Man Rules - A must read for all women

[X Royal]

Man Rules

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!!!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1.. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you  or  :rage:, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself..

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1.. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as fishing or cars or hockey or football or golf, or UFC etc.

1.. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

 

[tango22a]

X ROYAL:

Gotta be one of the best literary efforts that I have seen or read in years!!


tango22a

 

[jeffb]

This should be issued at birth on a laminated card. 

 

[Ambrosia]

Haha these are great. I know most of these but, especially the hinting one.... hinting really doesn't work in our relationship at all.  It's taken a few years, but I've adapted to saying it right out.

That and my hubby often chooses to sleep on the couch... at least when it was more comfy than the bed.  Now I know the true reason...camping!

 

[Antoine]

It's a keeper,

Thumbs-up !

 

[Journeyman]

The Man Code

Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat. Ever.

Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSH*T. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400%)

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see nothin'.

The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!", "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!", "Another set and we can hit the showers." " Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

Unlocking a car door for another man is polite. Opening it is gay.

 

[mariomike]

The Man Code
Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

Like every Code, there are exceptions.:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owE3JqzsFJE
"Thank you, Sir! May I please have another!  :rofl:

[/quote]
Unlocking a car door for another man is polite. Opening it is gay.
[/quote]

Some - not I -  say when a man opens a car door for a woman, it usually means a new car, or a new woman. 

 

[ENGINEERS WIFE]

And ALWAYS remember that women are like snipers, they just smell better!    >