# CF's effects on Marriage and Family



## AverageMike (3 Nov 2014)

I would like to join the CF, but am Married and have a child, I'm not afraid of commiting the time I owe but I would like to know what effects the CF has had on families. I have heard a lot of stories that I shouldn't join because you spend very little time with your family and that many wives tend to become unhappy and leave. And the ones who last usually have a don't ask don't tell policy for the couple while on deployments or exercises.

I would like to join as a purple trade, but wouldn't want my marriage to fall apart.

So I was hoping some of the members here could share any experiences they have had or know of and perhaps share some information of how much time you annually or monthly spend away from home so we cpuld have a realistic view on the demands of the CF and decide if its right for us.

Thanks for your time


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## mariomike (3 Nov 2014)

AverageMike said:
			
		

> I would like to join the CF, but am Married and have a child, I'm not afraid of commiting the time I owe but I would like to know what effects the CF has had on families.



This may help.

How to get family on board  
https://army.ca/forums/threads/13678.0/nowap.html

How do the families cope during a tour? Tips and pointers for first timers.
https://army.ca/forums/threads/33246.0;nowap

Info for Families 
http://www.forces.ca/en/page/forfamilies-151


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## AverageMike (3 Nov 2014)

Great reply, thanks.


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## Loachman (3 Nov 2014)

If she switches to Tide from another laundry detergent, be very, very suspicious.


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## PPCLI Guy (3 Nov 2014)

AverageMike said:
			
		

> the ones who last usually have a don't ask don't tell policy for the couple while on deployments or exercises.



That has nothing to do with the military, and everything to do with the specifics of the relationship.


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## rmc_wannabe (3 Nov 2014)

PPCLI Guy said:
			
		

> That has nothing to do with the military, and everything to do with the specifics of the relationship.



 :goodpost:

Like I was told by my RSM before wife and I tied the knot:

The Army won't weaken a strong marriage, nor will it strengthen a weak one.


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## mrjasonc (6 Nov 2014)

Personally speaking I would find this more and "relationship" issue then a CAF issue. I being a CF member and a husband and father.

Before your application I would ensure you have a nice long talk with your spouse. Lay it all out on the table that this is something you want to do and your reasons. You will see how quickly you can determine if there is support for the idea or not.

The effects are: time away from home thus making "your home" your spouse castle. Your spouse becomes boss at home as you are gone away on exercise, training and deployments.

Your children: you will have to move (and not move) as the CAF deems fit and necessary. The means you may have to move home time to time thus changing their environment. This can be both positive and negative for your children given their age ranges. 

The above mentioned "effects" will result in how strong or weak your relationship with your spouse is. If he/she is supportive and understanding about your career choice then things will flow smoothly. Not as such for the visa versa.

This is just my experience thus far and I am lucky to have a supportive spouse in this lifestyle.

Good luck in your decision!


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## Spooks (12 Mar 2015)

As has been stated, this is more of a relationship issue, but I will spout my 2 rubles.

Your question alone has many variables and 99% of them all revolve in how your relationship is with your family. I can/will share a few examples of myself and friends of mine.

-A friend of mine did his initial training. This lasted just over a year when you combine all the training and PAT time. As time went on, he grew more distant with his family and gave the standard "oh, same ol', same ol'" answer. This distancing also caused him to find comfort and solace in the company of his coursemates who were 10 years his junior. His wife noted to me that before the military he didn't go out 'drinking with the boys' and was generally a well rounded family man. She was also under stress due to the fact they had a brand new child (their first) who had been around his daddy for maybe 2mon in total of the first year of his life due to this training.

How I weighed in to her on this was that she needed to communicate with him her worries and concerns. Men are not mind readers and even less-so when only corrisponding over the telephone. She did this and they worked through a really tough part of their marriage - for the military person, it's how do I stay connected to my family when away and how do I stay a part of their lives while I'm gone? They both had to compromise and worked through the issue together. Since finishing his training, he is involved in his family affairs and a pretty darn good father and husband. What I can convey to you is that the initial training will likely be the biggest stress for your family aside from deployment. Your whole career will not be like it is in training.

-I met my wife and we were together for 3yrs before getting married. In that time, the longest I was away was 2-3wks at a time and that was maybe twice a year (if that). We were married and she became pregnant. As fate would have it, my job went crazy. Here is a breakdown of the last year:
2.5mon on course
2mon on exercise
2.5mon on another course
1mon teaching
1.5mon on exercise
0.5mon on extending training days where I would leave for 5am and back for 10pm
That's 10 of the last 13 months I have had minimal interaction with my family (weekends I had except for exercise tasks). I felt immensely guilty for not being there and had to ask my wife her feelings on it. She understood why I was gone but reassured me that although it may not be preferable, it would not last forever. As has been stated by mrjasonc, I have allowed her to do as she pleases in the house and run it the way that works for her. I still feel I matter in the relationship b/c we discuss any major purchases or changes. rmc_wannabe stated that the army won't weaken a strong marriage, nor strengthen a weak one. I am thankful the say I have the former for sure.

To be fair, I should put a negative point. However, I cannot do that. Yes, the military lifestyle can be a big stress on the family, but from my experience, it's not what breaks one if that's what you are concerned about. In the end, it all came down to how the marriage was. Yes, you likely have heard about a wife's infidelity while her husband is deployed or about kids growing up to be brats due to having no father figure due to the army, but those things happen in any job and in any walk of life. I used to date a very co-dependant person who I thankfully did not marry b/c she wouldn't have been able to handle the time apart. My question to you is how is your wife? Is she strong and independant? How are your kids? Take all that information and apply it to any job where you can be gone a lot or are in a dangerous profession; policeman, firefighter, Alaskan King Crab fisherman. I am very proud of my wife and all she has accomplished, essentially, by herself. She knows I love her and that we are a team. My kids are great. They support each other and are a little team unto themselves. They can readily adapt to changing situations and people (mind you, they both are young still). I, however, am not in a purple trade. I hear that the chance to be posted anywhere or across the country is higher (though, with fiscal restraints, that is much less often that I may be alluding to).

You will have to sit and talk to your wife. If you can, as a couple, talk to other couples who have either one or both halves in the military. Always remember that it's not the CAF that will make or break your marriage, it's the people in it. The CAF will just provide opportunities to test the foundation of your marriage.


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## krimynal (12 Mar 2015)

I have a in-law which spent 13 years in the military in the Infantry , did 2 combat tours , multiple different classes ( jungle warfare , winter warfare , etc. etc. ) and he stopped counting the months he was away on exercise.  

in 13 years , he was there 2 times on his wife Birthday , 3 times for Christmas , and 2 times for his own birthday.  Is it easy ? no ... Was it worth it ? depending on everyone this answer may differ.  

Yes it was hard for the family , he now had children to take care of.  

They both needed to speak a lot and help each other out while he was in the army.  His wife became the queen of the house.  When he was there , he would help as much as he could , but he would follow her instructions.  She was the one in charge in the house , simply because she didn't want to "screw up the routine" when he was leaving.  So yeah he needed to addapt to her routine everytime he cameback but they both helped each other out while doing it. 

They would both talk about every situation to make sure both parties understood what was going on.  Don't try to hide anything from eachother , be open about what's going on.  

Both have to put in effort and understanding in the relationship.  Trust is also a major factor in most breakups .... But it is doable , it's not easy but it is definitely doable !


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