# Things not to say in the CF...



## TN2IC (8 May 2008)

As the title says....


Sergeant Major: Schultz you got three extras for your behaviour.

Schultz: I say 2 extras plus a Timmes.. final offer.

Sergeant Major: 4 extras, no Timmies and that's an order.




*Lesson learn. Don't try to hagel (sp?) the Sergeant Major out of extras.*


Regards,
Duty NCO Schultz
On Guard...


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## rmc_wannabe (8 May 2008)

MCpl - Did oyu polish those boots today troop?
Pte - no MCpl
MCpl - WTF? why'd you tell me that? 2 extras
Pte - Yes MCpl
MCpl - Troop, you need to learn the difference between telling the truth and screwing yourself over


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## 1feral1 (8 May 2008)

How about ' Hey Sir'..

That will draw atention.


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## Sub_Guy (8 May 2008)

On parade practice for the peace keepers parade in Esquimalt, a certain CPO2 Bosn inspecting (he is now a CPO1)..  Stupid answers from stupid people.... Either that or they were just looking to push his buttons.

CPO2:  When was the last time you polished those boots
OS: Two weeks ago Chief!


Another guy
CPO2: Holy *#it, ARE YOU CHEWING GUM?
OS: Yes Chief, but its ok Chief!  Its Nicorette!
CPO2: Do you see me here smoking? What makes you think you can chew gum in my drill shed.

And another
CPO2: Did you iron your shirt?
OS: No Chief!


Needless to say it was an entertaining practice/inspection.


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## Harley Sailor (8 May 2008)

A number of years ago a CPO2 told my brother in Law to get a hair cut before coming back from lunch.  We had a beer and he forgot. When the CPO2 seen him after lunch he said "OS I thought I told you to get a hair cut." He looked right at the CPO2 and said "I did chief, it's in my locker. Should I have put it on."  The CPO2 lost it.


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## Rodahn (8 May 2008)

Many years ago on a GOC's parade examining one of our sappers rifle's (the FN at the time)

Gen: Spr Bloggins you have little green men in your rifle... What are you going to to about them?

Spr Bloggins: Little green men Attention. Move to the right in file, by the front quick march......

Needless to say Sapper Bloggins had an all expense paid trip to Edmonton.....


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## medicineman (8 May 2008)

Area CWO bellowed at me across the square in Victoria one evening - but, as he just yelled "Hey You", I carried on what I was doing.  2 minutes later, he came barrelling purple faced into the office I was working in.

A/CWO - "Don't you acknowledge someone when they yell "Hey You" across the square?"

Baby MM - "Sir, I have rank on my arms and a nametag on my chest, if you can't be bothered to use either, I have to assume you're not talking to me, so no."

I would have become a green creamsicle if my CSM hadn't heard what was going on and started playing duelling pacesticks.

MM


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## ENGINEERS WIFE (8 May 2008)

Addressing a WO..... hey, whoa, like when trying to stop a horse, not good  :-X :-\


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## fbr2o75 (8 May 2008)

RSM:   Pick a number between 13 and 15 MCPL

Me:     14 Sir

RSM:   Thats how many extras you have MCPL



RV        85


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## Kat Stevens (8 May 2008)

on basic- "That's not how we did it in cadets"
On TQ5A-  "That's not how we do it in the regiment"
in the regiment- "That's not what we were taught on TQ3"


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## HItorMiss (8 May 2008)

"Hey watch this!"

Said during a basic Demolitions course...


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## goodform (9 May 2008)

"No YOU are wrong Sgts Major!"

Self righteous subby to angered CSM...


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## joonrooj (9 May 2008)

Sergeant (on inspection): Why are you laughing? Do you think I am funny?
Stupid troopaloop: Yes Sergeant.


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## TN2IC (9 May 2008)

Parade Practice in Gagetown few years ago.




Right Marker (Cpl RCD) to the RSM (PPCLI) : "RSM, on me." *Gives the "On me/head tap" hand signal.


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## Gunner98 (9 May 2008)

WO (who stutters badly) to Gunner,"What did-ddiddn't you you under fkkkking stand? Did I stttttutterrrr?"
Gunner, "As a matter of fact, yes."
WO, "You seeeee thhhat handspikeeee Gunnerrrr, graaaab ittt and sttttarttt fkkkn'in runninnnng."


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## TN2IC (9 May 2008)

Marching up and down the parade square


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## Old Sweat (9 May 2008)

Self as officer cadet during lecture on 3.5-in rocket launcher. The instructor was quizzing the class on effective ranges and pointed at me and barked, "tanks." To which I answered, "you're welcome." 

The next little while was spent running around the block with my rifle held over my head, but even after almost six decades, it still was worth it.


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## Shamrock (9 May 2008)

Old Sweat said:
			
		

> The next little while was spent running around the block with my rifle held over my head, but even after almost six decades, it still was worth it.



I think you can stop running now.


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## Bane (9 May 2008)

If you are an Ocdt on course, never answer a query by a WO or above using only their last name.  
*Example:
WO - "Officer Cadet Smith!?"  (with great urgency)
Ocdt - "What would you like Jenkins?" (with nothing even remotely associated with a sense of urgency)


*Names have been changed to protect the guilty
I must admit this little gem slipped out by total accident as I was occupied when called, however, immediately afterwards a feeling of barely describable dread shook my being to it's core. Definitely a "Alright brain, what have you gotten us into this time brain?" type moment.


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## benny88 (9 May 2008)

Old Sweat said:
			
		

> Self as officer cadet during lecture on 3.5-in rocket launcher. The instructor was quizzing the class on effective ranges and pointed at me and barked, "tanks." To which I answered, "you're welcome."
> 
> The next little while was spent running around the block with my rifle held over my head, but even after almost six decades, it still was worth it.



 :rofl: That's pretty priceless.


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## The Bread Guy (9 May 2008)

Joonrooj said:
			
		

> Sergeant (on inspection): Why are you laughing? Do you think I am funny?
> Stupid troopaloop: Yes Sergeant.



Ah, the "no right answer" question.....

SGT:  (Insert complaint of choce here) - do you love me, private?

Iteration 1:
Recruit:  No, Sergeant!
Sgt:  After all the sweat and hard work I put into making you a soldier?  You ingrate - give me x pushups!

Iteration 2a:
Recruit:  Yes, Sergeant!
Sgt:  Well, you are shit outta luck, because I'm just not your type, private - give me y pushups!

Iteration 2b:
Recruit:  Yes, Sergeant!
Sgt:  Well, maybe this will distract you from your love affair - give me z pushups!

Iteration 2c involves homo-erotic references, so I won't go there in a public forum....


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## benny88 (9 May 2008)

milnewstbay said:
			
		

> Ah, the "no right answer" question.....
> 
> SGT:  (Insert complaint of choce here) - do you love me, private?
> 
> ...



How bout: "I love you as a Sergeant, Sergeant."?


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## George Wallace (9 May 2008)

Course Officer teaching one of the Lectures on ERYX AT Missile.

During "Questions to Class" no one answers.

Offr:  " Come on.  This isn't Rocket Science."

Cpl:  "As a matter of fact, Sir; it is."

Officer pauses.  Thinks.  Sends howling students out for a smoke and then leaves classroom, not to return.


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## Redeye (9 May 2008)

My personal favourite - during questions from the class in any lecture, in particular the one that sticks in my head was a young artillery officer cadet during a lecture on Laws of Armed Conflict, which may have been taught by Mortar Guy (read: it was).

OCdt Dropshort: "Sir, I saw in a movie once where..."

I think that's about as far as he got.


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## doublearr (9 May 2008)

I've got an even better one than that.

1 Brigade was having their annual Brigade Comd inspection in Calagary in the 80's.  The Brigade Commander is inspecting the troops.  He stops in front of a young fit MCpl and asks "MCpl how much does that Carl Gustav that your carrying weigh?  The MCpl whio just returned from 3 yrs in 2 CDO says very casually "  Don't worry about how much it weighs Sir, you'll never have to carry one!!!!!"

Next thing heard was the CO of the 1st Bn "  RSM march this man to jail!!!!!!!!!"

Lesson:  Never be a smart a#@ on Pde.


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## rosco (9 May 2008)

During a St Jean drill class:

Master Cpl "Mr Bloggins... Do you want to practice all day?... Do you want to be here Mr Bloggins?" : :

Bloggins "No Master Cpl!?"

 :

NOTE TO ALL FUTURE RECRUITS: Beware of the double question!
Yes Bloggins was me :-\


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## George Wallace (9 May 2008)

4 CMBG GOC Inspection of 4 Svc BN in 1970s/1980s sometime.

General to Cpl standing in front of 5 Ton Pod:  "Gas! Gas! Gas!"

Crusty old Cpl:  "No Sir.  Diesel."


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## dapaterson (9 May 2008)

Leadership in a Diverse Army lesson.  A young MCpl asked the instructor this question:

"If the gay men are allowed to shower with me, why aren't I allowed to shower with the girls?"


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## chris the merc (9 May 2008)

"But, MCPL, the americans (or some other country) do it this way!"

If I get back in the military, I plan to say this.


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## gaspasser (9 May 2008)

George Wallace said:
			
		

> 4 CMBG GOC Inspection of 4 Svc BN in 1970s/1980s sometime.
> 
> General to Cpl standing in front of 5 Ton Pod:  "Gas! Gas! Gas!"
> 
> Crusty old Cpl:  "No Sir.  Diesel."


Eeew, now the keybourd has coffee all over it....that was Hi-larous...must've been an old Trucker... ;D

Come to think of it, I may know of some sm rt arse that said it!!  :warstory:


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## gaspasser (9 May 2008)

dapaterson said:
			
		

> Leadership in a Diverse Army lesson.  A young MCpl asked the instructor this question:
> 
> "If the gay men are allowed to shower with me, why aren't I allowed to shower with the girls?"


Aaah Briliant Smithers, completely baffle them with pure logic.!!


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## rmc_wannabe (9 May 2008)

My Firsst CO's parade at the unit

CO: where's your nametag Pte?
Me: Its on order Sir
CO: Whats taking it so long?
Me: I'm special Sir. (refferring to my last name, has more vowels than alphagetti)
Stunned CO&RSM : Yes, you are Pte.

 :-[ never heard the end of that one ....


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## Blindspot (9 May 2008)

Sergeant lecturing on the proper proceedure to secure condom looks around the classroom and picks up a metre stick.

Sgt.: Pretend this is to scale.
Recruit: 1 to 1000?


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## God56 (9 May 2008)

On my SQ course we were rucking with a few C6s and one of the other guys carrying a C6 started talking to the MCpl and this is how the conversation went 
Pte "MCpl I don't want to play army any more"
MCpl" What"
Pte "I wanna play pirates instead"


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## jollyjacktar (9 May 2008)

Sailor being chewed out by the Old Man after pulling some stunt.

Old Man -" Do you know how far you are from a fucking idiot!!?? "
Sailor looking at the desk top between them - " About 3 feet, Sir? "


A friend was in the British Army in the early 70's.  Exchange between the Instructor and classmate during Comms portion of Crewman Training.

Instr - " You look on your IR and see that you have T-72's to the front, left, right and rear of your Tank.  What do you do? "
Student - snatches the microphone and sends " Calling International Rescue! "  (Reference to the kids program Thunderbirds)

I was sick the day before Graduation from my QL5 and called in sick.  The Reg Chief ordered me into the Base Hospital for check up.  Result was two days sick leave granted by Base Surgeon.  I returned to the school and was waiting outside the Training Officer's office for the course report and certificate.  The Reg Chief passed by and glared at me and sneered " Nice to see you feeling better".  I coughed and replied " I'm not 100 % Chief, but thanks for the days off".


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## TN2IC (9 May 2008)

doublearr said:
			
		

> 1 Brigade was having their annual Brigade Comd inspection in Calagary in the 80's.  The Brigade Commander is inspecting the troops.  He stops in front of a young fit MCpl and asks "MCpl how much does that Carl Gustav that your carrying weigh?  The MCpl whio just returned from 3 yrs in 2 CDO says very casually "  Don't worry about how much it weighs Sir, you'll never have to carry one!!!!!"



Reminds me of one Pte(R) out in the field in Borden:


MCpl: Pte, do you know how much that C9 weighs?

Pte: It doesn't f****** matter how much it weighs, I'm going to hump it anyways.

 :rofl:


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## Rodahn (9 May 2008)

George Wallace said:
			
		

> 4 CMBG GOC Inspection of 4 Svc BN in 1970s/1980s sometime.
> 
> General to Cpl standing in front of 5 Ton Pod:  "Gas! Gas! Gas!"
> 
> Crusty old Cpl:  "No Sir.  Diesel."



Crap I remember the incident... Thanks for the emories George....  :rofl:


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## combatbuddha (10 May 2008)

CFB Kingston CFSCE MCNaughton Parade Square Circa Spring 1990- Delta Sqn Parade Practice

SSM "Rambo" (Can't remember last name) stops the practice to correct an individual and says, while pointing the ol' mighty pace stick at the individual, "Private there's a piece of shit at the end of this pace stick!"
Private says, "Sir, Not at my end!" with great gusto. 
Not missing a beat the SSM says, "drop and start pumping" and the private starts doing what is sure to be many push ups. 
A Platoon Warrant says, "Sir! he should start over! I can't hear him counting!" 
Rambo once again replies," Good idea Warrant, get down beside him and count along! Parade Dismissed!"
Upon leaving the square Rambo says aloud, " I hate baglickers!"


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## Gunner98 (10 May 2008)

BOTC II parade at CMR, two gents appeared side by side with name tags on their DEU with the name 'Wong'.  One gent was Asian, the other obviously not.  When the Reviewing Party stopped to chat with Mutt and Jeff, one of SMs commented on the oddity that they both had the same last name.  The non-Asian fellow said, "Oh my God, I must have put on the 'Wong' name tag." The Reviewing Party continued on its way without another word as the OCdts nearby (of which I was one) broke into snickers and guffaws.  The wise guy paid for the remark dearly later in the day.


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## medaid (10 May 2008)

"The Wing name tag!" Oh... That is classic! I MUST use that next time! Consider it stolen!


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## Kat Stevens (10 May 2008)

Another name tag story:  4CER DEU parade, a certain Cpl breaks his name tag 10 mins before form up.  D**** Snow lends Cpl a name tag.  Cpl, thinking quick, decides two Snows in the same troop is a bit fishy.  Genius idea, put it on upside down!  So now we have a MCpl Snow, and a Cpl Mons standing next to each other.  Thank Jeebus the OC and CO were both new to the unit, as Cpl "Mons" was, ummmm, well known to the authorities.  As it was the reviewing party stopped and gabbed with, then took three trips past the Cpl, as an upside down W and a right side up M don't look anything alike.  Still didn't tumble to it.  "Good turnout, Cpl Mons". The whole Sqn upper Ech was cracking up by the end of the parade.  Cpl escaped a buttload of duties, too.


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## Lumber (10 May 2008)

BOTP
Capt: "Whose got a joke for me?"
-OCdt (Marksman) puts his hand up.
Capt: "If you ask me 'what's red and looks like a bucket', I swear to god...."
-OCdt (Marksman) pauses and thinks, then says: "What's red and looks like a bucket?"
Capt: "...."
-OCdt (Marksman): "A blue pale painted red, Sir!"
Captain points at the floor, OCdt Marksman proceeds to do push-ups.


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## PMedMoe (10 May 2008)

Another name tag one.

During PLQ, when we were getting tired of the endless inspections, a few people in our section decided to switch name tags, just for fun.  Of course, we got in trouble.
While we were signing our red chit forms, the MBdr says "You know, you may have lost out on the chance to be top student because of this."
The MS replies "I didn't even know I was in the running."
That MS got the top student on the course.


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## time expired (10 May 2008)

Pay parade in newly formed 4 Svc.Bn.,Cpl. McKenna,CSMs assistant,
ex QORofC, permanent Cpl.Cpl.McKenna is wearing running shoes
as he is excused boots because of medical problem.Coming to the
head of the line the paymaster enquires,"do you always get payed
in running shoes Cpl.Mckenna"?,without hesitation and with a perfectly
straight face Cpl. Mckenna replies," no sir usually Deutschmarks ".
True story,I was also there I was also present at the abovementioned
gas gas gas story,Happy days.
                                        Regards


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## HItorMiss (10 May 2008)

During a Bn Parade for the awarding inter coy sports trophies, one Coy had won 3 out of 4 championships those 3 teams all had the same OPI. On Cpl X's third trip up to receive a trophy

CO: Well Cpl X is there anything you don't do?

Cpl X: Well sir I don't do A**L.....


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## PuckChaser (10 May 2008)

BulletMagnet said:
			
		

> Cpl X: Well sir I don't do A**L.....



That made my morning.  ;D


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## Gunner98 (10 May 2008)

Junior Officer initiation in Germany always included all senior pers changing ranks and name tags with lower ranks.  On one particular occasion the CO (LCol) and Ops O (Capt) traded places for the day.  New Subbies are marched into the CO's office by Sr Subbie (me) and the 'CO' proceeds to tear strip off them and pontificate about the lower standards at the Arty School in Gagetown.  New subbies are marched out into the Stand Easy where everyone questions them on their first chat with the Old Man.  They say what a jerk he seems to be and then one pipes up that it must be some kind of joke because the CO's family pictures included one of black woman he referred to as his wife and she looked like a stripper.  The 'Ops O' pipes up and says fun's over - that's my office, my wife, she is and she was. 


I was at a Meet and Greet BBQ at DCO's house with all officers and their ladies.  I was a new Subbie and  I was chatting with a Battery Commander (BC).  I commented on one particular older looking lady and said, "who brought their mother."  The BC did not skip a beat and says she with me, have you met my wife. It really was! :-[


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## aesop081 (10 May 2008)

My JNCO course in Wainwright :

We were getting fucked around by the staff because we were sleeping on top of our beds instead of in them. They made us get into the sheets and were making us do drill in bed.

Cpl H : "Mcpl somethings on my mind "
Mcpl :" "What is it H ?
Cpl H : "I had a dream about you last night"
Mcpl : " What was it about ?"
Cpl H : "I had a dream that i had a moustache just like yours"   ( the MCpl had a handlebar moustacje)
MCpl : "is that so ?"
Cpl : " In my dream i could get over 300 chanels with that thing"


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## medicineman (10 May 2008)

Thinking of nametags, when I was on SLT in St Jean, one of my teachers kept screwin up my name and one of the girls in the class, somethinge about both starting with "K".  So one day we switched nametags, and oddly enough, she snapped, since it seems she'd been working on getting them right, did, then noticed that according to the tags, she'd screwed up - ended up with a half hour break while she regained her composure...

MM


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## CrazyCanuck (11 May 2008)

"I'm going to sue the Army! They can't do this too me!" One disgruntled Pte upon being told to carry a bunch of metal poles down a hill on SQ.


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## TN2IC (12 May 2008)

medicineman said:
			
		

> Thinking of nametags, when I was on SLT in St Jean, one of my teachers kept screwin up my name and one of the girls in the class, somethinge about both starting with "K".  So one day we switched nametags, and oddly enough, she snapped, since it seems she'd been working on getting them right, did, then noticed that according to the tags, she'd screwed up - ended up with a half hour break while she regained her composure...
> 
> MM





I think CP Gear should have a lend program when a unit can order (x) amount of Bloggins nametags just for parade use only. I think Mark at CP Gear needs to know this. It shuld be known as the "Bloggins Program". You just need a deposit first. And it's all set.  ;D


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## Shec (12 May 2008)

The date:  1974
The place:  Wainwright
My question of our course Sgt.:  Where I could cast my vote in the upcoming Federal election?
The reply:   " Vote?  What are you, some kind of a Bolshevik ? "


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## Sigger (12 May 2008)

Shec said:
			
		

> The reply:   " Vote?  What are you, some kind of a Bolshevik ? "



 WIKI Bolshevik


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## chris the merc (12 May 2008)

Boater said:
			
		

> "I'm going to sue the Army! They can't do this too me!" One disgruntled Pte upon being told to carry a bunch of metal poles down a hill on SQ.



Next stop, db....


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## davidk (12 May 2008)

Shec said:
			
		

> The date:  1974
> The place:  Wainwright
> My question of our course Sgt.:  Where I could cast my vote in the upcoming Federal election?
> The reply:   " Vote?  What are you, some kind of a Bolshevik ? "



I'm guessing you meant to call him a bourgeois pig instead.


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## HommicideHarold (14 May 2008)

...working in a CFRC... (with little to no military training... pre BMOQ...) 
Airforce Captain: "Oh, officer cadet... we ought to get you some shoe polish... as so you can spit polish your boots..."
    *Infantry OCdt:* "Polish, ma'am? ...? ...I thought you all just 'amway-ed' your boots..." [While being serious].
Airforce Captain: "...'amway'...???"
    *Infantry OCdt:* "...Spray polish...? ...Ma'am??" [Making a shaking motion].
Airforce Captain: "...Oh God! NO!! ... We thought you used to be in cadets...?!! ...spray polish??!!!!"
   * Infantry OCdt:* "...I'm kidding ma'am."
Airforce Captain: "Oh, ok. Good. ...No, but I'll show you how to really do your boots."
[Taking the time to think... I failed to see how a airforce logistics captain could show me anything about poishing boots of anykind... regardless of experience]
    *Infantry OCdt*: "...how to REALLY-do-my boots..??"
Airforce Captain: "...yeah... there's a ... trick... to it... ... ... it's called burning your boots..."
    *Infantry OCdt:* "... ... ... burning your boots ma'am...?" [Knowing full well what the is]
Airforce Captain: "...yes. It makes them shiny without polishing them..."
    *Infantry OCdt:* "...Well, ma'am... I'm not so sure your SUEDO-airforce-witchcraft will work on these infantry boots..."

-FYI- don't say anything close to this, to anyone who outranks you.
...especially if you're an OCdt.


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## medaid (14 May 2008)

Ah... And it took you that experience to figure it out AND you were in cadrts?! :


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## Gunner98 (14 May 2008)

"With all due respect"  and anything that follows

"No offense taken" - Any offense will be taken and seriously.

"Let's just pretend we don't wear different ranks."  This will normally lead to "let's take our ranks off and step oustide."


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## mysteriousmind (14 May 2008)

Mcpl talking to me during basic: "Dammit Private bloggin, what have you done to your boots??? they look like a piece of shit"
Me answering: Its because I did not do them Mcpl.

Trust me never answer that to your 2ic's section during morning inspection


Or, during same BMQ *but not me*

A 17 years old kid on the course is having a hyperventilation attack (the third one in 2 days) the morning before the CSM's inspection, Mcpl is talking some sense into the kid on a...somewhat loud and hard way.

Private besides me... "Mcpl, it is not a good idea to talk to him that way, we just finished our first-aid course and they told us no to stress out even more people in his situation" 

God I never saw a Mcpl coming so fast across the barrack


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## medicineman (15 May 2008)

I may have said this before.  If I have, sorry.  Dude is on pre-training Sgt inspection in Cornwallis and something (as they invariably are) was amiss.  

"Pte So and So - why is this locker a mess?"

"No excuse Sgt!"

"No excuse is not an excuse - start pumping until you think of one!!"

"5 Sgt, 6 Sgt..." 

"Hav e you thought of an excuse yet?"

"No Sgt!!"

"25 Sgt, 26 Sgt..."

"Still nothing?"

"No Sgt!"

"MCpl, take over until he does!"

"85 Mcpl, 86 MCpl..."

"So and So, I would have f*&#$*g thought of something after assuming the position - WTF didn't you just say I f*%#ed up?"

"I dunno..."

I think he made it to 90.

MM


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## Captain Coffee (15 May 2008)

Frostnipped Elf said:
			
		

> BOTC II parade at CMR, two gents appeared side by side with name tags on their DEU with the name 'Wong'.  One gent was Asian, the other obviously not.  When the Reviewing Party stopped to chat with Mutt and Jeff, one of SMs commented on the oddity that they both had the same last name.  The non-Asian fellow said, "Oh my God, I must have put on the 'Wong' name tag." The Reviewing Party continued on its way without another word as the OCdts nearby (of which I was one) broke into snickers and guffaws.  The wise guy paid for the remark dearly later in the day.



There's a joke in there....something about two Wongs don't make a right....


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## Captain Coffee (15 May 2008)

Here's one from a BMQ at St-Jean.

A Sgt was doing a morning inspection of a French platoon, I'll give you the translated version.  

On of the first recruits to be inspectede (we'll call him Pte Smith) whose kit was really good and the insepction was going well.

Sgt: Good job on your boots, Pte Smith

Pte Smith: Thank you Sgt!

Sgt: Don't thank me, it was you who did it.

The Pte Smith pauses and cracks a lob-sided grin

Pte Smith: Thank you Pte Smith, Sgt!

He spent the remainder of the inspection walking around the entire floor and his hands and feet, in the words of the Sgt, "like a cockroach."


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## Harris (15 May 2008)

I was assisting officer for a Cpl who stated to his course staff he was "On strike" because he didn't get paid.


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## GUNS (15 May 2008)

1968 either Shilo or Petawawa on Election Day.

We were paraded to Drill Hall to vote.

First time voting, far from home and never had a clue as to who to vote for.

While in line, I told the Sgt." I don't know what party to vote for"

He turned to me and said," Who signs your pay cheque?"

I voted appropriately.


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## George Wallace (15 May 2008)

GUNS said:
			
		

> 1968 either Shilo or Petawawa on Election Day.
> 
> We were paraded to Drill Hall to vote.
> 
> ...



Now that explains a lot.


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## OldSolduer (15 May 2008)

:warstory:Many years ago, an individual was charged and paraded in front of the OC. The accused, being of limited education, was asked if he would like the witnesses against him to testify under oath.
His reply - "Oh no sir, I'm going to tell you the truth!"


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## The Bread Guy (15 May 2008)

mysteriousmind said:
			
		

> Mcpl talking to me during basic: "Dammit Private bloggin, what have you done to your boots??? they look like a piece of shit"
> Me answering: Its because I did not do them Mcpl.
> 
> Trust me never answer that to your 2ic's section during morning inspection



Variation on that theme (this happened to me, but not on the receiving end)....

MCPL:  "That shirt looks like you slept in it!  Do you know how to iron a shirt properly?"
Recruit:  "No, MCPL"
MCPL:  "Did you think to ask anyone how?"
Recruit:  "No, MCPL - my grandmother irons my shirts."

Needless to say, it was not gramma who was doing push-ups at that point (with a reminder to said recruit that life would be more just if he carried out his own sentence for his own crimes and misdemeanors, or words to that effect, anyway).


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## gaspasser (15 May 2008)

Back in 2006, I had booked my eldest son on a Herc from Trenton to Greenwood so he could see some old friends and visit grandparents for the summer.  We diligently got him to the AMU 2 hours prior to flight, after I announced our presence to the Pax clerk, I told my son that HE had to do HIS "clearance" into the AMU.
Pax clerk {after gettting all pertinant info} starts asking the baggage questions: "Is there any matches or lighters or other flammable items in your baggage?"
My son: " No Master Corporal."  {I taught this boy right  } 
Pax clerk:" Did you pack you luggage yourself?"
My son: " No, my mom did"   ROFL)   8)

After the poor guy picked himself up off the floor from laughing so hard, he informed us that that was the first time HE had ever heard that reply at a military pax terminal.
He then went on to ask the remainder of his questions, which my son diligently answered. 

 ;D


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## Harris (15 May 2008)

I was running an Inf QL2 crse in ALdershot and we were on our field Ex.  I see a soldier digging a trench and since it was a beautiful hot day I wondered why he was wearing his bush hat, combat scarf, combat shirt with sleeves down, every button done up.  I assumed he was being punished for something and I went over to ask what was going on and to tell him he could remove the necessary clothing to cool himself off (and to Jack up his Sect comd).  I asked him what was up and why all the clothes. He responded, "It's OK Sir, I'm allergic to dirt."  As the remainder of the Sect started to giggle around us, I was at a loss as to how to respond.
At the end of the day it was determined he was allergic to dirt and he was removed from the course as a Medical failure. Never to be seen again I'm told.
No word of a lie, the next Inf QL 2 course I ran had a soldier who was allergic to Sunlight. Same end result.

Edited to add:  I'm not sure it was actual dirt (crushed rock) but I believe more likely something contained within the dirt he was allergic to.


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## PMedMoe (15 May 2008)

Harris said:
			
		

> No word of a lie, the next Inf QL 2 course I ran had a soldier who was allergic to Sunlight. Same end result.



Actually, it does happen.  Allergy to the sun, not sure about the dirt, though.  I have a mild "reaction" consisting of tiny, raised blisters that are quite itchy.  Prevention - sunscreen.

InteliHealth


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## helpup (15 May 2008)

We were formed up for "Disbandment Parade" practice on the old Airborne Parade Square, the press were there since at the time this was big news.  formed up 2 CDO was on our right and noticed the photographers milling about trying to get a good spot for picts.  The RSM just finished up and we were at Stand Easy when out of the front ranks of 2 CDO comes;
"Hey You where did you get that"
Photographer looks at his camera and says;
" what this? "
2CDO in loudest voice in mass 
" No the face of a Monkeys A**!!!
the whole parade including after a long pause the camera guy busts a gut.


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## Zell_Dietrich (23 May 2008)

On a BMQ course,  my section had fire picket for the night.  The Cpl was explaining what to do and the such and then listed a long list of things we'd come wake up the staff for.  He then said "when doing your patrolls, stay away from where we are sleeping, you'll wake us up"

A pte in my section then jokingly said "Oh what are you guys doing with eachother in there".... (obvious implication of sexual nature)

The Sgt who was standing beside the Cpl was not impressed.   Now, I've been through allot in my life,  there were times I've reconciled myself that I was going to die - and painfully.  I've never had such an intense feeling dread as I experienced in that moment.


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## GUNS (23 May 2008)

Early 70's at an American base in Germany during Gun Camp.
After the ammo/charge bags were delivered we normally remove the shells from one pallet and notch out the underside of the pallet to make a cradle for the shell when it is placed inside the gun for firing.

A 5 ton came around to pick up the garbage before firing commenced. I helped with the loading of the garbage into the 5 ton. I mistakenly tossed the pallet we were going to use as a cradle for the shells into the back of the 5 ton. A certain Gunner with a wide grin on his face brought this to my attendion so I told the same Gunner to climb up and retrieve the pallet.

The Gunner said," *You tossed it in the back of the truck why should I have to get it*" I should add that Gunner Y was not to much taller that a Little Person.

I normally correct my own mishaps but Gunner Y made two mistakes. He seemed to cherish the fact that a Regular soldier made a mistake(Gunner Y was Reserve) and he never ended his comment with my  rank(Bdr.)

I looked down on Gunner Y from great heights( 6' 2" ) and asked him " _How many stripes do you have on your arm_" . " _None_" was his reply.
" _How many stripes do you see on my arm_" I asked. " _Two_" was his answer.

" _So get your G**damn ass up in the truck, Gunner_ "

From behind me I heard clapping, when I turned around to see who was doing the clapping. There was the RSM and BSM noticeably amused at my antics.

Two things came out of this incident, Gunner Y got a valueable lesson in rank structure and my annual PER gained some brownie points.
 :warstory:


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## toughenough (23 May 2008)

mysteriousmind said:
			
		

> Mcpl talking to me during basic: "Dammit Private bloggin, what have you done to your boots??? they look like a piece of crap"
> Me answering: Its because I did not do them Mcpl.
> 
> Trust me never answer that to your 2ic's section during morning inspection



I saw a similar experience on my DP1 Inf. course. When questioned about an imperfection in his kit during morning inspection (I believe it was an improperly folded towel), the response was "Oh, my bad, MCpl."

My 2iC was 6' or 6'1" that summer, but I'm pretty sure he elevated an additional two inches off of the floor before he returned fire on that numpty.


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## Shec (23 May 2008)

Not only say, but not do.  While on morning parade one crisp, clear, sunny, Calgary morning at Sarcee Barracks I committed the heinous crime of yawning.  I know I should have suppressed it but I figured that standing as I was in the middle of the rear rank maybe, just maybe...

Such was not the case as I heard our instructor Cpl. M. bark "  Shec------, shut your mouth before I stick my dirty **** in it.   That wouldn't taste very good would it ?"

I answered "No Corporal"

To which the response was "You oughta'  know"


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## Bzzliteyr (23 May 2008)

Man.. people in the office were giving me strange looks this morning.. I explained the thread I was reading and passed a couple of stories on... 

This should be mandatory reading for all new recruits.. sort of an "after action report" or "lessons learned" to build from.


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## OldSolduer (23 May 2008)

I have an observation to make:

I'm all for having fun in the Army, don't get me wrong. Our primary function is to defend Canada, by visiting death on our enemies through the application of controlled violence.

Basic and trades training is not an epsiode of The Simpsons, Family Guy, American Dad or Saturday Night Live, therefore there is no room for smart a$$ remarks from trainess such as "oh my bad MCpl". I hope the trainee got a good solid piece of "counselling" from the MCpl.

We had an RSM....who said our boots should shine like "an eagle's a$$ in a power dive". Another one said we were all hunched over "like hound dogs f&&kin footballs"


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## Trinity (23 May 2008)

OldSolduer said:
			
		

> Another one said we were all hunched over "like hound dogs f&&kin footballs"



Sounds like an old RCR CSM from Battleschool whose name I won't mention for PERSEC.


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## Sigger (23 May 2008)

OldSolduer said:
			
		

> Basic and trades training is not an epsiode of The Simpsons, Family Guy, American Dad or Saturday Night Live, therefore there is no room for smart a$$ remarks from trainess such as "oh my bad MCpl".



However true, all these "Smart a$$ remarks" do create a much better moral for the troops. But then again, I am from the 'new Army'. So, observe away.


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## joonrooj (23 May 2008)

OldSolduer said:
			
		

> We had an RSM....who said our boots should shine like "an eagle's a$$ in a power dive".


A MCpl who is very found of that saying (with a few differences) got quite 'unhappy' when I misquoted him as saying "shinier than a nickel in a seagull's a$$ doing a powerdive,"
Speaking of funny RSMs, on course we had one that would routinely pretend to be a cowboy, he'd wait until everyone was formed up waiting for the dismissal for a meal, stand in front of the course intimidating everyone with his HUGE RSM 'stache, get about 6" away from the most scared looking troop, then: "YEEEHAAAAA! Dismissed."


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## toughenough (23 May 2008)

OldSolduer said:
			
		

> Basic and trades training is not an epsiode of The Simpsons, Family Guy, American Dad or Saturday Night Live, therefore there is no room for smart a$$ remarks from trainess such as "oh my bad MCpl". I hope the trainee got a good solid piece of "counselling" from the MCpl.



These situations aren't a case of "hey guys, watch this". What makes it so funny is complete honesty and earnestness that it is said in...it reminds me of the time that I asked a waitress how big her breasts were (we were discussing my order of chicken), and it wasn't until after she started to demonstrate the size with her hands that we clued into the looks on the faces of those watching.

Rest assured, the recruit in question got hammered, and was thoroughly reminded that staff are not his friends.


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