# History of the Army  [Humour]



## daftandbarmy (18 Oct 2007)

The History of the Army 

From the Gospel according to Saint Miles, Ground Pounder. 

In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and the Infantry. 

And God looked upon the Infantry, saw that it was good, and said unto them "Thou art my chosen children. Take thou dominion over the Earth; over the fish of the Sea, the birds of the Air, and all of the Key Terrain".

And as a mark of His favor the Lord placed in the hands of the Infantry the sacred relics: the Apostolic Anti-Armor Weapon, the Catholic Claymore, and the Marian Machine Gun. 
Likewise gaveth the Lord unto the Infantry the Rucksack of Repentance, the Radio of Redemption, the Rifle of Rectitude. Lastly, unto the Infantry, and most divine of all, the Lord gaveth the Holy Hand Grenade. 

For the Infantry's sustenance the Lord declared "Four shall be thy food groups: Coffee, Tobacco, IMP's, and Alcohol. Shun all other unclean food and drink." 
And the Infantry dwelt in the land therein. 

And time passed, and the Infantry cried out unto their God saying 
"Lord, help us, for we are weary." 

And God smiled upon the Infantry, for they were blessed. Then the Lord took the fattest and laziest of the Infantry and set them upon beasts of burden. And these He called Cavalry. And as the Cavalry became fatter, lazier and heavier still they were known as the Armoured Corps. 
And the Lord looked down upon the Armour and saw that it was mediocre. 
The Lord then said "Oh, well. Thou canst not win them all. Let them lead in case of landmines." 

To the Armoured the Lord said "Hot dogs shall be thy food, and gravy thy drink. Touch not the sacred grub of the Infantry, save the coffee of Tim Horton's, which is my gift to all my children." 
And the Infantry and the Armour dwelt in the land therein. 
And time passed and the Infantry cried out again unto their Lord saying 
"Lord help us, for we are weary." 

And God smiled again upon the Infantry, for they were his chosen. Then God took those of the Armour with butts like baseplates and breath like sulfur and tiny, tiny pee-pees and these He made Artillery. But God saw that the Artillery, too, was mediocre and said unto Himself, "Oh well, garbage in; garbage out." 

Unto the Artillery He said "The big guns shall atone in part for thy diminutive other stature. Tryest thou not to hurt thyselves." To the Infantry the Lord said "When the night is darkest these shall light the way...more or less. When the approach is most open these shall, occasionally - with luck, confound the enemy's sight. 
When thou callest for fire support these shall - eventually - provide it with high explosive, cluster munitions and, best of all, willie pete." 
Though the Lord cautioned the Infantry to never, never, never trust Tacfire or any other electronic computer in the hands of the Artillery. 
And the Infantry, the Armour, and the Artillery dwelt in the land therein. Then the Artillery created the Air Defence Artillery; but quickly asked forgiveness. 

And time passed and the Infantry called out yet again unto their God, saying 
"Lord help us, for we are weary." 

Again the Lord looked with favour upon the Infantry. He took those of the Armour, Artillery and Air Defence Artillery who most liked to play in the mud and these he made Combat Engineers, and those who dwelt in darkness and spoke in riddles and these he made Military Intelligence, and those with thieving hearts and these He made Quartermasters. Of those who liked to tinker with good equipment until it broke He made the Service Battalion. and of those who neither sowed nor reaped and were most fond of hammering square pegs into round holes He made National Support Element.

Of those whose penchant was poison He made Cooks. Of those who ran around in circles He made the MSE Ops. Of the least articulate He made Signallers. Of the mindlessly doctrinaire and arrogant He - reluctantly - created Military Police (though the Lord admitted, to Himself, that He was probably only providing employment opportunities to Satan's minions). Of those who dealt in controlled substances He made the Medics and of those whose minds had been destroyed by the same made He the Chiefs of Land Staff.

Yea, the Lord of All filled up the Order of Battle. 

And the Infantry, and the others, dwelt in the land therein. 
Time passed, but yet, again, the Infantry cried out unto their God, saying,
"Lord, help us, for we are weary." 

And the Heavens darkened, and the clouds gathered. The lightnings spake and the Infantry abased themselves before their God, for they were sore afraid. 

And the Lord spoke with anger, asking "How canst thou yet be weary? Have I not made the Armour and the Artillery to support thee? Have I not made of the detritus of the Earth Quartermasters and Service Battalion and Siggies and Transport and a host of others to assist thee? Verily, have I not even made Military Intelligence, although it were a contradiction in terms?"
Humbly the Infantry abased themselves again before their God, crying, 

"Lord, it is of these that we are weary."


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## TN2IC (18 Oct 2007)

> Of those who ran around in circles He made the MSE Ops.




I'm sooo printing this off and leaving it in the lunch room tomorrow. CLASSIC! I love it! Thank you very much daftandbarmy for the GREAT read! It sure made my day.


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## Snaketnk (18 Oct 2007)

I seldom laugh out loud alone at my computer, this was one of those times.


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## exspy (18 Oct 2007)

Daft,

Please tell me you wrote this.  Another brilliant post!

Dan.


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## Lumber (18 Oct 2007)

So when did got create the navy?


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## Burrows (18 Oct 2007)

NCdt Lumber said:
			
		

> So when did got create the navy?


  He got bored in the bath one day.


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## cavalryman (18 Oct 2007)

Piper said:
			
		

> Dare I ask...when did God create the Air Force?
> 
> (And bagpipers...)



I'm guessing boredom, skeeters and blackflies were involved with the former and cats with the latter, but don't quote me on it


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## medaid (19 Oct 2007)

daftandbarmy said:
			
		

> those who dwelt in darkness and spoke in riddles and these he made Military Intelligence



mmmm me likes the dark... yes... my preciousssss 



			
				daftandbarmy said:
			
		

> Of those who dealt in controlled substances He made the Medics



Drugs?! what drugs?! Lest yet be... oh! those drugs 


awesome post Daft


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## daftandbarmy (19 Oct 2007)

As usual, can't take credit for authouring it though I'd like to. I'll see if I can find out who our CF King James' aficionado is.


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## RHFC_piper (19 Oct 2007)

Piper said:
			
		

> Dare I ask...when did God create the Air Force?
> 
> *(And bagpipers...)*



No no... Highlanders are no work of god.   

Haven't you heard the expression; Highlanders don't die, they go to hell and regroup.?

The pipes are the screech and skirl of the ladies from hell.    







Btw... great post.  Putting this one on my fridge... at work.


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## Neill McKay (19 Oct 2007)

NCdt Lumber said:
			
		

> So when did got create the navy?



You've got it backwards...


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## geo (19 Oct 2007)

D&B
Great post.
Sappers in the mud? - yup, that's us!


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## Rocketryan (19 Oct 2007)

Keep em coming Daft
It was nice to get a good laugh today


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## Bill Smy (26 Oct 2007)

The History of the Army 

From the Gospel according to Saint Miles, Ground Pounder. 

In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and the Infantry. 

And God looked upon the Infantry, saw that it was good, and said unto them "Thou art my chosen children. Take thou dominion over the Earth; over the fish of the Sea, the birds of the Air, and all of the Key Terrain".

And as a mark of His favour the Lord placed in the hands of the Infantry the sacred relics: the Apostolic Anti-Armour Weapon, the Catholic Claymore, and the Marian Machine Gun. 
Likewise gaveth the Lord unto the Infantry the Rucksack of Repentance, the Radio of Redemption, the Rifle of Rectitude. Lastly, unto the Infantry, and most divine of all, the Lord gaveth the Holy Hand Grenade. 

For the Infantry's sustenance the Lord declared "Four shall be thy food groups: Coffee, Tobacco, IMPs, and Alcohol. Shun all other unclean food and drink." 

And the Infantry dwelt in the land therein. 

And time passed, and the Infantry cried out unto their God saying "Lord, help us, for we are weary." 

And God smiled upon the Infantry, for they were blessed. Then the Lord took the fattest and laziest of the Infantry and set them upon beasts of burden. And these He called Cavalry. And as the Cavalry became fatter, lazier and heavier still they were known as the Armoured Corps. 

And the Lord looked down upon the Armour and saw that it was mediocre. 

The Lord then said "Oh, well. Thou canst not win them all. Let them lead in case of landmines." 

To the Armoured the Lord said "Hot dogs shall be thy food, and gravy thy drink. Touch not the sacred grub of the Infantry, save the coffee of Tim Horton's, which is my gift to all my children." 

And the Infantry and the Armour dwelt in the land therein. 

And time passed and the Infantry cried out again unto their Lord saying, "Lord help us, for we are weary." 

And God smiled again upon the Infantry, for they were his chosen. Then God took those of the Armour with butts like baseplates and breath like sulfur and tiny, tiny pee-pees and these He made Artillery. But God saw that the Artillery, too, was mediocre and said unto Himself, "Oh well, garbage in; garbage out." 

Unto the Artillery He said "The big guns shall atone in part for thy diminutive other stature. Tryest thou not to hurt thyselves." To the Infantry the Lord said "When the night is darkest these shall light the way...more or less. When the approach is most open these shall, occasionally - with luck, confound the enemy's sight. When thou callest for fire support these shall - eventually - provide it with high explosive, cluster munitions and, best of all, willie pete." 

Though the Lord cautioned the Infantry to never, never, never trust Tacfire or any other electronic computer in the hands of the Artillery. 

And the Infantry, the Armour, and the Artillery dwelt in the land therein. Then the Artillery created the Air Defence Artillery; but quickly asked forgiveness. 

And time passed and the Infantry called out yet again unto their God, saying, "Lord help us, for we are weary." 

Again the Lord looked with favour upon the Infantry. He took those of the Armour, Artillery and Air Defence Artillery who most liked to play in the mud and these he made Combat Engineers, and those who dwelt in darkness and spoke in riddles and these he made Military Intelligence, and those with thieving hearts and these He made Quartermasters. Of those who liked to tinker with good equipment until it broke He made the Service Battalion. And of those who neither sowed nor reaped and were most fond of hammering square pegs into round holes He made National Support Element.

Of those whose penchant was poison He made Cooks. Of those who ran around in circles He made the MSE Ops. Of the least articulate He made Signallers. Of the mindlessly doctrinaire and arrogant He - reluctantly - created Military Police (though the Lord admitted, to Himself, that He was probably only providing employment opportunities to Satan's minions). Of those who dealt in controlled substances He made the Medics and of those whose minds had been destroyed by the same made He the Chiefs of Land Staff.

Yea, the Lord of All filled up the Order of Battle. 

And the Infantry, and the others, dwelt in the land therein. 

Time passed, but yet, again, the Infantry cried out unto their God, saying, "Lord, help us, for we are weary." 

And the Heavens darkened, and the clouds gathered. The lightnings spake and the Infantry abased themselves before their God, for they were sore afraid. 

And the Lord spoke with anger, asking "How canst thou yet be weary? Have I not made the Armour and the Artillery to support thee? Have I not made of the detritus of the Earth Quartermasters and Service Battalion and Siggies and Transport and a host of others to assist thee? Verily, have I not even made Military Intelligence, although it were a contradiction in terms?"

Humbly the Infantry abased themselves again before their God, crying, "Lord, it is of these that we are weary."


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## retiredgrunt45 (26 Oct 2007)

I must go and change my diaper ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D That was priceless!!

And now we all know the whole story.


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## 3VP Highlander (26 Oct 2007)

Made my morning as I was having my coffee..


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## jimb (8 Nov 2007)

That is "with out doubt " one of the best bits of Canadian Army humour that I have ever read. I was especially delighted to see that it wasn't something that had been "adapted " from the USA or GB. 

 Who says we aren't funny people here in Canada ? 

Who ever wrote this gets my personal BZ + 1.

Jim B. Toronto.


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## JBoyd (8 Nov 2007)

I had to stop from laughing out loud as I almost woke my kids up  ;D

However, Did Bill Smy post anything different or just copy the original post? I read it over again and could not make out an distinguisable differences.


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## Bill Smy (8 Nov 2007)

JBoyd:-

I copied this from another forum, and thought I was posting something new here. Sorry.


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## R.O.S (8 Nov 2007)

Priceless  ;D

We there should be a whole bible out..... add a gospel of when god divided the military into officers and NCMs.


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## Old Sweat (8 Nov 2007)

Until Bill posted above I was going to let sleeping dogs lie. It is my opinion that this was originally American and was adapted by inserting Canadian tems. My reasons include the following:

a. A reference is made to a separate Air Defence Artillery branch. We have one artillery branch.

b. Tacfire is mentioned. It was an American system we never used.


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