# What can I do to make it a happy 3 weeks



## tourwife (20 Nov 2005)

Ok so I've been through this 3 times before but honestly haven't put that much thought into it before, however I've been hearing from a lot of wives lately that their time with their husbands on HLTA have been horrible due to constant arguing and such.  My husband and I have had our share of problems in the past, but this time I just want it to be as comfortable and easy going as possible.  

So from those that have been on tour before, or anyone else, what can I do to make his homecoming comfortable and enjoyable for the both us, and for the kids?


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## Kat Stevens (20 Nov 2005)

The thing that drove me absolutely insane:  Came home to a hay meadow of a yard, raccoon nest of a vehicle (knee deep in McDonald's wrappers.  Also got, second night home "I've been stuck with these kids for 3 months, you're on duty", and she took off for 16 hours.  Then set a punishing schedule of things for US to do on MY leave.  I was never so glad to go back to a craphole and get some rest.


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## aesop081 (20 Nov 2005)

....And on his first morning at home...he decides to have a beer at 930 am, just remember , he's probably been on "2 beers per man per day but only after 1800" for a while.

My answer to her uninformed querry was  " because i can" 

...then i got the death look   :


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## George Wallace (20 Nov 2005)

Kat's is an example of what not to do.

You have three weeks to become 'reaquainted'.  If you have no kids, go on a 'vacation' even if it is only a hotel in the next town.  If you have kids, plan a 'Fun' outing or two, where you can have some time alone as the kids tear up Disneyland or something like that.  Actually, I should just stop and stick with "Kat's is an example of what not to do."


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## Armymedic (20 Nov 2005)

tourwife said:
			
		

> Ok so I've been through this 3 times before but honestly haven't put that much thought into it before,


Then don't, unless the previous three time have been absolutely horrible. You've done it more then most of the wives and members on this board. 

Ma'am (and I use this with respect), 
there is not much I can tell you.

For others who may read this. Remember he (I will use the male because it is more common and as I am male, I am speaking from that point of view) is coming home to get away from whatever it is he is doing over there. First don't make him wish he was still there by deluging him with problems. Do not plan to leave him alone with the kids, unless he asks you to. If there are several tasks for him to do around the house, then make him a list and ask him if he wants to get them done. Then as he does them, help him if you can.

Also he may be jetlagged and waking up and doing thing at weird hours, as well as doing things differently. You will be too, if he questions you about why you are doing something different now then before, be patient and explain this is the way you just started doing it.

Everything is about communication. The first week to 10 days will be like a honeymoon. Please don't expect too much. Make you plans simple. He will just want to be with you.


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## armyvern (20 Nov 2005)

tourwife said:
			
		

> Ok so I've been through this 3 times before but honestly haven't put that much thought into it before, however I've been hearing from a lot of wives lately that their time with their husbands on HLTA have been horrible due to constant arguing and such.   My husband and I have had our share of problems in the past, but this time I just want it to be as comfortable and easy going as possible.
> 
> So from those that have been on tour before, or anyone else, what can I do to make his homecoming comfortable and enjoyable for the both us, and for the kids?


Stress and arguing in the home seems to be the norm during HLTAs whether it's a female coming home or a male. Typically the person coming back on HLTA requires down-time to de-compress from the rigours of theatre. I have never felt comfortable at home on HLTA due to feeling guilty about leaving my team-mates in-theatre to deal with everything while I took 'a break.' I have found that most of my co-workers felt the same. I absolutely hate it when 9er had my whole 'vacation' mapped out for me rather than just let me kick back and relax. Being military also, he didn't say the kids were mine for my 'vacation' as he knew damn well that I had probably been working harder than he had while I was deployed and understood this. I'm not saying that being at home alone with the kids in itself isn't stressful or hard, it is, I've been there as well. Just don't let the home go to rat-crap as that will stress the returning partner out even more. Although many of my subordinates reported the same kind of 'spouse dumped the kids on me for her 'break' occurances when they came back into theatre...which did nothing to make the situation any better.
I recommend getting a sitter for the kids for a few days so mom/dad can attend to each other first if in fact one is returning home on HLTA. Then bring the kids into the picture. 
I myself, and my spouse, no longer return home for HLTAs, and choose to spend the full 6/7 months apart. We do this because we have found that it is less stressful on the kids, and thereby makes it easier on the parent who is home dealing with the schooling, car, and house etc. My kids tend to go into a seperation aniexty kick for the first week or so after either I or my husband departs on tour. When we returned home on leave, the kids had to go through it all over again when one of us returned to theatre, only worse this time because they understood that the tour was only half done and realized just how long 6/7 months could be.
Now, because we go off on our leave to someplace nice with the single folk/others like us, our kids need to adjust once to us leaving, and we get to kick back and relax fully on our time-out from theatre. We find that works best for our family at least.
Expect arguments upon the final return home as well. Re-adjustment is required and is the norm. I find the kids are used to his rules, which usually become more stringent when there is only one parent at home. I think his rules have become too stringent etc, and tend to spoil them/let them get away with almost anything etc for the first little while because 1) I missed them and 2) I don't want to hear him telling them what to do...I just want to kick back and relax. Same thing but opposite when he returns. 
I think you'll be fine (and most usually are) as long as you keep the lines of communication open, and don't book his schedule for him. Let him adjust at his pace back into the daily life & routine.


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