# PTSD and The Family



## Booked_Spice (16 Jul 2006)

Hey Everyone,

Well as of you some of you know my husband is coming home from Afghanistan in just over a month. YEAH !!!!!!

It has been a rough tour. He is always on the Front lines it seems and has seen more then I would understand. This is our first tour and I have read so much information and I have talked to some members already regarding this subject.

My question to everyone who has experienced this kind of deployment or environment, What should I expect from my husband and how do I handle it. I know that everyone is different and handles coming home in their own way. However I believe in the more knowledge I have the easier it is to deal with situations that may pop up.

Some members indicated to watch for excessive drinking and nightmares etc....If you can share any information it would be greatly appreciated and if you don't' want to post information, please feel free to PM me.

Let me give you some back ground information. I have read every document I can on combat stress, PTSD etc.. However I just want to have some different opinions on this topic.

Thanks in advance.


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## Gunner (16 Jul 2006)

Booked, 

Your husbands unit and the MFRC should be running information sessions for the families, prior to your husband coming home.  This 2-3 hour session will outline some of the stages you and your family will go through.  Your husband will be going through similar sessions in Cyprus as part of their 3 day decompression phase.

In answer to your question, your family will be over 6 months out of synchronization.  Your husband has spent the last six months thinking about returning to the life he knows (pre tour).  Whereas, you and your children have moved six months on with your lives without him.  You need to reacquaint yourselves and it takes several months, and some angst, before you are harmonized with each other.  *Key thing is to keep the channells of communication open, don't push him to talk with you, be a listener.*  Allow him to reintegrate into your family, don't force him into what you think he should be doing. 

If you feel things aren't working out, make sure you get into counselling right away.  Don't let problems, perceived or real, persist.  

My 2 cents.


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## Booked_Spice (16 Jul 2006)

Thanks Gunner,

I haven't' heard about any information sessions in regards to this. But I will keep my eyes open.

I do have a question it may sound out of left field but I want to ask it.

I have 2 small children. My 3yr old always jumps on Daddy to wake him up. I have heard that she shouldn't be doing this because it may awake him with a start. That he should be awoken slowly. I know that every solider reacts differently. When hubby was home on leave he seemed " normal" ( not sure of the correct wording) I understand the reasoning why but I am not sure how to explain this to her.

I also heard that some soldiers have a switch and they can turn on the game side switch and shut it off when they are with their families. I have seen hubby do this is the past. Is this normal?


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## Gunner (16 Jul 2006)

You should hear about the redeployment briefings shortly, let me know if you don't in about a week.



> I have 2 small children. My 3yr old always jumps on Daddy to wake him up. I have heard that she shouldn't be doing this because it may awake him with a start. That he should be awoken slowly. I know that every solider reacts differently. When hubby was home on leave he seemed " normal" ( not sure of the correct wording) I understand the reasoning why but I am not sure how to explain this to her.



Ask your husband if he is ok with the 3 yr jumping on him.  He's probably fine with it still.



> I also heard that some soldiers have a switch and they can turn on the game side switch and shut it off when they are with their families. I have seen hubby do this is the past. Is this normal?



I don't know your husband or what your husband did in Afghanistan, so it is difficult to answer.  Even if he was a hard charging soldier who spent the entire six months conducting one contact after another, he may be the type of person who can leave any mental issues overseas.  Maybe he has buried his emotions very deep inside.  Maybe he was a RMS Clk who didn't leave the wire but was involved in first aid for soldiers wounded in the recent rocket attack and this plagues him every night.  My point is stress and combat affects everyone differently.  The US military has developed a very good programme, "battlemind" that the CF medical system has adopted for redeploying soldiers.  It talks and discussed how soldiers feel overseas and how they feel back at home.  It has received very good reviews. 

http://www.battlemind.org/


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## Booked_Spice (16 Jul 2006)

Thanks for the link Gunner.

For those that don't know. My hubby is in the Infantry. He has along with his company been through some rough stuff that I could not even imagine. This is the reason I started this thread. I am sorry I should of included this in my original post.

As some members know I have a had a hard time with the REAR Party and the MFRC on different issues. That is one of the reasons I posted this thread. I have found more information and support on this site then I have with other support venues.

Thanks once again.


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## she (17 Jul 2006)

Booked_Spice,

You may want to talk to your husband about this option before you consider pursuing it...

I'm not going to speak from personal experience, but I will be describing something my neighbours did when he returned home from his second tour in Afghanistan.  We don't have any kids, so it wasn't something we've ever needed to pursue.  My husband didn't have to try and adjust to being home and being surrounded by children who needed his constant attention from the moment he came home - but my neighbours have two small children (a few months old and a 3 year old) and he found this helped him a lot when he returned home the second time.  

She arranged for the kids to go to visit their grandparents for a week beginning the day before he was scheduled to arrive at the airport.  They had a week to get to know each other again and have some quality time together.  They had time to talk about what had been going on at home, he got to learn what the new schedules were around the house and they got a chance to get to know each other again - before the kids descended on the house.  He found it a lot easier to adjust to being home by spending the time at home with his wife before the kids were brought into it.  

This won't be something that's right for everyone.  It's especially not going to go over well if your husband is really looking forward to seeing the kids.  I know they had discussed this before he came home and I think it was he who originally suggested it as an option, which is why I recommend you discussing it with your husband first before moving forward with any arrangements.

Also, be very patient with his behaviour, even if it seems really odd to you at the time.  I remember when my hubby came home from Bosnia he would walk the long way around grassy areas and just couldn't bring himself to walk on grass for months.  He knew it was safe here, but he had a hard time retraining himself to walk on it.  Needless to say I got to mow the lawn a lot      After he came home from Af, I had to dig out my sweaters.. he cranked the AC in the house for weeks!


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## military granny (18 Jul 2006)

Spice
What a great topic. As for our MFRC they ran the redeployment sessions over a month ago and yes once again no one was contacted about them. I noticed them on their calender after they were over. The last two sessions were on June 27 & 28.
Keep up with the great advice guys and gals, a lot of us out here are dealing with first deployment reunion stress.


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## Booked_Spice (18 Jul 2006)

Thanks Granny,

Well that is interesting news about the MFRC and I missed it. I am going to have to give them a call. 

Also Thanks everyone for your stories and your experiences hopefully this will help out all the spouses who may be feeling the same way I am.

Take care


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## proudnurse (14 Mar 2007)

A friend of mine had sent me this article quite sometime ago. I managed to find the source of the article itself online. It is from an American site, called "Veterans Today" It's account of one man's struggle with PTSD and also a compliation of letters he had written home during his Tour in Vietnam. I have posted just the link itself, as the article is quite extensive. 

http://www.veteranstoday.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=1826

Rebecca


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## GAP (13 May 2007)

I post this here because it was just on CTV National News, there will be more. It sounds like it was reasonably well handled.

No charges laid in standoff
Wife reports domestic dispute with local soldier
By Sun Media May 12, 2007 
Article Link 

No criminal charges will be laid against an Edmonton-based soldier who was in a two-hour standoff with city and military cops Friday night in the north end, police said Saturday. 
Officers were called about 9:30 p.m. to an apartment complex at 16221 95 St., where a soldier was holed up inside a suite. 

A woman had called 911 to report a domestic dispute with her husband who was suffering from mental health issues and “was on military leave with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder),” police said. 

The man’s wife and baby were able to leave the suite, and police negotiated with the man with help from a military padre. 

The standoff ended peacefully around 11:30 p.m., when the man was escorted into an ambulance and taken to hospital. 
End


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## Yrys (13 May 2007)

I hope that he will get the help that he seems to need.


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## simysmom99 (14 May 2007)

I know this lady and they are going through some very tough times.  I know that his treatment is ongoing and I know that she will continue to receive the support that she needs.  She is one hell of a lady and stands by her man.  I admire her for that.


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## Mike Baker (14 May 2007)

Yrys said:
			
		

> I hope that he will get the help that he seems to need.


+1.


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## GAP (25 Jan 2008)

Ombudsman probes how PTSD affecting troops returning from Kandahar, families
Article Link

EDMONTON - The military ombudsman is investigating how the Canadian Forces is dealing with soldiers who return from Afghanistan with post-traumatic stress disorder and with their families.

In 2002, before large-scale deployments of troops to Kandahar, the ombudsman's office issued a critical report on PTSD that contained 31 recommendations for change.

Six years later the ombudsman is reviewing half of those recommendations that were not implemented, including a call to establish databases on the number of soldiers with stress-related injuries and on soldiers who kill themselves, and another to improve support programs for the families of those diagnosed with PTSD.

The probe is a follow-up on what progress has been made but within the context of Afghanistan, where an estimated 10,000 Canadian troops have served since 2005.

"The big observation we have made is that there needs to be consistent treatment for people no matter where they live," interim ombudsman Mary McFadyen said from Ottawa.

"We want to ensure that the Canadian Forces is doing what they can to help families. And from the general observations we have made, it appears that there is more work to be done."

Post-traumatic stress disorder is a psychological injury from a severe stress such as military combat, seeing another person harmed or killed, or learning that a close friend or family member is in serious danger.

Symptoms can include flashbacks, nightmares, withdrawal from friends and family and increased aggression. PTSD can lead to depression, anxiety, and alcohol and drug abuse. Successful treatment can take years.

A report prepared for the Public Health Agency of Canada last fall in the Atlantic region called PTSD an emerging mental health issue. The report noted that it is important to anticipate how service in Afghanistan will put soldiers at risk for increased rates of post-traumatic stress disorder, substance use and depression.
More on link


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## The Bread Guy (24 Aug 2008)

Not posted as a troll, but something to think about and maybe discuss:  how can we help our returning warriors make peace with the new person they've become after being exposed to war?  Link to longer version of article below - highlights mine - shared in accordance with the "fair dealing" provisions, Section 29, of the _Copyright Act._

*Sharing War’s Burden*
Edward Tick, Utne Reader, Sept/Oct 08
Article link

Guilt, shame, slaughter without purpose, alienation from homeland and life itself—this was the legacy that Günter passed on to his son Walt from his combat service in Hitler’s Wehrmacht. Walt was born in the United States shortly after his parents emigrated here from Germany. Growing up in the Cold War 1950s, Walt longed to be an all-American boy, but he was always the Indian to his friends’ cowboys, the “Kraut” to their G.I. Joes.

When he turned 18, Walt volunteered for Vietnam. “I wanted to finally be one of the good guys,” Walt said. He could not know that, instead, he would return with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), feeling less than ever like “one of the good guys.”

*Our troops do not enlist because they want to destroy or kill. No matter the political climate, most troops seek to serve traditional warrior values: to protect the country they love, its ideals, and especially their families, communities, and each other. In my work counseling veterans of several wars, I’ve seen that PTSD is, in part, the tortured conscience of good people who did their best under conditions that would dehumanize anyone.*

Almost all cultures, past and present, have had warriors. They have also had complex stories and rituals to help them recover from combat and guide them through the life cycle. In traditional cultures, boys and men studied a “warrior’s path.” In these societies a warrior was not the same as a soldier—not merely a member of a huge, anonymous military institution used for the violent execution of political ends. Rather, warrior was one of the foundational roles that kept societies whole and strong. Warriors were fundamentally protectors, not destroyers.

People respond to the same call today. Michael, a Marine who served in Afghanistan, proudly declares that at age 18 he was the first in his state to enlist after 9/11. Nick, an Army officer who served in Iraq, signed up because of a lifelong desire “to be like Hector defending the gates of Troy.”

*Warriorhood, however, is not valued or nurtured in modern society. A veteran, especially one with disabilities, appears to many, and sometimes to himself or herself, as a failure in terms of normal civilian identity.*

*In Native American, Zulu, Buddhist, ancient Israeli, and other traditional cultures, returning warriors were put through significant rituals of purification before reentering their families and communities. These cultures recognized that unpurified warriors could, in fact, be dangerous. The absence of these rituals in modern society helps explain why suicide, homicide, and other destructive acts are common among veterans.*

In Vietnam Walt had exhumed bodies of enemy dead from mass graves and reburied them. He felt like he had dirtied and damaged his soul. Nick declared that, though he had wished to be a great champion of his people, “all they gave me was this dirty stinking little Iraq war.”

Walt entered individual and group psychotherapy for combat veterans. It helped to tell his stories, have his feelings and losses confirmed by other vets, and receive honor as part of a brotherhood. But he was in search of more cleansing, blessing, and soul healing than traditional therapy could provide.

He eventually partnered with a Native American woman. He studied her culture and participated in sweat lodges and other rituals. He attended a powwow where he was honored as a returned warrior. He was accepted by the Native community far more than he had been by mainstream America.

Most conventional therapies teach healers to avoid talk of morality. But war is inherently a moral enterprise, and veterans in search of healing are on a profound moral journey. Healers and communities must walk with them.* As a society, we must honor those wounds in ways that recognize the depth of psychic suffering.*

Warriors in traditional socie­ties served the need for protection, and all that was done was done in the tribe’s name. They had rituals transferring responsibility for actions during warfare from veterans to the entire culture. Ultimately leaders, not ordinary troops, were held responsible for the results of battle and for the deaths that occurred.

Without this transfer of responsibility, the veteran carries war’s secret grief and guilt for us all. During my healing retreats, veterans tell their stories, civilians speak of their lost loved ones, and everyone shares their damaged values and broken dreams. Our vets enter the center of our circle and civilians pledge to accept responsibility for any harm done in their name and to help carry the veterans’ stories for the rest of their lives. By sharing this burden we become a community united in service to war-healing.

Walt, who died of Agent Orange–related cancer last year, received acceptance from Native American communities. In my seven trips to Vietnam, and with every veteran and civilian I have met who has visited Vietnam since the war to reconcile, the Vietnamese people have offered acceptance and forgiveness. In contrast, since Afghanistan, Michael says, “I still love America, but America does not love me.”

_Edward Tick is a psychotherapist and author of War and the Soul and three other books. He has worked with veterans for three decades and is director of Soldier’s Heart, a return and healing project for veterans; www.soldiersheart.net. Excerpted from Yes!(Summer 2008); www.yesmagazine.org._

Longer version:
*Heal the Warrior, Heal the Country*
Breaking the cycle of war making: our country will not find peace until we take responsibility for our wars.
Edward Tick, Yes Magazine, Summer 2008
Article link


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