# Boyfriend in basic training started pushing me away towards the end of training?



## stacey101 (8 Nov 2015)

hello! 
I have no idea if this is the right thread to be posting this so please don't get angry  
Im trying to support my boyfriend who is in training as much as possible, and everything was perfectly fine between us until early last week 
where he basically did a 180 in the blink of an eye suddenly trying to get me to hate him with thoughts of leaving me. I can't even get him to answer me for a reason behind all of this, which is breaking my heart even more. I've toned down the drama after the initial shock of this conversation because I don't want to stress him out and screw up the end of his training and make sure he passes  But how do I support him in the best possible way when he doesn't even want to listen to me at this point when I went from being his 'rock' to basically nothing. ? 

Ill be at the graduation, and I am scared as to how he will react to me being there considering he hasnt spoken to me in days let alone the next few weeks.

Please help, i just need to know how to do the best in supporting him


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## GAP (8 Nov 2015)

You very well may be dramatizing it by thinking of the worst that can happen.....sometimes during training, that's all you focus on.

Give it time, and stop anticipating the worst while insisting he sooth your worries....

 :2c:


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## stacey101 (8 Nov 2015)

GAP said:
			
		

> You very well may be dramatizing it by thinking of the worst that can happen.....sometimes during training, that's all you focus on.
> 
> Give it time, and stop anticipating the worst while insisting he sooth your worries....
> 
> :2c:



I wouldnt say 'sooth' my worries as he is the one who said he was thinking about leaving me, i just was looking for answers from him as to why . 

"Sometimes during training, that's all you focus on", what do you exactly mean by that  ? 

and thank you for the reply!


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## daftandbarmy (8 Nov 2015)

stacey101 said:
			
		

> I wouldnt say 'sooth' my worries as he is the one who said he was thinking about leaving me, i just was looking for answers from him as to why .
> 
> "Sometimes during training, that's all you focus on", what do you exactly mean by that  ?
> 
> and thank you for the reply!



I call it 'soldier focus'. 

During training, most recruits are going through a kind of hell that no one else really understands, apart from their colleagues. It tends to get worse the nearer they get to the end of that training, of course. 

By now you've probably guessed that this isn't exactly an interview for a job at MacDonald's, after all.

Some people are changed forever by the experience.

I have no idea if this is the case in your situation, of course, but it might be one of the dynamics in play.


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## stacey101 (8 Nov 2015)

daftandbarmy said:
			
		

> I call it 'soldier focus'.
> 
> During training, most recruits are going through a kind of hell that no one else really understands, apart from their colleagues. It tends to get worse the nearer they get to the end of that training, of course.
> 
> ...



Ahh, thank you for the clarification! . Lucky for me I come from a military family ( i'm actually the one who ended the family 'tradition' ) so I was already prepared to an extent of what he would be experiencing, I guess I wasn't aware that he would push me away in the process. I just hope by the time graduation rolls around it wont start/end with a awkward hand shake. 

I guess the best thing for me to do at this point is just give him his space until graduation?

Thank you both for the advice


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## BeyondTheNow (8 Nov 2015)

I'm not trying to be cruel, but I'm going to give it to you very straight-forwardly here.

I was injured during training and have been (mostly) at CFLRS for 14+ mths now. I'm older and have seen/heard a lot during my time here. I've been on multiple platoons and have built a rapport with staff, civvies and many, many recruits at the base alike, as well as probably having made a few enemies. ('Comes with the territory, especially when one tends to be overly opinionated and open at times.) Most of my friends are strictly military now.

So here it is. Basic is a really trying time for young couples (whether in a long-term relationship or still in their 'honeymoon' stage), and I'm sorry to say, there are many who don't make it. Some do, of course, but some don't.

As has been mentioned, this experience changes many people. Not necessarily for the worst OR the best, it just changes them. They are thrust into a world, which quite literally, takes over every single facet of their life as they once knew it. As was also mentioned, it's very common for those who are here to find it easier to relate to those who are going through the same sorts of things. The outside world seems very distant and even surreal at times. This becomes their new life. Unfortunately, civilian friendships and romantic relationships often become the casualties, especially at the beginning when there really isn't a lot of time to try and balance the two. 

Platoon mates become very close in a very short period of time. They get each other's jokes, they understand the stresses, they eat, sleep, sweat and sometimes cry together. They hurt together, even hate each other at times together. It's a world that unless one has personal knowledge of, it can't be fully understood.

I understand the need you must have to share in this experience with your loved one and to want to be a part of it. But the fact is, you really can't be. Even if your significant other is an excellent communicator and is the empathetic type, there simply isn't even the time to try and get you to understand all the ways in which he's being affected right now. 

The distance your boyfriend is feeling from you (physically and emotionally) right now is all too common. His questioning of the relationship and whether or not it still has a future given the lifestyle he's decided to pursue is all too common. Sometimes the couple thinks they know how their lives will be impacted, but then when it really happens, they realize they had no clue.

So my advice? 'Not much you can do. If it's meant to be, everything will work out. If not? You'll find someone else who you'll care very deeply for. As hard as it is, don't pressure him, don't ask him why he's not treating you the same way, don't ask him about the future of the relationship. Those questions (if still needing answers) can better be dealt with after graduation. 

It's hard to feel like you're losing someone, but unfortunately that's the way it goes sometimes. Be strong, be supportive, don't let your insecurities overwhelm you. Even though you guys are a couple, I'm assuming you're both young and the both of you still have your own journeys to navigate.


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## Eye In The Sky (8 Nov 2015)

I'll counter that long paragraph below with this:

- Many couples go thru challenging times at different periods in one or both members service careers.  Sometimes things become 'blurry' on the younger service member who is away for the first time.  This could be from stress, distance, whatever.  Sometimes recruits get the "you don't understand me, you are just a civie" complex that they come out of after they realize yes, they are just a recruit, in peacetime (as far as they are concerned) in Canada.  

- what to do?  Don't smother him, keep living your life (because you DO still have a life of your own to live...regardless of anything else).  see where the cards fall kind of thing.

Not to discount the above advice, BUT it is from 1 person's perspective of the military who hasn't made it out of the Mega yet.  Not that any of it is incorrect or false, but I think it was far too general and wide-sweeping.  I went thru Basic years ago, I've taught more BMQs than I can count on fingers and toes and worked at the Mega as an Instructor.  Not every young relationship is doomed once on of the people step thru the Green Doors.  Mine made it, many others did and some did not back in '89 when I did the course, which has likely been the case for almost every recruit course ever.


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## stacey101 (8 Nov 2015)

Eye In The Sky said:
			
		

> I'll counter that long paragraph below with this:
> 
> - Many couples go thru challenging times at different periods in one or both members service careers.  Sometimes things become 'blurry' on the younger service member who is away for the first time.  This could be from stress, distance, whatever.  Sometimes recruits get the "you don't understand me, you are just a civie" complex that they come out of after they realize yes, they are just a recruit, in peacetime (as far as they are concerned) in Canada.
> 
> ...



I really hope you are right, i'm really hoping when we are finally able to see each other on his graduation he will remember what we are together and regain belief that we will make it work with his career as he seems to have the line of thought right now that it wont work because of that.  Im not sure what this forum is like in regards to liking updates, but I will give the update of what actually happens the day of his grad. Unfortunately, he is being bused out at 5am the following morning to his new posting ( which he wont tell me where it is, this is not normal behavior from him once again ) so i'll have to make the best of what I can in the hours I can talk to him.


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## rmc_wannabe (8 Nov 2015)

I will offer the same advice my RSM gave me when I told him I was getting married:

"The Army will not make a weak relationship strong; but it won't make a strong one weak, either. Figuring out which one you're in is the real hell of it "

Stay strong, carry on with your life, and keep supporting him as much as you can (or as much as he's willing to accept). 

Just my 2 cents.


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## BeyondTheNow (8 Nov 2015)

Eye In The Sky said:
			
		

> ...
> 
> Not to discount the above advice, BUT it is from 1 person's perspective of the military who hasn't made it out of the Mega yet.  Not that any of it is incorrect or false, but I think it was far too general and wide-sweeping...



For clarification to other readers; in no way was I inferring that my observations during my period of time at CFLRS is reflective of the military as a whole. The OP is concerned about what might be happening with her bf in this environment. I definitely feel I'm qualified to speak on the happenings here, and I *do* agree with EITS that some relationships continue just fine, as I mentioned in my post. 

While it's important to remain positive, I feel the OP also would benefit having insight into the negative aspect of things as well.


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## dimsum (8 Nov 2015)

stacey101 said:
			
		

> Unfortunately, he is being bused out at 5am the following morning to his new posting ( which he wont tell me where it is, this is not normal behavior from him once again ) so i'll have to make the best of what I can in the hours I can talk to him.



It's _possible_ that at this point, weeks away from grad, he doesn't know yet where he's posted to, or that posting rumours are all over the place and he doesn't want to give incorrect information.


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## stacey101 (8 Nov 2015)

Dimsum said:
			
		

> It's _possible_ that at this point, weeks away from grad, he doesn't know yet where he's posted to, or that posting rumours are all over the place and he doesn't want to give incorrect information.



Really?? That gives me so much relief if that is the case. At this point, i'm overthinking everything.... graduation cannot come soon enough.


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## stacey101 (8 Nov 2015)

rmc_wannabe said:
			
		

> I will offer the same advice my RSM gave me when I told him I was getting married:
> 
> "The Army will not make a weak relationship strong; but it won't make a strong one weak, either. Figuring out which one you're in is the real hell of it "
> 
> ...



Thank you! I know going into this and until the past week it was rock solid, and once again that is which has help lead to so much confusion and questioning this new line of thoughts in his head.


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## Loachman (9 Nov 2015)

stacey101 said:
			
		

> Im not sure what this forum is like in regards to liking updates



Unless you are a complete thud - and you're not - we tend to care, so feel free to post updates.


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## stacey101 (9 Nov 2015)

Loachman said:
			
		

> Unless you are a complete thud - and you're not - we tend to care, so feel free to post updates.



Haha excellent! 
I've got to thank you all, this is the first forum in my tries of 3 for help on the topic and you've been so supportive to a total stranger . Each other forum became negative and hostile, I just had to leave them.  Thank you all again!


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## daftandbarmy (9 Nov 2015)

stacey101 said:
			
		

> Haha excellent!
> I've got to thank you all, this is the first forum in my tries of 3 for help on the topic and you've been so supportive to a total stranger . Each other forum became negative and hostile, I just had to leave them.  Thank you all again!



Give us some time. We'll screw it up somehow. It's the CAF way  ;D


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## stacey101 (9 Nov 2015)

daftandbarmy said:
			
		

> Give us some time. We'll screw it up somehow. It's the CAF way  ;D



haha!


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## stacey101 (9 Nov 2015)

As most of you have more then likely seen my first post on the current issue between myself and my boyfriend who is in basic right now -  I am going to his graduation. Because of the thoughts he is having right now in regards to leaving me and such ( which i strongly believe its the separation and new life style that has done this ) he wont spill a single detail on his graduation as he is trying to what seems push me away. 
That being said, I know the day I am to be there, and the time and roughly what im suppose to wear (semi casual). 
Outside of that, how long is the ceremony, can I take him off base after for a few hours? Is there anything in general should I know about it?


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## mariomike (9 Nov 2015)

stacey101 said:
			
		

> how long is the ceremony,





			
				stacey101 said:
			
		

> can I take him off base after for a few hours? Is there anything in general should I know about it?



This may help,

"Family members and friends of the graduates are invited to the Graduation Ceremonies. The ceremonies take place on Thursdays at 2 pm in the HD-4 Building located at the Saint-Jean Garrison. Doors open at 12:30 pm, and guests must be seated no later than 1:45 pm on a first-come, first-serve basis. Parking spots are also available for the guests. 

The ceremony is approximately an hour long and is followed by a reception for the graduates, their families and their instructors. After the reception, with their instructors' approval, graduates can go out for the evening with their families, but will have to return to the School no later than 9:30 pm. 

The evening prior to the Graduation Ceremony, from 6:00 pm to 9:30 pm, with their instructors’ approval, graduates can welcome guests at the main building entrance and shall proceed to the O'Mega Mess or the cafeteria. Graduates may be granted permission to have supper in town.

A few weeks before the Graduation Ceremony, candidates will be informed of the procedure to gain permission to meet their respective families and friends for the evenings before and after the Graduation Ceremony.

What happens after the course?

A few weeks prior to the Graduation Ceremony, candidates will find out when and where they will have to report to their next training establishment. In most cases, graduates leave the day following the ceremony. In some exceptional cases and if the conditions allow it, graduates may leave with their families after the ceremony if they have received permission from their instructors.

The ceremonies take place at 2 pm in the HD-4 Building located at the Saint-Jean Garrison. Guests must be seated no later than 1:45 pm on a first-come, first-serve basis.

Dress
For civilians: business attire"

More info for family members and friends of the graduates:
http://www.forces.gc.ca/en/training-establishments/recruit-school.page


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## Gunner98 (9 Nov 2015)

stacey,

Something you have not shared (or maybe I missed it) is whether you have seen him in person since his Basic Training began.  Absence does not always make the heart grow fonder. He has been under the influence of a peer group that you do not share, it has norms and ideas that you cannot know or understand regardless of your previous affiliation with the military.  At graduation, he will see you and you will have a chance to see how he really feels.  If he does not collapse into your arms then perhaps he is a little stronger from the basic training experience and you should just fall into his and take it from there. 

Best wishes!


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## stacey101 (9 Nov 2015)

mariomike said:
			
		

> This may help,
> 
> "Family members and friends of the graduates are invited to the Graduation Ceremonies. The ceremonies take place on Thursdays at 2 pm in the HD-4 Building located at the Saint-Jean Garrison. Doors open at 12:30 pm, and guests must be seated no later than 1:45 pm on a first-come, first-serve basis. Parking spots are also available for the guests.
> 
> ...



this helps A LOT!  
Thank you so much !


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## stacey101 (9 Nov 2015)

Simian Turner said:
			
		

> stacey,
> 
> Something you have not shared (or maybe I missed it) is whether you have seen him in person since his Basic Training began.  Absence does not always make the heart grow fonder. He has been under the influence of a peer group that you do not share, it has norms and ideas that you cannot know or understand regardless of your previous affiliation with the military.  At graduation, he will see you and you will have a chance to see how he really feels.  If he does not collapse into your arms then perhaps he is a little stronger from the basic training experience and you should just fall into his and take it from there.
> 
> Best wishes!



Sorry I just assumed that was a normal thing for basic training long distance relationships  ( and no i havent seen him since as I was on the other side of the world volunteering with orphaned wildlife so we agreed to wait until November when we thought he was coming home for 2 weeks, now that 2 week break is christmas ) I am worried about the friend group he fell into for a few reasons, 1) he was never social unless he was with me or out for a drink with a co worker or two and 2) most of his friends are single.  Your advice is actually something im leaning on right now as his mom said the same. She went to the point of telling me to not message him if he doesnt message me even if it is for the next 3 weeks and see how he reacts at first sight because that will be his true feelings.


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## mariomike (9 Nov 2015)

stacey101 said:
			
		

> this helps A LOT!
> Thank you so much !



You are welcome. I hope you both have a good great time.


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## Gunner98 (9 Nov 2015)

In my 30 years (now over) in the military with more than 12 years at training establishments as a student and staff member, long distance relationships were always interesting to observe and experience.  

I was able to see my then girlfriend throughout my Phase Training period over the course of two years.  As staff, I watched both male and female supporters of students be left at the gate even after travelling long distances to see them.  I also witnessed many relationships (including mine) that remained physical despite the love being long gone.

As others have said he is undergoing a period of change and growth, regardless he will not be the exact same man who left you several months ago.  He will continue to change with training and further absences.  Remember the analogies of the butterfly kept under glass or the fish living in a small bowl.  In all likelihood you have changed while he was away.  You will both have to get used to it or get off the train before the cycle begins again.


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## stacey101 (9 Nov 2015)

Simian Turner said:
			
		

> In my 30 years (now over) in the military with more than 12 years at training establishments as a student and staff member, long distance relationships were always interesting to observe and experience.
> 
> I was able to see my then girlfriend throughout my Phase Training period over the course of two years.  As staff, I watched both male and female supporters of students be left at the gate even after travelling long distances to see them.  I also witnessed many relationships (including mine) that remained physical despite the love being long gone.
> 
> As others have said he is undergoing a period of change and growth, regardless he will not be the exact same man who left you several months ago.  He will continue to change with training and further absences.  Remember the analogies of the butterfly kept under glass or the fish living in a small bowl.  In all likelihood you have changed while he was away.  You will both have to get used to it or get off the train before the cycle begins again.



I would of visited him on the weekends if flights weren't so expensive to get off the rock .  Being left at the gate... that is beyond depressing  Im happy we both established weeks ago the 'accept the new life style/change or we can't do this' wagon. Like mentioned above, this literally went from a solid 2 months apart with him saying how much he was in love with me and how much he misses me to one night last week without warning this mess.  I think when I get there, i'll just throw myself at him and listen to his breathing ... he is a dead give away when he is over the moon kind of happy, unless training changed that haha! The worse that can happen is a cold fast hug in return.  But like I said, there will be a follow up the night of his grad, a depressing one or a happy one.


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## CherryCherry (11 Nov 2015)

Something that no one here is mentioning - immediately after the grad ceremony he won't be able to "fall into your arms" or even hold your hand while he is in uniform. I really hope everything works out for the two of you, just manage your expectations for his reaction on seeing you. Trust me, I wanted nothing more than to jump into my guy's arms when the ceremony was over ;D. And he's going to be exhausted, emotionally and physically. Grad day is a very long day for them and the culmination of everything they have been killing themselves for.

With that said, it really sounds like there is something he isn't telling you - you said it's not normal for him to not tell you things like where he's being posted. CFLRS is a different world, and Montreal can be a crazy place. I don't want to put thoughts in your head, because you really won't know until you know, and there's nothing you can do about it right now... Just try to be supportive of him however you can and however he needs you to be.

Best of luck - can't wait to read your updates!


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## CherryCherry (11 Nov 2015)

Things to expect:

Traffic - depending on where you are staying, if you are driving or taking a taxi, it's always smart to give yourself extra time to get to the school
Marching ... lots of marching
At least one person is going to pass out
Depending on how many commendations are being handed out at the same time, it might run longer than the hour
I mentioned in your other thread, but your guy won't be able to hug, kiss, hold your hand, etc. while he is in uniform
A crowded reception afterwards, maybe even a marriage proposal or two - personally, we ducked out as soon as we could to go to dinner and head back to my hotel room :nod: haha
A lot of happy grads


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## Eye In The Sky (11 Nov 2015)

CherryCherry said:
			
		

> Something that no one here is mentioning - immediately after the grad ceremony he won't be able to "fall into your arms" or even hold your hand while he is in uniform.



And why is that?


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## stacey101 (11 Nov 2015)

CherryCherry said:
			
		

> Something that no one here is mentioning - immediately after the grad ceremony he won't be able to "fall into your arms" or even hold your hand while he is in uniform. I really hope everything works out for the two of you, just manage your expectations for his reaction on seeing you. Trust me, I wanted nothing more than to jump into my guy's arms when the ceremony was over ;D. And he's going to be exhausted, emotionally and physically. Grad day is a very long day for them and the culmination of everything they have been killing themselves for.
> 
> With that said, it really sounds like there is something he isn't telling you - you said it's not normal for him to not tell you things like where he's being posted. CFLRS is a different world, and Montreal can be a crazy place. I don't want to put thoughts in your head, because you really won't know until you know, and there's nothing you can do about it right now... Just try to be supportive of him however you can and however he needs you to be.
> 
> Best of luck - can't wait to read your updates!



I kinda figured the no hug/hand rule, shame :/ 
its hard not to put thoughts in my own head, but a couple of the hostile comments he's made the last week is making that hard. But i trust him... so im going to keep my chin up until Grad.  

He is no longer taking my support, or messaging. So over the next few weeks, i'm going in blind and expecting the worse because at this point i don't see this turning around as much as i want it too. But i'll update regardless of what happens.


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## stacey101 (11 Nov 2015)

CherryCherry said:
			
		

> Things to expect:
> 
> Traffic - depending on where you are staying, if you are driving or taking a taxi, it's always smart to give yourself extra time to get to the school
> Marching ... lots of marching
> ...




At this point, im really hope we will be leaving the building still as boyfriend and girlfriend and thats if he'll want to leave with me.  Working myself up big time for this


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## CherryCherry (11 Nov 2015)

Eye In The Sky said:
			
		

> And why is that?



from  http://www.forces.gc.ca/en/about-policies-standards-defence-admin-orders-directives-5000/5019-1.page
*
DAOD 5019-1, Personal Relationships and Fraternization*

*4. Operating Principles
Personal Conduct*

4.1 CAF members in a personal relationship shall refrain from conduct that may be considered unprofessional in a military context. For example, a CAF member while in uniform in public with another person shall not:

    a.    hold hands;
    b.    kiss, except in greeting and farewell; or
    c.    caress or embrace in a romantic manner.


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## Good2Golf (11 Nov 2015)

CherryCherry said:
			
		

> from  http://www.forces.gc.ca/en/about-policies-standards-defence-admin-orders-directives-5000/5019-1.page
> *
> DAOD 5019-1, Personal Relationships and Fraternization*
> 
> ...



You forgot to set the context of DAOD 5019-1.  It refers to a personal relationship between two CAF members, or other variant of organizational/military relationship, not one between a military member and a pure civilian. [see below]



> 2. DEFINITIONS
> ...
> personal relationship (relation personnelle)
> 
> An emotional, romantic, sexual or family relationship, including marriage or a common-law partnership or civil union, between two CAF members, or a CAF member and a DND employee or contractor, or member of an allied force.


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## CherryCherry (11 Nov 2015)

Good2Golf said:
			
		

> You forgot to set the context of DAOD 5019-1.  It refers to a personal relationship between two CAF members. [see below]



Oh I see. Maybe my guy is misunderstanding then, but he was told no PDA in uniform and I don't see any when I drop him off at dockyard every morning.


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## Good2Golf (11 Nov 2015)

CherryCherry said:
			
		

> Oh I see. Maybe my guy is misunderstanding then, but he was told no PDA in uniform and I don't see any when I drop him off at dockyard every morning.



The Divisional CPO could be being some kind of stickler using oblique references to a DAOD, but 5019-1 is about internal fraternization and member-member relationships.  The common-sense approach, including other references that I don't have on had at the moment, is to apply judgement to the situation.  Today, after the local Remembrance Day ceremony, I saw numerous serving CAF members holding their spouse's hand, from junior to senior members, as they walked away from the day's ceremony.  No RSM's head was exploding, note general furrowing their brow.  If a local Commander chooses to give specific direction that CAF members under his/her command are not to have any such interaction with spouses/children, I suppose they can, but I would seriously question such a commander's priorities if they were to "go hard" on such an issue.

:2c:

Regards,
G2G


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## Eye In The Sky (11 Nov 2015)

CherryCherry said:
			
		

> Oh I see. Maybe my guy is misunderstanding then, but he was told no PDA in uniform and I don't see any when I drop him off at dockyard every morning.



Morale of the story; people who aren't in the military should refrain from advising others on military regulations.

I hear all kinds of 'made up rules' that contradict actual published ones, and I give them the attention they deserve.  Common sense applies, of course, and people who ignore common sense and good, basic judgement are the ones who usually are the need for 'specific direction'.  I have, and will continue to, hold my wife's hand and kiss her good bye when I "am going out the door", even if that is at the AMU (aka for an extended duration).

I'd likely have a colorful and creative reply for anyone who felt the need to interrupt me in the middle of a good-bye in that instance.


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## stacey101 (11 Nov 2015)

Eye In The Sky said:
			
		

> Morale of the story; people who aren't in the military should refrain from advising others on military regulations.
> 
> I hear all kinds of 'made up rules' that contradict actual published ones, and I give them the attention they deserve.  Common sense applies, of course, and people who ignore common sense and good, basic judgement are the ones who usually are the need for 'specific direction'.  I have, and will continue to, hold my wife's hand and kiss her good bye when I "am going out the door", even if that is at the AMU (aka for an extended duration).
> 
> I'd likely have a colorful and creative reply for anyone who felt the need to interrupt me in the middle of a good-bye in that instance.



Thank you for clearing that up!  I guess the 'see if he melts' test can go ahead


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## Eye In The Sky (11 Nov 2015)

Eye In The Sky said:
			
		

> Common sense applies, of course, and people who ignore common sense and good, basic judgement are the ones who usually are the need for 'specific direction'.



This part is important.  There is also the aspect of professional conduct while in uniform/the public.  If he is uncomfortable holding your hand, etc just remember he is just finishing BMQ and may not want to 'take a chance'.

Modest, tasteful respectful PDA is okay.  Remember the common sense aspect.   :nod:

* editted for better choice WRT wording.


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## stacey101 (11 Nov 2015)

Eye In The Sky said:
			
		

> This part is important.  There is also the aspect of professional conduct while in uniform/the public.  If he is uncomfortable holding your hand, etc just remember he is just finishing BMQ and may not want to 'take a chance'.
> 
> Modest, tasteful PDA is okay.  Remember the common sense aspect.   :nod:



Absolutely, i was always nervous just kissing him when he'd visit me at work when my job was beyond...normal LOL 
just going have to take it all in after... and if.... he allows us to take him into town after.


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## CherryCherry (13 Nov 2015)

Eye In The Sky said:
			
		

> Morale (FTFY) of the story; people who aren't in the military should refrain from advising others on military regulations.



To be fair, I just grabbed the specific reg off a quick Google search to verify my point. That point being, someone above my husband told him there was no PDAs while in uniform. I realise this is the Internet, but why would I make that up?


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## runormal (13 Nov 2015)

CherryCherry said:
			
		

> To be fair, I just grabbed the specific reg off a quick Google search to verify my point. That point being, someone above my husband told him there was no PDAs while in uniform. I realise this is the Internet, but why would I make that up?



For what it is worth I was told the same thing on my reserve basic. Thanks for posting this cherry otherwise I wouldn't of known.


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## Good2Golf (13 Nov 2015)

Few are questioning what someone higher told your husband; it's actually quite believable.  It remains true, however, that standing policy on the issue regarding the situation where there is but a sole CAF member in the pair, is far less prescriptive than th DAOD 5019-1 reference quoted earlier.  Without a doubt, there are 'local-isms' where interpretation of policy is taken to the extreme, something well beyond.  The point for the original poster is that, if her boyfriend is willing, she should not feel as though she couldn't hold his hand. 

:2c:

Regards
G2G


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## Oldgateboatdriver (13 Nov 2015)

I will only add this: I have always kissed my wife good day in the car as she dropped me off at the Dockyard gate, and we were both in uniform. The world didn't end and many other seamen, including many who knew us saw this happen. Never got in trouble.

As for PDA with non military family member: Just watch TV when they show a ship returning home from a four to six month deployment or when an airplane full load of soldiers returns home from deployment.  :nod:


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## Eye In The Sky (13 Nov 2015)

CherryCherry said:
			
		

> To be fair, I just grabbed the specific reg off a quick Google search to verify my point. That point being, someone above my husband told him there was no PDAs while in uniform. I realise this is the Internet, but why would I make that up?



I am saying it doesn't matter, and it wasn't actually factual.  That, to me, overrides the 'fair' or other aspects you're still talking about.  You posted something as fact that simply isn't.  Is it really something that needs to be examined further?  We, or at least I, do not expect civilians (even if married to service members) to understand our regs.


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## Blackadder1916 (13 Nov 2015)

CherryCherry said:
			
		

> To be fair, I just grabbed the specific reg off a quick Google search to verify my point. That point being, someone above my husband told him there was no PDAs while in uniform. I realise this is the Internet, but why would I make that up?



If you are going to use a reference, use the right one.

A-DH-265-000/AG-001  Canadian Forces Dress Instructions  http://www.cfc.forces.gc.ca/255/251/A-DH-265-000-AG-001.pdf

Chapter 2 Section 2

2. Behaviour. Personnel in uniform shall
comport themselves in a manner which projects a
positive military appearance. Behaviour such as
chewing gum, slouching, placing hands in pockets,
smoking or eating on the street and walking hand in
hand, is forbidden. This instruction’s objective is to
project an image of a disciplined and self-controlled
force.

But then, behaviour is likely situational.  There is a time and place for everything and military leadership is not stupid (despite examples to the contrary).  They know that family and loved ones (and soldiers) are going to demonstrate their affection in uniform.  As long as it is appropriate to time and place only the most hard-hearted superior will make it an issue.  Walking hand in hand down the street (or through the Mega) - not acceptable.  Hugging and kissing a loved one after they return from tour or after not seeing them for an extended period - acceptable.  Continuing to make-out - not acceptable.  That quick, drop off at work kiss - not only acceptable but probably mandatory.

Yes, someone more senior told your husband that there is "no PDA in uniform".  Well, instructions to new soldiers are usually in absolutes.  One, because it is easier for them to remember and follow; two, because it would take too much time to have a discussion about the nuances of military life - that only comes from experience; and three, because it would remove opportunities for instructors to make snide comments to their charges.  Close to forty years ago, following grad parade at Cornwallis, one of the members of our platoon was in a somewhat passionate embrace with a particularly attractive female.  Our section's MCpl sauntered over and interrupted them with the comment "Bloggins, what did I tell you about chewing gum or kissing in uniform".  Bloggins (who had been caught several times chewing gum) replied "don't do it in uniform, MCpl".  No, said the MCpl, what I told you was you had to have enough to share with the rest of the section.


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## Fishbone Jones (13 Nov 2015)

Drop the tangent. Back to the thread subject.

---Staff---


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## holieee (13 Nov 2015)

My experience in the mega is the same that was explained already. My boyfriend and I were over the moon about each other in our honey moon phase while I was in basic. While I was in Borden, however, quite the opposite. He became cold and distant, not wanting much contact when I needed him. He was civilian, he didn't understand the things I was going through and he almost ceased contact all-together, but I pushed and pushed, effectively pushing him away. I came home and that night he broke up with me. That being said the civvie can push the other way too. Don't push, though. It's not good. Give him space and see if he chases you once he realizes you're night fighting for his attention anymore.
Your platoon mates are very in-tune to what he's going through and he may feel that he just wants to talk to them. They spend 18 hours a day awake with these people, he just might want to enjoy the time he has left with them; some people he will never see again.

As for his next posting, only the people that had hard postings knew where they were going. I didn't have trades training right after basic, so they permanently posted me until I went to borden 5 months later. I found out in week 10 of basic where I was going. Everyone else who had their next phase of training right after didn't find out until I think Grad week where they were going.

Don't fret. I know it's hard, but give him space.
What week is he in now? Perhaps I can give you a hint as to where he is in his training and the stressors he may be facing.


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## holieee (13 Nov 2015)

I'm going to play devils advocate here, but if he's not even telling you about the details of his Grad, would you really want to be with a person who isn't man enough to tell you he doesn't want you to come to his grad? If he's being coy, why doesn't he just tell you he doesn't want you to come?

Are his parents going? does he talk to them at all? Do they know the details of the graduation?


After the graduates finish their parade, they march out of site to dismiss and return their Accoutrements. From there, they go back to the mega to return their rifles, this all takes time. Eventually they will form up outside the mess to walk in to see their family and friends. This is where you will be able to see him for the first time on grad day.

Also, the day before graduation, recruits are usually allowed out for a few hours to spend time with family. Has he talked about this at all?
Please don't be scared if he seems weird or distant after the fact. A huge weight is being lifted from his shoulders, finally being done. At the same time, the reality that he's done and has 'freedom' will hit him.
I found it very strange to be done basic. It all hit me too fast and everything was very surreal, I couldn't talk to my family much- I didn't even know what to say.
The magnitude of him being done, that months of hard work are over, might make him seem 'off', too.


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## stacey101 (16 Nov 2015)

holieee said:
			
		

> My experience in the mega is the same that was explained already. My boyfriend and I were over the moon about each other in our honey moon phase while I was in basic. While I was in Borden, however, quite the opposite. He became cold and distant, not wanting much contact when I needed him. He was civilian, he didn't understand the things I was going through and he almost ceased contact all-together, but I pushed and pushed, effectively pushing him away. I came home and that night he broke up with me. That being said the civvie can push the other way too. Don't push, though. It's not good. Give him space and see if he chases you once he realizes you're night fighting for his attention anymore.
> Your platoon mates are very in-tune to what he's going through and he may feel that he just wants to talk to them. They spend 18 hours a day awake with these people, he just might want to enjoy the time he has left with them; some people he will never see again.
> 
> As for his next posting, only the people that had hard postings knew where they were going. I didn't have trades training right after basic, so they permanently posted me until I went to borden 5 months later. I found out in week 10 of basic where I was going. Everyone else who had their next phase of training right after didn't find out until I think Grad week where they were going.
> ...



he has 1.5 weeks left. Unfortunately, I think i pushed him too far without even knowing it.
The last 2 weeks were filled with nearly hateful comments from him to me, and i just stopped 'chasing him' mid last week to give him his space. On Saturday, i logged onto facebook and thats when I found out he broke up with me. He literally did it over facebook after agreeing to talk to me in person next week, then denying that agreement ( He has never lied to me before he went to basic.... ) To say the least, I am beyond heartbroken as I never seen any of this coming, the most I keep telling myself at this point is I should never of asked him what was wrong a few weeks ago when he was acting - off.  Im still going to to his Graduation next week, a part of me is saying once he sees me he'll remember he still loves me but the other half of me is preparing for closure.


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## stacey101 (16 Nov 2015)

holieee said:
			
		

> I'm going to play devils advocate here, but if he's not even telling you about the details of his Grad, would you really want to be with a person who isn't man enough to tell you he doesn't want you to come to his grad? If he's being coy, why doesn't he just tell you he doesn't want you to come?
> 
> Are his parents going? does he talk to them at all? Do they know the details of the graduation?
> 
> ...



he hardly speaks to his mom, all of 4 times - 3 calls 1 text. I use to hear from him nightly. 
I spoke to him about seeing him the day before, he replied "you'd be spending it alone or with who ever you hook up with" -- these are the comments that make no sense to me, from messages telling me how much he is in love with me and missing me to hostile comments that make no sense.  He broke up with me on Saturday over.... facebook. I logged on and seen I was single. 

Im still going to his graduation, a part of me wants to believe him seeing me will fix this mess but the other half is just waiting for a cold distant shoulder to throw me the rest of the way out the door.


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## Good2Golf (16 Nov 2015)

Don't beat yourself up.  Life is filled with "I could have, would have, should have...[done X...]"

No one truly knows how they'll react to a specific situation until they get there. It's even harder to try and figure out how someone else will react to a situation they've never been in before, so you shouldn't try to figure how you could have done things differently. 

What you can affect is your own life, so make sure you don't do yourself a disservice by losing focus on your life, your family, and the things that will matter to you for the rest of your own life.

:2c:

G2G


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## Gunner98 (16 Nov 2015)

stacey,

I think you know that you need to prepare yourself for the scenario in which he has replaced you by someone he met while he has been away.  That too can be one of the norms in his new peer group.  If this is the case, likely it could have happened at some point further down the road.  When you asked him what was wrong, you were being supportive and caring; ignoring the observation would not have had any different result.  The "hateful" comments being sent your way could be an expression of his guilt and disappointment in himself.  Since you are determined to be there for his graduation, I send you best wishes and encourage you to be supportive and caring but to be prepared for the additional changes in him.


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## Bruce Monkhouse (16 Nov 2015)

stacey101 said:
			
		

> On Saturday, i logged onto facebook and thats when I found out he broke up with me. He literally did it over facebook



Frig 'em,...he's an asshole. [and still being too kind]



			
				stacey101 said:
			
		

> ( He has never lied to me before he went to basic.... )


Yes he has.......you just didn't know. [see first reply]


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## mariomike (16 Nov 2015)

^ What Bruce said. ^



			
				stacey101 said:
			
		

> On Saturday, i logged onto facebook and thats when I found out he broke up with me.



"Social" media, as they call it, has added a whole new level of mortification to the process of breaking up.


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## krimynal (16 Nov 2015)

stacey101 said:
			
		

> he has 1.5 weeks left. Unfortunately, I think i pushed him too far without even knowing it.
> The last 2 weeks were filled with nearly hateful comments from him to me, and i just stopped 'chasing him' mid last week to give him his space. On Saturday, i logged onto facebook and thats when I found out he broke up with me. He literally did it over facebook after agreeing to talk to me in person next week, then denying that agreement ( He has never lied to me before he went to basic.... ) To say the least, I am beyond heartbroken as I never seen any of this coming, the most I keep telling myself at this point is I should never of asked him what was wrong a few weeks ago when he was acting - off.  Im still going to to his Graduation next week, a part of me is saying once he sees me he'll remember he still loves me but the other half of me is preparing for closure.



if he didn't even had enough balls to come up to you and talk to you directly regarding a broke up , trust me you are way better alone then with his stupid a**.  Things are not easy for any Military Wife .... but some men are simply plain stupid ahole ..... 

Trust me its way better off for you to be out of his life , imagine you waiting for him while hes deployed , stressing out for everything only to know when he comesback how much hes been lying and cheating on you !


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## Jarnhamar (16 Nov 2015)

stacey101 said:
			
		

> *Im still going to to his Graduation next week*, a part of me is saying once he sees me he'll remember he still loves me but the other half of me is preparing for closure.



Bad idea.  If he has a new GF there's a good chance she will be there. Or if he started dating someone on course she will be there. You're setting yourself up for more heart ache, stress and a wasted trip.


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## mariomike (16 Nov 2015)

stacey101 said:
			
		

> He broke up with me on Saturday over.... facebook. I logged on and seen I was single.
> 
> Im still going to his graduation, a part of me wants to believe him seeing me will fix this mess but the other half is just waiting for a cold distant shoulder to throw me the rest of the way out the door.



Are you sure that is a good idea?


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## The Bread Guy (16 Nov 2015)

Jarnhamar said:
			
		

> Bad idea.  If he has a new GF there's a good chance she will be there. Or if he started dating someone on course she will be there.


Also a bad idea if he's _not_ dating anybody else, and just wants to be without anyone right now.  Either way ....


			
				Jarnhamar said:
			
		

> You're setting yourself up for more heart ache, stress and a wasted trip.


 :nod:


			
				Bruce Monkhouse said:
			
		

> Frig 'em,...he's an asshole. [and still being too kind]


Too true ....

While we try to be as helpful as possible online, do you have anyone you can talk to about this?  It may be easier to absorb hearing it from someone like a friend than from strangers online.


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## Pushpin (16 Nov 2015)

You're worth more than the way he has treated you.  I encourage you to take the money you were planning to spend on going to his graduation and instead treat yourself!  Buy an expensive jacket or some new shoes.  Or go to a play or go see a band live.  Don't waste your money on this guy, you deserve better.


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## stacey101 (16 Nov 2015)

milnews.ca said:
			
		

> Also a bad idea if he's _not_ dating anybody else, and just wants to be without anyone right now.  Either way .... :nod:Too true ....
> 
> While we try to be as helpful as possible online, do you have anyone you can talk to about this?  It may be easier to absorb hearing it from someone like a friend than from strangers online.





			
				Jarnhamar said:
			
		

> Bad idea.  If he has a new GF there's a good chance she will be there. Or if he started dating someone on course she will be there. You're setting yourself up for more heart ache, stress and a wasted trip.





			
				krimynal said:
			
		

> if he didn't even had enough balls to come up to you and talk to you directly regarding a broke up , trust me you are way better alone then with his stupid a**.  Things are not easy for any Military Wife .... but some men are simply plain stupid ahole .....
> 
> Trust me its way better off for you to be out of his life , imagine you waiting for him while hes deployed , stressing out for everything only to know when he comesback how much hes been lying and cheating on you !





			
				Pushpin said:
			
		

> You're worth more than the way he has treated you.  I encourage you to take the money you were planning to spend on going to his graduation and instead treat yourself!  Buy an expensive jacket or some new shoes.  Or go to a play or go see a band live.  Don't waste your money on this guy, you deserve better.



I think i've included everyones comment if I havent, very sorry I did read them all tho!
As for someone to talk about it too, in the area - he literally is...was my only friend outside of coworkers who have now moved. I wasnt lonely before the break up,  that only set in when this all went down hill as i didnt just lose a lover but a best friend in one shot  The ticket for the trip, is non-refundable, non-transferable. SO when this all crashes on grad, I intend to make the most of my time in Montreal with his mom and do some tourist sight seeing as Im typically a wildlife/rehab volunteer when I travel.   

And I do agree, this was a childish move on his behalf especially after agreeing to talk in person TWICE prior to Saturday.  The most I got out of the conversation when I realized what he had done was money was a concern from him in regards to him not being able to afford much the next few years and having to live on base ( why im pointing that out is simply because it was the most RANDOM comment he could of thrown in the conversation) ... and to clarify im not an expensive girlfriend. I ask for pizza on date night, and a movie on a cheap night monthly.... so the money thing really has me thrown off thinking he thinks he suddenly needs to spend a fortune on me.  Either way at this point... i'm crossing every digit that there isnt a replacement as much as my gut is hinting on to this being an issue as it happened after a weekend DT ( this would be the nightmare).  However this being said, what ever way this turns  in the end - lesson learned, if this ever happens again.... make sure they actually want you there. This is going to go one of two ways at the end of that day, heartbreak/closure or one very emotionally stressed 21 year old who ends up asking for forgiveness ( but im taking the first one with me to prepare myself for what ever happens that day ).


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## MJP (16 Nov 2015)

stacey101 said:
			
		

> The ticket for the trip, is non-refundable, non-transferable. SO when this all crashes on grad, I intend to make the most of my time in Montreal with his mom and



Holy fuck...Now you are drifting in crazy ex status.

You know why divorces are so expensive?  Because they are worth it.  Consider the cost of your ticket as being worth it for not having him in your life and go have fun.


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## stacey101 (16 Nov 2015)

MJP said:
			
		

> Holy frig...Now you are drifting in crazy ex status.
> 
> You know why divorces are so expensive?  Because they are worth it.  Consider the cost of your ticket as being worth it for not having him in your life and go have fun.



woah no, never the crazy ex! yikes! A very sad one, but not crazy.... 
Crashes, in regards to my hopes of him accepting me not happening! LOL His mom actually invited me to stay in her hotel the entire stay ( i was going to book my own room, but when she found out i was coming she told me to call her up and she offered me a bed )  and to make a girls week out of it and explore the city because she doesn't want me moping around the hotel for 4 days feeling sorry for myself


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## Humphrey Bogart (16 Nov 2015)

This thread is pure jokes!

Need to go watch some Maury Povich to get this disgusting taste out of my mouth!


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## mariomike (16 Nov 2015)

stacey101 said:
			
		

> woah no, never the crazy ex! yikes! A very sad one, but not crazy....



You don't sound like a "bunny boiler" to me.   < Just kidding >


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## fireandice21 (10 Aug 2022)

I wonder what happened at grad


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## armrdsoul77 (11 Aug 2022)




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## PuckChaser (11 Aug 2022)

OP hasnt been back since 2015, I think we're done.


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