# How do I prepare myself for my boyfriend upcoming tour in Afghanistan...



## Bellesophie (17 Feb 2010)

Hi there,

My boyfriend will be part of the next rotation leaving Valcartier (Oct to DEC 2010).
I'm thinking more and more about it and how it could affect our relationship, the danger, how to keep an efficient contact with him during the tour and most of all if things will change for us on he's return... It won't be he's first tour but for me it's a first one...

I've been reading many post some of them left me with a lot of questions...

So far, I've made contact with the spouses support group offered on the base and started volunteer at the family center so I could make thighs on the base since I don't live on it.

I would like get pointers for the first timers like me so I could focus on the essential..

Can't wait to read it all

P.S. French or English man or women...

Thank's a lot for the advices..

Sophie :yellow:


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## Bzzliteyr (17 Feb 2010)

Salut Sophie,

You have done more than some people do so far. Good work.

If you have questions, post them here and you should be able to get some well informed answers en anglais et francais.

Essential?  Let him you you care for him every chance you get, it is very good for morale and your relationship.  The rest will work off of that...

Bonne chance!


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## Otis (18 Feb 2010)

My most important advice to you is DO NOT pay attention to the news while he's away ... and if you DO happen to catch a newscast, take everything they report with a grain of salt.

Remember that the job of the newscasters is to sell advertising on thier newscasts ... the more sensational the story, the better. If you spend every day glued to the news you'll drive yourself (and by extension, your boyfriend) crazy!

Bonne Chance!


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## PMedMoe (18 Feb 2010)

Something else to prepare yourself for is periods of time where he may not be able to contact you.  Internet and phones are pretty much set up in most locations, but depending on his job, he may be in areas where there is no access or there may be a Comms lockdown.


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## Rigger052 (18 Feb 2010)

My wife is a member of married to the canadian forces (follow link) http://www.z9.invisionfree.com/MCF_families which looks at military life from a spouse's point of view. It may help.


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## Bzzliteyr (18 Feb 2010)

And maybe go to chapters or find a bookstore near base to find some books reference the subject.  I know I had a couple when I had a wife/girlfriend.  I am not home right now but let me look for them when I get back in March.  I might be able to bring them to Valcartier with me when I am posted.


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## Bellesophie (19 Feb 2010)

Thank's all for the advices

*Rigger052 * 
I will look up this site over the weekend Merci for the link  



			
				Bzzliteyr said:
			
		

> And maybe go to chapters or find a bookstore near base to find some books reference the subject.  I know I had a couple when I had a wife/girlfriend.  I am not home right now but let me look for them when I get back in March.  I might be able to bring them to Valcartier with me when I am posted.



Well I'm interested by theses books so when you come over Valcartier, why not email me and we could exchange over a coffee if you wish... I will be looking forward to meet you.

To all the others I'll take good notice of all you've wrote me 

Nice day to you all

Sophie :yellow:


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## Celticgirl (22 Feb 2010)

Hi Bellesophie,

I went through this with my husband a couple of years ago. Deployments are stressful on a couple/family, so you are wise to try to mentally prepare for it in advance. 

In that vein, prepare yourself for limited contact. My husband was only able to call about twice per week for about 15 minutes. I never knew when the calls were going to be, and I was forever worried I would miss a call when I was not at home (I didn't have a cell phone back then, which in retrospect, I should have arranged prior to his tour). Missing a call from your deployed spouse is pretty devastating, but try not to get too worked up over it. It happens to all of us, and no doubt about it, it will happen to you. 

I found that one thing that helped me greatly during his deployment was sending packages (free to send through your local MFRC if you meet the size and weight specifications and also free via CP around the holidays). Anytime I was out shopping, I would pick up little items here and there. It was a "busy" activity for me that was positive for me because I knew he would appreciate this or that when he was in the 'sandbox'. It gave me joy to know I could give him a piece of home every now and again. I will never forget how good it felt when he asked me on the phone one day for me to send him some Zest soap (his fave) and I was able to tell him it was already sent (and he received it a day or two later).  I also sent a hand-written letter with each package. He told me later that the first thing he did when he opened my packages was hunt for the letter. He loved receiving the letters most of all.

One thing that my husband and I agreed to do before he left was to never argue or discuss any negative things over the phone. I'm so glad we agreed to that because all of our phone calls were positive, loving, and reassuring, which made it so much easier to deal with the time apart (and kept him focused on what he needed to do over there). Save any big issues or grievances for when he comes home and can adequately deal with them. You'll be glad you did.

Lastly, good luck to you and your man during this difficult period. It's not easy and your relationship will be put to the test, but if you are lucky, you will have an even stronger bond afterwards. Wishing you Godspeed!


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## beach_bum (23 Feb 2010)

Sophie,

The Deployment Support Group gives briefings to the families and friends of soldiers deploying.  Perhaps contacting them and attending a briefing will be help you with some of your questions and concerns.


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## Celticgirl (24 Feb 2010)

Celticgirl said:
			
		

> to send him some Zest soap (his fave)



He read my post and corrected me. It was Irish Spring soap.  ;D


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## 4Feathers (24 Feb 2010)

Celticgirl said:
			
		

> He read my post and corrected me. It was Irish Spring soap.  ;D



Well it is the thought that counts, not the correct soap name, and he is the luckiest guy on the planet anyway !


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## iggysbabysitter (26 Feb 2010)

I have seen my husband off on 4 tours, and I found the first hardest because I didn't have any support from the local MFRC, as he was attached to a different base for that tour. This MFRC made things almost impossible. Thankfully that was 10 years ago, and these issues were dealt with so that all wives have access to better services no matter what base the member is deployed out of. 
The hardest part? The last hour before he boarded the bus. It's all "hurry up and wait", full of dread and stress and tears. On his last tour, we packed up the kids at 4am and went to the field house with all the other families. But instead of hanging on to the last second, everyone felt a bit better by just saying our good byes, getting our hugs and going. Hubby was able to get on with the tasks at hand, and I had a full day with 2 tired boys. With todays access to technology, there are more opportunities to talk, and even see eachother. 

It is really important to ignore the news, and it's often only interested in displaying the worst of everything. I even took leave from my job once because people from the public would constantly badger me with all those questions you really shouldn't ask a military wife (ie: why did you let him go over there?).
This is a good chance for you to learn more about yourself, take a few classes offered at the MFRC. This will introduce you to a lot of other spouses, with the same needs, worries and info.

Even if you are not considered common law, or married yet, the MFRC usually has options for everyone who is supporting a soldier.

Good luck on your first tour.


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## 1feral1 (26 Feb 2010)

Just don't do what my now 'ex' did, leaving me just 6 days after I returned from a full tour in  Iraq, all without warning.  I thought I had the best girl ever, and boy, was I EVER wrong.

Regards,

OWDU


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## Bzzliteyr (26 Feb 2010)

Overwatch, that is out of anyone's control.  

Sophie: when I deployed in 07, my now ex and daughter drove all the way down to Montreal, helped me put my father in the hospital then dropped me off in Valcartier on the way back through to New Brunswick.  I found it easier to do my goodbyes on the corner of the street right across from the firestation on base.  I gave the girls kisses, hugged them and told them I loved them.  I walked back over to my shacks for the night and slept.  I was in the "zone" the next morning and ready to go with a lot less stress.


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## Proud Sup Tech (26 Feb 2010)

Sophie,  

      One of the things I used to do was to write a letter or note each day.  Just chatting about the day and the little things that go on.  On the back of the envelope I would either put the date or number them so that he could read them in order.  As he would get his mail in bunches it really helped him to open them in sequence.  He would open one a day and feel like he was still part of the family.  He said that it was one of the things that helped him stay connected with us.

     The other lady was so right about picking up small things for her sweetheart when she was out and about on the town.  It really helps you think about the person who is deployed  and it gives you good feelings for the person as you pick up the small things for them.  Remember that he will not have much place to put anything so keep the items small and also send some things he can share.  Hard candies are good, gums like Excel (individually packaged and they don't melt into the packaging) and homebaked cookies.  Canada post even has special boxes you can buy that are mades just to send baked treats.

     When you start to worry (and you will) just use those thoughts as a trigger to think good thoughts about your boyfriend.  Imagine that he is surrounded by love and protection and anything else good that you can think of.  It will help you and you may be surprised about how he may wind up feeling it also.  Sounds hokey but it does work.


      There are many good books about the stress that couples go through after a deployment and how to deal with it.  The MFRC and the Social Worker office will have quite a bit of the materiel that you can read and it does help to know what may come up.

     Good luck Sophie, you are being very smart about finding out what you need to do and how to keep your relationship healthy while going through a deployment.  Keep yourself busy and get a good circle of friends.  You will do fine.


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## SARgirl (26 Feb 2010)

Sophie, 

It's wonderful that you are getting involved with your local support group and volunteering with the family center; just super.

Here are some thoughts and ‘suggestions’ for you:

Between now and when he leaves, start a list which has various sections that include all sorts of ideas for putting together care packages to send off while he is away.   A section which lists those favourite items which he likes to use and/or prefers to use, but won't have access.  How about a section with quotes to add to each hand written note and a section which lists topics you can write to him about that mean something to you and him.  Theme ideas for care packages; with a list of items he will enjoy and use.

You could also start picking up non-food items which have no expiry date to start a stash; remember to hide away these items, so he doesn't know what will be coming his way.

You could start working on making him some handmade items to send, using the computer, your craft skills or other forms of creativity, but nothing too big, so he doesn't have difficulty bringing it back with him.  Be sure he doesn't see what you're up to, so he's surprised when he receives the completed, made with love, project.

Perhaps you could take some CTMH (Close to My Heart) card classes, to give you an opportunity to have a fun night out and make some handmade cards to send to him.

Every couple develops their own language; you could play up on this, in some way, when sending care packages; this could be done in by way of hand written notes,  sending him items which will mean something special between you and him and any other way which occurs to you.

If you are a Christian family, you could start working on sending him a handmade spiritual bouquet.   There are quite a lot of different ways to do this; just need to Google it.

You could start working on his first care package and send it just before he leaves, so there is something waiting for him when he arrives or shortly thereafter.  You could also start working on some hand written notes to send to him, so you have some envelopes ready to go (rough draft on scrap, then re-write on nice stationary... don't worry too much about errors, just give them a strike out and keep writing).

Carry around a little pocket sized notepad and pen with you, so you can write down ideas, thoughts and his favourite items as they occur to you.

Start picking up items, here and there, as you can, for when you package-up the parcels (small boxes and/or plastic tubs within the allowed dimensions, binding tape, envelopes etc...).

Perhaps you could start shopping for some nice stationary sets for hand written notes: these can be tough to find, I'm constantly trying to find some, as I prefer to send hand written notes to loved ones, when I can.  I try to find the nice boxed sets, but as I said, then can be tough to find.  You could also make your own hand decorated stationary sets. 

Remember to get his thoughts on what he would like to receive in care packages and write down the details.

Maybe the two of you could start each your own journal, writing thoughts leading up to his deployment.  While he is away, he takes his journal with him and you both keep writing.  Upon his return, you exchange journals and read what each other wrote.  You could insert between some of the pages, the occasional photo and/or handwritten notes; to bind the journal, a long piece of leather lacing from a leather crafts supply shop. 

Thinking about and working on these things in advance should, to some degree, help because not only does it distract you, but it will give you something to look forward to and work on (all the fun and enjoyment you'll have creating and putting together care packages to him). 

Here are some Canadian links for you with ideas:
http://74.125.95.132/search?q=cache:wlhecxMZZmYJ:www.mainlandbcmfrc.com/images/Ideas%2520for%2520Care%2520Packages%2520for%2520Deployed%2520Soldiers.doc+soldier+care+packages+ideas&cd=7&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=ca&client=firefox-a

http://www.cafepress.ca/lovethetroops/491788

http://militarymomathome.blogspot.com/2009/01/care-package-ideas.html

http://www.mfrcmeaford.com/downloads/77.pdf

http://www.comoxmfrc.com/ideascarepkgdonations.html

This link is American, but it has a lot of good ideas: http://www.janellsretreat.com/carepackagethemes.html .  Keep in mind that, the guidelines and what one can/can't send is different for the U.S. than Canada, so while most will apply, there may be the odd item that doesn't.

Remember to send lots of letters and often.  You don't need to send a care package with every letter you write, though I would include a letter in each care package you do send.  

Try stay focused on the pros and what you can do.  There are so many ways you could use your boyfriends deployment to help your relationship grow and become even closer to one another.   

It can be a lot of fun to shop for care packages, put them together and make handmade items to be included, making the care packages mutually beneficial for both you and your boyfriend.

Hope this helps.

-----

Edited to Add:

Sophie, while there are quite a lot of suggestions and ideas throughout this thread, on other threads and www; remember not to overwhelm yourself with trying to do it all.   Start with selecting one or a couple or few or handful of this or that idea, depending upon what works for you, to work on and work towards and then go from there.   You could always work on more later on, if time and situational details permit.


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## kadriennec (23 Mar 2010)

Kudos for preparing early! A couple things I learned -  you will be notified of anything before CBC..so again, take the news with a grain of salt. My Hubby and I said goodbye at home. I think it was easier for both of us. There are piles of resources like the married to the military and the local resource centre. But while you meet other spouses in your same boat, be critical to only involve the positive ones in your life. Its so easy to fall into a pity party with other spouses. Despite the circumstances, try and keep things positive (it took me a few months to figure this one out!). Keep your family close (if possible). Try to avoid idle time - keep busy, go to the gym, visit, shop....even when you don't want to leave the house. And I think the most important thing I've learned is to stay positive with your spouse when you do get a chance to chat. Try to avoid the crying episodes and any expression of how hard it is for you...Try to stay strong and positive. I don't mean to sound critical or cold-hearted. I just think its important to allow our deployed spouses to keep their heads in the game over there by minimizing any potential distractions/worries from home. 

Good luck with everything - and the time does go fast despite how you feel in the moment. 
Cheers


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## armywife/cadetmom (25 Apr 2010)

Everyone seems to be advising on the emotional side for before and during and after tour....  Aside from  how to handle the separation and worries, you also need to make sure all your "ducks" are inn order before hand too.  If you live together, you need to make sure all joint finances are in order- if the hydro is in his name, you need to get on the file with hydro incase something happens and you need to call.....  Do you need POA?  Does he have you listed on his will, are you the NOK incase something happens, does he have a buddy he trusts to check on you? Has he let you know what his wishes would be if (as my husband puts it ..) "the bad thing happens".  Are things in order WRT any vehicles, insurance, Life insurance?  Is hee sure your listed on all the right papers in his file? ( Ie: DHs one file listed our kids info and everything, but the only reference to me was his relationship status said "married"...didnt say to whom though lol)

My DH and i are preparing for his "vacation to the sandbox", its my first time dealing with a tour, and fortunatly, im already a memeber of mil wives website you were given, so i knew from reading all the stuff that has to be done, because there is ALOT to do when your in a deep relationship or married.  Yes it is very important to find out how to deal with the separation, have support ( which i will definatly recommend the Mil wives website, as they are so kind and caring and you can ask anything, you'll never be told to "use the search function"...)  But there is alot to know.  If your near an MFRC, go in and ask for the Deployment Info package.

Best wishes!


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## SeanNewman (25 Apr 2010)

I agree that finances are the most important thing.  Money is the number one cause of divorce in regular couples who spend every day in the same house, so that is massively compounded when you aren't communicating that much.

Before he leaves, force him to put every single bit of financial information he has down on paper (even if it's in a closed envelope to be given to him on his return) with every account he has, every debt he has, his savings/mutual funds, everything he owns, every bill that is in his name, etc.

Do not stress yourself out over what you will do if anything happens to him, though.  While military deaths get a disproportionate amount of news coverage, the numbers are greatly on your side.  If you're going to focus on a number, it should be that over 10,000 Canadian troops have deployed there.  Of course nothing is guaranteed anymore than a regular person is not guaranteed that they won't get into an accident driving to work, but worrying about it just slows the time down (according to my wife).

Further to the above, even in that unlikely event you will certainly not have to do anything by yourself.  The military takes care of its own, and actually tasks people to assist those families around the clock with every resource imaginable.


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## vonGarvin (25 Apr 2010)

Petamocto said:
			
		

> Further to the above, even in that unlikely event you will certainly not have to do anything by yourself.  The military takes care of its own, and actually tasks people to assist those families around the clock with every resource imaginable.


True enough: just let the unit know where you are, any special needs you have, etc.  And *avoid the MFRC like the plague*.  I can't stress this enough.  Sure, their hearts may be in the right place, but they've buggered up enough (for me) to recommend to others to avoid them.  I refuse to deal with them, and there are more than enough other options to keep them totally out of the loop.


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## armywife/cadetmom (26 Apr 2010)

On some things i agree with avoiding the MFRC.... I am not into their warm fuzzy frufru approach to things like some of they play groups and workshops- im alot more comfortable chatting and getting advice from a group of women who dont flinch when someone drops the "f bomb" in conversation; unlike some of the  Clique-ish, pampered snobs  that myself and a few friends have encountered at playgroups at the MFRC.. ( nothing like having staff and patrons glaring at you like your a piece off poop if your young one is cranky and your stressed and it SEEMED like getting out of the house and  interacting with others might perk up weary spirits)

..BUT, that is the building here on our base where there is the Info Library where you can pick up reading material on Deployment, or info on taking second-language courses ect...



Another thing, if you are fortunate enough to be on or near a Real base, check their website for their Activities!!   Im unlucky enough to be stuck in Borden where there are none of these and it is really crappy; because Ive seen on the Petawawa, and the Kingston website ( and i bet if i looked on the others..) they do all sorts of things- Kingston is having a Spa evening for those whos spouse ison deployment, there are dinners, coffee meets; there are alot of different events for those who could use an evening or something to spend time with other people who Really know what your going through while your Love is 'over there'.

I guess it breaks down to :
A ) make sure all the paper and plans ( that God willing- none of us will ever need) in Order.
B ) make sure while they are gone, that you send some email/postal happiness  
C ) make sure you get out of the house and enjoy yourself- release stress.  Let your partner know of planned events so they know you will be out and you wont feel like you HAVE to be tethered to the phone at home or on MSN, and forward calls ect to your cell when something comes up unexpectedly.
D ) Know that eventually the calendar pages WILL turn and they will be home and you will have made it through!


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