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The Mess => Radio Chatter => Topic started by: TN2IC on May 04, 2009, 14:04:25

Title: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on May 04, 2009, 14:04:25
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Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Michael O'Leary on May 04, 2009, 15:40:22
Quote
http://i228.photobucket.com/albums/ee294/Drayasha/Motivational%20Posters/stupidity.jpg

Since the others aren't holding swords, and there are differing shoulder decorations, I suspect this is could well be a correct drill movement by an division or platoon level commander on parade.  Without seeing the entire file of soldiers, simply assuming he's wrong could be incorrect.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on May 04, 2009, 18:43:36
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Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: JBoyd on May 04, 2009, 19:32:34
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Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Big Beef on May 04, 2009, 19:39:42
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Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ncs_eng 081 on May 04, 2009, 20:56:42
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Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: JBoyd on May 14, 2009, 15:50:48
 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ENGINEERS WIFE on May 14, 2009, 18:12:27
 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ENGINEERS WIFE on May 14, 2009, 18:18:25
 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: JBoyd on May 15, 2009, 16:15:41
couldn't help but laugh at this
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on May 21, 2009, 21:59:36
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Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: VIChris on May 21, 2009, 22:20:28
Holy Smokes! Fiddle Vader plays in downtown Victoria in the summer. I used to shoo the ******* away from Roger's Chocolates when I worked there during Uni. He was SOOOO bad he'd actually scare our clients away.

On with the jokes.

After a brewery convention one night, three brew masters are out for the evening. They get to a bar, and the Coors guy orders a cool, refreshing Coors. The Corona guy orders a chilled Corona, with a nice fresh slice of lime to set it off. The Molson rep orders a Coke.

Confused, the Coors rep asks him, "What gives?"
"Well," says the Molson rep, "if you guys aren't having beer, then neither am I."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 123nil456 on May 23, 2009, 03:25:50
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Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: VIChris on May 26, 2009, 17:42:49
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Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on June 06, 2009, 17:45:10
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Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 123nil456 on June 06, 2009, 18:26:34
haha Saw this on Fmylife.com today:

Quote
Today I discovered after 13 weeks in BMQ I'm not going to be able to go home until january, FML

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: the 48th regulator on June 06, 2009, 18:33:14
Always remain the rebel, no matter what!!

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dileas

tess
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on June 09, 2009, 18:15:54
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Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on June 09, 2009, 18:41:04
Couldn't believe this one.  It could go in the dumbest thing thread.  :o

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Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on June 21, 2009, 11:33:53
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Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on June 23, 2009, 19:19:26
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Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on July 11, 2009, 16:11:58
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Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: VIChris on July 12, 2009, 18:23:52
A Scottish Solder in full dress uniform marches into a chemists.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
“How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the chemist.
“Six pence,” says the chemist.
“How much for a new one?”
“Ten pence,”says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
“The regiment has taken a vote,” he says.
“We’ll have a new one.”
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on July 14, 2009, 18:57:08
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Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: BYT Driver on July 14, 2009, 22:37:03
A Scottish Solder in full dress uniform marches into a chemists.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
“How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the chemist.
“Six pence,” says the chemist.
“How much for a new one?”
“Ten pence,”says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
“The regiment has taken a vote,” he says.
“We’ll have a new one.”

A Proper Scot would just have it repairrred... :piper:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: the_girlfriend on July 15, 2009, 11:52:21
It has nothing to do with the military... but it made me laugh...


ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW .......


Cup of Tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea',
which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise
for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room
to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough,
here I come down the hall
with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know.. :)

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: BYT Driver on July 15, 2009, 18:10:19
Okay....you owe me a new monitor and some new pants!


TOOOOOOOOoooo funny....
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: SARgirl on July 22, 2009, 15:17:09
Military Motivational Posters

So far, there are 4 pages in this thread:
http://madogre.lefora.com/2008/07/15/military-motivational-posters/page1/

Enjoy! :)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on July 27, 2009, 04:32:12
Tour de France 1940:

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimgur.com%2F2JVHa.jpg&hash=61a9004755a3d57199cf097e71ce3ab1)

 ;D

Regards,
ironduke57
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 123nil456 on August 04, 2009, 08:31:48
hahaha
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Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: XMP on August 06, 2009, 12:52:57
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Our American partners have the Barrett, but the Big Mac is the real deal.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on August 10, 2009, 13:04:49
Pregnancy Advice
 A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea

'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.

'Actually, yes, I do.'

'Does it hurt you?' he asked.

'No. I rather like it.'

'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'

The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'

'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians come from?
 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: tango22a on August 10, 2009, 13:50:19

Yupper!!

tango22a
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: SARgirl on August 10, 2009, 13:51:00
I have always thought this joke was rather funny.  Enjoy!  :)

Bathroom Commode
http://www.ebe.org.uk/joke21.htm

The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC "Does the campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That BC business really stumped him.

After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply

Dear Madam I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous even the normal delivery sounds can be heard.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.

I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember, this is a friendly community.

Sincerely,
Campground Owner

--Selected from Mikey's Funnies: http://www.mikeysfunnies.com
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: recceguy on August 11, 2009, 01:14:27
For the Annual Company Picnic, management had decided that because of liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one  drink per person...


I was fired for ordering the cups.

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Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: SARgirl on August 16, 2009, 21:30:07
Several of these quotes are quite funny... a good laugh.  Enjoy!

Famous military quotes!
http://www.burtonblog.com/view.cfm?post=990
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on August 17, 2009, 21:39:41
Someone has too much time on their hands, but funny!!

Icon's Story (http://www.xs4all.nl/~jvdkuyp/flash/see.htm)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: SARgirl on August 28, 2009, 16:08:51
Enjoy!  :)


Weapons of mass distraction FUNNY MILITARY TRAINING

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5sHcXRec_I


Military comedy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0gANjBrUDk
See what happens when soldiers get board, LOL...  I think it's super that troops can entertain themselves. :)

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on August 28, 2009, 16:19:18
Good ones, egy.

Browsing the net, I came across this:

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffailblog.files.wordpress.com%2F2009%2F08%2Ffail-owned-mirror-reflection-fail.jpg%3Fw%3D500%26amp%3Bh%3D248&hash=dfbd73c421675448c40362e29cd0fcb5)

The comments (http://failblog.org/2009/08/28/reflection-fail/#comments) below are hilarious!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: SARgirl on August 28, 2009, 16:41:12
Thank you Moe.

I found these too:

Funny Canadian Soldiers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t3yNWvlPgZo
I have not, to date, seen jousting done like this before, gave me a laugh.

Mad TV - Air Canada
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sy8xc_-VB5c&feature=related

 
 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on September 02, 2009, 12:16:16
A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed.  He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding.  Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.  He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again.  He tried a fourth time with the same result. The f ifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

 

...dumbass    ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Eye In The Sky on September 02, 2009, 12:43:04
 :rofl:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on September 03, 2009, 10:35:46

FARM KID  in Marines
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)

Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things.  No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.  Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food,  plus yours,  holds you until noon   when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.  A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher.  He nags a lot.  The Captain is like the school board.   Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.  I keep getting medals for shooting.   I don' t know why.  The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.  All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.  You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.  You get to wrestle with them city boys.  I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.  It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.  I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake .. I only beat him once..  He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice
 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: SARgirl on September 03, 2009, 12:44:40
GAP- :rofl: Hilarious!  Good post. 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on September 03, 2009, 12:48:29
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down..

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered.

'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles' 

 ;)

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Journeyman on September 03, 2009, 13:06:51
http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/marines.asp

Great debunking. I never realized you were German (http://www.google.ca/search?hl=en&safe=off&q=germans+lack+sense+humor&btnG=Search&meta=)

 ;)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: mariomike on September 03, 2009, 13:20:30
Message removed. Sorry if any offence was taken.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Journeyman on September 03, 2009, 13:40:39
Message removed. Sorry if any offence was taken.

Absolutely no offence.  ???

Man, if the jokes section of the site has to be explained, maybe you really do have a German sense of humour......   ::)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: mariomike on September 03, 2009, 20:25:55
Absolutely no offence.  ???

Thanks. I am glad to read that because I enjoy your posts. I wish we could have a "Meet and Greet" here in Toronto like the one they had in Ottawa. It's nice to make an old fashioned face to face aquaintance with people you e-correspond with.  Sometimes on the computer I am hesitant to crack jokes for concern about misunderstandings and causing offence. :shaking: :shaking:
I tried to make a handshake smiley.  :)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on September 04, 2009, 12:26:13
Flight attendant pick-up line

A guy sitting at a bar at HeathrowAirport noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to make her acquaintance, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: 

"Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself:

"Damn, she doesn't work for Delta.."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again 

"Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look.

He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: 

"Smooth as Silk."

This time the woman turned on him, 

"What the frig do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said 

"Ahhhhha!  Air Canada ."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: SARgirl on September 06, 2009, 18:38:15
LOL... very funny GAP.


----------



Kosovo
Quote
Our boys in uniform can hold a tune that rivals the Beach Boys! Authentic video of Norwegian soldiers in Kosovo. Music from the Beach Boys song "Kokomo"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sD7UREH_rJI

Enjoy!  ;D

Edited to add:
Warning- there is, that I noticed, one bad word said in the video.

 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Eye In The Sky on September 12, 2009, 11:28:55
INVOLUNTARY MUSCULAR CONTRACTION

A professor at MEMORIAL UNIVERSITY OF NEWFOUNDLAND, was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your a$$hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably moose hunting with his buddies.'
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: NavyPhoenix on September 12, 2009, 13:33:02
 :rofl:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on September 12, 2009, 15:34:50
Absolutely no offence.  ???

Man, if the jokes section of the site has to be explained, maybe you really do have a German sense of humour......   ::)
Germans have a very well-developed sense of humour.  And I think that this following joke points it out very well: ;D

An English couple have a child. After the birth, medical tests reveal that the child is normal, apart from the fact that it is German. This, however, should not be a problem. There is nothing to worry about. As the child grows older, it dresses in lederhosen and has a pudding bowl haircut, but all its basic functions develop normally. It can walk, eat, sleep, read and so on, but for some reason the German child never speaks. The concerned parents take it to the doctor, who reassures them that as the German child is perfectly developed in all other areas, there is nothing to worry about and that he is sure the speech faculty will eventually blossom. Years pass. The German child enters its teens, and still it is not speaking, though in all other respects it is fully functional. The German child's mother is especially distressed by this, but attempts to conceal her sadness. One day she makes the German child, who is now 17 years old and still silent, a bowl of tomato soup, and takes it through to him in the parlour where he is listening to a wind-up gramophone record player. Soon, the German child appears in the kitchen and suddenly declares, "Mother. This soup is a little tepid." The German child's mother is astonished. "All these years," she exclaims, "we assumed you could not speak. And yet all along it appears you could. Why? Why did you never say anything before?" "Because, mother," answers the German child, "up until now, everything has been satisfactory."

Ja.  Das ist lustig!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on September 12, 2009, 15:39:14
A man jumps out of a plane for the first time. At 3,000m he tries to undo his parachute, but the cord fails. At 2,000m he tries to open the emergency chute but that doesn't work either. At 1,000m he bumps into a man wearing blue overalls, carrying a spanner. "Can you repair parachutes?" asks the first man. "'Fraid not," says the other. "I only do boilers."
Das ist lustiger
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on September 12, 2009, 15:40:45
Three priests hold a meeting to discuss where life begins. The evangelical priest says, "No question about it, life begins when the child is born." "No, no," says the Catholic priest, "it all starts when the sperm meets the egg." "You're both wrong," says the Rabbi. "Life begins when the children have left home and the dog is dead."

Das ist am lustigsten
;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on September 12, 2009, 15:47:49
And who could forget THIS classic:
Der Ehemann findet seine Frau mit dem Arzt im Bett. Der Arzt versucht zu erklären: "Ich wollte nur das Fieber messen!"
Der Mann holt seelenruhig sein Gewehr aus dem Schrank und meint: "Jetzt ziehen Sie ihn ganz langsam raus und wenn keine Zahlen draufstehen, dann Gnade Ihnen Gott!"


:rofl:

(A man comes home to find his wife in bed with the doctor.  The doctor declares that he's just checking her temperature.  The man calmly goes to his closet and pulls out his rifle and says, "Now take it out, nice and slow, and if there are no numbers on it, may God have mercy on you.")

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: mariomike on September 12, 2009, 15:56:00
A man jumps out of a plane for the first time. At 3,000m he tries to undo his parachute, but the cord fails. At 2,000m he tries to open the emergency chute but that doesn't work either. At 1,000m he bumps into a man wearing blue overalls, carrying a spanner. "Can you repair parachutes?" asks the first man. "'Fraid not," says the other. "I only do boilers."
Das ist lustiger

Here's an old one:
"What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Larkvall on September 15, 2009, 11:55:45
Breaking News

World condemns preemptive use of Hillary against Pakistan

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uH8owcMHc34
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Eye In The Sky on September 22, 2009, 12:44:06
Why Parents Drink


A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so

Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can

get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your Son John 


PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.  I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

Call me when it's safe to come home.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: SARgirl on September 22, 2009, 14:23:25
Eye In The Sky, that's a really good one... I hadn't heard this one before, very good, thank you for sharing.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on September 24, 2009, 16:08:33
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fgraphjam.files.wordpress.com%2F2009%2F07%2Fsong-chart-memes-army-life.jpg%3Fw%3D504%26amp%3Bh%3D462&hash=c88b2e82b7dd8773cec0e92f770e02a2)

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 123nil456 on September 24, 2009, 16:20:20
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpunditkitchen.files.wordpress.com%2F2009%2F08%2Fpolitical-pictures-hot-pockets.jpg%3Fw%3D450%26amp%3Bh%3D310&hash=eee551601e6c549e952cbbe6ad42e2fa)

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpunditkitchen.files.wordpress.com%2F2009%2F01%2Fpolitical-pictures-sergeant-acme-paint.jpg&hash=0605d999da17f92207d01bab94eb32b2)

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpunditkitchen.files.wordpress.com%2F2009%2F01%2Fpolitical-pictures-soldiers.jpg&hash=81fce69fd8f23d3fe54ce94b9a1bf4c7)

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on September 24, 2009, 16:33:32
Divorce Cakes
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: SARgirl on September 25, 2009, 16:03:38
Quote
« Reply #61 on: Yesterday at 15:08:33 »
Quote
« Reply #62 on: Yesterday at 15:20:20 »
Moe and CEEBEE501, Great posts, very funny, gave me a laugh... I really needed to smile today, thank you. :)

----------

Quote
« Reply #63 on: Yesterday at 15:33:32 »
Wow GAP... Divorce Cakes... hmmm... interesting; gave me a chuckle simply because I had never seen or heard of such cakes before.  However, I do remember going into a card shop some years ago and while looking through the cards I came across a couple of cards to give to someone who had been divorced; never expected to see such cards, but I guess they have cards... and now cakes, for just about everything these days.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on September 25, 2009, 17:00:13
Where's the divorce cakes with dude taking her out to the garbage, beheading her, etc?


Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 123nil456 on September 25, 2009, 20:14:54
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpix.motivatedphotos.com%2F2009%2F2%2F1%2F633690643622262610-sense.jpg&hash=4243676eb441aa45fd7ef0b5fdc1cfb7)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: NavyPhoenix on September 25, 2009, 20:29:55
Now that one is just wrong on so many levels.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 123nil456 on September 29, 2009, 12:59:59
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpunditkitchen.files.wordpress.com%2F2009%2F09%2F128984026933480120.jpg&hash=b046639f6dc1e39d7fe0abab93cad53d)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on September 30, 2009, 13:03:13
If your wedding was so camouflaged that only three guests found it.......

.......you might be a red neck!

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fawkwardfamilyphotos.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2009%2F09%2Fbob-smith-camowedding2.jpg&hash=e3a94e8a43bd95d510e70cab32e00c9e)

Although, I have to give the bridesmaids credit for having matching dresses compared to the guys' outfits.   ::)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Loachman on September 30, 2009, 13:41:25
A new line for CP Gear, perhaps?
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 123nil456 on October 09, 2009, 00:52:51
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpunditkitchen.files.wordpress.com%2F2009%2F09%2F128987137119614713.jpg&hash=464639fae1a97cce8e2b67bb94773747)

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: kratz on October 09, 2009, 08:48:13
CEEBEEE501,

You already posted that photo in this thread, reply # 12 (http://forums.navy.ca/forums/index.php/topic,85928.0.html)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 123nil456 on October 09, 2009, 13:17:26
Same picture different caption tho :D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: JBoyd on October 11, 2009, 04:31:19
wife showed me this today... after I bought some girl guide cookies
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hammer Sandwich on October 12, 2009, 12:06:36
A little lesson on tolerance.....

So, there's this fella who lives downtown...regular guy, real nice, never causes trouble for his fellow human beings.

The only thing is, he's got a pretty severe case of Leprosy. And I mean severe....things missing, open, weepy lesions, the whole nine yards. 
But of course, through the miracles of modern medicine, he's not contagious, and can live a "normal" life.

This fella's lived in the same neighborhood his whole life, and everyone knows and likes him, and has seen that despite his appearance, he is a person, the same as them, and worthy of the same treatment that everyone else enjoys. there's a little diner where he eats breakfast every morning, and that's where our story begins.

He walks in, takes his regular booth, and waves to the waitress for his usual. He does notice though, a person he's never seen before getting an eyeful. The Leper pays him no mind, and digs in.

After a couple of minutes, he hears a sharp intake of breath, and a low, guttural groan. He whips around, and casts a pus-filled eye at the "new guy". The new fella quickly blurts out, "sorry, sorry..."

The Leper turns back around, and resumes eating.

A moment later, he hears, "Oh sweet Jeeeesus....oh man..."

Again, the Leper swivels, and says, "Enough, pal...shut it up."

The new guy nods his assent.

After a few more tense minutes, the new guy breaks...."That's horrible, O God, O no, that's the most horrible thing I've ever seen!!!"

The Leper stands up, walks a few paces, and gets in the new guy's face.

"ALRIGHT, YOU LISTEN TO ME!...I HAVE A DISEASE, AND I CAN'T HELP THAT. NOT ONE OTHER PERSON IN THIS DINER HAS AN ISSUE WITH ME, WHAT THE F--- IS YOUR F---ING PROBLEM?!?!?!"

The new guy pauses...and looks up sheepishly.

"L-l-listen...I-I-I-I'm real sorry man, it's not you...it's the guy dipping his toast in your back."

 :o
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: VIChris on October 12, 2009, 18:17:21
What did the leper say to the hooker?





'Keep the tip...'
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on October 14, 2009, 22:22:54
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpunditkitchen.files.wordpress.com%2F2009%2F10%2Fpolitical-pictures-aircraft-carrier-place-park.jpg&hash=e011c64aa5b74b21d092bebf8cc5c026)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: JBoyd on October 18, 2009, 17:23:12
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmaggieconv.files.wordpress.com%2F2009%2F05%2Fwtf-4.jpg&hash=23de22418c1ef3b06494dd5f8e05fdff)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on October 20, 2009, 13:13:31
 True Political Spin

It just all depends on how you look at some things...

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows  in Montana territory:

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.

Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:
"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

That's real POLITICAL SPIN
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: mariomike on October 20, 2009, 19:22:37
Believe it or not, Harry Reid's

That's an old joke, but still a good one! It's been told against various politicians of the day, including Al Gore and Stephan Dion.
( That's "Black Jack" Ketchum in the photo ).
This is what passes for funny on TV in Japan:
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=fe3_1255457078

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on October 24, 2009, 09:39:51
In keeping with current events........

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpunditkitchen.files.wordpress.com%2F2009%2F10%2Fpolitical-pictures-hoax-balloon-jiffy-pop.jpg&hash=dd9e69834e1715c7c99def6680f1c524)

 :rofl:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on October 24, 2009, 10:01:37
True Political Spin

It just all depends on how you look at some things...

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.


http://www.snopes.com/politics/humor/horsethief.asp
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: mariomike on October 24, 2009, 10:09:41
Baden Guy, it looks like you, and I, have what someone calls a "German" sense of humour! hahahaha
I hope you are coming to our M and G!  ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: MikeL on October 24, 2009, 17:07:07
 >:D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Eye In The Sky on October 26, 2009, 12:10:39
Thank you letter:

This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.

Dear Lions Bay School ,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for the kindness shown to a forgotten old lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to frig off.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Edna
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: MikeL on October 26, 2009, 22:15:23
Road Crossing Fail

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtFT-74iV7I
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: gcclarke on October 27, 2009, 08:00:02
Road Crossing Fail

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtFT-74iV7I

Huh. Weird. I didn't know that synchronized falling flat on your face was an Olympic Sport now. Either way, those were some nice precise movements. :D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Retired FDO on October 27, 2009, 17:00:54
Army drill is always perfect. A real treat to watch!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: NFLD Sapper on October 27, 2009, 17:11:06
Can we have that broken down into squads for ease of learning

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Journeyman on October 30, 2009, 12:23:37
It's Drunk Pumpkins (http://beer.gunaxin.com/drunk-pumpkins/1122) time of year again.


(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fbeer.gunaxin.com%2Fwp-content%2Fgallery%2Fdrunk-pumpkins%2Fpuking_pumpkins-02.jpg&hash=bff6c34080a7e122928ee10da5fe21cd)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: mariomike on October 31, 2009, 10:56:19
A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, "Major, when was the last time you had sex?"

"1956," was his reply.

"No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Major, you need to get out more!"

"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch, "It's only 2014 now."

**Don't forget to turn back your clocks tonight and enjoy that extra hour of sleep. ( Unless you are retired, in which case you can sleep in every day! )

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on November 03, 2009, 20:44:13
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Froflrazzi.files.wordpress.com%2F2009%2F10%2Fcelebrity-pictures-william-shatner-kirks-hairpiece.jpg&hash=dd4e85540c7fc9d1dbcf531c9b5746ff)

And something we can all relate to.......

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpunditkitchen.files.wordpress.com%2F2009%2F10%2Fpolitical-pictures-death-powerpoint.jpg&hash=f6344de07cd9ac9ac50ffa267e937d39)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Retired FDO on November 04, 2009, 09:45:05
That's no tribble at all!

(I wanted to be the first)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: IBM on November 05, 2009, 05:44:10
Nothing beats bottled water...in a can.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: IBM on November 05, 2009, 14:02:51
Anyone who's ever worn a uniform can relate to the first one here:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: IBM on November 05, 2009, 14:06:39
Saving the best for last...
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: BYT Driver on November 05, 2009, 22:58:59
pffft, only in Irsael!!!!   :o

Live the Day!! :o   
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Loachman on November 06, 2009, 21:54:14
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2nx6TiegRL4&feature
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: SARgirl on November 07, 2009, 02:05:48
EITS - great letter, where do you find this stuff.  (#85)

-Skeletor- I saw this video some time ago; still gives me a laugh every time I see it.  (#86)

Moe- the death by power point; so true many-a-times, good post. (#92)

Loachman- great link, just so funny. (#98)

=====

It's nice to have a thread on the forum by where so many can share that which gives the gift of laughter.  :nod:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Retired AF Guy on November 07, 2009, 13:37:00
Be careful what you say to the cat!

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ENGINEERS WIFE on November 07, 2009, 22:44:31
 :)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: IBM on November 08, 2009, 16:20:13
These demotivational posters never fails to make me smile:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: IBM on November 08, 2009, 16:24:21
This guy must have been REALLY bored manning that checkpoint all day: ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_FaDhnkzqTU
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ENGINEERS WIFE on November 20, 2009, 03:04:13
 >:D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on December 02, 2009, 17:24:20
Proofreading is a dying art

 
 
 

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter 
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!  They put in a correction the next day.
 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.   
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 
      No crap, really? Ya think? 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers   
       Now that's taking things a bit far! 
  -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over  
       What a guy!   
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Miners Refuse to Work after Death 
 No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant   
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


War Dims Hope for Peace  
 I can see where it might have that effect! 
 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


 If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile 
   Ya think?! 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures   
      Who would have thought! 
 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide   
They may be on to something! 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges  
      You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? 
  -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge   
     He probably IS the battery charge! 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

   
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group   
Weren't they fat enough?! 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

   
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft  
That's what he gets for eating those beans! 
 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks   
       Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************


Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half   
       Chainsaw Massacre all over again! 
 ***************************************************


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors   
       Boy, are they tall! 
 **************************************************************


And the winner is....   
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead    
     Did I read that right? 

 
 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on December 02, 2009, 18:12:55
.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: VIChris on December 23, 2009, 21:38:27
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party.  We turned
on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet
and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.  The taxi arrived and
we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.  We didn't want
the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat.  The cat
runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't
want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night..  So, she
explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,

'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab.  'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as
we drove away.  'That stupid ***** was hiding under the bed.  I had to poke
her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I
grabbed her by the neck.  Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her
from scratching me.  But it worked! I hauled her fat *** downstairs and
threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on December 26, 2009, 14:40:38
In keeping with the season........

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ficanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com%2F2009%2F12%2Ffunny-pictures-frosty-had-many-children.jpg&hash=fcf9da03623732cc6acce47260eca7ce)

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 123nil456 on January 12, 2010, 18:00:31
No car bombs allowed!

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fengrishfunny.files.wordpress.com%2F2009%2F12%2Fengrish-funny-dont-sign.jpg&hash=4773c88c8ed724a4bd9a62337cb4c4af)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: BearPusher on January 12, 2010, 23:28:48
I think he's onto something...
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hammer Sandwich on January 24, 2010, 19:26:34
Is there anything that can't be said with a motivational poster?
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on January 24, 2010, 21:52:47
Is there anything that can't be said with a motivational poster?
Yes, the fact that your fourth attachment is neither motivational nor funny

Edit to add:  I get that it implies that "Canadians" as a whole are not at war, but on first read, it struck me as saying Canadian soldiers were not at war.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hammer Sandwich on January 25, 2010, 07:06:28
Yes, the fact that your fourth attachment is neither motivational nor funny

Edit to add:  I get that it implies that "Canadians" as a whole are not at war, but on first read, it struck me as saying Canadian soldiers were not at war.

My apologies entirely...not the intent at all. More of a comment on how even though the population of this country may or may not support the effort overseas, all of us reap the freedoms granted by those who serve.
-Mods, feel free to delete if this may be misconstrued.

P
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 123nil456 on February 04, 2010, 19:11:34
i see a new form is in the works  :P
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fv628%2FInkjunkie42%2FIMG_0256.jpg&hash=289efd29f86d2bdee769ce377766366a)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on February 08, 2010, 17:40:24
Universal Laws

1.  Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2.  Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3.  Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.  Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5.  Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6.  Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7.  Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8.  Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9.  Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10.  Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.  Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.  They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance.  The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12.  The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13.  Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14.  Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15.  Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16.  Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17.  Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.  Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19.  Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on February 08, 2010, 21:18:26
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpunditkitchen.files.wordpress.com%2F2009%2F11%2Fpolitical-pictures-gamer-real-soldier.jpg%3Fw%3D500%26amp%3Bh%3D360&hash=d12ac318589c8afd94a45b12966bd841)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on February 14, 2010, 10:12:00
Press Release: Union Negotiations - Strike Imminent!

For immediate release

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife. The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.

General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth." Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out  that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. "How am I  supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........ it's too much to swallow." Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will put down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent and the entire Australian Continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway."

 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: MikeL on February 14, 2010, 10:22:58
My apologies entirely...not the intent at all. More of a comment on how even though the population of this country may or may not support the effort overseas, all of us reap the freedoms granted by those who serve.
-Mods, feel free to delete if this may be misconstrued.

P

would have been better if you just changed a few words from the original

http://arkjournal.com/uploaded_images/America-is-at-the-Mall-730517.jpg

example of what should have been written.
Canada is not at war. The Canadian Forces are at war. Canada is at the mall
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 40below on February 14, 2010, 11:09:07
Is there anything that can't be said with a motivational poster?

That fourth one is a clumsy Canadian 'shop of a U.S. meme that's been around since at least Gulf War I:

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmountainrunner.us%2Fimages%2Famerica_is_at_the_mall.jpg&hash=4152797342e3a7676ee8863ec11f6f59)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Yrys on February 14, 2010, 12:14:40
Russia farmer convicted of planting landmines in field  (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/country_profiles/8512173.stm)

A Russian farmer has been convicted of planting landmines
around his field to ward off trespassers.


add : I thought it fas funny that he use such extreme mesures
for thief, and that he can't do it on his land.

Maybe I don't have a "commen sense" humour today...
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on February 14, 2010, 12:27:08
Yrys, I think your link is screwed up.

Also, why is this in the jokes thread?
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ENGINEERS WIFE on February 14, 2010, 12:58:19
 :)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: MikeL on February 18, 2010, 07:31:28
Here's a website made by a US Marine, has a weekly comic strip. It's about the USMC, but some of it relates to the CF aswell.

http://terminallance.com/

http://terminallance.com/?p=221 - Anyone who has ever used the AN/PVS 7 will relate to this one

http://terminallance.com/?p=143 - And anyone who plays Modern Warfare 2
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on February 22, 2010, 09:02:41
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and explained by using a Q & A format:

Q.  What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A.  It's money the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money ?

A.  From taxpayers.

Q.  So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A.  Only a smidgen of it.

Q.  What is the purpose of this payment ?

A.  The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q.  But isn't that stimulating the economy of China  ?

A.  Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Canadian Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

*  If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .

*  If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

*  If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China .

*  If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Chile, Honduras and Guatemala.

*  If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

*  If  you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

*  If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in Canada by:

1)  Spending it at yard sales, or

2)  Going to hockey games, or

3)  Spending it on prostitutes, or

4)  Beer, or

5)  Tattoos.

(These are the only Canadian businesses still operating)

Conclusion:

Go to a Hockey game with a tattooed prostitute you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: mariomike on February 23, 2010, 11:08:50
Just a joke I saw, and remember from back when we were kids.

A guy was in the doghouse with his wife, so he sent her a check payable for "1,000 hugs and kisses".
Only to receive a letter back informing him, "Thanks for the cheque. The milkman cashed it this morning." 

I guess it's kind of corny now, but looking back, we were always making up stories and jokes like that.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Journeyman on February 23, 2010, 11:12:53
A friend sent me this link to I am awesome.com (http://iamawesome.com/).

I seem to attract weird people sometimes.


 

You people know who you are  :nod:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on February 25, 2010, 14:03:45
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, sir.  I'm only here to wash your upper body."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, sir !!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....





A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?" 

 :o   ;D

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: tango22a on February 25, 2010, 20:21:41

Good One, Moe!!!


tango22a
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on February 28, 2010, 07:03:54

 EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

       
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level) 
 
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.


Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on March 03, 2010, 08:43:10
Shorties: Stupid Human Tricks 
http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2000-45.html (http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2000-45.html)
2000 Darwin Award Nominee
Unconfirmed by Darwin
Robert, 37, shot himself while explaining gun safety to his wife in Glendale, California, when he placed a .45-caliber pistol he thought was unloaded under his chin and pulled the trigger. Shovestall's wife told police that the incident occurred after her complaints about her husband's 70 guns prompted him to demonstrate their safety.

A 23-year-old bar-brawler who had been escorted out of the Turtle Club in Florida by a bouncer, sneaked back in and leaped off a staircase, aiming a kick at another man, but was killed when he landed on his head.

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet, didn't put enough postage on a letter bomb, and it came back marked "return to sender." He opened the package and was blown away.

Two animal rights activists were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn by freeing a captive herd. Suddenly all two thousand of pigs stampeded through the gate they were opening, and trampled the hapless protesters to death.

News of the Weird reports that in September 1996 a man was crushed to death on a stairway at the Sammis Real Estate and Insurance office in Huntington, N.Y., while he was stealing the office's 600-pound safe. He apparently violated that cardinal rule of hauling massive objects: Never stand on a step lower than the one the safe is on. The safe was empty at the time of the incident.

In San Jose, California, Herman, an avid hunter, used the butt of his shotgun to bash his girlfriend's windshield during an argument. But his loaded gun accidentally discharged into his stomach, killing him and ending the argument.

"I cannot help but notice that there is no problem between us that cannot be solved by your departure."

DarwinAwards.com © 1994 - 2009
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on March 04, 2010, 09:17:46
Funny or Die's Presidential Reunion :

Barack Obama gets a surprise visit in the night from ex-Presidents Bush Sr., Bush Jr., Clinton, Ford, Reagan and Carter to get a few pointers about the Consumer Financial Protection Agency and why it's so

 http://www.funnyordie.com/
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on March 09, 2010, 18:12:45
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffailblog.files.wordpress.com%2F2010%2F03%2Fepic-fail-physics-fail.jpg&hash=77c69b3ccdac5e4c2ad4eafaf5048831)

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.angelfire.com%2Ftheforce%2Femprs_palpatine%2Fsmilies%2Ffight1.gif&hash=c9295c2641eb2d4335247e8d4101adfe)

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ivan the tolerable on March 10, 2010, 16:16:07
It made me larf...
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on March 15, 2010, 20:29:37
THIS IS SPARTA!!!!

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Factinglikeanimals.files.wordpress.com%2F2010%2F01%2F129067641049754261.jpg&hash=0942fe7cb2818aa98f496b43212e65c4)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on March 18, 2010, 09:56:45
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpunditkitchen.files.wordpress.com%2F2010%2F03%2Fpolitical-pictures-paratroopers-inflight-twilight.jpg&hash=50253f8dc3075d4e297a0d9644342d85)

 :rofl:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on March 18, 2010, 19:53:40
.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: VIChris on March 25, 2010, 21:57:31
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi12.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa216%2FTegra_devil%2F24696_348269893517_502783517_343618.jpg&hash=252abdb08239fdfcee07c0a23d28b0df)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on March 26, 2010, 14:12:13
*Looks outside dispatch window*


You lied!!!    ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on April 04, 2010, 01:15:03
The Navy Invented Sex

A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.

After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'

Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.

'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named

after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'

The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'

The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'

The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'

The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he

says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'

The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'



You May Be a Taliban, If ...



   1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

   2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

   3. You have more wives than teeth.

   4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

   5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

   6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

   7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

   8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

   9. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

  10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

  11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

  12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: mariomike on April 06, 2010, 17:36:18
Not sure if this has been posted, but I like it. Grey Power Rules! :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGBcY2IoFSg&feature=related
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: bdave on April 06, 2010, 18:30:43

The argument continued until the greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he

says...... 'The greeks invented sex!'

The Italian replies, 'That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women.'

Fix'd for originality.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on April 06, 2010, 19:13:15
Ever wonder in your relationship, how 'the fight' started...:

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
bed.

I turned to her and said,

'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,'

she answered.

I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying

'Yes.'

So I said,

'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please..'

He said,

'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked,
'What's on TV?'
I said,
'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary..
She said,

'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby
table.
I asked her,
'Do you know him?'
'Yes,'
she sighed,
'He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!'
I said,
'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER:

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck,
the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on April 06, 2010, 19:15:51
This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!  If you skip any, you have to read the last one!  Unbelievable, but supposedly all true!!!!     

=================================   

Tech support:   What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer:   A white one...

  ===============
 
Customer:   Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support:  Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer:  Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support:  That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer:  No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

 ===============

Tech support:  Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer:  Your left or my left?

 ===============

Tech support:  Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer:   Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start'  for me and...
Customer:  Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.


 ===============


Customer:  Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'.  I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...


 ============== =


Customer:  I have problems printing in red...
Tech support:  Do you have a color printer?
Customer:  Aaaah....................thank you.


 ===============


Tech support:  What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer:   A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.


 ===============


Customer:   My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support:  Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer:  No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support:  Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:!   OK
Tech support:   Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer:  Yes
Tech support:  That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer:  Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...


 ===============


Tech support:   Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer:  Is that 7 in capital letters ?


 == =============


Customer:  can't get on the Internet.
Tech support:  Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer:  Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support:  Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer:  Five stars.


 ===============


Tech support:   What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer:  Netscape.
Tech support:  That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer:  Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


 ===============


Customer:   I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


 ===============


Tech support:  How may I help you?
Customer:  I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support:  OK,  and what seems to be the problem?
Customer:  Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?


 ===============


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support:  Are you running it under windows?
Customer:  'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.  The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his  printer is working fine.'


 ===============


And last but not least...

Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer:  I don't have a P.
Tech support:  On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer:   What do you mean?
Tech support:  'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer:  I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on April 07, 2010, 15:06:27
I was out with family and friends at a local pub. 

They had a contest going on at the pub ----and of course we all joined in. 

I was doing quite well, proud of being able to answer all the questions.

I lost out on winning the pub quiz by one point. 

The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"

I was wrong...................apparently its Africa.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: DexOlesa on April 07, 2010, 16:49:33
My buddies and I had just passed Aircrew selection and went to a bar to celebrate, we were getting our orders and the waitress asked "So whats the occasion?" we told her we had just passed the military's aircrew selection. One guy jokingly said "Yeah we're Naval Aviators" (yeah we all watched topgun that night can you blame us  ::)  ) she looked at us and said "oh? is that like aviation?"..........................
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: recceguy on April 08, 2010, 08:53:46
My buddies and I had just passed Aircrew selection and went to a bar to celebrate, we were getting our orders and the waitress asked "So whats the occasion?" we told her we had just passed the military's aircrew selection. One guy jokingly said "Yeah we're Naval Aviators" (yeah we all watched topgun that night can you blame us  ::)  ) she looked at us and said "oh? is that like aviation?"..........................

 ??? Guess you had to be there.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: DexOlesa on April 08, 2010, 09:40:17
hey you said dumbest not funniest. This chick was the dumbest waitress I have EVER seen.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: DexOlesa on April 08, 2010, 09:48:19
and now I am the dumbest thing I've heard today as this is NOT the thread I thought I was posting in.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: fischer10 on April 08, 2010, 10:09:13
and now I am the dumbest thing I've heard today as this is NOT the thread I thought I was posting in.

WIN! You made my day and I JUST woke up. Going to be a great day!

Here is something to add:

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/129124422793160673.jpg
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: DexOlesa on April 08, 2010, 13:10:40
You're welcome. Always glad to help ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: The Crowe on April 08, 2010, 15:26:56
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.geekologie.com%2F2010%2F04%2F07%2Ffightin-and-boobies.jpg&hash=762c94f78ba334c1078a9b4290cb3894)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on April 11, 2010, 12:14:58
This struck me as funny/cute:

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fihasahotdog.files.wordpress.com%2F2010%2F04%2F129089597893539056.jpg&hash=1d76f64e1bf4eb133406f34741607378)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ENGINEERS WIFE on April 12, 2010, 01:50:32
 :)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on April 12, 2010, 17:12:55
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ficanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com%2F2009%2F06%2Ffunny-pictures-cat-is-too-big-for-bed.jpg&hash=4c2b7a42938e5262571e28473e974c1e)

 :rofl:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on April 12, 2010, 17:20:21
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.

The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he

hides underneath the bed."

The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared

that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady

next door."
   
=======================

A man walk into a supermarket and notices a beautiful woman staring at him.

She stares for quite some time, so finally the man asked "Do I know you?"

The woman answers "I think your the father of one of my kids".

The man thinks for a minute then

realizes this kid she is talking about must be the result of the one and only

time he ever cheated on his wife.

So he says to the woman "are you the stripper that was at my best friends

bachelor party about 5 years ago?"

"You know, the one I had sex with on the pool table while your friend

spanked my bare *** with a whip?"

The woman looks at him horrified and says "No, I'm your son's teacher".
===============================

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of

effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and

crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree

again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again,

while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think

it's time to tell him he's adopted."
==============================

An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"?

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said.

Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"?

"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she

replied. He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"?

"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother

replies.

The mother paused and said to her son... "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are

you so curious"
========================

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on

Santa's lap. Santa asks, 'What would you like Santa to bring you for

Christmas'?

The little girl replies, 'I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe'.

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, 'I thought Barbie

comes with Ken'.

'No', said the little girl. 'She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.'
========================

Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and

proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy,

"Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replies.

The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for?"

"Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me. They're for him. He's

my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be

able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: The Crowe on April 12, 2010, 17:48:54
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FGgnWt.jpg&hash=f7b1320e2c5dde16c630a7abb1e1cf0c)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on April 15, 2010, 11:51:52
An amusing website:  Things People Said (http://www.rinkworks.com/said/)

An example from the "Anecdotes of Stupidity" section:

At the fish hatchery where I work, we have a small display that describes the now-extinct Michigan Grayling (a kind of fish). This summer, I had the following conversation with a tourist:

Tourist: "Is the Grayling still extinct?"
Me: "Yes sir, it doesn't exist anymore."
Tourist: "Any thoughts of bringing it back?"
Me: "No, I don't think that's possible."
Tourist: "Why not?"
Me: "Because it's extinct."
Tourist: "Still?"
Me: "Yes."

Frustrated, he left.

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 40below on April 15, 2010, 14:51:41
It's from an American milblog, but it's relevant:
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffailblog.files.wordpress.com%2F2010%2F03%2Fepic-fail-discreet-fail.jpg&hash=9892c903813b29655ff552c9246531a4)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Occam on April 15, 2010, 16:13:49
I don't think the author intended this to be funny, yet....

From the Maritime Command Bulletin Board:

In conjunction with Law Day, lawyers from the Nova Scotia branch of the Canadian Bar Association will present a free evening seminar entitled, “Wills and Estates: What Military Personnel Need to Know” from 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. Thursday, April 15, 2010 at the Shearwater gymnasium. Then, on Saturday, April 17, 2010, come celebrate Law Day at the Spring Garden Road courthouse from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. Free events include a military court martial mock trial, speakers, police car demonstrations, tours of the jail cells, and face painting.

Casual care is available, please register by 13 April.


What a great outing for the wife and kids!   ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on April 15, 2010, 22:15:51
Today, my friend had to take my cat who has a tumor to be put down when I wasn't home since I couldn't bare to take him myself. I have two cats. He took the wrong one. FML

http://www.fmylife.com/tops?page=2 (http://www.fmylife.com/tops?page=2)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baloo on April 15, 2010, 23:52:11
Today, is the day my husband was supposed to come home from a six month tour at sea. I heard the door bell ring. I sprinted to the door expecting to hold my honey bear, instead two uniformed sailors with a folded flag greeted me. I burst into tears. My husband walked up behind me. He laughed. FML

http://www.fmylife.com/tops?page=2 (http://www.fmylife.com/tops?page=2)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on April 16, 2010, 10:48:42
Dead man wins mayor's race in U.S. town (http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2010/04/15/13600681-ap.html)

A dead man has been elected mayor of Tracy City, Tenn.

Carl Robin Geary died suddenly a few weeks ago. But he received 268 votes anyway in Tuesday’s nonpartisan election, beating out incumbent Barbara Brock with 85 votes in the two-candidate race.

An election administrator, Donna Basham, said Wednesday she wouldn’t speculate on why Geary won posthumously but noted his death had been widely reported at the time in this corner of southeastern Tennessee.

 :rofl:

Never mind FML, you know you must suck when a dead guy beats you in a mayoral race.   ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on April 19, 2010, 17:29:29
For those of you considering having children:

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fv632%2FPMedMoe%2FStuff%2FKids.jpg&hash=dd03c8711900002a7edaa5222f0c86b2)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: gcclarke on April 20, 2010, 10:22:23
For those of you considering having children:

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fv632%2FPMedMoe%2FStuff%2FKids.jpg&hash=dd03c8711900002a7edaa5222f0c86b2)

Hmmmm. The "No" from "Do you drink coffee?" should only be pointing towards "can you start?" and it's missing a "No" response to the question "Are you still in college?" Other than that, decently amusing. C+.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: The Crowe on April 20, 2010, 13:45:34
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fh79KF.jpg&hash=1a1ec6ff41e4051632b25735cb7001d9)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on April 20, 2010, 14:39:21
Thought about posting this in the "Dumb Criminals" thread, but it's just too funny....

Driver banned after operating toy car drunk (http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2010/04/19/13638901-qmi.html)

Paul Hutton, 40, said he regrets the decision to use the toy - which can reach a top speed of 6.4 km/h - to drive to a friend's house after he had been drinking, Britain's Daily Mail newspaper reported.

......

The newspaper reported Essex Police initially gave Hutton a warning, but when Hutton ignored them and slowly pulled away from the officers, they arrested him.

 :rofl:

I wonder if they chased him down on foot?   ;D

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on April 21, 2010, 08:13:21
How can you live without knowing these things?

1. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...
Ladies Forbidden" ... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

2. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma
Flintstone.

3. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

4. Men can read smaller print better than women can; women can hear better.

5. Coca-Cola was originally green.

6. It is impossible to lick your elbow.

7. The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

8. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

9. The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

10. The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

11. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

12. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

13. The youngest pope was 11 years old.

14. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

15. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

16. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

17. A cute mathematical trick: 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

18. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the
person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds
received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

19. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and
Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't
added until 5 years later.

20. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
Their birthplace

21. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
Obsession

22. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find
the letter "A"?
One thousand

23. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all
have in common?
All invented by women.

24. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
Honey

25. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
Father's Day

26. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you
pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence
the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight."

27. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the
wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could
drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period
was called the honey month... which we know today as the honeymoon.

28. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts,
and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."

29. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or
handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to
get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

30. At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on April 21, 2010, 13:27:21
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists:

A Yale graduate, and A Newfoundlander.

They were given a single word, then allowed two minutes to come up
with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '.

The Yale graduate steps to the microphone and said:

 'SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND
  TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
  MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO
  DESTINATION - TIMBUKTU '.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the Newfie top that, they thought.

The Newfoundlander calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

'ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,
 MET T'REE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.
 DEY WAS T'REE, AND WE WAS TWO,
 SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU '!
 
 The Newfie won hands down.

===========================

The Candy With The Little Hole - Lifesavers


This should make you smile.
You have to love little kids.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.....................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ***-holes!
======================

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 70.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'


'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.


He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a crap?
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: dredre on April 21, 2010, 17:00:37
Hillbilly on riding mower tasered......"I think I cr#pped my pants!"

http://www.break.com/index/hillybilly-on-riding-mower-tasered.html (http://www.break.com/index/hillybilly-on-riding-mower-tasered.html)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on April 21, 2010, 21:38:19
Interesting Facts

1. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would
have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)

2. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough
gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)

3. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)
(How'd they figure this out, and why?)

4. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still can't get over that pig thing)
(Don't try this at home...maybe at work?)

5. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
(And pigs get 30-minute orgasms?  Doesn't seem fair)

6. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmmmmm........)

7. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)

8. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its
own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...?)
(Did taxpayers pay for this research??)

9. Polar bears are left handed.
(Who knew....?  Who cares?  How'd they find out, did they ask them?)

10. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

11. The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??  And why pigs?)

12. A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.
(Creepy)

13. The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.
The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home.  What the....)
(Well, at least pigs get a break there...)

14. Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I still want to be a pig ...  quality over quantity)

15. Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Oh, Geez)  (That's almost as bad as catfish)

16. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)

17. Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on April 22, 2010, 17:25:41
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ficanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com%2F2010%2F04%2Ffunny-pictures-cat-has-issues.jpg&hash=0aadbe9e24d2e960f9ed201be0767695)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Retired AF Guy on April 22, 2010, 21:21:32
How can you live without knowing these things?

5. Coca-Cola was originally green.

 False. (http://www.snopes.com/cokelore/green.asp) The bottles may have been green, but the drink never.

Quote
16. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

 False.  (http://www.snopes.com/history/world/cardking.asp)

Quote
17. A cute mathematical trick: 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Probably true. My calculators only go up to 11,111,111 X 11,111,111 but my answer is 1234567.8

Quote
24. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
Honey
  Possibly true. I had jars of honey I bought in Italy and brought back to Canada and kept six-seven years and gave to friends and they loved it!

Quote
27. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the
wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could
drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period
was called the honey month... which we know today as the honeymoon.

I thought it was the Celtics and ancient Germans who drank mead, not Babylonians. And isn't it considered a "wine" not "beer?"

Quote
30. At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

I know I tried!  ;D

 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: DexOlesa on April 22, 2010, 22:08:24
You got wrong answer cause you are missing a digit in each of those. its 111,111,111 not 11,111,111. I just did it and it is the correct answer.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: S.M.A. on April 22, 2010, 22:18:07
Hell hath no fury like a man scorned!  >:D

link (http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/100422/world/us_craigslist_fake_orgy)

Quote
By Stephanie Reitz, The Associated Press

 
HARTFORD, Conn. - A man who was feuding with his neighbour targeted her in an explicit online posting that invited strangers to a rowdy orgy with a bored soccer mom, police said.


Philip James Conran, 42, made his first court appearance Thursday, but did not enter a plea to charges including reckless endangerment, harassment, criminal trespass and risk of injury to a minor.


The charges stem from an April 5 posting on Craigslist that said a woman in West Hartford wanted to "please as many as I can before I go to work!"  Detectives, Conran's attorney and the woman targeted in the posting are not saying what prompted the feud between the longtime neighbours in the middle-class Hartford suburb.

(...)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on April 27, 2010, 19:16:25
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fchztweetbaggery.files.wordpress.com%2F2010%2F03%2F129125620603356033.jpg&hash=4c968f44c2389d6470c080d8af8f021d)

I agree.   :nod:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on April 28, 2010, 11:16:12
Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2010
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible
rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection,
make him a sandwich .

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,
teach a person to use the Internet and
they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ...
Not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when
you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to Criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00,
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought For 2010

"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers;
What you do today, might Burn Your *** Tomorrow"
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on April 28, 2010, 11:20:33
STUD ROOSTER

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, Time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
And I am taking over.'

The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'

 The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
When he sees the roosters running by.

The Old Rooster is squawking
And running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

'Dammit......
Third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this
Story? ....
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
Always overcome youth and arrogance!
OLD  DUDES RULE
 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 211RadOp on April 28, 2010, 13:37:39

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
Always overcome youth and arrogance!
OLD  DUDES RULE

I keep telling the young kids in my Troop that.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on April 29, 2010, 11:05:14
Two old guys talking.

One said to the other: "My 65th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".

Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"

First guy: "Yup -  Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"
 



Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on April 29, 2010, 11:31:54
What can you do with a single loony on a Sunday night?

To really p.....s somebody off on a Monday?
 
 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on April 29, 2010, 13:16:38
Did you hear about the guy who had a map of Canada tattooed on his ***?

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ft3.gstatic.com%2Fimages%3Fq%3Dtbn%3ASHUnPiAaPbVz5M%3Ahttp%3A%2F%2Focw.capcollege.bc.ca%2Fgeography%2FPolitical_map_of_Canada.jpg&hash=d422fef92dc11f90b8f72748f2441554)


Every time he sits down Quebec separates.......

 :rofl:

No offense intended to any Canadians.   :cdn:   
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on April 30, 2010, 12:49:29
Since it's still April.....barely....a final April Fool's joke:

Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little *******!!!

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: spear on May 01, 2010, 11:30:05
www.afblues.com which makes a reference to the popular 1950s movie DR. STRANGELOVE.

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi195.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fz181%2FMSantor%2FUSAFDrStrangelovecomic.jpg&hash=a61d001118a070f3fe3570acc8e556e2)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on May 05, 2010, 17:24:17
Not really funny, actually, pretty cool.

A couple of teenagers from London Ontario created this rap video:  Canadian, Please (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWQf13B8epw&feature=player_embedded)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Occam on May 05, 2010, 21:07:45
Not really funny, actually, pretty cool.

A couple of teenagers from London Ontario created this rap video:  Canadian, Please (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWQf13B8epw&feature=player_embedded)

They're young, but not teenagers.  They both completed BA degrees in 2008, and the video was recorded in mid-2009.  Pretty good for a low budget video, though!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on May 05, 2010, 21:11:44
They're young, but not teenagers.  They both completed BA degrees in 2008, and the video was recorded in mid-2009.  Pretty good for a low budget video, though!

Oh well, they look like teenagers!  I guess that's my age showing.....   :-[
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Loachman on May 06, 2010, 04:01:29
actually, pretty cool.

Until they got to the mindless "Lose the gun" comment.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Tommy on May 07, 2010, 04:53:53
www.afblues.com which makes a reference to the popular 1950s movie DR. STRANGELOVE.

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi195.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fz181%2FMSantor%2FUSAFDrStrangelovecomic.jpg&hash=a61d001118a070f3fe3570acc8e556e2)

That is great!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: BYT Driver on May 07, 2010, 18:43:59
Not really funny, actually, pretty cool.

A couple of teenagers from London Ontario created this rap video:  Canadian, Please (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWQf13B8epw&feature=player_embedded)
What a cool CANADIAN content video...I loved the whole bit...catchy tune too!!! 
Proud to be   :cdn:

 :piper:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on May 08, 2010, 10:04:16
Buy, Buy American Pie  ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vq8wbXAR4ZQ
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on May 10, 2010, 08:04:57
In honour of Mother's Day yesterday:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION:
'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC:
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC:
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY:
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA:
'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER:
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE:
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY:
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do..'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING:
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP:
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR:
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT:
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS:
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS:
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM:
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my very favorite:
My mother taught me about JUSTICE:
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you '
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on May 13, 2010, 20:25:25
A comment from a gaming room I'm in:

"my niece has pore vision"

I'm like, "Wow, she can see through her skin?  Cool!"

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: mariomike on May 13, 2010, 20:28:01
A comment from a gaming room I'm in:

"my niece has pore vision"

I'm like, "Wow, she can see through her skin?  Cool!"

 ;D

Oh, the pour gurl!  :)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: VIChris on May 13, 2010, 22:25:31
Three kids are having a discussion about who's dad is the fastest one day.

The first kid feels he has the fastest dad. "My dad's a sprinter, he can run the 100m in just over 10 seconds" he proclaims.

"That's nothing" says the second kid. "My dad's a drag racer, and in less than ten seconds, his car pass through the quarter mile."

The winning argument comes from the third kid: "My dad's a government worker, and he's so fast he can travel through time!"

"No way!" Cry the other two kids.

"Yeah he can. Every day he gets off work at 4:30, and he's home by 3!"
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Retired AF Guy on May 22, 2010, 22:06:07
A few motivational posters to help us through the long weekend:

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on May 26, 2010, 18:16:59
One hot summer day, a Newfie came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?" The Newfie said it was his.

"Your dog seems  to be in heat" the officer said.

The Newfie  replied, "No way. She's cool  'cause she's tied up under that  shade tree."

The policeman said, "No! You  don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."

"No way," said the Newfie. "That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry cause I fed her this mornin'."

The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!"

The Newfie looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on May 28, 2010, 08:36:54
New Kia Soul ad brings back the hamsters, and the funk

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/driveon/post/2010/05/kia-soul-commercial-brings-back-the-hamsters-and-the-funk/1
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on May 28, 2010, 09:05:07
Southern Girl
   

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive Blonde woman from Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play Topless." With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, Baby, Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down, and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers. Then she picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other ans wered, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."


Moral --- Not all Southerners are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb. But, all men..... are men.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on May 28, 2010, 12:51:10
GI Insurance
   

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on May 28, 2010, 12:57:10
The Horse and Chicken
   

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together. One day, the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.

Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no
avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the
chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the
chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his
friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best
Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life. The horse
thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking
underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he could
then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse
pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (Yes, there's a moral!)


"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on May 31, 2010, 14:38:30
An interesting take.....
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Alea on May 31, 2010, 14:44:37
An interesting take.....

 :rofl:

... except that I would not want to see myself eaten by little "bibites" and get out of my grave (yark)... I like the sound of it all. It also reminds me of that "The curious case of Benjamin Botton" movie.


Edit: for spell check
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on June 03, 2010, 10:37:42
From personal experience the last couple of days:

Definition of irony:  Hospital security handing out fines* to people smoking in non-smoking areas on hospital property and then smoking in non-smoking areas themselves.

Definition of confusing:  A person in a left-hand turn lane with their right-hand turn signal blinking.

*Note:  Fines (as with parking fines here) are payable to the hospital and not the city.   ::)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on June 03, 2010, 11:31:09
Sunday Morning Sex
 
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
 
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along..   
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on June 05, 2010, 12:32:01
Now, this is ironic......

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpunditkitchen.files.wordpress.com%2F2010%2F06%2Ffireflood.jpg&hash=b2d7debdd3838181b8715f847837558a)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: mariomike on June 05, 2010, 17:21:03
Now, this is ironic......

1) I am not an insurance expert. But, I wonder if a homeowner policy would be more likely to pay off for a fire, than a flood ( act of nature )?

2) Like the song says, is it possible to be too sexy?:
( Viewer discretion is advised. Speakers only, perhaps. ):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q75gREOjyFI

"Sexy prison guard too gorgeous, fired":
http://glossynews.com/society/strange-people/200908270551/sexy-prison-guard-too-gorgeous-fired/
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on June 05, 2010, 22:53:48
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpunditkitchen.files.wordpress.com%2F2010%2F06%2Ffireflood.jpg&hash=b2d7debdd3838181b8715f847837558a)
Sign number 68 that God has answered your prayers for forgiveness with a resounding NO!  ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: S.M.A. on June 07, 2010, 13:51:11
Over 900 students and faculty at the University of Victoria, in BC, staged their own version of the music video for the song "Hey Soul Sister".

Youtube link (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EeGDRSWB46w)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on June 07, 2010, 14:11:07
Loved it! Joy, music, dancing, fun ........Great

Thanks for the link  CD. ;D


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tglSCIpaXPs&feature=fvsr
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 57Chevy on June 07, 2010, 22:10:49
Over 900 students and faculty at the University of Victoria, in BC, staged their own version of the music video for the song "Hey Soul Sister".

Youtube link (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EeGDRSWB46w)

Excellent.......a definite arts credit
 :cheers:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Dou You on June 08, 2010, 00:09:19
Over 900 students and faculty at the University of Victoria, in BC, staged their own version of the music video for the song "Hey Soul Sister".

Youtube link (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EeGDRSWB46w)

Although it is an amazing video, I think that is actually a school in Spain not UVic in BC...
It's definitely a video that makes you happy for watching it though!  :nod:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on June 14, 2010, 16:05:45
SMART ***:

Two young businessmen  in Florida  were sitting  down for a break in their soon-to-be new  store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only  a few shelves and display racks set up.   
One said to the other,  "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by,  put his face to the window, and ask what we're  selling."

Sure enough,  just a moment later,  a  curious senior gentleman walked up to the window,  looked around intensely and rapped  on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of  the men  replied sarcastically, "We're selling ***-holes." Without skipping a  beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."
 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on June 14, 2010, 17:10:56
A teenage boy asked his father for a car.  His father said, "If you bring your grades up, study your Bible more and get a hair cut, we'll talk about it."

The boy brought ups his grades and studied his Bible, but did not get a hair cut.

A few months later, the father said, "Well, you really improved your grades and I notice you reading the Bible all the time, but why haven't you got a hair cut?"

The boy replied, "Well, while studying the Bible, I noted that Jesus and all his Apostles and everyone else had long hair, so I figured, why should I cut mine?"

The father said, "Did you also notice that they walked everywhere?"

 ;D

As a parent, it's always great to get the last word.

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on June 14, 2010, 18:34:46
Although it is an amazing video, I think that is actually a school in Spain not UVic in BC...
It's definitely a video that makes you happy for watching it though!  :nod:

Finally got around to watching this.  Excellent video, looks like they had loads of fun!

And yes, UVIC is in Spain:  http://www.uvic.cat/en (http://www.uvic.cat/en)

In Vic, Spain, to be exact.   ;)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: McD on June 14, 2010, 19:42:48
Although it is an amazing video, I think that is actually a school in Spain not UVic in BC...
It's definitely a video that makes you happy for watching it though!  :nod:

This really was well done! I picked the wrong school to go to.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on June 14, 2010, 21:28:49
BP Oil Spill Response Parodies Flood YouTube

http://www.wikio.com/video/bp-spills-coffee-3436161 (http://www.wikio.com/video/bp-spills-coffee-3436161)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on June 15, 2010, 08:51:19
Raging bull, running matador (http://www.cbc.ca/cp/Oddities/i37449.html)

The bull charged and matador Christian Hernandez took off — across the ring, over the wall and into controversy.

The admittedly terrified torero was arrested after Sunday's botched bullfight at the Plaza Mexico, apparently for breach of contract, local media reported Monday. He was released after paying a fine.

"There are some things you must be aware of about yourself," the 22-year-old Mexican matador said in a television interview. "I didn't have the ability, I didn't have the balls, this is not my thing."

In a sight rarely seen in the bravado world of bullfighting, Hernandez made a spin with his red cape at the charging bull, then ran across the ring and leapt headlong over the wall to safety, dropping his cape in the process. The crowd hooted in derision.

......

He later said he would retire from bullfighting.

A bit more at link

Must have been one heck of a bullfight.   ::)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 2010newbie on June 15, 2010, 09:02:45
The Pilot from Tac.tv (3 parts)

Claymation video of airline pilots calling in a mayday and air traffic control scrambling two CF-18's to intercept.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XttWE_2ahjg&feature=PlayList&p=3B7F3862350404CB&playnext_from=PL&playnext=2

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on June 19, 2010, 12:16:12
Old Guys should be careful!

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc.  This is the first warning I have seen for men.  I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Rona, Home Depot, Costco, or Wal-Mart customers.  This one caught me totally by surprise.

Over the last month, I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.  Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.  Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your shopping into your vehicle.  They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's almost impossible not to look.)  When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No', but instead ask for a ride to McDonalds.

You agree, and they climb into the vehicle.  On the way, they start undressing.  Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 24th.  Also June 1st, 4th,9th, 12th twice on the 15th, three times last Friday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.  What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men.  Warn your friends to be vigilant.

By the way, Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each.  I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds.  I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, etc..

So, please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the look out for this scam.  (Incidentally, the best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Teeps74 on June 19, 2010, 14:43:44
Ok, thank god I am aware enough to only drink water while reading these forums... Water out the nose still sucks though.  Thanks!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Luke O on June 21, 2010, 09:56:21
Haha Rifleman, that was a good one.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on June 21, 2010, 18:32:21
There's a commercial I've been hearing on the radio lately that goes something like this:

"Ottawa is about to see a shortage of workers never seen before."

So, if we've never seen these workers, how can there be a shortage?   ???

 ;D

Edit to add:  It's a commercial to register for a seminar/work group to be a "Gen Y employer".   ::)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on June 21, 2010, 21:32:51
THE  OLD RANCHER

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride..

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
 
Tom proudly said,  'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'

Don't ever underestimate old guys!!!    ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: SARgirl on June 21, 2010, 21:43:20
The other day, heading down a freeway, I saw a vehicle done up with big letters across the back of his vehicle which said, "Traffic Ticket Defense" and then some sort of logo about getting out of tickets.  Behind this vehicle, was a cop car... the cop car followed the "Traffic Ticket Defense" vehicle's every move for blocks and blocks until I lost sight of them.  I can't help but, to think, the cop may have been messing with him a bit... following the "Traffic Ticket Defense" vehicle, just to un-nerve him a bit.  At first, I didn't think much about the Traffic Ticket Defense vehicle... until I saw the cop car pull up behind him; I couldn't help but, to get a chuckle out of a moment like that.  It would have made for a great photo, if I had my camera with me.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on June 21, 2010, 22:06:06
Love the world cup?  Love the vuvuzela?  Then why wait?  Surf the net the same way you'd watch a game in South Africa!

Go here (http://www.vuvuzela-time.co.uk), now!  And thank me later!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Luke O on June 22, 2010, 14:55:29
The Pilot from Tac.tv (3 parts)

Claymation video of airline pilots calling in a mayday and air traffic control scrambling two CF-18's to intercept.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XttWE_2ahjg&feature=PlayList&p=3B7F3862350404CB&playnext_from=PL&playnext=2

I laughed.  hard.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hammer Sandwich on June 23, 2010, 21:31:55

Go here (http://www.vuvuzela-time.co.uk), now!  And thank me later!
[/quote]

I actually clicked on it.

I am as dumb as I look.

Thanks a heap!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hammer Sandwich on June 23, 2010, 22:04:11
would have been better if you just changed a few words from the original

http://arkjournal.com/uploaded_images/America-is-at-the-Mall-730517.jpg

example of what should have been written.
Canada is not at war. The Canadian Forces are at war. Canada is at the mall

Ridiculous NECRO, I know, just noticed.

But the picture is supposed to be a play on the old "America is at war" poster, except with Canadian troops.

That's the whole Goddamn point.

If clarification is required, send me your address, and I will bring the spoon, and a napkin to wipe your bubblin' lips.

edit:(forgot the word "the")
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Retired AF Guy on July 04, 2010, 20:38:53
Got to love the Brits and there sense of humour!  :)

 Article Link  (http://undertheradar.military.com/2010/07/top-gun-moment/)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Delta26 on July 05, 2010, 04:18:53
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fthereifixedit.files.wordpress.com%2F2010%2F06%2Fe1285d90-ee54-4f22-9955-e9759cf08d7e.jpg&hash=36c455e88e877c80adcf6c695fc460df)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Sapplicant on July 05, 2010, 11:12:50
http://myspace.roflposters.com/images/rofl/myspace/1233322296325.jpg.%5Broflposters.com%5D.myspace.jpg (http://myspace.roflposters.com/images/rofl/myspace/1233322296325.jpg.%5Broflposters.com%5D.myspace.jpg)

I do not own this, nor did I create it. All credit to someone who has photoshop, free time, and a sense of humor that compares to that of many, many people here.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rheostatic on July 06, 2010, 19:39:18
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fthereifixedit.files.wordpress.com%2F2010%2F06%2Fe1285d90-ee54-4f22-9955-e9759cf08d7e.jpg&hash=36c455e88e877c80adcf6c695fc460df)
Easier to fix than a Drash.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on July 10, 2010, 18:49:51
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
 
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.    As soon as he could manage,  he took himself to the doctor.
 
He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon  next week and my fiancée is still a virgin - in every way'
 
The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight...  It should be okay next week.'
 
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together;  an impressive work of art.
 
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.
 
That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.  She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'
 
He immediately drops his pants and replies, .....'Look at this, ....still in the CRATE!'
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on July 11, 2010, 12:27:46
I think I'd be scared to bungee jump here:

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.engrish.com%2F%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2010%2F06%2Fthe-one-fitting-the-next-item.jpg&hash=b83ef2eb44b66bd44c99ff6756b3023a)

 :o
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on July 15, 2010, 12:38:48
Official  Announcement:

The government today announced that it is changing its  emblem from a Maple Leaf to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the  government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts  production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and  gives you a sense of security while you're actually being  screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more  accurate than that! 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: HavokFour on July 15, 2010, 23:10:32
When you see it...

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi30.tinypic.com%2Fqn4vug.jpg&hash=39c4f3da31d51f099aa1d999ba8a1eef)

Text: "An elderly Iraqi woman shows two bullets which she says hit her house following an early coalition forces raid in the predominately Shiite Baghdad suburb of Sadr City..."

Also...

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi26.tinypic.com%2F2zdyddc.jpg&hash=1f765433e1cc669c6d26c6385d08c3bc)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on July 16, 2010, 05:34:03
PUMA was ditched by our goverment as to expensive. Here is our new IFV:

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Flh5.ggpht.com%2F_HFrIo2EcPu0%2FS2C3lK84B8I%2FAAAAAAAACKs%2FoSgacwzmF7U%2Fs640%2Fsmiesel.jpg&hash=62e627d1e265da628c4b8c64ffeaa48f)

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: George Wallace on July 16, 2010, 09:30:06
Now that is what I'd like to have to navigate through rush hour traffic.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: DexOlesa on July 16, 2010, 09:47:10
The only smart car I'd ever consider buying
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Delta26 on July 16, 2010, 16:06:13
ok.. Either Ironduke57, or Havokfour..


 One of you jokers owes me a new keyboard...



Thanks for the lift.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on July 16, 2010, 16:08:38
No problem. You only have to pick it up here.  :nana:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on July 16, 2010, 18:10:38
PUMA was ditched by our goverment as to expensive. Here is our new IFV:

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Flh5.ggpht.com%2F_HFrIo2EcPu0%2FS2C3lK84B8I%2FAAAAAAAACKs%2FoSgacwzmF7U%2Fs640%2Fsmiesel.jpg&hash=62e627d1e265da628c4b8c64ffeaa48f)

 ;D
I know it's not the AFV recognition thread, but....
Is that a Smart Car on a Wiesel chassis?  ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Michael O'Leary on July 16, 2010, 18:14:50
A cow picture for all the PETA fans:

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on July 16, 2010, 19:32:13
I know it's not the AFV recognition thread, but....
Is that a Smart Car on a Wiesel chassis?  ;D
Yes. (But the Wiesel part is backwards and it is only shopped.)

Regards,
ironduke57
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on July 16, 2010, 19:36:17
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg38.imageshack.us%2Fimg38%2F5398%2Fsigfinishcf4.png&hash=3f6ee84afd09bc16f587d3efb643d39a) (http://img38.imageshack.us/my.php?image=sigfinishcf4.png)

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg46.imageshack.us%2Fimg46%2F9996%2Ftankad.gif&hash=0f001aa1e9f6ee215fd2b22058f35f9c) (http://img46.imageshack.us/my.php?image=tankad.gif)

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg704.imageshack.us%2Fimg704%2F2338%2Fthenextlevel.gif&hash=8af2a1b977632c1cc23c2027535c890f) (http://img704.imageshack.us/my.php?image=thenextlevel.gif)

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg46.imageshack.us%2Fimg46%2F2922%2Fplante6.gif&hash=a83993281ef44855fbb99062aceb7f0c) (http://img46.imageshack.us/my.php?image=plante6.gif)

http://img571.imageshack.us/my.php?image=planes168.jpg
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: HavokFour on July 16, 2010, 20:37:00
How about a little dark humor.

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi31.tinypic.com%2Fk553rr.jpg&hash=0d1cc0a5fa828dc3c3c967cd0418b253)
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi28.tinypic.com%2F2mpxu8n.jpg&hash=f8a00343213083f684d25fe7cf871410)

And some friendly to keep the universe in balance.

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi28.tinypic.com%2F2dj2g06.jpg&hash=0ec7c8e07ac9ea52594899e542e1105e)
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi32.tinypic.com%2F9a7nux.jpg&hash=a44a28fc9a9cdc305d316697a56269bd)


ok.. Either Ironduke57, or Havokfour..


 One of you jokers owes me a new keyboard...



Thanks for the lift.

No refunds.  ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on July 17, 2010, 14:06:55
You want dark humour? You will get it! ;D >:D
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.titanic-magazin.de%2Fuploads%2Fpics%2F20100412-Polen-offen.jpg&hash=66f67c8d249ef75cd8a3a7c3932d536e)

Translation:
Merkel: "There President, there Military Leaders - all dead!"
Putin: "You the west, we the east - as always?"

Lower line: "Poland without Leadership - what now?"

---------------------------------------------
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.titanic-magazin.de%2Fuploads%2Fpics%2F0419-luftraum_01.jpg&hash=9dcbdedce70085310f88ea6cc0949d03)

Translation:
"Sadly 65 years to late:"
"Germany´s air space stay´s free!"

---------------------------------------------
And an older one:
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg838.imageshack.us%2Fimg838%2F1413%2F1065889792.jpg&hash=833af89486367c45941840942476bbf5)

Translation:
"Bonjour, frog devourer!"
"We are back!"


All from the german Satirical Magazine "Titanic".

Regards,
ironduke57
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on July 19, 2010, 09:51:57
Quote
Courtesy of squid314 (http://squid314.livejournal.com/275614.html) via Volokh Conspiracy on pitfalls of unrealistic SciFi

Stuff
As I mentioned in my last entry, I've been watching Babylon 5 lately. It's not a perfect show, but it has one big advantage: it's consistent and believable.

Contrast this with Doctor Who. Doctor Who is fun to watch, but if you think about it for more than two seconds you notice it's full of plot holes and contradictions. Things that cause time travel paradoxes that threaten to destroy the universe one episode go without a hitch the next. And the TARDIS, the sonic screwdriver, and the Doctor's biology gain completely different powers no one's ever alluded to depending on the situation. The aliens are hysterically unlikely, often without motives or believable science, the characters will do any old insane thing when it makes the plot slightly more interesting, and everything has either a self-destruct button or an easily findable secret weakness that it takes no efforts to defend against.

But I guess I'm not complaining. If the show was believable, the Doctor would have gotten killed the first time he decided to take on a massive superadvanced alien invasion force by walking right up to them openly with no weapons and no plan. And then they would have had to cancel the show, and then I would lose my chance to look at the pretty actress who plays Amy Pond.

So Doctor Who is not a complete loss. But then there are some shows that go completely beyond the pale of enjoyability, until they become nothing more than overwritten collections of tropes impossible to watch without groaning.

I think the worst offender here is the History Channel and all their programs on the so-called "World War II".

Let's start with the bad guys. Battalions of stormtroopers dressed in all black, check. Secret police, check. Determination to brutally kill everyone who doesn't look like them, check. Leader with a tiny villain mustache and a tendency to go into apopleptic rage when he doesn't get his way, check. All this from a country that was ordinary, believable, and dare I say it sometimes even sympathetic in previous seasons.

I wouldn't even mind the lack of originality if they weren't so heavy-handed about it. Apparently we're supposed to believe that in the middle of the war the Germans attacked their allies the Russians, starting an unwinnable conflict on two fronts, just to show how sneaky and untrustworthy they could be? And that they diverted all their resources to use in making ever bigger and scarier death camps, even in the middle of a huge war? Real people just aren't that evil. And that's not even counting the part where as soon as the plot requires it, they instantly forget about all the racism nonsense and become best buddies with the definitely non-Aryan Japanese.

Not that the good guys are much better. Their leader, Churchill, appeared in a grand total of one episode before, where he was a bumbling general who suffered an embarrassing defeat to the Ottomans of all people in the Battle of Gallipoli. Now, all of a sudden, he's not only Prime Minister, he's not only a brilliant military commander, he's not only the greatest orator of the twentieth century who can convince the British to keep going against all odds, he's also a natural wit who is able to pull out hilarious one-liners practically on demand. I know he's supposed to be the hero, but it's not realistic unless you keep the guy at least vaguely human.

So it's pretty standard "shining amazing good guys who can do no wrong" versus "evil legions of darkness bent on torture and genocide" stuff, totally ignoring the nuances and realities of politics. The actual strategy of the war is barely any better. Just to give one example, in the Battle of the Bulge, a vastly larger force of Germans surround a small Allied battalion and demand they surrender or be killed. The Allied general sends back a single-word reply: "Nuts!". The Germans attack, and, miraculously, the tiny Allied force holds them off long enough for reinforcements to arrive and turn the tide of battle. Whoever wrote this episode obviously had never been within a thousand miles of an actual military.

Probably the worst part was the ending. The British/German story arc gets boring, so they tie it up quickly, have the villain kill himself (on Walpurgisnacht of all days, not exactly subtle) and then totally switch gears to a battle between the Americans and the Japanese in the Pacific. Pretty much the same dichotomy - the Japanese kill, torture, perform medical experiments on prisoners, and frickin' play football with the heads of murdered children, and the Americans are led by a kindly old man in a wheelchair.

Anyway, they spend the whole season building up how the Japanese home islands are a fortress, and the Japanese will never surrender, and there's no way to take the Japanese home islands because they're invincible...and then they realize they totally can't have the Americans take the Japanese home islands so they have no way to wrap up the season.

So they invent a completely implausible superweapon that they've never mentioned until now. Apparently the Americans got some scientists together to invent it, only we never heard anything about it because it was "classified". In two years, the scientists manage to invent a weapon a thousand times more powerful than anything anyone's ever seen before - drawing from, of course, ancient mystical texts. Then they use the superweapon, blow up several Japanese cities easily, and the Japanese surrender. Convenient, isn't it?

...and then, in the entire rest of the show, over five or six different big wars, they never use the superweapon again. Seriously. They have this whole thing about a war in Vietnam that lasts decades and kills tens of thousands of people, and they never wonder if maybe they should consider using the frickin' unstoppable mystical superweapon that they won the last war with. At this point, you're starting to wonder if any of the show's writers have even watched the episodes the other writers made.

I'm not even going to get into the whole subplot about breaking a secret code (cleverly named "Enigma", because the writers couldn't spend more than two seconds thinking up a name for an enigmatic code), the giant superintelligent computer called Colossus (despite this being years before the transistor was even invented), the Soviet strongman whose name means "Man of Steel" in Russian (seriously, between calling the strongman "Man of Steel" and the Frenchman "de Gaulle", whoever came up with the names for this thing ought to be shot).

So yeah. Stay away from the History Channel. Unlike most of the other networks, they don't even try to make their stuff believable.
;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on July 19, 2010, 10:28:17
airline advertisement at Manchester airport- and they are not gonna tell us how it was done!

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=6NPF0A_vGC4 (http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=6NPF0A_vGC4)
 

 WHERE ELSE WOULD THEY PAY YOU TO SIT ON YOUR ASRE

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on July 19, 2010, 16:30:07
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.abload.de%2Fimg%2Fthumbshornoxecompicdumnfvy.jpg&hash=68e6b61d362e0bd3659cdc483b04f2b2)

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: HavokFour on July 19, 2010, 18:35:26
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi31.tinypic.com%2F2r3yy4y.jpg&hash=7c6d9bc5f54d25715cc1dca4ca2bb3e7)

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on July 21, 2010, 09:58:45
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg707.imageshack.us%2Fimg707%2F9716%2Fsizedoesmatter.jpg&hash=0131d779d2f8758bf144f6064c4cc91a)
If she goes on like that it will be a L55 in no time.  ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: HavokFour on July 22, 2010, 21:52:51
Another one for the funnies.

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Retired AF Guy on July 24, 2010, 12:51:29
From Aislin at the Montreal Gazettte:

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on July 27, 2010, 18:37:43
Maybe the fast food places in KAF should have stayed closed to this guy:

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpunditkitchen.files.wordpress.com%2F2010%2F07%2F943abdfa-77e3-477a-b923-2dfa6560062e.jpg&hash=499fb7fdcfb4b39fc30d477bb4e92601)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on July 28, 2010, 15:56:47
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan   desert when he saw some tents far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the camp, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties..
 
 
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
 
 
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water, but would you like to buy a tie?  They are only $5."
 
 
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!
 
 
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.  If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
 
 
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
 
 
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said "Your f****ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Retired FDO on July 30, 2010, 03:14:00
/Users/gcarroll613/Pictures/iPhoto Library/Originals/2010/2010-07-29/34638_10150231420095156_526610155_13599216_5494704_n.jpg
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?op=1&view=global&subj=807715496&pid=31395661&id=1374986539&oid=108135725889298
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on August 06, 2010, 07:48:41
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg12.imageshack.us%2Fimg12%2F1628%2F4711m.jpg&hash=c05ec19ce4cfce9d760291fdf6430b86)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: HavokFour on August 13, 2010, 02:52:54
For those that watch Whale Wars, this will knock your socks off!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwQadE_bexM

Narrator: 'The Steve Irwin has not been able to find the Japanese fleet, despite 'Captain' Watson's belief that the whalers are still in the area...'
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Oh No a Canadian on August 13, 2010, 03:03:18
Read the caption to the picture.  ;D

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Floyalkng.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2009%2F07%2Fmichael-jackson-1985-imagines-2000-ebony-magazine-guessed-age.jpg&hash=b84179f3c34d26e90374b25d333ec7e0)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Dou You on August 13, 2010, 03:21:09
Hahaha I can't stop staring at his "handsome" and "more mature" duster on his upper lip.  ;D

It's just.....so....."graceful" haha
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on August 16, 2010, 09:14:18
A little long, but worth the read:

*DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING*

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course
of you date with my daughter, I will take my pneumatic stapler and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate; when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject
is “early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup and choosing an appropriate outfit, a process than can take longer than renovating the Parliament buildings. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like cut my grass?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Nursing homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, all-seeing merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you
have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in low over my defensive position in East Timor. When my Dengue Fever starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean my guns and hone my machete as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, and then return to your car --there is no need for you to come inside. Oh, and the camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on August 17, 2010, 10:54:47
I just ran across this

Borat In Amsterdam

http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=5437&id=1 (http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=5437&id=1)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on August 17, 2010, 10:59:21
an oldie, but a goodie....
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on August 23, 2010, 11:31:48
The new obstacle course.......................

http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=5446&id=1 (http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=5446&id=1)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on August 24, 2010, 16:52:25
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.


Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.

"Hi there little girl, I'm President Obama. What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Obama.

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Democrats," answered Suzy with a smile.

Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Republicans."

Taken by surprise, the president stammered, "But... But... Yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open"

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on August 27, 2010, 16:36:26
If you got some time to kill.. try this.  (http://www.youtube.com/user/realannoyingorange)

Tell me what you think after. I got my little guy hook on him.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: fischer10 on August 27, 2010, 21:29:48
If you got some time to kill.. try this.  (http://www.youtube.com/user/realannoyingorange)

Tell me what you think after. I got my little guy hook on him.

Ugh, so annoying.... I watched a couple videos a while back. I much prefer raywilliamjohnson (search on YouTube). He has some funny stuff!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hammer Sandwich on August 27, 2010, 23:27:07
Maybe the fast food places in KAF should have stayed closed to this guy:

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpunditkitchen.files.wordpress.com%2F2010%2F07%2F943abdfa-77e3-477a-b923-2dfa6560062e.jpg&hash=499fb7fdcfb4b39fc30d477bb4e92601)

When I saw that post, I laughed..

But then, I looked at the last “Hammer Sandwich” family portrait.

Shoot, I’ve been 4 shades under, and 4 shades over the overweight of that dude.

He deployed, and I didn’t.
At least he’s contributing.

(Not that this is a shout out for ‘da fatties”, but (I hope) that’s a penis shrinker for nobodys like me.


 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on August 31, 2010, 17:04:20
Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously.
Check out their new livery!   

WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN.


Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg .  Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"


                 ---o0o---

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

                 ----o0o---

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

                 ----o0o---

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

                 ---o0o---

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

                 ---o0o---

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone  voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
                 ---o0o---

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

                 ---o0o---

From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

                 ---o0o---

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

                 ---o0o---

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

                 ----o0o---

"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an  emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

                 ---o0o---

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.    Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."

                 ---o0o---

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

                 ---o0o---

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The  flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

                 ---o0o---

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

                 ---o0o---

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:

"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

                 ---o0o---

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said,

"Did we land, or were we shot down?"

                 ---o0o---

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."

                 ---o0o---

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

                 ---o0o---

Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

                 ---o0o---

A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.  Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.  While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A   passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: recceguy on August 31, 2010, 19:12:33
Why can't the rest of this idoitic world take a page from Kulula airline's play book?

Makes me want to move there and work for them.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on August 31, 2010, 19:22:02
I already heared them years ago with differing Airlines as source. But they always get a smile on my face.  ;)
-------------------------------------------------------

This happens if you forget to close the drivers hatch:  >:D
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg86.imageshack.us%2Fimg86%2F3694%2Fsisi2jf5.jpg&hash=9cc2f3e6ca625696e38606ab52c9c0f6)
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg208.imageshack.us%2Fimg208%2F3467%2Fsisigeparddp8.jpg&hash=1fbfa1824e741055b03899a4f20fa569)

 ;D

Regards,
ironduke57
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on August 31, 2010, 21:53:02
This happens if you forget to close the drivers hatch:  >:D
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg86.imageshack.us%2Fimg86%2F3694%2Fsisi2jf5.jpg&hash=9cc2f3e6ca625696e38606ab52c9c0f6)
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg208.imageshack.us%2Fimg208%2F3467%2Fsisigeparddp8.jpg&hash=1fbfa1824e741055b03899a4f20fa569)

 ;D

Regards,
ironduke57
Oh, you silly Germans and your Flakpanzers!  ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Nerf herder on September 01, 2010, 08:02:26
Notice how his goggle actually came off the mount. That takes me back to a certain, now medic, doing the same thing.

Regards
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: MJP on September 01, 2010, 14:08:31
Notice how his goggle actually came off the mount. That takes me back to a certain, now medic, doing the same thing.

Regards

Murph?
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on September 08, 2010, 16:44:58
Asking Mommy
   

Little Johnny and her mother were out and about. Little Johnny, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older.

Little Johnny then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weight?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this too, as you grow up."

Little Johnny still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The Little Johnny , frustrated, sulks until he is dropped off at a friend's house to play. He consults with his friend about him and her mother's conversation. His friend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the Little Johnny and her mother are out and about again. The Little Johnny starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are, You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The Little Johnny shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weight. You weight 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?", said the mother again.

The Little Johnny says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on September 09, 2010, 11:36:34
OOPS !
This brand spanking new Airbus 340-600, the largest passenger airplane ever built, sits just outside its hangar in Toulouse, France without a single hour of airtime.
  Enter the Arab flight crew of Abu Dhabi Aircraft Technologies (ADAT) to conduct pre-delivery tests on the ground, such as engine run-ups, prior to delivery to Etihad Airways in Abu Dhabi .
  The ADAT crew taxied the A340-600 to the run-up area.
  Then they took all four engines to takeoff power with a virtually empty aircraft. Not having read the run-up manuals, they had no clue just how light an empty A340-600 really  is.
 
         
 The takeoff warning horn was blaring away in the  cockpit because they had All 4 engines at full power. The aircraft computers  thought they were trying to take off, but it had not been configured properly (flaps/slats, etc.)
  Then one of the ADAT crew decided to pull the circuit breaker on the Ground Proximity Sensor to silence the alarm. This fools the aircraft into thinking it is in the air. The computers automatically released all the  brakes and set the aircraft rocketing  forward.
  The ADAT crew had no idea that this is a  safety feature so that pilots can't land with the brakes on.
  Not one member of the seven-man Arab crew was smart enough to throttle back the engines from their max power setting, so the $200 million brand-new aircraft crashed into a blast barrier, totaling it.
 
  The extent of injuries to the crew is unknown due to the news blackout in the major media in France and elsewhere.  Because........
 
 Coverage of the story was deemed insulting to Muslim Arabs.     
Finally, the photos are starting to leak out.  .

 
One French Airbus:   $200 million dollars
 Untrained Arab Flight Crew:  $300,000 Yearly Salary
 Unread Operating Manual:  $300
Aircraft meets retaining wall and the wall wins.
PRICELESS!!!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Sapplicant on September 10, 2010, 12:14:27
The extent of injuries to the crew is unknown due to the news blackout in the major media in France and elsewhere.  Because........


 Coverage of the story was deemed insulting to Muslim Arabs.     
Finally, the photos are starting to leak out.  .

 
One French Airbus:   $200 million dollars
 Untrained Arab Flight Crew:  $300,000 Yearly Salary
 Unread Operating Manual:  $300
Aircraft meets retaining wall and the wall wins.
PRICELESS!!!

Sorry, gotta call partial bullsh!t this one... I got it in an e-mail about 2 years ago. Looked into it, turns out it's somewhat truth, somewhat fabrication (fabrications done by someone with a bit of a racist agenda to get more people on the muslim/arab hate-train)

Snopes did a decent job of explaining the real story. (http://www.snopes.com/photos/airplane/etihad.asp)

The media blackout is an outright lie. (http://www.google.ca/search?hl=en&rlz=1T4ADBF_enCA323CA323&tbs=nws%3A1%2Ccd_min%3A2007%2Ccd_max%3A2007%2Ccdr%3A1&q=airbus+a340-600+toulouse&btnG=Search&aq=f&aqi=&aql=&oq=&gs_rfai=)

If it had been an operational plane with passengers on board, or if some people were killed, guaranteed it would've recieved a lot more coverage than it did. We all know how bloodthirsty the media is....
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on September 10, 2010, 12:24:10
CANADIANS IN HELL

Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell.

The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed
in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The
devil asks them, “What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?”
The two guys reply, “Well, you know, we’re from Canada, the land of
snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a
little bit, eh.”

The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up
the heat.

The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in
parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, “It’s awfully
hot down here, can’t you guys feel it?”

Again the two guys reply, “Well, like we told ya yesterday, we’re
from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a
chance to warm up a little bit, eh.”

This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two
guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are
wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys
from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling
sausage and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished, “Everyone down here is in abject misery, and
you two seem to be enjoying yourselves.”

The two Canadians reply, “Well, ya know, we don’t get too much warm
weather up there in Toronto so we’ve just got to have a cook-out when
the weather’s THIS nice.”

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he
comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have
been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging
everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do
anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth.

The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians.
He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens.
NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like
mad men!!!

The devil is dumbfounded, “I don’t understand, when I turn up the
heat you’re happy. Now it’s freezing cold and you’re still happy.
What is wrong with you two???”

The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, “Well, don’t you
know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup.”
 

 



Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on September 12, 2010, 08:38:00

The Germans are certainly well known for their cutting edge engineering....  click on the link...



                                http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=21816
 



 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 57Chevy on September 12, 2010, 15:57:17
During training exercises, the Lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on September 13, 2010, 10:35:51
9 Things I Hate About Everyone


1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their *** to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn't be new.

8. When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here?
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on September 17, 2010, 09:30:51
Interviewees Say The Darndest Things (http://msn.careerbuilder.ca/Article/MSN-345-Interviewing-Interviewees-Say-The-Darndest-Things/?lr=int_camsn&SiteId=INT_MSN_Articles_CA_EN345&sc_extcmp=INT_MSN_Articles_CA_EN345&cblang=CAEnglish&ocid=Article) <-----Link   :nod:

One example (my favorite so far):

"The most bizarre experience I ever had was regarding a candidate who was offered a position with my client. Because she had disclosed that she had a college degree, she was required to produce proof in the form of transcripts, diploma, etc. She told us that she was unable to produce the required documentation because her identity had been changed and that the information the firm was seeking was in her previous name. Due to safety reasons, she was unable to produce proof (in any name she had or was using)."

 :rofl:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: vorden on September 17, 2010, 18:45:40
west jet safety brief last flight
    "You've already done up your seat belt so we're gonna tell ya how you did it."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 57Chevy on September 18, 2010, 14:34:38
FUNNIEST PICS EVER SHOWN ANYWHERE youtube  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8TJFh_zjOrw&feature=related)
enjoy  ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on September 21, 2010, 20:33:15
Too funny not to share.  A friend's status on Facebook:

Quote
My young grandson called to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 49.
My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

Out of the mouth of babes........    :rofl:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on September 26, 2010, 17:47:47
Any cop will love this.  These videos were taken during the arrest of the suspects without their knowledge.  They are not the usual ones you see of a guy getting Tasered.  The video is part of the Taser itself and it records what happens leading up
to zapping the suspect.   
 
Hard to dispute video evidence.     
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=eaf_1258270221




Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on September 28, 2010, 16:20:55


FINALLY — A great alternative to body scanners at airports . . . The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports. It’s a booth you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you. They see this as a win-win for everyone, with no racial profiling. It also would eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial. Justice would be swift. Case closed! You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement comes over the PA system . . . "Attention standby passengers — we now have a seat available on flight number XXXX. Shalom!"
 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: cdnleaf on October 01, 2010, 09:56:27
Be The Difference:

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F2.bp.blogspot.com%2F_6b3JA4OPh6E%2FTKXZE0x74II%2FAAAAAAAAAD4%2FIBHdDZY32_Y%2Fs1600%2Featbeef1.jpg&hash=2d460215fcaab45d500c470fc63540dc)

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: BYT Driver on October 01, 2010, 15:33:51

FINALLY — A great alternative to body scanners at airports . . . The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports. It’s a booth you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you. They see this as a win-win for everyone, with no racial profiling. It also would eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial. Justice would be swift. Case closed! You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement comes over the PA system . . . "Attention standby passengers — we now have a seat available on flight number XXXX. Shalom!"
I've been to Ben Guirion AP, if you can get to the check in counters with a ka-boom thing on you...you're doing pretty good!!!  I won't say how many levels of security there is...but these guys are very thorough and highly professional.
I do, however, like the political correctness of this devise....there would be no defending yourself using Johnnie Cochrane and getting off on some silly technicaltiy~~~??

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on October 01, 2010, 18:23:27
Feeling Down?  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9upTLWRZTfw)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: SevenSixTwo on October 04, 2010, 12:32:03
Feeling Down?  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9upTLWRZTfw)

I thought it was going to be stupid but I just started powerlaughing when the song came on.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Retired AF Guy on October 04, 2010, 14:33:43

FINALLY — A great alternative to body scanners at airports . . . The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports. It’s a booth you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you. They see this as a win-win for everyone, with no racial profiling. It also would eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial. Justice would be swift. Case closed! You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement comes over the PA system . . . "Attention standby passengers — we now have a seat available on flight number XXXX. Shalom!"

In a related video -  Achmed the Dead Terrorist  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: bdave on October 05, 2010, 00:58:49
Feeling Down?  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9upTLWRZTfw)
;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: bdave on October 05, 2010, 02:20:11
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mi5zd60ites&feature=player_embedded#!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: SARgirl on October 05, 2010, 03:11:20
This gave me a laugh.  They are entertaining.  Enjoy!  :)

Quote
Bunch of grown men singing Lady Gaga live and acapella!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7E_0oOc6Lf8

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on October 05, 2010, 11:00:15
Winnipeggers should have no problems with these………….


Q. - What's the difference between the Winnipeg Blue Bombers and the Taliban?
A. - The Taliban have a running game.

Q. - What do the Winnipeg Blue Bombers and Billy Graham have in common?
A. - They both can make 25,000 people stand up and yell Jesus Christ!

Q. - What's the difference between the Winnipeg Blue Bombers and a dollar bill?
A. - You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. - What do the Winnipeg Blue Bombers and possums have in common?
A. - Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q. - Where do you go in Winnipeg in case of a tornado?
A. - Canad Inns Stadium - they never get a touchdown there.

Q. - Why was Paul LaPolice upset when the Winnipeg Blue Bombers playbook was stolen?
A. - Because he hadn't finished coloring it yet.

Q. - What do you call 40 people sitting around a TV watching the Grey Cup?
A. - The Winnipeg Blue Bombers football team.

Q. - How can you tell when the Winnipeg Blue Bombers are going to run the football?
A. - Fred Reid leaves the huddle with tears in his eyes .
 
   

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: SARgirl on October 08, 2010, 22:41:35
Quote
Introducing Snazzy Napper!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MthSUD8cMqk

When I first saw this, I thought this was one of those joke skits from a comedy skit program, but... ... ...

http://www.snazzynapper.com/

So... just like the commercial asks:

Quote
Where do you snazzy nap?
   
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on October 09, 2010, 09:50:43
Good old Saskatchewan, eh.
 
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Toronto scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Ontarian's, in the weeks that followed, a Vancouver archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the Vancouver Province: "BC archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 30 years earlier than Ontario".

One week later, the Saskatoon Star Phoenix in Saskatoon, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, James Krawchuk, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f--k all. James has therefore concluded that 150 years ago, Saskatchewan had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be from Saskatchewan!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: bdave on October 11, 2010, 00:55:36
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2RrreVthWRY&feature=player_embedded
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Loachman on October 15, 2010, 07:50:08
Liberal GPS: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDWMgi7tzns&NR=1
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hamish Seggie on October 15, 2010, 12:31:31
New Unit!

Ist Toilet Paper Assault Troop

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/101015/world/us_odd_toilet_paper_assault
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 123nil456 on October 19, 2010, 15:52:26
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fchivethebrigade.files.wordpress.com%2F2010%2F10%2Frandom-b-10_19_10-500-11.jpg%3Fw%3D500%26amp%3Bh%3D375&hash=10f811c9be3d997c6d5e6feb23df5e67)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: cdnleaf on October 20, 2010, 13:18:39
KFC DOUBLE DOWN VIDEO/PARODY

]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QpnMIRzvDzI] (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QpnMIRzvDzI)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on October 23, 2010, 14:07:00
Gordon Pinsent reads Bieber (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nhh2288zNVE)

Hilarious!   :nod:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: bdave on October 27, 2010, 08:39:21
Gordon Pinsent reads Bieber (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nhh2288zNVE)

Hilarious!   :nod:
Haha.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: JB 11 11 on October 29, 2010, 06:43:26
A shot from my front terrace in Rome:

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Loachman on October 29, 2010, 12:17:35
How to carve a pumpkin: http://video.ca.msn.com/watch/video/unique-pumpkin-carving-technique/1glrw0s8r
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on October 29, 2010, 14:29:24
Sick Call Excuse Generator (http://www.getodd.com/raz/sickday/sickday.html)

My favorite:  The voices told me to clean all the guns today.   :threat:

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: SARgirl on October 29, 2010, 14:30:13
Meatloaf:
http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/2010/10/well-thats-horrifying.html
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 57Chevy on October 31, 2010, 08:04:10
One for Haloween:   ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hammer Sandwich on October 31, 2010, 11:14:30
Meatloaf:
http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/2010/10/well-thats-horrifying.html

THAT.
WAS.
HORRIFYING.

I've skipped the "heebies", and gone straight to the "jeebies".

BTW, thanks for grossing me out enough, I'm having second thoughts about the pulled pork I've been lovingly crafting and cooking for the past 24 hours.  ;)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: SARgirl on October 31, 2010, 12:00:03
One for Haloween:   ;D
This picture reminds me of the Raggedy Ann cartoon with the sad little pumpkin that no one wanted and so he kept crying pumpkin seed tears until Raggedy Ann and Andy come along to give him a loving home and with the grateful pumpkin on the back of a skate board, they headed out on an adventurous journey home. 

I almost forgot about this program- thank you for the reminder.  I remember my daughter watching this program when she was a tot.

The Pumpkin Who Couldn't Smile
Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbWiLkKwIFo
Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkdEGzLnb38&feature=mfu_in_order&playnext=1&videos=4kK5M2VjHso
Part 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9T1TcPwqnHU&feature=mfu_in_order&playnext=1&videos=mFqwMwVyROc

Pumpkin seed spillage always makes me think of the above program and the above program always makes me think of the below program.

There was another sweet animated program about a blind girl and Raggedy Ann which followed the above:

The Enchanted Square (1947)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09FncdVlk9o&feature=fvw

THAT.
WAS.
HORRIFYING.

I've skipped the "heebies", and gone straight to the "jeebies".

BTW, thanks for grossing me out enough, I'm having second thoughts about the pulled pork I've been lovingly crafting and cooking for the past 24 hours.  ;)
Thank you for the laugh- such a funny reply. 

Pulled pork sounds tasty- enjoy.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: SARgirl on October 31, 2010, 12:32:55
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.myspacegraphicsandanimations.org%2Fimages%2Ffunny-cartoon-dog.jpg&hash=4cc4370bd2e2d0bc19f58440331dc0b7)

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Flh4.ggpht.com%2F_MFslwcqLKIE%2FSsfmDuCKeVI%2FAAAAAAAABVw%2FcTI5nMuk8Qg%2Ffunny-baby-costume.jpg&hash=4a6fad3c59d59dd071c6ebc03bfbbdda)

 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 123nil456 on October 31, 2010, 16:42:46
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPvOrylnDxU&feature=player_embedded#!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Retired AF Guy on November 01, 2010, 21:55:33
The wrong thing to say:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 123nil456 on November 04, 2010, 20:40:49
If you have around 11min to kill or dont care about losing, this is a somewhat errr....lets say entertaining video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7M5Bf6TtW8w&feature=player_embedded#!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Journeyman on November 05, 2010, 02:35:28
Office renovation note to self:

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmthruf.files.wordpress.com%2F2010%2F09%2F2ae0b901-6020-4d9b-b79b-74af5ac2314b.jpg&hash=6ff2db51c1afef44aeb84d0994d69c7d)




.......but that's only if the boss doesn't approve this mod:(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.cheezburger.com%2Fcompletestore%2F2010%2F9%2F1%2Fc0222059-c9bd-4f25-bade-142de7c79fd1.jpg&hash=9b94baf91ad63627a49ad49f36ea72c9)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: JB 11 11 on November 05, 2010, 06:09:59
^^ THAT is the stealthiest beer fridge I have ever seen.... Wikkid! :salute:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on November 05, 2010, 17:30:00
Truths for Mature Humans

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
 
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
 
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
 
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.   

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any  changes to. 

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
 
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.  That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.     (Ladies.....quit laughing.)

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: SARgirl on November 07, 2010, 23:15:11
Quote
Funny Military Dances
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUwBYEcZASQ
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on November 15, 2010, 09:45:10
40 years of marriage

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.  The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.  I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.   >:D

;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on November 18, 2010, 08:59:32
Wisdom From Avaition/Military Manuals

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ... The pilot dies."

"Never trade luck for skill."

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...! "

"Friendly fire - isn't"

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on November 26, 2010, 08:43:24
Response to all those stupid "please forward this for whatever" emails:

To all my friends and relatives who have sent me "best wishes", chain letters, "angel" letters or other promises of good luck,

NONE OF THAT crap WORKED!!

Could you please just send cash, vodka, chocolate, Italian food, wine or plane tickets instead?

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on November 26, 2010, 12:04:19
Why Teachers drink.....
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: cdnleaf on November 27, 2010, 14:04:12
Snapped this photo with my IPhone of a rather unique bottle opener  :nod:
 (edited with photoscape, linked from my blog.)  Enjoy...

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F4.bp.blogspot.com%2F_6b3JA4OPh6E%2FTO8cqikLdOI%2FAAAAAAAAAGw%2FSy1AC7gYncc%2Fs1600%2FIMG_1231.jpg&hash=b0e9862bbf5a10b5f4f976c11ce81539)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: SARgirl on November 27, 2010, 23:55:07
Quote
Good Statoil commercial
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBfHofVAy0c&playnext=1&list=PLBB48AB659AA63D6C&index=51
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: George Wallace on November 28, 2010, 13:59:02
Worse drivers caught on tape (http://www.jokeroo.com/videos/funny/bad-female-driver-compilation.html)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on November 28, 2010, 14:06:42
Worse drivers caught on tape (http://www.jokeroo.com/videos/funny/bad-female-driver-compilation.html)

Quote
A hilarious compilation of some terrible drivers. They all just happen to be females!

Really?  Interesting since almost half of them weren't visible.   ::)

Funny, though.   :nod:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Loachman on November 29, 2010, 10:17:36
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mNjTO0agJ0&feature=BF&list=PLBB48AB659AA63D6C&index=56
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: NSDreamer on November 29, 2010, 11:10:06
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUwBYEcZASQ

 Made my stressful day, reminded me of my not so long ago introduction to army life where upon my section actually performing proper drill the Sgt proceeded to do the robot broken down into squads...ON the parade square.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on November 29, 2010, 11:52:33
 LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk?   Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman.  "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said.  "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first.  A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps..  Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know s#*t?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: DanKnee on November 29, 2010, 16:07:38
Maybe the fast food places in KAF should have stayed closed to this guy:

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg543.imageshack.us%2Fimg543%2F8828%2Farmystrong.th.jpg&hash=0e5a916cfff92ccb0f92a9d8bad99a1a) (http://img543.imageshack.us/i/armystrong.jpg/)

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on November 29, 2010, 16:15:06
This is an "actual letter" from an Austin, Texas woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding one of their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. This was PC Magazine's 2009 Editors' Choice award-winner for the best letter sent via e-mail.


Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now.  As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'

Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.? Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'


Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?  FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'.

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always. . ...

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: FlyingDutchman on November 29, 2010, 16:54:39
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fv652%2FConvoy_X%2FDSCF7576.jpg&hash=2055685e4e3ceaeee0426ad6eda3c672)

I find this very amusing.  Does anyone know where I can get one?  Although I would prefer CADPAT.

EDIT: Bad grammar.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on November 29, 2010, 17:01:18
This is an "actual letter" from an Austin, Texas woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding one of their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. This was PC Magazine's 2009 Editors' Choice award-winner for the best letter sent via e-mail.

A mixture of true and false info:  http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/always.asp (http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/always.asp)

But funny anyway.   :nod:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on November 29, 2010, 17:25:33
Most of them don't pass the snopes test, but they're funny anyway.... :nod:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on November 29, 2010, 19:08:51
Banned Commercials - Beer Makes Women Beautiful

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JtS2PGXPUTs&list=PLBB48AB659AA63D6C&index=6&playnext=4 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JtS2PGXPUTs&list=PLBB48AB659AA63D6C&index=6&playnext=4)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Loachman on November 30, 2010, 02:29:31
I find this very amusing.  Does anyone know where I can get one?  Although I would prefer CADPAT.

CP Gear used to make them, and may still. I have a CADPAT AR one.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: FlyingDutchman on November 30, 2010, 04:38:49
CP Gear used to make them, and may still. I have a CADPAT AR one.
Ah, they do.  Thank you for steering me in that direction.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Loachman on December 01, 2010, 01:12:04
It was a good reminder to find mine.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: SARgirl on December 02, 2010, 19:40:19
All the talk of a blonde on, The Manly Thread, reminded me of this video:
 
Blowing a Paint Job:
http://www.youtube.com/user/atomicwedgietv#p/search/3/7JhaDMQH2mQ

 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: SARgirl on December 02, 2010, 19:45:37
Made my stressful day, reminded me of my not so long ago introduction to army life where upon my section actually performing proper drill the Sgt proceeded to do the robot broken down into squads...ON the parade square.
You're welcome, glad the video brightened your day. : )  ... I'm picturing a the robot moves on the parade square... that could be entertaining.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hamish Seggie on December 02, 2010, 20:21:22
All the talk of a blonde on, The Manly Thread, reminded me of this video:
 
Blowing a Paint Job:
http://www.youtube.com/user/atomicwedgietv#p/search/3/7JhaDMQH2mQ

That's a good one! It's a Ferrari!!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on December 03, 2010, 11:41:16
It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 2010newbie on December 07, 2010, 22:37:50
from:http://wins.failblog.org/2010/12/07/epic-win-photos-messing-with-cash4gold-win/

Quote

Dear Mr. Haberny,

After sending back your zip lock bag of bag of gold painted rocks that you considered “14 karat gold nuggets found on a soul searching pilgrimage in Tibet with a quadriplegic hooker you picked up in Singapore,” we find it truly unfortunate that you can not understand the concept of “Do Not Contact Us Again.”

Your fraudulent attempt to extort money from our seasoned geologists (who are experts in identifying precious metals) has forced us to take extreme action; this is your final warning before we contact the authorities. Your “rocks” have shown up in our inventory three times now. We will not longer attempt to return them, but will keep them as evidence. You are not entitled to any money, especially the ludicrous amount of $1,423,061.92 you demand for your Cash 4 Gold payment. Your petition for an “ungreased backdoor; Hammertime lovemaking session” with our telemarketer’s Carol and Tracy is feral and preposterous. Your absurd request to be reimbursed for postage ($167.45, 138.33 & $142.73) is unwarranted and completely illicit. As a reminder Mr. Haberny, Ed McMahon passed away June 23, 2009. It is not only disrespectful but also utterly moronic to request that he host your birthday party at McDonalds.

This is the last time that we will be in contact with you.

Sincerely,

Jeff Aronson

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Loachman on December 08, 2010, 02:27:29
http://bonehead.lerman.biz/php/NeedsStupidityProtection.php
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Journeyman on December 08, 2010, 02:39:17
http://bonehead.lerman.biz/php/NeedsStupidityProtection.php
If only because it's a blue and white Atco-type building behind Hesco bastions......it brings me joy to think that the UN is somehow invovled in this.   ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on December 08, 2010, 07:44:21
An interesting label....
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: SARgirl on December 08, 2010, 14:55:10
An interesting label....

Great label.  I like it.   :nod:

-----

Here are a couple of others:
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_WGczmWu7Wwc/RYmtqRejOFI/AAAAAAAAABo/YpTSXjRvB1E/s1600-h/Picture+1.png

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_XdP6Lp2ceqY/TG_Uaa-88qI/AAAAAAAAZoU/0G3O9HaEb6c/s1600/tv%C3%A4tt+r%C3%A5d.jpg

And though not a label, interesting:
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_e_nEuFs74tI/SeAeaFG7UpI/AAAAAAAADlg/C30wa8gvmkg/s800/emergency+tee+shirt+apparel+clothing+funny+green+joke+accident.jpg

One more label:
http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/epic-fail-clothing-care-fail.jpg
I think the last four lines say:

"For not such good results -
Drag behind car
through puddles and
blow dry on roof rack"
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: SARgirl on December 08, 2010, 14:57:43
That's a good one! It's a Ferrari!!
So glad you enjoyed the video.  I thought it was quite funny. : )
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: NFLD Sapper on December 08, 2010, 17:43:20
Peter MacKay watching you drink your Timmies?

 ;D

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on December 09, 2010, 18:15:40
Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?


So they can watch the battle too.



 :rofl:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on December 09, 2010, 18:34:11
FOR SALE: FRENCH MAS 36 RIFLE
NEVER FIRE, DROP ONCE. $20 OBO







 :rofl:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on December 10, 2010, 14:05:20
NKs newest Secretweapon! (http://"http://www.eblogx.com/Videos--Unterwegs-mit-dem-Panzer-17767.html")
 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Tommy on December 11, 2010, 03:28:58
Peter MacKay watching you drink your Timmies?

 ;D


Better then the Christmas Card he sent out last year with the troop from Yellowknife pounding back a bottle of Alexander Keith's in the background!


Now THAT was funny! ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on December 13, 2010, 09:25:07
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg97.imageshack.us%2Fimg97%2F915%2Feuropenazgul2.jpg&hash=4f1c0772b640d7a27e16a829da373751)
 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Retired AF Guy on December 19, 2010, 10:21:07
 The Assassination of Yogi Bear by that Coward BooBoo.  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6w0r-ScEG4)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hamish Seggie on December 20, 2010, 16:44:25
The Assassination of Yogi Bear by that Coward BooBoo.  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6w0r-ScEG4)
I always thought BooBoo was a little off.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: NFLD Sapper on December 20, 2010, 17:23:35
Got this on a christmas card from my neighbour...........

Proof that even Santa gets "blocked in" from those pesky plows......

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hammer Sandwich on December 20, 2010, 21:16:28
The Assassination of Yogi Bear by that Coward BooBoo.  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6w0r-ScEG4)

Aaaaaaaaaand, with one shot, there goes my childhood....  :o

Truly disturbing, but well scored.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on December 21, 2010, 13:28:44
These cartoons from Cyanide & Happiness always crack me up.

Enjoy..


(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.flashasylum.com%2Fdb%2Ffiles%2FComics%2Fkbeer0001.jpg&hash=3318a01029d96fad908204a588a5fb08) (http://"http://www.explosm.net/comics/52/")
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net (http://"http://www.explosm.net/")
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on December 21, 2010, 13:36:19

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.flashasylum.com%2Fdb%2Ffiles%2FComics%2Frcookie.jpg&hash=fc4f01b17279feb4969b62f8eecdf448) (http://"http://www.explosm.net/comics/59/")
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net (http://"http://www.explosm.net/")
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on December 21, 2010, 13:45:31

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.flashasylum.com%2Fdb%2Ffiles%2FComics%2Fkdrugs0001.jpg&hash=67e5ff8885bc2f1439bf74454098c554) (http://"http://www.explosm.net/comics/88/")
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net (http://"http://www.explosm.net/")
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on December 21, 2010, 14:15:38

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.flashasylum.com%2Fdb%2Ffiles%2FComics%2Fhomeless0001.jpg&hash=80dfcbdda0b427de0925fe422b626410) (http://"http://www.explosm.net/comics/123/")
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net (http://"http://www.explosm.net/")


(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.flashasylum.com%2Fdb%2Ffiles%2FComics%2Fzrzk.gif&hash=591e296796af98784d526a75ecf5b9a2) (http://"http://www.explosm.net/comics/134/")
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net (http://"http://www.explosm.net/")


(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.flashasylum.com%2Fdb%2Ffiles%2FComics%2Ftreasure0001.jpg&hash=ebeccfe04051d58570e36176b48c8ed4) (http://"http://www.explosm.net/comics/151/")
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net (http://"http://www.explosm.net/")


(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.flashasylum.com%2Fdb%2Ffiles%2FComics%2Frbaddate.jpg&hash=3f2b936aeaf310cd05ef1f946e0bfd9a) (http://"http://www.explosm.net/comics/143/")
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net (http://"http://www.explosm.net/")


(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.flashasylum.com%2Fdb%2Ffiles%2FComics%2Fbunny.gif&hash=b4a344f82a42b947d420e30fa9fe12f8) (http://"http://www.explosm.net/comics/162/")
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net (http://"http://www.explosm.net/")


(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.flashasylum.com%2Fdb%2Ffiles%2FComics%2Fknockknock-cargo.gif&hash=6016f9b8c935bd78f351b759f763c2c4) (http://"http://www.explosm.net/comics/176/")
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net (http://"http://www.explosm.net/")
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on December 21, 2010, 14:46:33

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.flashasylum.com%2Fdb%2Ffiles%2FComics%2Fcomicair.jpg&hash=93b10b4a42269229287b16e1f5ce6cf3) (http://"http://www.explosm.net/comics/242/")
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net (http://"http://www.explosm.net/")
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on December 21, 2010, 17:31:26

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.flashasylum.com%2Fdb%2Ffiles%2FComics%2FRob%2Ffire.jpg&hash=99a36a16f6ef3f5ce06281ce83cd578f) (http://"http://www.explosm.net/comics/445/")
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net (http://"http://www.explosm.net/")
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Sapplicant on December 21, 2010, 17:54:39
These cartoons from Cyanide & Happiness always crack me up.


Now on youtube! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NTZ1znQAO8o)  :D

Click on the channel for more. Personally, my favourite is the "Noodles" one...


(not for the easily offended)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: HavokFour on December 22, 2010, 20:42:55
Brace yourself.

http://twitter.com/Kentofthenorth/status/17637196508962818
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Sapplicant on December 22, 2010, 20:50:23
Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?


So they can watch the battle too.



 :rofl:


How many gears in a French tank?

5.

4 in reverse, and 1 forward, in case they're attacked from the rear.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rafterman1 on December 23, 2010, 03:29:59
 :)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: cdnleaf on December 23, 2010, 11:08:32
December 23rd - HAPPY FESTIVUS 

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Fthumb%2Fb%2Fb2%2FFrank_Costanza.jpg%2F270px-Frank_Costanza.jpg&hash=d7130497bc685dc476136a628c9557b1)

CNN ARTICLE/VIDEO:  http://edition.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/12/23/festivus.holiday/index.html (http://edition.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/12/23/festivus.holiday/index.html)
WIKIPEDIA BACKGROUND:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Festivus (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Festivus)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Journeyman on December 23, 2010, 16:25:58
Dear Children,

Santa is Mom and Dad.

Love,

Your friends at Wikileaks

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: cdnleaf on December 23, 2010, 18:23:24
Dear Children,

Santa is Mom and Dad.

Love,

Your friends at Wikileaks

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.realbollywood.com%2Fnews%2Fup_images%2F11118352.jpg&hash=2d9a067892f5e72763203097aaf81970)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Tommy on December 24, 2010, 02:02:40
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.realbollywood.com%2Fnews%2Fup_images%2F11118352.jpg&hash=2d9a067892f5e72763203097aaf81970)

Ha Ha!

Appropriate Response!  ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rafterman1 on December 24, 2010, 11:30:17
Merry Christmas Children.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Journeyman on December 24, 2010, 11:53:45
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.realbollywood.com%2Fnews%2Fup_images%2F11118352.jpg&hash=2d9a067892f5e72763203097aaf81970)
Sure, when the leaks hit closer to home Assange isn't such a hero, is he?   ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on December 25, 2010, 11:06:37
‘Twas The Night Before Christmas – The Legal Version
By: Mike McIntyre 23/12/2010
 Article Link (http://www.winnipegfreepress.com/opinion/blogs/mcintyre/Twas-The-Night-Before-Christmas--The-Legal-Version-112393464.html)

We all know lawyers often have their own language – and you wouldn’t be alone in wondering if they sometimes get paid by the word. To that end, I present to you one of my favourite finds, a remake of the classic "Twas The Night Before Christmas" poem as if it were written by a lawyer. The author of the piece – which is readily available online – is not known. But full credit to whoever sat down and came up with it!

Enjoy – And have a safe and happy holiday!

 

"Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

 

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.

 

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House, were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

 

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

 

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

 

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the "Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

 

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder and Blitzen (hereinafter the "Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named Rudolph may have been involved.)

 

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

 

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

 

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.) Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

 

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect."
end - Merry Christmas
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Oh No a Canadian on December 28, 2010, 03:11:44
I haven't lasted 30 seconds without breaking out in laughter.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IV0F1q9BKME
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on December 29, 2010, 10:54:06
British Suicide Bombers on Strike!

Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda Central announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25%, from 72 to only 54, effective immediately. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and the subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife, coupled with other factors contributing to a decline in the virgin supply. The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Mustapha Fook told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in our teeth."

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace and a difficult economy. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife, which is not helped by the downturn in the economy which is driving virgins to cash in their chastity. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting compensation, but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle, Middlesborough, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in our areas anyway."

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has also been attributed to the emergence and popularity of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are less keen on rushing to paradise.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on December 29, 2010, 10:56:04
MSN speak for older folk:

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL-CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing - And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Sapplicant on January 02, 2011, 04:50:00
Quote
"Freedom of speech means the government won't prevent you from saying most things. It doesn't mean that other people can't, or shouldn't, call you out on it when you're being a goddamn idiot."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on January 02, 2011, 09:36:14
Dumb Woman Locked in Car

http://en.video.canoe.tv/video/comedy/comedy/1906868833/dumb-woman-locked-in-car/18130701001 (http://en.video.canoe.tv/video/comedy/comedy/1906868833/dumb-woman-locked-in-car/18130701001)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Searyn on January 02, 2011, 14:49:58
I thought the locker commercial was funny. I laugh every time I see this one on TV.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jj1JERVfYB4&feature=player_embedded
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on January 06, 2011, 10:59:37
In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school
friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 123nil456 on January 07, 2011, 02:52:08
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FcUoW0.jpg&hash=89aba13f92a6218474cb595ff4b30d1c)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Oh No a Canadian on January 07, 2011, 03:07:18
I swear thats Michael Scott Steve Carell in the clown suit.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: IBM on January 07, 2011, 13:09:24
Ah Timmy's, less well-known outside Canada than hockey or the Mounties, but still Canadian.  :cdn:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: IBM on January 07, 2011, 13:21:18
The stairs seem a whole lot more appealing now, eh?
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 123nil456 on January 07, 2011, 14:45:22
Quote
Ah yes, the great Canadian tradition of portaging between waterways. Little known fact: the reason Canada scrapped the HMCS Bonaventure wasn't because it was too much boat for us to afford, it was because it was too much work to carry it upside down on the crew's heads between the Atlantic and Pacific oceans.
A Mari usque ad Mare!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: IBM on January 07, 2011, 20:33:01
Read this somewhere today but don't have the link handy.

Quote
Dear kids:

Santa Claus is Mom and Dad.

WikiLeaks
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on January 07, 2011, 20:45:57
Read this somewhere today but don't have the link handy.

Let me help you:

Dear Children,

Santa is Mom and Dad.

Love,

Your friends at Wikileaks
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Sapplicant on January 10, 2011, 00:29:00
One of those e-mails we all get from time to time:

Quote
A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.
 
One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.'

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.
 
Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting.'
 
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor and cold-cocked him, knocking him off the platform.
 
The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.
 
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?'

The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today looking out for our brothers and sisters who are protecting your right to say stupid shyte and act like an a-hole."

"So, He sent me instead. He also wanted me to tell you that despite all this, he still loves you, and hopes you smarten up soon. You're welcome."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Lakatos on January 10, 2011, 01:14:19
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI) Funny British clip about a Blackberry, an Apple, and an Eggsbox
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: IBM on January 11, 2011, 21:26:57
Warning to thieves:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: George Wallace on January 13, 2011, 17:03:37
My Blackberry is not working (http://www.flixxy.com/my-blackberry-is-not-working.htm)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on January 14, 2011, 20:13:41
Ah Timmy's, less well-known outside Canada than hockey or the Mounties, but still Canadian.  :cdn:

Guess where I'm at....     ;D


Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 123nil456 on January 17, 2011, 03:26:01
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F9c5sw.jpg&hash=b395b8c14816a9e9591f5a9912172cee)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: HavokFour on January 19, 2011, 16:25:22
Warning, may offend pansies.

Ranger School Promo (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lzbr6fPDmkE&feature=related)
Ranger School Promo 2 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfdY0NMDqYQ&NR=1)
Ranger School Promo 3 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qC301ZbdEyk&feature=related)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: nuclearzombies on January 19, 2011, 20:54:01
Sweet! no need for those pesky UN inspectors! google maps will locate WMD's:

http://virtuelvis.com/archives/2005/02/google-maps-finds-weapons-of-mass-destruction
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on January 20, 2011, 10:28:26
Another funny
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: nuclearzombies on January 20, 2011, 13:00:42
BEST MONTY PYTHON EVER - the mosquito hunting skit.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKlkD-D20OI (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKlkD-D20OI)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: the 48th regulator on January 21, 2011, 18:00:44
Bwahahaha!!!! It reminds about a time in the military, I was sent to help the cooks (Yes, they still sent us troublemakers, that got caught, to the kitchen for punishment even in the 90's) and the whole kitchen staff were Newfies.

It got worst for me, when they found out I was from Ontario...

Sacred heart of Jesus...



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=drVqGhjI558
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Sapplicant on January 24, 2011, 00:47:53
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fasset.soup.io%2Fasset%2F0518%2F8583_52e1.jpeg&hash=ded8cd50d09685803861e482685c506d)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 123nil456 on January 26, 2011, 13:43:41
Quote
Grand piano on sandbar mystifies Miami
Miami has seen its share of piano bars, but none quite like this — a grand piano has inexplicably appeared on a sandbar in Biscayne Bay.

http://www.cbc.ca/world/story/2011/01/26/grand-piano-miami-sandbar.html
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: HavokFour on January 26, 2011, 22:48:24
Sigmund Freud, anyone?

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi52.tinypic.com%2F15x79xi.jpg&hash=74e41da14fac84d6562f6c09edc0937e)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Sapplicant on January 27, 2011, 16:59:06
So three blonds are walking through the woods, and they come upon some tracks.

The first blond stops and says "Look, deer tracks!"

The second one responds "No, those are elk tracks."

The third blond has spent some time in the woods before, so she speaks up "You are both wrong, those are obviously moose tracks"


They argue for about 10 minutes, and they get hit by a train.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on January 27, 2011, 17:03:27
The Canadian Government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.

Anyone travelling in winter should make sure they have the following:
   

    Shovel
    Blankets or sleeping bag
    Extra clothing including hat and gloves
    24 hours worth of food
    De-Icer
    Rock Salt
    Flashlight with spare batteries
    Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
    Empty gas Can
    First Aid Kit
    Booster cables

     

I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hamish Seggie on January 27, 2011, 17:06:05
A fella in Saskatchewan was out hunting a came across a lovely young lady, half dressed with a gleam in her eye.

"Are you game?" he asks?

"You bet!!" she exclaims...


so.... he shot her....
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Sigger on January 28, 2011, 09:54:43
Jim Seggie ladies and gentlemen!  ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hamish Seggie on January 28, 2011, 13:42:27
A woman from Saskatchewan turned 100 and the local TV station did  a segment on her.

The interviewer asked the lady what the secret of long life was....the centenarian told him that a shot of rye whiskey and day and a good diet was key.

The interviewer asked "Have you ever been bedridden?"

The old woman replied "Oh hundreds of times my dear....and twice in the neighbour's combine!!" ;)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on January 29, 2011, 08:38:56
Some good advice :

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: nuclearzombies on January 29, 2011, 10:57:39
Rick Mercer on attack ads: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5CAyoHa17HE
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 123nil456 on January 30, 2011, 07:07:25
Umm....wait...WTF?  ???

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9W6Jl3beOlY
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 57Chevy on January 30, 2011, 11:10:49

End Of The World Flash Animation (http://www.endofworld.net/)





press start.....
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Journeyman on January 30, 2011, 11:23:59
For the recruiting threads:

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Flib.store.yahoo.net%2Flib%2Fdemotivators%2Fwhiningdemotivationalposter.jpg&hash=dd0a80300a659a48ca3eef148ae7fe84)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on January 30, 2011, 11:50:40
For the recruiting threads:

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Flib.store.yahoo.net%2Flib%2Fdemotivators%2Fwhiningdemotivationalposter.jpg&hash=dd0a80300a659a48ca3eef148ae7fe84)

This is a keeper.  Thank you!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Kat Stevens on January 30, 2011, 12:22:01
Or a Premiership rugby club, or an NHL team, or an NFL team, or....
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on February 02, 2011, 12:18:49
 EXERCISE 

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side.

With a 5-lb   potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out
from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you
can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight
for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
.

 

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on February 03, 2011, 14:32:33
Volkswagen Commercial: The Force

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R55e-uHQna0
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 57Chevy on February 03, 2011, 22:31:54


Underwater Demolitions Expert (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=10Aje1uIPxo&feature=related)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on February 14, 2011, 10:55:42
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg262.imageshack.us%2Fimg262%2F4295%2Fitwilltakesometimeboobs.jpg&hash=334a93bef152f2cd8296a0cd429e379b) (http://img262.imageshack.us/i/itwilltakesometimeboobs.jpg/)

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg193.imageshack.us%2Fimg193%2F23%2Fatheismchristianitygodd.jpg&hash=27ce9e77dda07c0661793d6ccd850ef9) (http://img193.imageshack.us/i/atheismchristianitygodd.jpg/)

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg813.imageshack.us%2Fimg813%2F7828%2Fourmodsculosdemotivatio.jpg&hash=dcafd856e18849c36e9f01dadf8abdb6) (http://img813.imageshack.us/i/ourmodsculosdemotivatio.jpg/)
 >:D ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rheostatic on February 15, 2011, 10:33:31
From Kate Beaton's Hark! A Vagrant (http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=206)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Occam on February 15, 2011, 22:35:39
For those who are following the Rogers/Bell/CRTC usage based billing (UBB) fiasco...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-Mg6pq33Zc
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: RemembranceDay on February 15, 2011, 23:43:32
Bwahahaha!!!! It reminds about a time in the military, I was sent to help the cooks (Yes, they still sent us troublemakers, that got caught, to the kitchen for punishment even in the 90's) and the whole kitchen staff were Newfies.

It got worst for me, when they found out I was from Ontario...

Sacred heart of Jesus...



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=drVqGhjI558



HEHEHE! I'm a newfie, an' by gorge, if someone got sent to a kitchen full a' newfies an' it was taters night....
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: cdnleaf on February 21, 2011, 13:57:39
So, I'm otherwise enjoying a quiet family day / subscribed to Milnet finally and was doing some puttering about outside.  Not sure if this is an Ottawa Valley phenomenon, but the surest way to get people looking/gawking at your house is to leave a garage door open.  Noticed this trend last fall - kind of unusual, people will literally do an Owl neck twist to get a look.  It's a damn garage?! nothing unusual, modest house.  Anyone else noticed this?  (the below pic is not of mine / though would be sure to look)

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cliffdigital.com%2Fblog%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2010%2F06%2Fgaragefiretruck.jpg&hash=c8a5a288ceb022e46418ffa63e069525)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on February 22, 2011, 13:53:57
Double meaning !  :)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Pat in Halifax on February 22, 2011, 14:41:36
Kinda long but funny!

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike.  He doesn't have much  luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. 
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.  It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. 
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
 'Well, it's  quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever  the bike is  outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.  It protects it  from the  rain.'
 And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
 
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.  Naturally, they take the bike  there.
But just  before they enter the  house, Sandra  stops him and says, 'I have to tell you  something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the  dishes.'
'No problem,'  he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living  room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on  the stairs, in the  corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty  dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of  the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a  word.  So he stands  up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her  on  the table, and  screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His  girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is  obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom..
'She's got a great body,' he thinks.
So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming.
But  still, Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it  starts  to rain.
Joe remembers  his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...
Suddenly the father shouted....

'I'll do the f***ing dishes!
 

 

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: mariomike on February 22, 2011, 16:58:16
(the below pic is not of mine / though would be sure to look)

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cliffdigital.com%2Fblog%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2010%2F06%2Fgaragefiretruck.jpg&hash=c8a5a288ceb022e46418ffa63e069525)

Reminded me of an Aerial truck that was just a little too high for TFS Station 433. It doesn't look too bad, but the building had to be abandoned until repaired. The repair work can be seen in the second photo. 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on February 22, 2011, 17:16:22
Steve McQueen’s ‘Bullitt’ Chase, Rendered for the Very Small Screen


http://wheels.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/02/22/steve-mcqueens-bullitt-chase-rendered-for-the-very-small-screen/?nl=automobiles&emc=wheelsema2
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: JMesh on February 24, 2011, 16:52:14
"Billy Mays didn't die. He just convinced people he died.

He's that good a salesman."

A comment on http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpJGZ9RHAvU&NR=1
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rheostatic on March 03, 2011, 18:33:17
A day at the beach: A Frenchman picks the wrong day to visit Normandy beach. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EuOCtwYkE3Q&feature=player_embedded)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hammer Sandwich on March 03, 2011, 22:22:54
A day at the beach: A Frenchman picks the wrong day to visit Normandy beach. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EuOCtwYkE3Q&feature=player_embedded)

 :rofl:I Love when he gingerly grabs his cheese from under the rifleman!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on March 05, 2011, 19:20:29
Gas Prices.

Prices go up 10 cents a liter in Canada, and 10 cents a US gallon in the US.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on March 06, 2011, 09:14:47
Likely he will put in motion that his image is on Mt Rushmore, although an interim statue will work.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on March 07, 2011, 08:17:32
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.abload.de%2Fimg%2Ffenshzpxe.jpg&hash=262e9c4239024d18c67d8a6038628fa7)

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: NinerSix on March 07, 2011, 08:55:41
This just blew my mind.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: nuclearzombies on March 09, 2011, 00:39:10
Well, I got hammered this weekend. :blotto: Really hammered :blotto:. I even fell asleep on my watch, which is kinda dangerous because my magazine fed, lever action nerf gun doesn't have a safety!
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi481.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Frr173%2Fnox_invictus_profundum%2Fphoto.jpg&hash=359d6db5242b379016ca3bea7f4c6c47)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on March 09, 2011, 06:52:25
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffc06.deviantart.net%2Ffs45%2Fi%2F2009%2F083%2Fb%2Fd%2FChairborne_Patch_by_Raza5.jpg&hash=7e4624ae70cc76a5fccf218085f1b156)

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on March 09, 2011, 16:43:45
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg242.imageshack.us%2Fimg242%2F8526%2Fthe20axisqd9.jpg&hash=0a129ac19124f9068a7214a52c95f8e2)

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpenny-arcade.com%2Fimages%2F2005%2F20051024h.jpg&hash=74eb73128506b415bbf27a943672d248)

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg512.imageshack.us%2Fimg512%2F1136%2Ffailownednewspaperinfidox1.jpg&hash=5da2e83941c4795f728c8389ad43c1dc)

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsinfest.net%2Fcomikaze%2Fcomics%2F2008-12-11.gif&hash=314045c3c58d8f16f4687e9019d635f5)

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mightywombat.com%2Ftoons%2Fnumbers.gif&hash=7e6e61177511f8f4458ddbe3433d52b4)

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.userfriendly.org%2Fcartoons%2Farchives%2F01oct%2Fuf003580.gif&hash=814ab2729dce71427da64d7f3e339626)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 123nil456 on March 09, 2011, 17:20:45
Three of the people from my BMOQ last summer got their course dates this week for BMOQ(L)..........They are all pilots.....
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: HavokFour on March 10, 2011, 12:16:03
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi51.tinypic.com%2F991apl.jpg&hash=61e6c569afca22792fbe994683811ae7)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on March 14, 2011, 10:51:03
This is a yarn:

YARD SIGN
From a guy in Texas :

My neighbor is a "lefty" of sorts (Obama bumper stickers, gung-ho socialized medicine, "guns should be banned", etc.).  So this past spring I put this sign up in my yard after one of his anti-gun rants at a neighborhood cocktail party.   
   
The sign wasn't up more than an hour before he called the police and wanted them to make me take down the sign. Fortunately, the officer politely informed him that it was not their job to take such action without a court order and that he had to file a complaint "downtown" first, which would be reviewed by the city attorney to see if it violated any city, county, or state ordinances, which if there was a violation a court order would be sent to the offendin g party (me) to "remove the sign in seven days."
   
After several weeks he was informed that the sign was legal (by a quarter of an inch) and there was nothing the city could do, which obviously made him madder.   
   
I tried  to smooth things over by inviting him to go shooting with me and my friends at the hunt club but that seemed to make him even more angry.  I am at a loss how to reconcile our long relationship (notice I did not say friendship), any suggestions would be welcome.

 
 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on March 15, 2011, 11:12:20
Breaking News:

CBC reports: 

Beginning in April 1, 2011 all Canadian gas stations will start showing PORN movies on the screens of the pumps so that you can watch someone else getting screwed at the same time that you are!!


Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on March 15, 2011, 15:56:42
Get Fuzzy cartoon strip 15 Mar 2011
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on March 15, 2011, 21:18:50
The President's Speech


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SnxNnJYziMY   ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on March 18, 2011, 10:17:26
       How to sell toothbrushes

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher. Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher…

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2, 467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!"

Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the government's strategy of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get that taste out of your mouth.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 57Chevy on March 18, 2011, 19:49:12
Stupid Stunts 1 - Towing a Car Stuck in Snow
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKP-5iodgYY
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on March 23, 2011, 10:54:48
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it was true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said, “Shore is, little lady.  Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?”

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
   
Blushing, he said, “Well, thank ya, ma'am.  Ah'm real pleased. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.”

The woman replied, “Don't be flattered.  Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: S.M.A. on March 26, 2011, 16:04:48
 ;D

link (http://ca.news.yahoo.com/blogs/dailybrew/sarasota-herald-tribune-now-hottest-place-land-journalism-20110324-084142-486.html)

Quote
Sarasota Herald-Tribune now hottest place to land a journalism job

By Joe Pompeo | US News - The Cutline – Thu, 24 Mar, 2011 11:41 AM EDT

Journalism is a hirer's market these days, allowing the editors of high-profile magazines and websites to readily poach workers away from equally high-profile competitors. But it turns out that the buzziest media job now is at a 95,000-circulation daily newspaper in central Florida.

The Sarasota Herald-Tribune's listing for a investigative reporter, first posted on March 14, didn't stir a lot of initial interest. But the help-wanted ad got a second wind Wednesday as bloggers circulated it around the web. Mother Jones, for one, dubbed it, "The best journalism job want ad ever ever," suggesting in a Tumblr post that "You should, like, strongly consider applying to work for this guy."

What's all the fuss? Well, here's a snippet of the job description: "Our ideal candidate has also cursed out an editor, had spokespeople hang up on them in anger and threatened to resign at least once because some fool wanted to screw around with their perfect lede."

Tell us more!

The hiring editor, Matthew Doig, then goes on to explain the job's requirements in greater detail:

If you're the type of sicko who likes holing up in a tiny, closed office with reporters of questionable hygiene to build databases from scratch by hand-entering thousands of pages of documents to take on powerful people and institutions that wish you were dead, all for the glorious reward of having readers pick up the paper and glance at your potential prize-winning epic as they flip their way to the Jumble… well, if that sounds like journalism Heaven, then you're our kind of sicko.

Doig's listing may be the toast of the Internet--today, anyway--but will it yield real, live qualified candidates? To judge by an informal sample of other investigative reporter gigs now going begging, it sounds downright enthralling. Here, for instance, is how The Chicago Reporter describes an ideal investigative-reporter candidate: "Must be willing to learn how to use spreadsheets, database managers and mapping software." Or, for political types, here's an investigative post at Roll Call: "The job requires regular production of exclusive stories on money and politics, Congressional ethics, the personal finances of Members and the operations of Capitol Hill." And here's how the U.C. Berkeley Graduate School of Journalism is soliciting applications: "Candidates must have strong organizational skills as well as the ability to self-motivate and work both productively and independently in a congenial newsroom environment."

So how many interviews has Doig already lined up?

"I probably have 15-20 candidates so far," he told Poynter's Jim Romenesko. "This was my first job post. But I took a similar approach when I was looking for a job about 10 years ago. I wrote what you'd probably consider a 'non-traditional' cover letter figuring that anybody who didn't like it would also not like me (and vice-versa). The guy who hired me at the Sarasota Herald-Tribune, Chris Davis, told me he never even read the clips I sent. He just loved the cover letter. And he and I have gotten along about as well as any reporter and editor can, so my strategy must have worked."

If you think you can get along with Doig, you can apply here.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Alea on March 26, 2011, 19:26:05
How accurate is this one nowadays ;)


(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.gamesfree.ca%2Fwg_images%2Fimg_gal%2Fm9vgFg55yxvm3lDA0pW31mtmTgamesfree_ca_funny_pictures-0033.jpg&hash=1300660f209dc9d6fa5033b66c325927)


Alea
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on March 28, 2011, 10:14:47
Warning, Adult XXX

This man had what he thought was the best tattoo in the world...


...until he went to prison.

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: zander1976 on March 28, 2011, 10:49:25
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi216.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fcc25%2Fzander1976%2Ftequilacat.jpg&hash=6a13a193d1bc9795c97803e9d37990ba)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: nuclearzombies on March 28, 2011, 11:23:35
Top o' the mornin to all, here's a couple funnies to get you started out today (have a gooder folks!) :cdn: :yellow: :cdn:

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi481.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Frr173%2Fnox_invictus_profundum%2F2910.jpg&hash=86ccbbe3e965dd26fd9e4ab0b7278f0c)

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi481.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Frr173%2Fnox_invictus_profundum%2Fgeorge-demotivational-poster-1234086141.jpg&hash=7de0ada1b627c1958bfc81f4b468b269)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hamish Seggie on March 28, 2011, 12:50:11
Top o' the mornin to all, here's a couple funnies to get you started out today (have a gooder folks!) :cdn: :yellow: :cdn:

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi481.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Frr173%2Fnox_invictus_profundum%2F2910.jpg&hash=86ccbbe3e965dd26fd9e4ab0b7278f0c)



I'm keeping an eye on you....I like the cut of your jib....zombie wise....
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on March 29, 2011, 08:21:11
Family Feud: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQRMvg5TAl8

 >:D ;D

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 123nil456 on March 29, 2011, 16:45:03
Whana hear a joke....

Vancouver Island University Faculty Association
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on March 29, 2011, 19:23:31
http://nozzlerage.com/Nozzle_Rage_Video_2.html

Nozzle Rage

Couple of videos. You can skip the msg.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 57Chevy on March 29, 2011, 22:34:58
Three kinds of men  ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: MikeL on March 30, 2011, 13:29:50
Combat Coffee 101- language warning

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRIriU1ApVc
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 211RadOp on March 30, 2011, 13:31:12
Combat Coffee 101- language warning

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRIriU1ApVc

It has been making the rounds on FB.  My 9D almost killed herself laughing.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Sigger on March 30, 2011, 14:09:35
Combat Coffee 101- language warning

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRIriU1ApVc

"OPEN!" Hahahahahah!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: JMesh on March 30, 2011, 20:41:04
Made by a friend of mine while working on his Music History paper:

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fa2.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F196404_10150460794275072_545315071_17972804_8039221_n.jpg&hash=f90b3e1fe10f11520925a77abf2e6f5b)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: nuclearzombies on April 02, 2011, 01:39:59
"The Front Fell Off"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-QNAwUdHUQ
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: agc on April 02, 2011, 09:20:51
I was checking out of Dominion during a recent grocery shop.  The young lady working the register was having a bit of difficulty with the fresh vegetables.  I assumed she was new to the store and just hadn't memorized the numbers yet, until she picked one of my items up, and asked "What's this?"  I kept a straight face.  "Celery."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: S.M.A. on April 02, 2011, 13:30:28
Okayyyy...

NYC weatherman goes crazy... (http://video.ca.msn.com/watch/video/crazy-new-york-weatherman/1gl0t9k82?from=en-ca-hpquad)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: nuclearzombies on April 03, 2011, 10:57:49
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi481.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Frr173%2Fnox_invictus_profundum%2FZombies20Supermodels.jpg&hash=19b3227d6d37b5b865ee6eda7adea7b5)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on April 03, 2011, 13:06:43
A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?, What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old".

The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ***?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on April 04, 2011, 09:23:59
Birthday or Fathers Day coming up? Gift suggestions for real men.

Part 1, personal use.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on April 04, 2011, 09:27:51
Birthday or Fathers Day coming up? Gift suggestions for real men.

Part 2, around the home.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: HavokFour on April 05, 2011, 15:47:05
How to make coffee in the Field (http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=cae_1301969332)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Sigger on April 05, 2011, 15:52:07
You were beaten to it..

Look up, wayyy up.. Still hilarious.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on April 07, 2011, 12:40:55
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK:

1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "Michael Ignatieff".
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of "Michael Ignatieff?"
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better?

GOOD! ----- Tomorrow we'll do "Jack Layton"!

 
I am sure somebody will be along to add "Harper".
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Occam on April 07, 2011, 13:06:27
No, I did not write this.  Yes, it's long, but it's worth it.


Lizard Birth

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later....

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. .... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . .. masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife..

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its .. . . its. . teeny little . . "

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Sigger on April 07, 2011, 14:02:15
Funny, but not 'ha ha' funny..

http://youtu.be/gCjrx9LLr68 (http://youtu.be/gCjrx9LLr68)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on April 09, 2011, 14:42:14
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looked at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.'

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it?

I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 57Chevy on April 09, 2011, 17:01:57
The Cart pulling the donkey  ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: VIChris on April 10, 2011, 21:48:04
Little Johnny is sitting on Santa's lap. Santa says to him "I bet you want a B I K E for Christmas this year," tapping Johnny on the nose as he says each letter.

"Nope," says Johnny.

"Perhaps a W A G O N?" he spells out, again tapping Johnny on the nose.

"Nope," is is reply again.

"Well what would you like then?" Asks Santa.

"I want some P U S S Y," he says, tapping Saint Nick on the nose. "And don't tell me you haven't got any, 'cause I can smell it on your fingers."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on April 11, 2011, 09:37:39
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.motifake.com%2Fimage%2Fdemotivational-poster%2F1104%2Fi-want-a-tank-tank-circular-logic-sean-rl-demotivational-posters-1302121237.jpg&hash=15097d436adf0b4bfaf9dab29ea00f3b) (http://"http://www.motifake.com/tank-circular-logic-sean-rl-demotivational-posters-132607.html")

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.motifake.com%2Fimage%2Fdemotivational-poster%2F0807%2Fporsche-porsche-tank-panzer-maus-demotivational-poster-1216376071.jpg&hash=ac02258af6eb5a7f1d96fe0d34eaea27) (http://"http://www.motifake.com/porsche-tank-panzer-maus-demotivational-posters-12625.html")

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.motifake.com%2Fimage%2Fdemotivational-poster%2F1103%2Ffiring-squad-tanks-death-firing-squad-demotivational-posters-1301068543.jpg&hash=72b5668f370359cc7e09c543fe631b88) (http://"http://www.motifake.com/tanks-death-firing-squad-demotivational-posters-131754.html")

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.motifake.com%2Fimage%2Fdemotivational-poster%2F1001%2Fthe-law-of-gross-tonnage-tank-vs-car-law-demotivational-poster-1264403102.jpg&hash=f4360d23dec9b1296d9f1d49ae90ab8d) (http://www.motifake.com/tank-vs-car-law-demotivational-posters-87072.html)

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.motifake.com%2Fimage%2Fdemotivational-poster%2F0807%2Fbring-your-daughter-to-work-day-girls-tanks-daughter-work-fa-demotivational-poster-1216353987.jpg&hash=085481ab92236fa1df4bedae974bcd9d) (http://www.motifake.com/girls-tanks-daughter-work-fail-children-demotivational-posters-12600.html)

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.motifake.com%2Fimage%2Fdemotivational-poster%2F1104%2Fcardassians-and-kardashians-card-demotivational-posters-1302100254.jpg&hash=83f37e2ed7b85d78f4ca9cf02e2072c6) (http://www.motifake.com/card-demotivational-posters-132550.html)

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.motifake.com%2Fimage%2Fdemotivational-poster%2F1104%2Fsnowshovel-theres-an-explaination-for-this-demotivational-posters-1301661043.jpg&hash=51d318b27f832e2cc9794d267e05acfb) (http://www.motifake.com/theres-an-explaination-for-this-demotivational-posters-132193.html)

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.motifake.com%2Fimage%2Fdemotivational-poster%2F1103%2Fshopping-experience-grocery-store-demotivational-posters-1301430571.jpg&hash=c8958872b61a9e39189f78d1bbea37c4) (http://www.motifake.com/grocery-store-demotivational-posters-132046.html)

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.motifake.com%2Fimage%2Fdemotivational-poster%2F1103%2Fmormons-mormos-morman-moron-moronic-monkey-demotivational-posters-1301389258.jpg&hash=584ab66c25de4f1249a583fb5f50fd2d) (http://www.motifake.com/mormos-morman-moron-moronic-monkey-demotivational-posters-132013.html)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Journeyman on April 11, 2011, 13:25:00
Liberal Campaign Promises on Navy Procurement  

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fhackedirl.files.wordpress.com%2F2011%2F04%2Fbce353de-de68-4ef9-8ad5-6ba82cc88ce5.jpg&hash=e9f44278e3221b2a9afa03c8e2a9ac5f)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: jollyjacktar on April 11, 2011, 13:55:54
 :rofl:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 123nil456 on April 11, 2011, 17:25:10
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FftSac.png&hash=05a77c1362c5ecf6d58720b54b28b87e)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: NinerSix on April 11, 2011, 17:49:41
My turn to :ROFL
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on April 12, 2011, 13:02:16
First sign of Spring in Ontario
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 57Chevy on April 12, 2011, 20:14:43
You never could read them anyway  ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: NinerSix on April 13, 2011, 10:37:51
Lots of this going in Suffield right now:

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fv108%2Fmiraclejoe%2FMPSubmarine.jpg&hash=e1a542483132abbc2ac343f1dcfd3bdc)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on April 13, 2011, 22:47:18
CF Recruiter
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hamish Seggie on April 13, 2011, 22:55:41
Jack Daniels is a great thing, to wit:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 57Chevy on April 13, 2011, 22:58:51
Good one Jim :rofl:

Here's a bumper sticker for you :cheers:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: HavokFour on April 14, 2011, 14:55:35
Skittles "Touch" Campaign (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDlaJlb1ezg)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: wson on April 14, 2011, 16:33:33
HAHAHA strangely arousing.  :nod:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: S.M.A. on April 14, 2011, 22:49:13
Bi-winning? okaaaayyyy... ::)

link: UBC campus does lipdub (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dpp3quce1Vo)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on April 17, 2011, 14:11:54
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.abload.de%2Fimg%2F4552_a5c3vttp.jpeg&hash=4bc4f55d8dc41b388e2df51e19616873)

 :nod:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Alea on April 17, 2011, 16:24:49
This is not really funny but I didn't know where to post it.

Poor guy! It must really hurt!!

http://fr.video.sympatico.ca/index.php/fr/video/divertissement/12/humour/33/droles-de-videos/157/biker-owned-by-branch/906094304001

Alea
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Occam on April 17, 2011, 23:30:24
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi893.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fac134%2FOccam_photos%2F041211-beer.jpg&hash=bf453dc44f0907aab1aadd9dd24df5af)

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: S.M.A. on April 18, 2011, 17:10:58
T-mobile's depiction of William and Kate's upcoming wedding (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kav0FEhtLug&feature=player_embedded)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Haletown on April 18, 2011, 18:01:55
Beer . .. because it can cause  more than memory loss



http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00622/beer_goggles_622180a.swf

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: jollyjacktar on April 19, 2011, 07:28:46
Thanks Haletown, good laugh.   :cheers:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: jollyjacktar on April 20, 2011, 08:31:33
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=9ByBGMIkNCI
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: jollyjacktar on April 20, 2011, 19:42:54
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fca.mg5.mail.yahoo.com%2Fya%2Fdownload%3Ffid%3DInbox%26amp%3Bmid%3D1_233031_ABdVimIAAJhwTa6y1gjZCVe3mto%26amp%3Bpid%3D2%26amp%3Btnef%3D%26amp%3BYY%3D1303339178037%26amp%3Bfile_name%3Dvuvuzela_postcard-p239823837884339258q9pf_525.jpg&hash=e95321ceabd1108fcb4b2b3bdd9ca763)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on April 21, 2011, 09:06:36
The Wal-Mart Greeter

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear."   

“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I’ll try harder."

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, "It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled.

He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, Good morning, General, can I get your coffee, sir?”

 :salute:   ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 211RadOp on April 22, 2011, 09:20:33
He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, Good morning, General, can I get your coffee, sir?”

 :salute:   ;D

Heard the same one, but it ended "Good morning RSM."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on April 22, 2011, 10:40:24
Heard the same one, but it ended "Good morning RSM."

The one I saw actually had Admiral, but I changed that.   ;)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Alea on April 22, 2011, 23:33:37
Happy Easter to all!

Alea

______________________________________________________________________

Secret Service
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service!"

_______________________________________________________________________


(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.easterhumor.com%2Fpics%2Fbitten.jpg&hash=10be2744eda7dba5eef88272ae9ae0b1)



Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: avgpjon on April 23, 2011, 00:09:38
A Scottish Solder in full dress uniform marches into a chemists.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
“How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the chemist.
“Six pence,” says the chemist.
“How much for a new one?”
“Ten pence,”says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
“The regiment has taken a vote,” he says.
“We’ll have a new one.”

Good one, though 40+ years old.

The way I heard it was that the Scotish soldier returned the next and announced to the chemist that it was the decision of the Regiment to have it vulcanized.  (Vulcanize...old country expression meaning to repair rubber objects with applied heat).
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: SARgirl on April 23, 2011, 00:11:21
Military Cha Cha Slide
http://dancejam.com/videos/1054605025-military-cha-cha-slide
Nice to see them get into the groove at work.  ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on April 23, 2011, 12:48:41
WHEN YOU SEE IT......

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg35.imageshack.us%2Fimg35%2F3282%2F806whenyouseeeiat.jpg&hash=88b0e671d4accf7f8074b9b281e99f6f)

 ;)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hamish Seggie on April 24, 2011, 00:33:16
WHEN YOU SEE IT......

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg35.imageshack.us%2Fimg35%2F3282%2F806whenyouseeeiat.jpg&hash=88b0e671d4accf7f8074b9b281e99f6f)

 ;)

See what?
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on April 24, 2011, 11:41:51
Received via email:

An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf.  So he puts his name down at the local club.
 
After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down.  So he goes down to the club to enquire why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.

Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.

Scot: Aye, so do I.

Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?

Scot: Aye, neither do I.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So you are circumcised?

Scot: Aye, I be that too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.

Scot: Ach, away with ya man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.
And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus.
But this is the first time I heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.

 :piper:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on April 24, 2011, 12:05:21
See what?
Maybe you should more focus on the background and less on the eh foreground. ;)

Regards,
ironduke57
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on April 24, 2011, 12:12:53
WHEN YOU SEE IT......

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg35.imageshack.us%2Fimg35%2F3282%2F806whenyouseeeiat.jpg&hash=88b0e671d4accf7f8074b9b281e99f6f)

 ;)
Oh, I get it:

Her bra and panties match  :nod:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: MJP on April 24, 2011, 12:20:07
Oh, I get it:

Her bra and panties match  :nod:

No silly she isn't in the kitchen...

*ducks*
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: George Wallace on April 24, 2011, 12:31:21
OH NO! Go Go Godzilla! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7gFlSGXt_k)











http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcZGRCU8s3g&feature=related

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: DexOlesa on April 24, 2011, 12:36:44
Is it bad that the first thing I saw was Godzilla? Been single too long I guess.



Post Turtle



While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.  Eventually, the topic got around to Michael Ignatieff and his bid to be the PM of Canada .

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, he's a 'Post Turtle''. Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
. . .  'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb *** put him up there to begin with'.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on April 24, 2011, 14:30:15
Party Leaders “Hop to it” for Easter

http://ipolitics.ca/2011/04/24/party-leaders-hop-to-it-for-easter-2/

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Saskboy on April 24, 2011, 15:40:48
Thanks for posting, I got a good chuckle out of that. I laughed particularly hard during Iggy and Gille's little partner routine. Also appears that Jack's hip has healed up quite nicely. ;)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Retired AF Guy on April 25, 2011, 01:32:51

No eggs today!

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on April 26, 2011, 08:46:35
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fd3uwin5q170wpc.cloudfront.net%2Fphoto%2F109372_700b_v3.jpg&hash=8f3c74a5dee559ab741083c2c34476af)

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on April 26, 2011, 16:10:40
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.motifake.com%2Fimage%2Fdemotivational-poster%2F0806%2Fthem-duke-boys-got-themselves-in-a-pickle-again-demotivational-poster-1213594733.jpg&hash=6c8654beba6beaafe2b8748d70539445) (http://www.motifake.com/-demotivational-posters-8740.html)

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.motifake.com%2Fimage%2Fdemotivational-poster%2F0806%2Fmy-childhood-demotivational-poster-1213585667.jpg&hash=f5d1d9f41c395fcd4cee36af93186a0c) (http://www.motifake.com/-demotivational-posters-8737.html)

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.motifake.com%2Fimage%2Fdemotivational-poster%2F0909%2Fpervert-september-challenge-milk-strained-udders-demotivational-poster-1251982359.jpg&hash=0c8d0f5405cc8ee9bf558b2cfb3e4fe1) (http://www.motifake.com/september-challenge-milk-strained-udders-demotivational-posters-69635.html)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: DanKnee on April 27, 2011, 09:31:57
Marines having some fun.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCrG6TzG-nw&feature=player_embedded#at=77
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on April 27, 2011, 10:33:00
3 New Navy  Ships:  Pictures below

USS  REAGAN

Seeing it next to  the Arizona Memorial really puts its size into  perspective... ENORMOUS!

When the Bridge pipes 'Man the  Rail' there is a lot of rail to man on this monster:  shoulder to shoulder, around 4.5 acres.  Her  displacement is about 100,000 tons with full  complement.   

Capability

Top speed exceeds 30 knots,  powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for  more than 20 years without  refueling                   

1.  Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50  years

2. Carries over 80 combat  aircraft 

3. Three arresting cables  can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in  less than 400 feet

Size

1. Towers 20 stories above the  waterline

2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as  the Empire State Building is tall

3.   Flight deck covers 4.5 acres

4.  4 bronze  propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200   pounds

5.  2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and  weighing 50 tons

6.  4 high speed aircraft  elevators, each over 4,000 square  feet

Capacity

1. Home to about 6,000 Navy  personnel 

2 . Carries enough food and  supplies to operate for 90 days

3.  18,150  meals served daily

4.  Distillation plants  provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water  daily, enough for 2,000  homes       

5.   Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable  and wiring 1,400 telephones

6.  14,000  pillowcases and 28,000 sheets

 

HMCS MIKE IGNATIEFF

The  Mike Ignatieff (HMCS) set sail today from its  home port of Vancouver ,  BC

The ship is the first of its  kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to Michael Ignatieff  'for his foresight in military budget cuts'   

The ship is  constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and  is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5  knots. It boasts an arsenal comprised of  one (unarmed) F18 Hornet  aircraft which, although they cannot be launched on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing  presence.

As a standing order, there are no  firearms allowed on board.

This crew, like the  crew aboard the HMSC Jean chretien, is specially trained  to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of  Canada at all costs.

An onboard  Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages  of apology in any language to anyone who may find Canada offensive.  The number of apologies are  limitless and though some may seem hollow and  disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.   

In times of  conflict, the HMSC Mike Ignatieff  has orders to seek refuge in the USA

HMSC JACK LAYTON
 
 Details  are   vague.     
 But don't you  worry..........he has a  plan

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on April 28, 2011, 14:16:11

For GAP:

 Sensitivity Training


 A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the
 heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of
 one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the
 military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career
 he was always sensitive about his appearance.


 One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a
 Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.


 The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great
 interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you
 notice anything different about me?"


 The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are
 missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your
 hearing on that side.."


 The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his
 office.


 The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same
 question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear."

 The Admiral threw him out also.


 The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was
 articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two
 Master Chiefs put together.. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with
 the same question.


 "Do you notice anything different about me?"


 To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."


 The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly
 tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.


 The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ******' ear."

 

 
 
 
 








Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: JBrock on April 28, 2011, 20:18:34
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FrygC7.jpg&hash=0b9db9caa8f53c1f2ae69d01049429a2)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 123nil456 on April 29, 2011, 04:00:35
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fterminallance.com%2Fcomics%2F2011-04-28-Strip_122_Safety_Stand-Down_web.gif&hash=0d4e3986feb99030ec657ad416bd7206)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hamish Seggie on April 29, 2011, 11:44:52
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fterminallance.com%2Fcomics%2F2011-04-28-Strip_122_Safety_Stand-Down_web.gif&hash=0d4e3986feb99030ec657ad416bd7206)

I been that guy, on more than one occasion.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on April 29, 2011, 13:57:46
Larry Niven's Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex (http://www.rawbw.com/~svw/superman.html).

 :rofl:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rheostatic on May 01, 2011, 18:16:58
From Kate Beaton's Hark! A Vagrant (http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=266)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on May 02, 2011, 17:27:51
A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, Its not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under  the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

"OK, I give up. Where's the freakin' ship?"
 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on May 02, 2011, 21:59:33
 
 
 
 
 
Have You Ever Danced?

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ***?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

-Never be arrogant.
-Don't waste ammunition.
-Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
-Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.


I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?
 
 
 
 


 

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on May 04, 2011, 09:02:56
A study conducted by UCLA has revealed that the kind of man a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

If she is ovulating, she is attracted to a man with rugged and masculine features.  However, if she is menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire ....     >:D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on May 04, 2011, 11:55:17
Online date goes horribly wrong
By QMI Agency
http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2011/05/03/18098061.html (http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2011/05/03/18098061.html)         

BARRIE, Ont. - A date arranged online went awry for a Barrie man when the woman turned out to be his current girlfriend.

When the 49-year-old woman arrived at a local coffee shop Saturday evening, Barrie police say she threw coffee in his face and slapped him.

An off duty OPP officer arrested the woman and called city police.

The woman was held for bail.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hamish Seggie on May 04, 2011, 12:02:24
Online date goes horribly wrong
By QMI Agency
http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2011/05/03/18098061.html (http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2011/05/03/18098061.html)         

BARRIE, Ont. - A date arranged online went awry for a Barrie man when the woman turned out to be his current girlfriend.

When the 49-year-old woman arrived at a local coffee shop Saturday evening, Barrie police say she threw coffee in his face and slapped him.

An off duty OPP officer arrested the woman and called city police.

The woman was held for bail.

So I guess she was looking for some extra cirricular fun too.....but she'll be portrayed as the victim.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Journeyman on May 04, 2011, 12:13:46
There are a few lessons for us all here:

-Never be arrogant.
-Don't waste ammunition.
-Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
-Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
And from the mule's perspective:

- Even if you had nothing to do with a mission's outcome, you can still brag about it   ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on May 04, 2011, 12:26:57
Psst....somebody let Jack know...............

Toronto massage parlours face crackdown
By DON PEAT, QMI Agency
Article Link (http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/Canada/2011/05/04/18100151.html)
 
TORONTO - One Toronto councillor wants to ensure there's no such thing as a happy ending.

Councillor Doug Ford asked the licensing and standards committee Tuesday to crack down on "rub and tug" parlours operating under the guise of being traditional Chinese medicine and acupuncture clinics.
More on link
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on May 04, 2011, 12:34:34
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FiVJqF.png&hash=243de4c8e40649ab8033484562a11b87)

 ;)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hammer Sandwich on May 04, 2011, 13:07:06
So I guess she was looking for some extra cirricular fun too.....but she'll be portrayed as the victim.

+ a Ba-zillion.
I think I'm on the same page with you on this one, Mr. S.

I'm sure if the tables were turned, the fella would do 5 for assault.

I'm going to follow this, and see what her punishment is, (if any).
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on May 04, 2011, 14:11:24
So I guess she was looking for some extra cirricular fun too.....but she'll be portrayed as the victim.

+ a Ba-zillion.
I think I'm on the same page with you on this one, Mr. S.

I'm sure if the tables were turned, the fella would do 5 for assault.

I'm going to follow this, and see what her punishment is, (if any).

You know what they say about jumping to conclusions.........   ::)

After all, she was arrested and is being held on bail.  I'm betting he'll drop the charges anyway.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on May 04, 2011, 14:18:43
Maybe they were meant for each other.....they got together, obviously liked it for a time, then went to find someone else.....in both cases the someone else was EXACTLY like what they had......
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on May 04, 2011, 15:21:07
Maybe they were meant for each other.....they got together, obviously liked it for a time, then went to find someone else.....in both cases the someone else was EXACTLY like what they had......

 :rofl:  Too funny!

I suspect she was checking up on his online activities and did it deliberately.   >:D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on May 06, 2011, 11:38:51
Nice! RT @DenVan:
Harper Majority: HATCHED. Kate & Will: MATCHED. Osama bin Laden: DISPATCHED What a week! Cc: #CDNPoli
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rheostatic on May 06, 2011, 16:33:46
From Kate Beaton's Hark! A Vagrant (http://harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=239)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GR66 on May 06, 2011, 17:17:28
They've begun already.  Received an email from my brother today about a new cocktail...


The Seal Team 6


GIN laden...2 shots...and a splash of sea water.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on May 06, 2011, 19:01:07
A german news TV station did made a little error yesterday:
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg6.imageshack.us%2Fimg6%2F7632%2Fn24fail.jpg&hash=7e7e35d54f4336b632f04a29867eff32)
 
:rofl: :brickwall: :rofl:

Regards,
ironduke57
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 123nil456 on May 06, 2011, 19:44:07
Is the Eagle eating a space shuttle  ???
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on May 06, 2011, 19:56:28
Nope. That´s a Phaser. There are Bath´lets around a Klingon skull and also it´s "Maquis" Special Operations. That´s the emblem of an hypothetical SEAL 6 team from the Maquis of the Startrek DS9 universe.

Probably someone just googled "SEAL Team 6 emblem" or such and chose the wrong one.

Regards,
ironduke57
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rheostatic on May 07, 2011, 00:20:07
Nope. That´s a Phaser. There are Bath´lets around a Klingon skull and also it´s "Maquis" Special Operations. That´s the emblem of an hypothetical SEAL 6 team from the Maquis of the Startrek DS9 universe.

Probably someone just googled "SEAL Team 6 emblem" or such and chose the wrong one.
Sure enough.  (http://wiki.maquis.com/w/KTF/Seals)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on May 08, 2011, 06:17:24
Osama's watery grave captured:
- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfF1vkMQ0h0 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfF1vkMQ0h0)

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on May 08, 2011, 17:01:49

 
Note to self: fun with banks: Do not cancel credit cards prior to  death!     
 
This is so priceless and so easy  to see happening - customer service, being what  it is today!
 
A lady died this  past January, and CBIC bank billed her for February and March for their annual  service charges on her credit card,  and then added late fees and interest  on the monthly charge. The balance  had been $0.00, now is somewhere around  $60.00.
 
A family member placed a call to the CBIC Bank:
 
 Family Member:
 'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'
 
 CBIC:
 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
 
 Family Member:
 'Maybe you should  turn it over to collections.'
 
 CBIC:
 'Since it is two months past due, it already has  been.'
 
 Family Member:
 So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
 
CBIC:
 'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
 
 Family Member:
 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
 
 CBIC:
 'Excuse  me?'
 
 Family Member:
 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about  her being dead?'
 
 CBIC:
 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
 
 Supervisor gets on the phone:
 Family Member:
 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'
 
CBIC:
 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
 
 Family Member:
 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
 
 CBIC:
 (Stammer)  'Are you her lawyer?'
 
 Family Member:
 'No, I'm her great  nephew.'
 (Lawyer info given)
 
CBIC:
 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
 
 Family Member:
 'Sure.'
 ( fax number is given )
 
 After they get the fax:
 
 CBIC:
 'Our  system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
 
 Family Member:
 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'
 
 CBIC:
 'Well,  the late fees and charges do still apply.'
 
 Family Member:
 'Would you like her new billing address?'
 
 CBIC:
 'That might help.'
 
 Family Member:
 ' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney
 Plot Number 1049.'
 
CBIC:
 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
 
 Family Member:
 'Well, what  the f**k do you do with dead people on your planet?'   
 

 
 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on May 12, 2011, 06:23:51
Obi-Wan Kenobi Is Dead, Vader Says
Quote
CORUSCANT — Obi-Wan Kenobi, the mastermind of some of the most devastating attacks on the Galactic Empire and the most hunted man in the galaxy, was killed in a firefight with Imperial forces near Alderaan, Darth Vader announced on Sunday.

In a late-night appearance in the East Room of the Imperial Palace, Lord Vader declared that “justice has been done” as he disclosed that agents of the Imperial Army and stormtroopers of the 501st Legion had finally cornered Kenobi, one of the leaders of the Jedi rebellion, who had eluded the Empire for nearly two decades. Imperial officials said Kenobi resisted and was cut down by Lord Vader's own lightsaber. He was later dumped out of an airlock. ...
- http://www.galacticempiretimes.com/2011/05/09/galaxy/outer-rim/obi-wan-kenobi-is-killed.html

Read also the comments!   ;D 

Regards,
ironduke57
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on May 12, 2011, 13:40:09
"I'm in my mid-60s. Too young for Medicare. Too old for women to care" - Kinky Friedman
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 57Chevy on May 12, 2011, 19:24:24
pensions  ::)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: cdnleaf on May 12, 2011, 21:01:53
Obi-Wan Kenobi Is Dead, Vader Says- http://www.galacticempiretimes.com/2011/05/09/galaxy/outer-rim/obi-wan-kenobi-is-killed.html

Read also the comments!   ;D 

Regards,
ironduke57


(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.pocobor.com%2Fblog%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2Fimages%2Fheader%2FlightSaber.jpg&hash=db254f27717cb629f53751d61bc42c4d)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: wson on May 12, 2011, 21:49:08
lol
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hamish Seggie on May 13, 2011, 00:30:12

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.pocobor.com%2Fblog%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2Fimages%2Fheader%2FlightSaber.jpg&hash=db254f27717cb629f53751d61bc42c4d)

Agreed. Even better than the C6 in the SF role......
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on May 13, 2011, 16:25:15
Iron Sky Teaser 3 - We Come In Peace!
- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNDaOFQ6g2I

 >:D ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 57Chevy on May 13, 2011, 21:29:42
Who?
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on May 13, 2011, 22:21:39
A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. 

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto, 'We love to fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. 'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. 'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the frig do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face.

"Air Canada."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hammer Sandwich on May 14, 2011, 00:01:32
Quote from: 57Chevy [/quote

Hahahahhahahaaa.........I admit I laughed hard, as "Hello" is one of my guilty pleasures.... ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hammer Sandwich on May 14, 2011, 00:10:57
So this lady goes into the grocery store...

She picks up soup for one (1).....
Salad for one(1).....
Dessert for one (1)....

She brings her wares to the checkout boy.

He scans each item, looks at her, bats his eyelashes and says:

"Listen...are you single?"

She says, "Why yes, how could you tell?"

He says...."Because you're Fu(king ugly...."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 123nil456 on May 14, 2011, 01:28:51
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSBKZPNsK74&feature=player_embedded
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on May 14, 2011, 10:39:40

Ultimate Dog Tease

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on May 15, 2011, 12:20:35
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work.
 
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
 
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.' The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
 
Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'
 
Man - 'That's nice.'
 
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
 
Man - 'No, thanks.'
 
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
 
Man - 'OK, how much?'
 
Boy - '$250'
 
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover, are in the closet together..
 
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
 
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
 
Boy - 'I have sand wedge. 'The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
 
Boy - '$750'
 
Man - 'Sold.'
 
A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice. The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'
 
The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'
 
Boy - '$1,000.'
 
The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you  confess.'
 
They go to the church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
 
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
 
The priest says, 'Don't start that crap with me again. You're in my closet now.'
 
 

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: jollyjacktar on May 17, 2011, 15:23:38
Thank you Rifleman, I needed a laugh today.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on May 18, 2011, 16:56:25
A variation of an old one:

THE OFFICIAL TEXAS SHERIFF  EXAM
 
A young Texan grew up  wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2'', strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40  paces.
 
When he finally came of  age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff''s Department. After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last  interview.
 
The Chief Deputy said,  "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have what you might call an 'attitude suitability test'  that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
 
Then, sliding a service  pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and  go out and shoot:

six illegal  aliens,
six  lawyers,
six meth  dealers,
six Muslim  extremists,
six  Democrats,
and a rabbit."
 
"Why the rabbit?" queried  the applicant.
 
"Great attitude. You pass." said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: RemembranceDay on May 18, 2011, 17:23:58
A variation of an old one:

THE OFFICIAL TEXAS SHERIFF  EXAM
 
A young Texan grew up  wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2'', strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40  paces.
 
When he finally came of  age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff''s Department. After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last  interview.
 
The Chief Deputy said,  "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have what you might call an 'attitude suitability test'  that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
 
Then, sliding a service  pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and  go out and shoot:

six illegal  aliens,
six  lawyers,
six meth  dealers,
six Muslim  extremists,
six  Democrats,
and a rabbit."
 
"Why the rabbit?" queried  the applicant.
 
"Great attitude. You pass." said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"



Nice... :D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on May 19, 2011, 12:07:24
The old one, gender changed:

It's down to three supremely fit, motivated, intelligent and very tough women to get the last position in the JTF2.

The three have passed with ease every test, physical and mental, thrown at them

Interview time.

The first candidate, Antonia, enters the interview room, sits down opposite the guy behind the desk.

"Alright, you passed all the tests with ease". He opens the desk drawer, and pulls out a 9mm automatic. " For this final attitude test, go into the next room. Your husband is in there, Kill him!"

In horror, Antonia hollers " No, no, no. We are newly weds just starting our life together".

Fail the interviewer shouts.

The second candidate, Petra, rushes into the interview room, sits down across the guy behind the desk.

"Petra, you passed everything we threw at you". He opens the desk drawer, and pulls out a 9mm automatic. " How badly do you want this position? This is final attitude test. Go into the next room. You will find your husband in there. Kill him!"

Petra jumps up and screams " The father of our children, the love of my life? Why kind of people are you to ask that?"

Fail the interviewer screams.

The third and final candidate, Erica, swaggers into the interview room, sprawls in the chair  across from the guy behind the desk.

"Erica, I am going to cut to the chase. All of our tests you easily sailed through. One last test to get in".  He opens the desk drawer, and pulls out a 9mm automatic. " Get into the next room. Your husband is in there. Kill him!"

Stunned, the interviewer sees Eric jump up and storm into the room. Nine quick shots are heard. Sounds of bodies smashing into walls, screams, curses.

Erica staggers out, hair tangled, bloody, torn clothing. The interviewer is astonished, speechless!

Erica shouts "Blanks, god damn fricken blanks. What assshole put blanks into the weapon. Couldn't kill him with the 9mm. Had to strangle the *******. I'm in, right?  He's dead. Dead is dead!"



Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on May 20, 2011, 11:15:46
Jeanne Beker
 Contributing editor
In one of the most sartorially satisfying instances of making lemonade out of lemons, the highest eBay bid on the much-heckled, Philip Treacy-designed headpiece that Princess Beatrice wore to her cousin’s wedding last month topped $30,000at the end of Thursday.

The astonishing style objet, already lionized by Canadian artist Charles Pachter in one of his signature moose paintings, has had critical tongues wagging for weeks and inspired a series of satirical photoshopped images which have gone viral.

Compared to everything from a padded toilet seat to an antiquated I.U.D., the hat in question raised eyebrows and dropped jaws when it first surfaced outside Westminster Abbey. Many, including the Star’s Heather Mallick, saw it as a blight on style propriety, and described it as a “door knocker surrounded by an octopus in strangely Fallopian death throes.”

But to me, Bea’s bonnet was a stroke of genius, a metaphor for the potential power of fashion, and an outlandishly brave creation whose time had definitely come.

http://www.thestar.com/living/fashion/article/994267--the-power-of-fashion

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hammer Sandwich on May 20, 2011, 20:47:02
The old one, gender changed:

 :rofl:

HORRIBLE!,
But funny!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on May 21, 2011, 12:32:58


@_scottreid
Scott Reid
If the world doesn't end today, I may need to ask a few of you to delete your voicemail without checking. #honestlastwords
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: nuclearzombies on May 22, 2011, 10:44:54
Angry Beaver???

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/angry-beaver-roams-n-w-t-town-184453296.html
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on May 22, 2011, 12:11:29
Just something I came upon:

Conversations With Bert: Andy Samberg, Part 1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxg113O_SRI&feature=channel_video_title
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on May 22, 2011, 16:47:58
Some of you younger folks here will not understand this humor. Q & A.
 
Q: Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When, done, you have a place to live..

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true?  Where is it?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's *** all the way to Egypt .."

Q: How can I increase the heart rate of my over-60 year-old mate?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can I avoid that terrible curse of unsightly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..

Q: Why should 60-plus people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember all these!"

 
 
 
 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: dapaterson on May 22, 2011, 17:04:11
Andy Samberg, Justin Timberlake and Lady Gaga with a public service announcement.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRybEjxCfFM

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on May 25, 2011, 09:07:12
A cleaning woman was  applying for a new position. 

When asked why she left her last employment  she replied, "Sir, the wages were good, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked.  They played a game they call BRIDGE, and last night a lot of folks were there.  As I was about to bring refreshments, I heard a man say ‘Lay down and let’s see what you got.’

Another man said ‘I got strength, but not much length.’  And then another man said to a lady, ‘Take your hand off my trick.’  I pretty near dropped dead just when a lady answered, ‘You forced me.  You jumped me twice when you didn’t have the strength for one good raise’.

Another lady was talking about protecting her honour.  And, two ladies were talking and one said,  ‘Now it’s my turn to play with your husband while you play with mine.’ 

Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving I hope to die if one them didn’t say, ‘Well, I guess we can go home, this is our last rubber!’"

 :o

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on May 29, 2011, 12:04:46
Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
 
She’d hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. “Excuse me, miss,” said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. “The Hilton doesn’t mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.”
 
“What difference does it make?” Joan asked rather calmly.

“No one can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel.”

“Not exactly,” said the embarrassed man. “You’re lying on the dining room skylight.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Bacon on May 29, 2011, 12:07:14
An Air Man, a Sailor, a Marine, a Soldier, are walking in Iraq. They see a mud hut sitting on the horrizon. The soldiers want to set up a defensive perimiter, the Airforce wants to rent it for 4 years, the Navy want to paint it, and the Marines want to blow it up.

 :deadhorse:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on May 31, 2011, 13:59:37
Battle at F-Stop Ridge

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awq90APEVgw

Well Done.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on June 02, 2011, 08:37:38
Photo was taken by my F-15 comrades guarding the airspace for launch. Thanks to all that you and all our military members sacrifice for our country!


Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Sigger on June 03, 2011, 11:34:54
Not all that funny, but pretty damned cool.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on June 03, 2011, 12:00:39
Shuttle Launch (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GE_USPTmYXM)
Title: "Captain Kirk" - William Shatner confesses fear of space travel
Post by: S.M.A. on June 03, 2011, 13:45:31
So much for "boldly going..." (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GlY7YnWvZBU)

Quote

link (http://ca.news.yahoo.com/capt-kirk-scared-space-travel-william-shatner-confesses-200749391.html)


'Capt. Kirk' scared of space travel: William Shatner confesses his fears

By Peter Rakobowchuk, The Canadian Press | The Canadian Press – 19 hours ago


MONTREAL - Even though more than a dozen Canadians have already signed up for commercial space flights, the country's most famous astronaut has no intention of joining them.

That's because the man who rose to fame playing Capt. James T. Kirk is, as it turns out, not crazy about the idea of visiting space.

William Shatner, the Star Trek protagonist, explained Thursday why he has no intention to boldly go anywhere beyond the Earth's atmosphere.

"I'm scared," the 80-year-old told a news conference, after he was given an honorary doctorate of Letters at his alma mater, Montreal's McGill University.

Shatner publicly expressed reticence years ago when asked whether he might ever take advantage of new opportunities in space travel. He went further Thursday, explaining at a news conference why it won't happen.

Virgin Galactic, one of billionaire Richard Branson's many companies, has already booked more than 300 suborbital flights.

The company hopes to complete its test phase and begin launching flights next year. Its plan for suborbital flights means its ships would go up into space, without completing an orbit of the Earth.

Fourteen of the passengers signed up to fly are Canadians.

Shatner says Branson offered him a spot — which would have cost US$200,000.

"I said, 'Well, that's not much, (but) how much do you guarantee to come back?' And he didn't have a price on that," Shatner quipped.

"He (Branson) wanted me to go up and pay for it and I said: 'Hey, you pay me and I'll go up. I'll risk my life for a large sum of money.' ... But he didn't pick me up on my offer."

It was widely reported in September 2006 that the Star Trek legend was offered a ticket by Branson aboard Virgin Galactic's first passenger flight — which was originally planned for 2008.

At the time, Shatner said he was worried about getting sick.

"I'm interested in man's march into the unknown but to vomit in space is not my idea of a good time. Neither is a fiery crash with the vomit hovering over me," he said at the time.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: helpup on June 03, 2011, 14:09:56
Now that is funny.  I like that he mentioned he would think about it if he was paid to go.  That man knows he has a price and is honest about it. ;-)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on June 04, 2011, 10:31:11
Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool..

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip.
I'm John,  he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while
pouring the beers.  "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to  England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a
car and drive for miles.    Don't we, Jim ?" Jim agrees.

"Ah,  England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap,"  says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer,
that's us, eh Jim ?  And we  can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England ?" asks the  bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to  drive."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on June 05, 2011, 17:06:45

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: dgshanks@mymts.net
To: dgshanks@mymts.net
Subject: Catholic Parrots
Date: Sun, 5 Jun 2011 14:20:54 -0500


Catholic Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.....

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...

Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:  'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!'
 
 
 


 

 


Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 211RadOp on June 05, 2011, 23:22:40
Is beer on a keyboard a good thing???
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: wson on June 07, 2011, 23:44:44
Saw this on facebook, thought it was funny!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: recceguy on June 09, 2011, 16:05:59
Bill O'Reilly flips out, best Rick Rolled ever  ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIcx_rxTstc (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIcx_rxTstc)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on June 10, 2011, 20:37:24
As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinean, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.
 
The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Foxhound on June 10, 2011, 20:48:43
The first 36 seconds of this is priceless.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SG23bVpw65o&feature=player_embedded (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SG23bVpw65o&feature=player_embedded)

Found in this article on Cracked.com:

http://www.cracked.com/article_19253_7-legendary-acts-petty-revenge.html (http://www.cracked.com/article_19253_7-legendary-acts-petty-revenge.html)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Teeps74 on June 11, 2011, 14:12:19
The first 36 seconds of this is priceless.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SG23bVpw65o&feature=player_embedded (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SG23bVpw65o&feature=player_embedded)

Found in this article on Cracked.com:

http://www.cracked.com/article_19253_7-legendary-acts-petty-revenge.html (http://www.cracked.com/article_19253_7-legendary-acts-petty-revenge.html)

That is nothing short of epic! It would so be worth the hundreds of extras to do that!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hammer Sandwich on June 11, 2011, 15:54:27

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai."

 :rofl:

That...was....brilliant.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 57Chevy on June 12, 2011, 09:21:53
I got a kick out of this one from facebook:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Retired AF Guy on June 17, 2011, 09:56:45
Reproduced under Section 29 of the copyright act:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hammer Sandwich on June 23, 2011, 23:25:58
I thought this was too funny...

Hey now.....you can't compare Canadian living to.......oh wait....you attached pictures.

Thanks, rioters.

Dinks.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on June 24, 2011, 08:30:20
New Alcohol Warning Labels

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you
are whispering when you are not.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing
like a retard.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you
can sing.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-
lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that
you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
people are laughing WITH you.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in
getting your *** kicked..
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan
tpye reel Gode.

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 211RadOp on June 24, 2011, 08:33:28
New Alcohol Warning Labels

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan
tpye reel Gode.

HEY!! How did you get ahold of one of my QL3 typing tests!!  :threat:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Journeyman on June 24, 2011, 08:43:13
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan
tpye reel Gode.
Well, that explains many of the Recruiting threads' posts.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on June 24, 2011, 10:36:53
Further to: http://forums.army.ca/forums/index.php/topic,100124.0.html

New Snowbirds equipment and personnel.

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Romanmaz on June 24, 2011, 14:14:15
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=19XwTqnKObg (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=19XwTqnKObg) - Pretty funny  :camo:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Occam on June 25, 2011, 11:29:30
I can't help but feel sorry for this guy (http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/170650112633?clk_rvr_id=242960758460).
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on June 25, 2011, 12:13:31
The car is cheaper.....
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: krustyrl on June 25, 2011, 12:19:57
...and by the looks of things....more fun.!!  Still LMAO though.!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: JMesh on June 27, 2011, 12:27:20
From my neck of the woods: http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/newfoundland-labrador/story/2011/06/27/nl-zombie-warning-gallery-627.html
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hamish Seggie on June 27, 2011, 15:37:03
From my neck of the woods: http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/newfoundland-labrador/story/2011/06/27/nl-zombie-warning-gallery-627.html

Seeeee.....everyone said...."No way Jim...Zombies? Are you crazy" Well I tried to tell ya....but ya wouldna listen now would ya? (crazy Scots guy accent here)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on June 28, 2011, 20:37:03
Boston Bruins commercials:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LYDaZIYGSlY&feature=player_embedded

Others on page incl: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_su5JzMbsA&NR=1

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on June 29, 2011, 20:23:41
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a good looking young lady about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says,  "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked,

"Well babe, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had.

That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous!

Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on July 03, 2011, 14:12:29
You've probably seen it, but it's good for a laugh . . .


Q: Doctor,  I've heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true? 

A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... don't waste on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually..  Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? 

A: You must grasp logistical efficiency.  What does cow eat?   Hay and corn. And what are these?   Vegetables.  So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.  Need grain?  Eat chicken.  Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).  And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A:  No, not at all.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made of grain.  Bottom up!

Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 

A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No pain... good!

Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you?   

A:  YOU NOT LISTENING!  Food are fried these day in vegetable oil.  In fact, they permeated by it.  How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q:  Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?  

A: Definitely not!  When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q:  Is chocolate bad for me?

A:  Are you crazy?!?  HARRROOOW!!  Cocoa bean!  Another vegetable!  It best feel-good food around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure?   

A:  If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.

Q:  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A:  Hey!  'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And  remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a  ride!!"

AND...

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat

       and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat

       and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine

       and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine

       and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of  sausages and fats 

       and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on July 05, 2011, 11:01:41
 Golf
 
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and a Newfie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Newfie fumed, 'What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'

The Newfie said, 'Why the frig can't they play at night?'
 



 
 
 
 







 


Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on July 05, 2011, 11:58:54
From The Manitoba Herald
by Clive Runnels

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified this
week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The results of
the recent election is prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll
soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors,
animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the
cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba
farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted
and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken.

When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?â€
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the
liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields.

"Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so
much that they wouldn't give any milk.â€Officials are particularly concerned about
smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and
drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves."  A lot of
these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said.
"I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a nice
little Napa Valley Cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that
they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being
made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some
have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription
drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration
authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como
and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the
accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age" an official said.


Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an
organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry
for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them." an Ottawa resident
said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 57Chevy on July 05, 2011, 20:44:24
Saw this somewhere while looking around.  ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on July 08, 2011, 17:16:39
@BorowitzReport
Andy Borowitz

Cutbacks have increasingly forced mental patients out of institutions and onto Twitter.


In 40 years America's number one industry will be tattoo removal.



Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on July 11, 2011, 12:42:13
From a news article about the last Harry Potter movie.

10 magic spells we wish worked:

"Doofus Poofus" -- Makes Paris Hilton go away forever

"Trumpus Dumpus" -- Turns Donald Trump's hair into a steaming pile of ....

"Modicumo Rectumo" -- Reduces Kim Kardashian's bum to a reasonable size

"Gaga Googoo Go-go" -- Makes Lady Gaga stop doing stupid things

"Biebus Bobbus Croppus" -- Gives Justin Bieber a crewcut

"Stanley Cuppus Nativio Entrencho" -- Only Canadian teams ever win the Cup

"Exhalio Bellyo Expando" -- Makes The Hoff finally stop sucking in his gut

"Ex-facio Atrocious Avoidus" -- Makes aging stars stop butchering their beautiful faces (so what about the wrinkles and sags!)

"Severus Snoop" -- Recuts all eight Potter movies with Snoop Dogg as Severus Snape

"Abraca-pocus and Hocus-cadabra" -- Allows Bugs Bunny to turn Count Bloodcount into a half-vampire, half-bat.

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hammer Sandwich on July 11, 2011, 13:00:56
...10 magic spells we wish worked....

"Modicumo Rectumo" -- Reduces Kim Kardashian's bum to a reasonable size


What?!? NO!!!!!!  :'(
Should this spell be cast, I will not rest until I have found a counter-spell!!  8)

Gandolf Sandwich




ETA: If any Wizards/Witches, or any other kind of spell casters mess with this.....

Im'a burn your house down.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hamish Seggie on July 11, 2011, 13:59:35
From a news article about the last Harry Potter movie.

10 magic spells we wish worked:

"Biebus Bobbus Croppus" -- Gives Justin Bieber a crewcut


And a sense of how truly unimportant the pretentious little twerp is. Chances are he'll have a beer gut and be bald when he's 40.

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on July 15, 2011, 11:23:13
Reading comments on CBC is almost as good as FailBook.

Came across this while reading the story about the RCMP shooting the "killer" black bear in B.C.

_________________________________________________________
Comment:  A bear cull is coming.

With the Governmenst blessing.

It will most likely happen behind the scenes but it will happen.

There are two many bears.
_________________________________________________

Reply:  two? As long as they only kill two I guess that's ok.

 :rofl:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 211RadOp on July 17, 2011, 07:31:34
SAD NEWS - Please join me in remembering YET ANOTHER great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dill Dough, plus they had one in the Oven. Services were held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TK-421 on July 19, 2011, 21:39:23
A little while back my wife and I were at the grocery store getting jam for some cookies she was baking.  As she was studying the jam/jelly section, she turns to me and asks: "What's the difference between jam and jelly?".  Needless to say she didn't appreciate the response  >:D

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: RemembranceDay on July 19, 2011, 23:06:03
A little while back my wife and I were at the grocery store getting jam for some cookies she was baking.  As she was studying the jam/jelly section, she turns to me and asks: "What's the difference between jam and jelly?".  Needless to say she didn't appreciate the response  >:D



What was it?

The infamous 'I don't know'?
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TK-421 on July 19, 2011, 23:17:48
What was it?

The infamous 'I don't know'?

It can go a couple of different ways, but follows the basic formula outlined below:

"I can't jelly my (insert appendage here) up your (insert orifice here)"



Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on July 22, 2011, 16:33:18
German tourist arrives at a French airport. Immigration officer asks him: "Occupation?" The German replies: "No, no, just visiting."

 >:D ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on July 22, 2011, 21:29:29
German tourist arrives at a French airport. Immigration officer asks him: "Occupation?" The German replies: "No, no, just visiting."

 >:D ;D

:rofl:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Brihard on July 22, 2011, 21:31:23
A little while back my wife and I were at the grocery store getting jam for some cookies she was baking.  As she was studying the jam/jelly section, she turns to me and asks: "What's the difference between jam and jelly?".  Needless to say she didn't appreciate the response  >:D


BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Worth sleeping on the couch?
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hammer Sandwich on July 22, 2011, 21:34:00

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Worth sleeping on the couch?

Bah...If he's married, he ain't seen (inset orifice) in years anyways..... ;)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Romanmaz on July 26, 2011, 17:38:06
http://youtu.be/ojvIFTXs4nQ (http://youtu.be/ojvIFTXs4nQ) - This made me laugh pretty hard. Make sure you turn up the volume.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on July 27, 2011, 13:35:23
Saddam Hussein ist still in power, sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes 8!"

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."

Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke."

"Really?!" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."

"Faith and begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back.

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners."

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rheostatic on July 28, 2011, 16:08:21
10 Words You Need to Stop Misspelling (http://theoatmeal.com/comics/misspelling)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on July 28, 2011, 16:16:29
10 Words You Need to Stop Misspelling (http://theoatmeal.com/comics/misspelling)

Nice.  Should be mandatory reading prior to posting.   :nod:

Another to add:  which and witch
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on July 30, 2011, 10:51:19
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that...... 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair!

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening. "

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: HavokFour on August 01, 2011, 22:28:37
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi56.tinypic.com%2Fqozrjn.jpg&hash=9321c9229b0c443dbcf40ec2953ba6a9)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Romanmaz on August 01, 2011, 22:57:11
Quote
http://youtu.be/ojvIFTXs4nQ - This made me laugh pretty hard. Make sure you turn up the volume.

Didn't like the video?  :P
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hammer Sandwich on August 07, 2011, 17:29:36
The "Small Mallet" and I completed the latest video in our tactical series.

We are pleased to present to you, "BBB#5, Camouflage and Concealment"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58NdlFOyBnk
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: HavokFour on August 07, 2011, 18:16:29
The "Small Mallet" and I completed the latest video in our tactical series.

We are pleased to present to you, "BBB#5, Camouflage and Concealment"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58NdlFOyBnk

Whiskers really bring out the colour of your eyes. You should wear that look more often.  :rofl:

EDIT: I've thought of a possible edition to your gear, a hip mounted bottle opener holster.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hammer Sandwich on August 07, 2011, 18:47:35
Whiskers really bring out the colour of your eyes. You should wear that look more often.  :rofl:

Heehee....thanks  ;D

I've thought of a possible edition to your gear, a hip mounted bottle opener holster.

Like this?  ;D (even includes lanyard)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: BadgerTrapper on August 07, 2011, 19:58:38
"So go to the closest Surplus store.... and buy a lot of green crap"


Hmm, motto to live my life by right there Hammer...

On a side note, I'm sure most of you can relate to the following...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3G9r3k5pFs&feature=feedrec_grec_index
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: RemembranceDay on August 07, 2011, 22:46:55
HAMMER!!! SPOOF THIS!! :rolf:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pzCF1K9spxg&NR=1

Hahaha, I can see it already!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: RemembranceDay on August 09, 2011, 21:36:18
War does not determine who is right – only who is left.


An employee approached his boss regarding a dispute on his pay-check…
Employee – Sir, this is $100 less than my salary.
Boss – I know. But last month, when you were overpaid $100, by mistake, you didn’t complain!
Employee – Well, I don’t mind an occasional mistake, sir, but it seems to be becoming a habit, now!

A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , “Before you meet with God,  I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the  ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”

“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.


A man was being interviewed for a job.

"Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.

"Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant.

"Did you see any active duty?"

"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."

"May I ask what happened?"

"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both
testicles."

"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."

"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential
treatment because of my disability."

"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with
you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit
around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."



The Company Commander and the 1st Sgt, were in the field.
As they hit the sack for the night, the 1SG said: "Sir, look up
into the sky and tell me what you see."

The CO said "I see millions of stars."

1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"

CO: Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells
me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"

1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."




Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hammer Sandwich on August 09, 2011, 22:35:11
“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.

Now that's a good damn joke!!!!

 :rofl:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: opp550 on August 09, 2011, 23:58:36
If anyone has the time and/or doubts about the limits of human stupidity, browse here: http://notalwaysright.com/
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on August 10, 2011, 08:50:34
The minister  was  preoccupied with thoughts of how he  was going to  ask the congregation to come  up with more money  than they were  expecting for repairs to the church   building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find  that  the regular organist was sick and a  substitute had  been brought in at the last  minute. The substitute  wanted to know what  to play.  "Here's a copy of  the  service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll  have to think of something to play  after I make  the announcement about the  finances."
During  the service, the  minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters,  we are in great difficulty; the  roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected  and  we need $4,000 more. Any of you who  can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At  that moment, the substitute organist played "O Canada."


And that is how  the substitute became the regular organist!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hamish Seggie on August 10, 2011, 10:16:40
If anyone has the time and/or doubts about the limits of human stupidity, browse here: http://notalwaysright.com/
Concur....here's your sign.... :+1:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Loachman on August 14, 2011, 14:20:36
http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6482338/50-ways-to-bore-irritate-or-confuse-a-man#432
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: NinerSix on August 14, 2011, 14:33:44
What is the difference between an oral and anal thermometer?





The taste.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Sythen on August 14, 2011, 19:58:59
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/12337009/welcome-to-2-signals-squadron

Really funny video that could be applied to any unit :)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: NinerSix on August 14, 2011, 20:05:59
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/12337009/welcome-to-2-signals-squadron

Really funny video that could be applied to any unit :)

Funny, in parts. But I am not a big fan of whiners or victims.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hammer Sandwich on August 16, 2011, 10:12:28
The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
 
-Floor 1:  These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor,
where the sign reads:
 
-Floor 2: These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward.

The third floor sign reads:
-Floor 3: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

-Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

-Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:







 

-Floor 6: You are visitor #31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



edit: punctuation
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Retired AF Guy on August 16, 2011, 10:46:50
Top 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek

10. Noisy doors.  You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing or screeching at you. My office building has automatic sliding doors. They're dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!" every time a person walked through them, about once a month some guy in accounting would snap and go on a shooting rampage. Sorry Scotty, the IEEE has revoked your membership until you learn to master WD-40

9. The Federation.  This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government that runs everything, and that has abolished money. A veritable planetary DMV. Oh sure, it looks like a cool place when you're rocketing around in a Federation Starship, but I wonder how the guy driving a Federation dump truck feels about it?

And everyone has to wear those spandex uniforms. Here's an important fact: Most people, you don't want to see them in spandex. You'd pay good money to not have to see them. If money hadn't been abolished, that is. So you're screwed.

8. Reversing the Polarity.  For cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity of everything! It might work once in a while, but usually it just screws things up. I have it on good authority that the technicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every time the Enterprise comes in for its 10,000 hour checkup, they've gotta go through the whole damned ship fixing stuff. "What happened to the toilet in Stateroom 3?" "Well, the plumbing backed up, and Giordi thought he could fix it by reversing the polarity."

Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned polarity reversing trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't just spontaneously explode whenever they put the juice to it.

7. Seatbelts. Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you'd think that the first time an explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly over the captain's head with a good 8 feet of clearance, someone would say, "You know, we might think of inventing some furutistic restraining device to prevent that from happening." So of course, they did make something like that for the second Enterprise (the first one blew up due to poor lubrication), but what was it? A hard plastic thing that's locked over your thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in the corners. "Hey look! The leg-bars worked as advertised! There goes Kirk's torso!"

6. No fuses.  Every time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the various stations and consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw their seatbelt-less operators over Picard's head. If we could get Giordi to stop reversing the polarity for a minute, we could get him to go shopping at the nearest Starship parts store and pick up a few fuses. And while he's shopping, he could stop at an intergalactic IKEA and pick up a few chairs for the bridge personnel. If you're going to put me in front of a fuseless exploding console all day, the least you could do is let me sit down.

5. Rule by committee.  Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best SF show on TV last year:

Star Trek:

Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"
Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"
Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this! And, it appears that you're a 'fraidy cat."
Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I should say something."
Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big Klingon warrior chubby."
Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on them first."
Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom and look pensive."

Firefly:

Captain: "Let's shoot them."
Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"
Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command."
Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"

4. A Star Trek quiz:  Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which one isn't coming back?

3. Technobabble. The other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved the problem by reversing the polarity of the car battery, and routing the power through my satellite dish. The resulting subspace plasma caused a rift in the space-time continuum, which created a quantum tunnelling effect that charged the protons in the engine core, thus starting my car. Child's play, really. As a happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice Channel for free.

2. The Holodeck.  I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegie the holodeck clean.

1. The Prime Directive. How stupid is this? Remember when Marvin the Martian was going to blow up the Earth, because it obstructed his view of Venus? And how Bugs Bunny stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q36 Space Modulator? Well, in the Star Trek universe, Bugs would be doing time. Probably in a room filled with Roseanne lookalikes wearing spandex uniforms, walking through doors going WHEET! all day. It would be hell. At least until the Kaboom. The Earth-shattering Kaboom.

 Link  (http://ufies.org/txt/startrek.html)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Romanmaz on August 16, 2011, 11:01:03
The classic "fake grenade tossed into a truck prank". Enjoy- http://youtu.be/GhedLgSVewA (http://youtu.be/GhedLgSVewA)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on August 18, 2011, 18:31:44
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fa6.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F294869_10150262706991232_623831231_8000405_2222504_n.jpg&hash=1006b681fa46c194d1c72716b6ca92b0)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on August 20, 2011, 11:38:57
Have you noticed how 50 girls you went to school with have set up shop as a "professional" photographer? Having a DSLR does not make you a professional photographer. We're outing these no talents with daily pictures from the worst of the web. We only post pictures that were from a photography "business," and we use that term lightly. Maybe you are one of those photographers. Have a good laugh at yourself. You submit the photos, and we provide the snark.

http://youarenotaphotographer.com/ (http://youarenotaphotographer.com/)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 57Chevy on August 22, 2011, 12:16:00
Facebook.....

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: NinerSix on August 23, 2011, 18:59:43
One of my troops made this:
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fv108%2Fmiraclejoe%2F322911_10150349036453888_630583887_7672935_801499_o.jpg&hash=9922e96a3b65af95a3f2656dede0365e)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 123nil456 on August 23, 2011, 19:08:59
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fchivethebrigade.files.wordpress.com%2F2011%2F08%2Frandom-b-08_23_11-500-27.jpg%3Fw%3D499%26amp%3Bh%3D666&hash=457209b2f814746457da7cc29a9d8eae)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: lethalLemon on August 23, 2011, 21:01:52
Tactical Snuggie! Awesome!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: RemembranceDay on August 23, 2011, 21:40:41
Tactical Snuggie! Awesome!
Make one in CADPAT!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 123nil456 on August 24, 2011, 02:45:06
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mattsoutdoorsupply.com%2Fimages%2F2850_BIG.JPG&hash=490c89c1d24bea9b044d23b062e41bb9)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: RemembranceDay on August 24, 2011, 10:55:18
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mattsoutdoorsupply.com%2Fimages%2F2850_BIG.JPG&hash=490c89c1d24bea9b044d23b062e41bb9)
SWEET!!! Where can I get one?!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: RemembranceDay on August 25, 2011, 23:03:01
http://www.tasteofawesome.com/view/I+HEARD+THE+US+AIRFORCE/103769 (http://www.tasteofawesome.com/view/I+HEARD+THE+US+AIRFORCE/103769)


Anyone seen this yet?!
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.tasteofawesome.com%2Fview%2FI%2BHEARD%2BTHE%2BUS%2BAIRFORCE%2F103769&hash=ab135b6e54a25c96385e6137608c4fbd)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: lethalLemon on August 25, 2011, 23:25:48
http://www.tasteofawesome.com/view/I+HEARD+THE+US+AIRFORCE/103769 (http://www.tasteofawesome.com/view/I+HEARD+THE+US+AIRFORCE/103769)


Anyone seen this yet?!
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.tasteofawesome.com%2Fview%2FI%2BHEARD%2BTHE%2BUS%2BAIRFORCE%2F103769&hash=ab135b6e54a25c96385e6137608c4fbd)

Bahahaha excellent
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on August 26, 2011, 11:19:19
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. 

Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her handbag and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted bank clerk and without missing a beat she  says:

"Well, that's great....that's just great.......Some arsehole's got my pen!"     

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 211RadOp on August 26, 2011, 19:56:48
A lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked "Why?"
The lady replied "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist said "Lord have mercy! That's against the law! Absolutely not!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Old Sweat on August 28, 2011, 15:03:57
THE PORCH


              A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

             "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

              Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

              The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

              The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

              "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

              The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

              A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

              "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

              "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."  Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and
handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

              "Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rheostatic on August 28, 2011, 22:37:45
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mattsoutdoorsupply.com%2Fimages%2F2850_BIG.JPG&hash=490c89c1d24bea9b044d23b062e41bb9)
I know what I'm buying for Secret Santa.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Tommy on August 29, 2011, 14:01:03
One of my troops made this:
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fv108%2Fmiraclejoe%2F322911_10150349036453888_630583887_7672935_801499_o.jpg&hash=9922e96a3b65af95a3f2656dede0365e)

This is just Freeking Awesome!  ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rheostatic on August 29, 2011, 14:13:43
This is just Freeking Awesome!  ;D
That infantryman bears a striking resemblance to someone I've had the pleasure of working with.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 123nil456 on September 02, 2011, 00:10:18
Reddit got blocked on US Military computers this week  :P
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 211RadOp on September 04, 2011, 10:19:26
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and being told that there was a fortune in horse racing , He decided to purchase one and enter him in the races, however at the local auction the going price for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had baught one he may as well enter him in the races. To his surprise the donkey came in third. The next day the race sheets carried the headline ...
 
....... Preachers *** shows....
 
The preacher was so pleased with his donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time it won...The next say the paper read...
 
........Preachers *** out in front.....
 
The bishop was so upset by this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in any more races.....The newspaper printed the headline....
 
.......Bishop scratches preachers ***.......
 
This was to much for the bishop so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent....The headline in the paper read...
 
.......Nun has best *** in town......
 
The bishop fainted, He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. She finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for ten dollars... The paper stated...
 
........Nun peddles *** for ten bucks...
 
.........They buried the bishop the next day.
 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: RemembranceDay on September 05, 2011, 01:44:25
1. A Private saying, "I learned this in Basic..."

2. A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."

3. A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based upon my experience..."

4. A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."

5. A Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this $#!+..."






1. I am  in the military , I have a problem. This is the first step to
recovery...

2. Speech:

•Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred, it is not 0530or 1400 it is 5:30 in the morning (AKA God-awful early).
•Words like deck, rack, and "PT" will get you weird looks; floor, bed, workout, get used to it.
•"F *ck" cannot be used to -replace whatever word you can't think of right now, try "um".
•Grunting is not talking.
•It's a phone, not a radio, conversations on a phone do not end in "out"
•People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you are coming from Camp Lejeune with the MWSS platoon or that you spent a deployment in the OCAC

3. Style:

•Do not put creases in your jeans.
•Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.
•A horseshoe cut looks dumb, not motivating.
•A high and tight looks really dumb as well.
•So does a low reg, but not as bad.
•A hat indoors does not make you a bad person, it makes you like the rest of the world.
•you do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.

4. Women:

•Air Force girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force girls.
•Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.
•Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense", it makes you a retard.

5. Personal accomplishments:

•In the real world, being able to do pushups will not make you good at your job.
•Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die.
•How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
•The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also not a personal accomplishment.

6. Drinking:

•In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention, not a "good for you"
•That time you drank a 5th of Jaeger and pissed in your closet is not a conversation starter.
•That time you went to the combat life saver school and practiced giving vodka iv's will also not be a good conversation starter

6. Bodily functions:

•Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as "unprofessional".
•The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled.
•You can't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is
•VD will also not be funny

7. The human body:

•Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true.

8. Spending habits:

•One day, you will have to pay bills
•Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea.
•Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool.
•One day you will need health insurance

9. Interacting with civilians (AKA YOU):

•Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal.

10. Real jobs:

•They really can fire you.
•On the flip side you really can quit.
•Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too.
•Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
•Remember 9-5 not 0530 to 1800

11. The Law:

•Non-judicial punishment does not exist and will not save you from prison.
•Your workplace unlike your command can't save you and probably won't,in fact most likely you will fired about 5 minutes after they find out you've been arrested
•Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job
•Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won.

12. General knowledge:

•You can in fact really say what you think about the Primer in public.
•Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain.
•They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important then you are, be polite.
•Read the contracts before you sign them, remember what happened the first time.

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Journeyman on September 07, 2011, 14:48:50
•Air Force girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force girls.
       :rofl:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on September 08, 2011, 16:22:28
Quote
•Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true.

So doing the flying squirrel on my PLQ is fine... but is not ok on Civvy side? Gssh.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on September 09, 2011, 10:01:21
A list of excuse notes written by parents (the sad thing is, these are real):  Spelling left intact.


1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels..

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She haddiahredyrea direathe the shits.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday.. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever,sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat , her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on September 09, 2011, 10:49:22
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Hey, John could have been in a pretty wicked fight!  ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on September 09, 2011, 15:22:17
Too funny!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: RemembranceDay on September 09, 2011, 18:23:30
Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations

Friendly fire - isn't.
Recoilless rifles - aren't.
Suppressive fires - won't.

You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.

A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.

If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.

If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.

If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.

The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.

The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready. & when you're not.

No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.

There is no such thing as a perfect plan.

Five second fuzes always burn three seconds.

There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.

The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.

The easy way is always mined.

Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.

Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.

When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.

If the enemy is within range, so are you.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.

Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.

Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.

Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.

Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.

Tracers work both ways.

If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.

When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.

Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.

Military Intelligence is a contradiction.

Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.

Weather ain't neutral.

If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.

Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.

'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.

The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.

Napalm is an area support weapon.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.

Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.

The one item you need is always in short supply.

Interchangeable parts aren't.

It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.

When in doubt, empty your magazine.

The side with the simplest uniforms wins.

Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.

If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together.

Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.

The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.

If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them.

Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

Well .. It could be worse: It could be raining .. and we could be out in it.

So he said, "Cheer up: it could be worse!" So we cheered up. And it got worse.

The side with the simplest uniform wins...

The spare batteries for the PRC-whatever your troops have been carrying are either nearly dead or for the wrong radio.

The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches above the flexmount, while a fire mission was being called in on a battalion of hostiles who know your position.

Why is it the CO sticks his head in your radio hooch to see if anything has come down from DIV when you are listening to the VOA broadcasting the baseball games?

How come you are on one frequency when everyone else is on another?

Why does your 500-watt VRC-26 (real old) not make it across 200 miles while a ham with 50 watts on the same MARS frequency can be heard from Stateside?

Know why short RTOs have long whips on their radios? So someone can find them when they step in deep water.

The enemy "Always" times his attack, to the second you drop your pant's in the Latrine!!

The ammo you need "NOW"!! is on the "Next" airdrop!!

Inclement weather always begins AFTER you've already done PT.

A sudden downpour always occurs at the end of a summer field exercise--just in time coat all your equipment and camouflage with mud.

The best beach weather always occurs when you are in the field wearing MOPP 4.

There is no such thing as a blue sky during a company picnic.

There is no such thing as a cloudy sky when your unit needs to infiltrate enemy territory.

Road conditions are always red when it's time to convoy home.

Motor pools are always 20 degrees warmer than the rest of the post during the summer and 50 degrees colder in the winter.

Army training areas exist in a constant state of weather flux controlled by a deity with a truly cruel sense of humor--How do you think we got them so cheap?

The peak of Mt. Everest would flood if an Army unit was told to set up on it.

Hell really would freeze over if someone decided to conduct an exercise there.

The Port-a-Potty Postulate states that the likelihood of a hurricane, sandstorm, tsunami, or blizzard occurring immediately over your location is directly related to how bad you need to get to the portajohns at the other side of the campsite in the middle of the night.

The temperature always rises to 70 degrees AFTER you put on two layers of polypros, your bear suit, and all of your Gortex.

If you whine about the weather, someone else will always whine louder.

No matter how carefully you pack, a rucksack is always too small.

No matter how small, a rucksack is always too heavy.

No matter how heavy, a rucksack will never contain what you want.

No matter what you need, it's always at the bottom.

Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.

LEAST CREDIBLE SENTANCES-

The check is in the mail.

The trucks will be on the drop zone.

Of course I'll respect you in the morning.

 I'm from the government and I'm here to help you.

If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.


Law of Supply:You get the most of what you need the least.

There is no limit to how bad things can get.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on September 15, 2011, 18:10:47
Doctor at a health conference asked the audience, "Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of silence, a 70-year-old man sitting in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding cake.”

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

One Sunday morning, the Devil himself rampages into a small country church, and sends the parishoners and pastor fleeing for the hills. Except for one old man on the front pew.

The Devil comes over to him and says, "Do you KNOW who I AM!"

The old man replies, "Yep"

"You realize I could drag you down to an eternity of fiery torment RIGHT NOW!?"

"Yep"

"And you aren't scared of ME?!"

"Nope"

"...Why not??..."

"Been married to yer sister for 58 years"
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on September 15, 2011, 20:37:03
A psychiatrist conducted a group therapy session with four mothers. "You all have obsessions,". To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating and even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money and named your child Penny." He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and you named your child Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving...
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Journeyman on September 15, 2011, 20:49:44
Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations

Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
That's not a law of combat; it is, however, a law of redheads.   :nod:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on September 26, 2011, 11:48:15
Student:

Professor, how long should our answers be for the short answer section?


Professor

Hmmm....Approximately the length of woman's skirt....I'd say..

Student:

Huh?


Professor:

Long enough to cover the subject, but short enough to keep it interesting....
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on September 26, 2011, 16:52:57
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.lolfly.com%2Fimages%2F912%2Fsource%2Foh_sorry_i_thought_paper_would_protect_you-814-1.jpeg&hash=8788e5020d501a0f6165b725a33f4035)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on September 27, 2011, 16:31:06
.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on September 27, 2011, 20:00:59
.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GnyHwy on September 27, 2011, 20:22:33
1
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on September 27, 2011, 20:42:47
It works!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on September 27, 2011, 20:47:11
I just finished making a time machine.  I'm going to go back in time five minutes to see if it works.  Wish me luck!   :salute:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Journeyman on September 27, 2011, 20:47:50
It works!
Viagra?  The "does this smell like chloroform" pick-up line?  The priest costume?   :-\
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on September 27, 2011, 20:55:43
Viagra?  The "does this smell like chloroform" pick-up line?  The priest costume?   :-\

Should have waited a few minutes......


 :rofl:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hamish Seggie on September 27, 2011, 21:46:38
I just finished making a time machine.  I'm going to go back in time five minutes to see if it works.  Wish me luck!   :salute:


And I thought I was nuts.....I've been bested. *sigh* :(
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 211RadOp on September 27, 2011, 22:39:56
Quite possible for some people.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on September 29, 2011, 20:04:08
Raisin Bread

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store.  Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.  "I'd like some raisin bread please!", the man says.

The shop assistant climbs up the ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.  The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.  When she descends the ladder, he decides that he would really like two loaves.

After she retrieves the second loaf of bread and descends the ladder, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"  Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.  Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on September 29, 2011, 20:23:09
Giant Rick Perry Chia head for sale.  ;D   


http://blog.chron.com/rickperry/2011/09/giant-rick-perry-chia-head-for-sale/#loopBegin
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on September 30, 2011, 16:54:30
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fa3.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F317841_253299221372924_100000785456595_635098_1478989394_n.jpg&hash=441edcfda4e8764d6a81901859589852)

 (https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fbestsmileys.com%2Fsick%2F7.gif&hash=d3e4061172971aef3544049c7515cbcc)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on October 01, 2011, 11:42:48
GPS system online (http://www.darnay.com/iec/features/locator/index.html)

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: RemembranceDay on October 01, 2011, 14:29:34
GPS system online (http://www.darnay.com/iec/features/locator/index.html)

 ;D
Love it!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Retired AF Guy on October 02, 2011, 11:29:18
As they say, a picture is worth a thousand words!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on October 02, 2011, 11:58:20
Some old clips:

http://videos2view.net/conway-carson.htm (http://videos2view.net/conway-carson.htm)

http://videos2view.net/oklahoma.htm (http://videos2view.net/oklahoma.htm)  <------ Back when you could drink and smoke on TV.   ;)

http://videos2view.net/burnett-conway.htm (http://videos2view.net/burnett-conway.htm)



Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: medicineman on October 02, 2011, 12:02:53
As they say, a picture is worth a thousand words!

I wonder where the mommy is…
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: recceguy on October 02, 2011, 22:39:50
SENSITIVITY TRAINING

The  room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The  class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the  women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give  the necessary help and assurance to their partners at  this stage of the pregnancy.

She said,   "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking  is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic  muscles and will make delivery that much easier.   Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay  on a soft surface like grass or a path."

She  looked at the men in the room, "Gentlemen, remember --  you're in this together.  It wouldn't hurt you to  go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience  would be good for you both."

The room suddenly  got very quiet as the men absorbed this  information.

After a few moments, a man named  Gary at the back of the  room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes," said the  Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be  all right if she carries a golf bag while we  walk?"

This kind of sensitivity just can't be  taught.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on October 02, 2011, 22:48:35
Well......that strengthens her back muscles also.....no?
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: RemembranceDay on October 02, 2011, 23:02:07

"I was just wondering if it would be  all right if she carries a golf bag while we  walk?"

Slap-worthy.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on October 02, 2011, 23:07:38
Slap-worthy.

Theres a laugh right there: spousal abuse.

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: RemembranceDay on October 02, 2011, 23:55:57
Theres a laugh right there: spousal abuse.


Exactly :P
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: recceguy on October 03, 2011, 00:40:48
Slap-worthy.

With a glove? Like a challenge?
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GnyHwy on October 03, 2011, 01:26:15
All I can think about is the movie Head of State with Bernie Mac.  Very funny scene.  Slapping at its best.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OFaaVrqxqTc (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OFaaVrqxqTc)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on October 05, 2011, 09:27:11
Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.  Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth.  Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.  So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.  His eyes rolled back, he went limp.  I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

It was that snake, with two more frogs.

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fbestsmileys.com%2Ffishing%2F2.gif&hash=809ade5840d2645eeb8eeddc5592c94f)

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on October 05, 2011, 20:15:44
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.  Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill!

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.  Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark, you put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."  After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Diamondwillow on October 05, 2011, 20:32:58
"I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

 ;D

HAHAHAH!!! Thank you for that laugh! :) :rofl: :rofl:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on October 05, 2011, 20:44:36
HAHAHAH!!! Thank you for that laugh! :) :rofl: :rofl:

Even better, I got that email from a 70+ year old male.   ;)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on October 07, 2011, 12:17:23
I’m Under Arrest for What? Fifty Bizarre U.S. Laws
By: Annie Tucker Morgan
Article Link (http://www.divinecaroline.com/22323/99603-i-m-arrest-what-fifty-bizarre)

I’ve never claimed to have extensive knowledge of U.S. legislation throughout history, but it’s safe to say that I and most people I associate with are law-abiding citizens … or not. As it turns out, every state in this country has at least one wacky legal stipulation that could land residents in hot water if they don’t comply. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Alabama
It’s illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.

Alaska
Whispering in someone’s ear while he’s moose hunting is prohibited.

Arizona
Cutting down a cactus may earn you a twenty-five-year prison term.

Arkansas
It’s illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas.

California
You may not eat an orange in your bathtub.

Colorado
It’s unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor (Denver).

Connecticut
A pickle cannot actually be a pickle unless it bounces.

Delaware
It’s illegal to get married on a dare.

Washington, D.C.
It’s against the law to post a public notice calling someone a coward for refusing to accept a challenge to duel.

Florida
If you tie an elephant to a parking meter, you must pay the same parking fee as you would for a vehicle.

Georgia
It’s illegal to change the clothes on a storefront mannequin unless you draw the shades first.

Hawaii
All residents may be fined for not owning a boat.

Idaho
A man must not give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing fewer than fifty pounds.

Illinois
It’s illegal to take a French poodle to the opera (Chicago).

Indiana
The value of pi is 4, and not 3.1415

Kansas
It’s illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits (Natoma).

Kentucky
Every citizen is required to take a shower once a year.

Louisiana
Biting someone with your natural teeth constitutes simple assault, but biting someone with your false teeth classifies as aggravated assault.

Maine
If you keep your Christmas decorations on display after January 14, you’ll be fined.

Maryland
It’s against the law to wash or scrub a sink, no matter how dirty it is (Baltimore).

Massachusetts
No gorilla is allowed in the backseat of any car.

Michigan
A woman may not cut her own hair without her husband’s permission.

Minnesota
It’s illegal to paint a sparrow with the intent of selling it as a parakeet (Harper Woods).

Mississippi
Walking a dog without dressing it in diapers is forbidden (Temperance).

Missouri
Children may buy shotguns in Kansas City, but not toy cap guns.

Montana
It’s a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail.

Nebraska
Bar owners may not sell beer unless they brew a kettle of soup simultaneously.

Nevada
It’s illegal for men with mustaches to kiss women.

New Hampshire
It’s forbidden to sell the clothes you’re wearing to pay off a gambling debt.

New Jersey
It’s against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.

New Mexico
Females may not appear unshaven in public.

New York
While riding in an elevator, you must talk to no one, fold your hands, and look toward the door.

North Carolina
It’s against the law to sing off-key.

North Dakota
It’s illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.

Ohio
You must honk the horn whenever you pass another car, according to the state’s driver’s education manual.

Oklahoma
It’s forbidden to take a bite out of another person’s hamburger.

Oregon
State law requires dishes to be drip-dried.

Pennsylvania
It’s illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors.

Rhode Island
You may not bite off another person’s leg.

South Carolina
If a man promises to marry an unmarried woman, he is required by law to keep his promise.

South Dakota
It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.

Tennessee
Selling hollow logs is strictly forbidden.

Texas
You may not shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.

Utah
It is illegal not to drink milk.

ermont
Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

Virginia
Tickling a woman is unlawful.

Washington
It’s illegal to pretend that one’s parents are wealthy.

West Virginia
If you make fun of someone who does not accept a challenge, you risk a six-month prison sentence.

Wisconsin
Unless a customer specifically requests it, margarine may not be substituted for butter in a restaurant.

Wyoming
Unless you have an official permit, you may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April.
end
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on October 07, 2011, 15:18:11
Subject: Navy SEAL Quote of the Week


The Strong Silent Type!

Dana Perrino ( Fox News) describing an interview she recently had with a Navy SEAL. After discussing all the countries he had been sent to, she asked if they had to learn several languages?


His reply:

"Oh no ma'am, we don't go there to talk."

http://www.sodahead.com/united-states/navy-seal-quote-of-the-week-love-it-or-hate-it/question-2173621/



Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on October 11, 2011, 11:57:01
Survey says: these vacation complaints are ridiculous (http://tripified.ca/2011/10/survey-says-these-vacation-complaints-are-ridiculous-.html)

(From an actual survey by the UK's Thomas Cook Holidays and the Association of British Travel Agents)

1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

2. "My fiance and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

3. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

5. "A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel 'inadequate.' "

6. "The beach was too sandy."

7. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

8. "We bought Ray-Ban sunglasses for five Euros (about $3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

9. "No one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

10. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It only took the Americans three hours to get home."

11. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

12. "I was bitten by a mosquito -- no-one said they could bite."


Some people should just stay home......    ::)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: FlyingDutchman on October 11, 2011, 14:48:37
Please note I am of Dutch ancestry.
Me: I crave the food of my ancestors!
Wife: Tacos?
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Bluebulldog on October 11, 2011, 16:43:35
DEAD COW LECTURE
First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy
class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table
with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine
it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first
is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body".


For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the
******* of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on
it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "the
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's
tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: RemembranceDay on October 11, 2011, 21:50:07
DEAD COW LECTURE
First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy
class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table
with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine
it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first
is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body".


For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the
******* of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on
it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "the
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's
tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.."


I LOVE IT!!!! :D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hammer Sandwich on October 12, 2011, 11:58:01
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'


 :dunno:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on October 12, 2011, 14:06:48
Video: Family lost in corn maze calls 911
AP Video
Published Wednesday, Oct. 12, 2011 12:33PM EDT
Article Link (http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/video/video-family-lost-in-corn-maze-calls-911/article2198607/)

A Massachusetts couple with two young kids has trouble navigating through a corn maze, so they call 911 for help. It took a police officer and his K-9 about 10 minutes to find them in Danvers, Mass. spread.
end
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: SARgirl on October 14, 2011, 22:15:59
Quote
Miss USA 2011 — Should Math Be Taught In Schools?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9QBv2CFTSWU
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on October 14, 2011, 22:33:32
I've now experienced seeing a multitude of vacuums ................
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: FlyingDutchman on October 15, 2011, 12:06:07
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9QBv2CFTSWU
Ow, my brain.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on October 15, 2011, 12:47:40
PENSION SEX

Two men were talking.  'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'
'Pension sex?'   
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'
         
LOUD SEX   

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem, doctor.  Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.'
'My dear,' the  shrink said, 'that's completely natural.  I don't see what the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'

QUIET SEX
 
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, 'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'
 
SEX & ARGUMENTS

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary  The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'
 
'Yeah,' she  replied, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'
 
WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
 
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.'
 
He was right.  When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
 
ELDERLY SEX
 
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
 
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor.  I figured that at 92, if he could have sex, he could also fly.'
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on October 15, 2011, 12:55:39
And the hits just keep on coming.......

Comments made by State Troopers taken off their car videos:


1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."


2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.  They'll stretch after you wear them a while."


3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."


4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."


5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?  Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."


6. "You don't know how fast you were going?  I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"


7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.  Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"


8. "Warning! You want a warning?  O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."


9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.  Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"


10. "Fair? You want me to be fair?  Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."


11. "Yeah, we have a quota.  Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."


12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."


13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"


14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore.  We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."


15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours.  So you know someone who can post your bail."


16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?  You're right, we don't.  Sign here."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: jollyjacktar on October 15, 2011, 16:16:47
Hammer Sandwich, looks like you have some competition in the cbt satire field.  At least they know they are trying to be over the top.   Unlike your moron.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ES9QxE3sUaw&NR=1
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: jollyjacktar on October 15, 2011, 16:34:20
Iron Man dancing in a park.  Pretty good moves I must say.  http://www.jokeroo.com/videos/funny/iron-man-dance.html
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: NinerSix on October 16, 2011, 00:54:45
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FrAIFP2pfew
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on October 16, 2011, 10:47:35
The Mississippi Squirrel Revival (http://travisab1.multiply.com/video/item/73/The_Mississippi_Squirrel_Revival.flv)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on October 17, 2011, 11:44:49
Oxymorons   
Aug 30, '11

20. Government Organization

19. Alone Together

18. Personal Computer

17. Silent Scream

16. Living Dead

15. Small Crowd

14. Taped Live

13. Plastic Glasses

12. Tight Slacks

11. Peace Force

10. Pretty Ugly

9. Head But

8. Working Vacation

7. Tax Return

6. Virtual Reality

5. Dodge Ram

4. Work Party

3. Hard Water

2. Healthy Tan

1. Microsoft Works
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hammer Sandwich on October 18, 2011, 07:37:31
Hammer Sandwich, looks like you have some competition in the cbt satire field.  At least they know they are trying to be over the top.   Unlike your moron.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ES9QxE3sUaw&NR=1

 :rofl: That was friggin' hilarious! That dude is MEGA-tactical, no doubt about it!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on October 18, 2011, 11:11:18
McGuinty's Chauffeur

Dalton McGuinty was touring the countryside in his chauffeur-driven limo.  Suddenly, a donkey jumps out onto the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

McGuinty says to the chauffeur: "You get out and check, you were driving."  The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

"You were driving; go and tell the farmer," says McGuinty.

Hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

"My god, what happened to you?" asks McGuinty.

The chauffeur replies: "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of whiskey, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say to them?" asks McGuinty.

"I knocked on the door, and when they answered, I said to them, 'I'm Dalton McGuinty's chauffeur and I've just killed the jackass'."

 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: jollyjacktar on October 18, 2011, 15:26:36
From Jerry Springer.  I'm happy I cut off my legs...  Call me sick, but I was laughing at some of it.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=DA43DS2c12c
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on October 19, 2011, 15:03:55
A newfie was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds. "

When the newfie returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!

"Why, that's amazing", the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The newfie nodded. "I'll tell you though, be jaesuz, I taut I were going to drop dead on dat 'tird day.."

"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from the ******' skippin'. "
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Max Power on October 19, 2011, 23:01:46
He's back with another spoken word album...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKo4FMzt_hM (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKo4FMzt_hM)

Indescribable.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on October 20, 2011, 10:52:54
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. On of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times. Soloman, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, the threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would turture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In medevil time most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and versus and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interes in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest write of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is only famous because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tried to convince Macbeth to kill the Kind by attack his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal for them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse devided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest president. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Graity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. The the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplary of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.

The following above is a "history" collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot of incorrect information.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on October 20, 2011, 21:55:59
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs3.amazonaws.com%2Fiwsmt.smellmybacon.com%2FOctober-04-2011-03-55-21-ANDTHATISALLInfinitePicdump84s577x320243193580.jpeg&hash=8fb3bdcf42b5c45409b535b162c329b0)

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs3.amazonaws.com%2Fiwsmt.smellmybacon.com%2FSeptember-25-2011-18-01-16-ScreenShot20110924at11.jpg&hash=fe746870ad727f9a534d2b652ad0092f)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: FlyingDutchman on October 20, 2011, 22:10:53
Only three? Tsk tsk, people lack imagination these days.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on October 21, 2011, 13:07:15
Suicide Incentives

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Let's see now... No Jesus, No Christmas, No television, No cheerleaders, No Nude Women, No car races, No football, No soccer, No pork BBQ, No hot dogs, No burgers, No chocolate chip cookies, No lobster, No nachos, No Beer nuts, No Beer !!!!!!!! Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower. On your knees facing east most of the day. More than one wife. You can't shave. Your wives can't shave. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung. Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey, and is uglier than your goat. Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

I mean, really, is there a mystery here?

British Suicide Bombers on Strike!

Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda Central announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25%, from 72 to only 54, effective immediately. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and the subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife, coupled with other factors contributing to a decline in the virgin supply. The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Mustapha Fook told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in our teeth."

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace and a difficult economy. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife, which is not helped by the downturn in the economy which is driving virgins to cash in their chastity. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting compensation, but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle, Middlesborough, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in our areas anyway."

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has also been attributed to the emergence and popularity of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are less keen on rushing to paradise.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: jollyjacktar on October 21, 2011, 16:46:52
 :rofl:  Excellent!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on October 24, 2011, 13:51:57
Drinking and Driving In newfoundland

Two Newfies, Bob and Gary, were driving down the road drinking a couple of beers.
The passenger, Gary, suddenly said, 'Lord tundering.... up ahead -- it's a police
roadblock!! We're gonna get busted for drinkin' dese here beers!!'

'Don't worry,' Bob said. 'We'll just pull over and finish dese beers, then peel off the label, stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.'

'What fer?'

'Jist let me do de talkin', OK?'

So they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight and put a label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the police officer took a long look at the two of them and said, 'You boys been drinkin'?'

'No sir,' said Bob, pointing at the labels.

'We're on the patch.'
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on October 25, 2011, 03:34:32
Tequila

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.  Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
           
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.  Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.  His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.  He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?" 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on October 26, 2011, 13:54:12
Zimbabwean man claims prostitute turned to donkey
Article Link (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/8850298/Zimbabwean-man-claims-prostitute-turned-to-donkey.html)
26 Oct 2011

A Zimbabwean man has told a court that he hired a prostitute who during the night transformed into a donkey, and that he is now "seriously in love" with the animal, according to state media.

"I think I am also a donkey. I do not know what happened when I left the bar, but I am seriously in love with (the) donkey," Sunday Moyo told the court, according to The Herald newspaper.

Moyo, 28, was arrested in the town of Zvishavane, about 185 miles south of the capital Harare on Sunday.

He said he had paid $25 for a prostitute, and was surprised Sunday morning when he heard people accusing him of having sex with a donkey.

Moyo has been charged with bestiality and remanded in custody. The court has ordered him to undergo a mental examination, The Herald said.
end
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on October 26, 2011, 14:44:46
Zimbabwean man claims prostitute turned to donkey
Article Link (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/8850298/Zimbabwean-man-claims-prostitute-turned-to-donkey.html)
26 Oct 2011

A Zimbabwean man has told a court that he hired a prostitute who during the night transformed into a donkey, and that he is now "seriously in love" with the animal, according to state media.

"I think I am also a donkey. I do not know what happened when I left the bar, but I am seriously in love with (the) donkey," Sunday Moyo told the court, according to The Herald newspaper.

Moyo, 28, was arrested in the town of Zvishavane, about 185 miles south of the capital Harare on Sunday.

He said he had paid $25 for a prostitute, and was surprised Sunday morning when he heard people accusing him of having sex with a donkey.

Moyo has been charged with bestiality and remanded in custody. The court has ordered him to undergo a mental examination, The Herald said.
end
Makes as much sense to me as men who think they are women (and vice versa)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Retired AF Guy on October 26, 2011, 21:29:35
PMedMoe and Rifleman62 - thank you for enlivening my evening! Hilarious!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Retired AF Guy on October 26, 2011, 21:42:10
A long time ago, in a place far, far away; things started to go to hell:

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on October 28, 2011, 11:01:44

How Dumb Is This?

The Muslims are not happy!
They're not happy in Gaza ..
They're not happy in Egypt ..
They're not happy in Libya ..
They're not happy in Morocco ..
They're not happy in Iran ..
They're not happy in Iraq ..
They're not happy in Yemen ..
They're not happy in Afghanistan ..
They're not happy in Pakistan ..
They're not happy in Syria ..
They're not happy in Lebanon ..
 
So, where are they happy?
They're happy in Australia ..
They're happy in England ..
They're happy in France ..
They're happy in Italy ..
They're happy in Germany ..
They're happy in Sweden ..
They're happy in the USA ..
They're happy in Norway ..
They're happy in every country that is not Muslim.
 
And who do they blame?
Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.
 
THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!
And they want to change them to be like the country they came from. How dumb can you get?
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Gasplug on October 28, 2011, 16:30:51
An old Marine Pilot sat down at a Starbucks, wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket. He ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Steadman's, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Gasplug  :salute:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hammer Sandwich on October 28, 2011, 23:22:29
How Dumb Is This?

Call it a "hate crime", but I appreciate the humour and irony in this.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Retired AF Guy on October 31, 2011, 21:00:14
A Halloween Treat:

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on November 01, 2011, 10:08:22

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little
5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you
believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift
of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a
Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in
all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day
observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," 
adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with
her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and
gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay
envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her
mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received
to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally
impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own
pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I
worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house
next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on
the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever
deliver the damn sheet rock."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?
 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on November 03, 2011, 10:41:20
While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.
 
And then He made the earth round.
 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on November 03, 2011, 13:10:27
A marine was deployed to Afghanistan. while he was there, he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the

letter, she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone, and she wanted to break up with

him. She also wanted the pictures of herself back.So the marine did what any other man would do. He went around to his

buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 24 pictures of women (with

clothes and without) to his ex-girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your

picture and send the rest back"
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: krustyrl on November 03, 2011, 14:20:03
touche     :evil:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 57Chevy on November 05, 2011, 23:54:49
LOL

Newsroom: Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9U4Ha9HQvMo&feature=related

* language warning
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Cardstonkid on November 08, 2011, 16:24:50
The Canadian Forces recently hired several cannibals.

"You are all part of our team now", said the career manager, during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the mess for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the soldiers".

The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their colonel remarked " You are working very hard, and I am very satisfied with you, however, one of our techs has disappeared, do you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the Colonel had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the tech?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader shouted," You fool..! For four weeks we've been eating officers and no one has noticed, but noooooo..., you had to go and eat someone important!"
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on November 09, 2011, 12:33:33
Perhaps not intentionally meant to be funny, but I found these descriptions of winter drivers in The Globe and Mail's "Road Sage.

Article Link (http://www.theglobeandmail.com/globe-drive/car-life/road-sage/winter-driving-for-dummies/article2229244/)

Road Sage Winter Driving Dictionary

All Season:
This driver is as constant as the Northern Star. He drives the same (badly) in all weather conditions and he has the all-season tires to prove it. You are most likely to spot this driver sliding toward you across two lanes atop a few inches of snow covering a layer of ice.

Braker Braker:
Oh my god! Is that a car behind me? I BETTER SLAM ON THE BRAKES! Is there a tiny bit of snow falling? I BETTER SLAM ON MY BRAKES! Is it sunny? SLAM ON THE BRAKES! Nothing bad can happen as long as I SLAM ON THE BRAKES!

The Expert:
“I don't worry about winter driving. I know how to drive in winter. If you know how to drive it's okay to go 80 km/h in a 40 km/h zone during a blizzard. No, I never went to skid school or trained but I've watched tons of winter driving videos on YouTube. Who has time to learn how to drive in the winter? I'm too busy driving in winter.”

Greenhouse Effect:
You know what's super confusing? The defrost system of an automobile. Just how precisely do they work? I mean, the button says “defrost” and also has a picture symbolizing the act of defrosting but what does that really mean? The Greenhouse Effect is easy to locate – just look for an automobile that has windows so fogged up with icy humidity that the motorist operating it is effectively blind. Generally the driver is peering through a small hole the size of a snowball.

The Igloo:
While the rest of us wrestle with scrapers and brushes, the Igloo driver deals with a snowfall by running a gloved hand across his windshield – then He's good to go. These rolling DQ ice cream cakes can be found in every town and city. They have zero visibility but don't worry the snow and ice eventually melts off – around May.

Pride and Prejudice and 4-Wheel Drive:
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good 4WD vehicle must believe that he has better stopping power than other drivers. However false this feeling – 4WD only provides better traction to accelerate to high speeds. They can't stop any faster than two-wheeled vehicles – such men can be seen in every neighbourhood ripping down streets and crashing into stop signs or flying into highway ditches.

The Great Unwashed:
Just as men of a certain age are afraid to go out in the cold with wet hair, this driver is afraid to have his car washed during the winter. He is also loath to keep a spare jug of washer fluid in the trunk. The result? Dusty Beyond-Thunder-Dome vision-impaired cars that look as if they have been spray-painted with a combination of cat litter and glue.

Wiper Disciple:
A strange breed, the Wiper Disciple believes that any and all winter-related obstacles can be dealt with by turning on your windshield wipers. Facing a snow storm? Turn on wipers. Blizzard and freezing rain? Turn on wipers really fast. Black ice? Turn on wipers and two squirts of washer fluid. Can usually be found staring, mesmerized at their windshield wipers as they rock hypnotically back and forth.
___________________________________________________________________________________

I see the Braker Brakers all the time on dry pavement.  Drives me nuts.  Maybe they should get their brakes checked if they don't trust them.

Edit to add:  Some good ones also in the comment section to this article.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: jollyjacktar on November 09, 2011, 13:15:16
Troops ( Bad boys) Stormtrooper cops    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqF_CVQ_U_I&feature=related   

Been years since I saw this one.  It's still good for a laugh.  Enjoy  ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on November 15, 2011, 10:56:20
New Immigration Policy

To save the economy, on January 1, 2012, Prime Minister Harper will announce that he is ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Canada Pension, Old Age Security, and Medical costs.
   

They found that old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home!

 

I started crying when I thought of you.

 

 

(See you on the bus)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Cardstonkid on November 15, 2011, 15:27:01
Frank goes to work and gingerly sits down in his cubical. His co-worker Ken asks, "What's wrong?"

Franks replied " I don't want to talk about it"

Ken asks, "why are you limping and why do you have a black eye? Did you get mugged?"

"All right then, I will tell you, but don't ell anyone, its embarrassing." Frank said. "You know I sing in my church choir right?"

"Yes" Ken says.

"Well I sit behind this big woman, and she has a huge butt. Well you know how it is sometimes when a big woman stands up and her dress gets stuck in her butt cheeks?

"Sure" Ken replied.

"Well the big girl stood up and her dress was all in her butt,  I felt bad for her and I reached up and pulled it out , so she wouldn't be embarrassed."

"You didn't!" Ken exclaimed.

"I did, and she laid a beating on me I will never forget. I think she broke my ribs, bruised my tailbone and  broke my nose!"

"I guess you will know to never to do that again eh Frank?" Ken said.


A month later Ken cam to work with an arm in a cast, a patch over an eye and two black eyes.

Ken upon seeing this said, "Oh my god, what happened? Did you total your car?"

"I don't want to talk about it" Frank moaned.

"You didn't do what I think you did, did you?" Ken asked.

"No, it's even worse! The big choir woman stood up and her dress was all caught up in her butt again. The guy next to me saw it, and he reached up and pulled it out. I remembered how much she hated that, so I pushed it right back up again!"
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on November 16, 2011, 10:32:31
And They Say Canadians Don't Brag.....
 
So, what do we Canadians have to be Proud of?
1. Smarties (not sold in the USA)
2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp
(not sold in the USA)
3. The size of our footballs fields, one less
down, and bigger balls.
4. Baseball is Canadian - 1st game
June 4, 1838 - Ingersoll, ON
5. Lacrosse is Canadian
6. Hockey is Canadian
7. Basketball is Canadian
8. Apple pie is Canadian
9. Mr. Dress-up beats Mr. Rogers
10. Tim Hortons beats Dunkin' Donuts
11. In the war of 1812, started by America , Canadians pushed the Americans back past
their White House. Then we burned it, and
most of Washington ...
We got bored because they ran away.
Then, we came home and partied....
Go figure.
12. Canada has the largest French population
that never surrendered to Germany.
13. We have the largest English population
that never surrendered or withdrew
during any war to anyone, anywhere. EVER!
(We got clobbered in the odd battle but
prevailed in ALL the wars)
14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and
lasted a little over an hour.
15. The only person who was arrested in our
civil war was an American mercenary who
slept in and missed the whole thing.
He showed up just in time to get caught.
16. A Canadian invented Standard Time.
17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned
Over 10% of the earth's surface and is still
around as the world's oldest company.
18. The average dog sled team can kill and
devour a human in under 3 minutes.
(More information than we need!)
19. We know what to do with the parts
of a buffalo.
20. We don't marry our kin-folk...
21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, Velcro,
zippers, insulin, penicillin and the telephone.
And short wave radios which save countless
lives each year.
22. We have ALL frozen our tongues to
something metal and lived to tell about it.
23. A Canadian invented Superman.
24. We have coloured money.
25. Our beer advertisements kick ***
... as does our beer.
AND MOST IMPORTANT ....
The handles on our beer cases are big enough for hands with mitts on.
Oh..... Canada!
Oh yeah... and our elections only take one day!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: WR on November 16, 2011, 10:58:25
Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep crap now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

 The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"


Moral of this story...

                             
Don't mess with the old dogs.... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull crap and brilliance only come with age and experience
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on November 16, 2011, 17:50:19
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination 
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large  pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs              (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery               (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow                                  (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..                (wtf!)                                                   

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium            (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.               (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.           (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.            (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight   (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on November 16, 2011, 22:54:19
From a friend on FB.  It takes a Canadian to help Americans have a safer Thanksgiving.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYkRF_FmD40&feature=share (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYkRF_FmD40&feature=share)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on November 18, 2011, 10:57:26
Police Officer in the UK

Question:

How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?
Answer:

First — let's pose the following question:

- You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night.
- Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you.
- You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.
- What do you do?
 
BRITISH POLICE OFFICER:
 
Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
4) Am I dressed provocatively?
5) Could I run away?
6) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
7) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?
8) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
9) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? .
13) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?
 
AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER:

BANG!
 
AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!   'click' . . .

(Sergeant arrives at scene later and remarks: 'Nice grouping!').
 
 
 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GnyHwy on November 18, 2011, 21:00:00
From a friend on FB.  It takes a Canadian to help Americans have a safer Thanksgiving.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYkRF_FmD40&feature=share (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYkRF_FmD40&feature=share)

Another turkey themed funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xc5wIpUenQ&ob=av3e (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xc5wIpUenQ&ob=av3e)

These guys are from Quebec and have some great youtube vids.  All their vids are food based.  Either follow this link or type "epic meal time" into youtube.

FYI, I'm making this sucker someday.  I'll put this in the manly thread too.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on November 19, 2011, 11:02:28
FYI, I'm making this sucker someday.  I'll put this in the manly thread too.

One of these days, I'm going to hit New Orleans (again) at Thanksgiving or Christmas/New Year's and have turducken (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-Co1Ecv_8g).   :nod:  Bacon would just improve that.   ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on November 19, 2011, 12:50:52
I Just F****** Shot Myself - The Musical  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XTGmTrQXrwg)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: jollyjacktar on November 19, 2011, 14:09:30
 :rofl:  Gotta love Tex!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on November 19, 2011, 20:23:14
THE OLDER WOMAN

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

'What's that?' I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

I said, 'No,' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.

I went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'
 
 




 
 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Tuna on November 20, 2011, 00:21:53
I stole some of these for future use  >:D, i didn't read through the whole thing but here is one (if you don't have it)
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fverydemotivational.files.wordpress.com%2F2010%2F02%2Fthemuzzleofatankp1.jpg&hash=32dcd4901e4ddaafc55ff2fced6b7073)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on November 21, 2011, 22:55:04
Places I have and have not been


I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: A.Bottoms on November 22, 2011, 00:52:09
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi690.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fvv266%2FSrjiba_RoyalGuards%2F633497734174771394-lumberjack-comma.jpg&hash=01de923e96b6465636a32460153a4d98)
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmotivatedphotos.com%2F%3Fid%3D11490&hash=8592438341854e078778e5bf264524c2)

i thought you weren't allowed any facial hair in the forces?
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Occam on November 22, 2011, 01:24:58
i thought you weren't allowed any facial hair in the forces?

Where did you get that idea?
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: dangerboy on November 22, 2011, 09:24:37
Just to end this tangent and get back to the jokes.

From the dress manual:

Subject to procedures established
by commanders of commands,
permission to wear a beard shall
only be granted to all ranks who
wear the naval uniform, wherever
serving; all ranks on strength of an
infantry pioneer platoon; adherents
of the Sikh religion (see Section 3);
and personnel, on the direction of a
medical officer, subject to medical
reassessment at intervals not
exceeding six months. Other
personnel shall shave off their
beards.

Now lets get back to the jokes
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Loachman on November 22, 2011, 13:39:41
Moustaches and eyebrows are alright too.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on November 22, 2011, 13:48:58
Moustaches and eyebrows are alright too.
They are?  Damn...too late!!!!  :(
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: FlyingDutchman on November 22, 2011, 15:38:30
You know, there was always something odd about Lassie to me...
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Tuna on November 22, 2011, 15:44:15
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.cheezburger.com%2Fcompletestore%2F2010%2F7%2F21%2Ffd3280c8-d7c2-40e1-aa32-f7fab4520b9e.jpg&hash=f5746d40d7e54e04e8543a840a6fcbe9)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Tuna on November 22, 2011, 15:47:53
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.cheezburger.com%2Fcompletestore%2F2011%2F7%2F14%2F5abb8a6b-143a-4bb5-bb20-4545732856d8.jpg&hash=e6107c66ca6bced20b2aaf92c68a7f9c)

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fverydemotivational.files.wordpress.com%2F2010%2F05%2F129188159549002100.jpg&hash=1bfb2db8da8292f960d8c70872230c82)

sorry for making 2 posts
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Canadian.Trucker on November 22, 2011, 15:58:05
Imagine that guy on the phone, "Sgt Maj. you'll never guess what Jenkins did this time"

STUD ROOSTER
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,  "OK old fart,Time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it, You are washed up And I am taking over." 

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." 

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start." 

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.  They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.  He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!  The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.  The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit..... . Third gay rooster I bought this month." 

Moral of this Story? .... 
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery 
Always overcome youth and arrogance! 
OLD  DUDES RULE

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: mariomike on November 22, 2011, 16:16:31
Speaking of roosters and hens, that reminds me of an old joke.

"The President and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown separately around an experimental government farm. When Mrs. Coolidge came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, “Dozens of times each day.” Mrs. Coolidge said, “Tell that to the President when he comes by.” Upon being told, the President asked, “Same hen every time?” The reply was, “Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time.” President: “Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.”
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Tuna on November 22, 2011, 16:42:04
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.wikia.com%2Fwikiality%2Fimages%2F1%2F1d%2FMoarbearcavalry.jpg&hash=64d56fb15ca2240cf1504909c33a8f71)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hamish Seggie on November 22, 2011, 17:47:12
Crack suicide squad:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_12E1EN6fs
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on November 22, 2011, 18:51:37
 
THE MARITIMES THROUGH THE EYES OF JEFF FOXWORTHY:
 
If your local Tasty Treat is closed from September through May, you may live in the Maritimes. If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't even work there, you may live in the Maritimes. If you've worn shorts and a jacket at the same time, you may live in the Maritimes. If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with s...omeone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in the Maritimes. If "vacation" means going anywhere south of Saint John for the weekend, you may live in the Maritimes. If you measure distance in hours, you may live in the Maritimes. If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in the Maritimes. If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you may live in the Maritimes. If you can drive 110 kms through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in the Maritimes. If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both doors unlocked, you may live in the Maritimes. If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in the Maritimes. If you design your kid's costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in the Maritimes. If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in the Maritimes. If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in the Maritimes. If you have more kms on your snow blower than your car, you may live in the Maritimes. If you find -12C degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Canada!! If you actually understand these jokes, repost this so all of your Maritime friends and others can see
 
 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on November 22, 2011, 18:59:02
Well, you can tell he's American.  We don't have "Tasty Treat" in the Maritimes.   ;)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Tuna on November 22, 2011, 19:11:28
Well, you can tell he's American.  We don't have "Tasty Treat" in the Maritimes.   ;)

never been to the maritimes, maybe they just went out of business haha
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Tuna on November 22, 2011, 19:16:04
(don't take these personally as they discriminate against all provinces equally)
some are a little dated but...


TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. Weed
2. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges
3. The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder
4. The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar
5. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown
6. A university with a nude beach
7. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations
8. If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash
9. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on
10. Cannabis
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. Big Rock
2. Preston Manning
3. Tax is 7 percent instead of approx. 200 percent
4. The Premier is a fat, wife-beating alcoholic with a grade 4 education
5. Flames vs. Oilers
6. Stamps vs. Eskies
7. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of
8. Eventually, it will be your town's turn to ban VLT's
9. The Americans below you are all in anti-government
militia groups
10. You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and
get away with it
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
1. You never run out of wheat
2. Those cool Saskatchewan Wheat Pool hats
3. Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning
4. Your province is really easy to draw
5. You never have to worry about roll-back if you have a standard
6. It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house
7. YOUR Roughriders survived
8. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours
9. People will assume you live on a farm
10. Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly have
beachfront property
2. Amusing town names like "Flin Flon" and "Winnipeg"
3. All your local bands make it big and move to Toronto
4. The only province to ever violently rebel against the
federal government
5. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes
6. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter
7. You don't need a car, just take the canoe to work
8. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood
9. Because of your license plate, you are still "friendly" even
when you cut someone off
10. Pass the time watching trucks and barns float by
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1. You live in the center of the universe
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election
4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Separatist
5. Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition
6. Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly
believe it's a cool city
7. The only province with hard-core American-style crime
8. MuchMusic's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV]
for a dollar
9. Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side
of your house
10. Mike Harris: basically a sober Ralph Klein
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
1. Everybody assumes you're an *******
2. Racism is socially acceptable
3. The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians
4. You can take bets with your friends on which English
neighbor will move out next
5. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada
6. The FLQ
7. Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys
8. The province with the oldest, nastiest hookers
9. NON-smokers are the outcasts
10. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo bastards"
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
1. You are sandwiched between French assholes and drunken
Celtic fiddlers
2. One way or another, the government gets 98 percent
of your income
3. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies
4. When listing the provinces, everyone forgets to mention yours
5. The economy is based on fish, cows, and ferrying Ontario
motorists to Boston
6. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick
7. You have French people, but they don't want to kill you
8. Everybody has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse
9. Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen
10. You probably live in a small seaside cottage with no television
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
1. The only place in North America to get bombed in the war ...
by a moron who set a munitions ship on fire
2. Your province is shaped like male genitalia
3. Everyone is a fiddle player
4. If someone asks if you're a Newfie, you are allowed to
kick their ***
5. The local hero is an insane, fiddle playing, sexual pervert
6. The province that produced Rita MacNeil, the world's
largest land mammal
7. You are the reason Anne Murray makes money
8. You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to
wear a kilt
9. The economy is based on fish, lobster, and fiddle music
10. Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is
considered Canada's most beautiful city
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE ON PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still
got the big-*** bridge
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour
3. You were probably once an extra on "Road to Avonlea"
4. This is where all those tiny red potatoes come from
5. The economy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV shows
6. Tourists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables" house,
then promptly leave
7. You can drive across the province in two minutes
8. It doesn't matter to you if Quebec separates
9. You don't share a border with the Americans, or with anyone
for that matter
10. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and
off at night
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. The poorest, stupidest, drunkest province in Confederation
2. If Quebec Separates, you will float off to sea
3. In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can
make them kiss a dead cod
4. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products
5. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse
6. You understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics
7. The work day is about two hours long
8. You are credited with many great inventions, like
the solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines
9. If someone asks if you're from Nova Scotia, you are allowed
to kick their ***
10. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on
your wedding day
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Journeyman on November 23, 2011, 10:41:50
A collection of six old cheatin' jokes

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying *******! You've been playing golf!'


The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen. He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'


The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'


The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'


The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?' 'A nickel,' the barman replied. 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.

'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'


The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'


Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on November 23, 2011, 12:18:42
The timing of this is American*, but still funny:  Thanksgiving as a kid VS Thanksgiving as an adult (http://theoatmeal.com/comics/thanksgiving)

*Since someone kindly pointed out to me that we Canadians have Thanksgiving too.   ;)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: FlyingDutchman on November 23, 2011, 18:23:28
...This is going to be a fun weekend.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Retired AF Guy on November 23, 2011, 23:24:05
Never saw this before: Weird Al" Yankovic's Star Wars parody of Don Mcleans "An American Pie."

 The Saga Begins  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hEcjgJSqSRU')

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on November 24, 2011, 08:33:47
For all you history buffs:  Facebook News Feed History of the World: World War I to World War II (http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6650094/facebook-news-feed-history-of-the-world-world-war-i-to-world-war-ii)

Check out the other world history news feeds at this link (http://www.collegehumor.com/tag/news-feed-history-of-the-world).   :nod:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Journeyman on November 25, 2011, 12:34:00
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.animated-gifs.eu%2F50-emoticons%2Fps-smilies-christmas.gif&hash=5695c7a279fe19a1a84c803c119427f1)

It's not looking good for the Nativity Scene on Parliament Hill this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason; they simply haven't been able to find Three Wise Men in Ottawa.

The search for a Virgin continues.


There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: WR on November 25, 2011, 23:34:25
From a Kijiji ad in Moncton, NB


http://newbrunswick.kijiji.ca/c-buy-and-sell-tools-equipment-11HP-29-Snowblower-W0QQAdIdZ332915918


Do you like shoveling snow? Then stop reading this and go back to your pushups and granola because you are not someone that I want to talk to.

Let’s face it, we live in a place that attracts snow like Magnetic Hill attracts cars, only that ain’t an illusion out there. That’s 12 inches of snow piling up and, oh, what’s that sound? Why it’s the snow plow and it’s here to let you know that it hates you and all the time you spent to shovel your driveway. Did you want to get out of your house today? Were you expecting to get to work on time? Or even this week?

You gave it your best shot. You tried to shovel by yourself and I respect you for that. I did it, my parents did it, some of my best friends did it. But deep down inside, we all wanted to murder that neighbor with the snowblower who was finished and on his second beer while you were still trying to throw snow over a snowbank taller than you are.

So, here we are. You could murder your neighbour, which could ensure that you won’t need to shovel a driveway for 25 to life, but there are downsides to that too. What to do?

Here’s the deal. I have a snow blower and I want you to own it. I can tell you’re serious about this. It’s like I can almost see you: sitting there, your legs are probably crossed and your left hand is on your chin. Am I right? How’d I do that? The same way that I know that YOU ARE GOING TO BUY THIS SNOWBLOWER.

I want you to experience the rush that comes with smashing through a snowdrift and blowing that mother trucker out of the way. The elation of seeing the snow plow come back down your street and watching the look of despair as your OTHER neighbour gets his shovel out once more while you kick back with a hot cup of joe (you don’t have a drinking problem like that other guy).

Here’s what you do. You go to the bank. You collect $900. You get your buddy with a truck and you drive over here. You give me some cold hard cash and I give you a machine that will mess up a snowbank sumthin’ fierce. I’ve even got the manual for it, on account of I bought it brand new and I don’t throw that kind of thing away. Don't want to pay me $900? Convince me. Send me an offer and I'll either laugh at you and you'll never hear back from me or I'll counter.

You want a snow blower. You need a snow blower.

This isn’t some entry level snow blower that is just gonna move the snow two feet away. This is an 11 HP Briggs and Stratton machine of snow doom that will cut a 29 inch path of pure ecstasy. And it’s only 4 years old. I dare you to find a harder working 4 year old. My niece is five and she gets tired and cranky after just a few minutes of shoveling. This guy just goes and goes and goes.

You know what else? I greased it every year to help keep the water off it and the body in as good as shape as possible. It's greasier than me when I was 13, and that's saying something.

You know how many speeds it has? Six forward and two in reverse. It goes from “leisurely” slow up to “light speed”. Seriously, I’ve never gone further than five because it terrifies me. I kid you not, you could probably commute to work with it dragging you.

You know what else is crappy about clearing snow in the morning? That you have to do it in the dark. Well, not anymore! It has a halogen headlight that will light your way like some kind of moveable lighthouse (only better, because lighthouses won’t clear your driveway).

Oh, and since it’s the 21st century, this snow blower comes with an electric starter. Just plug that sucker in, push the button, and get ready to punch snow in the throat. If you want to experience what life was like in olden days, it comes with a back-up cord you could pull to start it, but forget that. The reason you’re getting this fearsome warrior was for the convenience, so why make it harder on yourself?

By this point, you’re probably wondering why I would sell my snowblower since the first snowpocalypse is upon us today. I’ll tell you why: because I heard it was time for you to man up and harness some mighty teeth and claws and chew your way to freedom, that’s why.

This is my snow blower. Make it your snow blower.
 
UPDATE - I assure you that the snowblower is real, and it is still available.  Do not despair if you have made an offer on this glorious tribute to man's triumph over nature and I have not responded yet, your time has yet to come.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hammer Sandwich on November 26, 2011, 08:41:31
From a Kijiji ad in Moncton, NB.....
That is the best ad for anything, ever.

Wow.....
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: FlyingDutchman on November 26, 2011, 09:36:07
I want that snow blower, and I live in a place where I do not have to shovel, not to mention its on the other side of the country.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on November 26, 2011, 11:24:38
Bad Paid for Photos (http://photos.ellen.warnerbros.com/galleries/bad_paid_for_photos#139903)

The title says it all.   :nod:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on November 26, 2011, 11:49:52
Future wallmart people
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hammer Sandwich on November 26, 2011, 11:57:31
Bad Paid for Photos (http://photos.ellen.warnerbros.com/galleries/bad_paid_for_photos#139903)

The title says it all.   :nod:

Holy crap.  :rofl:

This one kinda gave me the heebie-jeebies.....
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Canadian.Trucker on November 28, 2011, 10:57:52
That snowblower add is epic I love the "blow your way to freedom" comment.  That guy is hilarious, I'm willing to drive the 21 hours it would take for me to get to NB just to meet this man.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on November 29, 2011, 08:51:20
RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on  her trips to Zellers.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping  boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is  like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received   the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

  Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in  our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both  of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are
listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made  a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official  voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee  to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began  crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were
called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While  handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the
Antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store  suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October  22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a
 

Fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where is the fitting room?



And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

  One of the clerks passed out.


Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on November 29, 2011, 08:53:16
From a Kijiji ad in Moncton, NB


http://newbrunswick.kijiji.ca/c-buy-and-sell-tools-equipment-11HP-29-Snowblower-W0QQAdIdZ332915918


Do you like shoveling snow? Then stop reading this and go back to your pushups and granola because you are not someone that I want to talk to.

Snowblower that caused stir on Kijiji sold
CBC News  Nov 28, 2011 9:59 PM
Article Link (http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/new-brunswick/story/2011/11/28/nb-kijiji-snowblower-sold.html)
 
The Kijiji ad which drew lots of attention to a Moncton man has also made him some money as he sold the subject of the ad — a snowblower — over the weekend.

Sunday's blogpost by Weh-Ming Cho reads "The Snowblower that ate the internet: SOLD."

He said all he wanted to do was sell his snowblower so that he could hire a plowdriver to take care of his driveway this winter.

His humourous selling approach was what took the World Wide Web by storm. He also happened to post the ad on the day of New Brunswick's first snowstorm of the season

"You gave it your best shot. You tried to shovel by yourself and I respect you for that," the ad says.

"I have a snow blower and I want you to own it. It's like I can almost see you: sitting there, your legs are probably crossed and your left hand is on your chin. Am I right? How'd I do that? The same way that I know that YOU ARE GOING TO BUY THIS SNOWBLOWER."

He posted the ad last Wednesday. In less than a week, he says the ad was viewed 342,465 times, with 48,574 people linking to it on Facebook .

He says the ad was viewed about 55 times per minute and linked to almost eight times per minute.

The ad also did pretty well for him personally.
More on link
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Tuna on November 29, 2011, 15:16:05
(not sure if this has or has not been posted already)

A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a computer engineer were driving down the road together when suddenly the car they are in stops. The mechanical engineer quickly pops the hood to see whats wrong, he assumes that there must be something wrong with the engine. Meanwhile the chemical engineer is examining the gas tank and immediately assumes from the smell that there is something wrong with the gasoline. An arguement starts between the two and after a few minutes the computer engineer, still sitting alone in the car says "Why don't we turn it off... and then turn it on again!"
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Retired AF Guy on November 29, 2011, 18:20:47
Something for the gun guys/girls:

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 57Chevy on November 29, 2011, 18:28:01
From the american society of retired people;


Q:�Where can men over the ageof 60 find younger, sexywomen who are interestedin them?
A:�Try a bookstore under fiction.
 
Q:�What can a man do while hiswife is going through menopause?
A:�Keep busy. If you're handy withtools, you can finish the basement.When you're done you'll have aplace to live.
 
Q:�Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true?
A:�Yes. Matthew 14:92:"And Mary rode Joseph's assall the way to Egypt."
 
Q:�How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plusyear old husband?
A:�Tell him you're pregnant.
 
Q:�How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A:�Take off your glasses.
 
Q:�Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A:�Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
 
Q:�Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A:�Valets don't forget where they park your car.
 
Q:�Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A:�Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
 
Q:�As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A:�Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
 
Q:�Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A:�On their foreheads.
 
Q:�What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A:�"Gosh, I remember these!"
 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on December 01, 2011, 18:46:57
The 56 best/worst analogies written by high school students (http://bethanyamandamiller.wordpress.com/2011/02/22/the-56-bestworst-analogies-written-by-high-school-students/)*

 :rofl:

Some are pretty good.   :nod:

*Edit to add:  These were actually written for a Washington Post contest.  Still funny.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on December 03, 2011, 16:27:09
40 Inspirational Speeches in 2 Minutes (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6wRkzCW5qI)

Well done.   :nod:

Had to add this:  The 100 Cheesiest Movie Quotes of All Time  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTiAS7cdsYc&feature=related)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GnyHwy on December 03, 2011, 17:02:24
A salesman walks up to a suburban home and knocks on the door.  The door opens and there stands an eight year old boy, wearing a bath robe, smoking a cigar and drinking from a bottle of whiskey.

The boy, with a snide look on his face asks, "can I help ya"?

The salesman, completely taken back by the boys lack of respect and conduct replies "is your mother home"?

The boy, with a cocky smile, replies... " what the %&$ do you think"?
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on December 04, 2011, 16:22:03
Never thought I would see this very, very old joke on the internet.



A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemist  shop. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly  folded cotton bandana, unfolds  it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also  unfolds to  reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on  it. The  chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How  much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.

"Six  pence," says the chemist.

"How  much for a new one?"

"Ten  pence" says the chemist.

The  Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square  handkerchief and the  cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and  marches out of  the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

He comes back the next day and says "Six  pence for the repair, and ten pence for a new one".

"Aye" says the chemist.

The  Scot painstakingly marches out of  the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A  moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up  outside, followed by an even greater  shout. The  Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist and addresses the  proprietor, this  time with a grin on his face.

"The  regiment will have it repaired."
 
 
 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on December 05, 2011, 10:22:51
Not so much funny as fun:  How fast are your reactions? (http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/sheep/reaction_version5.swf)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on December 07, 2011, 21:05:40
Auto Correct Fails: Damn You Auto Correct's 11 Most Awkward SNAFUs Of 2011  (http://"http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/05/auto-correct-fails-damn-you-auto-correct-2011_n_1130737.html?ref=canada&ir=Canada#s522111&title=Promotional_Kitten_Basket")
 ;D ;D :rofl: :rofl:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: FlyingDutchman on December 07, 2011, 22:09:20
Auto Correct Fails: Damn You Auto Correct's 11 Most Awkward SNAFUs Of 2011  (http://"http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/05/auto-correct-fails-damn-you-auto-correct-2011_n_1130737.html?ref=canada&ir=Canada#s522111&title=Promotional_Kitten_Basket")
 ;D ;D :rofl: :rofl:
....I f***ing hate auto correct and was ready to build a neck for my phone just so I could strangle it when it was stuck on.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on December 09, 2011, 10:25:07
HELL  EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a  University  of Arizona  chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well : 

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
 
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities: 

  1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
 
  2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Cardstonkid on December 09, 2011, 13:02:15
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know.... I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "...Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullsh#ttin' me?!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well .. You started it!!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: airmich on December 09, 2011, 13:10:52
A Sailor walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman looks at his wrist and remarks, "That's some watch.

I've never seen anything like it before. What is it?"

"I just got this," he replies. "It's a new military issue. It has a small computer chip which has threat detection and situational awareness."

The intrigued woman asks, "What's so special about it?"

The Sailor explains, "It can detect any threats within a 50 yard radius and gives me an awareness of my surroundings.

The woman asks, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, according to what it says, you're not wearing any panties...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The Sailor taps the face of his watch several times and says, "Aw, hell, the damn thing's an hour fast
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: airmich on December 09, 2011, 20:17:12
Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy halter top. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. 'Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg.' He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. 'Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes.' Mortified, he too fled.

'Morons....'the third priest mutters and moves to the window. 'Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you.'

They took the bus!!!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on December 11, 2011, 14:37:18
How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb? None, they hate change, even if it would brighten the world. -Unknown    :)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on December 11, 2011, 20:11:11
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?  None: feminists can't change anything.  ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Sythen on December 11, 2011, 20:13:03
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?  None: feminists can't change anything.  ;D

oh snap!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on December 11, 2011, 20:17:23
If a man driving a motorcyle runs over a woman, who's at fault?



The man, of course...


















Why is he driving a motorcycle in the kitchen in the first place?  ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on December 11, 2011, 20:19:16
Why do little boys whinge and whine so much?


They are practicing to become men.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Loachman on December 12, 2011, 12:04:34
How many gun control supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

None - they just pass a law banning burnt-out light bulbs and wonder why it's still dark.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on December 12, 2011, 12:21:30
How many gun control supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

None - they just pass a law banning burnt-out light bulbs and wonder why it's still dark.
This.  This is the BEST joke.  EVER!!!!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Loachman on December 12, 2011, 17:04:10
It's not a joke.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on December 13, 2011, 15:20:20
This is an alcohol test:
If you pass it, you can keep drinking,
if not, it's time to stop.
Follow the simple instructions below:

1. Click on the man’s nose

2. A new window will open - click on the man's nose again

3. Each time you click on his nose, you can drink another glass of wine!!!

http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/slaan.html (http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/slaan.html)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Bluebulldog on December 13, 2011, 17:17:11
How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

.....none...they never get the frigging house.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on December 13, 2011, 19:49:14
Muslim Cleric's Warning: Cucumbers Too Sexy for Women
Published December 08, 2011 | FoxNews.com
Article Link (http://www.foxnews.com/world/2011/12/08/muslim-cleric-reportedly-bans-women-from-handling-cucumbers/?intcmp=obinsite)
 
An Islamic cleric living in Europe reportedly has warned Muslim women not to get too close to bananas, cucumbers or other produce -- to avoid having “sexual thoughts.”

The unnamed cleric, whose directive was featured in an article in el-Senousa, a religious publication, purportedly said that if women wanted to eat these foods, a third party -- preferably a male related to them, such as their father or husband -- should cut the items into small pieces before serving, the Egyptian website Bikya Masr reported.

Carrots and zucchini also were added to the alleged cleric's list of forbidden foods for women.

News of the statement quickly spread online, leaving many liberal Muslims embarrassed and angry, evoking a flurry of mockery in online forums.

"Many of the commentators are Muslims themselves, who have expressed their anger against the cleric for making Islamic religious practices appear unreasonable," The International Business Times reported.

BikyaMasr.com said the cleric, identified only as a sheikh, was asked in the interview how to “control” women when they are shopping for groceries, and whether holding these items at the market would be bad, to which he replied that the matter was between them and God.

Questions also arose about the validity of the original published interview. An online search for the el-Senousa article, for instance, yields only results linking to the Bikya Masr report.

But the mere suggestion of a strict order for Muslim women handling food has been enough to send people to website forums and Twitter to air their indignation.

Danish/Lebanese journalist Helen Hajjij tweeted on Wednesday: “So if Muslim women should stay away from cucumbers and bananas, should men stay away from melons?”
end
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Retired AF Guy on December 13, 2011, 23:11:57
Quote
The unnamed cleric, ...
Gee, I wonder why??
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: jollyjacktar on December 14, 2011, 06:56:18
That's why I'm banned from feeling the melons in the produce asile.   :D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Retired AF Guy on December 14, 2011, 21:45:00
That's why I'm banned from feeling the melons in the produce asile.   :D

As they say in certain parts of the world, "Women are OK, little boys are fine, but happiness is a ripe watermelon."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Retired AF Guy on December 14, 2011, 21:49:54
"As I caress your firm roundness with my hands and press my face into your pink flesh, your sweet juice runs down my face."










(I LOVE WATERMELONS!)

Fixed typo.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Retired AF Guy on December 14, 2011, 22:44:34
Enough about watermelons. A little story by  Jerry Pournelle  (http://jerrypournelle.com/jerrypournelle.c/chaosmanor/) about an experiment he participated in years ago in how cats would react in a zero-G gravity. Enjoy:

Quote
A long time ago at a Human Factors lab on an Air Force base in Texas, a group of human factors space scientists and Air Force pilots were sitting in the O Club and got to talking about cats and zero gravity. How would a cat orient in micro gravity? Visually? They always land on their feet. But what if they couldn’t feel which way was down?

A few drinks later we realized that one of the pilots wasn’t having a drink because he had to do a proficiency flight later that afternoon. And we already had a camera rigged in the cockpit of a T Bird, and if a couple of us certified this as a human factors experiment it wouldn’t cost the government anything it wasn’t going to spend on the proficiency flight, and it would be an interesting experiment, and — Well, it seemed like a great idea at the time, and the captain who’d be flying thought it would be a good idea.

We rigged up the body sensors – he did have to insert the rectal thermometer thermistor, and we put on the face and hand temperature sensors and the other polygraph stuff and turned on the recorders. Then we captured the O Club cat, a calico, and he carried her along to the T Bird, and with the cat sitting comfortably in his lap he took off with a flight plan that included a long parabolic arc that would produce more than 15 seconds of essentially zero gravity.

All was well until he got into the parabolic flight, at which point he took the cat off his lap and released her in zero gravity. The camera recorded it all. The cat looked about wildly, realized it wasn’t moving, rotated itself so that its feet were straight out toward the pilot’s chest, and teleported – that’s the best description I could make from seeing that film run several times – toward the pilot. Claws extended. It anchored itself, finding the opening in the flight suit from which the physiological sensor wires protruded. Claws out. Firmly anchored.

The rest of the film shows the pilot frantically trying to fly while trying to peel the cat off his chest. It held fast until after landing.  Then the cat allowed the pilot to carry it off the airplane and back to the club, whereupon it vanished and wouldn’t speak to any of us for a week.

But we did learn that in zero gravity a cat will orient toward the nearest human, latch on, and never let go. I suppose that film is still making the rounds of USAF, but maybe not. It was film long before digitizing film was easy or even possible, and eventually that wears out. I haven’t seen it for years.
Emphasis mine.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on December 15, 2011, 16:41:54
Okay, apparently linking images from http://iwastesomuchtime.com/ (http://iwastesomuchtime.com/) is not on.

It was a picture of Tom Hanks and Wilson from Castaway with the title "Still a better love story than Twilight"

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: NFLD Sapper on December 15, 2011, 16:44:13
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fiwsmt.littleasllc.netdna-cdn.com%2FDecember-13-2011-02-55-17-tumblrlvuilzC7gG1qj26eao1500.jpg&hash=0819cb1df498335d15d31b0a1db0cdb9)

 :nod:

red X?
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on December 17, 2011, 09:43:30
For Zoomie, Loachman, Supersonic Max and friends:

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems ...
...  encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor! Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. (By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.)

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

•   P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
•   P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
•   P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.
•   P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order.
•   P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.
•   P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're there for.
•   P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
•   P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right.
•   P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
•   P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
•   P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
•   P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.
•   P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.





Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Journeyman on December 17, 2011, 14:35:35
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.meh.ro%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2011%2F11%2Fmeh.ro8774.jpg&hash=f390fa51daa5249a122bd7ff5660fabb)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Retired AF Guy on December 25, 2011, 17:21:58
Music by Arnie...
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on December 26, 2011, 12:56:30
So true, but I think I'd say more like the 70's.

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.meh.ro%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2011%2F03%2Fmeh.ro6995-455x412.jpg&hash=1ac39dc04c46cdf203f32204db8fc171)

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on December 26, 2011, 19:15:40
Love it..
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on December 26, 2011, 19:17:49
This is how the CF works..
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on December 26, 2011, 19:19:33
So true...
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on December 27, 2011, 18:15:39
LOL
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on December 29, 2011, 23:00:20
What does DNA stand for?
The National Dyslexia Association.

 :bowing:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hammer Sandwich on December 29, 2011, 23:05:50
What does DNA stand for?
The National Dyslexia Association.

EAHT CMRIE!!!!

You're a dab nam........
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: DexOlesa on December 30, 2011, 00:27:12
So true, but I think I'd say more like the 70's.

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.meh.ro%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2011%2F03%2Fmeh.ro6995-455x412.jpg&hash=1ac39dc04c46cdf203f32204db8fc171)

The difference is, when we did something stupid (and we did lets be honest) we got hurt, our parents gave us a bandage (or whatever) called us morons and sent us back out to play. Now, they rush them to the hospital call them poor baby and sue the toy company. Kids are getting dumber though, no doubt
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Journeyman on December 30, 2011, 00:50:39
Kids are getting dumber though, no doubt
So it appears in the Recruiting threads.    :not-again:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hammer Sandwich on December 30, 2011, 02:08:46



I'm throwin' in a joke;

Three Holy Men & A Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in
Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and
attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said,
'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I
began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted
nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God,
he became as gentle as a lamb.. The Bishop is coming out next week
to give him first communion and confirmation.'


Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm
and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best
fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW
that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I
began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to
wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until
we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy
soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was
lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs
and monitors running in and out of him.

He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, .......
circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on January 01, 2012, 10:43:21
Clever Jury

 
In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of:
 
A defendant was on trial for murder.  There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
 
In the defence's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
 
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.  "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door.  The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.
 
A minute passed.  Nothing happened.
 
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement.  But you all looked on with anticipation.  I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
 
The jury retired to deliberate.  A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
 
"But how?" inquired the lawyer.  "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
 
The jury foreman replied:
 
"Yes, we did look,
 
But Your Client Didn't."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Loachman on January 02, 2012, 03:37:25
http://awkwardstockphotos.com/
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on January 02, 2012, 19:42:44
See photo
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on January 02, 2012, 19:49:22
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fd37nnnqwv9amwr.cloudfront.net%2Fphotos%2Fimages%2Fnewsfeed%2F000%2F128%2F669%2F13h4.jpg&hash=b2c853f00c4f6ac1d3dcba0e02ea9c00)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Retired AF Guy on January 03, 2012, 11:28:49
"Last night you laid on my naked body,

and applied your mouth to me without guilt or humiliation.

You drove me near crazy while you drained me.

Today when I awoke you were gone.

I searched for you but to no avail.

Only the sheets bare last nights events.

My body still bares marks of your ravishing,

making it all the more difficult to forget you.

Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you......











You f**king mosquito!!!!"
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Loachman on January 03, 2012, 11:34:50
If women ruled the world http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0m3d8Rbf3kk
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: jollyjacktar on January 03, 2012, 12:12:35
Funny, Loachman.   ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on January 04, 2012, 10:11:14
Lawyer story.

 
 
 The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful and rich lawyer.  So a United Way volunteer paid a visit to the lawyer in his lavish skyscraper office.
 
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is well over two million dollars, you don't give a single penny to charity.  Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
 
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
 
 Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
 
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off again.
 
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
 
The humiliated United Way rep, now totally ashamed, says, "I'm so sorry I had no idea."
 
Then the lawyer finally says, "So ... if I didn't give any money to them what makes you think I'd give any money to the United Way?"
 
 

 

 
 
 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on January 07, 2012, 16:33:15
Too bad there’s not a robot Bob Hope to go entertain the unmanned drones at the front
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: uptheglens on January 09, 2012, 23:41:42
The best of fails 2011

http://fragg.me/video/best-of-fails-2011 (http://fragg.me/video/best-of-fails-2011)

10:09 - 10:13 is by far my favourite, but they're all good.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: jollyjacktar on January 10, 2012, 16:59:51
The best of fails 2011

http://fragg.me/video/best-of-fails-2011 (http://fragg.me/video/best-of-fails-2011)

10:09 - 10:13 is by far my favourite, but they're all good.

 :o  So many to choose from.  Even "Tex" makes an appearance.  Watching the red hot rail coming out like that must have been exciting on the shop floor...  Thanks for the wow.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: jparkin on January 10, 2012, 17:29:38
The best of fails 2011

http://fragg.me/video/best-of-fails-2011 (http://fragg.me/video/best-of-fails-2011)

10:09 - 10:13 is by far my favourite, but they're all good.

I was looking for a way to burn some time between classes and you provided me with 13 minutes of painful laughter.  ;D
Many thanks
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on January 10, 2012, 19:02:22
The best of fails 2011

http://fragg.me/video/best-of-fails-2011 (http://fragg.me/video/best-of-fails-2011)

In some of those cases it's like Darwin just isn't trying hard enough.    :not-again:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on January 13, 2012, 17:47:33
Something Smells Fishy
RESTAURANT | ORLANDO, FL, USA |
(I used to work at a theme restaurant that had a huge, double arch aquarium at the entrance to the dining area. We had staff members who would clean the tanks from the inside in full scuba gear. The tanks were filled with brightly colored, tropical fish.)

Patron: “Oooh! Is he there to paint the fish?”

Me: “I’m… sorry?”

Patron: “The fish. Is he in there to paint them?”

Me: “Oh no, ma’am, the paint would wash off if we did it underwater. He takes them out to paint them.”

Patron: “You take them out? That’s horrible? How do they breathe?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, it’s very quick. We use an airbrush and stencils. It really only takes a few seconds. And since the paint is misted on, it dries almost instantly.”

Patron: “Well, that’s a relief!”
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on January 20, 2012, 11:12:20

WHEN COFFEE HURTS!



I was eating breakfast with my six year-old granddaughter last Week and I asked her "When is President's Day?"

She is a really smart kid, and instantly replied "In February!"

So, I asked "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for Something about Washington or Lincoln ... Etc.

She said, "That's when Obama steps out of the White House, and If he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."



DARN IT HURTS LIKE H--- WHEN HOT COFFEE SPURTS OUT YOUR NOSE!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Retired AF Guy on January 20, 2012, 19:06:20
Look Ma, its me!!

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: NSDreamer on January 24, 2012, 21:46:14
So My friend Nicola wrote a letter to a pilot when she was 8, and just found it again. Aren't kids wonderful?

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fjovan.ru%2Fpics%2Fflight-note.gif&hash=5b783254f37d7979bdf7929905287dd4)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on January 25, 2012, 01:51:21
10 Misconceptions Rundown (http://youtu.be/SCzXZfNIu3A)

Some parts funny, some parts interesting.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: jparkin on January 25, 2012, 12:21:23
10 Misconceptions Rundown (http://youtu.be/SCzXZfNIu3A)

Some parts funny, some parts interesting.

Hahaha I hope 8 spiders a year isn't an underestimate!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on January 25, 2012, 14:29:39
Sequoia:Testimony of a Snail

http://www.veryfunnyads.com/ (http://www.veryfunnyads.com/)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on January 25, 2012, 16:33:59
I've skipped stones, but this......

Jack Link's Beef Jerky:Cannonball

http://www.veryfunnyads.com/ (http://www.veryfunnyads.com/)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on January 25, 2012, 19:27:00
For the people who keep using MSN speak, keep this in mind:

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fiwsmt.littleasllc.netdna-cdn.com%2FJanuary-20-2012-15-31-10-tumblrlxuiv3mVxM1qewacoo1500.jpg&hash=8518cb2e6b39d2a1c1f02cf1a384584b)

 >:D

Link, in case the picture disappears:  http://iwsmt.littleasllc.netdna-cdn.com/January-20-2012-15-31-10-tumblrlxuiv3mVxM1qewacoo1500.jpg (http://iwsmt.littleasllc.netdna-cdn.com/January-20-2012-15-31-10-tumblrlxuiv3mVxM1qewacoo1500.jpg)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: jparkin on January 26, 2012, 00:44:28
Nothing like some Precision Drilling!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25Qhbdijv5Y&NR=1&feature=endscreen
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on January 26, 2012, 19:56:43
An Interglactic Warning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.
 
They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.  We come in peace.  Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you"

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.

Again, there was no response.

Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling.  We come in peace.  Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that!  I really think that will make him mad."

”Rubbish,” replied the young alien.  He aimed his weapon and opened fire.

There was a huge explosion.  A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien, off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away into a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed.  When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien.  "He damn near killed me!  How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on January 28, 2012, 10:17:25
The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

Karmageddon (n): it's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n..): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an *******.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Eye In The Sky on January 28, 2012, 12:52:09
One the ladies will like...  ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on January 29, 2012, 10:41:34


Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.
 
Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.
 
The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.
 
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.
 
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
 
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
 
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'
 
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
 
'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'
 
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:

'A pumpkin? crap ... is it midnight already?'
 
The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as 'Best come-back line ever.'
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on February 01, 2012, 15:12:58
Apple Scotland - iPhone commercial for Siri   

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGxKhUuZ0Rc

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on February 01, 2012, 19:09:45
Radio Conversation

This is supposed to be the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.

- Please change your direction 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

- Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

- This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

- No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

- THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

- This is a lighthouse. Your call.

========================================================

Their Sons

These 4 pals go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son BIll," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "George is so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son, Albert, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Frank's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

==============================================================

Curiosity gets the Priest

A priest, in urgent need to use the bathroom, walks into a local bar. The bar is jumping with loud music and lively conversation, but every few minutes the lights abruptly go off. Every time the lights go off, the bar crowd bursts into loud whoops and applause, but when they see the priest enter the bar, the place becomes absolutely quiet.

The priest walks over to the bartender and asks, "Can you please tell me where your bathroom is?"

"Sure, but I have to tell you, father, there's a statue of a naked woman in it and she?s wearing only a fig leaf."

"No problem, I'll just avert my eyes, then," Said the priest.

The bartender then shows the priest to the far side of the bar where the bathroom is located. After a short while, the priest comes out of the bathroom and the bar crowd pauses only long enough to give him a rousing cheer. Perplexed he goes over to the bartender and asks, I'm puzzled. Why did they cheer for me as I came out of the bathroom just now?"

"Well, father, it's because your curiosity has made you human and likeable, just like us," said the bartender. "May I pour you a drink?"

"No thanks you, but, I'm still puzzled," said the priest.

"You see, father," chuckles the bartender, "every time somebody moves the fig leaf on the naked woman statue, the bar lights go off. Now, what do you say to that drink?"
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on February 02, 2012, 19:29:03

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news.
 
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?' The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.' The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.
 
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?
 
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again...
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on February 02, 2012, 20:45:54
I remember speaking to a British submariner officer about the sub purchase. He said it was like this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6C7oqXewyCE) at the closing deal.  :facepalm:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on February 03, 2012, 19:54:53
Budget cuts hitting the sandbox...
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: DexOlesa on February 04, 2012, 09:27:44
The hell is that thing?? Looks like one of those 6 wheeled ATV's you take hunting with a mounted gun, and that slat armour....and whatever that light bar is out front.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hamish Seggie on February 04, 2012, 13:56:57
The hell is that thing?? Looks like one of those 6 wheeled ATV's you take hunting with a mounted gun, and that slat armour....and whatever that light bar is out front.

A mine roller?
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: jollyjacktar on February 04, 2012, 14:01:50
Meanest looking Gator out there.   :nod:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on February 04, 2012, 14:09:55
Dear optimist pessimist and realist while you guys were busy arguing about the glass of water. I drank it.

Sincerely,
The Opportunist
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on February 04, 2012, 14:11:26
A mine roller?

Yup... it was a gator with some one with a lot of time on their hands. I think it was from TF Lumberjack.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hamish Seggie on February 06, 2012, 10:18:12
Yup... it was a gator with some one with a lot of time on their hands. I think it was from TF Lumberjack.

I think its quite funny actually.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on February 07, 2012, 17:24:25
I totally should build one here... wonder what the RCMP would say?
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on February 08, 2012, 12:39:48
Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to the bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a Baseball Bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, with a sense of pride and satisfaction she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

“ Hi darling” he says

“ Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom."

 
 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on February 08, 2012, 19:29:01
Amen...  ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on February 08, 2012, 20:44:40
When the recruiter asks you why you want to join...

Jump up and down on the desk and scream..
"I want to kill, kill, kill!" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NzFJxX8yoY)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hamish Seggie on February 09, 2012, 10:42:37
When dealing with some (not all) officers who have "good ideas":

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on February 09, 2012, 17:11:58
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.  In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.  This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.  During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.  It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.  Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.  She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. 

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.   >:D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on February 09, 2012, 19:44:40
My bookkeeper got into the act,,,,,,,,,,,,this was her reply........

So – you gotta wonder who else she was doing to earn all that dough – do the math - $3,000,000 / 30 years = $100,000 per year / 365 days - $273.98 per day / $20 per session = 13.7 session per day and every day!   She was a busy girl !!! J)) 

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on February 09, 2012, 20:13:48
On their wedding night, the young groom approached his new wife and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.  In her highly aroused state, she readily agreed.  This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with her thinking that it was a cute way for him to afford  incidentals that he needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, he was surprised to find her in a very drunken state.  During the next few minutes, she explained that her employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and she had been let go.  It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, she'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what she'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, her husband handed her a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.  Then he showed her certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed her that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.  He explained that for the more than three decades he had "charged" her for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of his savings and investments. 

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, his wife was so astounded she could barely speak, but finally she found her voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot her. You know, sometimes, women just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.   >:D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on February 09, 2012, 20:14:33
My bookkeeper got into the act,,,,,,,,,,,,this was her reply........

So – you gotta wonder who else she was doing to earn all that dough – do the math - $3,000,000 / 30 years = $100,000 per year / 365 days - $273.98 per day / $20 per session = 13.7 session per day and every day!   She was a busy girl !!! J)) 

 ;D

I just found the spouse on spouse violence hilarious


 :sarcasm:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: DexOlesa on February 09, 2012, 20:22:43
she only deposited $1 Million, investments gave the other 2.  So 1,000,000/30= 33,333.33/365 = $91.32 a day/ $20 = 4.5 times a day. Not QUITE as bad. Still busy though
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on February 09, 2012, 21:29:58
Seriously?   :not-again:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on February 09, 2012, 22:16:03
Seriously?   :not-again:

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.starcraftmazter.net%2F4chan%2Ffor_forums%2Fthats_the_joke.jpg&hash=43fa4310e0c8217a07de8c6a3735a89e)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on February 10, 2012, 00:47:06
And just when you thought your life was boring......

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F26.media.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_lv53chsyDH1r0wqrdo1_500.jpg&hash=7ff712af65754e4db2e72545ff4140a0)

......you're ecstatic that it is.   :nod:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: jollyjacktar on February 10, 2012, 09:12:30
And just when you thought your life was boring......

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F26.media.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_lv53chsyDH1r0wqrdo1_500.jpg&hash=7ff712af65754e4db2e72545ff4140a0)

......you're ecstatic that it is.   :nod:
Really, you could not make this stuff up.  Love it.   ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on February 10, 2012, 10:53:56
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words 'complete' and 'finished' in a way that's so easy to understand.

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED but, there is an explanation, as told by a Newfoundlander!!!!!!

When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ....

COMPLETELY FINISHED !!!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on February 10, 2012, 11:13:20
 :rofl:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on February 12, 2012, 16:54:47
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F27.media.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_lttpr9lSuO1r0wqrdo1_500.jpg&hash=fdff9e365933e7c008055091183d041b)

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F26.media.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_lt9dgy6sM71r0wqrdo1_400.jpg&hash=b8b4ac7b1c56d75c74d987f764be7940)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on February 12, 2012, 19:19:04
Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I wish I could see a doctor now without waiting forever at the urgent care walk-in."

"Listen, you don't have wait at the walk-in." Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot faster than seeing a doctor, and getting referred to a lab."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard.  Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Costco!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Bluebulldog on February 13, 2012, 09:53:45
During WWI, there was a lull in the fighting on the Wester Front.

A Canadian soldier tells his buddy: "You know, all Germans are called Hans. Watch."

He rises to the rim of the trench and calls out across no-man's-land: "Hey, Hans!"

Across the way, an German soldier stands up above the parapet and goes:"Ja?" and the Canadian shoots him.

Word spreads along the Canadian front and everywhere you hear: "Hey, Hans! Ja?" Bang!

So a German says to one of his buddies:
"Hey, Hans?

-Ja?

- All Canadians are called Smith. Watch."

So he call out across no-man's-land:

"Hey, Smith?

-Yeah, That you, Hans?

-Ja?"
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ---- on February 15, 2012, 02:49:00
Just discovered who our beloved Army.ca TechnoViking really is.   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WG60-0tp5sU&feature=related

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on February 16, 2012, 15:34:21
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F29.media.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_lzi1r53R1a1qkaa8zo1_500.jpg&hash=3c603db7e4b7f5ad1e20542e5613f12c)

Reminds me of a line I heard last night (that I referenced for future use): "I've got a fake laugh with your name written all over it."   >:D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on February 16, 2012, 19:45:06
Rogo:
Quote
Just discovered who our beloved Army.ca TechnoViking really is.   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WG60-0tp5sU&feature=related

I am sure it is him as he linked that a year or so ago.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on February 19, 2012, 17:18:35
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know....., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull shittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on February 27, 2012, 00:04:17
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on March 01, 2012, 20:27:32
For all you medics:


Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks,'Kin ya breathe?'The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on March 02, 2012, 17:45:44
.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on March 03, 2012, 21:34:01
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he met U.S. General Patraeus.

They shook hands. As they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America ."

The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star Trek, and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims.  My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."

The General laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "That's because it takes place in the future".
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 211RadOp on March 03, 2012, 23:21:57
Some of the responses are better than the texts

http://m.textsfromlastnight.com/texts/page:1 (http://m.textsfromlastnight.com/texts/page:1)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on March 04, 2012, 12:36:17
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.iwastesomuchtime.com%2FMarch-02-2012-02-04-05-tHnuo.jpeg&hash=29471b97428544a6a4e64344acf619fa)

 :nod:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on March 04, 2012, 18:22:59
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fa7.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F420369_10150853305529762_634479761_12858926_1519988398_n.jpg&hash=5afc23f28a4f5b87a2b723e5721f8222)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on March 04, 2012, 18:25:25
Is there reason to know this "Snookie" person?

Regards,
ironduke57
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on March 04, 2012, 18:27:57
Is there reason to know this "Snookie" person?

Regards,
ironduke57

(https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-jPMPyb8ih8M/Tk_uhvkiErI/AAAAAAAAAlA/KIMOkfhcBnA/1313861197217.png)
She's the woman in this photo. Apparently she's a so-called "Reality TV" star.  (I had to ask my daughter who she was)


Es ist kein Wunder, dass ich nicht mehr Fernsehen anschaue....

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ironduke57 on March 04, 2012, 19:04:55
Thx. Not my kind of TV show.

Where have all the good TV shows gone? Just thinking about the TV shows of my childhood: Hardcastle and McCormick, Star Trek, Airwolf, Streethawk, A-Team, Riptide, Simon and Simon, Misfits of Science, MacGyver, The Fall Guy, etc.. Or the cartoon series like MASK, Saber Rider, Captian Future, Thundercats, Silverhawks, etc.. And now? "Reality" TV crap and Spongebob? WTF happend?!

Sorry for the rant. It is just ... well you know.

Regards,
ironduke57
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hamish Seggie on March 04, 2012, 20:13:34
Snookie is an idiot.....and only good for.....nothing.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: RemembranceDay on March 05, 2012, 01:26:14
Only if the father of Snookie's child is the next Albert Einstein (Which I highly doubt, because someone with brains like that would know better), then it might be ok. Otherwise, I pity the poor thing.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on March 05, 2012, 15:40:23
Not really a joke, but funny enough:  Ice falls from CN Tower, police investigating (http://news.nationalpost.com/2012/03/01/ice-falls-from-cn-tower-police-investigating/)

Only in Canada.   ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on March 06, 2012, 10:50:27
With an election in mind............


While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning... ...


Today you voted.' 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ---- on March 06, 2012, 18:42:17
Gold.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on March 07, 2012, 16:22:44
lol...
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Journeyman on March 09, 2012, 10:37:51
I was going to post this in the Recruiting threads....   >:D

Quote
News Item: University graduates being forced to take jobs that match their skills
University graduates are increasingly having to take unskilled jobs commensurate with their lack of ability.

Figures from Statistics Canada show that the average wage for someone with a Canadian university degree has fallen to pretty much where it should be.
 
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Canadian Institute For Social Research, said: "The fact that 20% of new graduates are unemployed says less about the current job market and more about the age-old problem of them being a bunch of useless, unskilled bunch of whiny twats.
 
"Nevertheless our higher education system continues to do its job of producing people who can round-up shopping carts without supervision."
 
The study showed that the best paid graduates were those with degrees in medicine, engineering and other things that actually need to be done.

Meanwhile, trade unions have demanded a halt to university graduates taking unskilled jobs, insisting they do not want to represent people who are even worse than public sector workers.
 
Holly Turnbull, a 1.9 GPA from Concordia University, said: "I had some nebulous plan that my degree in Wymyns Studies would translate into a six-figure income but all I have to show for it is a breathtakingly predictable tattoo.
 
"I was explaining this the other day to an old friend I sneered at for leaving school at 16 to become a plumber. But he just jumped into his Audi while asking if I would like to clean his condos.

He has seven of them."

 

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on March 09, 2012, 10:46:15
 :goodpost:

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on March 09, 2012, 10:51:24
Quote
Holly Turnbull, a 1.9 GPA from Concordia University, said: "I had some nebulous plan that my degree in Wymyns Studies would translate into a six-figure income but all I have to show for it is a breathtakingly predictable tattoo.
 
"I was explaining this the other day to an old friend I sneered at for leaving school at 16 to become a plumber. But he just jumped into his Audi while asking if I would like to clean his condos.

He has seven of them."

:rofl:

HILARIOUS!!!!!!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on March 10, 2012, 16:23:49
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines.  "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.  It's this Viagra," he says.  "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks him if he would like something.  "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines.  "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.  "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie?  Maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again.  "No," he says, "it's  got to be the Viagra.  I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me?  I'm starving."

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on March 11, 2012, 13:40:23
SPAGHETTI


For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to
ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum
of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she
stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support
until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.


To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed
and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce. 

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on March 12, 2012, 10:17:20
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

" Not yet, "  said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well,  he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.  He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ?  Why don't I have any milk in my cereal ? " he asks.

" Well, "  his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the ***** cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
" You gonna tell him or should I ? "
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on March 13, 2012, 15:41:02
You May Be a Taliban, If ...
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
13. You list your occupation as dirt farmer.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: jollyjacktar on March 13, 2012, 20:25:55
TN, funny.  But I disagree with # 11.  The one's I came in smelling distance of had not seen a bath in a couple of months.  Stinky bastards.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on March 13, 2012, 20:34:15
TN, funny.  But I disagree with # 11.  The one's I came in smelling distance of had not seen a bath in a couple of months.  Stinky bastards.

You always have to disagree, don't you fish head? ;)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: gcclarke on March 22, 2012, 12:37:04
I'm pretty sure that #11 was actually referring to Submariners, not Taliban. I understand how one could make that mistake with your eyes closed, but the former is more likely to have a whiff of diesel in their aroma.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: NavyShooter on March 22, 2012, 19:28:52
Stolen from another forum I frequent....



The following would be the reaction of different types of Canadian soldiers upon encountering a snake in a theatre of operations:

Paratrooper: Kills the snake.

Armor: Runs over the snake, giggles and looks for more snakes.

Infantry (RCR): “Look a putty cat. Come here kitty. Ouch! Hey that’s not a kitty cat.”

Infantry (R 22e R) : “Tabarnack! Me see snake. Me like snake. Ouch! Me no like snake”.

Infantry (PPCLI) : Plays with the snake, then eats it.

Artillery: Kills the snake, but in the process, kills several hundred civilians with a massive time-on-target with three artillery brigades in support. Mission is considered a success, and all participants are awarded Orders of Military Merit (including cooks, mechanics, clerks, etc.)

Pararescue: Wounds the snake in the first encounter, then feverishly works to save the snake’s life.

JTF 2: Expends all ammunition and several grenades and calls for a tactical air strike in a failed attempt to kill the snake. Snake bites the JTF 2 Commander and retreats to safety.

Air Force Combat Controller: Guides the snake elsewhere.

Canadian Ranger: Follows the snake and gets lost.

Sea King Pilot: Has GPS grid to snake. Can’t find snake. Has engine failure and barely makes it back to base. Goes to the Officer’s Mess for some sort of drink called “The Snake.”

Military Intelligence: “Snake? What? Where? Huh?”

Military Police: Arrests the snake, then spends two hours trying to handcuff it. Snake escapes.

Combat News Reporter: Sees the snake 200 meters away. Writes an in-depth article in “Maple Leaf” on snakes. Minister of National Defense reads the article and states that “Canadian Forces are better equipped to deal with snakes than they were in the Gulf War.” Then he cuts the military budget another 50% and gives large pay increases to senior officers.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on March 24, 2012, 17:07:22
Taliban Porn Movie Titles
on 05.18.2011
Seal Team 6 not only found countless amounts of intelligence when they raided and killed Osama Bin Laden, they also found some of the hottest Taliban Porn movies the Middle East has ever seen. Here are some CIA leaked Taliban Porn movie titles.

Goatbusters

Jurka Jurka

The Squirt Locker

Backdoor Burka Babes

Talibuns

Debbie Does Abbotabad

Oral Qaeda

No Fatwa Chicks

9 1/2 Sheiks

IE-DDD

Suicide Bombshells 6

Behind the Green Burqa

1000 Arabians in One Night

Gilfs... Goat I‘d Like to frig!

Osama Bin Ga*gba*g

2 Burkas and 1 cup

Burka-Back Mountain

Jih*ad.

Tala bang bang

Whackistan lol

Weapons of Mass-turbation

Osama "the Hamster in his cave" Bin Laden

DD Mountains of Tora Bora

Searching the Desert for Camel Toe

Ali Baba and the 40 Beaves

She‘s the "Bomb"

Tokeback Mountains

Brokeback Cavern

5 Taliban 1 Cave

We have Cakefarts - Osama introduces Tandoori Farts

Weapons of *** destruction

Osama Bin Lov‘n

PackingStan

Raidin‘ Bunkers

8:11 - the 9/11 prequel

Osama Pakenherstan
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on March 24, 2012, 17:49:52
Action Figure Therapy (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UOocv7X0t4w&feature=relmfu)


"Problem Solved, Problem Staying Solved"

 ;D

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on March 24, 2012, 18:34:54
 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Occam on March 24, 2012, 19:18:40
Stolen from another forum I frequent....



The following would be the reaction of different types of Canadian soldiers upon encountering a snake in a theatre of operations:

Paratrooper: Kills the snake.

{...}


You could easily add:

Canadian Sailor:  Manoeuvres in circles around the snake for five days at 15 knots, then tries to clean it and paint it ship's side grey.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on March 24, 2012, 23:33:58
Tonight, we dine in HELL...

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: FlyingDutchman on March 25, 2012, 01:33:22
I recently found out my brother in law shaved his head in his teens.  Just after that he applied aftershave.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on March 26, 2012, 16:03:52
Found this Sunday morning. Wonder how many calls the shop got?
Title: Leave No Man Behind
Post by: naFianna on March 27, 2012, 21:11:17
Please remove as you see fit, but I just thought I'd share this "gem". I found it rather amusing, to say the least  ;)

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fa7.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F318157_10150652663333533_556163532_9615594_57057970_n.jpg&hash=4990eb1c914cd520e5d39df2935d2a67)


"Smile. It confuses people."


 :cdn:  :salute:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on March 27, 2012, 22:56:32
Glacier Erasure
2010 Darwin Award Nominee
Unconfirmed by Darwin
Another account from the archives of a 30-year ER MD.
Article Link (http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2010-04.html)

In the late fall and early winter months, snow-covered mountains become infested with hunters. One ambitious pair climbed high up a mountain in search of their quarry. The trail crossed a small glacier that had crusted over. The lead hunter had to stomp a foot-hold in the snow, one step at a time, in order to cross the glacier.

Somewhere near the middle of the glacier, his next stomp hit not snow but a rock. The lead hunter lost his footing and fell. Down the crusty glacier he zipped, off the edge and out of sight.

Unable to help, his companion watched him slide away. After a while, he shouted out, "Are you OK?"

"Yes!" came the answer.

Reasoning that it was a quick way off the glacier, the second hunter plopped down and accelerated down the ice, following his friend. There, just over the edge of the glacier, was his friend...holding onto the top of a tree that barely protruded from the snow.

There were no other treetops nearby, nothing to grab, nothing but a hundred-foot drop onto the rocks below. As the second hunter shot past the first, he uttered his final epitaph: a single word, which we may not utter lest our mothers soap our mouths.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on March 28, 2012, 08:45:37
More of a dumb idea, but I couldn't find the dumb thread...... ::)

Man saws off foot to avoid work
By Reuters
Article Link (http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2012/03/27/19556401.html)
 
VIENNA - An unemployed Austrian man sawed his foot off, apparently to avoid being found fit to go back to work.

Hours before an appointment on Monday for the labour office to check on his health, the 56-year-old man held his left leg against an electric saw in his home workshop and severed his foot just above the ankle, Austrian broadcaster ORF reported.

Bleeding profusely, the man from the province of Styria then threw the foot into an oven, hobbled to his garage and called an ambulance. An emergency operation was unable to reattach the foot, ORF said.
end
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: RemembranceDay on March 28, 2012, 18:01:06
More of a dumb idea, but I couldn't find the dumb thread...... ::)

Man saws off foot to avoid work
By Reuters
Article Link (http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2012/03/27/19556401.html)
 
VIENNA - An unemployed Austrian man sawed his foot off, apparently to avoid being found fit to go back to work.

Hours before an appointment on Monday for the labour office to check on his health, the 56-year-old man held his left leg against an electric saw in his home workshop and severed his foot just above the ankle, Austrian broadcaster ORF reported.

Bleeding profusely, the man from the province of Styria then threw the foot into an oven, hobbled to his garage and called an ambulance. An emergency operation was unable to reattach the foot, ORF said.
end


Ultimate laziness.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on March 28, 2012, 20:52:27
Ultimate laziness.

Combined with ultimate craziness.   
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on March 29, 2012, 08:28:22
Some old, some new.....

Why Marry?

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
__________

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
”Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
”Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.”
__________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
”Husband Wanted”.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:  ”You can have mine.”
__________

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
__________

A little boy asked his father,
”Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
Father replied, “I don't know son, I'm still paying.”
__________

A young son asked,
”Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?”
Dad replied, “That happens in every country, son.”
__________

Then there was a woman who said, ”I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.”
__________

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say – talk in your sleep.
__________

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.       :nod:
__________

First guy says, “My wife's an angel!”
Second guy remarks, “You're lucky, mine's still alive.”
__________

A Woman's Prayer

“Dear Lord,
I pray for wisdom to understand a man; to love and to forgive him; and for patience, for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for strength I'll just beat him to death!!”
__________

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, “Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.”

The blind man replies, “If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.”

 ;D

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on March 29, 2012, 10:17:29
This Is AMAZING!!!

           Until now I never fully understood how to tell The difference Between Male and Female Birds. I always thought it had to be determined surgically.  Until Now. 

           Below are Two Birds.. Study them closely...See If You Can Spot Which of The Two, Is The Female.  It can be done. Even by one with limited bird watching skills. !

                           *


                           *

                           *

                           *
Click on picture
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 211RadOp on March 29, 2012, 16:00:45
This Is AMAZING!!!

           Until now I never fully understood how to tell The difference Between Male and Female Birds. I always thought it had to be determined surgically.  Until Now. 

           Below are Two Birds.. Study them closely...See If You Can Spot Which of The Two, Is The Female.  It can be done. Even by one with limited bird watching skills. !

                           *


                           *

                           *

                           *
Click on picture

Goint out on a limb, I am going to guess the one on the right.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: George Wallace on March 29, 2012, 17:37:12
For the many Daves I know:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OtLL7pLM-yE







http://www.ottawacitizen.com/entertainment/Bureaucrats+video+lampoons+Ottawa+government+culture+with+video/6371817/story.html


Title: So Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport...
Post by: Kalatzi on March 30, 2012, 14:06:21
So Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

 "German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on April 02, 2012, 08:28:16
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old says, "You know what? I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell in it and you say something with ***."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat *** it won't be Cheerios."

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on April 03, 2012, 16:05:45
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

 Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

 The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

 Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

 A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

 The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

 The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
 So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

 The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

 The journalist leaves.

 The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

 U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS
 AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
 AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on April 04, 2012, 07:02:02
And we wonder why kids are so dumb:  Public education (http://iwastesomuchtime.com/on/?i=31106).   :facepalm:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hamish Seggie on April 04, 2012, 15:56:22
And we wonder why kids are so dumb:  Public education (http://iwastesomuchtime.com/on/?i=31106).   :facepalm:

Yes can't you accept the teachings? CONFESS!!!!  >:D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on April 05, 2012, 10:14:39
Stress (n.): the phenomenon caused when the brain's instinctual urge to scream, curse, and throw things is combated by the body's need to put on a happy face.

 :pullhair:

 :nod:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Loachman on April 05, 2012, 10:33:42
http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2012/04/04/19594346.html

Drunk trio goes through carwash naked

By Derek Bedry, QMI Agency
   
A trio of drunk 20-year-olds won't face charges for going through an Abbotsford, B.C., carwash naked. (Shutterstock)

VANCOUVER - Lucky for three drunk Abbotsford, B.C., men who went naked through a carwash, their records will remain squeaky clean.

Midnight Wednesday, police responded to calls from Abbotsford residents who woke to the sounds of screams.

“Somehow (the three men) found themselves outside a car wash, and conveniently there’s a shopping cart nearby,” said Const. Ian MacDonald. “They decided it would be a really good idea to strip down and run themselves and the cart through the car wash. Need I say they were intoxicated?”

MacDonald said the trio, all 20 years old, told police they weren’t sure if they had pressed the “typhoon” or “super typhoon” setting, but “whatever they chose had the effect of pounding them with really cold water and effectively pressure-washing them.”

“They did of course experience the effects of rotating bristles and likely warm soap, but it was the water that generated the greatest reaction, which was yelling and screaming that caused the neighbours to be awoken and call police,” MacDonald said.

After making sure they were not injured and listening to their apologies for what they recognized was a poor life choice, police sent the three men home to sleep it off.
 
MacDonald tweeted Wednesday: “Pressure washing yourself will not increase intelligence or sobriety.”
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Danjanou on April 05, 2012, 10:41:23
And we wonder why kids are so dumb:  Public education (http://iwastesomuchtime.com/on/?i=31106).   :facepalm:

I needed that Moe. 1994, 18 years ago. Alex was probably kicked out school but has ammassed a fortune running his own business. The rest of his classmates alternate between saying "would you like fries with that" and lining up for their welfare cheques. The teacher has retired on a noice indexed pension and spends her time writing comments on the CBC website.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on April 07, 2012, 15:00:52
JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN

A guy calls the company and orders their 5-day, 10 pound weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there before him stands
a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair
of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
after huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has
lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day, there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is
wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck
that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in
excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the
next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in
better and better shape.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
pound program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.

'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day, there's a knock at the door and, when he opens it, he
finds a huge, muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink
running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you,
you're mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on April 08, 2012, 12:49:58
Another great day!
 
Been to the gym, then had a nice shower.
 
I've just picked up a bottle of home brew from one of the neighbours for this afternoon.
 
I've got a few joints rolled up for the XBox tournament with the lads.
 
After that I'll muck around online with some porn and gambling sites.
 
Then to finish off the perfect day, it's a nice blow job before I go to bed.
 
Damn, I love prison!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on April 18, 2012, 14:24:14
Somehow I think you should be able to name this song.  I couldn't.  Guess I'm not bad enough yet.
.
.
.
.
.
You'll  kick yourself!! Think harder!!!!!
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.


.
 

 

Can you name the song, just by  looking at the picture?  (answer in 1 hour)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Cardstonkid on April 20, 2012, 15:04:42
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5QaFd59bjCE
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on April 20, 2012, 15:08:09
yep
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: alocin on April 20, 2012, 15:49:11
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fi9p2m.jpg&hash=75e20e6b53690ae645805afc42f600c4)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: SGT-RMSCLK on April 21, 2012, 14:29:54
Somehow I think you should be able to name this song.  I couldn't.  Guess I'm not bad enough yet.
.
.
.
.
.
You'll  kick yourself!! Think harder!!!!!
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.


.
 

 

Can you name the song, just by  looking at the picture?  (answer in 1 hour)

If they stay in there too long it will be "Blue Moon"
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: JPye on April 21, 2012, 17:14:25
Not sure if this had been posted yet, but I was entertained!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qhm7-LEBznk
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Journeyman on April 22, 2012, 22:31:21
Two words:

Over  Compensating    ::)


(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fchzbromania.files.wordpress.com%2F2012%2F04%2Fguidos-bros-douchebags-fratboys-clearly-not-overcompensating-for-anything1.jpg&hash=a47cf223d71b1d78e315b627741a997d)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: airmich on April 23, 2012, 00:01:19
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.


Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on April 23, 2012, 11:22:57
Scene from Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows where the gypsies are getting Holmes and Watson into Germany on horseback (highlight mine):

Sherlock Holmes: Uh, hmm... Right. Where are the wagons?
Madam Simza Heron: The wagon is too slow. Can't you ride?
Dr. John Watson: It's not that he can't ride... How is it you put it, Holmes?
Sherlock Holmes: They're dangerous at both ends and... crafty in the middle. Why would I want anything with a mind of its own bobbing about between my legs?


 :rofl:


Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: jollyjacktar on April 23, 2012, 11:45:00
A Newfie  walked into a bank in Toronto and asked for the loans officer. He told the loans officer that he was going to Newfoundland on business for two weeks and needed to borrow  $5,000, however he was not a depositor of the  bank. The bank officer told him that the bank  would need some form of security for the loan,  so the Newfie handed over the keys to a new  Ferrari.

The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.  The Newfie produced the  title and everything checked out. The loan  officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for  the loan and apologized for having to charge 12%  interest.

Later, the bank's president  and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the  Newfie for using a $250,000 Ferrari as  collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the  bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's  underground garage and parked it. Two weeks  later, the Newfie returned, repaid the $5,000  and the interest of $23.07.

The loan officer  said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your  business, and this transaction has worked out  very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While  you were away, we checked you out and found that  you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is,  why would you bother to borrow $5,000?' 


The  Newfie replied: 'Where else in Toronto can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?' 
 
 
 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: uptheglens on April 23, 2012, 22:09:30
An old video, but it still makes me snicker like a naughty schoolboy every time I see it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXPQY_VRP6M (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXPQY_VRP6M)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on April 23, 2012, 22:17:44
An old video, but it still makes me snicker like a naughty schoolboy every time I see it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXPQY_VRP6M (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXPQY_VRP6M)

 :rofl:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: jollyjacktar on April 24, 2012, 17:04:59
An old video, but it still makes me snicker like a naughty schoolboy every time I see it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXPQY_VRP6M (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXPQY_VRP6M)
Every time I see that one I laugh so hard it makes my guts hurt.  Thanks for sharing.  +300!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: jollyjacktar on April 24, 2012, 17:18:33
Stevie Starr, "The Regurgitator" from Britain's Got Talent 2010.  audition (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4D2Y1cILyI&feature=related)semi final (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ethCJ4bfJkg&feature=fvwrel)  Have seen him before, he's amazing.   :o
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on April 24, 2012, 17:28:11
With a name like "The Regurgitator", I'm not even going to click on the link.   :-X
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: jollyjacktar on April 24, 2012, 17:34:20
With a name like "The Regurgitator", I'm not even going to click on the link.   :-X
He has a fascinating talent, honest.  And all items come back dry.  It's not that gross, just eye popping.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on April 25, 2012, 11:04:05
Somehow I think you should be able to name this song.  I couldn't.  Guess I'm not bad enough yet.

You'll  kick yourself!! Think harder!!!!!

Can you name the song, just by  looking at the picture?  (answer in 1 hour)

So, what the hell was it?   ???


Here's one.  I'm sure we've met at least one of each type.

"There are three kinds of people; those who learn by reading, those who learn by observing and those who touch the fire to see if it's really hot."

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on April 25, 2012, 11:20:37
Moonriver
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on April 25, 2012, 11:48:46
Moonriver

 :facepalm:

Funny.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Jarnhamar on April 25, 2012, 13:20:48
For army.ca grammar nazis


(https://wordyhumour.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/snoopy1.jpg)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Loachman on April 25, 2012, 18:15:46
http://www.duffelblog.com/2012/04/fleshlights-issued-to-male-soldiers-in-bid-to-decrease-combat-zone-pregnancies/
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on April 26, 2012, 12:15:59
Redneck Father
 
A Redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby.
 
Upon arriving he sits down, and the nurse says, "Congratulations, your wife has had quins, 5 big baby boys."

The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney."

The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, the babies are black."
    


Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on April 27, 2012, 14:57:57
So true.....

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F25.media.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_m34t8vzVz11r0wqrdo1_500.jpg&hash=aec9efea7ea607148319052a474b2254)

 >:D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: recceguy on April 27, 2012, 15:06:51
So true.....

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F25.media.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_m34t8vzVz11r0wqrdo1_500.jpg&hash=aec9efea7ea607148319052a474b2254)

 >:D

There supposed to be a family?

I thought they were successful engagements with my truck ::)

Now I have to scrape mine off the back window :facepalm:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Journeyman on April 27, 2012, 15:11:51
No, that's this one...  :nod:

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fecx.images-amazon.com%2Fimages%2FI%2F317BsB17gKL._SS400_.jpg&hash=3f46df617ea658bfaff6fcae2f658b1a)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on April 29, 2012, 21:37:05
Pure fu****** awesome!!!!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: jollyjacktar on April 30, 2012, 11:35:23
The testicles of a Newfoundland midget hurt and ached all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about this.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he'd have a look. The midget dropped his pants.

The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.  The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the
midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.  "Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors.  Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side ... then snip-snip-snip-snip
on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and
discovered his boys were no longer aching.

The doctor said," How does that feel now?"The midget replied, "Perfect Doc , and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"  The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your rubber boots."
Title: How U.S. Commanders Deal With Their Military Allies (Satire)
Post by: Kalatzi on May 01, 2012, 15:04:38
Respduduced under the fair dealings provision of the copyright act
from Time - Link here
http://battleland.blogs.time.com/2012/05/01/how-u-s-commanders-deal-with-their-military-allies/#more-72877

We’re all familiar with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and her five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and, finally, acceptance.

Well, over at Best Defense, Tom Ricks has come up with a similar construct detailing the six stages U.S. military commanders go through in their dealings with their local counterparts in Afghanistan and Iraq:

1. Upon arrival: “Ok, Ahmed, Mohammed, whatever your name is, there’s a new sheriff in town — and you’re looking at him.”

2. Weeks later: “Colonel Localguy, Major Otherguy, please sit down. Here is a Powerpoint briefing on what you’re gonna do.”

3. Weeks more later: “Ok, I got it. I can be sensitive! So, colonel, this is what we are gonna do.”

4. Many weeks more: “Now that I am beginning to understand this place, this is what I think we should do.”

5. Months into the tour: “I’m at my wits’ end. What do you think we should do?”

6. Near end of tour: “Before we leave, is there anything I can do to help you achieve your goals?”

Repeat with each rotation until the American people tire of the war.


Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on May 02, 2012, 11:28:33
Out for the night

We were dressed and ready to go out for the Party.  We turned
 on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet  parakeet
 and put the cat in the backyard.

 We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.  The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

 As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scooted  back into the house.  We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she  always tries to eat the bird.

 My wife went on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.  Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night , so she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon, saying
 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

 A few minutes later, I got into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said,  as we drove away.  'That stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her *** with a coat hanger to get her to come out!  She tried to take off,
 so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.  But it worked! I hauled her fat *** downstairs  and threw her out into the back yard!  She'd better not crap in the vegetable garden again!'

 The silence in the cab was deafening.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on May 02, 2012, 18:42:17
Whenever I want to tell my kids where to go... I just crank up the speakers and play this video.  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nc_LIR5ExIU) They "usually" get the point after the first minute on repeat.    :evil:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on May 02, 2012, 20:03:12
VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND (Sure it was)
 
 
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"
 
 
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
 
 
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."
 
 
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
 
 
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
 
 
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
 
 
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
 
 
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PPCLI Guy on May 09, 2012, 19:42:35
Kinda says it all...
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on May 10, 2012, 11:42:04
Sensible Observations


1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather -- who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car.'
--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.'
--Author Unknown
 
3) 'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.'
--Drew Carey

4) 'The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house.'
--Jeff Foxworthy

5) 'If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.'
--Dave Barry

6) 'Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice,
there should be severance pay, the day before they leave
you, and they should have to find you a temp.'
--Bob Ettinger

7) 'My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.''
--Paula Poundstone--


8) 'A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: 'Duh.'
--Conan O'Brien

9) 'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
I could be eating a slow learner.'
--Lynda Montgomery

10) 'I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.''
--Richard Jeni

11) 'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead.'
--Johnny Carson

12) 'Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.'
--Paul Rodriguez

13) 'My parents didn't want to move to Florida ,
but they turned 60 and that's the law.'
--Jerry Seinfeld

14) 'Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people burn slower?'
--Warren Hutcherson

15) 'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same.'
--Oscar Wilde

16) 'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
member of Congress (or a school board). But I repeat myself.'
--Mark Twain

17) 'Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Afghanistan.'
--A. Whitney Brown

18) 'You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
and the dog will give you a look that says,
'My God, you're right!
I never would've thought of that!''
--Dave Barry

19) Do you know why they call it 'PMS'?
Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was taken.
-- Unknown ... presumed deceased

20) 'Everybody's got to believe in something
I believe I'll have another beer.'
--W. C. Fields

And lastly: Why in the hell should I have to 'Press 1 for English?'
--Every American
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Sadukar09 on May 10, 2012, 15:08:06
Told by a fellow private on BMQ pre-grad party...true story.

I saw a Captain walking down the street. On the opposite side, a Corporal walked past.

The Captain shouted across the street, ordering the Corporal to come over.

When the Corporal got over, the Captain started berating him for not saluting him.

The Captain ordered the poor Corporal to salute him 100 times.

"100 sir!"

"Dismissed Corporal!"

"Hold on a moment Corporal..."

Just as the Corporal was about to leave, the CWO watching the whole thing nearby spoke up...

"Now sir, please return the 100 salutes."

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Sythen on May 10, 2012, 17:30:59
Told by a fellow private on BMQ pre-grad party...true story.

I saw a Captain walking down the street. On the opposite side, a Corporal walked past.

The Captain shouted across the street, ordering the Corporal to come over.

When the Corporal got over, the Captain started berating him for not saluting him.

The Captain ordered the poor Corporal to salute him 100 times.

"100 sir!"

"Dismissed Corporal!"

"Hold on a moment Corporal..."

Just as the Corporal was about to leave, the CWO watching the whole thing nearby spoke up...

"Now sir, please return the 100 salutes."

haha I would have loved to see the look on that officer's face!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on May 11, 2012, 16:05:49
Drinking & Driving
     
I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.  As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
     
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many martinis and some rather nice red wine.  Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.
     
Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.  I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

 :blotto:   ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: LineJumper on May 12, 2012, 15:13:32
Drinking & Driving
     
 I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

 :blotto:   ;D

This brings a big smile and a memory from Pet in the early 90's. "No names no packdrill".  :blotto:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on May 15, 2012, 13:36:52
Foam party at Eglin

A reddit user uploaded this photo of a hangar at Eglin Air Force Base, Fla., that had a rather unfortunate mishap. Reportedly, a spark set off the hangar’s fire suppression system, covering the A-10, F-15 and F-16 in foam.  You can only imagine the fun the maintenance crew had cleaning up the mess.

http://militarytimes.com/blogs/flightlines/2012/05/15/foam-party-at-eglin/#.T7J8_VxNANQ.twitter


Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on May 15, 2012, 14:18:43
Foam party at Eglin

A reddit user uploaded this photo of a hangar at Eglin Air Force Base, Fla., that had a rather unfortunate mishap. Reportedly, a spark set off the hangar’s fire suppression system, covering the A-10, F-15 and F-16 in foam.  You can only imagine the fun the maintenance crew had cleaning up the mess.

But no fire....
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: LineJumper on May 15, 2012, 16:54:14
But no fire....

Better a simple spark than a major flash methinks.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on May 15, 2012, 17:32:30
If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on May 15, 2012, 17:46:34
Pokémon® trainer is not an MOSID..
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on May 15, 2012, 18:07:35
Grammar Nazi...
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on May 16, 2012, 10:22:36
Lamborghini driver's embarrassing high-speed turn (http://www.cbc.ca/news/offbeat/story/2012/05/16/video-lamborghini-accident.html)

Video at link

 :rofl:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on May 16, 2012, 18:59:39
I did my EXPRES test today. The PSP lady decide to pace us the first level or two. I got to one line and heard "Thump". The PSP lady did a face plant into the floor. I was laughing too hard during the test.


 ;D


Such a show off...
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on May 17, 2012, 18:08:51
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F25.media.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_m464ehWqlH1r0wqrdo1_500.jpg&hash=3bcc6949664b46169013574121744f00)

I miss the Gummy Bears from Germany......    :'(
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 2010newbie on May 17, 2012, 18:39:07
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F25.media.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_m464ehWqlH1r0wqrdo1_500.jpg&hash=3bcc6949664b46169013574121744f00)

I miss the Gummy Bears from Germany......    :'(

Haribo? There are a lot of local places that are starting to sell them. Saw a big bag at Wal-Mart the other day too.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on May 17, 2012, 18:40:50
Haribo? There are a lot of local places that are starting to sell them. Saw a big bag at Wal-Mart the other day too.

Cool, thanks.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on May 19, 2012, 16:01:22
U.S.Navy releases Al Qaeda Terrorist

I can’ t believe it!!!!!

The US Navy today announced that it has released a senior Al Qaeda terrorist after questioning him extensively for 27 days while being held prisoner aboard a US aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea .

In a humanitarian gesture, the terrorist was given $50 US and a white 1962 Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from custody.

The attached photo shows the terrorist on his way home just after being released by the Navy.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: jollyjacktar on May 23, 2012, 08:44:34
A Canadian Army Officer was about to start the morning briefing to all of his staff.
 
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the officer decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before, and therefore he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question;  "How much of the act of sex is "work," and how much is "pure pleasure"?

A Captain chimed in with a 75-25% in favour of 'work'.
 
A Lieutenant said it was probably about 50-50%.
 
A Warrant-Officer responded with a 25-75% in favour of 'pleasure', depending
upon his state of inebriation at the time.
 
There being no consensus, the Officer turned to the Newfie private who was in charge of making the coffee.
What was HIS opinion?

  Without any hesitation, the young Newfie responded,
"Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure, Sir."
 
The Officer seemed a little surprised and as you might guess, asked, "And why is that, soldier" ?
 
 "Well, Sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them, Sir".
 
The room fell silent.   God Bless the Newfie.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on May 23, 2012, 19:22:35
Grammar Nazis...  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N4vf8N6GpdM&feature=fvwrel)

I did nazi this coming!

I don't like Jew jokes Anne Frankly, they are not in Mein Kampfort zone.

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on May 23, 2012, 19:24:05
I'm Führerious that you keep making nazi jokes.


These jokes are seriously crossing the rhein
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on May 24, 2012, 21:42:52
 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 57Chevy on May 26, 2012, 20:55:58
Spotted this on Gentleman's Military Interest Club
interesting site and quite well done:
http://gmic.co.uk/

I got a good laugh at this, check it out.
Amendment to Awards ( New Ribbon System)
http://gmic.co.uk/index.php?app=core&module=attach&section=attach&attach_rel_module=post&attach_id=233334
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on May 28, 2012, 11:25:50
The 11th Husband

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing;  even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process, but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was ........... God, how I miss him.

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited."

"Wonderful," said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT"..

This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED.
 
 
 

 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on May 28, 2012, 16:31:10
Vegan zombies......

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.iwastesomuchtime.com%2F5222012155111iwsmt.jpeg&hash=45830f8823fc52b9f405544bacc6d863)

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on May 30, 2012, 08:22:08
Let's eat grandma.
Let's eat, grandma.
Punctuation saves lives.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on May 30, 2012, 20:44:13
Don't mock our military (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=fvwp&NR=1&v=LJFyTADfxK4)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on June 01, 2012, 10:23:17
Alright, I just have to announce that my post about anti Christian image was very unacceptable. I do apologize to everyone and the member that I upsetted. Hopfully the Mods can remove the image soon.

Regards,
Macey
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Bruce Monkhouse on June 01, 2012, 10:27:10
It was reported to us and we all agreed that it was funny stuff................one could insert whatever religion, or thing, one wanted in the poster.
It wasn't Christian bashing, it was just a joke............some people need to know the difference.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on June 01, 2012, 11:04:06
some people need to know the difference

Message received.   :salute:


:sarcasm:




Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Bruce Monkhouse on June 01, 2012, 11:08:31
TK,......if that poster has said "Muslim" or "NDHQ type",...would you have reported it??
If the answer is yes, than you have a legitimate beef,...if the answer is no, than that is being thin-skinned.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Danjanou on June 01, 2012, 12:00:04


(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ftorontohmg.org%2Fforum%2Fdownload%2Ffile.php%3Fid%3D293&hash=81c0cadbba905b466df07a25a26c0182)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on June 01, 2012, 12:03:02
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.kulfoto.com%2Fpic%2F0001%2F0013%2F6Qs1712830.jpg&hash=d6427a4a57699c161f9f01525e0b8cd1)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on June 01, 2012, 12:27:02
Maverick: Talk to me, Goose.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Sythen on June 01, 2012, 12:27:55
GOOSE!

Duck, Duck, Goose.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on June 01, 2012, 13:43:38
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mileanhour.com%2Ffiles%2F2012%2F5%2Fdaily-picdump-973-640-37.jpg&hash=f9222bf8116dd3f0215caadc598aa4ca)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 57Chevy on June 02, 2012, 18:32:22
 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on June 07, 2012, 20:20:25
I CAN REMEMBER MOST OF THESE: 
 

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside...I just finished cleaning.”,
 
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”,
 
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!”,
 
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why.”,
 
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.”,
 
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.”,
 
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.”,
 
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”,
 
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”,
 
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”,
 
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”,
 
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!”,
 
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”,
 
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!”,
 
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.”,

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home.”,
 
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!”,
 
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”,
 
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?”,
 
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.”,
 
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.”,
 
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father.”,
 
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”,
 
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.”,
 
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
 
 
Only you folks my age understand these profound statements!   But, there is one missing from this list.  My personal all-time favorite!...
 
My mother taught me about CHOICE.
"Do you want me to stop this car?"

 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: DexOlesa on June 07, 2012, 21:28:07
Heh. I remember most of those and I'm 25, though to be fair while most did come from my mother, some would be Grandma.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Journeyman on June 08, 2012, 11:59:48
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fweknowmemes.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F06%2Fon-the-internet-you-can-choose-to-be-anything-240x180.jpg&hash=ad49379179d48182cd23b474d27aa0ee)

Sadly, it doesn't seem confined to the Recruiting threads.  :not-again:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: jollyjacktar on June 11, 2012, 10:28:16
The Ex-pat's Dilemma

I was in London....and

I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read

'I miss South Africa'.

So I broke the window, took the radio and left a note that read,

'I hope this helps'
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on June 11, 2012, 16:39:10
The image is quite large, so here's the link: http://www.meh.ro/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/meh.ro9970.png (http://www.meh.ro/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/meh.ro9970.png) (click on it for magnification)

 :rofl:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on June 11, 2012, 16:45:29
He does know how to get his goat..... ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: fraserdw on June 11, 2012, 16:46:43
The Ex-pat's Dilema

I was in London....and

I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read

'I miss South Africa'.

So I broke the window, took the radio and left a note that read,

'I hope this helps'

Somehow I think he means the South Africa before marjority rule!  I appreciate the humour though!!!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Journeyman on June 12, 2012, 01:50:26
Somehow I think he means the South Africa before marjority rule!
Ohhhhhh, now I get it. Here I thought he was referring to a jigsaw puzzle atlas.....and the pieces south of Zimbabwe were missing.   

Thank you for helping us dullards along.   :nod:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on June 12, 2012, 10:33:40
Shampoo Warning! You must read!

It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!!

INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT!!!!

WARNING TO US ALL!!!


Shampoo Warning!
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!
I use shampoo in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and
Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

"FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."

No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and
I am going to start showering with Dawn dish
soap instead. Its label reads,

"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on June 12, 2012, 11:15:45

Transportation in Heaven

And it came to pass that an angel came up to three newly-dead men and said - "You are all to be allocated a method for transportation around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."

The angel looked at the first guy, Dave, and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man in life. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge."

The angel next looked at the second guy, Jon, and said, "You were not as sinful, but you still cheated on your wife twice. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."

The angel finally looked at our hero, Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife. For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."

A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari. There he is, sitting on the bonnet, his head in his hands, crying.

"What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You're set forever! Why so down?"

Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth, and said, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on June 14, 2012, 21:39:28
A joke from a woman's perspective.

Bagpiper
 
 
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a
 
funeral director to play at a graveside service for a
 
homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service
 
was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back
 
country.
 
 
 
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and
 
being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally
 
arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
 
gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
 
 
 
There were only the diggers and crew left, and they were
 
eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the men for being
 
late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down, and
 
the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else
 
to do, so I started to play.
 
 
 
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather
 
around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no
 
family and friends. I played like I've never played before
 
for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace," the
 
workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept
 
together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and
 
started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was
 
full.
 
 
 
As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the
 
workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and
 
I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
 
 
 
Why can't men just ask for directions?
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: cupper on June 14, 2012, 22:07:28
The image is quite large, so here's the link: http://www.meh.ro/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/meh.ro9970.png (http://www.meh.ro/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/meh.ro9970.png) (click on it for magnification)

 :rofl:

The engineer in me says that the simple solution and most suitable (read karmic) solution would be to replace the window glass with mirrored glass. >:D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: agc on June 18, 2012, 12:41:26
 :o
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on June 18, 2012, 12:55:05
 :rofl:   :rofl:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Jimmy_D on June 18, 2012, 13:00:04
Just forwarded that to a guy about to leave on his HHT. LOL Thanks.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 211RadOp on June 18, 2012, 13:35:58
:o

Passed to my Sqn 2IC to ensure he follows the guidelines  :nod:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on June 18, 2012, 16:45:25
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F24.media.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_m5qdma31gU1rxhp3lo1_500.jpg&hash=3b47aea95f6039a4e11577c191c7afac)

 :rofl:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on June 24, 2012, 18:17:09
DIVORCE SETTLEMENT
 
On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
 
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
 
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of spring-water.
 
When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.
 
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
 
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.
 
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
 

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
 
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
 
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.
 
Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
 
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
 
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
 
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
 
Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
 
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.
 
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
 
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ...
 

and just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods !!!
 

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU...?
 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on June 26, 2012, 12:37:37
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FIrpJz.jpg&hash=b8ac671e92afff7a16f130c28eaf6c05)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on June 26, 2012, 12:38:32
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.clevescene.com%2Fimages%2Fblogimages%2F2010%2F12%2F22%2F1293036840-picture_755.png&hash=54931efe8b7885c59c1025c5bdc48d30)
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.clevescene.com%2Fimages%2Fblogimages%2F2010%2F12%2F22%2F1293036449-picture_754.png&hash=7ceffd73275c5f0deac7b1096f4b5c9f)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Paul_Ontario on June 27, 2012, 11:23:39
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fag7jO.jpg&hash=fa6e314a27e7e2678eb9be4f19f92f1a)

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FrS0ly.jpg&hash=ab23adb9d954b81879fe0e44970c6339)

The doctor said I could only have one glass a day, and I told him "no problem!"
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on June 27, 2012, 18:34:52
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F24.media.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_m67npoMwfH1qewacoo1_500.png&hash=96920dc7a8996ab65ae6215555d7a681)

Yep, start 'em early.   :nod:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Eye In The Sky on June 28, 2012, 16:08:41
 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: cupper on June 28, 2012, 20:04:48
Quote from an Anglican priest during debates over blessing of same sex marriage within the church:

"If Assholes could fly, this place would be an airport."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on June 28, 2012, 21:53:18
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fa2.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F282328_3548712871420_131392235_n.jpg&hash=b48c991b1044a7ef3cdd17a7c7d2c32a)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on June 29, 2012, 10:09:49
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/483929_466153260064298_285039870_n.jpg)

 :cheers:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: cupper on June 29, 2012, 19:51:52
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/483929_466153260064298_285039870_n.jpg)

 :cheers:

Is it a bad sign that my liver shuddered when I read that? :dunno:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Danjanou on June 30, 2012, 00:13:13
Is it a bad sign that my liver shuddered when I read that? :dunno:

You still have a liver? noob. 8)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: cupper on June 30, 2012, 01:34:00
You still have a liver? noob. 8)

It's my second one. ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: airmich on June 30, 2012, 20:19:00
RETARDED GRANDPARENTS
                   

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school...

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.

The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.

Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.


Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on June 30, 2012, 21:21:01
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fa1.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F521486_294724577289670_1450505597_n.jpg&hash=17048e216796b9c7d1801cc81fec6d4f)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PPCLI Guy on July 01, 2012, 02:23:05
Is it a bad sign that my liver shuddered when I read that? :dunno:

The liver is evil and must be punished!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Vyscaria on July 01, 2012, 02:29:21
http://s16.postimage.org/qb2tnnxcj/How_CF_trades_react_to_snakes.png (http://s16.postimage.org/qb2tnnxcj/How_CF_trades_react_to_snakes.png)

I made this a few months ago as a joke after completing BMQ... Some of text this is based on is probably floating around here somewhere already, though I did add my own personal flair. ;)
I only showed it to members of my course, but maybe you peeps will find it funny too.

2 inside jokes here:

1. On my course, the clerks scored very well on PWT1 and PWT2. Yes, better than the combat arms guys. Respect.
2. There were no weapons techs on the course, and a running joke was that if one was there, they'd get harassed constantly by the weaponsinspections!crazy course staff. We even made up an imaginary weapons tech and credited him when we all passed weapons cleaning inspections.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on July 01, 2012, 18:55:42
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fa4.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F532284_434082963299021_310925337_n.jpg&hash=4ea2fbce212c953c5e18c6f495563cc2)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Old Sweat on July 01, 2012, 18:59:35
Here is a link to our national anthem being played on empty Molson Canadian cans and bottles.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBI68Il4Zsc&feature=youtu.be

An alternate link:

http://youtu.be/FBI68Il4Zsc
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on July 01, 2012, 19:28:07
Here is a link to our national anthem being played on empty Molson Canadian cans and bottles.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBI68Il4Zsc&feature=youtu.be

An alternate link:

http://youtu.be/FBI68Il4Zsc
Amazing!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: cupper on July 01, 2012, 23:32:46
Another argument for the US ending the death penalty. This time it's very compelling.

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on July 03, 2012, 22:07:05
This (http://www.foddy.net/Athletics.html) is just too funny.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PPCLI Guy on July 03, 2012, 23:45:49
14.8m....on my knees
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on July 09, 2012, 06:42:01
The Quick Brown Fox jumped over the Lazy Dog

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FVT0Nd.gif&hash=a2eba5f5a60fa4529909d418073b72a7)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on July 09, 2012, 09:14:07
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.iwastesomuchtime.com%2F762012035632iwsmt.jpeg&hash=d755520f9987e10791d99d6550a29067)

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on July 09, 2012, 15:53:18
Somalia Cruise
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on July 10, 2012, 11:04:42
To go along with all those "People of Wal-Mart" emails....

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.iwastesomuchtime.com%2F7920122224174717466.jpeg&hash=c7412af38d23bb3c168bcab891d18a2f)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on July 12, 2012, 10:31:04
United Nations initiated a poll in which people from all around the world were asked for their honest opinion regarding lack of food in rest of the world.

The poll was a failure: Russians didn't know the meaning of "ask", South-Americans didn't understand "honest", Chinese were unfamiliar with the word "opinion", Europeans didn't know "lack", Africans had never heard of "food", and Americans knew nothing about "rest of the world."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: RDJP on July 12, 2012, 11:32:19
Somalia Cruise

Not a bad idea, if only the legalities could be worked out.  ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on July 12, 2012, 17:17:28
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.iwastesomuchtime.com%2F7112012175550fgdgh.jpeg&hash=d4b4012b86264167e89296249275dbba)

Only cancer?  I think it would make my eyes melt, my heart stop and my head explode....   :o
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: PMedMoe on July 16, 2012, 17:50:06
Sean is the pastor of a Church of England parish on the Northern Ireland/Southern Ireland border and Patrick is the priest in the Roman Catholic Church across the road.

One day they are seen together, pounding a sign into the ground, which says:

TA END IS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
AFOR IT IS TOO LATE!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Irish religious nutters! We don't need your lectures!"

From the next curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Rev. Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Pastor Sean agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say, 'Bridge Out?'"     
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on July 17, 2012, 15:16:47
Wal-Mart Car Show -‏
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on July 17, 2012, 15:18:11
More
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on July 17, 2012, 15:19:55
and more
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: NavyShooter on July 17, 2012, 21:20:33
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s480x480/402962_401319023267509_60316076_n.jpg)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on July 19, 2012, 12:03:37
A good laugh for people in the over 50 group !!!


When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.


That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting World.


My phone was  beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.


The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.


I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely  tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship..
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.


To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.


The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of  those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.


Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Journeyman on July 19, 2012, 12:09:13
..... still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
I'd heard that when the guy who invented the TV remote died, he was buried between two sofa cushions.   :nod:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on July 24, 2012, 21:54:14
Husband took the wife to a dance on the weekend. 
 
There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large - breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. 
 
The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he  proposed to me and I turned him down." 
 
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Cardstonkid on July 25, 2012, 18:29:10



SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.


No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'


FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ***-hole’s name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.


THERE YOU HAVE IT...and remember, life is good.




Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on July 27, 2012, 19:02:11
Captain Obvious (http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Captain_Obvious)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on July 27, 2012, 19:56:24
Husband says to wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I'll wear Gold tonight."
 
Wife says, "Why not wear Silver and finish second for a change."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on August 01, 2012, 14:15:00
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hey George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on August 01, 2012, 20:36:26
Olympic divers on the toilet

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FtATDI.jpg&hash=361a3ba55c14ba839bae906203848092)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on August 02, 2012, 13:02:39
The wife left a note on the fridge:

“It’s not working, I can’t take it anymore!
Gone to stay at my Dad’s."

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.

Not sure what she was talking about!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on August 03, 2012, 12:57:28
I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century ' they said.  'We don't waste money on newspapers.  Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that damn fly never knew what hit it...
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: cupper on August 03, 2012, 20:44:48
I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century ' they said.  'We don't waste money on newspapers.  Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that damn fly never knew what hit it...
:rofl:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Retired AF Guy on August 04, 2012, 10:36:41
I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century ' they said.  'We don't waste money on newspapers.  Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that damn fly never knew what hit it...

Hilarious!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: jollyjacktar on August 05, 2012, 20:53:26
I understand that Rita MacNeil has been tragically killed in an aviation accident.  She was wearing a Malcolm X tee shirt near the Sydney Airport, and a helicopter landed on her...
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on August 05, 2012, 23:41:44
 Old Ads - We'll Never See Again !
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: cupper on August 05, 2012, 23:46:14
Mmmm.

Nothing says morning like a hot steaming bowl of sanitized tapeworms.

Yummmmmy
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: FlyingDutchman on August 06, 2012, 12:20:45
Huh, and all this time I thought pickled tape works were the way to go.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on August 06, 2012, 12:40:34
A few more Old Ads - We'll Never See Again !
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on August 06, 2012, 20:21:19
Now that we have a theme:

(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fthesocietypages.org%2Fsocimages%2Ffiles%2F2008%2F09%2Fbody-history-lysol-douche.jpg&hash=0534e703813d60b3efd38aef0db8eafb)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on August 07, 2012, 20:30:13
New NASA image
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on August 09, 2012, 11:58:49
CANADIAN HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions ..

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Canada ’s third language.

Children from two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.

Brampton schoolgirl expelled for not wearing a Burqa: Sharia law must be enforced.

Japan announces that Japanese will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and workers in the scientific research fleet are unemployed.
Canadian Government has told the Japanese that Grey and Black Squirrels taste like whale meat.

Canada now has ten Universities of Political Correctness. Professor Goldman Of U of T says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people Saying what they think.

Canada 's deficit $20 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

Wall Street banks merge to form new super bank, Goldman Rothschild Ebeneezer Epstein Drescher (GREED): Huge bonuses paid to executives to celebrate launch.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Iran still quarantined.. Physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. No other country has volunteered to come forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.

Canada Post raises price of stamps to $28 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After a ten year $175.8 billion study, commissioned by the Liberal Party, Scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of a Canadian male drops to 252 lbs.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil and human Rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven Inches.

New Canadian Liberal government law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and Rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons..

Revenue Canada sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent.

Toronto Maple Leafs won this year’s Ontario Senior A cup final beating the Brampton Hindu Hornets 4-1.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on August 10, 2012, 16:23:04
    Dead Penguins - I never knew this!


    Did you ever wonder why there are no dead  penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
    Where do they go?

    Wonder no more ! !
                !
    It is a known fact that the penguin is a  very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and  complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as  well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring  throughout its life.

    If a penguin is found dead on the
                ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been
                known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and
                beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled
                into, and buried.

    The male penguins then gather in a circle
                around the fresh grave and
              sing:


    "Freeze a jolly good fellow."

    "Freeze a jolly good fellow."


    You really didn't believe that I know anything about  penguins, did you?

    It's so easy to fool OLD people.

    I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!!
     


    Oh quit whining I fell for it, too  ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: cupper on August 10, 2012, 20:31:21
Cheers to you sir. You just brightened my otherwise crappy past couple of days.

Milpoints inbound.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: jollyjacktar on August 16, 2012, 13:22:04
From an email I received today.  Shared under the fair dealings provision of Sec. 29 of Copyright Act.   ;D

THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the  Miami Herald.
 
Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.  A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the  colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through   Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,  reassuring and patient manner.  I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'   I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for  a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.  I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's
enemies...

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.  Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.  In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I  had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.   Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.  You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.  (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons).  Then you have to drink the whole jug.  This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'  This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?  This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.  You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.  You eliminate everything.  And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
 
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.  Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurts.  I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'  How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
 
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.  Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.  Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.  At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.  You would have no choice but to burn your house.
 
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.  I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.  I was seriously nervous at this point.  Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.  There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA.  I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
 
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.  'Ha ha,' I said.  And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade..  If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea.  Really.  I slept through it.  One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.  Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.  I felt excellent.  I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ. 

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
 
1.  Take it easy Doc. You ’ re boldly going where no man has gone before.

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'   

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Davionn on August 16, 2012, 13:44:16
 :rofl:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Danjanou on August 16, 2012, 16:36:22
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F2.bp.blogspot.com%2F-ZAHBHPNG1tk%2FUCGR3hs-JHI%2FAAAAAAAAFu4%2F6XlsrjsEQzQ%2Fs1600%2FUN_INVOLVED.jpg&hash=ee5666e8a57c3ce356f20e8d8051ae15)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on August 16, 2012, 19:33:35
meow...
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on August 17, 2012, 20:54:11
Funny, Stupid and Banned Commercials......

http://www.rtbot.net/play.php?id=Xv1tMioGgXI (http://www.rtbot.net/play.php?id=Xv1tMioGgXI)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on August 18, 2012, 14:27:25
A lesson in irony...

        The Food Bank Program, administered by Social Welfare Canada, is actually proud of the fact it is distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food vouchers ever!
         
        Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the Canada Parks and Natural Resources, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals."
        Their stated reason for the policy is because the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.
         
        This ends today's lesson!
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Sigs Pig on August 20, 2012, 12:33:52
Only to be a DR....

ME
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Hamish Seggie on August 20, 2012, 23:09:11
A lesson in irony...

        The Food Bank Program, administered by Social Welfare Canada, is actually proud of the fact it is distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food vouchers ever!
         
        Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the Canada Parks and Natural Resources, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals."
        Their stated reason for the policy is because the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.
         
        This ends today's lesson!

Amen brother.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on August 28, 2012, 19:03:14
IRS tax return rejection
 
I just received my tax return for 2011 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!!

They are questioning how many dependents I claimed. I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
I replied:

12 million illegal immigrants;
3 million crack heads;
42 million unemployed people on food stamps,
535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate.
and 1 useless President.”

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Baden Guy on August 31, 2012, 19:46:24
WHO IS JACK  SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. 

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. 

They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. 

The deeply religious couple produced six children:

Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her  parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. 
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the ne wspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg,  Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the  world.
He recently returned from Italy  with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, You don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

.
 
 

     

 
 

 

 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: 57Chevy on September 05, 2012, 21:36:37
Impossibilities in the world

Ha ! :D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on September 05, 2012, 23:36:17
Suicide Bomber Gets Shot Out Of a Cannon At a Drone, Misses
Article Link (http://www.theglobaledition.com/suicide-bomber-shot-out-of-cannon-at-drone-missed/)
 
ISLAMABAD, PAKISTAN (The Global Edition) — Due to a lack of funding by major terrorist organizations, a shadowy militant group attempted to take down a U.S. drone by firing out one of its suicide bombers from an actual cannon directly at it, near the capital of Pakistan earlier this week, sources say.

The attempt of a group calling itself the Al-Poorah Front resulted in a complete failure as the marksmen missed the drone and blasted 18-year-old Ashur Abu-Khalid into a nearby building, causing serious injuries to young Pakistani and a minor damage to the building.

The group issued a statement recorded on a VHS tape and then uploaded via dial-up to their Livejournal page: “This was a message to all the big terrorist organizations out there so they can see our willingness and dedication to fight the infidels,” read a distorted voice, with black text scrolling across a white screen and Islamic chanting playing in the background.

The distorted voice also said that the “terrorist game isn’t really easy for poor countries who don’t have any special outside funding, but they are looking and willing to talk with foreign investors so they can organize proper terrorist attacks like plane takeovers with bomb wired vests, so they don’t have to waste any more valuable men by firing them out of old cannons at silly drones.”

The Al-Poorah Front has claimed past attacks through statements posted on militant websites, taking credits for such acts as “throwing a rock through a window at a NATO base”, “Letting the air out of tires of U.S. soldiers’ vehicles, then scratching them with keys” and most notorious of all “burning an American flag in a dark and deserted alley”.
end
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on September 06, 2012, 12:18:09
One-question IQ Test
 
Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......
 
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
 
Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
 
Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


He opens his mouth and says. 'I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses.' If you got this wrong, please turn off your computer and call it a day.
I've got mine shutting down right now.
(You know you missed it too, so shut down your computer).
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Sigs Pig on September 07, 2012, 17:02:50
Another Amazon.com funny...
Banana Slicer (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B001F5STWU/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_dp_VdMpqb0JNGAQX)

Read the reviews at the bottom of the page.  HA!

ME
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: jollyjacktar on September 07, 2012, 18:36:32
Another Amazon.com funny...
Banana Slicer (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B001F5STWU/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_dp_VdMpqb0JNGAQX)

Read the reviews at the bottom of the page.  HA!

ME

Good catch, love that Amazon humour.  300+
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Rifleman62 on September 08, 2012, 14:04:39
Listen to this actual radio gun ad in Texas . It's only a minute long - stay on, it gets better at the end. Keller's Riverside Gun Store in Mason , Texas . This is a real commercial ad.

http://biggeekdad.com/2011/10/kellers-riverside-store/
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Retired AF Guy on September 08, 2012, 22:50:41
Listen to this actual radio gun ad in Texas . It's only a minute long - stay on, it gets better at the end. Keller's Riverside Gun Store in Mason , Texas . This is a real commercial ad.

http://biggeekdad.com/2011/10/kellers-riverside-store/

I'm betting they don't have Human Rights Committees/Commissions in that part of Texas.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: jollyjacktar on September 09, 2012, 09:03:43
Listen to this actual radio gun ad in Texas . It's only a minute long - stay on, it gets better at the end. Keller's Riverside Gun Store in Mason , Texas . This is a real commercial ad.

http://biggeekdad.com/2011/10/kellers-riverside-store/
He is at least up front about his intentions and customer base.  I expect no less from a Texan.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Thucydides on September 09, 2012, 23:19:05
The unexpected downside to Kickstarter:

http://www.nbcnews.com/technology/gadgetbox/16-kickstarter-projects-could-destroy-civilization-974501

Quote
16 Kickstarter projects that could destroy civilization

Sure, these projects seem quirky now, but that scrappy amateur fusion reactor might blow up the Earth. Fund at your own risk.

1. The space elevator
This project has been in the news all day, a 2km space elevator designed to hover over the moon first, and then eventually earth. The founders sound legit, but isn't this the sort of thing you might want to let NASA handle? If my cousin's modern dance documentary falls through, it's not such a big deal, but this is an enormous chunk of metal that could come plummeting out of the sky at any moment. Seems risky.

2. The homemade fusion reactor
This is a classic bad idea, making headlines when the Brooklyn-based reactor received funding back in 2010. That the borough has not since been consumed by fire, I put down to pure luck.

Advertise | AdChoices

3. The Small Hadron Collider
Sure, it's less powerful than the Large Hadron Collider. In fact, it seems to be some kind of effects pedal and its connection to molecular physics is vague at best. Still, we feel as if they're meddling in forces they do not understand.

4. An enormous robot spider
Bond villains use Kickstarter too.

5. Wrathful gods and spirits of Tibet
This documentary project wants to travel to Tibet to study the "wrathful gods and spirits" of Himalayan Buddhism. Does that sound like the kind of thing that could, I don't know, unleash an ancient and unspeakable evil? You can't be too careful.

6. Mech warfare
I know, Battlebots are a thing, but it still seems unwise to build humanoid robots that specialize in hand-to-hand combat.

7. The Arduino satellite
It's just like a regular satellite, except it was designed over the Internet by volunteers with no obvious telecommunications experience.

8. Cards Against Humanity
A card game with the goal of destroying humanity. It's all in the name.

9. The 500,000-volt Tesla coil
Suspiciously similar to something you might build in "Command & Conquer."

10. The Z-Day manual
I take the zombie apocalypse very seriously, but I also think that by obsessively preparing for it, we may actually be weakening society in the event that it comes to pass. Everyone who buys this manual is going to go survivalist as soon as possible. It'll be all bikers and no flyboys! It's a bigger problem than people realize.

11. Roy the Robot
A mechanical claw, reaching toward humanity with unfathomable hatred, successfully funded on July 3.

12. DittoBlox modular building pods
I don't know what this is, but I don't trust it.

13. The Hermes spacecraft
Launch day for the world's first kickstarted rocket is going to be extremely nervous for everyone involved.

14. The Soundlazer
A death ray made of pure sound? Continue, I'm intrigued.

15. Hexy the Hexapod
"Hexy had only a vague sense of the forces that brought him into being, a shadowy network of 'backers' who seemed to respond to his existence with both horror and delight. Were there others like him somewhere? Was there a world in which hexapods lived as something more than an abomination? Whatever his future held, Hexy knew he could not rest until the monsters that created him had answered for their crimes."

16. Troller 1D
Have you seen the movie Screamers? They're kickstarting screamers.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Zulu 95 on September 10, 2012, 01:33:43
A very funny story I found a while ago. Likely fake but still makes me laugh.

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a U.S. naval ship with the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland October 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations10-10-95.

Canadians:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North.

Canadians:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians:
No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN,THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians:
We are a lighthouse, your call.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Journeyman on September 10, 2012, 08:39:28
Canadians:
We are a lighthouse, your call.

Quote
The Obstinate Lighthouse
Status: False
http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthouse.asp

Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: recceguy on September 10, 2012, 09:47:37
http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthouse.asp


Not to mention how many times it's been posted on this site.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Loachman on September 10, 2012, 16:02:47
Hey - he only just joined. He hasn't had any time to read a - n - y - t - h - i - n - g before making his first post yet.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Pat in Halifax on September 10, 2012, 16:39:35
You gotta admit - It's a gooder.
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Technoviking on September 10, 2012, 17:28:11
So, question.

You're in a room, and with you in that room is Adolf Hitler, and a guy who won't turn off the sound to the buttons on his iPhone.  You are able to kill one, and only one of them.



Here's the question:


Do you give the iPhone to Hitler, or do you keep it to yourself?
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: GAP on September 10, 2012, 17:50:34
keep it, he already got his message out....
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on September 11, 2012, 19:38:50
 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on September 11, 2012, 21:03:14
British Army Answering Machine (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TlVqz3Mq1CY)  ;D She sounds pretty hot on the phone.


Blokes having fun (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KrvvkuXDW3I)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: cupper on September 11, 2012, 22:37:53
Want to freak out your neighbors?

Rename your Wifi - "FBI Surveillance Van"

 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Paul_Ontario on September 12, 2012, 17:28:20
(https://Army.ca/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.pr0gramm.com%2F2012%2F09%2Fhabve.jpg&hash=e5ba20808247c7a2a4aca11cd3415820)
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on September 12, 2012, 20:16:48
 ;D
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: Eye In The Sky on September 13, 2012, 10:10:18
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said 'Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl who had just started to read her book replied to the total stranger, 'What would you want to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know' said the atheist, 'How about why there is not God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?' as he smiled smugly.
 
'OK' she said. ‘Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff ~ grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?'

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says 'Hmmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know crap?'
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: TN2IC on September 13, 2012, 10:13:10
I'm an atheist and found that was an awesome joke. Love it. Milpoints for that one!
 :rofl:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: cupper on September 13, 2012, 14:08:12
I'm an atheist and found that was an awesome joke. Love it. Milpoints for that one!
 :rofl:

:ditto:
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: ajp on September 13, 2012, 14:15:08
Recent Sighting in Woodstock NB. 
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: eurowing on September 13, 2012, 14:21:20
A rewrite from atheist to theist.  I like it better. 

A theist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said 'Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl who had just started to read her book replied to the total stranger, 'What would you want to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know' said the theist, 'How about why God exists, or Heaven or Hell, or life after death?' as he smiled smugly.
 
'OK' she said. ‘Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff ~ grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?'

The theist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says 'Hmmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know crap?'
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: jollyjacktar on September 18, 2012, 19:05:31
Two friends were talking about gifts for their wives.  One friend was rich and the other friend was poor.

Rich guy:  "I gave my wife  a set of diamond earrings and a Mercedes convertible for our Anniversary. "

Poor guy:  "Why a set of earrings and a car?"

Rich guy: "So she could drive to the jewelery shop and change the earrings if she did not like them."

The poor guy thought that was a cool idea and said he would get two gifts like that too.  He later returned from shopping and showed what he had bought.  A pair of running shoes and a sex toy.

Rich guy:  "What's with those choices?"

Poor guy: "If she doesn't like the shoes she can go screw herself."
Title: Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
Post by: cupper on September 18, 2012, 22:19:50