# The truth comes out - advice?



## jzaidi1 (1 May 2008)

Well,

Please bear with me, this is a lengthy message but I need your input.  For those of you who don't know - I've been active on this site for about 8 months.  There are some great folks on here.  Anyway I've 'always' wanted to be a CF pilot but couldn't because of glasses + lack of degree.  When I heard that the CF will now be accepting candidates with laser eye surgery that just really opened me up full steam ahead.  It's feels like I've been given an opportunity to pursue my dreams now, albeit a narrow window.  I've wanted to be a CF Pilot since age 11 (I'm 33 now) and joined the Air cadets for 6 years just out of pure interest in CF aircrafts.  I've spoken to the CFRC and I'll have to go the CEOTP or DEO route most likely.  It may take a couple of years to get in but I believe if I continue with school part-time, get in better shape and pass the CFAT/ACS I could prove myself worthy.

The problem is my wife of 1.5 years (been together for 4 yrs) always thought it "cute" that I wanted to be a CF Pilot but last night I REALLY told her that I wanted to go for it.  This would mean sacrificing my career, our home, and our lifestyle.  I think for the first time she really understands just how bad I need this - it's become REAL to her.  Her dream was to become an Optometrist (which she is now), married and with children (yet to happen).  My desires now completely fly in the face of everything we have built thus far, and basically she gave me an ultimatum.  Choose her, or the CF, but I wouldn't be able to have both(she can't handle the lifestyle, TO is her home).  

So I am in a conundrum.  I can continue with my decent salary, good job, and great friends nearby, and always be slightly miserable for not living my dreams OR choose the life of a CF Officer, leave my career I spent 12 years building, and ultimately lose my wife BUT potentially fulfill my dreams of serving my country as a highly skilled Pilot.  

Now I love my wife like there is no tomorrow and believe she is my life partner.  I know most people would say that if she truly wants to be with me she would accept my decision, but I've also taken 4 years of her life away from her.  We married, we have bought a house together and started planning a family - it's not fair to her either, and I understand her point of view.  I'd be thrown back if I were in her spot and she wanted to join the CF "out of the blue" after planning our lives together.

This by far is the toughest life decision I've been faced with, ever.  Do I take the Blue Pill or Red Pill?  There is no point in haphazardly going through the process - If I start this then it'll be a signal to her that it's the beginning of the end of us.  I'd like to hear some input or perhaps have someone much wiser than myself offer up their own experiences.

Thanks for your time...
J


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## kincanucks (1 May 2008)

We all make sacrifices in our life, God knows my wife has for the last 28 years but so have I by giving up on good for career postings so she can go to university.  It is a world of give and take.  I really hate the ultimatum 'me or something else' crap.  Actually pretty selfish on her part.  However, nobody on here can give you the advice you need as this is something you must work out between your wife and yourself.  I will say be thankful she is not pulling this crap when you have been married for twenty plus years.  Personally, I would sit down with her and perhaps discuss your and hers priorities in life and determine if this is going to be her stance throughout your relationship.  After that you can decide if you want to follow your dream or live in hers.  Good Luck.


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## WannaBeFlyer (1 May 2008)

I just wanted to say good luck with your decision. I drove my wife nuts with a similar conversation several years ago. I kept asking her if she would be ok with me being away for extended periods of time and I worried that she would want a divorce. Eventually, she ended up saying, "If you don't apply, I will divorce you. I hate it when you are miserable." It's a tough spot because it is hard on the marriage and you don't even know if you are going to receive an offer. Again best wishes and good luck with your application should you decide to proceed.


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## Springroll (1 May 2008)

I wish you the best of luck in your decision, fireball, but nobody can really give you any advice on it. 
We can tell you to follow your dreams or not too, but in the end, the decision is yours alone to make. 

My ex husband and I had discussed and agreed on me joining since it was something I had wanted to do for 10 years. We had everything planned out to the "tee". Care for the kids, my training, what coast to live on etc and eight months later he told me he wanted a divorce while I was on the other side of the country. 

No amount of discussion and such can prepare someone to be a CF spouse. It is a tough job and takes a tough person to take on such a job. Even some of  those that are service couples can't make it work. Keep in midn that there are even more that do make it work every day.

i wish you the best of luck!


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## PMedMoe (1 May 2008)

What would she do if you got transferred away from TO in your civilian job?

As an optometrist, she would (or should) have no problems getting a job where ever you may go.

I think with a lot of people, it's a "fear of the unknown" kind of situation.  They say they can't handle or don't like the lifestyle when they either don't know what it's like or don't understand it.

I wish you luck but as everyone else is saying, ultimately, the decision is yours and yours alone.  All the advice in the world is not going to change your mind or hers.


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## Bograt (1 May 2008)

Give her some time to come to grips with your desires. It is unreasonable to expect that she would immediately accept this change of lifestyle and the uncertainty that comes without some hesitation. 

I essentially did the same as you 4 years ago. It took a number of bottles of wine and a lot of yelling, whispering, silence and ultimately understanding before we both agreed that joining was the best choice for me and our family. 

Let me present a couple of truths to you.

1. The road to wings is long, uncertain and not guaranteed. A friend of mine washed off phase three 2 days ago. Another colleague washed off phase III two weeks ago. Of the 20 wanna be pilots that I went to BOTP with, only 10 remain- 2 just received their wings last week.

2. I've been to a funeral and have watched the missing man formation-and to the mess two times for a post ejection drink with friends.

3. My wife had our second baby while I was away. I have missed my son's birth, first and second birthdays because of courses.

4.I have been away from home for the past 5 months. My wife has forged my name on my taxes the last two years.

5. I wake up everyday proud to wear my uniform, and I can't wait to fly. I have been "Shotgun" "Gannet" "Apache" "Ranger" "Chopper" and now "Outlaw" in my road to be a pilot in the CF. It is hard, and their are a lot of sacrifices. I have often said of people I know going through the pipe (pilot training system) that he/she "likes the idea of being a pilot but doesn't want to be one." They don't make it.

If you want to fly, just get you PPL. That might be the compromise you wife will accept. If your dream is more than that, and you are willing to work harder than you though possible and you wife is willing to sacrifice as well then this might be what you are looking for.

PM me if you have any questions.


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## Greymatters (1 May 2008)

While you have a tough decision on your hands, her 'ultimatum' is certainly not helping the situation.  "Its my way or the highway".  Even if she wins, she loses because now you will always blame her for not 'realizing your dream'.  Perhaps she should be made aware of this?


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## jzaidi1 (1 May 2008)

Bograt - Just PM'd you

Thanks for the advice everyone.  It's not an easy decision and I will give my wife time to adjust and speak with her about the merits of serving one's country.

Thanks,
J


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