# How do RESERVIST'S families cope during a tour?



## DAJ (4 Oct 2006)

My spouse will be deploying to Afghanistan soon...before that even happens we've already been apart for 7 months now and there's still 2 1/2 months of training still.  This is my first tour to cope with. I understand the normal cycle of emotions in regards being apart but at times it seems to be too much. Are there any reservist's families out there also coping with a tour or others who understand what's its like to not be together again for almost two years?


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## R@chel (4 Oct 2006)

Hey,

My hubby was in the Reserves for seven years before joining Reg. Force this past Feb.  While he was gone off an on during that time it was nothing like it is now.  He is currently on work-up training and is away lot, but I am thankful that he is being well trained.

I do feel bad for you in your current situation because at least when my hubby is done his ex. here or there he comes home to us.  I imagine your spouse is stationed elsewhere, so you don't get the chance to meet up or see eachother.

That being said, I can only empathize with you in you current situation and hope that you can get the much needed support her or elsewhere.  I can't imagine not being a direct part of the mil. community and living on base.  At least here I am surrounded by others who know what it is like.

If you need anything or just want to chat, vent whatever... feel free to PM me.


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## GUNS (4 Oct 2006)

101,

Check out the MFRC(Military Family Resource Center) nearest you. My wife and I go there with other families that have sons,daughters and spouses serving in the military. These people are very helpfull and go the extra mile to assist in any way.


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## probum non poenitet (4 Oct 2006)

I am not sure what reserve unit your husband is with, but I encourage you to go down to the armoury and get to know some of the people there. Keep asking around until you find someone who will listen.

The chances are that there will be other soldiers from the unit deploying, and they too will have families.
Get to know those families if you can. Set up a social circle.

It will be difficult for many civilians to understand what you will go through in the coming months. A strong social net of peers is a great help. There are no friends like army friends.

I know one of the reserve units here (Edmonton) had a very strong "family net" during the last tour. A lot of the girlfriends socialized with the other girls, and with the soldiers remaining at home. They went for pizza together, barbecues, Friday nights, etc. The girls left 'alone' were never alone. 

There were some hard times on the last tour, but I think without that net they would have been a lot harder.
I'd recommend doing this in addition to using the MFRC and anything else the CF 'officially' offers.


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## DAJ (4 Oct 2006)

R@chel said:
			
		

> At least when my hubby is done his ex. here or there he comes home to us.  I imagine your spouse is stationed elsewhere, so you don't get the chance to meet up or see eachother.




That's right, for reservists when they go away for their pre-deployment training there gone until their deployment/tour is done because they need to be on a base and their families do not go with them. That being said we see each other every six to ten weeks for a weekend, with each length of time getting longer. I'm very proud of him and know how necessary all this training is...I love being a part of the military—it’s so true there are no better friends then military friends. The unfortunate thing is the closes base with an MFRC is four hours away (I have been in contact with them by e-mail and phone, and they are very supportive but there is no support here at home). I know there's others reservist's families out there (we're scattered all over the country) who are also deploying to Afghanistan. The biggest problem I'm running into is how to get connected with these other families. Let alone setting up a social circle, which I hope one day will happen. There is no base here or military community. As far as his regiment, I didn't think I could go do there and start asking or giving my contact info out.  I've been in contact with the Regimental Padre, and he's very supportive but very busy (as he is also a civy Pastor)...and I don't understand why the regiment hasn't organized something or someone who's in the military who knows who is deploying or has access to that info to contact these families? And if this is what it's like before he leaves, what about all those soldiers (some who are reservist) returning home too? Or the ones I know of who have returned already from the last tour but with no way of contacting them, where is there support?

Thank you for your replies.


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## geo (4 Oct 2006)

probum non poenitet said:
			
		

> I am not sure what reserve unit your husband is with, but I encourage you to go down to the armoury and get to know some of the people there. Keep asking around until you find someone who will listen.
> 
> The chances are that there will be other soldiers from the unit deploying, and they too will have families.  Get to know those families if you can. Set up a social circle.



If you go to the Unit orderly room, ask for the Padre or the RSM..... both will be actively involved with the Unit's liaison group and will be able to provide some support and contacts within the military community.

Believe it or not - the RSM really does care!


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## probum non poenitet (4 Oct 2006)

C4TH 101 said:
			
		

> As far as his regiment, I didn't think I could go do there and start asking or giving my contact info out.  I've been in contact with the Regimental Padre, and he's very supportive but very busy (as he is also a civy Pastor)...and I don't understand why the regiment hasn't organized something or someone who's in the military who knows who is deploying or has access to that info to contact these families?



Your unit will have a Rear Party, and that Rear Party should make itself known to you. Do NOT take "we're too busy" or "we're too small" for an answer. (Perhaps I'm jumping the gun, but sometimes you run across people who just don't get it. I know how frustrating it can be in the Reserves sometimes.)

In fact, you may wind up doing some of the organizing yourself, which kind of sucks, but can be fun. Depends how you look at it. Maybe something as simple as a movie night, or a meet and greet. Perhaps go to the mess after a training day, and make yourself known.
Sometimes in the army you have to kick and scratch to get what you want. What you are asking for is completely within your rights - a practical support network for the hard times (and some good times).

You are right, this a problem with the scattered nature of the Reserves. But it can be worked around, usually.

It comes down to is a group of friends you can play cards with or go to the park with or complain with. You may want to ask your husband for a few names of "good eggs" in the unit that you can get to know. These should be people you can call at 3 a.m. just because you need to. You will face stress in the coming months, and you should not have to face it alone. Not by any means.

Don't worry about the Padre being busy, families of deploying members should be his top priority, IMHO. There will be other people in the Rear Party (or should be).

The key thing is no family should be alone while their loved one is gone. Close friends go a long way before, during, and after the tour.
"Forced family fun" should be an SOP in Reserve units, in my opinion, but in the meantime, do what you can with what you've got. Don't take no for an answer.


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## zanshin (14 Oct 2006)

Hey C4TH 101,
I feel your pain.  I'm not deploying until Feb, but I've been away from my wife and kids since May and then up here in Pet since June.  I've been home to see them roughly every 4 to 5 weeks.  (Miserably expensive, but I wouldn't not go home just because of the cost...)  To add to the problem, I've been out of the unit for years and had only gotten back in Feb of this year.  Therefore, while I've started a few new friendships at the unit, my wife hasn't met anyone yet (except for one social night back just after I got back in).  So she's stuck out on the outside of the loop back home.
I was just at a family briefing a few days ago here in Pet.  It was painful to hear the social workers say "ladies, you're going to be going though some tough times during those 6 months.  You'll be acting out the role of single parents and will have to deal with all the difficulties that surround that."  Arrrgh!  I wanted to scream "Hey, my wife has been in that situation for months now!  Does anybody notice her!"
Yes, at different times people have said to both of us that she can contact the unit or go into the unit or call this person or that person.  Well, I tell you what.  That's not that easy.  If she goes in, then she's perceived as whining or throwing her weight around or just an outsider trying to get something.  Why the *  dosen't someone proactively contact her?  and often?

<sigh>
Mark


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## Gunner (14 Oct 2006)

zanshin, be proactive and go to the Petawawa MFRC and ask them for a contact name/number for the nearest MFRC to your wife/family.


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## DAJ (14 Oct 2006)

zanshin said:
			
		

> Arrrgh!  I wanted to scream "Hey, my wife has been in that situation for months now!  Does anybody notice her!"



I know how that feels! But there are things you can do to ease the frustration:

-Contact your nearest MFRC and get on their mailing list. This includes e-mail’s from other MFRC’s, C/Os and Canada House in Kandahar.

-Have MFRC phone your spouse/family/girlfriend/cousin etc. at a designated time each day/ week or month. They’ll have to sign a contact form for this but then MFRC will have their contact info on file.

-Stay busy. Set small daily goals that are achievable.

-If you’re within driving distance of your local MFRC, then go done there often. They’ll have programs for kids, daycare, and activities for teens and workshops for adults. This includes singles too. 

-Even if you aren’t close to an MFRC or even if you are, they will have a lot of resources for you to take home, i.e. books for kids and teens on deployment, info about the emotional cycle of a tour, spousal communication, care package ideas and crisis intervention etc. you get the idea…

-Exercise and/or do something you love to do that’s relaxing.

-Join a support group. Even if it’s for a walk or coffee!

-Use the 24hr Member Assistance to be in contact with a counselor in your area with in 24hrs. (All numbers and contact info can be obtained at any MFRC)

-Become involved in your community. Volunteer often…if there isn’t a program running or a support network then organize it.

-Stay strong. The biggest thing with that is to realize it’s okay to feel weak.

-Do NOT say I shouldn’t feel like this or that your all-alone…cause your NOT!!

-Be in contact your unit’s Padre/Pastor, it’s someone to talk too-- for one it’s someone how is in the military and it’s their job to care. 

-If their are enough guys deploying from your unit, then contact the Padre, C/O, even the RSM to organize a family network for that deployment and future ones. Even if your spouse is the only one deploying (and I use the word ‘spouse’ often this could be your brother, boyfriend, or distant cousin) then talk to the regiment about organizing a contact list to start, then a casual get to together for families. 

This all affects us now. All the Regiments, especially the Reserve Regiments need to address the needs of their soldiers outside of the parade square. 

-Stay in contact as often as possible. E-mail, send mail and have a set phone time.

-Take pictures and send care packages. Remember it just as hard or even harder for the guys deploying—they’re the ones going without the comforts of home. 

-It doesn’t matter is it’s been 6 weeks or 8 months, you can still feel lonely and bored just the same. But it does help to know there are many families out there (me being one of them) that are coping with long periods of separation.

-There are a lot of online forums (including “How do families cope during a tour, a few tips…” on army.ca) and chat rooms for military wife’s etc. 

-And at the very least...laugh, often.

Hope this helps!


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## 1feral1 (14 Oct 2006)

Militia or Regular Force families, well in my opinion, you both share the same anxieties and other emotions which go with any deployment. whatever they be, they are once force now. There should be material to help you (thru the CF system) and other family members out. After all we are all human (us good guys anyways). Rest assured though, your partner will be trained up to an acceptable standard.

Good luck to him and his unit.

Wes


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