# Jokes we play on new guys



## aesop081 (2 Jan 2005)

48Highlander said:
			
		

> Well as an example of what happens when military personnel LACK intelligence:
> 
> We had a supply NCO (corporal) tasked to the platoon, and within the first 5 minutes we could tell he wasn't quite all there.   One of the sct. cmdrs then suggested that the good corporal should go fetch us the keys to the Mod-tents so we could go look them over.   He proceeded to pull out a pen and paper in order to write down what we wanted.   At this point, his driver (a private) grabbed him by the shoulders, turned him around, and said "I'm getting you out of here before they kill you".   So for the rest of the summer we had a Pte. for our supply NCO and a corporal to do odd-jobs and provide amusement.
> 
> ...



How about asking a guy to go paint the fire picket ?

a roll of contour line ?

The BFA for the 84 ?

the spare bubble for the level ?


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## 48Highlander (2 Jan 2005)

aesop081 said:
			
		

> How about asking a guy to go paint the fire picket ?
> 
> a roll of contour line ?
> 
> ...



    Oh there's a bunch of those and I don't blame new guys for falling for them.  But when a Corporal who's supposed to be in charge of our logistics falls for it....well, it's not a very good sign 

    On a related note, I had the unfortiunate opportunity to find out that Meaford really DOES have keys for the parade square.  I say unfortiunate because, when told by a WO to get them, I laughed and told him to...well, you can imagine.


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## aesop081 (2 Jan 2005)

48Highlander said:
			
		

> Oh there's a bunch of those and I don't blame new guys for falling for them.   But when a Corporal who's supposed to be in charge of our logistics falls for it....well, it's not a very good sign
> 
> On a related note, I had the unfortiunate opportunity to find out that Meaford really DOES have keys for the parade square.   I say unfortiunate because, when told by a WO to get them, I laughed and told him to...well, you can imagine.



Petawawa was the same. The parade square neer the fron gate had chains across the entrances and they were locked.............imagine my surprise when a new guy was sent to see the RSM of 2 CER to get the keys and he actualy came back with them.......i was like " what now ?"


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## 48Highlander (2 Jan 2005)

That's awesome  ;D  There's a similar story about an airforce guy and a "sky-hook", although given the dificulty to which said individual had to go through to get the damn thing, I'm not sure if the story's true.


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## George Wallace (2 Jan 2005)

Then be careful not to send a guy off for a Skyhook or a Tarp stretcher.   The Chopper Sqns have Skyhooks and there actually is a tarp-stretcher somewhere in circus Bn.

Always loved the ploy to give a NFG a bucket on the IMR and tell him to clean up the range and pick up all the laser dots.

Gw


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## aesop081 (2 Jan 2005)

48Highlander said:
			
		

> That's awesome   ;D   There's a similar story about an airforce guy and a "sky-hook", although given the dificulty to which said individual had to go through to get the damn thing, I'm not sure if the story's true.



I gave a guy a bucket full of pink, summer windsheild washer fluid and told him that the APC had to have its IR coating re-applied.......gave him a mop too........so there he was.........


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## George Wallace (2 Jan 2005)

I see the skyhook story has gotten around.  Time to start a new thread.....

GW


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## aesop081 (2 Jan 2005)

The there's checking the tire pressure in the roadwheels of the APC.......

go to the QM and ask for a long stand........

Use the tuning fork to tighten the track.....


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## 48Highlander (2 Jan 2005)

aesop081 said:
			
		

> I gave a guy a bucket full of pink, summer windsheild washer fluid and told him that the APC had to have its IR coating re-applied.......gave him a mop too........so there he was.........



    Hopefuly our Ukranian friend will have a similar experience    Should knock him down a peg or two.

    Get a bottle of prop-wash.  An Iltis turret.  A box of frequencies.  500m of flight-line.


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## aesop081 (2 Jan 2005)

48Highlander said:
			
		

> Hopefuly our Ukranian friend will have a similar experience      Should knock him down a peg or two.



My favorite is telling driver tracked students that they have to grease the bearings of the coupola.  In order to do this they have to remove the coupola by turning it 100 time to the right !!!   Stand back and watch


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## George Wallace (2 Jan 2005)

aesop081 said:
			
		

> My favorite is telling driver tracked students that they have to grease the bearings of the coupola. In order to do this they have to remove the coupola by turning it 100 time to the right !!! Stand back and watch



Not as silly as watching a guy after you told him the secret combination to unlock the turret of a tank for maintainance.   Why sure, 33 turns to the left, 24 to the right and then 15 to the left and back to Zero and it'll pop right off so that you can check the turret ring.......By the way did you talc all the rubber?

GW


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## Veterans son (2 Jan 2005)

aesop081 said:
			
		

> How about asking a guy to go paint the fire picket ?
> 
> a roll of contour line ?
> 
> ...



Great post aesop081! ;D ;D


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## chrisf (2 Jan 2005)

48Highlander said:
			
		

> A box of frequencies.



Or if the radio is stuck, frequency oil.


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## Korus (2 Jan 2005)

Could one of you go grab me a box of grid squares and a 100 meters of shore line?


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## Fusaki (2 Jan 2005)

Within a few months of getting to battalion, one of the older Pte's tried to send me to Foxtrot CQ to get a Box of Frequencies. So I look at him and I say "What? A DTD?". And the guy gives me this blank stare, so I repeat myself: "You want a DTD, right? A little black box with frequencies and crypto?". So he looks confused for a second, and I start to catch on that I'm being toyed with (They just don't hand DTDs out to anyone, right?). Then before things got any worse, my buddy pointed out to him that the majority of my short time with the battalion was spent on a Basic Comms course, and that it was obvious I knew more about frequencies then I did about pranks played on new Ptes. ;D


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## Baloo (2 Jan 2005)

Had a hell of a time watching one guy on our BIQ course. We were in Meaford, and were heading to hand the weapons in, when all of a sudden this guy flies out into the hallway, runs back up the stairs to our rooms, and frantically looks for something. He came out with such a dejected look. Upon asking the problem, he said the staff had asked if he remembered the BFA for the mortar. The silence was unbelievable. Needless to say, it stuck around.  ;D


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## chrisf (2 Jan 2005)

Consider it a good lesson... anytime you publically claim to be more intelligent to somone else, they will immediately do their best to disprove you. After hour 4 of searching for somthing that doesn't exist, you will realise the error of your ways, return, and recieve your slice of humble pie.


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## *Grunt (3 Jan 2005)

Alright so I joined when I was 17, along with a friend of mine. It ends up we both get our phone calls  on the same day and a couple weeks down the road ship off to BMQ together. So naturally we stuck together, and watched each others back, you know making sure all the lint was off our uniforms for inspection, checking things over..ect ect..We also knew the lock combo's to our green lockers (just incase we forgot them, itd be a fun time explaining this to our master bombadeer) so one day I dont know around week 6 he made it down for breakfast before I did, we had to hurry that day becuase we had to do a ruckmarch with our pissed off WO. So of all the days to play a prank on me he had to pick this day, he decided it would be funny to open my locker and remove my; helmet,webbing,and stinky bag, and put it in a different locker, then go to his appointment for meds. 

So after my breakfast getting ready to gear and lineup with the rest of my platoon for our march, to my surprise my locker is empty and my lock missing. I have never been so freaked out in my life. Needless to say I thought someone snapped my lock and stole my gear, as did the two corprals who were now both yelling toe to two with me inches away from my face. After much embarrasment from the many passing platoons, and other intructors they eventually sent me lose to double check my locker.To my surprise I noticed a lock on the locker beside mine which had none before today. I tried my combo and sure enough inside was all the stuff I thought I lost and just finished getting chewed out for. 

I returned to the eagerly awaiting Corprals wearing my gear, one shook his head laughing and walked 
away, but the other was pissed.."Glad to see you found your gear pte." he said loud enough to echo in the halls, "Now come follow me!" he said agrily, I just stared ahead and followed. Needless to say we alot of PT, then upoun rejoining my platoon we did more. So basically that was my worst expirence at basic, I never reported my friend for what he did, I just took the lock off his barracks locker, there was a scarecrow made with his stuff upoun returning the evening...... :threat:


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## Pugnacious (3 Jan 2005)

Priceless! ;D

Cheers!
P.


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## spenco (3 Jan 2005)

aesop081 said:
			
		

> go to the QM and ask for a long stand........



Hehehe my english teacher did this on one of my classmates in grade 8... he waited for the long stand for around an hour.  ;D


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## X Royal (3 Jan 2005)

Just after getting in the battalion on a fri. morning I was sent for a BFA for a 9mm Browning pistol   with the instructions not to return without it. The AWOL charge would have been a prick after they found me in the Jr's on Mon. evening. Thank god for so many witnesses. The pay backs were a b*tch though. 

Sh*t Happens


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## bossi (3 Jan 2005)

"A bucket of Regimental tartan paint".


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## the 48th regulator (3 Jan 2005)

three man lifts

that's all I will say

dileas

tess


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## MikeM (3 Jan 2005)

Ahh the old 3 man lift...

We did a 5 man not too long ago...


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## Jungle (3 Jan 2005)

Pre-pumped naphta... makes things much easier in the Arctic !!!


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## qor556 (3 Jan 2005)

MikeM said:
			
		

> Ahh the old 3 man lift...
> 
> We did a 5 man not too long ago...



Yea that was pretty brutal. Further supports the statement "never volunteer for ANYTHING"   :dontpanic:


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## Heatwave (3 Jan 2005)

Ahhh yessss!  Buckets of steam...A bucket of camouflage paint...Changing the winter air for the summer air in the truck tires...fetching 100 feet of hanger line from Supply...trying to find a water hammer so we could work on piping...retrieve the keys for the Anchor Pocket Door...One of these I actually fell for :-\  Oh well, all in good fun, especially when you get to return the favour >

Chimo!


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## Pugnacious (4 Jan 2005)

I'm almost afraid to ask what the 3 man lift is.

Cheers!
P.


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## Poppa (4 Jan 2005)

Best one I ever saw.
Brit RMP SM as one of his duties was a fire marshal. Had one of the new monkeys carry around a 5lb fire ext and a sealed envelope with the instructions that the camp RSM had to sign off the readiness report contained in the envelope. This poor kid was running all over Banja Luka looking for the RSM. Finally found him, proudly stood to and handed over the note which read.
" Oi wanker, Give me 2 weeks leave or I'll let you have it with this fire ext!"

Poor kid.


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## leopard11 (4 Jan 2005)

Heatwave said:
			
		

> Ahhh yessss!   Buckets of steam...A bucket of camouflage paint...Changing the winter air for the summer air in the truck tires...fetching 100 feet of hanger line from Supply...trying to find a water hammer so we could work on piping...retrieve the keys for the Anchor Pocket Door...One of these I actually fell for :-\   Oh well, all in good fun, especially when you get to return the favour >



ah the bucket of steam seems to be getting around, havent heard it in the army yet, but in my brief 3 months at mcdonalds heard it many times, all the new guys were told to do some odd jobs: Getting a bucket of steam from the freezer, counting the seeds on the buns to ensure there were enuf, quality testing the onions by eating alot of them, sorting the loose pickels, filling up the ketchup dispensers with individual ketchup packages, of course no one ever let anyone get to the point of actually doing them since it was food, but the look on peoples face was priceless, i was only had once, the bagel got stuck in the rotary toaster and the bagel caught fire, i quickly asked what to do , and was told to blow on it (now blowing into a gigantic oven does very little) so there i am blowing into this toaster until somebody handed me the poking stick....how dumb i felt....


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## 48Highlander (4 Jan 2005)

Pugnacious said:
			
		

> I'm almost afraid to ask what the 3 man lift is.



    Well it's probably better not to discuss it in the forums.  If you're really interested send me a private message and I'll explain.



			
				Poppa said:
			
		

> Best one I ever saw.
> Brit RMP SM as one of his duties was a fire marshal. Had one of the new monkeys carry around a 5lb fire ext and a sealed envelope with the instructions that the camp RSM had to sign off the readiness report contained in the envelope. This poor kid was running all over Banja Luka looking for the RSM. Finally found him, proudly stood to and handed over the note which read.
> " Oi wanker, Give me 2 weeks leave or I'll let you have it with this fire ext!"



    That is without a doubt THE best one I've ever come across ;D  The mental-picture it generates is just beautiful.


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## PeterLT (4 Jan 2005)

These are two of my favorite jokes I had the pleasure to administer to new guys. The nicest, if it's well organized is to send the lad to Regimental Maintenance to fetch a Eustachian Tube for an APC (the left one) 5307-00-120-7734. And of course the checklist for a 10K Generator requires a can of Sparks. How else can it be started?

Peter ;D


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## eliteboris (4 Jan 2005)

Told this new guy he needed to maintain the turret ring of the cougar. To achieve that he had to unlock the turret by turing it 100 times to the left. On foot patrols i have also told a new guy to march out 100 meters till he hits the grid line. Another one was i told this guy to ask teh QM for a bucket of D.R.I.V.E. because he was lacking in it. All good times. Then there is the ones i should not even mention on the forums.


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## George Wallace (4 Jan 2005)

There is the story of the Inf Officer teaching a lecture on the Eryx system, when he got frustrated at not getting the correct answer to one of his questions, making the statement: "Come on now, it's not rocket science!"  To which a hand went up in the class and a Cpl said: "But sir; it is!"

While on ROUTP in Shilo in 1974, a PPCLI WO was instructing a platoon of women on the parade square.  He said: "The next drill movement I am going to teach you; I know you will get wrong.  And how do I know?  Because I have a crystal ball."  Well the front rank smirked, the middle rank giggled and the rear rank, feeling a little more protected, broke out laughing.

GW


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## *Grunt (4 Jan 2005)

George Wallace said:
			
		

> While on ROUTP in Shilo in 1974, a PPCLI WO was instructing a platoon of women on the parade square.   He said: "The next drill movement I am going to teach you; I know you will get wrong.   And how do I know?   Because I have a crystal ball."   *Well the front rank smirked, the middle rank giggled and the rear rank, feeling a little more protected, broke out laughing.*
> GW



hahahaha i've seen this alot, its so true though. I was usually in the middle rank and was able to giggle a little bit.


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## *Grunt (4 Jan 2005)

Poppa said:
			
		

> Best one I ever saw.
> Brit RMP SM as one of his duties was a fire marshal. Had one of the new monkeys carry around a 5lb fire ext and a sealed envelope with the instructions that the camp RSM had to sign off the readiness report contained in the envelope. This poor kid was running all over Banja Luka looking for the RSM. Finally found him, proudly stood to and handed over the note which read.
> " Oi wanker, Give me 2 weeks leave or I'll let you have it with this fire ext!"
> 
> Poor kid.



Man this is the funniest thing i've read in here yet!
"Oi wanker"...hahaha.......


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## saint1 (4 Jan 2005)

How about telling someone to go get a can of compression, they will look for hours.


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## Scott (4 Jan 2005)

For the Highlanders:

"Go to the QM and draw your velcro gloves"


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## my72jeep (4 Jan 2005)

I had an old PO send me out for 6 feet of shore line once and being smarter than the average Pvt. I when to supply got a wash bin and a shovel. boy was the PO pissed when he got back to the class and found 6 feet of stinky wet sand and rocks full of sea weed dead fish and any thing else I found at the edge of the harbor.the look on his face when he asked what the f#$% is that doing here and I said "PO thats your 6 feet of shoreline" was worth all the extra duties.


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## Dogboy (4 Jan 2005)

my72jeep said:
			
		

> I had an old PO send me out for 6 feet of shore line once and being smarter than the average Pvt. I when to supply got a wash bin and a shovel. boy was the PO pissed when he got back to the class and found 6 feet of stinky wet sand and rocks full of sea weed dead fish and any thing else I found at the edge of the harbor.the look on his face when he asked what the f#$% is that doing here and I said "PO thats your 6 feet of shoreline" was worth all the extra duties.



ya we need a thread on whats the snappy come back to stupid newbie jokes.


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## Freight_Train (4 Jan 2005)

On an Ex a couple of months ago, one of the Cpl's asked me to go grab the BFA for the Carl G.  I asked him to help me, as I knew something that big would have to be a 2 man job ;D


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## gun plumber (4 Jan 2005)

"Who here has thier 404's""
(hands shoot up as they all think thier getting a swan)
"Pte Bloggins,go get that broom and drive around the parade square"
Fell for it a few times,but just when you think your going to get suckered again,it's a real duty!


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## aesop081 (4 Jan 2005)

Goes along with " who here wants a jump course ?"


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## Gunnar (4 Jan 2005)

Bloggins, go to supply and get me a can of tartan paint!

One can of tartan paint, please!  Corporal needs it right away!

Which tartan?

Hang on, I'll check....

Black Watch tartan.

Hunting or Dress?

Hang on, I'll check.....

Dress.

Oh.  We're all out of Dress Black Watch.  Will Cameron do?


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## OatmealSavage (15 Jan 2005)

Poppa said:
			
		

> Best one I ever saw.
> Brit RMP SM as one of his duties was a fire marshal. Had one of the new monkeys carry around a 5lb fire ext and a sealed envelope with the instructions that the camp RSM had to sign off the readiness report contained in the envelope. This poor kid was running all over Banja Luka looking for the RSM. Finally found him, proudly stood to and handed over the note which read.
> " Oi wanker, Give me 2 weeks leave or I'll let you have it with this fire ext!"



By far the best.
Best I've seen was the QM showed the guy where the hose was and gave him a jerry can and told him to fill up the water fountain. He's dumping a jerry of water down the drain and the OC wanders down the hall and asks him what he's doing. "Filling up the water fountain sir". OC just gives him a nod and walks away.

I'm not sure it's a good idea to tell them about the turret combination because if they turn the turret too many turns clockwise the turret threads will get overtightened and you will have to send them for the turret wrench to back it off.


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## Sharpey (15 Jan 2005)

I still remember, first month in and I was sent to the Radio Cage to grab a radio net. Took me all night to figure out why the guys were laughing at me.


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## Korus (16 Jan 2005)

There we are doing section duties on basic training, my section happened to be cleaning the laundry room at the time. One of the instructors asked me if I wanted some pizza, and I thought to myself "hhmm.. I'm not falling for that one", so I politley decline. 

He persists. "Are you sure?" he asks.

"No thankyou, cpl" is my reply. He looks dissapointed and walks away.

When I walk back into the main area with all the bunks when I finish up my duties, what do I see? A couple troops eating slices of pizza....


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## baraccuda112 (16 Jan 2005)

i have had that one dun on me and let me say it is a good prank


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## Sharpey (17 Jan 2005)

Common question I used to hear..."Who wants to drive a tank?"

Guess you got the crappy job


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## Steel Badger (17 Jan 2005)

My personal best was sending a mate of mine to the MIR for 100 feet of fallopian tubing.......

He went, he asked....and was thrown out thru the door by the irate Airbone Regt Medic MCPL.....



Sigh....I was / am a very bad man.....


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## Highland Lad (17 Jan 2005)

Best I've done --

Buddy and I (instructing on QL2) acquired a chalk line, went out to the trg area and snapped down 3 grid intersections (accurately positioned and labeled) one morning prior to Map & Compass practical...

Never send newbies with odd requests if the QM is bored and has a sense of humour...


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## Q 1 (18 Jan 2005)

-m-72 cleaning kit
   -can of plaid paint
   -the right hand tires are on the left and the left hand are on the right, switch them.
   -tank knitting needles and some steel wool
   -jerry can washers
   -can of halogen fluid
   -left hand rifle scope
  

  AND.. of course for s--t job's :
                       
                         who likes motorbikes!
                         who wants a jump course!
                         who likes ice cream!


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## my72jeep (18 Jan 2005)

Q 1 said:
			
		

> -the right hand tires are on the left and the left hand are on the right, switch them.


You never worked on a iltis with the old style tires on it did you. they were derectional tires and you hoped the flat was the same as your spare if not it got loud.


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## aesop081 (18 Jan 2005)

my72jeep said:
			
		

> You never worked on a iltis with the old style tires on it did you. they were derectional tires and you hoped the flat was the same as your spare if not it got loud.



HLVWs were the same...directional threads !


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## purple peguin (24 Jan 2005)

who likes fast cars? who wants a timmies coffie?  ;D


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## q_1966 (24 Jan 2005)

Q 1 said:
			
		

> AND.. of course for s--t job's :
> who likes ice cream!



Thats the oldest saying, but gets all the new Cadets everytime, screw em up when they get the hang of it by offering icecream and actually giving them some


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## D-n-A (24 Jan 2005)

Can you get me the tactical red filter for the coleman lantern?


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