# 101 Things I Have Learned From the Royal Canadian Navy



## jollyjacktar (20 Oct 2011)

1. The correct answer to all questions is "I have no excuse P.O."
2. Beards make you look cool.
3. Excessive drinking is penalized.
4. Infrequent drinking is penalized.
5. Rules are what you obey when people are looking.
6. The east coast vs. west coast debate will not be solved till either the west coast has an earthquake and sinks into the ocean or the east coast sobers up.
7. Even the French don't like the French.
8. Other people's incompetence is an acceptable topic for everyday conversation.
9. Really shiny shoes are required for my survival in a combat situation.
10. Really well ironed pants are required for my survival in a combat situation.
11. Having the back of my neck well shaved is required for my survival in a combat situation.
12. Clean underwear is not required. Ever.
13. The unusually large size of the turd in the heads is an acceptable topic for everyday conversation.
14. Leading Seamen don't outrank shit.
15. Grown adults are not mature enough and for their own protection need to be told to not run with scissors.
16. Grown adults cannot be trusted to not burn off their testicles with hot equipment and need to be constantly supervised.
17. Not getting off early enough for an afternoon nap is an acceptable complaint.
18. All naval traditions are vaguely gay.
19. The following sentence makes perfect sense to a navy man; "The Master Seaman went to the poop deck to watch the Rear Admiral swallow the anchor and drink moose milk."
20. Retiring is called "swallowing the anchor."
21. Floors are called decks.
22. Walls are called bulkheads.
23. Toilets are called heads.
24. Dessert is called duff.
25. Hallways are called flats.
26. A boat can fit on a ship. A ship can not fit on a boat.
27. Don't touch the floor in the showers.
28. Don't touch the walls in the showers.
29. Don't touch the hand railings, anywhere.
30. On  Friday I will be having  fish for lunch , seven years from now.
31. Vegetables are not a food group.
32. Moose milk is a food group.
33. Failure to tie your shoes is an acceptable reason for ass-raping.
34. Failure to wear your headdress outdoors is an acceptable reason for ass-raping.
35. Complaining about the ass-raping is an acceptable reason for ass-raping.
36. All sailors swear like sailors.
37. The skanky nature of the women you have slept with is an acceptable topic for everyday conversation.
38. The skanky nature of the woman you are sleeping with is an acceptable topic for everyday conversation.
39. The skanky nature of the woman you are trying to sleep with is an acceptable topic for everyday conversation.
40. The law of diminishing returns does not apply to revenue driven military operations such as the galley on base.
41. Decreasing quality and increasing prices thereby decreasing the customer base is an effective way for the galley to make more money.
42. A promotion to the rank of P.O. comes with a fair bit of weight. Usually about 120 pounds.>
43. The word navy is an acronym that stands for Never Again Volunteer Yourself.
44. You will be told when to volunteer for things.
45. Spending 15k$ on monitoring software to ensure people don't use government computers to play solitaire during their lunch breaks is an acceptable use of public funds.
46. Spending 1k$ to purchase technical manuals made within the past 20 years is not an acceptable use of public funds.
47. Spending millions to retrofit a ship and then immediately decommission it and spend millions more to return it to its original state so it can be given to a museum for free is an acceptable use of public funds.
48. Spending one dollar for a replacement pencil is not an acceptable use of public funds.
49. People who tell you to get your hair cut are always bald.
50. Victoria smells good and has only a couple of bars.
51. Halifax smells bad and has a couple hundred bars.
52. Drinking is optional. In Victoria.
53. Showers are optional. In Halifax.
54. Do not eat the communal cheese.
55. All doors are button operated for the benefit of people in wheel chairs. Even the doors that lead to stairwells.
56. Cologne should be applied by dipping your head into a bucket of the cheapest shit you can find.
57. The sense of smell is a privilege, not a right. It will be revoked if abused.
58. Everybody requires a nick name. Preference will be given to names that imply homosexuality. E.g. "spanky"
59. Where we will drink next Friday is an acceptable topic for everyday conversation.
60. Where we will drink next Saturday is an acceptable topic for everyday conversation.
61. Where we will drink next Sunday is an acceptable topic for everyday conversation.
62. Where we will drink on lunch break during the week is an acceptable topic for everyday conversation.
63. It takes several days to paint a 6' square wall..
64. Attendance is required.
65. Work is not.
66. Excelling at a menial task results in doing that same menial task everyday for 20 years.
67. The first 15 minutes of every conversation should consist of senseless yelling.
68. 8 sailors in 1 room does not guarantee a well tied knot.
69. Mine-sweepers are ships that are made out of metal and look for mines.
70. Mines are magnetic.
71. Stopping work at 10AM to eat soup is a god-given right worth killing for.
72. Conversations regarding the number of beers in a flat or case can result in fist-fights.
73. It is necessary to posses the appropriate qualifications to be allowed to do a particular job.
74. It is not necessary to possess skill or competency to be allowed to do a particular job.
75. One out of every 17 pay stubs will be accidentally sent to Quebec, with Quebec taxes and deductions taken off. Even if you've never been to Quebec.
76. A failure to make a good decision with no information will be punished. Clairvoyance is required.
77. The entire navy is telepathic by nature and communication is not necessary.
78. There are no mistakes caused by poor communication, only mistakes caused by insufficient funding.
79. Insult on the west-coast; sucky baby. On the east-coast; sooky baby. The border for this difference appears to be Québec.
80. "Sorry dude, I thought it was my locker." is a valid excuse for getting completely wasted and pissing in a stranger's closet at 3am.
81. Canada's submarines have spent more time above the ground than Canada's helicopters.
82. Suggestions for improving the quality of junior-rank barracks should include: more inspections, more duty personnel, more responsibilities, and free cake.
83. Everybody has either slept with a French reservist or is a French reservist.
84. Canadian warships have an expensive, highly complex, and advanced decoy system to protect themselves against a specific type of acoustic torpedo. The Only country that uses acoustic torpedoes is Chile.>
85. I get paid 6000$ per year to do my job.
86. I get paid and additional 36000$ per year to put up with bullshit.
87. Every member of the Canadian forces (regardless of age, size, fitness level, activity level, culture, religion, work schedule, gender or metabolism) required the exact same amount of food three times a day, every day seven days a week.
88. I am the only person responsible for ensuring that my pay is accurate.
89. I do not have the authority to make or recommend changes to my pay.
90. I do not have the training to notice mistakes with my pay.
91. Franks red hot sauce should be used to improve the taste of the food onboard ship.
92. Franks red hot sauce should be used to improve the taste of the coffee onboard ship.
93. Driving past Victoria a hundred times in three days is completely rational.
94. 6 picnic tables for 200 sailors is a good idea.
95. Shaking people in the morning must involve actual shaking.
96. If you forget to flush the toilet people will assume that water restrictions are in effect and also stop flushing.
97. It is necessary to properly secure your hat when a Sea King is landing because a hat that has blown off can take a Sea King down
98. It is necessary to properly dispose of your cigarette butts when a Sea King is landing because they can take a Sea King down.
99. It is rude to make jokes about Sea Kings.
100. Sea King pilots have the best Sea King jokes.
101. The phrase "I've got a good master on top of me" is a compliment to your boss, not a reference to S&M.


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## SeaKingTacco (20 Oct 2011)

Every last one of these is true.


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## Danjanou (20 Oct 2011)

Excellent, just fwd this to my father who is retired RCN  8)


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## jollyjacktar (20 Oct 2011)

Danjanou said:
			
		

> Excellent, just fwd this to my father who is retired RCN  8)



I'm sure he'll agree with SeaKingTacco and any other old salt out there.  They are true and sure gave me a laugh today.  Hope he gets a laugh as well.   :cheers:


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## Ex-Dragoon (20 Oct 2011)

*snicker* Thanks for the laugh jolly


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## F3m5h3p (1 Feb 2012)

Thanks for the thread OP.


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## q_1966 (5 Feb 2012)

102. Your not truly in the navy until some has, or attempted to throw up on you, while helping them into their rack.


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## Springroll (5 Feb 2012)

Thats a good one, Get Nautical!!
Had that happen twice now... :nod:


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## Loachman (5 Feb 2012)

Did you get any on them?


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## Richard.Donafeld (9 Feb 2012)

This just made my day


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