# Am at a rough spot and not sure which way to go



## Ehkart (11 Jan 2010)

So I spent six years in Army Cadets, (I know its not at all a comparison but its important to my case). I value the time I spent there very much and have been military minded since I was very young. I'm married, with one child of my own and one of my spouse's from a previous relationship. I'm twenty seven years old and for the past two or so years I've been very unhappy. My wife and I have had problems that we keep brushing aside to make things work for the time being. We opened an extremely stressful and draining business two years ago. As it turns out now, this business is generating eight to ten thousand a month in take home; thus we're doing very well and are pulling out of the debt that we put ourselves into to open. I have difficulty living at home with my family because of things like my wife not being organized or efficient(in my opinion) and though I love my children so very much, having two children both under ten makes for chaotic times often. I have been through about four "this is my future dream" ideas and have not felt confident to act on any of them realistically. Just before Christmas 2009, roughly in November I started thinking lightly about the Forces. As I researched it more and more I discovered that I really wanted to do this. I value having a clear understanding of what I should be doing and who I should be respecting. I like things to be efficient and ready to use when put away and I despise pretension. If you don't like me I respect that but I want you to tell me to my face; I find these things difficult to come by in the civilian world.

At first my wife was lightly resistant to my idea of joining the Army. She suggested joining the Reserves but I think why have a tool that you only use some of the time? As well I believe that the Reserves would limit me from having a full civilian life and job. The tension built over the holidays and have come to a head now. I have my own bedroom and she has said regardless of my decision she will not be with me. I have a secure but boring job in the woodworking industry but am not working towards a ticket. I still want to join even though I could just stay at home and enjoy the fruits of our business without much work at all. I believe I could convince my wife to stay with me fairly easily. Am I a coward to run off to St. Jean to end up God knows where doing God knows what, most likely ending up on the other end of a three or four hour plane ride from my children? I know that when deployed I am in danger of losing my life very easily and its not something I take lightly. I believe that I have lived with freedom without Duty for long enough and I think I should pay for what I've had. I'm not a very good father and obviously not a great husband though I wished I could be for a long time. I believe I was just substituting love in a relationship for what I should have been doing for the last ten years; Soldiering. My father was a CanScot as was my Grandfather and I still play his pipes. I liked who I was when I called myself a member of the Canadian Scottish but I'm not fond of the fella I know now. 


So what the hell do I do?


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## Haggis (11 Jan 2010)

Disclaimer:  I am not a marriage counsellor.

Buddy, you need a professional.

Clearly, whatever issues you had in the past have not been fully resolved and you need to sort that out before embarking on the life change that joining the CF is.  Your problems will surely follow yopu if your "run away to St. Jean" (where I am typing this from now).

If you are dead set on a future with the CF, then take your wife's initial (i.e. her "I'll meet you halfway on this idea of yours") suggestion.  Give the Reserves a look.  It doesn't limit your civilian employment or life as you fear because you only commit the time you have to commit.  If that works, and you can resolve your marital issues, then a jump to the Regular Force can be your next step.  Nothing is lost in this as many Reserve qualifications are recognized accepted upon and transfer to the Regular Force.

But, first things first.  Sort oiut your domestic situation.

Good luck.


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## Ehkart (11 Jan 2010)

Thanks for the response. Thing is we spent six months in counseling and as it turns out we're rougher off afterward, the main thing it did for us was allow us to convey our feelings solidly without exploding right away and giving up. It hasn't made us right. I just worry that I'll not go for this and become fat and lazy and then the next thing you know I'll have gone so far down that road that there will be no coming back. By then I'll be old and tired and full of guilt for not serving the country that allowed me to live so freely.


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## aesop081 (11 Jan 2010)

Ehkart said:
			
		

> I have difficulty living at home with my family because of things like my wife not being organized or efficient(in my opinion)



If that is what you have to complain about, you are doing better than alot of people i know. I think you need to revisit why you are not happy. Blaming that on your wife's "organization and efficiency" is a cop out.




> having two children both under ten makes for chaotic times often.



I'm a single father of 2 teenaged girls that live with me full-time and work in a regularly deployed unit.

You think you have it "chaotic" ?






> If you don't like me I respect that but I want you to tell me to my face;



I am pretty much the poster child for an asshole so consider this to be "in your face"





> I think why have a tool that you only use some of the time?



I'm a Regular force airman.....i only get to use my tools "some of the time" too.........What experience are you basing your statement on ? None ?





> I believe that the Reserves would limit me from having a full civilian life and job.



Why ? What are you basing this on this time ?




> The tension built



You are basing your decisions and attitude on misconceptions so i'm surprised that "tension" is the only thing building.



> I believe



I beleive the problem is not where you are placing it. Give your head a shake......


* I am not a mariage fixer but i am a total jerk and did stay at a holliday inn a few times. I'm also happily divorced.


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## aesop081 (11 Jan 2010)

Ehkart said:
			
		

> full of guilt for not serving the country that allowed me to live so freely.



Do yourself and your family a favour and drop the rah rah flag-waving retoric.


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## Ehkart (11 Jan 2010)

Yowser, I'll try to answer without sounding like an idiot...

Thanks, I do know I need a good shake, if I didn't then I wouldn't be here. I don't believe that I am blaming this on my wife; shes an amazing woman and I wish she'd support me on this. I believe that I am the one with issues regarding living a normal life and I believe that the Forces is the solution. As for the chaos I refer to in regards to my children, its again that I do not believe I am a strong parent and do not belong in the life I am living. I love my children and my wife is one of the strongest people I know. I don't know why the Reserves would limit me, but I believe that it would because its being a part-time soldier, I already have little time to throw around as it is. Our business is becoming lucrative and working for it is becoming less important to achieve the same goals so maybe the Reserves is a future option. I will investigate it further, I apologize for the misconceptions I've been led to believe. I do feel that I owe both myself and the bastards who are getting shot at overseas a try at helping out, I am not false-patriotic. I do however like the idea of retiring with a full pension and feeling as though I may have made some kind of impact on the world(even if its a part of my body left somewhere) rather than being impotent in life as I am now.


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## aesop081 (11 Jan 2010)

Ehkart said:
			
		

> I am not false-patriotic.



I never said that you were but you realy need to put the patriotism aside so you can think clearly and not sell yourself into a course of action you are not quite ready to take.

I'm not the greatest father in the world and i sure was not the greatest husband but let me tell you this, there are days where i wish i had worked more at it.

Nothing wrong with being a reservist. I case you didnt know, many reservist amongst those getting shot at in Afghanistan. You serve your country as a reservist too......

Misguided ideals are killing you........


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## Ehkart (11 Jan 2010)

Thank you for some unabated feeling. I needed some third-party response that isn't biased. I will consider your advice and it will become part of my decision, I came here looking for help and anything offered is something gained. I certainly do not think that being a Reservist is any less of a soldier and I would be proud to fight as a full-time or part-time soldier. Thanks again for this and I do value your input as you are serving currently.


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## aesop081 (11 Jan 2010)

Good luck whatever you decide.


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## blacktriangle (11 Jan 2010)

CDN Aviator said:
			
		

> I'm a single father of 2 teenaged girls that live with me full-time and work in a regularly deployed unit.
> 
> You think you have it "chaotic" ?



I will try not to de-rail this, but...

How the hell do you manage that with being gone all the time? I was raised by a single father that worked his *** off, but then again he didn't have two girls...


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## aesop081 (11 Jan 2010)

popnfresh said:
			
		

> I will try not to de-rail this, but...
> 
> How the hell do you manage that with being gone all the time? I was raised by a single father that worked his *** off, but then again he didn't have two girls...



To be honest, i dont know what i'm doing........I just try my hardest and have some good freinds to back me up.


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## zipperhead_cop (11 Feb 2010)

Ehkart said:
			
		

> Thanks, I do know I need a good shake, if I didn't then I wouldn't be here. I don't believe that I am blaming this on my wife; shes an amazing woman and I wish she'd support me on this. I believe that I am the one with issues regarding living a normal life and I believe that the Forces is the solution.



If she is an amazing woman, perhaps there is a reason that she is _not_ supporting you?  And if you have somehow been drawn to believe that the Regular Force is what would fit into most peoples definition of a "normal life" then you need to look a bit harder at what they do.  



			
				Ehkart said:
			
		

> As for the chaos I refer to in regards to my children, its again that I do not believe I am a strong parent and do not belong in the life I am living.



I don't know if it is the print medium that we are using, but that line sort of confirms a general theme of "selfish adult child" coming from you.  Apologies if not.  Nobody made you get married. Nobody made you have kids.  You are committed to their lives (or should be).  THEIR needs (at least the kids) should be paramount and should be foremost in your decision process.  I have known a few guys that think it is sexy and romantic to throw themselves on their swords and say "Gawd, I'm just a terrible cad and they'd all be better off without me around".  Abandoning your responsibilities is not being a good father (that isn't a financial reference either).  



			
				Ehkart said:
			
		

> I love my children and my wife is one of the strongest people I know.



Then perhaps you should rely on that love and trust her to un-fuck your marriage?  



			
				Ehkart said:
			
		

> I don't know why the Reserves would limit me, but I believe that it would because its being a part-time soldier, I already have little time to throw around as it is. Our business is becoming lucrative and working for it is becoming less important to achieve the same goals so maybe the Reserves is a future option.



IMO, from what you have posted thus far, you are ruling out the Reserves because it won't give you the total and complete break from your family life that you are looking for.  



			
				Ehkart said:
			
		

> I do feel that I owe both myself and the bastards who are getting shot at overseas a try at helping out, I am not false-patriotic. I do however like the idea of retiring with a full pension and feeling as though I may have made some kind of impact on the world(even if its a part of my body left somewhere) rather than being impotent in life as I am now.



And ultimately, if that is your primary motivation then you should look at it.  However, the CF as an organization concerns itself with its taskings before its people.  "Mission First" you will frequently hear.  I will reserve my opinions as to what the "mission" means to some from day to day.  
At any rate, once in you will be looking at being in a residential learning situation for months at a time.  You can be sent anywhere in the country for years at a time.  You can bring your family with you, but that likely will crush the small business you have going.  It also uproots your kids from their social net and school.  You will be frequently on training exercises that will also take you away from home, sometimes months at a time.  If you deploy overseas, those gigs are looking like they are 9 months minimum lately.  

So you need to do some hard thinking.  As mentioned, you need to get your head around _why_ you want to escape your family life.  Hopefully, you won't have any regrets no matter what you decide.  But some things you can't take back.


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## Ehkart (13 Feb 2010)

I am going to visit my Doctor tomorrow to see about mood altering drugs as I realize that I am not right. I apologize to everyone who may have wasted time on my case.


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## Loachman (13 Feb 2010)

Huh?


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## Ehkart (22 May 2010)

So I had some difficulty in life with some feelings that I was very confused about. I expressed that I was unhappy with my current situation and that I thought my family was bringing me down; I was sure joining and heading overseas was the answer. I visited my Doctor on the wishes of my wife as she expressed that my choice was unacceptable. As it turns out through some testing my Doctor and I discovered that I was fairly clinically depressed. I was prescribed some medication and given a program to work through to which I am very happy to say it has changed alot for me. I have not felt the way I do now for about ten or twelve years; I've always been one to see things in a negative way which I thought was just prudent and normal. I do fear that I'll need to remain using this medication to continue functioning correctly for the rest of my life but for me its a fairly small price to pay to see things the way I do now. Life certainly in no way is perfect and I have shown I still have some light smacktard tendencies but overall life has greatly improved. I do realize that I made a poor choice back when I was eighteen or nineteen by not choosing to join the forces but I can live with that. I'm too old to start the career I want in the forces and really have no real other reason to join; I only want to be a part of it because I want to, not because I don't have steady work or are single and have little responsibility. I do know that many members of the forces would argue that they had steady work, were married and had much responsibility but for me those are reasons enough. It would be entirely unfair to my wife and children for me to leave over my own wants. For now at least I can be happy to be a military enthusiast and be home every night with my wife and children. I hope that my earlier posts haven't obliterated my credibility as I would like to enjoy a mildly active membership on the Army.ca forums.


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