Author Topic: Joint Rules for Army-Navy Game  (Read 1067 times)

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Joint Rules for Army-Navy Game
« on: September 22, 2002, 10:52:00 »
Posted by "Gow" <jgow@home.com> on Wed, 1 Nov 2000 22:25:06 -0500
> Sorry guys, I just could not resist!  I‘m a dedicated football fan!
>
>
>  Subject: Joint Rules for Army-Navy Game
>
> For all you football fans out there...
> This just in ... the Pentagon has announced new rules for the fall 2000
> Army-Navy-Air Force-Marine Corps football tournament.
>
> 1. Only flag football will be played.  The Joint Chiefs of Staff deemed
> tackle and touch football too dangerous.  First, because of the CNN
factor,
> the public will no longer tolerate even one field casualty.
>
> Second, touching another player today, even the congratulatory pat on the
> behind, is court-martial bait.
>
> 2. The phrase "making a pass" will be changed to the less ambiguous
> "throwing the ball."  And the Army, Navy and Marines will be blocked from
> throws beyond 5 yards because of Air Force protests that it alone
> owns the long-range air attack mission.
>
> 3. The Marine Corps may run with the ball, but no more than 25 yards per
> quarter, the Pentagon ruled.  It was prompted by Army objections to
> long-range naval ground operations.
>
> 4. The Navy may not use tailbacks.  The term is too sensitive and should
be
> avoided.
>
> 5. To promote interservice cooperation, all teams were ordered to use the
> same game plan, after receiving suggestions from all four services.
>
> The Army‘s plan, called "The Game After Next," called for handoffs of a
> digitized football to the fullback, up the middle, on every play.  The
Army
> plan‘s last chapter, titled "Exit Strategy," was oddly blank, which would
> leave players with no choice but to set up bunkers and temporary housing
on
> the 50-yard line.
>
> The Navy‘s "Forward... From the Bench" plan called for players, each
called
> a ball "carrier," to be surrounded by other Navy football players in a
pack
> called "carrier groups."  These units would establish a roaming
> "presence" all over the playing field.  Less important than crossing the
> goal line is the Navy strategy of being able to protect the carrier group
> wherever it patrols the gridiron.  So threatening are these carriers,
> the Navy strategy goes, that no one would be foolish enough to even mount
a
> defense.
>
> The Marine‘s "Three-Yard War" plan was predictable: Seize ground, every
> down, no matter how, regardless of the price, preferably while on the
> playing field.  The linchpin of the Marine game plan called for packing
the
> audience with members of Congress to ensure that the Marines‘ performance
> did not go unrecognized.
>
> The Air Force‘s "Fieldwide Engagement" plan kept calling for very long,
> accurate throws on every down, during huddles, timeouts, half-time,
between
> games, in the parking lot and even in the showers.  So fast and accurate
> would these throws be, went the Air Force strategy, no other team should
> even bother to take the field.
>
> After examining each team‘s playbook the Secretary of Defense ruled that
> none could be used, and that each service was left to its own devices.
>
> The Navy decided victory could be had by not taking the field. Instead,
its
> players patrolled up and down the sidelines in breathtaking formation,
> hoping that would sufficiently deter the other teams from leaving their
> benches.
>
> Likewise, the Army decided against taking the field, at least until
several
> conditions were met: one, that vital U.S. national interests were at
stake
> two, the conditions for victory were concrete and easily defined
> and, three, the President would activate 550,000 reserve and National
Guard
> Army football players if the game actually were to be played.
>
> The Air Force felt victory could be achieved also by not showing up.
Secret
> plans were later leaked to the press that the Air Force had spent $38.7
> bazillion on a system able to fire the football into the end
> zone from space.
>
> Bolstered by congressional resolution to be the "most ready football team
> when others are the least," the Marines stormed the playing field and
> declared themselves the winners.
>
> And there was joy in Mudville.
>
>
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