# Just some Police humor :)



## Cyr (18 Nov 2005)

You Might Be a Cop if....
>
>
>You have the bladder capacity of five people.
>
>You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
>
>You believe that 25% of people are a waste of space.
>
>Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.
>
>You call for a criminal check on anyone who is remotely friendly to you.
>
>Discussing dismemberment over dinner seems perfectly normal to you.
>
>You find humour in other peoples stupidity.
>
>You have your weekends off planned for a year.
>
>You believe that shallow gene pool should be grounds for arrest.
>
>You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
>
>You plan what you're going to have for dinner whilst loading your firearm.
>
>You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, it 
>sure is quiet around here".
>
>Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than a 
>computer can track.
>
>You believe that donuts and chocolate are a food group.
>
>Having a beer at 7am seems relaxing.
>
>You have ever wanted to hold a seminar called "Suicide, getting it right 
>the first time".
>
>You believe "Too stupid to Live" should be a valid court outcome.
>
>You have ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin to laugh 
>uncontrollably.
>
>You have heard the Sergeant muttering down the hall, "Who is in charge of 
>this mess anyway?"
>
>When you mention vegetables, you're not referring to a food group.
>
>You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
>
>Your prisoner states "I have no idea how I got here" - and neither have 
>you.
>
>It occurs to you, suddenly one night, that you are policing the twilight 
>zone.
>
>Your favourite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
>
>You believe in aerial spraying of prozac.
>
>You nodded and laughed at all of the above.


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## Slim (18 Nov 2005)

ROFLMAO

How about;

When doing traffic stops ending every sentence with the word "meow!" (true story, I have frinds in West Virginia who told me about doing taffic stops and "meowing" people, just to get a reaction! ;D

My personal favourite of the moment is, while on a static traffic post, people who stop in the middle of busy interstions to tell you what a great job you're doing and tying up the road for miles behind them! :rage: Or asking for directions in the same intersection (which is worse...Especially when you find out later on that they put in a police complaint against you because you didn't stop and drop everything else just to tell them!)


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## Scott (6 Dec 2005)

here's a shot at the cops from the firefighters:

How Firefighters identify a HAZMAT Chemical using the TriCop-Scope Method:

1. Officer standing/Car running: Not hazardous

2. Officer unconscious/Car running: Toxic fumes

3. Officer unconscious/Car stalled: Oxygen displacing chemical

4. Officer/Car both melting: Acidic chemical

5. Officer/Car on fire: Extremely flammable

Play nice, lads, it's only a joke.... ;D


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## mpitts (9 Dec 2005)

Just to add some fuel to the fire a little......a little joke my wife told me. (her dad being a retired fire fighter)

How do you know you are sitting beside a fire-fighter???

HE will tell you.  ;D

Again just some light humour.


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## GO!!! (9 Dec 2005)

After pulling a woman in a minivan over for the grievous offence of driving 42kmh in a 40kmh zone;

MP: Licence, registration, proof of insurance please

Woman: I seem to have left my purse at home, all I have with me is my courthouse pass and bar association card, will that do?

MP: (backing slowly away) of course! Have a nice day!


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## Slim (9 Dec 2005)

Cute:
 POLICE HARASSING PEOPLE

Recently, the Toronto Police Services board ran an e-mail forum (a
question and answer exchange with the topic
being "Community Policing.")

One of the civilian email participants posed the following question:

"I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to
continually harass people and get away with it?"

From the "other side" (the law enforcement side) Sgt Berezowski a cop
with a sense of humor (or reality) replied:

"First of all, let me tell you this...it's not easy.  In Toronto we
average one cop for every 600 people.  Only
about 60% of those cops are on general duty (or what you might refer to
as "patrol") where we do most of our
harassing.  The rest are in non-harassing departments that do not allow
them contact with the day to day
innocents.  And at any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60%
patrollers are on duty and available for harassing
people while the rest are off duty.  So roughly, one cop is responsible
for harassing about 5,000 residents.

When you toss in the commercial, business, and tourist locations that
attract people from other areas, sometimes
you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing
10,000 or more people a day. Now, your
average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long.  This gives a cop one
second to harass a person, and then only
three-fourths of a second to eat a donut AND then find a new person to
harass.  This is not an easy task.  To be
honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in and day out.  It
is just too tiring.

What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down those people
whom we can realistically harass.  The tools
available to us are as follows:

PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to
focus on a person for special harassment.
"My neighbor is beating his wife" is a code phrase we often use.  This
means we'll come out and give some
special harassment.  Another popular one is, "There's a guy breaking
into a house" or "So and so has a grow op".
The harassment team is then put into action.

CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive.  They
like to harass the drivers of fast cars,
cars with no insurance or no drivers license and the like.  It's lots of
fun when you pick them out of traffic
for nothing more obvious than running a red light.  Sometimes you get to
really heap the harassment on when you
find they have drugs in the car, are drunk, or have a warrant.

RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police
officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as
running after them like a beagle on the scent of a bunny.  When you
catch them you can harass them for hours.

STATUTES: When we don't have PHONE or CARS and have nothing better to
do, there are actually books that give us
ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called "Statutes"; Criminal
Codes, Motor Vehicle, Liquor Act, etc...
They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess
with people.  After you read the statute,
you can just drive around for awhile until you find someone violating
one of these listed offences and harass
them.  Just last week I saw a guy smash a car window.  Well, there's
this book we have that says that's not
allowed.  That meant I got permission to harass this guy.

It is a pretty cool system that we have set up, and it works pretty
well. I seem to have a never-ending supply of
folks to harass.  And we get away with it.  Why?  Because for the good
citizens who pay the tab, we keep the
streets safe for them.  Next time you are in my town, give me a single
finger wave.

That's another code word.


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## Thompson_JM (16 Dec 2005)

another Jab at the Firefighters.... though I do appreciate all the Emergency services.


What do you call a Night shift ride along at the Fire Department?

- A Sleep Over


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## CBH99 (16 Dec 2005)

Little bit of paramedic humour for ya...

Q.  Why do the immobilization harnesses used to extract patients from cars have colour coded straps on them?

A.  So even firefighters can use them!!


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## Clay Pigeon (16 Dec 2005)

LOL!

This post actually reminded of a list called "You're in the Army when...." posted by an ex-RCR member.  Downright hilarious.  Can be found at 

http://durtydan.paintballresource.org/www.durtydan.com/ddalp/ddalpmain.html

And as an addendum to the IV drip line, it's no longer coffee.....it's Red Bull!


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## Scott (16 Dec 2005)

Murphy's Laws for firefighters:



> If it's a stupid idea but works, it isn't stupid.
> Never work at a fire that is braver than you.
> All fire fronts 1 hour away, will arrive in 30 minutes.
> Try to look unfit, they may be running out of people for the rake hoe line.
> ...



And you might be a volunteer if....



> Your two way radio transmissions all begin with "Breaker, Breaker"
> You have ever been dispatched to a working "cow" fire
> You ever put out a cow chip fire
> Your PASS alarm goes "Yeee Haw"
> ...



And just to add a jab at the other emergency services....today at work we tied one of the guys into the crapper. While he was in there we rigged up a blowgun out of some hose then filled it with talcum powder from our BA room, once this was done we hooked a Ska bottle to the whole works, shoved the business end under the bathroom door and cracked the valve!! All we heard was, "You frigging bastards!"

Frosty lives in my firehouse!!


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## The_Falcon (16 Dec 2005)

Actually Slim, what you posted is one of those Insert Police Service hear kinda deals, someone on Blueline posted it WRT to the LAPD


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## Slim (17 Dec 2005)

Hatchet Man said:
			
		

> Actually Slim, what you posted is one of those Insert Police Service hear kinda deals, someone on Blueline posted it WRT to the LAPD



Ya I don't doubt it. However my platoon sgt e-mailed it to me and I laughed for a good 10 minutes or so...And figured that if I could laugh that hard so could everyone else.

Cheers


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## The_Falcon (17 Dec 2005)

Slim said:
			
		

> Ya I don't doubt it. However my platoon sgt e-mailed it to me and I laughed for a good 10 minutes or so...And figured that if I could laugh that hard so could everyone else.
> 
> Cheers



No problem


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## Fraser.g (17 Dec 2005)

The first year that I started working in the local ER we had shirts made up.

On the front was a stylized logo of a police shield, Crossed ladder and axe of the fire department and the star of Life with Saskatoon City Emergency Services in a wreathe around the logo.

On the back was the simple message

YOUR STUPIDITY IS MY JOB SECRUITY

HAVE A NICE DAY


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## Slim (18 Dec 2005)

That shirt must have made you all popular!


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## Fraser.g (18 Dec 2005)

For the most part we wore the shirts under our scrubs. This way, those who knew, knew that we were wearing them and those who did not only saw a plain T Shirt ;D

GF


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## Slim (18 Dec 2005)

RN PRN said:
			
		

> For the most part we wore the shirts under our scrubs. This way, those who knew, knew that we were wearing them and those who did not only saw a plain T Shirt ;D
> 
> GF



In the short time I've been with the Aux a few T-shirt slogans have come to mind!


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## zipperhead_cop (23 Dec 2005)

Its the little things that make the job fun.  Like going into a white trash domestic where everyone is going nuts on each other.  The other officers are taking care of things, so you take some time to crouch down and talk to the two year old hiding under the dining room table in broken glass in bare feet and you teach him how to say "job security".  Man, you can't buy that sort of excellent irony!  No?  To dark?


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## gate_guard (29 Dec 2005)

A return shot at firefighters:

What's a work week for firefighters?

Three barbeques and a sleepover. >


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## Scott (29 Dec 2005)

Bad Cop, No Donut! (Bumper sticker seen in Halifax)


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## Trinity (30 Dec 2005)

Sorry to the firefighters......


Why do we have Paramedics?

So firefighters can have heros too.....


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## Scott (30 Dec 2005)

Wish I could slam the clergyman but my Mom would beat me and I don't fancy being hit by lightning.

+1 Trinity


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## zipperhead_cop (31 Dec 2005)

How's this one:
If you lined up all of the lawyers in the world beside each other, how far would they reach?



Just into the pocket of the guy next to them. :dontpanic:


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## Slim (31 Dec 2005)

My first traffic post...complete with the way I felt about it! (this is really me!)


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## zipperhead_cop (1 Jan 2006)

Looking good, baby!!  Truely, you are the compliant one.  I bet you were just BEGGING to get clipped so you had a slam dunk comp case, right?  You even had a camera handy, you sly devil.   ;D


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## Scott (1 Jan 2006)

Gentlemen, some insight for you.

THE RED FIREFIGHTER

There are four wheels and eight men on a fire engine.

Four and eight makes 12.

There are 12 inches in a ruler.

Queen Elizabeth is a ruler.

The Queen Elizabeth was a ship.

Ships sail in the sea.

The sea has fish.

Fish have fins.

The Finns are always fighting the Russians.

Russians are known as "red".

Fire engines are always rushin', and that's why they're red.


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## Scott (1 Jan 2006)

And a shot back accross the bow...

A firefighter walks into a bar and waves the bartender down. The fireman asks for a beer and offers to tell a joke about policemen. The bartender replies in a cocky tone, "Look guy, I'm a retired cop, that guy shooting pool is a cop, and that guy two seats down from you is a cop. Do you still want to tell that joke?" 

The firefighter replies, "No, I don't want to have to repeat it three times."


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## Slim (1 Jan 2006)

Scott said:
			
		

> And a shot back accross the bow...
> 
> A firefighter walks into a bar and waves the bartender down. The fireman asks for a beer and offers to tell a joke about policemen. The bartender replies in a cocky tone, "Look guy, I'm a retired cop, that guy shooting pool is a cop, and that guy two seats down from you is a cop. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
> 
> The firefighter replies, "No, I don't want to have to repeat it three times."



...Oh I get it :....................... ;D


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## zipperhead_cop (2 Jan 2006)

Alright then, 
Q. How can you tell when a firefighter is dead????
A. The remote control slips from his hand.

How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change the bulb and 3 to chop a hole in the roof.


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## Scott (2 Jan 2006)

zipperhead_cop said:
			
		

> How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change the bulb and 3 to chop a hole in the roof.



+1

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, the  world revolves around them :


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## Slim (2 Jan 2006)

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl riding down the sidewalk in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter’s helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walks out to take a closer look. “That sure is a nice fire truck,” he says admiringly. “Thanks, Mister Fireman,” the girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles. “Little Partner,” the firefighter says, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.” The little girl replies sweetly, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”


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## zipperhead_cop (3 Jan 2006)

Scott said:
			
		

> How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
> 
> None, the  world revolves around them :


Where is the joke? ;D


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## GO!!! (3 Jan 2006)

zipperhead_cop said:
			
		

> Where is the joke? ;D



Look into the square thingy above your bathroom sink - you'll see it soon....  ;D


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## Scott (3 Jan 2006)

GO!!! said:
			
		

> Look into the square thingy above your bathroom sink - you'll see it soon....  ;D



 :-X + 1 for GO!!


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## zipperhead_cop (3 Jan 2006)

Oh, you mean the Sacred Shrine of the Bucket Boys with the fresh baked muffins and bacon wrapped fillet minion sacrifices surrounded by a high buff polished hand carved teak frame all made on company time?  You're right, that is pretty funny.


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## Slim (3 Jan 2006)

zipperhead_cop said:
			
		

> Oh, you mean the Sacred Shrine of the Bucket Boys with the fresh baked muffins and bacon wrapped fillet minion sacrifices surrounded by a high buff polished hand carved teak frame all made on company time?  You're right, that is pretty funny.



Doesn't quite stand up to the 6 year old jelly bean dispenser(and jelly beans of corresponding age)  in the 16 Div Ready room that no one has eaten out of for years now as they're all afraid of a food product that can last that long without any visible signs of age.

To fire stations really have teak?! I have yet to be in one but now that I read this I think I'm going to angle for an invitation to lunch!


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## zipperhead_cop (3 Jan 2006)

BTW, for point of clarity, I do like firefighters.  My uncle is a Dist Chief in Toronto, and my best friend is a ladder driver in Scarborough.  They just need their balls broken from time to time.  We rip on them because we are all a little jealous of getting paid to sleep at night.
If you can get in on roast beef night you are in for a treat.  I happened to luck into a hall one night when that was the menu during the worst snow storm of last year, and it was one of the best meals that I have had in or out of a restaurant.  Home made Yorkshire puddings, honey garlic glazed carrots, fresh mashed new potatoes, the works.  Then I sat with them and watched "Gladiator" from start to finish.  They were all in bed by 10 pm, so I had to leave quietly.

You don't force your rookies to eat from the ancient jelly bean jar as part of initiation?


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## Slim (3 Jan 2006)

zipperhead_cop said:
			
		

> You don't force your rookies to eat from the ancient jelly bean jar as part of initiation?



Well...I probably fit into that catagory myself and no one has yet tried to shove the things into me.

Actually that Div tends to be my favourite one to work at as the Staff there (an ancient, wizened but kindly old bird) often gets the unit multiple pizzas after a duty...and on the 'company' tab no less.

They tell me he is retiring soon. He'll be missed. He's a good guy and treats us very well.


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## Scott (4 Jan 2006)

You donut scarfers all thought that the Timmie's soup where you could eat the bowl was gourmet before you were invited to the firehouse for dinner. 

I worked with one guy that actually owned a restaurant on the side, we used to take the engine there to raid the bread pans - mmmmm. 

I like you cops too, we need someone to make sure the engine doesn't get robbed when we're working ;D

We force rookies to eat from the sacred stash of peanut M&M's that has been around for at least five years.


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## zipperhead_cop (4 Jan 2006)

Scott said:
			
		

> You donut scarfers all thought that the Timmie's soup where you could eat the bowl was gourmet before you were invited to the firehouse for dinner.



I still think the bowl is gourmet.  I just think it should be made out of a honey cruller, instead of bread.  MMMM.  Honey Crullersssssss.



			
				Scott said:
			
		

> I like you cops too, we need someone to make sure the engine doesn't get robbed when we're working ;D



Don't worry.  When that happens for the 25 minutes/month that you average, I'll be there.  Or back at the hall stealing your soup. ;D


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## Fishbone Jones (4 Jan 2006)

Scott said:
			
		

> I like you cops too, we need someone to make sure the engine doesn't get robbed *when we're working * ;D



Ah yes, the "Evidence Disposal Squad". I can't even get there to surround the area with my tape before you guys have hosed and mopped the floor, moved the equipment and removed evidence to the bio disposal. The least you could do is take some pictures for me.


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## zipperhead_cop (4 Jan 2006)

+1  :dontpanic:
Remember the homicide on St. Luke four years ago?(guilty plea, conviction registered).  You could see that the guy was dead from the doorway (almost decapitated) but both an aeriel and pump crew* had* to walk right up and look at the body.  S/SGT Jessop was so pissed off, he had all of their boots seized for evidence so they could be checked for trace samples and have the tread patterns eliminated as suspect.  Two trucks with hosemonkeys in sock feet.  One hall out of service for the rest of the night.  One a$$blasting from the Fire Chief the next day.


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## Scott (4 Jan 2006)

Now that jab I will gladly take on the chin. We are also known as the "destroy anything in our way" crew.

The joke goes that if you were to put a firefighter in an empty, circular room with no doors and no windows and give to him two pieces of equipment that are both indestructible and leave him alone for 15 minutes, well when you came back one would be broken and the other would be lost.

A firefighter's favourite word "Overhaul" That means stress relief.


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## zipperhead_cop (4 Jan 2006)

Okay, here is a shot at someone who needs it badly:

While vacationing on a ranch, Paul Martin gets thrown from his horse, lands on a rattlesnake, gets bitten and dies because the emergency room at the nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time. So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Liberal around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says Martin.

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself. He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But, I've already made up my mind, I want to be in Heaven," replied Martin".

I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse.

Standing in front of it is his Dad, and thousands of other Liberals who had helped him out over the years---Pierre Trudeau, Jean Marchand,  Pelletier, St Laurent etc. The whole gang was there, everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.
They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.' They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to Martin with a frosty drink, "Have a Margarita and relax, Paul!"
"Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Martin, dejectedly.

"This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"
Martin takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes like himself, and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like they pulled on the GST and Free Trade promises. They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Martin steps on the elevator and heads upward. 

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate. So for 24 hours Martin is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special!
"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Pierre Trudeau never prepared me for this!"
The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."
With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Martin reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this-I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all-but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste, kind of like Sudbury. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Martin and puts an arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Martin, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank booze. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"
  ;D


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## Slim (7 Jan 2006)

Beautiful!


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## Old Ranger (8 Mar 2007)

[size=10pt]"Eat till we're Tired, Sleep till we're Hungry"[/size]

Sign on a Firehall


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## Old Ranger (8 Mar 2007)

How do you know there is a FireFighter on your Airplane?

He/She told you in the Airport.

How do you know there is a Paramedic on your Airplane?

The FireFighter stopped talking!

 ;D


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## Fraser.g (8 Mar 2007)

Why did God invent Paramedics?





So Fire fighters could have heroes to. ;D




What do you call a shift rotation at the fire hall?


Three BBQs and a sleep over.


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## Sheerin (16 Mar 2007)

Reminds me of a incident I witnessed on a rideout a little while ago.

My crew was dispatched to an apartment where a overweight individiual was complaining of massive chest pain (it was sent out as a tiered response with Fire and police attending as well).  While there the EMS crew i was with did their stuff and got ready to move the guy to the truck - fire being such nice guys carried him down the stairs.  Unfortunately just as we got to the bottom the patient lost his pulse.  So one of the paramedics turned to a rookie firefighter and said with a straight face "Now, we had a pulse in the apartment, but not down here, so we must have lost it along the way.  Go find it, quickly!".  And guess what?  The firefighter went running up the stairs while we started compressions...


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## Fraser.g (16 Mar 2007)

ROTFLOL

Beautiful! I can just see one of the medics I work with doing the same thing :rofl:


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## old medic (18 Mar 2007)

Got this one last week. It's probably made the rounds and been altered up a few times:

Four retired cops are walking down the street window shopping. They turn
a corner and see a sign that says "Policeman's Bar" over the doorway of
an entry into an establishment that doesn't look all that well kept.
They look at each other then go in. On the inside, they realize that in
this case, they couldn't judge the 'book by it's cover.'

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on
in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There seems
to be a fully stocked bar so the men all ask for a martini. In a short
time the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis - shaken not stirred, and
says, "That'll be 40 cents for the round, please."

The four ex-cops stare at the bartender for a moment, then look at each
other; they can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish
their martinis and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis
are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents but their curiosity is more than they can stand.
They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a
dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve
martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

The bartender replies, "No doubt you've noticed the decor in here, and
the outside ain't nothin' to write home about either. I don't waste
money on that stuff. But, here's my story.

I'm a retired Vancouver PD Detective and I always wanted to own a bar.
Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this
place for real cops. Every drink costs a dime---wine, liquor, beer, all
the same."

"Wow; that's quite a story," says one of the men. The four of them
sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys
at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them and
hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man finished his martini and, gestured at the three at the end of
the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, those are retired OPP members. They're waiting
for happy hour. Drinks are half-price then."


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## Mike Baker (18 Mar 2007)

:rofl:


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## duke5307 (21 Mar 2007)

Here's another one for ya!
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. 
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner, people." 

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner...NOW!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction. 

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good," chuckled the verteran policemen, "especially since this is a bus stop!"


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## harry8422 (21 Mar 2007)

i really like that one


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## Old Ranger (23 Mar 2007)

One for the Kids.

An Officer was doing Radar on a quite road near the end of his Friday night shift.
The only car that came by was just a little over the speed limit.
What caught his attention was the back seat full of Penguins!
"What's with the Penguins?  Look it's the end of my shift, just take them to the Zoo,
and I'll let you go this time." said the officer.  And the man graciously accepted and drove off.

The next week, same time, same place.  The Officer noticed the same car, with the same Penguins.
As the Officer approached the Car he noticed the Penguins had towels around their necks and were all wearing sunglasses.
"Look! I told you to take them to the Zoo!"

And the man replied, "I did, today we are going to the beach!"

As I said, one for the kids!


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## xena (23 Mar 2007)

THE EXERCISE

The JTF 2, the PPCLI and the RCMP decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.
Night falls.

First up - the JTF 2. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the PPCLI. They finish their cans of beer, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the
trainer.

Lastly, in go the Mounties, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling to themselves. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whiskey Tango Foxtrot One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the heck do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!"

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you off your rockers!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer. 

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, alright, I'm a stinkin' rabbit!"


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## George Wallace (26 Mar 2007)

BELIEVE it or not , 
These are REAL 911 Calls! 

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency? 
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. 
Dispatcher: Do you have an address? 
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why? 


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? 
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .

Dispatcher : Excuse me? 
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen Table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. 
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken? 
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it! 


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency? 
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. 
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. 
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one 
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. 
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid. 


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency? 
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart 
Dispatcher: Is this her first child? 
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband! 

And the winner is.......... 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out. 
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? 
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. 
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? 
Caller: No!
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? 
Caller: Running from the Police!!!!!


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