# How do I make him understand??



## tourwife (24 Aug 2005)

Ok hubby is on fourth tour; and in all those months he's been gone I've only recieved 2 letters from him.  This tour is much different just because we were seperated for some time, and there's not a lot of access to the phones, the internet has been down for the last two weeks down there, How do I make him understand how important it is to have something physical from him there that I can read over and over again if I do so want to?  It never gets through. Grrrrrrrrrrr! :rage:


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## pronto (24 Aug 2005)

Send him your note as an email, and tell him that his job also includes sending you a letter a week. Tell him this is deadly serious, and will cause a rift if he doesn't. Tell him other guys send their partners letters, and that he is falling behind in his job as a spouse. This should appeal to his competitive juices, his sense of embarassement, and get him on the ball.

Good Luck


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## NavyGirl280 (24 Aug 2005)

Tourwife,

     I am sorry to hear what youre going through. I count my blessings that my fiance hasn't had to sail since I met him 1 1/2 ago, however, he does sail next year and I only pray he keeps in contact with me as often as possible. This being the first time I am physically away from him for so long, is going to feel like hell. I have no doubt in my mind. We are getting married in 3 1/2 weeks and the only thing keeping me from completely losing my mind when he sails, is that he is using a reverse LTA to fly me to port so we can have our honeymoon. I look forward to that. As well, it should only be a short sail, however, that's up in the air and anythiing can happen. 
     As for your husband, he needs to understand that our letters, phone calls, emails ... whatever they can send ... is sometimes our only way of knowing things are okay. Sometimes the saying "No news is good news" should be used lightly when referring to the spouces of men and women in the forces. We understand they are out there doing their job. But they can't forget that we are home doing ours and part of our job at home is to make sure everything and everyone is ok. That includes our spouces. We need to know their safety hasnt been jeopardized and thats not possible when we hear nothing and sit home worrying. 
     I havent had to say good bye to my fiance and when he does sail, it will be saying good bye to my new husband and my bestfriend. However, I do know its never easy seeing someone go. Ive watched my Uncles sail too many times and watched my Aunts at home as they worry day by day that everything is okay and to see the relief on their faces when word comes in that everything is fine. The countless hours that she sat there crying, holding his picture when my cousins went to bed. And to put up a front during the day so she could remain strong for her kids. Sometimes its not the hardest part being at sea, taking in all the beautiful ports and such, but being at home. It takes a strong, devoted person to be married into the military. And I have all the respect in the world for those of you who have been married for years. My fiances parents have been married through the military and just seen 35 years of marriage. Thats something to be proud of. 
     Tourwife, I can only suggest using the resource centre as much as you can. As your aware, their support is amazing. I wish you nothing but the best of luck

S.Bradbury


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## Springroll (24 Aug 2005)

Awesome post Shari....you said everything I was going to say.

Make it VERY known to your husband that it is part of his job(and duty as your husband) to keep in touch with you while he is gone. The days go easier and things don't seem so bad when you get a nice email or letter from.

I know when I go to basic, I have already told my husband I am going to try to write as much as I can, even if it is only a postcard with I love you guys on it. Our bonus is that he has been on my sidfe of the fence before, so he knows how busy i will be and will be able to explain it to the kids.


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## medicineman (24 Aug 2005)

Tour Wife,

Try this - I saw it happen before.   Send a bunch of self addressed envelopes, a couple of pens and some paper and see if he gets the hint.   Since alot of us had the habit of opening care packages publicly (or semi-publicly), maybe that'll get a little embarrassment factor into it and he'll write back.   Or of course you could withhold for a bit - that would stimulate him to write, if nothing else to find out what's going on.  Though in his defence, because I've been there, sometimes you get a little wrapped up in what's going on and you get tunnel vision - not an excuse I know, but it does happen.

Oddly enough, I went through a tour where the reverse happened - nothing more miserable than watching everyone else get mail and you don't, or worse, you get mail from everyone but your spouse or significant other.   Not alot of fun there.

Anyhow, keep your chin up (just don't lead with it).

MM


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## tourwife (24 Aug 2005)

medicineman said:
			
		

> Tour Wife,
> 
> Try this - I saw it happen before.   Send a bunch of self addressed envelopes, a couple of pens and some paper and see if he gets the hint.   Since alot of us had the habit of opening care packages publicly (or semi-publicly), maybe that'll get a little embarrassment factor into it and he'll write back.   Or of course you could withhold for a bit - that would stimulate him to write, if nothing else to find out what's going on.   Though in his defence, because I've been there, sometimes you get a little wrapped up in what's going on and you get tunnel vision - not an excuse I know, but it does happen.
> 
> ...



yes, I think I'll have to try the box of self addressed envelopes, paper, and pens bit.  As for him getting mail from anyone, I'm the only one, so if I don't send he is truly going to miss it.  Thanks for the idea.


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## medicineman (24 Aug 2005)

No problem - hoep it works for you.

MM


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## caine737 (26 Aug 2005)

or go see the base padre, they are there for that. explain the situation and he can help out after.


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## tourwife (26 Aug 2005)

Cpl Elric Frenchie said:
			
		

> or go see the base padre, they are there for that. explain the situation and he can help out after.



unfortunetly I'm not one to go crying to the padre.  Not only that I don't think the situation warrents a visit.  I'm pissed at the fact that he won't write, but will it ruin us, not just this alone.

Thanks for the reply.


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## Kat Stevens (26 Aug 2005)

Getting the God Squad involved would be a huge mistake.  If you want to ensure that your SO never sees another tour, go to the Padre.  Don't get me wrong, the padre is an essential and integral part of the machine, but it's a bit like breaking out the scattergun to kill a fly.  A method I saw used to GREAT effect went someting like this:  Mrs Cpl Bloggins "casually" remarks to Mrs Major Undertaking (Bloggins' OC) how hubby never writes, or calls, and it's sorta bumming her, the 2.4 kids, and the cocker spaniel out.  Mrs Major Undertaking speaks her hubby, her hubby wanders down to where the slaves row the boat, and "suggests" that port side #3 galley slave Bloggins contact his missus a tad more frequently. For best effect, usually done in front of a group of oarsmen, nothing like a bit of peer pressure.

Kat


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## caper861 (26 Aug 2005)

Well, I think that at sometime us stay at home partners have gone through this.  I like the idea of sending the box of stationary.  My husband said "men aren't the writing kind".  So, I kindley told him I was the reading kind and he had to supply the material.  I think that by the pic you have a couple of kids, so maybe include the fact that at bed time you read daddy's letter instead of books.  Show your husband the importance of what these letters mean to you.  Start a scrapbook and everytime he sends a letter put it in a book with a few newspaper headlines, pictures the kids drew that day to daddy, a picture of an event of the day (like getting the letter from the mailbox).  Sounds like you two spend alot of time apart so it is important to make the time together the best you can.  He has no reason to not send a letter once a week (even if it takes all week to write it) but remember not to add to much stress to the situtation since he is overseas and his job is different.  I may be talking out of my a** but this is just my 2 cents.  Good luck with this.


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## #1 Chief Clerk (27 Aug 2005)

Well don't I know what ya'll been through.  Right now I'm going thru my husbands 6th tour with our 10 year anniversary coming up in 2 weeks.  Words of wisdom - what works for one person doesn't work for everyone.  Everyone is different, but put yourself is his  shoes once in awhile.  They go thru a lot over there, sometimes too much.  My husband has been working 20 hours days 7 days a week for 2 months now so if he calls me I know that he's sacrificing his sleep to do it.  Be patient by dear and know that he loves you just as much if he writes or if he doesn't.  I know what those letters, emails and phone calls mean but don't weigh your happiness on them.

Hope this helps.


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## tourwife (27 Aug 2005)

#1 Chief Clerk said:
			
		

> Well don't I know what ya'll been through.   Right now I'm going thru my husbands 6th tour with our 10 year anniversary coming up in 2 weeks.   Words of wisdom - what works for one person doesn't work for everyone.   Everyone is different, but put yourself is his   shoes once in awhile.   They go thru a lot over there, sometimes too much.   My husband has been working 20 hours days 7 days a week for 2 months now so if he calls me I know that he's sacrificing his sleep to do it.   Be patient by dear and know that he loves you just as much if he writes or if he doesn't.   I know what those letters, emails and phone calls mean but don't weigh your happiness on them.
> 
> Hope this helps.



I know I don't have too much clue as too what they go through over there, but when my husband calls me and tells me about all the $2.00 movies that he rents and watches on his new $2000.00 laptop, I believe that taking a few minutes to write done a few words isn't going to break him.  
Thankyou though for your comments and advice, it's greatly appreciated.


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## GO!!! (27 Aug 2005)

From the other side of the house....

I found it alot easier to be seperated from my significant other when overseas/tasking/cells etc. if I just did'nt think about her - at all, unless I was on the phone with her. 

Just my personal method of dealing with seperation - but maybe he's doing the same thing?


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## kimmie (7 Oct 2005)

Tour wife, I think Kat Stevens had a great idea, as did everyone else. My dh is notorious for not writing, though he is really good with the emails, when I remind him.  : We've all had this problem. It can be a pest.


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## Trinity (7 Oct 2005)

I've sent you a PM with some Ideas...

For the record.. Padres CAN HELP without taking people's careers......

I just did.  ;D

Any horror story you have is probably tainted at best by other incidents
or misinformation of the situation and soldier. I'm sure some chains have
abused the confidentiality of Padre's in the past... but *in theory* nothing
should happen to the spouse because the wife is talking to the chaplain
unless

1) it involves the soldier / spouse hurting themselves
2) hurting others
3) involvement of children (I'll be vague on that... but if they're in danger)

I'm not here to argue what a specific padre has done in the past or how you
or someone got screwed over cause no one can provide the facts in a satisfactory
manner.  Just saying.. don't write us off so quickly next time.


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## Kat Stevens (7 Oct 2005)

You took me a little out of context, Padre.  The God Squad is an integral and essential part of the team, and I for one wouldn't trade them off for anything.  However, there has been a tendency in the kinder, gentler army to involve the Padres over some pretty trivial issues (see my shotgun and fly ref).  If any slight was perceived in my post, it was unintended, and is hereby withdrawn.  Vaya con carne, Padre  ;D


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## Trinity (7 Oct 2005)

No Problem Kat..

I understand now..

I had a major surprised and impressed when I politely suggested a troop to "suck it up"

Too much 'soft' stuff comes our way cause a small number troops are trying to
get out of duties or obtain a free ride from us.  It drives me crazy personally.  Being
from the ranks... I'm the best person to help you.. but God help troops if they're lying
to me.. cause.. I've been around. ;D


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## tourwife (8 Oct 2005)

I just thought I'd post a quick update.  Hubby and I have talk regularly on msn messenger which is great, and I look forward to racing down to the computer every night at 9:30 to await his sign in.  I've sent him a billion and one parcels, letters, envelopes, etc.. filled with all sorts of goodies and treasures, yes including that one filled with stationary.  Unfortunetly mail isn't very good at getting to him, and in the 10ish weeks he's been there, he's only received 2 things.  He has sent our oldest son a letter for his birthday which was hmm 5 or 6 weeks ago, and no we still haven't received it.  He did send me flowers for our 11 year anniversary since meeting (he forgot our wedding anniversary, typical man eh) which was a great surprise seeing on how with everything going on here I totally forgot.  Thanks for all the posts.


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## North (12 Oct 2005)

tourwife , that is so awesome. I'm glad things are going better now.


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## tourwife (14 Oct 2005)

Well he must have received the envelopes and paper cause today in the mail, I found a letter to little old me from my husband.   What a treat that was to add to the already great couple of days I've been having.

Edited to say, he wasn't embarrassed, him and his buddies thought it was funny *shaking my head* Men.


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## medicineman (22 Oct 2005)

Good to hear he at least got a laugh out of it.
MM


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