# stupid questions answered by smart canucks



## Jonny Boy (4 Apr 2005)

These questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism
Website -  obviously the answers came from a fellow Canuck.


Q: I have never seen it warm on TV, so how do the plants grow?  (UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.


Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.


Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroadtracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water. . .


Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)

A: Let's not touch this one.


Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?


Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.


Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.


Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.


Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.


Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)

A: No, WE don't stink.


Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)

A: Anywhere a significant numbers of Americans gather.


Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK)

A: You are an American politician, right?


Q: Can you tell me the regions on British Columbia where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.


Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)

A: Only at Thanksgiving.


Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?(Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.


Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: All Canadian rattle snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be safely handled and make good pets.


Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)

A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.


Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated
while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.


Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.


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## Big Foot (4 Apr 2005)

Please tell me this is some sick joke. I can't and won't believe that some people are simply that stupid.


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## Michael Dorosh (4 Apr 2005)

How many Canadians could explain the electoral process in the States, name the capitol of North Carolina, or realize...

actually, the "Vienna" is the give away this is NOT a Canadian joke, but some internet thing about Australia that some lamo decided to Canadianize.   Might be funny if Canada was spelled anything like Austria, but its not.




> Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
> 
> A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.



Australia...Austria.... might have been funny.

Ditto the R and R comment - in 1969, US servicemen were coming to Australia in sizeable numbers due to being posted to Vietnam for the war there.   Why would anyone get an R and R in Surrey, BC?



> Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated
> while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
> 
> A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.


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## condor888000 (4 Apr 2005)

Some are likely true, I've been in Cornwall in July and seen some American's come across with skates , ski's and winter clothes, sure that they would freeze to death the instant they crossed the border. Mind you I saw Canucks going south in t-shirts, shorts and sandals in January........... :


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## winchable (4 Apr 2005)

I think we stereotype ourselves by pretending that there aren't people in Canada who aren't asking the same questions about other countries.
We've cultivated this lovely sense of smug superiority by forwarding around things like this, when I get this in my e-mail it's clearly as jingoist as any "Patriotic American" thing I get thrown at me.

To quote a 20 year old Canadian aquaintance of mine enquiring how regular trips to England have been:
"Is it always foggy?"
"Is the tea that much better?"
"Do you eat trumpets?" (I think she meant crumpets)
"Do you know _____ from London?"
"Why would you want to join their military, don't they wear those funny hats?"


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## rmc_wannabe (4 Apr 2005)

[quote="condor8000] Mind you I saw Canucks going south in t-shirts, shorts and sandals in January........... :[/quote]

lol, reminds me of goin to Virginia Beach in the middle of april. Only me and a few fellow Canadians were dressed in shorts and t shirts. Let alone us being the only people on the beach swimming abd tanning  ;D


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## camochick (4 Apr 2005)

HAHA I worked at a call center making reservations for a car rental company, and i heard all sorts of dumb things. Like mid july they would ask how cold it was here, or the woman who told me she couldnt come to canada since she couldnt speak french(although mysteriously she understood me even though she claimed we all spoke french). I had one woman call and insist she wanted to rent a car in Canada, i asked for the province and she kept saying Canada. Finally she got mad and blurted out montreal. I think the best was when my friend got a call from someone wanting to rent a car in cubic. My friend never heard of it before but looked it up. After awhile with the woman insisting on the place being cubic, my friend figured it out. Cubic is quebec hehe.


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## I_am_John_Galt (4 Apr 2005)

Che said:
			
		

> I think we stereotype ourselves by pretending that there aren't people in Canada who aren't asking the same questions about other countries.
> We've cultivated this lovely sense of smug superiority by forwarding around things like this, when I get this in my e-mail it's clearly as jingoist as any "Patriotic American" thing I get thrown at me.



I wish it weren't true ...




> "Why would you want to join their military, don't they wear those funny hats?"



I thought only the Paras were allowed to call them craphats!   ;D


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## Dirt Digger (4 Apr 2005)

rmc_wannabe said:
			
		

> lol, reminds me of goin to Virginia Beach in the middle of april. Only me and a few fellow Canadians were dressed in shorts and t shirts. Let alone us being the only people on the beach swimming abd tanning   ;D



While doing a course at NAS Pensacola in Florida in the fall, I had the "good fortune" to attend a Pensacola Ice Pilots hockey game.  Probably one of the funniest sporting events I've ever seen:

1) Most people were wearing sweaters and had blankets  I was wearing shorts and a t-shirt, and it was still uncomfortably warm for an arena.
2) The program had a page explaining the different positions.  "The goalie guards the net".
3) When the game started, you could not find an open seat below the glass.  However, I was able to buy seats at the red line and about ten feet above the glass at the gate (I think I paid about 12 bucks US).  Which leads into...
4) Warnings every 5 or so minutes to watch the puck.  Hockey is a fast game, etc.
5) Every sideshow gimmick ever associated with arena sports including a t-shirt cannon, hotdog cannon, mini-blimp dropping coupons, intermission games, etc.  A total gong show with some hockey thrown in.
6) An introduction of the players in a dark arena w/spot lights, with them going through an inflatable arch of a Pirate flying a fighter jet (?!?)

But the best of all, 7) With the exception of 2 or 3 Swedes, every player was Canadian.  There was *not* a single American on the team.

All in all, it was a pretty good night of entertainment...as long as you weren't interested in seeing a hockey game.


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## Highland Lad (4 Apr 2005)

I used to work at the Canadian High Commission in London (UK), and I loved to hear the complaints about the "Canadian Geese" in Hyde Park - why didn't we take them back home where they were from - how did they end up in the UK? did they get lost flying back home to Canada after winter down south? (etc, etc, etc.)

My best, though, was in Florida, at Walt Disney World... I was approached by an attractive young lady from Texas, whose opening line was "Y'all sure talk real cute... where y'all from ?" When she found out I was from Ottawa, in Canada, she asked me if I knew so-and-so from Edmonton... and it turned out to be a guy I'd gone to school with.


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## Fraser.g (4 Apr 2005)

While I was living in Vancouver in the late 80's I received a Fax from a friend of mine in England. 
It explained that a friend of his was comming to the area and if it would not be too much trouble could I go to the airport and pick him up and bring him to his hotel.

Of course I said yes and for him to send me the flight arrival info.

The information made me burst out immediately, it was: Air Canada Arriving 1340 Date at Pierson International etc.

I left the following message on his answering machine. You go pick him up...you are closer than I am. 
And then called him later to explain.

GF


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## Haggis (4 Apr 2005)

Two quick ones:

1. Three years ago I was on an elevator at Fort Knox.  A US Army SSgt boards and is standing near my left shoulder (I was in CADPAT).  With a loud and huge Foxworthy style drawl he asks "Whut.... language... do y'all... speak... in ... yer.... home.... country?"

I looked him right in the eye and answered "English. And you?"

2. In 1998 I was on R&R in a north Florida city when, being rather thirsty, my CQ and I walked into a quite empty "hole-in-the-wall" type bar in the middle of the afternoon.  The bartender looked at us and said "Hey, you must be Canadian!"  We asked "How can you tell?"  He replied "You got short hair and you ain't holdin' hands."   

We left.


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## Glorified Ape (5 Apr 2005)

A buddy of mine from Oregon was coming to visit (Toronto) and he'd never been to Canada. I told him he'd better like fish because it accounted for 99% of Canadians' diets. He was like "Oh, that's no problem, I don't mind fish". This was in July and I told him "There's about 5 ft. of snow on the ground and it's freezing cold so you'd better bring warm clothes" and he bought it hook, line, and sinker. Of course, I told him I was screwing with him shortly after but it was just funny to hear him accept such things without doubt. Of course, I told my buddy from Uganda (who's Christian and had been living here (Montreal) for about a year) that when he stayed with my family in Toronto for Christmas there was a ritual Christmas beating of newcomers with rubber hoses and he bought it. 

That being said, I've made my fair share of stupid inquiries and statements to foreigners. Nothing as bad as "Do you have toilets" or anything but still dumb.


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## Michael Dorosh (5 Apr 2005)

Well, how about the reverse?

When in England as Canadian musicians on loan to the Scottish Division for a month in 1990, one of the corporals in our pipe band walked up to newspaper vendors asking loudly 'DO YA GOT ANY PORN?"

"wot???"

"YOU KNOW, DIRTY PICTURES??"

I was so proud.  I personally asked the "chef" in the men's kitchen at Pirbright barracks "When's Mexican night?"  I got a dumbfounded look before he muttered "we don't have one of those here."


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## Pte. Bloggins (5 Apr 2005)

Haggis said:
			
		

> Two quick ones:
> 
> 1. Three years ago I was on an elevator at Fort Knox.   A US Army SSgt boards and is standing near my left shoulder (I was in CADPAT).   With a loud and huge Foxworthy style drawl he asks "Whut.... language... do y'all... speak... in ... yer.... home.... country?"
> 
> I looked him right in the eye and answered "English. And you?"



Speaking of which, I had a U.S. Sgt (also at Fort Knox, but this was a few weeks ago) ask us about the headdress of one of the Highlander units present. More specifically, it sounded something like (but with a really strong redneck accent):

"So what's the deal with all the red BALL hats around? Does that red BALL mean they're some sort of General or somethin? And what with them feathers in them hats?"

Also had a lady at the PX ask me "So is the Queen like y'all's Pres-ee-dent?" 

Had a hard time keeping a straight face.


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## Lost_Warrior (5 Apr 2005)

> Mind you I saw Canucks going south in t-shirts, shorts and sandals in January...........



This reminds me of this one time here in Montreal while I was biking down to the old port, this tour bus from the US was stoping to let some US tourists out.

It mist have been 45 degrees C with humidity out and these Americans come strutting off the bus in their long pants, winter coats, tukes and gloves....and are all shocked at the heat, and rush to take it all off....

I mean come on.....if you're going somewhere, you should look at the weather and temperature of where you're going.....unless they thought it was 45 F....  :


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## Glorified Ape (6 Apr 2005)

Sig Bloggins said:
			
		

> Speaking of which, I had a U.S. Sgt (also at Fort Knox, but this was a few weeks ago) ask us about the headdress of one of the Highlander units present. More specifically, it sounded something like (but with a really strong redneck accent):
> 
> "So what's the deal with all the red BALL hats around? Does that red BALL mean they're some sort of General or somethin? And what with them feathers in them hats?"
> 
> ...



Maybe they were related... and married. I hear that's par for the course down there.  ;D


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## sigpig (6 Apr 2005)

S_Baker said:
			
		

> yeah, just what I would expect from a CDN with a "Moral Superpower" attitude.  Nice stereotype...............



C'mon, you saw the happy face, take it easy on him.

However, as a Canadian who has lived in the US for over six years now, I have seen and heard so many instances of Americans being 'unintentionally ignorant' that it can't be overlooked. I believe part of the problem is the education system, which seems to focus so much on the US that other countries get little mention. Another problem is the media feeding the 'America is best, nothing else matters' syndrome. 

When I moved to Louisville, KY I tried to describe Calgary's location as being about 3 hours north of the Montana border. Half the people didn't know where Montana was. A very smart programmer argued with me over what was the capital of the neighbouring state of Tennessee. I was right. His reply, "Well, that's not my state." Americans seem to be so focused on their city, within their state, within their country that knowledge of people and places on the 'outside' is sorely lacking.

No offence is intended by these remarks, they are just observations I've made in my time here. Yes, not all Canadians are as knowledgeable about other countries as they should be, and that is wrong. And I have met Americans who are knowledgeable about Canada and other countries, but they are a small minority.

Now, if you want to slam me, I understand perfectly.


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## Gunnar (6 Apr 2005)

I won't slam you, but I would point out that Canadian perception of the US having a lower level of education fails to take into account our own woeful education system.  20 years ago, we kicked ass.  Now, thanks to adopting the same unworkable theories of education used in the US, we are now on a par, more or less, with the US....and it ain't cuz they suddenly got better!

People educated in the English system are usually appalled by the lack of education in our country.


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## Michael Dorosh (6 Apr 2005)

Ask the average Canadian on the street who his MLA is, he won't have a clue.  Or city alderman.  Ask him what Vimy Ridge was, or what year World War I ended, or how many people sit in the Senate (or for that matter, what they do), and I think you will be surprised at the answers.

I'd like to see someone in the US do a "talking to Canadians" bit the way Mercer does with Americans; I am sure it would be just as comical.


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## Jonny Boy (6 Apr 2005)

ya i ask people history questions all the time. easy ones not detailed. like vimy ridge, the year that ww1 started and ended, ww2 started and ended. and many more. usually no one knows the answers. it makes me frustrated because even though they tell me they don't care ( which makes me even more frustrated) i will end up telling them everything.


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## Island Ryhno (6 Apr 2005)

Michael Dorosh said:
			
		

> I'd like to see someone in the US do a "talking to Canadians" bit the way Mercer does with Americans; I am sure it would be just as comical.



So everyone likes to bang on Mercer but give the guy a break, that's his job, that's how he keeps his popularity up and it's no different than the american comics who go to the "Just for Laughs" festival in Montreal and rag on about Canadians. I believe the big difference is that we seem to be able to laugh at ourselves whereas the American are over patriotized. It's not that it's wrong, it's just their culture. Also on this whole board anytime someone brings up the American/Canadian debate there is a constant slamming of us being Morale superheros and being smug, cmon no one is as smug and superior as the americans, even to each other. As for your quote Micheal, it's not just Mercer doing it either, has any ever seen Jay Walking on Leno, same thing, done by an american to an american.


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## winchable (6 Apr 2005)

So when do we whip it out and compare?

Or should we just see who can pee further?

I'm locking it,
This took a downhill turn right from the start and hit rock bottom when it was pointed out that this isn't even a Canadian joke.


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