Author Topic: More and more funnies.. vol: something...  (Read 649046 times)

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Offline Rifleman62

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1800 on: November 27, 2017, 09:03:51 »
A group of 12 women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember. The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband "I love you, sweetheart." Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message. Below are 12 actual replies from their husbands. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way? 1. Who the hell is this? 2. Hey, mother of my children, are you sick or what? 3. Yeah, and I love you too. ....What's wrong? 4. What now? Did you wreck the car again? 5. I don't understand what you mean? 6 What the heck did you do now?  7. Are you sure this is for me?  8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need? 9. Am I dreaming? 10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die 11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day 12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
Never Congratulate Yourself In Victory, Nor Blame Your Horses In Defeat - Old Cossack Expression

Offline Oldgateboatdriver

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1801 on: December 01, 2017, 10:13:33 »
Last Christmas, my wife gave me a "Daily Sudoku" desk calendar. It also includes a "thought for the day" section. Today's thought is ascribed to Bill Patterson, and is so appropriate I felt I need to share it here (I almost went for sharing it in the Politics in 2017 forum  ;D):

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us."

Offline dapaterson

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1802 on: December 01, 2017, 13:54:49 »
Believe that's from Bill Watterson, of "Calvin and Hobbes" fame.

Almost as good as my favourite quote from Calvin's Dad

When I was a kid, I thought grown-ups never worried about anything.  I trusted my parents to take care of everything, and it never occurred to me that they might not know how.  I figured that once you grew up, you automatically knew what to do I any given scenario.  I don't think I'd have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if I'd know the whole things was going to be ad-libbed.
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Offline Oldgateboatdriver

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1803 on: December 01, 2017, 15:17:37 »
Quite right DP. I failed to notice my error. It is Bill Watterson.

And as I just type my apology here, I noticed - just in  time - that it is my #$&^%* spell check which automatically changed the "W" to "P" without asking me.

Offline Larry Strong

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1804 on: December 01, 2017, 18:35:25 »
To put it in context......my favorite characters......

Cheers
Larry
Proud sponsor of the Maple Leaf Legacy Project. http://www.mapleleaflegacy.ca

Offline Rifleman62

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1805 on: February 15, 2018, 21:44:49 »
A SUCCESSFUL Montana rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra ..." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"




(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)
Never Congratulate Yourself In Victory, Nor Blame Your Horses In Defeat - Old Cossack Expression

Offline Rifleman62

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1806 on: April 20, 2018, 09:14:38 »
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
Never Congratulate Yourself In Victory, Nor Blame Your Horses In Defeat - Old Cossack Expression

jollyjacktar

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1807 on: April 22, 2018, 17:30:07 »
For those of us who enjoy Duffleblog or The Onion types of humour.   ;D

http://www.southendnewsnetwork.net/news/donald-trump-accidentally-orders-air-force-to-bomb-siri/


SHOCKING FOOTAGE SHOWS THOUSANDS OF WHITE PEOPLE CHASING GROUP OF BLACK MEN AROUND LONDON


https://buff.ly/2JgsXTz

Offline Rifleman62

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1808 on: May 06, 2018, 10:11:15 »
AUSTRALIAN LETTER -

This is an actual letter sent to the DFAT (Department of Foreign

Affairs and Trade) Immigration Minister.  The Government tried

desperately to censure the author, but got nowhere because every

legal person who read it couldn’t stop laughing !


Dear Mr Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows

that I bought a television set and golf clubs and condoms from them back in 1997,

and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born

and on what date ?

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand ?

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all

the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years.

It is also on my driver's licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those

stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off planes

over the past 30 years.

It's also on all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966.

Also... would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is

Audrey, my father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely ******* astounded if that ever

changed between now and when I drop dead !!!

crap! What do you people do with all this information we keep having to provide?

I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I'm really pissed off this morning.

Between you and me, I've had enough of all this bullshit!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my ******* address!

What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless

Neanderthal arseholes working there!

And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden?

I can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see

my new granddaughter.  (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl).  And would someone

please tell me, why would you give a crap whether or not I plan on visiting a farm in the

next 15 days? In the unlikely event, I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep

or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other side of ******* Sydney, and get another

******* copy of my birth certificate - and to part with another $80 for the privilege of

accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the

issuance of a new passport on the same day?

Nooooo…that'd be too ******* easy and makes far too much sense.

You would much prefer to have us running all over the bloody place like chickens with our

******* heads cut off, and then having to find some 'high-society' wanker to confirm

that it's really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo... the one where we're

not allowed to smile?...you ******* morons.

Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting

someone in 'high-society' to confirm that it's me?  Well, my family

has been in this country since before 1820! In 1856, one of my

forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor.  (You do remember the

Eureka Stockade!)

I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army for something

over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high

security clearances. I'm also a personal friend of the president of

the RSL...Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card

each year.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone "important" to

verify who I am; you know...someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN

AND RAISED IN ******* PAKISTAN!...a country where they either

assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers - and are suspended from

the Commonwealth and United Nations for not having the "right sort of government".

You are all pen-pushing paper-shuffling ******* idiots!

 
Never Congratulate Yourself In Victory, Nor Blame Your Horses In Defeat - Old Cossack Expression

Offline Roger123

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1809 on: May 06, 2018, 10:47:39 »
AUSTRALIAN LETTER - ...

That letter was just awesome.

jollyjacktar

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1810 on: May 09, 2018, 08:48:33 »
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her *** that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you..''

Offline daftandbarmy

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1811 on: May 09, 2018, 09:03:06 »
During a lull between the speeches at the recent presidential ceremony, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with the Secretary of  State, Rex Tillerson.

"You know, I bought Donald a parrot for Christmas. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize that he just speaks the words, ...he doesn't really understand what they mean."

"Oh, I know," replied Melania, .........." neither does the parrot."
"The most important qualification of a soldier is fortitude under fatigue and privation. Courage is only second; hardship, poverty and want are the best school for a soldier." Napoleon

jollyjacktar

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1812 on: May 09, 2018, 09:05:57 »
A Glasgow man phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.

"£85 pounds for an extraction, sir," the dentist replied.

"£85 quid!  Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock £15 pounds off."

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without
any anaesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful.  But
the price could drop by £20 pounds."

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the
extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"

"It'll be good for the students," mulled the dentist.  "I'll charge
you £5 pounds but it will be traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie!  It's a deal," said the Scotsman.

"Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"


Offline Rifleman62

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1813 on: May 15, 2018, 14:53:42 »
Nursing.
« Last Edit: May 15, 2018, 20:29:11 by Rifleman62 »
Never Congratulate Yourself In Victory, Nor Blame Your Horses In Defeat - Old Cossack Expression

jollyjacktar

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1814 on: May 20, 2018, 09:33:53 »
A satirical "fake news" website written in "The Onion" style by a couple of Canadians.  Very entertaining.

https://worldnewsdailyreport.com/

Offline Rifleman62

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1815 on: May 25, 2018, 11:56:40 »
Drain the Swamp - Political Diet

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
 
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me.  We’re the same age; We were the same size as kids.  I just don’t get it."

 "Well, " said the big Croc, "What have you been eating?" "Politicians, same as you, " replied the small Croc.

 "Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

 "Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol." "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"

 "Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.  Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the crap out of them and eat ’em!"

 "Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem.  You’re not getting any real nourishment.  See, by the time you finish shaking the crap out of a Politician, there’s nothing left but an ******* and a briefcase.”
Never Congratulate Yourself In Victory, Nor Blame Your Horses In Defeat - Old Cossack Expression

jollyjacktar

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1816 on: June 04, 2018, 12:24:59 »
After a consultation, the doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit and it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Offline Blackadder1916

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1817 on: June 04, 2018, 22:39:20 »
Something's missing.  Can you spot what it is.

https://www.govt.nz/lll

Whisky for the gentlemen that like it. And for the gentlemen that don't like it - Whisky.

Offline Oldgateboatdriver

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1818 on: June 05, 2018, 08:25:11 »
For those who can't spot it: Hint! Note where the page originates from.  :nod:

Offline daftandbarmy

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1819 on: June 07, 2018, 14:54:14 »
A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.

The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts his rifle to a specific angle, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards short.

The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance, lifts his rifle slightly higher, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards long.

The statistician yells "We got him!"
"The most important qualification of a soldier is fortitude under fatigue and privation. Courage is only second; hardship, poverty and want are the best school for a soldier." Napoleon

Offline daftandbarmy

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1820 on: June 07, 2018, 14:55:19 »
Something's missing.  Can you spot what it is.

https://www.govt.nz/lll

Ironically, New Zealand!
"The most important qualification of a soldier is fortitude under fatigue and privation. Courage is only second; hardship, poverty and want are the best school for a soldier." Napoleon

Offline CBH99

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1821 on: June 07, 2018, 19:46:54 »
Pretty sure that was intentional...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HynsTvRVLiI
Fortune Favours the Bold...and the Smart.

Wouldn't it be nice to have some Boondock Saints kicking around?

Offline George Wallace

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1822 on: June 27, 2018, 04:06:23 »
Anyone still doing PDRs and PERs?

QUOTES FROM BRITISH MILITARY ANNUAL PERSONNEL REPORTS
 1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
 2. I would not breed from this Officer.
 3. This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.
 4. This officer can be likened to a small puppy - he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up.
 5. This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a definitely won't-be.
 6. When she opens her mouth, it seems only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
 7. Couldn't organise 50% leave in a 2 man submarine
 8. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
 9. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
 10. Technically sound, but socially impossible.
 11. The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy and indifference.
 12. When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
 13. This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
 14. This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
 15. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
 16. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
 17. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
 18. This Officer should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
 19. In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet.
 20. The only ship I would recommend for this man is citizenship.
 21. Couldn't organise a woodpecker's picnic in Sherwood Forest.
 22. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
 23. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
 24. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
 25. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
 26. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
 27. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
 28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
 29. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.
 30. A room temperature IQ.
 31. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
 32. A gross ignoramus, 143 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
 33. He has a photographic memory but has the lens cover glued on.
 34. He has been working with glue too long.
 35. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
 36. This man hasn't got enough grey matter to sole the flip-flop of a one legged budgie.
 37. If two people are talking, and one looks bored, he's the other one.
 38. One-celled organisms would out score him in an IQ test.
 39. He donated his body to science before he was done using it.
 40. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
 41. He's so dense, light bends around him.
 42. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
 43. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
 44. Takes him 1.1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
 45. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is long gone.
DISCLAIMER: The opinions and arguments of George Wallace posted on this Site are solely those of George Wallace and not the opinion of Army.ca and are posted for information purposes only.
Unless so stated, they are reflective of my opinion -- and my opinion only, a right that I enjoy along with every other Canadian citizen.

Offline dapaterson

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1823 on: July 02, 2018, 16:48:41 »
David Simon, responding to a CBC request for an interview via Twitter:

https://twitter.com/cbcasithappens/status/1013879224057376770

@AoDespair Hi Mr. Simon, I'm a producer with @cbcasithappens and we'd love to chat with you about the art of the insult if you've got time for a quick interview this afternoon. You can reach me at ... Thanks!


No way, you stumblemook hype-artist. I'd rather hammer my jaw shut with drywall anchor screws than ruin a rightful insult by parsing it for an audience like some analytical talking-head fuckbonnet.

I kid. I'm kidding, Alison. Thanks for the invite, but no. I have writing due.
This posting made in accordance with the Charter of Rights and Freedoms, section 2(b):
Everyone has the following fundamental freedoms: freedom of thought, belief, opinion and expression, including freedom of the press and other media of communication
http://laws.justice.gc.ca/en/charter/1.html

Offline expwor

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1824 on: July 06, 2018, 17:10:28 »
Circumcised  ;D
« Last Edit: July 06, 2018, 17:15:02 by expwor »