# husband planning on joining CF



## Concerned  Wife (21 Feb 2011)

Hi, I have never posted on a forum before so not too sure how to go about doing this. I am just looking for some information/comments/input from anyone who is registered with the Forces already. The situation is this in a nut shell. My husband has recently decided to join the Forces (right after our first child was born) and I am having some concerns with his choice which I feel are very valid. I first off asked him why he was planning to do this and he answer was that he is tired of his current job (which I knew he has been unhappy for awhile), he wanted a job that was new and challenging and he wants our son to be proud of him (which how can you argue with that?). My concerns are for our future as a couple and family.  We have been inseparable since we started dating (which is for 9 years now) and how we have a 3 month old son, if he ends up joining he will be away from us for long period of time and once done his basic training, schooling and then posted somewhere, my son and I will not be moving due to financial reasons (I have a very good paying job here) and I have also told him many times over the years that this is where I want to live, I have lived in this area for almost my whole life. I also don't want to be moving our son all across Canada when all of his family is here and honestly that's not the type of life I want for him or myself.  My husband feels that being apart wont be that bad but we have never been apart for longer than 5 days and he seemed to have trouble with that and now we have our son that will rarely see his father which makes me very sad. But I also don't feel like I should have to pack up and leave everything behind because he decided to do this all of sudden, he never mentioned his interest until a couple months ago. I am also very worried about his safety as this is a career that in my eyes is quite dangerous. Could anyone let me know about how often I could expect to see my husband (as in how much time you have off)? Also are there any members of the CF that may have had any separation issues when joining? Or if anyone has any input or comments that would be great, I would greatly appreciated. And sorry if this post sounds like some sad journal entry, just looking for some feedback and don't know where else to turn.


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## PuckChaser (21 Feb 2011)

Your husband cannot spend his entire career on IR (apart from you). One day, you're both going to have to make the choice to either move together or him release.

The military lifestyle has challenges, but is also very rewarding. You're thinking about the negatives of moving, but how about some of the positives? Your son may get to see many parts of the country he normally would not get to see, and would learn to adapt quickly to new surroundings and make new friends. That being said, we don't move every 2 years. Depending on your trade, you can end up living in an area for 7 years on the long end. If your husband has separation anxiety, BMQ is not the place to test it. I think you both really need to sit down and discuss it.

Our jobs put us in dangerous situations but with tools, protective equipment, and training to keep us safe. I go by the philosophy that if its my time, its my time. I'd rather go serving my country or defending someone who can't do it for themselves than get hit by a bus crossing the street.


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## Ridgeline (21 Feb 2011)

Has he thought about the reserves? If there is one where you live that might be a good start.  That way he can get a feel for the forces as well as have an idea if he likes it or not.  You don't have to move either.  But if he really wants to do it, you two will have some talking to do.  I do suggest letting him try his hand at it, who knows, it might be a perfect answer


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## brihard (21 Feb 2011)

Well, there's no life like it.

I grew up as an army brat. My dad is a retired logistic officer. My mom was his third wife. I moved every two or three years. I lived in a couple different parts of the country, and three years in England. I got to wait at home as an increasingly older kid while he served in Cambodia, Bosnia, and Israel. I watched his relationship with my mom fall apart, probably with equal parts blame to either side. I got dragged from school to school, constantly having to make new friends. I swore up and down I'd never have anything to do with the forces, then ended up as a reservist myself.

I also got to meet people I never otherwise would have. I got some sense, if only through osmosis, that there was something more than just Canada out there, and that overall we had it pretty good. My horizons were forcibly expanded beyond any one single community where I might otherwise have lived my life.

Later on, I waited at home again while his most recent wife, my current stepmom, deployed to Afghanistan twice. Then I got to drop the bomb that I myself was going over. I went through the challenges of knowing that girlfriend and friends and family at home couldn't really 'get' the experiences I was having, and that while my life was in a weird sort of pause for my tour, that they all were carrying on with their lives as normal bar my absence.

And in my time in (seven years now, as a reservist) I've learned more about myself, my capabilites and my limitation than I otherwise ever could have. I've learned the difference between having a job I really enjoy and earning advancement through my efforts, and the drudgery of working for wages at a job where I just feel like I'm serving time.

The military is pretty good to families. I can't speak too much to his situation, because you've not told us what trade he wants to get into. But th eresources are there if you want to make use of them. There's allowance made for a spoudse to visit their significant other and their child(ren) when separated by economic circumstances such as you describe.

The danger is real, that can't be denied, but few jobs are actually combat related, and in those that are he'd be surrounded by some of the best men and women Canada has to offer. They'll look after him.

When he's working a normal job here in Canada, the norm will be he'll work normal working hours... 8 til 4 or something equivalent to that, weekends off. The paid leave is quite generous. Long Christmas breaks, normally a week in the spring, and a few weeks in the summer, duty depending.

But if he joins up, the military WILL take him places, and you'll need to decide if you and your son can follow. I recognize the position your job puts you in. Speaking from having been 'the son', I consider myself far better off for the experiences and perspectives that moving around and seeing different places and people gave me. It's a big world, and living in one small corner of it forever seems like a damned shame.

You and your husband have a lot of talking to do, and a lot of conflicting interests to reconcile. But you'll need to figure out if doing this is what he's going to need to do to be happy, and if it's something the two of you can work out. If it doesn't work out for him, he can always get out after he's served his first contract.


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## Concerned  Wife (21 Feb 2011)

thank you for your information from all of you, I know it must sound like I am being very negative but it's hard to see the positives at times. I just feel like if he doesn't pursue this he will be unhappy with his job and if I move I will be unhappy being away from our home and family. I am also worried that if I do end up eventually moving with him then he gets deployed, I will be there alone with my son and no one to help me out as our family will not be around. ( I will not just leave him with someone I don't know, he is still very young and I am very protective of him).

and if it helps he has applied to be an LCIS tech.


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## aesop081 (21 Feb 2011)

Concerned  Wife said:
			
		

> I am also worried that if I do end up eventually moving with him then he gets deployed, I will be there alone with my son and no one to help me out as our family will not be around. ( I will not just leave him with someone I don't know, he is still very young and I am very protective of him).



I have made many moves over the years, some of which when i had young children. It never took very long for my wife to build a support system she could trust for when i was away. Its not like you live in isolation. You will be surrounded by other military families just like you who have some of the same issues to deal with.


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## muffin (22 Feb 2011)

Concerned  Wife said:
			
		

> thank you for your information from all of you, I know it must sound like I am being very negative but it's hard to see the positives at times. I just feel like if he doesn't pursue this he will be unhappy with his job and if I move I will be unhappy being away from our home and family. I am also worried that if I do end up eventually moving with him then he gets deployed, I will be there alone with my son and no one to help me out as our family will not be around. ( I will not just leave him with someone I don't know, he is still very young and I am very protective of him).
> 
> and if it helps he has applied to be an LCIS tech.



I think those are valid fears that most families face. My hubby is an ACISS-CST (the trade formerly known as LCIS tech) and he has been deployed 3 times in the last 3 years and missed 2 of the last 4 Christmases - others I know have been gone less, and still others more. That being said, we have been posted to the same geographic location for his entire career (15 years +/-) This is rare I would think - and it's only been by chance, we've never asked to stay. Before his first time to Afghanistan there was 5 years between his last tour to Bosnia and his first tour to Afghanistan but he was still away from home over 40% of the time in the past 10 years. Like I said though, this varies from pers to pers.

You both definitly have to be on the same page for this lifestyle. He will be away on training for BMQ and then at CFSCE in Kingston, and then he could be posted just about anywhere. There are LCIS/ACISS-CST spots across the country. Deployments can be anywhere from 2 weeks to a year though the norm is usually 6-9 mos.

If you really don't think this is for you, you need to let him know now... not after he's done BMQ and well on his way. Not saying what's on your mind isn't supporting him - it's just delaying the inevitable.


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## sky777 (22 Feb 2011)

You know, when we decided to immigrate to Canada we had spent a lot of time to talk about in our family.
Of course working in Canadian Forces it is not immigration,but it is challenge for whole family.And all members of family must be agree when husband (wife) or father (mother) decided to join CF.  
Every job has advantages and disadvantages. Every family is different. In some families (like mine) wives are not career oriented and they follow husbands (I know, old fashion, very traditional).But for some women career is very important part of their  life. Therefore you must sit up and TALK about future.
I know for some women   to say "yes"  is real sacrifice. It is time to think  for both of you what kind of sacrifice you can do or you can not do.
I wish you to find solution and keep peace in your  family.Good luck for you!!!!


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## ringknocker82 (25 Feb 2011)

What I'm about to impart is in no way judgmental, but just my opinion. I can empathize with both you and your husband, but I think you both are being a tad selfish.  :sorry:  I don't think it's right for him to make such a monumental decision without your input. You did not marry a man in the military and therefore, did not sign up for that lifestyle. That being said, I cannot, as a fellow proud, independent woman, understand how you could possibly be so unsupportive of the man you have committed your life to and whom I assume you love with all your heart. I have only been with my husband 2 years and I would drop everything and move with him. Not to mention that you have a son together. Don't you want him to have his daddy around more than once or twice a month? I realize the same can be said to him, but you said yourself he is unhappy with his job. Don't you want him to do something that makes him happy and feel proud? Is his happiness not worth the sacrifice? I'm not sure what it is you do for a living, but wouldn't it be possible to find a similar position wherever he's posted?  I'm in a similar position; my husband is trying to get in and I'm trying to get back in. However, if he gets in and I don't, I'll gladly give up my job and the city I love for the man I love with all my heart. I hope this did not come off as too aggressive because I don't think you're a horrible person, but I do think you're a person about to make a horrible decision. I truly wish you and your family good luck and I hope everything works out for you!


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## LEAP (26 Feb 2011)

Hi there,

I feel for you. It is difficult to watch your spouse be in a job that he doesn't like and is unhappy. I've been there.

We, my husband and I, decided to apply to the Canadian Forces last year (still in the application process - interview and medical coming up in the next month). Even though it is my husband who handed in the application, I believe that this is very much a "we" situation. I am very much on board to his decision and in fact keep having to make sure that he is making this decision as much for himself as he is for the family. As much as I am behind him all the way, of course I have my hesitations. The amount of time that he will be away from us will be heartbreaking and there is always some amount of danger. However, even with a 3 year old and another baby on the way, I am fully prepared to follow him where ever he may go and I look forward to it. We like change and adventure and the chance to explore and experience new things and places. That's just us. I know that wherever we end up, there will be a lot of support and a lot of people in the same situation as us. The CF will be our new family.

The reason I'm responding to your post is that I believe that this is a huge decision and, at times will be very difficult so, if you are already extremely hesitant I don't know that this is the right decision for your family. As much as I'm behind my husband and very much for this, it makes me sad when I think about the days to come when we will have to say goodbye to him for long periods of time.

All I can suggest is to go and speak to a recruiting officer at your local recruiting centre and find out what is involved in being a spouse to military personnel and what you can expect. I believe most bases have a Military Family Resource Centre (each centre has it's own website) which offer loads of support to military families. 

I wish you guys all the best.


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## Sealife (26 Feb 2011)

I would like to shed some light on this too.
I have been out of the CF for 13 years. I was in for 8 years (88-95) the first time.
My wife and I have 2 young girls. We decided in 2007 for me to get back in. The lucky part was no BMQ again just walk right back in were I left off - I kept my skills concurrent on civie street. The Navy is crying for Electromechanical technicians.
The recession nearly devastated us. She has adapted extremely well. She had not left her family or city in 37 years, now she has moved to Nova Scotia. I was on IR or separated for 1.5 years while we sold our house. It has been  a bumpy go, but her parents enjoy coming out here. I am now re mustering from Navy to Air Force to end my career in Ontario closer to her family. I can still volunteer for deployments and help out around the world. Since she has been here for 13 months she actually enjoys the area. New friends are cool and there are allot of other families in her situation as well that have helped out.

IF you decide to follow him and let him have a happy career you will both succeed. Just have an open mind.

All the best,

Hard Sea Trade


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