# want to join but wife says no



## Dogboy (20 Aug 2004)

want to join but wife says no 
convincing my family is not so hard. But how do i convince my wife to let me enlist? 
shes sure ill be gone for over a year, and have to kill people, and get killed. 
I know that i MAY have to shoot in anger, and i may die in a horrible event, 
but what are the real chances of that?
any thoughts ? 

P.S. this board is very helpful for people wanting a strait answer before enlisting.
thanks all


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## Michael OLeary (20 Aug 2004)

There is no simple answer to your question. You will have to determine what her real objections are, the ones she feels in her heart, not necessarily all the ones she mentions, and through researching CF employment opportunities gather the information needed to convince her that the risks are not as serious as she may think.

Arguing certainly isn't the answer, and any insistence that you plan to go despite her opinion will only deepen her concern. 

And you have to decide what price you're willing to pay in relationship terms, first to enter and prolong this debate, and secondly, if you do decide to go without her full support.

There are no easy answers, and perhaps no easy choices. If you want to help working on specific issues, please feel free to post them and see what help the forum can provide.


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## Jarnhamar (20 Aug 2004)

I could have swore you already posted this exact same question?

As for having to shoot someone. Would your wife object to you shooting someone who is trying to break into your house to kill her? 

You may die a horrible death. Thats right, crossing the street. Pick up a newspaper and check out all the fatalities from accidents.
I don't really think it's about percentages. 
If you want to join the army convince your wife it's a good idea and do it. Don't ask how to convincer her either because everyone is different.


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## Padraig OCinnead (20 Aug 2004)

Well I guess if she says no then it's no.

Remember!!    happy wife.......happy life


 ;D ;D ;D


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## Dogboy (20 Aug 2004)

i did ask this in a old thread Ghost but no one saw it because the old thread was hijacked, and to long and old.

and yes i know its a general statement to a personal problem but ill see. Michael thanks your made it seem less murkier. 
and any things i find help ill post up hear.

also how many people in the CF. are marred now days. is it a good carrear for a family?


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## jarko (20 Aug 2004)

Where you planning to join the Reserves or Regular Force??


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## 1feral1 (20 Aug 2004)

Alot of people dont have a clue what goes in in the life of a soldier. May I suggest trying to educate her on the whole affair, such as accompanying you to an interview where both sides can ask questions. or, perhaps speaking to someone who is of the component you are choosing (Primary Reserve or Regular Force).

I am sure the CF has a good family support service too for personnel deployed O/S.

I believe education and learning is the key to acceptance, and if she will actually commit to listening instead of arguing, you have a good chance. To overcome her fears of loosing you (you have a better chance of getting struck by car on the way to work) may be a challenge in itself, but once she undertands who the big scheme really works, maybe she'll give you the support you need.

Family first. Always. At least thats how I deal with it, when pers in my PL have got problems, and we always seem to get thru it somehow.

However if she has the attitude against military life in general (basic army hater), she is biased and nothing will budge her in the way she thinks.

Family is the main key to succcess in the soldierly life some of us have chosen. Especially wives and girl friends. They are the foundation in any serious relationship, and my GF really has a signifigance in my career.

Every open day I invite my live-in GF, and she gets a chance to see what we actually do, and she has even fired a 105mm Hamel (HE), and a F88 Steyr and F89 Minimi (blanks).

Good luck.


Cheers,

Wes


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## Tickles (20 Aug 2004)

what occupation are you interested in?
im sure there are occupations with less chance of being horribly killed


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## Dogboy (20 Aug 2004)

i want to join the infantry so i want the advencher and such. 
and i want to join Reg. force not be a part timer. 
but the idea of taking her to a interview is a good one it'll help show her what is their for us.
i guess the next question is what are the family support sistom for CF. members and their loved ones?


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## CDNBlackhawk (20 Aug 2004)

Bring her to the www.dnd.ca website and both of you look around and read everything, their is alot of good information their that will answer both your questions and her questions. If you are going Reg force Infantry, you will be gone for 10 weeks of basic training, around the 4th weekend the instructors can permit the platton to have a weekend pass to leave base, some people travel home and see family and friends, while other stay and go out and let loose for a few days. 6 weeks after that it will be graduation, You wife and family will see you then also. You will then be sent for SQ and MOC Training, SQ consists of 10 weeks training and  MOC training for Infantry is also 10 weeks training. The Carear manager i spoke to said that in between BMQ,SQ, and MOC that you will most likely have a week off and the occasional weekend off in SQ and MOC. After you are done a total of 30 weeks training, you will be sent to your unit, from that time your wife can move up to where ever you are stationed and both of you can get a place.

Its true you will be away from home more often then most jobs, but their is far less negative things then positive things to being in the Military.


anyways, i wish you good luck and hope everything works out for you.

P.S where are you from and did you have anythoughts on which regiment you wanted to serve with?


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## Dogboy (20 Aug 2004)

well I'm a Alberta Boy in Edmonton. and I'm hoping to join the PPCLI, 
so that way i have a two in three chance of staying in Alberta. 
but ya ill try and take her to the recruiting offers so she can ask some questions and the such as well 
iv got a few months yet. ill not send in my papers till after thanksgiving. so i can be shur of staying home for X-mas, and give me time to get into shape.


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## humint (20 Aug 2004)

I was going to say that your wife should enlist, as she's obviously wearing the pants in the relationship.

Seriously, though, if you are going to join (and this goes for the RegF more-so than the ResF, but it applies in both cases), you are going to need the support of your family and wife in order to make it work. If not, there's going to be a tremendous strain on your relationship, and ultimately your marriage or your military career will suffer and crash and burn. It should not be a surprise that divorce rates are high among military families.

The best thing is to get her to look at the online material and to read all the info you get from CFRC. You may also want to get the DVD's from CFRC on the military life-style, career progression, etc.

There is a military support agency, and that information is online. http://www.cfpsa.com/en/


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## Pieman (21 Aug 2004)

Why not arrange for you and your wife to take a tour of a base?  I went on a tour of the Air Base in Cold Lake, and one of the Naval Bases in Victoria when I was younger. It was really interesting, and impressive! Seeing the Forces up close like that may go a long way to opening your wife's mind to the idea of you joining.


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## Ryan_Bohm (22 Aug 2004)

You have to comfort her in knowing that what ur doing is a goal for yourself and that you are doing it for the both of you because of the good benefits and the retirement package etc. Give her the pros of the job as well as the cons and discuss it. Dont get into a shouting match.  Be genuine. I am leaving for my BMQ Sept 26/04 and I am in a serious relationship; dated 5 years this Aug. My g/f was the same way to begin but after long sit down talks we decided together that it is not such a bad idea.  Ensure her that you will do ur best to remain safe and wont do anything stupid. Ryan


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## Dogboy (23 Aug 2004)

thanks all its is helping and Ryan your in pretty much the same situation that I'm in (5+years) its just I'm getting marred in about a month.
so ya were having a good discussion on it and she seems more willing to let me go mostly for the long term benefits and such so thanks all this has bin helpfull


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## lfejoel25 (23 Aug 2004)

My girlfriend doesn't want me to join, i'm going to go into sigs. (hopefully)
but i've had some friends that REALLY tried to talk me out of it.  (you'd get killed, you might have to kill somebody, they'd own you, blah blah blah)
personally, i wouldn't want to serve with somebody that 

1.  WANTS to kill somebody (not that they wouldn't if needed)
2.  wants to die  ..... or
3.  joins the army without knowing he/she'd have to take orders.

but i've been with my GF for years now, we're common law i guess.  but i told her what i was doing, i didn't ask.  (and i'm not trying to be macho or anything.)  and she understood.  i told her that it was just something that i needed to do, and i haven't heard an arguement about it since.  if she convinced me not to join, five years from now she leaves, i'll be just bitter, resentfull.


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## Tach9 (26 Aug 2004)

lfejoel25 said:
			
		

> My girlfriend doesn't want me to join,



A friend who is in the reserves once told that if the army wanted you to have a family it would have issued one to you?!

Any truth to that?

Mike


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## Ex-Dragoon (26 Aug 2004)

> I was going to say that your wife should enlist, as she's obviously wearing the pants in the relationship.



Commenting like that about his relationship with his wife when its really none of our business is not going to help win her over. Please try and be a bit more professional.


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## Tach9 (27 Aug 2004)

Does the army have a wives club or something for when the husbands are away on manouvers?

Mike


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## Bograt (27 Aug 2004)

I share my experience to this post. 

My life long dream was/is to fly. I came from an Airforce family, moving 17times while I live with my folks. My wife however had lived in the same house her entire life until she went to university.

We initially discussed the military and she was luke warm about the idea. I started the paper work and interviews etc, and then Capt Naismith died in a CF-18 crash in Cold Lake. Then a Hawk belly landed. My wife understandably became much less supportive of the career choice. I went to ACS and "washed out". I came home and I was devestated. It was then we had a heart to heart about each others hopes and fears and what is ultimately best for our family. I understood her fears (that were based on misconceptions) and made sure we had the answers and were comfortable with the realities. Fear comes from the unknown.

She is the one that called the Flight schools and arranged for me to start to get a PPL. Thankfully I was successful this past August during ACS in Trenton. People have congratulated me on this small accomplishment. I have responded by saying that I couldn't have done it without her support and understanding. She is very proud- we did it together- and now we are preparing for BOTC. 

I can not tell you what to do. All I can say it is easier when "all the oars are pulling together." 

I hope the best for you and you family.

Cheers,


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## Ex-Dragoon (27 Aug 2004)

Great post Bograt and congrats to you and your wife!


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## BDTyre (27 Aug 2004)

Dogboy said:
			
		

> want to join but wife says no
> convincing my family is not so hard. But how do i convince my wife to let me enlist?
> shes sure ill be gone for over a year, and have to kill people, and get killed.
> I know that i MAY have to shoot in anger, and i may die in a horrible event,
> ...



First off, you should never shoot in anger.  Anger is when people have their stupidest ideas and least clarity about a situation.

Second, my wife was strongly opposed to what I wanted to do (join the reserves).  It wasn't until she came with me to several info sessions at different armouries that she started to change her mind.  She was allowed to ask her own questions and get the answer directly from people in the CF as opposed to me asking -should I remember- and telling her what I remembered of the answer.

It also helped that we got a puppy.


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## Parasoldier (27 Aug 2004)

Here is my infantry two cents:

I have been in the military for 10 years now and the pace of work seems to be getting faster and faster.   Ended a relationship to join the military and ever since have had many girlfriends, not many of whom could fully support my career.   I bought a house in Petawawa 4 years ago and have actually lived in it for approximately 1 year complete.   You have to realize your goals.   The separation rate in the infantry is high, especially with all the tours.   Your wife has to know what she is getting into.   There are books available, written by military wives, that will outline what can be expected. 
It is not only the exercises, tours, and courses that you have to attend to make a prosperous career.   Don't try to fool anyone, you will be going into hostile environments were people want to kill you.   Coming from Afghanistan and losing three exceptional soldiers is enough proof for anyone.   The infantry is a dangerous job.
If your wife supports you then hold on to her.   Just prioritize your goals.



Pro Patria


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## casing (27 Aug 2004)

BDTyre said:
			
		

> It also helped that we got a puppy.



This is an excellent suggestion/idea!   One of my wife's major concerns was that I would be away for so long over the first couple of years.   She doesn't have much in the way of support groups where we live.   We got a puppy and I can already see the brightening of her days and a change in her attitude about me leaving for training soon.   So a dog's unconditional love is a great thing and has helped me too.


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## humint (29 Aug 2004)

This is kinda funny, considering my earlier JOKE about the pants wearin ...

To be honest, I'm having the same problem with my girlfriend -- not so much about joining RegF, cause she is fully supportive of that, but rather she is being tough on my desired trade. 

Basically, I ran into a road block when I recently told her that I would like to go RegF Pilot (Helicopter). 

Her response was a straight-out "no," stating that the trade was far too dangerous. I find this odd, since I'm in the infantry (although ResF), and, among other dangers, we ride in the egg-beaters -- but, hey, she's entitled to her opinion.

So, I'm now working through a strategy to oversome this obstacle. I know the issues are not the same, but the overall concern is. I'll let you know how I make out and we can do a lessons learned or AAR.


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