# Accepting that you can't be a soldier



## PrairieBoy

This post is not, strictly speaking, about my application process. It is about those who applied and couldn't make it, or in my case, those who applied and couldn't make the cut once they got in. This thread is for those who, like me, love and respect the Forces and wish for nothing more than to serve their country with honour, but cannot. So if all you wanted was a career in the Forces and you could not make it in, or if you're like me and you made it in but couldn't make the cut for whatever reason, this is thread is for you. Share your stories if you feel inclined, share advice about learning to accept the things you can't change if you care to, or simply read and listen if that's all you want. 

For my own part, I had everything I needed for a successful career as an officer in the Primary Reserve. I was physically able enough, and I had the necessary mental aptitude. I passed all the tests in the application process swimmingly, and at my BMQ I performed well, and passed every test... Except for one. For reasons I myself still do not grasp, I was seized by performance anxiety for the weapons test and failed it. Three times they let me try and three times I was too nervous to succeed. I still don't understand why I was seized by such paralyzing nervousness for that test. I had performed every required action on the rifle dozens of times before, I knew what I had to do and I had the ability to do it, but I just could not get over the nervousness. It was pathetic, and deep down I still hate myself over it. 

The failure destroyed by personal confidence, and they sent me home soon afterwards. However, first I endured a miserable day of browbeating with the Master Corporal they placed in charge of getting me on the bus home. It wasn't that he was chewing me out, I'd be chewed out before and I didn't let it phase me before, but I was isolated from my section and my course, I was truly alone, and all his vitriol was directed at me. Stuff like that just stings more and cuts deeper when you don't have a team to stand with you. I can understand why he looked down upon me, he was a combat veteran, a hard man, and in his estimation it was clear that I was unworthy of being in the Army. Especially since he was infantry and I was supposed to become an infantry officer. You're probably thinking "This little shit shouldn't be in the Army in the first place if he can't handle a simple weapons test". And you'd be right. 

The last thing my section Sergeant said to me before I was sent home was "If you sorted this out, you could be good, you could be very good". Unfortunately, my Coy OC back at my home regiment did not agree and gave the option of a voluntary release. He told me, in no uncertain terms, that it would be best for the Army if I did. I always tried to place the good of my team before my own, so I chose the voluntary release. 

Now I'm focusing on my university education. After I graduate, perhaps I will reenlist. My heart wants me too, but my mind is telling me: "No, don't, you don't deserve to be in the company of men like the Master Corporal. You don't have the stones". I have not decided whether I will or not, but I'm getting this feeling that I will just have to accept that this dream is one I will have to give up on. Sometimes life is about swallowing the bitter pills you're given, and this one is very bitter indeed. 

Does anyone else have a similar story to share? I find that getting it out and off your chest sometimes helps. 

And you men and women who are good enough, who do have the stones, who are brave and bold and patriotic, I have endless respect for you. I want to thank you for always standing to defend this country we all love so much, and all the lesser men like me within it.


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## Richard.Donafeld

Your story is very moving and I applaud you for coming out with such a true speaking story. Perhaps you really should reenlist once you are finished university. The weapons handling should not be something that should stop you if you can muster up the self confidence. While you wait why not buy an AR style weapon with the same make up as the C7, I suggest a M&P 15-22 has the same make up but is .22 rimefire to keep cost low. I hope you enlist again as I read your story I see competence and that really what we need in the CF, sad that it is hard to find sometimes.


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## benny88

Chin up. Not being a member of the CF doesn't make you any less "brave and bold and patriotic." This country is great because of the contributions of millions of people, most of whom were not soldiers.


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## Jammer

WEng...Your breadth of experience is astonishing...wow, I mean, wow. OK enough with the sarcasm...step back and think of all the things wrong with your statement...

Prairie Boy:
Don't feel bad. It seems as though your mentors and chain of command were less than supportive. A relatively simple matter regarding passing a wpn handling test should not be cause to give up. I have seen and taught many folks who were at first, deathly afraid of messing up...the key for mentors and instructors is to give the trainee the positive reinforcement and confidence to be able to carry out the task. As I see it, this probably wasn't the case.

Have another go at it...challenge yourself.


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## Scott

WEng said:
			
		

> Your story is very moving and I applaud you for coming out with such a true speaking story. Perhaps you really should reenlist once you are finished university. The weapons handling should not be something that should stop you if you can muster up the self confidence. While you wait why not buy an AR style weapon with the same make up as the C7, I suggest a M&P 15-22 has the same make up but is .22 rimefire to keep cost low. I hope you enlist again as I read your story I see competence and that really what we need in the CF, sad that it is hard to find sometimes.



 :facepalm:


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## aesop081

WEng said:
			
		

> why not buy an AR style weapon



Because the weapon is not the issue. Self-confidence i general is the issue. Spending money on a gun is not going to fix that. If the OP wants to build his self-confidence in general ( which is what he needs), his money is better spent taking classes on public-speaking or something along those lines.



			
				Jammer said:
			
		

> It seems as though your mentors and chain of command were less than supportive. ............ As I see it, this probably wasn't the case.



It may be so but i have had a few students who, no matter what support was offered to them, just couldn't do it. They needed to go out and work on their issues outside the military before they could muster enough confidence to try again.


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## chrisf

Not knowing both sides of the story, the question is still raised, if a student has already been confirmed as a training failure, and is being RTU'd, why an unnamed master-corporal decided to crap all over him... I've only taught a dozen or so BMQs, but have seen plenty of voluntary RTUs and training failures, and the only thing I ever say is "Oh well, it's not for everyone, good luck in the future".

Though as far as the original poster is concerned, don't be so damned dramatic. If you want to do it again, re-enroll, do it again.

Like Yoda says, do or do not, there is no try.


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## Eaglelord17

I am currently doing my BMQ, and my family has a history of military experence. If you really want to be in the military you must keep on trying. You need to try to get your self confidence up, its all a game (the BMQ anyways). If you are trying to be an officer you MUST have self-confidence otherwise you won't be able to lead or have the men follow and respect you. If the weapon handling itself isn't the problem figure out ways to increase your confidence, take a deep breath and focus on the task at hand. Otherwise I honestly don't know what to tell you, if you feel the military is for you then try again otherwise there are many ways you can still help out say working with your local legion etc. This is just my thoughts on your problem. Good Luck.


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## Scott

a Sig Op said:
			
		

> Not knowing both sides of the story, the question is still raised, if a student has already been confirmed as a training failure, and is being RTU'd, why an unnamed master-corporal decided to crap all over him... I've only taught a dozen or so BMQs, but have seen plenty of voluntary RTUs and training failures, and the only thing I ever say is "Oh well, it's not for everyone, good luck in the future".
> 
> Though as far as the original poster is concerned, don't be so damned dramatic. If you want to do it again, re-enroll, do it again.
> 
> Like Yoda says, do or do not, there is no try.



Good point. I have never seen DS treat someone who has failed/VRd with anything but respect.

Agreed on your second point as well, sometimes people have to stop clacking away at keyboards and get out and do it. And the current guys on BMQ, or just out of BMQ, need to stop offering so much advice and concentrate on keeping their shit sorted.


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## PrairieBoy

WEng: While your comments are appreciated, I'm not looking for sympathy. Sympathy doesn't really help. I was just getting something that had been pestering at me off my chest, and I don't expect or want sympathy or hand-holding. Sometimes a kick in the *** is better. 

As for the actions of the Master Corporal: I understand why he was pissed off all the time. He was our... I don't know the proper term. Quartermaster? The course admin guy who was always running around taking care of stuff for us, getting people kit, issuing our bolts every day, setting up the range, stuff of that nature. He was very busy, and in our experience usually very pissed off, and having some training failure wasting his valuable time only pissed him off more. According to some friends of mine who also RTU'd, he was pissed at pretty much everyone who went home early. 

The rest of my course staff was polite and respectful about it. Even somewhat encouraging in the case of my course officer and my section sergeant. It was only the Master Corporal who put me through crap for it. 

I just have one question though: When I was sent back to the barracks to clean out my lockers, pack all my kit, strip my bed and fold my sheets, the Master Corporal gave me 15 minutes to accomplish everything. Is this normal? Would you consider this unreasonable or was I just too slow?


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## LordSnow

Yes the 15 mins is normal, he wants you out of the barracks before the remainder of the course is back in order for them not to see you as it brings down the morale of some. 

p.s. That is possibly my best run on sentence ever.


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## aesop081

PrairieBoy said:
			
		

> Is this normal?



Yes.

You really need to move on.


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## SentryMAn

In Saint Jean there was a PO there and I can't remember his name at the present time.  But during weapons class he yelled so loudly that the class next door were scared.  There were a few recruits that completely lost it in his yelling and could barely function.  Everyone gets yelled at and given impossible timings, it's part of learning.  I remember the "5 min" change parades that were impossible to meet but were fun.

I can remember having head aches leaving his classroom but we all passed our testing.  Set backs are a part of life, if it's something you want to do then face your fear head on and beat it down like the Berlin Wall.

If you don't, you'll be in for a rough Career no matter what you choose.


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## GAP

I am simply amazed at the trauma some post about.......because they were "yelled" at? Lord love a duck!!


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## aesop081

GAP said:
			
		

> I am simply amazed at the trauma some post about.......because they were "yelled" at? Lord love a duck!!



Wait until someone shoots at them........


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## SentryMAn

GAP said:
			
		

> I am simply amazed at the trauma some post about.......because they were "yelled" at? Lord love a duck!!



I'm not complaining at all if you were referring to my post.

It makes you think quicker and react faster(for me) then if someone is being polite and patiently asking you to do things.

I hope I never have to deal with being shot at, but understandably it's part of the job requirements.  I'd like to think I'd run towards the bullets rather then away but who knows what will happen when/if that time comes.

I respect all the senior members on here and listen intently to their advice.  They know more now about the military then many new recruits will ever learn in their careers.


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## OldSolduer

CDN Aviator said:
			
		

> Wait until someone shoots at them........



What you talkin bout Willis?   ;D


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## sappermcfly

IMHO that Mcpl is an a^%^&&*. Unprofessional at the very least. If a guy flops out, oh well, it happens. No need to salt the wounds to a guy on his way home forever, it serves no purpose whatsoever.In my experience, the guys that give candidates the hardest time for no reason were the biggest bags themselves.

 If the Mcpl cannot handle the simple stresses of running a course, perhaps there is some issue with him.I have no time for power trippers at all, and all the time for professionals . Not to say you don't need to jack people sometimes, but just for the hell of it with no reasoning or to display power is BS


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## Loachman

It is not the fact that you were knocked down that counts, PrairieBoy, it is what you do afterwards.

Most success, especially in challenging environments, is due to sheer perseverance. Many successful people have been repeatedly knocked down, but they get up again, dust themselves off, and advance a little further each time.

If you want to try again, do so. Your improved education, experience, and maturity may well help you to succeed.

It may be that military service is not for you, but that does not make you a "lesser man". All of us have our limits, whether we have tested them, or even realize that we have them. I could not be a fireman, or a sailor, or a bunch of other things. I am what I am, and neither better nor lesser than than those people. Whatever career you ultimately take up, just be the best that you can.

The Master Corporal was wrong.


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## The Bread Guy

Loachman said:
			
		

> The Master Corporal was wrong.


Agreed.  There's no reasonable way to pass anyone who can't pass repeated attempts at a weapon test, but that's also not a reason to humiliate such a person as they leave the door.


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## CountDC

I recommend you pay attention to the Sgt and ignore the MCpl.  Sounds to me like he was po'd about the job and was taking it out on everyone that crossed his path.  I think he needs a refresher LQ (if he even has one).

Complete your schooling, find some things to give you experience in front of people - school clubs, cubs/scouts, etc.  There were a few of us on my basic that had trouble performing the test no matter how good we were in practice.  We had to find our own ways to deal with it as what works for one doesn't work for another.  For me anger worked in this case.  For public speaking I found the occasional joking comment muttered just loud enough to be heard helped me.


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## MAJONES

Loachman got it right.  Find opportunities outside the military to build self confidence then come back and try again.  Pretty much everyone faceplants at some point in thier lives.  Smart people learn from it and carry on.
Also, I'm going to go against the grain and say go ahead and get a rifle.  You can pick up a cheap rifle for ~$100.  Weapons handling is what tripped you up, so that's the best place to start re-building your self confidence.


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## Robert0288

> You can pick up a cheap rifle for ~$100


+ the cost of the course + the cost of storage container + cost of ammo + cost of targets + cost of potential range membership.

I would not sugjest getting a rifle unless you intend to get into shooting as a hobby or sport.  That and the fact that you can also learn bad habits.


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## PrairieBoy

I think I'd enjoy shooting as a hobby, and it would allow me to try to keep up some practice of the stuff I was taught at BMQ, however I think it is financially not an option right now. University has a way of taking all of your money. 

I've been reminding myself, over and over again, that the recruiters thought I was good enough to let me in, and my section Sergeant, a man whose word I have a great deal of respect for, told me that I could be good. Not only that, but my course report was very positive up until the point about the weapons test. I'm not going to let the words of one Master Corporal keep me back from pursuing a career I really want. 

I'm going to finish my education first. I'm doing a four year double major in History and Archaeology. I'm going to play with my rugby team as much as I can, practice my historical fencing with the club I'm starting, see the counsellor that's available at my university to work on performance anxiety, and do as much as I can with my university years. Then after I'm graduated and I have my degrees and more life experience and maturity behind me, I'll head down to CFRC Saskatoon again and see what my options are. I might become an officer, I might go enlisted, maybe I'll just end up as a very overqualified janitor, hahaha. 

I won't feel satisfied until I feel that I really gave this my all, and I don't feel like I did at my BMQ. That's why I failed. And that Master Corporal was a dick who was pissed off about  the job he was assigned and was taking it out on everybody else. I'm not going to let the words of such an individual hold me back. If I give it my all and I don't make it, I can still stand tall and say that I did the best I could do. 

The way I figure it: Everyone is knocked down at some point, the real men are the ones that rise again.


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## MJP

PrairieBoy said:
			
		

> I'm going to finish my education first. I'm doing a four year double major in History and Archaeology.
> 
> maybe I'll just end up as a very overqualified janitor, hahaha.



Nope you will have just about the right education for a janitor with that double arts degree... :sarcasm: 


All kidding aside, FWIW I think you have the right attitude, keep it up dude


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## Loachman

PrairieBoy said:
			
		

> practice my historical fencing with the club I'm starting,



www.SCA.org - there are probably quite a few people in your area doing this already.

As for the rest of your post, it looks pretty solid.


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## PrairieBoy

Re: Society for Creative Anachronisms: While the SCA people have a lot of fun, I'm more interested in historical European fencing in it's real practice and application as a martial art. The SCA people, in my personal experience, tend to focus on the "Creative" part of their title. There's nothing wrong with that, they have lots of fun doing what they do, but it's not really what I'm looking for. The club I'm involved with is more similar to these people: http://www.thearma.org/ Though we aren't officially associated with ARMA, our goals, emphasis and method are similar in principle to theirs. If anyone reading this is interested in historical European martial arts, I recommend checking out some ARMA materials. They've done a lot in this field.


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## Loachman

You will find quite a few SCA people who take their history pretty seriously, and many are in other groups as well. You may pick up a few members too. It doesn't hurt to check.


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## PrairieBoy

Definitely worth looking into.  I'll see what I can do. 

On a side note, regarding the AR-style rifle idea: How similar would one of those rifles be to a C7A2? If my financial situation changes, having a rifle to keep practicing the stuff I was taught at BMQ might be helpful. And familiarity with that style of rifle couldn't hurt.


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## Redeye

PrairieBoy said:
			
		

> Definitely worth looking into.  I'll see what I can do.
> 
> On a side note, regarding the AR-style rifle idea: How similar would one of those rifles be to a C7A2? If my financial situation changes, having a rifle to keep practicing the stuff I was taught at BMQ might be helpful. And familiarity with that style of rifle couldn't hurt.



Pretty similar. But it sounds like the actual drills (which are inherently simple) aren't the problem, it's a confidence issue, which you'll have to address more generally, because if the stress of a weapons test got you, then the challenges you will face on your trade courses would be much, much worse problems.

Work on it all, and when you're ready, reapply and see what happens. Disregard what that MCpl told you, it sounds like he was taking out unrelated frustrations on you.


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## blacktriangle

I am going to give you my honest opinion whether you want it or not. It's not the weapons handling, it's a confidence and anxiety problem. When I did my BMQ, I had issues like that with weapons handling etc. I was so worried about "messing up" that my worrying would detract from the actual drills. Fortunately, I had better MCpl's that were able to explain that to me. I moved on and passed the test the first time, and went onto other weapons on other courses. 

Looking back, it was not so much an experience issue as a confidence issue. Most people on basic have never used a C7 or anything like it before. Most people on SQ etc have never seen a grenade or a machine gun. The military has a history of teaching people (many of them probably not half as bright as you) to handle weapons. The drills are all broken down, taught and re-taught. A lack of confidence and a high level of anxiety can undermine the efforts to train you though, so definitely work on that. Learn to relax etc. I know it probably sucks reading that, but I have had to learn to overcome similar issues.  

I wouldn't bother buying an AR 15 or something like that, unless you TRULY want one. Don't do it just because you think it will make you pass a course. In many positions in the CF, you hardly ever see a C7. Think about it, if you were an Inf O posted into some staff position, how often do you think you get to conduct weapons handling? Pretty much every range I have been on kicks off with a review of C7 (or whatever weapon) TOETs. This is regardless of whether you are excellent at your drills or absolute junk. But hey, if you really want to spend your money and enjoy shooting, go for it. Just remember that being able to do a drill at home with your own weapon is useless if you can't show up to work and execute it properly in front of a MCpl. Weapons handling is important, don't get me wrong. But in your career, you are going to mess up. Everyone does at some point. I have...in way bigger ways than failing a C7 handling test at basic, trust me on that. You have to be willing to mess up some times in order to learn and succeed. 

I would take some time to consider what you want to do in life, and work on any personal issues you can. There is no reason to give up. You are not the first to have a setback in your career, and you won't be the last. If you really want to be an Officer in the CF, I am sure you can do it. I am sorry that it doesn't seem like you had the best backing from the CoC, but it is what it is. Maybe if in a few years time you re-join and go RegF, I will be your MCpl teaching you at basic. I wouldn't mind staying late or coming in at night to help someone, and I am sure there are more than a few instructors like that out there. You just have to bring the confidence and attitude, and I am sure you can do it dude. 

Good luck. 

(and Redeye has beat me to it)


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## dannyboy41

Perhaps I am wrong in this response, for I am not in the Canadian Forces yet:

Could he have been yelling at you because he cared? If one makes a mistake and nobody yells, it may be because they do not care. You say you performed valiantly in every test but weapons handling; that demonstrates that you do have, at least, some potential. 

Open to critique.

-Dan :yellow:


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## The Bread Guy

dannyboy41 said:
			
		

> Could he have been yelling at you because he cared? If one makes a mistake and nobody yells, it may be because they do not care. You say you performed valiantly in every test but weapons handling; that demonstrates that you do have, at least, some potential.


Sure, and a parent who calls his/her child a bag of s**t and treats them like dirt without dignity or explanation is probably just showing a different kind of love?

Only based on what's here, if the MCPL wanted to communicate, "you can do this if you want", he could have just said that.


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## PrairieBoy

dannyboy41 said:
			
		

> Perhaps I am wrong in this response, for I am not in the Canadian Forces yet:
> 
> Could he have been yelling at you because he cared? If one makes a mistake and nobody yells, it may be because they do not care. You say you performed valiantly in every test but weapons handling; that demonstrates that you do have, at least, some potential.
> 
> Open to critique.
> 
> -Dan :yellow:



Well Dan, here's what I noticed, and you might notice this too: (though I hope your training goes great and you don't have to   )

During the actual training portions of my BMQ, it was as you expected. Yeah, we got jacked up when we made stupid mistakes, just like you'd expect. They were hard on us, but fair, just like training should be. Some days I hated them, but they were usually giving us crap for when we did something stupid or made a stupid mistake. After my training failure and after it had been decided that I was going home, all that stuff from the staff stopped for me. My course officer, all my course staff (the ones I interacted with anyways), they were all thoroughly professional and polite. The yelling and stuff ended because I was a training failure and giving me any further crap wouldn't be a constructive use of their time. 

The only one who did give me crap was the Master Corporal who was probably just taking his frustration over his job out on me. From what I observed of him over the course, he was always shouting at and putting down the two Corporals who were working with him, as well as just about everyone else beneath his rank who annoyed him, which seemed to be just about everyone. 

Before I left, my course officer suggested that I talk to the Chaplain about my training failure. I did, and he was very helpful and cool (like Chaplains are), and I mentioned the Master Corporal's behavior to him. He said he'd talk to some people about it, and I hope that the issue is sorted out so no other training failures or VRs have to go through that behavior. It really is unnecessary.


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## aesop081

Dear lord......move on already.


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## OldSolduer

CDN Aviator said:
			
		

> Dear lord......move on already.



I second the motion Mr PMC


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## LordSnow

maybe he didn't like you, maybe he didn't like his job, Maybe he is just an ass
get over it already


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## PrairieBoy

I won't share the circumstances that led me to do this, but I went and got tested by a psychiatrist. I have been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome... This is why I am completely unsuitable for military service. I'm glad I was released, having someone with a disability in the Forces would just be a danger for myself and others. I'm glad I know this now, now I can really accept that military service is most definitely not an option.


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## F3m5h3p

What's so bad with the Asperger Sydrom? Maybe you could classifiy things and calculate other things better than anybody who's better at shooting than you...IDK.

It's hard to bury a dream. I know it is. There's alternatives. Study hard, become geniously ''different'' (as asperger syndrom is not usual) but capable. Look at RCMP requiremets or CSIS, or for engineer officer jobs in the CF. 

Never quit what makes you feel alive. Be patient.

ALSO : I'm no specialist and it's only my 2 cents. Sorry if I my good intentions are giving bad results (corrected).


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## aesop081

F3m5h3p said:
			
		

> IDK.



That is why the CF is not asking you. The CF asked people that know and told the OP "no".



> or for engineer officer jobs in the CF.



If the person has been told that they are completely unsuitable for military service, they cannot be an engineer officer in the Cf as that would be, well, military service.



> Never quit what makes you feel alive. Be patient.



Lots of parents have said to their kids "you can be anything you want as long as you put your mind to it". Sounds great but it doesn;t pass the reality test.


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## F3m5h3p

CDN Aviator said:
			
		

> "you can be anything you want as long as you put your mind to it". Sounds great but it doesn;t pass the reality test.



Disney has died long time ago, understood. Thanks to ''the guy who's correct'' for remembering me.


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## Jimmy_D

PrairieBoy said:
			
		

> I won't share the circumstances that led me to do this, but I went and got tested by a psychiatrist. I have been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome... This is why I am completely unsuitable for military service. I'm glad I was released, having someone with a disability in the Forces would just be a danger for myself and others. I'm glad I know this now, now I can really accept that military service is most definitely not an option.




Your best bet would be to find a Provincial Career Counsellor, and be honest with them in what you are looking for in a career, also be honest with them with your limitations. Remember that everyones medical info my be private, but if you are willing to share some of that info with people who are trained in helping people pick careers then they may have some incentive for you to try and achieve.

Also just because you have a condition, may or may not mean that it actually limits your abilities in life; but with some conditions not every employer will want to take the risk of possibly making the condition worse or unsafe.


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## blacktriangle

I would assert that there are already people serving with asperger's/some other form of high functioning autism. I can think of one for sure who lines up with the symptoms almost 100%.  Not really sure how they got in, but voila...


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## Jimmy_D

If its noticed while a member is fully trained they may find a way to accomidate them. If the member is untrained / out of the CF then the outcome is usually release / turned down.


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## medicineman

Spectrum said:
			
		

> I would assert that there are already people serving with asperger's/some other form of high functioning autism. I can think of one for sure who lines up with the symptoms almost 100%.  Not really sure how they got in, but voila...



About 100% of us on these boards also have traits for personality disorders - doesn't mean we have a PD, just the traits. 

As far as people getting in with it (and some do get in because they were never diagnosed with it or have learned to control it), unless the person is dragged up on the carpet for conduct issues related to that and gets a formal assessment by a shrink, chances are they're going to slip through.  If you were to read the DSM-IV TR and look at yourself, you could easily (and incorrectly in all likelihood) diagnose yourself with a gazillion things...most illnesses in the world have common symptoms, the trick is sorting out the extraneous chaff from the wheat.  It's kind of what happens with medical students when they start reading their text books too much...

Not saying the people you're thinking of don't have Asperger's, however, I know lots of people that could fit that bill too, but don't have it.

MM


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## Loachman

medicineman said:
			
		

> If you were to read the DSM-IV TR and look at yourself, you could easily (and incorrectly in all likelihood) diagnose yourself with a gazillion things...



I've done that, and I am one sick bastard.

But still the most normal person that I know.


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## Journeyman

Loachman said:
			
		

> .... I am one sick bastard.


 Quite likely, depending on how you mean that.  ;D



> But still the most normal person that I know.


"Normal" is the setting on a washing machine. Who wants that?


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## rmc_wannabe

Loachman said:
			
		

> But still the most normal person that I know.



Most insane people think they are the sane ones and everyone else is crazy ;D .

IRT the OP, Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right.

I'm not speaking specifically to military service I am talking about life. Too often we see people in this society who fail at something and are looking for an excuse. This usually results in a convenient diagnosis that may or may not be 100% accurate.

I was diagnosed with dyslexia as a child. My teachers wanted to provide me with accommodations, but thank goodness my father knew better: "This just means you have to work twice as hard, let's get to work." After years of working hard at my studies and moreso overcoming the label, I only have it affect me when I am either hammered or extremely tired. 

FWIW, If you're not up to snuff for the CF; work hard, find your skill sets, and master them so you can become a productive & contributing member of society. If that is pumping gas or curing cancer, your contributions are integral for this country to function. 

Honestly, just move on, keep your chin up, and give whatever comes your way your best shot (pun not intended).


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## QORvanweert

OP, I appreciate your candour and I am sure that many other people who have had similar experiences do as well. Realizing that you aren't all that you thought you were cracked up to be is a pretty painful moment. My own experience differs in many regards, which I will relate below, but for those out there who left the P.Res and years later want to go Reg.F. I hope you can draw some valuable lessons from it.

As my username indicates, I was once a very proud member of the Queen's Own Rifles. I applied while I was 16 and forged all of the parental signatures on the application forms. I was sworn in Oct. 20 -2004 and began my BMQ a few weeks after that. I had turned 17 in the meantime and felt pretty sure that I was the toughest shit around. Hindsight being what it is, I was nothing more than a child who wanted to play at JTF-Ninja-Club on the weekends without any concept of the obligations and responsibilities I had agreed to. I mistakenly saw the CF as an easy way to escape from an abusive home.

Friday night of the first day on course I saw real soldiers for the first time. Our CSM was a war horse from the 48'th Highlanders named MacIntyre (sp?) and to this day ranks as the toughest person I have ever been in the same room as. I am sure that he saw right through me. I am sure that all of the course staff saw right through me. I was a kid trying to play an adult's game. Nonetheless, I persevered and did complete my BMQ. Of course I made every mistake someone can possibly make and was probably the butt of most of the staff's jokes when no one could hear. 

Examples of my myriad failures include severely spraining my ankle and refusing medical treatment because I didn't want to appear as 'weak'. Contracting Mono during the latter half of the course and being hallucinatory during training from the effects of the virus. My performance suffered as you can imagine and I brought much wrath upon my own head. Also foolishly trying to bullshit the staff (I have since learned that this is impossible but it goes to show my naivete). Or just the general lack of maturity needed to process honest advice from the staff. 

To compound the above factors, I was also the primary witness to an 'assault with a weapon' that had taken place between my parents. My decision to testify meant that I was no longer welcome at home and became homeless for stretches of time. Luckily I had my course and parade pay so I could survive off of deli food and subs during the week. Unfortunately that meant that on Sunday nights when everyone else was going home, I was sleeping in some bushes behind my high school and showering in the bathroom sinks the next morning. This situation couldn't go on forever and I ended up releasing in the fall of '05.

At the time, I felt devastated that I had somehow failed my country. Years later I had the perspective to see that the processes designed to weed out the weak and unfit had worked exactly as intended. All the bitterness I felt has long since been replaced with admiration for the staff's professionalism. I went on to do a year of university. Then I managed some retail outlets while I got my personal life in order. Finally, 7 years later I have a great wife, great marks in school and am planning on rejoining as a NCM-SEP. I have come to understand that a relationship is about both parties bringing 100% to the table. Now that I have sorted myself out, I feel confident that I have the tools to succeed.

Many of you reading this have already conquered many of the hurdles that life has thrown in your way. For those of you who have failed or fallen short, I hope that my experiences help put your own into perspective for you. Regardless of how shitty your life is, you can improve it bit by bit if you are patient and get up each time you fall. 

My brother went down a similar road and I don't have all the details because we stopped talking years ago, but, here is a condensed version of his struggles:
He joined as a medic in the summer of '03. When I released he decided to go Reg.F. and joined PPCLI. He did a tour in Afghanistan. On leave he 'mutinied' or whatever the term is for someone who refuses to return to theatre. He spent the rest of his contract counting socks with some civilians in the Logistics part of Shilo. He suffered from really severe PTSD and depression over letting all of his friends down. He got help through the CF. He went back to school and got his GED and even received an award from the L.Gov. of Manitoba for scoring so high on it. He has since graduated from college and has a good job. He is expecting a second child soon. He has put his life back together. 

Good luck on your own journey.


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## F3m5h3p

I said:
			
		

> OP, I appreciate your candour and I am sure that many other people who have had similar experiences do as well. Realizing that you aren't all that you thought you were cracked up to be is a pretty painful moment. My own experience differs in many regards, which I will relate below, but for those out there who left the P.Res and years later want to go Reg.F. I hope you can draw some valuable lessons from it.
> 
> [...]
> 
> Many of you reading this have already conquered many of the hurdles that life has thrown in your way. For those of you who have failed or fallen short, I hope that my experiences help put your own into perspective for you. Regardless of how shitty your life is, you can improve it bit by bit if you are patient and get up each time you fall.
> 
> [...]
> 
> Good luck on your own journey.



Thanks for sharin'


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