# Military - Family Life Balance



## kartik (9 Nov 2010)

I am a Naval Officer Cadet starting my BMOQ January 17th 2011. I am seeking advice on a little sensitive issue.

How do the CF personnel, be it an officer or NCM, cope with the stress of being away from family? I know people who sign up know what they are going into, but having said all those philosophical things, reality is different. Also how do the spouses, kids and family cope with their family member being away?

Please advice so I can get some tips to prepare myself

- K


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## acooper (9 Nov 2010)

I haven't been away from my husband for long, but I can tell you that having good communication with your spouse will make a difference. If you two have a hard time with good, effective communication now, distance is just going to make it worse. Make sure you each know how the other feels, that you communicate in a healthy way, etc.

And when you're away, do your best to get in touch every chance you have. Even if it's only a 3-minute talk on Google Chat, it's better than nothing at all. And good communication will make the best out of such short talks...


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## bekkamgov (9 Nov 2010)

When my hubby left for BMQ in january this year we had the worst communcation ever, but now that he is away we have the best communcation.. We talk on MSN whenever we can. Even tho you can't be with each other sometimes things can get even better.. I think it is like the saying distance makes the heart grow fonder.


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## kartik (9 Nov 2010)

Thank you for the input. A quick thought on how kids cope with this seperation?


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## TimBit (9 Nov 2010)

Well, kids never cope well with separation. I was away for 4 months last year and am going away for another four next week. But keeping in contact, as often as you can, is good, as is leaving things that will remind the kid of you. The MFRC can help you and your partner research ideas for your children prior to a deployment.

Good luck!


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## TangoTwoBravo (9 Nov 2010)

I have a wife, three kids and a dog.  It is never easy to leave.  When you are busy it isn't so bad, but during down-time you will probably be a little bummed out. I carry a book of pictures since you can't always have access to electronic means. Rest assured that there will be people around you going through the same thing and don't be afraid to share the load around.

As for my kids, I have tried to make sure that they understand why I go away. 

This link doesn't have all the answers, but it can get you started.  

http://www.forces.gc.ca/site/fam/CFFR-11-eng.asp

Best of luck!

T2B


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## mike63 (16 Dec 2010)

I was already in the military when I first meet my wife.  She was a base-brat so, she knew all about separation from having to go through it with her father.  When I came along, it was like there was this 'unwritten' code that existed and we both just dealt with it because we always knew that at one point (or more) it would happen.   Then when we had our first child, when I was away, that kept her busy and her mind occupied until bedtime.  I remember I left on a course when my girl was only 3 months old, when I can back home she was 9 months old...it was harder on me than on the both of them, it took her a few weeks to warm up to the idea that there was a man in the house then, all was good.

When we had our 2nd child, again, both of them kept my wife quite busy all day long except this time I could call home more than once a week.  I left on a 8 week tasking once and my boy, well he found a framed picture of me that my wife had on her dresser, he took out the picture and crumpled it all up because he was mad at me for leaving them!  He just didn't understand what was going on.  For him, right up until my last deployment when he was around 16, he still would get all pissed off at me for leaving.  I just couldn't get it through his head that this was my job and it was something I had to do, my daughter on the other hand got that and thought it was a pretty cool thing to explain on the 'show-and-tell days at school.  Every place I went, I always brought them a little something as a souvenir, then it was just expected!

Every family is different and, everyone reacts in different ways.  For the spouse's, like it has been said by the 2 ladies...communication plays a key role.  From her to you and if you have kids, from her to them.


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## bekkamgov (16 Dec 2010)

My son was 3 when my husband joined the CF and it was extremely hard on him. He started hitting kids in daycare and he went from being completely toilet trained to having accidents all the time.. well these problems slowly went away.. But then everytime his daddy comes home they start up again. This time when his daddy come home he doesn't want anything to do with him..He told me he hates his daddy because he keeps leaving him.. It breaks my heart that he feels this way.. I have tried to explain to him that daddy has to leave because he has to work but he will always come home every chance he gets.


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## Elorajen (24 Dec 2010)

My husband was gone from Dec to July of this year and it was hard on the 4 and 7 year old. We made good use of MSN video chat of course, and my husband took lots of pictures of the surrounding area to send back. We did this because my youngest thought he was just on base at work, and not on the other side of the planet so I had to show her that he was not in fact here. 

They did adjust though to him being gone, and every few weeks we worked on a parcel to send over to him, so that kept them focused on other things. We got into a routine, every friday was McDonalds and movie night. We'd stay up lateish and cuddle in bed watching a movie. 

If you are close to a base, check out the MFRC as they have programs for deployed families. Respite care was great when I could get them in. Your spouse needs to know and remember that they also need some alone time. If family is close, they have to remember that they are not superman/woman and if their family offers to babysit, then take them up on the offer! 

There is an adjustment period. They need a lot more love and attention and patience. It can be done though!


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## Brasidas (25 Dec 2010)

guysletsdoit said:
			
		

> Thank you for the input. A quick thought on how kids cope with this seperation?



As a kid, my folks kept me informed about what was going on and my dad made every attempt to get hold of me when he was deployed. Folks were calm, respectful, and warm about it, and me and my sister didn't flip out and get over-emotional.

Dad didn't get deployed until the youngest was 8.


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