Author Topic: More and more funnies.. vol: something...  (Read 533573 times)

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Offline Rifleman62

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1750 on: January 18, 2017, 10:54:00 »
Good one!!!

Soon to be Trudeau calling Canada locally from Hell.
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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1751 on: February 06, 2017, 10:27:04 »
So, I'm in a bar and two very large women with accents are sitting across from me. 
I say, "Cool accents, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them yells, "It's Wales, you idiot."
So I said,  "OK, are you two Whales from Scotland?"
I don't remember much after that.

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Offline George Wallace

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1753 on: February 24, 2017, 12:05:11 »
The Reality of living in Canada:

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Offline George Wallace

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1754 on: February 25, 2017, 13:27:57 »
Some lucky person won:

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1755 on: February 27, 2017, 11:02:22 »
This a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is speechless after answering only one question.

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about three

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.

In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after figuring for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: Where is your airplane?

Offline Journeyman

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1756 on: February 27, 2017, 11:09:33 »
This a conversation between a man and his wife....
1.  That is going to be forwarded.
2.  I am going to be in **** because of it.
3.  Thank you.   ;D
I even read works I disagree with;  life outside  an ideological echo chamber.

Offline SGT-RMSCLK

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1757 on: February 27, 2017, 17:43:53 »
This a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is speechless after answering only one question.

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about three

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.

In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after figuring for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: Where is your airplane?

Financially speaking you are better off to drink the beer.  Because after you saved it all up all that money the tax man would get half and the ex-wife would get the rest.

Offline George Wallace

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1758 on: March 03, 2017, 18:12:47 »
Suicide Bombers Go On Strike
BBC News

Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.
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Offline Rifleman62

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1759 on: March 09, 2017, 11:33:02 »
An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."
 
The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

 The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

 
The Canadian doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. A year and a half ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made him Prime Minister. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"
Never Congratulate Yourself In Victory, Nor Blame Your Horses In Defeat - Old Cossack Expression

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http://www.royalwinnipegrifles.com/regimental-association/the-devils-blast/

Offline Baden Guy

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1760 on: March 09, 2017, 12:39:28 »


 
The Canadian doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. A year and a half ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

FTFU :)

Offline George Wallace

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1761 on: March 09, 2017, 14:32:54 »
FTFU :)

President?  That proves he has no brains, but may have balls to think he is. 
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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1762 on: March 14, 2017, 12:23:18 »
Not a Senior yet, but I can relate.

Senior Trying To Create A Password

               
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USER:                cabbage

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USER:                boiled cabbage

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USER:                1 boiled cabbage

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USER:                 50fuckingboiledcabbages

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USER:PissedOff: 50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedU pYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessN ow

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Offline expwor

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1763 on: April 28, 2017, 11:37:39 »
SMILE

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened.
First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress.
Hence the enormous smile, inspector", says the Coroner.
Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky.
Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one:
Justin Trudeau of Canada, 44, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"He thought he was having his photo taken."

+300

Offline GAP

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1764 on: May 12, 2017, 13:07:50 »
Robert Dean Steel
April 28, 2015 ·

A couple of RCMP officers stopped at Sandy Bay First Nation and talked to an old Indian standing on the road.
He told the old Indian, "I need to inspect this land for illegally grown drugs."
The elder reluctantly said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed with his lips to the location.
The RCMP officer verbally exploded & said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!"
Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge & proudly displayed it to the old Indian.
"See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want, whenever I want................on any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?"
The elder nodded kindly, apologized & went about his business. Moments later he heard loud - fearful screams; he looked up & saw the RCMP officer running for his life, being chased by a Bull Bison. With every step the Bull Bison was gaining ground on the officer & it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The old Indian threw down his tools & ran as fast as he could to the fence & yelled at the top of his lungs......"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I´m not so sure about the universe