# A Collection Of Army.ca Humour - including SKIPPY'S DAMN LIST AGAIN!!



## Mud Crawler (14 Dec 2000)

This is the transcription of a radio communication betwen a US Navy ship and canadian authorities near the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995:
The Americanslease correct your course of 15 degrees north to avoid collision.Over.
The Canadians:Rather YOU make a course correction of 15 degrees south to avoid collision.Over.
The Americans:I'm the captain of a naval vessel of the American Naval Forces.I repeatlease modify your course.Over.
The Canadians:No, please, YOU modify your course please.Over.
The Americans:It's the AircraftCarrier USS Lincoln, the second ship in importance of the United-States of Americas naval force.We're accompanied by 3 destroyers, 3 cruisers, and an important number of escort vessels.I ask you to modify your route of 15 degrees north or mesures will be taken to assure the security of our ship.Over.
The Canadians:Here, it's a lighthouse.Over.
**********************
This a translation to english of a text that was translated in french from english so it might no be the exact words but it looks alot like that.I bet that captain won't get a promotion for the next few years.


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## Fishbone Jones (17 Jun 2001)

:fifty: YeeHaw!! First One Here!  :mg: 
Let‘s start with a little tongue in cheek stuff   

MILITARY OPERATIONS IN A PEACEFUL ENVIRONMENT (MOPE) 
An overview of Canadian Forces involvement in SFOR. 

Pre-deployment training 

The aim of pre-deployment training should be to ensure that every soldier is completely sick of the mission before they get on the plane. 

You will want to prepare your soldiers so that the MOPE can commence immediately on deployment. This is best accomplished in the following manner: 

* Ensure to keep mentioning the upcoming mission a good year to 18 months before pre-depl-trg has started. Ideally, you should start the ball rolling for Roto 10 while still deployed on Roto 7. This will keep your unit in a MOPE posture. 

* On commencement of training, it is best to assume that your soldiers and NCOs are completely incompetent. In fact, if you desire a MOPE posture as soon as possible, treat them as if they have never received any mil trg whatsoever. This is best achieved by completely ignoring the trg your unit has conducted to date and starting with the most basic and mundane trg imaginable. Remember, what was accomplished in one week in prep for Cyprus can easily be done in three months for OP PAL. 

* Be sure to include trg that you don‘t even have a chance of utilizing on a MOPE and rush through the important parts like driving courses, with a min amount of practice, and; 

* Ensure that your unit conducts as much trg in theatre as possible. Try to employ the seven-to-one principle while conducting live fire trg (seven hours of driving for one hour of shooting). Â·  Â· 

The Mission 

To ensure all members of your unit remain focused on MOPE, consider the following: 

 * Treat beer as if it were heroin. Yes that popular libation that is legal and widely available in Canada should be all but outlawed on a MOPE. Just so that everyone understands their place in the order of things, have a twenty-year old Bosnian girl monitor the alcohol intake of all ranks (self-esteem is the antithesis of MOPE). 

*Ensure that if any actual military mission should rear its ugly head,have it dealt with by a mysterious group of Pte basic soldiers who wear uniforms similar to our own, but distinguish themselves by their casual interpretation of CF dress policies and by their issue wpns which are way cooler than ours (who the hell are those guys anyway?). Nothing will facilitate MOPE like elitism. 

*Have your soldiers work closely with those of other nations who drink and fornicate as if the world were coming to an end. Better yet, have groups from your unit move to their base and secure it for them. Twelve hours of manning the PCP (Prostitute Control Point) at the BLMF will keep a troop MOPE oriented for years. 

* Make sure that every small transgression is immediately reported to the highest authority possible. This will ensure that our soldiers who are living the lives of cloistered monks will be portrayed in their hometown newspaper as a mixture of outlaw bikers and Attila‘s Huns. The soldiers will be impressed when they see that although NDHQ will take six weeks to generate a promotion msg, they can deploy an inspection team faster than you can say "witch hunt", and; 

* Ensure that no matter how hard the troops try, they will never be able to make it through a full day without breaking at least one rule. Everything from smoking to showering should be controlled and regulated. In this way,troops will develop that "Spartan" mentality and will see every policy and regulation as a dare. 

This was by no means a definitive study of MOPE. The Canadian Army has proved itself to be a leader in this new and exciting field and we continue to break new ground in its development. In fact our progress in this area has earned us the unofficial title of "Least Fun Army in the World" having just recently unseated the long-time titleholder, the US Army). We are looking forward to many more MOPEs in the future. 



    :tank:


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## Infanteer (18 Jun 2001)

Found this little gem on another board....
***
What would happen if Canada was threatened militarily - My version.
Ottawa would hold an emergency session in Parliment, the Liberals would denouce the 
threat and ask all the other parties to offer their support in a show of soldiarity while trying to implement a temporary increase of the GST. The Reform would use this to try to get more aid to the farmers and the Bloc would stage a boycott of 
Parliment until they get total control of the St Lawrence. After 6 months of heated debate, name calling and desk slapping, they agree they must actually DO something.  The call would go out to the CF to deploy the regs and mobilize the reserves. OH NO! All the regs are understrength and scattered all over the world on UN, NATO, or more likely some Starving Nation, Greenpeace or other Save-the-whale / Rainforest / Ozone causes that don‘t let them even have their bolts in. OH NO! Suddenly most of the all-volunteer reserve dosen‘t show up because 1) it would interfere with my upcoming term paper/exam/school choir practice 2) can‘t find any of my kit or 3) 
nobody said anything about really having to do some killing. The remainder kit up, bomb up, cam up, get ready to kill because even though the rest of the country forgot- they always sucked it up and remembered that‘s what we‘re here for, but 
have to wait until Ottawa can arrange suitable airlift. This cannot be accomplished within 2 months because Air Canada is still pissed about their the CAI merger limitations. The troops are told they will have to use ground transport as the Chinooks weren‘t replaced and the Hercs are in the hangar because the pilots are told they must have 8hrs min rest before flying. Now they are forced to use 
their own vehicles (no mileage allowed either), because half the ML‘s are broke due to lack of parts, and the few drivers left in garrison don‘t have troop lift due to training course cutbacks. With the Trans-Canada looking like the Basra-Baghdad "highway of death", we head merrily off to confront the enemy. Of course by this time, the enemy is already well entrenched in the community and are now contributing to the local tax base and running for public office. They succesfully lobby the RCMP to arrest all the CF personnel with no FAC transporting unregistered restricted weapons. Now all the soldiers are left on their own like a gut-shot nun in a snow bank, and head back to their super-bases but most die in horrible traffic accidents after being cut-off by diet-pill crazed soccer moms in large SUV‘s.  Ottawa appoints a Royal Commision to find out if there is any way of not paying out 
death and survivors benifits. The CF asks for more funding for recruiting, but all units execpt NDHQ are disbanded due to embarrasing media coverage. 

TM
Down in "Shut-up-and-die" ranks


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## rcrman (20 Aug 2001)

Anyone care to share funny one-liners from Rusty, Krusty SGT‘s, WO‘s, CSM‘s, RSM‘s?? You know the saying that they must learn somewhere, the saying that made you bit your tongue on pde‘s for fear of laughing your ***  off at attention.

Example:

"Don‘t snow the snowman"
"Don‘t sit around here on the weekend drinking beer...waiting for the caps to sing" (ie Labatt Blue caps)
"If you drive don‘t drink, but if your drinking and not driving, then DRIVE ‘ER!!!!!"
that sort of stuff

Grubby


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## reg1 (4 Sep 2001)

iremember the rsm saying during drill practice  "stand still or i will drive my pace stik up your rear end and call you a recruit sicle. i did not want to put down the real words but rear end is the best i can do, you know what i mean.


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## Infanteer (4 Sep 2001)

"You are not the pole-smoking, nintendo-playing, long haired freaks you were two damn weeks ago, so why the hell are you still screwing this up."

or....

"Shut up.  We are here to preserve democracy, not practice it."

and there is my favorite....

"Holy s**t, you guys move like old people f**k, get going now!!!"


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## Infanteer (4 Sep 2001)

Haha...
Or how about "STAND STILL!!! If you have an itch on your face, you worry about it tomorrow!"


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## Master Blaster (4 Sep 2001)

when refering to anyone on the job in uniform;
  "a f**king waste of rations, skin and uniform"

the answer to the meaning of life = Sh*tpump!  ie:  everthing that lives pumps it...what doesn‘t live, doesn‘t pump it...ergo "sh*tpump!"

I‘m getting tired of waiting for you kindergarten children...if you don‘t hurry up and get over that wall, I‘ll start using this pitchfork (bring one on the Obs Course...Hell of a motivator (specially when they know that you‘re crazy enough to use it!))

Ripping off their heads and sh*tting down the hole is usually a way to obtain their clear and undivided attention but if that fails there‘s always the somewhat amusing method of pushing their left eardrum through their right eardrum with your parade square voice.

All of the above is merely heresay and is not condoned by myself nor have I ever seen it done to anyone that I know or ever pretended to know

Dileas
 

  :evil:


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## McG (5 Sep 2001)

I have a friend who, through his first three months of training in the CF, was refered to by the Crse WO as "my little civi in uniform."


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## armyguy (8 Sep 2001)

My favorite was from back in the 70s..the story goes like this: A CSM walks around a corner and catches two young soldiers tokin‘ up. His remark is..Trudeau legalized homosexuality, not marijuana!
The next joint I catch you suckin‘ on had better have a body on the end of it!


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## Jungle (8 Sep 2001)

How about this one: "i‘m not sure where we‘re goin‘, but one thing is certain: we‘re all goin‘!!!"   :blotto:


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## RCA (9 Sep 2001)

"Does your hair hurt?" It should be, I‘m standing on it!

"What do you do for an encore?  S*** on your hat badge"

"Contray to popular belief, baseball bats aren‘t meant for hitting baseballs (back in Old Days when a crse WO I knew used a baseball bat as a drill cane)


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## fusilier (10 Sep 2001)

How about this one
Excuses are like *******s, everybody has got one and it is usually full of ****.
I remember my MCpl saying I was like the retarded child he never had, that was fairly amusing.  My buddy whos a master jack threatens the troops by saying this "If you don‘t get up that hill, I‘ll drive my foot so far up your *** , you‘re breath will smell like Kiwi fora week."
"Holy ****, you look like a can of smashed *******s" is a popular one in Cape Breton, ,haha


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## Yard Ape (11 Sep 2001)

"What is the matter Pte Bloggins?  Did your mother never buy you that toy where you put the square peg in the square hole and the round peg in the round hole?"    . . . After Pte Bloggins spent 5 min trying to put the C9 gas tube on backwards!

  Yard Ape


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## Gordon Angus Mackinlay (1 Dec 2001)

Ladies and Gentlemen,
The following was posted by a chap on the Canadian Regiments list.  It deserves a large audience.

Yours,
Jock in Sydney

Subject: Beating Dead Horses


The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse,
the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in the modern Canadian Forces, a whole range of far more
advanced strategies are often employed such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead
horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse‘s
performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the
dead horse‘s performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more
to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.


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## John Nayduk (14 Feb 2002)

Try this site  http://www.giggleshack.com  there is a whole section with military humour.  Enjoy!


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## Sharpey (29 Apr 2002)

"Thank you for calling the Canadian Armed Forces"

Thank you for calling the Canadian Forces.
We are sorry, but all our units are out at the
moment. Please press ‘1‘ to leave a message, with your
country, name of organization, region, details of the
specific crisis, media relations plan, exit strategy,
and a number where we can reach you.

As soon as we have sorted out East Timor, the Balkans,
Iraq, marauding Chinese refugee boats, The Combat Bra,
The Millennium Bug, ice storms, floods, prime
Ministerial lip-slips, marching up and down the
streets of Toronto with snow shovels and compulsory
Diversity Training, we will return your call.

Please speak after the tone. For other services,
please listen to the following options:

If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press
‘2‘ for the Canadian Navy.

If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate
and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two
low-risk bombing runs, please press ‘3‘ for the
Canadian Air Force. Please note that this service is
not available after 1630 hours or on weekends.

If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be
resolved by a bit of rifle drill, a color party and a
really good marching band, please write, well in
advance, to The Commanding Officer, Governor General‘s
Foot Guards, Ottawa, Ontario.

If your enquiry is not urgent, please press ‘4‘ for
the 2nd Canadian Mechanized Brigade Group Quick
Reaction Force.

If you are in immediate and serious danger, press ‘5‘
and your call will be routed to The Royal Canadian
Army Cadets, Upper Rubber Boot, Saskatchewan.

If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to
be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis,
put your life partner and family in a condemned hut
miles from civilization, and are prepared to work
your butt off daily, risking your life in all weathers
and terrain, both day and night, whilst watching the
Treasury Board eroding your original terms and
conditions of service, then please stay on the line.
Your call will shortly be taken by a bitter
passed-over
Recruiting Sergeant in a strip mall somewhere in
Newfoundland.

Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for
trying to contact the Canadian Forces.


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## Coniar (30 Apr 2002)

I cant belive thats actually real!
I wonder who was on the US end of the Radio?
As for Sharpeys post that pretty much sums up the Canadien Military, or at least what most people think of it.

-------------------------------------------------

If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to
be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis,
put your life partner and family in a condemned hut
miles from civilization, and are prepared to work
your butt off daily, risking your life in all weathers
and terrain, both day and night, whilst watching the
Treasury Board eroding your original terms and
conditions of service, then please stay on the line.
Your call will shortly be taken by a bitter
passed-over
Recruiting Sergeant in a strip mall somewhere in
Newfoundland.
-------------------------------------------------------
Funny that really dosent lessen my desire to join the army. Mabey I should go see my doctor...

Coniar


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## Art Johnson (2 May 2002)

An old soldier friend of mine sent me this the other day.

An old soldier went to a bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat
down next to him.

She turned to the soldier and asked, "Are you a
real soldier?"

He replied, "Well, I‘ve spent my whole life in the
army, drilling recruits, jumping out of airplanes, 
and fighting battles, so I guess I am."
What do you do?

She said, "I‘m a lesbian.  I spend my whole day
thinking about women.   As soon as I get up in the
morning, I think about women, when I shower, watch TV,
eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of
women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side
of the old soldier and asked, "Are you a real soldier?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found
out I‘m a lesbian.


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## Erborn (5 Mar 2003)

Just some humour
Old but good   
The Plan - Canadian Military Version
In the beginning was The Plan.

And then came The Assumptions.

And The Plan was without substance.

And The Assumptions were without form.

And Darkness was upon the face of the Privates and Corporals.

And they spoke among themselves saying,
"It is a crock of ****, and it stinks!"

And the Privates and Corporals went unto their Master Corporals and said,
"It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odour thereof."

And the Master Corporals went unto their Sgts, saying, "It is a 
container of excrement, and it is very strong such that none may 
abide by it."

And the Sgts went unto their WO‘s, saying,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

And the WO‘s spoke among themselves saying to one another,
"It contains that which aids plant groth, and it is very strong!"

And the WO‘s went unto the MWO‘s saying unto them,
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful!"

And the MWO‘s went unto the Chief, saying unto him,
"This new Plan will actively promote the growth and
vigour of the company, with powerful effects."

And the Chief looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good,
and The Plan became Policy.

And that is how **** Happens.


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## Erborn (5 Mar 2003)

New Canadian Forces Voice Mail
  This message is to be put on the voice mail shortly, eliminating the need for 
real live people:

  Thank you for calling the Canadian Forces. I am sorry, but all our units are out 
at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please press ‘1‘ to leave a message, 
with your country, name of  organisation, region, details of the specific crisis, 
and a number where we can reach you. As soon as we have sorted out Indonesia, 
the Balkans, Iraq, marauding Chinese refugees, the combat bra, the Millenium 
bug, marching up and down the streets of Toronto with snow shovels and 
compulsory Diversity Training, we will return your call.

  Please speak after the tone. For other services, please listen to the following 
options:

  If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press ‘2‘ for the Canadian Navy.

  If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate and good hotels and can be 
solved by one or  two low risk bombing runs, please press ‘3‘ for the Canadian 
Air Force. Please note that this service is not available after 16:30 hours or on 
weekends.

  If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of rifle drill, 
a color party and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to 
the Commanding Officer, The Ceremonial Guard, Ottawa, Ontario.

  If your enquiry is not urgent, please press ‘4‘ for the 2 CMBG Quick Reaction 
Force.

  Only if you are in real, hot trouble, then press ‘5‘ and your call will be routed to 
the Royal Canadian Army Cadets.

  If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, 
have premature  arthritis, put your life partner and family in a condemned hut 
miles from civilsation, and are  prepared to work your butt off daily, risking your 
life in all weathers and terrain, both day and night, whilst watching the Treasury 
Board erode your original terms and conditions of service, them please stay on 
the line. Your call will shortly be taken by a bitter passed-over Recruiting 
sargeant in a strip mall somewhere in Newfoundland.

  Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the Canadian 
Forces.


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## RoyalHighlander (16 Mar 2003)

MILITARY WAYS
 During training exercises, the lieutenant, who was driving down a muddy
back road, encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel
at the wheel.

   "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

   "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."
----------------------------------------------
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous new colonel was sitting
at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. 

   Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone,
told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I‘ll be
seeing him this afternoon and I‘ll pass along your message.  In the meantime
 thank you    

for your good wishes, sir." 

   Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man,
he asked, "What do you want?"

   "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "just here to hook up your
telephone."
---------------------------------------
Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set
of  tracks.

   The first Marine said, "Those are deer tracks."

   The second Marine said, "No, those are elk tracks."

   The third Marine said, "You‘re both wrong, those are moose tracks."

   The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them.
----------------------------------------------
A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking
military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was
the last time he had had sex.  

   "1956," was his immediate reply.

   "No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed.  "Honey, you need to

get out more."

   "I‘m not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch.  "It
s only 2014 now."


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## Michael Dorosh (24 Mar 2003)

A guy in blue and a guy in green are standing at a row of urinals, doing their business.  The guy in green finishes first, zips up, and walks past the guy in blue.

The guy in blue shoots a disgusted look over his shoulder as the guy in green passes the sink without stopping.  "You know," he says icily, "in the Air Force they teach us how to wash our hands."

"Really," the guy in green replies as he opens the door, "In the Army, they teach us not to piss on our hands."


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## Fusaki (1 Apr 2003)

Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in **** . The next day the devil stops 
in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques 
warming themselves around the fire. 

The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn‘t it hot enough for you?" 

The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we‘re from Canada, the land of snow 
and ice and cold. We‘re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, 
eh." 

The devil decides that these two aren‘t miserable enough and turns up the 
heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are,still dressed in 
parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It‘s awfully hot 
down here, can‘t you guys feel it?" 

Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we‘re from 
Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We‘re just happy for a chance to 
warm up a little bit, eh." 

This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two 
guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing 
and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada 
and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling bacon and 
drinking beer. The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in absolute 
misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves." 

The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don‘t get too much warm weather 
up there in Toronto so we‘ve just got to have a cook-out when the weather‘s 
this nice." 

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he 
comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been 
cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn off all the heat in **** . 
The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging 
everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything 
but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the 
room with the two Canadians. He gets there and finds them back in their 
parkas, toques, and mittens. 

NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad 
men!!! The devil is dumbfounded, "I don‘t understand, when I turn up the 
heat you‘re happy. Now it‘s freezing cold and you‘re still happy. What is 
wrong with you two???" The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, 
"Well, don‘t you know? If ****  freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the 
Stanley Cup."


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## Bert (2 May 2003)

I don‘t have references for this article but it was forwarded to me.  It may be a true interview or not.


Interview 

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and 
you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning 
guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love 
this!!!! 

This is one of the best come back lines of all time. It is a portion of 
National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster andÂ  US 
Â MarineCorps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a BoyScout Troop 
visiting his military installation. 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach 
these young boys when they visit your base? 

GENERAL REINWALD:Â  We‘re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and 
shooting. 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That‘s a bit irresponsible, isn‘t it? 

GENERAL REINWALD: I don‘t see why, they‘ll be properly supervised on the 
rifle range. 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don‘t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous 
activity to be teaching children? 

GENERAL REINWALD: I don‘t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle 
discipline before they even touch a firearm. 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you‘re equipping them to become violent killers. 

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you‘re equipped to be a prostitute, but you‘re not 
one, are you? 

The radio went silent and the interview ended.


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## DnA (15 Jun 2003)

You are too "Hoo-ahh" if...... 
> 
>1. You go to a family BBQ and insist your family eats Tactically. 
>2. Your kids volunteer to pull air guard on the schoolbus. 
>3. Your doorbell sounds off the current challenge procedure and password 
drill. 
>4. You have sector sketches and range cards posted at every window in your 
house. 
>5. You give the command "Fix Bayonets" at Thanksgiving Dinner. 
>6. You make your daughter sign out on a pass before going on Prom night. 
>7. Your kids salute their grandparents. 
>8. Your older kids call the youngest one "Cherry" or F-N-G. 
>9. Your kids recite the alphabet phonetically. 
>10. Your wife left you and you held a "Change of Command" ceremony. 
>11. Your dogs name is Ranger. 
>12. All your possessions are military issue. 
>13. You have pull-up bars outside the kitchen door. 
>14. Your daughter‘s first haircut was a flattop. 
>15. Your kids do fire picket and sentry in the yard. 
>16. you decorate your christmas tree with chemlites and engineer tape. 
17. you make your children show their mealcards before entering the kitchen, except for your eldest son whom you make pay instead
18. your son asks the kindergarten "DS" if he can use the "head", "Latrine" or while on a field trip, where the "blue rockets" are located
19. when being dressed down by their hockey coach the kids respond in the affirmative by saying "SEEN STAFF" at a volume usually reserved for heavy metal concerts
20. and finally, you know you are far too hardcore if after getting yet another divorce you stencil the bust of your latest EX on the side of your Dodge Ram 1500, right next to the busts of your other 4 standard issue EX‘s....


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## binrat (1 Nov 2003)

Bumber sticker of the year

" IF YOU ARE READING THIS THANK A TEACHER...
  IF YOU ARE READING THIS IN ENGLISH ...THANK A VETERAN"


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## Spr.Earl (14 Dec 2003)

For those who are not Politicly correct!
AS NOTED ABOVE IF YOU ARE OFFENDED EASILY DO NOT 
GO TO THIS SITE!!
He‘s a bloody good laff!!!

You can listen while cruising the net.


      http://kevin.bloody.wilson.com.au/     

I like the one about the Vegiterian were she‘s say‘s to Kev; You Know how that Animal Died?
Yeh you starved it to death you cow!!
In so many word‘s !ROTFLOL!!

Hay he‘s a good laff go listen !!

You can get his C.d.s here in Canada or order on line.

I have a few!

He‘s F‘n majic!!!!


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## Spr.Earl (27 Dec 2003)

A good laff!!!

Naked man found stuck in Chimney Christmas morning
12/26/2003

MINNEAPOLIS (AP) -- A naked man got stuck in the chimney of a bookstore early Christmas morning.

ADVERTISEMENT

Don‘t worry, it wasn‘t Santa Claus.

The 34-year-old man was treated Thursday for bruises and abrasions at Hennepin County Medical Center after being found naked and lodged in the furnace flue at Uncle Hugo‘s Bookstore. He was expected to be charged with attempted burglary on Friday.

"He was lucky," said police Lt. Mike Sauro. "He was only stuck in that chimney for a few hours. It‘s kind of a happy ending, because if he had been in there until that store opened Friday morning, it‘s my judgment he would have died.

"He doesn‘t appear to be a hard-core criminal, just stupid."

Police suspect that the man was drunk when he climbed atop the one-story building and removed all his clothes to help squeeze into the chimney. He then started to slide down the 12-by-12-inch chimney shaft, Sauro said.

"He‘s not Santa Claus," Sauro said. "He‘s a really skinny guy. And he‘s lucky he didn‘t get cooked."

The man told police that he entered the chimney about 1 a.m. Thursday to retrieve keys he accidentally dropped down the shaft.

A passer-by called police around 9 a.m. Thursday, after hearing screams for help coming from inside the store. Firefighters broke into the chimney with sledgehammers and freed the man.

"The store is pretty well torn up," said owner Don Blyly, who came in Thursday to hang up signs for a sale to begin Friday. "This is not what I came in here for today, but that‘s what I have to deal with."


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## kaspacanada (27 Jan 2004)

This guys website has some really cool stuff on it.
  http://www.henry.martinez.net/  

  My favorite links inside it are the osama bin laden liquor store shooting game, (as immature as it might be)

  http://www.henry.martinez.net/games/binladenliquors/  

 and the ‘life as a guy‘ video clip.
  http://www.henry.martinez.net/videos/3rdplace.htm  

Oh, and this game was addictive for an hour while I procrastinated reading for class.

  http://home.tele2.fr/kcv/pinguin.swf  

Enjoy all


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## Yllw_Ninja (31 Jan 2004)

Well i remember back when the DND forum was still up they had a joke section...didn‘t see one here so...

heres my joke

One day this guy is driving his new BMW down the highway...he‘s feeling pretty good and not really paying attention to his speed.  He looks in his rear view mirror and theres a cop with his lights and siren on...he thinks to himself "i got a BMW, i‘ll just floor it and that cop will eat my dust"  so he floors it starts driving down the road a ways sees the cop slowly dissapear...then he thinks "wait...i‘m a responsible adult..i should pull over"  so he pulls over...cop pulls up behind him...walks up to his door and says "allright i‘ve had a rough week...so if you can give me an excuse i havent heard for that little stunt you pulled i‘ll let you off with a warning"
the guy sits and thinks...then says "well officer...last week my wife ran off with a cop...i figured you were trying to give her back"
cop smiles and says "have a nice day"


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## Yllw_Ninja (1 Feb 2004)

K heres another joke... little more mature but funny

One day this guy is really sick...just doesn‘t feel well at all...this goes on for a couple weeks and he decides to go to the doctors to get some help...

so he goes to the doctor...who does some tests and figures out whats wrong with him, and then perscribes him some Suppository pills, these are to be taken once ever 6 hours until the bottle is gone i‘ll shove the first pill up your butt and you take care of the rest... the guy thinks about it for a little bit and decides to go ahead with it...so the doctor shoves the pill up his butt and he feels good right away

6 hours later time to take another pill he‘s in the bathroom trying and trying but cant get the pill up his butt so he explains the situation to his wife and asks her to do it... "sure honey" she replies...she places one hand on his sholder and then shoves the pill up his butt..."OH MY GOD!!!!" screams the man..."What honey...did i hurt you?" replies the wife

"No" says the man "i just realized the doctor had BOTH hands on my sholders"


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## patt (1 Feb 2004)

i got kinda of a funny story but here it goes..

one night i was walkin around my street with a friend and we saw some people in the bushes so we went up towards the bushes and they were smokin dope. so my friend and i decided to have a closer look so i got down and crawled all the way up them (at this point they never noticed me) than my friend he was still at the entrance to the woods he stepped on a branch and that alarmed the people in the woods so they got up and started to move i was on the path and didnt know about it until the last second one guy stepped on me and stopped i thought i was caught so i got up and the guy that steped on me was like WTF like really loud and than i took off out of the woods, my friend was still trying to get in quietly i ran past him and told him to get outta there cuz there chaseing me.. after that we hit the street and noticed 2 figures running at us so we took off! a couple days l8ter they came up to me and told me i have to pay for 3+ grams of weed that THEY droped and i was like ‘ya right‘


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## Yllw_Ninja (1 Feb 2004)

Q: Whats the definition of Eternity???

A: 4 Blondes stopped at a 4 way stop


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## Yllw_Ninja (1 Feb 2004)

Ooooo another one i just thought of...

Guy 1:Hey did you hear scientists caught the Rare Blonde coyote

Guy 2: Really?

Guy 1: Yeah they found it in the leg trap with three legs chewed off


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## Foxhound (4 Feb 2004)

A highland regiment, somewhere in Scotland.  The lads are formed up for CSM's inspection.  As he's passing down the front rank, he spots that one of the lads' sporrans is standing away from his kilt at an odd angle.  He marches over to halt in front of the hapless squaddie and stares downwards.  He then looks up at the boy, who has a vacant, dreamlike stare going on.  The CSM removes his pace stick from under his arm and gives a short *whack* to the top of the soldier's sporran and menacingly growls in his ear:  â Å“Does tha' HURT, laddie?â ?

To which young Tommie replies in a now squeaky falsetto:  â Å“Aye, Sahr!â ?

â Å“Guid!  Then wake oop!â ? the CSM says.  He turns and continues, moves on to inspect the center rank.

And spots another sporran a-kilter.  (Pardon the pun.)

Same drill, (you can continue this through several squaddies if you like,) the CSM standing again in front of a trooper in an obvious state of excitement.  Removes earlier referred-to pace stick from under his arm, winds up and, *WHACK! *.

Now screaming,  â Å“DOES THA' HURT, LADDIE?!â ?

To which the now-startled and decidedly deflated lad replies:  â Å“Nae, Sahr!â ?

The CSM, puzzled and still screaming:  â Å“AND WHY NOT, LADDIE?!â ?

Answers the young private:  â Å“It's nae mine, Sahr!  It belongs to Cpl. MacDougall on th' ground behind me Sahr!â ?


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## nULL (4 Feb 2004)

Guy walks in to a bar. Ouch.

10 guys walk into a bar. you‘d think they‘d have learned from the first guy.

--------------------------------------------------

A man is ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs due to very serious health risks. As he wonders how in the heck he will ever do it, he runs across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thinks to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10-pound weight loss program. The next day there‘s a knock at his door, and when he answers there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!"

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20-pound program. The next day there‘s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." He‘s out the door and after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50-pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely", he replies, "I haven‘t felt this good in years."

The next day there‘s a knock at the door, and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I can catch you, you‘re mine."


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## Slumsofsackville (5 Feb 2004)

http://miljokes.com/a/nov01/181101.htm 

This is funny. So true too.


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## Pte. Bloggins (5 Feb 2004)

From the American perspective...   


The American Infantryman 


I am the Infantry, Queen of Battle! I sit tight, stoned out of my squach while my country‘s representatives meet the enemy face-to-face and will-to-will across the peace table. For two centuries I have been the weak link in our nation‘s defense, I am the Infantry! Follow Me?

Both easy victories and well-covered-up defeats I have known. Frankly, I owe a lot to friendly historians.

In the Revolution I spent most of my time slinking around out of uniform taking potshots at British troops from behind rocks. I invaded Canada, and even that was a failure. My best general went over the the British. For a while there I didn‘t know whether to **** or wind my watch, but the French navy pulled my chestnuts out of the fire.

I took on Britain again in 1812 thinking she‘d be too busy with Napoleon to notice. I invaded Canada again and got beaten again. On my way out, I cravenly put the torch to the House of Parliament and then screamed like a stuck pig when the British burned Washington. New Orleans, the only battle I won, was fought after my gallant negotiators in Paris had signed the peace treaty. Incidentally, I won it with my usual tactic of hiding behind some rocks and taking potshots at the British troops.

After that I vowed to pick fights only with unusually weak, stupid, or backward peoples. The Indians fit the bill nicely. Generally speaking, I bought them off, bullied them, or got them drunk, but occasionally I had to fight it out, with a numerical superiority of only ten to one and nothing but my self-loading rifle to stand against their fierce spears and arrows. What‘s more, cowards that they were, they often hid behing rocks and took potshots at me. But I persevered, and in fifty-five years victory was mine (except for the Seminoles).

Mexico also fit the bill. I did a lot better there than in Canada. By the way, if you‘re thinking of building a military tradition, I really recommend your Spanish speaking countries.

In the Civil War, I fought on both sides. Toward the end I changed sides. In the North I fielded two dozen of the worst generals in the history of modern warfare, and if the British had come to the aid of the South the way I did later in South Vietnam, there‘d be Customs officials on the Mason-Dixon Line right now. Once I had it won, I marched to the sea in a cowardly and wanton punitive expedition that held the record for atrocities committed against civilians for half a century, after which I won it again in the Phillipines.

I went back to massacring Indians for a while, just to keep my hand in and added the Little Big Horn to my list of showy defeats. If you know what you‘re doing, you can make routes like that and the Alamo and Pickett‘s Charge into "heroic stands" or "glorious doomed fights". Anyway, I wised up after that and just surrounded Indian villages and fired into their teepees with cannon from four miles away.

Then, I handily beat Spain‘s seventeenth century army in Cuba while my naval comrades sunk her twelfth-century fleet in Manila. Along the way I turned a major military blunder, the costly charge up the wrong side of San Juan Hill, into a famous victory. I picked up Panama at an auction and spent fifteen years pacifying the Philippines with the .45 caliber automatic, the Gatling gun, and the Krag buffalo rifle. I went into Mexico again after Pancho Villa, but they‘d picked up the knack of hiding behind rocks, so I said the **** with it.

I waited just as long as I decently could before getting into World War I, buy my valorous historians made my six months of fighting sound like the major event of the war. Australia, New Zealand, and Canada had ten times the troops fighting eight times as long, and you never heard of them, right?

I pulled the same trick in World War II, but the Japanese forced me into it about three years early when my commander in chief left the entire Pacific Fleet in Pearl Harbor with a "Bomb Me" sign on it. I actually had to do some fighting, but fortuantely I‘ve always had some pretty sharp scientists to back me up. Let me tell you, it helps to have the technological edge, whether it‘s Winchesters over arrows or grapeshot over musket fire. They came up with napalm, the Norden bombsight and the atom bomb, and got me off the hook.

In Korea I managed to blow a sure thing when my commanders forgot that rivers like the Yalu turn into roads at 32 degrees Fahrenheit - and that China wasn‘t a Spanish-speaking country.

Since then, I‘ve taken on Lebanon and the Dominican Republic, and Grenada, and backed out of the Suez and Cuba. In Vietnam, I used all my tricks picking on small, primitive countries, taking potshots from the air (my scientists built fort of a flying rock to hide in), shelling villages from four miles away, pretending that mistakes like Hamburger Hill were great victories, all of it. It didn‘t work. I lost, and everybody knows it. 

I AM THE INFANTRY, QUEEN OF BATTLE. FOLLOW ME!


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## The_Falcon (4 Mar 2004)

I am really bored today and i remebered this list I found it is hilarious, specially like The "Don‘t call the SAS, wankers!"  Enjoy   


The 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the U.S. Army
SGT Shawn Stanford

Once upon a time, there was a SPC Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored; but probably both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn‘t allowed to do. He collected those things into a hillarious list and posted them to the web. The site hadn‘t been updated in a couple of years and has since gone away; but the list is classic, so I saved it. A couple favorites: 2. My proper military title is ‘Specialist Schwarz‘ not ‘Princess Anastasia‘. and 191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

1)	Not allowed to watch Southpark when I‘m supposed to be working. 

2)	My proper military title is ‘Specialist Schwarz‘ not ‘Princess Anastasia‘. 

3)	Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic. 

4)	Not allowed to challenge anyone‘s disbelief of black magic by asking for hair. 

5)	Not allowed to get silicone breast implants. 

6)	Not allowed to play ‘Pulp Fiction‘ with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer. 

7)	Not allowed to add ‘In accordance with the prophesy‘ to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me. 

8)	Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don‘t like to War Criminal posters. 

9)	Not allowed to title any product ‘Get Over it‘. 

10)	Not allowed to purchase anyone‘s soul on Government time. 

11)	Not allowed to join the communist party. 

12)	Not allowed to join any militia. 

13)	Not allowed to form any militia. 

14)	Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo. 

15)	Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to ‘Sic Brass!‘ 

16)	Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my ‘Sampson like powers‘. 

17)	God may not contradict any of my orders. 

18)	May no longer perform my now (in)famous ‘Barbie Girl Dance‘ while on duty. 

19)	May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I‘m right. 

20)	Must not taunt the French any more. 

21)	Must attempt to not antagonize SAS. 

22)	Must never call an SAS a ‘Wanker‘. 

23)	Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they‘ve been smoking crack. 

24)	Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it‘s true. 

25)	Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one. 

26)	Never tell a German soldier that ‘We kicked your *** in World War 2!‘ 

27)	Don‘t tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne). 

28)	Don‘t take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times). 

29)	The Irish MPs are not after ‘Me frosted lucky charms‘. 

30)	Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.

31)	Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

32)	Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post. 

33)	Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody. 

34)	(Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody. 

35)	Not allowed to sing ‘High Speed Dirt‘ by Megadeth during airborne operations. (‘See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I‘m off to meet my maker‘) 

36)	Can‘t have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn‘t over). 

37)	Our medic is called ‘Sgt Larwasa‘, not ‘Dr. Feelgood‘. 

38)	Our supply Sgt is ‘Sgt Watkins‘ not ‘Sugar Daddy‘. 

39)	Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once. 

40)	I do not have super-powers. 

41)	‘Keep on Trucking‘ is *not* a psychological warfare message. 

42)	Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind‘s baser instincts in recruitment posters. 

43)	Camouflage body paint is not a uniform. 

44)	I am not the atheist chaplain. 

45)	I am not allowed to ‘Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddies little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies‘.

46)	I am not authorized to fire officers.

47)	I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states. 

48)	I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision. 

49)	Not allowed to trade military equipment for ‘magic beans‘. 

50)	Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours. 

51)	Not allowed to quote ‘Dr Seuss‘ on military operations. 

52)	Not allowed to yell ‘Take that Cobra‘ at the rifle range. 

53)	Not allowed to quote ‘Full Metal Jacket ‘ at the rifle range. 

54)	‘Napalm sticks to kids‘ is *not* a motivational phrase.

55)	An order to ‘Put Kiwi on my boots‘ does *not* involve fruit. 

56)	An order to ‘Make my Boots black and shiny‘ does not involve electrical tape. 

57)	The proper response to a lawful order is not ‘Why?‘

58)	The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we‘ve all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid. 

59)	May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command. 

60)	'The Giant Space Ants‘ are not at the top of my chain of command. 

61)	If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean 'I have been promoted three more times than you‘. 

62)	It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz. 

63)	Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority. 

64)	Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay. 

65)	There are no evil clowns living under my bed. 

66)	There is no 'Anti-Mime‘ campaign in Bosnia. 

67)	I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot. 

68)	I may not line my helmet with tin foil to 'Block out the space mind control lasers‘. 

69)	May not pretend to be a facist stormtrooper, while on duty. 

70)	I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication. 

71)	I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command. 

72)	May not wear gimp mask while on duty. 

73)	No military functions are to be performed 'Skyclad‘. 

74)	Woad is not camouflage makeup. 

75)	May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command. 

76)	"Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence. 

77)	The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don‘t need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for." 

78)	I may not call block my chain of command. 

79)	I am neither the king nor queen of cheese. 

80)	Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions. 

81)	May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance. 

82)	May not form any press gangs. 

83)	Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...." 

84)	Must not use military vehicles to 'Squish‘ things. 

85)	Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident. 

86)	May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the 'field of honor‘. 

87)	If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it. 

88)	Must not refer to 1st Sgt as 'Mom‘. 

89)	Must not refer to the Commander as 'Dad‘. 

90)	Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection. 

91)	I am not authorized to initiate Jihad. 

92)	When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony 'Romper Bomper Stomper Boo‘ is probably not appropriate. 

93)	Nerve gas is not funny. 

94)	Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that. 

95)	I am not in need of a more suitable host body. 

96)	'Redneck Zombies‘ is not a military training aid. 

97)	Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator. 

98)	The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not 'Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.‘ 

99)	A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield. 

100)	Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are. 

101)	I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon. 

102)	Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war". 

103)	My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did. 

104)	Vodka, green food coloring, and a 'Cool Mint' ListerineÃ‚® bottle is not a good combination. 

105)	I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve. 

106)	I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD's. 

107)	Must not mock command decisions in front of the press. 

108)	Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI. 

109)	I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe. 

110)	Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything. 

111)	I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles. 

112)	When saluting a 'leg' officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir". 

113)	There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from 'Full Monty' every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff". 

114)	I cannot trade my CO to the Russians. 

115)	I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me. 

116)	Crucifying mice - bad idea. 

117)	Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography. 

118)	Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them. 

119)	I cannot arrest children for being rude. 

120)	An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke. 

121)	I should not use government resources to 'waterproof' dirty magazines. 

122)	Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks. 

123)	I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases. 

124)	Two drink limit does not mean first and last. 

125)	Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks. 

126)	Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like. 

127)	'No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages' does not imply that a Jack Daniel's Ã‚® IV is acceptable. 

128)	"Shpadoinkle" is not a real word. 

129)	The Microsoft Ã‚® 'Dancing Paperclip' is not authorized to countermand any orders. 

130)	'I'm drunk' is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander. 

131)	No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113. 

132)	The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas. 

133)	The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio. 

134)	The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie. 

135)	An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot. 

136)	Shouting 'Let's do the village! Let's do the whole ******* village!' while out on a mission is bad. 

137)	Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk. 

138)	Even if my commander did it. 

139)	Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs. 

140)	I am not authorized to sell mineral rights. 

141)	Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove 'The Pen is Mightier than the sword'. 

142)	‘Calvin-Ball‘ is not authorized PT. 

143)	I do not need to keep a ‘range card‘ by my window. 

144)	‘K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free‘ is not an authorized uniform. 

145)	I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test. 

146)	Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same. 

147)	I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke Ã‚®. 

148)	Putting red ‘Mike and Ike‘s‘ Ã‚® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny. 

149)	Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out. 

150)	On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle. 

151)	The proper way to report to my Commander is ‘Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir‘ not ‘You can‘t prove a thing!‘ 

152)	The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light Ã‚® batteries. 

153)	I should not assign new privates to ‘guard the flight line‘. 

154)	Shouldn‘t treat ‘piss-bottles‘ with extra-strength icy hot. 

155)	Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice. 

156)	I will no longer perform ‘lap-dances‘ while in uniform. 

157)	If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts. 

158)	The revolution is not now. 

159)	When detained by MP‘s, I do not have a right to a strip search. 

160)	No part of the military uniform is edible. 

161)	Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea. 

162)	Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command. 

163)	Take that hat off. 

164)	There is no such thing as a were-virgin. 

165)	I do not get ‘that time of month‘. 

166)	No, the pants are not optional. 

167)	Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks. 

168)	Especially not a pornographic movie studio. 

169)	Not even if they *are* ‘especially patriotic films‘ 

170)	Not allowed to ‘defect‘ to OPFOR during training missions. 

171)	On training missions, try not to shoot down the General‘s helicopter. 

172)	‘A full magazine and some privacy‘ is not the way to help a potential suicide. 

173)	I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance. 

174)	Furby Ã‚® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it‘s actually DOD policy). 

175)	We do not ‘charge into battle, naked, like the Celts‘. 

176)	Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office. 

177)	I am not to refer to a formation as ‘the boxy rectangle thingie‘. 

178)	I am not ‘A lesbian trapped in a man‘s body‘. 

179)	On Army documents, my race is not ‘Other‘. 

180)	Nor is it ‘Secretariat, in the third‘. 

181)	PokémonÃ‚® trainer is not an MOS. 

182)	There is no FM for ‘wall-to-wall counseling‘. 

183)	My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. Ã‚® 

184)	When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something ‘I saw in a cartoon‘. 

185)	My name is not a killing word. 

186)	I am not the Emperor of anything. 

187)	Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes. 

188)	May not challenge officers to ‘Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn‘. 

189)	Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it. 

190)	Must not make s‘mores while on guard duty. 

191)	Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot. 

192)	The proper response to a briefing is not ‘That‘s what you think‘. 

193)	The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command. 

194)	Shouldn‘t take incriminating photos of my chain of command. 

195)	Shouldn‘t use Photoshop Ã‚® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command. 

196)	I am not allowed to give tattoos. 

197)	I am not allowed to sing ‘Henry the VIII I am‘ until verse 68 ever again. 

198)	Not allowed to lead a ‘Coup‘ during training missions. 

199)	I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born. 

200)	My chain of command is not interested in why I ‘just happen‘ to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car. 

201)	Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad. 

202)	Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined. 

203)	‘To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.

204)	NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration." 

205)	Don‘t write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")

206)	Not allowed to get shot.

207)	The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)

208)	Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civlians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.

209)	An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.)

210)	Must not make T-shirts up depciting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.

211)	Don‘t ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.

212)	Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don‘t have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.

213)    Do not convince NCO‘s that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.


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## Slim (14 Mar 2004)

Some humerous U.S. Army "buzzwords" that I found on another forum.   

Primary hammer, The Hammer: A cool operational term to impress a superior
when describing the finishing force, or the main effort. 

Back-Stop: A term used to cover a staff failure to properly wargame a
course of action. A term used by infantry showing how "Hope" is a method
incorporated to defeat the enemy. " If the enemy gets through the
engagement area, we have Delta Company placed here - to back stop the
Battalion defense." 

Paint the Picture: A term used to gather information and assess the
situation. Usually asked by senior leaders to junior leaders. Usually
invoked after the senior leader has gotten 8 hours of sleep and knows
absolutely nothing of the tactical situation, while the battle captain has
been up all night. 

Critical Terrain: Terrain that if not secured, grabbed, taken or camped
out on - you are screwed. A new category to describe terrain in FM 34-130
(Critical - Decisive - Key). 

Hey, Diddle, Diddle: Group of words used to describe a possible COA that
allows for no analytical thought and ensures a minimum 75% casualty rate.
Known also, to the USMC, as High, Diddle, Diddle. 

Flex : A really cool sounding non-doctrinal term used to maneuver a unit
from one location to another. Used primarily when you don‘t have a clue
where you are or how to get to the new location. 

Technique: A noun, used in the phrase, "That‘s a technique." Translated,
"That‘s a really messed up way to execute this operation and you will
probably kill your entire unit. But if you want to do it that way, go
ahead." 

Hang out: To establish a position characterized by a total lack of
security, soldiers asleep in hammocks and a huge BBQ pit turning out chow.
A task usually accomplished by Air Defenders. 

Bells and whistles: An inordinate amount of PowerPoint graphics/animation,
not required to get necessary information communicated to another
individual or group of individuals. Commonly associated with Canine and
Equestrian Theater. 

Blah, Blah, Blah: Short for, "You know what I‘m going to say anyway, so
I‘m not going to waste our time to actually say it." Also Yada Yada Yada,
or Homina Homina, or humma humma humma. 

Let‘s Rock Baby: Radio Communications pro-word for, "Guidons, this is 2
Panther 6, FRAGO follows, acknowledge, over." 

Drive By: Engaging the enemy while bypassing. Meets both the destruction
and bypass criteria given in the OPORD. 

Zipping Around: An aviation movement technique in which the helicopters
appear to fly around aimlessly at a high rate of speed impressing the
Ground Combat Troops with their speed and dash. 

Goocy (Gucci) Move: Altering Commander‘s Intent, commander‘s guidance, or
violating the fundamentals of reconnaissance or security operations. 

Befuddled: Confused, characterized by a state of genuine, profound
disorientation; perpetual state of all Chemical units. 

Kabookie Dance: Deceptive movement technique and/or creative verbiage used
in explanations designed to baffle enemy forces as to the main axis of
advance as well as perplex higher chains of command on what the true
purpose of your mission really is. Common most among the Field Artillery. 

Flail-Ex: Also known as the planning process. 

SELFCON - This is when a junior commander (usually a captain) comes to the
realization that his higher is completely clueless (perhaps even
befuddled) so he simply attaches himself and his command to another unit. 

Cheetah Flips: The Course of Action Development phase of the Military
Decision Making Process (MDMP) in an imagined crisis environment (often
replicated by headquarters during daily operations). 

Squirrel Ex: The Wargaming phase of the MDMP after all Cheetah Flips are
completed, briefed and refined. The Squirrel Ex phase normally culminates
with a 102 color slide briefing clearly outlining what can be said in a
well written paragraph (formerly known as the Commander‘s intent and / or
concept of the operation) this phase is often called a Cheese Ex. This is
the Force XXI cause of the "Fog of War". 

Take-Down: An aggressive former wrestling term used to describe your
actions on the objective and inherent lack of regard for the enemy‘s
capabilities. 

Mop-up: A term for the actions occurring just after you discover you are
actually on the objective, in the enemy‘s fire-sack. 

Phase: Infantry term for we don‘t know how to write paragraph three. 

Hit: Term for applying massed effects against the enemy. As in " First
we‘ll hit these guys over here then we‘ll hit these guys, and then the
guys over here will be hit with asymmetrical dominance from assets from
EAC." 

Triple-Hull Down: A term associated with force-protection, fratricide and
self-preservation. In order to prevent being fired on by friends when
saying something stupid, hiding from the boss who has a tasker that only
you can fill, or to cover yourself from being smoked by anyone.


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## Sh0rtbUs (7 Apr 2004)

I got a kick out of this


The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces
(Snake Model) 

1. The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations or A Diversified Approach to Military Operations:

Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can‘t find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicures.

Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel voucher upon return.

Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5-series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don‘t understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALs kill Muslim extremist snakes.


Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake‘s life.

Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.

F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses target due to weather.

AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don‘t show well on infra-red.

UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake starts bonfire to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into the fire.

B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can‘t receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtey

CH-47 Pilot: Slingleg breaks in flight while slingloading anti-snake equiptment, pilot cuts slingload. Slingload lands on snake and kills it. Crew cheif uses dead snake to replace broken slingleg.

Navy Pilot: Draped snake around neck at Tail Hook to pick up chicks. 

Military Police: Gave snake a sobriety test for not moving in a straight line.

Signal: Broadcasts 200,000+ watt transmissions in support of anti-snake missions, accidentally electrocuted snake in the process.

Corps of Engineers: Surveyed and researched area for plans on improving flood plain, cant do it because snake is on the endangered species list.

Cooks: Snake sneaks in chow hall. Snake dies of food poisoning.


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## D-n-A (7 Apr 2004)

1.) It is ok for a Man to cry under the following circumstances: 

- When a heroic dog dies to save its master. 

- The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. 

- After wrecking your boss‘ car. 

- One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". 

- When she is using her teeth. 

2.) Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his friends. 

3.) Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 

4.) If you‘ve known a Man for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her. 

5.) Moaning about the brand of free beer in a friend‘s fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 

6.) No Man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another Man. In fact, even remembering your friend‘s birthday is strictly optional. 

7.) On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 

8.) When stumbling upon other men watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who‘s playing. 

9.) It is permissible to drink a fruity alcopop drink only when you‘re sunning on a tropical beach... and it‘s delivered by a topless supermodel...and it‘s free. 

10.) Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another Man in the nuts. 

11.) Unless you‘re in prison, never fight naked. 

12.) Friends don‘t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 

13.) If a Man‘s fly is down, that‘s his problem, you didn‘t see anything. 

14.) Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. 

15.) A Man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 

16.) Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that‘s just mean. 

17.) If you compliment a Man on his six-pack, you‘d better be talking about his choice of beer. 

18.) Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she‘s withholding sex pending your response. 

19.) Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another Man while lifting weights: 

- Yeah, Baby, Push it! 

- C‘mon, give me one more! Harder! 

- Another set and we can hit the showers! 

20.) Never talk to a Man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 

21.) Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 

22.) The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you‘re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was. 

23.) There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Mens Gymnastics. Ever. 

24.) When you are queried by a buddy‘s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence. 

25.) You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call ‘BULL****‘. 

(Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent) 

26.) The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who‘s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale. 

27.) Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party. 

28.) Before dating a buddy‘s "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it. 

29.) The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. 

30.) A Man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend‘s cat. 

31.) When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you‘ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood. 

32.) If a buddy is out-numbered, out-Manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. 

(Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ***-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.) 

33.) If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay. 

34.) Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 

35.) Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "**** OFF!" You are absolved of your of responsibility.


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## girlfiredup (15 Apr 2004)

Finally, a chicken that will do what you tell it to do.

Have fun with this kids.    

 http://www.subservientchicken.com/


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## Rick_Donald (30 Apr 2004)

A Quebecor and an Ontarioan are walking along the beach one fine sunny day in August when Pierre stubs his toe on something.
"sacre bleu" he cries.
"What is it?" asks Terrance.
Pierre bends over and pulls out a sand encrusted relic. " I do not know" he replies.
He brushes it off to reveal a beautiful golden lamp. As he is buffing up the finish on it it starts to shake and grumble in his hand. He drops it back to the sand and with a loud crack a cloud of multicoloured smoke billows from the lamp. The smoke clears and standing before them is a funny  Arabic looking man in a turban and Kaftan.
"Who the heck are you?" asks Terrance.
"I am the genie of the lamp. And I am here to grant you each a wish.
Pierre steps forward elbowing Terrance out of the way.
"Well, Mr. Genie I know what I want."
"Your wish is my command."
" I wish for a wall to be placed around Quebec twenty feet tall and hat nothing can get in or out."
Poof.Pierre disappears."It is done." states the genie."And you wish,sir"
"Well," Terrance starts,"You know Pierre‘s wish  for a twenty foot wall around Quebec that nothing can get in or out of?"
"Yes."
"Fill it with water."


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## D-n-A (2 May 2004)

haha

   http://www.bullguard.com/badnews/


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## Spr.Earl (6 May 2004)

Subject: Politics


   While vacationing on a ranch one August day, Jean Chrétien gets   thrown from his horse, lands on a rattlesnake, gets bit and dies because the emergency room at the nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.  His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

      "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Liberal around these parts, so we‘re not sure what to do with you."
      "No problem, just let me in; I‘m a believer." says Chrétien. 
       "I‘d like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself.  He says you have to spend one day in **** and one day in Heaven, then you must choose where you‘ll live for eternity."
      "But, I‘ve already made up my mind, I want to be in Heaven," replied Chrétien.
      "I‘m sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down,, down, all the way to ****.  The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees.  In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it his dad and thousands of other Liberals who had helped him out over the years Pierre Trudeau, Jean Marchand, Pelletier, St Laurent etc . . .
The whole of the "Left" was there . . everyone laughing . . happy and casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and peasants."  They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. 
     The Devil himself comes up to Chrétien with a frosty drink.
"Have a   Margarita and relax, Jean!" 
     "Uh, I can‘t drink no more, I took a pledge," says Chrétien, dejectedly.  
     "This is ****, son you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it  just gets better from there!"
Chrétien takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks  is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes like himself, and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like they pulled on the GST and Free Trade  promises. They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it‘s time to go.  Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Chrétien steps on the elevator and heads upward.

     When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it‘s time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening  the gate.  So, for 24 hours Chrétien is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other‘s company, talk about  things other than money, and treat each other decently.  Not a nasty prank or fratboy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food  tastes great, it‘s not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn‘t see anybody he knows, and he isn‘t even treated like someone special!

"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself.  "Pierre Trudeau never prepared me for this."  The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, you‘ve spent a day in ****  and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."

 With the ‘Jeopardy‘ theme playing softly in the background, Chrétien reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, I would never have thought I‘d say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think  I belong in **** with my friends."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, all the way to ****. The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste (kind of like SUDBURY).  He is horrified to see all of his
friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.  They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime. The Devil comes over to Chrétien and puts an arm around his shoulder.
     "I don‘t understand," stammers a shocked Chrétien, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar and drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time. Now there‘s just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"


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## Michael Dorosh (7 Jul 2004)

I do up a "Disaster Fan Out" every month for my civilian job.  It's just a phone list like you have in the Militia.

Because it is called a "Disaster Fan Out", when I email it out to department secretaries and managers, I have come to put a little blurb in at the bottom.  My bosses are now at the point of looking forward to them each month.  A little humour goes a long way.  MOSTLY.

For example, I might say "In the event of a true disaster, this phone list may be printed out on sheets of beef jerky."

Ha ha.   :

So the last one I sent out had a diagram of a paper angel attached to the email.  I said something like "in the event of an actual disaster, the attached mailing list can be used to decorate the Christmas tree in an emergency shelter.  Cut the phone list in th shape of the attached angel diagram, cut out a second phone list in the shape of your hands, cover in glitter, and glue the hands ("wings") to the back of the angel."

It was all good until one of the departmental secretaries didn't get the joke and complained behiind my back to my boss, who basically told her to get a life.

I confronted her afterwards and said "what was the big deal".  She was pissed about having to read through the whole thing (all two paragraphs the poor dear) and actually seemed to think I was seriously advocating her taking time to cut the angel out!  ;D

As always, humour is best practices in a trusting safe environment....

I say, good for Skippy - and I could read that list 100 times and not get tired of it.


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## logau (17 Jul 2004)

Its time for a jokes area! Here's my favorite

The para trooper's parachute fails and he's hurtling to earth. About which time he see's a big explosion on the ground   - then a camp stove and then a blackened soldier come up and fly past him 

The paratrooper says - hey - you know how this reserve chute works?

The blackened soldier says - HEY! you know how to light a coleman stove? 

HAW HAW - HAW HAW

Preston Manning   ;D


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## Da_man (17 Jul 2004)

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." 

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." 

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" 

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. 

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." 

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"


-----------------------------------------------------



An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. 

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" 

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! 

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" 

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!" 


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily. 

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." 

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late. 

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." 

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily. 

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..." 

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down." 

"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them." 


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" 

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. 

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane. 

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"


----------------------------------------------------------------------------


_The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred in Los Angeles._

The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broken into a store.

At the scene, the cop told the Marines to "cover" him as he approched the store (to police, "cover" means to point your weapons in the direction of the threat, to Marines it means lay down a base of fire!).

The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting.

The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting at me!".



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?" 

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler." 

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield." 

The general said, "Drive on!" 

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker." 

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!" 

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?" 



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters.

In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes.

Sometime later, the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow.

His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon.

He told his Syrian guest, "Take anything you want - our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles."

"No, no - you don't understand!" the Syrian replied. "Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-*jet* missiles!"


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy.

He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School. 

The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch." 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


This is Army policy all begins... 

Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water.

Continue until, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it. 

Now, turn off the cold water. 

Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. 

Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?

"Because that's the way it's always been around here."

That's how Army policy begins...


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young Air Force 2nd Lieutenant had just arrived at Misawa AFB in Japan.

He'd been given a beautiful renovated office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw an enlisted man come into his outer office.

Wishing to appear the hot shot, the officer picked up the phone and started to pretend he was exchanging chit chat with the Base Commander.

He threw Colonel's and General's names around and talked about letting them stay in his Daddy's condo in Hawaii, and then set up a golfing date between him, the Base Commander, and the CO's of the Naval Security Group and Naval Air Facility.

Finally he hung up and asked the Sergeant, "Can I help you sergeant?"

The TSGT said, "Yes sir, I'm here to activate your phone lines."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first Marine said "those are deer tracks."

The second Marine said "No, those are elk tracks."

The third Marine said "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."

The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When little Reggie was inducted into the Army, he was advised to act tough.

"That's the only way to command respect in the Army," his friends said.

So Reggie did his best to carry out the advice. He swaggered all around camp, bragging, blustering and talking out of the corner of his mouth.

"Show me a sergeant and I'll show you a dope," Reggie shouted.

No sooner had he spoken than a brawny, battle-hardened figure appeared.

"I am a sergeant!" he bellowed.

"I am a dope," whispered Reggie.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A ranger outfit was having training in mountain climbing. One of the men slipped and began falling into a precipice.

"Are you hurt?" asked another.

"I don't know yet," a weak voice was heard, "am still falling!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers.

"I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle," he explained. "Now begin!"

After a few minutes, one of the men stopped.

"Why did you stop. Smith?" demanded the officer.

"If you please, sir," said Smith, "I'm freewheeling for a while."


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?"

"Just snow," replied the stewardess. 

"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


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## shaboing (17 Jul 2004)

http://www.jibjab.com/

i think a lot of people will get a good laugh outta this


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## Scott (17 Jul 2004)

True Story:

During the 60's in Germany a young Airman was on guard duty around the Starfighter with a nuclear bomb slung underneath. The Base Commander approached the young fellow and asked in a booming voice, 
"Son, what would you do if I were to cross that line?"

The Airman replied, "Phone my Sergeant, sir!"

The General, frustrated, hollered, "Why in the name of God would you call your Sergeant?" Because the Airman was supposed to shoot him according to regulations.

The Airman smiled and said, "I'd call my Sergeant to come pick up your f*%@ing carcass, sir!"

This story was related to me by the late Carl "Duke" Sneider, RCAFP, served with my father.

Cheers!


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## combat_medic (20 Jul 2004)

Two infantryman walk past a bar...      

it could happen.


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## logau (23 Jul 2004)

A bad apple staggers in from the mess one night to see his irate wife waiting up for him. She gives him the 3rd degree and asks him what he would feel like if she just disappeared for a few days. "Well dear" he said, "If you have to you have to". Anyway he didn`t see her for a couple of days and then on the third day the swelling went down in his two black eyes and there she was!


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## ags281 (24 Jul 2004)

Knowing how pilot humour goes, hopefully a few of these will be new to people here.


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock , 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"
(note: clearly this one is either before modern times or is just BS)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany.   Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. 
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."

(edited to reflect move from different area in forums)


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## Inch (24 Jul 2004)

Here's a few more for ya.

Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky. 

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe. 

Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee. 

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash. 

Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club. 

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies. 

Never trade luck for skill. 

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S#!+!" 

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers. 

Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant. 

Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight. 

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication. 

I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous. 

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there! 

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries. 

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it. 

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten. 

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day. 

Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible. 

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot) 

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut) 

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot) 

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator) 

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing. (sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan). 

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot) 

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you. 

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970). 

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there) 

"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320). 

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to. 

Basic Flying Rules 

1. Try to stay in the middle of the air. 
2. Do not go near the edges of it. 
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there. 

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.


In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California, 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed." 

"90 knots" Center replied. 

"Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same." 

"120 knots," Center answered. 

"We weren't the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, 'Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout.' 

"There was a slight pause, then the response, 525 knots on the ground, Dusty". 

"Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison." "Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?" 

There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots" 

"No further inquiries were heard on that frequency" 

========================================

In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft). 
The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?" 

"The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it." 

He was cleared...


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## Garry (25 Jul 2004)

My personal Favourite: "American 643 Heavy, you have to key the mike, I can't see you nod your head".

Another: Air Canada 422 is cleared for the ILS Rwy 32. Number three on approach following Airbus your 12 o'clock for 2...lets make that 3 miles. (The absloute minimum separation allowed is 3 nautical miles on radar 

I once talked a Herc right seater into waving to the kids doing an ATC tour....from 30 miles away. 

From a new Controller in Greenwood, NS (who rarely sees fighters) "cleared the low approach not above 200 feet, not below 500 knots" (yes, he reversed the restriction !). Answer from pilot: "...uhhh, yessir!" ...and he delivered!

From one of my controllers during a heavy Maple Flag IFR recovery: Pilot: "...requesting the ILS approach 31R". Controller: "in case you didn't notice I'm not taking requests" 

German F-4 75 miles out of Goose, my control: "Mayday Mayday Mayday, .....birdstrike". (Note: I HATE emergency's that happen so far out, the 15 minutes it takes to land gives the nosy folk too much time to phone me with stupid questions) .......Controller: "from Ops, they want to know where you hit the bird" 
Pilot: tell them "in the tree" (!!!!)

From the ATC briefer, Maple Flag, to the pilots, during a Flag de-brief: "sorry guys, my fault for not briefing this before, but we do not roll inverted in the pattern here in Canada".

Cheers-Garry


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## Spr.Earl (27 Jul 2004)

Frank in Vancouver said:
			
		

> can we cange this thread for GOOD jokes???     :dontpanic:


Well Frank you can go to small stores and ask for 100m of shore line or we have lost our bubble for the level and can I get a new one. 

Or ask Ex Dragoon for a bucket of steam.


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## Guardian (27 Jul 2004)

Since we're on the really cheesy jokes...

__________________________________________________________________

A young second lieutenant arrives for his first posting, which as luck would have it, is NDHQ.

Feeling a little intimidated by the sheer number of maple leaves and stripes walking around, he resolves to act confident and self-assured. And so, as he walks out of an elevator, he notices a rather confused brigadier-general standing in front of a paper shredder with a sheet of paper stamped SECRET, scratching his head.

Thanking his lucky stars that his security clearance had come through just last week, the young officer walks up to the general and asks, "Sir, can I help you with that?"

"Blasted newfangled contraptions, son, I tell you... It was a lot simpler back when I was your age. If you could show me how to use this, I'd greatly appreciate it."

Excited at the prospect of impressing such a high-ranking officer, the lieutenant turned on the machine, took the sheet of paper and fed it expertly into the shredder. 

The General then said, "Now, I only need four copies...."

__________________________________________________________________


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## Coyote43D (27 Jul 2004)

Spr.Earl said:
			
		

> Frank in Vancouver said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Spr Earl,
don't forget the box of grid squares and the BFA for the Carl G


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## Fruss (27 Jul 2004)

When I was working in a restaurant, the big joke was to water the plants..  for those who don't know, they all are plastic!!  :blotto:


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## Jeff Boomhouwer (27 Jul 2004)

Speaking of watering plants, a friend of mine was in the Guyanese army a while back and told me a story about a private that had the responsibility of watering the Col's personal garden. Everyday at precisely 6:30 Am he would go out with the hose and do his thing. One morning his SGT MAJ caught him racked out at 6:30 and demanded an answer. "But it's raining SGT MAJ"..." Well than put on your poncho that's why it was issued to you private!!!!!!"


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## AmmoTech90 (4 Aug 2004)

People have probably seen this before, but I just got a Canadianized version (all in fun):

Jump Coy: Kills the snake. Carries on.

Armor: Runs over the snake, giggles and looks for more snakes.

Infantry (RCR): "Look a putty cat. Come here kitty. Ouch! Hey that's not a kitty cat."

Infantry (R 22e R): "Tabarnack! Me see snake. Me like snake.Ouch! Me no like snake".

Infantry (PPCLI): Plays with the snake, then eats it.

Artillery (1 RCHA): Kills the snake, but in the process, kills several hundred civilians with a massive time-on-target with three artillery brigades in support. Mission is considered a
success, and all participants are awarded Orders of Military Merit  (including cooks, mechanics, clerks, etc.)

SAR: Lands on and wounds the snake on arrival, then feverishly works to save the snake's life.

JTF 2:Expends all ammunition and several grenades and calls for a tactical airstrike in a failed attempt to kill the snake. Snake bites the JTF 2 Commander and retreats to safety.

Canadian Ranger: Follows the snake and gets lost.

Sea King Pilot: Has GPS grid to snake. Can't find snake. Has engine failure and barely makes it back to base. Goes to the Officer's Mess for some sort of drink called "The Snake."

Military Intelligence: "Snake? What? Where? Huh? What's a snake?"

Military Police: Arrests the snake, then spends two hours trying to handcuff it. Snake escapes. MP eats doughnuts.

PAO: Sees the snake 200 metres away. Writes an in-depth article in "Maple Leaf" on snakes. Minister of National Defence reads the article and states that "Canadian Forces are better equipped to deal with snakes than they were in the Gulf War." Then he cuts the military budget another 50% and gives large pay increases to senior officers.

Ammo Tech:  Sees the snake. Considers how much paperwork would be required to issue ammo for the Infantry to kill the snake, then the heartache involved in getting them to return their brass and re-clip the rounds.  Decides to keep the snake as a pet, and calls it Darryl.

RMS Clerk:  Sees the snake and studiously ignores it until it looks like another clerk is going to try to help it.  An argument then breaks out involving each clerk's interpretation of the snake's entitlements, the snake's eyes glaze over and it wanders away.


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## Scott (4 Aug 2004)

How about this oft told story:

A man arrives at the Guardhouse of the base demanding to see the Base Commander. The RSM for the local Infantry Bn just happens to be walking by and takes notice of this man's irate condition and asks him what's wrong. The man says that there is a soldier on the base who has gotten this man's daughter pregnant and now her father is searching him out to ensure that he does the right thing. The RSM, being old school, starts escorting the man up to the Infantry Barracks as he believes that this troop should be found and held accountable. He says to the girls father, "You just tell me the boy's name and I will have him summoned immediately!"

The father replies, "The no good SOB is named Carl Gustav.............."

GROOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAANNNN

You can blame coyote for this one, his post about the BFA for the Carl G planted the seed.

Cheers


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## Danjanou (4 Aug 2004)

Oh yeah good ole Cpl Gustav. That poor guy is/was being chased by irate farmer's daughters on every CF base we've ever had. 

He should have been retired by now or at least promoted. ;D


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## Art Johnson (5 Aug 2004)

How about a Navy joke.

A sailor returns to his ship and sees this young lady standing on the dock, she is crying and wailing and shouting that life is not worth living. Fearing that the young lady was about to take her life by jumping into the harbour he went over to her and attempted to comfort her. He said that he would smuggle her aboard his ship and look after her until they reached a port where he could jump ship and they would live happily everafter. He stowed her aboard his ship in a lifeboat and brought her meals every day and made love to her every night.
On the first Friday during the Captain's inspection she was discovered. The Captain asked for an explanation and she told the story about one of his sailors smugling her aboard and feeding her and he is screwing me. The Captain replied "he is screwing you more than you realize this is the Toronto Island Ferry."

Pa Boom


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## Michael Dorosh (6 Aug 2004)

Coyote43D said:
			
		

> Spr.Earl said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Before or after he paints the Last Post?

With tartan paint?

Here is a true story from the trenches - Robert Graves tells this one in his book GOODBYE TO ALL THAT.  He was a subaltern in the Royal Welch Fusiliers in World War One.

Two Welshmen come staggering into the company command post one night and report to the OC.

"Sir, we beg to report we just shot our platoon sergeant!"

"You two fools, did you mistake him for the enemy?"

"No sir, we mistook him for the company sergeant major!"

They died gloriously when they were shot at dawn after the trial.....


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## OLD SCHOOL (6 Aug 2004)

Danjanou said:
			
		

> Oh yeah good ole Cpl Gustav. That poor guy is/was being chased by irate farmer's daughters on every CF base we've ever had.
> 
> He should have been retired by now or at least promoted. ;D



Continuing the fine Canadian tradition of utilizing one's experience after the Military, our Cpl. Gustav (since promoted to B.Gen for populating the countryside)  now works with the gun registry where he can continue his screwing ways and still manage to get away clean.
I believe the burrowingcrats have taken one from the battalions...auditor Shelia Fraser's inquiries will be met with many roads leading to 'Carl' as he slips into the thin Quebec air and disappears.

Quite a nice story of post military success I think.   :-*


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## Lexi (7 Aug 2004)

I found this animation, you've probably seen it before.
I find it hilarious...

http://www.jibjab.com/

Click on "Click To Play," and you're all set.
Enjoy!


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## Ex-Dragoon (13 Aug 2004)

http://www.strategypage.com/humor/articles/20020524.asp


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## Inch (27 Aug 2004)

Rules of Combat

USMC 

1. Bring a weapon. Preferably, bring at least two. Bring all of your friends who have weapons. Bring their friends who have weapons. 

2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive. 

3. Only hits count. Close doesn't count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss. 

4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough, nor using cover correctly. 

5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.) 

6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a big weapon and a friend with a big weapon. 

7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived and who didn't. 

8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running. 

9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting is more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the weapon. 

10. Use a weaponthat works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel pisses in the flintlock of your musket." 

11. Someday someone may kill you with your own weapon, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty. 

12. In combat, there are no rules, always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose. 

13. Have a plan. 

14. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work. 

15. Use cover or concealment as much as possible. The visible target should be in FRONT of YOUR weapon. 

16. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours. 

17. Don't drop your guard. 

18. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees. 

19. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them). 

20. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH. 

21. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get. 

22. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one. 

23. Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet. 

24. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation. 

25. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a ".4." 


Army

1. See USMC Rules for combat 

2. Add 60 to 90 days 

3. Hope the Marines already destroyed all meaningful resistance 


Navy

1. Spend three weeks getting somewhere 

2. Adopt an aggressive offshore posture 

3. Send in the Marines 

4. Drink Coffee 

5. Bring back the Marines 


Air Force

1. Kiss the spouse good-bye 

2. Drive to the flight line 

3. Fly to target area, drop bombs, fly back. 

4. Pop in at the club for a couple with the guys 

5. Go home, BBQ some burgers and drink some more beer


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## ark (4 Sep 2004)

I know this is old but I haven't seen this posted around here


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## ark (4 Sep 2004)

> An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
> 
> The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"
> 
> ...


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## jonsey (4 Sep 2004)

I found this one online:
_________________________________

Rejected U.S. Army Recruiting Slogans

"Kill All That You Can Kill"

"Shower With Men"

"Knock Up Foreign Broads"

"All The Grits You Can Eat"

"Be A Flame Thrower, Not A Flame Broiler"

"Purple Hearts = Free Beers At Hooters"

"Whimsical And Human, Just Like M*A*S*H"

"Cubicles Are For Wusses"

"Napalm Means Serious BBQ"

"Over 1,000,000 Sheared, Beaten, And Worked Into A Sub-Human Fury!"

"Totally Beefcake and Proud of It"

"Beat Up Sailors"

"We Won''''t Screw Your Mind Up As Bad As The Marines Will"

"Kicking Nazi Tail Since 1942"

"Don''t Ask, Don''t Tell, Don''t Accessorize"

?Risk Your Life for Freedoms No One Appreciates!"

"Play Doom? For Real!"

"Sure Beats Lurnin''''!"

"Because Terminators Are Real


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## Spc_Cameron (6 Sep 2004)

Shoe Shiner

A little boy was standing in front of a mirror in the restroom at John F. Kennedy Airport, when in walked a Marine staff sergeant, dressed in his dress blues. The little boy turned to the Marine and said, "Wow! Are you a Marine?"

The Marine replied, "Why, yes I am, young man. Would you like to wear my hat?"

"Boy, would I!," said the little boy. He took the hat and placed it on his head and turned to admire himself in the mirror.

As he was looking in the mirror, he heard the door open and through a ray of bright light, a man entered the room. But, this was not just a man -- he was more than a man. He was an Airborne Ranger.

The little boy turned and went over to the soldier. As he approached him, he could see the reflection in his boots. His eyes widened as he stared up at the soldier's chest full of medals and combat ribbons. He tried to speak, but he couldn't. Finally, he took a deep breath, and managed to say, "Excuse me, Sir. Are you an Airborne Ranger?"

The Ranger replied with a thunderous voice, "Why yes, I am!! Would you like to shine my boots?"

The little boy smiled, and said, "Oh, no sir!! I'm not a Marine. I'm just wearing his hat!"


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## Gunner (15 Sep 2004)

A classic with an Athena twist!


A new Captain was assigned to recce squadron located at Camp Julien in Kabul Afghanistan.  During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Squadron Sergeant Major (SSM) why the camel is kept there.

"Well, sir," is the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have .m-m-m.... urges. That's why we have the camel, sir." The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the SSM to bring the camel to
his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he is done, he wipes the sweat from his brow and asks the SSM, "Is that how the men do it?"

"Uh, no sir," the SSM replies, "they just ride the camel into town where the girls are.


----------



## Foxhound (3 Oct 2004)

Several Generals from member countries were about to attend a UN Security Council sub committee meeting in Johannesburg.  The passengers on a particular flight were two American Generals and a female secretary, two French Generals and a female secretary, two Greek Generals and a female secretary, and finally, two Canadian Generals with their female secretary.

After developing engine trouble, the pilot decides to send a mayday and attempt an emergency landing in a small clearing he has spotted in the jungle.  The pilot manages to bring the aircraft down mostly intact, but sadly loses his life in the process so the only survivors are the passengers.

Shaken, the passengers decide after conferencing, to each strike out on their own to attempt to find rescue.

Realizing that the jungle trek is bound to be long and taxing on resources, the teams shake out as follows:

The two American Generals look at each other, look at the secretary, then proceed to beat the crap out of one another until one is unconscious.  The winner then grabs the hand of the secretary, then they head out into the jungle.

The two Greek Generals look at each other, look at the secretary, then proceed to beat the crap out of the secretary, join hands and head out into the jungle.

The two French Generals look at each other, look at the secretary, then all three join hands and head out into the jungle.

The two Canadian Generals are still there waiting to hear from the Command and Control Oversight Committee at NDHQ.


----------



## Bruce Monkhouse (18 Oct 2004)

Captain Bravado


Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic.

Captain Bravado bellowed,  "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain,

"Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted,


"Get me my brown pants."


----------



## Great Harveney (19 Oct 2004)

I had a MCpl on my BMQ who would always inspect us and once in a while when he cought somthing wrong with somone hed always say "Dont just stand there un **** yourslef". Always got me in trouble for laughing.

-   Great Harveney


----------



## chrisf (16 Nov 2004)

Here's a little joke that made me laugh, hopefully it will do the same for you.

An Irishman, an English soldier, and an attractive young french woman were riding a train through the Irish countryside.

After entering a tunnel, with the train car becoming dark for a few minutes, there were several kissing sounds, each followed by a slapping noise.

After emerging from the other side, the soldier, rubbing his now reddened face thought to himself that the Irishman must have kissed the young woman, and she must have slapped him instead.

The young woman thought to herself that the soldier must have tried to kiss her, but ended up accidentally kissing the Irishman instead.

The Irishman thought it was great, because all he had to do was kiss the back of his hand, and he could slap the soldier all day long.


----------



## Spr.Earl (16 Nov 2004)

Just a Sig Op said:
			
		

> Here's a little joke that made me laugh, hopefully it will do the same for you.
> 
> An Irishman, an English soldier, and an attractive young french woman were riding a train through the Irish countryside.
> 
> ...



Thats an owld one but with a RSM in the train.


----------



## Burrows (17 Nov 2004)

eww

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a Plastic Grocery Bag?

One is made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with.  The other is for CARRYING GROCERIES


----------



## Pte. Bloggins (17 Nov 2004)

Spr.Earl said:
			
		

> Thats an owld one but with a RSM in the train.



Found it. 

Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp. As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin. In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts. The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?" The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?" The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark. And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"


----------



## Pte. Bloggins (17 Nov 2004)

Haven't seen this here, so thought I'd post it as well (still makes me laugh) ;D

General 
Faster than a speeding bullet. 
More powerful than a locomotive. 
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. 
Walks on water. 
Lunches with God, but must pick up tab. 

Colonel 
Almost as fast as a speeding bullet. 
More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline. 
Leaps short buildings with a single bound. 
Walks on water if sea is calm. 
Talks to God. 

Lieutenant-Colonel 
Faster than an energetically thrown rock. 
Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet. 
Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds. 
Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present. 
May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least 
three working days in advance. 

Major 
Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy. 
Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical. 
Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings. 
Swims well. 
Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing. 

Captain 
Can sometimes handle firearm without shooting self. 
Is run over by trains. 
Barely clears outhouse. 
Doggy paddles. 
Mumbles to self. 

Lieutenant 
Is dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised. 
Recognizes trains two out of three times. 
Runs into tall buildings. 
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and water wings. 
Talks to walls. 

2nd Lieutenant 
Can be trusted with either gun or ammunition but never both. 
Must have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to sleeves. 
Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings. 
Plays in Mud puddles. 
Stutters. 

Officer Cadet 
Under no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and must even be 
closely supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are right out. 
Says: "Look at choo choo!" 
Not allowed inside buildings of any size. 
Makes good boat anchor. 
Mere existence makes God shudder. 

Sergeant-Major 
Catches hyper sonic armour piercing fin stabilized discarding sabot 
depleted uranium long rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them. 
Kicks bullet trains off their tracks. 
Uproots tall buildings and walks under them. 
Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture. 
Is God.


----------



## Goober (24 Nov 2004)

These are better told by me in person, with a few Olands in my blood...

Two irishmen are stranded in a dory in the middle of the ocean baking in the sun. One irishman spots a bottle floating in the water, and picks it up and takes the cork out. With a puff of smoke and some sparkles, out flies a genie. The genie says "I will grant you ONE wish. What will it be?" One of the irishmen say "Hey, aren't you supposed to grant us THREE wishes?" The genie replies "No, just one, and no wishing for more wishes."

So the irishmen think about it long and hard, and finally one of them says, "I wish the entire ocean was made of whiskey!" the other irishman looks at the first in disappointment and says "You idiot... now we gotta piss in the boat."

/dryjokealert

Two greyhounds are sitting at a bar, discussing the race that one of them just won. The winner of the race was sad, and his buddy asked him whats wrong. He replied "Well... I know I should be happy because I won the race.. but I didn't win because of my superior ability, I won because something shocked me in the ass!" His buddy looks perplexed, and asks him to explain. The winning greyhound says "Well, I don't know how to explain it, but I was on the inside lane chasing that rabbit, and every now and again, I would get a shock in the ass, which propelled me to the front of the pack."

Across the bar a horse was listening in to thier conversation and interupts the two greyhounds "Excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear you... and that exact same thing happened to me yesterday!" The two greyhounds look at each other for a few moments... and one says "Oh my God.... a talking horse."

heh, thats what I call a groaner!


----------



## Bartok5 (26 Nov 2004)

Some of you may have seen this flash animation before.  For those who haven't, I am providing the link below.  Personal "mileage" will vary, but as far as I am concerned it is a rather twisted classic.  Enjoy!

http://www.deadtroll.com/index2.html?/video/liltank1.html~content

It came to me out of left-field on the DIN, and I thought that it was worth passing on.  I am guessing that some Canadian Tankers had a rather direct hand in the creation.  Nonetheless, it cracked me up!

Cheers,


----------



## dirtnco (28 Nov 2004)

Enjoy,
-Just remember if the world didn't suck we'd all fall off
-We were born naked , wet, and hungry. Then things got worse
-It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end someone would still try to pass
-Laughing stock---cattle with humour
-Flashlight: a case for dead batteries
-Shin: a device used to locate furniture in the dark
-Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway
- The things that come to those that wait were more that likely left by those that got there first
-You can't have everything; where would you put it?
-I started with nothing , and I still have most of it
- Light travels faster than sound. That why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


 Pro Patria


----------



## Burrows (1 Dec 2004)

The Velocity and Power of Impact of my boot on your butt is directly related to how mad I am at you


----------



## Bograt (15 Dec 2004)

Like all pilots and aircraft, Santa and his sleigh are subject to
regular certification checks, including inspection of the sleigh and a
test of Santa's flying ability.

To get ready for the examiner, Santa and the elves were busy checking
the sleigh and reindeer, and making sure all the paperwork was in
order. Santa knew the feds would check every bolt in his equipment and
put his flying skills to the test.

On the appointed day, the examiner walked slowly around the sleigh. He
checked the reindeer harnesses, the sleigh runners, and Rudolph's
nose. He closely considered Santa's weight and balance calculations
for the sleigh's payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride.

Santa climbed aboard the sleigh and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder
harness, and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in. To
Santa's great surprise, he carried a shotgun.

"What's that for?!?", asked Santa.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you anything
ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but in
this test, you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

 ;D

www.noradsanta.org


----------



## Foxhound (18 Dec 2004)

From the CTV.ca website:

http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/1103225211845_98634411



> Hells Angels use billboard for image campaign
> CTV.ca News Staff
> 
> The Ontario wing of the Hells Angels has put up a billboard on a Toronto highway as part of a new public relations campaign.
> ...




I thought that the slogan "Still fighting for democracy and freedom" was a little over the top considering that it kind of puts them on our, er ... â Å“turf.â ? :blotto:

In that regard, I thought it might be a welcome gesture if we helped them out with their marketing strategy by coming up with some alternative slogans.

I'll start:

1. "When it absolutely, positively has to be whacked overnight."
2. â Å“Have it OUR way!â ?
3. â Å“Tired of foreign gangs?   He11's Angels â â€œ home-grown and proud of it!â ?
4. â Å“For your local chapter, call *1-800-555-GANG*.â ?
5. â Å“Snap! Crackle! Bash!â ?
6. â Å“When you care enough to pay off the very best.â ?
7. â Å“Finger breakin' good.â ?
8. â Å“Say it with bikers.â ?
9. â Å“But please, don't squeeze the Harley.â ?
10. â Å“The quicker beater-upper.â ?


----------



## Slim (18 Dec 2004)

"Only the Hell's Angels use REAL MILITARY EQUIPMENT to assault their rivals...Anyone else is just second best!" ;D

"Our Crystal Meth is better!" 

"Turning motorcyclists into criminals, the Hell's Angels are first in Ontario!"   :dontpanic:

TV commercials are next... :

Slim :


----------



## 48Highlander (18 Dec 2004)

Foxhound said:
			
		

> 1. "When it absolutely, positively has to be whacked overnight."
> 2. â Å“Have it OUR way!â ?
> 3. â Å“Tired of foreign gangs?  He11's Angels â â€œ home-grown and proud of it!â ?
> 4. â Å“For your local chapter, call *1-800-555-GANG*.â ?
> ...



Damn man.  You should do stand up.  I laughed untill I cried  

I'm thinking they could copy the CF ads.

"Strong.  Proud.  No cutbacks.  Today's Hells Angels"


----------



## Slim (18 Dec 2004)

I hear that their retirement policy sucks though.


----------



## Foxhound (18 Dec 2004)

But they offer "full" dental work.


----------



## Foxhound (18 Dec 2004)

That's why four out of five dentists recommend He11's Angels. 

Came up with some more ...

"My gang, I think I'll keep them."

"...I just saved a bunch of money on my continue-to-do-business insurance (by switching to Angels)."

"In the Valley of the Jolly
...Ho! Ho! Ho! He11's Angels."

"We do intimidation right!"

"Someone deserves a break today."

"Everything you always wanted in a gang ... and less.
(Ad for He11's Angels Lite.)

"The other white supremacists."

"We make money the old fashioned way.
 We steal it"

"The Un-Gang."

"This is your brain.   This is your brain if you f**k with us.   Any questions?"


----------



## Gilligan (19 Dec 2004)

HAHA, in the spirit of the holidays,
  
   "Season's Beatings"


----------



## Pte. Bloggins (20 Dec 2004)

*BUMP*

Way too funny to be all the way on page 9.


----------



## Slim (20 Dec 2004)

My personal favouite was "Did you shave this moring? Well next time step closer to the razor!" 

Slim


----------



## 48Highlander (20 Dec 2004)

Here's a good one.  Not army related, but I got it through the chain of command so that's good enough 


An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would work his way across the country from South  to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs  when  he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign  that read "$10,000.00 per call".  The American, being intrigued, asked  a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for?

The priest  replied that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000.00 one could talk to God.  The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta, there, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and asked a nearby nun what its purpose was?

She told him that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000.00 he could talk to God.

"O.K. thank you" said the American.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New-York.  In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000.00 per call" sign under it.

Upon leaving Vermont, the American saw a sign for CANADA and decided to see if Canadians had the same golden telephone.  He arrived in Squamish, BC and again there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "25 cents per call".

The American was surprised and intrigued so he asked the priest about the sign:  "Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches.  I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000.00 per call.  Why is it so cheap here?

The priest smiled and answered:" You're in Canada now son, it's a local call."


----------



## Devlin (12 Jan 2005)

A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the 
druggist. The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton 
bandana, opens it to reveal a smaller silk square which he unfolds to 
reveal 

a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up. 

"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist. 

"Six pence," says the pharmacist. 

"How much for a new one?" 

"Ten pence." 

The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandana, 
places it in his sporran and marches down the aisle and out the door of 
the pharmacy. 

A moment or two later a great shout goes up, followed by an even greater shout. The Scot walks into the pharmacy again, and back to the pharmacist. 

"The regiment has taken a vote," the Scot says. "We'll have a new one."


----------



## mo-litia (15 Jan 2005)

What do you call ten Liberals hangiing in a tree?

An Alberta wind chime.


----------



## gkeir (15 Jan 2005)

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. 
Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. 

The Captain decided that he would not ask Bubba Joe about his selling techniques but that he would sit 
in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch. 

Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000." "If you take out the supplemental GI insurance (which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month), the government pays your beneficiary $200,000." "NOW," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into battle first?"


----------



## Bert (16 Jan 2005)

This one is for Inch and all the pilots on army.ca.



Blind Pilots

The entrance opens, two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the
aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the
other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter
spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door
closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign
that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people
sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the
water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as
though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the
cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers
relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their
magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane! is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and
we're all gonna die."


----------



## Long in the tooth (16 Jan 2005)

Working for the CQ I couldn't win for losing.   Here are two true anectodes -

On a ten week ex in wonderful Wainwright we sent laundry out on a daily basis.   One day when it returned I grabbed the CO and driver's laundry  (a good friend) and took it over to their biv site.   As I was doing this, the CO arr at our tent and asked for his laundry.   It wasn't there, and he said "If my laundry is f**ked up then how can I know it's not all fouled up?"

On return from the same Ex we had taken the RSMs rucksack and duffel bag as he had made separate travel arrangements.   The CQ ordered me to "take over to the red half ton truck parked in front of the Sergeants mess".   I asked "what's the plate number?".   The CQ said "just f**king do it!"   I did - the red half ton with no back cab.   Next morning, in front of 600 soldiers the RSM called me out..

Like I said, can't win for losing....


----------



## Jungle (16 Jan 2005)

Soon after receiving the C9 at the unit, we are doing range work with it. A Major shows up at the ammo point, interested about the new weapon and it's capabilities. While someone is explaining to him how to zero the weapon, and how we break the belt in 5-round lengths to do it, he asks: "... yes, but do tracer rounds make a whole in the target ???"


----------



## George Wallace (1 Feb 2005)

News Flash



This morning -- from a cave somewhere in Pakistan -- Taliban Minister 
of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military 
action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next.

This thing is getting ugly.


----------



## camochick (16 Feb 2005)

This has had me peeing my pants all day, it's a must read. 

http://www.skippyslist.com/skippylist.html


----------



## Scratch_043 (17 Feb 2005)

http://www.skippyslist.com/skippyfriends.html

Most recent addition, skippy has some new friends.

Nic


----------



## Brando304 (7 Mar 2005)

I havn't heard to many good ones, but I did hear this one the other day: ' A guy in the army walks in the washroom and starts to take a leak, a few moments later, a guy in the navy walks in and begins leaking right beside him. The navy guy finishes first (The army guy being more of a man, obviosly takes a longer leak) and begins washing his hands. Finnally the Army guy finishes, and heads for the door. The navy guy says to him: "You know in the Navy, they teach us to wash our hands when were finished." The Army guy replys: "Yeah, well in the Army they teach us not to piss on our hands." 

LOL, that's probably the best one I've heard, so if anyone has any other ones, by all means post em. :blotto:


----------



## QORvanweert (7 Mar 2005)

I don't know where I heard this one, but damn, do I ever love it.

Q. Have you ever seen the famous French Army knife?
- "No?"
A. It has five corkscrews and a white flag.


----------



## johnny_boy (7 Mar 2005)

There is the classic "How do you seperate the boys from the men in the navy... WITH A CROWBAR!" 


Yea yea yeah, had to be the first to post it.


----------



## 48Highlander (7 Mar 2005)

not really a military joke but I just got this in my e-mail and thought I'd share:

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only   question asked was   
"Would you please give your honest opinion about   solutions to the food   shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure.
In Africa they didn't   know what 'food'   meant
In India they didn't know what 'honest'   meant
In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant
In China they didn't know what   'opinion' meant
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution'   meant
In South America they didn't know what   'please' meant
And in the   USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world'   meant!


----------



## caine737 (8 Mar 2005)

NCOs and Officers 

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" 

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." 

"You must be an NCO," says the balloonist. 

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know?" 

"Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone." 

The man below says "You must be an Officer". 

"I am" replies the balloonist, "But how did you know?" 

"Well," says the NCO, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."


----------



## caine737 (8 Mar 2005)

Soldier, Sailor, and Airman 

A soldier, a sailor and an airman were sitting together having a beer and they begin to discuss the greatest technological inventions of the modern world.

"It is the laser," said the soldier, an man of obviously superior intellect. "The laser, because with it, you can determine the precise range to an enemy target, you can use it to gather important telemetry information and you can even use it for photography that is almost tri-dimensional."

"No," interjected the sailor, also an intelligent person, but obviously standing in the shadow of the soldier's phenomenal mind. "It is radar. With radar you can track incoming aircraft and missiles, you can determine the speed of the particular vehicles that are approaching your ship and, if you use it right, you can even heat your lunch."

"I disagree," said the airman, a man of, well he's an airman and all airmen are borne out of a diminishing gene pool. "The greatest invention is the thermos."

"The thermos?!!?" exclaimed the other two.

"Yup, a thermos," he said. "I mean, jus' think about it. If you want something hot you put hot stuff in it. If you want cold, you put cold stuff in it."

"Yeah, so?" quizzed the other two.

"Well," said the airman, "How does it know?"


----------



## caine737 (8 Mar 2005)

thanks there some more:

Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher - "Aim towards Enemy."

****

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
    As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.
    The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

*****

A Platoon Sergeant and his Platoon Leader are bunking down in the field for
the night.  The Platoon Sergeant looks up and says, "When you see all the
stars in the sky, what do you think, sir?"

The LT replies, "Well, I think of how insignificant we really are in the
universe; how small a piece of such a grand design.  I can't help but wonder
if what we do truly means anything or makes any difference.  Why?  What do
you think of, Sergeant?"

"I think somebody stole the damn tent."

*****

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field 
and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120
minutes to "Happy Hour."

*****
One of the serious problems in planning the fight against American doctrine, is that the Americans do not read their manuals, nor do they feel any obligation to follow their doctrine...
- From a Soviet Junior Lt's Notebook

"The best tank terrain is that without anti-tank weapons." 
-Russian military doctrine.


----------



## Drummy (8 Mar 2005)

Hi,

Quote from Elric - "Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher - "Aim towards Enemy."

Not a joke as such, but I have a Lee Enfield 303, Parker Hale conversion, and I'm pretty certain(98%) that it was used  by the French Army during WW2.

Why - there is an arrow etched into the outside of the breech pointing toward the front end where the bullet comes out !  ;D

Drummy


----------



## Highland Lad (8 Mar 2005)

2 F-18s are escorting a C-130 on a cross-Canada trip, and the pilots are yacking it up on the radio.

The f-18 pilots (being fighter jocks) are bragging about their aircraft and how amazing they are to fly. One of them, to make his point, abruptly departs formation to demonstrate some high-G, high-stress manoeuvers. When he's done, he says "That was such an amazing rush, I bet you would just love to be able to do that, buddy-boy!"

The C-130 pilot responds "Yep, that was pretty neat; but get a load of THIS!"

The air goes dead for about five minutes. All aircraft continue flying straight and level.

The Herc pilot comes back on and says "So, what about that, then? Wasn't that pretty neat?"

The two fighter pilots are confused. Finally one comes on and says "What about _what_? Nothing happened, except maybe in your mind."

"Well," comes the response, "I just got up, stretched my legs, took a leak, and grabbed a cup of coffee. Now don't you guys wish you could do _that_?"


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## Highland Lad (8 Mar 2005)

How about military _practical_ jokes?  ;D

A buddy of mine on ex in Germany many years ago had a Sec 2i/c who was the ultimate "been there, done that" dude, and very strict with his 2 militia attachments...

The ex was being conducted under NBC threat, so the troopies were in TOPP medium much of the time. Also, like many exercises at the time, 'cat' sanitation was the rule (bear in mind, this was before the pink fuzzy, PC, 'green' army days).

Anyway MCpl Nameless has to go out and dig himself a little hole one time, to take care of some very important business; not the easiest thing to do in TOPP medium, but he really had to go, so there he was, squatting in the dark with his pants down as far as he could get them, and holding his bunny suit as far out of the way as possible. His attention was somewhat occupied, so he didn't notice a couple of troops (my buddy may or may not have been one - he never would say) sneaking up behind him with a shovel.

They caught his deposit as it fell and threw the evidence into the woods once everything was done, then moved back to the carrier.

MCpl Nameless finishes his business, re-assembles his combats, and checks the hole before filling it in - finding nothing to bury. Just then the carrier starts up, and he has to re-join the section.

Many jokes are then made about the smell that he dragged in with him, and he does not take them well. Eventually, of course, the dreaded cry goes up: "GAS, GAS, GAS!"

MCpl X is the last one in the section to go to TOPP high - I wonder why?

He was also the last one to come out of TOPP high when the all clear came.

He also made a very thorough inspection of his bunny suit before returning it after end-ex.

They didn't tell him about the shovel until everyone was in the mess, completing post-ex drills.


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## caine737 (8 Mar 2005)

Navy retirement 


The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.  They promised any officer who volunteered for 

retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what 

those two points would be.  The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.  He was 

measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. 


The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.  He walked 

out with $96,000. 


The third one was a non-commissioner officer a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my 

penis to my testicles.." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous 

two officers had received.  But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. 


The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em,"which he did.  The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the 

Chief's penis and began to work back.  My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" 


The old Chief calmly replied:  "Vietnam"


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## Brando304 (8 Mar 2005)

LOL, Those are great jokes guys. I got another for ya:


A new guy gets tranfered to a new platoon, and his IC says to him " Yep, well things are pretty good here, but if you're feeling like you had a bad day, just go put your penis through that hole in the barrel, and all your problems will go away."

So the new guy says, "Well I'm having a rather stressfull day as it is, mind if I test it out?" The IC gives him the go ahead, and he slips his penis through the hole, in the barrel.

"Oh,.... yeah,... that really works!" Says the new guy filled with joy.

"Yep you can do that any day of the week except for Tuesdays" Explains the IC.

The new guy asks: "Why not Tuesdays ?"

"Because your in the barrel on Tuesdays" Replys the IC.


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## atticus (8 Mar 2005)

Doesn't your joke go against the rules of conduct?
# You will not post any information that is offensive, defamatory, inaccurate, abusive, vulgar, hateful, harassing, *obscene*, profane, *sexually oriented*, threatening, invasive of a person's privacy, or otherwise violative of any law.

http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/24937.0.html


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## Pte. Bloggins (8 Mar 2005)

A private is standing at an aquarium. An officer says to him:
"What are you doing?"
"Sir, I am experimenting on superiority of higher mind over lower. See, I look straight at the fish, then I point my eyes to the right- they swim to the right. I point to the left- they swim to the left."
"Go wait outside for a moment"
Several hours passed, and the officer was still inside. Finally the private dares to look in, and finds the officer opening and closing his mouth monotonically.
 ;D

Here's some other great ones I've found...

A 2LT was walking home from work one day, when he noticed a little boy sitting on the sidewalk. 
The little boy was playing with a pile of ****. Curious, the 2LT walked over to the little boy and asked him "Why are you playing with a pile of ****?" The little boy replied "I'm building an NCO". The 2LT, amused by this, ran back to the company to get his captain. Upon returning to the little boy, who was still playing with the pile of ****, the Captain asked "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy looked up at him and said " I'm building an NCO". The captain being equally amused insisted that they return and get the CO. When the three returned the little boy, still playing with his pile of ****, was asked by the CO "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy again replied "I'm building and NCO". "Why are you building an NCO?" asked the CO. The little boy paused and responded "Because I don't have enough **** to build an officer"

(My apologies, nothing against officers, just found these to be funny)

40 Ways to prepare yourself for an operational deployment

1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.
2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.
3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong cot."
4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet, everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three sheets of toilet paper, or for best effect, remove it altogether. For a more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's, choosing a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.
5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.
6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head.
7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "HIGH" for that tactical generator smell.
8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.
9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.
10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.
12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker.
14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.
15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden hose.
16. Once a month, take every major appliance apart and then put them back together again.
17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking.
18. Invite at least 185 people you do not really like because of their strange hygiene habits, to come and visit for a couple of months, exchange clothes with them.
19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.
21. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your nightstand and bring it to the bathroom with you, also bring your gun and a flashlight.
22. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, "just in case," every time!
23. Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say, "Sorry, it's for the other Smith."
24. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you do not know what you look or smell like. Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.
25. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.
26. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it is for Malaria.
27. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.
28. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambiance.
29. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and fragmentation.
30. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect it for remotely detonated explosives before proceeding.
31. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 a. m. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute for their shattered windows.
32. Drink your milk and sodas warm.
33. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.
34. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel you placed outside the front door before they come in.
35. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the backyard. Complain that the 4x4s are not 8 inches on center and make them rebuild it.
36. Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator.
37. When your 5-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum.
38. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your neighbor's back yard.
39. Wait for the coldest/ hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no heat/air conditioning that day so you can perform much needed maintenance on the heater/ air conditioner. Tell them you are doing this so they will not get cold/ hot.
40. Just when you think you are ready to resume a normal life, order yourself to repeat this process for another six months to simulate the next deployment you will support.

And don't forget. Don't drink or have sex for the next year...






HOW TO SIMULATE CANADIAN ARMY LIFE 
Want to be a soldier, but really don't want to commit precious years of your life? Here are some easy ways to simulate exactly what it's like to be a Canadian soldier! 

FIELD LIFE 
Surround yourself with people who smoke like chimneys, drink like fish, bitch/whine/complain about EVERYTHING, and use foul language that would make a teamster blush. 

Pack three days worth of clothes and toiletries. Live in your backyard for two weeks. Go into the house only once in that two weeks to shower. 

Dig a hole in your back yard and live in it. Allow no direct contact with your family. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbours have held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five. 

Every two days, fill in the hole, move to another part of the yard and dig another hole. Every time you are approximately half-way through digging the hole, have somebody come buy, compliment you on the fine hole you've dug and tell you to fill it in and dig it somewhere else. 

Always dig a hole next to the hole you're living in. This is your toilet. Re-dig the hole every time your move your living hole. Fill in the old hole and it with a "Foul Ground" sign. Have somebody remove the sign while you're not looking. 

Collect a jar-full of ants, dirt, various bugs and mosquitos. Pour them down the back of your shirt. 
Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your back yard and wait two weeks before eating them. 

If it doesn't rain, turn on the sprinklers. 

If you're incredibly tired and fed-up one night, stand guard duty in your hole from 3 a.m. to 6 a.m. Don't sleep at all that day. 

Sleep for only twenty minutes at a time. No matter how tired you are. 

Cook your meals over sterno. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Leave to sit and turn ice cold. Eat everything in three minutes. After eating, run two kilometers. 

Buy two rolls of toilet paper. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time. 

Run around your yard, periodically throwing yourself to the ground and crawling for at least 20 meters -- or smack your shins, knees and elbows with a hammer. 

For two days in a row, walk 10 kilometers without stopping. Wear a back pack with fifty-five pounds of weight in it. Bitch and whine the whole way. 

When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or until it is hard and stale. 

Have one meal a week served to you floating in it's own grease in a large cooler or similar insulated container. Serve coffee, juice and other beverages the same way. 

GARRISON LIFE 

Surround yourself with people who smoke like chimneys, drink like fish, bitch/whine/complain about EVERYTHING, and use foul language that would make a teamster blush. 

Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes. 

Ask for equipment or articles of clothing you really need, have somebody tell you that you're not entitled to it. Walk away. 

Have your spouse whine about how you're always on deployment. 

Whenever you're bored, get drunk. Be bored often. 

Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart, clean it and put it back together. 

Start a project, any project. Have somebody continually stop by and make stupid suggestions to make the job "easier". Say "yes sir" and do 
it the way they told you to do it. After they leave, go back to doing it the right way. 

Repaint your vehicle every month, whether it needs it or not. 

Move every two years. Whether you want to or not. When you get to a place you really hate, stay there for fifteen years. 

Replace all your appliances and furniture with those which are outdated, in need of constant repair or dangerous to use. Do more with them than you would if they were new. 

If you have nothing to do, clean something that doesn't need cleaning. 

PEACEKEEPING 

Surround yourself with people who smoke like chimneys, drink like fish, bitch/whine/complain about EVERYTHING, and use foul language that would make a teamster blush. 

Have two neighbours start a fight. Get in between them and have them hit you instead of each other. 

After the neighbours have hit you several times have them calm down. Have another, much larger person, pretend to be your ally and piss the neighbours off again (by pretending to bomb their houses and basically bully them around) and start them fighting. Repeat the above. 

Ask the "feuding" neighbours to throw rocks at you and call you names every time they see you, because of what the larger person did to their homes. 

Bring the neighbours medical supplies, food and blankets. Have them slam the door in your face without saying thank you, because the much larger person bombed their houses. Get some of them to say thank you, have the much larger person tell you to never bring them that stuff again. 

TRAINING ENVIRONMENT 

Surround yourself with people who smoke like chimneys, drink like fish, bitch/whine/complain about EVERYTHING, and use foul language that would make a teamster blush. 

Run. Run a lot. Once in the morning, once at noon and once before supper. Run at least five kilometers each time, singing inane songs and pretending you really want to do this. 

Stand to attention in a parking lot in the hot sun for five hours, or until you pass out and fall face first into the asphalt. Have somebody yell at you the entire time. Have this same person nitpick at you incessantly and then fine you $50.00 and confine you to your room for a week, coming out only to go tot he bathroom, shower, or eat. 

Have somebody yell at you every time you're stupid enough go outside without a hat on, slouch, or put your hands in your pockets. 

Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep shearer. 

Give yourself twenty minutes less than you need for lunch. Eat so fast you don't taste the food. 

Buy a gas mask and wear it for two hours every day. Run around the yard, while you're wearing it. Do push-ups in it until you pass out. Fill the mask with pepper spray and recite your Social Insurance Number BACKWARDS, have somebody yell, "Wrong. Do it again!" and repeat this process four times before removing the mask and puking your guts out. 

Clean and shine everything to perfection. Have somebody yell at you and call you a filthy pig. Pretend to clean and shine everything to perfection again (changing nothing), have the same person inspect it and say "good turnout". 

INTERACTION WITH CIVILIANS 

Leave the people behind who smoke like chimneys, drink like fish, bitch/whine/complain about EVERYTHING, and use foul language that would make a teamster blush. 

When around civilians ensure to smoke like a chimney, drink like a fish, bitch/whine/complain about EVERYTHING, and use foul language that would make a teamster blush. 

Whenever civilians say or do anything stupid (it happens a lot) shake your head and mutter in your most contemptuous/condescending voice; "f*@kin' civvies". 

Use copious amounts of acronyms, NEVER explain them. When asked to explain shake your head and mutter in your most contemptuous/condescending voice; "f*@kin' civvies". 

Have other people say stupid things to you like: "you don't pay taxes, do you?", "you get free housing", "man, you must get paid a lot". 

Shake your head and mutter in your most contemptuous/condescending voice; "f*@kin' civvies". 

Demand that everyone never thank you for anything you do for them, look at you in a condescending manner and call you names like "G.I. Joe", and "soldier boy". Shake your head and mutter in your most contemptuous/condescending voice; "f*@kin' civvies". 

By the way, here's a whole thread on jokes:
http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/25346.0.html

These are funny too...
Jokes
http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/22669.0.html

Light Bulbs
http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/4094.0.html

You know the army's getting to your brain when...
http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/1290.0.html


Happy reading, to all that have never seen those before.


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## Korus (9 Mar 2005)

> A private is standing at an aquarium. An officer says to him:
> "What are you doing?"
> "Sir, I am experimenting on superiority of higher mind over lower. See, I look straight at the fish, then I point my eyes to the right- they swim to the right. I point to the left- they swim to the left."
> "Go wait outside for a moment"
> Several hours passed, and the officer was still inside. Finally the private dares to look in, and finds the officer opening and closing his mouth monotonically.



HAH! that one is priceless! So I told that to an officer buddy of mine..

He didn't get it.


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## ouyin2000 (9 Mar 2005)

*Murphy's war laws*

Friendly fire - isn't. 

Recoilless rifles - aren't. 

Suppressive fires - won't. 

You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note. 

A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down. 

If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid. 

Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you. 

If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike. 

If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short. 

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. 

Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself. 

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder. 

If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush. 

The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack. 

The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
when they're ready.
when you're not. 

No OPLAN ever survives initial contact. 

There is no such thing as a perfect plan. 

Five second fuses always burn three seconds. 

There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole. 

A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.

The Ol' Ranger's addendum:

Or else they're trying to suck you into a serious ambush! 

The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard. 

The easy way is always mined. 

Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at. 

Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be 
known as bomb magnets. 

Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you. 

If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone. 

When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too. 

Incoming fire has the right of way. 

No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. 

No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat. 

If the enemy is within range, so are you. 

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. 

Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't. 

Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way. 

Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support. 

Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.) 

Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing. 

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out. 

Tracers work both ways. 

If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to 
take. 

When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right. 

Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs. 

Military Intelligence is a contradiction. 

Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up. 

Weather ain't neutral. 

If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed toward you.

Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground. 

'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go. 

The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue. 

Napalm is an area support weapon. 

Mines are equal opportunity weapons. 

B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon. 

Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone. 

Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity. 

The one item you need is always in short supply. 

Interchangeable parts aren't. 

It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about. 

When in doubt, empty your magazine. 

The side with the simplest uniforms wins. 

Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps. 

If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy. 

Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep. 

The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass. 

Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan. 

Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ. 

The enemy never watches until you make a mistake. 

One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many. 

A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain. 
The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it. 

Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn. 

The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired. 

The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator. 

Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 

No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill. 

If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything. 

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp) 

Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short. 

When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always 
illegible. 

Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA. 

The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for 
certain what they don't want. 

To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence. 

The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60. 

The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else. 

When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night. 

The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor. 

A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive. 

Murphy was a grunt. 

Beer Math: 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases. 

Body count Math: 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action. 

The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range. 

All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather. 

The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance. 

The crucial round is a dud. 

Every command which can be misunderstood, will be. 

There is no such place as a convenient foxhole. 

Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything. 

If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you. 

If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it. 

If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him. 

Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target. 

Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one. 

The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out. 

The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his 
deviousness and mischievousness). 

There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work. 

Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching. 

The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel. 

Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, 
and your canteen always lands at your feet. 

As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains. 

Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do. 

The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover. 

Walking point = sniper bait. 

Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day. 

If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution. 

No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy. 

The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map. 

The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it. 

The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at. 

If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush. 

The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small. 

If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap. 

The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions. 

There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss. 

Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants. 

If see you, so can the enemy. 

All or any of the above combined. 

Avoid loud noises, there are few silent killers in a combat zone. 

Never screw over a buddy; you'll never know when he could save your life. 

Never expect any rations; the only rations that will be on time and won't be short is the ration ofshit. 

Respect all religions in a combat zone, take no chances on where you may go if killed. 

A half filled canteens a beacon for a full loaded enemy weapon. 

When in a fire fight, kill as many as you can, the one you miss may not miss tomorrow.

The last six laws were sent by Hank Samples. A Viet Nam combat veteran (70-72) 11th ACR-101st Abn. 

It is a physical impossibility to carry too much ammo.

If you survive an ambush, something's wrong.

Some General last words (as his aides tried to get him to get his head down):
"What! what! men, dodging this way for single bullets! What will you do when they open fire along the whole line? I am ashamed of you. They couldn't hit an elephant at this distance."

The General was General John Sedgwick, said on May 9, 1864 at the Battle of Spotsylvania.

If you can see the flashes from the enemies' guns in battle, he can see yours too. 

Flashlights, lighters and matches don't just illuminate the surrounding area; they illuminate you too. 

Just because you have nearly impenetrable body armor and a hard-ass Kevlar helmet, doesn't mean you don't have exposed areas. 

There are few times when the enemy can't hear you: When he's dead, you're dead, or both.
Addendum: When he's not there, when you're not there, or both. 

Never cover a dead body with your own in hopes of looking like you're one of the casualties. Even using 
his cadaver is a stretch to avoid being shot "just in case." 

You're only better than your enemy if you kill him first.

The last seven laws were sent by Charlie. 

Complain about the rations all you want, but just remember; they could very well be your last meal. 

Never underestimate the ability of the brass to foul things up. 

You have two mortal enemies in combat; the opposing side and your own rear services. 

You think the enemy has better artillery support and the enemy thinks yours is better; you're both right. 

Three things you will never see in combat; hot chow, hot showers, and an uninterrupted night's sleep. 

"Live" and "Hero" are mutually exclusive terms.

Don't be a hero

Once you are in the fight it is way too late to wonder if this is a good idea. 

NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition that the other guy. 

Cover your Buddy, so he can be around to cover for you. 

Decisions made by someone over your head will seldom be in your best interest. 

Sometimes, being good and lucky still is not enough. 

If the rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need. 

If you are wearing body armor they will probably miss that part. 

Happiness is a belt fed weapon. 

Having all your body parts intact and functioning at the end of the day beats the alternative... 

If you are allergic to lead it is best to avoid a war zone. 

Hot garrison chow is better than hot C-rations which, in turn, are better than cold C-rations, which are 
better than no food at all. All of these, however, are preferable to cold rice balls even if they do have 
little pieces of fish in them. 

A free fire zone has nothing to do with economics. 

Medals are OK, but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is better. 

Being shot hurts. 

Thousands of Veterans earned medals for bravery every day. A few were even awarded. 

There is only one rule in war: When you win, you get to make up the rules. 

C-4 can make a dull day fun. 

There is no such thing as a fair fight -- only ones where you win or lose. 

If you win the battle you are entitled to the spoils. If you lose you don't care. 

Nobody cares what you did yesterday or what you are going to do tomorrow. What is important is what 
you are doing -- NOW -- to solve our problem. 

Always make sure someone has a can opener. 

Prayer may not help . . . but it can't hurt. 

Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running. Running is better than crawling. All of these, however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac even if it is, technically, a form of flying. 

If everyone does not come home none of the rest of us can ever fully come home either. 

Carrying any weapon that you weren't issued (e.g, an AK) in combat is Not A Good Idea!

A combat vet will know the sound of an unfamiliar weapon in an instant and will point and shoot.

Not only that, AKs use green tracers which mean "shoot 'em all and let God sort them out".

As has been noted, "Friendly fire isn't!"

When the going gets tough, the tough go cyclic.

Military Intelligence is not a contradiction in terms, "Light Infantry" is!

Proximity factor: The need for relief is directly related to the distance of the relief station.

Always keep one bullet in the chamber when changing your magazine.

In peacetime people say, "War is Hell".  In combat, under fire from artillery, airplanes, or whatever, a soldier thinks, "War is really really really LOUD as Hell!!!". 

If you can think clearly, know exactly what's happening, and have total control of a situation in combat, then you're not in combat. 

When you get the coveted 1,000 yard stare, don't forget about the enemy who is 30 yards away and about to pop your ass. 

Stay away from officers in combat, they're clever decoys for noncoms. 

If you think you don't need something for your combat load for an OP PLAN, you'll probably wish you had it after the shit hits the fan in combat. 

Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

Failure of plan A will directly affect your ability to carry out plan B.

War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Lackland's Laws: 
Never be first. 
Never be last. 
Never volunteer for anythin 
An escaping soldier can be used again.

If you think you'll die, don't worry you won't. 

Near death, but still a live? There is nothing wrong with physics. God doesn't like you. 

It is better to be lucky than good in the battlefield.

If it's worth fighting for...it's worth fighting dirty for.

If god wanted boots to be comfortable he would have designed them like running shoes.

If you survive the extraordinary things, it will often be the little things that will kill you. 

Give an order, then change the order, will get you disorder.

You never have fire support in heavy firefight but you always have it on a silent recon mission

Revision to Marine Corp. Motto "If it makes sense, we won't do it".

The only thing more dangerous to you than the enemy, is your allies

Night vision - isn't


----------



## The_Falcon (9 Mar 2005)

Oh jeez, well these aren't jokes just humorous military stories

you can find them all here http://www.soupsandwich.net

Jungle School 

by Frank Rodgers 

The Discovery Channel lies. 

I'm serious. They show all those neat, cute little animals in nature and you come away thinking "How cute. They're so adorable. I just want to hug one." 

Take the sloth. The Three-toed sloth. Slowest motherfucker in the world, and looks like that guy Barney from Andy Griffith. You almost feel BAD for the guy, 'cause he can't move all that fast, he has green algae growing on him, and you think some jaguar is gonna eat him for dinner, while the sloth is too slow to escape. Yeah, the poor, poor sloth...

Bull-*******-crap. 

I was in Panama a couple years ago in Jungle School. In Panama, you get to see nature at its worst. You see huge-*** spiders that catch BIRDS and eat 'em. You see colorful little froggies that are cute, but make poison that'll kill a stadium full of Rosie O'Donnell's. You come across ants that will literally chew you up. 

But you'd THINK that the sloth is the most harmless of them all, wouldn't you?

My buddies and I are walking from one area to another, and we see one on the ground. It thinks it's going mach-3 to get away from us, but it's taking 5 minutes to go 3 inches. The thing really looks like its moving in slow motion.

My buddy Smitty decides to have a little fun. He walks up to the sloth and barely nudges it with his boot. The sloth falls over with a sound like "UGGGGG." The sloth apparently gets scared, and drops a huge turd out of its ***, but of course its in slow motion. 

Now, we're dumb-*** Rangers, so of course we laugh at this pitiful sloth laying on the ground, crapping itself. This is sport to us. Now that Smitty has an audience, and he nudges the sloth again, and again it goes "UGGGGG," and falls back over.

A Jungle School instructor happens by and sees us and our new playmate. He takes a look at Smitty and says "Don't **** with the sloth."

Yeah sure Sarn't, we'll leave him alone.

The Instructor walks away and Smitty decides to outdo himself by nudging the sloth once more, and then helping it get up on a tree limb. He moves his foot to nudge and...

SWIPE!

Wolverine berserker-style, the sloth pulls out these HUGE 4 inch claws, and quick as lightning swipes at Smitty's jungle boot.

Jungle boots are so tough, snakes can't bite through 'em, and they have metal plates underneath them incase you fall in a pungee pit. This Sloth laid WASTE to those boots. Cut 'em open to his skin, and boogied up a tree so fast, we didn't know WHAT to think. The Jungle Instructor came back and said
"Fucked with the sloth, dintcha?"

Segway* to a week later. We're doing a patrol, and set up an L-shaped ambush so that by the time the OPFOR (opposition force) gets through, so we can ambush 'em, and head out to a bar later on.

We're lying on the jungle floor, waiting like silent death. We're Rangers, we're badasses, and we OWN this motherfucker. All sorts of crap is running through my head, "Will I initiate the ambush correctly? Will the platoon see the Red Flare I shoot up to signify Cease Fire?" A myriad of thoughts, as I wait for the OPFOR to walk into our deadly jaws. 

We see their point man. He's a kid, 19 years old, walking like he's John-*******-Wayne, trying to keep noise discipline down. I look down the line, and silently give the "Enemy seen" signal. I silently count down... 3....2....1...I'm about to start firing, when all of the sudden I hear:

"BAROOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!" 

I literally crap my pants. crap IN MY PANTS.

A Gibbon ape (or some related primate) had climbed down to observe our little ambush and decided to initiate the ******* ambush himself by screaming right into my ear. 

So now we badass Rangers, we dealers of death, we GODS OF WAR...are running for our lives, trying to get away from A MONKEY who ALSO crap himself going up his tree.

And that crap landed right on me. 

So now, I have crap IN my pants and ON my Kevlar helmet.

We didn't live that one down for a looooooong time


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## George Wallace (9 Mar 2005)

Two Newfies walk into a pet shop and right away they go over to the bird section.

Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's Dem!"  The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat dere cage" says Gerry.

"Put dem in a pepper bag" says Paddy.  The clerk does, the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.


They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills.  They stop at the top of a cliff with a 500 foot drop.

"Dis look loike a grand place, eh?"  says Gerry.  

"Oh, yeh, dis looks good!" replies Paddy.

They flip a coin and Gerry win the loss.  "I get to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry.  He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.  Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down to land with a "SPLAT.

As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff, he shakes his head and says..."Fock dat, dis budgie jumping is too fockin' dangerous for me!"


A minute later, Seamus arrives.  He too has been to the pet shop and carries the familiar 'pepper bag'.  He pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in his other hand Seamus is carrying a gun.

"Hi Paddy....watch this!"  Seamus says and he immediately launches himself over the edge of the cliff.  Paddy watches as halfway down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the Parrots head off.  Seamus continues to plummet until there is a "SPLAT" as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom.  Paddy shakes his head and says, "An 'oim never troying dat Parrotshooting neider!"


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## Brando304 (10 Mar 2005)

Hey did you guys here about what happened to Laurena Bobbit? Yeah, she was killed in a car accident; some dick came and cut her off.


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## mainerjohnthomas (10 Mar 2005)

A young soldier was taking his girlfriend for drinks in the mess for the first time, and trying to explain the odd things the soldiers did.   When a couple of engineers came in, half the guys in the bar stopped what they were doing and raised a glass to them, the girlfriend asked what that was about.   The soldier replied that it was to commend the engineer's courage,   they had just come off a tour in africa disarming mines.   A few minutes later a few intense and slightly twichy infantrymen came in, and two thirds of the bar raised a glass, what was that about the girlfriend asked.   Her soldier replied "Those guys just got back from roto-0 in Afghanistan, and everyone is just showing their respect for their courage", the girlfriend nodded.   A couple of minutes later, a tired, nervous looking crew staggered in, and the whole mess jumped to its feet, raised their glasses, whistled and shouted, the crew waived acceptance and bellied up to the bar.   The girlfriend was really curious, "Who are those guys?", the boyfriend replied in hushed tones "Those guys fly S&R with the  SEA KINGS over the open ocean,, those bastards are crazy!"


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## Brando304 (10 Mar 2005)

On TV, you see the plane fly overhead and a gazillion paratroopers jump out of the plane and float lazily down to earth. It's pretty cool to watch, and is an effective way to get from point A to point B.


What you DON'T see though, is what goes on inside the bird prior to the jump.


My friend and I decided to fuck with the JM (Jumpmaster) a bit. I took an MRE (Meal, Ready-to-eat, or Meal Rejected by Everone) and pulled out the main course...ahhh--Chicken a-la-King. I also had a barf bag handy. I crushed up the entree, hid it in my shirt, and waited for the flight to get airborne. During the pre-flight inspection, my JM hadn't seen the bag of goodies I stowed. 

This was one of those BUMPY flights. I'm talking Vomet Comet from hell...that bird went uuuup and doooown...we were all a little green around the gills, I can see everyone is getting sicker and sicker, so it's time for Frank to act.

I took my barf bag out, and held it up to my face while making this noise that sounded like that kid Chunk in the Goonies, when he puked in the movie theater...


"Hoooooooaaahhhh..... Ahhhoooooooouuuughhhhhh.... BAaaarrrrrrgfffffffff"


The other jumpers see me but they bravely keep their dinner where it belongs. They figure I'm gonna puke, but if they can keep it in, they're safe. The JM gives me a nod like "You okay Ranger?" Sure Jumpmaster... A-okay...


I smell inside the barf bag and pull my head back, as if repulsed by the stench. I look around as if confused, and pull a spoon out of my pocket. I start examining the barf bag, and act like I'm contemplating what to do next.


I poise the spoon above my head, and like a dog that has come upon a fresh pile of shit, I dip my spoon in the barf bag and pull out a nice wad of crushed chicken a-la-king...and shove it in my mouth.


All around me, the look of utter disbelief descends on the faces of the other jumpers. Not one to be suppressed, I keep eating, and eating, and eating...making it as messy as I can. I have "barf" all over my mouth, my shirt, the floor. I am chewing with my mouth open so they can see it roll around. 

The guy next to me is staring wide eyed, about to vomit. I decide to push him over the edge. I put a huge piece of "vomit" in my mouth and yell at him, "RANGER'S LEAD THE WAY," as I spew it all over his face.


He can't take it any more. He rears back and vomits all over the guy in front of him. The guy in front of him pukes on HIMSELF, and on down the line. I feel like that guy on "Stand By Me," Lard ass, who made the Barf-o-rama happen.


By this time, there are so many people puking that the JM doesn't notice the two minute warning. The floor is awash in vomit and the place stinks like a sack full of assholes. It gets so bad I'm nearly getting sick.


Finally, the JM gives the jump commands... "Stand UP... HOOK UP... SOUND OFF FOR EQUIPMENT CHECK... " 

Now NORMALLY, the guys in the jump line would be tapping each other going "10 OKAY....9 OKAY...8 OKAY... all the way up to the front, where the last guy says "ALL OKAY JUMPMASTER!!!"


It didn't quite go that way.


"10...BARRRFFF...."
"9...BARRRRFFFFF...."
"8...BARRRFFFFF....."
"7...BARRRFFFFF..."
"6 OKAY ( I was number 6)..."
"5...BARRRFFFF..."
"4...BARRRFFFF..."


And so on, until #1 throws up ON the Jump Master. He's had it, so he forces us out the bird. Roaring, puke-filled plane to blissful serenity under a 'chute.


Unfortunately, everyone's testicles take a nasty shock from he opening of the canopy, and they keep puking. All of a sudden, I have barf on my canopy, and it's trickling and dripping on me. My plan backfires, and I start retching too...and then BAM, I'm puking all over the canopy below me.


On the ground, folks are trying to find the asshole who started it all, and being the good Ranger I am, I 'm trying to find the scumbag too. Needless to say, he wasn't found. The Crew Chief of the bird we jumped flat-out told us that we were NEVER to ride in his bird again.


Hey, if he can't take a joke, fuck him. Right?


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## Thompson_JM (10 Mar 2005)

it certainly did when the ranger from www.soupsandwich.net did it.


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## PPCLI MCpl (10 Mar 2005)

I think the funniest thing I have read in this thread is the existence of a website called "soup sandwich."

What's next, www.bagofhammers.com?


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## George Wallace (15 Mar 2005)

Fresh off the net.....



Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA-ABC Television) did a story on gender 
roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She 
noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. From Ms. Walters vantage point, despite the overthrow 
of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further 
back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do 
you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to
change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes and without hesitation,
said "Land mines."

MORAL OF THE STORY -: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN!!


 ;D


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## davidk (16 Mar 2005)

One of my own...not told to me, but someone in my section.

You are not permitted to fill your canteen with Kahlua, even if you file off the "Water Only" label.


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## Sgt.Fitzpatrick (16 Mar 2005)

22. Must never call an SAS a â Å“Wankerâ ?. 31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post. 

53. Not allowed to quote â Å“Full Metal Jacket â Å“ at the rifle range

I've the FMJ quote a lot in cadets.

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


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## Riobeard (16 Mar 2005)

Read first then look at photo attachment

Tired of speeding tickets? Want to open up spaces between 
you and the cars around you?  

Step 1. Tie these balloons to your car 
Step 2. Drive VERY FAST  
Step 3. Watch people freak out. 
Step 4. Tell the nice officer you thought they were real.


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## nurse sarah (17 Mar 2005)

EME Monkey

 A tourist visiting Newfoundland walked into a pet shop and  was looking at the animals on display. While he was  there, a  Canadian Soldier walked in and said to the  shopkeeper,   "I'll take the EME monkey, please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side  of the shop and took out a  monkey. He fit it with a  collar and leash, handed it to the Soldier saying, "That'll be $1,000."  The Soldier paid and walked outwith his monkey.

 Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and  said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them  are only a few hundred dollars.  Why did it cost so  much?"   The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey is an expert with all small arms, can fix any maner of vehicle, and is certified in Small Unit Tactics--- well  worth  the money!"

 "The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That  one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a certified Corporal EME  monkey; it can instruct other monkeys in Basic Firearms Skills, Counter Terrorism, Training, Physical Training, Small UnitTactics, Advanced Mechanical Techniques, and  even Type. All the really useful stuff," said  the  shopkeeper.

 The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a  third monkey in a large cage of its own. The price tag  around its neck read $70,000.  He gasped to the  shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others  put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied,  "Well, I haven't actually seen  it do anything more then yell at the other monkeys for no apparent reason, Throw feces, and drink coffee, but it says it's a Warrant Officer."


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## Gunner (20 Apr 2005)

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

5. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My
dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well, says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

15. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top
shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

17. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too..

19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

20. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"


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## Jonny Boy (20 Apr 2005)

whats blue and fluffy?   blue fluff


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## Sheerin (21 Apr 2005)

So a man rushes into a vets office carrying in his arms his limp dog.
The vet takes one look at the poor animal and says "I'm sorry sir, but your dog is dead". 
The man doesn't accept this and demands a second opinion, so the vet goes into the back room and comes out with a Labrador retriever.  Labrador sniffs the man's dog and barks once.  "I'm sorry," the vet goes on "But I still believe your dog is dead."  The man, now utterly distraught demands another opinion.  So the vet goes back into the backroom and returns with a small cat.  The cat proceeds to sniff the dog and after a moment meows once.  "Again, I'm sorry sir", the vet says as he takes the cat back "But your dog is dead... you can leave him here and we'll take care of her."  So the man places the dog on the table, and says his tearful goodbye.  He goes out to the front desk where the vet hands him a bill for $1000, the man becomes irate and demands why he must pay a thousand dollars just to be told his dog is dead. The vet replies with "$50 for my assessment and $950 for both the lab work and the cat scan".  

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?  
because he had no body to go with.

And for the chemist and physicists out there...

So one day Werner Heisenberg is out for a drive, and unfortunately speeds right through a radar trap without realizing.
So the cop pulls him over and walks up to driver's side window and says "Excuse me sir, but did you know how fast you were going?"  To which Heisenberg responds "No, but I knew where I was!"


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## pronto (21 Apr 2005)

Sorry - 48 Highlander - it is Chemistry too. once you get into P-chem, it's all basically the same.  > Heisenberg, quantum, and applications in chem is taught in 3yr year chem. (I know 'cause I have taught it to them).

Nice joke too!

A Physicist, a Biologist, and a Statistician see two people enter a house, and then after some time, they see three people leave the house. The Physicist concludes, "My initial observation must have been incorrect." The Biologist concludes, "Clearly, the two reproduced..." The Statistician concludes, "Well, if one more person enters the house, then there will be no-one in the house!" - heh heh


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## Uberman (21 Apr 2005)

A lawyer, a Buddist and a Rabbi find themselves the only survivers of a horrible plane crash in the middle of nowhere and in the dead of night. Fumbling along the landscape they notice a dim light shimmering in the distance. Upon nearing the light they recognize it as being the proberbial farmhouse. They knock on the front door and the farmer lets them in. Unfortunately, there are only two spare single beds so one of the trio is going to have to sleep in the barn. Also unfortunately, there is no proverbial farmer's daughter. In the spirit of giving, the Buddist offers to stay in the barn for the remainder of the night. Obviouly the other two think this is a great idea. Ten minutes after the Buddist leaves, there is a knock on the door. The farmer opens the door to find the Buddist. The Buddist states there are cows in the barn - in his religion cows are sacred - sleeping in the same quarters would not be permitted. The Rabbi, recognizing the strength of the the Buddists convictions promptly offers to sleep in the barn. Again, ten minutes after the Rabbi leaves there is a knock on the door. The farmer opens the door to find the Rabbi standing there. The Rabbi states there are pigs in the barn and sleeping in the same quarters as pigs would not be permitted. Begrudgingly, the lawyer says he will sleep in the barn so the other two can maintain peace with thier god. Ten minutes after the lawyer leaves there is the familiar knock on the door. The Farmer opens the door to find the farm animals standing there looking extremely pissed.


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## ab136 (21 Apr 2005)

A guy goes into a doctors office with a frog on his head.  The doctor says, "what can I do for you?"  The frog says, "I don't know...it started out as a bump on my *ss!"


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## Island Ryhno (21 Apr 2005)

Two locals from here on the rock get laid off and go to the unemployment office. The first guy Tom goes in and the clerk says "what do you do for a living?" Tom says, "I fold womans underwear as they come off the line" The clerk says "Ok manual labour, unskilled here's a cheque for $150 per week" the second guy Bill goes in and the clerks says "what do you do for a living?" Bill says "diesel fitter" to which the clerk says, "that's a good trade, here's a cheque for $300 per week" so Tom and Bill compare cheques and when Tom finds out how much Bill is getting he gets pissed, back he goe's to the clerk "why did you give Bill way more than me?" the clerk says "he is a skilled technician, a tradesman, a diesel fitter" Skilled my arse Tom says, "when the underwear comes off the line Bill holds them up and say's These'll fit 'er"


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## TCBF (21 Apr 2005)

Little Johnny sits on a park bench and eats six chocolat bars, one after another.  An older gentleman, observing this, chides Johnny for his poor dietary decision.  "Well" says Johnny, "my Grandpaw just died, and he was 104 years old."  

"And did he live to be that old by eating six chocolat bars ay once?" asked the man.  

"No," said little Johnny, "he lived to be that old by minding his own *&@#$*% business."


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## Korus (21 Apr 2005)

Second year engineering math class, where we get to relearn the past 2 years of calculus, but with imaginary numbers, our math prof tells us this joke:

A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to a western country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft. He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!!!!" The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple pole in a complex plane."


I guess you have to know imaginary calculus to get that one..


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## stukirkpatrick (21 Apr 2005)

Heres one that every military person is sure to get  ;D

After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired.   He told the circus owner he was going to retire.  "You Can't!!!" protested the boss.  "Where am I going to find another man of your calibre?"


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## Foxhound (21 Apr 2005)

A young engineer is walking along by a pond in the park when he hears a voice down in the reeds.  â Å“Psssst!â ? says the voice, â Å“Look down here!â ?  The engineer looks around and spots a frog.  â Å“Hi!â ? says the frog.  â Å“I'm not really a frog, but a beautiful princess who has been turned into a frog by an evil sorcerer.  Kiss me and I'll turn back into a princess and I'll be ever so grateful.â ?  The engineer bends down, picks up the frog and puts it into his pocket and continues on his walk.  â Å“HEY!â ? shouts the frog.  â Å“Didn't you hear me?  I need to be turned back into a princess!â ?  The engineer reaches into his pocket, takes out the frog who says, â Å“Look, it's simple, kiss me so I can turn into a beautiful princess and I'll ... be your girlfriend!â ?  The engineer smiles at the frog for a minute, and puts her back into his pocket.  â Å“I'll do better!â ? shouts the frog.  â Å“I'll m-marry you, I'll be yours forever just kiss me so I can be myself again!â ?  The engineer takes the frog out again, looks at her and says, â Å“Geez frog, I dunno.  I'm an enginner you see, so I don't know much about girls and such, but a talking frog is way cool!â ?


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## Lexi (21 Apr 2005)

(Another Little Johnny joke.)

So little johnny was sitting behind this girl in school who always fell asleep. During a religion lesson, the little girl fell asleep. The teacher asked her, "Who created the Earth?"

Little Johnny, being a trouble maker, pokes the girl with a pin. She jolts awake and hollers "GOD!"
"Very good," says the teacher. So then the little girl falls asleep again, and the teacher asks her yet another question. "Who died on the cross?"
Johnny pokes the girl with the pin yet again. "Jesus Christ!" she exclaimed, and was yet again praised by her teacher.
The little girl falls asleep once more, and is asked yet another question. "What did Eve say to Adam after their 17th child?" Johnny pokes the little girl with the pin, who wakes up and turns around...

"SWEAR TO GOD, you poke me with that thing ONE MORE TIME, I'll RIP YOUR BALLS OFF!"


----------



## I_am_John_Galt (21 Apr 2005)

*Guts vs. Bravery*

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, _"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"_

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, _"You're next! ! ! "_

(sorry!)  :-[


----------



## alan_li_13 (22 Apr 2005)

> Sorry - 48 Highlander - it is Chemistry too. once you get into P-chem, it's all basically the same.   Heisenberg, quantum, and applications in chem is taught in 3yr year chem. (I know 'cause I have taught it to them).
> 
> Nice joke too!


Heisenberg, Einstein, and the other fellas are touched upon in Gr. 12 high school Chem.
lol, awsome joke, earned me a few bonus marks from my Chem teacher. 

I got one.

Little Johnny goes fishing with Gramps. As they're sitting there, Gramps takes out a flask of wiskey and takes a sip. Johnny asks: "Hey gramps, can i have a sip?" In response, Gramps asks: "can you touch your d*** to your a**?" Johnny says no. "Well Johnny, that means you're too young." 
Later, Gramps takes out a cigar and starts smoking. Again, Johnny asks: "Hey, can i have a puff?" Again, Gramps asks, "can you touch your d*** to your a**?" again, Johnny says no. "Well Johnny, that means you're too young."
Then Little Johnny takes out a bag of cookie. Gramps looks on as he eats one. Then Gramps asks: "Hey Johnny, care to give your gramps a cookie?" Johnny replys: "Can you touch your d*** to your a**?" Gramps answers "Hell yeah!" 
Then Johnny replys: "Then GO F*** YOURSELF!!!"


----------



## Glorified Ape (23 Apr 2005)

13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

For some reason this one had me cracking up. I swear I heard it said in a "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" voice when I read it.


----------



## vangemeren (23 Apr 2005)

I thought this one would fit in this category. I remember reading this one awhile back from one of the joke threads:

Two greyhounds are sitting at a bar, discussing the race that one of them just won. The winner of the race was sad, and his buddy asked him whats wrong. He replied "Well... I know I should be happy because I won the race.. but I didn't win because of my superior ability, I won because something shocked me in the ***!" His buddy looks perplexed, and asks him to explain. The winning greyhound says "Well, I don't know how to explain it, but I was on the inside lane chasing that rabbit, and every now and again, I would get a shock in the ***, which propelled me to the front of the pack."

Across the bar a horse was listening in to thier conversation and interupts the two greyhounds "Excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear you... and that exact same thing happened to me yesterday!" The two greyhounds look at each other for a few moments... and one says "Oh my God.... a talking horse."

Thanks Goober
http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/28785/post-125655.html#msg125655

p.s maybe we could consolidate all of the joke threads together (or just this one with 
the one here) and sticky them to the top, so we don't start new threads, when it falls off the first page.


instead of like this:


----------



## Island Ryhno (25 Apr 2005)

Irish Confession 



Bless me Father, for I have sinned.  I have been with a loose woman." 
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?" 

 "Yes, Father, it is." 
 "And, who was the woman you were with?" 

  "I can't be tellin' you, Father.  I don't want to ruin 
her reputation." 

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so 
  you may as well tell  me now.  Was it Brenda O'Malley?" 

"I'll never tell." 

 "Was it Lizzy Shannon?" 

"I'm sorry, but I can't name her." 

"Was it Cathy Morgan?" 

"My lips are sealed." 

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?" 

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you." 

The priest sighs in frustration.  "You're a steadfast 
lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that.  But 
you've sinned, and you must atone.  You cannot attend 
church mass for three months.  Be off with you now." 

Tommy walks back to his pew.  His friend Sean slides over and whispers,  "What'd you get?" 
"Three month's vacation and five good leads!"


----------



## ab136 (18 Jul 2005)

Here is a three I pick-up on the week-end.

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One cannibal say to the other,"does this meat taste funny?"

A guy walks into a doctors office with a frog on his head.  The doctor says, "what's going on here?".  The frog says, "I don't know it started out as a bump on my a$$".

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey.....why the long face?"

Hope they weren't toooooo painful :-\


----------



## Old Ranger (19 Jul 2005)

Driving with my Wife, we pass a Field of cows;

She sais "Doesn't it mean it's going to rain when cows are lying down"?

...."Yes dear" :

"But only half are lying down, What does that mean"?

"50% chance of rain" ;D


----------



## Korus (19 Jul 2005)

Two guys walk into a bar... ouch.

So this baby seal walks into a club.


----------



## Fishbone Jones (19 Jul 2005)

This is like deja vu all over again.

OK, it belongs to Yogi Berra


----------



## Korus (19 Jul 2005)

I can't take credit, ab136.. I heard it somewhere else.

It goes well with the hoodie some of my friends got me for my birthday...



*note* Roko does not actually condone the clubbing of baby seals.


----------



## ab136 (19 Jul 2005)

OK how about a joke.

A guy was reading a newspaper and noticed an ad regarding a talking dog for sale.  The guy went to the address and talked to the owner. The owner said 
Yeah I have a talking dog...big deal.
Well how much do you want for him
$200
Well where is he I want to check him out.
He's out back but it won't do ya much good talking to him...

So the guy goes to the backyard and meets the dog
So your the talking dog
Yeah
Well what's you story
Well I use to be a spy.  I worked for the government.  I was sent into enemy territory and nobody even noticed me.  People talked around                                  me all the time I would collect information and report back to the government on what I heard.  It was a pretty good job.  But the travel got to me...you know being away from the wife and kids so much.  So one day I just said I quit.  And here I am today. Retired.
Wow. Thats quite a story.

So the guy goes to see the owner.  
Well $200 for the dog...it that right.
Yeah I'll take $200....but I don't see the big deal.....That dog is a liar.


----------



## Rebel_RN (19 Jul 2005)

90 year old man sitting in his car on the side of the road bawling his eye's out, police officer sees this and decides to see what's wrong. Cop asks the old man if everything is ok and the old man replies, 
" I just married the most beautiful 20 year old, she looks like a goddess, she can cook better then my own mother could and the marital relations are fanfreakintastic" 
the cop Say's "so what's the problem then?" 
old man wails hysterically " I can't remember where I live"


----------



## X Royal (19 Jul 2005)

Sgt: Where the f**k are you from Pte.

Pte: *****town

Sgt: *Hollycrap*- I was there once *it was closed*


----------



## familyman (19 Jul 2005)

woman love cats,,,,,men love cats,,,,,but when women arent looking,men kick them.


----------



## familyman (19 Jul 2005)

whats a mixed feeling?????when your mother in-law is driving your car off a clif :


----------



## familyman (20 Jul 2005)

so what is the speed of dark :       the difference between inlaws and outlaws is outlaws are wanted ; :-\


----------



## ARMY ISSUE (20 Jul 2005)

OK you'll like this one, and its clean enough for sensitive ears.
Police officer pulls a married couple over,
Officer: Did you know you were speeding 
Man: No sorry sir had't realized...
Wife : I told him he was going to fast officer
Officer: Your brake light is out too sir 
Man: Sorry I didn't know It just happened...
Wife: I told you 2 weeks ago to fix it you just..
Man to wife: SHUT UP ARE YOU TRYING TO GET ME ARRESTED?
Officer: Ma'am does he always speak to you like this?
Wife : No ,  only when he's drunk.


----------



## 48Highlander (4 Aug 2005)

Slim said:
			
		

> i just think that this "my pa can beat up yours"stuff is ridiculous.



Absolutely!  Besides, it'd probably go something more like this:

Canadian Commanding Officer: Get out of our waters, eh.
Danish Commanding Officer: These aren't your waters, and that's our island.
C: Is not. Don't make us do anything you'll regret, eh.
D: We're asserting our sovereign rights.
C: Not in our waters you're not. This is Canada, eh.
D: (To his XO) Why does he keep saying "Eh"?
Danish XO: It's a linguistic affectation. Kind of like how the Swedes speak when they get pisstank drunk.
C: Move that boat or we'll open fire, eh.
D: You wouldn't dare.
C: (To his WCO) Fire a shot across their bow.

(BOOM) (SPLOOSH)

D: Luderbarn! Return the favour!
D XO: Sorry, sir. The forty shells we have are the wrong calibre for the gun.
D: Captain of Canadian Navy Frigate, we will protest this to the highest levels!
C: Take that, eh.
D: What now?

.....(silence)....

D: Hello?
C: Yeah. Listen, this isn't going to work.
D: We can't return fire. What are you complaining about?
C: That was our only shell.
D: Ahh. An impasse?
C: Yeah. Want to come over for a Double Double?
D: I'll bring the Danishes, eh.


----------



## T.I.M. (4 Aug 2005)

Something we have posted on the OPs map near Hans Island. . .

 ;D


----------



## BDG.CalgHighrs (5 Aug 2005)

It's funny because at present Canadian arctic sovereignty is a joke. Traditionally one can only claim sovereignty over an area in which they can ensure it. Although more modern definitions tend to respect a claim to territory that has traditionally been held by a power, the reality is this; if you can't keep it, you can't keep it. While Hans Island is basically a joke the Danish claim in this case has more to do with shelf rights than anything else. Elsmere is on the same shelf and could potentially come under dispute on the same grounds. I guess what I am trying to say is that although it is tempting to look at this as an amusing little argument; I am somewhat less than amused. This probably should be taken more seriously, at least by our government


----------



## Pfc_Norup (10 Aug 2005)

Behold the mighty Danish fleet sailing for Hans island  ;D
http://www.vaabenskjolde.dk/BillederUdePaaSiden/Kuttere/TULU.jpg


----------



## IcEPiCk (14 Aug 2005)

This is a joke I found earlier today. 



> US Navy vs Canada
> 
> 
> This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio
> ...


----------



## kincanucks (14 Aug 2005)

:boring: :boring: :boring: :boring: :boring: :boring: :boring: :boring:

http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/23653.0.html

http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/25346.0.html

http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/4098.0.html


I believe this joke started with a Scandinavia country vs the US.


----------



## Sheerin (7 Oct 2005)

A crusty old Navy Petty Officer found himself at a gala event hosted  by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely  young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the WO for some conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is  something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the PO replied, "Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his chest filled with campaign ribbons and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The PO's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The old PO just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The Sailor looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you are! You really need to chill out and  quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!
Isn't that a little extreme?"
The PO, with a quick glance his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Don't think so ma'am...... It's only 2130 now."


----------



## reccecrewman (16 Oct 2005)

A crusty old Sergeant Major from the Royal Newfoundland Regiment in full dress uniform entered a drugstore and marched up to the pharmacists station in the back.  The pharmacist looked up and asked "Can I help you?" The old CSM said yes and dug into his tunic pocket and produced one very used condom with several holes and crust all over it. "How much to have this repaired?" The pharmacist took a look at it and said "90 cents".  "I see................ and how much for a brand new one alltogether?" "Well, that'll be a buck thirty".  "Thanks for your time b'y" and he marched back out of the store.  The pharmacist shook his head and went back to work when all of a sudden he heard a great cheer erupt outside his store. As he was wondering what the **** that was all about, an even louder cheer erupted outside the store.  Just then the CSM re-entered the store and marched back up to the pharmacists counter. He tossed the old condom on the counter and proclaimed "You can throw that one out b'y! The Company has spoken................. We're going to spring for a new one!"


----------



## Thompson_JM (16 Oct 2005)

Oldie but a goodie.... and i know its been posted here before....



Capt: Seargant Major. Are the Troops happy?

CSM: Yes Sir!

Capt: Well Fuck em About then!


----------



## Warvstar (1 Nov 2005)

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ''My friend is dead! What can I do?'' The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: ''Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, ''OK, now what?


----------



## Sig_Des (3 Nov 2005)

Guy walks into a bar wearing seran wrap underwear. Bartender says, I can clearly see you're nuts


----------



## nsmedicman (3 Nov 2005)

A rabid dog and a politician are lying dead in the street. How can you tell the difference?






There are skid marks in front of the rabid dog.


----------



## geo (3 Nov 2005)

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was  enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.                                                        
                                                                            
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.                        

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, bur I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going  to  help me."
                                                                            
 "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.                           
                                                                            
 So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. Heheld the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he  paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his  other hand.                                                                
                                                                            
This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, Newcastle and anywhere in Wales.


----------



## Wolfe (4 Nov 2005)

Understanding the Chain of Command Orders


A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it." 

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:

"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years." 

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT: 

"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years." 

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT: 

"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area." 

SERGEANT TO SQUAD: 

"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."


Wolf  ;D


----------



## meg (4 Nov 2005)

Siavash was being interviewed for his American citizenship.  The interview seemed to be going well, and Siavash was feeling rather confident.

The immigrations officer said, "Okay, there's just one more question.  If you can do this, you'll get your US Citizenship.  You need to make up a sentence using 'green', 'pink', and 'yellow'.  Take all the time you need."

Siavash thought very hard for a minute, and said, "The telephone goes 'green, green, green', I pink it up, and say 'Yellow, this is Siavash'."

Siavash is now working at a call centre for Mastercard.


----------



## 3rd Herd (5 Nov 2005)

Found this in the believe it or not file

This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy
aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities
off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio
conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on
10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.) 

Canadians:  Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid collision. 

Americans:  Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision. 

Canadians:  Negative.  You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision. 

Americans:  This is the Captain of a US Navy ship.  I say again,
divert YOUR course. 

Canadians:  No, I say again, you divert YOUR course. 

Americans:  THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET.  WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE  DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT  VESSELS.  I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15  DEGREES
NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. 

Canadians:  This is a lighthouse.  Your call.


----------



## geo (5 Nov 2005)

A Navy Commanding Officer sent this.         

To: All Commands

Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts

Ref: ComMidEastFor Inst 16134//24 K

1. All commanders promulgate upon receipt.

2. The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base  by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:

   "Eat Pork Or Die" [both English and Arabic versions]

   "Shrine Busters"  [Various.  Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines.  Some with unit logos.]

   "Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy" [Both English and Arabic versions]

   "Goat  - it isn't just for breakfast any more." [Both English and Arabic versions]

   "The road to Paradise begins with me."  [Mostly Arabic versions but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs]

   "Guns don't kill people.  I kill people."  [Both Arabic and English versions]

   "Pork.  The other white meat.'  [Arabic version]

   "Infidel" [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]

3. The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of
this directive.

4. The following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:

       "Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range At 0800 Daily."

       "Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?"

5.  All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.


----------



## geo (5 Nov 2005)

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing of one letter, and supply a new definition.  Here are this year's {2005} winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


----------



## geo (5 Nov 2005)

On the day of the wedding, Camilla was getting dressed, surrounded by all
 her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes.

 Panic!

 Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her own
 wedding so she lent them to Camilla for the day. Unfortunately they were a
 bit too small, and by the time the festivities were over, her feet were in agony.

 That night when she and Charles withdrew to their room the first thing
 Camilla wanted to do was to take her shoes off. The rest of the Royal Family
 crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they
 expected - grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.
 Eventually, they heard Charles say 'God, that was tight.'

 'There' whispered The Queen. 'I told you, with a face like that she HAD to
 be a virgin!'

 Then, to their surprise, they heard Charles say 'Right. Now for the other
 one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Charles said: 'My
 God. That was even tighter!".

'That's my boy' said the Duke of Edinburgh.
 'Once a sailor, always a sailor!"


----------



## Wolfe (5 Nov 2005)

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.
The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer!
Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy
back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced
colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys,
"Yours is."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two army rules: 

#1.The commanding officer is always right.
#2.If the commanding officer is not right, see #1.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RANK RECOGNITION MADE EASY

General
Faster than a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Walks on water.
Lunches with God, but must pick up tab. 

Colonel

Almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline.
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks to God. 

Lieutenant-Colonel

Faster than an energetically thrown rock.
Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet.
Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds.
Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present.
May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least three working days in advance. 

Major

Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy.
Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical.
Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing. 

Captain

Can sometimes handle firearm without shooting self.
Is run over by trains.
Barely clears outhouse.
Dog paddles.
Mumbles to self. 

Lieutenant

Is dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised.
Recognizes trains two out of three times.
Runs into tall buildings.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and water wings.
Talks to walls. 

2nd Lieutenant

Can be trusted with either gun or ammunition but never both.
Must have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to sleeves.
Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings.
Plays in Mud puddles.
Studders. 

Officer Cadet

Under no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and must even be closely supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are right out.
Says: "Look at choo choo!"
Not allowed inside buildings of any size.
Makes good boat anchor.
Mere existence makes God shudder. 

Sergeant-Major

Catches hyper sonic armour peircing fin stabilized discarding sabot depleted uranium long rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them.
Kicks bullet trains off their tracks.
Uproots tall buildings and walk under them.
Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture. 

Is God. 

Wolf  ;D


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## Bubblez (5 Nov 2005)

USMC Answering Machine message 
Thank you for calling the United States Marine Corps. 

I am sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment or are otherwise engaged. 

Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, the region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you back. 

As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraqi, Korea, China, the Y2K bug, marching up and down the streets of Washington DC and compulsory consideration of others training. we will return your call. Please speak after the tone or if you require more options please listen to the following numbers. 

If you crisis is small, simple and close to sea press 1 for the United States Army 

If your concern is distant with a temperate climate and good hotels and can be solved by one or two low risk high altitude bombing runs, please press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note that this service is not available after 1630 hours or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding. 

If your inquiry concerns a situation, which can be resolved by a bit of gray funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band please write well in advance to the United States Navy. Please note that the Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first come first serve basis. 

If your inquiry is not urgent please press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force. 

If you are in real hot trouble please press 4 and your call will be routed to Headquarters, United States Marine Corps. Please note that a compulsory credit check will be required to ensure that you can afford the inherent TAD cost. Also be aware that HQ Marine Corps may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why as it will be classified. 

If you are interested in joining the Marine Corps, and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family put in a condemned hut miles from civilization, are prepared to work your butt off daily risking your life in all weather and terrain both day and night and while watching Congress erode your original benefits package then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter passed over Marine Corps recruiter in old run strip mall down by the Good Will office. 

Thank you for contacting the United States Marine Corps. 


LOLOLOL!!!


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## 3rd Herd (29 Jan 2006)

Mods feel free to move this:
​Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations  

Friendly fire - isn't. 
Recoilless rifles - aren't. 
Suppressive fires - won't. 
You are not Superman (Marines and fighter pilots take note). 
A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down. 
If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid. 
Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you. 
If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike. 
The enemy attacks on two occasions: when he's ready and when your not 
If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short 
All 5 second grenade fuses burn down in 3 seconds 
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. 
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.* 
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder. 
If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush. 
The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack. 
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready. & when you're not. 
No OPLAN ever survives initial contact. 
There is no such thing as a perfect plan. 
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole. 
A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping. 
The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard. 
The easy way is always mined. 
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at. 
Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets. 
Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you. 
If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone. 
When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too. 
Incoming fire has the right of way. 
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. 
No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat. 
If the enemy is within range, so are you. 
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. 
Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't. 
Things that must work together, can't be carried into the field that way. 
Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support. 
Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both. 
Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing. 
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out. 
Tracers work both ways. 
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take. 
When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right. 
Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs. 
Military Intelligence is a contradiction. 
Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up. 
Weather isn’t neutral. 
If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you. 
Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground. 
The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue. 
Napalm is an area support weapon. 
Mines are equal opportunity weapons. 
B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon. 
Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone. 
The one item you need is always in short supply. 
Interchangeable parts aren't. 
It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about. 
When in doubt, empty your magazine. 
The side with the simplest uniforms wins. 
Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps. 
If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you have obviously misjudged the gravity of the situation. 
If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together. 
Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you. 
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is a Second Lieutenant with a map and compass. 
The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small. 
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap. 
There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss. 
If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy. 
You'll only remember your hand grenades when the enemy is too close to use them. 
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. 
It could be worse: It could be raining…and we could be out in it. 
So he said, "Cheer up: it could be worse!" So we cheered up. And it got worse. 
The spare batteries for the radio – whichever one your troops have been carrying – are either nearly dead or for a different radio. 
The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches above the flex mount, while a fire mission was being called in on a battalion of hostiles who know your position. 
The CO will only stick his head in your radio hooch to see if anything has come down from Division when you are listening to the AFR broadcasting the ball game. 
You will invariably be on one frequency when everyone else is on another. 
Why does your 500-watt, state-of-the-art radio not make it across 100 miles while a ham with 50 watts on the same MARS frequency can be heard from Stateside? 
Short RTOs have long whips on their radios so someone can find them when they step in deep water. 
The enemy always times his attack to the second you drop your pants in the head. 
The ammo you need NOW is on the next airdrop. 
The enemy inevitably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready and when you're not. 
Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 
If your ambush is properly set the enemy won't walk into it. 

Murphy's Supplementary Law of Military Weather Corollaries​Inclement weather always begins AFTER you've already done PT. 
A sudden downpour always occurs at the end of a summer field exercise--just in time coat all your equipment and camouflage with mud. 
The best beach weather always occurs when you are in the field wearing MOPP 4. 
There is no such thing as a blue sky during a company picnic. 
There is no such thing as a cloudy sky when your unit needs to infiltrate enemy territory. 
Road conditions are always red when it's time to convoy home. 
Motor pools are always 20 degrees warmer than the rest of the post during the summer and 50 degrees colder in the winter. 
Military training areas exist in a constant state of weather flux controlled by a Deity with a truly cruel sense of humor. How do you think we got them so cheap? 
The peak of Mt. Everest would flood if an Marine battalion was told to set up on it. 
Hell really would freeze over if someone decided to conduct a ‘tropical’ exercise there. 
The Port-a-Potty Postulate states that the likelihood of a hurricane, sandstorm, tsunami, or blizzard occurring immediately over your location is directly related to how bad you need to get to the porta-johns at the other side of the campsite in the middle of the night. 
The temperature always rises to 70 degrees AFTER you put on two layers of polypro, your bear suit, and all of your Gore-Tex. 
If you whine about the weather, someone else will always whine louder. 

Rules of the Rucksack​  

1. No matter how carefully you pack, a rucksack is always too small. 
2. No matter how small, a rucksack is always too heavy. 
3. No matter how heavy, a rucksack will never contain what you want. 
4. No matter what you need, it's always at the bottom. 

Phillip's Law ​Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places. 

Weatherwax's Postulate ​The degree to which you overreact to information will be in inverse proportion to its accuracy. 

Brintnall's Second Law​  
If you receive two contradictory orders, obey them both. 

Pavlu's Rules for Economy in Decision Papers ​1. Refute the last established recommendation. 
2. Add yours. 
3. Pass the paper on. 

Oliver's Law ​Experience is something you don't get until after you need it. 

Lackland's Laws ​1. Never be first. 
2. Never be last. 
3. Never volunteer for anything. 

Napier's Corollary ​If all else fails hide. 

Law of Supply (also known as the Law of Gifts)[/​color] 
You get the most of what you need the least. 

Hane's Law​There is no limit to how bad things can get. 


Choo


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## aesop081 (29 Jan 2006)

My law:

HE WHO PLANS EARLY......PLANS TWICE !!


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## medicineman (29 Jan 2006)

*MURPHY`S LAW OF EMERGENCY MEDICINE*

A patient`s size and weight is directly proportional to the floor of the apartment they live on and indirectly proportional the number of working elevators.

MM


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## tomahawk6 (30 Jan 2006)

Once upon a time three Air Force Officers were walking through the woods and suddenly they were standing in front of a huge, wild river. But they desperately had to get to the other side. But how, with such a raging torrent? The first Officer knelt down and prayed to the Lord: “Lord, please give me the strength to cross this river! " 

*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff* 
The Lord gave him long arms and strong legs. Now he could swim across the river. It took him about two hours and he almost drowned several times. BUT: he was successful! 

The second Officer, who observed this, prayed to the Lord and said: “Lord, please give me the strength AND the necessary tools to cross this river!” 

*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff* 
The Lord gave him a tub and he managed to cross the river despite the fact that the tub almost capsized a couple of times. 

The third Officer who observed all this knelt down and prayed: “Lord, please give me the strength, the means and the intelligence to cross this river!” 

*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff* 
The Lord converted the Officer into a Sergeant. The Sergeant took a quick glance on the map, walked a few meters upstream and crossed the bridge.


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## projectile (2 Feb 2006)

7% of women say online dating is a good way to find a relationship.
The other 93% are still missing


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## tomahawk6 (5 Feb 2006)

The young ensign 

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel. 

The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. 
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way."


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## parkie (4 Mar 2006)

An internet technician decides to join the army and  puts in for sniper training.the first day on the range he's asked to fire six shots, not one hits the target, ; his range instructor radio's him,DID YOU FIRE SIX SHOTS, yes sir i did he replies  WELL NOT ONE OF YOUR SHOTS HIT THE DAMN TARGET  the instructor bellows at him ! the tech wonders to himself then places his finger over the end of the barrel and pulls the trigger promptly blowing his finger off, he yells over the radio THEIR LEAVING HERE FINE, THE TROUBLE MUST BE AT YOUR END,


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## armyrules (12 Mar 2006)

Hey all I found this joke online and I hope you find it as funny as I did:


A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.


"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."


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## Pearson (13 Mar 2006)

Subject:
>
>
>             This is creepy!
>
>             Think of a letter between
>
>             A and W.
>
>                                  .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             Repeat it
>
>             out loud as
>
>             you scroll down.
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             Keep going ............................ . .
>
>             Don't stop . ...
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
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>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             Think of an
>
>             animal
>
>             that begins
>
>             with that letter.
>
>             .
>
>             .
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>             .
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>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             Repeat it
>
>             out loud
>
>             as you
>
>             scroll down.
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             Think of
>
>             either a man's/woman's
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>             name
>
>             that
>
>             begins
>
>             with the
>
>             last letter
>
>             in the
>
>             animals name
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             Almost
>
>             there........
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             Now
>
>             count out
>
>             the letters
>
>             in that name
>
>             on the fingers
>
>             of the hand
>
>             you are not
>
>             using to
>
>             scroll down.
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             Take the
>
>             hand you
>
>             counted with
>
>             and hold it out
>
>             in front of you
>
>             at face level
>
>             .
>
>             .
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>             .
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>             .
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>             .
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>             .
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>             .
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>             Look at your
>
>             palm
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>             very closely
>
>             and
>
>             notice
>
>             the
>
>             lines
>
>             in
>
>             your
>
>             hand
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             Do the lines
>
>             take the
>
>             form of the
>
>             first letter
>
>             in the
>
>             persons name?
>
>             .
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>             .
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>             .
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>             .
>
>             .
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>             .
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>             .
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>             .
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>             .
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>             . Of course they *****ing dont.......
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .
>
>             .Now smack
>
>             yourself in the head, get a life,
>
>             and
>
>             quit playing
>
>             stupid
>
>             e-mail games!


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## muffin (23 Mar 2006)

Definition of an Irish husband:
    He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
    Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves
    is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
    "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
    Answer - So the English can understand them.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    Reilly went to trial for armed robbery.
    The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
    "That's grand!" shouted Reilly.  "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
    Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantelpiece?"
    "No," said himself, "but I'm getting' closer all the time."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
    A. A bachelor.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning.  I can't break her of it.
    Keenan:  What on earth is she doin' at that time?
    Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home ..
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.  "Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
    "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
    "No, damnit!  This is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    "O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
    "It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    My mother wanted me to be a priest.
    Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?


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## Springroll (30 Mar 2006)

George Bush was in the Oval Office, when his telephone rang...

"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up 
'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, ey?  
I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you,  ey!"

"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news!  How big is 
your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is  myself, me 
cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart  team  from 
the pub. That makes eight!"

George paused. "I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in my 
army waiting to move on my command."

"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Bush, the  war is still 
on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?", George asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have  16,000 tanks 
and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I've  increased my army to 
One and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye", said Archie, "I'll be getting  back  to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush,  the war is 
still on! We have anaged to git ourselves airborne! We up  an' modified 
Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and Four 
byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"

George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you 
Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My Military 
complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. 
And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO  MILLION!"

"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie, "I'll have ta call yous back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush!  I am Sorry 
to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of  heart?"

"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat 
over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no  way we  can feed 
two million prisoners."


CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!


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## Pearson (16 Apr 2006)

Another of those emails, but worth the read.

LETTER FROM AN IOWA FARM KID,
(NOW AT CAMP PENDLETON DOING MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)

Dear Mom and Pop,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Graffender by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. 
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 A.M. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. 

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. 
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. 
   
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. 
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. 
    
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Harklau boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Bub Vote from over in Hardy. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.


Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

  

Your loving daughter,

Carol


----------



## Centurian1985 (26 Apr 2006)

Actually Ive never seem the appendix to skippys list before so thanks despite your having disobeyed regs. 

Ref the unofficial principles of leadership, I havent seen them before, and they did not come up on an internet search nor on the Army.ca search, so if you got'em postem, or at least give us the email address.

For a new contribution, I havent seen any references to the material at Despair Inc - some hilarious sarcasm on popular 'motivational slogons'!
Read more on the art of demotivation at http://www.despair.com

Sample:


----------



## Pearson (27 Apr 2006)

Pte D. Krystal said:
			
		

> Frankie, not only did someone already post the link to what you've got here (http://www.skippyslist.com/skippyfriends.html) but someone else was just _told_ to link instead of posting such ridiculously long lists, no matter how funny you may think they are.



My apologies, however, when I searched skippy, nothing came up pointing to the amendments. When I saw the list, there was no link, and there were some I had to edit for..shall we say questionable content. 

Now back to the humour.

etc etc etc ad nausem   :

One that Zipperhead cop might like. 

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" was his thought, as he flew down I-75,  pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up with him.  

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.


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## Trinity (29 May 2006)

Hamster revenge attack
From:
From correspondents in Washington

Not reproduced under the fair trade dealings... blah blah whatever.....





http://www.news.com.au/story/0,10117,19216616-13762,00.html?from=rss
May 22, 2006


A PRACTICAL joker in the US got his comeuppance when his long-suffering friends turned his apartment into a hamster cage including a 1.8m exercise wheel and a giant water bottle.
Luke Trerice, 28, had annoyed his friends over the years with stunts such as encasing one friend's entire flat in tin foil and wrapping up each individual possession.

The friend, Chris Kirk, started planning his revenge immediately and enlisted Trerice's friends to help.

The hamster materials cost $US300 ($400), but the job took eight people 100 hours each.


Trerice says he is going to keep the wheel, and is already planning a counter-attack.


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## joonrooj (8 Jun 2006)

This seemed the best place for it, a friend sent this to me in an email, he told me he got it off a site, but didn't tell me which, multiple people on different forums take credit for it so I will leave it uncredited. enjoy.

"As I was leaving my house for the 7-11, I stuffed my Glock 10mm "man gun" Mexican style in my pants. My backup is a fully customized 1911 with all the IPSC add-on options in my $500.00 leather pancake holster custom made by Belgian Monks who have devoted their lives to silence and holster making. These are the ones used by Delta, which I used to be a part of but all records of my activities were destroyed in a fire "accident".

I put on my Royal Robbins photographer vest to match my pants while wearing a T-Shirt underneath reading "RANGER." That way, nobody can see what I'm packing. I had my Centennial .38 Special in my ankle holster, just like the gun rag guys carry. Lastly I had my "Covert Sniper" I.D. Card in my wallet with my "Concealed Weapons Permit Badge".

I was ready for anything.

I drove my "bug-out truck" to the 7-11 for some beer, 'cause you never know. It is a performance-styled Subaru BRAT with 4 cylinders of ground pounding fury.

I pull up to the 7-11 store and notice a nervous looking girl scout eyeballing me from the back of her mother's SUV. A likely cover. The mother returned to the truck and went for the keys in her purse, but I knew from my years of combat-honed instincts that she was actually making a furtive movement for an offensive weapon. I attempted a tactical shoulder roll, but fell flat on my face, kind of flopping on the pavement to avoid any incoming rounds and to make it look like I meant to do that.

The store owner called 911 which is good, because I then did a roll and attempted to draw my Glock. Unfortunately, since I did not have a holster, the gun "went off" and the bullet creased my wiener. But I was prepared for that and bit down on a 9mm casing to take my mind off the pain as I dove for the garbage barrel. That's when I noticed the girl scout shouting something to her mother who began to take cover. I knew they were closing on me so I drew my trusty custom 1911 Wilson COMBAT....I knew that they would be impressed with that.

I then duck walked to the front of her SUV but my gut kinda got in the way and I fell on my ass, which caused me to swallow my 9mm casing.

I then tried to roll to my right, but didn't want to scuff my holster, so I just threw myself into a telephone pole, but I landed on my right side anyway. So I fired one shot towards the woman's SUV to pin them down as I recovered my wind.

Before the mother knew what was happening, I charged her and I threw my groin into her knee. I knew that as I vomited on the ground in front of her that I had interrupted her OODA loop, and I had the advantage now. As she ran screaming for the Girl Scout (I knew she was going for backup) I made for my super-charged BRAT tactical truck.

I jumped into the driver seat, forgetting that I had left my rare Israeli contract AR 15 Bayonet on the seat (honed to a razors edge). I could handle it though; half my ass is an implant from war wounds. As I attempted to start my truck, police and paramedics arrived on the scene.

My truck would not start and instead backfired once and caused the police to taze me.

At this point, I tactically soiled myself while in convulsions. My custom 1911 then fell out the window, but I still had my Centennial .38. I knew then that I had to take out the woman with the purse. So I aimed my revolver at her, at which point the first police officer fired once striking me in the chest. Fortunately, I was wearing my level 3A body armor.

I didn't want to hurt the cops, they had obviously been duped by the evil temptress who was now embracing her partner in crime and crying to the police in the background - I knew it was a ruse. I pulled out my concealed weapons permit badge and showed it to the officer who shot me and yelled out "I'm one of you guys!!!" He continued to cover me, and ordered me to drop my 38 so I laid it down. After all, I still had my bayonet attached to my ass. The cop walked toward me, and upon reading the badge maced me right in the eyes.

Fortunately, my Oakley shooting glasses stopped most of the spray and I was able to rip free of the Taser cords easily. It only cost me one nipple...easily replaced. I dove for the passenger side of my truck and began to run zig zag for a ditch. Unfortunately, the bayonet sticking out of my ass slowed me down. I knew it would have to be hand-to-hand now.

I knew the cop couldn't take me when I saw he merely carried a Glock 17, not a man's gun. So I immediately threw my eye into his right hook, followed by a knee into his mag light. As I lay thrashing on the ground, I took the heel of my Bates enforcer boot and kicked at the cops ankle. I knew from my classified experiences in Tajikistan that once I broke his ankle, the cop would fall down and I could "stun kick" him in the head, knocking him out but not hurting him.

Apparently the cop had also been to Tajikistan, because he side stepped me and struck me in the back with his ASP baton, but my trauma plate absorbed it. I then drew my Benchmade auto knife and was promptly tased again, but I was ready for it this time and only wet myself a little bit. Next thing those cops knew, I was unconscious.

That'll teach 'em."


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## gaspasser (14 Jun 2006)

This one might be a tad above some people's heads:
Two soldiers walk into a bar, the third ducked.


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## gaspasser (14 Jun 2006)

Here's one for the Paras:
Two Airborne troopers were sitting at the bar in the Legion after a Remebrance Day parade.  They're having a few too many and arguing over which one is the better jumper.  
"I've dropped from 8,00 feet freefall and had to use my reserver".  
"Well, I've dropped from 10,000 and had to use my buddies reserve" 
On and on it goes when an Ol' godger stoically bellies up to the bar in his maroon blaser adorned with wings and orders a pint. The troopers look at the ol' man and taunt him about thier exploits.  "How many jumps you god old man?"
"One, 
...................Normandy"


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## Red 6 (21 Jun 2006)

One of my buddies who's still on active duty sent this to me. it's too funny not to post. 

How to Prepare for a Deployment to Iraq

1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.

2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.

3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong cot."

4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three sheets of toilet paper. Or for best effect, remove it altogether. For a more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.

5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.

6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head.

7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "HIGH" for that tactical generator smell.

8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.

9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.

10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.

12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.

13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker.

14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.

15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden hose.

16. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and put it back together again.

17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking.

18. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with them.

19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.

20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.

21. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your night stand and bring it to the bathroom with you. And bring your gun and a flashlight.

22. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, "just in case." Every time.

23. Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say, "Sorry, it's for the other Smith."

24. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like. Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.

25. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.

26. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for Malaria.

27. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.

28. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambiance.

29. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and fragmentation.

30. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before proceeding.

31. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 a.m. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute for their shattered windows.

32. Drink your milk and sodas warm.

33. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.

34. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel you placed outside the front door before they come in.

35. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the backyard. Complain that the 4x4s are not 8 inches on center and make them rebuild it.

36. Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator.

37. When your 5-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum.

38. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your neighbor's back yard.

39. Wait for the coldest/ hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no heat/air conditioning that day so you can perform much needed maintenance on the heater/ air conditioner. Tell them you are doing this so they won't get cold/ hot.

40. Just when you think you're ready to resume a normal life, order yourself to repeat this process for another six months to simulate the next deployment you've been ordered to support.


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## GAP (25 Jun 2006)

Just some fun for a sunday morning

THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

 1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He 
thought he was God and I didn't.

 2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

 3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

 4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill 
them.

 5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6.. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

 7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

 8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

 9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

 10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

 12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, 
why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

 13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

 14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

 15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

 17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

 18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I 
Grew up.

 19.. Procrastinate Now!

 20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With 
That?
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

 22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

 23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

 24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

 25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.                                                            

 26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three 
thousand times the memory.

 27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime 
commitment for a pig.

 28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

 29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and 
Wesson.

 30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going 
on.


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## snowy (4 Jul 2006)

make me laugh ;D

A young women who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. She noticed a young man smiling
at her and began to feel humiliated on account of her condition.She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.
She moved again, and then on her fourth move, he brust out laughing. She had him arrested.
When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.His reply was;
When the lady boarded the bus, i could'nt help noticing she was pregnant.She sat under an advertisement that read, "coming soon: The Gold Dust Twins." Then she moved under a sign that read,
"Sloan's liminents removes Swelling."
I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement that read, "Williams Stick did The Trick."
Then i could not control myself any longer when, on the fourth move, she sat under an advertisement that read, " Dunlop Rubber would have prevented This Accident."

The case was dismissed ;D


----------



## snowy (4 Jul 2006)

no offence, its just a joke 

Q. Why is it so hard to find men that are Sensitive, Caring and Good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends. ;D


----------



## Chaz (4 Jul 2006)

Bahahhaha
This one is old, but still good for a chuckle
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.
The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me. Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit says "No"
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit. 
 ;D


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## Inspir (4 Jul 2006)

The Classic Guy Flow Chart


----------



## Inspir (4 Jul 2006)

Movie: End of the World

http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/world.htm

PS: Need sound  ;D


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## snowy (4 Jul 2006)

two moron are riding around looking for a place to have a picnic. one moron says, "hey, lets have it over there , under that tree." the other moron says, "no, no, lets have it in the middle of the road." they fought and came to a decision to have it in the middle of the road. not long afterwards a car came speeding towards them, swerved off the road and ran into the tree. one moron says, "see if we were over there we would be dead by now."
 ;D


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## Michael OLeary (4 Jul 2006)

PLEASE READ THE CONDUCT GUIDELINES BEFORE POSTING.



> In a nutshell, the hard and fast rules are as follows:
> 
> *    * You will not post any information that is offensive, defamatory, inaccurate, abusive, vulgar, hateful, harassing, obscene, profane, sexually oriented, threatening, invasive of a person's privacy, or otherwise violative of any law.*
> 
> ...


----------



## Red 6 (4 Jul 2006)

This Marine rifle company was out in the field getting ready to deploy overseas. The skipper and the company gunny were hooching together and they zipped into their sleeping bags to hit the sack for the night.

The gunny looks at the captain and says, "Sir, take a look up and tell me what you see."

The skipper replies, "I see millions of stars Gunny."

Gunny asks,"What does that tell you sir."

The skipper replies, "Well Gunny, it tells me we're going to have a great day of training tomorrow since there isn't a cloud in the sky. All those stars make me think of all the Marines who have served the Corps so faithfully over the years. I also think of God up above looking down on us."

The skipper paused for a second and then asked the Gunny, "Gunny, when you look up at the stars what do you think about."

The Gunny looked up at the sky and over at the skipper. "Well sir," the Gunny said, "looking at them stars up there makes me think some a**hole stole our f***in' tent."


----------



## Red 6 (4 Jul 2006)

Here's another good one for all the senior NCO's:

An old crusty SgtMaj found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached him for conversation.
"Excuse me Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative ma'am, just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen alot of action."
"Yes ma'am, alot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation said, "You know you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sgt Maj just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955??"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "Relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his chest and said, "WOW, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!!"
The Sgt Maj, glancing at his watch said in his matter of fact voice, " I hope not, it's only 2130 now."


----------



## GAP (2 Aug 2006)

I think this has been posted before, but I couldn't find it with 2 hands and a flashlight...

Military Common Sense Rules

A lot of life's problems can be explained by the U.S. Military and its applications of common sense ... 

1. "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." 
(Paul Rodriguez) 

2. "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." 
(Army's magazine of preventive maintenance ). 

3. "Aim towards the Enemy." 
(Instruction printed on US M79 Rocket Launcher) 

4. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. 
(U.S. Marine Corps) 

5. Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground. 
(U.S. Air Force) 

6. If the enemy is in range, so are you. 
(Infantry Journal) 

7. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed. 
(US Air Force Manual) 

8. Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons. 
(Gen. MacArthur) 

9. Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo. 
(Infantry Journal) 

10. You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me. 
(Marine Gunnery Sergeant) 

11. Tracers work both ways. 
(US Army Ordnance) 

12. Five second fuses only last three seconds. 
(Infantry Journal) 

13. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything. 
(US Navy Seaman) 

14. Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid. 
(David Hackworth) 

15. If your attack is going too well, you have walked into an ambush. 
(Infantry Journal) 

16. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. 
(Joe Gay) 

17. Any ship can be a minesweeper... once. 
(Admiral Hornblower) 

18. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do. 
(Unknown Marine Recruit) 

19. Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you. 
(Your Buddies) 

20. Mines are equal opportunity weapons. 
(Army Platoon Sergeant) 

21. If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly. 
(David Hackworth) 

22. Your job is to kill the other person before they kill you so that your national leaders can negotiate a peace that will last as long as it takes the ink to dry. 
(Drill Instructor) 

23. In the Navy, the Chief is always right. 
(Written on the door into the Chiefs quarters)


----------



## George Wallace (9 Sep 2006)

U.S.Navy releases Al Qaeda Terrorist - I can't believe it!!!!!

The US Navy today announced that it has released a senior 
Al Qaeda terrorist after questioning him extensively for 27 days 
while being held prisoner aboard a US aircraft carrier in the 
Arabian Sea ..
In a humanitarian gesture, the terrorist was given $50 US 
and a white 1962 Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from 
custody.
         The attached photo shows the terrorist on his way home 
just after being released by the Navy.

GO NAVY!!!


----------



## Red 6 (10 Sep 2006)

In the US Army, we use a system called the Noncommissioned Officer Evaluation Report to rate performance and conduct. It's based on a series of performance levesl and uses bullet comments to support which blcoks the rater has checked. Here are some funny bullets. I doubt any of these were actually on a real report. You want to hope the senior rater would've picked it out and sent the NCOER back to the rater for revision. Anyway, here ya'll go:


His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

Is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

this NCO could not shoot the muzzle plug off his own gun tube
He demonstrates the unique ability to de-motivate soldiers at a moment's notice

he displays no morale courage and cries in formation

I know of no national emergency that would justify promoting this NCO above his current grade

 When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. 

He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle. 

He reminds me very much of gyroscope -- always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere. 

This young lady has delusions of adequacy. 

Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 

He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age. 

He should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better. 

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. 

This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot

If brains were C4 he would not have enough to blow his nose


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## vonGarvin (10 Sep 2006)

Two morons are sleeping on a cliff: a Big moron and a little moron.  One fell off to his death.

Which one died?

The big one.

Why?

Because the other was a little more on



 :dontpanic:


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## orange.paint (11 Sep 2006)

a crusty old sergeant is at a gala event,when a sexy young woman approaches him.

"It looks like you've seen a lot of action,"she says,examining his medals.
"Not to pry,but when did you last have sex?"
"nineteen-fifty-five"the seargent replies.
"No sex since 1955?"she exclaims."Thats too long!"
she leads him to a back room and jumps his bones.
Afterward she pants,"wow,you didnt forget much since 1955!"
The sgt glances at his watch and says"I hope not,it's only 2130 now."


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## Red 6 (12 Sep 2006)

rcac_011 said:
			
		

> a crusty old sergeant is at a gala event,when a sexy young woman approaches him.
> 
> "It looks like you've seen a lot of action,"she says,examining his medals.
> "Not to pry,but when did you last have sex?"
> ...



I already did that one in July. See below:

Here's another good one for all the senior NCO's:

An old crusty SgtMaj found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached him for conversation.
"Excuse me Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative ma'am, just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen alot of action."
"Yes ma'am, alot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation said, "You know you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sgt Maj just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955??"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "Relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his chest and said, "WOW, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!!"
The Sgt Maj, glancing at his watch said in his matter of fact voice, " I hope not, it's only 2130 now."


----------



## George Wallace (20 Sep 2006)

WARNING - PAY CLOSE ATTENTION:

Middle East

    This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of 
Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned Canada that if military action against Afghanistan
continues, Taliban authorities will cut off Canada's supply of convenience
store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab
drivers will be next, followed by Bell customer service reps.

It's getting ugly out there.


----------



## big bad john (26 Sep 2006)

Save water, shower with a Marine.

Heaven won't take us and Hell's afraid we'll take over.

RM: When it absolutely, positively must be destroyed overnight.

  
When in doubt, empty the magazine.


  
To err is human, to forgive is divine, however neither is Royal Marines policy.


  
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.


  
There are two types of people: Marines, and those that wish they were.


  
Martyrs or Marines, who do you think will get the virgins?


  
All men are created equal, then some become Marines.


It's not an attitude problem, we are that good.

  
Royal Marines: Travel agents to Allah.


  
First Iraq, then France.


  
We're Marines, we took Iwo Jima, Baghdad ain't shit." (Gen. Kelly U.S.M.C.)


It's God's job to forgive Bin Laden, it's our job to arrange the meeting.

  
Sergeants think their only flaw is their excessive modesty.


Except for ending slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, war has never solved anything."


----------



## big bad john (26 Sep 2006)

The British Military writes EPRs which are officer fitness reports.

The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206s"....

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. 

I would not breed from this Officer. 

This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be. 

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there. 

He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. 

He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle. 

Technically sound, but socially impossible. 

This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere. 

This young lady has delusions of adequacy. 

When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably. 

Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig. 

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 

He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age. 

This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better. 

In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet. 

This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 

The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship. 

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. 


Source: "Jackspeak: The Pusser's Rum Guid to Royal Navy Slanguage" by Rick Jolly, 1989.


----------



## Good2Golf (26 Sep 2006)

BBJ, add this one to the Brit Hit List...

"The RAF needs more officers like Flt.Lt Jones....but not too many more."

G2G


----------



## retd cpl wife (29 Sep 2006)

Picture this
Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says "I love New York" in Arabic. 
You gotta love Robin Williams...... 
Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin 
Williams to come up with the perfect 
plan. What we need now is for our 
UN Ambassador to stand up and 
repeat this message. 

Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to 
argue with this logic!) 

"I see a lot of people yelling for peace 
but I have not heard of a plan for 
peace. So, here's one plan." 

1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good 'ole' boys", we will never "interfere" again. 

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence. 

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave.We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them. 

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers. 

5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby. 

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while . 

7) Offer Saudi Arabiaand other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.) 

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or what ever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given 
to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything. 

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens. 

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan? 

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer \saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "


----------



## Centurian1985 (29 Sep 2006)

Bastard - that was my plan for Canada!  ;D

Heres one I liked to tell (usually using the org of the buddy I was telling it to):

A Canadian is walking along the base road when he sees a flagpole and three (insert country and arm) soldiers.  The three soldiers are trying to stand on each others shoulders with the top guy trying to hold a tape measure to the top of the pole.  Its obvious they are trying to measure the flagpole.  He watches their efforts for a few minutes.  Finally, they fall down again, so he decides to help.
"Why dont you lay down the flagpole on teh ground and then meaure it?" he suggests.
The lead soldier looks at him and snarls "What do you think we are, stupid?  We want to measure the height, not the length!"


----------



## pinkbug (29 Sep 2006)

Beeing a woman, I thought you might enjoy the chuckle as much as I did when I stumbled upon this one.

*Why Pilots Prefer Airplanes Over Women*

* Airplanes usually kill you quickly; a woman takes her time. 
* Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch. 
* Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go." 
* Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection. 
* Airplanes come with a manual to explain their operation. 
* Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations. 
* Airplanes can be flown at any time of the month. 
* Airplanes don't come with in-laws. 
* Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flow before. 
* Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time. 
* Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes. 
* Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines. 
* Airplanes expect to be tied down. 
* Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.


----------



## Rodahn (24 Oct 2006)

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia,  formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria 
and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2106.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 20106.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.


----------



## mover1 (24 Oct 2006)

China fears job loss to America.


----------



## Haggis (24 Oct 2006)

NDP FORMS MAJORITY GOVERNMENT
Jack Layton III new PM.


----------



## sleeman (24 Oct 2006)

Toronto Maple Leafs finally win the Stanley Cup


----------



## mover1 (24 Oct 2006)

Quebec Separarates. New Deal gives Aboriginal Canadians their land back and reduces the country of Quebec to a 100 mile strip along the St Lawrence


----------



## safeboy43 (24 Oct 2006)

A new federal Liberal government decides to open several new CF bases around Canada.


----------



## Long Sword (24 Oct 2006)

GM Acquires Toyota.


----------



## Rodahn (24 Oct 2006)

Mr. Zzyzyx is awarded the Nobel prize in chemistry for inventing dehydrated water......


----------



## Jack O. (24 Oct 2006)

Sylvester Stallone is brought out of cryo-freeze to star in Rocky 26.

...Old lady from Titanic turns 201.


----------



## bcbarman (24 Oct 2006)

Scientist claim that the global freezing threat is now at code orange

Nortel stock is now at the highest it has been in centuries, $0.39

The country of Microsoft attacked the island nation of Disney today,  Goofy commandoes are putting up a good resistance, but are being chewed up by the hourglass special forces.


----------



## Rodahn (24 Oct 2006)

Keith Richards to conduct speaking tour on the benefits of recreational pharmaceuticals!


----------



## rmacqueen (24 Oct 2006)

World will run out of oil in the next 20 years

Scientists meet to discuss global warming

Study shows only one in ten Americans know anything about Canada

Liberals promise to get rid of GST


----------



## Jack O. (24 Oct 2006)

Pierre Trudeau named greatest Canadian by CBC.


----------



## warspite (24 Oct 2006)

Scientists predict global warming could destroy the environment over the next hundred years. More on pg.7


----------



## Journeyman (24 Oct 2006)

*Army.ca membership tops 2 million. *
_Four_ members now support battleaxe and 284_226; the rest "still just don't get it"  

>


----------



## 17thRecceSgt (24 Oct 2006)

CF trials on mukluks that began in 1969 now complete.

Result:  feet are warmer in colder places in them.


----------



## p_imbeault (25 Oct 2006)

Is Korea the new Iraq?


----------



## Haggis (26 Oct 2006)

BILL GATES JR. GRANTS AUDIENCE TO POPE PAUL MOHAMMAD I
Talks centre around religious interference in micro technology.


----------



## career_radio-checker (26 Oct 2006)

Block Quebecois forms majority government in federal elections. Rest of Canada threatens to separate.


----------



## FredDaHead (26 Oct 2006)

The problem with the original post is that, in 100 years, Castro will be about as old as Yoda and "President" Chelsea will be around, what, 120-something?


Anyway, from the Multinational Inquirer from 2106:

"I did NOT create the world," says God. Pope, catholics stumped.


----------



## infuntry_boi (6 Dec 2006)

I figured we should do a army.ca joke thread (might been done before but, oh well). I've got two to start it off:

Bobby the country kid decides to join the army.
on day 1 they give him a comb, then shave his head.
on day 2 they give him a tooth brush, then the dentist pulls three teeth.
on day 3 they give him a athletic cup...
...the army's been lookin for Bobby for about thirty years now.

and:

Q: How many military personnel does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, But it takes five years to get the lightbulb.

What have you guys got?


----------



## warspite (6 Dec 2006)

Officer: Hey soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try again.
   "Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: NO SIR!


----------



## Douke (6 Dec 2006)

Ok please forgive my English skills, I'll try to translate this one as correctly as possible :

A NATO general decide that he will review his troops. Stopping in front of the American contingent, he punches one of the American soldiers in the face and asks him :"How are you today soldier ?" and the soldier answers :"I am fine sir, I'm an American soldier and I don't feel pain!".

The general, very satisfied with the answer, moves on to the British contingent and stop in front of a soldier, draws his 9mm and hit one of the British soldiers to the head with the handle, and asks him :"How are you today soldier ?". The British soldier answers :"I am fine sir, I am a soldier of Her Majesty and I don't feel pain!".

The general, even more satisfied, moves on to the Canadian contingent, stops in front of a soldier, draws his bayonet and throw it at the feet of the soldier, the bayonet sticking in the poor soldier's boot. The general asks the soldier :"How are you today soldier ?" and the soldier, unphased, answers :"I am fine sir, I am a Canadian soldier, I wear 8 and I was issued 12!"

Hope you enjoy it even with the bad translation,
cheers!

Douke


----------



## career_radio-checker (6 Dec 2006)

davidhmd said:
			
		

> Good old signals one...
> 
> I have these two friends... both of them antennas... they've known each other for years and recently decided to get married.
> Of course being a friend I was invited, and let me tell you, the ceremony wasn't that great, but the reception afterwards.... EXCELLENT!  ^-^



What's a sig-op's favorite food?
*Marconi * and cheese


----------



## daftandbarmy (6 Dec 2006)

Miltary speak...


----------



## armyrules (29 Dec 2006)

One of mine is "troop did u you shave with a wet fish?"


----------



## observor 69 (31 Jan 2007)

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off-duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time.

He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but also punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?


----------



## mudrecceman (24 Jul 2007)

At a U2 concert in Halifax Nova Scotia, when Bono asks the audience for some quiet.

Then, in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.  He says into the microphone, in a deep solemn voice... "Just for a moment, think 
outside yourself...Outside this arena.  Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."


A loud Newfy voice from near the front pierces the moment..."Well, Lard tunderin jasus, ya stupid arse, stop yer damn clappin', then!"


----------



## Gimpy (24 Jul 2007)

Heres an old joke but a good one.

There are three men working on a construction site, a Frenchman, an Italian, and a Newfie.

Everyday at noon they all grab their lunch and sit on a beam up on the building. First the Frenchman gets French Bread for lunch and says "Oh, if I get French Bread for lunch again I'm going to jump off this building", the Italian man gets pasta and says "Oh if I get pasta again I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself", and the Newfie gets Peanut Butter and Jam and says "Oh, if I get PB&J again I'm going to jump this building and kill myself".

So the next day the lunch bell goes and they all go up the tower to eat. The Frenchman gets French Bread and procedes to jump off the building, the Italian gets pasta and jumps off, and the Newfie gets PB and J and jumps off.

The next week at their funeral all the wifes are together greiving when the Frenchmans wife says "Oh, if only I knew he didn't want French Bread I would have made something different", the Italians wife says "Oh, if only I knew he didn't want pasta I would have made something different", and the Newfie's wife says "Don't look at me, he makes his own lunch"


----------



## adaminc (26 Jul 2007)

I found these while searching around the net, the website I got them from is below, they are pretty funny (true or not).

"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
- U.S. Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- Col. David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."
- Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies

(And lastly) "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
-- U.S.A. Ammo

http://whatsthecrack.net/Funny-and-Useful-Military-Warnings


----------



## Greymatters (27 Jul 2007)

3RD, thanks, too bad Ive already read that one...


----------



## BootStrap (27 Aug 2007)

OK I got a couple (OK their not really mine just found them on the internet):

1.) A lieutenant was out walking one day, and came upon a little boy, playing with a pile of s**t. 
"Son, what are you doing?" asked the lieutenant. 
"I'm building an NCO," said the boy. 
The lieutenant, thinking this was quite funny, returned with his captain, and asked the same question. Again, the boy replied that he was building an NCO. 
The captain, also thinking it was funny, went back to the company area, and brought the first sergeant out. Again the question was asked, and the reply was the same. 
The first sergeant then asked the boy why he was building an NCO. 
The boy replied "Because I don't have enough s**t to make an officer." 

2.) A Airforce Officer is leaving 17 Wing (Winnipeg) to go to Shilo, Likewise an Army NCM is leaving Shilo to go to 17 Wing (Why, you may ask I don't know). In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. Fortunately they both survive and crawl out of each others wrecks and approach each other. The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says,...... "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals". The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, ..... "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck" 
So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. 
He says to the Army guy, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship" 
The Army guy replies, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, "Your turn!" 
The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."

3.) The four scariest things in the CF:
The private who says, "I learned this in Basic Training..." 
The officer candidate who says, "Based on my experience..." 
The Seargent who says, "Trust me, Sir..." 
The Corporal who chuckles, "Watch THIS sh*t..." 

Even more scary: 
A private with a badge. 
A 2nd lieutenant with a map. 

4.) Working Hours in the CF:
ARMY: Reveille at 0600, train until 1900. 
NAVY: Get out of bed at 0900, train until 1100, lunch until 1300, train until 1600. 
AIR FORCE: Awaken at 1000, breakfast in bed, train from 1100 to 1200, lunch at 1200, train from 1300 to 1400, nap at 1400, awaken from nap at 1500, training ceases at 1500.

5.) Alloted Leave Per Service:
ARMY: 4 hours a week.
NAVY: 2 days a week.
AIR FORCE: For every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave.

6.) And the last one for the bight... Military Prayer:
One day a Colonel, a Lieutenant and a Warrant Officer were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. 
The Warrant Officer called out to God, praying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river. It did, however, take him about two hours, and he almost drowned a couple of times.
Seeing this, the Lieutenant prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat. He was able to row across the river in about an hour, but it was rough, and he almost capsized the boat a couple of times.
The Colonel had seen how things worked out for the other two, so when he prayed to God, he said, "Please God, give me the strength, the tools, and the intelligence to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into an NCO. He looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, and then walked across the bridge.

Thank you Thank you I'll be here all week  ;D ;D


----------



## Trinity (3 Apr 2008)

From the creators of Icanhascheesburger (and Lol cats)

http://punditkitchen.com/

political pics...  with new captions.


----------



## Thompson_JM (3 Apr 2008)

nice...

I like the John McCain one...

"I know Al Qaeda Isn’t in Iran now, But they’ll be there.............. as soon as we invade"

or the Obama/Clinton  Tastes Great/Less Filling


----------



## 1feral1 (13 May 2008)

This is circulating around the DRN today  ;D.

Tongue in cheek and a a good laugh, but if only?

You decide.
------------------------------
You gotta love Robin Williams......Even if he's nuts!  Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan . What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.  

Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)  

"I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace.  So, here's one plan."  

1) "The US will apolog ize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good 'ole' boys", we will never "interfere" again.  

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world , starting with Germany , South Korea , the Middle East , and the Philippines . T hey don't want us there.  We would station troops at our borders.  No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.  

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together or leave.  We'll give them a free trip home.  After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediatel y, regardless of whom or where they are.  They're illegal!!!  France will welcome them.  

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!  No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in.  If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here .  Asylum would never be available to anyone.  We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.  

5) No foreign "students" over age 21.  The older ones are t he bombers.  If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.  

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise.  This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness.  The caribou will have to cope for a while  

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil.  If they don't like it, we go someplace else.  They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)  

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere."  They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need.  Besides most of what we give t hem is stolen or given to the army.  The people who need it most get very little, if anything.  

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace.  We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here.  Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens. 

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school.  That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.  The Language we speak is ENGLISH ..learn it..or LEAVE!! 
  
Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?  

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."  She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "  

-----------------
Cheers,


Wes


----------



## Journeyman (14 May 2008)

According to Snopes' Urban Myths it's got nothing to do with Robin Williams.


----------



## ExSarge (16 Jul 2008)

1.	Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2.	 He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.  
3.	A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4.	 Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 
5.	 Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t. 
6.	The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.  
7.	 It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them. 
8.	 If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 
9.	 The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those, who got there first. 
10.	Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
11.	 Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
12.	The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
13.	When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. 
14.	Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.


----------



## Dog (16 Jul 2008)

15. Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway.


----------



## geo (16 Jul 2008)

16.  It's a question of mind over matter... I don't mind and you don't matter
17.  Just because your negligence has made it an emergency to you - does not make it an emergency to me.


----------



## The Bread Guy (16 Jul 2008)

18. Life is short - eat dessert first.


----------



## aesop081 (16 Jul 2008)

19-Your parents told you that you were special......you are not.


----------



## S.Stewart (16 Jul 2008)

20. Accept the fact that quite possibly you are the poster child for family planning.


----------



## Mike Baker (16 Jul 2008)

21. As hard as you wish it isn't true, there is always someone better then you in every way, and has more and better friends.


----------



## Rodahn (16 Jul 2008)

22. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity!


----------



## Teeps74 (16 Jul 2008)

23. Trying, is the first step in failure.


----------



## medicineman (16 Jul 2008)

24.  The most exercise you get as you age is being a pallbearer for your friends who exercised more.


----------



## Teeps74 (16 Jul 2008)

25.


----------



## Fishbone Jones (16 Jul 2008)

*


----------



## Michael OLeary (16 Jul 2008)

*


----------



## MedTechStudent (16 Jul 2008)

28. As soon as your born you start dying.


----------



## Haggis (16 Jul 2008)

29.  Tuesdays are still better than Fridays because Tuesday is still six days from the next Monday.


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## Sine Pari (17 Jul 2008)

Maybe not completely ontopic, but here is a short list of things I learned in the military;

1.   May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right. 
2.   Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).
3.   Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
4.   (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody. 
5.   Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Megadeth during airborne operations. ('See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker')
6.   Our medic is called 'Sgt L........, not 'Dr. Feelgood'. 
7.   Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt W.........' not 'Sugar Daddy'.
8.   I do not have super-powers.
9.   I am not authorized to fire officers. 
10.   'Napalm sticks to kids' is *not* a motivational phrase. 
11.   The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.
12.   If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-8 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean; 'I have been promoted seven more times than you'.
13.   Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.
14.   The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."
15.   Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."
16.   Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.
17.   A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield. 
18.   Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
19.   My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.
20.   Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war". 
21.   Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.
22.   I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.
23.   I cannot arrest children for being rude.
24.   I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Arabic, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
25.   Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk. 
26.   Even if my commander did it. 
27.   I do not need to keep a 'range card' by my window.
28.   I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test. 
29.   Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.
30.   The proper way to report to my Commander is '1st Sgt V........., reporting as ordered, Sir' not 'You can't prove a thing!' 
31.   Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.
32.   May not challenge officers to 'Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn'. 
33.   I am not allowed to sing 'Henry the VIII I am' until verse 68 ever again. 
34.   NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration." 
35.   Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged") 
36.   Must not make T-shirts up depciting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.


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## ExSarge (17 Jul 2008)

On the first day of jump training, a sailor listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet. 
The sailor asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?" 
"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground." 
After pondering his answer, the sailor asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"


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## Haggis (17 Jul 2008)

Sine Pari said:
			
		

> Maybe not completely ontopic, but here is a short list of things I learned in the military;



This is known as "Skippy's List" and it's been done here several times.  Funny, nonetheless.


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## wannabe SF member (17 Jul 2008)

30. The most dangerous kind of idiot is the one that takes himself seriously.


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## MARS (17 Jul 2008)

That is a really funny list..thanks for posting SP.  I particularly like numbers 9 and 22, but I do not get number 27 "I shall not keep a 'range card' by my window"


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## medicineman (17 Jul 2008)

I thought 33 and 37 were especially amusing myself - but I'm a demented f*&k anyway  >.

MM

PS - to add to the original post - #31.  Games played in minefields are best watched from a distance.


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## medicineman (17 Jul 2008)

Keep looking until you hammer in?


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## xo31@711ret (18 Jul 2008)

From the front page.....

*Army Sergeant Saves The Life of a Naval Officer *  

Army Sergeant Saves The Life of a Naval Officer During Horse-Back Riding Mishap, 18 july 2008

A Naval Captain narrowly escaped serious injury recently when  he decided to try horseback riding, even though he had no lessons or prior experience. He mounted the horse, and the horse immediately sprang into action. As it galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the Captain began to slip from the saddle. He grabbed for the horse's mane, but could not get a firm grip. He tried to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he began to slide down the side of the horse anyway! The horse galloped along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, losing his frail grip, the Captain attempted to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot became entangled in the stirrup, and he was now at the mercy of the horse as his head struck against the ground over and over and over.

As his head was being battered against the ground and he was mere moments away from unconsciousness, to his great fortune, an army Sergeant, who was shopping at Wal-Mart, saw him and quickly unplugged the horse.


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## MedTechStudent (18 Jul 2008)

xo31@711ret said:
			
		

> From the front page.....
> 
> *Army Sergeant Saves The Life of a Naval Officer *
> 
> ...




HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

thank you, its been a long time since I ACTUALLY laughed out loud.


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## kincanucks (18 Jul 2008)

MARS said:
			
		

> That is a really funny list..thanks for posting SP.  I particularly like numbers 9 and 22, but I do not get number 27 "I shall not keep a 'range card' by my window"




I think that the point is that by having a range card by your window may indicate that you have prepared to defend from that position but it may look bad if said window is in your quarters.

http://www.armystudyguide.com/content/Leadersbook_information/Combat_Leaders_Guide/defend-range-card-prepara-2.shtml


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## MARS (18 Jul 2008)

I get it now.  Thanks!

MARS


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## TCBF (8 Sep 2008)

kincanucks said:
			
		

> I think that the point is that by having a range card by your window may indicate that you have prepared to defend from that position but it may look bad if said window is in your quarters.
> 
> http://www.armystudyguide.com/content/Leadersbook_information/Combat_Leaders_Guide/defend-range-card-prepara-2.shtml



- My wife won't let me put them up at home, either...


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## Trooper Hale (8 Sep 2008)

TCBF said:
			
		

> - My wife won't let me put them up at home, either...



My SSM looks at me funny during room inspection because of it...


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## GAP (16 Sep 2008)

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Saskatchewan .
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly
farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.'

The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over here.'

The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial attorneys in the World and, if you don't let
me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Saskatchewan .

We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule'.'

The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'

The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three 

times and then you kick me three times and so on, back and forth until someone gives up.'

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. 

He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his
knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. 

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nah, .................I give up! You can have the duck.'


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## ENGINEERS WIFE (16 Sep 2008)

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
 ;D You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 
10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap


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## ENGINEERS WIFE (16 Sep 2008)

;D


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## GAP (18 Sep 2008)

A tourist approached a local person in a village he was visiting in Newfoundland and asked
"What's the quickest way to Deer Lake?"

The local scratched his head, "Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.

"I'm driving" said the stranger.

The villager said "That's the quickest way!"


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## Hot Lips (22 Sep 2008)

Since one of the other threads seemed to be going off the rails...something about Borden vs CFLRS...I thought I would post a joke for all the hard working NCOs on here...


One day a Colonel, a Lieutenant and a Warrant Officer were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. 

The Warrant Officer called out to God, praying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river. It did, however, take him about two hours, and he almost drowned a couple of times.

Seeing this, the Lieutenant prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat. He was able to row across the river in about an hour, but it was rough, and he almost capsized the boat a couple of times.

The Colonel had seen how things worked out for the other two, so when he prayed to God, he said, "Please God, give me the strength, the tools, and the intelligence to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into an NCO. He looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, and then walked across the bridge.

Indeed the CF would be no where with out the wonderful and dedicated NCOs especially the ones in which I have the pleasure to work with  

HL


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## ENGINEERS WIFE (8 Oct 2008)




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## adaminc (7 Nov 2008)

Here is a funny military comic I found while idly surfing the net.







http://pichaus.com/comic-military-@da55e3edab9ebea928dc62d776222550/


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## Bruce Monkhouse (8 Feb 2009)

http://en.video.canoe.tv/video/comedy/comedy/1906868833/desert_eagle_backfires/10343685001


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## PMedMoe (7 Apr 2009)

Government Job

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes...an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K.  You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4 P.M.  You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job." the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.  No point in you coming in for that."

 ;D


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## Gunnar (7 May 2009)

MEMORANDUM FOR:  Major Big High Guy

FROM:   The drunk fool in Hawaii
SUBJECT:  After Actions Report
1. TYPE OF OPERATION:  Goat Rope Boondogle & some real work.
2. DATE OF OPERATION:  21 Sept 08 thru 27 Sept 08 (21 Sept and 27 Sept reserved as travel days).
3. LOCATION: Mary’s House of Pasties, Waikiki Police station, Madame Ho’s Massage facility. Hawaii.
4. CONTROL HEADQUARTERS:  I Love This Bar & Grill
5. UNITS INVOLVED:  A couple of units that I can’t remember, Big Island Liquor.
6. SUPPORTING FORCES:  Dukes den of Tattoo’s.
7. CONCEPT OF OPERATION:  In conjunction with the Local Unit  and the Other Local Unit personnel, MSgt John Wayne and SrA James Jones performed troubleshooting and functional testing of some equipment they didn’t know how to use and Microsoft Solitare system long-haul connectivity between Hawaii, and somewhere in MO.  The idea was then to find ways to justify an additional 4 days on the island to get at tan
8. EXECUTION:  Daily entries made in lieu of a Master Station Log.
Travel day and arrival at Waikiki, HI - 21 September 2008.
Day 1 – (Monday, September 22, 2008).  Slept, woke up and surfed porn, slept some more. At noon went to beach and slept. Woke up, applied coconut oil, slept. Woke up, ate snack, drank dinner, surfed porn, slept.
Day 2 – (Tuesday, September 23, 2008).  Met with and discussed further firewall procedures and technologies with SSgt Smart Guy and SSgt. Other Smart Guy.  Meanwhile, TSgt Bob back at home did some actual work to configure the Missouri firewall. SSgt Hard Worker and SSgt New Guy powered up and configured the highly advance and confusing systems.  Network traffic was then monitored on the firewalls to determine actual utilization.  An additional port was discovered in the firewalls logs as specifically required for connectivity between Missouri and Hawaii.  That port was then added to the firewall Service Groups.   Once network activity was confirmed, we worked for another 5 minutes before leaving the building.  After that hour, went back to beach, slept, drank, got sand kicked on face by Japanese tourist girl, went to hotel and surfed porn.
Day 3 – (Wednesday, September 24, 2008).  Called Missouri to make sure everything was working and stayed an extra day, “Just in case”.  Hung up phone, surfed porn. MSgt. Wayne went scuba diving, SrA Jones went looking for Tattoo parlor he found while surfing porn.  Drank, slept.
Day 4 – (Thursday, September 25, 2008).  SSgt Other Smart Guy continued with the overview and demonstration of the highly technical and confusing systems applications and theory of operation.  While SSgt. Rocket Scientist worked, MSgt. Wayne went scuba diving againg and SrA Jones drank heavily wishing he had not visited the tattoo parlor. Ate dinner, drank, surfed porn, slept some more.
Day 5 – (Friday, September 26, 2008).  Return flight to Missouri Got drunk, slept.
Day 6 - (Saturday, September 27, 2008).   Arrive at HOR early morning, drank, surfed porn, slept.

9. RESULTS:

OVERALL TRAINING:  Good training opportunity for firewall configuration. Maybe next time can take advantage of it. Opportunities existed to learn stuff we will never ever use. Maybe next time can take advantage of it .  UTC qualification and proficiency on firewalls was signed off anyway to make it look good.

OPERATIONS:  The TDY really Rocked!

TRAINING EFFFECTIVENESS RATING:  Yeah, whatever.

10.  ADMINISTRATIVE MATTERS:

Hawaii AFB POC Information:
Networks - SSgt Smart Guy
Networks - SSgt Other Smart Guy
Confusing System – SrA LowManOn TotemPole
Highly Advanced Chat Room Director - SSgt Rocket Scientist

11. SPECIAL REQUIRMENTS, TECHNIQUES AND EQUIPMENT:

Scuba Equipment
Liquor
Sun Tan Lotion
Band-Aids

12. RECOMMENDATIONS/LESSONS LEARNED:

With the information gleaned from this trip, Network Technicians Wayne and Jones will be able to more rapidly and accurately take advantage of further TDYs to exotic and remote locations around the world.

JAMES S. JONES, SRA
PSEUDO MILITARY

Addendum 1 - Total cost of trip including reimbusement for special requirements $41,519.41 to be paid in full by American Tax Payers.


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## ExSarge (10 May 2009)

----this is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier---- 
  
  
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!  
    
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists.. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.   
    
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.  Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.   
    
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts!  I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while. 
      
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get  up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s-of-a-b.... 
      
If  captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. 
      
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.  We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. 
      
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. 
     
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. 
    
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl.  He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.. 
    
  
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. 
     
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. 
    
***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with Menapause !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! 
   
  
If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we  will have it secured the first night! 
      
Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.


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## dh101 (20 May 2009)

Here are some funny jokes i did not write. They may be offensive to some people some of them
Canadians/Americans army jokes
1. How many Canadian soldiers does it screw in a light bulb?  1 if his ladder doesn’t break!
2. Why did Stephen Harper deploy the Canadian army to Haiti?  to get their guns back
3. Canadians army is so advance they have the new 3 ton fridge size .0056k modem today...
4. What does Canadian army equipment, and Ethiopian’s legs have in common? They both break every time you try and use them
5. Why do American soldiers hate getting new boots from supply?... because they have to dig the old feet out of them.
6. How many American soldiers does it take to avenge the 2,973 dead people in 9/11?  2974
7. How many Americans does it to screw in a light bulb? 200 soldiers, an Abram tank, an F-22, 8 trillion dollar’s and 12 Iraqi slaves to do it for them.
8. Going to war without Canada is like going fishing without a spoon.
9. You know when you’re an American soldier when you run out of bullets you get a new gun instead of reloading it…
10. How does an American soldier fix his problem? He first makes it worst and then sends the Canadian…
11. Why do auroras have 4 engines? in case 3 break
12. What does an American pilot do when they fly an F-22? Well they... take off.. no thats the computer.... they navigate...no computer... they fly ... no autopilot... fire the weapons no still computer.... I KNOW THEY GET Paid!
13. Why does Canada have a navy? to make our air force look good
14. Why did the submariner go to Wal-Mart to buy 9v batteries? To replace the old ones in there fire alarms!
15. Why did the submariner to go home hardware? to get a new screen door for the sub!
16. What’s the difference between a really old British submarine, and a brand new Canadian submarine? None
17. Why do American soldiers put plugs in their guns when they come to Canada? so they dont shoot us by mistake.
18. Why do American soldiers don’t care if they shoot us? Because we have healthcare.
19. Why did the Canadians complain when they got there new 2nd hand aircrafts? Because the blimp didn’t come with helium.
20. Why was the Canadian soldier happy when the GST went down?    Because he can afford his gun now
21. An F-18 is escorting a flying fortress. The F-18 pilot does some fancy maneuvers and talks to the flying fortress’ pilots and says, anything you can do I can do better. The flying fortress pilots shut down 2 engines and says Try that one
22. Why did the Canadian soldiers buy a life time supply of garbage bags? So they could fix there auroras.
23. Why did the Canadian soldier leave the army? They can’t pay him any more.
24. Why do Canadian soldiers jealous of American soldiers? Cause they got guns.
25. Why was the Canadian soldier ducking under a bench praying? Because a Sea-king was flying over head.
26. Why did the Canadian soldier cross the Afghan road?  To get to TimHortons
27. Knock Knock... whos there?   Canadian forces.... HAHAHAHhahhahahahhhhaaaaahhh..ahha!!!
28. What does a paratrooper and a sea-king have in common?... They both fall out of the sky on a regular basis.
29. Hey dad you know any good Canadian military jokes?  Hmmmm just the officers.
30.


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## MikeL (1 Jun 2009)

Marine sings to pizza delivery girl


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoAf7dxt-DU&feature=related


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## PMedMoe (1 Jun 2009)

I still like this one:

VAW-116 Hawkeye Squadron's video of Outkast's Hey Ya 

This is also Hawkeye Sqn:

Navy Carrier Squadron "Pump It"

and another group:

VAW-113 Black Eagles' version of the All American Rejects "Move Along"


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## Michael OLeary (2 Jun 2009)

Heavyweight gets old-school on pencil-neck runner


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## Dennis Ruhl (2 Jun 2009)

As an 80 something relative said:

You know that stuff they put in our food during the war? It's starting to work now.


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## Dissident (11 Aug 2010)

Inspection this morning:

"Look at your boots, now look at mine, look at your boots, now back to mine. Sadly your boots don't look like my boots, but if you started to clean them and used shoe polish, they could look like mine. Look down, back up: Your beret is covered with lint. Open your hand, what is in it? A bunch of threads I took off your uniform. Look again, it is full of the dust bunnies you like so much. Anything is possible when you inspect a recruit course.

I'm on a short fuse."


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## vonGarvin (11 Aug 2010)

Dissident said:
			
		

> Inspection this morning:
> 
> "Look at your boots, now look at mine, look at your boots, now back to mine. Sadly your boots don't look like my boots, but if you started to clean them and used shoe polish, they could look like mine. Look down, back up: Your beret is covered with lint. Open your hand, what is in it? A bunch of threads I took off your uniform. Look again, it is full of the dust bunnies you like so much. Anything is possible when you inspect a recruit course.
> 
> I'm on a short fuse."


:rofl:  Now that, my friends, is humour!


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## Haggis (11 Aug 2010)

Dissident said:
			
		

> Inspection this morning:
> 
> "Look at your boots, now look at mine, look at your boots, now back to mine. Sadly your boots don't look like my boots, but if you started to clean them and used shoe polish, they could look like mine. Look down, back up: Your beret is covered with lint. Open your hand, what is in it? A bunch of threads I took off your uniform. Look again, it is full of the dust bunnies you like so much. Anything is possible when you inspect a recruit course.
> 
> I'm on a short fuse."



 :rofl:
My son is on his DP1 Infantry as we speak.  Now, I have this incredibly funny word picture in my mind of how his morning just went.


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