# Communicating with your Spouse



## milnet (20 Aug 2012)

Hi,

I was wondering what people's experience might be like while your spouse is away.  Currently my spouse is away at basic training and has very little time to talk.  When there is a weekend that they have off, I am like great! We finally have a chance to talk and catch up, but my spouse seems distant now that he has joined the military, not interested in talking at all and making the conversation very difficult.  He says he just needs to come home.  I say to him he needs to learn to separate the two, and open up again to me like he used to before he joined.  I was his best friend, the person he turned to and now he seems to be distracted by his platoon on the weekend.  That is all fine, go out and have fun, bond do all that... but make time for us as well when you have a weekend off.  It seems he would rather forget about us at home and when he does have a moment to catch up, use his platoon around him as an excuse as to why he can't talk.  He is much older than his platoon mates too.  I kind of think he is getting influenced by these young single people who have a only me attitued.  I am supporting his career change, we have a baby at home and I have a career of my own when I go back from mat leave.  Am I supposed to be a 1950's wife who sets back and watches her husband be a jerk and just keep taking it?  What do military members go through when they have a family and are away?  I don't undersand.


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## krustyrl (20 Aug 2012)

Well, its been 27 years since I've been at basic (still serving) and it would be a safe bet that your husband is very busy.  Basic is complete focus on developing servicemen and time is very compressed.  He probably has little to no free time and the free time he does have, he is developing a unique comraderie as what happens all so often in Basic.  People undergoing Basic Training often rely on teamwork to get through.  
Yes, he may be in with some single young coursemates but that is the way it is.  He is fitting in with these people to get past Basic. 
No disrespect but unless you have gone through and completed Basic, it's a whole different world from civvie street.  More or less a "check your brain at the door and pick it up when you leave" sort of place. My guess is he is focussing on getting past this first part of a rewarding military career.

My  :2c:


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## Spooks (20 Aug 2012)

Well, milnet, these are my thoughts on this subject. (again, they are my thoughts, and therefore opinion, so they are not the opinion of everyone else in uniform)....

Your husband is off to basic training. Good for him as it is a real life changing experience. In time, he -will- learn to seperate the two (home life and work life) but for now that shouldn't be his goal. He is gone for 2-2.5mon and that may be a long time for a couple. I know that my wife and I spend a significant time together and part of me worries how she'll be when I have to go for my own upcoming training. In my opinion, he has one goal/objective right now that he needs to focus on and that is Basic Training. To put a worst case scenario on it, he needs to focus on this goal and pass Basic or he will be recoursed which usually leads to major disheartening and possible voluntary release.

I don't know the age of your husband nor his trade. You stated that he is older and you guys have a family. First, 'making time to call home' is fine but if you expect him to sit on the phone for a long time discussing the events of the week, then he could be setting himself up for failure. In retrospect, Basic was not hard for me but while I was there, it was a challenge b/c it was a drastic change from my previous civilian life. I am going to put the idea out there that if he sits on the phone for 30min talking about how little Jimmy is learning to eat with a spoon on his own now, or how your mother is demanding that you all come home for Christmas, etc. then he will begin to start reminicing about home and want to be there more than at Basic. Once that first thought of 'rather be there than here' sets in, it can be poison to his performance and thus doom him to failure. Can you think how he would be person-wise if he came home after washing out and failing? My guess is he would be a depressed wreck.

Secondly, if he is substainially older than his new peers, then he may have a problem at bonding with them as they feel he's more of a father-figure rather than a peer. Spending time and building that relationship is important as Basic is much easier as a team rather than an ostracized soloist. 

Finally, this is my firm opinion from previous experience I had. When I was overseas, I was stressed. Stressed over what, it doesn't matter. The thing is I was stressed and so when I had free time, I talked to people back home. These people fell into two groups - people who added to my stress and people who relieved it. My then-girlfriend would complain to me about everything (work, roommates, food, etc.) and expect me to deal with it for her. I was 13.5k km away from there, I will not phone-up whoever just to deal with a problem. The other group of people complained too, but about things that didn't concern me - the snowy weather in Vancouver that year, the fender-bender so-and-so got into, and so on. The point is that your husband is possibly under a lot of stress right now and on weekends he just wants to unwind. If he just started getting weekends, don't worry too much. In your final weeks, you've gone to Montreal enough, gone shopping enough, and you just want to unwind in your little cubicle. I know I talked more on the phone at the end of my course than the middle.

Depending on his trade, you may find that Basic is a breeze for you later on. Sure, 4wks of barely (but occasionally) talking to him is unbearable now but what about later when he is at his unit? Could be a month up in the arctic where there is no cellular coverage so no contact with him, or if he is stationed at a FOB in Afghanistan and cal only get into KAF to talk on the phone after 3mon (and it's only for 20min). There are many situations he could be in where he can't call or make contact with you for a period of time but the Army does understand that home-life is important to a soldier and tries to keep that to a minimum.

Don't mind that he is distant -right now-. Sometimes us Army guys need to be that way in order to do our job -while we are at our job-. If I was in your situation right now, I (the husband at basic) would really appreciate if you (the wife) made sure that life back home stayed ironed out. Need new curtains? You decide and when we get back, we will be fine with it. Water tank blew up? You can call the repairman and get a new tank, we'll be fine with it. Baby took his first steps? Try to videotape it and we'll be ever-so-grateful when we get back to watch it. This is all b/c that is a reality we chose when we enlisted/commisioned. 

I could talk more on this right now but I have to get to work. I am opting to put this on the forum vs PM as I feel that there are many spouses who would feel this exact same way. If there is anything that you wish to talk about in private, feel free to PM.


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## Cdnleaf (20 Aug 2012)

Welcome to the family . Here is a link to Military Family Resource information that may assist, as well you could look into a Military Family Resource Center in your area. 

http://www.familyforce.ca/EN/Pages/default.aspx

Edit: neglected to engage **free** spell check option.


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## chevalnoir (20 Aug 2012)

I'm female, and when I went through Basic a little over four years ago I was also much older than most of my platoon mates. I did call home most weekends, but I was generally on the phone for no more than 5 minutes at a time. It wasn't because I was so busy partying I couldn't make time for my family - it was just that I was so drained and exhausted all the time, I had a hard time focusing for long enough to actually talk about anything that mattered.

By about week 6 I took the picture of my husband and kids I had sitting on my desk out of the frame and replaced it with one of me getting sworn in when I joined. It wasn't because I didn't love my family any more, it was because every damn time I looked at that picture I would think of everything I was giving up to put myself through hell at St. Jean. At best I'd start crying my eyes out and at worst I'd seriously start thinking about putting in a VR. Looking at the pic of me at my enrollment reminded me of all the reasons I joined in the first place (some of which were sometimes hard to remember in that particular environment), and helped me stay focused.

There is no way to explain what you go through during Basic to someone who hasn't done it, no matter how close you are. That's because it isn't any one thing you are dealing with, it's the combination of a lot of stressors. Also, just because he has a free weekend, doesn't mean it's really free. For instance, when you come back from a week in the field, you can easily spend the better part of your "free" weekend getting your kit back in order. Plus, there is sleep. You never get enough of it. A lot of the time, you use your weekends to catch up a little.

Whether or not you make it through Basic has a lot to do with your mental focus. If your husband has been there for more than 4 weeks, I'd be willing to bet he's already seen platoon mates leave because they couldn't handle the pull and demands of their spouse/parent/child/whatever. He may need to distance himself from you a bit to be able to keep the focus he needs to get through this.

Will it always be like this? I'd be lying if I said there  would never be other times where he will not have a lot of energy to give to your relationship, but it's certainly not a constant thing.  

It will help if you can find some interests and friends that can keep you occupied when he is unable to be there for you as much as you would like. Definitely don't be a 1950's wife sitting home waiting for him to make everything right in your world. Be a 2012 wife who has a fulfilling life of her own - then when you are together, you both have something worthwhile to share with each other.

For us, it has definitely been totally worth it. I love my job, my husband is very good about not adding to my stress when I am in one of those high stress situations, and I totally put work aside and focus 100% on my family when I have time off (which is a lot more generous in the CF than in a lot of civilian jobs). It works for us. You can focus on the separations, and think of each one as a huge loss, or you can focus on the reunions, and make each one a celebration - it's all in your point of view.

But if you need to be the centre of your husband's universe 24/7 in order to be happy, you'll have a tough time, and so will he. I will be forever grateful to my husband for being there for me and supporting me in every way possible during what was a very, very stressful and exhausting time. 

All the best!


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## Neolithium (20 Aug 2012)

milnet said:
			
		

> Hi,
> 
> I was wondering what people's experience might be like while your spouse is away.  Currently my spouse is away at basic training and has very little time to talk.  When there is a weekend that they have off, I am like great! We finally have a chance to talk and catch up, but my spouse seems distant now that he has joined the military, not interested in talking at all and making the conversation very difficult.  He says he just needs to come home.  I say to him he needs to learn to separate the two, and open up again to me like he used to before he joined.  I was his best friend, the person he turned to and now he seems to be distracted by his platoon on the weekend.  That is all fine, go out and have fun, bond do all that... but make time for us as well when you have a weekend off.  It seems he would rather forget about us at home and when he does have a moment to catch up, use his platoon around him as an excuse as to why he can't talk.  He is much older than his platoon mates too.  I kind of think he is getting influenced by these young single people who have a only me attitued.  I am supporting his career change, we have a baby at home and I have a career of my own when I go back from mat leave.  Am I supposed to be a 1950's wife who sets back and watches her husband be a jerk and just keep taking it?  What do military members go through when they have a family and are away?  I don't undersand.



I can't necessarily speak for whats going through your husbands mind, however when I was gone to BMQ, on PAT for a year waiting for my DP1, I didn't have much of a chance to really hang on the phone, even with weekends off.  I suppose it came across as distant but more often than not I was content to just hear how things were going at home, and say goodbye until the next phone call.   Not getting in depth helped both me and my wife deal with the distance and long amounts of time apart without causing us new issues, and with our situation made things that much more enjoyable when I did get home on leave.   Perhaps the only advice I can give you both is to hang in there and see how things go, every situation is different.


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## Hammer Sandwich (20 Aug 2012)

milnet, one of the BIGGEST misconceptions about basic is that it's some sort of vacation.

I will tell you now that it is not.

It sucks, and it's supposed to suck......shit, it's designed to suck.
This is how a new troop gets a feel for their new career.

I went to (PRes) basic @26, with a house, wife, and baby at home (most of the other troops were 16-19ish). I hated being away, but had to focus on the task at hand.

Honestly, the less I thought about my girls, the better.



			
				milnet said:
			
		

> It seems he would rather forget about us at home and when he does have a moment to catch up, use his platoon around him as an excuse as to why he can't talk.



Nope. 
He's being fed night and day that the platoon is above all else. He's just doing his job by making sure he is part of the group. It's really stressed during training.

If you're worried about him humping someone else........he's got alot more on his plate to worry about.


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## milnet (21 Aug 2012)

Thank you everyone!  This has been most helpful.


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## Pusser (21 Aug 2012)

I know it sucks now, but trust me.  It will get better.  As others have said, even when he's "off," he's not really off.  Basic training is a constant bag-drive and it's difficult to focus on anything else.  If you can be supportive now, it will pay off in the future. There will come a time when he'll be home on a more regular basis and you can actually achieve a "normal" (whatever that is) family life, with 2.3 kids, a dog and a mini-van.  Heck nowadays, with modern family life, some of us look forward to deploying in order to get a break!  Seriously though, my wife often points out that now we actually talk more when I'm deployed than when I'm at home (i.e. we dedicate time to it as opposed to being in separate parts of the house dealing with family/volunteer commitments).


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## kitch (5 Sep 2012)

Hello everyone! My husband is in BMQ right now also and so I decided to take a look at any advice for spouses of recruits. We have four children under 10, no experience with military life whatsoever, and my husband is also an 'older' recruit (35+). I am very excited for my husbands new career in the CAF, and I am also proud to be here to support him and encourage him to "keep his stick on the ice". When he calls I fill him in on all the most important going-ons in our household, but I am careful to not share info that would be a stressor to him. The way I see it, is this: 1. He is making this career change to provide a better future for our family, 2. He is learning a whole new way of life, one that is the polar opposite to how he has lived thus far, 3. He needs to be supported, uplifted and encourage, and 4. We're all in this together, and we can either choose to sink or swim...we choose to swim. His calls are short, but I am okay with that because I am just happy to hear from him. I do not expect all his attention during that call because I am sure his focus is on his platoon. 

 I just wanted to share my thoughts and experiences so far, and to also thank everyone who has contributed to this thread because it gave me some valuable information how to live my life at home, and let DH live his life on base. I know that as the weeks of training turn into months this will be one of the hardest things we will have gone through as a family so far, but I know that it will also be worth it. 

Cheers,

Maggs


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## Canadian.Trucker (5 Sep 2012)

kitch said:
			
		

> Hello everyone! My husband is in BMQ right now also and so I decided to take a look at any advice for spouses of recruits. We have four children under 10, no experience with military life whatsoever, and my husband is also an 'older' recruit (35+). I am very excited for my husbands new career in the CAF, and I am also proud to be here to support him and encourage him to "keep his stick on the ice". When he calls I fill him in on all the most important going-ons in our household, but I am careful to not share info that would be a stressor to him. The way I see it, is this: 1. He is making this career change to provide a better future for our family, 2. He is learning a whole new way of life, one that is the polar opposite to how he has lived thus far, 3. He needs to be supported, uplifted and encourage, and 4. We're all in this together, and we can either choose to sink or swim...we choose to swim. His calls are short, but I am okay with that because I am just happy to hear from him. I do not expect all his attention during that call because I am sure his focus is on his platoon.
> 
> I just wanted to share my thoughts and experiences so far, and to also thank everyone who has contributed to this thread because it gave me some valuable information how to live my life at home, and let DH live his life on base. I know that as the weeks of training turn into months this will be one of the hardest things we will have gone through as a family so far, but I know that it will also be worth it.
> 
> ...



Excellent mindset to have.  Things may not always be easy, but it is how you approach the situation and deal with it positively that will have the biggest impact.

My wife and I aren't overjoyed when I need to go away, but I know she fully supports me and is a strong woman that stands behind me when I need it.  I did the math when I returned from Afghanistan in December 2010, at this point we had been married for 36 months.  During that time I had been home for approximately 5-6 of those 36 months, and that 5-6 months was broken up into 1-3 week blocks.  Was it a challenge?  Ofcourse!  But we go through it together.

Pro Pasipita


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## milnet (7 Sep 2012)

Thank you for everyone's reply's.  

" The way I see it, is this: 1. He is making this career change to provide a better future for our family, 2. He is learning a whole new way of life, one that is the polar opposite to how he has lived thus far, 3. He needs to be supported, uplifted and encourage, and 4. We're all in this together, and we can either choose to sink or swim...we choose to swim. His calls are short, but I am okay with that because I am just happy to hear from him. I do not expect all his attention during that call because I am sure his focus is on his platoon. 

 I just wanted to share my thoughts and experiences so far, and to also thank everyone who has contributed to this thread because it gave me some valuable information how to live my life at home, and let DH live his life on base. I know that as the weeks of training turn into months this will be one of the hardest things we will have gone through as a family so far, but I know that it will also be worth it."

The biggest thing that is the hardest for me is to remember to stay positive because while all the above quoted is what the spouse is now doing, it is a completely different way of thinking and living for the spouse at home.  I thought I would be amazing at handling all the changes but there has been some growing pains on both ends.  For me the "not knowing" factor is the hardest.  I will be giving up a really well paying job that can support our entire family, to support my husbands career change.  Who knows I could find a better job or no job at all, but staying positive and knowing that at the end of the day keeping our family happy and together is the most important thing and the rest doesn't really matter at all. Money is just money and job is a job, but the job he is doing is far more important than mine.  While I am getting better at this whole "Army Wife" thing it has been very difficult to adjust to, accept and like.  The biggest thing for me is to learn to let go of my old life and accept that nothing is really in my hands right now but to stay positive.  It is all in what we make of it!


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## kitch (7 Sep 2012)

Canadian.Trucker said:
			
		

> Excellent mindset to have.  Things may not always be easy, but it is how you approach the situation and deal with it positively that will have the biggest impact.
> 
> My wife and I aren't overjoyed when I need to go away, but I know she fully supports me and is a strong woman that stands behind me when I need it.  I did the math when I returned from Afghanistan in December 2010, at this point we had been married for 36 months.  During that time I had been home for approximately 5-6 of those 36 months, and that 5-6 months was broken up into 1-3 week blocks.  Was it a challenge?  Ofcourse!  But we go through it together.
> 
> Pro Pasipita



During the years we have been married, my DH and I have not been apart for more than a month, this will be the first time we have had to go so long with minimal contact. I hope and pray that I can continue to be strong and supportive for him as he navigates his way through this new life. 

When Lil.K said, "Who knows I could find a better job or no job at all, but staying positive and knowing that at the end of the day keeping our family happy and together is the most important thing and the rest doesn't really matter at all", I couldn't agree more! Well said!

My plan is to take this new journey one day at a time. Best of luck to you and your family Lil.K.


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## aesop081 (7 Sep 2012)

Lil.k said:
			
		

> this whole "Army Wife" thing



My often unpopular  :2c:

You are not an "army wife". You are your husband's wife. The sooner you make that distinction, the sooner you will be able to avoid the trappings of thinking of yourself as an "army wife", such as thinking the military owes you something, thinking that you are dramatically different from the spouses of members of many other occupations out there or acting like you have your husband's rank around the PMQ patch/CANEX/mess.

Good luck in your family's future endeavours.


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## milnet (8 Sep 2012)

Well Cdn Avatior,

First off the army doesn't owe me or anyone for that matter anything.  I am sorry I gave that impression, because no matter what crap comes your way, you can say "oh poor me" forever or do something about it.  I always like to do something about it and I never wanted to point fingers at the army or anything like that.  However, when people go through change, there is usually some resistance to accept their new circumstances before they can move on.  I didnt know what this would be like at first, and heck I am sure no one can ever be really prepared to live this life until they are thrown in it and now have to deal with it.  Everyone's situation is different.  I reached out originally to hopefully better understand what my spouse was going through so I could be more supportive and understanding.  In my "old life" those circumstances probably wouldn't happen.  Second, the whole "army wife" thing is different than being a regular spouse because your spouse is away a lot.  Sure I would travel a lot for work before but it isn't on the same level.  I would go out on a limb here and say that a lot of the married population get to have their spouse come home on a daily basis or a regular basis, so it is different.  People also expect that you "don't tell your spouse about any problems while they are away". Honestly when someone first told me that I was like.... F that, what am I? A member of the Cleaver family??  However I see the point of it now.  I still don't like it that much, but I can handle it.  Anyway, my point is mainly that it is different in these ways and others ways as well and that it takes time to learn to adjust and define your new normal.  However, it was never my intention nor have I ever thought for a second that the army owes me anything.  I made the decision to support my husband who has chosen to give back to our country and it's people that it protects.  With that comes a lot of change and I simply reached out to talk to people potentially going through or have gone through some of the same things because a lot of people in the civilian world don't understand.


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## ttlbmg (8 Sep 2012)

I think some people confuse the term "army wife." (or military spouse, there are plenty of men out there as well, supporting their wives in the service) From my experience, many military spouses have been some of the most tolerant, supportive, and helpful people that I have ever met. And yes they do identify themselves as "army wives"; but no, they do not strut around the Canex or Qs. If you are lucky, when your spouse is posted, you will have the opportunity to meet some of these amazing "wives." I think for some, the term "army wife" is a source of pride. I am very proud to explain to people that my husband serves in the CF, and I am also happy to meet other people that share that common bond with me. I think some time people are confused about the old stereotype about the "army wife." That she sits around and knows more about her husband's pay and rank than he does. (however, I have not met that stereotype in a long time) 

I think that real "army spouses" are people that are proud of their serving member, but do not let that become the central identifier in their life. Yes, the military is more than one person's career, it is a family lifestyle. That is the point I guess, your spouse's career permeates so many aspects of your life, that while you aren't in the service, it is part of who you become. And I will say, in the time I have spent in this role, I have never had someone identify themselves as a "pilot's wife" or an "armoured wife" when speaking to me. I haven't experienced a separation in trades or ranks. (we are all in this together, right?) I think there needs to be a shift in the stereotype. I am not some angry woman that thinks the army owes me the time they took away from me and "the old man" and I have never really been to the Canex, but yes, I am an "army wife."  I think most of us aren't the stereotype. 

It is nice to hear that you guys are supportive of your spouses' new choices and lifestyle. I think it is amazing that you are willing to sacrifice for your spouse. It is great to hear about the supportive "army wives" out there!


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## kitch (9 Sep 2012)

ttlbmg said:
			
		

> I think for some, the term "army wife" is a source of pride. I am very proud to explain to people that my husband serves in the CF, and I am also happy to meet other people that share that common bond with me.....
> 
> I think that real "army spouses" are people that are proud of their serving member, but do not let that become the central identifier in their life. Yes, the military is more than one person's career, it is a family lifestyle. That is the point I guess, your spouse's career permeates so many aspects of your life, that while you aren't in the service, it is part of who you become..... (we are all in this together, right?)... but yes, I am an "army wife."



My first day in church after my DH went to BMQ, someone smiled and greeted me by saying, "So, you're a military wife now"....and I felt such a sense of pride in that. I am very proud of what my husband had to accomplish in order to receive that offer to serve, and I am especially proud that he is willing to do so after many family and friends said he was crazy and selfish for leaving his family. For me, if and when he passes all his initial training and I officially become an "army wife", we will all have to adjust to the military way of life for families and understand that it will be a part of who we become. That being said, I think what CDN Aviator was trying to say was not that all of us who define ourselves as "army wives" feel the army owes us something, but rather it CAN be a trap that spouses have fallen into before. Whereby their definitions of themselves and how they chose to act were based on their husbands rank. Maybe I'm wrong on that but that's just my opinion


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