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Anyone else feel the same way?

Scoobs

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I've been feeling this way for a while, but have, admittedly been afraid to talk about it.  After coming back from Afghanistan and decompression, my personal drive (which was normally quite high) really sucked.  In fact, I wasn't motivated.  Little did I know that other people felt the same way.  I was an augmentee in the NCE and didn't return to Canada with anybody that I deployed with.  After feeling this way for about 5 months, I ran into a padre that I had worked with all the time in Afghanistan and explained to him how I felt.  He told me that it was normal not to be motivated and have no desire to do the "mundane" work back in Canada.  It took me about 12 months to feel "normal" again.  Just last year I ran into a high ranking officer who I worked with overseas and we talked about how each other was doing.  I was suprised to hear that he had also felt the same way I had.

However, one thing that has never left me is my worry that something bad will happen to my family.  There are days when I worry that they'll get in an accident, or a car will hit them when they're walking.  It's stuff like this that worries me.  I wasn't this way before I went on tour.  I don't have any flashbacks, so I'm not claiming to have PTSD or something like that.  I just want to stop worrying that my family will get hurt.

I didn't have an "enjoyable" job in theatre.  Our primary job was to take care of the casualty "administration", from getting the notification of an incident, contacting back to the applicable Area HQ, taking care of the mortuary paperwork, reading the PEN forms, Memorial Cross forms, autopsies, etc.  We lost 18 guys on my tour.  When I was doing my job, I was "efficient" (sorry to say that, but we did become efficient at what we did as unfortunately we had a lot of practice.  I'm not trying to be cold or an ***, it's just what happened).  However, when I went back to my tent or when I wasn't working the insane hours, it really hit me.  I'm a little hesitant to admit that I cried.  I honestly did.  Maybe this was my way of relieving the incredible stress.  I still think about the guys and what their life would be like now.  What their families are doing.  Are they okay?  Are their kids getting along without their dad/mom?  I think that last question bothers me the most and I still get very emotional just thinking about it.

When I got back to my home base (not where I am now), I went into the mental health area for my post deployment interview.  They told me to come back later as I was only on my 3 half days.  I never went back for about 9 months (good mental health services there, they didn't even try to phone me to ask why I hadn't come in yet).  When I did go in, I felt brushed off.  I told them about my lack of motivation and they never seemed to care.  At that point I decided that I wouldn't tell them about my fear of my family getting injured, hurt, etc.  I've been this way for about 4 years now.  I haven't approached any medical personnel since because I don't want any career implications, but I also would like to feel "normal" again.

Does anybody else feel this way when they get back?  I have to book a medical as I'm due in about a month.  I'm hesitant to say anything to the MO as I don't want to be put on a TCAT.  I do my job just fine and my worry isn't stopping me from doing it.  I'm seen examples of how someone's career is affected and I've read some of the posts in this group and it worries me that something could happen to my career.
 

PuckChaser

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You do need to talk to someone, but you can do it outside the MO if you wish. I'd recommend you visit the JPSU or IPSC closest to you: http://www.cmp-cpm.forces.gc.ca/jpsu-uisp/ajp-sui/index-eng.asp. They are plugged into all sorts of resources to help you talk about everything that happened, and find solutions to help you feel normal again. Specifically, OSSIS seems like a good place for you to talk to others who have had dealt with similar feelings.

I can't imagine what you've went through, ramp ceremonies always moved me but to deal with casualties in such detail... you're definitely not weak to feel compassion for the loss of human life.
 

TN2IC

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I feel your pain Scoobs. My chain of command doesn't give a flying fuck about me. As long as I do my job. Take my pills and soldier on. When the chain does care.. it's more of a one way conversion. God bless my Chief.  ::)
 

Jarnhamar

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Macey said:
I feel your pain Scoobs. My chain of command doesn't give a flying fuck about me. As long as I do my job. Take my pills and soldier on. When the chain does care.. it's more of a one way conversion. God bless my Chief.  ::)

Somewhere along your chain of command someone does give a shit, including whoever may be under you.  If you need more help and the chain of command above you isn't providing it then go higher.
 

TN2IC

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Yeah I know. I just don't want to stir the pot. Most of the "officers" are here for their tick in the box. And are not the brightest ones. But I'm getting my help now. Popping my pills. And still having my mood swings.
 

dogger1936

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Many of us from Petawawa were drugged up and sent back to work with no restrictions or follow ups from the CDU. Medical causality tracking in Petawawa seemed non existent when I was there. Don't get angry at the system...it aint worth it. Hopefully knowing many of us were sent back to work and play with no restrictions or even a chit will let yah know your not alone.
 

TN2IC

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Yeah that is pretty much the same here on my base.
 
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