“Hey there Canada...
we’re going to hoard and steal a lot of your PPE right before the world notices there’s a global pandemic. Sorry in advance.
Oh? You’re short on PPE? Funny enough, we have some extra! We’ll send it to you because we are such good friends!
Plane arrived empty? Oofff, sorry about that. Our bad. Thanks for agreeing to pay for the flight though.
Ah yes, your two Michaels. What about them? Yes they are locked in a prison, with lights on 24hrs a day, with no contact allowed with consular officials or legal counsel. It’s only fair we lock up these two citizens who aren’t charged with crimes.... I mean you DID arrest one of ours on a warrant, and are letting her stay in a mansion.
Political prisoners? No no no. The timing is just coincidence...
Oh, and just incase you didn’t get how serious we are, we are blocking trade on some agricultural products of yours. No real reason why, other than to make you realize your mistake. Tsk tsk...
Btw, sorry about trying to infiltrate your local, provincial, and federal governments. How else do we ensure Chinese companies are awarded contracts if we don’t have some influence in your sovereign decisions?
Did you just say out loud that the virus that’s decimated the world in a lot of ways escaped a lab that studies that kind of virus? That’s racist!!
Remember - a dude eating a bat is responsible for killing MILLIONS of people, not our research on deadly viruses... might have to block that trade with you again. Smarten up.
Also, please don’t block our companies from building and managing your 5G networks. We would love to manufacture the circuits, software, and hardware that your country’s 5G network would reply on.
Much easier to keep you in line when we control whether communications work or not... get it?
Also, if that scares you and you want to control your own networks, that’s just racist. Might have to put both Michaels on death row. (We aren’t holding them as political leverage at all, hence making them political prisons. We would never do that.)
BTW - and this is from the heart. Thank You so much for allowing our scientists - trained, employed, and paid for by the PLA - access to your highly classified virus research. You are too kind to us. Literally.
And wait, did you just question us declaring ourselves a near Arctic nation? As you can clearly see, China is just as close to the Arctic as the other nations on this list. You’re just being racist again... you like trade disruptions, EH? One of those Michaels might just need to be put on death row now...
Must be going now - we have an entire planet to influence, manage, spy on, and infiltrate. Busy bee over here!!
Thank you JT for being so accommodating to us, and for not causing a stink when you do catch us meddling in your affairs in some pretty sketchy ways. The access to the lab was a big one, usually we have to infiltrate labs with spies - thank you for saving us the hassle.
Let us know if you need anything, we’ll be happy to use your request against you somehow.
Much Love,
China”
What else can China really do?
Kidnap our citizens? Done. Block random trade? Done.
Support cyber espionage against critical infrastructure & government agencies? Done.
Infiltrate our governments to influence or coerce our decisions? Done.
Infiltrate post secondary institutions? Done. (Have fun dealing with all the highly opinionated 21yo SJWs)
PLA scientists shouldn’t have been allowed anywhere near any of our labs. We don’t let harmless Bob down the road near them, why the f**k is the PLA allowed in them?
PLA wants to do a winter warfare course here? Why? They have winter in China too. Maybe it isn’t about a 2 week winter warfare course, maybe it’s about what base the course would be hosted at.... ever think of that??
(Don’t worry, it took about 5 seconds for the folks on Army.ca to find many reasons why it may be a bad idea. Doing your thinking for you, for free. What does the government pay for a “this is obviously a stupid decision” advisor?
<Mind boggled rant over> sorry mods, just had to vent