Author Topic: More and more funnies.. vol: something...  (Read 551071 times)

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Offline Rifleman62

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1750 on: January 18, 2017, 10:54:00 »
Good one!!!

Soon to be Trudeau calling Canada locally from Hell.
Never Congratulate Yourself In Victory, Nor Blame Your Horses In Defeat - Old Cossack Expression

Offline jollyjacktar

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1751 on: February 06, 2017, 10:27:04 »
So, I'm in a bar and two very large women with accents are sitting across from me. 
I say, "Cool accents, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them yells, "It's Wales, you idiot."
So I said,  "OK, are you two Whales from Scotland?"
I don't remember much after that.
I'm just like the CAF, I seem to have retention issues.

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Offline George Wallace

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1753 on: February 24, 2017, 12:05:11 »
The Reality of living in Canada:

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Offline George Wallace

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1754 on: February 25, 2017, 13:27:57 »
Some lucky person won:

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Offline jollyjacktar

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1755 on: February 27, 2017, 11:02:22 »
This a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is speechless after answering only one question.

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about three

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.

In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after figuring for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: Where is your airplane?
I'm just like the CAF, I seem to have retention issues.

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1756 on: February 27, 2017, 11:09:33 »
This a conversation between a man and his wife....
1.  That is going to be forwarded.
2.  I am going to be in **** because of it.
3.  Thank you.   ;D

Offline SGT-RMSCLK

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1757 on: February 27, 2017, 17:43:53 »
This a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is speechless after answering only one question.

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about three

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.

In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after figuring for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: Where is your airplane?

Financially speaking you are better off to drink the beer.  Because after you saved it all up all that money the tax man would get half and the ex-wife would get the rest.

Offline George Wallace

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1758 on: March 03, 2017, 18:12:47 »
Suicide Bombers Go On Strike
BBC News

Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.
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Offline Rifleman62

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1759 on: March 09, 2017, 11:33:02 »
An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."
 
The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

 The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

 
The Canadian doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. A year and a half ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made him Prime Minister. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"
Never Congratulate Yourself In Victory, Nor Blame Your Horses In Defeat - Old Cossack Expression

Offline Baden Guy

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1760 on: March 09, 2017, 12:39:28 »


 
The Canadian doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. A year and a half ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

FTFU :)

Offline George Wallace

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1761 on: March 09, 2017, 14:32:54 »
FTFU :)

President?  That proves he has no brains, but may have balls to think he is. 
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Offline jollyjacktar

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1762 on: March 14, 2017, 12:23:18 »
Not a Senior yet, but I can relate.

Senior Trying To Create A Password

               
WINDOWS:        Please enter your new password.

USER:                cabbage

WINDOWS:        Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER:                boiled cabbage

WINDOWS:         Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER:                1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS:        Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER:                 50fuckingboiledcabbages

WINDOWS:        Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER:                 50FUCKINGboiledcabbages

WINDOWS:         Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER:                 50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedU pYourAssIfYouDon' tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS:         Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER:PissedOff: 50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedU pYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessN ow

WINDOWS:         Sorry, that password is already taken.
I'm just like the CAF, I seem to have retention issues.

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1763 on: April 28, 2017, 11:37:39 »
SMILE

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened.
First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress.
Hence the enormous smile, inspector", says the Coroner.
Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky.
Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one:
Justin Trudeau of Canada, 44, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"He thought he was having his photo taken."


Offline GAP

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1764 on: May 12, 2017, 13:07:50 »
Robert Dean Steel
April 28, 2015 ·

A couple of RCMP officers stopped at Sandy Bay First Nation and talked to an old Indian standing on the road.
He told the old Indian, "I need to inspect this land for illegally grown drugs."
The elder reluctantly said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed with his lips to the location.
The RCMP officer verbally exploded & said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!"
Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge & proudly displayed it to the old Indian.
"See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want, whenever I want................on any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?"
The elder nodded kindly, apologized & went about his business. Moments later he heard loud - fearful screams; he looked up & saw the RCMP officer running for his life, being chased by a Bull Bison. With every step the Bull Bison was gaining ground on the officer & it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The old Indian threw down his tools & ran as fast as he could to the fence & yelled at the top of his lungs......"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I´m not so sure about the universe

Offline Rifleman62

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1765 on: June 02, 2017, 11:08:52 »
Dearest Dad,
I am coming home to get married soon, so get your checkbook out.  I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me.

As you know, I am in Australia ... and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp.  He proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of a relationship through Viber.

My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.

Lots of love and thanks.

Your favorite daughter,
Lilly


THE RESPONSE

My Dear Lilly,

Like Wow! Really? Cool!

Whatever ... I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal.

And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay. 

Love,
Your Dad
Never Congratulate Yourself In Victory, Nor Blame Your Horses In Defeat - Old Cossack Expression

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1766 on: June 20, 2017, 15:17:26 »
To some folks, anyway ...
“The risk of insult is the price of clarity.” -- Roy H. Williams

The words I share here are my own, not those of anyone else or anybody I may be affiliated with.

Tony Prudori
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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1767 on: June 23, 2017, 08:30:41 »
      :nod:

Offline GAP

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1768 on: June 23, 2017, 09:19:14 »
.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I´m not so sure about the universe

Offline George Wallace

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1769 on: June 24, 2017, 10:29:03 »
Reproduced under the Fair Dealings provisions of the Copyright Act.

Quote
‘Sorry aboot that, eh’ — Canadian sniper apologizes after record-breaking kill shot
By Cat Astronaut On Jun 24, 2017

OTTAWA — A Canadian sniper apologized today after he was confirmed to have scored the longest lethal shot on record, according to sources.

The sniper, whose identity is being withheld for operational security reasons, said he was sorry both to the ISIS fighter he killed and to the former record-holder, British soldier Craig Harrison, whose record his 2.2-mile shot smashed by over 3,000 feet.

“Sorry aboot that, eh,” the sniper supposedly said as the .50 caliber round ripped through the insurgent’s thoracic cavity. “I thought that was a dern moose, friend.”

According to experts, Canadian standard operating procedure is to ask a target’s permission before ending his life, so as to maintain a spirit of good sportsmanship.

“We’re all aboot friendship and fair play up here in Canada, even if we’re just killing a bunch of hosers like ISIS,” said Canadian military spokesman Mick Robinson. “All the famous Canadians that everyone’s heard of like Frank Boucher and Jack Bionda would tell you the same, buddy.”

After hiding out in full-body denim ghillie suits for days, the sniper team allegedly returned to their base where they celebrated with a “specially prepared dinner of maple syrup, Tim Horton’s doughnuts, Molson Ice, and poutine for the Québécois comm. guy.”

Robinson says this shot will “stand right up there with Gretzky’s hat trick against Calgary in ’88” as one of the greatest moments in Canadian history.

“I’d say that was aboot as accurate as a Gordie Howe slapshot, eh,” said Robinson while sitting in a refrigerator and sharpening his ice skates. “I don’t even know what a 2.2 miles is, but I’m scared to look it up.”

“You happen to catch the score of the curling match?”

Kate C and Midshipman W.T. Door contributed from Saskatoon.

More on LINK.

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1770 on: June 28, 2017, 13:34:07 »
Funny - if it wasn't so true in some cases ... (source)
“The risk of insult is the price of clarity.” -- Roy H. Williams

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Offline George Wallace

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1771 on: June 28, 2017, 16:36:39 »
Funny - if it wasn't so true in some cases ... (source)

Where were the Spelling Nazis?
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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1772 on: June 28, 2017, 17:24:29 »
Where were the Spelling Nazis?
If you mean "organisation," Brit reporter (BBC def reporter) = Brit spelling.
“The risk of insult is the price of clarity.” -- Roy H. Williams

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Offline George Wallace

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1773 on: July 01, 2017, 09:58:28 »
Sad news this Canada Day

Reproduced under the Fair Dealings provisions of the Copyright Act.

Quote
Newfoundland sunk after collision with iceberg
by Alex Huntley

HALIFAX – Four hours after a striking a massive iceberg, the Province of Newfoundland has sunk off the coast of Labrador leaving an unknown number of survivors.

All contact was lost with Canada’s most-easterly province early this morning.

Skipper Dwight Ball, who was reportedly at the helm in St. John’s, tried to steer Newfoundland hard to starboard when they came too close to a mountain of ice, but it was too late. The 520,000 residents on-board the large landmass were awoken by a large crash at 11:49 PM NT and the land quickly took on water.

A distress signal was sent to neighbouring PEI, but everyone was in bed by that time.

“They called it ‘The Rock’; a province that wouldn’t sink,” lamented Fisheries and Oceans Minister Dominic LeBlanc in an emergency press conference. “I can’t believe they kept Newfoundland in the ocean with all of those icebergs at this time of year.”

Newfoundland was added to Canada’s provinces in 1949 and previously thought to be invincible to any wave or iceberg.

“To think, people thought it was a tourist attraction,” LeBlanc added shaking his head. “This is the worst provincial navigation disaster in our country’s history.”

According to survivors, Great Big Sea proudly played ‘Ordinary Day’ as they went down with Newfoundland.




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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #1774 on: July 01, 2017, 10:32:32 »
Not a joke/cartoon, but a WTF?......  "Strandbeests" -- wind-powered 'walking machines'
More at YouTube link.