# How do I let go?- Deployment Worries



## Shiraz (13 Oct 2008)

Last year I started dating a wonderful guy, obviously in the military and I love him very much.  He is about to be waiting to be deployed and has been told it is happening soon.  We had some long talks, and thought his time in Canada should be well spent with his daughter.  He is moving back to his old base in the meantime to spend time with her.  So I am losing him much sooner than I thought I would.

How do I separate the selfish side of myself that doesn't want him leave?  I respect him as a soldier and a father.  I suppose I'm just feeling sorry for myself.


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## TDeV (13 Oct 2008)

Being involved with a military person is a difficult thing; i've never been involved with somebody going overseas, nor have i been over, but i do currently have family in afghanistan and try to prepare my family for our day in future where i must step off.

my only advice is that you tell your loved one how you feel and understand that as a soldier they must go in the same way a fireman must respond to a fire.

holding on doesn't always mean the person you care about can sit in your living room, part of loving a soldier is dealing with the person you care about most being a half world away. its not easy but love can survive adversity.

best of luck 
TDeV


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## Shiraz (15 Oct 2008)

Thanks, I think I was just having a bad night last night.

I know what I have to do, but sometimes emotions bubble over into real life and we all can suffer that down fall.  I know who I love and what I have to do, I just must learn to being more open to change.

Either way unless either one of us gets time off, we are looking at a year or more to see each other again.  (I travel a lot as well)


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## Celticgirl (15 Oct 2008)

Shiraz said:
			
		

> Last year I started dating a wonderful guy, obviously in the military and I love him very much.  He is about to be waiting to be deployed and has been told it is happening soon.  We had some long talks, and thought his time in Canada should be well spent with his daughter.  He is moving back to his old base in the meantime to spend time with her.  So I am losing him much sooner than I thought I would.
> 
> How do I separate the selfish side of myself that doesn't want him leave?  I respect him as a soldier and a father.  I suppose I'm just feeling sorry for myself.



Hi Shiraz,

It's not an easy situation, that is for sure, but there are lots of women (and men) who have been there, done that. You have to remember that while it's tough on us girlfriends, wives, etc. that are left behind when they deploy, it's even harder on the kids. Your man is making a good decision by electing to spend time with his daughter right now. As much as it hurts, you know in your heart that it's the right decision, too. Hopefully, you will be able to visit him or have him visit you before the deployment and perhaps during his HLTA. If not, make good use of the phone and internet (msn or skype for video conferencing if you can) until you see him again.

One thing that helped me when my fiance deployed 2 years ago was sending care packages to him fairly regularly. In each package, I included a handwritten letter and I know that he appreciated that as much as the goodies in the packages. It was great for his morale over there and it gave me something productive to do with those 'missing him' emotions. Another thing we did was have a 'rule' (his idea, I think) that we would not argue over the phone or internet while he was away. The separation was hard enough, and being deployed is hard on those who go, so adding relationship issues to that creates more stress that they do not need (nor do we). I should tell you that while the time apart was not easy or fun, it did solidify the bond that we have and made us appreciate each other even more. 

Being involved with someone in the military is very challenging due to the long separations. Any military spouse will tell you that. It's not for everyone, but if you really love him, then it will be worth it to stay connected as much as you can when he is away and to cherish the times you have that you can be together. If you are a person who needs to be with someone all the time and feels insecure during separations, you may want to ask yourself if being with a military member is the right choice for you. Some people find out the hard way that it's not. However, if you decide that you can deal with these separations and can keep your union strong during rough times, then perhaps he is indeed the man for you and no amount of time or distance will change that.

Next year, I will be away from my fiance and my daughter for most of the year on phase training, as I am now joining the military, too. I'm not worried about my relationship surviving during that time because we've already proven that we can weather the difficulties of being apart. I am worried about my daughter, as your man is worried about his. If anything, the fact that he is with her now is a testament to your relationship and his belief in its longevity. If he were insecure about it, he may have been more hesitant to spend this time away from you. Some food for thought. 

Anyway, I hope that helps put things into perspective a bit. PM me anytime. Oh, and you may want to check out the Married to the Canadian Forces website, too. You'll find many women on that site who will understand exactly what you are dealing with and who can give you some moral support. 

Cheers,

CG.


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## emmiee (17 Oct 2008)

What CG has to offer if right on the money. 

I too am "attached" to a CF Military member who travels often and for long periods of time. To add to that, I moved back to the United States, after long discussions, due to his schedule.

That being said, we have still been able to maintain a strong relationship based on what CG has already discussed.

One other piece of advice I can offer is to still make your partner a part of the process. Just because I make most of decisions for us now, doesn't mean I leave him out of the process. When I need to take care of something I take care of it, however, I let him know what I did on his behalf. If a problem arises, if I can, I ask him how he would like it handled. If possible I follow his direction, if not, he knows I tried and accepts whatever comes about.

Great post CG!

Emmie


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## Shiraz (19 Oct 2008)

Thanks for all the great advice, and thoughts.  I do really appreciate it.


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