# More and more funnies.. vol: something...



## TN2IC (4 May 2009)




----------



## Michael OLeary (4 May 2009)

> http://i228.photobucket.com/albums/ee294/Drayasha/Motivational%20Posters/stupidity.jpg



Since the others aren't holding swords, and there are differing shoulder decorations, I suspect this is could well be a correct drill movement by an division or platoon level commander on parade.  Without seeing the entire file of soldiers, simply assuming he's wrong could be incorrect.


----------



## PMedMoe (4 May 2009)




----------



## JBoyd (4 May 2009)




----------



## R. Jorgensen (4 May 2009)




----------



## - m i l l e y - (4 May 2009)




----------



## JBoyd (14 May 2009)

;D


----------



## ENGINEERS WIFE (14 May 2009)

;D


----------



## ENGINEERS WIFE (14 May 2009)

;D


----------



## JBoyd (15 May 2009)

couldn't help but laugh at this


----------



## PMedMoe (21 May 2009)




----------



## VIChris (21 May 2009)

Holy Smokes! Fiddle Vader plays in downtown Victoria in the summer. I used to shoo the bastard away from Roger's Chocolates when I worked there during Uni. He was SOOOO bad he'd actually scare our clients away.

On with the jokes.

After a brewery convention one night, three brew masters are out for the evening. They get to a bar, and the Coors guy orders a cool, refreshing Coors. The Corona guy orders a chilled Corona, with a nice fresh slice of lime to set it off. The Molson rep orders a Coke. 

Confused, the Coors rep asks him, "What gives?" 
"Well," says the Molson rep, "if you guys aren't having beer, then neither am I."


----------



## CEEBEE501 (23 May 2009)




----------



## VIChris (26 May 2009)




----------



## PMedMoe (6 Jun 2009)




----------



## CEEBEE501 (6 Jun 2009)

haha Saw this on Fmylife.com today:



> Today I discovered after 13 weeks in BMQ I'm not going to be able to go home until january, FML


----------



## the 48th regulator (6 Jun 2009)

Always remain the rebel, no matter what!!







dileas

tess


----------



## PMedMoe (9 Jun 2009)




----------



## PMedMoe (9 Jun 2009)

Couldn't believe this one.  It could go in the dumbest thing thread.


----------



## PMedMoe (21 Jun 2009)




----------



## PMedMoe (23 Jun 2009)




----------



## PMedMoe (11 Jul 2009)




----------



## VIChris (12 Jul 2009)

A Scottish Solder in full dress uniform marches into a chemists. 
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom. 
The condom has a number of patches on it. 
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically. 
“How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the chemist. 
“Six pence,” says the chemist. 
“How much for a new one?” 
“Ten pence,”says the chemist. 
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging. 
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout. 
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face. 
“The regiment has taken a vote,” he says. 
“We’ll have a new one.”


----------



## PMedMoe (14 Jul 2009)




----------



## gaspasser (14 Jul 2009)

VIChris said:
			
		

> A Scottish Solder in full dress uniform marches into a chemists.
> Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.
> The condom has a number of patches on it.
> The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
> ...



A Proper Scot would just have it repairrred... iper:


----------



## the_girlfirend (15 Jul 2009)

It has nothing to do with the military... but it made me laugh...


ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW ....... 


Cup of Tea 

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. 

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys. 

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', 
which was just water. 
After several cups of tea and lots of praise 
for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. 

My Dad made her wait in the living room 
to watch me bring him a cup of 
tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' 
My Mom waited, and sure enough, 
here I come down the hall 
with a cup of tea for Daddy and she 
watches him drink it up. 

Then she says, (as only a mother would know..  

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'


----------



## gaspasser (15 Jul 2009)

Okay....you owe me a new monitor and some new pants!


TOOOOOOOOoooo funny....


----------



## SARgirl (22 Jul 2009)

*Military Motivational Posters*

So far, there are 4 pages in this thread:
http://madogre.lefora.com/2008/07/15/military-motivational-posters/page1/

Enjoy!


----------



## ironduke57 (27 Jul 2009)

Tour de France 1940:






 ;D

Regards,
ironduke57


----------



## CEEBEE501 (4 Aug 2009)

hahaha


----------



## XMP (6 Aug 2009)

Our American partners have the Barrett, but the Big Mac is the real deal.


----------



## GAP (10 Aug 2009)

Pregnancy Advice 
 A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea 

'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked. 

'Actually, yes, I do.' 

'Does it hurt you?' he asked. 

'No. I rather like it.' 

'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.' 

The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?' 

'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians come from?


----------



## tango22a (10 Aug 2009)

Yupper!!

tango22a


----------



## SARgirl (10 Aug 2009)

I have always thought this joke was rather funny.  Enjoy!  

*Bathroom Commode*
http://www.ebe.org.uk/joke21.htm

The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC "Does the campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That BC business really stumped him.

After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply

Dear Madam I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous even the normal delivery sounds can be heard.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.

I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember, this is a friendly community.

Sincerely,
Campground Owner

--Selected from Mikey's Funnies: http://www.mikeysfunnies.com


----------



## Fishbone Jones (11 Aug 2009)

For the Annual Company Picnic, management had decided that because of liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one  drink per person... 


I was fired for ordering the cups. 

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>


----------



## SARgirl (16 Aug 2009)

Several of these quotes are quite funny... a good laugh.  Enjoy!

*Famous military quotes!*
http://www.burtonblog.com/view.cfm?post=990


----------



## PMedMoe (17 Aug 2009)

Someone has too much time on their hands, but funny!!

Icon's Story


----------



## SARgirl (28 Aug 2009)

Enjoy!  

* 
Weapons of mass distraction FUNNY MILITARY TRAINING*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5sHcXRec_I


*Military comedy*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0gANjBrUDk
See what happens when soldiers get board, LOL...  I think it's super that troops can entertain themselves.


----------



## PMedMoe (28 Aug 2009)

Good ones, egy.

Browsing the net, I came across this:






The comments below are hilarious!


----------



## SARgirl (28 Aug 2009)

Thank you Moe.

I found these too:

*Funny Canadian Soldiers*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t3yNWvlPgZo
I have not, to date, seen jousting done like this before, gave me a laugh.

*Mad TV - Air Canada*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sy8xc_-VB5c&feature=related


----------



## PMedMoe (2 Sep 2009)

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed.  He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding.  Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.  He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again.  He tried a fourth time with the same result. The f ifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt. 



...dumbass    ;D


----------



## Eye In The Sky (2 Sep 2009)

:rofl:


----------



## GAP (3 Sep 2009)

FARM KID  in Marines 
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING) 

Dear Ma and Pa, 
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. 
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things.  No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. 
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.  Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food,  plus yours,  holds you until noon   when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. 
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.  A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. 
The sergeant is like a school teacher.  He nags a lot.  The Captain is like the school board.   Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. 
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.  I keep getting medals for shooting.   I don' t know why.  The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.  All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.  You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes. 
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.  You get to wrestle with them city boys.  I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.  It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.  I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake .. I only beat him once..  He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry. 
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in. 

Your loving daughter, 
Alice


----------



## SARgirl (3 Sep 2009)

GAP- :rofl: Hilarious!  Good post.


----------



## PMedMoe (3 Sep 2009)

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.. 

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. 

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. 

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off. 

'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered. 

'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.' 

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles'


----------



## Journeyman (3 Sep 2009)

mariomike said:
			
		

> http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/marines.asp



Great debunking. I never realized you were German


----------



## mariomike (3 Sep 2009)

Message removed. Sorry if any offence was taken.


----------



## Journeyman (3 Sep 2009)

mariomike said:
			
		

> Message removed. Sorry if any offence was taken.



Absolutely no offence.  ???

Man, if the jokes section of the site has to be explained, maybe you really do have a German sense of humour......   :


----------



## mariomike (3 Sep 2009)

Journeyman said:
			
		

> Absolutely no offence.  ???



Thanks. I am glad to read that because I enjoy your posts. I wish we could have a "Meet and Greet" here in Toronto like the one they had in Ottawa. It's nice to make an old fashioned face to face aquaintance with people you e-correspond with.  Sometimes on the computer I am hesitant to crack jokes for concern about misunderstandings and causing offence. :shaking: :shaking:
I tried to make a handshake smiley.


----------



## GAP (4 Sep 2009)

Flight attendant pick-up line 

A guy sitting at a bar at HeathrowAirport noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. 

He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?" 

Hoping to make her acquaintance, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:  

"Love to fly and it shows?" 

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: 

"Damn, she doesn't work for Delta.." 

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again  

"Something special in the air?" 

She gave him the same confused look. 

He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list. 

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan:  

"Smooth as Silk." 

This time the woman turned on him,  

"What the fuck do you want?" 

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said  

"Ahhhhha!  Air Canada ."


----------



## SARgirl (6 Sep 2009)

LOL... very funny GAP.


*----------*



*Kosovo*


> Our boys in uniform can hold a tune that rivals the Beach Boys! Authentic video of Norwegian soldiers in Kosovo. Music from the Beach Boys song "Kokomo"


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sD7UREH_rJI

Enjoy!  ;D

_Edited to add:
Warning- there is, that I noticed, one bad word said in the video._


----------



## Eye In The Sky (12 Sep 2009)

INVOLUNTARY MUSCULAR CONTRACTION 

A professor at MEMORIAL UNIVERSITY OF NEWFOUNDLAND, was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. 

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. 

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your a$$hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' 

She replied, 'Probably moose hunting with his buddies.'


----------



## Steve_D (12 Sep 2009)

:rofl:


----------



## vonGarvin (12 Sep 2009)

Journeyman said:
			
		

> Absolutely no offence.  ???
> 
> Man, if the jokes section of the site has to be explained, maybe you really do have a *German sense of humour*......   :


Germans have a very well-developed sense of humour.  And I think that this following joke points it out very well: ;D

An English couple have a child. After the birth, medical tests reveal that the child is normal, apart from the fact that it is German. This, however, should not be a problem. There is nothing to worry about. As the child grows older, it dresses in lederhosen and has a pudding bowl haircut, but all its basic functions develop normally. It can walk, eat, sleep, read and so on, but for some reason the German child never speaks. The concerned parents take it to the doctor, who reassures them that as the German child is perfectly developed in all other areas, there is nothing to worry about and that he is sure the speech faculty will eventually blossom. Years pass. The German child enters its teens, and still it is not speaking, though in all other respects it is fully functional. The German child's mother is especially distressed by this, but attempts to conceal her sadness. One day she makes the German child, who is now 17 years old and still silent, a bowl of tomato soup, and takes it through to him in the parlour where he is listening to a wind-up gramophone record player. Soon, the German child appears in the kitchen and suddenly declares, "Mother. This soup is a little tepid." The German child's mother is astonished. "All these years," she exclaims, "we assumed you could not speak. And yet all along it appears you could. Why? Why did you never say anything before?" "Because, mother," answers the German child, "up until now, everything has been satisfactory."

_Ja.  Das ist lustig!_


----------



## vonGarvin (12 Sep 2009)

A man jumps out of a plane for the first time. At 3,000m he tries to undo his parachute, but the cord fails. At 2,000m he tries to open the emergency chute but that doesn't work either. At 1,000m he bumps into a man wearing blue overalls, carrying a spanner. "Can you repair parachutes?" asks the first man. "'Fraid not," says the other. "I only do boilers."
_Das ist lustiger_


----------



## vonGarvin (12 Sep 2009)

Three priests hold a meeting to discuss where life begins. The evangelical priest says, "No question about it, life begins when the child is born." "No, no," says the Catholic priest, "it all starts when the sperm meets the egg." "You're both wrong," says the Rabbi. "Life begins when the children have left home and the dog is dead."

_Das ist am lustigsten_
;D


----------



## vonGarvin (12 Sep 2009)

And who could forget THIS classic:
Der Ehemann findet seine Frau mit dem Arzt im Bett. Der Arzt versucht zu erklären: "Ich wollte nur das Fieber messen!"
Der Mann holt seelenruhig sein Gewehr aus dem Schrank und meint: "Jetzt ziehen Sie ihn ganz langsam raus und wenn keine Zahlen draufstehen, dann Gnade Ihnen Gott!"


:rofl:

(A man comes home to find his wife in bed with the doctor.  The doctor declares that he's just checking her temperature.  The man calmly goes to his closet and pulls out his rifle and says, "Now take it out, nice and slow, and if there are no numbers on it, may God have mercy on you.")


----------



## mariomike (12 Sep 2009)

Midnight Rambler said:
			
		

> A man jumps out of a plane for the first time. At 3,000m he tries to undo his parachute, but the cord fails. At 2,000m he tries to open the emergency chute but that doesn't work either. At 1,000m he bumps into a man wearing blue overalls, carrying a spanner. "Can you repair parachutes?" asks the first man. "'Fraid not," says the other. "I only do boilers."
> _Das ist lustiger_



Here's an old one:
"What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant."


----------



## Larkvall (15 Sep 2009)

Breaking News

World condemns preemptive use of Hillary against Pakistan

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uH8owcMHc34


----------



## Eye In The Sky (22 Sep 2009)

Why Parents Drink 


A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' 

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. 


Dear Dad: 

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. 

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. 

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant. 

Stacy said that we will be very happy. 

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. 

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. 
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. 

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so 

Stacy can get better. She deserves it. 

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. 

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can 

get to know your grandchildren. 

Love, 

Your Son John  


PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.  I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. 

Call me when it's safe to come home.


----------



## SARgirl (22 Sep 2009)

Eye In The Sky, that's a really good one... I hadn't heard this one before, very good, thank you for sharing.


----------



## PMedMoe (24 Sep 2009)

;D


----------



## CEEBEE501 (24 Sep 2009)




----------



## GAP (24 Sep 2009)

Divorce Cakes


----------



## SARgirl (25 Sep 2009)

> « Reply #61 on: Yesterday at 15:08:33 »





> « Reply #62 on: Yesterday at 15:20:20 »


Moe and CEEBEE501, Great posts, very funny, gave me a laugh... I really needed to smile today, thank you. 

*----------*



> « Reply #63 on: Yesterday at 15:33:32 »


Wow GAP... Divorce Cakes... hmmm... interesting; gave me a chuckle simply because I had never seen or heard of such cakes before.  However, I do remember going into a card shop some years ago and while looking through the cards I came across a couple of cards to give to someone who had been divorced; never expected to see such cards, but I guess they have cards... and now cakes, for just about everything these days.


----------



## vonGarvin (25 Sep 2009)

Where's the divorce cakes with dude taking _her_ out to the garbage, beheading her, etc?


----------



## CEEBEE501 (25 Sep 2009)




----------



## Steve_D (25 Sep 2009)

Now that one is just wrong on so many levels.


----------



## CEEBEE501 (29 Sep 2009)




----------



## PMedMoe (30 Sep 2009)

If your wedding was so camouflaged that only three guests found it.......

.......you might be a red neck!






Although, I have to give the bridesmaids credit for having matching dresses compared to the guys' outfits.   :


----------



## Loachman (30 Sep 2009)

A new line for CP Gear, perhaps?


----------



## CEEBEE501 (9 Oct 2009)




----------



## kratz (9 Oct 2009)

CEEBEEE501,

You already posted that photo in this thread, reply # 12


----------



## CEEBEE501 (9 Oct 2009)

Same picture different caption tho


----------



## JBoyd (11 Oct 2009)

wife showed me this today... after I bought some girl guide cookies


----------



## Hammer Sandwich (12 Oct 2009)

A little lesson on tolerance.....

So, there's this fella who lives downtown...regular guy, real nice, never causes trouble for his fellow human beings.

The only thing is, he's got a pretty severe case of Leprosy. And I mean severe....things missing, open, weepy lesions, the whole nine yards.  
But of course, through the miracles of modern medicine, he's not contagious, and can live a "normal" life.

This fella's lived in the same neighborhood his whole life, and everyone knows and likes him, and has seen that despite his appearance, he is a person, the same as them, and worthy of the same treatment that everyone else enjoys. there's a little diner where he eats breakfast every morning, and that's where our story begins.

He walks in, takes his regular booth, and waves to the waitress for his usual. He does notice though, a person he's never seen before getting an eyeful. The Leper pays him no mind, and digs in.

After a couple of minutes, he hears a sharp intake of breath, and a low, guttural groan. He whips around, and casts a pus-filled eye at the "new guy". The new fella quickly blurts out, "sorry, sorry..."

The Leper turns back around, and resumes eating.

A moment later, he hears, "Oh sweet Jeeeesus....oh man..."

Again, the Leper swivels, and says, "Enough, pal...shut it up."

The new guy nods his assent.

After a few more tense minutes, the new guy breaks...."That's horrible, O God, O no, that's the most horrible thing I've ever seen!!!"

The Leper stands up, walks a few paces, and gets in the new guy's face.

"ALRIGHT, YOU LISTEN TO ME!...I HAVE A DISEASE, AND I CAN'T HELP THAT. NOT ONE OTHER PERSON IN THIS DINER HAS AN ISSUE WITH ME, WHAT THE F--- IS YOUR F---ING PROBLEM?!?!?!"

The new guy pauses...and looks up sheepishly.

"L-l-listen...I-I-I-I'm real sorry man, it's not you...it's the guy dipping his toast in your back."


----------



## VIChris (12 Oct 2009)

What did the leper say to the hooker?





'Keep the tip...'


----------



## PMedMoe (14 Oct 2009)




----------



## JBoyd (18 Oct 2009)




----------



## GAP (20 Oct 2009)

True Political Spin

It just all depends on how you look at some things...

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows  in Montana territory: 

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.' 

So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle. 

Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research: 
"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed." 

That's real POLITICAL SPIN


----------



## mariomike (20 Oct 2009)

GAP said:
			
		

> Believe it or not, Harry Reid's



That's an old joke, but still a good one! It's been told against various politicians of the day, including Al Gore and Stephan Dion. 
( That's "Black Jack" Ketchum in the photo ).
This is what passes for funny on TV in Japan:
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=fe3_1255457078


----------



## PMedMoe (24 Oct 2009)

In keeping with current events........







 :rofl:


----------



## observor 69 (24 Oct 2009)

GAP said:
			
		

> True Political Spin
> 
> It just all depends on how you look at some things...
> 
> Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.




http://www.snopes.com/politics/humor/horsethief.asp


----------



## mariomike (24 Oct 2009)

Baden Guy, it looks like you, and I, have what someone calls a "German" sense of humour! hahahaha
I hope you are coming to our M and G!  ;D


----------



## MikeL (24 Oct 2009)

>


----------



## Eye In The Sky (26 Oct 2009)

Thank you letter:

This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.

Dear Lions Bay School ,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for the kindness shown to a forgotten old lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to fuck off.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Edna


----------



## MikeL (26 Oct 2009)

Road Crossing Fail

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtFT-74iV7I


----------



## gcclarke (27 Oct 2009)

-Skeletor- said:
			
		

> Road Crossing Fail
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtFT-74iV7I



Huh. Weird. I didn't know that synchronized falling flat on your face was an Olympic Sport now. Either way, those were some nice precise movements.


----------



## FDO (27 Oct 2009)

Army drill is always perfect. A real treat to watch!


----------



## Nfld Sapper (27 Oct 2009)

Can we have that broken down into squads for ease of learning

 ;D


----------



## Journeyman (30 Oct 2009)

It's Drunk Pumpkins time of year again.


----------



## mariomike (31 Oct 2009)

A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, "Major, when was the last time you had sex?"

"1956," was his reply.

"No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Major, you need to get out more!"

"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch, "It's only 2014 now."

**Don't forget to turn back your clocks tonight and enjoy that extra hour of sleep. ( Unless you are retired, in which case you can sleep in every day! )


----------



## PMedMoe (3 Nov 2009)

And something we can all relate to.......


----------



## FDO (4 Nov 2009)

That's no tribble at all!

(I wanted to be the first)


----------



## IBM (5 Nov 2009)

Nothing beats bottled water...in a can.


----------



## IBM (5 Nov 2009)

Anyone who's ever worn a uniform can relate to the first one here:


----------



## IBM (5 Nov 2009)

Saving the best for last...


----------



## gaspasser (5 Nov 2009)

pffft, only in Irsael!!!!   

Live the Day!!


----------



## Loachman (6 Nov 2009)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2nx6TiegRL4&feature


----------



## SARgirl (7 Nov 2009)

EITS - great letter, where do you find this stuff.  (#85)

-Skeletor- I saw this video some time ago; still gives me a laugh every time I see it.  (#86)

Moe- the death by power point; so true many-a-times, good post. (#92)

Loachman- great link, just so funny. (#98)

=====

It's nice to have a thread on the forum by where so many can share that which gives the gift of laughter.  :nod:


----------



## Retired AF Guy (7 Nov 2009)

Be careful what you say to the cat!


----------



## ENGINEERS WIFE (7 Nov 2009)




----------



## IBM (8 Nov 2009)

These demotivational posters never fails to make me smile:


----------



## IBM (8 Nov 2009)

This guy must have been REALLY bored manning that checkpoint all day: ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_FaDhnkzqTU


----------



## ENGINEERS WIFE (20 Nov 2009)

>


----------



## GAP (2 Dec 2009)

Proofreading is a dying art


  


Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter  
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!  They put in a correction the next day.
  


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.    
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says  
      No crap, really? Ya think?  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers   
       Now that's taking things a bit far!  
  -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over   
       What a guy!    
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 


Miners Refuse to Work after Death  
 No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant   
See if that works any better than a fair trial! 
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


War Dims Hope for Peace   
 I can see where it might have that effect!  
 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


 If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile  
   Ya think?!  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures   
      Who would have thought!  
 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide    
They may be on to something!  
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges   
      You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?  
  -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge   
     He probably IS the battery charge!  
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

   
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group   
Weren't they fat enough?!  
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft   
That's what he gets for eating those beans!  
 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks   
       Do they taste like chicken? 
****************************************


Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half   
       Chainsaw Massacre all over again!  
 ***************************************************


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors   
       Boy, are they tall!  
 **************************************************************


And the winner is....   
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead     
     Did I read that right?


----------



## GAP (2 Dec 2009)

.


----------



## VIChris (23 Dec 2009)

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party.  We turned
on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet
and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.  The taxi arrived and
we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.  We didn't want
the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat.  The cat
runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't
want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night..  So, she
explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,

'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab.  'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as
we drove away.  'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.  I had to poke
her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I
grabbed her by the neck.  Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her
from scratching me.  But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and
threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car.


----------



## PMedMoe (26 Dec 2009)

In keeping with the season........







 ;D


----------



## CEEBEE501 (12 Jan 2010)

No car bombs allowed!


----------



## BearPusher (12 Jan 2010)

I think he's onto something...


----------



## Hammer Sandwich (24 Jan 2010)

Is there anything that can't be said with a motivational poster?


----------



## PMedMoe (24 Jan 2010)

Hammer Sandwich said:
			
		

> Is there anything that can't be said with a motivational poster?


Yes, the fact that your fourth attachment is *neither motivational nor funny*.  

Edit to add:  I get that it implies that "Canadians" as a whole are not at war, but on first read, it struck me as saying Canadian soldiers were not at war.


----------



## Hammer Sandwich (25 Jan 2010)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> Yes, the fact that your fourth attachment is *neither motivational nor funny*.
> 
> Edit to add:  I get that it implies that "Canadians" as a whole are not at war, but on first read, it struck me as saying Canadian soldiers were not at war.



My apologies entirely...not the intent at all. More of a comment on how even though the population of this country may or may not support the effort overseas, all of us reap the freedoms granted by those who serve. 
-Mods, feel free to delete if this may be misconstrued.

P


----------



## CEEBEE501 (4 Feb 2010)

i see a new form is in the works


----------



## PMedMoe (8 Feb 2010)

Universal Laws

1.  Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2.  Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3.  Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.  Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5.  Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6.  Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7.  Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8.  Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9.  Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10.  Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.  Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.  They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance.  The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12.  The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13.  Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14.  Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15.  Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16.  Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17.  Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.  Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19.  Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.


----------



## PMedMoe (8 Feb 2010)




----------



## Rifleman62 (14 Feb 2010)

Press Release: *Union Negotiations - Strike Imminent!*

For immediate release

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement. 

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife. The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. 

General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth." Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out  that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?" 

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. "How am I  supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden. 

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........ it's too much to swallow." Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will put down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren. 

Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent and the entire Australian Continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway."


----------



## MikeL (14 Feb 2010)

Hammer Sandwich said:
			
		

> My apologies entirely...not the intent at all. More of a comment on how even though the population of this country may or may not support the effort overseas, all of us reap the freedoms granted by those who serve.
> -Mods, feel free to delete if this may be misconstrued.
> 
> P



would have been better if you just changed a few words from the original

http://arkjournal.com/uploaded_images/America-is-at-the-Mall-730517.jpg

example of what should have been written.
Canada is not at war. The Canadian Forces are at war. Canada is at the mall


----------



## 40below (14 Feb 2010)

Hammer Sandwich said:
			
		

> Is there anything that can't be said with a motivational poster?



That fourth one is a clumsy Canadian 'shop of a U.S. meme that's been around since at least Gulf War I:


----------



## Yrys (14 Feb 2010)

Russia farmer convicted of planting landmines in field 

A Russian farmer has been convicted of planting landmines 
around his field to ward off trespassers.


add : I thought it fas funny that he use such extreme mesures
for thief, and that he can't do it on his land.

Maybe I don't have a "commen sense" humour today...


----------



## PMedMoe (14 Feb 2010)

Yrys, I think your link is screwed up.

Also, why is this in the jokes thread?


----------



## ENGINEERS WIFE (14 Feb 2010)




----------



## MikeL (18 Feb 2010)

Here's a website made by a US Marine, has a weekly comic strip. It's about the USMC, but some of it relates to the CF aswell.

http://terminallance.com/

http://terminallance.com/?p=221 - Anyone who has ever used the AN/PVS 7 will relate to this one

http://terminallance.com/?p=143 - And anyone who plays Modern Warfare 2


----------



## PMedMoe (22 Feb 2010)

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and explained by using a Q & A format:

Q.  What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A.  It's money the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money ?

A.  From taxpayers.

Q.  So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A.  Only a smidgen of it.

Q.  What is the purpose of this payment ?

A.  The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q.  But isn't that stimulating the economy of China  ?

A.  Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Canadian Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

*  If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .

*  If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

*  If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China .

*  If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Chile, Honduras and Guatemala.

*  If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

*  If  you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

*  If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in Canada by:

1)  Spending it at yard sales, or

2)  Going to hockey games, or

3)  Spending it on prostitutes, or

4)  Beer, or

5)  Tattoos.

(These are the only Canadian businesses still operating)

Conclusion:

Go to a Hockey game with a tattooed prostitute you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!


----------



## mariomike (23 Feb 2010)

Just a joke I saw, and remember from back when we were kids. 

A guy was in the doghouse with his wife, so he sent her a check payable for "1,000 hugs and kisses". 
Only to receive a letter back informing him, "Thanks for the cheque. The milkman cashed it this morning."  

I guess it's kind of corny now, but looking back, we were always making up stories and jokes like that.


----------



## Journeyman (23 Feb 2010)

A friend sent me this link to I am awesome.com.

I seem to attract weird people sometimes.




You people know who you are  :nod:


----------



## PMedMoe (25 Feb 2010)

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. 

"Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" 

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, sir.  I'm only here to wash your upper body."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" 

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. 

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. 

Then, she takes a close look and says, "No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, sir !!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely..... 





A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?"  

   ;D


----------



## tango22a (25 Feb 2010)

Good One, Moe!!!


tango22a


----------



## observor 69 (28 Feb 2010)

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

       
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. 
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)  
  
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.


----------



## GAP (3 Mar 2010)

Shorties: Stupid Human Tricks  
http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2000-45.html
2000 Darwin Award Nominee
Unconfirmed by Darwin
Robert, 37, shot himself while explaining gun safety to his wife in Glendale, California, when he placed a .45-caliber pistol he thought was unloaded under his chin and pulled the trigger. Shovestall's wife told police that the incident occurred after her complaints about her husband's 70 guns prompted him to demonstrate their safety.

A 23-year-old bar-brawler who had been escorted out of the Turtle Club in Florida by a bouncer, sneaked back in and leaped off a staircase, aiming a kick at another man, but was killed when he landed on his head.

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet, didn't put enough postage on a letter bomb, and it came back marked "return to sender." He opened the package and was blown away.

Two animal rights activists were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn by freeing a captive herd. Suddenly all two thousand of pigs stampeded through the gate they were opening, and trampled the hapless protesters to death.

News of the Weird reports that in September 1996 a man was crushed to death on a stairway at the Sammis Real Estate and Insurance office in Huntington, N.Y., while he was stealing the office's 600-pound safe. He apparently violated that cardinal rule of hauling massive objects: Never stand on a step lower than the one the safe is on. The safe was empty at the time of the incident.

In San Jose, California, Herman, an avid hunter, used the butt of his shotgun to bash his girlfriend's windshield during an argument. But his loaded gun accidentally discharged into his stomach, killing him and ending the argument.

"I cannot help but notice that there is no problem between us that cannot be solved by your departure."

DarwinAwards.com © 1994 - 2009


----------



## observor 69 (4 Mar 2010)

Funny or Die's Presidential Reunion :

Barack Obama gets a surprise visit in the night from ex-Presidents Bush Sr., Bush Jr., Clinton, Ford, Reagan and Carter to get a few pointers about the Consumer Financial Protection Agency and why it's so

 http://www.funnyordie.com/


----------



## PMedMoe (9 Mar 2010)

;D


----------



## xena (10 Mar 2010)

It made me larf...


----------



## PMedMoe (15 Mar 2010)

THIS IS SPARTA!!!!


----------



## PMedMoe (18 Mar 2010)

:rofl:


----------



## GAP (18 Mar 2010)

.


----------



## VIChris (25 Mar 2010)




----------



## TN2IC (26 Mar 2010)

*Looks outside dispatch window*


You lied!!!    ;D


----------



## GAP (4 Apr 2010)

The Navy Invented Sex

A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.

After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'

Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.

'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named 

after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'

The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'

The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'

The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'

The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he 

says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'

The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.' 



You May Be a Taliban, If ...



   1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

   2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

   3. You have more wives than teeth.

   4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

   5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

   6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

   7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

   8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

   9. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

  10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

  11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

  12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.


----------



## mariomike (6 Apr 2010)

Not sure if this has been posted, but I like it. Grey Power Rules! :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGBcY2IoFSg&feature=related


----------



## bdave (6 Apr 2010)

GAP said:
			
		

> The argument continued until the greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he
> 
> says...... 'The greeks invented sex!'
> 
> The Italian replies, 'That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women.'



Fix'd for originality.


----------



## GAP (6 Apr 2010)

Ever wonder in your relationship, how 'the fight' started...: 

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
bed.

I turned to her and said,

'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,'

she answered.

I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying

'Yes.'

So I said,

'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please..'

He said,

'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked,
'What's on TV?'
I said,
'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary..
She said,

'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby
table.
I asked her,
'Do you know him?'
'Yes,'
she sighed,
'He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!'
I said,
'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER:

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck,
the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


----------



## GAP (6 Apr 2010)

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!  If you skip any, you have to read the last one!  Unbelievable, but supposedly all true!!!!     

=================================   

Tech support:   What kind of computer do you have? 

Female customer:   A white one... 

  =============== 
  
Customer:   Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out. 
Tech support:  Have you tried pushing the Button? 
Customer:  Yes, sure, it's really stuck. 
Tech support:  That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. 
Customer:  No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry.... 

 =============== 

Tech support:  Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. 
Customer:  Your left or my left? 

 =============== 

Tech support:  Good day. How may I help you? 
Male customer:   Hello... I can't print. 
Tech support: Would you click on 'start'  for me and... 
Customer:  Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates. 


 =============== 


Customer:  Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'.  I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it... 


 ============== = 


Customer:  I have problems printing in red... 
Tech support:  Do you have a color printer? 
Customer:  Aaaah....................thank you. 


 =============== 


Tech support:  What's on your monitor now, ma'am? 
Customer:   A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies. 


 =============== 


Customer:   My keyboard is not working anymore. 
Tech support:  Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? 
Customer:  No. I can't get behind the computer. 
Tech support:  Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. 
Customer:!   OK 
Tech support:   Did the keyboard come with you? 
Customer:  Yes 
Tech support:  That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? 
Customer:  Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work... 


 =============== 


Tech support:   Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. 
Customer:  Is that 7 in capital letters ? 


 == ============= 


Customer:  can't get on the Internet. 
Tech support:  Are you sure you used the right password? 
Customer:  Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. 
Tech support:  Can you tell me what the password was? 
Customer:  Five stars. 


 =============== 


Tech support:   What anti-virus program do you use? 
Customer:  Netscape. 
Tech support:  That's not an anti-virus program. 
Customer:  Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer. 


 =============== 


Customer:   I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears. 


 =============== 


Tech support:  How may I help you? 
Customer:  I'm writing my first e-mail. 
Tech support:  OK,  and what seems to be the problem? 
Customer:  Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it? 


 =============== 


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. 
Tech support:  Are you running it under windows? 
Customer:  'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.  The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his  printer is working fine.' 


 =============== 


And last but not least... 

Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.' 
Customer:  I don't have a P. 
Tech support:  On your keyboard, Colin. 
Customer:   What do you mean? 
Tech support:  'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin. 
Customer:  I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!


----------



## GAP (7 Apr 2010)

I was out with family and friends at a local pub.  

They had a contest going on at the pub ----and of course we all joined in.  

I was doing quite well, proud of being able to answer all the questions.

I lost out on winning the pub quiz by one point.  

The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?" 

I was wrong...................apparently its Africa.


----------



## DexOlesa (7 Apr 2010)

My buddies and I had just passed Aircrew selection and went to a bar to celebrate, we were getting our orders and the waitress asked "So whats the occasion?" we told her we had just passed the military's aircrew selection. One guy jokingly said "Yeah we're Naval Aviators" (yeah we all watched topgun that night can you blame us  :  ) she looked at us and said "oh? is that like aviation?"..........................


----------



## Fishbone Jones (8 Apr 2010)

DexOlesa said:
			
		

> My buddies and I had just passed Aircrew selection and went to a bar to celebrate, we were getting our orders and the waitress asked "So whats the occasion?" we told her we had just passed the military's aircrew selection. One guy jokingly said "Yeah we're Naval Aviators" (yeah we all watched topgun that night can you blame us  :  ) she looked at us and said "oh? is that like aviation?"..........................



 ??? Guess you had to be there.


----------



## DexOlesa (8 Apr 2010)

hey you said dumbest not funniest. This chick was the dumbest waitress I have EVER seen.


----------



## DexOlesa (8 Apr 2010)

and now I am the dumbest thing I've heard today as this is NOT the thread I thought I was posting in.


----------



## fischer10 (8 Apr 2010)

DexOlesa said:
			
		

> and now I am the dumbest thing I've heard today as this is NOT the thread I thought I was posting in.



WIN! You made my day and I JUST woke up. Going to be a great day!

Here is something to add: 

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/129124422793160673.jpg


----------



## DexOlesa (8 Apr 2010)

You're welcome. Always glad to help ;D


----------



## gt102 (8 Apr 2010)




----------



## PMedMoe (11 Apr 2010)

This struck me as funny/cute:


----------



## ENGINEERS WIFE (12 Apr 2010)




----------



## PMedMoe (12 Apr 2010)

:rofl:


----------



## GAP (12 Apr 2010)

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.

The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he 

hides underneath the bed."

The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared 

that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady 

next door."

=======================

A man walk into a supermarket and notices a beautiful woman staring at him.

She stares for quite some time, so finally the man asked "Do I know you?"

The woman answers "I think your the father of one of my kids".

The man thinks for a minute then 

realizes this kid she is talking about must be the result of the one and only 

time he ever cheated on his wife.

So he says to the woman "are you the stripper that was at my best friends 

bachelor party about 5 years ago?" 

"You know, the one I had sex with on the pool table while your friend 

spanked my bare ass with a whip?"

The woman looks at him horrified and says "No, I'm your son's teacher".
===============================

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of 

effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and 

crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree 

again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, 

while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. 

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think 

it's time to tell him he's adopted." 
==============================

An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. 

"Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"?

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said.

Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"?

"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she 

replied. He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"?

"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother 

replies.

The mother paused and said to her son... "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are 

you so curious"
========================

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on 

Santa's lap. Santa asks, 'What would you like Santa to bring you for 

Christmas'?

The little girl replies, 'I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe'.

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, 'I thought Barbie 

comes with Ken'.

'No', said the little girl. 'She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.'
========================

Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and 

proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy, 

"Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replies.

The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for?"

"Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me. They're for him. He's 

my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be 

able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."


----------



## gt102 (12 Apr 2010)




----------



## PMedMoe (15 Apr 2010)

An amusing website:  Things People Said

An example from the "Anecdotes of Stupidity" section:

At the fish hatchery where I work, we have a small display that describes the now-extinct Michigan Grayling (a kind of fish). This summer, I had the following conversation with a tourist:

Tourist: "Is the Grayling still extinct?" 
Me: "Yes sir, it doesn't exist anymore." 
Tourist: "Any thoughts of bringing it back?" 
Me: "No, I don't think that's possible." 
Tourist: "Why not?" 
Me: "Because it's extinct." 
Tourist: "Still?" 
Me: "Yes." 

Frustrated, he left. 

 ;D


----------



## 40below (15 Apr 2010)

It's from an American milblog, but it's relevant:


----------



## Occam (15 Apr 2010)

I don't think the author intended this to be funny, yet....

From the Maritime Command Bulletin Board:

_In conjunction with Law Day, lawyers from the Nova Scotia branch of the Canadian Bar Association will present a free evening seminar entitled, “Wills and Estates: What Military Personnel Need to Know” from 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. Thursday, April 15, 2010 at the Shearwater gymnasium. Then, on Saturday, April 17, 2010, come celebrate Law Day at the Spring Garden Road courthouse from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. Free events include a military court martial mock trial, speakers, police car demonstrations, tours of the jail cells, and face painting.

Casual care is available, please register by 13 April. _ 

What a great outing for the wife and kids!   ;D


----------



## GAP (15 Apr 2010)

Today, my friend had to take my cat who has a tumor to be put down when I wasn't home since I couldn't bare to take him myself. I have two cats. He took the wrong one. FML

http://www.fmylife.com/tops?page=2


----------



## Baloo (15 Apr 2010)

Today, is the day my husband was supposed to come home from a six month tour at sea. I heard the door bell ring. I sprinted to the door expecting to hold my honey bear, instead two uniformed sailors with a folded flag greeted me. I burst into tears. My husband walked up behind me. He laughed. FML

http://www.fmylife.com/tops?page=2


----------



## PMedMoe (16 Apr 2010)

*Dead man wins mayor's race in U.S. town*

A dead man has been elected mayor of Tracy City, Tenn.

Carl Robin Geary died suddenly a few weeks ago. But he received 268 votes anyway in Tuesday’s nonpartisan election, beating out incumbent Barbara Brock with 85 votes in the two-candidate race.

An election administrator, Donna Basham, said Wednesday she wouldn’t speculate on why Geary won posthumously but noted his death had been widely reported at the time in this corner of southeastern Tennessee.

 :rofl:

Never mind FML, you know you must suck when a dead guy beats you in a mayoral race.   ;D


----------



## PMedMoe (19 Apr 2010)

For those of you considering having children:


----------



## gcclarke (20 Apr 2010)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> For those of you considering having children:



Hmmmm. The "No" from "Do you drink coffee?" should only be pointing towards "can you start?" and it's missing a "No" response to the question "Are you still in college?" Other than that, decently amusing. C+.


----------



## gt102 (20 Apr 2010)




----------



## PMedMoe (20 Apr 2010)

Thought about posting this in the "Dumb Criminals" thread, but it's just too funny....

*Driver banned after operating toy car drunk*

Paul Hutton, 40, said he regrets the decision to use the toy - *which can reach a top speed of 6.4 km/h* - to drive to a friend's house after he had been drinking, Britain's Daily Mail newspaper reported.

......

The newspaper reported Essex Police initially gave Hutton a warning, but when Hutton ignored them and *slowly* pulled away from the officers, they arrested him.

 :rofl:

I wonder if they chased him down on foot?   ;D


----------



## GAP (21 Apr 2010)

How can you live without knowing these things? 

1. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...
Ladies Forbidden" ... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

2. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma
Flintstone.

3. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

4. Men can read smaller print better than women can; women can hear better.

5. Coca-Cola was originally green.

6. It is impossible to lick your elbow.

7. The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

8. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get this...) 
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

9. The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

10. The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

11. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

12. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

13. The youngest pope was 11 years old.

14. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

15. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

16. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David 
Hearts - Charlemagne 
Clubs -Alexander, the Great 
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

17. A cute mathematical trick: 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

18. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the
person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds
received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

19. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and
Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't
added until 5 years later.

20. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
Their birthplace

21. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? 
Obsession

22. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find
the letter "A"?
One thousand

23. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all
have in common?
All invented by women.

24. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
Honey

25. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
Father's Day

26. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you
pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence
the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight."

27. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the
wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could
drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period
was called the honey month... which we know today as the honeymoon.

28. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts,
and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."

29. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or
handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to
get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

30. At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.


----------



## GAP (21 Apr 2010)

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists:

A Yale graduate, and A Newfoundlander.

They were given a single word, then allowed two minutes to come up
with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '.

The Yale graduate steps to the microphone and said:

 'SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND 
  TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
  MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO
  DESTINATION - TIMBUKTU '.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the Newfie top that, they thought.

The Newfoundlander calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

'ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,
 MET T'REE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.
 DEY WAS T'REE, AND WE WAS TWO,
 SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU '!

 The Newfie won hands down.

===========================

The Candy With The Little Hole - Lifesavers


This should make you smile. 
You have to love little kids. 

The children began to identify the flavors by their color: 

Red.....................Cherry 
Yellow.................Lemon 
Green...................Lime 
Orange ...............Orange 

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None 
of the children could identify the taste. 

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your 
mother may sometimes call your father.' 

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and 
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!
======================

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 70.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 


'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'  

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.


He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?


----------



## dregeneau (21 Apr 2010)

Hillbilly on riding mower tasered......"I think I cr#pped my pants!"

http://www.break.com/index/hillybilly-on-riding-mower-tasered.html


----------



## GAP (21 Apr 2010)

Interesting Facts 

1. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would
have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)

2. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough
gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)

3. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)
(How'd they figure this out, and why?)

4. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still can't get over that pig thing)
(Don't try this at home...maybe at work?)

5. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
(And pigs get 30-minute orgasms?  Doesn't seem fair)

6. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmmmmm........)

7. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)

8. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its
own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...?)
(Did taxpayers pay for this research??)

9. Polar bears are left handed.
(Who knew....?  Who cares?  How'd they find out, did they ask them?)

10. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

11. The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??  And why pigs?)

12. A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.
(Creepy)

13. The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.
The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home.  What the....)
(Well, at least pigs get a break there...)

14. Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I still want to be a pig ...  quality over quantity)

15. Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Oh, Geez)  (That's almost as bad as catfish)

16. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. 
(I know some people like that.)

17. Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too.)


----------



## PMedMoe (22 Apr 2010)




----------



## Retired AF Guy (22 Apr 2010)

GAP said:
			
		

> How can you live without knowing these things?
> 
> 5. Coca-Cola was originally green.



 False. The bottles may have been green, but the drink never.



> 16. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
> Spades - King David
> Hearts - Charlemagne
> Clubs -Alexander, the Great
> Diamonds - Julius Caesar



 False.  



> 17. A cute mathematical trick: 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321



Probably true. My calculators only go up to 11,111,111 X 11,111,111 but my answer is 1234567.8



> 24. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
> Honey


  Possibly true. I had jars of honey I bought in Italy and brought back to Canada and kept six-seven years and gave to friends and they loved it!



> 27. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the
> wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could
> drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period
> was called the honey month... which we know today as the honeymoon.



I thought it was the Celtics and ancient Germans who drank mead, not Babylonians. And isn't it considered a "wine" not "beer?"



> 30. At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.



I know I tried!  ;D


----------



## DexOlesa (22 Apr 2010)

You got wrong answer cause you are missing a digit in each of those. its 111,111,111 not 11,111,111. I just did it and it is the correct answer.


----------



## CougarKing (22 Apr 2010)

Hell hath no fury like a man scorned!  >

link



> By Stephanie Reitz, The Associated Press
> 
> 
> HARTFORD, Conn. - *A man who was feuding with his neighbour targeted her in an explicit online posting that invited strangers to a rowdy orgy with a bored soccer mom*, police said.
> ...


----------



## PMedMoe (27 Apr 2010)

I agree.   :nod:


----------



## Rifleman62 (28 Apr 2010)

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2010 
Number 10 
Life is sexually transmitted. 

Number 9 
Good health is merely the slowest possible 
rate at which one can die. 

Number 8 
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. 
If you see him without an erection, 
make him a sandwich . 

Number 7 
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, 
teach a person to use the Internet and 
they won't bother you for weeks. 

Number 6 
Some people are like a Slinky ... 
Not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when 
you shove them down the stairs. 

Number 5 
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, 
lying in hospitals, dying of nothing. 

Number 4 
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. 
It pays no attention to Criticism. 

Number 3 
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00, 
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00? 

Number 2 
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. 
Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. 

And The Number 1 Thought For 2010

"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers; 
What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"


----------



## Rifleman62 (28 Apr 2010)

STUD ROOSTER

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 

'OK old fart, Time for you to retire.' 
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle 
ALL of these chickens. 
Look what it has done to me 
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says, 
'Beat it: You are washed up 
And I am taking over.' 

The old rooster says, 
'I tell you what, young stud. 
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' 

 The young rooster laughs. 
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. 
So, just to be fair, 
I will give you a head start.' 

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. 
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. 

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast! 
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch 
When he sees the roosters running by. 

The Old Rooster is squawking 
And running as hard as he can. 
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM - 
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 

'Dammit......
Third gay rooster I bought this month.' 

Moral of this 
Story? .... 
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - 
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery 
Always overcome youth and arrogance! 
OLD  DUDES RULE


----------



## 211RadOp (28 Apr 2010)

Rifleman62 said:
			
		

> Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
> Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
> Always overcome youth and arrogance!
> OLD  DUDES RULE



I keep telling the young kids in my Troop that.


----------



## GAP (29 Apr 2010)

Two old guys talking.

One said to the other: "My 65th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".

Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"

First guy: "Yup -  Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"


----------



## Rifleman62 (29 Apr 2010)

What can you do with a single loony on a Sunday night? 

To really p.....s somebody off on a Monday?


----------



## PMedMoe (29 Apr 2010)

Did you hear about the guy who had a map of Canada tattooed on his ass?








Every time he sits down Quebec separates.......

 :rofl:

No offense intended to any Canadians.


----------



## PMedMoe (30 Apr 2010)

Since it's still April.....barely....a final April Fool's joke:

Defence Attorney: 
Will you please state your age? 

Little Old Lady: 
I am 94 years old. 

Defense Attorney: 
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? 

Little Old Lady: 
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, 
When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. 

Defense Attorney: 
Did you know him? 

Little Old Lady: 
No, but he sure was friendly. 

Defense Attorney: 
What happened after he sat down? 

Little Old Lady: 
He started to rub my thigh. 

Defense Attorney: 
Did you stop him? 

Little Old Lady: 
No, I didn't stop him. 

Defense Attorney: 
Why not? 

Little Old Lady: 
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. 

Defense Attorney: 
What happened next? 

Little Old Lady: 
He began to rub my breasts. 

Defense Attorney: 
Did you stop him then? 

Little Old Lady: 
No, I did not stop him. 

Defense Attorney: 
Why not? 

Little Old Lady: 
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! 

Defense Attorney: 
What happened next? 

Little Old Lady: 
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 
'Take me, young man. Take me now!' 

Defense Attorney: 
Did he take you? 

Little Old Lady: 
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!!!

 ;D


----------



## spear (1 May 2010)

www.afblues.com which makes a reference to the popular 1950s movie DR. STRANGELOVE.


----------



## PMedMoe (5 May 2010)

Not really funny, actually, pretty cool.

A couple of teenagers from London Ontario created this rap video:  Canadian, Please


----------



## Occam (5 May 2010)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> Not really funny, actually, pretty cool.
> 
> A couple of teenagers from London Ontario created this rap video:  Canadian, Please



They're young, but not teenagers.  They both completed BA degrees in 2008, and the video was recorded in mid-2009.  Pretty good for a low budget video, though!


----------



## PMedMoe (5 May 2010)

Occam said:
			
		

> They're young, but not teenagers.  They both completed BA degrees in 2008, and the video was recorded in mid-2009.  Pretty good for a low budget video, though!



Oh well, they look like teenagers!  I guess that's my age showing.....   :-[


----------



## Loachman (6 May 2010)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> actually, pretty cool.



Until they got to the mindless "Lose the gun" comment.


----------



## Thompson_JM (7 May 2010)

spear said:
			
		

> www.afblues.com which makes a reference to the popular 1950s movie DR. STRANGELOVE.



That is great!


----------



## gaspasser (7 May 2010)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> Not really funny, actually, pretty cool.
> 
> A couple of teenagers from London Ontario created this rap video:  Canadian, Please


What a cool CANADIAN content video...I loved the whole bit...catchy tune too!!!  
Proud to be   

iper:


----------



## observor 69 (8 May 2010)

Buy, Buy American Pie  ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vq8wbXAR4ZQ


----------



## PMedMoe (10 May 2010)

In honour of Mother's Day yesterday:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.' 

2. My mother taught me RELIGION:
'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC:
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC:
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.' 

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.' 

7. My mother taught me IRONY:
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.' 

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA:
'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER:
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: 
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE:
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.' 

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY:
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do..' 

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING:
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP:
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR:
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT:
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.' 

22. My mother taught me GENETICS:
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS:
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?' 

24. My mother taught me WISDOM:
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my very favorite: 
My mother taught me about JUSTICE:
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you '


----------



## PMedMoe (13 May 2010)

A comment from a gaming room I'm in:

"my niece has *pore* vision"

I'm like, "Wow, she can see through her skin?  Cool!"

 ;D


----------



## mariomike (13 May 2010)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> A comment from a gaming room I'm in:
> 
> "my niece has *pore* vision"
> 
> ...



Oh, the *pour* gurl!


----------



## VIChris (13 May 2010)

Three kids are having a discussion about who's dad is the fastest one day.

The first kid feels he has the fastest dad. "My dad's a sprinter, he can run the 100m in just over 10 seconds" he proclaims.

"That's nothing" says the second kid. "My dad's a drag racer, and in less than ten seconds, his car pass through the quarter mile."

The winning argument comes from the third kid: "My dad's a government worker, and he's so fast he can travel through time!"

"No way!" Cry the other two kids.

"Yeah he can. Every day he gets off work at 4:30, and he's home by 3!"


----------



## Retired AF Guy (22 May 2010)

A few motivational posters to help us through the long weekend:


----------



## PMedMoe (26 May 2010)

One hot summer day, a Newfie came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?" The Newfie said it was his.

"Your dog seems  to be in heat" the officer said.

The Newfie  replied, "No way. She's cool  'cause she's tied up under that  shade tree."

The policeman said, "No! You  don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."

"No way," said the Newfie. "That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry cause I fed her this mornin'."

The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!"

The Newfie looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."

 ;D


----------



## observor 69 (28 May 2010)

New Kia Soul ad brings back the hamsters, and the funk 

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/driveon/post/2010/05/kia-soul-commercial-brings-back-the-hamsters-and-the-funk/1


----------



## GAP (28 May 2010)

Southern Girl


Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive Blonde woman from Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play Topless." With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, Baby, Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down, and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers. Then she picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other ans wered, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."


Moral --- Not all Southerners are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb. But, all men..... are men.


----------



## GAP (28 May 2010)

GI Insurance


Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"


----------



## GAP (28 May 2010)

The Horse and Chicken


On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together. One day, the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.

Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no
avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the
chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the
chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his
friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best
Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life. The horse
thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking
underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he could
then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse
pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (Yes, there's a moral!)


"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"


----------



## GAP (31 May 2010)

An interesting take.....


----------



## Alea (31 May 2010)

GAP said:
			
		

> An interesting take.....



 :rofl:

... except that I would not want to see myself eaten by little "bibites" and get out of my grave (yark)... I like the sound of it all. It also reminds me of that "The curious case of Benjamin Botton" movie.


Edit: for spell check


----------



## PMedMoe (3 Jun 2010)

From personal experience the last couple of days:

Definition of irony:  Hospital security handing out fines* to people smoking in non-smoking areas on hospital property and then smoking in non-smoking areas themselves.

Definition of confusing:  A person in a left-hand turn lane with their right-hand turn signal blinking.

*Note:  Fines (as with parking fines here) are payable to the hospital and not the city.   :


----------



## Rifleman62 (3 Jun 2010)

Sunday Morning Sex 

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." 

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." 

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along..


----------



## PMedMoe (5 Jun 2010)

Now, _this_ is ironic......


----------



## mariomike (5 Jun 2010)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> Now, _this_ is ironic......



1) I am not an insurance expert. But, I wonder if a homeowner policy would be more likely to pay off for a fire, than a flood ( act of nature )?

2) Like the song says, is it possible to be _too_ sexy?:
( Viewer discretion is advised. Speakers only, perhaps. ):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q75gREOjyFI

"Sexy prison guard too gorgeous, fired":
http://glossynews.com/society/strange-people/200908270551/sexy-prison-guard-too-gorgeous-fired/


----------



## vonGarvin (5 Jun 2010)

Sign number 68 that God has answered your prayers for forgiveness with a resounding NO!  ;D


----------



## CougarKing (7 Jun 2010)

Over 900 students and faculty at the University of Victoria, in BC, staged their own version of the music video for the song "Hey Soul Sister".

Youtube link


----------



## observor 69 (7 Jun 2010)

Loved it! Joy, music, dancing, fun ........Great

Thanks for the link  CD. ;D


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tglSCIpaXPs&feature=fvsr


----------



## 57Chevy (7 Jun 2010)

CougarDaddy said:
			
		

> Over 900 students and faculty at the University of Victoria, in BC, staged their own version of the music video for the song "Hey Soul Sister".
> 
> Youtube link



Excellent.......a definite arts credit
 :cheers:


----------



## Dou You (8 Jun 2010)

CougarDaddy said:
			
		

> Over 900 students and faculty at the University of Victoria, in BC, staged their own version of the music video for the song "Hey Soul Sister".
> 
> Youtube link



Although it is an amazing video, I think that is actually a school in Spain not UVic in BC...
It's definitely a video that makes you happy for watching it though!  :nod:


----------



## GAP (14 Jun 2010)

SMART ASS:

Two young businessmen  in Florida  were sitting  down for a break in their soon-to-be new  store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only  a few shelves and display racks set up.   
One said to the other,  "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by,  put his face to the window, and ask what we're  selling."

Sure enough,  just a moment later,  a  curious senior gentleman walked up to the window,  looked around intensely and rapped  on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of  the men  replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes." Without skipping a  beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."


----------



## PMedMoe (14 Jun 2010)

A teenage boy asked his father for a car.  His father said, "If you bring your grades up, study your Bible more and get a hair cut, we'll talk about it."

The boy brought ups his grades and studied his Bible, but did not get a hair cut.

A few months later, the father said, "Well, you really improved your grades and I notice you reading the Bible all the time, but why haven't you got a hair cut?"

The boy replied, "Well, while studying the Bible, I noted that Jesus and all his Apostles and everyone else had long hair, so I figured, why should I cut mine?"

The father said, "Did you also notice that they walked everywhere?"

 ;D

As a parent, it's always great to get the last word.


----------



## PMedMoe (14 Jun 2010)

Dou You said:
			
		

> Although it is an amazing video, I think that is actually a school in Spain not UVic in BC...
> It's definitely a video that makes you happy for watching it though!  :nod:



Finally got around to watching this.  Excellent video, looks like they had loads of fun!

And yes, UVIC is in Spain:  http://www.uvic.cat/en

In Vic, Spain, to be exact.


----------



## McD (14 Jun 2010)

Dou You said:
			
		

> Although it is an amazing video, I think that is actually a school in Spain not UVic in BC...
> It's definitely a video that makes you happy for watching it though!  :nod:



This really was well done! I picked the wrong school to go to.


----------



## GAP (14 Jun 2010)

BP Oil Spill Response Parodies Flood YouTube

http://www.wikio.com/video/bp-spills-coffee-3436161


----------



## PMedMoe (15 Jun 2010)

*Raging bull, running matador*

The bull charged and matador Christian Hernandez took off — across the ring, over the wall and into controversy.

The admittedly terrified torero was arrested after Sunday's botched bullfight at the Plaza Mexico, apparently for breach of contract, local media reported Monday. He was released after paying a fine. 

"There are some things you must be aware of about yourself," the 22-year-old Mexican matador said in a television interview. "I didn't have the ability, I didn't have the balls, this is not my thing." 

In a sight rarely seen in the bravado world of bullfighting, Hernandez made a spin with his red cape at the charging bull, then ran across the ring and leapt headlong over the wall to safety, dropping his cape in the process. The crowd hooted in derision. 

......

He later said he would retire from bullfighting.

A bit more at link

Must have been one heck of a bullfight.   :


----------



## 2010newbie (15 Jun 2010)

The Pilot from Tac.tv (3 parts)

Claymation video of airline pilots calling in a mayday and air traffic control scrambling two CF-18's to intercept.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XttWE_2ahjg&feature=PlayList&p=3B7F3862350404CB&playnext_from=PL&playnext=2


----------



## Rifleman62 (19 Jun 2010)

Old Guys should be careful!

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc.  This is the first warning I have seen for men.  I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Rona, Home Depot, Costco, or Wal-Mart customers.  This one caught me totally by surprise.

Over the last month, I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.  Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.  Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your shopping into your vehicle.  They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's almost impossible not to look.)  When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No', but instead ask for a ride to McDonalds.

You agree, and they climb into the vehicle.  On the way, they start undressing.  Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 24th.  Also June 1st, 4th,9th, 12th twice on the 15th, three times last Friday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.  What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men.  Warn your friends to be vigilant.

By the way, Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each.  I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds.  I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, etc..

So, please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the look out for this scam.  (Incidentally, the best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)


----------



## Teeps74 (19 Jun 2010)

Ok, thank god I am aware enough to only drink water while reading these forums... Water out the nose still sucks though.  Thanks!


----------



## Luke O (21 Jun 2010)

Haha Rifleman, that was a good one.


----------



## PMedMoe (21 Jun 2010)

There's a commercial I've been hearing on the radio lately that goes something like this:

"Ottawa is about to see a shortage of workers never seen before."

So, if we've never seen these workers, how can there be a shortage?   ???

 ;D

Edit to add:  It's a commercial to register for a seminar/work group to be a "Gen Y employer".   :


----------



## PMedMoe (21 Jun 2010)

THE  OLD RANCHER

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride..

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
  
Tom proudly said,  'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'

Don't ever underestimate old guys!!!    ;D


----------



## SARgirl (21 Jun 2010)

The other day, heading down a freeway, I saw a vehicle done up with big letters across the back of his vehicle which said, "Traffic Ticket Defense" and then some sort of logo about getting out of tickets.  Behind this vehicle, was a cop car... the cop car followed the "Traffic Ticket Defense" vehicle's every move for blocks and blocks until I lost sight of them.  I can't help but, to think, the cop may have been messing with him a bit... following the "Traffic Ticket Defense" vehicle, just to un-nerve him a bit.  At first, I didn't think much about the Traffic Ticket Defense vehicle... until I saw the cop car pull up behind him; I couldn't help but, to get a chuckle out of a moment like that.  It would have made for a great photo, if I had my camera with me.


----------



## vonGarvin (21 Jun 2010)

Love the world cup?  Love the vuvuzela?  Then why wait?  Surf the net the same way you'd watch a game in South Africa!

Go here, now!  And thank me later!


----------



## Luke O (22 Jun 2010)

2010newbie said:
			
		

> The Pilot from Tac.tv (3 parts)
> 
> Claymation video of airline pilots calling in a mayday and air traffic control scrambling two CF-18's to intercept.
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XttWE_2ahjg&feature=PlayList&p=3B7F3862350404CB&playnext_from=PL&playnext=2



I laughed.  hard.


----------



## Hammer Sandwich (23 Jun 2010)

Go here, now!  And thank me later!
[/quote]

I actually clicked on it.

I am as dumb as I look.

Thanks a heap!


----------



## Hammer Sandwich (23 Jun 2010)

-Skeletor- said:
			
		

> would have been better if you just changed a few words from the original
> 
> http://arkjournal.com/uploaded_images/America-is-at-the-Mall-730517.jpg
> 
> ...



Ridiculous NECRO, I know, just noticed.

But the picture is supposed to be a play on the old "America is at war" poster, except with Canadian troops.

That's the whole Goddamn point.

If clarification is required, send me your address, and I will bring the spoon, and a napkin to wipe your bubblin' lips.

editforgot the word "the")


----------



## Retired AF Guy (4 Jul 2010)

Got to love the Brits and there sense of humour!  

 Article Link


----------



## Delta26 (5 Jul 2010)




----------



## Sapplicant (5 Jul 2010)

http://myspace.roflposters.com/images/rofl/myspace/1233322296325.jpg.%5Broflposters.com%5D.myspace.jpg

I do not own this, nor did I create it. All credit to someone who has photoshop, free time, and a sense of humor that compares to that of many, many people here.


----------



## Rheostatic (6 Jul 2010)

Delta26 said:
			
		

>


Easier to fix than a Drash.


----------



## Rifleman62 (10 Jul 2010)

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. 

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.    As soon as he could manage,  he took himself to the doctor. 

He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon  next week and my fiancée is still a virgin - in every way' 

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight...  It should be okay next week.' 

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together;  an impressive work of art. 

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. 

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.  She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.' 

He immediately drops his pants and replies, .....'Look at this, ....still in the CRATE!'


----------



## PMedMoe (11 Jul 2010)

I think I'd be scared to bungee jump here:


----------



## GAP (15 Jul 2010)

Official  Announcement:

The government today announced that it is changing its  emblem from a Maple Leaf to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the  government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts  production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and  gives you a sense of security while you're actually being  screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more  accurate than that!


----------



## HavokFour (15 Jul 2010)

When you see it...






Text: "An elderly Iraqi woman shows two bullets which she says hit her house following an early coalition forces raid in the predominately Shiite Baghdad suburb of Sadr City..."

Also...


----------



## ironduke57 (16 Jul 2010)

PUMA was ditched by our goverment as to expensive. Here is our new IFV:






 ;D


----------



## George Wallace (16 Jul 2010)

Now that is what I'd like to have to navigate through rush hour traffic.


----------



## DexOlesa (16 Jul 2010)

The only smart car I'd ever consider buying


----------



## Delta26 (16 Jul 2010)

ok.. Either Ironduke57, or Havokfour..


 One of you jokers owes me a new keyboard...



Thanks for the lift.


----------



## ironduke57 (16 Jul 2010)

No problem. You only have to pick it up here.  :nana:


----------



## vonGarvin (16 Jul 2010)

ironduke57 said:
			
		

> PUMA was ditched by our goverment as to expensive. Here is our new IFV:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I know it's not the AFV recognition thread, but....
Is that a Smart Car on a Wiesel chassis?  ;D


----------



## Michael OLeary (16 Jul 2010)

A cow picture for all the PETA fans:


----------



## ironduke57 (16 Jul 2010)

Technoviking said:
			
		

> I know it's not the AFV recognition thread, but....
> Is that a Smart Car on a Wiesel chassis?  ;D


Yes. (But the Wiesel part is backwards and it is only shopped.)

Regards,
ironduke57


----------



## ironduke57 (16 Jul 2010)

http://img571.imageshack.us/my.php?image=planes168.jpg


----------



## HavokFour (16 Jul 2010)

How about a little dark humor.










And some friendly to keep the universe in balance.













			
				Delta26 said:
			
		

> ok.. Either Ironduke57, or Havokfour..
> 
> 
> One of you jokers owes me a new keyboard...
> ...



No refunds.  ;D


----------



## ironduke57 (17 Jul 2010)

You want dark humour? You will get it! ;D >





Translation:
Merkel: "There President, there Military Leaders - all dead!"
Putin: "You the west, we the east - as always?"

Lower line: "Poland without Leadership - what now?"

---------------------------------------------





Translation:
"Sadly 65 years to late:"
"Germany´s air space stay´s free!"

---------------------------------------------
And an older one:





Translation:
"Bonjour, frog devourer!"
"We are back!"


All from the german Satirical Magazine "Titanic".

Regards,
ironduke57


----------



## ironduke57 (19 Jul 2010)

> Courtesy of squid314 (http://squid314.livejournal.com/275614.html) via Volokh Conspiracy on pitfalls of unrealistic SciFi
> 
> Stuff
> As I mentioned in my last entry, I've been watching Babylon 5 lately. It's not a perfect show, but it has one big advantage: it's consistent and believable.
> ...


 ;D


----------



## GAP (19 Jul 2010)

airline advertisement at Manchester airport- and they are not gonna tell us how it was done!

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=6NPF0A_vGC4


 WHERE ELSE WOULD THEY PAY YOU TO SIT ON YOUR ASRE


----------



## ironduke57 (19 Jul 2010)

;D


----------



## HavokFour (19 Jul 2010)




----------



## ironduke57 (21 Jul 2010)

If she goes on like that it will be a L55 in no time.  ;D


----------



## HavokFour (22 Jul 2010)

Another one for the funnies.


----------



## Retired AF Guy (24 Jul 2010)

From Aislin at the Montreal Gazettte:


----------



## PMedMoe (27 Jul 2010)

Maybe the fast food places in KAF should have stayed closed to this guy:


----------



## GAP (28 Jul 2010)

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan   desert when he saw some tents far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the camp, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.. 
  
  
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" 
  
  
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water, but would you like to buy a tie?  They are only $5." 
  
  
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first! 
  
  
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.  If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom." 
  
  
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. 
  
  
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said "Your f****ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"


----------



## FDO (30 Jul 2010)

/Users/gcarroll613/Pictures/iPhoto Library/Originals/2010/2010-07-29/34638_10150231420095156_526610155_13599216_5494704_n.jpg
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?op=1&view=global&subj=807715496&pid=31395661&id=1374986539&oid=108135725889298


----------



## ironduke57 (6 Aug 2010)




----------



## HavokFour (13 Aug 2010)

For those that watch _Whale Wars_, this will knock your socks off!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwQadE_bexM

Narrator: 'The Steve Irwin has not been able to find the Japanese fleet, despite 'Captain' Watson's belief that the whalers are still in the area...'


----------



## Oh No a Canadian (13 Aug 2010)

Read the caption to the picture.  ;D


----------



## Dou You (13 Aug 2010)

Hahaha I can't stop staring at his "handsome" and "more mature" duster on his upper lip.  ;D

It's just.....so....."graceful" haha


----------



## PMedMoe (16 Aug 2010)

A little long, but worth the read:

*DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING* 

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. 

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. 

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course 
of you date with my daughter, I will take my pneumatic stapler and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. 

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate; when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. 

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject 
is “early." 

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. 

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup and choosing an appropriate outfit, a process than can take longer than renovating the Parliament buildings. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like cut my grass? 

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Nursing homes are better. 

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, all-seeing merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you 
have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. 

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in low over my defensive position in East Timor. When my Dengue Fever starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean my guns and hone my machete as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, and then return to your car --there is no need for you to come inside. Oh, and the camouflaged face at the window is mine.


----------



## GAP (17 Aug 2010)

I just ran across this

Borat In Amsterdam

http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=5437&id=1


----------



## GAP (17 Aug 2010)

an oldie, but a goodie....


----------



## GAP (23 Aug 2010)

The new obstacle course.......................

http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=5446&id=1


----------



## GAP (24 Aug 2010)

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.


Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.

"Hi there little girl, I'm President Obama. What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Obama.

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Democrats," answered Suzy with a smile.

Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Republicans."

Taken by surprise, the president stammered, "But... But... Yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open"


----------



## TN2IC (27 Aug 2010)

If you got some time to kill.. try this. 

Tell me what you think after. I got my little guy hook on him.


----------



## fischer10 (27 Aug 2010)

TN2IC said:
			
		

> If you got some time to kill.. try this.
> 
> Tell me what you think after. I got my little guy hook on him.



Ugh, so annoying.... I watched a couple videos a while back. I much prefer raywilliamjohnson (search on YouTube). He has some funny stuff!


----------



## Hammer Sandwich (27 Aug 2010)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> Maybe the fast food places in KAF should have stayed closed to this guy:



When I saw that post, I laughed..

But then, I looked at the last “Hammer Sandwich” family portrait.

Shoot, I’ve been 4 shades under, and 4 shades over the overweight of that dude.

He deployed, and I didn’t.
At least he’s contributing.

(Not that this is a shout out for ‘da fatties”, but (I hope) that’s a penis shrinker for nobodys like me.


----------



## GAP (31 Aug 2010)

Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously. 
Check out their new livery!   

WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN.


Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg .  Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"


                 ---o0o---

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

                 ----o0o---

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

                 ----o0o---

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

                 ---o0o---

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

                 ---o0o---

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone  voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" 
                 ---o0o---

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

                 ---o0o---

From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

                 ---o0o---

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

                 ---o0o---

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

                 ----o0o---

"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an  emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

                 ---o0o---

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.    Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."

                 ---o0o---

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

                 ---o0o---

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The  flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

                 ---o0o---

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

                 ---o0o---

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:

"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

                 ---o0o---

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said,

"Did we land, or were we shot down?"

                 ---o0o---

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."

                 ---o0o---

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

                 ---o0o---

Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

                 ---o0o---

A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.  Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.  While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A   passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"


----------



## Fishbone Jones (31 Aug 2010)

Why can't the rest of this idoitic world take a page from Kulula airline's play book?

Makes me want to move there and work for them.


----------



## ironduke57 (31 Aug 2010)

I already heared them years ago with differing Airlines as source. But they always get a smile on my face.  
-------------------------------------------------------

This happens if you forget to close the drivers hatch:  >









 ;D

Regards,
ironduke57


----------



## vonGarvin (31 Aug 2010)

ironduke57 said:
			
		

> This happens if you forget to close the drivers hatch:  >
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Oh, you silly Germans and your Flakpanzers!  ;D


----------



## Franko (1 Sep 2010)

Notice how his goggle actually came off the mount. That takes me back to a certain, now medic, doing the same thing.

Regards


----------



## MJP (1 Sep 2010)

Der Panzerkommandant.... said:
			
		

> Notice how his goggle actually came off the mount. That takes me back to a certain, now medic, doing the same thing.
> 
> Regards



Murph?


----------



## GAP (8 Sep 2010)

Asking Mommy


Little Johnny and her mother were out and about. Little Johnny, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older.

Little Johnny then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weight?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this too, as you grow up."

Little Johnny still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The Little Johnny , frustrated, sulks until he is dropped off at a friend's house to play. He consults with his friend about him and her mother's conversation. His friend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the Little Johnny and her mother are out and about again. The Little Johnny starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are, You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The Little Johnny shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weight. You weight 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?", said the mother again.

The Little Johnny says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex."


----------



## GAP (9 Sep 2010)

OOPS !
This brand spanking new Airbus 340-600, the largest passenger airplane ever built, sits just outside its hangar in Toulouse, France without a single hour of airtime.
  Enter the Arab flight crew of Abu Dhabi Aircraft Technologies (ADAT) to conduct pre-delivery tests on the ground, such as engine run-ups, prior to delivery to Etihad Airways in Abu Dhabi .
  The ADAT crew taxied the A340-600 to the run-up area.
  Then they took all four engines to takeoff power with a virtually empty aircraft. Not having read the run-up manuals, they had no clue just how light an empty A340-600 really  is. 

          
 The takeoff warning horn was blaring away in the  cockpit because they had All 4 engines at full power. The aircraft computers  thought they were trying to take off, but it had not been configured properly (flaps/slats, etc.)
  Then one of the ADAT crew decided to pull the circuit breaker on the Ground Proximity Sensor to silence the alarm. This fools the aircraft into thinking it is in the air. The computers automatically released all the  brakes and set the aircraft rocketing  forward.
  The ADAT crew had no idea that this is a  safety feature so that pilots can't land with the brakes on.
  Not one member of the seven-man Arab crew was smart enough to throttle back the engines from their max power setting, so the $200 million brand-new aircraft crashed into a blast barrier, totaling it. 

  The extent of injuries to the crew is unknown due to the news blackout in the major media in France and elsewhere.  Because........

 Coverage of the story was deemed insulting to Muslim Arabs.      
Finally, the photos are starting to leak out.  . 


One French Airbus:   $200 million dollars
 Untrained Arab Flight Crew:  $300,000 Yearly Salary
 Unread Operating Manual:  $300 
Aircraft meets retaining wall and the wall wins. 
PRICELESS!!!


----------



## Sapplicant (10 Sep 2010)

GAP said:
			
		

> The extent of injuries to the crew is unknown due to the news blackout in the major media in France and elsewhere.  Because........
> 
> 
> Coverage of the story was deemed insulting to Muslim Arabs.
> ...



Sorry, gotta call partial bullsh!t this one... I got it in an e-mail about 2 years ago. Looked into it, turns out it's somewhat truth, somewhat fabrication (fabrications done by someone with a bit of a racist agenda to get more people on the muslim/arab hate-train)

Snopes did a decent job of explaining the real story.

The media blackout is an outright lie.

If it had been an operational plane with passengers on board, or if some people were killed, guaranteed it would've recieved a lot more coverage than it did. We all know how bloodthirsty the media is....


----------



## Rifleman62 (10 Sep 2010)

CANADIANS IN HELL

Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell.

The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed
in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The
devil asks them, “What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?”
The two guys reply, “Well, you know, we’re from Canada, the land of
snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a
little bit, eh.”

The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up
the heat.

The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in
parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, “It’s awfully
hot down here, can’t you guys feel it?”

Again the two guys reply, “Well, like we told ya yesterday, we’re
from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a
chance to warm up a little bit, eh.”

This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two
guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are
wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys
from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling
sausage and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished, “Everyone down here is in abject misery, and
you two seem to be enjoying yourselves.”

The two Canadians reply, “Well, ya know, we don’t get too much warm
weather up there in Toronto so we’ve just got to have a cook-out when
the weather’s THIS nice.”

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he
comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have
been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging
everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do
anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth.

The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians.
He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens.
NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like
mad men!!!

The devil is dumbfounded, “I don’t understand, when I turn up the
heat you’re happy. Now it’s freezing cold and you’re still happy.
What is wrong with you two???”

The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, “Well, don’t you
know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup.”


----------



## observor 69 (12 Sep 2010)

The Germans are certainly well known for their cutting edge engineering....  click on the link... 



                                http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=21816


----------



## 57Chevy (12 Sep 2010)

During training exercises, the Lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. 

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside. 

"Nope," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."


----------



## PMedMoe (13 Sep 2010)

9 Things I Hate About Everyone 


1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually. 

3. When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? 

4. When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses! 

5. When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor. 

6. People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn't be new. 

8. When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? 

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here?


----------



## PMedMoe (17 Sep 2010)

*Interviewees Say The Darndest Things* <-----Link   :nod:

One example (my favorite so far):

"The most bizarre experience I ever had was regarding a candidate who was offered a position with my client. Because she had disclosed that she had a college degree, she was required to produce proof in the form of transcripts, diploma, etc. She told us that she was unable to produce the required documentation because her identity had been changed and that the information the firm was seeking was in her previous name. Due to safety reasons, she was unable to produce proof (in any name she had or was using)." 

 :rofl:


----------



## vorden (17 Sep 2010)

west jet safety brief last flight 
    "You've already done up your seat belt so we're gonna tell ya how you did it."


----------



## 57Chevy (18 Sep 2010)

FUNNIEST PICS EVER SHOWN ANYWHERE youtube 
enjoy  ;D


----------



## PMedMoe (21 Sep 2010)

Too funny not to share.  A friend's status on Facebook:



> My young grandson called to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 49.
> My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"



Out of the mouth of babes........    :rofl:


----------



## observor 69 (26 Sep 2010)

Any cop will love this.  These videos were taken during the arrest of the suspects without their knowledge.  They are not the usual ones you see of a guy getting Tasered.  The video is part of the Taser itself and it records what happens leading up 
to zapping the suspect.    

Hard to dispute video evidence.      
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=eaf_1258270221


----------



## observor 69 (28 Sep 2010)

FINALLY — A great alternative to body scanners at airports . . . The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports. It’s a booth you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you. They see this as a win-win for everyone, with no racial profiling. It also would eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial. Justice would be swift. Case closed! You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement comes over the PA system . . . "Attention standby passengers — we now have a seat available on flight number XXXX. Shalom!"


----------



## Cdnleaf (1 Oct 2010)

*Be The Difference:*


----------



## gaspasser (1 Oct 2010)

Baden  Guy said:
			
		

> FINALLY — A great alternative to body scanners at airports . . . The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports. It’s a booth you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you. They see this as a win-win for everyone, with no racial profiling. It also would eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial. Justice would be swift. Case closed! You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement comes over the PA system . . . "Attention standby passengers — we now have a seat available on flight number XXXX. Shalom!"


I've been to Ben Guirion AP, if you can get to the check in counters with a ka-boom thing on you...you're doing pretty good!!!  I won't say how many levels of security there is...but these guys are very thorough and highly professional.
I do, however, like the political correctness of this devise....there would be no defending yourself using Johnnie Cochrane and getting off on some silly technicaltiy~~~??

 ;D


----------



## TN2IC (1 Oct 2010)

Feeling Down?


----------



## SevenSixTwo (4 Oct 2010)

TN2IC said:
			
		

> Feeling Down?



I thought it was going to be stupid but I just started powerlaughing when the song came on.


----------



## Retired AF Guy (4 Oct 2010)

Baden  Guy said:
			
		

> FINALLY — A great alternative to body scanners at airports . . . The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports. It’s a booth you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you. They see this as a win-win for everyone, with no racial profiling. It also would eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial. Justice would be swift. Case closed! You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement comes over the PA system . . . "Attention standby passengers — we now have a seat available on flight number XXXX. Shalom!"



In a related video -  Achmed the Dead Terrorist


----------



## bdave (5 Oct 2010)

TN2IC said:
			
		

> Feeling Down?


 ;D


----------



## bdave (5 Oct 2010)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mi5zd60ites&feature=player_embedded#!


----------



## SARgirl (5 Oct 2010)

This gave me a laugh.  They are entertaining.  Enjoy!  



> Bunch of grown men singing Lady Gaga live and acapella!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7E_0oOc6Lf8


----------



## Rifleman62 (5 Oct 2010)

Winnipeggers should have no problems with these………….


Q. - What's the difference between the Winnipeg Blue Bombers and the Taliban?
A. - The Taliban have a running game.

Q. - What do the Winnipeg Blue Bombers and Billy Graham have in common?
A. - They both can make 25,000 people stand up and yell Jesus Christ!

Q. - What's the difference between the Winnipeg Blue Bombers and a dollar bill?
A. - You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. - What do the Winnipeg Blue Bombers and possums have in common?
A. - Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q. - Where do you go in Winnipeg in case of a tornado?
A. - Canad Inns Stadium - they never get a touchdown there.

Q. - Why was Paul LaPolice upset when the Winnipeg Blue Bombers playbook was stolen?
A. - Because he hadn't finished coloring it yet.

Q. - What do you call 40 people sitting around a TV watching the Grey Cup?
A. - The Winnipeg Blue Bombers football team.

Q. - How can you tell when the Winnipeg Blue Bombers are going to run the football?
A. - Fred Reid leaves the huddle with tears in his eyes .


----------



## SARgirl (8 Oct 2010)

> Introducing Snazzy Napper!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MthSUD8cMqk

When I first saw this, I thought this was one of those joke skits from a comedy skit program, but... ... ... 

http://www.snazzynapper.com/

So... just like the commercial asks:



> Where do you snazzy nap?


----------



## Rifleman62 (9 Oct 2010)

Good old Saskatchewan, eh.

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Toronto scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. 

Not to be outdone by the Ontarian's, in the weeks that followed, a Vancouver archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the Vancouver Province: "BC archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 30 years earlier than Ontario". 

One week later, the Saskatoon Star Phoenix in Saskatoon, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, James Krawchuk, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f--k all. James has therefore concluded that 150 years ago, Saskatchewan had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be from Saskatchewan!


----------



## bdave (11 Oct 2010)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2RrreVthWRY&feature=player_embedded


----------



## Loachman (15 Oct 2010)

Liberal GPS: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDWMgi7tzns&NR=1


----------



## OldSolduer (15 Oct 2010)

New Unit!

Ist Toilet Paper Assault Troop

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/101015/world/us_odd_toilet_paper_assault


----------



## CEEBEE501 (19 Oct 2010)




----------



## Cdnleaf (20 Oct 2010)

KFC DOUBLE DOWN VIDEO/PARODY

]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QpnMIRzvDzI]


----------



## PMedMoe (23 Oct 2010)

Gordon Pinsent reads Bieber

Hilarious!   :nod:


----------



## bdave (27 Oct 2010)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> Gordon Pinsent reads Bieber
> 
> Hilarious!   :nod:


Haha.


----------



## JB 11 11 (29 Oct 2010)

A shot from my front terrace in Rome:


----------



## Loachman (29 Oct 2010)

How to carve a pumpkin: http://video.ca.msn.com/watch/video/unique-pumpkin-carving-technique/1glrw0s8r


----------



## PMedMoe (29 Oct 2010)

Sick Call Excuse Generator

My favorite:  The voices told me to clean all the guns today.   :threat:

 ;D


----------



## SARgirl (29 Oct 2010)

Meatloaf:
http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/2010/10/well-thats-horrifying.html


----------



## 57Chevy (31 Oct 2010)

One for Haloween:   ;D


----------



## Hammer Sandwich (31 Oct 2010)

SARgirl said:
			
		

> Meatloaf:
> http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/2010/10/well-thats-horrifying.html



THAT.
WAS.
HORRIFYING.

I've skipped the "heebies", and gone straight to the "jeebies".

BTW, thanks for grossing me out enough, I'm having second thoughts about the pulled pork I've been lovingly crafting and cooking for the past 24 hours.


----------



## SARgirl (31 Oct 2010)

57Chevy said:
			
		

> One for Haloween:   ;D


 This picture reminds me of the Raggedy Ann cartoon with the sad little pumpkin that no one wanted and so he kept crying pumpkin seed tears until Raggedy Ann and Andy come along to give him a loving home and with the grateful pumpkin on the back of a skate board, they headed out on an adventurous journey home.  

I almost forgot about this program- thank you for the reminder.  I remember my daughter watching this program when she was a tot. 

The Pumpkin Who Couldn't Smile
Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbWiLkKwIFo
Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkdEGzLnb38&feature=mfu_in_order&playnext=1&videos=4kK5M2VjHso
Part 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9T1TcPwqnHU&feature=mfu_in_order&playnext=1&videos=mFqwMwVyROc

Pumpkin seed spillage always makes me think of the above program and the above program always makes me think of the below program.

There was another sweet animated program about a blind girl and Raggedy Ann which followed the above:

The Enchanted Square (1947)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09FncdVlk9o&feature=fvw



			
				Hammer Sandwich said:
			
		

> THAT.
> WAS.
> HORRIFYING.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the laugh- such a funny reply.  

Pulled pork sounds tasty- enjoy.


----------



## SARgirl (31 Oct 2010)




----------



## CEEBEE501 (31 Oct 2010)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPvOrylnDxU&feature=player_embedded#!


----------



## Retired AF Guy (1 Nov 2010)

The wrong thing to say:


----------



## CEEBEE501 (4 Nov 2010)

If you have around 11min to kill or dont care about losing, this is a somewhat errr....lets say entertaining video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7M5Bf6TtW8w&feature=player_embedded#!


----------



## Journeyman (5 Nov 2010)

Office renovation note to self:









.......but that's only if the boss doesn't approve _this_ mod:


----------



## JB 11 11 (5 Nov 2010)

^^ THAT is the stealthiest beer fridge I have ever seen.... Wikkid!


----------



## PMedMoe (5 Nov 2010)

*Truths for Mature Humans*

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.   

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.  

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any  changes to.  

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.  

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.  That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.     (Ladies.....quit laughing.) 

 ;D


----------



## SARgirl (7 Nov 2010)

> Funny Military Dances


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUwBYEcZASQ


----------



## PMedMoe (15 Nov 2010)

40 years of marriage

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. 

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.  The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. 

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.  I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. 

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old. 

The moral of this story: 
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.   >

;D


----------



## GAP (18 Nov 2010)

Wisdom From Avaition/Military Manuals

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ... The pilot dies."

"Never trade luck for skill."

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...! "

"Friendly fire - isn't"

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)


----------



## PMedMoe (26 Nov 2010)

Response to all those stupid "please forward this for whatever" emails:

To all my friends and relatives who have sent me "best wishes", chain letters, "angel" letters or other promises of good luck,

NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKED!!

Could you please just send cash, vodka, chocolate, Italian food, wine or plane tickets instead?

 ;D


----------



## GAP (26 Nov 2010)

Why Teachers drink.....


----------



## Cdnleaf (27 Nov 2010)

Snapped this photo with my IPhone of a rather unique bottle opener  :nod: 
 (edited with photoscape, linked from my blog.)  Enjoy...


----------



## SARgirl (27 Nov 2010)

> Good Statoil commercial


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBfHofVAy0c&playnext=1&list=PLBB48AB659AA63D6C&index=51


----------



## George Wallace (28 Nov 2010)

Worse drivers caught on tape


----------



## PMedMoe (28 Nov 2010)

George Wallace said:
			
		

> Worse drivers caught on tape





> A hilarious compilation of some terrible drivers. *They all just happen to be females!*



Really?  Interesting since almost half of them weren't visible.   :

Funny, though.   :nod:


----------



## Loachman (29 Nov 2010)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mNjTO0agJ0&feature=BF&list=PLBB48AB659AA63D6C&index=56


----------



## NSDreamer (29 Nov 2010)

SARgirl said:
			
		

> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUwBYEcZASQ



 Made my stressful day, reminded me of my not so long ago introduction to army life where upon my section actually performing proper drill the Sgt proceeded to do the robot broken down into squads...ON the parade square.


----------



## GAP (29 Nov 2010)

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk?   Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman.  "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said.  "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first.  A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps..  Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know s#*t?" 
And then she went back to reading her book.


----------



## Danny_C (29 Nov 2010)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> Maybe the fast food places in KAF should have stayed closed to this guy:


----------



## GAP (29 Nov 2010)

This is an "actual letter" from an Austin, Texas woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding one of their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. This was PC Magazine's 2009 Editors' Choice award-winner for the best letter sent via e-mail. 


Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now.  As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'

Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.? Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.' 


Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?  FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'.

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always. . ...

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX


----------



## FlyingDutchman (29 Nov 2010)

I find this very amusing.  Does anyone know where I can get one?  Although I would prefer CADPAT.

EDIT: Bad grammar.


----------



## PMedMoe (29 Nov 2010)

GAP said:
			
		

> This is an "actual letter" from an Austin, Texas woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding one of their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. This was PC Magazine's 2009 Editors' Choice award-winner for the best letter sent via e-mail.



A mixture of true and false info:  http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/always.asp

But funny anyway.   :nod:


----------



## GAP (29 Nov 2010)

Most of them don't pass the snopes test, but they're funny anyway.... :nod:


----------



## GAP (29 Nov 2010)

Banned Commercials - Beer Makes Women Beautiful 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JtS2PGXPUTs&list=PLBB48AB659AA63D6C&index=6&playnext=4


----------



## Loachman (30 Nov 2010)

FlyingDutchman said:
			
		

> I find this very amusing.  Does anyone know where I can get one?  Although I would prefer CADPAT.



CP Gear used to make them, and may still. I have a CADPAT AR one.


----------



## FlyingDutchman (30 Nov 2010)

Loachman said:
			
		

> CP Gear used to make them, and may still. I have a CADPAT AR one.


Ah, they do.  Thank you for steering me in that direction.


----------



## Loachman (1 Dec 2010)

It was a good reminder to find mine.


----------



## SARgirl (2 Dec 2010)

All the talk of a blonde on, The Manly Thread, reminded me of this video:

Blowing a Paint Job:
http://www.youtube.com/user/atomicwedgietv#p/search/3/7JhaDMQH2mQ


----------



## SARgirl (2 Dec 2010)

NSDreamer said:
			
		

> Made my stressful day, reminded me of my not so long ago introduction to army life where upon my section actually performing proper drill the Sgt proceeded to do the robot broken down into squads...ON the parade square.


You're welcome, glad the video brightened your day. : )  ... I'm picturing a the robot moves on the parade square... that could be entertaining.


----------



## OldSolduer (2 Dec 2010)

SARgirl said:
			
		

> All the talk of a blonde on, The Manly Thread, reminded me of this video:
> 
> Blowing a Paint Job:
> http://www.youtube.com/user/atomicwedgietv#p/search/3/7JhaDMQH2mQ



That's a good one! It's a Ferrari!!


----------



## PMedMoe (3 Dec 2010)

It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

 ;D


----------



## 2010newbie (7 Dec 2010)

from:http://wins.failblog.org/2010/12/07/epic-win-photos-messing-with-cash4gold-win/



> Dear Mr. Haberny,
> 
> After sending back your zip lock bag of bag of gold painted rocks that you considered “14 karat gold nuggets found on a soul searching pilgrimage in Tibet with a quadriplegic hooker you picked up in Singapore,” we find it truly unfortunate that you can not understand the concept of “Do Not Contact Us Again.”
> 
> ...


----------



## Loachman (8 Dec 2010)

http://bonehead.lerman.biz/php/NeedsStupidityProtection.php


----------



## Journeyman (8 Dec 2010)

Loachman said:
			
		

> http://bonehead.lerman.biz/php/NeedsStupidityProtection.php


If only because it's a blue and white Atco-type building behind Hesco bastions......it brings me joy to think that the UN is somehow invovled in this.   ;D


----------



## GAP (8 Dec 2010)

An interesting label....


----------



## SARgirl (8 Dec 2010)

GAP said:
			
		

> An interesting label....



Great label.  I like it.   :nod:

-----

Here are a couple of others:
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_WGczmWu7Wwc/RYmtqRejOFI/AAAAAAAAABo/YpTSXjRvB1E/s1600-h/Picture+1.png

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_XdP6Lp2ceqY/TG_Uaa-88qI/AAAAAAAAZoU/0G3O9HaEb6c/s1600/tv%C3%A4tt+r%C3%A5d.jpg

And though not a label, interesting:
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_e_nEuFs74tI/SeAeaFG7UpI/AAAAAAAADlg/C30wa8gvmkg/s800/emergency+tee+shirt+apparel+clothing+funny+green+joke+accident.jpg

One more label:
http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/epic-fail-clothing-care-fail.jpg
I think the last four lines say:

"For not such good results - 
Drag behind car
through puddles and
blow dry on roof rack"


----------



## SARgirl (8 Dec 2010)

Jim Seggie said:
			
		

> That's a good one! It's a Ferrari!!


 So glad you enjoyed the video.  I thought it was quite funny. : )


----------



## Nfld Sapper (8 Dec 2010)

Peter MacKay watching you drink your Timmies?

 ;D


----------



## TN2IC (9 Dec 2010)

Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?


So they can watch the battle too.



 :rofl:


----------



## TN2IC (9 Dec 2010)

FOR SALE: FRENCH MAS 36 RIFLE
NEVER FIRE, DROP ONCE. $20 OBO







 :rofl:


----------



## ironduke57 (10 Dec 2010)

NKs newest Secretweapon!
 ;D


----------



## Thompson_JM (11 Dec 2010)

NFLD Sapper said:
			
		

> Peter MacKay watching you drink your Timmies?
> 
> ;D




Better then the Christmas Card he sent out last year with the troop from Yellowknife pounding back a bottle of Alexander Keith's in the background!


Now THAT was funny! ;D


----------



## ironduke57 (13 Dec 2010)

;D


----------



## Retired AF Guy (19 Dec 2010)

The Assassination of Yogi Bear by that Coward BooBoo.


----------



## OldSolduer (20 Dec 2010)

Retired AF Guy said:
			
		

> The Assassination of Yogi Bear by that Coward BooBoo.


I always thought BooBoo was a little off.


----------



## Nfld Sapper (20 Dec 2010)

Got this on a christmas card from my neighbour...........

Proof that even Santa gets "blocked in" from those pesky plows......

 ;D


----------



## Hammer Sandwich (20 Dec 2010)

Retired AF Guy said:
			
		

> The Assassination of Yogi Bear by that Coward BooBoo.



Aaaaaaaaaand, with one shot, there goes my childhood....  

Truly disturbing, but well scored.


----------



## TN2IC (21 Dec 2010)

These cartoons from Cyanide & Happiness always crack me up.

Enjoy..




Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net


----------



## TN2IC (21 Dec 2010)

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net


----------



## TN2IC (21 Dec 2010)

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net


----------



## TN2IC (21 Dec 2010)

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net




Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net




Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net




Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net




Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net




Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net


----------



## TN2IC (21 Dec 2010)

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net


----------



## TN2IC (21 Dec 2010)

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net


----------



## Sapplicant (21 Dec 2010)

TN2IC said:
			
		

> These cartoons from Cyanide & Happiness always crack me up.




Now on youtube!  

Click on the channel for more. Personally, my favourite is the "Noodles" one...


(not for the easily offended)


----------



## HavokFour (22 Dec 2010)

Brace yourself.

http://twitter.com/Kentofthenorth/status/17637196508962818


----------



## Sapplicant (22 Dec 2010)

TN2IC said:
			
		

> Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?
> 
> 
> So they can watch the battle too.
> ...




How many gears in a French tank? 

5. 

4 in reverse, and 1 forward, in case they're attacked from the rear.


----------



## Rafterman1 (23 Dec 2010)




----------



## Cdnleaf (23 Dec 2010)

[size=14pt]*December 23rd - HAPPY FESTIVUS*[/size]  







CNN ARTICLE/VIDEO:  http://edition.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/12/23/festivus.holiday/index.html
WIKIPEDIA BACKGROUND:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Festivus


----------



## Journeyman (23 Dec 2010)

Dear Children,

Santa is Mom and Dad.

Love, 

Your friends at Wikileaks


----------



## Cdnleaf (23 Dec 2010)

Journeyman said:
			
		

> Dear Children,
> 
> Santa is Mom and Dad.
> 
> ...


----------



## Thompson_JM (24 Dec 2010)

cdnleaf said:
			
		

>



Ha Ha!

Appropriate Response!  ;D


----------



## Rafterman1 (24 Dec 2010)

Merry Christmas Children.


----------



## Journeyman (24 Dec 2010)

cdnleaf said:
			
		

>


Sure, when the leaks hit closer to home Assange isn't such a hero, is he?   ;D


----------



## GAP (25 Dec 2010)

‘Twas The Night Before Christmas – The Legal Version
By: Mike McIntyre 23/12/2010
Article Link

We all know lawyers often have their own language – and you wouldn’t be alone in wondering if they sometimes get paid by the word. To that end, I present to you one of my favourite finds, a remake of the classic "Twas The Night Before Christmas" poem as if it were written by a lawyer. The author of the piece – which is readily available online – is not known. But full credit to whoever sat down and came up with it!

Enjoy – And have a safe and happy holiday!



"Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.



A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.



The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House, were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.



Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)



Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.



At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the "Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.



Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder and Blitzen (hereinafter the "Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named Rudolph may have been involved.)



The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.



Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.



Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.) Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.



However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect." 
end - Merry Christmas


----------



## Oh No a Canadian (28 Dec 2010)

I haven't lasted 30 seconds without breaking out in laughter.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IV0F1q9BKME


----------



## GAP (29 Dec 2010)

British Suicide Bombers on Strike!

Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda Central announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25%, from 72 to only 54, effective immediately. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and the subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife, coupled with other factors contributing to a decline in the virgin supply. The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Mustapha Fook told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in our teeth."

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace and a difficult economy. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife, which is not helped by the downturn in the economy which is driving virgins to cash in their chastity. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting compensation, but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle, Middlesborough, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in our areas anyway."

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has also been attributed to the emergence and popularity of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are less keen on rushing to paradise.


----------



## PMedMoe (29 Dec 2010)

MSN speak for older folk:

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL-CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing - And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

 ;D


----------



## Sapplicant (2 Jan 2011)

> "Freedom of speech means the government won't prevent you from saying most things. It doesn't mean that other people can't, or shouldn't, call you out on it when you're being a goddamn idiot."


----------



## GAP (2 Jan 2011)

Dumb Woman Locked in Car 

http://en.video.canoe.tv/video/comedy/comedy/1906868833/dumb-woman-locked-in-car/18130701001


----------



## Searyn (2 Jan 2011)

I thought the locker commercial was funny. I laugh every time I see this one on TV.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jj1JERVfYB4&feature=player_embedded


----------



## GAP (6 Jan 2011)

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school
friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)


----------



## CEEBEE501 (7 Jan 2011)




----------



## Oh No a Canadian (7 Jan 2011)

I swear thats Michael Scott Steve Carell in the clown suit.


----------



## IBM (7 Jan 2011)

Ah Timmy's, less well-known outside Canada than hockey or the Mounties, but still Canadian.


----------



## IBM (7 Jan 2011)

The stairs seem a whole lot more appealing now, eh?


----------



## CEEBEE501 (7 Jan 2011)

> Ah yes, the great Canadian tradition of portaging between waterways. Little known fact: the reason Canada scrapped the HMCS Bonaventure wasn't because it was too much boat for us to afford, it was because it was too much work to carry it upside down on the crew's heads between the Atlantic and Pacific oceans.
> A Mari usque ad Mare!


----------



## IBM (7 Jan 2011)

Read this somewhere today but don't have the link handy.



> Dear kids:
> 
> Santa Claus is Mom and Dad.
> 
> WikiLeaks


----------



## vonGarvin (7 Jan 2011)

IBM said:
			
		

> Read this somewhere today but don't have the link handy.


Let me help you:



			
				Journeyman said:
			
		

> Dear Children,
> 
> Santa is Mom and Dad.
> 
> ...


----------



## Sapplicant (10 Jan 2011)

One of _those_ e-mails we all get from time to time:



> A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.
> 
> One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.
> 
> ...


----------



## Lakatos (10 Jan 2011)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI Funny British clip about a Blackberry, an Apple, and an Eggsbox


----------



## IBM (11 Jan 2011)

Warning to thieves:


----------



## George Wallace (13 Jan 2011)

My Blackberry is not working


----------



## TN2IC (14 Jan 2011)

IBM said:
			
		

> Ah Timmy's, less well-known outside Canada than hockey or the Mounties, but still Canadian.



Guess where I'm at....     ;D


----------



## CEEBEE501 (17 Jan 2011)




----------



## HavokFour (19 Jan 2011)

*Warning, may offend pansies.*

Ranger School Promo
Ranger School Promo 2
Ranger School Promo 3


----------



## nuclearzombies (19 Jan 2011)

Sweet! no need for those pesky UN inspectors! google maps will locate WMD's:

http://virtuelvis.com/archives/2005/02/google-maps-finds-weapons-of-mass-destruction


----------



## observor 69 (20 Jan 2011)

Another funny


----------



## nuclearzombies (20 Jan 2011)

BEST MONTY PYTHON EVER - the mosquito hunting skit.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKlkD-D20OI


----------



## the 48th regulator (21 Jan 2011)

Bwahahaha!!!! It reminds about a time in the military, I was sent to help the cooks (Yes, they still sent us troublemakers, that got caught, to the kitchen for punishment even in the 90's) and the whole kitchen staff were Newfies.

It got worst for me, when they found out I was from Ontario...

Sacred heart of Jesus...



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=drVqGhjI558


----------



## Sapplicant (24 Jan 2011)




----------



## CEEBEE501 (26 Jan 2011)

> Grand piano on sandbar mystifies Miami
> Miami has seen its share of piano bars, but none quite like this — a grand piano has inexplicably appeared on a sandbar in Biscayne Bay.



http://www.cbc.ca/world/story/2011/01/26/grand-piano-miami-sandbar.html


----------



## HavokFour (26 Jan 2011)

Sigmund Freud, anyone?


----------



## Sapplicant (27 Jan 2011)

So three blonds are walking through the woods, and they come upon some tracks.

The first blond stops and says "Look, deer tracks!"

The second one responds "No, those are elk tracks."

The third blond has spent some time in the woods before, so she speaks up "You are both wrong, those are obviously moose tracks"


They argue for about 10 minutes, and they get hit by a train.


----------



## PMedMoe (27 Jan 2011)

The Canadian Government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.

Anyone travelling in winter should make sure they have the following:
    

    Shovel
    Blankets or sleeping bag
    Extra clothing including hat and gloves
    24 hours worth of food
    De-Icer
    Rock Salt
    Flashlight with spare batteries
    Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
    Empty gas Can
    First Aid Kit
    Booster cables

     

I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning!


----------



## OldSolduer (27 Jan 2011)

A fella in Saskatchewan was out hunting a came across a lovely young lady, half dressed with a gleam in her eye.

"Are you game?" he asks?

"You bet!!" she exclaims...


so.... he shot her....


----------



## Sigger (28 Jan 2011)

Jim Seggie ladies and gentlemen!  ;D


----------



## OldSolduer (28 Jan 2011)

A woman from Saskatchewan turned 100 and the local TV station did  a segment on her.

The interviewer asked the lady what the secret of long life was....the centenarian told him that a shot of rye whiskey and day and a good diet was key.

The interviewer asked "Have you ever been bedridden?"

The old woman replied "Oh hundreds of times my dear....and twice in the neighbour's combine!!"


----------



## observor 69 (29 Jan 2011)

Some good advice :


----------



## nuclearzombies (29 Jan 2011)

Rick Mercer on attack ads: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5CAyoHa17HE


----------



## CEEBEE501 (30 Jan 2011)

Umm....wait...WTF?  ???

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9W6Jl3beOlY


----------



## 57Chevy (30 Jan 2011)

End Of The World Flash Animation





press start.....


----------



## Journeyman (30 Jan 2011)

For the recruiting threads:


----------



## vonGarvin (30 Jan 2011)

Journeyman said:
			
		

> For the recruiting threads:



This is a keeper.  Thank you!


----------



## Kat Stevens (30 Jan 2011)

Or a Premiership rugby club, or an NHL team, or an NFL team, or....


----------



## observor 69 (2 Feb 2011)

EXERCISE  

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side.

With a 5-lb   potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out
from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you
can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight
for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
.


----------



## observor 69 (3 Feb 2011)

Volkswagen Commercial: The Force 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R55e-uHQna0


----------



## 57Chevy (3 Feb 2011)

Underwater Demolitions Expert


----------



## ironduke57 (14 Feb 2011)

> ;D


----------



## Rheostatic (15 Feb 2011)

From Kate Beaton's Hark! A Vagrant


----------



## Occam (15 Feb 2011)

For those who are following the Rogers/Bell/CRTC usage based billing (UBB) fiasco...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-Mg6pq33Zc


----------



## RememberanceDay (15 Feb 2011)

the 48th regulator said:
			
		

> Bwahahaha!!!! It reminds about a time in the military, I was sent to help the cooks (Yes, they still sent us troublemakers, that got caught, to the kitchen for punishment even in the 90's) and the whole kitchen staff were Newfies.
> 
> It got worst for me, when they found out I was from Ontario...
> 
> ...




HEHEHE! I'm a newfie, an' by gorge, if someone got sent to a kitchen full a' newfies an' it was taters night....


----------



## Cdnleaf (21 Feb 2011)

So, I'm otherwise enjoying a quiet family day / subscribed to Milnet finally and was doing some puttering about outside.  Not sure if this is an Ottawa Valley phenomenon, but the surest way to get people looking/gawking at your house is to leave a garage door open.  Noticed this trend last fall - kind of unusual, people will literally do an Owl neck twist to get a look.  It's a damn garage?! nothing unusual, modest house.  Anyone else noticed this?  (the below pic is not of mine / though would be sure to look)


----------



## observor 69 (22 Feb 2011)

Double meaning !


----------



## Pat in Halifax (22 Feb 2011)

Kinda long but funny!

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike.  He doesn't have much  luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.  
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.  It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.  
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 
 'Well, it's  quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever  the bike is  outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.  It protects it  from the  rain.' 
 And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. 

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.  Naturally, they take the bike  there. 
But just  before they enter the  house, Sandra  stops him and says, 'I have to tell you  something about my family before we go in.' 
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the  dishes.' 
'No problem,'  he says. And in they go. 
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living  room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. 
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on  the stairs, in the  corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty  dishes. 
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. 
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of  the situation. 
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. 
No one says a word. 
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. 
Still, nobody says a  word.  So he stands  up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her  on  the table, and  screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His  girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is  obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. 
He looks at her mom.. 
'She's got a great body,' he thinks.
So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming.
But  still, Total silence. 

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it  starts  to rain. 
Joe remembers  his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket... 
Suddenly the father shouted....

'I'll do the f***ing dishes!


----------



## mariomike (22 Feb 2011)

cdnleaf said:
			
		

> (the below pic is not of mine / though would be sure to look)



Reminded me of an Aerial truck that was just a little too high for TFS Station 433. It doesn't look too bad, but the building had to be abandoned until repaired. The repair work can be seen in the second photo.


----------



## observor 69 (22 Feb 2011)

Steve McQueen’s ‘Bullitt’ Chase, Rendered for the Very Small Screen


http://wheels.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/02/22/steve-mcqueens-bullitt-chase-rendered-for-the-very-small-screen/?nl=automobiles&emc=wheelsema2


----------



## JMesh (24 Feb 2011)

"Billy Mays didn't die. He just convinced people he died.

He's that good a salesman."

A comment on http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpJGZ9RHAvU&NR=1


----------



## Rheostatic (3 Mar 2011)

A day at the beach: A Frenchman picks the wrong day to visit Normandy beach.


----------



## Hammer Sandwich (3 Mar 2011)

Rheostatic said:
			
		

> A day at the beach: A Frenchman picks the wrong day to visit Normandy beach.



 :rofl:I Love when he gingerly grabs his cheese from under the rifleman!


----------



## Rifleman62 (5 Mar 2011)

Gas Prices. 

Prices go up 10 cents a liter in Canada, and 10 cents a US gallon in the US.


----------



## Rifleman62 (6 Mar 2011)

Likely he will put in motion that his image is on Mt Rushmore, although an interim statue will work.


----------



## ironduke57 (7 Mar 2011)

;D


----------



## Dissident (7 Mar 2011)

This just blew my mind.


----------



## nuclearzombies (9 Mar 2011)

Well, I got hammered this weekend. :blotto: Really hammered :blotto:. I even fell asleep on my watch, which is kinda dangerous because my magazine fed, lever action nerf gun doesn't have a safety!


----------



## ironduke57 (9 Mar 2011)

;D


----------



## ironduke57 (9 Mar 2011)




----------



## CEEBEE501 (9 Mar 2011)

Three of the people from my BMOQ last summer got their course dates this week for BMOQ(L)..........They are all pilots.....


----------



## HavokFour (10 Mar 2011)




----------



## Rifleman62 (14 Mar 2011)

This is a yarn:

YARD SIGN 
From a guy in Texas : 

My neighbor is a "lefty" of sorts (Obama bumper stickers, gung-ho socialized medicine, "guns should be banned", etc.).  So this past spring I put this sign up in my yard after one of his anti-gun rants at a neighborhood cocktail party.    
    
The sign wasn't up more than an hour before he called the police and wanted them to make me take down the sign. Fortunately, the officer politely informed him that it was not their job to take such action without a court order and that he had to file a complaint "downtown" first, which would be reviewed by the city attorney to see if it violated any city, county, or state ordinances, which if there was a violation a court order would be sent to the offendin g party (me) to "remove the sign in seven days." 
    
After several weeks he was informed that the sign was legal (by a quarter of an inch) and there was nothing the city could do, which obviously made him madder.    
    
I tried  to smooth things over by inviting him to go shooting with me and my friends at the hunt club but that seemed to make him even more angry.  I am at a loss how to reconcile our long relationship (notice I did not say friendship), any suggestions would be welcome.


----------



## Rifleman62 (15 Mar 2011)

Breaking News:

CBC reports:  

Beginning in April 1, 2011 all Canadian gas stations will start showing PORN movies on the screens of the pumps so that you can watch someone else getting screwed at the same time that you are!!


----------



## Rifleman62 (15 Mar 2011)

Get Fuzzy cartoon strip 15 Mar 2011


----------



## observor 69 (15 Mar 2011)

The President's Speech


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SnxNnJYziMY   ;D


----------



## Rifleman62 (18 Mar 2011)

*       How to sell toothbrushes *

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher. Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher…

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2, 467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!"

Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the government's strategy of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get that taste out of your mouth.


----------



## 57Chevy (18 Mar 2011)

Stupid Stunts 1 - Towing a Car Stuck in Snow 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKP-5iodgYY


----------



## PMedMoe (23 Mar 2011)

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it was true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said, “Shore is, little lady.  Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?”

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
   
Blushing, he said, “Well, thank ya, ma'am.  Ah'm real pleased. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.”

The woman replied, “Don't be flattered.  Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”

 ;D


----------



## CougarKing (26 Mar 2011)

;D

link



> Sarasota Herald-Tribune now hottest place to land a journalism job
> 
> By Joe Pompeo | US News - The Cutline – Thu, 24 Mar, 2011 11:41 AM EDT
> 
> ...


----------



## Alea (26 Mar 2011)

How accurate is this one nowadays 








Alea


----------



## Rifleman62 (28 Mar 2011)

Warning, Adult XXX

This man had what he thought was the best tattoo in the world...


...until he went to prison.


----------



## zander1976 (28 Mar 2011)




----------



## nuclearzombies (28 Mar 2011)

Top o' the mornin to all, here's a couple funnies to get you started out today (have a gooder folks!)  :yellow:


----------



## OldSolduer (28 Mar 2011)

nuclearzombies said:
			
		

> Top o' the mornin to all, here's a couple funnies to get you started out today (have a gooder folks!)  :yellow:



I'm keeping an eye on you....I like the cut of your jib....zombie wise....


----------



## ironduke57 (29 Mar 2011)

Family Feud: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQRMvg5TAl8

 > ;D


----------



## CEEBEE501 (29 Mar 2011)

Whana hear a joke....

Vancouver Island University Faculty Association


----------



## Rifleman62 (29 Mar 2011)

http://nozzlerage.com/Nozzle_Rage_Video_2.html

Nozzle Rage

Couple of videos. You can skip the msg.


----------



## 57Chevy (29 Mar 2011)

Three kinds of men  ;D


----------



## MikeL (30 Mar 2011)

Combat Coffee 101- language warning

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRIriU1ApVc


----------



## 211RadOp (30 Mar 2011)

-Skeletor- said:
			
		

> Combat Coffee 101- language warning
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRIriU1ApVc



It has been making the rounds on FB.  My 9D almost killed herself laughing.


----------



## Sigger (30 Mar 2011)

-Skeletor- said:
			
		

> Combat Coffee 101- language warning
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRIriU1ApVc



"OPEN!" Hahahahahah!


----------



## JMesh (30 Mar 2011)

Made by a friend of mine while working on his Music History paper:


----------



## nuclearzombies (2 Apr 2011)

"The Front Fell Off"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-QNAwUdHUQ


----------



## agc (2 Apr 2011)

I was checking out of Dominion during a recent grocery shop.  The young lady working the register was having a bit of difficulty with the fresh vegetables.  I assumed she was new to the store and just hadn't memorized the numbers yet, until she picked one of my items up, and asked "What's this?"  I kept a straight face.  "Celery."


----------



## CougarKing (2 Apr 2011)

Okayyyy...

NYC weatherman goes crazy...


----------



## nuclearzombies (3 Apr 2011)




----------



## PMedMoe (3 Apr 2011)

A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?, What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old".

The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied. 

 ;D


----------



## Rifleman62 (4 Apr 2011)

Birthday or Fathers Day coming up? Gift suggestions for real men.

Part 1, personal use.


----------



## Rifleman62 (4 Apr 2011)

Birthday or Fathers Day coming up? Gift suggestions for real men.

Part 2, around the home.


----------



## HavokFour (5 Apr 2011)

How to make coffee in the Field


----------



## Sigger (5 Apr 2011)

You were beaten to it..

Look up, wayyy up.. Still hilarious.


----------



## Rifleman62 (7 Apr 2011)

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK: 

1. Open a new file in your computer. 
2. Name it "Michael Ignatieff". 
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin. 
4. Empty the Recycle Bin. 
5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of "Michael Ignatieff?" 
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.' 
7. Feel better? 

GOOD! ----- Tomorrow we'll do "Jack Layton"! 


I am sure somebody will be along to add "Harper".


----------



## Occam (7 Apr 2011)

No, I did not write this.  Yes, it's long, but it's worth it.


Lizard Birth

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies." 
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" 
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked. 

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later....

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. .... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . .. masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife..

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its .. . . its. . teeny little . . "

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!


----------



## Sigger (7 Apr 2011)

Funny, but not 'ha ha' funny..

http://youtu.be/gCjrx9LLr68


----------



## PMedMoe (9 Apr 2011)

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looked at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.'

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it?

I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'


----------



## 57Chevy (9 Apr 2011)

The Cart pulling the donkey  ;D


----------



## VIChris (10 Apr 2011)

Little Johnny is sitting on Santa's lap. Santa says to him "I bet you want a B I K E for Christmas this year," tapping Johnny on the nose as he says each letter. 

"Nope," says Johnny.

"Perhaps a W A G O N?" he spells out, again tapping Johnny on the nose.

"Nope," is is reply again.

"Well what would you like then?" Asks Santa.

"I want some P U S S Y," he says, tapping Saint Nick on the nose. "And don't tell me you haven't got any, 'cause I can smell it on your fingers."


----------



## ironduke57 (11 Apr 2011)




----------



## Journeyman (11 Apr 2011)

Liberal Campaign Promises on Navy Procurement


----------



## jollyjacktar (11 Apr 2011)

:rofl:


----------



## CEEBEE501 (11 Apr 2011)




----------



## Dissident (11 Apr 2011)

My turn to :ROFL


----------



## Rifleman62 (12 Apr 2011)

First sign of Spring in Ontario


----------



## 57Chevy (12 Apr 2011)

You never could read them anyway  ;D


----------



## Dissident (13 Apr 2011)

Lots of this going in Suffield right now:


----------



## Rifleman62 (13 Apr 2011)

CF Recruiter


----------



## OldSolduer (13 Apr 2011)

Jack Daniels is a great thing, to wit:


----------



## 57Chevy (13 Apr 2011)

Good one Jim :rofl:

Here's a bumper sticker for you :cheers:


----------



## HavokFour (14 Apr 2011)

Skittles "Touch" Campaign


----------



## wson (14 Apr 2011)

HAHAHA strangely arousing.  :nod:


----------



## CougarKing (14 Apr 2011)

Bi-winning? okaaaayyyy... :

link: UBC campus does lipdub


----------



## ironduke57 (17 Apr 2011)

:nod:


----------



## Alea (17 Apr 2011)

This is not really funny but I didn't know where to post it.

Poor guy! It must really hurt!!

http://fr.video.sympatico.ca/index.php/fr/video/divertissement/12/humour/33/droles-de-videos/157/biker-owned-by-branch/906094304001

Alea


----------



## Occam (17 Apr 2011)

;D


----------



## CougarKing (18 Apr 2011)

T-mobile's depiction of William and Kate's upcoming wedding


----------



## Haletown (18 Apr 2011)

Beer . .. because it can cause  more than memory loss



http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00622/beer_goggles_622180a.swf


----------



## jollyjacktar (19 Apr 2011)

Thanks Haletown, good laugh.   :cheers:


----------



## jollyjacktar (20 Apr 2011)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=9ByBGMIkNCI


----------



## jollyjacktar (20 Apr 2011)




----------



## PMedMoe (21 Apr 2011)

The Wal-Mart Greeter

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. 

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. 

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome." 

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it." 

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear."   

“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I’ll try harder." 

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, "It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?" 

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. 

He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, Good morning, General, can I get your coffee, sir?”

   ;D


----------



## 211RadOp (22 Apr 2011)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, Good morning, General, can I get your coffee, sir?”
> 
> ;D



Heard the same one, but it ended "Good morning RSM."


----------



## PMedMoe (22 Apr 2011)

211RadOp said:
			
		

> Heard the same one, but it ended "Good morning RSM."



The one I saw actually had Admiral, but I changed that.


----------



## Alea (22 Apr 2011)

Happy Easter to all!

Alea

______________________________________________________________________

*Secret Service*
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" 

My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." 

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" 

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service!" 

_______________________________________________________________________


----------



## avgpjon (23 Apr 2011)

VIChris said:
			
		

> A Scottish Solder in full dress uniform marches into a chemists.
> Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.
> The condom has a number of patches on it.
> The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
> ...



Good one, though 40+ years old.

The way I heard it was that the Scotish soldier returned the next and announced to the chemist that it was the decision of the Regiment to have it vulcanized.  (Vulcanize...old country expression meaning to repair rubber objects with applied heat).


----------



## SARgirl (23 Apr 2011)

Military Cha Cha Slide
http://dancejam.com/videos/1054605025-military-cha-cha-slide
Nice to see them get into the groove at work.  ;D


----------



## ironduke57 (23 Apr 2011)

WHEN YOU SEE IT......


----------



## OldSolduer (24 Apr 2011)

ironduke57 said:
			
		

> WHEN YOU SEE IT......



See what?


----------



## PMedMoe (24 Apr 2011)

Received via email:

An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf.  So he puts his name down at the local club.

After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down.  So he goes down to the club to enquire why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.

Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.

Scot: Aye, so do I.

Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?

Scot: Aye, neither do I.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So you are circumcised?

Scot: Aye, I be that too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.

Scot: Ach, away with ya man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.
And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus.
But this is the first time I heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.

iper:


----------



## ironduke57 (24 Apr 2011)

Jim Seggie said:
			
		

> See what?


Maybe you should more focus on the background and less on the eh foreground. 

Regards,
ironduke57


----------



## vonGarvin (24 Apr 2011)

ironduke57 said:
			
		

> WHEN YOU SEE IT......


Oh, I get it: 

Her bra and panties match  :nod:


----------



## MJP (24 Apr 2011)

Technoviking said:
			
		

> Oh, I get it:
> 
> Her bra and panties match  :nod:



No silly she isn't in the kitchen...

*ducks*


----------



## George Wallace (24 Apr 2011)

OH NO! Go Go Godzilla!











http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcZGRCU8s3g&feature=related


----------



## DexOlesa (24 Apr 2011)

Is it bad that the first thing I saw was Godzilla? Been single too long I guess.



*Post Turtle*



While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.  Eventually, the topic got around to Michael Ignatieff and his bid to be the PM of Canada . 

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, he's a 'Post Turtle''. Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. 
The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'. 

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. 
. . .  'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with'.


----------



## observor 69 (24 Apr 2011)

Party Leaders “Hop to it” for Easter

http://ipolitics.ca/2011/04/24/party-leaders-hop-to-it-for-easter-2/


----------



## Saskboy (24 Apr 2011)

Thanks for posting, I got a good chuckle out of that. I laughed particularly hard during Iggy and Gille's little partner routine. Also appears that Jack's hip has healed up quite nicely.


----------



## Retired AF Guy (25 Apr 2011)

No eggs today!


----------



## ironduke57 (26 Apr 2011)

;D


----------



## ironduke57 (26 Apr 2011)




----------



## Danny_C (27 Apr 2011)

Marines having some fun. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCrG6TzG-nw&feature=player_embedded#at=77


----------



## GAP (27 Apr 2011)

3 New Navy  Ships:  Pictures below

USS  REAGAN 

Seeing it next to  the Arizona Memorial really puts its size into  perspective... ENORMOUS!

When the Bridge pipes 'Man the  Rail' there is a lot of rail to man on this monster:  shoulder to shoulder, around 4.5 acres.  Her  displacement is about 100,000 tons with full  complement.   

Capability

Top speed exceeds 30 knots,  powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for  more than 20 years without  refueling                    

1.  Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50  years 

2. Carries over 80 combat  aircraft  

3. Three arresting cables  can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in  less than 400 feet 

Size

1. Towers 20 stories above the  waterline

2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as  the Empire State Building is tall 

3.   Flight deck covers 4.5 acres

4.  4 bronze  propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200   pounds

5.  2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and  weighing 50 tons

6.  4 high speed aircraft  elevators, each over 4,000 square  feet 

Capacity 

1. Home to about 6,000 Navy  personnel  

2 . Carries enough food and  supplies to operate for 90 days

3.  18,150  meals served daily

4.  Distillation plants  provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water  daily, enough for 2,000  homes       

5.   Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable  and wiring 1,400 telephones 

6.  14,000  pillowcases and 28,000 sheets

  

HMCS MIKE IGNATIEFF 

The  Mike Ignatieff (HMCS) set sail today from its  home port of Vancouver ,  BC

The ship is the first of its  kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to Michael Ignatieff  'for his foresight in military budget cuts'   

The ship is  constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and  is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5  knots. It boasts an arsenal comprised of  one (unarmed) F18 Hornet  aircraft which, although they cannot be launched on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing  presence. 

As a standing order, there are no  firearms allowed on board.

This crew, like the  crew aboard the HMSC Jean chretien, is specially trained  to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of  Canada at all costs. 

An onboard  Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages  of apology in any language to anyone who may find Canada offensive.  The number of apologies are  limitless and though some may seem hollow and  disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.   

In times of  conflict, the HMSC Mike Ignatieff  has orders to seek refuge in the USA

HMSC JACK LAYTON

 Details  are   vague.     
 But don't you  worry..........he has a  plan


----------



## Rifleman62 (28 Apr 2011)

For GAP:

 Sensitivity Training


 A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the
 heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of
 one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the
 military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career
 he was always sensitive about his appearance.


 One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a
 Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.


 The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great
 interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you
 notice anything different about me?"


 The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are
 missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your
 hearing on that side.."


 The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his
 office.


 The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same
 question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear."

 The Admiral threw him out also.


 The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was
 articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two
 Master Chiefs put together.. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with
 the same question.


 "Do you notice anything different about me?"


 To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."


 The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly
 tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.


 The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fuckin' ear."


----------



## JBrock (28 Apr 2011)




----------



## CEEBEE501 (29 Apr 2011)




----------



## OldSolduer (29 Apr 2011)

CEEBEE501 said:
			
		

>



I been that guy, on more than one occasion.


----------



## ironduke57 (29 Apr 2011)

Larry Niven's Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex.

 :rofl:


----------



## Rheostatic (1 May 2011)

From Kate Beaton's Hark! A Vagrant


----------



## Rifleman62 (2 May 2011)

A magician worked on a cruise ship. 

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. 

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick. 

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, Its not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under  the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" 

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot. 

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. 
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot. 

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. 

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... 

"OK, I give up. Where's the freakin' ship?"


----------



## Rifleman62 (2 May 2011)

*Have You Ever Danced?*

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. 

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat. 

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. 

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" 

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to." 

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. 

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. 

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. 

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. 

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. 

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.. The silence was almost deafening. 

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. 

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?" 

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

-Never be arrogant.
-Don't waste ammunition.
-Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
-Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid. 


I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?


----------



## PMedMoe (4 May 2011)

A study conducted by UCLA has revealed that the kind of man a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. 

If she is ovulating, she is attracted to a man with rugged and masculine features.  However, if she is menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire ....     >


----------



## GAP (4 May 2011)

Online date goes horribly wrong
By QMI Agency
http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2011/05/03/18098061.html 

BARRIE, Ont. - A date arranged online went awry for a Barrie man when the woman turned out to be his current girlfriend.

When the 49-year-old woman arrived at a local coffee shop Saturday evening, Barrie police say she threw coffee in his face and slapped him.

An off duty OPP officer arrested the woman and called city police.

The woman was held for bail.


----------



## OldSolduer (4 May 2011)

GAP said:
			
		

> Online date goes horribly wrong
> By QMI Agency
> http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2011/05/03/18098061.html
> 
> ...



So I guess she was looking for some extra cirricular fun too.....but she'll be portrayed as the victim.


----------



## Journeyman (4 May 2011)

Rifleman62 said:
			
		

> There are a few lessons for us all here:
> 
> -Never be arrogant.
> -Don't waste ammunition.
> ...


And from the mule's perspective:

- Even if you had nothing to do with a mission's outcome, you can still brag about it   ;D


----------



## GAP (4 May 2011)

Psst....somebody let Jack know...............

Toronto massage parlours face crackdown
By DON PEAT, QMI Agency
Article Link

TORONTO - One Toronto councillor wants to ensure there's no such thing as a happy ending.

Councillor Doug Ford asked the licensing and standards committee Tuesday to crack down on "rub and tug" parlours operating under the guise of being traditional Chinese medicine and acupuncture clinics.
More on link


----------



## ironduke57 (4 May 2011)




----------



## Hammer Sandwich (4 May 2011)

Jim Seggie said:
			
		

> So I guess she was looking for some extra cirricular fun too.....but she'll be portrayed as the victim.



+ a Ba-zillion. 
I think I'm on the same page with you on this one, Mr. S.

I'm sure if the tables were turned, the fella would do 5 for assault.

I'm going to follow this, and see what her punishment is, (if any).


----------



## PMedMoe (4 May 2011)

Jim Seggie said:
			
		

> So I guess she was looking for some extra cirricular fun too.....but she'll be portrayed as the victim.





			
				Hammer Sandwich said:
			
		

> + a Ba-zillion.
> I think I'm on the same page with you on this one, Mr. S.
> 
> I'm sure if the tables were turned, the fella would do 5 for assault.
> ...



You know what they say about jumping to conclusions.........   :

After all, *she* was arrested and is being held on bail.  I'm betting he'll drop the charges anyway.


----------



## GAP (4 May 2011)

Maybe they were meant for each other.....they got together, obviously liked it for a time, then went to find someone else.....in both cases the someone else was EXACTLY like what they had......


----------



## PMedMoe (4 May 2011)

GAP said:
			
		

> Maybe they were meant for each other.....they got together, obviously liked it for a time, then went to find someone else.....in both cases the someone else was EXACTLY like what they had......



 :rofl:  Too funny!

I suspect she was checking up on his online activities and did it deliberately.   >


----------



## observor 69 (6 May 2011)

Nice! RT @DenVan: 
Harper Majority: HATCHED. Kate & Will: MATCHED. Osama bin Laden: DISPATCHED What a week! Cc: #CDNPoli


----------



## Rheostatic (6 May 2011)

From Kate Beaton's Hark! A Vagrant


----------



## GR66 (6 May 2011)

They've begun already.  Received an email from my brother today about a new cocktail...


*The Seal Team 6*


GIN laden...2 shots...and a splash of sea water.


----------



## ironduke57 (6 May 2011)

A german news TV station did made a little error yesterday:






:rofl: :brickwall: :rofl:

Regards,
ironduke57


----------



## CEEBEE501 (6 May 2011)

Is the Eagle eating a space shuttle  ???


----------



## ironduke57 (6 May 2011)

Nope. That´s a Phaser. There are Bath´lets around a Klingon skull and also it´s "Maquis" Special Operations. That´s the emblem of an hypothetical SEAL 6 team from the Maquis of the Startrek DS9 universe. 

Probably someone just googled "SEAL Team 6 emblem" or such and chose the wrong one.

Regards,
ironduke57


----------



## Rheostatic (7 May 2011)

ironduke57 said:
			
		

> Nope. That´s a Phaser. There are Bath´lets around a Klingon skull and also it´s "Maquis" Special Operations. That´s the emblem of an hypothetical SEAL 6 team from the Maquis of the Startrek DS9 universe.
> 
> Probably someone just googled "SEAL Team 6 emblem" or such and chose the wrong one.


Sure enough.


----------



## ironduke57 (8 May 2011)

Osama's watery grave captured:
- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfF1vkMQ0h0

 ;D


----------



## Rifleman62 (8 May 2011)

Note to self: fun with banks: Do not cancel credit cards prior to  death!     

This is so priceless and so easy  to see happening - customer service, being what  it is today! 

A lady died this  past January, and CBIC bank billed her for February and March for their annual  service charges on her credit card,  and then added late fees and interest  on the monthly charge. The balance  had been $0.00, now is somewhere around  $60.00. 

A family member placed a call to the CBIC Bank: 

 Family Member: 
 'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.' 

 CBIC: 
 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.' 

 Family Member: 
 'Maybe you should  turn it over to collections.' 

 CBIC: 
 'Since it is two months past due, it already has  been.' 

 Family Member: 
 So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?' 

CBIC: 
 'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!' 

 Family Member: 
 'Do you think God will be mad at her?' 

 CBIC: 
 'Excuse  me?' 

 Family Member: 
 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about  her being dead?' 

 CBIC: 
 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.' 

 Supervisor gets on the phone: 
 Family Member: 
 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.' 

CBIC: 
 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.' 

 Family Member: 
 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?' 

 CBIC: 
 (Stammer)  'Are you her lawyer?' 

 Family Member: 
 'No, I'm her great  nephew.' 
 (Lawyer info given) 

CBIC: 
 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?' 

 Family Member: 
 'Sure.' 
 ( fax number is given ) 

 After they get the fax: 

 CBIC: 
 'Our  system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.' 

 Family Member: 
 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.' 

 CBIC: 
 'Well,  the late fees and charges do still apply.' 

 Family Member: 
 'Would you like her new billing address?' 

 CBIC: 
 'That might help.' 

 Family Member: 
 ' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney
 Plot Number 1049.' 

CBIC: 
 'Sir, that's a cemetery!' 

 Family Member: 
 'Well, what  the f**k do you do with dead people on your planet?'


----------



## ironduke57 (12 May 2011)

*Obi-Wan Kenobi Is Dead, Vader Says*


> CORUSCANT — Obi-Wan Kenobi, the mastermind of some of the most devastating attacks on the Galactic Empire and the most hunted man in the galaxy, was killed in a firefight with Imperial forces near Alderaan, Darth Vader announced on Sunday.
> 
> In a late-night appearance in the East Room of the Imperial Palace, Lord Vader declared that “justice has been done” as he disclosed that agents of the Imperial Army and stormtroopers of the 501st Legion had finally cornered Kenobi, one of the leaders of the Jedi rebellion, who had eluded the Empire for nearly two decades. Imperial officials said Kenobi resisted and was cut down by Lord Vader's own lightsaber. He was later dumped out of an airlock. ...


- http://www.galacticempiretimes.com/2011/05/09/galaxy/outer-rim/obi-wan-kenobi-is-killed.html

Read also the comments!   ;D  

Regards,
ironduke57


----------



## observor 69 (12 May 2011)

"I'm in my mid-60s. Too young for Medicare. Too old for women to care" - Kinky Friedman


----------



## 57Chevy (12 May 2011)

pensions  :


----------



## Cdnleaf (12 May 2011)

ironduke57 said:
			
		

> *Obi-Wan Kenobi Is Dead, Vader Says*- http://www.galacticempiretimes.com/2011/05/09/galaxy/outer-rim/obi-wan-kenobi-is-killed.html
> 
> Read also the comments!   ;D
> 
> ...


----------



## wson (12 May 2011)

lol


----------



## OldSolduer (13 May 2011)

cdnleaf said:
			
		

>



Agreed. Even better than the C6 in the SF role......


----------



## ironduke57 (13 May 2011)

Iron Sky Teaser 3 - We Come In Peace!
- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNDaOFQ6g2I

 > ;D


----------



## 57Chevy (13 May 2011)

Who?


----------



## Rifleman62 (13 May 2011)

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.  

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto, 'We love to fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. 'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. 'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the fuck do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face.

"Air Canada."


----------



## Hammer Sandwich (14 May 2011)

[quote author=57Chevy [/quote]

Hahahahhahahaaa.........I admit I laughed hard, as "Hello" is one of my guilty pleasures.... ;D


----------



## Hammer Sandwich (14 May 2011)

So this lady goes into the grocery store...

She picks up soup for one (1).....
Salad for one(1).....
Dessert for one (1)....

She brings her wares to the checkout boy.

He scans each item, looks at her, bats his eyelashes and says:

"Listen...are you single?"

She says, "Why yes, how could you tell?"

He says...."Because you're Fu(king ugly...."


----------



## CEEBEE501 (14 May 2011)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSBKZPNsK74&feature=player_embedded


----------



## observor 69 (14 May 2011)

Ultimate Dog Tease

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw


----------



## Rifleman62 (15 May 2011)

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. 

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. 

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.' The man says, 'Yes, it is.' 

Boy - 'I have a golf ball.' 

Man - 'That's nice.' 

Boy - 'Want to buy it?' 

Man - 'No, thanks.' 

Boy - 'My dad's outside.' 

Man - 'OK, how much?' 

Boy - '$250' 

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover, are in the closet together.. 

Boy - 'Dark in here.' 

Man - 'Yes, it is.' 

Boy - 'I have sand wedge. 'The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?' 

Boy - '$750' 

Man - 'Sold.' 

A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice. The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.' 

The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?' 

Boy - '$1,000.' 

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you  confess.' 

They go to the church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. 

The boy says, 'Dark in here.' 

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit with me again. You're in my closet now.'


----------



## jollyjacktar (17 May 2011)

Thank you Rifleman, I needed a laugh today.


----------



## Rifleman62 (18 May 2011)

A variation of an old one:

THE OFFICIAL TEXAS SHERIFF  EXAM

A young Texan grew up  wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2'', strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40  paces. 

When he finally came of  age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff''s Department. After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last  interview. 

The Chief Deputy said,  "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have what you might call an 'attitude suitability test'  that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

Then, sliding a service  pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and  go out and shoot: 

six illegal  aliens,
six  lawyers,
six meth  dealers,
six Muslim  extremists,
six  Democrats,
and a rabbit." 

"Why the rabbit?" queried  the applicant.

"Great attitude. You pass." said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"


----------



## RememberanceDay (18 May 2011)

Rifleman62 said:
			
		

> A variation of an old one:
> 
> THE OFFICIAL TEXAS SHERIFF  EXAM
> 
> ...



Nice...


----------



## Rifleman62 (19 May 2011)

The old one, gender changed:

It's down to three supremely fit, motivated, intelligent and very tough women to get the last position in the JTF2.

The three have passed with ease every test, physical and mental, thrown at them

Interview time.

The first candidate, Antonia, enters the interview room, sits down opposite the guy behind the desk.

"Alright, you passed all the tests with ease". He opens the desk drawer, and pulls out a 9mm automatic. " For this final attitude test, go into the next room. Your husband is in there, *Kill him!*"

In horror, Antonia hollers " No, no, no. We are newly weds just starting our life together".

Fail the interviewer shouts.

The second candidate, Petra, rushes into the interview room, sits down across the guy behind the desk.

"Petra, you passed everything we threw at you". He opens the desk drawer, and pulls out a 9mm automatic. " How badly do you want this position? This is final attitude test. Go into the next room. You will find your husband in there. *Kill him!*"

Petra jumps up and screams " The father of our children, the love of my life? Why kind of people are you to ask that?"

Fail the interviewer screams.

The third and final candidate, Erica, swaggers into the interview room, sprawls in the chair  across from the guy behind the desk.

"Erica, I am going to cut to the chase. All of our tests you easily sailed through. One last test to get in".  He opens the desk drawer, and pulls out a 9mm automatic. " Get into the next room. Your husband is in there. *Kill him!*"

Stunned, the interviewer sees Eric jump up and storm into the room. Nine quick shots are heard. Sounds of bodies smashing into walls, screams, curses.

Erica staggers out, hair tangled, bloody, torn clothing. The interviewer is astonished, speechless!

Erica shouts "Blanks, god damn fricken blanks. What assshole put blanks into the weapon. Couldn't kill him with the 9mm. Had to strangle the *******. I'm in, right?  He's dead. Dead is dead!"


----------



## observor 69 (20 May 2011)

Jeanne Beker
 Contributing editor 
In one of the most sartorially satisfying instances of making lemonade out of lemons, the highest eBay bid on the much-heckled, Philip Treacy-designed headpiece that Princess Beatrice wore to her cousin’s wedding last month topped $30,000at the end of Thursday.

The astonishing style objet, already lionized by Canadian artist Charles Pachter in one of his signature moose paintings, has had critical tongues wagging for weeks and inspired a series of satirical photoshopped images which have gone viral.

Compared to everything from a padded toilet seat to an antiquated I.U.D., the hat in question raised eyebrows and dropped jaws when it first surfaced outside Westminster Abbey. Many, including the Star’s Heather Mallick, saw it as a blight on style propriety, and described it as a “door knocker surrounded by an octopus in strangely Fallopian death throes.” 

But to me, Bea’s bonnet was a stroke of genius, a metaphor for the potential power of fashion, and an outlandishly brave creation whose time had definitely come. 

http://www.thestar.com/living/fashion/article/994267--the-power-of-fashion


----------



## Hammer Sandwich (20 May 2011)

Rifleman62 said:
			
		

> The old one, gender changed:



 :rofl:

HORRIBLE!,
But funny!


----------



## observor 69 (21 May 2011)

@_scottreid
Scott Reid
If the world doesn't end today, I may need to ask a few of you to delete your voicemail without checking. #honestlastwords


----------



## nuclearzombies (22 May 2011)

Angry Beaver???

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/angry-beaver-roams-n-w-t-town-184453296.html


----------



## observor 69 (22 May 2011)

Just something I came upon:

Conversations With Bert: Andy Samberg, Part 1 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxg113O_SRI&feature=channel_video_title


----------



## Rifleman62 (22 May 2011)

Some of you younger folks here will not understand this humor. Q & A.

Q: Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them? 
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction. 

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? 
A: Keep busy. If handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When, done, you have a place to live.. 

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true?  Where is it? 
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt .." 

Q: How can I increase the heart rate of my over-60 year-old mate? 
A: Tell him you're pregnant. 

Q: How can I avoid that terrible curse of unsightly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses. 

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face? 
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.. 

Q: Why should 60-plus people use valet parking? 
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car. 

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? 
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem. 

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? 
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. 

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses? 
A: On their foreheads. 

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores? 
A: "Gosh, I remember all these!"


----------



## dapaterson (22 May 2011)

Andy Samberg, Justin Timberlake and Lady Gaga with a public service announcement.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRybEjxCfFM


----------



## PMedMoe (25 May 2011)

A cleaning woman was  applying for a new position.  

When asked why she left her last employment  she replied, "Sir, the wages were good, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked.  They played a game they call BRIDGE, and last night a lot of folks were there.  As I was about to bring refreshments, I heard a man say ‘Lay down and let’s see what you got.’

Another man said ‘I got strength, but not much length.’  And then another man said to a lady, ‘Take your hand off my trick.’  I pretty near dropped dead just when a lady answered, ‘You forced me.  You jumped me twice when you didn’t have the strength for one good raise’. 

Another lady was talking about protecting her honour.  And, two ladies were talking and one said,  ‘Now it’s my turn to play with your husband while you play with mine.’  

Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving I hope to die if one them didn’t say, ‘Well, I guess we can go home, this is our last rubber!’"



 ;D


----------



## Rifleman62 (29 May 2011)

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She’d hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. “Excuse me, miss,” said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. “The Hilton doesn’t mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.”

“What difference does it make?” Joan asked rather calmly.

“No one can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel.” 

“Not exactly,” said the embarrassed man. “You’re lying on the dining room skylight.


----------



## Bacon (29 May 2011)

An Air Man, a Sailor, a Marine, a Soldier, are walking in Iraq. They see a mud hut sitting on the horrizon. The soldiers want to set up a defensive perimiter, the Airforce wants to rent it for 4 years, the Navy want to paint it, and the Marines want to blow it up.

 :deadhorse:


----------



## Rifleman62 (31 May 2011)

Battle at F-Stop Ridge

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awq90APEVgw

Well Done.


----------



## observor 69 (2 Jun 2011)

Photo was taken by my F-15 comrades guarding the airspace for launch. Thanks to all that you and all our military members sacrifice for our country!


----------



## Sigger (3 Jun 2011)

Not all that funny, but pretty damned cool.


----------



## vonGarvin (3 Jun 2011)

Shuttle Launch


----------



## CougarKing (3 Jun 2011)

So much for "boldly going..." 



> link
> 
> 
> *'Capt. Kirk' scared of space travel: William Shatner confesses his fears*
> ...


----------



## helpup (3 Jun 2011)

Now that is funny.  I like that he mentioned he would think about it if he was paid to go.  That man knows he has a price and is honest about it. ;-)


----------



## Rifleman62 (4 Jun 2011)

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool..

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. 
I'm John,  he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while 
pouring the beers.  "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to  England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a 
car and drive for miles.    Don't we, Jim ?" Jim agrees.

"Ah,  England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap,"  says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, 
that's us, eh Jim ?  And we  can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England ?" asks the  bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to  drive."


----------



## Rifleman62 (5 Jun 2011)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: dgshanks@mymts.net
To: dgshanks@mymts.net
Subject: Catholic Parrots
Date: Sun, 5 Jun 2011 14:20:54 -0500


Catholic Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing' 

'What do they say?' the priest asked. 

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' 

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, 

Then he thought for a moment..... 

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible... 

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. 

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, 
And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.' 

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.' 

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying... 

Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them... 

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:  'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' 

There was stunned silence... 

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, 

'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!'


----------



## 211RadOp (5 Jun 2011)

Is beer on a keyboard a good thing???


----------



## wson (7 Jun 2011)

Saw this on facebook, thought it was funny!


----------



## Fishbone Jones (9 Jun 2011)

Bill O'Reilly flips out, best Rick Rolled ever  ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIcx_rxTstc


----------



## Rifleman62 (10 Jun 2011)

As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinean, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai."


----------



## Foxhound (10 Jun 2011)

The first 36 seconds of this is priceless.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SG23bVpw65o&feature=player_embedded

Found in this article on Cracked.com:

http://www.cracked.com/article_19253_7-legendary-acts-petty-revenge.html


----------



## Teeps74 (11 Jun 2011)

Foxhound said:
			
		

> The first 36 seconds of this is priceless.
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SG23bVpw65o&feature=player_embedded
> 
> ...



That is nothing short of epic! It would so be worth the hundreds of extras to do that!


----------



## Hammer Sandwich (11 Jun 2011)

Rifleman62 said:
			
		

> The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai."



 :rofl:

That...was....brilliant.


----------



## 57Chevy (12 Jun 2011)

I got a kick out of this one from facebook:


----------



## Retired AF Guy (17 Jun 2011)

Reproduced under Section 29 of the copyright act:


----------



## Hammer Sandwich (23 Jun 2011)

Stacked said:
			
		

> I thought this was too funny...



Hey now.....you can't compare Canadian living to.......oh wait....you attached pictures.

Thanks, rioters.

Dinks.


----------



## PMedMoe (24 Jun 2011)

New Alcohol Warning Labels

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering 
what the hell happened to your bra and panties. 
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you 
are whispering when you are not. 
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing 
like a retard. 
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your 
friends over and over again that you love them. 
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you 
can sing. 
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex- 
lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. 
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can 
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. 
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that 
you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. 
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think 
people are laughing WITH you. 
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. 
    
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in 
getting your ass kicked.. 
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan 
tpye reel Gode.


----------



## 211RadOp (24 Jun 2011)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> New Alcohol Warning Labels
> 
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan
> tpye reel Gode.



HEY!! How did you get ahold of one of my QL3 typing tests!!  :threat:


----------



## Journeyman (24 Jun 2011)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan
> tpye reel Gode.


Well, that explains many of the Recruiting threads' posts.


----------



## Rifleman62 (24 Jun 2011)

Further to: http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/100124.0.html

New Snowbirds equipment and personnel.


----------



## Romanmaz (24 Jun 2011)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=19XwTqnKObg - Pretty funny  :camo:


----------



## Occam (25 Jun 2011)

I can't help but feel sorry for this guy.


----------



## GAP (25 Jun 2011)

The car is cheaper.....


----------



## krustyrl (25 Jun 2011)

...and by the looks of things....more fun.!!  Still LMAO though.!


----------



## JMesh (27 Jun 2011)

From my neck of the woods: http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/newfoundland-labrador/story/2011/06/27/nl-zombie-warning-gallery-627.html


----------



## OldSolduer (27 Jun 2011)

JMesh said:
			
		

> From my neck of the woods: http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/newfoundland-labrador/story/2011/06/27/nl-zombie-warning-gallery-627.html



Seeeee.....everyone said...."No way Jim...Zombies? Are you crazy" Well I tried to tell ya....but ya wouldna listen now would ya? (crazy Scots guy accent here)


----------



## Rifleman62 (28 Jun 2011)

Boston Bruins commercials:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LYDaZIYGSlY&feature=player_embedded

Others on page incl: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_su5JzMbsA&NR=1


----------



## Rifleman62 (29 Jun 2011)

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a good looking young lady about to jump off a bridge so they stop. 

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says,  "What are you doing?" 

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says. 

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked, 

"Well babe, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" 

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss. 

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. 

That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! 

Why are you committing suicide?" 

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."


----------



## GAP (3 Jul 2011)

You've probably seen it, but it's good for a laugh . . .


Q: Doctor,  I've heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true?  

A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... don't waste on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually..  Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take nap. 

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?  

A: You must grasp logistical efficiency.  What does cow eat?   Hay and corn. And what are these?   Vegetables.  So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.  Need grain?  Eat chicken.  Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).  And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product. 

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 

A:  No, not at all.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made of grain.  Bottom up! 

Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat ratio?  

A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc. 

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 

A: Can't think of single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No pain... good! 

Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you?   

A:  YOU NOT LISTENING!  Food are fried these day in vegetable oil.  In fact, they permeated by it.  How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!? 

Q:  Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?  

A: Definitely not!  When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach. 

Q:  Is chocolate bad for me? 

A:  Are you crazy?!?  HARRROOOW!!  Cocoa bean!  Another vegetable!  It best feel-good food around! 

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure?   

A:  If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me. 

Q:  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? 

A:  Hey!  'Round' a shape! 

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. 

And  remember: 

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a  ride!!" 

AND... 

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies. 

1. The Japanese eat very little fat 

       and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat 

       and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine 

       and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine 

       and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.  

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of  sausages and fats  

       and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

CONCLUSION: 

Eat and drink what you like. 

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


----------



## Rifleman62 (5 Jul 2011)

Golf

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and a Newfie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Newfie fumed, 'What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'

The Newfie said, 'Why the fuck can't they play at night?'


----------



## GAP (5 Jul 2011)

From The Manitoba Herald
by Clive Runnels

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified this 
week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The results of 
the recent election is prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll 
soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, 
animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the 
cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba 
farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted 
and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken.

When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?â€
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the 
liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields.

"Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so 
much that they wouldn't give any milk.â€Officials are particularly concerned about 
smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and 
drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves."  A lot of 
these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. 
"I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a nice 
little Napa Valley Cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that 
they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being 
made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some 
have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription 
drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration 
authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como 
and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the 
accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age" an official said.


Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an 
organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry 
for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them." an Ottawa resident 
said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"


----------



## 57Chevy (5 Jul 2011)

Saw this somewhere while looking around.  ;D


----------



## observor 69 (8 Jul 2011)

@BorowitzReport
Andy Borowitz 

Cutbacks have increasingly forced mental patients out of institutions and onto Twitter.


In 40 years America's number one industry will be tattoo removal.


----------



## PMedMoe (11 Jul 2011)

From a news article about the last Harry Potter movie.

*10 magic spells we wish worked:* 

"Doofus Poofus" -- Makes Paris Hilton go away forever 

"Trumpus Dumpus" -- Turns Donald Trump's hair into a steaming pile of .... 

"Modicumo Rectumo" -- Reduces Kim Kardashian's bum to a reasonable size 

"Gaga Googoo Go-go" -- Makes Lady Gaga stop doing stupid things 

"Biebus Bobbus Croppus" -- Gives Justin Bieber a crewcut 

"Stanley Cuppus Nativio Entrencho" -- Only Canadian teams ever win the Cup 

"Exhalio Bellyo Expando" -- Makes The Hoff finally stop sucking in his gut 

"Ex-facio Atrocious Avoidus" -- Makes aging stars stop butchering their beautiful faces (so what about the wrinkles and sags!) 

"Severus Snoop" -- Recuts all eight Potter movies with Snoop Dogg as Severus Snape 

"Abraca-pocus and Hocus-cadabra" -- Allows Bugs Bunny to turn Count Bloodcount into a half-vampire, half-bat. 

 ;D


----------



## Hammer Sandwich (11 Jul 2011)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> ...10 magic spells we wish worked....
> 
> "Modicumo Rectumo" -- Reduces Kim Kardashian's bum to a reasonable size



What?!? NO!!!!!!  :'(
_Should this spell be cast, I will not rest until I have found a counter-spell!!_  8)

Gandolf Sandwich




ETA: If any Wizards/Witches, or any other kind of spell casters mess with this.....

_*Im'a burn your house down.*_


----------



## OldSolduer (11 Jul 2011)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> From a news article about the last Harry Potter movie.
> 
> *10 magic spells we wish worked:*
> 
> "Biebus Bobbus Croppus" -- Gives Justin Bieber a crewcut



And a sense of how truly unimportant the pretentious little twerp is. Chances are he'll have a beer gut and be bald when he's 40.


----------



## PMedMoe (15 Jul 2011)

Reading comments on CBC is almost as good as FailBook.

Came across this while reading the story about the RCMP shooting the "killer" black bear in B.C.

_________________________________________________________
Comment:  A bear cull is coming.

With the Governmenst blessing.

It will most likely happen behind the scenes but it will happen.

There are two many bears.
_________________________________________________

Reply:  two? As long as they only kill two I guess that's ok.

 :rofl:


----------



## 211RadOp (17 Jul 2011)

SAD NEWS - Please join me in remembering YET ANOTHER great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dill Dough, plus they had one in the Oven. Services were held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.


----------



## KnightShift (19 Jul 2011)

A little while back my wife and I were at the grocery store getting jam for some cookies she was baking.  As she was studying the jam/jelly section, she turns to me and asks: "What's the difference between jam and jelly?".  Needless to say she didn't appreciate the response  >


----------



## RememberanceDay (19 Jul 2011)

TK-421 said:
			
		

> A little while back my wife and I were at the grocery store getting jam for some cookies she was baking.  As she was studying the jam/jelly section, she turns to me and asks: "What's the difference between jam and jelly?".  Needless to say she didn't appreciate the response  >



What was it?

The infamous 'I don't know'?


----------



## KnightShift (19 Jul 2011)

RemembranceDay said:
			
		

> What was it?
> 
> The infamous 'I don't know'?



It can go a couple of different ways, but follows the basic formula outlined below:

"I can't jelly my (_insert appendage here_) up your (_insert orifice here_)"


----------



## ironduke57 (22 Jul 2011)

German tourist arrives at a French airport. Immigration officer asks him: "Occupation?" The German replies: "No, no, just visiting." 

 > ;D


----------



## vonGarvin (22 Jul 2011)

ironduke57 said:
			
		

> German tourist arrives at a French airport. Immigration officer asks him: "Occupation?" The German replies: "No, no, just visiting."
> 
> > ;D



:rofl:


----------



## brihard (22 Jul 2011)

TK-421 said:
			
		

> A little while back my wife and I were at the grocery store getting jam for some cookies she was baking.  As she was studying the jam/jelly section, she turns to me and asks: "What's the difference between jam and jelly?".  Needless to say she didn't appreciate the response  >




BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Worth sleeping on the couch?


----------



## Hammer Sandwich (22 Jul 2011)

Brihard said:
			
		

> BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
> 
> Worth sleeping on the couch?



Bah...If he's married, he ain't seen (inset orifice) in years anyways.....


----------



## Romanmaz (26 Jul 2011)

http://youtu.be/ojvIFTXs4nQ - This made me laugh pretty hard. Make sure you turn up the volume.


----------



## ironduke57 (27 Jul 2011)

Saddam Hussein ist still in power, sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes 8!"

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."

Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke."

"Really?!" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."

"Faith and begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back.

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners."


----------



## Rheostatic (28 Jul 2011)

10 Words You Need to Stop Misspelling


----------



## PMedMoe (28 Jul 2011)

Rheostatic said:
			
		

> 10 Words You Need to Stop Misspelling



Nice.  Should be mandatory reading prior to posting.   :nod:

Another to add:  which and witch


----------



## Rifleman62 (30 Jul 2011)

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that...... 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. 

Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!" 

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg." 

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse. 

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet 

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair! 

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening. " 

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.


----------



## HavokFour (1 Aug 2011)




----------



## Romanmaz (1 Aug 2011)

> http://youtu.be/ojvIFTXs4nQ - This made me laugh pretty hard. Make sure you turn up the volume.



Didn't like the video?


----------



## Hammer Sandwich (7 Aug 2011)

The "Small Mallet" and I completed the latest video in our tactical series.

We are pleased to present to you, *"BBB#5, Camouflage and Concealment"*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58NdlFOyBnk


----------



## HavokFour (7 Aug 2011)

Hammer Sandwich said:
			
		

> The "Small Mallet" and I completed the latest video in our tactical series.
> 
> We are pleased to present to you, *"BBB#5, Camouflage and Concealment"*
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58NdlFOyBnk



Whiskers really bring out the colour of your eyes. You should wear that look more often.  :rofl:

EDIT: I've thought of a possible edition to your gear, a hip mounted bottle opener holster.


----------



## Hammer Sandwich (7 Aug 2011)

HavokFour said:
			
		

> Whiskers really bring out the colour of your eyes. You should wear that look more often.  :rofl:



Heehee....thanks  ;D



			
				HavokFour said:
			
		

> I've thought of a possible edition to your gear, a hip mounted bottle opener holster.



Like this?  ;D (even includes lanyard)


----------



## BadgerTrapper (7 Aug 2011)

"So go to the closest Surplus store.... and buy a lot of green shit"


Hmm, motto to live my life by right there Hammer...

On a side note, I'm sure most of you can relate to the following...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3G9r3k5pFs&feature=feedrec_grec_index


----------



## RememberanceDay (7 Aug 2011)

HAMMER!!! SPOOF THIS!! :rolf:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pzCF1K9spxg&NR=1

Hahaha, I can see it already!


----------



## RememberanceDay (9 Aug 2011)

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.


An employee approached his boss regarding a dispute on his pay-check…
Employee – Sir, this is $100 less than my salary.
Boss – I know. But last month, when you were overpaid $100, by mistake, you didn’t complain!
Employee – Well, I don’t mind an occasional mistake, sir, but it seems to be becoming a habit, now! 

A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , “Before you meet with God,  I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the  ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”

“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.


A man was being interviewed for a job. 

"Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer. 

"Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant. 

"Did you see any active duty?" 

"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability." 

"May I ask what happened?" 

"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both 
testicles." 

"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am." 

"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential 
treatment because of my disability." 

"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with 
you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit 
around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."



The Company Commander and the 1st Sgt, were in the field. 
As they hit the sack for the night, the 1SG said: "Sir, look up 
into the sky and tell me what you see." 

The CO said "I see millions of stars." 

1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?" 

CO: Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of 
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells 
me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. 
Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day 
tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?" 

1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."


----------



## Hammer Sandwich (9 Aug 2011)

RemembranceDay said:
			
		

> “About three minutes ago,” came the reply.



Now that's a good damn joke!!!!

 :rofl:


----------



## opp550 (9 Aug 2011)

If anyone has the time and/or doubts about the limits of human stupidity, browse here: http://notalwaysright.com/


----------



## vonGarvin (10 Aug 2011)

The minister  was  preoccupied with thoughts of how he  was going to  ask the congregation to come  up with more money  than they were  expecting for repairs to the church   building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find  that  the regular organist was sick and a  substitute had  been brought in at the last  minute. The substitute  wanted to know what  to play.  "Here's a copy of  the  service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll  have to think of something to play  after I make  the announcement about the  finances."
During  the service, the  minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters,  we are in great difficulty; the  roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected  and  we need $4,000 more. Any of you who  can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At  that moment, the substitute organist played "O Canada."


And that is how  the substitute became the regular organist!


----------



## OldSolduer (10 Aug 2011)

opp550 said:
			
		

> If anyone has the time and/or doubts about the limits of human stupidity, browse here: http://notalwaysright.com/


Concur....here's your sign.... :+1:


----------



## Loachman (14 Aug 2011)

http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6482338/50-ways-to-bore-irritate-or-confuse-a-man#432


----------



## Dissident (14 Aug 2011)

What is the difference between an oral and anal thermometer? 





The taste.


----------



## Sythen (14 Aug 2011)

http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/12337009/welcome-to-2-signals-squadron

Really funny video that could be applied to any unit


----------



## Dissident (14 Aug 2011)

Sythen said:
			
		

> http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/12337009/welcome-to-2-signals-squadron
> 
> Really funny video that could be applied to any unit



Funny, in parts. But I am not a big fan of whiners or victims.


----------



## Hammer Sandwich (16 Aug 2011)

*The Husband Store*

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. 
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! 
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! 

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

_*-Floor 1:*_  These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor,
where the sign reads:

*-Floor 2:* These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. 

The third floor sign reads: 
_*-Floor 3:*_ These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

_*-Floor 4:*_ These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework. 
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' 

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: 

_*-Floor 5:*_ These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. 
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:









_*-Floor 6:*_ _You are visitor #31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. _  

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



edit: punctuation


----------



## Retired AF Guy (16 Aug 2011)

*Top 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek*

10. *Noisy doors.*  You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing or screeching at you. My office building has automatic sliding doors. They're dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!" every time a person walked through them, about once a month some guy in accounting would snap and go on a shooting rampage. Sorry Scotty, the IEEE has revoked your membership until you learn to master WD-40

9. *The Federation.*  This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government that runs everything, and that has abolished money. A veritable planetary DMV. Oh sure, it looks like a cool place when you're rocketing around in a Federation Starship, but I wonder how the guy driving a Federation dump truck feels about it?

And everyone has to wear those spandex uniforms. Here's an important fact: Most people, you don't want to see them in spandex. You'd pay good money to not have to see them. If money hadn't been abolished, that is. So you're screwed.

8. *Reversing the Polarity.*  For cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity of everything! It might work once in a while, but usually it just screws things up. I have it on good authority that the technicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every time the Enterprise comes in for its 10,000 hour checkup, they've gotta go through the whole damned ship fixing stuff. "What happened to the toilet in Stateroom 3?" "Well, the plumbing backed up, and Giordi thought he could fix it by reversing the polarity."

Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned polarity reversing trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't just spontaneously explode whenever they put the juice to it.

7.* Seatbelts. * Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you'd think that the first time an explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly over the captain's head with a good 8 feet of clearance, someone would say, "You know, we might think of inventing some furutistic restraining device to prevent that from happening." So of course, they did make something like that for the second Enterprise (the first one blew up due to poor lubrication), but what was it? A hard plastic thing that's locked over your thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in the corners. "Hey look! The leg-bars worked as advertised! There goes Kirk's torso!"

6.* No fuses.*  Every time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the various stations and consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw their seatbelt-less operators over Picard's head. If we could get Giordi to stop reversing the polarity for a minute, we could get him to go shopping at the nearest Starship parts store and pick up a few fuses. And while he's shopping, he could stop at an intergalactic IKEA and pick up a few chairs for the bridge personnel. If you're going to put me in front of a fuseless exploding console all day, the least you could do is let me sit down.

5. *Rule by committee.*  Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best SF show on TV last year:

Star Trek:

Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"
Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"
Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this! And, it appears that you're a 'fraidy cat."
Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I should say something."
Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big Klingon warrior chubby."
Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on them first."
Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom and look pensive."

Firefly:

Captain: "Let's shoot them."
Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"
Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command."
Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"

4. *A Star Trek quiz:*  Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which one isn't coming back?

3.* Technobabble. * The other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved the problem by reversing the polarity of the car battery, and routing the power through my satellite dish. The resulting subspace plasma caused a rift in the space-time continuum, which created a quantum tunnelling effect that charged the protons in the engine core, thus starting my car. Child's play, really. As a happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice Channel for free.

2. *The Holodeck.*  I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegie the holodeck clean.

1. *The Prime Directive.* How stupid is this? Remember when Marvin the Martian was going to blow up the Earth, because it obstructed his view of Venus? And how Bugs Bunny stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q36 Space Modulator? Well, in the Star Trek universe, Bugs would be doing time. Probably in a room filled with Roseanne lookalikes wearing spandex uniforms, walking through doors going WHEET! all day. It would be hell. At least until the Kaboom. The Earth-shattering Kaboom.

 Link


----------



## Romanmaz (16 Aug 2011)

The classic "fake grenade tossed into a truck prank". Enjoy- http://youtu.be/GhedLgSVewA


----------



## vonGarvin (18 Aug 2011)




----------



## PMedMoe (20 Aug 2011)

Have you noticed how 50 girls you went to school with have set up shop as a "professional" photographer? Having a DSLR does not make you a professional photographer. We're outing these no talents with daily pictures from the worst of the web. We only post pictures that were from a photography "business," and we use that term lightly. Maybe you are one of those photographers. Have a good laugh at yourself. You submit the photos, and we provide the snark.

http://youarenotaphotographer.com/


----------



## 57Chevy (22 Aug 2011)

Facebook.....


----------



## Dissident (23 Aug 2011)

One of my troops made this:


----------



## CEEBEE501 (23 Aug 2011)




----------



## lethalLemon (23 Aug 2011)

Tactical Snuggie! Awesome!


----------



## RememberanceDay (23 Aug 2011)

lethalLemon said:
			
		

> Tactical Snuggie! Awesome!


Make one in CADPAT!


----------



## CEEBEE501 (24 Aug 2011)




----------



## RememberanceDay (24 Aug 2011)

CEEBEE501 said:
			
		

>


SWEET!!! Where can I get one?!


----------



## RememberanceDay (25 Aug 2011)

http://www.tasteofawesome.com/view/I+HEARD+THE+US+AIRFORCE/103769


Anyone seen this yet?!


----------



## lethalLemon (25 Aug 2011)

RemembranceDay said:
			
		

> http://www.tasteofawesome.com/view/I+HEARD+THE+US+AIRFORCE/103769
> 
> 
> Anyone seen this yet?!



Bahahaha excellent


----------



## PMedMoe (26 Aug 2011)

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.  

Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her handbag and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted bank clerk and without missing a beat she  says:

"Well, that's great....that's just great.......Some arsehole's got my pen!"     

 ;D


----------



## 211RadOp (26 Aug 2011)

A lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." 
The pharmacist asked "Why?" 
The lady replied "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist said "Lord have mercy! That's against the law! Absolutely not!" 
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."


----------



## Old Sweat (28 Aug 2011)

THE PORCH


              A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

             "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

              Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

              The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

              The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

              "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

              The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

              A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

              "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

              "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."  Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and 
handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

              "Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."


----------



## Rheostatic (28 Aug 2011)

CEEBEE501 said:
			
		

>


I know what I'm buying for Secret Santa.


----------



## Thompson_JM (29 Aug 2011)

NinerSix said:
			
		

> One of my troops made this:



This is just Freeking Awesome!  ;D


----------



## Rheostatic (29 Aug 2011)

Tommy said:
			
		

> This is just Freeking Awesome!  ;D


That infantryman bears a striking resemblance to someone I've had the pleasure of working with.


----------



## CEEBEE501 (2 Sep 2011)

Reddit got blocked on US Military computers this week


----------



## 211RadOp (4 Sep 2011)

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and being told that there was a fortune in horse racing , He decided to purchase one and enter him in the races, however at the local auction the going price for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had baught one he may as well enter him in the races. To his surprise the donkey came in third. The next day the race sheets carried the headline ...

....... Preachers ass shows....

The preacher was so pleased with his donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time it won...The next say the paper read...

........Preachers ass out in front.....

The bishop was so upset by this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in any more races.....The newspaper printed the headline....

.......Bishop scratches preachers ass.......

This was to much for the bishop so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent....The headline in the paper read...

.......Nun has best ass in town......

The bishop fainted, He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. She finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for ten dollars... The paper stated...

........Nun peddles ass for ten bucks...

.........They buried the bishop the next day.


----------



## RememberanceDay (5 Sep 2011)

1. A Private saying, "I learned this in Basic..." 

2. A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..." 

3. A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based upon my experience..." 

4. A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..." 

5. A Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this $#!+..." 






1. I am  in the military , I have a problem. This is the first step to 
recovery...

2. Speech:

•Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred, it is not 0530or 1400 it is 5:30 in the morning (AKA God-awful early).
•Words like deck, rack, and "PT" will get you weird looks; floor, bed, workout, get used to it.
•"F *ck" cannot be used to -replace whatever word you can't think of right now, try "um".
•Grunting is not talking.
•It's a phone, not a radio, conversations on a phone do not end in "out"
•People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you are coming from Camp Lejeune with the MWSS platoon or that you spent a deployment in the OCAC

3. Style:

•Do not put creases in your jeans.
•Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.
•A horseshoe cut looks dumb, not motivating.
•A high and tight looks really dumb as well.
•So does a low reg, but not as bad.
•A hat indoors does not make you a bad person, it makes you like the rest of the world.
•you do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.

4. Women:

•Air Force girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force girls.
•Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.
•Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense", it makes you a retard.

5. Personal accomplishments:

•In the real world, being able to do pushups will not make you good at your job.
•Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die.
•How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
•The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also not a personal accomplishment.

6. Drinking:

•In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention, not a "good for you"
•That time you drank a 5th of Jaeger and pissed in your closet is not a conversation starter.
•That time you went to the combat life saver school and practiced giving vodka iv's will also not be a good conversation starter

6. Bodily functions:

•Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as "unprofessional".
•The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled.
•You can't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is 
•VD will also not be funny

7. The human body:

•Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true.

8. Spending habits:

•One day, you will have to pay bills
•Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea.
•Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool.
•One day you will need health insurance

9. Interacting with civilians (AKA YOU):

•Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal.

10. Real jobs:

•They really can fire you.
•On the flip side you really can quit.
•Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too.
•Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
•Remember 9-5 not 0530 to 1800

11. The Law:

•Non-judicial punishment does not exist and will not save you from prison.
•Your workplace unlike your command can't save you and probably won't,in fact most likely you will fired about 5 minutes after they find out you've been arrested
•Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job
•Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won.

12. General knowledge:

•You can in fact really say what you think about the Primer in public.
•Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain.
•They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important then you are, be polite.
•Read the contracts before you sign them, remember what happened the first time.


----------



## Journeyman (7 Sep 2011)

RemembranceDay said:
			
		

> •Air Force girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force girls.


       :rofl:


----------



## TN2IC (8 Sep 2011)

> •Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true.



So doing the flying squirrel on my PLQ is fine... but is not ok on Civvy side? Gssh.


----------



## PMedMoe (9 Sep 2011)

A list of excuse notes written by parents (the sad thing is, these are real):  Spelling left intact.


1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels..

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She haddiahredyrea direathe the shits.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday.. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever,sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat , her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.


----------



## vonGarvin (9 Sep 2011)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> 6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.


Hey, John could have been in a pretty wicked fight!  ;D


----------



## PMedMoe (9 Sep 2011)

Too funny!


----------



## RememberanceDay (9 Sep 2011)

Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations

Friendly fire - isn't.
Recoilless rifles - aren't.
Suppressive fires - won't.

You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.

A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.

If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.

If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.

If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.

The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.

The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready. & when you're not. 

No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.

There is no such thing as a perfect plan.

Five second fuzes always burn three seconds.

There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.

The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.

The easy way is always mined.

Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.

Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.

When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.

If the enemy is within range, so are you.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.

Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.

Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.

Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.

Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.

Tracers work both ways.

If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take. 

When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.

Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.

Military Intelligence is a contradiction.

Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.

Weather ain't neutral.

If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.

Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.

'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.

The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.

Napalm is an area support weapon.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.

Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.

The one item you need is always in short supply.

Interchangeable parts aren't.

It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.

When in doubt, empty your magazine.

The side with the simplest uniforms wins.

Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.

If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together.

Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.

The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.

If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them.

Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

Well .. It could be worse: It could be raining .. and we could be out in it.

So he said, "Cheer up: it could be worse!" So we cheered up. And it got worse.

The side with the simplest uniform wins...

The spare batteries for the PRC-whatever your troops have been carrying are either nearly dead or for the wrong radio.

The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches above the flexmount, while a fire mission was being called in on a battalion of hostiles who know your position.

Why is it the CO sticks his head in your radio hooch to see if anything has come down from DIV when you are listening to the VOA broadcasting the baseball games?

How come you are on one frequency when everyone else is on another?

Why does your 500-watt VRC-26 (real old) not make it across 200 miles while a ham with 50 watts on the same MARS frequency can be heard from Stateside?

Know why short RTOs have long whips on their radios? So someone can find them when they step in deep water.

The enemy "Always" times his attack, to the second you drop your pant's in the Latrine!! 

The ammo you need "NOW"!! is on the "Next" airdrop!!

Inclement weather always begins AFTER you've already done PT. 

A sudden downpour always occurs at the end of a summer field exercise--just in time coat all your equipment and camouflage with mud. 

The best beach weather always occurs when you are in the field wearing MOPP 4. 

There is no such thing as a blue sky during a company picnic. 

There is no such thing as a cloudy sky when your unit needs to infiltrate enemy territory. 

Road conditions are always red when it's time to convoy home. 

Motor pools are always 20 degrees warmer than the rest of the post during the summer and 50 degrees colder in the winter. 

Army training areas exist in a constant state of weather flux controlled by a deity with a truly cruel sense of humor--How do you think we got them so cheap? 

The peak of Mt. Everest would flood if an Army unit was told to set up on it. 

Hell really would freeze over if someone decided to conduct an exercise there. 

The Port-a-Potty Postulate states that the likelihood of a hurricane, sandstorm, tsunami, or blizzard occurring immediately over your location is directly related to how bad you need to get to the portajohns at the other side of the campsite in the middle of the night. 

The temperature always rises to 70 degrees AFTER you put on two layers of polypros, your bear suit, and all of your Gortex. 

If you whine about the weather, someone else will always whine louder. 

No matter how carefully you pack, a rucksack is always too small.

No matter how small, a rucksack is always too heavy.

No matter how heavy, a rucksack will never contain what you want.

No matter what you need, it's always at the bottom.

Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.

LEAST CREDIBLE SENTANCES-

The check is in the mail.

The trucks will be on the drop zone.

Of course I'll respect you in the morning.

 I'm from the government and I'm here to help you.

If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.


Law of Supply:You get the most of what you need the least.

There is no limit to how bad things can get.


----------



## PMedMoe (15 Sep 2011)

Doctor at a health conference asked the audience, "Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of silence, a 70-year-old man sitting in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding cake.”

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

One Sunday morning, the Devil himself rampages into a small country church, and sends the parishoners and pastor fleeing for the hills. Except for one old man on the front pew.

The Devil comes over to him and says, "Do you KNOW who I AM!"

The old man replies, "Yep"

"You realize I could drag you down to an eternity of fiery torment RIGHT NOW!?"

"Yep"

"And you aren't scared of ME?!"

"Nope"

"...Why not??..."

"Been married to yer sister for 58 years"


----------



## vonGarvin (15 Sep 2011)

A psychiatrist conducted a group therapy session with four mothers. "You all have obsessions,". To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating and even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money and named your child Penny." He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and you named your child Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving...


----------



## Journeyman (15 Sep 2011)

RemembranceDay said:
			
		

> Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations
> 
> Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.


That's not a law of combat; it is, however, a law of redheads.   :nod:


----------



## GAP (26 Sep 2011)

Student:

Professor, how long should our answers be for the short answer section?


Professor

Hmmm....Approximately the length of woman's skirt....I'd say..

Student:

Huh?


Professor:

Long enough to cover the subject, but short enough to keep it interesting....


----------



## PMedMoe (26 Sep 2011)




----------



## GAP (27 Sep 2011)

.


----------



## GAP (27 Sep 2011)

.


----------



## GnyHwy (27 Sep 2011)

1


----------



## vonGarvin (27 Sep 2011)

It works!


----------



## vonGarvin (27 Sep 2011)

I just finished making a time machine.  I'm going to go back in time five minutes to see if it works.  Wish me luck!


----------



## Journeyman (27 Sep 2011)

Technoviking said:
			
		

> It works!


Viagra?  The "does this smell like chloroform" pick-up line?  The priest costume?   :-\


----------



## PMedMoe (27 Sep 2011)

Journeyman said:
			
		

> Viagra?  The "does this smell like chloroform" pick-up line?  The priest costume?   :-\



Should have waited a few minutes......


 :rofl:


----------



## OldSolduer (27 Sep 2011)

Technoviking said:
			
		

> I just finished making a time machine.  I'm going to go back in time five minutes to see if it works.  Wish me luck!




And I thought I was nuts.....I've been bested. *sigh*


----------



## 211RadOp (27 Sep 2011)

Quite possible for some people.


----------



## PMedMoe (29 Sep 2011)

Raisin Bread

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store.  Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.  "I'd like some raisin bread please!", the man says.

The shop assistant climbs up the ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.  The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.  When she descends the ladder, he decides that he would really like two loaves.

After she retrieves the second loaf of bread and descends the ladder, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"  Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.  Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."


----------



## observor 69 (29 Sep 2011)

Giant Rick Perry Chia head for sale.  ;D    


http://blog.chron.com/rickperry/2011/09/giant-rick-perry-chia-head-for-sale/#loopBegin


----------



## PMedMoe (30 Sep 2011)




----------



## PMedMoe (1 Oct 2011)

GPS system online

 ;D


----------



## RememberanceDay (1 Oct 2011)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> GPS system online
> 
> ;D


Love it!


----------



## Retired AF Guy (2 Oct 2011)

As they say, a picture is worth a thousand words!


----------



## PMedMoe (2 Oct 2011)

Some old clips:

http://videos2view.net/conway-carson.htm

http://videos2view.net/oklahoma.htm  <------ Back when you could drink and smoke on TV.   

http://videos2view.net/burnett-conway.htm


----------



## medicineman (2 Oct 2011)

Retired AF Guy said:
			
		

> As they say, a picture is worth a thousand words!



I wonder where the mommy is…


----------



## Fishbone Jones (2 Oct 2011)

SENSITIVITY TRAINING

The  room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The  class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the  women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give  the necessary help and assurance to their partners at  this stage of the pregnancy.

She said,   "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking  is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic  muscles and will make delivery that much easier.   Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay  on a soft surface like grass or a path."

She  looked at the men in the room, "Gentlemen, remember --  you're in this together.  It wouldn't hurt you to  go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience  would be good for you both."

The room suddenly  got very quiet as the men absorbed this  information.

After a few moments, a man named  Gary at the back of the  room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes," said the  Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be  all right if she carries a golf bag while we  walk?"

This kind of sensitivity just can't be  taught.


----------



## GAP (2 Oct 2011)

Well......that strengthens her back muscles also.....no?


----------



## RememberanceDay (2 Oct 2011)

recceguy said:
			
		

> "I was just wondering if it would be  all right if she carries a golf bag while we  walk?"


Slap-worthy.


----------



## vonGarvin (2 Oct 2011)

RemembranceDay said:
			
		

> Slap-worthy.



Theres a laugh right there: spousal abuse.


----------



## RememberanceDay (2 Oct 2011)

Technoviking said:
			
		

> Theres a laugh right there: spousal abuse.


 Exactly


----------



## Fishbone Jones (3 Oct 2011)

RemembranceDay said:
			
		

> Slap-worthy.



With a glove? Like a challenge?


----------



## GnyHwy (3 Oct 2011)

All I can think about is the movie Head of State with Bernie Mac.  Very funny scene.  Slapping at its best.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OFaaVrqxqTc


----------



## PMedMoe (5 Oct 2011)

Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.  Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth.  Frogs are good bass bait. 

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. 

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.  So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.  His eyes rolled back, he went limp.  I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog. 

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. 

It was that snake, with two more frogs.


----------



## PMedMoe (5 Oct 2011)

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.  Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill!

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.  Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark, you put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."  After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

 ;D


----------



## Diamondwillow (5 Oct 2011)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".
> 
> ;D



HAHAHAH!!! Thank you for that laugh!  :rofl: :rofl:


----------



## PMedMoe (5 Oct 2011)

Diamondwillow said:
			
		

> HAHAHAH!!! Thank you for that laugh!  :rofl: :rofl:



Even better, I got that email from a 70+ year old male.


----------



## GAP (7 Oct 2011)

I’m Under Arrest for What? Fifty Bizarre U.S. Laws
By: Annie Tucker Morgan 
Article Link

I’ve never claimed to have extensive knowledge of U.S. legislation throughout history, but it’s safe to say that I and most people I associate with are law-abiding citizens … or not. As it turns out, every state in this country has at least one wacky legal stipulation that could land residents in hot water if they don’t comply. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Alabama
It’s illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.

Alaska
Whispering in someone’s ear while he’s moose hunting is prohibited.

Arizona
Cutting down a cactus may earn you a twenty-five-year prison term.

Arkansas
It’s illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas.

California
You may not eat an orange in your bathtub.

Colorado
It’s unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor (Denver).

Connecticut
A pickle cannot actually be a pickle unless it bounces.

Delaware
It’s illegal to get married on a dare.

Washington, D.C.
It’s against the law to post a public notice calling someone a coward for refusing to accept a challenge to duel.

Florida
If you tie an elephant to a parking meter, you must pay the same parking fee as you would for a vehicle.

Georgia
It’s illegal to change the clothes on a storefront mannequin unless you draw the shades first.

Hawaii
All residents may be fined for not owning a boat.

Idaho
A man must not give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing fewer than fifty pounds.

Illinois
It’s illegal to take a French poodle to the opera (Chicago).

Indiana
The value of pi is 4, and not 3.1415

Kansas
It’s illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits (Natoma).

Kentucky
Every citizen is required to take a shower once a year.

Louisiana
Biting someone with your natural teeth constitutes simple assault, but biting someone with your false teeth classifies as aggravated assault.

Maine
If you keep your Christmas decorations on display after January 14, you’ll be fined.

Maryland
It’s against the law to wash or scrub a sink, no matter how dirty it is (Baltimore).

Massachusetts
No gorilla is allowed in the backseat of any car.

Michigan
A woman may not cut her own hair without her husband’s permission.

Minnesota
It’s illegal to paint a sparrow with the intent of selling it as a parakeet (Harper Woods).

Mississippi
Walking a dog without dressing it in diapers is forbidden (Temperance).

Missouri
Children may buy shotguns in Kansas City, but not toy cap guns.

Montana
It’s a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail.

Nebraska
Bar owners may not sell beer unless they brew a kettle of soup simultaneously.

Nevada
It’s illegal for men with mustaches to kiss women.

New Hampshire
It’s forbidden to sell the clothes you’re wearing to pay off a gambling debt.

New Jersey
It’s against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.

New Mexico
Females may not appear unshaven in public.

New York
While riding in an elevator, you must talk to no one, fold your hands, and look toward the door.

North Carolina
It’s against the law to sing off-key.

North Dakota
It’s illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.

Ohio
You must honk the horn whenever you pass another car, according to the state’s driver’s education manual.

Oklahoma
It’s forbidden to take a bite out of another person’s hamburger.

Oregon
State law requires dishes to be drip-dried.

Pennsylvania
It’s illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors.

Rhode Island
You may not bite off another person’s leg.

South Carolina
If a man promises to marry an unmarried woman, he is required by law to keep his promise.

South Dakota
It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.

Tennessee
Selling hollow logs is strictly forbidden.

Texas
You may not shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.

Utah
It is illegal not to drink milk.

ermont
Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

Virginia
Tickling a woman is unlawful.

Washington
It’s illegal to pretend that one’s parents are wealthy.

West Virginia
If you make fun of someone who does not accept a challenge, you risk a six-month prison sentence.

Wisconsin
Unless a customer specifically requests it, margarine may not be substituted for butter in a restaurant.

Wyoming
Unless you have an official permit, you may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April.
end


----------



## observor 69 (7 Oct 2011)

Subject: Navy SEAL Quote of the Week


The Strong Silent Type!

Dana Perrino ( Fox News) describing an interview she recently had with a Navy SEAL. After discussing all the countries he had been sent to, she asked if they had to learn several languages?


His reply:

"Oh no ma'am, we don't go there to talk."

http://www.sodahead.com/united-states/navy-seal-quote-of-the-week-love-it-or-hate-it/question-2173621/


----------



## PMedMoe (11 Oct 2011)

Survey says: these vacation complaints are ridiculous

(From an actual survey by the UK's Thomas Cook Holidays and the Association of British Travel Agents)

1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all." 

2. "My fiance and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

3. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

5. "A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel 'inadequate.' " 

6. "The beach was too sandy." 

7. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white." 

8. "We bought Ray-Ban sunglasses for five Euros (about $3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake." 

9. "No one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled." 

10. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It only took the Americans three hours to get home."

11. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller." 

12. "I was bitten by a mosquito -- no-one said they could bite."


Some people should just stay home......    :


----------



## FlyingDutchman (11 Oct 2011)

Please note I am of Dutch ancestry.
Me: I crave the food of my ancestors!
Wife: Tacos?


----------



## Bluebulldog (11 Oct 2011)

DEAD COW LECTURE 
First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy
class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table
with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine
it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first
is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body".


For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the
******* of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on
it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "the
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's
tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.."


----------



## RememberanceDay (11 Oct 2011)

Bluebulldog said:
			
		

> DEAD COW LECTURE
> First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy
> class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table
> with the body covered with a white sheet.
> ...



I LOVE IT!!!!


----------



## Hammer Sandwich (12 Oct 2011)

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. 

FOR EXAMPLE: 

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.' 

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!' 

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... 

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.' 

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?' 

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. 

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.' 

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. 

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.' 

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, '*No honey, I don't feel like it*.' 

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?' 

I then said, '*Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman*.' 

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?' 


 :dunno:


----------



## GAP (12 Oct 2011)

Video: Family lost in corn maze calls 911
AP Video
Published Wednesday, Oct. 12, 2011 12:33PM EDT
Article Link

A Massachusetts couple with two young kids has trouble navigating through a corn maze, so they call 911 for help. It took a police officer and his K-9 about 10 minutes to find them in Danvers, Mass. spread.
end


----------



## SARgirl (14 Oct 2011)

> Miss USA 2011 — Should Math Be Taught In Schools?



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9QBv2CFTSWU


----------



## GAP (14 Oct 2011)

I've now experienced seeing a multitude of vacuums ................


----------



## FlyingDutchman (15 Oct 2011)

SARgirl said:
			
		

> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9QBv2CFTSWU


Ow, my brain.


----------



## PMedMoe (15 Oct 2011)

PENSION SEX

Two men were talking.  'So, how's your sex life?' 
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.' 
'Pension sex?'   
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!' 
          
 LOUD SEX   

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem, doctor.  Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.'
'My dear,' the  shrink said, 'that's completely natural.  I don't see what the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!' 

QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, 'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!' 
  
SEX & ARGUMENTS

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary  The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'

'Yeah,' she  replied, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
  
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.'

He was right.  When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in. 

ELDERLY SEX
  
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor.  I figured that at 92, if he could have sex, he could also fly.'


----------



## PMedMoe (15 Oct 2011)

And the hits just keep on coming.......

Comments made by State Troopers taken off their car videos:


1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."


2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.  They'll stretch after you wear them a while."


3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."


4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."


5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?  Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."


6. "You don't know how fast you were going?  I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"


7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.  Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"


8. "Warning! You want a warning?  O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."


9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.  Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"


10. "Fair? You want me to be fair?  Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."


11. "Yeah, we have a quota.  Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."


12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."


13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"


14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore.  We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."


15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours.  So you know someone who can post your bail."


16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?  You're right, we don't.  Sign here."


----------



## jollyjacktar (15 Oct 2011)

Hammer Sandwich, looks like you have some competition in the cbt satire field.  At least they know they are trying to be over the top.   Unlike your moron.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ES9QxE3sUaw&NR=1


----------



## jollyjacktar (15 Oct 2011)

Iron Man dancing in a park.  Pretty good moves I must say.  http://www.jokeroo.com/videos/funny/iron-man-dance.html


----------



## Dissident (16 Oct 2011)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FrAIFP2pfew


----------



## PMedMoe (16 Oct 2011)

The Mississippi Squirrel Revival


----------



## GAP (17 Oct 2011)

Oxymorons 
Aug 30, '11

20. Government Organization 

19. Alone Together 

18. Personal Computer 

17. Silent Scream 

16. Living Dead 

15. Small Crowd 

14. Taped Live 

13. Plastic Glasses 

12. Tight Slacks 

11. Peace Force 

10. Pretty Ugly 

9. Head But 

8. Working Vacation 

7. Tax Return 

6. Virtual Reality 

5. Dodge Ram 

4. Work Party 

3. Hard Water 

2. Healthy Tan 

1. Microsoft Works


----------



## Hammer Sandwich (18 Oct 2011)

jollyjacktar said:
			
		

> Hammer Sandwich, looks like you have some competition in the cbt satire field.  At least they know they are trying to be over the top.   Unlike your moron.
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ES9QxE3sUaw&NR=1



 :rofl: That was friggin' hilarious! That dude is MEGA-tactical, no doubt about it!


----------



## PMedMoe (18 Oct 2011)

McGuinty's Chauffeur

Dalton McGuinty was touring the countryside in his chauffeur-driven limo.  Suddenly, a donkey jumps out onto the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

McGuinty says to the chauffeur: "You get out and check, you were driving."  The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

"You were driving; go and tell the farmer," says McGuinty.

Hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

"My god, what happened to you?" asks McGuinty.

The chauffeur replies: "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of whiskey, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say to them?" asks McGuinty.

"I knocked on the door, and when they answered, I said to them, 'I'm Dalton McGuinty's chauffeur and I've just killed the jackass'."


----------



## jollyjacktar (18 Oct 2011)

From Jerry Springer.  I'm happy I cut off my legs...  Call me sick, but I was laughing at some of it.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=DA43DS2c12c


----------



## Rifleman62 (19 Oct 2011)

A newfie was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. 

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds. "

When the newfie returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs! 

"Why, that's amazing", the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The newfie nodded. "I'll tell you though, be jaesuz, I taut I were going to drop dead on dat 'tird day.." 

"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. 

"No, from the fuckin' skippin'. "


----------



## AC 011 (19 Oct 2011)

He's back with another spoken word album...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKo4FMzt_hM

Indescribable.


----------



## GAP (20 Oct 2011)

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. On of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times. Soloman, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, the threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would turture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In medevil time most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and versus and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interes in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest write of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is only famous because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tried to convince Macbeth to kill the Kind by attack his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal for them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse devided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest president. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Graity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. The the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplary of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.

The following above is a "history" collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot of incorrect information.


----------



## PMedMoe (20 Oct 2011)




----------



## FlyingDutchman (20 Oct 2011)

Only three? Tsk tsk, people lack imagination these days.


----------



## GAP (21 Oct 2011)

Suicide Incentives

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Let's see now... No Jesus, No Christmas, No television, No cheerleaders, No Nude Women, No car races, No football, No soccer, No pork BBQ, No hot dogs, No burgers, No chocolate chip cookies, No lobster, No nachos, No Beer nuts, No Beer !!!!!!!! Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower. On your knees facing east most of the day. More than one wife. You can't shave. Your wives can't shave. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung. Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey, and is uglier than your goat. Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

I mean, really, is there a mystery here?

British Suicide Bombers on Strike!

Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda Central announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25%, from 72 to only 54, effective immediately. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and the subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife, coupled with other factors contributing to a decline in the virgin supply. The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Mustapha Fook told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in our teeth."

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace and a difficult economy. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife, which is not helped by the downturn in the economy which is driving virgins to cash in their chastity. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting compensation, but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle, Middlesborough, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in our areas anyway."

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has also been attributed to the emergence and popularity of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are less keen on rushing to paradise.


----------



## jollyjacktar (21 Oct 2011)

:rofl:  Excellent!


----------



## Rifleman62 (24 Oct 2011)

Drinking and Driving In newfoundland

Two Newfies, Bob and Gary, were driving down the road drinking a couple of beers.
The passenger, Gary, suddenly said, 'Lord tundering.... up ahead -- it's a police 
roadblock!! We're gonna get busted for drinkin' dese here beers!!' 

'Don't worry,' Bob said. 'We'll just pull over and finish dese beers, then peel off the label, stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.'

'What fer?'

'Jist let me do de talkin', OK?'

So they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight and put a label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the police officer took a long look at the two of them and said, 'You boys been drinkin'?'

'No sir,' said Bob, pointing at the labels.

'We're on the patch.'


----------



## PMedMoe (25 Oct 2011)

Tequila

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?" 

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus." 

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?" 

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules." 

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar. 

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it." 

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands." 

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem." 

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!" 

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is." 

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!" 

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.  Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds! 
            
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.  Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence! 

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.  His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.  He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"


----------



## GAP (26 Oct 2011)

Zimbabwean man claims prostitute turned to donkey
Article Link
26 Oct 2011

A Zimbabwean man has told a court that he hired a prostitute who during the night transformed into a donkey, and that he is now "seriously in love" with the animal, according to state media.

"I think I am also a donkey. I do not know what happened when I left the bar, but I am seriously in love with (the) donkey," Sunday Moyo told the court, according to The Herald newspaper.

Moyo, 28, was arrested in the town of Zvishavane, about 185 miles south of the capital Harare on Sunday.

He said he had paid $25 for a prostitute, and was surprised Sunday morning when he heard people accusing him of having sex with a donkey.

Moyo has been charged with bestiality and remanded in custody. The court has ordered him to undergo a mental examination, The Herald said. 
end


----------



## vonGarvin (26 Oct 2011)

GAP said:
			
		

> Zimbabwean man claims prostitute turned to donkey
> Article Link
> 26 Oct 2011
> 
> ...


Makes as much sense to me as men who think they are women (and vice versa)


----------



## Retired AF Guy (26 Oct 2011)

PMedMoe and Rifleman62 - thank you for enlivening my evening! Hilarious!


----------



## Retired AF Guy (26 Oct 2011)

A long time ago, in a place far, far away; things started to go to hell:


----------



## Rifleman62 (28 Oct 2011)

How Dumb Is This?

The Muslims are not happy!
They're not happy in Gaza ..
They're not happy in Egypt ..
They're not happy in Libya ..
They're not happy in Morocco ..
They're not happy in Iran ..
They're not happy in Iraq ..
They're not happy in Yemen ..
They're not happy in Afghanistan ..
They're not happy in Pakistan ..
They're not happy in Syria ..
They're not happy in Lebanon ..

So, where are they happy?
They're happy in Australia ..
They're happy in England ..
They're happy in France ..
They're happy in Italy ..
They're happy in Germany ..
They're happy in Sweden ..
They're happy in the USA ..
They're happy in Norway ..
They're happy in every country that is not Muslim.

And who do they blame?
Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.

THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!
And they want to change them to be like the country they came from. How dumb can you get?


----------



## Gasplug (28 Oct 2011)

An old Marine Pilot sat down at a Starbucks, wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket. He ordered a cup of coffee. 

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?' 

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Steadman's, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you? 

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.' 

The two sat sipping in silence. 

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?" 

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Gasplug


----------



## Hammer Sandwich (28 Oct 2011)

Rifleman62 said:
			
		

> How Dumb Is This?



Call it a "hate crime", but I appreciate the humour and irony in this.


----------



## Retired AF Guy (31 Oct 2011)

A Halloween Treat:


----------



## Rifleman62 (1 Nov 2011)

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little
5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you 
believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift 
of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a 
Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in 
all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day 
observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough,"  
adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with 
her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and 
gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay 
envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her 
mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received 
to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally 
impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own 
pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I 
worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house 
next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on 
the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever 
deliver the damn sheet rock."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?


----------



## Rifleman62 (3 Nov 2011)

While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. 

And then He made the earth round.


----------



## GAP (3 Nov 2011)

A marine was deployed to Afghanistan. while he was there, he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the 

letter, she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone, and she wanted to break up with 

him. She also wanted the pictures of herself back.So the marine did what any other man would do. He went around to his 

buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 24 pictures of women (with 

clothes and without) to his ex-girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your 

picture and send the rest back"


----------



## krustyrl (3 Nov 2011)

touche     :evil:


----------



## 57Chevy (5 Nov 2011)

LOL

Newsroom: Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9U4Ha9HQvMo&feature=related

* language warning


----------



## Cardstonkid (8 Nov 2011)

The Canadian Forces recently hired several cannibals.

"You are all part of our team now", said the career manager, during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the mess for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the soldiers".

The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their colonel remarked " You are working very hard, and I am very satisfied with you, however, one of our techs has disappeared, do you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the Colonel had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the tech?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader shouted," You fool..! For four weeks we've been eating officers and no one has noticed, but noooooo..., you had to go and eat someone important!"


----------



## PMedMoe (9 Nov 2011)

Perhaps not intentionally meant to be funny, but I found these descriptions of winter drivers in The Globe and Mail's "Road Sage.

Article Link

Road Sage Winter Driving Dictionary

All Season:
This driver is as constant as the Northern Star. He drives the same (badly) in all weather conditions and he has the all-season tires to prove it. You are most likely to spot this driver sliding toward you across two lanes atop a few inches of snow covering a layer of ice. 

Braker Braker:
Oh my god! Is that a car behind me? I BETTER SLAM ON THE BRAKES! Is there a tiny bit of snow falling? I BETTER SLAM ON MY BRAKES! Is it sunny? SLAM ON THE BRAKES! Nothing bad can happen as long as I SLAM ON THE BRAKES! 

The Expert:
“I don't worry about winter driving. I know how to drive in winter. If you know how to drive it's okay to go 80 km/h in a 40 km/h zone during a blizzard. No, I never went to skid school or trained but I've watched tons of winter driving videos on YouTube. Who has time to learn how to drive in the winter? I'm too busy driving in winter.” 

Greenhouse Effect:
You know what's super confusing? The defrost system of an automobile. Just how precisely do they work? I mean, the button says “defrost” and also has a picture symbolizing the act of defrosting but what does that really mean? The Greenhouse Effect is easy to locate – just look for an automobile that has windows so fogged up with icy humidity that the motorist operating it is effectively blind. Generally the driver is peering through a small hole the size of a snowball. 

The Igloo:
While the rest of us wrestle with scrapers and brushes, the Igloo driver deals with a snowfall by running a gloved hand across his windshield – then He's good to go. These rolling DQ ice cream cakes can be found in every town and city. They have zero visibility but don't worry the snow and ice eventually melts off – around May. 

Pride and Prejudice and 4-Wheel Drive:
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good 4WD vehicle must believe that he has better stopping power than other drivers. However false this feeling – 4WD only provides better traction to accelerate to high speeds. They can't stop any faster than two-wheeled vehicles – such men can be seen in every neighbourhood ripping down streets and crashing into stop signs or flying into highway ditches. 

The Great Unwashed:
Just as men of a certain age are afraid to go out in the cold with wet hair, this driver is afraid to have his car washed during the winter. He is also loath to keep a spare jug of washer fluid in the trunk. The result? Dusty Beyond-Thunder-Dome vision-impaired cars that look as if they have been spray-painted with a combination of cat litter and glue. 

Wiper Disciple:
A strange breed, the Wiper Disciple believes that any and all winter-related obstacles can be dealt with by turning on your windshield wipers. Facing a snow storm? Turn on wipers. Blizzard and freezing rain? Turn on wipers really fast. Black ice? Turn on wipers and two squirts of washer fluid. Can usually be found staring, mesmerized at their windshield wipers as they rock hypnotically back and forth. 
___________________________________________________________________________________

I see the Braker Brakers all the time on dry pavement.  Drives me nuts.  Maybe they should get their brakes checked if they don't trust them.

Edit to add:  Some good ones also in the comment section to this article.


----------



## jollyjacktar (9 Nov 2011)

Troops ( Bad boys) Stormtrooper cops    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqF_CVQ_U_I&feature=related   

Been years since I saw this one.  It's still good for a laugh.  Enjoy  ;D


----------



## GAP (15 Nov 2011)

*New Immigration Policy*

To save the economy, on January 1, 2012, Prime Minister Harper will announce that he is ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Canada Pension, Old Age Security, and Medical costs. 
   

They found that old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home! 

  

I started crying when I thought of you.





(See you on the bus)


----------



## Cardstonkid (15 Nov 2011)

Frank goes to work and gingerly sits down in his cubical. His co-worker Ken asks, "What's wrong?" 

Franks replied " I don't want to talk about it"

Ken asks, "why are you limping and why do you have a black eye? Did you get mugged?"

"All right then, I will tell you, but don't ell anyone, its embarrassing." Frank said. "You know I sing in my church choir right?"

"Yes" Ken says.

"Well I sit behind this big woman, and she has a huge butt. Well you know how it is sometimes when a big woman stands up and her dress gets stuck in her butt cheeks? 

"Sure" Ken replied.

"Well the big girl stood up and her dress was all in her butt,  I felt bad for her and I reached up and pulled it out , so she wouldn't be embarrassed."

"You didn't!" Ken exclaimed.

"I did, and she laid a beating on me I will never forget. I think she broke my ribs, bruised my tailbone and  broke my nose!" 

"I guess you will know to never to do that again eh Frank?" Ken said.


A month later Ken cam to work with an arm in a cast, a patch over an eye and two black eyes. 

Ken upon seeing this said, "Oh my god, what happened? Did you total your car?"

"I don't want to talk about it" Frank moaned. 

"You didn't do what I think you did, did you?" Ken asked.

"No, it's even worse! The big choir woman stood up and her dress was all caught up in her butt again. The guy next to me saw it, and he reached up and pulled it out. I remembered how much she hated that, so I pushed it right back up again!"


----------



## GAP (16 Nov 2011)

And They Say Canadians Don't Brag.....
  
So, what do we Canadians have to be Proud of?
1. Smarties (not sold in the USA)
2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp
(not sold in the USA)
3. The size of our footballs fields, one less
down, and bigger balls.
4. Baseball is Canadian - 1st game
June 4, 1838 - Ingersoll, ON
5. Lacrosse is Canadian
6. Hockey is Canadian
7. Basketball is Canadian
8. Apple pie is Canadian
9. Mr. Dress-up beats Mr. Rogers
10. Tim Hortons beats Dunkin' Donuts
11. In the war of 1812, started by America , Canadians pushed the Americans back past
their White House. Then we burned it, and
most of Washington ...
We got bored because they ran away.
Then, we came home and partied....
Go figure.
12. Canada has the largest French population
that never surrendered to Germany.
13. We have the largest English population
that never surrendered or withdrew
during any war to anyone, anywhere. EVER!
(We got clobbered in the odd battle but
prevailed in ALL the wars)
14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and
lasted a little over an hour.
15. The only person who was arrested in our
civil war was an American mercenary who
slept in and missed the whole thing.
He showed up just in time to get caught.
16. A Canadian invented Standard Time.
17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned
Over 10% of the earth's surface and is still
around as the world's oldest company.
18. The average dog sled team can kill and
devour a human in under 3 minutes.
(More information than we need!)
19. We know what to do with the parts
of a buffalo.
20. We don't marry our kin-folk...
21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, Velcro,
zippers, insulin, penicillin and the telephone.
And short wave radios which save countless
lives each year.
22. We have ALL frozen our tongues to
something metal and lived to tell about it.
23. A Canadian invented Superman.
24. We have coloured money.
25. Our beer advertisements kick ass
... as does our beer.
AND MOST IMPORTANT ....
The handles on our beer cases are big enough for hands with mitts on.
Oh..... Canada!
Oh yeah... and our elections only take one day!


----------



## J.J (16 Nov 2011)

Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. 
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!" 
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?" 
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!" 

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. 

 The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" 

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says... 

Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!" 


Moral of this story... 

                              
Don't mess with the old dogs.... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! 
Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience


----------



## observor 69 (16 Nov 2011)

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination  
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large  pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists 

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What are steroids 
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs              (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery               (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow                                  (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..                (wtf!)                                                   

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control 
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium            (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.               (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness 
A. When you are sick at the airport.           (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.            (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight   (brilliant) 

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head


----------



## PMedMoe (16 Nov 2011)

From a friend on FB.  It takes a Canadian to help Americans have a safer Thanksgiving.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYkRF_FmD40&feature=share


----------



## Rifleman62 (18 Nov 2011)

*Police Officer in the UK *

Question:

How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?
Answer:

First — let's pose the following question:

- You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night.
- Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you.
- You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.
- What do you do?

*BRITISH POLICE OFFICER:*

Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
4) Am I dressed provocatively?
5) Could I run away?
6) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
7) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?
8) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
9) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? .
13) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home? 

*AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER: *

BANG!

*AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER:*

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!   'click' . . .

(Sergeant arrives at scene later and remarks: 'Nice grouping!').


----------



## GnyHwy (18 Nov 2011)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> From a friend on FB.  It takes a Canadian to help Americans have a safer Thanksgiving.
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYkRF_FmD40&feature=share



Another turkey themed funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xc5wIpUenQ&ob=av3e

These guys are from Quebec and have some great youtube vids.  All their vids are food based.  Either follow this link or type "epic meal time" into youtube.

FYI, I'm making this sucker someday.  I'll put this in the manly thread too.


----------



## PMedMoe (19 Nov 2011)

GnyHwy said:
			
		

> FYI, I'm making this sucker someday.  I'll put this in the manly thread too.



One of these days, I'm going to hit New Orleans (again) at Thanksgiving or Christmas/New Year's and have turducken.   :nod:  Bacon would just improve that.   ;D


----------



## TN2IC (19 Nov 2011)

I Just F****** Shot Myself - The Musical


----------



## jollyjacktar (19 Nov 2011)

:rofl:  Gotta love Tex!


----------



## Rifleman62 (19 Nov 2011)

THE OLDER WOMAN 

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. 

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double. 

'What's that?' I asked. 

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. 

I said, 'No,' - excitedly. 

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'. 

I went back to her place. 

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'


----------



## Tuna (20 Nov 2011)

I stole some of these for future use  >, i didn't read through the whole thing but here is one (if you don't have it)


----------



## PMedMoe (21 Nov 2011)

Places I have and have not been


I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.


----------



## A.Bottoms (22 Nov 2011)

Big Beef said:
			
		

>



i thought you weren't allowed any facial hair in the forces?


----------



## Occam (22 Nov 2011)

A.Bottoms said:
			
		

> i thought you weren't allowed any facial hair in the forces?



Where did you get that idea?


----------



## dangerboy (22 Nov 2011)

Just to end this tangent and get back to the jokes.

From the dress manual:

Subject to procedures established
by commanders of commands,
permission to wear a beard shall
only be granted to all ranks who
wear the naval uniform, wherever
serving; all ranks on strength of an
infantry pioneer platoon; adherents
of the Sikh religion (see Section 3);
and personnel, on the direction of a
medical officer, subject to medical
reassessment at intervals not
exceeding six months. Other
personnel shall shave off their
beards.

Now lets get back to the jokes


----------



## Loachman (22 Nov 2011)

Moustaches and eyebrows are alright too.


----------



## vonGarvin (22 Nov 2011)

Loachman said:
			
		

> Moustaches and eyebrows are alright too.


They are?  Damn...too late!!!!


----------



## FlyingDutchman (22 Nov 2011)

You know, there was always something odd about Lassie to me...


----------



## Tuna (22 Nov 2011)




----------



## Tuna (22 Nov 2011)

sorry for making 2 posts


----------



## Canadian.Trucker (22 Nov 2011)

Imagine that guy on the phone, "Sgt Maj. you'll never guess what Jenkins did this time"

STUD ROOSTER
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,  "OK old fart,Time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" 

The young rooster says, "Beat it, You are washed up And I am taking over."  

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."  

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."  

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.  They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.  He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!  The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.  The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit..... . Third gay rooster I bought this month."  

Moral of this Story? ....  
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - 
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery  
Always overcome youth and arrogance!  
OLD  DUDES RULE


----------



## mariomike (22 Nov 2011)

Speaking of roosters and hens, that reminds me of an old joke.

"The President and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown separately around an experimental government farm. When Mrs. Coolidge came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, “Dozens of times each day.” Mrs. Coolidge said, “Tell that to the President when he comes by.” Upon being told, the President asked, “Same hen every time?” The reply was, “Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time.” President: “Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.”


----------



## Tuna (22 Nov 2011)




----------



## OldSolduer (22 Nov 2011)

Crack suicide squad:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_12E1EN6fs


----------



## observor 69 (22 Nov 2011)

THE MARITIMES THROUGH THE EYES OF JEFF FOXWORTHY: 

If your local Tasty Treat is closed from September through May, you may live in the Maritimes. If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't even work there, you may live in the Maritimes. If you've worn shorts and a jacket at the same time, you may live in the Maritimes. If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with s...omeone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in the Maritimes. If "vacation" means going anywhere south of Saint John for the weekend, you may live in the Maritimes. If you measure distance in hours, you may live in the Maritimes. If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in the Maritimes. If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you may live in the Maritimes. If you can drive 110 kms through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in the Maritimes. If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both doors unlocked, you may live in the Maritimes. If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in the Maritimes. If you design your kid's costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in the Maritimes. If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in the Maritimes. If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in the Maritimes. If you have more kms on your snow blower than your car, you may live in the Maritimes. If you find -12C degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Canada!! If you actually understand these jokes, repost this so all of your Maritime friends and others can see


----------



## PMedMoe (22 Nov 2011)

Well, you can tell he's American.  We don't have "Tasty Treat" in the Maritimes.


----------



## Tuna (22 Nov 2011)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> Well, you can tell he's American.  We don't have "Tasty Treat" in the Maritimes.



never been to the maritimes, maybe they just went out of business haha


----------



## Tuna (22 Nov 2011)

(don't take these personally as they discriminate against all provinces equally)
some are a little dated but...


TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. Weed
2. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges
3. The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder
4. The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar
5. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown
6. A university with a nude beach
7. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations
8. If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash
9. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on
10. Cannabis
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. Big Rock
2. Preston Manning
3. Tax is 7 percent instead of approx. 200 percent
4. The Premier is a fat, wife-beating alcoholic with a grade 4 education
5. Flames vs. Oilers
6. Stamps vs. Eskies
7. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of
8. Eventually, it will be your town's turn to ban VLT's
9. The Americans below you are all in anti-government
militia groups
10. You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and
get away with it
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
1. You never run out of wheat
2. Those cool Saskatchewan Wheat Pool hats
3. Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning
4. Your province is really easy to draw
5. You never have to worry about roll-back if you have a standard
6. It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house
7. YOUR Roughriders survived
8. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours
9. People will assume you live on a farm
10. Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly have
beachfront property
2. Amusing town names like "Flin Flon" and "Winnipeg"
3. All your local bands make it big and move to Toronto
4. The only province to ever violently rebel against the
federal government
5. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes
6. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter
7. You don't need a car, just take the canoe to work
8. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood
9. Because of your license plate, you are still "friendly" even
when you cut someone off
10. Pass the time watching trucks and barns float by
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1. You live in the center of the universe
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election
4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Separatist
5. Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition
6. Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly
believe it's a cool city
7. The only province with hard-core American-style crime
8. MuchMusic's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV]
for a dollar
9. Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side
of your house
10. Mike Harris: basically a sober Ralph Klein
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
1. Everybody assumes you're an asshole
2. Racism is socially acceptable
3. The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians
4. You can take bets with your friends on which English
neighbor will move out next
5. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada
6. The FLQ
7. Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys
8. The province with the oldest, nastiest hookers
9. NON-smokers are the outcasts
10. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo bastards"
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
1. You are sandwiched between French assholes and drunken
Celtic fiddlers
2. One way or another, the government gets 98 percent
of your income
3. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies
4. When listing the provinces, everyone forgets to mention yours
5. The economy is based on fish, cows, and ferrying Ontario
motorists to Boston
6. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick
7. You have French people, but they don't want to kill you
8. Everybody has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse
9. Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen
10. You probably live in a small seaside cottage with no television
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
1. The only place in North America to get bombed in the war ...
by a moron who set a munitions ship on fire
2. Your province is shaped like male genitalia
3. Everyone is a fiddle player
4. If someone asks if you're a Newfie, you are allowed to
kick their ass
5. The local hero is an insane, fiddle playing, sexual pervert
6. The province that produced Rita MacNeil, the world's
largest land mammal
7. You are the reason Anne Murray makes money
8. You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to
wear a kilt
9. The economy is based on fish, lobster, and fiddle music
10. Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is
considered Canada's most beautiful city
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE ON PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still
got the big-ass bridge
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour
3. You were probably once an extra on "Road to Avonlea"
4. This is where all those tiny red potatoes come from
5. The economy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV shows
6. Tourists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables" house,
then promptly leave
7. You can drive across the province in two minutes
8. It doesn't matter to you if Quebec separates
9. You don't share a border with the Americans, or with anyone
for that matter
10. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and
off at night
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. The poorest, stupidest, drunkest province in Confederation
2. If Quebec Separates, you will float off to sea
3. In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can
make them kiss a dead cod
4. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products
5. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse
6. You understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics
7. The work day is about two hours long
8. You are credited with many great inventions, like
the solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines
9. If someone asks if you're from Nova Scotia, you are allowed
to kick their ass
10. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on
your wedding day


----------



## Journeyman (23 Nov 2011)

A collection of six old cheatin' jokes

*The 1st Affair*

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. 

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. 

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.' 

She looked down at his shoes and said: 
'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!' 


*The 2nd Affair * 

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. 

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant 
and delivered a healthy baby boy. 

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child 
he had ever seen. He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?' 

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 
'No, not this time!' 


*The 3rd Affair * 

A mortician was working late one night. 

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! 

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. 

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. 

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!' 


*The 4th Affair * 

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.' 

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room. 

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they went to bed. 

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. 

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.' 


*The 5th Affair * 

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed. 

He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?' 'A nickel,' the barman replied. 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 

'Where's the guy who owns this place?' 

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.' 

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?' 

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.' 


*The 6th & Best Affair* 

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. 

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.' 

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied. 

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!' 

'I know,' she replied. 
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'


----------



## PMedMoe (23 Nov 2011)

The timing of this is American*, but still funny:  Thanksgiving as a kid VS Thanksgiving as an adult

*Since someone _kindly_ pointed out to me that we Canadians have Thanksgiving too.


----------



## FlyingDutchman (23 Nov 2011)

...This is going to be a fun weekend.


----------



## Retired AF Guy (23 Nov 2011)

Never saw this before: Weird Al" Yankovic's Star Wars parody of Don Mcleans "An American Pie."

 The Saga Begins


----------



## PMedMoe (24 Nov 2011)

For all you history buffs:  Facebook News Feed History of the World: World War I to World War II

Check out the other world history news feeds at this link.   :nod:


----------



## Journeyman (25 Nov 2011)

It's not looking good for the Nativity Scene on Parliament Hill this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason; they simply haven't been able to find Three Wise Men in Ottawa. 

The search for a Virgin continues.


There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.


----------



## J.J (25 Nov 2011)

From a Kijiji ad in Moncton, NB


http://newbrunswick.kijiji.ca/c-buy-and-sell-tools-equipment-11HP-29-Snowblower-W0QQAdIdZ332915918


Do you like shoveling snow? Then stop reading this and go back to your pushups and granola because you are not someone that I want to talk to.

Let’s face it, we live in a place that attracts snow like Magnetic Hill attracts cars, only that ain’t an illusion out there. That’s 12 inches of snow piling up and, oh, what’s that sound? Why it’s the snow plow and it’s here to let you know that it hates you and all the time you spent to shovel your driveway. Did you want to get out of your house today? Were you expecting to get to work on time? Or even this week?

You gave it your best shot. You tried to shovel by yourself and I respect you for that. I did it, my parents did it, some of my best friends did it. But deep down inside, we all wanted to murder that neighbor with the snowblower who was finished and on his second beer while you were still trying to throw snow over a snowbank taller than you are. 

So, here we are. You could murder your neighbour, which could ensure that you won’t need to shovel a driveway for 25 to life, but there are downsides to that too. What to do? 

Here’s the deal. I have a snow blower and I want you to own it. I can tell you’re serious about this. It’s like I can almost see you: sitting there, your legs are probably crossed and your left hand is on your chin. Am I right? How’d I do that? The same way that I know that YOU ARE GOING TO BUY THIS SNOWBLOWER.

I want you to experience the rush that comes with smashing through a snowdrift and blowing that mother trucker out of the way. The elation of seeing the snow plow come back down your street and watching the look of despair as your OTHER neighbour gets his shovel out once more while you kick back with a hot cup of joe (you don’t have a drinking problem like that other guy).

Here’s what you do. You go to the bank. You collect $900. You get your buddy with a truck and you drive over here. You give me some cold hard cash and I give you a machine that will mess up a snowbank sumthin’ fierce. I’ve even got the manual for it, on account of I bought it brand new and I don’t throw that kind of thing away. Don't want to pay me $900? Convince me. Send me an offer and I'll either laugh at you and you'll never hear back from me or I'll counter. 

You want a snow blower. You need a snow blower. 

This isn’t some entry level snow blower that is just gonna move the snow two feet away. This is an 11 HP Briggs and Stratton machine of snow doom that will cut a 29 inch path of pure ecstasy. And it’s only 4 years old. I dare you to find a harder working 4 year old. My niece is five and she gets tired and cranky after just a few minutes of shoveling. This guy just goes and goes and goes. 

You know what else? I greased it every year to help keep the water off it and the body in as good as shape as possible. It's greasier than me when I was 13, and that's saying something.

You know how many speeds it has? Six forward and two in reverse. It goes from “leisurely” slow up to “light speed”. Seriously, I’ve never gone further than five because it terrifies me. I kid you not, you could probably commute to work with it dragging you. 

You know what else is crappy about clearing snow in the morning? That you have to do it in the dark. Well, not anymore! It has a halogen headlight that will light your way like some kind of moveable lighthouse (only better, because lighthouses won’t clear your driveway).

Oh, and since it’s the 21st century, this snow blower comes with an electric starter. Just plug that sucker in, push the button, and get ready to punch snow in the throat. If you want to experience what life was like in olden days, it comes with a back-up cord you could pull to start it, but forget that. The reason you’re getting this fearsome warrior was for the convenience, so why make it harder on yourself?

By this point, you’re probably wondering why I would sell my snowblower since the first snowpocalypse is upon us today. I’ll tell you why: because I heard it was time for you to man up and harness some mighty teeth and claws and chew your way to freedom, that’s why. 

This is my snow blower. Make it your snow blower.

UPDATE - I assure you that the snowblower is real, and it is still available.  Do not despair if you have made an offer on this glorious tribute to man's triumph over nature and I have not responded yet, your time has yet to come.


----------



## Hammer Sandwich (26 Nov 2011)

WR said:
			
		

> From a Kijiji ad in Moncton, NB.....


That is the _*best ad for anything*_, ever.

Wow.....


----------



## FlyingDutchman (26 Nov 2011)

I want that snow blower, and I live in a place where I do not have to shovel, not to mention its on the other side of the country.


----------



## PMedMoe (26 Nov 2011)

Bad Paid for Photos

The title says it all.   :nod:


----------



## GAP (26 Nov 2011)

Future wallmart people


----------



## Hammer Sandwich (26 Nov 2011)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> Bad Paid for Photos
> 
> The title says it all.   :nod:



Holy Shit.  :rofl:

This one kinda gave me the heebie-jeebies.....


----------



## Canadian.Trucker (28 Nov 2011)

That snowblower add is epic I love the "blow your way to freedom" comment.  That guy is hilarious, I'm willing to drive the 21 hours it would take for me to get to NB just to meet this man.


----------



## observor 69 (29 Nov 2011)

RETIRED HUSBAND 

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on  her trips to Zellers. 

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping  boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is  like most women - she loves to browse. 

Yesterday my dear wife received   the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris, 

  Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in  our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both  of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are 
listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 

3. July 7: He made  a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official  voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee  to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. 

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began  crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were 
called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 

10. September 10: While  handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the 
Antidepressants were. 

11. October 3: Darted around the Store  suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme. 

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels. 

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 

14. October  22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a


Fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where is the fitting room?



And last, but not least: 

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' 

  One of the clerks passed out.


----------



## GAP (29 Nov 2011)

WR said:
			
		

> From a Kijiji ad in Moncton, NB
> 
> 
> http://newbrunswick.kijiji.ca/c-buy-and-sell-tools-equipment-11HP-29-Snowblower-W0QQAdIdZ332915918
> ...



Snowblower that caused stir on Kijiji sold
CBC News  Nov 28, 2011 9:59 PM 
Article Link

The Kijiji ad which drew lots of attention to a Moncton man has also made him some money as he sold the subject of the ad — a snowblower — over the weekend.

Sunday's blogpost by Weh-Ming Cho reads "The Snowblower that ate the internet: SOLD."

He said all he wanted to do was sell his snowblower so that he could hire a plowdriver to take care of his driveway this winter.

His humourous selling approach was what took the World Wide Web by storm. He also happened to post the ad on the day of New Brunswick's first snowstorm of the season

"You gave it your best shot. You tried to shovel by yourself and I respect you for that," the ad says.

"I have a snow blower and I want you to own it. It's like I can almost see you: sitting there, your legs are probably crossed and your left hand is on your chin. Am I right? How'd I do that? The same way that I know that YOU ARE GOING TO BUY THIS SNOWBLOWER."

He posted the ad last Wednesday. In less than a week, he says the ad was viewed 342,465 times, with 48,574 people linking to it on Facebook .

He says the ad was viewed about 55 times per minute and linked to almost eight times per minute.

The ad also did pretty well for him personally.
More on link


----------



## Tuna (29 Nov 2011)

(not sure if this has or has not been posted already)

A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a computer engineer were driving down the road together when suddenly the car they are in stops. The mechanical engineer quickly pops the hood to see whats wrong, he assumes that there must be something wrong with the engine. Meanwhile the chemical engineer is examining the gas tank and immediately assumes from the smell that there is something wrong with the gasoline. An arguement starts between the two and after a few minutes the computer engineer, still sitting alone in the car says "Why don't we turn it off... and then turn it on again!"


----------



## Retired AF Guy (29 Nov 2011)

Something for the gun guys/girls:


----------



## 57Chevy (29 Nov 2011)

From the american society of retired people;


Q:�Where can men over the ageof 60 find younger, sexywomen who are interestedin them?
A:�Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q:�What can a man do while hiswife is going through menopause?
A:�Keep busy. If you're handy withtools, you can finish the basement.When you're done you'll have aplace to live.

Q:�Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true?
A:�Yes. Matthew 14:92:"And Mary rode Joseph's assall the way to Egypt."

Q:�How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plusyear old husband?
A:�Tell him you're pregnant.

Q:�How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A:�Take off your glasses.

Q:�Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A:�Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q:�Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A:�Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q:�Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A:�Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q:�As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A:�Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q:�Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A:�On their foreheads.

Q:�What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A:�"Gosh, I remember these!"


----------



## PMedMoe (1 Dec 2011)

The 56 best/worst analogies written by high school students*

 :rofl:

Some are pretty good.   :nod:

*Edit to add:  These were actually written for a Washington Post contest.  Still funny.


----------



## PMedMoe (3 Dec 2011)

40 Inspirational Speeches in 2 Minutes

Well done.   :nod:

Had to add this:  The 100 Cheesiest Movie Quotes of All Time


----------



## GnyHwy (3 Dec 2011)

A salesman walks up to a suburban home and knocks on the door.  The door opens and there stands an eight year old boy, wearing a bath robe, smoking a cigar and drinking from a bottle of whiskey.

The boy, with a snide look on his face asks, "can I help ya"?

The salesman, completely taken back by the boys lack of respect and conduct replies "is your mother home"?

The boy, with a cocky smile, replies... " what the %&$ do you think"?


----------



## Rifleman62 (4 Dec 2011)

Never thought I would see this very, very old joke on the internet.



A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemist  shop. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly  folded cotton bandana, unfolds  it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also  unfolds to  reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on  it. The  chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How  much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.

"Six  pence," says the chemist.

"How  much for a new one?"

"Ten  pence" says the chemist.

The  Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square  handkerchief and the  cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and  marches out of  the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

He comes back the next day and says "Six  pence for the repair, and ten pence for a new one".

"Aye" says the chemist.

The  Scot painstakingly marches out of  the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A  moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up  outside, followed by an even greater  shout. The  Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist and addresses the  proprietor, this  time with a grin on his face.

"The  regiment will have it repaired."


----------



## PMedMoe (5 Dec 2011)

Not so much funny as fun:  How fast are your reactions?


----------



## ironduke57 (7 Dec 2011)

Auto Correct Fails: Damn You Auto Correct's 11 Most Awkward SNAFUs Of 2011 
 ;D ;D :rofl: :rofl:


----------



## FlyingDutchman (7 Dec 2011)

ironduke57 said:
			
		

> Auto Correct Fails: Damn You Auto Correct's 11 Most Awkward SNAFUs Of 2011
> ;D ;D :rofl: :rofl:


....I f***ing hate auto correct and was ready to build a neck for my phone just so I could strangle it when it was stuck on.


----------



## Rifleman62 (9 Dec 2011)

*HELL  EXPLAINED*

The following is an actual question given on a  University  of Arizona  chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. 
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :  

*Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?*  

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
_  
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:  

  1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
  
  2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?  

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'_

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.


----------



## Cardstonkid (9 Dec 2011)

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know.... I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "...Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullsh#ttin' me?!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well .. You started it!!


----------



## navymich (9 Dec 2011)

A Sailor walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman looks at his wrist and remarks, "That's some watch.

I've never seen anything like it before. What is it?"

"I just got this," he replies. "It's a new military issue. It has a small computer chip which has threat detection and situational awareness."

The intrigued woman asks, "What's so special about it?"

The Sailor explains, "It can detect any threats within a 50 yard radius and gives me an awareness of my surroundings.

The woman asks, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, according to what it says, you're not wearing any panties...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The Sailor taps the face of his watch several times and says, "Aw, hell, the damn thing's an hour fast


----------



## navymich (9 Dec 2011)

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy halter top. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. 'Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg.' He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. 'Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes.' Mortified, he too fled.

'Morons....'the third priest mutters and moves to the window. 'Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you.'

They took the bus!!!


----------



## observor 69 (11 Dec 2011)

How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb? None, they hate change, even if it would brighten the world. -Unknown


----------



## vonGarvin (11 Dec 2011)

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?  None: feminists can't change anything.  ;D


----------



## Sythen (11 Dec 2011)

Technoviking said:
			
		

> How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?  None: feminists can't change anything.  ;D



oh snap!


----------



## vonGarvin (11 Dec 2011)

If a man driving a motorcyle runs over a woman, who's at fault?



The man, of course...


















Why is he driving a motorcycle in the kitchen in the first place?  ;D


----------



## vonGarvin (11 Dec 2011)

Why do little boys whinge and whine so much?


They are practicing to become men.


----------



## Loachman (12 Dec 2011)

How many gun control supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

None - they just pass a law banning burnt-out light bulbs and wonder why it's still dark.


----------



## vonGarvin (12 Dec 2011)

Loachman said:
			
		

> How many gun control supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
> 
> None - they just pass a law banning burnt-out light bulbs and wonder why it's still dark.


This.  This is the BEST joke.  EVER!!!!


----------



## Loachman (12 Dec 2011)

It's not a joke.


----------



## GAP (13 Dec 2011)

This is an alcohol test:
If you pass it, you can keep drinking,
if not, it's time to stop.
Follow the simple instructions below:

1. Click on the man’s nose

2. A new window will open - click on the man's nose again

3. Each time you click on his nose, you can drink another glass of wine!!!

http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/slaan.html


----------



## Bluebulldog (13 Dec 2011)

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

.....none...they never get the frigging house.


----------



## GAP (13 Dec 2011)

Muslim Cleric's Warning: Cucumbers Too Sexy for Women
Published December 08, 2011 | FoxNews.com
Article Link

An Islamic cleric living in Europe reportedly has warned Muslim women not to get too close to bananas, cucumbers or other produce -- to avoid having “sexual thoughts.”

The unnamed cleric, whose directive was featured in an article in el-Senousa, a religious publication, purportedly said that if women wanted to eat these foods, a third party -- preferably a male related to them, such as their father or husband -- should cut the items into small pieces before serving, the Egyptian website Bikya Masr reported.

Carrots and zucchini also were added to the alleged cleric's list of forbidden foods for women.

News of the statement quickly spread online, leaving many liberal Muslims embarrassed and angry, evoking a flurry of mockery in online forums.

"Many of the commentators are Muslims themselves, who have expressed their anger against the cleric for making Islamic religious practices appear unreasonable," The International Business Times reported.

BikyaMasr.com said the cleric, identified only as a sheikh, was asked in the interview how to “control” women when they are shopping for groceries, and whether holding these items at the market would be bad, to which he replied that the matter was between them and God.

Questions also arose about the validity of the original published interview. An online search for the el-Senousa article, for instance, yields only results linking to the Bikya Masr report.

But the mere suggestion of a strict order for Muslim women handling food has been enough to send people to website forums and Twitter to air their indignation.

Danish/Lebanese journalist Helen Hajjij tweeted on Wednesday: “So if Muslim women should stay away from cucumbers and bananas, should men stay away from melons?”
end


----------



## Retired AF Guy (13 Dec 2011)

> The unnamed cleric, ...


 Gee, I wonder why??


----------



## jollyjacktar (14 Dec 2011)

That's why I'm banned from feeling the melons in the produce asile.


----------



## Retired AF Guy (14 Dec 2011)

jollyjacktar said:
			
		

> That's why I'm banned from feeling the melons in the produce asile.



As they say in certain parts of the world, "Women are OK, little boys are fine, but happiness is a ripe watermelon."


----------



## Retired AF Guy (14 Dec 2011)

_"As I caress your firm roundness with my hands and press my face into your pink flesh, your sweet juice runs down my face."_










(I LOVE WATERMELONS!)

_Fixed typo._


----------



## Retired AF Guy (14 Dec 2011)

Enough about watermelons. A little story by  Jerry Pournelle  about an experiment he participated in years ago in how cats would react in a zero-G gravity. Enjoy:



> A long time ago at a Human Factors lab on an Air Force base in Texas, a group of human factors space scientists and Air Force pilots were sitting in the O Club and got to talking about cats and zero gravity. How would a cat orient in micro gravity? Visually? They always land on their feet. But what if they couldn’t feel which way was down?
> 
> A few drinks later we realized that one of the pilots wasn’t having a drink because he had to do a proficiency flight later that afternoon. And we already had a camera rigged in the cockpit of a T Bird, and if a couple of us certified this as a human factors experiment it wouldn’t cost the government anything it wasn’t going to spend on the proficiency flight, and it would be an interesting experiment, and — Well, it seemed like a great idea at the time, and the captain who’d be flying thought it would be a good idea.
> 
> ...


 Emphasis mine.


----------



## PMedMoe (15 Dec 2011)

Okay, apparently linking images from http://iwastesomuchtime.com/ is not on.

It was a picture of Tom Hanks and Wilson from Castaway with the title "Still a better love story than Twilight"

 ;D


----------



## Nfld Sapper (15 Dec 2011)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> :nod:



red X?


----------



## Rifleman62 (17 Dec 2011)

For Zoomie, Loachman, Supersonic Max and friends:

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems ...
...  encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor! Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. (By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.)

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

•	P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
•	P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
•	P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.
•	P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order.
•	P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.
•	P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're there for.
•	P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
•	P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right.
•	P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
•	P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
•	P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
•	P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.
•	P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.


----------



## Journeyman (17 Dec 2011)




----------



## Retired AF Guy (25 Dec 2011)

Music by Arnie...


----------



## PMedMoe (26 Dec 2011)

So true, but I think I'd say more like the 70's.


----------



## TN2IC (26 Dec 2011)

Love it..


----------



## TN2IC (26 Dec 2011)

This is how the CF works..


----------



## TN2IC (26 Dec 2011)

So true...


----------



## TN2IC (27 Dec 2011)

LOL


----------



## vonGarvin (29 Dec 2011)

What does DNA stand for?
The National Dyslexia Association.

 :bowing:


----------



## Hammer Sandwich (29 Dec 2011)

Technoviking said:
			
		

> What does DNA stand for?
> The National Dyslexia Association.



EAHT CMRIE!!!!

You're a dab nam........


----------



## DexOlesa (30 Dec 2011)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> So true, but I think I'd say more like the 70's.



The difference is, when we did something stupid (and we did lets be honest) we got hurt, our parents gave us a bandage (or whatever) called us morons and sent us back out to play. Now, they rush them to the hospital call them poor baby and sue the toy company. Kids are getting dumber though, no doubt


----------



## Journeyman (30 Dec 2011)

DexOlesa said:
			
		

> Kids are getting dumber though, no doubt


So it appears in the Recruiting threads.    :not-again:


----------



## Hammer Sandwich (30 Dec 2011)

I'm throwin' in a joke;

Three Holy Men & A Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in
Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and
attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said,
'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I
began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted
nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God,
he became as gentle as a lamb.. The Bishop is coming out next week
to give him first communion and confirmation.'


Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm
and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best
fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW
that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I
began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to
wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until
we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy
soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was
lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs
and monitors running in and out of him.

He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, .......
circumcision may not have been the best way to start."


----------



## Rifleman62 (1 Jan 2012)

Clever Jury


In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of: 

A defendant was on trial for murder.  There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. 

In the defence's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. 

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.  "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door.  The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. 

A minute passed.  Nothing happened. 

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement.  But you all looked on with anticipation.  I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." 

The jury retired to deliberate.  A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. 

"But how?" inquired the lawyer.  "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." 

The jury foreman replied: 

"Yes, we did look, 

But Your Client Didn't."


----------



## Loachman (2 Jan 2012)

http://awkwardstockphotos.com/


----------



## Rifleman62 (2 Jan 2012)

See photo


----------



## vonGarvin (2 Jan 2012)




----------



## Retired AF Guy (3 Jan 2012)

_"Last night you laid on my naked body,

and applied your mouth to me without guilt or humiliation. 

You drove me near crazy while you drained me. 

Today when I awoke you were gone. 

I searched for you but to no avail. 

Only the sheets bare last nights events. 

My body still bares marks of your ravishing, 

making it all the more difficult to forget you.

Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you...... 











You f**king mosquito!!!!"_


----------



## Loachman (3 Jan 2012)

If women ruled the world http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0m3d8Rbf3kk


----------



## jollyjacktar (3 Jan 2012)

Funny, Loachman.   ;D


----------



## Rifleman62 (4 Jan 2012)

Lawyer story.


  
 The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful and rich lawyer.  So a United Way volunteer paid a visit to the lawyer in his lavish skyscraper office.
  
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is well over two million dollars, you don't give a single penny to charity.  Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
  
 Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
  
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
  
The humiliated United Way rep, now totally ashamed, says, "I'm so sorry I had no idea."

Then the lawyer finally says, "So ... if I didn't give any money to them what makes you think I'd give any money to the United Way?"


----------



## observor 69 (7 Jan 2012)

Too bad there’s not a robot Bob Hope to go entertain the unmanned drones at the front


----------



## uptheglens (9 Jan 2012)

The best of fails 2011

http://fragg.me/video/best-of-fails-2011

10:09 - 10:13 is by far my favourite, but they're all good.


----------



## jollyjacktar (10 Jan 2012)

uptheglens said:
			
		

> The best of fails 2011
> 
> http://fragg.me/video/best-of-fails-2011
> 
> 10:09 - 10:13 is by far my favourite, but they're all good.



  So many to choose from.  Even "Tex" makes an appearance.  Watching the red hot rail coming out like that must have been exciting on the shop floor...  Thanks for the wow.


----------



## jparkin (10 Jan 2012)

uptheglens said:
			
		

> The best of fails 2011
> 
> http://fragg.me/video/best-of-fails-2011
> 
> 10:09 - 10:13 is by far my favourite, but they're all good.



I was looking for a way to burn some time between classes and you provided me with 13 minutes of painful laughter.  ;D
Many thanks


----------



## PMedMoe (10 Jan 2012)

uptheglens said:
			
		

> The best of fails 2011
> 
> http://fragg.me/video/best-of-fails-2011



In some of those cases it's like Darwin just isn't trying hard enough.    :not-again:


----------



## GAP (13 Jan 2012)

Something Smells Fishy
RESTAURANT | ORLANDO, FL, USA |
(I used to work at a theme restaurant that had a huge, double arch aquarium at the entrance to the dining area. We had staff members who would clean the tanks from the inside in full scuba gear. The tanks were filled with brightly colored, tropical fish.)

Patron: “Oooh! Is he there to paint the fish?”

Me: “I’m… sorry?”

Patron: “The fish. Is he in there to paint them?”

Me: “Oh no, ma’am, the paint would wash off if we did it underwater. He takes them out to paint them.”

Patron: “You take them out? That’s horrible? How do they breathe?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, it’s very quick. We use an airbrush and stencils. It really only takes a few seconds. And since the paint is misted on, it dries almost instantly.”

Patron: “Well, that’s a relief!”


----------



## Rifleman62 (20 Jan 2012)

WHEN COFFEE HURTS!



I was eating breakfast with my six year-old granddaughter last Week and I asked her "When is President's Day?"

She is a really smart kid, and instantly replied "In February!"

So, I asked "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for Something about Washington or Lincoln ... Etc.

She said, "That's when Obama steps out of the White House, and If he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."



DARN IT HURTS LIKE H--- WHEN HOT COFFEE SPURTS OUT YOUR NOSE!


----------



## Retired AF Guy (20 Jan 2012)

Look Ma, its me!!


----------



## NSDreamer (24 Jan 2012)

So My friend Nicola wrote a letter to a pilot when she was 8, and just found it again. Aren't kids wonderful?


----------



## PMedMoe (25 Jan 2012)

10 Misconceptions Rundown

Some parts funny, some parts interesting.


----------



## jparkin (25 Jan 2012)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> 10 Misconceptions Rundown
> 
> Some parts funny, some parts interesting.



Hahaha I hope 8 spiders a year isn't an underestimate!


----------



## GAP (25 Jan 2012)

Sequoia:Testimony of a Snail

http://www.veryfunnyads.com/


----------



## GAP (25 Jan 2012)

I've skipped stones, but this......

Jack Link's Beef Jerky:Cannonball

http://www.veryfunnyads.com/


----------



## PMedMoe (25 Jan 2012)

For the people who keep using MSN speak, keep this in mind:







 >

Link, in case the picture disappears:  http://iwsmt.littleasllc.netdna-cdn.com/January-20-2012-15-31-10-tumblrlxuiv3mVxM1qewacoo1500.jpg


----------



## jparkin (26 Jan 2012)

Nothing like some Precision Drilling!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25Qhbdijv5Y&NR=1&feature=endscreen


----------



## Rifleman62 (26 Jan 2012)

An Interglactic Warning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.  We come in peace.  Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you"

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.

Again, there was no response.

Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling.  We come in peace.  Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that!  I really think that will make him mad."

”Rubbish,” replied the young alien.  He aimed his weapon and opened fire.

There was a huge explosion.  A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien, off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away into a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed.  When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien.  "He damn near killed me!  How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear."


----------



## PMedMoe (28 Jan 2012)

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis : Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

Karmageddon : it's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect : The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n..): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.


----------



## Eye In The Sky (28 Jan 2012)

One the ladies will like...  ;D


----------



## Rifleman62 (29 Jan 2012)

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous. 

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. 

The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication. 

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated. 

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. 

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. 

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' 

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence . 

'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??' 

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: 

'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?' 

The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as 'Best come-back line ever.'


----------



## observor 69 (1 Feb 2012)

Apple Scotland - iPhone commercial for Siri    

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGxKhUuZ0Rc


----------



## GAP (1 Feb 2012)

Radio Conversation

This is supposed to be the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.

- Please change your direction 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

- Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

- This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

- No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

- THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

- This is a lighthouse. Your call.

========================================================

Their Sons

These 4 pals go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son BIll," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "George is so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son, Albert, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Frank's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

==============================================================

Curiosity gets the Priest

A priest, in urgent need to use the bathroom, walks into a local bar. The bar is jumping with loud music and lively conversation, but every few minutes the lights abruptly go off. Every time the lights go off, the bar crowd bursts into loud whoops and applause, but when they see the priest enter the bar, the place becomes absolutely quiet.

The priest walks over to the bartender and asks, "Can you please tell me where your bathroom is?"

"Sure, but I have to tell you, father, there's a statue of a naked woman in it and she?s wearing only a fig leaf."

"No problem, I'll just avert my eyes, then," Said the priest.

The bartender then shows the priest to the far side of the bar where the bathroom is located. After a short while, the priest comes out of the bathroom and the bar crowd pauses only long enough to give him a rousing cheer. Perplexed he goes over to the bartender and asks, I'm puzzled. Why did they cheer for me as I came out of the bathroom just now?"

"Well, father, it's because your curiosity has made you human and likeable, just like us," said the bartender. "May I pour you a drink?"

"No thanks you, but, I'm still puzzled," said the priest.

"You see, father," chuckles the bartender, "every time somebody moves the fig leaf on the naked woman statue, the bar lights go off. Now, what do you say to that drink?"


----------



## Rifleman62 (2 Feb 2012)

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?' The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.' The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again...


----------



## TN2IC (2 Feb 2012)

I remember speaking to a British submariner officer about the sub purchase. He said it was like this at the closing deal.  :facepalm:


----------



## TN2IC (3 Feb 2012)

Budget cuts hitting the sandbox...


----------



## DexOlesa (4 Feb 2012)

The hell is that thing?? Looks like one of those 6 wheeled ATV's you take hunting with a mounted gun, and that slat armour....and whatever that light bar is out front.


----------



## OldSolduer (4 Feb 2012)

DexOlesa said:
			
		

> The hell is that thing?? Looks like one of those 6 wheeled ATV's you take hunting with a mounted gun, and that slat armour....and whatever that light bar is out front.



A mine roller?


----------



## jollyjacktar (4 Feb 2012)

Meanest looking Gator out there.   :nod:


----------



## TN2IC (4 Feb 2012)

Dear optimist pessimist and realist while you guys were busy arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. 

Sincerely,
The Opportunist


----------



## TN2IC (4 Feb 2012)

Jim Seggie said:
			
		

> A mine roller?



Yup... it was a gator with some one with a lot of time on their hands. I think it was from TF Lumberjack.


----------



## OldSolduer (6 Feb 2012)

TN said:
			
		

> Yup... it was a gator with some one with a lot of time on their hands. I think it was from TF Lumberjack.



I think its quite funny actually.


----------



## TN2IC (7 Feb 2012)

I totally should build one here... wonder what the RCMP would say?


----------



## Rifleman62 (8 Feb 2012)

Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to the bedroom. 

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a Baseball Bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. 

Once she's done, with a sense of pride and satisfaction she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. 

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

“ Hi darling” he says

“ Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom."


----------



## TN2IC (8 Feb 2012)

Amen...  ;D


----------



## TN2IC (8 Feb 2012)

When the recruiter asks you why you want to join...

Jump up and down on the desk and scream..
"I want to kill, kill, kill!"


----------



## OldSolduer (9 Feb 2012)

When dealing with some (not all) officers who have "good ideas":


----------



## PMedMoe (9 Feb 2012)

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.  In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.  This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. 

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.  During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.  It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. 

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.  Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.  She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.  

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!" 

That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.   >


----------



## GAP (9 Feb 2012)

My bookkeeper got into the act,,,,,,,,,,,,this was her reply........

So – you gotta wonder who else she was doing to earn all that dough – do the math - $3,000,000 / 30 years = $100,000 per year / 365 days - $273.98 per day / $20 per session = 13.7 session per day and every day!   She was a busy girl !!! J))  

 ;D


----------



## vonGarvin (9 Feb 2012)

On their wedding night, the young groom approached his new wife and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.  In her highly aroused state, she readily agreed.  This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with her thinking that it was a cute way for him to afford  incidentals that he needed. 

Arriving home around noon one day, he was surprised to find her in a very drunken state.  During the next few minutes, she explained that her employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and she had been let go.  It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, she'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what she'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. 

Calmly, her husband handed her a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.  Then he showed her certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed her that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.  He explained that for the more than three decades he had "charged" her for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of his savings and investments.  

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, his wife was so astounded she could barely speak, but finally she found her voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!" 

That's when she shot her. You know, sometimes, women just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.   >


----------



## vonGarvin (9 Feb 2012)

GAP said:
			
		

> My bookkeeper got into the act,,,,,,,,,,,,this was her reply........
> 
> So – you gotta wonder who else she was doing to earn all that dough – do the math - $3,000,000 / 30 years = $100,000 per year / 365 days - $273.98 per day / $20 per session = 13.7 session per day and every day!   She was a busy girl !!! J))
> 
> ;D



I just found the spouse on spouse violence hilarious


 :sarcasm:


----------



## DexOlesa (9 Feb 2012)

she only deposited $1 Million, investments gave the other 2.  So 1,000,000/30= 33,333.33/365 = $91.32 a day/ $20 = 4.5 times a day. Not QUITE as bad. Still busy though


----------



## PMedMoe (9 Feb 2012)

Seriously?   :not-again:


----------



## vonGarvin (9 Feb 2012)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> Seriously?   :not-again:


----------



## PMedMoe (10 Feb 2012)

And just when you thought your life was boring......






......you're ecstatic that it is.   :nod:


----------



## jollyjacktar (10 Feb 2012)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> And just when you thought your life was boring......
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Really, you could not make this stuff up.  Love it.   ;D


----------



## Rifleman62 (10 Feb 2012)

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words 'complete' and 'finished' in a way that's so easy to understand.

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED but, there is an explanation, as told by a Newfoundlander!!!!!! 

When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ....

COMPLETELY FINISHED !!!


----------



## GAP (10 Feb 2012)

:rofl:


----------



## PMedMoe (12 Feb 2012)




----------



## Rifleman62 (12 Feb 2012)

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I wish I could see a doctor now without waiting forever at the urgent care walk-in." 

"Listen, you don't have wait at the walk-in." Mike replies. 

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot faster than seeing a doctor, and getting referred to a lab."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. 

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. 

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco." 

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. 

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure. 

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. 

The computer prints the following: 

1. Your tap water is too hard.  Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. 

Thank you for shopping at Costco!


----------



## Bluebulldog (13 Feb 2012)

During WWI, there was a lull in the fighting on the Wester Front.

A Canadian soldier tells his buddy: "You know, all Germans are called Hans. Watch."

He rises to the rim of the trench and calls out across no-man's-land: "Hey, Hans!"

Across the way, an German soldier stands up above the parapet and goes:"Ja?" and the Canadian shoots him.

Word spreads along the Canadian front and everywhere you hear: "Hey, Hans! Ja?" Bang!

So a German says to one of his buddies: 
"Hey, Hans?

-Ja?

- All Canadians are called Smith. Watch."

So he call out across no-man's-land: 

"Hey, Smith?

-Yeah, That you, Hans?

-Ja?"


----------



## Rogo (15 Feb 2012)

Just discovered who our beloved Army.ca TechnoViking really is.   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WG60-0tp5sU&feature=related


----------



## PMedMoe (16 Feb 2012)

Reminds me of a line I heard last night (that I referenced for future use): "I've got a fake laugh with your name written all over it."   >


----------



## Rifleman62 (16 Feb 2012)

Rogo: 





> Just discovered who our beloved Army.ca TechnoViking really is.   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WG60-0tp5sU&feature=related



I am sure it is him as he linked that a year or so ago.


----------



## TN2IC (19 Feb 2012)

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know....., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull shittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."


----------



## Rifleman62 (27 Feb 2012)

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. 

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying." 

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"


----------



## Rifleman62 (1 Mar 2012)

For all you medics:


Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. 

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. 
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks,'Kin ya breathe?'The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. 

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. 

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. 

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'


----------



## GAP (2 Mar 2012)

.


----------



## Rifleman62 (3 Mar 2012)

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he met U.S. General Patraeus. 

They shook hands. As they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America ." 

The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will." 

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star Trek, and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims.  My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek." 

The General laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "That's because it takes place in the future".


----------



## 211RadOp (3 Mar 2012)

Some of the responses are better than the texts

http://m.textsfromlastnight.com/texts/page:1


----------



## PMedMoe (4 Mar 2012)

:nod:


----------



## vonGarvin (4 Mar 2012)




----------



## ironduke57 (4 Mar 2012)

Is there reason to know this "Snookie" person?

Regards,
ironduke57


----------



## vonGarvin (4 Mar 2012)

ironduke57 said:
			
		

> Is there reason to know this "Snookie" person?
> 
> Regards,
> ironduke57







She's the woman in this photo. Apparently she's a so-called "Reality TV" star.  (I had to ask my daughter who she was)


Es ist kein Wunder, dass ich nicht mehr Fernsehen anschaue....


----------



## ironduke57 (4 Mar 2012)

Thx. Not my kind of TV show. 

Where have all the good TV shows gone? Just thinking about the TV shows of my childhood: Hardcastle and McCormick, Star Trek, Airwolf, Streethawk, A-Team, Riptide, Simon and Simon, Misfits of Science, MacGyver, The Fall Guy, etc.. Or the cartoon series like MASK, Saber Rider, Captian Future, Thundercats, Silverhawks, etc.. And now? "Reality" TV crap and Spongebob? WTF happend?!

Sorry for the rant. It is just ... well you know.

Regards,
ironduke57


----------



## OldSolduer (4 Mar 2012)

Snookie is an idiot.....and only good for.....nothing.


----------



## RememberanceDay (5 Mar 2012)

Only if the father of Snookie's child is the next Albert Einstein (Which I highly doubt, because someone with brains like that would know better), then it might be ok. Otherwise, I pity the poor thing.


----------



## PMedMoe (5 Mar 2012)

Not really a joke, but funny enough:  Ice falls from CN Tower, police investigating

Only in Canada.   ;D


----------



## GAP (6 Mar 2012)

With an election in mind............


While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. 

What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning... ... 


Today you voted.'


----------



## Rogo (6 Mar 2012)

Gold.


----------



## TN2IC (7 Mar 2012)

lol...


----------



## Journeyman (9 Mar 2012)

I was going to post this in the Recruiting threads....   >



> *News Item: University graduates being forced to take jobs that match their skills*
> University graduates are increasingly having to take unskilled jobs commensurate with their lack of ability.
> 
> Figures from Statistics Canada show that the average wage for someone with a Canadian university degree has fallen to pretty much where it should be.
> ...


----------



## PMedMoe (9 Mar 2012)

:goodpost:

 ;D


----------



## vonGarvin (9 Mar 2012)

> Holly Turnbull, a 1.9 GPA from Concordia University, said: "I had some nebulous plan that my degree in Wymyns Studies would translate into a six-figure income but all I have to show for it is a breathtakingly predictable tattoo.
> 
> "I was explaining this the other day to an old friend I sneered at for leaving school at 16 to become a plumber. But he just jumped into his Audi while asking if I would like to clean his condos.
> 
> He has seven of them."



:rofl:

HILARIOUS!!!!!!


----------



## PMedMoe (10 Mar 2012)

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines.  "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.  It's this Viagra," he says.  "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks him if he would like something.  "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines.  "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.  "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie?  Maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again.  "No," he says, "it's  got to be the Viagra.  I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me?  I'm starving." 

 ;D


----------



## GAP (11 Mar 2012)

SPAGHETTI


For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. 
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to 
ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum 
of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she 
stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support 
until the child turned 18. 

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.


To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and 
write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child 
support to begin. 

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 

'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed 
and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. 

On the card was written: 

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. 

Three with meatballs, two without. 

Send extra sauce.


----------



## GAP (12 Mar 2012)

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

" Not yet, "  said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well,  he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.  He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ?  Why don't I have any milk in my cereal ? " he asks.

" Well, "  his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 
" You gonna tell him or should I ? "


----------



## TN2IC (13 Mar 2012)

You May Be a Taliban, If ...
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
13. You list your occupation as dirt farmer.


----------



## jollyjacktar (13 Mar 2012)

TN, funny.  But I disagree with # 11.  The one's I came in smelling distance of had not seen a bath in a couple of months.  Stinky bastards.


----------



## TN2IC (13 Mar 2012)

jollyjacktar said:
			
		

> TN, funny.  But I disagree with # 11.  The one's I came in smelling distance of had not seen a bath in a couple of months.  Stinky bastards.



You always have to disagree, don't you fish head?


----------



## gcclarke (22 Mar 2012)

I'm pretty sure that #11 was actually referring to Submariners, not Taliban. I understand how one could make that mistake with your eyes closed, but the former is more likely to have a whiff of diesel in their aroma.


----------



## NavyShooter (22 Mar 2012)

Stolen from another forum I frequent....



The following would be the reaction of different types of Canadian soldiers upon encountering a snake in a theatre of operations:

Paratrooper: Kills the snake.

Armor: Runs over the snake, giggles and looks for more snakes.

Infantry (RCR): “Look a putty cat. Come here kitty. Ouch! Hey that’s not a kitty cat.”

Infantry (R 22e R) : “Tabarnack! Me see snake. Me like snake. Ouch! Me no like snake”.

Infantry (PPCLI) : Plays with the snake, then eats it.

Artillery: Kills the snake, but in the process, kills several hundred civilians with a massive time-on-target with three artillery brigades in support. Mission is considered a success, and all participants are awarded Orders of Military Merit (including cooks, mechanics, clerks, etc.)

Pararescue: Wounds the snake in the first encounter, then feverishly works to save the snake’s life.

JTF 2: Expends all ammunition and several grenades and calls for a tactical air strike in a failed attempt to kill the snake. Snake bites the JTF 2 Commander and retreats to safety.

Air Force Combat Controller: Guides the snake elsewhere.

Canadian Ranger: Follows the snake and gets lost.

Sea King Pilot: Has GPS grid to snake. Can’t find snake. Has engine failure and barely makes it back to base. Goes to the Officer’s Mess for some sort of drink called “The Snake.”

Military Intelligence: “Snake? What? Where? Huh?”

Military Police: Arrests the snake, then spends two hours trying to handcuff it. Snake escapes.

Combat News Reporter: Sees the snake 200 meters away. Writes an in-depth article in “Maple Leaf” on snakes. Minister of National Defense reads the article and states that “Canadian Forces are better equipped to deal with snakes than they were in the Gulf War.” Then he cuts the military budget another 50% and gives large pay increases to senior officers.


----------



## TN2IC (24 Mar 2012)

Taliban Porn Movie Titles
on 05.18.2011
Seal Team 6 not only found countless amounts of intelligence when they raided and killed Osama Bin Laden, they also found some of the hottest Taliban Porn movies the Middle East has ever seen. Here are some CIA leaked Taliban Porn movie titles.

Goatbusters

Jurka Jurka

The Squirt Locker

Backdoor Burka Babes

Talibuns

Debbie Does Abbotabad

Oral Qaeda

No Fatwa Chicks

9 1/2 Sheiks

IE-DDD

Suicide Bombshells 6

Behind the Green Burqa

1000 Arabians in One Night

Gilfs... Goat I‘d Like to FUCK!

Osama Bin Ga*gba*g

2 Burkas and 1 cup

Burka-Back Mountain

Jih*ad.

Tala bang bang

Whackistan lol

Weapons of Mass-turbation

Osama "the Hamster in his cave" Bin Laden

DD Mountains of Tora Bora

Searching the Desert for Camel Toe

Ali Baba and the 40 Beaves

She‘s the "Bomb"

Tokeback Mountains

Brokeback Cavern

5 Taliban 1 Cave

We have Cakefarts - Osama introduces Tandoori Farts

Weapons of ass destruction

Osama Bin Lov‘n

PackingStan

Raidin‘ Bunkers

8:11 - the 9/11 prequel

Osama Pakenherstan


----------



## TN2IC (24 Mar 2012)

*Action Figure Therapy* 


"Problem Solved, Problem Staying Solved"

 ;D


----------



## TN2IC (24 Mar 2012)

;D


----------



## Occam (24 Mar 2012)

NavyShooter said:
			
		

> Stolen from another forum I frequent....
> 
> 
> 
> ...



You could easily add:

Canadian Sailor:  Manoeuvres in circles around the snake for five days at 15 knots, then tries to clean it and paint it ship's side grey.


----------



## TN2IC (24 Mar 2012)

Tonight, we dine in HELL...


----------



## FlyingDutchman (25 Mar 2012)

I recently found out my brother in law shaved his head in his teens.  Just after that he applied aftershave.


----------



## TN2IC (26 Mar 2012)

Found this Sunday morning. Wonder how many calls the shop got?


----------



## naFianna (27 Mar 2012)

Please remove as you see fit, but I just thought I'd share this "gem". I found it rather amusing, to say the least  








"Smile. It confuses people."


----------



## GAP (27 Mar 2012)

Glacier Erasure
2010 Darwin Award Nominee
Unconfirmed by Darwin
Another account from the archives of a 30-year ER MD.
Article Link

In the late fall and early winter months, snow-covered mountains become infested with hunters. One ambitious pair climbed high up a mountain in search of their quarry. The trail crossed a small glacier that had crusted over. The lead hunter had to stomp a foot-hold in the snow, one step at a time, in order to cross the glacier.

Somewhere near the middle of the glacier, his next stomp hit not snow but a rock. The lead hunter lost his footing and fell. Down the crusty glacier he zipped, off the edge and out of sight.

Unable to help, his companion watched him slide away. After a while, he shouted out, "Are you OK?"

"Yes!" came the answer.

Reasoning that it was a quick way off the glacier, the second hunter plopped down and accelerated down the ice, following his friend. There, just over the edge of the glacier, was his friend...holding onto the top of a tree that barely protruded from the snow.

There were no other treetops nearby, nothing to grab, nothing but a hundred-foot drop onto the rocks below. As the second hunter shot past the first, he uttered his final epitaph: a single word, which we may not utter lest our mothers soap our mouths.


----------



## GAP (28 Mar 2012)

More of a dumb idea, but I couldn't find the dumb thread...... :

Man saws off foot to avoid work
By Reuters 
Article Link

VIENNA - An unemployed Austrian man sawed his foot off, apparently to avoid being found fit to go back to work.

Hours before an appointment on Monday for the labour office to check on his health, the 56-year-old man held his left leg against an electric saw in his home workshop and severed his foot just above the ankle, Austrian broadcaster ORF reported.

Bleeding profusely, the man from the province of Styria then threw the foot into an oven, hobbled to his garage and called an ambulance. An emergency operation was unable to reattach the foot, ORF said.
end


----------



## RememberanceDay (28 Mar 2012)

GAP said:
			
		

> More of a dumb idea, but I couldn't find the dumb thread...... :
> 
> Man saws off foot to avoid work
> By Reuters
> ...




Ultimate laziness.


----------



## PMedMoe (28 Mar 2012)

RemembranceDay said:
			
		

> Ultimate laziness.



Combined with ultimate craziness.


----------



## PMedMoe (29 Mar 2012)

Some old, some new.....

Why Marry?

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
__________

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
”Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
”Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.”
__________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
”Husband Wanted”.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:  ”You can have mine.”
__________

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
__________

A little boy asked his father,
”Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
Father replied, “I don't know son, I'm still paying.”
__________

A young son asked,
”Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?”
Dad replied, “That happens in every country, son.”
__________

Then there was a woman who said, ”I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.”
__________

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say – talk in your sleep.
__________

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.       :nod:
__________

First guy says, “My wife's an angel!”
Second guy remarks, “You're lucky, mine's still alive.”
__________

A Woman's Prayer

“Dear Lord,
I pray for wisdom to understand a man; to love and to forgive him; and for patience, for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for strength I'll just beat him to death!!”
__________

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, “Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.”

The blind man replies, “If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.”

 ;D


----------



## GAP (29 Mar 2012)

This Is AMAZING!!! 

           Until now I never fully understood how to tell The difference Between Male and Female Birds. I always thought it had to be determined surgically.  Until Now.  

           Below are Two Birds.. Study them closely...See If You Can Spot Which of The Two, Is The Female.  It can be done. Even by one with limited bird watching skills. ! 

                           * 


                           * 

                           * 

                           * 
Click on picture


----------



## 211RadOp (29 Mar 2012)

GAP said:
			
		

> This Is AMAZING!!!
> 
> Until now I never fully understood how to tell The difference Between Male and Female Birds. I always thought it had to be determined surgically.  Until Now.
> 
> ...



Goint out on a limb, I am going to guess the one on the right.


----------



## George Wallace (29 Mar 2012)

For the many Daves I know:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OtLL7pLM-yE







http://www.ottawacitizen.com/entertainment/Bureaucrats+video+lampoons+Ottawa+government+culture+with+video/6371817/story.html


----------



## Kalatzi (30 Mar 2012)

So Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer. 

 "German," she replies. 

"Occupation?" 

"No, just here for a few days."


----------



## PMedMoe (2 Apr 2012)

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old says, "You know what? I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. 

The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell in it and you say something with ass." 

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. 

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." 

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" 

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" 

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."


----------



## GAP (3 Apr 2012)

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

 Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

 The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

 Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

 A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

 The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

 The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
 So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

 The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

 The journalist leaves.

 The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

 U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS
 AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
 AND STEALS HIS LUNCH


----------



## PMedMoe (4 Apr 2012)

And we wonder why kids are so dumb:  Public education.   :facepalm:


----------



## OldSolduer (4 Apr 2012)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> And we wonder why kids are so dumb:  Public education.   :facepalm:



Yes can't you accept the teachings? CONFESS!!!!  >


----------



## PMedMoe (5 Apr 2012)

Stress (n.): the phenomenon caused when the brain's instinctual urge to scream, curse, and throw things is combated by the body's need to put on a happy face.

ullhair:

 :nod:


----------



## Loachman (5 Apr 2012)

http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2012/04/04/19594346.html

Drunk trio goes through carwash naked 

By Derek Bedry, QMI Agency 
    
A trio of drunk 20-year-olds won't face charges for going through an Abbotsford, B.C., carwash naked. (Shutterstock) 

VANCOUVER - Lucky for three drunk Abbotsford, B.C., men who went naked through a carwash, their records will remain squeaky clean. 

Midnight Wednesday, police responded to calls from Abbotsford residents who woke to the sounds of screams. 

“Somehow (the three men) found themselves outside a car wash, and conveniently there’s a shopping cart nearby,” said Const. Ian MacDonald. “They decided it would be a really good idea to strip down and run themselves and the cart through the car wash. Need I say they were intoxicated?” 

MacDonald said the trio, all 20 years old, told police they weren’t sure if they had pressed the “typhoon” or “super typhoon” setting, but “whatever they chose had the effect of pounding them with really cold water and effectively pressure-washing them.” 

“They did of course experience the effects of rotating bristles and likely warm soap, but it was the water that generated the greatest reaction, which was yelling and screaming that caused the neighbours to be awoken and call police,” MacDonald said. 

After making sure they were not injured and listening to their apologies for what they recognized was a poor life choice, police sent the three men home to sleep it off. 

MacDonald tweeted Wednesday: “Pressure washing yourself will not increase intelligence or sobriety.”


----------



## Danjanou (5 Apr 2012)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> And we wonder why kids are so dumb:  Public education.   :facepalm:



I needed that Moe. 1994, 18 years ago. Alex was probably kicked out school but has ammassed a fortune running his own business. The rest of his classmates alternate between saying "would you like fries with that" and lining up for their welfare cheques. The teacher has retired on a noice indexed pension and spends her time writing comments on the CBC website.


----------



## PMedMoe (7 Apr 2012)

JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN

A guy calls the company and orders their 5-day, 10 pound weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there before him stands
a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair
of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
after huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has
lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day, there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is
wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck
that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in
excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the
next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in
better and better shape.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
pound program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.

'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day, there's a knock at the door and, when he opens it, he
finds a huge, muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink
running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you,
you're mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week.


----------



## Rifleman62 (8 Apr 2012)

Another great day! 

Been to the gym, then had a nice shower. 

I've just picked up a bottle of home brew from one of the neighbours for this afternoon. 

I've got a few joints rolled up for the XBox tournament with the lads. 

After that I'll muck around online with some porn and gambling sites. 

Then to finish off the perfect day, it's a nice blow job before I go to bed. 

Damn, I love prison!


----------



## GAP (18 Apr 2012)

Somehow I think you should be able to name this song.  I couldn't.  Guess I'm not bad enough yet.
.
.
.
.
.
You'll  kick yourself!! Think harder!!!!!
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.


.




Can you name the song, just by  looking at the picture?  (answer in 1 hour)


----------



## Cardstonkid (20 Apr 2012)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5QaFd59bjCE


----------



## GAP (20 Apr 2012)

yep


----------



## alocin (20 Apr 2012)




----------



## Biohazardxj (21 Apr 2012)

GAP said:
			
		

> Somehow I think you should be able to name this song.  I couldn't.  Guess I'm not bad enough yet.
> .
> .
> .
> ...



If they stay in there too long it will be "Blue Moon"


----------



## JPye (21 Apr 2012)

Not sure if this had been posted yet, but I was entertained!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qhm7-LEBznk


----------



## Journeyman (22 Apr 2012)

Two words:

Over  Compensating    :


----------



## navymich (23 Apr 2012)

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." 
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife 
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." 

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.


----------



## PMedMoe (23 Apr 2012)

Scene from _Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows_ where the gypsies are getting Holmes and Watson into Germany on horseback (highlight mine):

Sherlock Holmes: Uh, hmm... Right. Where are the wagons? 
Madam Simza Heron: The wagon is too slow. Can't you ride? 
Dr. John Watson: It's not that he can't ride... How is it you put it, Holmes? 
Sherlock Holmes: They're dangerous at both ends and... crafty in the middle. Why would I want anything with a mind of its own bobbing about between my legs? 


 :rofl:


----------



## jollyjacktar (23 Apr 2012)

A Newfie  walked into a bank in Toronto and asked for the loans officer. He told the loans officer that he was going to Newfoundland on business for two weeks and needed to borrow  $5,000, however he was not a depositor of the  bank. The bank officer told him that the bank  would need some form of security for the loan,  so the Newfie handed over the keys to a new  Ferrari. 

The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.  The Newfie produced the  title and everything checked out. The loan  officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for  the loan and apologized for having to charge 12%  interest. 

Later, the bank's president  and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the  Newfie for using a $250,000 Ferrari as  collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the  bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's  underground garage and parked it. Two weeks  later, the Newfie returned, repaid the $5,000  and the interest of $23.07. 

The loan officer  said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your  business, and this transaction has worked out  very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While  you were away, we checked you out and found that  you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is,  why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'  


The  Newfie replied: 'Where else in Toronto can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'


----------



## uptheglens (23 Apr 2012)

An old video, but it still makes me snicker like a naughty schoolboy every time I see it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXPQY_VRP6M


----------



## GAP (23 Apr 2012)

uptheglens said:
			
		

> An old video, but it still makes me snicker like a naughty schoolboy every time I see it.
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXPQY_VRP6M



 :rofl:


----------



## jollyjacktar (24 Apr 2012)

uptheglens said:
			
		

> An old video, but it still makes me snicker like a naughty schoolboy every time I see it.
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXPQY_VRP6M


Every time I see that one I laugh so hard it makes my guts hurt.  Thanks for sharing.  +300!


----------



## jollyjacktar (24 Apr 2012)

Stevie Starr, "The Regurgitator" from Britain's Got Talent 2010.  auditionsemi final  Have seen him before, he's amazing.


----------



## PMedMoe (24 Apr 2012)

With a name like "The Regurgitator", I'm not even going to click on the link.   :-X


----------



## jollyjacktar (24 Apr 2012)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> With a name like "The Regurgitator", I'm not even going to click on the link.   :-X


He has a fascinating talent, honest.  And all items come back dry.  It's not that gross, just eye popping.


----------



## PMedMoe (25 Apr 2012)

GAP said:
			
		

> Somehow I think you should be able to name this song.  I couldn't.  Guess I'm not bad enough yet.
> 
> You'll  kick yourself!! Think harder!!!!!
> 
> Can you name the song, just by  looking at the picture?  (answer in 1 hour)



So, what the hell was it?   ???


Here's one.  I'm sure we've met at least one of each type.

"There are three kinds of people; those who learn by reading, those who learn by observing and those who touch the fire to see if it's really hot."

 ;D


----------



## GAP (25 Apr 2012)

Moonriver


----------



## PMedMoe (25 Apr 2012)

GAP said:
			
		

> Moonriver



 :facepalm:

Funny.


----------



## Jarnhamar (25 Apr 2012)

For army.ca grammar nazis


----------



## Loachman (25 Apr 2012)

http://www.duffelblog.com/2012/04/fleshlights-issued-to-male-soldiers-in-bid-to-decrease-combat-zone-pregnancies/


----------



## Rifleman62 (26 Apr 2012)

Redneck Father
  
A Redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby. 

Upon arriving he sits down, and the nurse says, "Congratulations, your wife has had quins, 5 big baby boys." 

The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney." 

The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, the babies are black."


----------



## PMedMoe (27 Apr 2012)

So true.....






 >


----------



## Fishbone Jones (27 Apr 2012)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> So true.....
> 
> 
> 
> ...



There supposed to be a family? 

I thought they were successful engagements with my truck :

Now I have to scrape mine off the back window :facepalm:


----------



## Journeyman (27 Apr 2012)

No, that's _this one_...  :nod:


----------



## TN2IC (29 Apr 2012)

Pure fu****** awesome!!!!


----------



## jollyjacktar (30 Apr 2012)

The testicles of a Newfoundland midget hurt and ached all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about this.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he'd have a look. The midget dropped his pants.

The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.  The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the 
midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.  "Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors.  Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side ... then snip-snip-snip-snip 
on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and 
discovered his boys were no longer aching. 

The doctor said," How does that feel now?"The midget replied, "Perfect Doc , and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"  The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your rubber boots."


----------



## Kalatzi (1 May 2012)

Respduduced under the fair dealings provision of the copyright act 
from Time - Link here
http://battleland.blogs.time.com/2012/05/01/how-u-s-commanders-deal-with-their-military-allies/#more-72877

We’re all familiar with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and her five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and, finally, acceptance.

Well, over at Best Defense, Tom Ricks has come up with a similar construct detailing the six stages U.S. military commanders go through in their dealings with their local counterparts in Afghanistan and Iraq:

1. Upon arrival: “Ok, Ahmed, Mohammed, whatever your name is, there’s a new sheriff in town — and you’re looking at him.”

2. Weeks later: “Colonel Localguy, Major Otherguy, please sit down. Here is a Powerpoint briefing on what you’re gonna do.”

3. Weeks more later: “Ok, I got it. I can be sensitive! So, colonel, this is what we are gonna do.”

4. Many weeks more: “Now that I am beginning to understand this place, this is what I think we should do.”

5. Months into the tour: “I’m at my wits’ end. What do you think we should do?”

6. Near end of tour: “Before we leave, is there anything I can do to help you achieve your goals?”

Repeat with each rotation until the American people tire of the war.


----------



## GAP (2 May 2012)

Out for the night

We were dressed and ready to go out for the Party.  We turned
 on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet  parakeet
 and put the cat in the backyard.

 We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.  The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

 As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scooted  back into the house.  We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she  always tries to eat the bird.

 My wife went on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.  Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night , so she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon, saying 
 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

 A few minutes later, I got into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said,  as we drove away.  'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out!  She tried to take off,
 so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.  But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs  and threw her out into the back yard!  She'd better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'

 The silence in the cab was deafening.


----------



## TN2IC (2 May 2012)

Whenever I want to tell my kids where to go... I just crank up the speakers and play this video.  They "usually" get the point after the first minute on repeat.    :evil:


----------



## Rifleman62 (2 May 2012)

VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND (Sure it was)


John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!" 


That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! 


He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night." 


She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" 


John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." 


"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. 


The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary." 


She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."


----------



## PPCLI Guy (9 May 2012)

Kinda says it all...


----------



## Rifleman62 (10 May 2012)

Sensible Observations 


1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather -- who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car.'
--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: 
'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.'
--Author Unknown

3) 'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that. 
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.'
--Drew Carey

4) 'The problem with the designated driver program, it's 
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house.'
--Jeff Foxworthy 

5) 'If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.'
--Dave Barry 

6) 'Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and 
we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice,
there should be severance pay, the day before they leave
you, and they should have to find you a temp.' 
--Bob Ettinger 

7) 'My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.''
--Paula Poundstone--


8) 'A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the 
authors of that study: 'Duh.'
--Conan O'Brien 

9) 'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
I could be eating a slow learner.'
--Lynda Montgomery

10) 'I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.''
--Richard Jeni 

11) 'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead.'
--Johnny Carson

12) 'Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.' 
--Paul Rodriguez

13) 'My parents didn't want to move to Florida ,
but they turned 60 and that's the law.' 
--Jerry Seinfeld 

14) 'Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people burn slower?'
--Warren Hutcherson 

15) 'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same.' 
--Oscar Wilde 

16) 'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
member of Congress (or a school board). But I repeat myself.' 
--Mark Twain 

17) 'Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. 
At least they can find Afghanistan.'
--A. Whitney Brown 

18) 'You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
and the dog will give you a look that says, 
'My God, you're right!
I never would've thought of that!''
--Dave Barry 

19) Do you know why they call it 'PMS'?
Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was taken. 
-- Unknown ... presumed deceased

20) 'Everybody's got to believe in something
I believe I'll have another beer.' 
--W. C. Fields 

And lastly: Why in the hell should I have to 'Press 1 for English?' 
--Every American


----------



## Sadukar09 (10 May 2012)

Told by a fellow private on BMQ pre-grad party...true story.

I saw a Captain walking down the street. On the opposite side, a Corporal walked past. 

The Captain shouted across the street, ordering the Corporal to come over.

When the Corporal got over, the Captain started berating him for not saluting him.

The Captain ordered the poor Corporal to salute him 100 times.

"100 sir!"

"Dismissed Corporal!"

"Hold on a moment Corporal..."

Just as the Corporal was about to leave, the CWO watching the whole thing nearby spoke up...

"Now sir, please return the 100 salutes."


----------



## Sythen (10 May 2012)

Sadukar09 said:
			
		

> Told by a fellow private on BMQ pre-grad party...true story.
> 
> I saw a Captain walking down the street. On the opposite side, a Corporal walked past.
> 
> ...



haha I would have loved to see the look on that officer's face!


----------



## PMedMoe (11 May 2012)

Drinking & Driving
     
I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.  As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
     
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many martinis and some rather nice red wine.  Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.
     
Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.  I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

 :blotto:   ;D


----------



## LineJumper (12 May 2012)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> Drinking & Driving
> 
> I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
> 
> :blotto:   ;D



This brings a big smile and a memory from Pet in the early 90's. "No names no packdrill".  :blotto:


----------



## observor 69 (15 May 2012)

Foam party at Eglin

A reddit user uploaded this photo of a hangar at Eglin Air Force Base, Fla., that had a rather unfortunate mishap. Reportedly, a spark set off the hangar’s fire suppression system, covering the A-10, F-15 and F-16 in foam.  You can only imagine the fun the maintenance crew had cleaning up the mess.

http://militarytimes.com/blogs/flightlines/2012/05/15/foam-party-at-eglin/#.T7J8_VxNANQ.twitter


----------



## GAP (15 May 2012)

Baden  Guy said:
			
		

> Foam party at Eglin
> 
> A reddit user uploaded this photo of a hangar at Eglin Air Force Base, Fla., that had a rather unfortunate mishap. Reportedly, a spark set off the hangar’s fire suppression system, covering the A-10, F-15 and F-16 in foam.  You can only imagine the fun the maintenance crew had cleaning up the mess.



But no fire....


----------



## LineJumper (15 May 2012)

GAP said:
			
		

> But no fire....



Better a simple spark than a major flash methinks.


----------



## TN2IC (15 May 2012)

If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it


----------



## TN2IC (15 May 2012)

Pokémon® trainer is not an MOSID..


----------



## TN2IC (15 May 2012)

Grammar Nazi...


----------



## PMedMoe (16 May 2012)

Lamborghini driver's embarrassing high-speed turn

Video at link

 :rofl:


----------



## TN2IC (16 May 2012)

I did my EXPRES test today. The PSP lady decide to pace us the first level or two. I got to one line and heard "Thump". The PSP lady did a face plant into the floor. I was laughing too hard during the test.


 ;D


Such a show off...


----------



## PMedMoe (17 May 2012)

I miss the Gummy Bears from Germany......    :'(


----------



## 2010newbie (17 May 2012)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> I miss the Gummy Bears from Germany......    :'(



Haribo? There are a lot of local places that are starting to sell them. Saw a big bag at Wal-Mart the other day too.


----------



## PMedMoe (17 May 2012)

2010newbie said:
			
		

> Haribo? There are a lot of local places that are starting to sell them. Saw a big bag at Wal-Mart the other day too.



Cool, thanks.


----------



## observor 69 (19 May 2012)

U.S.Navy releases Al Qaeda Terrorist

I can’ t believe it!!!!!

The US Navy today announced that it has released a senior Al Qaeda terrorist after questioning him extensively for 27 days while being held prisoner aboard a US aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea .

In a humanitarian gesture, the terrorist was given $50 US and a white 1962 Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from custody.

The attached photo shows the terrorist on his way home just after being released by the Navy.


----------



## jollyjacktar (23 May 2012)

A Canadian Army Officer was about to start the morning briefing to all of his staff. 

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the officer decided to pose a question to all assembled. 
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before, and therefore he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question;  "How much of the act of sex is "work," and how much is "pure pleasure"?

A Captain chimed in with a 75-25% in favour of 'work'. 

A Lieutenant said it was probably about 50-50%.

A Warrant-Officer responded with a 25-75% in favour of 'pleasure', depending 
upon his state of inebriation at the time. 

There being no consensus, the Officer turned to the Newfie private who was in charge of making the coffee. 
What was HIS opinion?

  Without any hesitation, the young Newfie responded,
"Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure, Sir."

The Officer seemed a little surprised and as you might guess, asked, "And why is that, soldier" ?

 "Well, Sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them, Sir". 
  
The room fell silent.   God Bless the Newfie.


----------



## TN2IC (23 May 2012)

Grammar Nazis... 

I﻿ did nazi this coming!

I don't like Jew jokes Anne Frankly, they are not in﻿ Mein Kampfort zone.

 ;D


----------



## TN2IC (23 May 2012)

I'm Führerious that you keep﻿ making nazi jokes.


These jokes are seriously crossing﻿ the rhein


----------



## TN2IC (24 May 2012)

;D


----------



## 57Chevy (26 May 2012)

Spotted this on Gentleman's Military Interest Club
interesting site and quite well done:
http://gmic.co.uk/

I got a good laugh at this, check it out.
Amendment to Awards ( New Ribbon System)
http://gmic.co.uk/index.php?app=core&module=attach&section=attach&attach_rel_module=post&attach_id=233334


----------



## Rifleman62 (28 May 2012)

*The 11th Husband *

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin." 

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" 

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. 

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. 

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. 

Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing;  even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. 

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process, but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method. 

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. 

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it. 

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it. 

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it. 

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was ........... God, how I miss him. 

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited." 

"Wonderful," said the husband, "but why? 

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT".. 

This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED.


----------



## PMedMoe (28 May 2012)

Vegan zombies......






 ;D


----------



## TN2IC (30 May 2012)

Let's eat grandma.
Let's eat, grandma.
Punctuation saves lives.


----------



## TN2IC (30 May 2012)

Don't mock our military


----------



## TN2IC (1 Jun 2012)

Alright, I just have to announce that my post about anti Christian image was very unacceptable. I do apologize to everyone and the member that I upsetted. Hopfully the Mods can remove the image soon.

Regards,
Macey


----------



## Bruce Monkhouse (1 Jun 2012)

It was reported to us and we all agreed that it was funny stuff................one could insert whatever religion, or thing, one wanted in the poster.
It wasn't Christian bashing, it was just a joke............some people need to know the difference.


----------



## vonGarvin (1 Jun 2012)

Bruce Monkhouse said:
			
		

> *some people need to know the difference*



Message received.   


:sarcasm:


----------



## Bruce Monkhouse (1 Jun 2012)

TK,......if that poster has said "Muslim" or "NDHQ type",...would you have reported it??
If the answer is yes, than you have a legitimate beef,...if the answer is no, than that is being thin-skinned.


----------



## Danjanou (1 Jun 2012)




----------



## vonGarvin (1 Jun 2012)




----------



## TN2IC (1 Jun 2012)

Maverick: Talk to me, Goose.


----------



## Sythen (1 Jun 2012)

Macey said:
			
		

> GOOSE!



Duck, Duck, Goose.


----------



## vonGarvin (1 Jun 2012)




----------



## 57Chevy (2 Jun 2012)

;D


----------



## Rifleman62 (7 Jun 2012)

I CAN REMEMBER MOST OF THESE:  


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. 
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside...I just finished cleaning.”, 

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. 
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”, 

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. 
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!”, 

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. 
"Because I said so, that's why.”, 

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.”, 

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. 
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.”, 

7. My mother taught me IRONY. 
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.”, 

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. 
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”, 

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM. 
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”, 

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”, 

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. 
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”, 

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. 
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!”, 

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. 
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”, 

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. 
"Stop acting like your father!”, 

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. 
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.”, 

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. 
"Just wait until we get home.”, 

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. 
"You are going to get it when you get home!”, 

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. 
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”, 

19. My mother taught me ESP. 
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?”, 

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. 
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.”, 

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. 
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.”, 

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. 
"You're just like your father.”, 

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. 
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”, 

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. 
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.”, 

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. 
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”


Only you folks my age understand these profound statements!   But, there is one missing from this list.  My personal all-time favorite!... 

My mother taught me about CHOICE. 
"Do you want me to stop this car?"


----------



## DexOlesa (7 Jun 2012)

Heh. I remember most of those and I'm 25, though to be fair while most did come from my mother, some would be Grandma.


----------



## Journeyman (8 Jun 2012)

Sadly, it doesn't seem confined to the Recruiting threads.  :not-again:


----------



## jollyjacktar (11 Jun 2012)

The Ex-pat's Dilemma

I was in London....and 

I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read

'I miss South Africa'.

So I broke the window, took the radio and left a note that read,

'I hope this helps'


----------



## PMedMoe (11 Jun 2012)

The image is quite large, so here's the link: http://www.meh.ro/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/meh.ro9970.png (click on it for magnification)

 :rofl:


----------



## GAP (11 Jun 2012)

He does know how to get his goat..... ;D


----------



## fraserdw (11 Jun 2012)

jollyjacktar said:
			
		

> The Ex-pat's Dilema
> 
> I was in London....and
> 
> ...



Somehow I think he means the South Africa before marjority rule!  I appreciate the humour though!!!


----------



## Journeyman (12 Jun 2012)

fraserdw said:
			
		

> Somehow I think he means the South Africa before marjority rule!


Ohhhhhh, _now_ I get it. Here I thought he was referring to a jigsaw puzzle atlas.....and the pieces south of Zimbabwe were missing.   

Thank you for helping us dullards along.   :nod:


----------



## GAP (12 Jun 2012)

Shampoo Warning! You must read!

It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!!

INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT!!!!

WARNING TO US ALL!!!


Shampoo Warning!
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!
I use shampoo in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and
Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

"FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."

No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and
I am going to start showering with Dawn dish
soap instead. Its label reads,

"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!


----------



## Rifleman62 (12 Jun 2012)

Transportation in Heaven

And it came to pass that an angel came up to three newly-dead men and said - "You are all to be allocated a method for transportation around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."

The angel looked at the first guy, Dave, and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man in life. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge."

The angel next looked at the second guy, Jon, and said, "You were not as sinful, but you still cheated on your wife twice. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."

The angel finally looked at our hero, Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife. For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."

A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari. There he is, sitting on the bonnet, his head in his hands, crying.

"What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You're set forever! Why so down?"

Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth, and said, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard."


----------



## Rifleman62 (14 Jun 2012)

A joke from a woman's perspective.

Bagpiper 


As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a 

funeral director to play at a graveside service for a 

homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service 

was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back 

country. 



As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and 

being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally 

arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently 

gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. 



There were only the diggers and crew left, and they were 

eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the men for being 

late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down, and 

the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else 

to do, so I started to play. 



The workers put down their lunches and began to gather 

around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no 

family and friends. I played like I've never played before 

for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace," the 

workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept 

together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and 

started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was 

full. 



As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the 

workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and 

I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." 



Why can't men just ask for directions?


----------



## cupper (14 Jun 2012)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> The image is quite large, so here's the link: http://www.meh.ro/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/meh.ro9970.png (click on it for magnification)
> 
> :rofl:



The engineer in me says that the simple solution and most suitable (read karmic) solution would be to replace the window glass with mirrored glass. >


----------



## agc (18 Jun 2012)




----------



## PMedMoe (18 Jun 2012)

:rofl:   :rofl:


----------



## Jimmy_D (18 Jun 2012)

Just forwarded that to a guy about to leave on his HHT. LOL Thanks.


----------



## 211RadOp (18 Jun 2012)

agc said:
			
		

>



Passed to my Sqn 2IC to ensure he follows the guidelines  :nod:


----------



## PMedMoe (18 Jun 2012)

:rofl:


----------



## Rifleman62 (24 Jun 2012)

DIVORCE SETTLEMENT 

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. 

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things. 

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of spring-water. 

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods. 

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left. 

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss. 

Then, slowly, the house began to smell. 


They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. 

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. 

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit. 

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. 

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house. 

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. 

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. 

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house. 

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day. 

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork. 

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ... 


and just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods !!! 


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU...?


----------



## vonGarvin (26 Jun 2012)




----------



## vonGarvin (26 Jun 2012)




----------



## SoldierInAYear (27 Jun 2012)

The doctor said I could only have one glass a day, and I told him "no problem!"


----------



## PMedMoe (27 Jun 2012)

Yep, start 'em early.   :nod:


----------



## Eye In The Sky (28 Jun 2012)

;D


----------



## cupper (28 Jun 2012)

Quote from an Anglican priest during debates over blessing of same sex marriage within the church:

"If Assholes could fly, this place would be an airport."


----------



## vonGarvin (28 Jun 2012)




----------



## PMedMoe (29 Jun 2012)

:cheers:


----------



## cupper (29 Jun 2012)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> :cheers:



Is it a bad sign that my liver shuddered when I read that? :dunno:


----------



## Danjanou (30 Jun 2012)

cupper said:
			
		

> Is it a bad sign that my liver shuddered when I read that? :dunno:



You still have a liver? noob. 8)


----------



## cupper (30 Jun 2012)

Danjanou said:
			
		

> You still have a liver? noob. 8)



It's my second one. ;D


----------



## navymich (30 Jun 2012)

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS 
                    

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school... 

One child wrote the following: 

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. 
They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore! 

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. 

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. 

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. 

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts! 

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds. 

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. 

The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. 

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. 

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.

Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.


----------



## vonGarvin (30 Jun 2012)




----------



## PPCLI Guy (1 Jul 2012)

cupper said:
			
		

> Is it a bad sign that my liver shuddered when I read that? :dunno:



The liver is evil and must be punished!


----------



## Vyscaria (1 Jul 2012)

http://s16.postimage.org/qb2tnnxcj/How_CF_trades_react_to_snakes.png

I made this a few months ago as a joke after completing BMQ... Some of text this is based on is probably floating around here somewhere already, though I did add my own personal flair. 
I only showed it to members of my course, but maybe you peeps will find it funny too.

2 inside jokes here:

1. On my course, the clerks scored very well on PWT1 and PWT2. Yes, better than the combat arms guys. Respect. 
2. There were no weapons techs on the course, and a running joke was that if one was there, they'd get harassed constantly by the weaponsinspections!crazy course staff. We even made up an imaginary weapons tech and credited him when we all passed weapons cleaning inspections.


----------



## vonGarvin (1 Jul 2012)




----------



## Old Sweat (1 Jul 2012)

Here is a link to our national anthem being played on empty Molson Canadian cans and bottles.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBI68Il4Zsc&feature=youtu.be

An alternate link:

http://youtu.be/FBI68Il4Zsc


----------



## vonGarvin (1 Jul 2012)

Old Sweat said:
			
		

> Here is a link to our national anthem being played on empty Molson Canadian cans and bottles.
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBI68Il4Zsc&feature=youtu.be
> 
> ...


Amazing!


----------



## cupper (1 Jul 2012)

Another argument for the US ending the death penalty. This time it's very compelling.


----------



## vonGarvin (3 Jul 2012)

This is just too funny.


----------



## PPCLI Guy (3 Jul 2012)

14.8m....on my knees


----------



## vonGarvin (9 Jul 2012)

The Quick Brown Fox jumped over the Lazy Dog


----------



## PMedMoe (9 Jul 2012)

;D


----------



## Rifleman62 (9 Jul 2012)

Somalia Cruise


----------



## PMedMoe (10 Jul 2012)

To go along with all those "People of Wal-Mart" emails....


----------



## vonGarvin (12 Jul 2012)

United Nations initiated a poll in which people from all around the world were asked for their honest opinion regarding lack of food in rest of the world.

The poll was a failure: Russians didn't know the meaning of "ask", South-Americans didn't understand "honest", Chinese were unfamiliar with the word "opinion", Europeans didn't know "lack", Africans had never heard of "food", and Americans knew nothing about "rest of the world."


----------



## Maxadia (12 Jul 2012)

Rifleman62 said:
			
		

> Somalia Cruise



Not a bad idea, if only the legalities could be worked out.  ;D


----------



## PMedMoe (12 Jul 2012)

Only cancer?  I think it would make my eyes melt, my heart stop and my head explode....


----------



## PMedMoe (16 Jul 2012)

Sean is the pastor of a Church of England parish on the Northern Ireland/Southern Ireland border and Patrick is the priest in the Roman Catholic Church across the road.

One day they are seen together, pounding a sign into the ground, which says:

TA END IS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
AFOR IT IS TOO LATE!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Irish religious nutters! We don't need your lectures!"

From the next curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Rev. Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Pastor Sean agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say, 'Bridge Out?'"


----------



## GAP (17 Jul 2012)

Wal-Mart Car Show -‏


----------



## GAP (17 Jul 2012)

More


----------



## GAP (17 Jul 2012)

and more


----------



## NavyShooter (17 Jul 2012)




----------



## GAP (19 Jul 2012)

A good laugh for people in the over 50 group !!! 


When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space. 


That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting World. 


My phone was  beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag. 


The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud. 


I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely  tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.. 
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me. 


To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings. 


The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of  those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me. 


Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."


----------



## Journeyman (19 Jul 2012)

GAP said:
			
		

> ..... still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.


I'd heard that when the guy who invented the TV remote died, he was buried between two sofa cushions.   :nod:


----------



## Rifleman62 (24 Jul 2012)

Husband took the wife to a dance on the weekend.  

There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large - breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.  

The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he  proposed to me and I turned him down."  

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!


----------



## Cardstonkid (25 Jul 2012)

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.


No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'


FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole’s name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.


THERE YOU HAVE IT...and remember, life is good.


----------



## TN2IC (27 Jul 2012)

Captain Obvious


----------



## Rifleman62 (27 Jul 2012)

Husband says to wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I'll wear Gold tonight."

Wife says, "Why not wear Silver and finish second for a change."


----------



## vonGarvin (1 Aug 2012)

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hey George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"


----------



## TN2IC (1 Aug 2012)

Olympic divers on the toilet


----------



## Rifleman62 (2 Aug 2012)

The wife left a note on the fridge: 

“It’s not working, I can’t take it anymore!
Gone to stay at my Dad’s."

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.

Not sure what she was talking about!


----------



## Rifleman62 (3 Aug 2012)

I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century ' they said.  'We don't waste money on newspapers.  Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that damn fly never knew what hit it...


----------



## cupper (3 Aug 2012)

Rifleman62 said:
			
		

> I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
> 
> 'This is the 21st century ' they said.  'We don't waste money on newspapers.  Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
> 
> I can tell you, that damn fly never knew what hit it...


 :rofl:


----------



## Retired AF Guy (4 Aug 2012)

Rifleman62 said:
			
		

> I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
> 
> 'This is the 21st century ' they said.  'We don't waste money on newspapers.  Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
> 
> I can tell you, that damn fly never knew what hit it...



Hilarious!


----------



## jollyjacktar (5 Aug 2012)

I understand that Rita MacNeil has been tragically killed in an aviation accident.  She was wearing a Malcolm X tee shirt near the Sydney Airport, and a helicopter landed on her...


----------



## GAP (5 Aug 2012)

Old Ads - We'll Never See Again !


----------



## cupper (5 Aug 2012)

Mmmm.

Nothing says morning like a hot steaming bowl of sanitized tapeworms.

Yummmmmy


----------



## FlyingDutchman (6 Aug 2012)

Huh, and all this time I thought pickled tape works were the way to go.


----------



## GAP (6 Aug 2012)

A few more Old Ads - We'll Never See Again !


----------



## vonGarvin (6 Aug 2012)

Now that we have a theme:


----------



## TN2IC (7 Aug 2012)

New NASA image


----------



## Rifleman62 (9 Aug 2012)

CANADIAN HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions ..

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Canada ’s third language.

Children from two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.

Brampton schoolgirl expelled for not wearing a Burqa: Sharia law must be enforced.

Japan announces that Japanese will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and workers in the scientific research fleet are unemployed.
Canadian Government has told the Japanese that Grey and Black Squirrels taste like whale meat.

Canada now has ten Universities of Political Correctness. Professor Goldman Of U of T says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people Saying what they think.

Canada 's deficit $20 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

Wall Street banks merge to form new super bank, Goldman Rothschild Ebeneezer Epstein Drescher (GREED): Huge bonuses paid to executives to celebrate launch.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Iran still quarantined.. Physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. No other country has volunteered to come forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.

Canada Post raises price of stamps to $28 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After a ten year $175.8 billion study, commissioned by the Liberal Party, Scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of a Canadian male drops to 252 lbs.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil and human Rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven Inches.

New Canadian Liberal government law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and Rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons..

Revenue Canada sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent.

Toronto Maple Leafs won this year’s Ontario Senior A cup final beating the Brampton Hindu Hornets 4-1.


----------



## GAP (10 Aug 2012)

Dead Penguins - I never knew this!


    Did you ever wonder why there are no dead  penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
    Where do they go?

    Wonder no more ! !
                !
    It is a known fact that the penguin is a  very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and  complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as  well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring  throughout its life.

    If a penguin is found dead on the
                ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been
                known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and
                beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled
                into, and buried.

    The male penguins then gather in a circle
                around the fresh grave and
              sing:


    "Freeze a jolly good fellow."

    "Freeze a jolly good fellow."


    You really didn't believe that I know anything about  penguins, did you?

    It's so easy to fool OLD people.

    I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!!
     


    Oh quit whining I fell for it, too  ;D


----------



## cupper (10 Aug 2012)

Cheers to you sir. You just brightened my otherwise crappy past couple of days.

Milpoints inbound.


----------



## jollyjacktar (16 Aug 2012)

From an email I received today.  Shared under the fair dealings provision of Sec. 29 of Copyright Act.   ;D

THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the  Miami Herald. 

Colonoscopy Journal: 

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.  A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the  colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through   Minneapolis. 

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,  reassuring and patient manner.  I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'   I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for  a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.  I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's
enemies... 

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.  Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.  In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I  had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.   Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.  You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.  (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons).  Then you have to drink the whole jug.  This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. 

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'  This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. 

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?  This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.  You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.  You eliminate everything.  And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. 

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. 

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.  Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurts.  I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'  How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough. 

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.. 

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.  Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.  Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.  At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.  You would have no choice but to burn your house. 

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.  I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.  I was seriously nervous at this point.  Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.  There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA.  I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate. 

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.  'Ha ha,' I said.  And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade..  If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. 
I have no idea.  Really.  I slept through it.  One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.  Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.  I felt excellent.  I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.  

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: 

1.  Take it easy Doc. You ’ re boldly going where no man has gone before. 

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'   

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?' 

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?' 

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.' 

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?' 

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...' 

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!' 

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!' 

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.' 

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?' 

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.' 

And the best one of all: 

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'


----------



## Davionn (16 Aug 2012)

:rofl:


----------



## Danjanou (16 Aug 2012)




----------



## TN2IC (16 Aug 2012)

meow...


----------



## GAP (17 Aug 2012)

Funny, Stupid and Banned Commercials......

http://www.rtbot.net/play.php?id=Xv1tMioGgXI


----------



## GAP (18 Aug 2012)

A lesson in irony...

        The Food Bank Program, administered by Social Welfare Canada, is actually proud of the fact it is distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food vouchers ever!
         
        Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the Canada Parks and Natural Resources, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals." 
        Their stated reason for the policy is because the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.
         
        This ends today's lesson!


----------



## Sigs Pig (20 Aug 2012)

Only to be a DR....

ME


----------



## OldSolduer (20 Aug 2012)

GAP said:
			
		

> A lesson in irony...
> 
> The Food Bank Program, administered by Social Welfare Canada, is actually proud of the fact it is distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food vouchers ever!
> 
> ...



Amen brother.


----------



## Rifleman62 (28 Aug 2012)

IRS tax return rejection 

I just received my tax return for 2011 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!!

They are questioning how many dependents I claimed. I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
I replied:

12 million illegal immigrants;
3 million crack heads;
42 million unemployed people on food stamps,
535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate.
and 1 useless President.”

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?


----------



## observor 69 (31 Aug 2012)

WHO IS JACK  SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'! 
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.  

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.  

They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.  

The deeply religious couple produced six children:

Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her  parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.  
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. 
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. 
The wedding announcement in the ne wspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg,  Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the  world. 
He recently returned from Italy  with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, You don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

.


----------



## 57Chevy (5 Sep 2012)

Impossibilities in the world

Ha !


----------



## GAP (5 Sep 2012)

Suicide Bomber Gets Shot Out Of a Cannon At a Drone, Misses
Article Link

ISLAMABAD, PAKISTAN (The Global Edition) — Due to a lack of funding by major terrorist organizations, a shadowy militant group attempted to take down a U.S. drone by firing out one of its suicide bombers from an actual cannon directly at it, near the capital of Pakistan earlier this week, sources say.

The attempt of a group calling itself the Al-Poorah Front resulted in a complete failure as the marksmen missed the drone and blasted 18-year-old Ashur Abu-Khalid into a nearby building, causing serious injuries to young Pakistani and a minor damage to the building.

The group issued a statement recorded on a VHS tape and then uploaded via dial-up to their Livejournal page: “This was a message to all the big terrorist organizations out there so they can see our willingness and dedication to fight the infidels,” read a distorted voice, with black text scrolling across a white screen and Islamic chanting playing in the background.

The distorted voice also said that the “terrorist game isn’t really easy for poor countries who don’t have any special outside funding, but they are looking and willing to talk with foreign investors so they can organize proper terrorist attacks like plane takeovers with bomb wired vests, so they don’t have to waste any more valuable men by firing them out of old cannons at silly drones.”

The Al-Poorah Front has claimed past attacks through statements posted on militant websites, taking credits for such acts as “throwing a rock through a window at a NATO base”, “Letting the air out of tires of U.S. soldiers’ vehicles, then scratching them with keys” and most notorious of all “burning an American flag in a dark and deserted alley”.
end


----------



## Rifleman62 (6 Sep 2012)

*One-question IQ Test*
  
Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. 

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...
















He opens his mouth and says. 'I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses.' If you got this wrong, please turn off your computer and call it a day.
I've got mine shutting down right now.
(You know you missed it too, so shut down your computer).


----------



## Sigs Pig (7 Sep 2012)

Another Amazon.com funny...
Banana Slicer

Read the reviews at the bottom of the page.  HA!

ME


----------



## jollyjacktar (7 Sep 2012)

Sigs Pig said:
			
		

> Another Amazon.com funny...
> Banana Slicer
> 
> Read the reviews at the bottom of the page.  HA!
> ...



Good catch, love that Amazon humour.  300+


----------



## Rifleman62 (8 Sep 2012)

Listen to this actual radio gun ad in Texas . It's only a minute long - stay on, it gets better at the end. Keller's Riverside Gun Store in Mason , Texas . This is a real commercial ad. 

http://biggeekdad.com/2011/10/kellers-riverside-store/


----------



## Retired AF Guy (8 Sep 2012)

Rifleman62 said:
			
		

> Listen to this actual radio gun ad in Texas . It's only a minute long - stay on, it gets better at the end. Keller's Riverside Gun Store in Mason , Texas . This is a real commercial ad.
> 
> http://biggeekdad.com/2011/10/kellers-riverside-store/



I'm betting they don't have Human Rights Committees/Commissions in that part of Texas.


----------



## jollyjacktar (9 Sep 2012)

Rifleman62 said:
			
		

> Listen to this actual radio gun ad in Texas . It's only a minute long - stay on, it gets better at the end. Keller's Riverside Gun Store in Mason , Texas . This is a real commercial ad.
> 
> http://biggeekdad.com/2011/10/kellers-riverside-store/


He is at least up front about his intentions and customer base.  I expect no less from a Texan.


----------



## a_majoor (9 Sep 2012)

The unexpected downside to Kickstarter:

http://www.nbcnews.com/technology/gadgetbox/16-kickstarter-projects-could-destroy-civilization-974501



> *16 Kickstarter projects that could destroy civilization*
> 
> Sure, these projects seem quirky now, but that scrappy amateur fusion reactor might blow up the Earth. Fund at your own risk.
> 
> ...


----------



## zulu95 (10 Sep 2012)

A very funny story I found a while ago. Likely fake but still makes me laugh.

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a U.S. naval ship with the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland October 1995. 

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations10-10-95.

Canadians:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North.

Canadians:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians:
No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN,THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians:
We are a lighthouse, your call.


----------



## Journeyman (10 Sep 2012)

zulu95 said:
			
		

> Canadians:
> We are a lighthouse, your call.





> *The Obstinate Lighthouse*
> Status: False


http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthouse.asp


----------



## Fishbone Jones (10 Sep 2012)

Journeyman said:
			
		

> http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthouse.asp



Not to mention how many times it's been posted on this site.


----------



## Loachman (10 Sep 2012)

Hey - he only just joined. He hasn't had any time to read _a - n - y - t - h - i - n - g_ before making his first post yet.


----------



## Pat in Halifax (10 Sep 2012)

You gotta admit - It's a gooder.


----------



## vonGarvin (10 Sep 2012)

So, question.

You're in a room, and with you in that room is Adolf Hitler, and a guy who won't turn off the sound to the buttons on his iPhone.  You are able to kill one, and only one of them.



Here's the question:


Do you give the iPhone to Hitler, or do you keep it to yourself?


----------



## GAP (10 Sep 2012)

keep it, he already got his message out....


----------



## TN2IC (11 Sep 2012)

;D


----------



## TN2IC (11 Sep 2012)

British Army Answering Machine  ;D She sounds pretty hot on the phone.


Blokes having fun


----------



## cupper (11 Sep 2012)

Want to freak out your neighbors?

Rename your Wifi - "FBI Surveillance Van"

 ;D


----------



## SoldierInAYear (12 Sep 2012)




----------



## TN2IC (12 Sep 2012)

;D


----------



## Eye In The Sky (13 Sep 2012)

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said 'Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' 

The little girl who had just started to read her book replied to the total stranger, 'What would you want to talk about?' 

'Oh, I don't know' said the atheist, 'How about why there is not God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?' as he smiled smugly.

'OK' she said. ‘Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff ~ grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?' 

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says 'Hmmmm, I have no idea.' 

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?'


----------



## TN2IC (13 Sep 2012)

I'm an atheist and found that was an awesome joke. Love it. Milpoints for that one!
 :rofl:


----------



## cupper (13 Sep 2012)

Macey said:
			
		

> I'm an atheist and found that was an awesome joke. Love it. Milpoints for that one!
> :rofl:



:ditto:


----------



## ajp (13 Sep 2012)

Recent Sighting in Woodstock NB.


----------



## eurowing (13 Sep 2012)

A rewrite from atheist to theist.  I like it better.  

A theist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said 'Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' 

The little girl who had just started to read her book replied to the total stranger, 'What would you want to talk about?' 

'Oh, I don't know' said the theist, 'How about why God exists, or Heaven or Hell, or life after death?' as he smiled smugly.

'OK' she said. ‘Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff ~ grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?' 

The theist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says 'Hmmmm, I have no idea.' 

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?'


----------



## jollyjacktar (18 Sep 2012)

Two friends were talking about gifts for their wives.  One friend was rich and the other friend was poor.

Rich guy:  "I gave my wife  a set of diamond earrings and a Mercedes convertible for our Anniversary. " 

Poor guy:  "Why a set of earrings and a car?"

Rich guy: "So she could drive to the jewelery shop and change the earrings if she did not like them."

The poor guy thought that was a cool idea and said he would get two gifts like that too.  He later returned from shopping and showed what he had bought.  A pair of running shoes and a sex toy.

Rich guy:  "What's with those choices?"

Poor guy: "If she doesn't like the shoes she can go screw herself."


----------



## cupper (18 Sep 2012)

If a man doesn't speak, he must be thinking something.

If a woman doesn't speak, GET READY FOR THE SHITSTORM AND RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

 ;D


----------



## TN2IC (19 Sep 2012)

Been there... done that..  ;D


----------



## GAP (19 Sep 2012)

yup


----------



## Retired AF Guy (20 Sep 2012)

The National Post had an article a few days ago about why most comedians are liberals and very few conservative. That resulted in a few letters to the editors, including this one from today's edition that refutes the idea that conservatives don't have a sense of humour. 



> Conservative humour
> Re: So A Liberal Walks Into A Bar, letter to the editor, Sept. 19.
> 
> Letter-writer George A. Bragg claims that conservatives have no sense of humour.
> ...


----------



## jollyjacktar (21 Sep 2012)

A foursome of men was waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of ladies were hitting from the ladies' tee. 

The ladies were taking their time. When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it 10 feet. 

Then she went over and missed it completely. 

Then she hacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it another five feet.  

She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically,

"I guess all those 'f**king lessons' I took over the winter didn't help."  

One of the men immediately responded,  "Well, there you have it.  You should have taken golf lessons instead!"  

He never even had a chance to duck.  He was 43...


----------



## Canadian.Trucker (21 Sep 2012)

True Story... A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that 6 inches you promised me last night?" 

Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too... they were laughing so hard.


----------



## 2010newbie (21 Sep 2012)

Along the news anchor lines.....

Here's a video of a CTV anchor misunderstanding the definition of canoodle with the weather girl...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJbo6QcdEdI


----------



## SoldierInAYear (21 Sep 2012)

United States Naval Academy Gangnam Style

http://youtu.be/xhHufV9g4k4

Should be new recruiting ad


----------



## Canadian.Trucker (24 Sep 2012)

My boss got a phone call from his girlfriend today, I couldn't help but overhear.  Basically the coles notes version is that she had damaged their comforter in the dryer and wanted to paint their bedroom so that the walls matched the new comforter.


----------



## Rifleman62 (24 Sep 2012)

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. 

I told her "Only you. All the others kept me awake shaggin’ all night !"


My missus packed my bags and as I walked out of the front door she screamed... "I wish you a slow and painful death you bastard!" 

"Oh" I replied, "so you want me to friggen stay now!"


----------



## krustyrl (24 Sep 2012)

Rifleman62 said:
			
		

> The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.
> 
> I told her "Only you. All the others kept me awake shaggin’ all night !"
> 
> ...




Awesome... !!!    :rofl:


----------



## TN2IC (24 Sep 2012)

If this bothers you. Please PM me and I can take it down.


----------



## jollyjacktar (27 Sep 2012)

After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... 
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into 
the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. 

As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart." 
I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" 

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Don't be fucking stupid. Of course they aren't twins.
The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7.  Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" 

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam.. I just couldn't believe someone fucked you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart."

My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.


----------



## Pat in Halifax (27 Sep 2012)

That's a keeper!!!

I wish I had my camera yesterday while out for my noon walk to the waterfront. A cruise ship was in and an elderly couple (mid-late 70s) was approaching me and in big letters, the man's shirt said "I love cats". As he got closer, in smaller print below was "But I can't eat a whole one myself".


----------



## cupper (27 Sep 2012)

So true.

*KC's Pre-season Game Cancelled On Account Of Owners Being Tremendous Assholes *

http://kcnhl.blogspot.com/2012/09/kcs-pre-season-game-cancelled-on.html



> The NHL In Kansas City has obtained a copy of the announcement from the NHL:
> 
> "The NHL regretfully must cancel the remaining pre-season schedule due to the ongoing issue of our league managers and owners being tremendous assholes. We continue to be open to talks with the Players Association in hopes that they will cave to our incredible assholeness, but we remain committed to our insanely greedy demands that the players agree to roll back the money we already agreed to in existing contracts and tie their salaries to a lower fixed rate of our healthy revenue. We realize those demands are out of touch with reality and the fair market system most businesses are expected to work within, but, again, we are raging assholes.
> 
> To our fans in Kansas City, we appreciate your role as a leverage chip that helped the Penguins get a new arena as well as your surprising sell-out of last year's pre-season game, and we were looking forward to throwing you another bone with the Avalanche vs. Rangers match-up originally scheduled for October 6. Unfortunately, we are hot, steaming assholes."


----------



## Canadian.Trucker (28 Sep 2012)

jollyjacktar said:
			
		

> After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ......
> About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into
> the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
> 
> ...


OUTSTANDING!!!

My contribution:
This letter was sent to the School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you. 

Dear Lions Bay School,


God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. 
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to f**k off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,


Edna


----------



## OldSolduer (29 Sep 2012)

From my wife this morning after reading the "paper":


"There's a whole lot of nothing in that paper"

 ;D


----------



## GAP (29 Sep 2012)

Radio personalities prank Harper with stunt phone call
By: Peter Rakobowchuk, The Canadian Press ONLINE EDITION 09/28/2012 
Article Link

MONTREAL - A pair of well-known radio pranksters managed to dupe Prime Minister Stephen Harper into having a five- to 10-minute conversation where he offered political advice.

Harper thought he was chatting with Quebec politician Francois Legault in a French-language conversation to be aired Monday.

The prime minister congratulated the third-party leader for fighting the new Parti Quebecois government's plan to increase taxes on high income-earners while, at the same time, he cautioned against toppling the minority government too fast.

Quebec's so-called Masked Avengers say they got the prime minister on the phone Thursday while he was in New York City to receive an award for international statesmanship.

They say they did it by posing as the Coalition party leader, Legault, and pretending not only to be seeking Harper's advice but also to be offering congratulations on the award.

The comedy duo said it's grateful to the United Nations for its very successful week.

First, officials at the global body put them through to secretary-general Ban-Ki Moon in a stunt Wednesday that aired the following day. Next, they gave the duo phone numbers that they used to track down the prime minister.

"It was really thanks to the United Nations. It's fun to have an organization like that, which really lends a hand to Quebec comedians," said Marc-Antoine Audette, one member of the pair, in an interview Friday.

"(They) gave us a lot of direct numbers to Ottawa, and to the Conservative party and to the government in general."

The jokesters weren't satisfied with merely pranking two famous leaders. They also tried pulling a fast one on the entire UN, by fibbing to officials that the contact information for the Government of Canada had changed. They gave them their own numbers as a replacement.

"So for about an hour or two hours on Wednesday, if there had been any problems at the UN — they would have called us, not Stephen Harper," Audette said.

Fortunately, there was no diplomatic incident.

But they did get Harper on the phone Thursday.

They chatted with Harper staffers about the recent Quebec election and said they wanted the prime minister's advice on dealing with the province's new minority government. Harper's staffers were, according to Audette, relatively blunt while discussing the Parti Quebecois.

But he said the prime minister, who is generally cautious in his public statements and was especially careful not to comment at all on Quebec politics during the recent election, was more diplomatic.

An official in Ottawa confirmed the gist of the conversation. Pretending to be Legault, the prankster apparently suggested that he planned to take down the PQ minority government as quickly as possible.

Harper urged him to be patient.
More on link


----------



## Rifleman62 (29 Sep 2012)

My First Condom

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Onoroto's pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.
She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

Then she beat the shit out of me....

Women have always been hard for me to figure out


----------



## Sythen (29 Sep 2012)

GAP said:
			
		

> Radio personalities prank Harper with stunt phone call
> By: Peter Rakobowchuk, The Canadian Press ONLINE EDITION 09/28/2012
> Article Link



Am I the only one who doesn't find these types of things funny at all? :/


----------



## navymich (30 Sep 2012)

A story told through road signs.  Someone has too much time on their hands!


----------



## TN2IC (1 Oct 2012)




----------



## Journeyman (2 Oct 2012)

+10 to the Honda rider.   :nod:


Yet more evidence (pay attention kids!!)...that condoms prevent mini-vans!


----------



## PMedMoe (2 Oct 2012)

:rofl:


----------



## GAP (2 Oct 2012)

WOMEN

      A real woman is a man's best friend.
       She will never stand him up and never let him down.
       She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
       She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
     She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
      She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most 
     handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, 
sexy, seductive and invincible...



       No wait...Sorry.


       I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit.


       Never mind.


----------



## navymich (9 Oct 2012)

The spoon:

A lesson on how consultants can help and hurt 
 an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurantand noticed that the 
waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils,
I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.


Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. 
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'


'Well, 'he explained,'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all 
of our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most 
frequently dropped utensil.
It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.


If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the 
kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'


As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 
'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it 
right now.' I was impressed.


I also noticed that there was a string hanging
Out of the waiter's crotch.


Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their 
flies.. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter,
'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have
That string right there?'


"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.
'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned
That we can save time in the restroom.


By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what,
We can pull it out without touching it and eliminating
The need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.


I asked quietly,
'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'


'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others,
But I use the spoon.'


----------



## jollyjacktar (12 Oct 2012)

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man  and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to
other  people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on
a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over  sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in  the upper berth and she in
the lower.

At 01:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the
woman saying,...........'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be
willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?  I'm awfully
cold'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for  tonight......let's pretend
that we're married'

'Wow!......................That's a great idea!' he  exclaimed..

'Good,' she replied................'Get your own  f...ing blanket.'



After a moment of silence,  .........................he farted.

The  End


----------



## Canadian.Trucker (17 Oct 2012)

Heard this yesterday when an Officer was describing another Officer that got in at the same time as he did (early 90's), the other Officer is a Royal (no names/rank, no pack drill).

"That guy is from the era of transition, when as a Royal knew that those rocks over there needed to be painted, but they didn't know if there was enough money in the budget to do it or if they really should do it."

I nearly split my gut.


----------



## GAP (17 Oct 2012)

.


----------



## The Anti-Royal (17 Oct 2012)

There was no such dilemma in the early 80s.


----------



## 57Chevy (17 Oct 2012)

Saw this on on FB today  ;D


----------



## vonGarvin (17 Oct 2012)

Do it.  You know you want to...


----------



## Kat Stevens (18 Oct 2012)

These two just crack me up, Garfunkel and Oates.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMKyKS2LGyI&feature=autoplay&list=UU1R9fG_iKqvt9FIhEQH9nTA&playnext=14


----------



## GAP (18 Oct 2012)

Please move the deer crossing signs......

http://www.kontraband.com/videos/33409/Dumbest-Woman-Ever/#show


----------



## TN2IC (18 Oct 2012)

From Military Minds on facebook:



> I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.
> 
> Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
> 
> ...



 ;D


----------



## 211RadOp (18 Oct 2012)

GAP said:
			
		

> Please move the deer crossing signs......
> 
> http://www.kontraband.com/videos/33409/Dumbest-Woman-Ever/#show



Was just about to post the same link from The Chive.  Dumb Dumb Dumb!


----------



## TN2IC (18 Oct 2012)

;D


----------



## jollyjacktar (19 Oct 2012)

(12) Step Program for the Military about to retire 
 
 1. Speech: 
* Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred, it is not 0530 or 1400; it is 5:30 in the morning (AKA zero-dark-thirty). 
* Words like deck, rack, and "PT" will get you weird looks; floor, bed, workout … get used to it. 
* "Fuck" cannot be used to replace whatever word you can't think of right now, try "um". 
* Grunting is not talking. 
* It's a phone, not a radio. Conversations on a phone do not need an "over" or end with an "out".  
* People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you are coming from CTC Gagetown with the support weapons platoon or that you spent a deployment in theatre.
  
2. Style:
* Do not put creases in your jeans. 
* Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts. 
* A high and tight looks dumb, not motivating.  So does a tapered cut, but not as bad. 
* A hat indoors does not make you a bad person, it makes you like the rest of the world. 
* You do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.  
 
3. Women:
* Air Force girls are easy - very easy - not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force girls. 
* Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first. 
* Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense", it makes you a retard.  
 
4. Personal Accomplishments:
* In the real world, being able to do push-ups will not make you good at your job. 
* Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen people die. 
* How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment. 
* The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway, is also not a personal accomplishment.  
 
5. Drinking:
* In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention, not a "good for you" 
* That time you drank a 26er of Jaegermeister and pissed in yourself is not a conversation starter. 
* That time you went to the combat medics course and practiced giving vodka IV's will also not be a good conversation starter...unless, of course, you are dating a medic or MO. Then it's called reminiscing.  
 
6. Bodily Functions:
* Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as "unprofessional". 
* The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled. 
* You can't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is.  VD will also not be funny.
  
7. The Human Body:  
* Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true.  
 
8. Spending Habits:
* You will have to pay bills.  
* Buying a $30,000 car on a $25,000 a year salary is a really bad idea. 
* Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool.  
* You will need dental insurance.
  
9. Interacting with Civilians (A.K.A.YOU):
* Making fun of your neighbour to his face for being fat will not be normal. 
  
10. Real Jobs:
* They really can fire you. 
* On the flip side you really can quit. 
* Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too. 
* Taking naps at work will not be acceptable. 
* Remember 9-5 not 0630 to 1800 - so it is a good thing. 
  
11. The Law:
* Non-judicial punishment does not exist and will not save you from prison. 
* Your workplace, unlike your unit, can't save you and probably won't, in fact most likely you will be fired about 5 minutes after they find out you've been arrested 
* Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job.  
* Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won.  
 
12. General knowledge:  
* You can in fact really say what you think about the Prime Minister in public.   
* Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain. 
* People don't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important than you are, be polite. 
* Read the contracts before you sign them, remember what happened the first time.


----------



## observor 69 (19 Oct 2012)

Fart Football 

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!"

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says - "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, - "Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says - "Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"


----------



## Rifleman62 (25 Oct 2012)

One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class. 
                   
Teacher : What kind of wife would you like Johnny?

   Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon.

Teacher : Wow !! what a choice... do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?

   Johnny : No, I want her to arrive at night and fuck off in the morning!


----------



## TN2IC (25 Oct 2012)

Here is a good Investment Opportunity
I thought you might want to consider getting on board early....
A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.
He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.
He says prophets are going through the roof.


----------



## TN2IC (26 Oct 2012)

Ba-doom, chick! Thank you folks! He'll be here all week and next Sunday at the Tiki Lounge at the Tampa City Holiday Inn!


----------



## TN2IC (26 Oct 2012)

;D


----------



## TN2IC (1 Nov 2012)

Pre medal parade inspection.

RSM Following the Col around, 
Inspects Cpl X...........

RSM- Are those your best boots Cpl X.

Cpl X- Two pairs sir, no favourites.

Next thing Cpl X was walking very fast off to Jail.


----------



## MikeL (1 Nov 2012)

Ranger Up does the Princess Bride
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7L2FjE0E-TY&list=UUEL5PzZ2y3ob-Ap6ondbSmg&index=5&feature=plcp


----------



## GAP (1 Nov 2012)

*I Got A New Dog

I got a new dog to guard our house. It was a little more than I thought I should pay but I think when word gets out we'll be a relatively crime free neighborhood. 

The nice part is he is a year old and already fully trained. For your safety you might want to call the house from the driveway and in the safety of your car!
*


----------



## observor 69 (8 Nov 2012)

1 in 3 Men Can't See His Penis
By Lindsay Abrams

Nov 6 2012, 12:47 PM ET8

A British health campaign aims to get men's attention about obesity by appealing to penis-centric psyches.

A privately funded campaign is has narrowed in on a tool for helping men to gauge their obesity. When standing upright, can they see their penis?

 After funding their own survey of 1,000 British men, the health advocacy group found that "33 percent of men in Britain aged between 35 and 60 years are unable to see their penis" because of their bellies. They presumably controlled for poor vision.

Dubbed "The Big Check," the campaign is based on the simple idea that men may be flippant about the health risks of belly fat, but anything concerning their junk is likely to get their attention. 

According to the group's staff expert, "Men care more about maintaining their cars than their own bodies, and often only see the doctor if told to by a female partner or relative." Dr. Sarah includes helpful tips on how woman can shoulder the responsibility for their guy's health, which, aside from one "sexy" suggestion ("encourage him to check his testicles regularly for lumps -- or check them yourself as part of foreplay") are mostly just variations on nagging.

Dr. Sarah's apparent lack of faith in men being able to do anything for their own health comes off far from progressive. But as long as we're throwing the kitchen sink at the obesity epidemic, I can think of worse ways of going about it.

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2012/11/1-in-3-men-cant-see-his-penis/264615/


----------



## jollyjacktar (9 Nov 2012)

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. 

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. 

Helloooo,............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.


----------



## TN2IC (10 Nov 2012)

Marines Urinating On Dead Taliban - Action Figure Therapy

Taliban penicorn?  ;D


----------



## Journeyman (10 Nov 2012)

So, I guess those spoilers have _some_ use after all....   :nod:


----------



## cupper (10 Nov 2012)

Journeyman said:
			
		

> So, I guess those spoilers have _some_ use after all....   :nod:



So, what exactly was the thought process that lead up to that realization.


----------



## Journeyman (10 Nov 2012)

cupper said:
			
		

> So, what exactly was the thought process that lead up to that realization.


   ???

Uh.....spoilers, on under-powered Japanese cars.....driven almost exclusively on speed-limit restrained urban streets.... have little-to-no aerodynamic utility. 

This kid is using his as a table -- you can see that, right? -- hence _some_ utility.


----------



## cupper (10 Nov 2012)

Journeyman said:
			
		

> ???
> 
> Uh.....spoilers, on under-powered Japanese cars.....driven almost exclusively on speed-limit restrained urban streets.... have little-to-no aerodynamic utility.
> 
> This kid is using his as a table -- you can see that, right? -- hence _some_ utility.



No, no. I got all that. Just curious as to what was going through his mind when he realized that you could use it for a table.


----------



## PMedMoe (16 Nov 2012)

Not all that funny, except maybe to me.

Yesterday morning while watching the news, a street reporter was commenting on charges being laid against a suspect.  One of the charges was forced confinement, but the reporter said "forced consignment".  My first thought was, "Holy crap, they were forced to _sell_ stuff!"  

  k:


----------



## Journeyman (16 Nov 2012)

Don' need no Hyundai in Mennonite country....   :nod:


----------



## Jarnhamar (18 Nov 2012)

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10151144343386850

Dad learns a lesson about gun control, kids and stomach pain.


----------



## jollyjacktar (18 Nov 2012)

Yup, bet he'll keep a grip on his gun in the future.  Idiot.  Must be related to Tex.


----------



## medicineman (18 Nov 2012)

Anyone want to learn English from Ricky Gervais?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xw2bTpyHGCE&feature=related

MM


----------



## Retired AF Guy (22 Nov 2012)

In the spirit of Thanksgiving (U.S. version) the Thanksgiving Turkey episode from_ WKRP in Cincinnati: _

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/radley-balko/happy-thanksgiving_1_b_2175193.html?utm_hp_ref=the-agitator


----------



## jollyjacktar (23 Nov 2012)

'#susanalbumparty'  Susan Boyle's PR team has a brain fart.  

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2236723/susanalbumparty-Susan-Boyle-promotional-teams-embarrassing-hashtag-double-entendre.html


----------



## wildman0101 (24 Nov 2012)

Gap,,, Loved the Dog pic's. Cool Cheer's,, Scoty B


----------



## George Wallace (28 Nov 2012)

Environment Canada has issued a travel warning due to the snowfall and bad road conditions.

 They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:

 Shovel

 Blankets or sleeping bag
 Extra clothing including hat and gloves
 24 hours worth of food
 De-Icer
 Rock Salt
 Flashlight with spare batteries
 Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
 Empty gas Can
 First Aid Kit
 Booster cables

I looked like a frickin idiot on the bus this morning!


----------



## GnyHwy (28 Nov 2012)

My Mom always told there was one idiot on the bus.  I couldn't find him!


----------



## cupper (28 Nov 2012)

My doctor told me to go out and kill some people.



Not really, he told me I need to get rid of some of the stress in my life. >


----------



## Tank Troll (29 Nov 2012)

My Doctor told me I had anger issues I told him no I have stupid people issues. He said "no, my wanting to put a C6 with an SF kit on the roof over looking the parking lot and pulling the fire alarm is an anger issue." I disagreed I said "the smart ones would duck and search for cover the stupid ones would not. Thus taking care of the problem."  Apparently that just got me 12 more weeks of anger management.   :facepalm:


----------



## MikeL (29 Nov 2012)

Killer Karaoke
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mao7lRVMgKc&list=PL47B35790AFA2A021&index=29&feature=plcp


----------



## observor 69 (7 Dec 2012)

MONTANA STATE TROOPER

Most everywhere in the United States, there is a law enforcement policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on public roadways when temperatures drop to single digits or below.    At about one AM on a very cold morning, Montana State Trooper, Allan Nixon #658, responded to a call in which there was a car off the shoulder of the highway outside of Great Falls, Montana.  He located the car, stuck deep in snow with the engine running, and he pulled in behind it with his emergency lights on.   Trooper Nixon walked to the drivers door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat next to him.  The driver startled awake when Trooper Nixon tapped on the window with his flashlight.  Seeing the rotating lights in his rear view mirror and the state trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked.  He jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas.

The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40-50 MPH, but the car was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.  Trooper Nixon - having a sense of humor - began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car.  The driver was totally freaked out thinking the trooper was actually keeping up with him.  This goes on for about 30 seconds when Trooper Nixon yelled, "PULL OVER!"   The man nodded, turned his wheel and stopped the engine.  Needless to say, the man from North Dakota was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the Montana State Trooper who could run 50 miles per hour.   Who says cops aren't funny?


----------



## observor 69 (11 Dec 2012)

Funny or sad: 


Rafalca Romney‏@RafalcaRomney

 NOT COOL RT @FUN: Gay marriage is legal in 6 states in the U.S. Having sex with a horse is legal in 23. Good going America! 

Retweeted by LOLGOP


----------



## cupper (11 Dec 2012)

Baden  Guy said:
			
		

> Funny or sad:
> 
> 
> Rafalca Romney‏@RafalcaRomney
> ...



That may explain a lot.


----------



## Cardstonkid (12 Dec 2012)

My TSM sent me this, not sure what he was trying to get at.

Spend Your Money Wisely

 A man walks into a pet store and is looking around when he spots a chimpanzee in a cage marked, "$1000".

 The man looks a little closer and discovers that the chimpanzee is wearing a maroon beret, jump boots and Airborne wings. Curious, the man summons the shopkeeper and asks him what the deal is with this thousand-dollar monkey. "Sir, You have discovered our Paratrooper Monkeys. This one is... our Novice Paratooper version. It's got Basic Airborne School; can fire 'Expert' with a 9mm, C7 and M-203; knows Basic Combat Skills, Rules of War, First Aid and can complete any mission from direct combat to humanitarian missions. Very good value for a thousand dollars!"

The man is suitably impressed and moves to the next cage, which is occupied by a gorilla -- also wearing Airborne regalia, but is smoking a cigar and swearing profusely. The price on this one is $5000. Shopkeeper exclaims, "Ah, sir! You have discovered the Warrant Officer model! This one is a Jumpmaster with Master Wings, is capable of training any other monkeys in basic and advanced combat skills, physical training, small unit tactics and is expert in responsibility and accountability! It can even type! Very good value for five thousand, sir!"

Impressed, the man moves to the next cage. Inside, he finds an orangutan, dressed in the same uniform as the others, but holding only a coffee cup. 

"What does this one do that he's worth $12,000?" asks the man. 

The shopkeeper clears his throat, "Ah, sir, well .... we've never actually seen him do anything except drink coffee and play with his dick, but he says he's a Captain."


----------



## WrenchBender (12 Dec 2012)

Yesterday I was at my local SOBEY's store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog..

What did she think I had, an elephant? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10Kg's before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story). Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. 

I'm now banned from SOBEY's.

WrenchBender


----------



## PMedMoe (13 Dec 2012)

A little long, but certainly worth it.   :nod:

Dear Santa, 

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas, 
Timmy Jones


Dear Timmy, 

Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus


Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully, 
Tim Jones


Mr. Jones, 

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve you social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours, 
S. Claus


Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for you and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone


Listen Pizza Face, 

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal.  I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy


Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy


Timmy,

That's what I thought you little bastard.

Santa

 :gottree:


----------



## cupper (13 Dec 2012)

Moe, that was great. Heard a similar one with an alternate ending:

Dear Mr. Claus:

You have left me no choice. See the enclosed photographs taken Christmas Eve one year ago. Do you recognize the person in the red suit and white beard who appears to be in a somewhat compromising position with a woman who looks a lot like my mother?

So, that's One XBox 360, an iPhone, and $10,000 cash (small unmarked bills, non-sequential serial numbers) or I post them online.

Check mate.

Timmy


----------



## Steve_D (14 Dec 2012)

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuffed down the front of his pants. The bartender says "doesn't that bother you?" The pirate says "AARR... It's driving me nuts!"


----------



## jollyjacktar (17 Dec 2012)

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at  him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?'  To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been  unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the  bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my  buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.


----------



## FlyingDutchman (19 Dec 2012)

Texting.
Me: If the world ends on the 21st, do you mind if I do not come in to work?
Boss: Yes, you must still come in.


----------



## cupper (21 Dec 2012)

50% of work e-mails are apologies for forgetting to send the attachment with the other 50%  :facepalm:


----------



## observor 69 (21 Dec 2012)

You don’t have to be an engineer to appreciate this story.

A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can’t be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don’t get pissed off and buy another product instead.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty box's problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution — on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time.

They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop; someone would walk over and yank the defective box off of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.

A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the Return on Investment of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints and they were gaining market share. 
“That’s some money well spent!” – he said, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.

It turns out, the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should have picked up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He requested an inquiry, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.

Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, and walked up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed.

A few feet before the scale, there was a cheap desk fan, blowing the empty boxes out of the belt and into a bin.

“Oh, that,” says one of the workers — “one of the guys put it there 'cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell 
rang."


----------



## cupper (23 Dec 2012)

Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Christmas' scam whilst out shopping. Simply dropping into the Superstore for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: 

Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Sobeys.

You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet! 


I had my wallet stolen in November on the 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th, and this month on the 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and twice yesterday. 

So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam. 

The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon. 

P.S. Walmart have cheap wallets on sale for $1.99 each but Zellers wallets are $1.75 and look better.


----------



## GAP (26 Dec 2012)

Yes, you guessed it, a new breed of animal!



  Referred to as “homo slackass-erectus” this new subspecies has been created by natural genetic downward evolution through constant spineless posturing, and spasmatic upper limb gestures which new research has shown to cause shorter legs and an inability to ambulate other than in an awkward shuffling gait. The "drag-crotch" shape also seems to affect brain function.  Expect no eye contact or intelligent verbal communication.  Unfortunately most are highly fertile.


----------



## GAP (26 Dec 2012)

I like this reasoning!!
   

                                   
                                GOOD NEWS FROM THE KITCHEN
                                  

                              Woman Number 1 is 51 yrs old. She is TV health guru Gillian McKeith, advocating a holistic approach to nutrition and health, and promoting exercise, a vegetarian diet which is high in organic fruits and vegetables. She recommends detox diets, colonic irrigation, and supplements.

                                      Woman Number 2 is also 51. She is Nigella Lawson... a TV cook, who eats meat, butter, chocolate and desserts... and, she washes it all down with wine! 

                                  
                                I rest my case


----------



## GAP (26 Dec 2012)

AFTER MARRIAGE


----------



## GAP (26 Dec 2012)

Wanna see my camel toe?


----------



## wildman0101 (27 Dec 2012)

Gap,, Camel toe. Love it. LMAO. Cheer's .. Scoty B


----------



## GAP (27 Dec 2012)

Some FedEx humor


----------



## observor 69 (28 Dec 2012)

Fondling in bed


----------



## PPCLI Guy (28 Dec 2012)

GAP said:
			
		

> Woman Number 2 is also 51. She is Nigella Lawson... a TV cook, who eats meat, butter, chocolate and desserts... and, she washes it all down with wine!



She is very yummy.....


----------



## Rifleman62 (31 Dec 2012)

A guy and a girl meet at a bar……

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says:

"You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says: "Yes .... How did you figure that out?"

"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love.

After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says: "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies:....

"Didn't feel a thing."


----------



## Rifleman62 (6 Jan 2013)

SLEEPING WITH DAVE

The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Dave, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Dave and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Dave snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Dave shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, slightly older biker, a real man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.. They said, "Man, what happened?" 

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Dave into bed, patted him on the arse and kissed him good night on the lips. Dave sat up and watched me all night."

With age comes wisdom.





______________________________________


----------



## Rifleman62 (7 Jan 2013)

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. 

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't! “


----------



## 57Chevy (9 Jan 2013)

Men Are Just Happier People -- 
What do you expect from such simple creatures? 
Your last name stays put. 
The garage is all yours. 
Wedding plans take care of themselves. 
Chocolate is just another snack. 
You can be President. 
You can never be pregnant. 
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. 
You can wear NO shirt to a water park. 
Car mechanics tell you the truth. 
The world is your urinal. 
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. 
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. 
Same work, more pay. 
Wrinkles add character. 
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. 
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. 
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 
One mood all the time. 
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 
You know stuff about tanks. 
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. 
You can open all your own jars. 
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 
If someone forgets to invite you, 
He or she can still be your friend. 
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. 
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.. 
You almost never have strap problems in public. 
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.. 
Everything on your face stays its original color.. 
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. 
You only have to shave your face and neck. 
You can play with toys all your life. 
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. 
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.. 
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. 
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. 
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives 
On December 24 in 25 minutes. 
No wonder men are happier. 
Send this to the women who can handle it 
And to the men who will enjoy reading it. 
Men Are Just Happier People


----------



## 57Chevy (9 Jan 2013)

Just to make your day complete  :camo:


----------



## Eye In The Sky (10 Jan 2013)

Back blast area _not_ clear!!!


----------



## 57Chevy (11 Jan 2013)

From a facebook page;

 Wtb?! Men and women co existing in today's challenging world:/'s photo


----------



## observor 69 (11 Jan 2013)

VASECTOMY


A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.

When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.
While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.

Curious, the man asks," What are they doing in there"?
The nurse responds, "They're preparing for vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross, and they have Obama Care."


----------



## BeyondTheNow (11 Jan 2013)

If there are any musicians on the board, they may appreciate this


----------



## observor 69 (14 Jan 2013)

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses? ?
Do you know that when a woman wears
a leather dress,
a man's heart beats quicker, 

his throat gets dry ,
he gets weak in the knees,
and he thinks irrationally ?
Ever wonder why?



It's because she smells 
like a 
N e w  T r u ck!


----------



## PMedMoe (14 Jan 2013)

;D


----------



## Rifleman62 (15 Jan 2013)

A tearful Gary Bettman apologized to hockey fans today for forcing them to
undergo a 3-month lockout. Although he understood how the fans felt about
being deprived of their favorite pastime, he pointed out that, had he not
done what he did, by the end of the decade, the average salary of an NHL
player might well approach that of a native leader, making hockey as we know
it unsustainable!


----------



## Retired AF Guy (17 Jan 2013)

Newest TV program from the CBC:


----------



## Rifleman62 (18 Jan 2013)

The C-130J is flown by two pilots and a computer.  Earlier model Hercs had four aircrew in the “front office”.

Many years ago on a C-130 mission to Bangkok, an intell officer asked if she could visit the cockpit.

When she got up there, she found four crewmen. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and what his responsibilities were. She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any system problems to keep the flight operating smoothly.

She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the aircraft commander he was responsible for everything on the airplane and the functioning of the crew. She turned to the co-pilot  and asked "Well lieutenant, what is your job?" 

He replied "Ma'am, I am the aircraft commanders sexual advisor."

Somewhat shocked, she said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple ma'am. The aircraft commander has told me that when he wants my fucking advice, he'll ask."


----------



## 57Chevy (18 Jan 2013)

A long long long time ago.......


----------



## observor 69 (18 Jan 2013)

Had to share this one.


----------



## Rifleman62 (19 Jan 2013)

Romantic Canadian Husband.

Man said to his wife "Alright you sexy thing, upstairs now" 

She looked at him and said "Ooh, you kinky bastard" 

He said "No, seriously, hockey is starting, bugger off”


----------



## Rifleman62 (22 Jan 2013)

TO WHOM DOES THE LAND OF ISRAEL BELONG??

An Israeli Sense of Humor at United Nations set the record straight.

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the
United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.

A representative from Israel began: 'Before beginning my talk I want
to tell you something about Moses: When he struck the rock and it
brought forth water, he thought, "What a good opportunity to have a
bath!"

Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the
water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished.
A Palestinian had stolen them!

The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped up furiously and
shouted, "What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there
then."

The Israeli representative smiled and said, "And now that we have made
that clear, I will begin my speech."


----------



## observor 69 (22 Jan 2013)

Winner.... Gangant


----------



## Retired AF Guy (24 Jan 2013)

For those with a problem with math:


----------



## PMedMoe (25 Jan 2013)

"Hope nobody saw me...."


----------



## GnyHwy (25 Jan 2013)

Wow, I'm surprised that horse got away without a broken leg.


----------



## PMedMoe (25 Jan 2013)

GnyHwy said:
			
		

> Wow, I'm surprised that horse got away without a broken leg.



Yep, that could have been bad....  :-\


----------



## Rifleman62 (27 Jan 2013)

Hell hath no fury...

After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his young secretary.

His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi-million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.

He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.

On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.

On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house.

The Maid quit.

Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.

(INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS .


----------



## Cardstonkid (30 Jan 2013)

A union boss decided to visit a house of ill repute in Las Vegas.

He found a place of his liking, and asked the madam "is this whore house unionized?." 

She replied, "it is not". 

He then asked, "well how much do you get, and how much does the girl get?" 

The madam replied" I get 80% and the girl gets 20%". 

"20%!" the union boss yelled, "That is unjust, unfair, and I will not have any part of this establishment!"  

So off to another house of ill repute he went, and soon he found a place that proudly advertised that it was a unionized house.

Upon entering the union boss asked the madam, "I am glad this is a unionized house, but tell me, how much do you make, and how much does the girl get?" 

"Well," the madam replied, " I get 20% and the girl gets 80%." 

" That is more like it!, exclaimed the union boss. " I really like the hot little red head sitting on the couch, I want her!"

" I am sure you do", the madam said, " but Helga, (pointing to a large hairy 60 something she-beast), has seniority."


----------



## Steve_D (30 Jan 2013)

Last night, I woke up to the ghost of Gloria Gaynor in my bedroom.

At first I was afraid.

I was petrified.....


----------



## Retired AF Guy (30 Jan 2013)

For all you cat lovers:


----------



## cupper (30 Jan 2013)

>

*Reagan's home could become a parking lot for Obama's library*

http://communities.washingtontimes.com/neighborhood/bill-kellys-truth-squad/2013/jan/25/reagan-home-become-parking-lot-obama-library/



> CHICAGO, Illinois, January 25, 2013 - A new Cold War is brewing here in Chicago’s Hyde Park neighborhood and it has nothing to do with the frigid temperature.
> 
> The apartment building at 832 E. 57th Street was once the Chicago home of a boy who would become a President.
> 
> ...


----------



## Retired AF Guy (31 Jan 2013)

cupper said:
			
		

> >
> 
> *Reagan's home could become a parking lot for Obama's library*
> 
> http://communities.washingtontimes.com/neighborhood/bill-kellys-truth-squad/2013/jan/25/reagan-home-become-parking-lot-obama-library/



I don't see anything funny about this. Shouldn't it be in the forum dealing with American politics?


----------



## Eye In The Sky (3 Feb 2013)

A married couple is travelling by car.  Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.

"But we didn't use them," the husband said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have the cheque book, he asked his wife to write the cheque.  She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."


----------



## BeyondTheNow (3 Feb 2013)

http://www.funnyordie.com/articles/8b001e2db1/super-bowl-faqs-everything-you-need-to-know?playlist=featured_pictures_and_words

(Kind of reminds me of senior members trying to expain things in the recruiting threads--probably to me also  )

Q: Who's playing in this year's Super Bowl?
A: That's your first question? I know it's a good starter, but really you should not be relying on Funny or Die for this information. Some suggestions: ESPN.com, literally anywhere else. But if you must know, it's the Baltimore Ravens and the San Francisco 49ers.

Q:Wait, the Patriots aren't playing in the game?
A: Correct. You'll have to get your glimpse of Tom Brady by periodically taking out the picture of him you keep in your wallet. Every day is the Super Bowl when you keep that pretty face close by.

Q: I know nothing about those teams. What are Baltimore and San Francisco known for?
A: The Wire and Riceroni, respectively.

Q: I meant the teams. What should I know about them?
A: Ah yes. The 49ers team were built around their stout defense, until coach Harbaugh inserted talented backup QB Colin Kaepernick into the lineup, making them a force on both sides of the ball. The Ravens also relied on their tenacious defense, until coach Harbaugh fired their offensive coordinator late in the season, shaking things up.

Q: Wait, are both coaches are named Harbaugh or do they have one coach for both teams?
A: Ugh, do I have to explain everything to you?

Q:Yes, that's how this works.
A: Ye tha how thi worrrs.

Q: It's hard to tell on paper, but did you just repeat what I said, but in a mocking, mentally-challenged voice?
A: You're the mentally challenged.

Q: Fine. What about Ray Lewis? Seems like there's a lot of controversy surrounding that guy.
A: Not sure what you're getting at, he's a great human being who deserves every accolade he's received. Good things happen to good people.

Q: I couldn't tell if you were being sarcastic so I read his Wiki. Pretty messed up.
A: Hey, just because his limo was covered in blood that night and the suit he was wearing disappeared, doesn't mean he did anything wrong. Haven't we all lost a blood-soaked sock in the dryer?

Q:I don't think this is the same? He's so revered in everything he does. I know there's inconclusive evidence, but it seems odd that we've moved past all that. People go nuts for that dance of his.
A: You mean his murder dance? Sorry, his accomplice to murder dance. It's actually a very good dance! Say what you want about Ray Lewis (snazzy dress, accomplice to murder, etc), there's no doubt the guy's got moves.

Q: What about the Super Bowl commercials? Anything we should be on the lookout for this year?
A: Yes. That friend of yours who says things like "I only watch for the commercials." He is not your friend. Nor should he be anybody's friend. In fact, he should never talk again.

Q: Does GoDaddy have one this year?
A: As long as there are women who would like to be paid to objectify themselves, then yes.

Q: Do I have to make a snarky joke to my friends when it comes on, but then secretly love every second of it?
A: That's the deal we all signed on for.

Q: Since I don't know much about football, is there anything I can say at the Super Bowl party to make it look like I know what I'm talking about?
A: Yes. Say things like "More and more evidence is showing the effect that professional football is having on the brains and mental states of these players. Let us not forget that these are human beings who are sacrificing their lives to entertain us." Say that. Trust me, it will go over like gangbusters.

Q: Thanks. Anything else? Should I partake in what the media deems important. Like how they're calling it the "Harbowl?"
A: I want no part of that. This correspondence is over.


----------



## BeyondTheNow (6 Feb 2013)

More sad than funny, really...

http://www.ctvnews.ca/entertainment/anne-of-green-gables-gets-blonde-makeover-in-new-cover-1.1145610

Anne of Sweet Valley High?

Perhaps Amazon wasn't aware red pigtails are as much a part of Anne Shirley's identity as is her imagination and her gift of gab.

It will be interesting to see how they deal with the fallout of featuring a blonde Anne of Green Gables on the cover of a new 'Three- in One Set' collection of the classic novels by Lucy Maud Montgomery.

The collection is published by CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform -- which is owned by Amazon and sold on the site. 

Calgary blogger Mike Morrison writes: 'Today will forever be known as the day the g****r died.' Josie Leavitt pleads with all publishers to 'please design the cover after you've read the book.'

There's certainly no shortage of opinion on the cover, judging from the reaction on Twitter


----------



## dapaterson (6 Feb 2013)

For anyone who has a daughter.

http://youtu.be/87K4mjkTHKE


----------



## Black Watch (7 Feb 2013)

One day, in a synagogue, the cantor asked to meet the counsil. 
-I might have to leave this place and find another job, he said, claiming that his income was too low.
-But there is so much I can do, replies the rabbi. The income for this synagogue is pretty low itself.

After much debate, the baker and the butcher agreed to feed the cantor and his family for free, and the tailor to make good clothes for cheap. Then one woman arises.

-You can sleep with me Mondays, Wendsdays and Fridays. 
Everyone in te room looks at her in a disturbed way.
-Why would you sleep with me? the cantor asks.
-When Iasked my husband what we could do to help you, he told me "screw the cantor".


----------



## Journeyman (8 Feb 2013)




----------



## PMedMoe (8 Feb 2013)

And in a similar vein...


----------



## BeyondTheNow (8 Feb 2013)

Q: What do Mike Duffy and Anne of Green Gables have in common?

A: They're both fictional residents of PEI.


----------



## GAP (11 Feb 2013)

WELFARE OFFICE

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 
15 kids. 

"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they all yours?" "Yep, they all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. 

She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats. "Well,' says the social worker, then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names." 

''Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy." 

In disbelief, the case worker says, "Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?" 

Their momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' An they all comes a running. An' if'n I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stops. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy." 

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?" 

"Then I calls them by their last names."


----------



## GAP (11 Feb 2013)

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,
Alex


----------



## Gunshark (11 Feb 2013)

So my good buddy to the south, who is aspiring to join the US Navy, sends me the following page today: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/GI_glasses

I wish I'd gotten a warning, because I ended up laughing like an idiot in the office at work.


----------



## Retired AF Guy (11 Feb 2013)

The newest terrorist threat:


----------



## cupper (11 Feb 2013)

What makes that all the more funnier is that I know a coworker who had the point removed from his compass when he boarded a flight from Halifax to Washington a few years ago. Yes, that 1" long pinpoint could have made a deadly weapon. :facepalm:


----------



## PMedMoe (12 Feb 2013)

The most delightfully hostile notes ever left on a car windshield

I really liked this one:







 ;D


----------



## Oldgateboatdriver (12 Feb 2013)

cupper said:
			
		

> What makes that all the more funnier is that I know a coworker who had the point removed from his compass when he boarded a flight from Halifax to Washington a few years ago. Yes, that 1" long pinpoint could have made a deadly weapon. :facepalm:



Ah, Cupper, I am surprised a sleuth like you missed the obvious "Columbo" question that immediately springs to mind: "What does a person carrying a calculator need a slide-ruler for?


----------



## Tank Troll (12 Feb 2013)

Retired AF Guy said:
			
		

> The newest terrorist threat:



George Dubya would have thought this was an actual report.


----------



## Sythen (12 Feb 2013)

Tank Troll said:
			
		

> George Dubya would have thought this was an actual report.



 :facepalm: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HECI4QK_mXA

Start at 0:43. Christopher Hitchens at his best.


----------



## cupper (12 Feb 2013)

Oldgateboatdriver said:
			
		

> Ah, Cupper, I am surprised a sleuth like you missed the obvious "Columbo" question that immediately springs to mind: "What does a person carrying a calculator need a slide-ruler for?



Being an engineer that works with some from the stone ages, who constantly drone on about the old days when you used a slide rule, and programmed with punch cards, I confess it didn't even come to mind. I would just expect it as SOP.  ;D


----------



## cupper (12 Feb 2013)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> The most delightfully hostile notes ever left on a car windshield
> 
> I really liked this one:
> 
> ...



I liked the one that goes:

LEARN TO F'n PARK.......

May the Grace of Our Lord Jesus Christ be with You.


----------



## PMedMoe (12 Feb 2013)

cupper said:
			
		

> I liked the one that goes:
> 
> LEARN TO F'n PARK.......
> 
> May the Grace of Our Lord Jesus Christ be with You.



Yeah, there's some pretty passive-aggressive notes there.   :nod:


----------



## cupper (12 Feb 2013)

New Barbasol Commercial for the Twitter Generation:

http://youtu.be/wweujqGL1Xo


----------



## Tank Troll (13 Feb 2013)

Now that is an excellent commercial


----------



## OldSolduer (13 Feb 2013)

cupper said:
			
		

> New Barbasol Commercial for the Twitter Generation:
> 
> http://youtu.be/wweujqGL1Xo



Just what I needed! Tanks! LOL..... Oops sorry.


----------



## GAP (13 Feb 2013)

Women’s logic: Redefining thousands of years of science (Video)

http://thechive.com/2012/03/19/womens-logic-redefining-thousands-of-years-of-science-video/


----------



## BeyondTheNow (13 Feb 2013)

GAP said:
			
		

> Women’s logic: Redefining thousands of years of science (Video)
> 
> http://thechive.com/2012/03/19/womens-logic-redefining-thousands-of-years-of-science-video/



That was painful...

I wonder if they're still married after he posted that on the Internet?


----------



## BeyondTheNow (13 Feb 2013)

Well, that's one way to win it....

Must watch the whole thing.

http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=WvU_uJkOHH0&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DWvU_uJkOHH0


----------



## OldSolduer (14 Feb 2013)

BeyondTheNow said:
			
		

> That was painful...
> 
> I wonder if they're still married after he posted that on the Internet?



Is she for real?  :facepalm:


----------



## PMedMoe (14 Feb 2013)

Given the date....






and






 ;D


----------



## The Bread Guy (14 Feb 2013)

Given the V'Day theme....


----------



## Steve_D (15 Feb 2013)

Something for my fellow Navy peers

The most interesting MARS Officer in the World.


He is always the stand-on vessel.
Stars navigate by him.
He always eyeballs it.
He wears his salt & peppers under his NCDs.
The equator crosses him.
He has sailed the eighth sea.
He finished his NOPQ in two days. The first was spent clearing in.
Career Managers ask him about their career progression.
He doesn’t dead reckon…he dead knows.
He maintains a permanent no-shave chit signed by Comd RCN.
His ships are not worked-up by Sea Training, they are ADMIRED.
He won the annual shiphandler of the year award in 1996…twice.
The carrier does plane guard for him.
Marine mammals avoid him.
Clocks retard and advance to conform to him.
He once conned a ship alongside the tanker…….while aboard the tanker.
Comd RCN asks him for permission to carry on with duties assigned.
He has caught a leviathan and a mermaid. He released them both, of course, and wished them well.
Aviators ask him for stories.
His DWAN account works flawlessly.
He invented the Mo Board.
He is always on station.
Dolphins taught him the sonar equation.
He maintains the Secret Watch & Station Bill.
His sea stories have changed foreign policy.
He went to sleep, once. He wanted to know what it was like to be a Supply Officer.
He can carry an open coffee cup from gland space to the bridge without spilling a drop.
CO’s call him to report contacts.
The Rules of the Road read, “Whatever this man wants”.

He is… the most interesting MARS Officer in the world!


- Stay angry my friends.

- Stay tired my friends.

- Stay sleepless my friends.

- Stay on station my friends.


Cheers,


----------



## Journeyman (15 Feb 2013)

Steve_D said:
			
		

> Aviators ask him for stories.


   ;D


----------



## BeyondTheNow (15 Feb 2013)

Steve_D said:
			
		

> Something for my fellow Navy peers
> 
> The most interesting MARS Officer in the World.
> 
> ...



Wonderful! 

For some reason I could go for a Dos Equis


----------



## MikeL (16 Feb 2013)

Probably the most official looking version I've seen of this form


----------



## Loachman (16 Feb 2013)

If only it was free of spelling, capitalization, and punctuation errors - although, I suppose that's a not-entirely-inaccurate reflection of the quality of current staffwork. Perhaps that makes it even more authentic.


----------



## observor 69 (17 Feb 2013)

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her,

What day is tomorrow?".



Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Prime Minister Day!".



She's smart, so I asked her "What does Prime Minister Day mean?".



I was waiting for something about Trudeau or Martin, etc.



She replied, "Prime Minister Day is when Prime Minister Harper steps out of the Prime Minister Mansion,

And if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull Shit."



You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!


----------



## The Bread Guy (18 Feb 2013)

Long live Doctrine Man!






Also, a Tumblr page with ships with funny names.....


----------



## Rifleman62 (19 Feb 2013)

Wife of the Year!


----------



## BeyondTheNow (20 Feb 2013)

Meme: "You had _one_ job to do..."


----------



## BeyondTheNow (22 Feb 2013)

Calvin & Hobbes and real life. I'm a huge fan of the comic, these are cute.

http://imgur.com/gallery/wGZUA


----------



## J.J (23 Feb 2013)

Harden the f#^* up!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UmJuMStuhC4


----------



## cphansen (23 Feb 2013)

WR said:
			
		

> Harden the f#^* up!
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UmJuMStuhC4



Theres no harden the f#^* up needed.

Did you not see what the video showed?  The man, after being sprayed with something like pepper spray, worked thru it's effect on him and he completed the exercise.  He didn't quit, he completed the drill.

Now some questions for you, what were the trainers, Navy, infantry, engineers or MP? Second question for you, what was the student's first name? What breathing technique did the instructors tell the student to use to help him calm down?

Even a clip like this full of noise and drama can show us things and help us learn to focus on what's going on behind all the noise.  There are many more things going on in that clip that we could observe if we don't lose our focus


----------



## J.J (23 Feb 2013)

SherH2A said:
			
		

> Theres no harden the f#^* up needed.
> 
> Did you not see what the video showed?  The man, after being sprayed with something like pepper spray, worked thru it's effect on him and he completed the exercise.  He didn't quit, he completed the drill.
> 
> ...



I have been sprayed several times, I have observed dozens of people sprayed in a training environment, I have been present when it has been used in the field. I have never seen a reaction like that.


----------



## GnyHwy (23 Feb 2013)

I like toast!


----------



## cupper (23 Feb 2013)

GnyHwy said:
			
		

> I like toast!



 :rofl:


----------



## observor 69 (25 Feb 2013)

Traffic Camera:

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured 
that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he 
knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the 
block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the 
camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he 
drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera 
again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this 
a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled 
past, this time at a snail's pace. 

Two weeks later, he got five 
tickets in the mail for driving without a seat 
belt!


----------



## Rifleman62 (3 Mar 2013)

I didn't check Snoops on this, but I'm sure it's true. 
When he becomes The Pope, I hope he leaves the USA permanently!!!!

Next step: GOD.


WASHINGTON, DC - Sources close to the White House have learned that Barack Obama is planning to run for the office of Pope when the College of Cardinals convenes to elect a successor to ailing Benedict XVI at the end of this month. Calling on the promise of Equality for All, Obama is said to firmly believe that the time has come for a non-Catholic to occupy the Vatican 's highest office.

Foreseeing a looming citizenship issue, he states that he has discovered an Italian birth certificate that proves he was born in Rome before he was born in Kenya . "That Hawaiian birth certificate never has been worth what I paid for it, anyway", he noted.

Continuing, he concluded, "And there's no way that a handful of cardinals could be more expensive to buy than 10 million voters in Michigan ." Further questions should be directed to Obama's Papal Campaign Manager, Abdul Azeem Khan.


----------



## BeyondTheNow (4 Mar 2013)

How dare they....


----------



## 57Chevy (7 Mar 2013)

"You're an ass half !" 
"Why ?" 
"Because it would take two of you to make an ass whole !" 

Robin Williams ( from the movie Cadillac Man )


----------



## observor 69 (7 Mar 2013)

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman
 who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
 His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend?  She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

  'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'


----------



## MikeL (7 Mar 2013)

I give you,  the stun sword
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0F-VVjqarZE


----------



## dapaterson (7 Mar 2013)

Thirty-three year old woman arraigned for hiring strippers for her 16 year son's birthday party.

http://www.ottawasun.com/2013/03/07/new-york-mother-arraigned-for-hiring-strippers-for-teens-party


----------



## MikeL (7 Mar 2013)

Colbert Report
http://www.youtube.com/embed/vhnLk3TJWFY?rel=0


----------



## The Bread Guy (27 Mar 2013)




----------



## Pat in Halifax (27 Mar 2013)

A buddy sent me this earlier today. My God, I needed a good laugh this week!
http://www.buzzfeed.com/jessicamisener/the-30-most-hilarious-autocorrect-struggles-ever


----------



## BeyondTheNow (27 Mar 2013)

Pat in Halifax said:
			
		

> A buddy sent me this earlier today. My God, I needed a good laugh this week!
> http://www.buzzfeed.com/jessicamisener/the-30-most-hilarious-autocorrect-struggles-ever



Oh, too funny! I'd seen similar examples in the past, and never understood how it was even possible.....then I got an iPhone. Oh--is it ever possible. Words that I've never even remotely used before.  Funnily enough, the F word never gets corrected, and boy, does it ever get used a lot in conjunction with the auto-correct feature


----------



## PMedMoe (27 Mar 2013)

What I see in just about every PowerPoint slide:  http://humortrain.com/post/46430995099    :nod:


----------



## CougarKing (29 Mar 2013)

So now we know the REAL reason why Dennis Rodman visited North Korea recently.

Perhaps Kim calling Rodman "friend for life" meant more than just "being friends"?  :blotto:

 ;D



> *Kim Jong-Un Comes Out In Support Of Gay Marriage: 'I'm Not A Monster'*
> 
> 
> The Onion link
> ...


----------



## Canadian.Trucker (30 Mar 2013)

Pat in Halifax said:
			
		

> A buddy sent me this earlier today. My God, I needed a good laugh this week!
> http://www.buzzfeed.com/jessicamisener/the-30-most-hilarious-autocorrect-struggles-ever


I love autocorrect pics.  I was laughing so hard while reading these my sides hurt.


----------



## cupper (31 Mar 2013)

Pat in Halifax said:
			
		

> A buddy sent me this earlier today. My God, I needed a good laugh this week!
> http://www.buzzfeed.com/jessicamisener/the-30-most-hilarious-autocorrect-struggles-ever



Death Vibrators!  :rofl:


----------



## Pat in Halifax (1 Apr 2013)

Almost fell for it...until I saw Bubbles!:
http://www.vintagewings.ca/VintageNews/Stories/tabid/116/articleType/ArticleView/articleId/410/language/en-CA/Tails-of-Glory.aspx


----------



## Dissident (1 Apr 2013)

Made it to the Paffo: Ima Tarrgette


----------



## observor 69 (1 Apr 2013)

Pat in Halifax said:
			
		

> Almost fell for it...until I saw Bubbles!:
> http://www.vintagewings.ca/VintageNews/Stories/tabid/116/articleType/ArticleView/articleId/410/language/en-CA/Tails-of-Glory.aspx



I fell for it until I hit the link at the end to Vintage Wings.  :-[
Hey I think it's a great idea.  
Ann Murray on the tail of the Snowbirds...genius.


----------



## CougarKing (2 Apr 2013)

If you don't get the "Aliens" movie reference, I'm not explaining it...  :blotto:


----------



## observor 69 (5 Apr 2013)

Canadian politicians and their Muppet doppelgangers

http://www.sunnewsnetwork.ca/sunnews/politics/archives/2013/04/20130405-134458.html


----------



## Journeyman (6 Apr 2013)

I don't think they meant it as a joke, but....



> *Democratic Republic of the Congo: U.N. Approves Offensive Operations*
> 
> The U.N. Security Council on March 29 unanimously approved an "offensive" peacekeeping brigade to fight rebels in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, the first U.N. force of its kind, The News International reported. The force of more than 2,500 troops was authorized to "neutralize" and "disarm" the rebel groups.


By "offensive," the UN means they can use more harshly-worded, possibly even rude, declarations to the combatants.  

That should do it!   :nod:




Link provided courtesy of Stratfor: Global Intelligence


----------



## 211RadOp (6 Apr 2013)

Don't forget the rude gestures.  :nod:


----------



## CougarKing (6 Apr 2013)

Just like the latest Snickers commercials:


----------



## CougarKing (8 Apr 2013)

National Post link


----------



## George Wallace (8 Apr 2013)

I would say that he likes what he sees.... ;D


----------



## Eye In The Sky (8 Apr 2013)

No offense is meant in this, this is post is purely for humour.   8)

In light of the recent events in Korea the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

 The English are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Korea and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

 The Scots have raised their threat level from "****** Off" to "Let's get the *******s." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

 Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

 The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

 Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

 The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

 Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.


----------



## Sythen (10 Apr 2013)

Russian civi takes offense to another civi giving a soldier a hard time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQnRUdoAFR0&feature=player_embedded


----------



## ModlrMike (10 Apr 2013)

That'll learn ya!


----------



## The Bread Guy (11 Apr 2013)

Want a beer from a machine you have to beat up a bit to get it?  Check out this rig in "the New Zealand of Argentina"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T67EncQPwNk


----------



## Jarnhamar (12 Apr 2013)

14 million views in 4 days

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qnydFmqHuVo


----------



## OldSolduer (12 Apr 2013)

ObedientiaZelum said:
			
		

> 14 million views in 4 days
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qnydFmqHuVo



I like the rhinoceros


----------



## CougarKing (12 Apr 2013)




----------



## cupper (12 Apr 2013)

http://www.amazon.com/BIC-Cristal-1-0mm-Black-MSLP16-Blk/dp/B004F9QBE6

The product description is funny.

The reviews: ABSOLUTELYFNHILARIOUS!


----------



## a_majoor (14 Apr 2013)

The worst part fo this story is that it is true.....

http://pjmedia.com/tatler/2013/04/14/too-weird-to-be-true-green-sex/?singlepage=true



> *Too Weird To Be True: ‘Green Sex’*
> 
> by
> RICK MORAN
> ...


----------



## cupper (18 Apr 2013)

:nod:


----------



## dimsum (18 Apr 2013)

Thucydides said:
			
		

> The worst part fo this story is that it is true.....
> 
> http://pjmedia.com/tatler/2013/04/14/too-weird-to-be-true-green-sex/?singlepage=true



Define "worst".  

I kid, I kid.  

On the subject of "news that sounds like a joke", I present this:  

http://www.news.com.au/travel/news/men-deported-for-being-too-handsome/story-e6frfq80-1226623331045


----------



## Loachman (18 Apr 2013)

The very same thing happened to me a couple of years ago.

It's strangely comforting to know that I was not the only one so treated.


----------



## Canadian.Trucker (18 Apr 2013)

Loachman said:
			
		

> The very same thing happened to me a couple of years ago.
> 
> It's strangely comforting to know that I was not the only one so treated.


The thermometer in the bum, or being deported?


----------



## PMedMoe (20 Apr 2013)

A little long, but definitely reminds me of resistance to change....

The Monkey Experiment


----------



## cupper (20 Apr 2013)

Beware answering that 2:00 am booty call in the middle of a terrorist alert.

*The Problem with One-Night Stands in Locked-Down Boston*

http://www.esquire.com/blogs/culture/lust-during-wartime



> I’m sitting in a strange kitchen right now, in a posh two-bedroom condo in Charlestown, Mass., with sprawling views of the Boston skyline and the upper deck of I-93. My head is pounding. I’ve already maxed out on the recommended daily intake of Advil, hung over from a long night of upending pint after pint of Guinness at the Warren Tavern down the road—a legendary pub located in the former home of Revolutionary War hero Dr. Joseph Warren, where my dad has been bartending for the better part of 20 years.
> 
> My memory is a bit strained on the details, but I think it went something like this: As news broke of the an MIT police officer being gunned down, followed by a hot-pursuit car chase between the two suspects in Monday’s bombing, I was bellied up to the Tavern’s rustic, centuries-old bar. I remember saying something like “blarphgmchp” out loud, which in my head sounded like “Good lord friends, this week has really been a doozie, what?” And that’s when I got a text by a girl I know who lives up a cruelly steep hill from the bar. At 2 a.m. To come over.
> 
> ...


----------



## GnyHwy (21 Apr 2013)

.


----------



## CougarKing (22 Apr 2013)

Ahhh...the geographically challenged on Twitter...  :






link



> *The Definitive “People Who Thought Chechnya was the Czech Republic” Collection  *
> 
> Posted 18 hours ago
> 
> ...


----------



## GAP (24 Apr 2013)

how we got ET


----------



## CougarKing (25 Apr 2013)

;D

Geeks who live in their Moms' basements


----------



## Eye In The Sky (25 Apr 2013)

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

 ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
 WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
 ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
 WITNESS: My name is Susan!
 _______________________________
 ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
 WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
 WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? 
 WITNESS: July 18th. 
 ATTORNEY: What year? 
 WITNESS: Every year. 
 _____________________________________ 
 ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? 
 WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. 
 ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? 
 WITNESS: Forty-five years. 
 _________________________________
 ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
 WITNESS: I forget..
 ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
 ___________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
 WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
 ____________________________________

 ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
 WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
 ___________________________________________ 
 ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
 WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
 _________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
 WITNESS: Getting laid
 ____________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
 WITNESS: None.
 ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
 WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
 WITNESS: By death..
 ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
 WITNESS: Take a guess.
 ___________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
 WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
 ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
 WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
 _____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
 WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
 WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
 _________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
 WITNESS: Oral...
 _________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
 WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
 ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
 WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
 WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

 ______________________________________
 And last:

 ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
 WITNESS: No..
 ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
 WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
 ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
 WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


----------



## a_majoor (26 Apr 2013)

The origin of slang expressions and insults:

http://www.thefrisky.com/photos/douchebags-sluts-boners-the-origins-of-some-of-the-most-well-known-slang-words-insults/


----------



## cupper (27 Apr 2013)

Thought this was a good one.


----------



## PMedMoe (2 May 2013)

Could also go in the "Dumbest thing" thread:  Man loses life savings on carnival game

A New Hampshire man is considering suing a carnival after he lost his life savings in a ball-tossing game.

Henry Gribbohm, 30, told CBS News he lost $2,600 on a carnival game called Tubs of Fun, where contestants throw rubber balls into a tub. He was trying to win an Xbox Kinect, but all he got was an enormous plush banana with dreadlocks and a Rastafarian hat.

Gribbohm thinks the Fiesta Shows game was rigged. The balls, he said, kept popping out.

The man who ran the game, which is independently contracted, gave Gribbohm $600 back when he complained. 

More at link

P.T. Barnum was right.  There _is_ a sucker born every minute.   ;D

Here's a question: Why would you gamble $2600 for an XBox Kinect when you can buy one for about $150?  Guess math wasn't his strong suit.

Oh and he looks like a real winner too.  Doofus.   :


----------



## GAP (2 May 2013)

Strip down

When I  was in a shop the other day and ready to pay for my purchases 
the  cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain  to the manager about
their security people running amok, I did just as she
had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided,
I found  out that she was referring to the correct insertion
of my credit card.

I  have since been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little
clearer!


----------



## cupper (3 May 2013)

It's not a good idea to test the Sgt. Maj. of the Army.

*Sergeant Major Chandler: You Know What? Screw It, Everyone’s Gonna Wear Three Reflective Belts At All Times*

http://www.duffelblog.com/2013/05/sergeant-major-chandler-you-know-what-fuck-it-everyones-gonna-wear-three-reflective-belts-during-pt/



> The following is an opinion piece by Sergeant Major of the Army Raymond F. Chandler III.
> 
> You know what soldiers? I’m sick and tired of this crap.
> 
> ...


----------



## cupper (3 May 2013)

*Army Times: Military Working Dogs Smarter than Junior Officers*

http://www.duffelblog.com/2012/08/army-times-military-working-dogs-smarter-than-junior-officers/



> NEW YORK, NY — Military Working Dogs are more intelligent than second and first lieutenants, according to an article to be published next week in Army Times.
> 
> The article, titled “Who’s Got the Smarts?” examines groups of soldiers from different ranks, military occupation specialties, and career branches, and then orders them by intelligence.
> 
> ...


----------



## CougarKing (3 May 2013)

[sarcasm]FAIL. Everyone knows you steal the car on the THIRD DATE, not the first date. [/sarcasm]   ;D

link



> *Cops: Man steals woman’s car on 1st date   *
> 
> Dinner goes from bad to worse when he first skips out on restaurant bill
> 
> ...


----------



## Fishbone Jones (3 May 2013)

S.M.A. said:
			
		

> [sarcasm]FAIL. Everyone knows you steal the car on the THIRD DATE, not the first date. [/sarcasm]   ;D
> 
> link



Detroit. What can I say about the Motor City? I'm sure they have a sign at the top of the RenCen that say's 'You can't fix Stupid'.

It's what makes it worth it to go over there on a weekly basis, just to watch the carnival. The town is populated by clowns :facepalm:


----------



## a_majoor (4 May 2013)

Another sad but true item. I'm positive that you can find people who believe Facebook works like this with a very short search:


----------



## cupper (4 May 2013)

Thucydides said:
			
		

> Another sad but true item. I'm positive that you can find people who believe Facebook works like this with a very short search:



What? You mean I've been liking and sharing the crap out of everything, and all I've done is wear out my track pad?

Well @#$% me.


----------



## GAP (12 May 2013)

Snopes probably has a different take on this, but I like it anyway.....

It happened in a Metro station in Montreal.

...........
There were protesters on the concourse handing out pamphlets on
the evils of Canada . I politely declined to take one.

An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young
(20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely
declined. The young protester put her hand on the woman's
shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said,
'Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq ?'

The elderly woman looked up at her and said,
'Honey, my father died during World War I,
I lost my husband in World War II,
I lost a son in Korea and a grandson in Afghanistan.
All fought and died so you could have the freedom to stand here and bad 
mouth our country. 

If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it.'


................God Bless Canada!!!


----------



## PMedMoe (14 May 2013)

Wasn't sure whether this should go here or the "dumbest thing" thread.  If you've ever watched Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares, you'll know that he's hard but usually pretty bang on about his assessments.  In this episode, he didn't even get a chance.  These two are just plain nuts and completely delusional.  I think the botox has gone straight to her brain.

The Worst Company Meltdown on FB Ever  <---- Video clip at bottom of page

Also, check out their FB page and reviews on Yelp (Amy's Baking Company).  Frigging hilarious!  

What's very interesting is that apparently her real name is Amanda Patricia Bossingham and she was charged with fraud.


----------



## CougarKing (15 May 2013)

"First time "chip" offenders?  ;D

BBQ Chip Bandits "terrorize" Canadian city


----------



## jollyjacktar (16 May 2013)

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business..
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died,
He decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune... One evening at an
Investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man,"
He said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,
She became his stepmother......

Women are so much better at financial planning than men


----------



## observor 69 (16 May 2013)

Via the RCAF Facebook page; 
First Stealth-Fighter to be Relegated to the Boneyard


----------



## OldSolduer (16 May 2013)

Baden  Guy said:
			
		

> Via the RCAF Facebook page;
> First Stealth-Fighter to be Relegated to the Boneyard



I thought the first stealth fighter was the DeHavilland Mosquito?


----------



## observor 69 (17 May 2013)

Now there's an interesting point. I guess it was in some ways. All that wood  :nod:


----------



## Rifleman62 (17 May 2013)

Termites!


----------



## Journeyman (18 May 2013)

Soccer at its finest...


----------



## Jarnhamar (20 May 2013)




----------



## jollyjacktar (28 May 2013)

The Sensitive Man

A woman met a man in a bar.  They talked; they connected; they ended up leaving together.. 

They got back to his place, and as he showed her around his apartment she noticed that one wall of his bedroom was completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. 
There were three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! 

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. 
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf.  Medium-sized bears covered the length of the middle shelf.  And huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears.  She was quite impressed by his sensitive side but didn't mention this to him. 
They shared a bottle of wine and continued talking and, after awhile, she found herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'

She turned to him and kissed him lightly on the lips.  He responded warmly.  They continued to kiss, the passion built, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carried her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and made hot, steamy love. 

She was so overwhelmed that she responded with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she had ever known.  After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they were lying there together in the afterglow.  The woman rolled over, gently stroked his chest and asked coyly,  'Well, how was it?' 

The guy gently smiled at her, stroked her cheek, looked deeply into her eyes, and said:  'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'


----------



## Rifleman62 (1 Jun 2013)

*********** 

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.  She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you." 

*********** 

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. 
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try." 
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said. 
"Come on, what day was I born"? 
I said, "Yesterday." 

*********** 

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. 
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in. 

*********** 

This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?" 
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out." 

**********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. 
I said, "Nice legs." 
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so." 
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. " 

  When you are over sixty who gives a shit?


----------



## Eye In The Sky (6 Jun 2013)

An old Canadian priest lay dying. He sent a message for Pamela Wallin and Mike Duffy to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

 The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything, both Duffy and Wallin were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the priest had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them… and for good reasons!

 Finally, Duffy asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come here?" The old priest mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I'd like to go."


----------



## BeyondTheNow (8 Jun 2013)

...stop that shyte...


----------



## CougarKing (18 Jun 2013)

;D Well, not flushing the toilet after using it SHOULD be a crime.



> link
> 
> 
> *Man Suing Airlines After Being Arrested For Not Flushing Toilet*
> ...


----------



## Rifleman62 (2 Jul 2013)

http://roadrunnersinternationale.com/pratt_whitney.html

THIS IS TO ALL THE REAL MEN WHO FLEW REAL FLYING MACHINES THERE ARE NOT MANY OF US REMAINING. 


GET RID OF TURBINE  ENGINES 

Author: Bob McKellar  

We  gotta get rid of turbines... they're ruining  aviation. We need to go back  to big round engines. 

 Anybody  can start a turbine, you just need to move a switch from "OFF" to "START," and  then remember to move it back to "ON" after a while. My PC is harder to  start. 

 Cranking  a round engine requires skill, finesse and style. On some planes, the pilots  are not even allowed to do it. 

 Turbines  start by whining for a while, and then give a small lady-like poot and start  whining louder. 

 Round  engines give a satisfying rattle-rattle, click-click BANG, more rattles,  another BANG, a big macho fart or two, more clicks, a lot of smoke and finally  a serious low pitched roar. 

 We  like that. It's a guy thing. When you start a round engine, your mind is  engaged and you can concentrate on the flight ahead. Starting a turbine is  like flicking on a ceiling fan: Useful, but hardly exciting. 

 Turbines  don't break often enough, leading to aircrew boredom, complacency and  inattention. A round engine at speed looks and sounds like it's going to blow  at any minute. 

 This  helps concentrate the mind. 

 Turbines  don't have enough control levers to keep a pilot's attention. 

 There's  nothing to fiddle with during the flight. 

 Turbines  smell like a Boy Scout camp full of Coleman lanterns. Round engines smell like  God intended flying machines to smell. 

 I  think I hear the nurse coming down the hall. I gotta go.


----------



## PMedMoe (3 Jul 2013)

Journeyman said:
			
		

> Soccer at its finest...



And again:







 ;D


----------



## GAP (13 Jul 2013)

TV station falls for fake names of flight crew
By QMI Agency
http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2013/07/12/20971096.html

You would think they would've noticed something wrong.

A California news station reported Friday it had learned the names of the flight crew on doomed Asiana flight 214 that crashed last Saturday at San Francisco's airport.

Oakland's KTVU Channel 2 co-anchor Tori Campell read the names as they appeared on the screen: Captain Sum Ting Wong, Wi Tu Lo, Ho Lee Fuk and Bang Ding Ow. (Read them out loud.)

The names had been confirmed, she said, by the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB).

Campbell came back after a commercial break and clarified that the names were obviously wrong, but it was too late. Video of the cringe-inducing report had already begun circulating online.

Friday evening, the NTSB issued an apology for confirming the "inaccurate and offensive names" of the flight crew and stated an intern "acted outside of the scope of his authority" in providing the information.


Both the NTSB and KTVU stated they are taking actions to ensure such an error doesn't happen again.

But, thanks to the Internet, it will never be forgotten.


----------



## jollyjacktar (19 Jul 2013)

Two Californians are drinking in a bar. One says "Did you know that Elks
have sex 10 to 15 times a day?

"Aw crap.." says his friend "and I just joined the Knights of Columbus !"


----------



## 57Chevy (20 Jul 2013)

:nod:


----------



## MikeL (31 Jul 2013)

When you see it...


----------



## PMedMoe (31 Jul 2013)

-Skeletor- said:
			
		

> When you see it...



You had ONE job!   :rofl:


----------



## cupper (31 Jul 2013)

-Skeletor- said:
			
		

> When you see it...



You know it's bad enough that US tourists wear Canadian flags when traveling to hide the fact they are Americans.

But now they try and dress like our troops too?

 :facepalm:


----------



## vonGarvin (31 Jul 2013)

And the British Tank!


----------



## PMedMoe (2 Aug 2013)

<Insert Hannibal Lecter's "tongue" sound here>   >


----------



## Retired AF Guy (5 Aug 2013)

The British are coming!!


----------



## Rifleman62 (10 Aug 2013)

Once upon a time, after the Big War, there was this scud running former fighter pilot caught by nightfall's rapid approach with commensurately dwindling visibility, better find a field FAST! Our intrepid aviator at the last minute gets a glimpse of a field of new mown hay through a hole in the clouds.

Relieved at his good fortune, he lands and taxis up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer comes out onto the front porch and says, "You can spend the night in the barn, but stay away from my daughter." As he lay down, starting to doze off, said daughter brought him a plate of supper. The conversation led to romance and the farmer's number one rule was broken.

As dawn broke our hero got long gone. Some seven years later, the pilot passed over the farm and decided to land and pay a visit. However, as he approached the house he saw a six-year-old boy standing in the front yard with the object of his former passion. The daughter, sensing his question said, "Yes, this is your son."

"Why didn't you let me know, I would've done the right thing," he said.

The daughter then replied, "We discussed it, even prayed about it, but in the end we thought it was better to have a bastard in the family than a fighter pilot.”


----------



## PMedMoe (13 Aug 2013)

The 35 Best Times Someone On Facebook Thought ‘The Onion’ Was Real

 :facepalm:

 ;D


----------



## Rifleman62 (18 Aug 2013)

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food.
Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming...

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up on the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time... So... Do you think we should... well... You know... Screw her?"


"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other lawyer


----------



## Rifleman62 (19 Aug 2013)

4 year Old’s first job.......
  
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.  The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.  At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us." 

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f------' drywall..."


----------



## Cbbmtt (19 Aug 2013)

Rifleman62 said:
			
		

> 4 year Old’s first job.......
> 
> Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
> 
> ...



Thank you for this!!! Made my Monday.


----------



## Rifleman62 (27 Aug 2013)

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!'

'What powerful rivers!'

'What beautiful animals!'

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.  He tripped and fell on the ground.  

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:

'Oh my God!'

Time stopped.  The bear froze.  The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky,

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.  Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?  Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well', said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'


----------



## vonGarvin (27 Aug 2013)

Deployment to Syria has begun....


----------



## Journeyman (27 Aug 2013)

Technoviking said:
			
		

> Deployment to Syria has begun....



We think this is a step in the right direction and a humanitarian way of dealing with these people,” said Pentagon spokesman George Little, although he refused to clear up confusion among reporters of whether he was talking about Syrian civilians or the hundreds of douchebags who play airsoft and think that gives them military experience.

:rofl:


----------



## jollyjacktar (28 Aug 2013)

> ALERTS TO THREATS
> IN 2013 EUROPE
> 
> From JOHN CLEESE
> ...


----------



## CougarKing (30 Aug 2013)

*The Chain of Command* (USN ranks) 

Admiral - Leaps over tall buildings with a single bound. Is more powerful than a locomotive. Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy guidance to God.

Captain - Leaps short buildings with a single bound. Is more powerful than a small engine. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water if the sea is calm. Talks with GOD.

Commander - Leaps short buildings with a running start. Is almost as powerful as a small engine. Is slower than a speeding bullet. Walks on water in indoor swimming pools. Talks with GOD if special form is provided.

Lieutenant commander - Barely clears little huts. Loses tug of war with small engine. Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by GOD.

Lieutenant - Crashes into buildings trying to leap over them. Is run over by small engines. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self - injury. Dog paddles. Talks to animals.

Lieutenant Junior Grade - Cannot recognize buildings. Recognizes small engines two or three times. Is not issued ammunition. Can stay afloat if instructed in Mae West. Talks to walls.

Ensign - Falls over doorstep when trying to enter a building. Says "Look at the Choo-choo" when locomotive passes by. Not allowed elastic for his slingshot. Plays in puddles. Mumbles to himself.

Chief Petty Officer - Lifts tall buildings and walks under them. Kicks Locomotives off tracks. Catches Bullets in teeth and eats them. Freezes water with a single glance. He is GOD!



A Chief Petty Officer does not drink.
But if he does, he will not get drunk.
But if he does, he will not fall down.
But if he does, he will fall in such a manner as to cover his CPO devices on his collar so that any civilian walking by will assume it’s a Naval Officer.


----------



## vonGarvin (30 Aug 2013)

Looks like there was a clerical error recently in the US...


----------



## PMedMoe (30 Aug 2013)

From White Whine:







Quote below pic:
Not only did I not know they made knives just for tomatoes, I also didn’t know you could get a $100 one. I guess we learn something new and disturbing every day. 

Safe to say, I think I could post this in the "stupidest things" thread......    :


----------



## Fishbone Jones (30 Aug 2013)

Anyone that pays $100 for a 'tomato' knife shouldn't be allowed to have one.




Or anything else sharp.


----------



## PMedMoe (30 Aug 2013)

recceguy said:
			
		

> Anyone that pays $100 for a 'tomato' knife shouldn't be allowed to have one.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Or, if they get one, they should have to stick it immediately in their eye.    :nod:


----------



## cupper (31 Aug 2013)

Now how many ginsu knives could you buy for $100.00?


----------



## Rifleman62 (2 Sep 2013)

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE  


What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ? 
_The position of the dirt bag._

Why is divorce so expensive ?
_Because it's worth it. 
_
What do you call a smart blonde ?
_A golden retriever._

What do lawyers use for birth control ? 
_Their personalities.._

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife ? 
_30 lbs._. 

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband ? 
_45 minutes._

What's the fastest way to a man's heart ? 
_Through his chest with a sharp knife._

Why do men want to marry virgins ?
_They can't stand criticism. _

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking ? 
_Because those men already have boyfriends. 
_
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog ?
_After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. _

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying ? 
_The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. _

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in Gr. 8. Who has the biggest boobs ?
_The blonde, because she's 18..... _

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW ?
_A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. _

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant ? 
_'Are you sure it's mine ?' _

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? 
_Breast's don't have eyes._

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other ?
_A speech impediment. _

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo ?
_An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe._

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F_ _k Word ?
_Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! _

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale ?
_A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time..'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiiit'. _

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
_No one's tall enough to go on the good rides._


----------



## Rifleman62 (4 Sep 2013)

*Letter From Camp* 

Dear Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the 
flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping 
bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all 
up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't 
write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue 
Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't 
been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without 
telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he 
probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it 
will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of 
our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

 We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It 
wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. 
Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to 
break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if 
it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 
45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the  trailer
until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In 
fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there 
aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming 
out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and 
Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast , so he let us take the 
canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water 
from the flood.
  
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even 
get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the 
bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew 
dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet 
works.  Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just 
food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way 
with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our 
scoutmaster.

He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was 
doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy 
some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight 
it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.


----------



## PMedMoe (5 Sep 2013)

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots _back_ onto his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."


ullhair:


She'll be eligible for parole in three years.     ;D


----------



## Rifleman62 (5 Sep 2013)

*Power outage*

We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately. It was raining so hard I couldn’t go on line to Army.ca or go golfing so I had to talk to my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.


----------



## Rifleman62 (14 Sep 2013)

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:             

*GUTS* - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?' 

*BALLS* - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.' 

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.             

Both are fatal.


----------



## George Wallace (16 Sep 2013)

SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW

 'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!'

 This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in
 Glamorgan, South Wales .

 You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

 However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.

 After all, it is ONLY A SIGN, you may say.

 'What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?'



















 Answer:
 A FUNERAL PARLOUR.

 (WHO SAID UNDERTAKERS HAD NO SENSE OF HUMOUR?)
 YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!!!


----------



## GAP (17 Sep 2013)

Pranksters rig their pal's house so the taps flow with BEER instead of water

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HG_wfMK7dko&feature=youtu.be


----------



## krustyrl (17 Sep 2013)

The Hunting Accident 



A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals. 
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. 
"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot." 
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter. 
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister." 
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?" 
" Not exactly answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."


----------



## observor 69 (24 Sep 2013)

Gotta love those grand-kids .

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her,
What day is tomorrow?" ..

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Prime Minister Day!" .

She's smart, so I asked her "What does Prime Minister Day mean?" .

I was waiting for something about Trudeau or Martin, etc.,
She replied, "Prime Minister Day is when the Prime Minister steps out of
the Prime Minister Mansion,  And if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years
of Bull Shit."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose


----------



## Rifleman62 (27 Sep 2013)

It had to happen sooner or later.......................
 Blonde Men!

 A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
 The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
 ------------------------------------
 Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
 One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
 The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
 ------------------------------------
 A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex.
 The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
 To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
 ------------------------------------
 A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
 He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
 ------------------------------
 A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
 "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
 The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
 The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
 ------------------------------------
 A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
 It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
 He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
 -----------------------------------
 A blond man shouts frantically into the phone
 "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
 "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
 "No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"
 ------------------------------------
 A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
 A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
 The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging back and forth!"
 ------------------------------------
 A blond man is in jail.. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
 "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
 "Hanging myself," the blond replies.
 "It should be around your neck" says the guard.
 "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".
 ------------------------------------
 (This one actually makes sense...sort of...)
 An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
 To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."


----------



## PMedMoe (30 Sep 2013)

;D


----------



## Rifleman62 (7 Oct 2013)

A true story. Seems the best place to post:

NEVER TOO LATE TO MAKE AMENDS 

World War II veteran Jim Williams of Springfield, Ill., stole a picture of Ruby Ruff in 1943 from her parents’ home in Portland, Ore. And now she has it back. As the Daily News of Longview, Ore. reported, Williams was invited to Ruby’s home as part of her family’s effort to make servicemen from nearby Depoe Bay feel at home. Though he and Ruby were just friends, Williams said he envied his bunkmates who had pictures of their sweethearts and took the photo. He regretted doing so, but said he was shipped out before he could give it back. During a recent vacation to the West Coast, Williams tracked down the now Ruby Hazen to return the photo, saying it “survived torpedo attacks, aircraft strafing, shore battery firings and 30 consecutive nights of bombing, two wives and a typhoon in the China seas.” He sent her six roses as thanks for “sharing his war years” and six yellow roses for her husband “in case [Williams] had caused him any embarrassment.”


----------



## 211RadOp (7 Oct 2013)

It’s enough to make you cancel your reservation

A vacation is supposed to be your time away from the crazy. Remind me never to travel to any of the same vacation spots these people have booked. I’ll take that upgrade and trade you a bus tour of “OH MY GOD THESE PEOPLE ARE NUTS!”

—

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY “THOMAS COOK VACATIONS FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS” :

1. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”

2. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.”

3. “On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”

4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price”

5. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”

6. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”

7. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”

8. “No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”

9. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”

10. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”

11. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.”

12. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England . It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”

13. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”

14. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort’. We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.”

15. “There were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”

16. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”

17. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”

18. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”

19. “My fiance and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”

http://blogdramedy.wordpress.com/2013/10/02/its-enough-to-make-you-cancel-your-reservation/


----------



## PMedMoe (8 Oct 2013)

CNN report on giant hornets puts Hong Kong in South America






Whoops!

 :rofl:


----------



## PMedMoe (8 Oct 2013)

:facepalm:


----------



## GAP (8 Oct 2013)

Somebody should take that proud mommy aside and sh introduce her to contractions...... :


----------



## cupper (8 Oct 2013)

It appears that Mommy is at least no smarter than a 2nd Grader.

Or CNN.


----------



## cupper (8 Oct 2013)

I give you the hidden victim of the US Government Shutdown, the Furlough Spouse.

*Spouses of the furloughed, to Congress: Take them back — please.*

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/for-spouses-of-the-furloughed-shutdown-downtime-can-lead-to-domestic-discordspouses-of-the-furloughed-to-congress-take-my-husband--please/2013/10/08/bef7590e-3027-11e3-8906-3daa2bcde110_story.html?hpid=z5



> On Monday morning, Susie Krasnican of Silver Spring walked in on her husband, on the floor, goo-gooing at the cat. “He was using the new toy that our cat is completely fixated on” and making vacant cooing noises that she hadn’t heard since their teenage children were infants.
> 
> “It’s hard to be sure,” Krasnican says, assessing her husband’s sudden feline communing. “But I feel that the furlough had to have contributed in some way.”
> 
> ...


----------



## observor 69 (9 Oct 2013)

His request approved, the CNN News photographer

quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport

to charter a flight. 

He was told a twin-engine plane

would be waiting for him at the airport. 


Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane

warming up outside a hanger. 
  
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut,

and shouted, 'Let's go'. 

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane

into the wind and took off.

 Once in the air, the photographer instructed

the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make

low passes so I can take pictures

of the fires on the hillsides.' 

Why?' asked the pilot. 


'Because I'm a photographer for CNN',

he responded, 'and I need to get

some close up shots.' 


 The pilot was strangely silent for a moment,

finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me,

is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'


----------



## PMedMoe (16 Oct 2013)

Hey, it was worth a try.....   :nod:






 ;D


----------



## vonGarvin (16 Oct 2013)




----------



## CougarKing (17 Oct 2013)




----------



## PMedMoe (18 Oct 2013)

Wasn't sure whether to post this under "dumb" things or "Darwin candidates", but then, I decided, it was just funny (and stupid, but hey, it's _Ke$hia_)....

Ke$ha electrocutes herself while grinding on power tool

Pop star Kesha's bizarre stage antics almost led to an emergency dash to the hospital during a recent show when she electrocuted herself with a power tool.

More at link

 :rofl:  

Idiot.   :


----------



## Fishbone Jones (18 Oct 2013)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> Wasn't sure whether to post this under "dumb" things or "Darwin candidates", but then, I decided, it was just funny (and stupid, but hey, it's _Ke$hia_)....
> 
> Ke$ha electrocutes herself while grinding on power tool
> 
> ...



"this post is worthless without video" :nod:


----------



## PMedMoe (18 Oct 2013)

recceguy said:
			
		

> "this post is worthless without video" :nod:



I'm sure it'll be out there soon.....


----------



## CougarKing (18 Oct 2013)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> I'm sure it'll be out there soon.....



Surprised it hasn't happened to Miley Cyrus yet.  ;D


----------



## 211RadOp (18 Oct 2013)

Just watched this clip.  Russell Brand interviewing members of the Westboro Baptist Chuch

http://samuel-warde.com/2012/12/this-is-what-happens-when-russell-brand-interviews-westboro-baptist-church-leaders/


----------



## CougarKing (19 Oct 2013)

;D

Taiwanese anchorwoman's major makeup malfunction


----------



## BeyondTheNow (20 Oct 2013)

I believe I have received the same look on occasion...


----------



## CougarKing (21 Oct 2013)

Taken from another forum: I can never understand some American military personnel's fixation with mythical Chuck Norris jokes.  ;D


Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia, fear
of tight spaces is called claustrophobia, and
fear of Chuck Norris is just plain logic.


Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris
uppercutted a horse.


Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity, he
got it back.


In the early 70's Chuck Norris and Arnold
Schwarzenegger got into a fight. With just
one round house kick to the face, Arnold
hasn't talked the same ever since


----------



## agc (22 Oct 2013)

Absolutely priceless voicemail


----------



## cupper (23 Oct 2013)

So true.


----------



## observor 69 (24 Oct 2013)

Can we talk about the word queue

How many of those letters are really necessary

I count one


----------



## PMedMoe (24 Oct 2013)

Fake....  http://www.liveleak.com/ll_embed?f=24113d89dfd8

Would have been funny if it was real.


----------



## CougarKing (24 Oct 2013)

This commercial: 

quote: "Dressing (a lie) up doesn't make it true" 

Sooo wrong...  :blotto:


----------



## PMedMoe (25 Oct 2013)

Terrible real estate agent photographs

The captions are the best.   :nod:


----------



## cupper (25 Oct 2013)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> Terrible real estate agent photographs
> 
> The captions are the best.   :nod:



Drink'n with my whaaaa?

 :rofl:


----------



## BeyondTheNow (25 Oct 2013)

.


----------



## observor 69 (26 Oct 2013)

Thanks Twitter: (edit forgot my  ;D)


----------



## BeyondTheNow (27 Oct 2013)

Indubitably


----------



## vonGarvin (27 Oct 2013)

How many people of a defined group does it take to change a light bulb ?

Answer: One to change the bulb, and the rest to behave in a manner stereotypical of their group.


----------



## observor 69 (28 Oct 2013)

BEAR INTERRUPTS PHOTO SHOOT


Bloody dangerous place Canada... the bears are huge and very curious...

See what happens when a huge brown bear decides to take a closer look at a film shoot for a washing machine.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/eryxAcsTcOA?rel=0


----------



## cupper (28 Oct 2013)

Baden  Guy said:
			
		

> BEAR INTERRUPTS PHOTO SHOOT
> 
> 
> Bloody dangerous place Canada... the bears are huge and very curious...
> ...



 :rofl:


----------



## Retired AF Guy (30 Oct 2013)

Baden  Guy said:
			
		

> BEAR INTERRUPTS PHOTO SHOOT
> 
> 
> Bloody dangerous place Canada... the bears are huge and very curious...
> ...



Knew something was up when they showed a grizzly bear wondering through the snow drifts when normally they would be hibernating. Unfortunately, my computer keep crashing after the bear starts "shedding" so I didn't get to see the full video. Still, the part that I did see looked pretty good.


----------



## GAP (31 Oct 2013)

A photographer on vacation in Orlando was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The photographer, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The photographer thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the photographer.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York.

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it.

The photographer, upon leaving Vermont, decided to travel up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.

He arrived in Canada, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'

The photographer was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.  'Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Canada now, son ... it's a local call.'


----------



## George Wallace (31 Oct 2013)

http://www.upworthy.com/see-why-we-have-an-absolutely-ridiculous-standard-of-beauty-in-just-37-seconds?g=2&c=ufb1

No need to purchase an expensive Photoshop program, or a similar program, when a case of beer will have the same effects.


----------



## Cbbmtt (31 Oct 2013)

https://www.google.ca/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&docid=8z3W9fZcQeCTdM&tbnid=oe1FELee3NqOuM:&ved=0CAUQjRw&url=http%3A%2F%2Fpicpedia.com%2Fvideo-games&ei=Ur9yUt7QJMr2iwKvsoGgBA&bvm=bv.55819444,d.cGE&psig=AFQjCNF1XVxP8n9GyahBM2D6TD0ZTuH4xw&ust=1383338158836715

LOL.


----------



## PMedMoe (31 Oct 2013)

Happy Halloween!!


----------



## Journeyman (2 Nov 2013)




----------



## cupper (2 Nov 2013)

Journeyman said:
			
		

>



Is it a bad sign that I kept trying to tilt my laptop to get them both to line up? :nod:


----------



## GAP (6 Nov 2013)

23 ADULT TRUTHS

1 Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 

6. Was learning cursive really necessary? 

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. 

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired. 

10. Bad decisions make good stories. 

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. 

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. 

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. 

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay. 

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. 

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? 

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! 

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. 

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet 
everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time. 

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. 

Ladies.....Quit Laughing.


----------



## Journeyman (6 Nov 2013)

GAP said:
			
		

> Bad decisions make good stories.


   :nod:


----------



## BeyondTheNow (6 Nov 2013)

16 reasons to root against the evil Canadians at the Winter Olympics

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjkiebus/reasons-to-root-against-the-evil-canadians-at-the-winter


----------



## cavalryman (6 Nov 2013)

BeyondTheNow said:
			
		

> 16 reasons to root against the evil Canadians at the Winter Olympics
> 
> http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjkiebus/reasons-to-root-against-the-evil-canadians-at-the-winter


I heartily agree with #5.  It took a whole bottle of Jack to wipe the taste of Maple Moose from my mouth.


----------



## cupper (6 Nov 2013)

BeyondTheNow said:
			
		

> 16 reasons to root against the evil Canadians at the Winter Olympics
> 
> http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjkiebus/reasons-to-root-against-the-evil-canadians-at-the-winter



I have to agree with #7. ;D


----------



## Tank Troll (7 Nov 2013)

I don't understand the last one...................why are they pissed at Steven Harper? He hardly does any thing down there?


----------



## vonGarvin (7 Nov 2013)

GAP said:
			
		

> 23 ADULT TRUTHS
> 6. Was learning cursive really necessary?


Yes 


			
				GAP said:
			
		

> 15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.


My freezer has a light


----------



## pbi (7 Nov 2013)

MORE ADULT TRUTHS:

24: Nothing you say to your kids makes any sense to them until about 20 years later.

25: "Yes Dear" isn't just something men say to their wives in 1960's sitcoms: it's a survival mechanism.

26. Winning an argument with your wife is losing. But this is irrelevant because achieving this is actually impossible.

27. You can be either married, or right. Not both.

28. You didn't bring enough tools to do that "quick little job". In fact, you don't OWN enough tools to do it.

(And, yes I actually am very happily married...)


----------



## 211RadOp (7 Nov 2013)

pbi said:
			
		

> MORE ADULT TRUTHS:
> 
> 28. You didn't bring enough tools to do that "quick little job". In fact, you don't OWN enough tools to do it.



And the amount of tools you need for the "quick little job" is inverse in proportion to the distance to the nearest Canadian Tire to buy the tools you need.  And it will always be more than one trip.


----------



## pbi (8 Nov 2013)

211RadOp said:
			
		

> And the amount of tools you need for the "quick little job" is inverse in proportion to the distance to the nearest Canadian Tire to buy the tools you need.  And it will always be more than one trip.



This is scientific fact. 

Also, the likelihood of discovering that you didn't buy enough of "X" (where "X' is a critical material necessary to finish the job) is directly proportionate to ("D' x "U") where "D' is the distance to the hardware store and "U" is the urgency of the situation (glue is setting, leak is getting worse, promised you would be done in 30 minutes ).

If you are by yourself with nobody to help you, modify by 100x.


----------



## Journeyman (8 Nov 2013)

pbi said:
			
		

> If you are by yourself with nobody to help you, modify by 100x.


I would suggest that 'by yourself' is worlds better than 'overwatched by woman, tapping foot with arms crossed'


----------



## PMedMoe (8 Nov 2013)

Think you are ready to have children?

Example:

Test 4: Dressing Small Children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

More at link


 ;D


----------



## pbi (8 Nov 2013)

Except an octopus is unlikely to scream out "_I have to pee!_" or "_He's looking at me_!" while you're shoving it in the string bag.


----------



## cupper (8 Nov 2013)

pbi said:
			
		

> This is scientific fact.
> 
> Also, the likelihood of discovering that you didn't buy enough of "X" (where "X' is a critical material necessary to finish the job) is directly proportionate to ("D' x "U") where "D' is the distance to the hardware store and "U" is the urgency of the situation (glue is setting, leak is getting worse, promised you would be done in 30 minutes ).
> 
> If you are by yourself with nobody to help you, modify by 100x.



You forgot to add in the factor for going back only to find that they are out of X, and the nearest store that has some in stock is DU km away.


----------



## cupper (8 Nov 2013)

Journeyman said:
			
		

> I would suggest that 'by yourself' is worlds better than 'overwatched by woman, tapping foot with arms crossed'



You've met my wife!  ;D


----------



## marinemech (8 Nov 2013)




----------



## observor 69 (10 Nov 2013)

Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew & make beds, is in good health & he's already used to taking orders. 


Ain't that the truth.


----------



## PMedMoe (11 Nov 2013)

>


----------



## CougarKing (13 Nov 2013)

;D


----------



## GnyHwy (14 Nov 2013)

.


----------



## SoldierInAYear (16 Nov 2013)

Russian Military Choir - Get Lucky cover (Daft punk)

http://youtu.be/P08B_lBUL0E


----------



## cupper (16 Nov 2013)

Paul_Ontario said:
			
		

> Russian Military Choir - Get Lucky cover (Daft punk)
> 
> http://youtu.be/P08B_lBUL0E



'Cause We're a bunch of Wiiild and Craaaaazzzzy Guys!


----------



## BeyondTheNow (17 Nov 2013)

"HELL EXPLAINED
BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting........ 'Oh- my- God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+"


----------



## George Wallace (17 Nov 2013)

Always loved that story...... >


----------



## GAP (18 Nov 2013)

A simple comparison

The reason why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs" and "Huggies", while undergarments for old people are called "Depends".

When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.

When old people poop in their pants, changing them "Depends" on who's in the will.

 There, now, wasn't that simple?


----------



## Journeyman (19 Nov 2013)

Hey, you have your sport, I have mine.   ;D


----------



## GAP (20 Nov 2013)

Cemetery Music.

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he
hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He
finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a
headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827". 

Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played
backward! 

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time
it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played
backward. 

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the
expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. 

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order
in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. 

By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the
grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. 

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music. 

"I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says. 

"He's decomposing."


----------



## GAP (20 Nov 2013)

.


----------



## GnyHwy (20 Nov 2013)

.


----------



## 211RadOp (20 Nov 2013)

Pamela Wallin called Mike Duffy into her office one day and said, "Mike, I have a plan to win back Canadian support for you, Patrick Brazeau & me"

 "Great Pamela, but how?" asked Mike.

 "We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like those Middle Class Canadians wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Alberta and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there." 

 So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Coronation, Alberta. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.

 The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Mike Duffy and Pamela Wallin?" 

 "Yes we are!" said Pamela, "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Mike suggested we stop and take in some local color."

 They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

 A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar. 

 For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.

 Finally, Pamela asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"

 "Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!"


----------



## Journeyman (20 Nov 2013)

What Country Believes Most in Evolution?






I have to suspect that Canada has been deleted from this list simply because Rob Ford has skewed so many of our beliefs.   :nod:


----------



## CougarKing (20 Nov 2013)

Jean Claude Van Damne.  :

He just destroyed any interest I had whatsoever in buying a VOLVO car.

Here's why.


----------



## George Wallace (22 Nov 2013)

Male thinking  
  Flawless thinking... 


Woman: 
Do you drink beer? 

Man: Yes 

Woman: 
How many beers a day? 

Man: 
Usually about 3 

Woman: 
How much do you pay per beer? 

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip 

(This is where it gets scary !) 

Woman: 
And how long have you been drinking? 

Man: 
About 20 years, I suppose 

Woman: 
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct? 

Man: 
Correct 

Woman: 
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct? 

Man: 
Correct 

Woman: 
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting 
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? 

Man: 
Do you drink beer? 

Woman: 
No 

Man: 
Where's your Ferrari?


----------



## Retired AF Guy (22 Nov 2013)

Journeyman said:
			
		

> What Country Believes Most in Evolution?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 Or may because apart from the U.S. and Japan all the other countries are European?


----------



## Retired AF Guy (22 Nov 2013)

S.M.A. said:
			
		

> Jean Claude Van Damne.  :
> 
> He just destroyed any interest I had whatsoever in buying a VOLVO car.
> 
> Here's why.



I don't know, if the advert wasn't photoshopped or whatever I thought it was pretty cool.


----------



## marinemech (22 Nov 2013)

problem solving is Fun


----------



## George Wallace (23 Nov 2013)

Where's the little girl?


----------



## Journeyman (25 Nov 2013)

Retired AF Guy said:
			
		

> Or may because apart from the U.S. and Japan all the other countries are European?


Try not to overthink this; it's the joke thread.


----------



## George Wallace (2 Dec 2013)

Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo) Well, Picabo is not just an athlete. She is now a nurse currently working at an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, Picabo, I.C.U


----------



## George Wallace (5 Dec 2013)

Captain Spends 13 Hours Coming Up With Cool Operation Name, 15 Minutes Planning Mission


Hmmmmm?  Could it be too close to the truth?


----------



## GAP (6 Dec 2013)

Guarantee you'll never go on a blind date again

http://www.toilette-humor.com/funny_adult_videos/the_blind_date.shtml


----------



## Sythen (7 Dec 2013)

Not sure if this has been posted before, but I can't stop laughing at it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVSBtivbUs4&feature=youtu.be


----------



## The Bread Guy (11 Dec 2013)

.... from Santa's marketing "Brand Book" attached - the writing suggestions (slide 13) should look familiar to anyone who's had their writing "edited by committee".


----------



## PMedMoe (12 Dec 2013)

From Failbook:







 :rofl:


----------



## Journeyman (13 Dec 2013)

:nod:


----------



## s2184 (18 Dec 2013)

This is my personal experience, not that funny:

Yesterday evening I dropped off My cousin's family at Pearson Airport as they left for overseas.

By the time I was about to say good bye to them, and gave them hugs I was giving my niece & nephew little advises.

I told my niece to be nice with her mom & not to yell at her as much as she can. Because, I had noticed at their house in couple of instances how bad she was talking to her mom.

Before I finished my words, she started defending her stand and asked me: "Ok, well. Don't you ever yell at your mom? Do you all the time agree with your mom and let her to do whatever she wants?"

I was speechless, because I never expected she was going to take me as an example to defend her position.

I wanted to say "come on man, I am 18 years older than you and your mom is nineteen years younger than my mom". 

But, she had started to move away ignoring my advises and her brother gave me a weird look as he was the one next in line to receive my advise. ;D

Even though I was kind of embarrassed by her response, I told about this conversation to her dad when we were returning from the airport.

He laughed & told me the boy was not that smart to talk like his sister. Then, he started justifying her stand gladly as he had hard time winning arguments over his wife. :facepalm:

I am not sure if I was smart like my niece at her age now 18yrs ago.


----------



## CougarKing (18 Dec 2013)

LOL 'fast rope delivery' 
 >


----------



## George Wallace (19 Dec 2013)

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY 1. Feed him 2. Sleep with him 3. Leave him with peace 4. Don't check his phone (Msgs) 5. Don't bother him with his movements So whats so hard about that ? 

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY It's really not too difficult but.... To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be: 1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a master 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a plumber 10. a mechanic 11. a carpenter 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a sexologist 15. a gynecologist 16. a psychologist 17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer 20. a good listener 21. an organizer 22. a good father 23. very clean 24. sympathetic 25. athletic 26. warm 27. attentive 28. gallant 29. intelligent 30. funny 31. creative 32. tender 33. strong 34. understanding 35. tolerant 36. prudent 37. ambitious 38. capable 39. courageous 40. determined 41. true 42. dependable 43. passionate 
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 44. give her compliments regularly 45. Go shopping with her 46. be honest 47. be very rich 48. not stress her out 49. not look at other girls AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO: 50. give her lots of attention 51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself 52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes. 
BUT MOST OF ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT 53. never forget *birthdays *anniversaries *valentine *arrangements she makes. —


----------



## PMedMoe (19 Dec 2013)




----------



## cupper (19 Dec 2013)

It's a bad indictment of the _eduction_ system when even auto correct says screw it, you are on your own.


----------



## brihard (19 Dec 2013)

cupper said:
			
		

> It's a bad indictment of the _eduction_ system when even auto correct says screw it, you are on your own.



Autocorrect is just a bored lackey at the NSA screwing with you in real time...


----------



## PMedMoe (20 Dec 2013)

cupper said:
			
		

> It's a bad indictment of the _eduction_ system when even auto correct says screw it, you are on your own.



You know you can turn off auto correct, right?


----------



## George Wallace (20 Dec 2013)

TOO Fast.....Too Furious.....TOOOOOO FUNNY


----------



## cupper (20 Dec 2013)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> You know you can turn off auto correct, right?



I had mine committed to the asylum long ago when I realized it was a product of today's free language system.

Type 3 letters and it comes up with suggestions that don't even have those 3 letters in any of them.  : My dogs have better language skills than that. :nod:

And don't get me started on that dumb ass Siri!


----------



## cjette1 (21 Dec 2013)

Here's a short joke (not intended to offend anybody)

A baby seal walks into a club....


----------



## Journeyman (21 Dec 2013)

cjette1 said:
			
		

> Here's a short joke (not intended to offend anybody)
> 
> A baby seal walks into a club....


If that's the standard of one-liners......

This guy with a premature ejaculation problem just came out of nowhere.......


----------



## Yrys (21 Dec 2013)

Journeyman said:
			
		

> This guy with a premature ejaculation problem just came out of nowhere.......



 :crybaby:

God !

VERY good one  :nod:

 :snowman:

... and Merry Christmas to you


----------



## Rifleman62 (25 Dec 2013)

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

_Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.
_
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16.. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.


----------



## CougarKing (25 Dec 2013)

What next? Will China next lay claim to the moon, citing a conveniently discovered document saying that their ancient treasure fleets went as far as the moon?  :



> *China Declares Lunar Defense Obliteration Zone*
> 
> The Lunar Defense Obliteration Zone, according to newly appointed space minister Wu Houyi, *“will protect China’s core interests and interplanetary sovereignty.” All foreign spacecraft, satellites, comets and space debris must notify China before passing through or into the zone.*
> 
> ...


----------



## Journeyman (3 Jan 2014)

Remember folks, Christmas holidays are almost over.  By next week, the 'slow' ones will have forgotten a lot.   :nod:


----------



## Rifleman62 (8 Jan 2014)

For all you Pilots:

Terry is 80 years old and flew the Meteor, Vampire, Canberra, Argonaut, VC10, 747 and 777 (amongst others!). 
He was a BOAC/BA training Captain then flew for Virgin and SIA. 

He wrote.....

An Old Pilot's Reflections – (Only pilots can truly relate to these…)

•        Pilots are people who drive airplanes for other people who can't.

•        Passengers are people who say they fly, but really just ride.

•        Fighter Pilots are steely eyed, weapons systems managers who kill bad people and break things. However, they can also be very charming and personable.  The average fighter pilot, despite sometimes having a swaggering exterior, is very much capable of such feelings as love, affection, intimacy and caring.  (However, these feelings don't involve anyone else.)  (AMEN !!!!)

•        Flying is a hard way to earn an easy living.

•        Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the airplane; the pessimist, the parachute.

•        Death is just nature's way of telling you to watch your airspeed.

.     As a pilot only two bad things can happen to you  (and one of them will):

            - One day you will walk out to the aircraft,  knowing it is your last flight.
            - One day you will walk out to the  aircraft, not knowing it is your last flight.

•        There are rules and there are laws:

             - The rules are made by men who think that they know how to fly your airplane better than you. 
             - The laws (of physics) were ordained by God. 
             - You can and sometimes should suspend the rules, but  you can never suspend the laws. 

* About Rules:

             - The rules are a good place to hide if you don't have a better idea and the talent to execute it.
             - If you deviate from a rule, it must be a flawless performance (e.g., if  you fly under a bridge, don't hit the bridge.)

•        Before each flight, make sure that your bladder is empty and your fuel tanks are full.

•        He who demands everything that his aircraft can give him is a pilot; he who demands one iota more is a fool.

•        There are certain aircraft sounds that can only be heard at night and over the ocean. Most of them are scary.

•        The aircraft limits are only there in case there is another flight by that particular aircraft.  If subsequent flights do not appear likely, there are no limits.

•        "If the Wright brothers were alive today, Wilbur would have to fire Orville to reduce costs." (President, DELTA  Airlines.)

•        In the Alaskan bush, I'd rather have a two-hour  bladder and three hours of gas than vice versa.

•        An old pilot is one who can remember when flying was dangerous and sex was safe.

•        Airlines have really changed; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

•        I've flown in both pilot seats.  Can someone tell me why the other one is always occupied by an idiot?

•        And my favorite; You have to make up your mind about growing up and becoming a pilot.  You can't do both.


----------



## dapaterson (9 Jan 2014)

A domestic dispute over space aliens escalated Saturday morning when a lingerie-clad New Mexico woman allegedly pointed a silver handgun at her boyfriend, a weapon she retrieved from her vagina, where it had been placed while the accused was performing a sex act, police allege.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/vagina-as-holster-675432


----------



## cupper (9 Jan 2014)

> While using the gat as a sex toy, McCarthy reportedly asked her boyfriend, “Who is crazy, you or me?” The probable cause statement, drafted by Deputy Chris Zook, does not indicate whether McCarthy’s boyfriend dared to answer that query.



Not sure if I would have answered either.


----------



## OldSolduer (11 Jan 2014)

dapaterson said:
			
		

> A domestic dispute over space aliens escalated Saturday morning when a lingerie-clad New Mexico woman allegedly pointed a silver handgun at her boyfriend, a weapon she retrieved from her vagina, where it had been placed while the accused was performing a sex act, police allege.
> 
> http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/vagina-as-holster-675432



Gives a whole new meaning to "Make My Day".....


----------



## GAP (13 Jan 2014)

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.
Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army.

Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.

The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?'

The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.'

The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question,

'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly,

'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also.

The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.

The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the Sergeant Major said,

'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'

The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?'

'Well, sir,' the soldier replied, 'it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f*****g ears.'


----------



## CougarKing (14 Jan 2014)

;D

Someone's coming to Toronto...

"Yes it's a bloody big deal"


----------



## a_majoor (14 Jan 2014)

The real reason all those UFO stories are fake: Aliens are terrified of humans.

After all, we arethe ONLY species that is immune to "halting problem attacks"... ;D Embedded video is just awesome!

http://sploid.gizmodo.com/what-if-the-rest-of-the-alien-universe-was-terrified-of-1498217767/@caseychan



> *What if the rest of the alien universe was terrified of humans?*
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcPqk-O-fD4
> 
> ...


----------



## OldSolduer (14 Jan 2014)

Winter Warfare candidate.

He passed but is useless in temperate conditons.


----------



## GAP (17 Jan 2014)

Drunken Newfie

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.
"Stay where you are," she said."He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four.  What's going on?"

"Nonsense," said the wife.  "You're so drunk you miscounted.  Get out of bed and try again.  You can see better from over there."

The husband climbed out of bed and counted.  "One, two, three, four. Damn, you're right."


----------



## George Wallace (18 Jan 2014)

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.  Then I caught her spending $60 on make up; so I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.   She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.  I told her that's what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.


----------



## SoldierInAYear (18 Jan 2014)

Sorry if repost!

Marines in Afghanistan bid farewell to porn

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0csrAjchT4&feature=share


----------



## observor 69 (19 Jan 2014)

Mary Fitzgerald ‏@MaryFitzger  Jan 17  
Libya's sweet tooth: Cinnabon was first US franchise to open in Libya in July 2012.
 Now Tripoli store biggest grossing Cinnabon in the world.


----------



## Fishbone Jones (19 Jan 2014)

Baden Guy said:
			
		

> Mary Fitzgerald ‏@MaryFitzger  Jan 17
> Libya's sweet tooth: Cinnabon was first US franchise to open in Libya in July 2012.
> Now Tripoli store biggest grossing Cinnabon in the world.



Baby steps :nod:


----------



## Rifleman62 (24 Jan 2014)

I couldn't help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar the other day.

One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."

His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age, sitting a couple of stools down had also over-heard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit!"


----------



## cupper (25 Jan 2014)

The customer reviews are great.

http://www.amazon.com/Images-SI-Inc-Uranium-Ore/dp/B000796XXM/ref=pd_sim_sbs_b_8?tag=btram-20


----------



## CougarKing (26 Jan 2014)

Holy weird name BATMAN!!!  ;D



> *"Batman Suparman" Jailed in Singapore for Theft, Trespassing*
> By J.T. Quigley
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## x_para76 (29 Jan 2014)

I found this amusing.


----------



## Journeyman (3 Feb 2014)

*
....so I've been told*


----------



## observor 69 (26 Feb 2014)

Budget Cuts To Bring Military Spending Down To Pre-Civil War Levels

By G-Had | February 26, 2014


THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel proposed deep and far-reaching cuts across the military on Monday, vowing to bring spending down to pre-Civil War levels, sources confirmed.

“There are some who would criticize a move towards bringing our military spending down to levels seen in the 1860s,” said Hagel. “But these people don’t understand the evolving nature of warfare.”

While the cuts would hit naval personnel hardest — with a reduction in the overall number of commodores in the service and the suspension of its plan to send gunboats to open up Japan to trade — the Army is also facing the end of its “two tribes” policy of having enough regiments mustered to fend off multiple Indian raids.

In a press briefing, Hagel also explained the need to make drastic cuts to equipment and personnel, but vowed to maintain important research and development funds for projects such as a regiment that can man two skirmisher lines at once and a ship of the line made of iron that runs on “steam power.”

However, plenty of programs will face the surgeon’s hacksaw. “The first thing we need to get rid of is the 32-pounder cannon,” said Hagel. “You need several extra horses to draw it and the reinforced caisson can only travel on the sturdiest dirt roads.”

He added that the Air Force would also see a reduction to “tested and sustainable technology levels,” such as hydrogen-powered dirigibles whose safety record rivals today’s Ospreys.

Hagel refused to comment if the Army would still receive funding for its controversial all-negro units. 


Read more: http://www.duffelblog.com/2014/02/pentagon-budget/#ixzz2uSGKU2vc


----------



## CougarKing (26 Feb 2014)

2 funny, though somewhat disturbing, commercials:

Old Navy "jeans" commercial

Old Spice Mom commercial


----------



## CougarKing (28 Feb 2014)

Jean Claude Van Damne at it again...  ;D

MSN Videos


----------



## CougarKing (16 Mar 2014)

: Family of wimps call 911 after being scared by attack of 22 pound cat...



> PORTLAND, Ore. -- *A 22-pound house cat attacked a baby inside a Portland house, forcing the family and a dog to barricade themselves inside a bedroom, CBS affiliate KOIN reported Monday.*
> 
> The Barker family called 911 shortly before 8 p.m. Sunday, officials said, but said the baby did not need medical attention. The 911 operator stayed on the phone and could hear the cat, Lux, screeching in the background.
> 
> ...


----------



## MeatheadMick (16 Mar 2014)

They had the 911 call playing on the radio here the other day... It was really sad, but quite entertaining.


----------



## Rifleman62 (16 Mar 2014)

This is such a heart warming story !! 
---------------------------------------
Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. 

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, 'Why does it have to be this way?' 

'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?'


----------



## CougarKing (18 Mar 2014)

;D



> March 18, 2014
> *
> U.S. Freezes Putin’s Netflix Account*
> 
> ...


----------



## Loachman (18 Mar 2014)

Perhaps they should actually try that.

It would be the most serious sanction imposed to date, and would be no less effective than any other.


----------



## Journeyman (19 Mar 2014)

For the habitual US-bashers in the crowd.







Personally, I think Washington DC is clutching at straws......but I'm not going to tell the geographically-challenged which one is DC.  


Vermont is interesting though; it's not even per capita.


----------



## cupper (19 Mar 2014)

Got the solution to Ohio's problem, get Kentucky to stop smoking.

Not sure about Virginia's propensity for hate crimes against the disabled. I haven't seen any examples.

As for Colorado, they say marijuana is a gateway drug.


----------



## GAP (24 Mar 2014)

Someone out there 
must be "deadly" at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)! 



PRESBYTERIAN: 
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER



ASTRONOMER: 
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

THE EYES:  
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

  
DORMITORY: 
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

 ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters: 
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

 A DECIMAL POINT: 
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

 THE EARTHQUAKES: 
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE


ELEVEN PLUS TWO: 
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters: 
WOMAN HITLER


----------



## Griffon (24 Mar 2014)

> Personally, I think Washington DC is clutching at straws......but I'm not going to tell the geographically-challenged which one is DC.



I don't see DC!  I see Virginia and Maryland, but no DC...are you going with the "most cursing" from Maryland or "most hate crimes against the disabled" from Virginia?  Gotta ask, Arlington and DC are pretty much the same metro area...

Edit: But I definitely agree with you on the Vermont stat. That's just scary.


----------



## cupper (24 Mar 2014)

Griffon said:
			
		

> Gotta ask, Arlington and DC are pretty much the



In fact, Arlington was once included as part of the 10 mile square partition of land taken from both Maryland and Virginia to make up the District of Columbia. The lands ceded from Virginia were returned in 1846.

The greater DC Metropolitan area extends roughly out 50 miles in all directions from DC proper.


----------



## DexOlesa (26 Mar 2014)

Now I've learned something new. Also, Vermont isn't per capita? That is kind of staggering. Lot of reserve units there or some other factor to explain that?


----------



## Journeyman (27 Mar 2014)




----------



## cupper (27 Mar 2014)

Journeyman said:
			
		

>



:rofl:


----------



## The Bread Guy (30 Mar 2014)

Job ad no longer on Kijiji (still Google cached for now, though), but still worth enjoying!




Scan attached in case link doesn't work for you.


----------



## Rifleman62 (5 Apr 2014)

Andy’s Message (by cellphone): 
_
Honey, a car has hit me when I was out of the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital. 

They have been making tests and taking X-rays. 

The blow to my head has been very strong, fortunately it seems that it did not cause any serious injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot. _


Rita’s Response: 

_Who the f**k is Paula??_


----------



## Loachman (9 Apr 2014)

On the Trail of the Loathsome Swine

https://www.libertyislandmag.com/creator/mibaron/content.html?ln=onthetrailoftheloathsomeswine


----------



## Journeyman (11 Apr 2014)

Saab cup-holder.  Can it get more awesome?   ;D


----------



## Griffon (11 Apr 2014)

Best cup holder ever!


----------



## Journeyman (11 Apr 2014)

And that's in the Saab JAS 39 Gripen   :nod:


----------



## medicineman (11 Apr 2014)

What JM neglected to show was even funnier video - the poor slob trying to put the thing back for an hour  :nod:


----------



## Loachman (11 Apr 2014)

Griffon said:
			
		

> Best cup holder ever!



The best cup holder that I ever had has light reddish-brown hair.


----------



## cupper (11 Apr 2014)

Thats just like those cupholders that they used to build into the front of of computers. ;D


----------



## Griffon (11 Apr 2014)

Loachman said:
			
		

> The best cup holder that I ever had has light reddish-brown hair.



I'm not a fan of that type personally, your drink might disappear on you!


----------



## a_majoor (13 Apr 2014)

Science teacher suspended for teaching....science

http://boingboing.net/2014/04/11/high-school-science-teacher-su.html?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=twitter



> *High school science teacher suspended for teaching science*
> Mark Frauenfelder at 5:11 pm Fri, Apr 11, 2014
> 
> The LA Times reports that Greg Schiller, a popular high school science teacher, was suspended because two of his students made projects that "appeared dangerous to administrators."
> ...



I'm starting to agree with Glenn Reynolds (Instapundit) that sending children to Public Schools (at least in the US) is a form of child abuse. I have a few horror stories of my own about Canadian public schools, but nothing to compare to this sort of stupidity.


----------



## Journeyman (14 Apr 2014)

Speaking of children......


----------



## GAP (14 Apr 2014)

Thucydides said:
			
		

> Science teacher suspended for teaching....science
> 
> http://boingboing.net/2014/04/11/high-school-science-teacher-su.html?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=twitter
> 
> I'm starting to agree with Glenn Reynolds (Instapundit) that sending children to Public Schools (at least in the US) is a form of child abuse. I have a few horror stories of my own about Canadian public schools, but nothing to compare to this sort of stupidity.



Oh, you mean they built one of these.....
(built with my grandson in 2012 for his science project....shoots a golf ball 200 yards using compressed air)


----------



## cupper (14 Apr 2014)

Thucydides said:
			
		

> Science teacher suspended for teaching....science
> 
> http://boingboing.net/2014/04/11/high-school-science-teacher-su.html?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=twitter
> 
> I'm starting to agree with Glenn Reynolds (Instapundit) that sending children to Public Schools (at least in the US) is a form of child abuse. I have a few horror stories of my own about Canadian public schools, but nothing to compare to this sort of stupidity.



I suppose my Grade 11 Chem teacher would be fired for his first day demo of putting a balloon full of hydrogen up to a flame, with obvious results.

It's good to know that eventually we will loose all knowledge of how to make dangerous things and then the world will be safe from mankind. And common sense.


----------



## George Wallace (14 Apr 2014)

cupper said:
			
		

> I suppose my Grade 11 Chem teacher would be fired for his first day demo of putting a balloon full of hydrogen up to a flame, with obvious results.
> 
> It's good to know that eventually we will loose all knowledge of how to make dangerous things and then the world will be safe from mankind. And common sense.



And the Environmentalists and Greenpeace followers will be happy as all knowledge of how to produce octane filled fuels will be forgotten and no automobiles, trains, ships and aircraft will be able to move without Bennett Buggy horse power.   :


----------



## Goose15 (16 Apr 2014)

Gotta love those feisty heists :nod:


----------



## cupper (16 Apr 2014)

Goose15 said:
			
		

> Gotta love those feisty heists :nod:



All my neighbors are weird and foreign. It's the purple ones I worry about.


----------



## Goose15 (16 Apr 2014)

cupper said:
			
		

> All my neighbors are weird and foreign. It's the purple ones I worry about.



:rofl:


----------



## Journeyman (18 Apr 2014)

Oh, and happy Easter.






    :nod:


----------



## a_majoor (18 Apr 2014)

How _not_ to plant a roadside bomb: http://tbi69.wordpress.com/2011/01/23/how-not-to-plant-a-roadside-bomb/


----------



## Retired AF Guy (18 Apr 2014)

Are You a Redneck Jedi?

You might be a Redneck Jedi if….

. You ever heard the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.” 

. Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

. You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

. At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

. You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

. Wookies are offended by your B.O.

. You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.

. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

. Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the dark side…it’ll be a hoot.”

. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

. You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

. You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

. You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

. Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

. You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

. You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

. If you hear . . . “Luke, I am your father . . . and your uncle.”


----------



## missing1 (18 Apr 2014)

A Newfoundlander living in Toronto decided to visit the Scarborough zoo.  While there, he saw a man with an elephant act.
The man claimed the elephant could look at a person and tell that person's age.  The trainer had the elephant look at a small boy.
The elephant stamped its foot 9 times.  "Is that right?" he asked the boy. "Oh yes", said the boy.

The Newfie was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms.  Finally, the trainer could take it no longer, and offered to bet the Newfie that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age.  The Newfie accepted the wager. The elephant looked very closely at the skeptic, then turned around, raised his tail and broke wind like you wouldn't believe.  Then he turned back around and stomped his foot twice.

The Newfie stumbled back, amazed, and with a sound of disbelief in his voice, cried, "Lard tunderin' Jaysus b'y, he's right!!!!
I'm farty-two!"


----------



## GAP (20 Apr 2014)

British Al Qaeda union set to strike

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.?? Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this July from 72 to only 54.?? The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.), responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members, and immediately balloted for strike action.?? General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, “Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad.?? We don’t ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth.”

Speaking from the shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, “We sympathize with our workers’ concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.?? They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off.?? I don’t like cutting wages, but I’d hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.”

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales, and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as “There are no virgins in their areas anyway”.

Another reason for the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle — now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, that they are not so keen on going to Paradise.


----------



## Rifleman62 (20 Apr 2014)

A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Saratoga, Wyoming.  He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chilli.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, ‘If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?’

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, ‘Nah, you go ahead.’

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.  He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.  The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs up the chilli back into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, ‘Yep, that’s as far as I got too.’


----------



## The Bread Guy (30 Apr 2014)

*The Staff Officer’s Creed *  

With apologies to the USMC:

This is my slide deck. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

My slide deck is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.

My slide deck, without me, is useless. Without my slide deck, I am useless. I must format my bullet points true. I must brief so as to counter my S3 who is trying to sharpshoot me. I must answer his RFIs before he throws me under the bus. I will…

My slide deck and I know that what counts in this war is not the rounds we fire, the noise of our burst, nor the smoke we make. We know that it is the vehicle slant and PERSTAT that counts. We will hit…

My slide deck is human, even as I, because brigade has given it a life of its own. Thus, I will learn it as a brother. I will learn its weaknesses, its strength, its parts, its accessories, its transition settings and its formatting. I will keep my slide deck updated daily, even as I am updated daily by the XO. We will become part of each other. We will…

Before God, I swear this creed. My slide deck and I are the defenders of my country. We are the masters of our enemy. We are the saviors of my life.

So be it, until victory is America’s and there is no enemy, but peace!

Source


----------



## cupper (15 May 2014)

Craig's List: Free to good home.

My girlfriend doesn't like my dog, so I appeal to you.
She is a purebred from a wealthy area and I have had her 4 years. She likes to play games. Not totally trained. Has long hair so she's a little high maintenance, especially the nails, but she loves having them done. Stays up all night yapping but sleeps while I work. Only eats the best, most expensive food. Will NEVER greet you at the door after a long day or give you unconditional love when you're down. Does not bite but she can be mean as hell! 

So........anyone interested in my 30 year old, selfish, wicked, gold-digging girlfriend? Come and get her! Me and my dog want her re-homed!!


----------



## GAP (16 Jun 2014)

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in  
Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees.


The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no 
woodpecker could  peck.


The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly
pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.


The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican
woodpecker to peck a  tree in Canada that was absolutely
'impeccable' (a term  frequently used by woodpeckers).


The Mexican woodpecker expressed  confidence that he
could do it and  accepted the challenge.


The two of them flew to Canada where the  Mexican
woodpecker  successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable'
tree almost without  breaking a sweat.


Both woodpeckers were  now terribly confused.


How is it that the  Canadian woodpecker was able
to peck the Mexican  tree, and the Mexican
woodpecker was able  to peck the Canadian tree,
yet neither was able  to peck the tree in their own country?


After much woodpecker  pondering, they both came to the same conclusion.


Apparently your  pecker gets harder when you're away from home...


----------



## GAP (16 Jun 2014)

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.  A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."  This is not a phrase we men normally use so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping.

He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was who told him about his "barracks door."  He was planning to have a little fun with her.  When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no, I didn't.  All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags."


----------



## CougarKing (18 Jun 2014)

;D 

Delish



> *Woman Attempted to Walk Out of Supermarket with Lobster Tails Down Her Pants*
> June 17, 2014 at 3:34PM by Zoe Bain
> 
> While it may seem obvious that putting uncooked seafood down one's pants is never a good idea, one Florida woman had to learn the hard way. According to the Associated Press, Nichole Ann Reed stuffed seven frozen lobster tails down her pants at a Publix Supermarket in DeLand, Florida. She then left the store, but not before a loss prevention officer spotted her.
> ...


----------



## Journeyman (20 Jun 2014)

And this is why even a university degree won't guarantee you a job.......


----------



## PMedMoe (20 Jun 2014)

Journeyman said:
			
		

> And this is why even a university degree won't guarantee you a job.......



Never confuse education with intelligence.


----------



## observor 69 (20 Jun 2014)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> Never confuse education with intelligence.



or common sense, something I have observed time and time again.  :nod:


----------



## PMedMoe (20 Jun 2014)

Baden Guy said:
			
		

> or common sense, something I have observed time and time again.  :nod:



Common sense?  It's so uncommon it's a super power!   :nod:


----------



## BeyondTheNow (26 Jun 2014)

No excuses


----------



## Teager (28 Jun 2014)

Boat For Sale...lol

http://www.kijiji.ca/v-powerboat-motorboat/ottawa/boat-for-sale-excellent-for-divers/1000510448?enableSearchNavigationFlag=true


----------



## OldSolduer (29 Jun 2014)

Journeyman said:
			
		

> And this is why even a university degree won't guarantee you a job.......



And what would you do with a brain if you had one?

I have a brain.....I think.


----------



## ModlrMike (29 Jun 2014)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> Never confuse education with intelligence.



As I said to one of the young IntO candidates the oher day:

Intelligence is what you have, intelligent is what you are. The two don't necessarily coexist.


----------



## Journeyman (30 Jun 2014)

Jim Seggie said:
			
		

> And what would you do with a brain if you had one?
> 
> I have a brain.....I think.








   :dunno:


----------



## PMedMoe (2 Jul 2014)

Laws they don't teach you in physics:

1. Law of Mechanical Repair- After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6. Law of the Bath  - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

8. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

9. Law of Biomechanics- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

16. Law of Public Speaking --  A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

18. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.


----------



## Journeyman (2 Jul 2014)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> 14. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.


This explains _so_ many posts in both the politics and military equipment threads.   :nod:


----------



## OldSolduer (2 Jul 2014)

Murphy's Law of Weapons - your weapon was manufactured by the lowest bidder.


----------



## MilEME09 (2 Jul 2014)

Jim Seggie said:
			
		

> Murphy's Law of Weapons - your weapon was manufactured by the lowest bidder.



Can a slo be applied to all kit in the CF


----------



## cupper (2 Jul 2014)

PMedMoe said:
			
		

> 14. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
> 
> 16. Law of Public Speaking --  A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!



Combined Law of making Logical Arguments in Public:

It is better to keep one's mouth shut and be thought of as an idiot, than to open one's mouth and prove them correct.


----------



## CougarKing (4 Jul 2014)

;D Slap fighting? 

MSN Video


----------



## Edward Campbell (6 Jul 2014)

The _evolution_ of the _religious right_ in America ...






               Apologies, of course, to committed Christians for associating you with Muslims ...
      
               and _vice versa_.


----------



## captloadie (8 Jul 2014)

I know this comes from the recruiting thread, but I laughed and it made my day:

http://milnet.ca/forums/threads/115611.0/topicseen.html

I wanted to recommend that he drive a hard bargain and stick to his guns, but that would have been just cruel I think.


----------



## George Wallace (8 Jul 2014)

I know.  Seems too many parents of today's prospects have told their children that they can be whatever they want to be.  "No!" was a word that did not exist in their vocabularies.  No wonder we have so many who have never seen combat or horrific events/accidents suffering from PTSD.  They can't handle rejection/failure.   :-[


----------



## observor 69 (9 Jul 2014)

Germany Humiliates Brazil (1-7) German Beer Crushes Brazilian Cocktail

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCF22RIaej8

Speakers on.

I know it's a day late but it's still a


----------



## Retired AF Guy (9 Jul 2014)

Something a friend posted on Facebook:


----------



## 211RadOp (10 Jul 2014)

E.R. Campbell said:
			
		

> The _evolution_ of the _religious right_ in America ...
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Here is an updated version of it   ;D


----------



## George Wallace (10 Jul 2014)

211RadOp said:
			
		

> Here is an updated version of it   ;D



Here is an updated version:


----------



## The Bread Guy (23 Jul 2014)

Couldn't even make this up ....

I see the jihadis may be lowering the bar becoming more inclusive in their recruiting ....


> A blind jihadist pictured fighting alongside ISIS militants in Syria has reportedly urged others to join the Islamist militants, saying having a disability is no excuse.
> 
> Taymullah al-Somali, a Dutch national who is believed to have travelled to the Middle East earlier this year, has been photographed numerous times alongside ISIS militants and is believed to be based in the capital of the self-declared caliphate, Raqqa.
> 
> The Somalia-born militant has been quoted on known Islamist social media accounts urging Muslims to join ISIS, reportedly saying: 'Being blind didn't stop me from coming to #Syria, what's your excuse?' ....







I guess "watch and shoot" wouldn't apply here?


----------



## Fishbone Jones (23 Jul 2014)

milnews.ca said:
			
		

> Couldn't even make this up ....
> 
> I see the jihadis may be lowering the bar becoming more inclusive in their recruiting ....
> 
> ...



They should, at least, give him a real pistol! Good trigger control though. :rofl:


( yes, I know he's pointing to paradise )


----------



## George Wallace (23 Jul 2014)

recceguy said:
			
		

> They should, at least, give him a real pistol! Good trigger control though. :rofl:
> 
> 
> ( yes, I know he's pointing to paradise )



That would prove interesting.


----------



## Journeyman (28 Jul 2014)

I make my own hot sauces.  This appeals to me.   >


----------



## The Bread Guy (5 Aug 2014)

For some reason, this called to me to be shared for potential captions ....




"How's THAT feel, underground newsletter editor!"


----------



## Rifleman62 (10 Aug 2014)

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. 

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' 

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. 

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............


----------



## GAP (18 Aug 2014)

New Ontario License Plate


----------



## Rifleman62 (4 Sep 2014)

The wit of the Scots...


A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.

The Scotsman replies, "Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!"


----------



## GAP (6 Sep 2014)

I stopped by the GM Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new Silverado pickup.  Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct.

The salesman (a man wearing a "Trudeau for change" lapel pin sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.  The seats were of particular interest.  He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Conservative truck.

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Conservative truck.

I explained that if it were a Trudeau truck, the seats would just blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership.  Damn guy had no sense of humour


----------



## Rifleman62 (11 Sep 2014)

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man (sounds typical of some Adjts) less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.

Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off."


----------



## George Wallace (14 Sep 2014)

Seriously??  So I’m at Wal-mart buying a bag of dog food. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.  Why else would I be buying dog food, Right??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog.  “I’m starting the dog food diet again.  I probably shouldn’t because I endue up in the hospital last time.  I lost 50 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.”  I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet.  “All you do is load your pockets with food nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.  The food is nutritionally complete so it works well, and I am going to try it again.”  (I should add that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)  Horrified, this chick asked if I ended up in ICU because the dog food poisoned me.  I told her; “No, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle’s ass and a car hit me.”  I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.


----------



## Rifleman62 (18 Sep 2014)

They always ask at the MIR reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes
it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than the MIR Receptionist who insists you tell them what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old soldier handled it:

He walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes, why are you on Sick Parade for today?' 

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied. 

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into the crowded MIR waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. 

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of service personnel. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' 

The old soldier replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone".

He then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. 

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated. 

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.  

'And what is wrong with your ear?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied. 

The waiting room erupted in laughter.


----------



## Retired AF Guy (18 Sep 2014)

Once again, back from the grave:

 Frank Magazine 

Note: I didn't realize until after I posted the link that you have to subscribe to view the articles, but the fact that its back is interesting.


----------



## observor 69 (19 Sep 2014)

When I was young I decided to go to Medical School. 
At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange 
the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important
human body part which is most useful when erect. 


Those who answered spine are doctors 
today while the rest of us are sending
jokes via email


----------



## Rifleman62 (20 Sep 2014)

New written test given with the breathalyzer


----------



## a_majoor (22 Sep 2014)

Get more productivity, ensure the staff remain fit and perhaps fit a generator so we can become self sufficient in energy production:

http://www.instructables.com/id/Hamster-Wheel-Standing-Desk/



> Hamster Wheel Standing Desk by RobbGodshaw
> 
> You are not reaching your current productivity potential. Numerous esteemed experts agree that standing is better than sitting and that walking is better than standing. Despite this, your workplace only provides inhumane chairs and stagnant standing desks for you to use while you struggle to get through a workday full of distractions and bodily pains.
> 
> ...



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7FioTdZaEk
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITJXPH5FtXU


----------



## George Wallace (22 Sep 2014)

OPPPPPPS!

T72B being transported for repairs.......

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yn5xpKgPML0


----------



## Cloud Cover (23 Sep 2014)

I'm betting at least one of the guys in this picture may be your current commanding officer....given the current criteria for promotions, the absence of facial recognition should not pose a problem...


----------



## cupper (25 Sep 2014)

If she ever makes contact with the guy, you have to question her sanity. (And perhaps his a well)

http://www.kijiji.ca/v-missed-connections/city-of-halifax/superstore-on-joe-howe-bakery/1021150041?enableSearchNavigationFlag=true



> You were the tall brunette with the near-perfect body that farted in the bread section last night. I was the tall guy next to you that looked over and asked "was that you?" you quickly replied, "No... wasnt me" and you almost seemed insulted i would ask. As the stink grew you continued to deny your flatulence, even though it was evident. I tried to get of the stink by waving two loaves of ciabatta bread. You stormed off in an angry manner. You are beautiful, and even though you are a liar and fart like a Clydsedale, Id love to meet up sometime.
> 
> xo


----------



## Rifleman62 (1 Oct 2014)

After this:

http://army.ca/forums/threads/116375/post-1330636/topicseen.html#new

Journeyman :





> Quote from: Rifleman62 on Today at 14:22:55
> 
> The USN sailors might also enjoy a dink after work while at sea.
> 
> Interesting typo......



Thought I would post this:

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So he asked his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action. 'Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?' 

'Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in comic land. Why don't you try her?' replied Batman. 

'I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends. So I don't really want to take advantage of her.' 

'Damn shame.' said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove off. 

Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a City when he saw the Green Lantern. 'Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action. You’re a swinging bachelor, who's the best babe in comic land?' 

'Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the best lay in comic land, why don't you try her?' 

'Well, we're sort of friends,' Superman said, 'but I didn't realize she had gotten around so much.' and he flew off in frustration. 

Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, in the position. 

Superman was tempted. He thought to himself, 'I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm here.' So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone. Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a dazed ___expression. 'What the hell was that??' she exclaimed. 

'I don't know,' said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, 'but my *** is killing me.'


----------



## Rifleman62 (12 Oct 2014)

One day, long, long ago, there was this fighter pilot who, surprisingly, was not full of shit,

But it was a long time ago.............

And just for one day.

~Anonymous


----------



## PMedMoe (20 Oct 2014)

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.  Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. 

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living. 

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.  

Side effects may include: Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.  

Warnings:     

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.        
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.       
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.      
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. Please feel free to share this important information with as many people as you feel it may benefit!    

Now, just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz or Merlot...


----------



## 211RadOp (20 Oct 2014)

One day, the head of the AARP approached the leading wind producers in California.  Although he was a fan of Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio, with an occasional smattering of Pinot Blanc for good measure, he asked them to produce something special for the older generation of wine drinkers.

The producers put their heads together and finally came up with the perfect wine.  

After putting on their new batches, the gentleman from the AARP comes back to try the new vintage.  He takes an unlabeled bottle from each producer and heads back to his home to share the bottle with his friends.  All of them declare it a resounding success.

The next week he heads back to California to find out what this new wine is.  The producers say that they were aware that as people age, they must frequent the toilet more often, especially after a night with a few glasses of wine.  After much research they came up with the perfect wine for the older person, Pinot More.


----------



## Rifleman62 (14 Nov 2014)

Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says: 

'You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense that it carries you around the building and back into the window.' 

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but says nothing. 

The second guy says, 'What? Are you insane? There's no way in hell that could happen!' 

'No, no.. it's true...' said the first man, 'let me prove it to you.' 

He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window. He takes the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man , who is astonished. 

'Oh my God, I saw that with my own eyes! But that must have been a one-time fluke. That was scientifically impossible!' 

'No, I'll prove it again,' says the first man as he jumps. 

Again, just as his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. He takes the elevator back to the bar. 

Once upstairs, he successfully convinces his dubious fellow drinker to try it. 'Well, what the hell,' the second guy says, 'I've seen that it works, so I'll try it!' 

He immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges downward rapidly passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... . Then his body hits the sidewalk... .. 

Splat!!!!! 

Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head and says..... 

'You know, Superman, you're a real ******* when you're drinking.'


----------



## CougarKing (16 Nov 2014)

Then anthem of desperate housewives? 

*"Knock it off" (Taylor Swift parody)*


----------



## Jarnhamar (16 Nov 2014)

Kids eyes vs glowstick in the microwave.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1EsDXSgVjA


----------



## jollyjacktar (17 Nov 2014)

I hope they don't get in too much of a flap up there.  Shared under the fair dealing provisions.



> Drunk birds sober up in Environment Yukon holding tank
> 
> Bohemian waxwings get tipsy on fermented berries
> 
> ...


----------



## CougarKing (17 Nov 2014)

A meme against jaywalkers:


----------



## Rifleman62 (20 Nov 2014)

THE BEST GIFT		
Written by To The Point News   
Friday, 12 September 2014

During the recent cease-fire, the leader of the Palestinian terrorist organization Hamas, Khaled Mashal, sent a gift to the Prime Minister of Israel, Benjamin Netanyahu, in an elaborate box with a note.

After having the box checked for safety reasons, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu opened the box and saw that the content was human feces.

He opened the note, handwritten in Arabic by Mr. Mashal, which said, "For you and the proud people of the Zionist Entity."

Mr. Netanyahu, literate in Arabic, pondered the note and decided how best to reciprocate.

He quickly did so by sending the Hamas leader a very pretty package with a personal note.

Mr. Mashal and the other leaders of Hamas were very surprised to receive the parcel and opened it very carefully suspecting that it might contain a bomb.

But to their surprise they saw that it contained a tiny computer chip.

The chip was rechargeable with solar energy, had a 1.8 terabyte memory and could output a 3D hologram display capable of functioning in any type of cellular phone, tablet or laptop.

It was one of the world's most advanced technologies, and bore a tiny label, "Invented and produced in Israel."

Mr. Netanyahu's note, personally handwritten in Arabic, Hebrew, French, and English, stated very courteously...

"Every leader gives the best his people can produce."


----------



## cupper (20 Nov 2014)

*Crisis at the U.S. - Canadian Border
*
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.  The Republicans winning the Senate is prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and live according to the Constitution.   

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, global warming activists, and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota .  “The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry.  He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"   

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them.  He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just keep coming.   

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into electric cars  and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.   

"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said.  "I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier drinking water.  They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though, and some kale chips."   

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives.  Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and study the Constitution.   

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border.  Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs.  After catching a half- dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.   

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, buying up all the Barbara Streisand c.d.'s, and renting all the Michael Moore movies.  "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said.  "How many art-history majors does one country need?"


----------



## GAP (26 Nov 2014)

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

"Hello."

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. 
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy
from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
one tested positive for HIV.  We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.

"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests
once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in
the middle of town.

If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.


----------



## GAP (28 Nov 2014)

**'Hello?'** 



**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'** 


**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'** 



**After a brief pause,** 


**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'** 


**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'** 



Brief Pause. 


**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'** 
  

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'** 


**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.** 
  


**'I did it, Daddy.'** 


**'And what happened, honey?' ** 

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed With no clothes on and ran around screaming.** 


**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'** 



**'Oh my God!!!  What about your Uncle Paul?'** 



**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.** 


**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.** 



**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**





*****Long Pause***** 





*****Longer Pause***** 





*****Even Longer Pause***** 





**Then Daddy says,** 







**'Swimming pool?  ...........** 







**Is this 486-5731?'* 






**No, I think you have the wrong number.......*


----------



## PMedMoe (5 Dec 2014)

Oldies but goodies:

These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now !

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)


Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh!


----------



## GAP (24 Dec 2014)

Santa Claus: An Engineer's Perspective

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 10) in the
world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu,
Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the
workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million
(according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census)
rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes,
presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he
travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7
visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household
with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the
sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute
the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been
left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on
to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed
around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will
accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about
0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not
counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving
at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound.

For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses
space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional
reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the
sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets
nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is
carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land,
a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even
granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal
amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them - Santa
would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting
the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times
the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000
tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a
spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of
reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second
each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously,
exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms
in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26
thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the
fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa - as a result of accelerating
from a dead stop to 650 m. p. s. in . 001 seconds - would be subjected to
acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems
ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by
4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and
reducing him to a quivering puddle of pink goo.

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

Merry Christmas!


----------



## CougarKing (24 Dec 2014)

Karma gets them sooner or later!  ;D

Reuters



> *Ceiling collapse exposes Chinese panty thief*
> 
> Reuters – 21 hours ago
> 
> ...


----------



## Rifleman62 (20 Jan 2015)

Navy Cook

The Admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command.

While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief Cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The Chief replied, "I’d be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.

Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"

The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."


----------



## expwor (21 Jan 2015)

A call in show
The caller is from Saskatchewan
Sorry to those offended by some four letter words LOL

Tom

http://thumbnails.cbc.ca/maven_legacy/thumbnails/440/56/sk-wx-rage.mp3__214745.mp3


----------



## expwor (9 Feb 2015)

Brian Williams A History Of Mis-Rememories LOL

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9AaioFM6Nu8

Tom


----------



## cupper (13 Feb 2015)

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

-------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!


----------



## OldSolduer (14 Feb 2015)

We'll take North Dakota and annex it to Manitoba.


----------



## cryco (14 Feb 2015)

Manitoba? Why would you do that to North-Dakotans?


----------



## 211RadOp (17 Feb 2015)

The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets 

Adam and Eve said, 
'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'  

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. 
Regardless of how selfish or childish or 
Unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.' 

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. 

And it was a good animal and God was pleased. 

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, 
'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'  

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.' 

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.  

And they were comforted. 

And God was pleased.  

And Dog was content and wagged his tail. 

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become 
Filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.' 

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their 
Limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.' 

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.  

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were 
Not the supreme beings. 

And Adam and Eve learned humility. 

And they were greatly improved. 

And God was pleased..  

And Dog was happy.  

And Cat . . . 



Didn't give a shit one way or the other.


----------



## OldSolduer (17 Feb 2015)

cryco said:
			
		

> Manitoba? Why would you do that to North-Dakotans?



Target and cheap flights from Fargo


----------



## captloadie (24 Feb 2015)

_A post on http://drgrumpyinthehouse.blogspot.ca/_

This is Mrs. Grumpy.

I think these newfangled SMART Boards the school has are great. So much neater and easier then the black boards and clouds from screeching chalk when I was a kid. It's nice for a teacher to be able to work on something at the computer and have it right up in front of the class as she talks. It's also great that there's a free app to let them control the board with their iPhone (provided the Bluetooth works properly).

But obviously, these have their limitations, as Ms. Steele and her social studies class learned last week.

Apparently, while the kids were supposed to be working on papers, an enterprising young fellow named Albert used the app on his iPhone to take control of the class board. It was turned off, but he switched it on.

As we all know now, the default setting is to show whatever happens to be on the teacher's desktop screen. Normally, this wouldn't have been a big deal, except Ms. Steele was actively exchanging steamy emails with her boyfriend about their Valentine's Day plans. 

Her class was controlled enough to not break out giggling when this started, leading other students to join in the fun. Specifically Nathan, who saw she was using her official school email account.

So he used his phone to google up some pictures of couples in compromising BDSM activities and sent them to her, resulting in them showing up on the SMART Board within a few seconds.

When Ms. Steele gasped (you'd think she'd never seen such things before), then realized what was happening on the screen behind her, she was obviously shocked. She jumped up and started to yell, but apparently stopped when she hit her head on the shelf behind her. Then fell back onto the desk. Which is how I ended up involved.

Ms. Steele required 7 stitches at local ER. From her emails, it wouldn't surprise me if she was back there over the weekend for other issues.

Nathan and Albert have each been suspended for a few days.

A district memo was sent out asking teachers to not use their work emails to plan "50 Shades of Buck Naked" escapades. More importantly, it STRONGLY reminded staff not to use the default "1111" password for SMART Board Bluetooth remotes.

I think there's a lesson somewhere in all of that for each of us.


----------



## The Bread Guy (3 Mar 2015)

And this month's nominee for best line in a news story ....


> The trial of a 25-year-old woman accused of committing an indecent act on a Toronto-to-Halifax flight has been delayed because her lawyer is ill.
> 
> Alicia Elizabeth Lander has pleaded not guilty to committing an indecent act, assaulting a police officer, committing an act of mischief and causing a disturbance at Halifax Stanfield International Airport on Jan. 24, 2014.
> 
> ...


 :rofl:


----------



## Rifleman62 (4 Mar 2015)

1. Teaching Math In 1950s 

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production 
is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? 

2. Teaching Math In 1970s 

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production 
is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? 

3. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. 
His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ? 
Yes or No 

4. Teaching Math In 1990s 

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production 
is $80 and his profit is $20.  Your assignment: Underline the number 20. 

5. Teaching Math In 2000s 

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. 

He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, feel free to express your feelings e.g, anger, anxiety, inadequacy, helplessness etc.) 

Should you require debriefing at conclusion of exam there are Councillors available to assist you adjust back into the real world.

6. Teaching Math In 2050 


هاتشيروتبيعكارلوادمننهاب 100 دولار.   تكلفةالإنتاجهو 80 دولاراً.كيفالكثيرمنالمالو


----------



## Jed (4 Mar 2015)

Rifleman62 said:
			
		

> 1. Teaching Math In 1950s
> 
> A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
> is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
> ...



 ;D Priceless


----------



## Fishbone Jones (4 Mar 2015)

http://nextbigfuture.com/2015/03/five-dollar-spock-and-five-dollar-bill.html

Five Dollar Spock and Five Dollar Bill Murray


----------



## Rifleman62 (4 Mar 2015)

I sent the Math joke to one of my daughters, and attached is what she sent back. From someone's Facebook post.

Remarkable!!


----------



## Fishbone Jones (5 Mar 2015)




----------



## CougarKing (9 Mar 2015)

;D Imagine A-10s sporting NYPD or even RCMP colours. 

Source: CalltheCops.net

*Police to get A-10s as part of Surplus Program*
Follow @Call_TheCops
Posted by: RJ 



> The US Air Force will be retire the A10 thunderbolt soon. The plane with the nicknames of “Warthog” and “Tank killer” was designed for close air ground support missions. A mission that could be adopted for police use.
> 
> Police-A10 General George Hammond says the A10s we will be retrofitted for civilian police use. “We have done a few studies and found these planes will improve American police forces much as helicopters have.”
> 
> ...


----------



## GAP (28 Apr 2015)

What does little miss moffit and Sadam Hussain have in common?










They both had Kurds in their whey..................


----------



## Kirkhill (29 Apr 2015)

Max-Flex

http://art-sheep.com/?p=18227


----------



## jollyjacktar (4 May 2015)

At the end of the tax year, Revenue Canada sent an inspector to audit  the books  of a local hospital. 

While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

 "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.  But on he went, in his obnoxious way.  “What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

 "Ah, yes," replied the executive, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."

 "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all executive.  "Well, what do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive.  "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.


----------



## George Wallace (19 Jan 2016)

NEW POLITICAL DOUBLE SPEAK WORD INTRODUCED INTO ONTARIO VOCABULARY:

Stretch goal

Kathleen Wynne says pledge to cut auto insurance 15 per cent was a ‘stretch goal’
January 18, 2016 5:54 pm
By Allison Jones	The Canadian Press



> TORONTO – Premier Kathleen Wynne says her government’s target to cut auto insurance rates by 15 per cent by last year was a “stretch goal.”
> 
> The Liberals promised to reduce car insurance premiums an average of 15 per cent by August 2015 as part of a deal to get NDP support for the 2013 budget when they were still a minority government.
> 
> But August came and went with the government’s target not even halfway met.



What a comedienne.  She should become a cast member of SNL or Second City.      [


----------



## ueo (19 Jan 2016)

I think not. Their comedy is designed to make the audience laugh, hers just makes me want to cry.


----------



## George Wallace (19 Jan 2016)

So........Not a Comedy, but a Tragedy.


----------



## ueo (19 Jan 2016)

Tragic maybe, but definitely begs my opinion of politicians in general.


----------



## NavyShooter (20 Jan 2016)

A politician is someone who lies when the truth would serve.


----------



## jollyjacktar (4 Feb 2016)

Nelson at Trafalgar in 2016………………Only in the Navy!!!

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy:"Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): “England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of  race, gender, sexual
                                         orientation, religious persuasion or disability  - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?" 
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job
               getting “England" past the censors, lest it be considered racist." 
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco." 
Hardy: "Sorry Sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments." 
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us Splice The Main Brace to steel the men before battle." 
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history.    We must advance with all dispatch.
               Report from the crow's nest, please." 
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir." 
Nelson: "What?" 
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet
regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected." 
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy." 
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral." 
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled." 
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise
                to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card." 
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb
               deficiency." 
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy." 
 Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral." 
 Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!" 
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with 'murder' if they actually kill anyone. There are
               a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks." 
 Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the French and the Spanish?" 
 Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not." 
 Nelson: "We're not?" 
 Hardy: "No, Sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries
                Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation." 
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil." 
 Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that Sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report." 
 Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King." 
 Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.  Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules.
                It could save your life" 
 Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?" 
 Hardy: “As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment." 
 Nelson: "What about homosexuality?" 
 Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir." 
Nelson: "In that case then .... KISS ME HARDY."


----------



## Steve_D (4 Feb 2016)

Too funny!!  Thanks for sharing that. Made my day!

 :rofl:


----------



## jollyjacktar (4 Feb 2016)

Didn't make my wife's.  Woweee did her safeties lift, it hit all her nerves and them some.  I am sure her monitor is covered in venom...


----------



## dapaterson (8 Feb 2016)

Here it is the year of the Monkey, and I'm still writing Goat on all my cheques...


----------



## George Wallace (8 Feb 2016)

LOL!


----------



## GAP (13 Apr 2016)

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?
October 2002

_Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:_

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

Note to Stumblers:

Some comments criticizing this piece indicate that it was "hijacked" from a West Wing episode. This is a chicken and egg argument in my opinion. I don't really know which came first, and frankly don't care.


----------



## Colin Parkinson (14 Apr 2016)

EFFECTIVE SUICIDE COUNSELLING!

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?"

She screamed, "NO! Bugger off you filthy old bastard!"

He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."

She didn't jump..........


----------



## Rifleman62 (15 Apr 2016)

Great prank. 

https://www.facebook.com/315768558595715/videos/509865835852652/


----------



## jollyjacktar (15 Apr 2016)

That was very enjoyable to watch.  The guy is hilarious.


----------



## jollyjacktar (18 Apr 2016)

The Last Nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. 

He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,

"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No" the woman replies. "I'm with Revenue Canada."


----------



## cupper (22 Apr 2016)

The RCMP found over 2000 dead crows on Alberta hwys recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The RCMP then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"


----------



## jollyjacktar (9 May 2016)

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to 
spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short 
skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband sipping a glass of wine. 

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs wide enough that her husband 
asks, “Are you wearing crotchless panties?” 

“Y-e-s,” she answers with a seductive smile. 

“Thank God – I thought you were sitting on the cat.”


----------



## Steve_D (9 May 2016)

OMG!! I almost sprayed my monitor with coffee! Thank you for that. A good laugh to start my Monday morning.

 :rofl:


----------



## mariomike (9 May 2016)

The President and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown separately around an experimental government farm. When Mrs. Coolidge came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, “Dozens of times each day.” Mrs. Coolidge said, “Tell that to the President when he comes by.” Upon being told, the President asked, “Same hen every time?” The reply was, “Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time.” President: “Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.”

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. 
Henny Youngman


----------



## Journeyman (9 May 2016)

It was here..... or a Recruiting thread...






I chose here, because I'm obviously sensitive to the feelings of others.  :nod:


----------



## AbdullahD (9 May 2016)

Journeyman said:
			
		

> It was here..... or a Recruiting thread...
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Well im choosing fb..... cause im  not lol


----------



## jollyjacktar (26 May 2016)

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" 

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." 

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" 

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food." 

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" 

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry." 

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."


----------



## George Wallace (26 May 2016)

Unfortunately he can not, as an Australian, run for the US Presidency:

https://www.facebook.com/uniladmag/videos/2281753568514356/


----------



## George Wallace (26 May 2016)

For all you Down Homers', and Garmin users, Garmin has added "Raymond the “New Brunswick man”  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZHEwyZUrFU


----------



## a_majoor (16 Jun 2016)

Understanding

During a lull between the speeches at a recent Parliament Hill
Correspondent's dinner, Sophie Grégoire-Trudeau leans over to chat with Harjit Sajjan,
Minister of Defence.
  
"Ya know, I bought Justin a parrot for his birthday. The bird is so
smart, Justin has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred
words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," says Harjit, "but, you do realize that
he just speaks the words -- he doesn't really understand what they
mean."

"Oh, I know," Sophie replies, "Neither does the parrot."


----------



## Journeyman (17 Jun 2016)

This appeals to my twisted sense of humour.   ;D


----------



## Rifleman62 (17 Jun 2016)

If Mulcair ruffled Trudeau's hair he would have been punched!

http://www.snopes.com/justin-trudeau-kiss-thomas-mulcair/

*Kiss and Made Up*

Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau and opposition leader Thomas Mulcair kissing to denounce the Orlando nightclub mass shooting.

On 15 June 2016, the web site em>World News Daily Report published a fabricated image of Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau and opposition leader Thomas Mulcair kissing to accompany an article stating that the tender moment was intended to show support for the victims of a mass shooting at a gay nightclub in Orlando.

    The two politicians, known for their dislike of each other, gathered for the first time in a joint press conference, yesterday. They completely surprised the media and the world, by kissing languidly for several seconds, to fight homophobic prejudices and denounce the recent violence against the LGBT community.

However, the article (and its accompanying photograph) was just another piece of clickbait fiction from World News Daily Report, a fake news site whose disclaimer notes that:

    _WNDR assumes however all responsibility for the satirical nature of its articles and for the fictional nature of their content. All characters appearing in the articles in this website — even those based on real people —  are entirely fictional and any resemblance between them and any persons, living, dead, or undead is purely a miracle._


----------



## expwor (2 Jul 2016)

BOX UNDER THE BED

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 35th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.30 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there was such a box and with those contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. 

 After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I'm so sorry, Bill for all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again. 

 Hillary was shocked that he let it out so easy, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I've been deeply disappointed and saddened by your past behavior. However since you are addicted to sex, I guess just those 3 times is not that bad considering your problem." Bill thanked her for being so understanding.

 They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center."


----------



## Teager (12 Jul 2016)

"Base to Troops: Don't Chase Virtual Pokemon into Restricted Areas"

http://www.military.com/daily-news/2016/07/11/base-to-troops-dont-chase-virtual-pokemon-into-restricted-areas.html

I bet those Pokemon in the restricted areas are super rare.


----------



## jollyjacktar (7 Sep 2016)

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork." 
The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." 
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" 
Son says, "Toy Story." 
The robot slaps the son. 
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." 
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot - For Sale


----------



## Fishbone Jones (7 Sep 2016)

.


----------



## Fishbone Jones (7 Sep 2016)

.


----------



## jollyjacktar (8 Sep 2016)

My Favourite Animal
Our teacher asked what my favourite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny; but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favourite animal. 
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too.. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what live animal was my favourite. 
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why; so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. 
He laughed and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous military person I admired most. 
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where the fu*k I am now...


----------



## dimsum (8 Sep 2016)

io9 has a bunch of Star Trek 50th Anniversary articles, but the art one is the best.  

http://io9.gizmodo.com/heres-just-a-bunch-of-awesome-star-trek-art-1786344505

The "Things Bones McCoy is Not, Ranked" article is pretty good too.

http://io9.gizmodo.com/things-bones-mccoy-is-not-ranked-1783989760


----------



## The Bread Guy (13 Sep 2016)

Enjoy!


----------



## mariomike (13 Sep 2016)

Remembering the fun times,


----------



## George Wallace (27 Sep 2016)

From the Beaverton:

https://www.thebeaverton.com/2016/09/prince-george-trudeau-prick-needed-get-knocked-peg-two/


----------



## cupper (28 Sep 2016)

George Wallace said:
			
		

> From the Beaverton:
> 
> https://www.thebeaverton.com/2016/09/prince-george-trudeau-prick-needed-get-knocked-peg-two/



:rofl:


----------



## George Wallace (1 Oct 2016)

Perhaps I should have put this in the "Mega Tattoos" thread, but here will do.


----------



## George Wallace (1 Oct 2016)

AH ha!  Found him.






The bane of many a soldier's existance.


----------



## George Wallace (1 Oct 2016)

Say no more:


----------



## George Wallace (5 Oct 2016)




----------



## The Bread Guy (5 Oct 2016)

New boss, kinda-sorta like the old boss ...


----------



## George Wallace (7 Oct 2016)

Maybe not so funny after all.....Hmmmmmm?


----------



## George Wallace (7 Oct 2016)

LOL!....Carbon Tax.....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLaiZPQTxC0


----------



## dimsum (8 Oct 2016)

This Hour has 22 Minutes with MND Harjit Sajjan at Toronto Fan Expo, with a cameo by 450 Sqn:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I2o9QBkLMXw


----------



## Rifleman62 (13 Oct 2016)

Not particularly funny in the circumstances ....

5 Times a Ship's Anchor Got a Little Carried Away

http://www.popularmechanics.com/adventure/g2783/5-anchors-that-got-carried-away/?mag=pop&list=nl_pnl_news&src=nl&date=093016


----------



## s2184 (18 Oct 2016)

Journeyman said:
			
		

> This appeals to my twisted sense of humour.   ;D



Lol


----------



## George Wallace (19 Oct 2016)

Reproduced under the Fair Dealings provisions of the Copyright Act.



> Gritty Kingston Police horse transferred to desk duty while Internal Affairs investigates
> 19 HOURS AGO by ALEXANDER HUNTLEY
> 
> KINGSTON – The Kingston Police horse known for bending rules and not taking any shit has been transferred to administrative duties while the Department’s Internal Affairs investigates her conduct. This comes after a video was released showing the mare kicking a Queen’s student after she was slapped from the behind during Queen’s Homecoming last weekend.
> ...




More on LINK.


----------



## Journeyman (19 Oct 2016)

George Wallace said:
			
		

> Gritty Kingston Police horse transferred to desk duty while Internal Affairs investigates


I thought the original event was funny enough.

Stupid Queen's student (I know, redundant) slaps horse -- horse kick leads to awesome face-plant on Brock St;  only thing that saved it from being a complete Darwin moment was, _amazingly_,  cab driver wasn't too impaired to stop and not run her over.   


Edit:  removed cab company name....


----------



## George Wallace (19 Oct 2016)




----------



## expwor (21 Oct 2016)

Baby Planes

All part of the job ... and thank you for flying Qantas!!





A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Qantas from


Brisbane to Hong Kong 





The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his


mother and





asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have


baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"





The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her


son to ask the flight attendant.





So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight


attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats


have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby


planes?"





The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell


you to ask me that?"





The boy said, "Yes, she did?.





"Well then, please tell your mother that there are no


baby planes because Qantas always pulls out on time ... and


ask her to explain that to you."


----------



## cupper (21 Oct 2016)

:rofl:


----------



## George Wallace (22 Oct 2016)

For you who love Terry Tate, here is his Election commercial:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djdzZ76YIQM


----------



## George Wallace (26 Oct 2016)

We got STRONGER BEER!


----------



## George Wallace (28 Oct 2016)




----------



## expwor (28 Oct 2016)

WALKING ON THE GRASS


The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.


The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.


Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.


Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."


"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.


In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."


The room became very quiet as the men absorbed and pondered this information.


After a few moments a man at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.


"Yes?" asked the instructor.


"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carried a golf bag?"




This level of sensitivity just can't be taught.


----------



## dimsum (31 Oct 2016)

Philomena Cunk's Moments of Wonder series on BBC Two is gold.  Think of it like a less-offensive Ali G Show.

https://www.reddit.com/r/videos/comments/3h9cs3/just_found_this_comedy_series_called_moments_of/

First episode:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvpbW7JRu0Q


----------



## a_majoor (31 Oct 2016)

Why rescue cats are a bad idea:


----------



## jollyjacktar (31 Oct 2016)

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. 

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. 

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. 

The little boy says, ' Dark in here.' 

The man says, 'Yes, it is.' 

Boy: 'I have a baseball..' 

Man: 'That's nice' 

Boy: 'Want to buy it?' 

Man: 'No, thanks.' 

Boy: 'My Dad's outside.' 
Man: 'OK, how much?' 

Boy: '$250' 

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. 

Boy: 'Dark in here.' 

Man: 'Yes, it is.' 

Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.' 

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?' 

Boy: '$750' 

Man: 'Sold.' 

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.' 

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.' 

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?' 

Boy: '$1,000' 

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.. 

The boy says, 'Dark in here.' 
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now.'


----------



## cupper (31 Oct 2016)

:nod:


----------



## dimsum (1 Nov 2016)

Melbourne Cup, "the race that stops the nation" or, more correctly, where people get dressed up and get hilariously smashed.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BMQwlLNAzlr/

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3893582/Is-rowdiest-Melbourne-Cup-day-Nine-arrested-78-kicked-five-taken-hospital-punters-wake-one-massive-hangover.html


----------



## Journeyman (3 Nov 2016)




----------



## OldSolduer (3 Nov 2016)

Sage advice.


----------



## expwor (5 Nov 2016)

Age Old Question Answered


Went out last night to a Halloween Party dressed as a chicken and met a stunning girl dressed as an egg.
The evening went very well and a lifelong question was answered.


 It was the chicken.


----------



## cupper (6 Nov 2016)

[lol:


----------



## expwor (12 Nov 2016)

Better Than The Flu Shot

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married. She was admired for her

Sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor

Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint

Sitting room.

She invited him to have a

Seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young

Minister noticed a cut glass

bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water,

And in the water floated of all

things, a condom!

When she returned

with tea and scones, they

began to chat. The pastor

tried to stifle his curiosity

about the bowl of water and its

strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?

pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it

wonderful? I was walking

through the park a few

months ago and I found

this little package on the

ground.

The directions said

to place it on the organ,

keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.



If you don't send

This

To five GOOD

Friends

Right away

There will be

Five fewer people

Smiling in the

World.


----------



## George Wallace (13 Nov 2016)

Just ran across this:



> ARE YOU SUFFERING FROM TRUMP ACCEPTANCE RESISTANCE DISORDER (TARD)?
> 
> Trump Acceptance Resistance Disorder is a pattern of pathologically dissociative and psychotic behavior, first observed in the late hours of November 8th 2016, and increasing in severity with passing time. Sufferers of Trump Acceptance Resistance Disorder often exhibit pronounced cognitive dissonance, sudden bouts of rage, uncontrollable crying, suicidal ideation, and extreme sadness.
> 
> ...



READ MORE: http://www.disclose.tv/news/are_you_suffering_from_trump_acceptance_resistance_disorder_tard/136500


----------



## George Wallace (20 Nov 2016)

Probably better than the Original:

Marvel's - REDNECK AVENGERS A TULSA NIGHTS


----------



## mariomike (20 Nov 2016)

It's funny cuz it's true.  

If you're a convicted felon FDNY will hire you as a Firefighter.
Just get a "Good Boy" letter.
http://www.nyc.gov/html/fdny/pdf/job_opps/2012-ff-list/cid_guidelines_disabilities_good_conduct.pdf …


----------



## dimsum (21 Nov 2016)

The Nativity scene, hipster-ified.

https://modernnativity.com/products/modern-nativity-set


----------



## George Wallace (22 Nov 2016)




----------



## George Wallace (26 Nov 2016)

And now for something completely different:


----------



## George Wallace (27 Nov 2016)

Reproduced under the Access to Information Act of 1776:



> Covert CIA plot to wait until Fidel Castro dies of old age successful
> The Beaverton
> 22 HOURS AGO by NED PETRIE
> 
> ...


----------



## expwor (27 Nov 2016)

Apartment For Rent

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.  They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he didn't have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment *'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'*



On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price.  So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:



'Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;

#2 - there was plenty of heat; and

#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.



However, I found out that:

#1 - it had been previously occupied,

#2 - there wasn't any heat, and

#3 - it was entirely too large.'



Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:



'Dear Sir:

#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please, do not blame the management.



So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady...


----------



## George Wallace (28 Nov 2016)

Why FONTS matter:


----------



## The Bread Guy (28 Nov 2016)

:nod:


----------



## Fishbone Jones (28 Nov 2016)

milnews.ca said:
			
		

> :nod:



Hey, I know where that came from. [


----------



## cupper (29 Nov 2016)

The alt-right white nationalist supremacists need to raise their standards for membership.

 :facepalm:



> A white supremacist is getting dragged on social media after suggesting there needs to be a “WAACP.”
> Preston Wiginton, a member of the so-called “alt-right,” recently defended his decision to invite white nationalist leader of the “alt-right” movement Richard Spencer to speak at Texas A&M University in December.
> Speaking to the university’s newspaper “The Battalion,” Wiginton pulled the “reverse racism” card, saying, “If we look at the NAACP, black people have the right to have that. Why can’t white people have a WAACP?”
> So, NAACP stands for “National Association for the Advancement of Colored People.”
> But Wiginton seems to think the “N” in NAACP stands for “Negro.” One can only imagine what he thinks the “AACP” stands for. A “White Association for the Advancement of Colored People” would actually  be a pretty good idea, though.


----------



## the 48th regulator (2 Dec 2016)




----------



## expwor (3 Dec 2016)

Donald Trump Dies

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.  I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. 
 In it was Barack Obama and a large pool of water. Barack kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Donald said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair. I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. all he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. 
 "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Donald. The devil opened a third door. Through it, Donald saw Bill Clinton , lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." 
 The devil smiled and said...........
  
  "OK, Monica, you're free to go."


----------



## George Wallace (4 Dec 2016)

Coffee Mugs for Christmas:


----------



## George Wallace (4 Dec 2016)

Christmas Mugs for non-Millennials:


----------



## expwor (4 Dec 2016)

Mommy



The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.






   The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.






   There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.





"Janie, do you have a story to share?"






   'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. 






She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.





She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."





''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"





"Don't F**k with Mommy when she's been drinking."


----------



## George Wallace (4 Dec 2016)

Questions?


----------



## Journeyman (6 Dec 2016)

:nod:


----------



## George Wallace (6 Dec 2016)




----------



## George Wallace (10 Dec 2016)

So true...... 







:rofl:


----------



## Journeyman (10 Dec 2016)

CBH99 said:
			
		

> Question for those of you who know what you're talking about.


Wow, with one sentence so many regular posters here are eliminated.


----------



## George Wallace (11 Dec 2016)




----------



## George Wallace (11 Dec 2016)




----------



## expwor (12 Dec 2016)

Christmas Parrot

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet store looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The store owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, 
 which could sing famous Christmas songs. 





This seemed like the perfect gift. 




"How do I get him to sing?" 
 the young man asked, excitedly. 


"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet" was the store owner's  reply. The store owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began  to sing 




"Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ... 
"




The store owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. 
 Then Chet's voice filled the air with "I'm dreaming of a White Christmas...."




The young man was so impressed that he purchased a cage and all the necessities and paid the store owner before running home as quickly 
 as he could with Chet.

On Christmas Morning, when his wife saw her gift she was 
 overwhelmed. 




"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, 
 "But he can sing. Let me show you." 


So the young man lighted a match and placed it under Chet's left foot, 


as the store owner had shown him, and Chet crooned




"Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..."




The young man then moved the match to Chet's right foot, and the parrot crooned "I'm dreaming of a White Christmas"....




His wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, 


"What if we hold the match between his legs?" The man did not know. 




"Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. 




So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, 


cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly 
 like it was the performance of his life... 














  


   "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire!...."


----------



## George Wallace (12 Dec 2016)




----------



## mariomike (15 Dec 2016)




----------



## jollyjacktar (16 Dec 2016)

A farmer named Paddy was in a terrible traffic accident.  He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. 
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy. 
'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor. 
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da...' 
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?' 
Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road...' 
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.' 
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. 
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 
'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder.   By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'.  I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. 
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.   Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?' 
'Now wot da foock would you say?


----------



## Loachman (17 Dec 2016)

17 Horror Snowmen That Are Too Damn Creepy https://www.buzzfeed.com/beckybarnicoat/terrifying-snowmen-thatll-put-you-off-snow-for-life?utm_term=.ldmamrWGl&utm_source=Sailthru&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=161216_G-File#.ihQZ0gnLe


----------



## George Wallace (18 Dec 2016)

-25 in Ottawa (not including windchill)

-25 at North Poll.....


----------



## a_majoor (18 Dec 2016)

Hiring SJW's:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8eYwddllFUY

and:


----------



## Journeyman (19 Dec 2016)

Is this where we're heading?   op:


----------



## The Bread Guy (19 Dec 2016)

Journeyman said:
			
		

> Is this where we're heading?   op:


We can't be having employees deciding to take their religion into account when serving the public, can we?


----------



## a_majoor (22 Dec 2016)

Penguins vs the Santa Claus Army.

Need I say more?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SFPncouwnUI


----------



## George Wallace (22 Dec 2016)




----------



## mariomike (22 Dec 2016)

Not funny, but it would make an interesting Christmas card,


----------



## George Wallace (22 Dec 2016)




----------



## a_majoor (25 Dec 2016)

Who could resist using a flock of sheep and trained collies to play "Pong"?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGOGOxtN2lM


----------



## Retired AF Guy (26 Dec 2016)

From an artists I've never heard of before;A.F. Branco over at the  Legal Insurrection webpage.


----------



## the 48th regulator (30 Dec 2016)




----------



## the 48th regulator (30 Dec 2016)




----------



## cavalryman (30 Dec 2016)

John Tescione said:
			
		

>


Apparently... [


----------



## jollyjacktar (18 Jan 2017)

Kathleen Wynn, Donald Trump, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. 
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. 

Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.. 

Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes. When he's finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so Trump writes him a cheque. 

Finally Kathleen Wynn gets her turn and calls Ontario for 4 hours. When she's finished, the devil informed her that there would be no charge and feel free to call Ontario anytime. 

Putin and Trump go ballistic and ask the devil why Kathleen Wynn got to call Ontario free. The devil replied, "Since Kathleen Wynn became Premier of Ontario, the province has gone to hell, so it's a local call."


----------



## Rifleman62 (18 Jan 2017)

Good one!!!

Soon to be Trudeau calling Canada locally from Hell.


----------



## jollyjacktar (6 Feb 2017)

So, I'm in a bar and two very large women with accents are sitting across from me.  
I say, "Cool accents, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them yells, "It's Wales, you idiot."
So I said,  "OK, are you two Whales from Scotland?"
I don't remember much after that.


----------



## The Bread Guy (24 Feb 2017)

_*"Russia names Edward Snowden new Ambassador to the United States"*_


----------



## George Wallace (24 Feb 2017)

The Reality of living in Canada:


----------



## George Wallace (25 Feb 2017)

Some lucky person won:


----------



## jollyjacktar (27 Feb 2017)

This a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is speechless after answering only one question.

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about three

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.

In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after figuring for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: Where is your airplane?


----------



## Journeyman (27 Feb 2017)

jollyjacktar said:
			
		

> This a conversation between a man and his wife....


1.  That is going to be forwarded.
2.  I am going to be in sh*t because of it.
3.  Thank you.   ;D


----------



## Biohazardxj (27 Feb 2017)

jollyjacktar said:
			
		

> This a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is speechless after answering only one question.
> 
> Woman: Do you drink beer?
> 
> ...



Financially speaking you are better off to drink the beer.  Because after you saved it all up all that money the tax man would get half and the ex-wife would get the rest.


----------



## George Wallace (3 Mar 2017)

Suicide Bombers Go On Strike
BBC News 

Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.


----------



## Rifleman62 (9 Mar 2017)

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

 The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."


The Canadian doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. A year and a half ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made him Prime Minister. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"


----------



## observor 69 (9 Mar 2017)

Rifleman62 said:
			
		

> The Canadian doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. A year and a half ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"



FTFU


----------



## George Wallace (9 Mar 2017)

Baden Guy said:
			
		

> FTFU



President?  That proves he has no brains, but may have balls to think he is.


----------



## jollyjacktar (14 Mar 2017)

Not a Senior yet, but I can relate.

Senior Trying To Create A Password

               
WINDOWS:        Please enter your new password.

USER:                cabbage

WINDOWS:        Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER:                boiled cabbage

WINDOWS:         Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER:                1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS:        Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER:                 50fuckingboiledcabbages

WINDOWS:        Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER:                 50FUCKINGboiledcabbages

WINDOWS:         Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER:                 50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedU pYourAssIfYouDon' tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS:         Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USERissedOff: 50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedU pYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessN ow

WINDOWS:         Sorry, that password is already taken.


----------



## expwor (28 Apr 2017)

SMILE

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. 
The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened.
First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. 
Hence the enormous smile, inspector", says the Coroner.
Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. 
Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one:
Justin Trudeau of Canada, 44, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"He thought he was having his photo taken."


----------



## GAP (12 May 2017)

Robert Dean Steel
April 28, 2015 ·

A couple of RCMP officers stopped at Sandy Bay First Nation and talked to an old Indian standing on the road.
He told the old Indian, "I need to inspect this land for illegally grown drugs."
The elder reluctantly said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed with his lips to the location.
The RCMP officer verbally exploded & said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!"
Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge & proudly displayed it to the old Indian.
"See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want, whenever I want................on any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?"
The elder nodded kindly, apologized & went about his business. Moments later he heard loud - fearful screams; he looked up & saw the RCMP officer running for his life, being chased by a Bull Bison. With every step the Bull Bison was gaining ground on the officer & it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The old Indian threw down his tools & ran as fast as he could to the fence & yelled at the top of his lungs......"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE


----------



## Rifleman62 (2 Jun 2017)

Dearest Dad,
I am coming home to get married soon, so get your checkbook out.  I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me.

As you know, I am in Australia ... and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp.  He proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of a relationship through Viber.

My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.

Lots of love and thanks.

Your favorite daughter, 
Lilly


THE RESPONSE

My Dear Lilly,

Like Wow! Really? Cool!

Whatever ... I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal. 

And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay.  

Love, 
Your Dad


----------



## The Bread Guy (20 Jun 2017)

To _some_ folks, anyway ...


----------



## Journeyman (23 Jun 2017)

:nod:


----------



## GAP (23 Jun 2017)

.


----------



## George Wallace (24 Jun 2017)

Reproduced under the Fair Dealings provisions of the Copyright Act.



> ‘Sorry aboot that, eh’ — Canadian sniper apologizes after record-breaking kill shot
> By Cat Astronaut On Jun 24, 2017
> 
> OTTAWA — A Canadian sniper apologized today after he was confirmed to have scored the longest lethal shot on record, according to sources.
> ...



More on LINK.


----------



## The Bread Guy (28 Jun 2017)

Funny - if it wasn't so true in some cases ... (source)


----------



## George Wallace (28 Jun 2017)

milnews.ca said:
			
		

> Funny - if it wasn't so true in some cases ... (source)



Where were the Spelling Nazis?


----------



## The Bread Guy (28 Jun 2017)

George Wallace said:
			
		

> Where were the Spelling Nazis?


If you mean "organisation," Brit reporter (BBC def reporter) = Brit spelling.


----------



## George Wallace (1 Jul 2017)

Sad news this Canada Day

Reproduced under the Fair Dealings provisions of the Copyright Act.



> Newfoundland sunk after collision with iceberg
> by Alex Huntley
> 
> HALIFAX – Four hours after a striking a massive iceberg, the Province of Newfoundland has sunk off the coast of Labrador leaving an unknown number of survivors.
> ...



More on LINK.


----------



## Journeyman (1 Jul 2017)

Not a joke/cartoon, but a WTF?......  "Strandbeests" -- wind-powered 'walking machines'
More at YouTube link.


----------



## jollyjacktar (1 Jul 2017)

I have not looked at that until now, that's cool.


----------



## Loachman (2 Jul 2017)

Journeyman said:
			
		

> Not a joke/cartoon, but a WTF?......  "Strandbeests" -- wind-powered 'walking machines'



I'm sorry, but your sarcasm is just _too_ subtle for me this time, and I can't figure out who/what you're mocking.


----------



## Fishbone Jones (2 Jul 2017)

Must be pretty light. I don't see any tracks in the sand or ripples when it crosses the water.


----------



## Rifleman62 (10 Jul 2017)

The Chauffeur

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.   
           
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi.  You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.  I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."     
           
The social worker behind the counter said, "your timing is excellent.  We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.  You will have to drive her around in his 2017 Mercedes-Benz SEL, and he will supply your clothes."  
           
 "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas travels.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."  
           
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "you're bullshittin' me!"  
         
The social worker said, "yeah, well you started it."


----------



## Rifleman62 (15 Jul 2017)

The wedding .....

A father texts his son:
"My Dear Son,

Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life.
My best love and good wishes.
Your Father."

His Son texts back:

"Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!"

His Father replies:
"I know."


----------



## Rifleman62 (18 Jul 2017)

Lacking the basic understanding of how railroads work


----------



## The Bread Guy (27 Jul 2017)

One _hopes_ it's not going to be like this ...


----------



## Rifleman62 (3 Aug 2017)

THE FIDELITY TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me, It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said, "if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my fiancé's entire family was standing outside, all clapping and cheering!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me. He said, 'Frankie, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son.'

And the moral of this story is:

          Always keep your condoms in your car.


----------



## dimsum (5 Aug 2017)

$10 says the armadillo went back to his Fortress of Solitude.  



> Texas man shoots armadillo, bullet ricochets back into his face
> 
> Animal's status unknown because authorities were unable to find it



http://www.cbc.ca/news/world/texas-man-shoots-armadillo-bullet-ricochets-back-into-his-face-1.3176390


----------



## George Wallace (5 Aug 2017)

Beaker appointed White House Communications Director


----------



## The Bread Guy (15 Aug 2017)

Could work for CSE folks too, no? (source)


----------



## Rifleman62 (17 Aug 2017)

Bob finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.
One evening, after their honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage, just for fun.
His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally spoke ...
"Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop.
You probably should just consider selling all your welders stuff along wit your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley."
Bob got a horrified look on his face.
She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He replied, "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
Bob replied: "I wasn't."


----------



## AbdullahD (18 Aug 2017)

Posting in the comedy thread for obvious reasons 😂😂 *i hope this works been a while*


----------



## The Bread Guy (23 Aug 2017)

From the "ironic thank you gestures" file ...


> Young pigs that were saved from a fire in southwest England earlier this year have been served to their rescuers as sausages by the farmer who wanted to thank the firefighters for their efforts.
> 
> The 18 piglets and two sows were rescued after an electrical fault set hay on fire at a farm in Milton Lilbourne, 70 miles (110 km) west of London, in February.
> 
> ...


----------



## expwor (28 Aug 2017)

"A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."


After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to 
 describe her. 
 He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're 
 A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."> She asks ... "What does that mean?"
 He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, 
 Gorgeous, Hot.
 She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about 
 I, J, K?"
 He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
 The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly 
 optimistic about saving his testicles.


----------



## expwor (30 Aug 2017)

FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS AND PLAYS ON WORDS)


Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a typo.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop
any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club but I'd
never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because
she couldn't control her pupils?

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?   A thesaurus.

> > I dropped out of communism class because of terrible Marx.

> > I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

> > Velcro - what a rip off!

> > Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last


----------



## Steve_D (31 Aug 2017)

I tried searching for a new lighter on eBay, but gave up as they only had 3500 matches.


----------



## George Wallace (9 Sep 2017)




----------



## Rifleman62 (13 Sep 2017)

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English."

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c." Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.  The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k."  This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f."  This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. 

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. 

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v."

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.  Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.


----------



## The Bread Guy (21 Sep 2017)

With all due respect to any learned counsel on the boards here  ;D


----------



## expwor (23 Sep 2017)

CATHOLIC GOLF

Catholic or not you have to laugh at this one.*
> 
> A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off And 
> enjoying a round of golf.
> 
> The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
> He missed the ball entirely and said "crap, I missed."
> 
> The good Sister told him to watch his language.
> 
> On his next swing, he missed again. "crap, I missed."
> 
> "Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing,"
> The nun said tartly..
> 
> The priest promised to do better and the round continued.
> 
> On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
> 
> Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to 
> Strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
> 
> On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
> "crap, I missed."
> 
> A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes Out 
> of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
> 

> And from the sky comes a booming voice ......
> 
> "crap, I missed."


----------



## Rifleman62 (27 Sep 2017)

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" 
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." 
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. 
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" 
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" 
The priest said, "Here comes the greenkeeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" 
The greenkeeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!" 
The group fell silent for a moment. 
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." 
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." 
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" 
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" 
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" 
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. 
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." 
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." 
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers #7

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. 
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #8

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." 
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. 
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." 
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. 
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." 
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. 
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want Why won't you kiss me?" 
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
  

Two engineers #9

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. 
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Steven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as members of parliament.


----------



## jollyjacktar (5 Oct 2017)

TOOL DEFINITIONS:
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ''What the...''
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing grease out of.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters gained from using a 2X4 to try to lift an automobile off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside edge of the line instead of the outside.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.


----------



## BeyondTheNow (5 Oct 2017)

American, but good for a chuckle! ;D

https://angrystaffofficer.com/2017/08/15/the-different-types-of-army-staff-officers-by-branch/amp/



> As you progress in the Army as an officer – and sometimes as an NCO – you’re bound to end up on staff at some point or another. Like death or taxes, it is inevitable – and sometimes as equally dreaded. One of the perks of staff – besides the feeling of constant dread and the ability to always walk around with a cup of lukewarm coffee with the consistency of sludge – is getting to work with people from other branches.
> 
> When your career path edges you into higher echelons of the staff, you end up rubbing elbows with people from a multitude of branches – some that you never knew even existed. And nowhere are the differences in personalities from each branch more apparent than on staff. What follows is a breakdown of the type of staff officers that you’ll be wont to come across in your career.
> 
> ...


----------



## jollyjacktar (16 Oct 2017)

A WOMAN WAS PLAYING GOLF WHEN SHE TOOK A BIG SWING AND FELL.

THE PARTY WAITING BEHIND HER WAS A GROUP FROM OTTAWA, THAT INCLUDED
JUSTIN TRUDEAU.

JUSTIN QUICKLY STEPPED FORWARD AND HELPED HER TO HER FEET.

SHE THANKED HIM AND STARTED TO LEAVE, WHEN HE SAID, "I'M JUSTIN TRUDEAU AND I HOPE YOU'LL VOTE LIBERAL IN THE NEXT ELECTION.”

SHE LAUGHED AND QUICKLY SAID, "I FELL ON MY ASS, NOT MY HEAD!!"


----------



## Rifleman62 (27 Nov 2017)

A group of 12 women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember. The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband "I love you, sweetheart." Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message. Below are 12 actual replies from their husbands. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way? 1. Who the hell is this? 2. Hey, mother of my children, are you sick or what? 3. Yeah, and I love you too. ....What's wrong? 4. What now? Did you wreck the car again? 5. I don't understand what you mean? 6 What the heck did you do now?  7. Are you sure this is for me?  8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need? 9. Am I dreaming? 10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die 11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day 12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?


----------



## Oldgateboatdriver (1 Dec 2017)

Last Christmas, my wife gave me a "Daily Sudoku" desk calendar. It also includes a "thought for the day" section. Today's thought is ascribed to Bill Patterson, and is so appropriate I felt I need to share it here (I almost went for sharing it in the Politics in 2017 forum  ;D):

*"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us."*


----------



## dapaterson (1 Dec 2017)

Believe that's from Bill Watterson, of "Calvin and Hobbes" fame.

Almost as good as my favourite quote from Calvin's Dad

When I was a kid, I thought grown-ups never worried about anything.  I trusted my parents to take care of everything, and it never occurred to me that they might not know how.  I figured that once you grew up, you automatically knew what to do I any given scenario.  I don't think I'd have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if I'd know the whole things was going to be ad-libbed.


----------



## Oldgateboatdriver (1 Dec 2017)

Quite right DP. I failed to notice my error. It is Bill Watterson. 

And as I just type my apology here, I noticed - just in  time - that it is my #$&^%* spell check which automatically changed the "W" to "P" without asking me.


----------



## larry Strong (1 Dec 2017)

To put it in context......my favorite characters......

Cheers
Larry


----------



## Rifleman62 (15 Feb 2018)

A SUCCESSFUL Montana rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra ..." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"




(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)


----------



## Rifleman62 (20 Apr 2018)

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.


----------



## jollyjacktar (22 Apr 2018)

For those of us who enjoy Duffleblog or The Onion types of humour.   ;D

http://www.southendnewsnetwork.net/news/donald-trump-accidentally-orders-air-force-to-bomb-siri/


SHOCKING FOOTAGE SHOWS THOUSANDS OF WHITE PEOPLE CHASING GROUP OF BLACK MEN AROUND LONDON


https://buff.ly/2JgsXTz


----------



## Rifleman62 (6 May 2018)

AUSTRALIAN LETTER - 

This is an actual letter sent to the DFAT (Department of Foreign 

Affairs and Trade) Immigration Minister.  The Government tried 

desperately to censure the author, but got nowhere because every 

legal person who read it couldn’t stop laughing !


Dear Mr Minister, 

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. 

How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows 

that I bought a television set and golf clubs and condoms from them back in 1997, 

and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born 

and on what date ? 

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand ? 

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all 

the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years. 

It is also on my driver's licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those 

stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off planes 

over the past 30 years. 

It's also on all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966. 

Also... would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is 

Audrey, my father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely fucking astounded if that ever 

changed between now and when I drop dead !!! 

SHIT! What do you people do with all this information we keep having to provide? 

I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I'm really pissed off this morning. 

Between you and me, I've had enough of all this bullshit! 

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fucking address! 

What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless 

Neanderthal arseholes working there! 

And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? 

I can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see 

my new granddaughter.  (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl).  And would someone 

please tell me, why would you give a shit whether or not I plan on visiting a farm in the 

next 15 days? In the unlikely event, I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep 

or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone! 

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other side of fucking Sydney, and get another 

fucking copy of my birth certificate - and to part with another $80 for the privilege of 

accessing MY OWN INFORMATION! 

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the 

issuance of a new passport on the same day? 

Nooooo…that'd be too fucking easy and makes far too much sense. 

You would much prefer to have us running all over the bloody place like chickens with our 

fucking heads cut off, and then having to find some 'high-society' wanker to confirm 

that it's really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo... the one where we're 

not allowed to smile?...you fucking morons. 

Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen. 

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting 

someone in 'high-society' to confirm that it's me?  Well, my family 

has been in this country since before 1820! In 1856, one of my 

forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor.  (You do remember the 

Eureka Stockade!) 

I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army for something 

over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high 

security clearances. I'm also a personal friend of the president of 

the RSL...Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card 

each year. 

However, your rules require that I have to get someone "important" to 

verify who I am; you know...someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN 

AND RAISED IN FUCKING PAKISTAN!...a country where they either 

assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers - and are suspended from 

the Commonwealth and United Nations for not having the "right sort of government". 

You are all pen-pushing paper-shuffling fucking idiots!


----------



## Roger123 (6 May 2018)

Rifleman62 said:
			
		

> AUSTRALIAN LETTER - ...



That letter was just awesome.


----------



## jollyjacktar (9 May 2018)

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. 
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however 
They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. 

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. 

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. 

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. 

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. 

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. 

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 
'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!' 

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said..... 

'From all of us at the Fire Station. 
We'll never forget you..''


----------



## daftandbarmy (9 May 2018)

During a lull between the speeches at the recent presidential ceremony, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with the Secretary of  State, Rex Tillerson. 

"You know, I bought Donald a parrot for Christmas. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!" 

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize that he just speaks the words, ...he doesn't really understand what they mean." 

"Oh, I know," replied Melania, .........." neither does the parrot."


----------



## jollyjacktar (9 May 2018)

A Glasgow man phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.

"£85 pounds for an extraction, sir," the dentist replied.

"£85 quid!  Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock £15 pounds off."

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without
any anaesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful.  But
the price could drop by £20 pounds."

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the
extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"

"It'll be good for the students," mulled the dentist.  "I'll charge
you £5 pounds but it will be traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie!  It's a deal," said the Scotsman.

"Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"


----------



## Rifleman62 (15 May 2018)

Nursing.


----------



## jollyjacktar (20 May 2018)

A satirical "fake news" website written in "The Onion" style by a couple of Canadians.  Very entertaining.

https://worldnewsdailyreport.com/


----------



## Rifleman62 (25 May 2018)

Drain the Swamp - Political Diet

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me.  We’re the same age; We were the same size as kids.  I just don’t get it."

 "Well, " said the big Croc, "What have you been eating?" "Politicians, same as you, " replied the small Croc.

 "Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

 "Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol." "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"

 "Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.  Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ’em!"

 "Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem.  You’re not getting any real nourishment.  See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there’s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.”


----------



## jollyjacktar (4 Jun 2018)

After a consultation, the doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. 

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new suit." 

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." 

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. 

Joe tried on the suit and it fit perfectly. 

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." 

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." 

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" 

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. 

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." 

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36." 

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." 

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."


----------



## Blackadder1916 (4 Jun 2018)

Something's missing.  Can you spot what it is.

https://www.govt.nz/lll


----------



## Oldgateboatdriver (5 Jun 2018)

For those who can't spot it: Hint! Note where the page originates from.  :nod:


----------



## daftandbarmy (7 Jun 2018)

A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away. 

The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts his rifle to a specific angle, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards short.

The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance, lifts his rifle slightly higher, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards long.

The statistician yells "We got him!"


----------



## daftandbarmy (7 Jun 2018)

Blackadder1916 said:
			
		

> Something's missing.  Can you spot what it is.
> 
> https://www.govt.nz/lll



Ironically, New Zealand!


----------



## CBH99 (7 Jun 2018)

Pretty sure that was intentional...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HynsTvRVLiI


----------



## George Wallace (27 Jun 2018)

Anyone still doing PDRs and PERs?

QUOTES FROM BRITISH MILITARY ANNUAL PERSONNEL REPORTS
 1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
 2. I would not breed from this Officer.
 3. This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.
 4. This officer can be likened to a small puppy - he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up.
 5. This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a definitely won't-be.
 6. When she opens her mouth, it seems only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
 7. Couldn't organise 50% leave in a 2 man submarine
 8. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
 9. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
 10. Technically sound, but socially impossible.
 11. The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy and indifference.
 12. When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
 13. This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
 14. This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
 15. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
 16. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
 17. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
 18. This Officer should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
 19. In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet.
 20. The only ship I would recommend for this man is citizenship.
 21. Couldn't organise a woodpecker's picnic in Sherwood Forest.
 22. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
 23. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
 24. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
 25. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
 26. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
 27. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
 28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
 29. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.
 30. A room temperature IQ.
 31. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
 32. A gross ignoramus, 143 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
 33. He has a photographic memory but has the lens cover glued on.
 34. He has been working with glue too long.
 35. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
 36. This man hasn't got enough grey matter to sole the flip-flop of a one legged budgie.
 37. If two people are talking, and one looks bored, he's the other one.
 38. One-celled organisms would out score him in an IQ test.
 39. He donated his body to science before he was done using it.
 40. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
 41. He's so dense, light bends around him.
 42. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
 43. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
 44. Takes him 1.1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
 45. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is long gone.


----------



## dapaterson (2 Jul 2018)

David Simon, responding to a CBC request for an interview via Twitter:

https://twitter.com/cbcasithappens/status/1013879224057376770

@AoDespair Hi Mr. Simon, I'm a producer with @cbcasithappens and we'd love to chat with you about the art of the insult if you've got time for a quick interview this afternoon. You can reach me at ... Thanks!


No way, you stumblemook hype-artist. I'd rather hammer my jaw shut with drywall anchor screws than ruin a rightful insult by parsing it for an audience like some analytical talking-head fuckbonnet.

I kid. I'm kidding, Alison. Thanks for the invite, but no. I have writing due.


----------



## expwor (6 Jul 2018)

Circumcised  ;D


----------



## Rifleman62 (30 Aug 2018)

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chilitaster named Frank, who was visiting from  Gering, Nebraska.  
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

*CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI*

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.   Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor.   Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff?   You could remove dried paint from your driveway.   Took me two beers to put the flames out.   I hope that's the worst one.   These New Mexicans are crazy.

*CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI*

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork.   Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.   I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.   I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.   They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

*CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI*

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili.   Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA.   I've located a uranium spill.   My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.   Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite.   Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.   I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

*CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC*

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.   Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.   Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.   Is it possible to burn out taste buds?   Sally, the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.   This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT...  Just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating!    Is chili an aphrodisiac?

*CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER*

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili.    Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.   Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.   Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.   I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics.   The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.   Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.   I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.   It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.    Screw them.

*CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY*

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.   Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet.   Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.    Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.    I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair.   No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.   Can't feel my lips anymore.   I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

*CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI*

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3.   He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing.   I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water.   My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.   My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.   At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.   I've decided to stop breathing.   It's too painful.    Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.   If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

*CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI*

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.   Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.   Neither mild nor hot.    Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.   Not sure if he's going to make it.   Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 -- No report.


----------



## Rifleman62 (14 Sep 2018)

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive.  Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while.  She won't know anything.  By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."


----------



## expwor (19 Oct 2018)

Legalization Of Marijuana In Canada To Blame


----------



## Xylric (20 Oct 2018)

A story from a friend of mine, dated about 14 years ago.

~~
http://lifeisaroad.com/stories/2004/10/29/neighborhoodHazardorWhyTheCopsWontPatrolBriceStreet.html

I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous!

Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second, and more sheer data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for both groups too.

Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make bad or late decisions while riding. In flight training, my instructors called this being *behind the power curve*. It is a mark of experience that when this begins to happen, the rider recognizes the situation, and more importantly, does something about it. A short break, a meal, or even a gas stop can set things right again as it gives the brain a chance to catch up.

Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a motorcycle at least if you want to remain among the living. In short, the brain needs to keep up with the machine.

I had been banging around the roads of east Texas and as I headed back into Dallas, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeways. Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a cage that decided it needed my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even close. This one I missed seeing until it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even aware was there!

Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness all within seconds. I was behind the power curve. Time to get off the freeway.

I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed through a few big residential neighborhoods as a new route home. As I turned onto the nearly empty streets I opened the visor on my full-face helmet to help get some air. I figured some slow riding through the quiet surface streets would give me time to relax, think, and regain that _edge_ so frequently required when riding.

Little did I suspect...

As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it�it was that close.

I hate to run over animals and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.

Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing the oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, *Banzai!* or maybe, *Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!* as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest.

Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing.

I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail. With all my strength I flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.

That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.

But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel.

This was an evil attack squirrel of death!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and with the force of the throw swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact he landed square on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!

The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him.

I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.

The engine roared as the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in - well - I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove roaring at maybe 70mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little affect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little affect on the squirrel however.

The rpms on The Dragon maxed out (I was not concerned about shifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop.

Now picture the large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove, roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out his mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally I got the upper hand -I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked - sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak.

Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.

Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams. They weren't mine...

I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street.

I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. One of them was on his back in the front yard of the house they had been parked in front of and was rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car. The other was standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the police cruiser.

So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to _let the professionals handle it_ anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I swear I could see the squirrel, standing in the back window of the patrol car among shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery, and shaking his little fist at me. I think he was shooting me the finger.

That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car!

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right turn, and sedately left the neighborhood.

As for my easy and slow drive home? Screw it. Faced with a choice of 80mph cars and inattentive drivers, or the evil, demonic, attack squirrel of death...I'll take my chances with the freeway. Every time.

And I'll buy myself a new pair of gloves.


----------



## PPCLI Guy (20 Oct 2018)

Xylric said:
			
		

> A story from a friend of mine, dated about 14 years ago.



As a rider, I can imagine every part of that!


----------



## Xylric (20 Oct 2018)

PPCLI Guy said:
			
		

> As a rider, I can imagine every part of that!



I've been trying to see if it is possible to recreate as a short film.


----------



## expwor (21 Oct 2018)

Where Almond Milk Comes From


----------



## expwor (25 Oct 2018)

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart 

50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
· Californians shiver uncontrollably.
· Canadians plant gardens.

35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
· Italian Cars won't start
· Canadians drive with the windows down

32° Fahrenheit (0° C)
· American water freezes
· Canadian water gets thicker.﻿

0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
· New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
· Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
· Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
· Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-109.9° Fahrenheit (-78.5° C)
· Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
· Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
· Ethyl alcohol freezes.
· Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg

-459.67° Fahrenheit (-273.15° C)
· Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
· Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
· Hell freezes over.
· The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup


----------



## vonGarvin (26 Oct 2018)

So there's this guy, and his friend meets him on the street.  "Dan!" he says.  "Your head!  What happened?"  "It's a giant pumpkin, I know, but you see, I found this magic lamp and I messed up my wishes."
"Oh?  How did you do that?"
"Well, first I asked for a hundred million dollars. Bam!  I'm rich!"
"Wow!  Then what?"
"Then I asked for a beautiful wife.  Man, she's so hot!"
"I can't wait to meet her!  But, what happened next?"
"Oh, this is where I really messed up.  I wished I had a giant pumpkin for a head!"


----------



## Rifleman62 (31 Oct 2018)

Test Drive New 2019 Ford F-150

I stopped by the Ford Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new 2019 F-150 aluminum pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test-drive.

I wanted to sense that new truck "feel" before they become old.

The salesperson (a nice-looking lady wearing an “I love Trudeau” lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. 

The seats were of particular interest.

She explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

Feeling like messing with her, I mentioned that this must be a CONSERVATIVE truck.

Looking a bit angry, she asked why I thought it was a CONSERVATIVE truck.

"I explained that if it were a Liberal truck, the seats would just blow smoke up your ass year-round!"

I had to walk back to the dealership. But it was worth it.


----------



## Journeyman (4 Nov 2018)

[ If you're from Saskatchewan, without Daylight Savings Time, disregard  ]


----------



## Retired AF Guy (4 Nov 2018)

Another blonde joke.


----------



## Rifleman62 (6 Nov 2018)

Heaven or Hell?

While walking down the street one day a entitled Liberal was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." 

"No problem, just let me in," says the Liberal. 

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." 

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Liberal. 

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." 

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. 

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. 

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. 

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne. 

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. 

They are all having such a good time that before the Liberal realizes it, it is time to go. 

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. 

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...” 

So, 24 hours passed with the Liberal joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." 

The Liberal reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." 

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell... 

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above 

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders. 

"I don't understand," stammers the Liberal. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" 

The devil smiles at him and says, 

"Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted.."   

Vote wisely in 2019.


----------



## Rifleman62 (5 Dec 2018)

Ary Christmas Tree


----------



## Rifleman62 (13 Mar 2019)

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Michigan and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.  

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why Hooters?"  

"They have those broads with the big racks, the tight shorts and the legs."  

"You're on."

At age 42, they meet and play golf again.

"Where you wanna go for lunch?"  

"Hooters."  

"Again?  Why?"

"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."  

"OK." 

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"  

"Hooters.

"Why?"

"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."

"OK."

At age 62 they meet again.

After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Wings are half price"

"Good choice"

At age 72 they meet again.  

Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door."

"Great choice."

At age 82 they meet and play again.  "Where should we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?" 

"Because we've never been there before." 

"Okay."


----------



## Fishbone Jones (16 Mar 2019)

Not really funny with what's happening over there, :'(  but it had to go somewhere.

Maybe the mods could find a better forum for it.


----------



## Cloud Cover (16 Mar 2019)

Boeing makes its own craft beer now (middle one) :


----------



## Rifleman62 (24 Mar 2019)

Justin Trudeau walks into a Royal Bank to cash a cheque.  As he approaches the cashier he says,  "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me?”

Cashier:  "It would be my pleasure sir.  Could you please show me your ID?"

Trudeau:  "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Justin Trudeau, the leader of the Liberal Party of Canada!!!!"

Cashier:  "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the CIDC legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Trudeau:  "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier:   "I am sorry, Mr. Trudeau, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Trudeau:  "Mon Dieu.  I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque."

Cashier:  "Look Mr. Trudeau , here is an example of what we can do.  One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID.  To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.  With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.

Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID.  He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup.  With that shot we cashed his cheque.

So, Mr. Trudeau, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"

Trudeau stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank, I have absolutely no idea what to do, I don't have a clue."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. Trudeau?"


----------



## medicineman (24 Mar 2019)

Rifleman62 said:
			
		

> Justin Trudeau walks into a Royal Bank to cash a cheque.  As he approaches the cashier he says,  "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me?”
> 
> Cashier:  "It would be my pleasure sir.  Could you please show me your ID?"
> 
> ...



 :rofl:


----------



## kkwd (27 Mar 2019)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mbdCO5YV8TQ


----------



## Fishbone Jones (6 Apr 2019)

Biden Appointed Head of TSA

https://babylonbee.com/news/joe-biden-appointed-head-of-tsa?%3Futm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=benshapiro


----------



## mariomike (14 Apr 2019)




----------



## Rifleman62 (25 Jun 2019)

History Class 

The teacher said...Let's begin by reviewing some history. 

Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death!'?    

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up:  "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

Very good! “Who said:  “Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth!'?"     

Again, no response except from Little Akio:   "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." 

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bit more difficult.    "Who said, 'Ask not what your Country can do for you, but what you can do for your Country'?"  

Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said:     "John F. Kennedy, 1961." 

The teacher snapped at her class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do." 

She hears a loud whisper:..  "F--k the Japs."    "Who said that?   I want to know right now," she angrily demanded.    

Little Akio put his hand up,   "General MacArthur, 1945." 

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."    The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"   

Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." 

Now furious, the same student yells, "Suck this!"  

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher.   "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"    

The teacher fainted   As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,  *"Damn, we're screwed."*  

Little Akio said quietly,   "Chuck Schumer when Trump got elected in 2016."


----------



## TN2IC (1 Aug 2019)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBlFHuCzPgY


----------



## VinceW (1 Aug 2019)

In Heaven,
The Lovers are French,the Mechanics are German,the Cooks are Italian,the Police and Military are British,and everything is organized by the Swiss.

In Hell,
The Cooks are British,the Mechanics are French,the Police and Military are German, the Lovers are Swiss,and it’s all organized by the Italians.


----------



## mariomike (2 Aug 2019)

I've had the same Japanese RMT for years. I told her,  "Heaven is an American salary, a Canadian house, an Italian cook and a Japanese wife."

( I leave out the part about a French girlfriend. )

I believe the Japanese part to be true. Japan has always been favorite travel destination as a Gaijin.



			
				VinceW said:
			
		

> In Hell,
> , the Lovers are Swiss,



Maybe you just haven't met the right one?

A toast to our wives and girlfriends. ( May they never meet. )


----------



## RocketRichard (2 Aug 2019)

VinceW said:
			
		

> In Heaven,
> The Lovers are French,the Mechanics are German,the Cooks are Italian,the Police and Military are British,and everything is organized by the Swiss.
> 
> In Hell,
> The Cooks are British,the Mechanics are French,the Police and Military are German, the Lovers are Swiss,and it’s all organized by the Italians.


Having lived in CH do not concur about Swiss lovers bit... 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## dapaterson (7 Aug 2019)

Two thirds of all Finance officers in the Canadian military are bad at math.

Don't worry.  The other half make up for it.


----------



## mariomike (22 Aug 2019)

West Wing Story | THE SIMPSONS
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ErhaWVG0o1I


----------



## ironduke57 (7 Sep 2019)

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal! :rofl:


----------



## Journeyman (1 Oct 2019)

Former Chief of MI5, Dame Stella Remington, _Open Secret_  (2001):  When each country was asked to say what their top priority security concern, I said, 'Terrorism,' and the Namibian delegate said, "Cattle Rustling."

Different worlds;  different problems.   ;D


----------

