# Leaving Children For Training, Etc.  -Merged



## REJ (1 Jul 2005)

I am near the end of the application process. I have a thirteen month old boy that I will have to leave behind (with husband and extended family) for Basic Training and, later, all the rest of my training. I am quite sure that this is the best thing for my family over-all but the next two year period will be a rough one. I am unsure if it will just be difficult for me and my son will be fine, or if there will be some life-long repercussions because of my absence. I have all kinds of worries and hoped that there might be someone here who has experiences and/or advice to share.


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## Warvstar (1 Jul 2005)

Well a child needs its parents.. both parents. Do they have some sort of Military Housing that you could all live in? I mean when the kid was older I think it would be fine, but at his infancy it might not be so good. Sorry this is the best link I could find http://www.naturalchild.com/jan_hunt/separation.html


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## Gunner (1 Jul 2005)

REJ,

You have determined that joining the military is the best thing for your family.  Any time away from your family will be difficult on you, your husband, your child, but it is part of life in the military.  You are very lucky to have an understanding spouse and extended family that will assist while you are away.  Don't get too wrapped up in the "child needs its parents" mentaility spoken by Warvstar, your child needs a stable family environment which is being provided.  Before you sign the dotted line, make sure you are comfortable with your decision, know that your husband and family are behind you, and then go kick some ass in the military.


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## Kat Stevens (1 Jul 2005)

You're not going through anything that thousands of others haven't experienced, male AND female.  Soldiers have been leaving families behind for training, and much worse, for centuries.  This is part of what makes army brats an unusually independent bunch of people down the road, they learn about adversity at an early age...Just my $.02, as usual

Kat


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## REJ (1 Jul 2005)

Thank you for your replies. I really appreciate the input. Thanks most especially to Gunner who said what I needed to hear. Despite me wanting to always be with my son, circumstances are such that I cannot. He will continue to have a wonderful family environment with me gone for periods of time. I hope that he will still feel close to me and loved, as well as grow up to be an independent and well-adjusted adult. My husband and I had already decided about this career; I guess I just needed assurances from people "in the know" that things would be fine. So, now to move forward and kick some butt! 

Thanks again.


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## Gunner (1 Jul 2005)

> Thanks most especially to Gunner who said what I needed to hear.


   :-[


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## Warvstar (1 Jul 2005)

Im just saying wait a untill the kid is a little older read the facts, Kids needs there moms more than any other person for the first 1 1/2 years after that then you should join. our even better ask a doctor or a phyiciatrist. All you will probrally get here is oppinions, just because one is more to your liking does not mean it is the right choice. Im not saying dont do it, although it kinda sounds like that.. but rather read up on it and ask a doctor or phyiciatrist. Im only 19 but from what I have read kids really need there mom even more than there dad for the first year and a half.


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## Infanteer (1 Jul 2005)

Are you a parent?  A Doctor?  A Psychologist?


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## Warvstar (2 Jul 2005)

Infanteer said:
			
		

> Are you a parent?  A Doctor?  A Psychologist?


 Exactly, what he said. You need to talk to them. Unless someone here has experiance in any of those fields?
Im pretty sure you were asking me if I was one of those professions but Iam not. Hence my last post.


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## beach_bum (2 Jul 2005)

Hmmm.  Well, I'm not a Doctor, but I am a parent and a single parent at that.  The first time I had to leave my child was to go on a course when she was 9 months old.  It was tough, no doubt about that, but we both survived.  You are very lucky to have a wonderful support system in place.  I can't tell you what to do, and neither can anyone else here.  That is something you will need to decide on your own.  Only you and your family can make the right choice, however, there are many mothers (and fathers) who have gone on course, tours and tasks...and the kids (with a good support system) seem to make it through just fine.  Good luck.


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## x-grunt (2 Jul 2005)

Warvstar said:
			
		

> Unless someone here has experiance in any of those fields?



I do. Both personal and professional.
REJ, as others have stated your child will survive your absences but of course there are concerns, and I'm delighted to see you taking some time to investigate the possible consequences.
My unsolicited .02 is if you have the choice, it's best to wait until the little'un is about 2+ The CF will still be here in a few months! 

Every situation is different, so if you want to hash this out with a pro - always a good idea - a really good resource is the nation-wide Parent Helpline at 1-888-603-9100. It's 24/7, and you can discuss your concerns confidentially over the phone. Good resource for all of us raising kids.


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## Cansky (2 Jul 2005)

Well I'm a Mom and in the military.  All 3 of my girls were born after I joined. Yes maybe the professional will say that its more important to be around when you child are still young but there is something to be said about the strength they gather for themselves when you have to be away.  My oldest is now 7 and she has always had one of her parents apart in her first 4 years.  When my second was 18 months old I was sent to afghanistan for 6 months with no HLTA(Leave to come home).  Yes it was hard on her and I to reconnect but now the middle child is 5 and the oldest is 7 and we are extremly close.  Some of the worst parents are the ones who are always home (not all but some) and some are the ones who go away.  It boils down to the quality of time you do spend with them.  When we are home we don't go to parties or the mess unless its a function we have to attend(these don't happen to often).  We have a routine eg. Friday nights its a family supper at a restaurant, Satuarday a family movie at home.  We always eat meals at home together and we never go to bed angry.  2 years ago we were being transfered when my middle daughter fell and had a massive brain injury, my oldest now was dealing with alot of uncertainity with the move, her sisters medical condition and with starting school.  She handle it wonderfully.  Stress doesn't seem to affect her to much.  I think its because our lives are always changing with the nature of our jobs so when her life really changed she was and is still amazing.  Reallize that its about you and your relationship with you child and family.  If you teach them well and love them lots.  And always ensure the time you spend together is really quality then it will be okay.  As a mother and a soldier if you have good family support (sounds like you do) the you can have it all.  The men always have just keep it in the back of your mind quality not quantiy counts. (sorry for spelling errors but spell check wasn't working)
Kirsten


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## x-grunt (2 Jul 2005)

> It boils down to the quality of time you do spend with them.



Bingo. You nailed it right there.  Kirsten, sounds like you have done a stellar job.

Nonetheless, if the option is there, it's always better to have two parents. It is never more desireable to have one parent absent, unless that parent is a negative influence when they are home (i.e. alcoholic, anger issues, abusive, neglectful etc.)

But the reality is military families have to seperate, and it is certainly workable, esp if you put the kids needs first and your partner is 100% onboard and capable. I stand by my previous post that if it's possible, having mommy around until 2+ is best.

REJ: Here are some military parent/child resource links about seperation and deployment that you may find useful:
http://www.wood.army.mil/mwr/deploymenthndbook.htm
http://www.zerotothree.org/military/


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## REJ (2 Jul 2005)

Thanks to all of you for your thoughtful ---and thought provoking--- responses. 

REJ


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## navymich (2 Sep 2005)

Was having a discussion with some other mom's, both military and non, recently and it made me curious about others out there.  (Please read sea-going as also flying, TD'd, in the field etc).

How old is your child(ren) and how are you coping with time away from home?  

I began my current contract when my son was 4.  He is now 7.  Although it is difficult being away for extended periods of time, I find he is at a good age for this.  Don't get me wrong, no age is the _best_ for being away, but his current age works well, as he can talk on the phone to me (he's even learning the morale phone with the delays!), can send emails and mail, and understands dates of events when looking on the calendar.  He isn't changing daily like an infant, and he isn't going to run off or get into bad crowds (yet).  That being said, he is still moody, but his teachers and sitters work well with him.  My husband is also Navy, but so far he has managed to keep shore billets which allow him to be home, except for the occasional duty or short coursing.  Needless to say, it does make for some trying times when I get home and hubby is at the door waiting to run away for a break LOL.  But we are both happy in our jobs and it helps too that I want to stay at sea and not work at a desk, whereas he prefers the desk over the ship.

All that being said, how are others doing?  And what helps you reintegrate when you get back home?  

Tks


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## Junior17 (8 Apr 2007)

Hi ... I did find a topic on this from about 3 yrs ago but it was short lived and went into a new direction very quickly ... 

I just recently joined the CF and leave for Gagetown May 7th ... but ...

Here's the thing ... I have a 2 yr old daughter and my wife seems to be concerned about how to explain to her why daddy is gone and where I am and when I'm coming home.    She's also concerned about the length of time I'll be away.  She's still too young to understand what we're telling her but I know that when she gets older she will hopefully understand.

If there is anyone out there who would like to share any stories or advice I'd very much appreciate it ... as I have walked away from Army.ca with plenty of both since I've joined.

 :cdnsalute:


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## George Wallace (8 Apr 2007)

I would suggest reading some of the topics in this forum on "Deployments".  There are a lot of good suggestions for what a Spouse and Children can do during periods of separation.


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## Booked_Spice (8 Apr 2007)

Hello Junior,

I know many people may disagree with me but the Truth is probably the best way. I know that when Hubby left for the Ghan last year, we didn't know how to tell our 3 yr old daughter. We simply told her the truth in a way that she would understand. It was very effective and today she still talks about her daddy when he went to "Afghanistan to save the kids from the monsters". Children are more adaptable then most people give them credit for. They also understand more then one could imagine. Your family will realize it is hard at first but it becomes a part of life. In our case it is " Daddy went to the field" She always tells me, Don't worry mom, he will be back soon.!

Just make sure that you explain it to her in a way that she understands. 

Take care and Good luck


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## CdnArtyWife (8 Apr 2007)

It is my experience that a two year old will barely notice your absence. Not that you won't be missed, you will...but two year olds have no real sense of time. 

My children are still young (5 and 4) and it is only recently that my kids have started to notice when Daddy is away. It actually took 6 weeks from my hubby's departure for a tour in A-stan before my 4 year old realized Daddy was missed. We always explained the iminent absence to the kids before my husbands departures (for course, exercise, tasking or deployment), but I noticed that the children really only reacted to MY emotions and feelings. So as long as I "held it together" while they were awake...all was well.

Children, while young, are very resilient. If your kids grow up knowing that Mommy or Daddy have to go away for work they will treat it as fact of life. As long as both parents are fully present with the children when they are home, I don't think the kids will resent anything. At least I hope not.

Cheers,

CAW


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## retiredgrunt45 (8 Apr 2007)

Children are tougher than what we give them credit. Its the adults who fall apart and when that happens, everything goes into the toilet.

 My daughters now grown were always asking were I was going when I was deployed with the UN or just and exercise. The truth is always the best, but in terms what a 4-5 year old can understand. Believe me it gets harder as they get older. The glue that holds the family together is your spouse, in my case my wife, she was a rock. She had grown up an army brat, so new all to well what to expect.


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## Fraser.g (8 Apr 2007)

A modified truth is the best way IMHO.

When I went to the Ghan last year I explained to my 3 and 4 year old that Daddy was going to work in a "Special Hospital" because there were some bad people who wanted to hurt people and daddy's friends were going to stop them.

At those ages there is no concept of time. They live in the present, if you are gone for a while, you are gone. 

GF


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## IN HOC SIGNO (8 Apr 2007)

Several here including CdnArty wife have it right. Your spouse's reaction is the key. If she is distraught, weeping always talking about how hard it is to cope without you then the 2 year old will mimic her feelings and actions. They have no concept of time but in order for her to remember you and keep you in her thoughts send her letters and talk to her on the phone.
When I went to Cyprus in 93 I set up a map on the wall in the kitchen at their height (they were 3 and 6) and my wife and they would locate where daddy was or where he talked about in letters (no email then) by putting pins on the map. As someone else mentioned we told them it was just like going to the field.

Kids need routine and disrupting that routine can upset them a lot. My wife did not come to the bus to see me off with the kids or meet me when I came home. I went to work as normal in the morning and kissed them all goodbye. We didn't have prolonged tears or sappy goodbyes and we didn't do that when I got home either. I came home and kissed them all hello and I fit back into their routine and didn't impose myself into what had worked very well while I was away. My three year old stuck pretty close to me for the first few days when I got home but he adjusted well after a while.

When I sailed on the ships we did the same thing and it all worked very well. They were teens by then and were very helpful with Mom when I was away and accepted it as our family lifestyle.


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## riggermade (8 Apr 2007)

Here is my take for what it is worth....tell them that Daddy is away and show them their picture daily so they remember what they look like

I was a miitary brat and my father was away for 12 of my first 13 birthdays and I always knew that he would come home

When I went to Bosnia in '01 I had a 5 year old and a 1 year old....my wife always had a pic that the kids said goodnight to and when I came home on my HLTA my daughter knew who I was and it wasn't a big deal...a little harder on my son who was 5 as I took him everywhere with me but he adapted as kids do

Get on with it and keep a daily routine and they will adapt..


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## imahikergirl (9 Apr 2007)

Wow this is taking me back a few years.  When my daughter was little she would colour daddy a picture and we would walk to the mailbox and mail it or find funny miss you cards and she would colour in those.  It became a daily ritual every time he went away.  I just made sure to print address labels and by lots of stamps.  That way he would get lots of mail and she would still feel that connection.  Good luck!


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## Fraser.g (9 Apr 2007)

One night time rutine that we stuck to when I was away was, each night my kids would blow a kiss to the moon before they went to bed. I explained that where ever I was, I was looking up at the same moon and that moon would bounce the kiss back to me.

It helped them keep a connection.

As for the pics, in this world of Email, it is too easy to send updated pictures home. My oldest had one beside her bed and the younger moved her picture depending on how pissed off she was with my absence.
It started on her bedroom door, moved to the foot of her bed facing away from her, then under her bed, and finaly on the wall beside her head.

It took a crow bar to get her off my lap on my return.


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## TN2IC (9 Apr 2007)

I remember when I was a navy brat, I barely remember my dad. He was always out on NATO. When he came home, it was hard for him and myself to adjust to each other. But as a kid...after a few days of him gone. You don't even notice him gone... your more worried about getting that cool toy in day care. I just wish him and I "connected" a tad more. Now he is out with PTSD and him and I always clash until I found out.

Kids are very important. Make sure they know where the old man is. My little guy thinks I own the army. Gee..when we drove by the Armour School he thought I own all the Leopards.... ah yeah...dad owns those tanks.. just play along and enjoy parnet hood. PS. Don't tell my Armour Friends... they will be jealous. ;D


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## orange.paint (9 Apr 2007)

TN2IC said:
			
		

> Kids are very important. Make sure they know where the old man is. My little guy thinks I own the army. Gee..when we drove by the Armour School he thought I own all the Leopards.... ah yeah...dad owns those tanks.. just play along and enjoy parnet hood. PS. Don't tell my Armour Friends... they will be jealous. ;D



Or maybe ask you for a posting. 

One of my bosses a few years back told us he always told his daughter he was "going away to make penny's."Aparently she went to school telling everyone her dad made all their pennys they had. ;D


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## niner domestic (18 Apr 2007)

In our family, we are now have the surviving 4th generation of CF children.  My dad was the son of a Royal Marine who during the war, was a POW in Burma.  My dad didn't hear from his father from 1941 until 1945 when the camps were liberated.  Before my granpa left for the far east, he told my dad to look for pennies on the street and when he saw one, he was to pick it up and know that was a signal that his dad was thinking about him.  By the time my granpa got home, my dad had a whole jar of pennies near his bed and when he missed his father, he'd just look at all the pennies and know his dad was thinking about them.  (my grandma told me years later that with all the shortages during the war, that sometimes she'd have to resort to dropping a penny or two outside the close so my dad would find them.) My mom's dad was an RCHA who also was gone during the war and it was jusr expected back then for the kids to deal with it.  

When my dad joined the Navy, he used to sail from Jan until Nov every year.  Back in those days, all we had were letters, a monthly telegram and the odd phone call when they hit port.  My dad introduced the penny to his children and we each have a jar of pennies and coins by the time he got back.  Once I found a ten dollar bill on my birthday and boy, did that make me feel special! (mom carefully placed it for me to find - but hey I was 8.)  My dad would also speak to my teachers before he left and he'd get copies of all our school assignments to take with him.  When he did call, my mom would be waiting patiently to speak to her husband as he went through each of his children's homework questions with each child. Sometimes my mom would only get a few seconds to speak to dad before the call was over but for us kids, the call meant everything.  When I was very little, I used to think my dad was magical as he always knew what we were doing in school before we told him.  We would never see the ship, plane or train leave, but we'd always be there to welcome my dad home.  My mom felt that the goodbyes were too hard on the kids and I tend to agree with her. The welcome homes were always such fun. We'd make cakes, and cook like it was Christmas, all the relatives would come over (they'd end up taking us kids home with them so my parents could have their own time alone).

When it came to my own kid, there was a service couple in the works now instead of just one parent.  We had to work extra hard at smoothing things for the kid.  I introduced the penny idea as well, and once again there were always jars of pennies when we each got home.  I did the homework calls just as my dad did, we went armed with lots of story time stories to read over the phone (in our case it was recite).  When hubs was away, we'd always pick one spectacular place to visit once a week whether it be the shoreline at sunset, a forest, a farm, castles, or chalk drawing.  We felt it was important for the kid to experience good stuff during a deployment or overseas posting.  It also gave the kid something to be excited about when she got her phone call or wrote her letter.  If you task the kid now what they remember about deployments, they remember the trips and outings.  

Now we have grandchildren who have just said goodbye to dad as his prepares to do a NATO sail.  Mom is also a CF member.   Before dad left, we made a special jar to collect the pennies.  So far, they have found a penny for every day daddy has been gone.  They know that dad was thinking about them and while finding the penny, they stopped and thought about daddy.  

There an excellent book out called," A Paper Hug" which was written by an American service mom/grandmother.  We also used the idea of making and giving the grandkid's daddy a paper hug to take with him.  He did one up too.  It's a tracing of the person's hands tied onto a ribbon and when you are missing the person, you have a paper hug.  (it has to be supervised because of the ribbon for smaller kids).  

The key, I think in my family that we discovered on being able to cope with deployments etc, is that deployments are the norm.  We don't look at them as being unusual or different but rather as just part of our lives.  Now I have to admit that in our family, we've had a bucket load of experience being passed down but I can honestly say, that I don't have any angst with my dad being gone so much, my kid with me and hopefully we won't with the grandkids.


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## hoist-monkey (27 Apr 2007)

This summer my son will turn 3 and I haven't been home for one of his birthdays yet.
We just go and buy a cake and a few small presents for him and he gets to have another birthday with his mommy and daddy.

Somebody else stated in another post its usually harder on the parent being away on course or deployed, I wholeheartedly agree.

When I am not totally immersed in the books here at CFANS, I start thinking about him and the wife and I get lonely, but then I think about 
why I am doing this and it gets a little better.

My son once in awhile asks where I am and my wife tells him Daddy's at work and he just says " Oh ok, when he coming home"

I get to hear him when I call home and when he's not in a mood he will talk to me, and thats when I get all choked up.

Just talking about it makes me miss him.


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## MonicaB (6 May 2007)

I think these are all great answers.  We're in the middle of our third tour now.  The first time my husband left, we had 2 children, a 23 month old, and a 1 week old.  While it was hectic for me, it was great in the sense our two year old really wasn't aware of the time at all.    The second tour was more difficult for me, by that time we had three children and they were 5,3, and 1.  Again, the two youngest ones weren't really aware of the amount of time daddy was gone, but the oldest  definitely knew daddy wasn't around, but really wasn't able to understand why/where daddy was gone.  The third time around they are 11, 9, and 7.  In many ways, its harder for them at this age.  They are old enough to know Daddy's gone, and to know that the time seems like forever.  But far worse then that, they are also old enough to know where he is, and that it's dangerous.  We talk about Daddy all the time, they have pictures of him in there room, and they usually get to talk to him once a week.  He also sends them their own e-mails, and they love that.  I really think the deployment program in the school has made a huge difference to them, and they all look forward to going.  I'm also a firm believer in life goes on, and we carry on the same way we do when Daddy is home.  I think it makes a huge difference how we as parents react.  I try not to let my kids see me worry or stressed, because then they will worry more and get stressed.  I'm very fortunate, all 3 are in school all day, so I have time alone to deal with any issues I might have.  We also spend a lot of time talking about Afghanistan, and the Taliban.  They are old enough to ask a lot of questions, and I try to be as honest with them as I can when I answer them.  I'd much rather they come to me for the answers then get them on the playground from their friends.  When the soldiers died last month, I told our children right away, so that they would know their daddy was safe.  I certainly didn't want them hearing it on the radio or from their friends outside, because they would have, it's happened before.


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## proudnurse (19 Jun 2007)

Fellow Members...

I've been thinking on and off over the last few days, about making a post here in which fellow parents out here may be able to help. As for myself, my journey toward applying to the CF is closer than it ever has been before. I have took the time to read about the trades I am interested in, and met with one of the Recruiters at a Unit in Hamilton I am interested in applying for... 705 Communications Squadron (I did not even consider Sig Op's, but I had called them to meet with them, as I have 6 years experience working in Communications right now) My first choice is still Med Tech, Reserve Force though. I did enjoy meeting with the Recruiter for the 705 very much though, so that is my second choice! But, alas... when I really do think about it since my Nursing Degree is my ultimate goal... this is why I have put down the Med Tech as my first choice. 

Well, here is my ulitmate question. Any replies here are much appreciated or PM is appreciated very much also. When it comes down to the time where I leave my daughter who is 7 yrs old, for a short time to go to BMQ... anyones words for me would be worth their weight in gold on how to talk with your children to prepare them for when you are gone away. She is already accustomed to me being away from home alot now as it is with working several shifts a week, but I have never gone that long period of time, without spending time with her. I want to ensure that I prepare her, in the best way possible for not spending time with Mom for a while. 

Thank You as always, Rebecca


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## exgunnertdo (6 Jul 2007)

We have had a crazy kind of life, especially the last two years.  The most important thing, I think, is the attitude and behaviour of *all of the adults.*  This includes everyone who has contact with your child (both parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.)  If the children hear a whole bunch of "you poor thing, your mommy's away," or overhear the grownups complaining about how hard it is going to be on them, or whatever, then they (the children) will figure out that this situation is bad and will react accordingly.

I know when I am away, my husband plays the "bad" parent, and lets them do all kinds of things that they don't usually do when I am around.  (Like watching a movie in our bed, complete with popcorn!)  He doesn't go crazy, and it's little treats like that, not enough to corrupt them.  The biggest thing is the "sell" to the kids.  (the "don't tell mommy" pitch, but they always tell me anyway )  That makes them appreciate the "daddy only" time, without a focus on "no mommy."

Good luck.


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## Keebler (6 Jul 2007)

I spoke to a child phychologist regarding the impacts to my son while im away in basic. He is only 5yrs old and i have never been apart from him more than a two week period. So 3.5 months in basic is going to be a challenge for all, i am sure. The physchologist recommended keeping all of his routines as normal. So if he gets a bedtime story each night, to have the guardian do that for him as well. Or bath each night etc. Also to keep him active and busy so he doesnt have time to dwell on missing me as much. And she also mentioned that having some pictures taken of the two of us right before i leave and telling that anytime he misses me he can look at the picture and remember i will always be with him, that im just away for work right now, but will be home soon. My partner and i also got him his own cell phone, one of those kids ones from Telus that you can program 4 numbers into it only and he can only call them and they can only call him. That way when he misses one of us or just wants to talk he can call..and if we dont answer we will return the call when we get time. He understands that he can leave messages on our voice mail, and can call anytime.  I will be in basic and wont be able to answer all his calls if any, but i will do my best to call him as frequently as possible and to stay strong while talking to him. The child pyschologist said that the best thing is to maintain in control of your own emotions, especially if the child starts to cry on the phones. It is important for the child to not see the parent upset as he could take that in a bad context and think he caused the sadness etc. Children are very intuitive to what their parents are feeling, keep that in mind when you talk with them over the phone.


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## proudnurse (7 Jul 2007)

Thank you for your time, in sharing your experiences... very much appreciated and quite a bit of good advice to keep in mind  I'll definately be referencing back here to your words. 

~Rebecca


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## hoist-monkey (27 Jun 2008)

While, I am not actually deployed, I still will be away from my wife & son for 6 months.

My 4 year old son Noah is currently going to the MFRC daycare in Esquimalt and the MFRC is running a workshop once a week
to help younger children deal with their parent(s) deployment, and how it makes them feel.

Once a week I get a letter with some "art" from him, on top of all the stuff the wife sends, and does it ever brighten my day.

My wife says that since he started these workshops, he doesn't get as sad about me being gone and talks about his feelings
towards me being gone.

I just wanted to thank the MFRC for helping my son with understanding why "Daddy" can't be home with him.

Cheers


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## Celticgirl (11 Sep 2008)

Do any of you (CF members) find that some people disapprove of the fact that you have to leave your kids for sometimes months at a stretch while you are away on courses or deployments? If so, how do you deal with it? 

I've found that while most people are supportive of my choice to join the military and understand that the future will be better (financially as well as in other ways) for both myself and my daughter, others seem to have difficulty with the concept that I am leaving her for long periods of time to go away on training. Make no mistake - I am having trouble with the concept as well. It's not easy to leave your 9-year-old child for months at a time (as many here know)! I am going to miss her tremendously! However, the guilt I already feel is being compounded by the fact that some folks are insinuating that I am abandoning my child or that I am selfish for going away and leaving her for so long. Mostly, the comments are along the lines of "Humph! I could never leave my child for that long. I don't know how you can do it." Then there's the "you suck as a mom" look on the person's face.  :-\

My fiance is in the military and has kids, so he gets it. Most of my friends know that this is a positive step for me and will give my daughter a better life in the long run, so they are supportive. My daughter's father and his wife are also supportive, and they have offered to look after her while I'm away on training next year. So she will be with her father and his family (grandparents, cousins, etc.), not with someone she barely knows. I also feel to an extent that it is his turn. He went to England to teach for 6 years! No one said a word about him abandoning his daughter then. Now I am going to be away for a year or more (with a few trips home in between phases, hopefully) and I am suddenly a selfish and neglectful mother in the eyes of some. 

I know that I should let it roll off my back, but it does make me feel bad to hear the comments and see the disapproving looks. I can just imagine what it will be like if I am actually deployed somewhere in future years. Has anyone here experienced this, and if so, what did you say to the people who made the comments?


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## geo (11 Sep 2008)

Celticgirl,
Forget soldiers... what about traveling sales types & truckers ???
They live outa a suitcase, truck bunks.  They are away from home for weeks at a time and if they are married to a good person, then the kids will grow up to be good people.... if the marriage goes to hell, it's just as well that things come apart at the seams the sooner the better.


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## George Wallace (11 Sep 2008)

This is a common occurrence in the CF.  It has been happening for over sixty years.  The problems you are about to be facing have been faced by thousands of Servicemen and women since the 1950's.  In fact, you have better support networks set up for you today than they did way back then.  All they had were friends and family, hopefully someone within close proximity.  Today, there are many organizations within Units, and Bases, to support the Family.  

Postings in the 1950's and 1960's, for all personnel, averaged every four years.  Not so today.  You can people today who have not been Posted in twenty years.   

There are no excuses.  These are old facts of life in the CF, however, today the CF has a wide variety of support networks, that never existed as little as fifteen years ago.


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## Snafu-Bar (11 Sep 2008)

Do what's best for your family, and to hell with what anyone thinks. Family always comes first. 

 Cheers


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## Celticgirl (11 Sep 2008)

George Wallace said:
			
		

> There are no excuses.  These are old facts of life in the CF, however, today the CF has a wide variety of support networks, that never existed as little as fifteen years ago.



I don't think you understood the main point of my thread. I have accepted that this is the way it is going to be, and I am far from making any excuses. I'm committed to my new career and everything that comes with it. I just want to know how others deal with intrusive negative comments about leaving their children for long periods of time.


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## 211RadOp (11 Sep 2008)

I had just finished typing a reply, when I timed out. The long and short of it, tell them to mind there own business.


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## geo (11 Sep 2008)

CG... as I pointed out, the soldier is no different to a sales rep, trucker or whoever else lives outa a suitcase.
People don't look down on them - do they ???  Soldiers & their chain of command have done trmendous work to look after the family while you are away on course, TD OR deployed.

Your kids will grow up, they will live in a stable environment.


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## Celticgirl (11 Sep 2008)

geo said:
			
		

> CG... as I pointed out, the soldier is no different to a sales rep, trucker or whoever else lives outa a suitcase.
> People don't look down on them - do they ???  Soldiers & their chain of command have done trmendous work to look after the family while you are away on course, TD OR deployed.
> 
> Your kids will grow up, they will live in a stable environment.



True enough. I wonder if anyone reminds them of their 'parental responsibilities' when they are going away on a business trip?


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## George Wallace (11 Sep 2008)

Celticgirl said:
			
		

> I don't think you understood the main point of my thread. I have accepted that this is the way it is going to be, and I am far from making any excuses. I'm committed to my new career and everything that comes with it. I just want to know how others deal with intrusive negative comments about leaving their children for long periods of time.



I'm not saying that you are making excuses.  I am saying that there are no excuses for what is happening to members of the CF.  It is not something new, and many have gone through the same as you, over the last sixty years.  Many on this site are children of Service members who have been away for long periods.  They have not seen much, if anything, in the way of discrimination because of it.  

You have a perceived view that really is quite trivial and not worth your putting any serious worries or doubts on it.  You will do just fine, and you will have many friends and acquaintances to support you during those periods.  As I said, times have changed and members of the CF have many support networks today, that were nonexistent fifteen years ago.


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## Celticgirl (11 Sep 2008)

George Wallace said:
			
		

> I'm not saying that you are making excuses.  I am saying that there are no excuses for what is happening to members of the CF.  It is not something new, and many have gone through the same as you, over the last sixty years.  Many on this site are children of Service members who have been away for long periods.  They have not seen much, if anything, in the way of discrimination because of it.
> 
> You have a perceived view that really is quite trivial and not worth your putting any serious worries or doubts on it.  You will do just fine, and you will have many friends and acquaintances to support you during those periods.  As I said, times have changed and members of the CF have many support networks today, that were nonexistent fifteen years ago.



Thanks, George. I guess spending more time with other CF members will be helpful, too. I'm aware of the support networks and will be very grateful to have them when I am in (still a few months to go yet). I guess I do feel somewhat selfish pursuing this dream when I could have instead found a job that kept me home more, but I "went for the gold" because it's what I want. I know my daughter will be fine. I think it's me that I worry about.


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## George Wallace (11 Sep 2008)

Canada's society is very mobile and has changed a lot from the 1950's/60's.  Today's families for the most part consist of two "Bread Winners".  There are very few 'stay at home' moms or dads.  The CF, as was pointed out, is not the only occupations where you are going to see this happening.  The CF, however, has set up some support networks for military families, to help them cope with these separations.


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## abo (11 Sep 2008)

My 0.02$

Living with her other parents/grandparents your daughter will have a nice change of environment. It will be a chance for her to pick up some more life experience independent of what you've already undoubtedly provided. It might be tough for her but beneficial overall. 

In the future after you've returned from training/postings you can impart your newly learned life experiences to her. She stands to benefit doubly from you leaving.

"Abandoned" I think is an overly harsh term, especially considering she will no doubt have all the necessities and comforts in her new home. Big deal if you are not around to dote over her.


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## Eye In The Sky (11 Sep 2008)

Celticgirl,

My dad was aircrew (Argus, ASW type).  The first 10-11 years of my life he was gone more than not.  Including a 2 year posting to 404 Sqn in Greenwood from CFB Summerside, where "he was there and we remained in PEI" (4 kids in school...).  Look how I turned out!

Errr.  Wait bad example!   ;D

Seriously, I am aware of some of the back-asswards ways of thinking that come along with living with some people who have never left the province they were born in (damn island people!).  I don't have any words of advice other than this:

*What counts the most is how your daughter feels about it, that she understands why you are leaving, how long it will be for, and that you WILL see her when you can and hey, with cell phones you can talk to her pretty much every night, even if only for a few minutes.  * 

What the rest of the Peanut Gallery says and thinks is so far away from being important compared to that, they aren't even a friggin' blip on the radar.    NFI - Not F**kin' Important


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## CallOfDuty (11 Sep 2008)

Abandoned may be a harsh term, but really, when you are away from your loved ones for week upon week upon week upon month at a time...there will be many nights where you will feel like you've abandoned your loved ones.  You will question why you are laying on some crappy DND mattress when all you want to be is home in your own bed.  
    If I were being sent on a 6 month ROTO to Afghanistan, I would have to do up to 6 months of pre deployment training before I even leave for the desert. Thats a year away from home!!  I honestly don't know if my family could handle that much time apart???
  I don't want to be too negative........and of course all of us with families are doing what we do to help support them, and make life better for them.  It's definately a sacrifice.  For you and your loved ones. Things to think about I guess?


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## Celticgirl (11 Sep 2008)

George Wallace said:
			
		

> Canada's society is very mobile and has changed a lot from the 1950's/60's.  Today's families for the most part consist of two "Bread Winners".  There are very few 'stay at home' moms or dads.  The CF, as was pointed out, is not the only occupations where you are going to see this happening.  The CF, however, has set up some support networks for military families, to help them cope with these separations.



The stay-at-home moms appear to be the ones most bothered by it, oddly enough. Perhaps they are jealous of my career ambitions?    You're correct, though. The world has changed, and I don't think that people are necessarily worse off with their less-than-traditional upbringings nowadays. 



			
				abo said:
			
		

> My 0.02$
> 
> Living with her other parents/grandparents your daughter will have a nice change of environment. It will be a chance for her to pick up some more life experience independent of what you've already undoubtedly provided. It might be tough for her but beneficial overall.
> 
> ...



I need to post this on a wall somewhere! Hopefully, you are right about this being beneficial for her. I do hope that someday she, too, goes after what she wants...and gets it!



			
				Eye In The Sky said:
			
		

> *What counts the most is how your daughter feels about it, that she understands why you are leaving, how long it will be for, and that you WILL see her when you can and hey, with cell phones you can talk to her pretty much every night, even if only for a few minutes.  *
> 
> What the rest of the Peanut Gallery says and thinks is so far away from being important compared to that, they aren't even a friggin' blip on the radar.    NFI - Not F**kin' Important



She's taking it surprisingly well, actually. She understands why I am going and that it will be good for us both in the long run. She knows I will be able to talk to her on the phone and write letters when I'm in training, so that will ease the pain of the distance for both of us somewhat. She also knows that I would prefer not to be away from her for so long, but that it is a sacrifice I need to make for this job. I think that we will both have rough times next year, but we will both come through it just fine.

I just need to deal with the little bit of guilt I have nagging me and folks who give me the 'what about your daughter?' diatribe are making it considerably worse for me at the moment. The comments above do help, though! It's good to hear from people who don't think I am ruining her life by pursuing a military career.


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## Celticgirl (11 Sep 2008)

TangoHotel said:
			
		

> Abandoned may be a harsh term, but really, when you are away from your loved ones for week upon week upon week upon month at a time...there will be many nights where you will feel like you've abandoned your loved ones.  You will question why you are laying on some crappy DND mattress when all you want to be is home in your own bed.
> If I were being sent on a 6 month ROTO to Afghanistan, I would have to do up to 6 months of pre deployment training before I even leave for the desert. Thats a year away from home!!  I honestly don't know if my family could handle that much time apart???
> I don't want to be too negative........and of course all of us with families are doing what we do to help support them, and make life better for them.  It's definately a sacrifice.  For you and your loved ones. Things to think about I guess?



So, Tango, are you saying that if you were deployed, you would refuse to go?


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## CallOfDuty (11 Sep 2008)

Noooo of course not...  I signed on the dotted line, and at the time knew that it included time away from home.  But as my contract is coming closer to an end....my wife and I will be discussing what is best for our family.  
    I love being in the military so far, have met some great people, and have done some great things, but in the end I think family comes first....so I'll do whats best for them.  And if thats getting a job driving city bus....or loading airplanes or whatever...  I'll do that.
  If staying in is the best option, then I'll do that  
Cheers 
TH


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## aesop081 (12 Sep 2008)

Kids get used to it fast......My daughter's reaction to me leaving is " Who is taking care of me, where are you going and when do you think you are going to be back ?"

Days where i come home running through the door grabbing my suitcase she says " I have my phone on, i'll go stay with __________ if you dont make it home tonight"

She's only 11........


CC, the people telling you this stuff, dont deserve your time. You will be around plenty of people who live the same life as you ,who will understand. Most of those people have fantastic families. Heck, i grew up a military brat and didnt see my dad alot. It was almost a badge of honour amongst kids how we managed.


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## ENGINEERS WIFE (12 Sep 2008)

Celticgirl

After having read all these posts.  Sometimes, letting it roll off your back is easier said than done, but take your advice from people that are successful and to hell with the rest.   >
I am a military spouse and have stayed home with my daughters their whole lives. (13&10)  Their father has away a lot and so, this is life in the army.  We all learn to live with it.  It is the life I have chosen.  My kids have not 'chosen' it, I have done that for them.  My kids are some of the most well adjusted kids I have ever met.  Life is not always easy, and being able to adapt and overcome (do I sound 'army' or what?  LOL) whatever life throws at you is a really great quality.
Having a child that can make her way comfortably in the world is a great.  Having a mother that can make her way through the world confidently is an even greater gift to give to your child.  
Not knowing you or your daughter, I can read in your posts that you love her dearly and I am sure she feels the same about you.  
No distance, time or what someone else said will change that!  
If you are confident with your decision, she will sense that. 
Not too sugarcoat it, it will be hard, but, you will both overcome and come out stronger in the end.  
That is what love is all about!

You go girl!!!  ;D


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## geo (12 Sep 2008)

Umm...
I hate to say it but, while kids are most often able to bounce back and go with the flow, things turn bad when people tell them how they should be reacting to things...

Teacher tells em that they must be upset cause their dad/mom is away fighting a way.... kid gets confused and, possibly upset - created "fait acompli"


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## George Wallace (12 Sep 2008)

geo said:
			
		

> Umm...
> I hate to say it but, while kids are most often able to bounce back and go with the flow, things turn bad when people tell them how they should be reacting to things...
> 
> Teacher tells em that they must be upset cause their dad/mom is away fighting a way.... kid gets confused and, possibly upset - created "fait acompli"



So true.  Sometimes the problems lie in the Education System.  Not the System or curriculum per say, but in the people who have managed to enter the System and impress young students with their 'political agendas'.


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## Celticgirl (12 Sep 2008)

CDN Aviator said:
			
		

> CC, the people telling you this stuff, dont deserve your time. You will be around plenty of people who live the same life as you ,who will understand. Most of those people have fantastic families. Heck, i grew up a military brat and didnt see my dad alot. It was almost a badge of honour amongst kids how we managed.



You're right...they don't deserve my time and I shouldn't even be listening to them. I need to start changing the subject or walking away when I hear such comments. I am sure I won't be the only person on my courses with a family waiting for them 'back home'. A friend of mine and my fiance's is in St. Jean right now and has 3 little girls (the youngest is 4), and she's finding it a challenge but getting through it. She lives in a military town, though, so I'm sure she got plenty of support before she left.



			
				ENGINEERS WIFE said:
			
		

> Not too sugarcoat it, it will be hard, but, you will both overcome and come out stronger in the end.
> That is what love is all about!
> 
> You go girl!!!  ;D



Thanks, EW! I think we will both be stronger after having gone through this experience! As the saying goes, 'if it were easy, everyone would do it'. 



			
				geo said:
			
		

> Umm...
> I hate to say it but, while kids are most often able to bounce back and go with the flow, things turn bad when people tell them how they should be reacting to things...
> 
> Teacher tells em that they must be upset cause their dad/mom is away fighting a way.... kid gets confused and, possibly upset - created "fait acompli"



Ugh! I didn't even think of that. I will have a talk with her father and stepmother before I leave about doing some damage control if that happens. I'm not fighting any wars this coming year, so the only thing that she could be upset about is me not being here full-time. She knows I will be safe because I've told her that. No one had better tell her otherwise!


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## leroi (12 Sep 2008)

Hi Celticgirl,

Though not a member of the CF,  as a single mother, I  successfully raised two children (my daughter is now 27 and my son is 21) and was sometimes criticized for not being able to spend as much time  with them as I would have liked--I was holding down two jobs while attending university full-time. My children learned some valuable lessons; it taught the family to pull together and work through adversity. I want to share my motto with you; it helped me through some tough times--courtesy of Dr. Seuss:

_Be who you are and say what you feel
because those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind.
   _ ​
Best of luck to you Celticgirl!


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## Celticgirl (12 Sep 2008)

leroi said:
			
		

> Hi Celticgirl,
> 
> Though not a member of the CF,  as a single mother, I  successfully raised two children (my daughter is now 27 and my son is 21) and was sometimes criticized for not being able to spend as much time  with them as I would have liked--I was holding down two jobs while attending university full-time. My children learned some valuable lessons; it taught the family to pull together and work through adversity. I want to share my motto with you; it helped me through some tough times--courtesy of Dr. Seuss:
> 
> ...



Ah, Dr. Seuss...the best poet of all time.   Thanks, Leroi! Your story is wonderfully encouraging.


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## Eye In The Sky (12 Sep 2008)

Celticgirl said:
			
		

> I'm not fighting any wars this coming year, so the only thing that she could be upset about is me not being here full-time. She knows I will be safe because I've told her that. No one had better tell her otherwise!



And...being that you two have the amount of time you have to talk about, and understand (both of you ) what this time apart is all about, how swell would it be if someone said something "untowards" to her about you 'being away fighting the war" or words to that effect and your mini-me responds by saying "actually my mom is in Quebec running in the morning and learning how to march and exercising and stuff like that...so its ok..there's no war in Quebec".

 ;D

If I may...a suggestion?  If you think it would be something she would like...before you go, go to your post office, buy some stamps and buy a few of those express-post envelopes that you can fit 'little-somethings' in..say big enough to fit something the size of a folded t-shirt into...the pre-paid kinda ones.  Take them with you.  (saves you the PITA of getting them when you are busy on course...which is most of the time).  When you are at the CANEX in the MEGA, you will see they have little things you can send back to her...key chains, t-shirts, etc that have CFLRS, CF, Air Force type logo's on them.  Pick some up when you are there initially, weekly, whenever.  You'll have the envelopes already.  Once a week or 2 weeks or whenever you feel the need to (and you will), you can slip them in an express-post envelope, with a little "thinking of you/love you" note/letter, drop them in the "cart" with the outgoing mail that the CPC will deliver to the Course Duty/Marching NCO daily.  Also, you might feel the need to 'write letters' to her, but sometimes you just won't have the time.  In the CANEX, there is a rack (it used to be in front of the cashier counter) filled with postcards that have CFLRS type pictures on them;  buy 6, 8, 10 whatever.  You can write enough to fill up a postcard in what...3 minutes? (You've already bought the stamps and have them in your personal drawer in your locker ) She'll get a different one everytime...there's enough of them you can do that...(not every week will be one where you can send them...you'll be in Farn-wright some of it...) and will be tickled pink about it IMO.  Talkin' on the cell/phone is one thing...gettin' something in the mail from "mommy"?  Priceless!

This will be good for her morale...AND yours.  I suggested it to a female mom-away-from-her-kids for the first time Recruit I had back in '98 in Gagetown...it worked for her.  Sometimes, its the little simple things that can make it easier.


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## Celticgirl (12 Sep 2008)

Eye In The Sky said:
			
		

> If I may...a suggestion?  If you think it would be something she would like...before you go, go to your post office, buy some stamps and buy a few of those express-post envelopes that you can fit 'little-somethings' in..say big enough to fit something the size of a folded t-shirt into...the pre-paid kinda ones.  Take them with you.  (saves you the PITA of getting them when you are busy on course...which is most of the time).  When you are at the CANEX in the MEGA, you will see they have little things you can send back to her...key chains, t-shirts, etc that have CFLRS, CF, Air Force type logo's on them.  Pick some up when you are there initially, weekly, whenever.  You'll have the envelopes already.  Once a week or 2 weeks or whenever you feel the need to (and you will), you can slip them in an express-post envelope, with a little "thinking of you/love you" note/letter, drop them in the "cart" with the outgoing mail that the CPC will deliver to the Course Duty/Marching NCO daily.  Also, you might feel the need to 'write letters' to her, but sometimes you just won't have the time.  In the CANEX, there is a rack (it used to be in front of the cashier counter) filled with postcards that have CFLRS type pictures on them;  buy 6, 8, 10 whatever.  You can write enough to fill up a postcard in what...3 minutes? (You've already bought the stamps and have them in your personal drawer in your locker ) She'll get a different one everytime...there's enough of them you can do that...(not every week will be one where you can send them...you'll be in Farn-wright some of it...) and will be tickled pink about it IMO.  Talkin' on the cell/phone is one thing...gettin' something in the mail from "mommy"?  Priceless!



You, my man, are a GENIUS! Those are awesome suggestions, and I am definitely going to take your advice! Thank you!


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## exgunnertdo (12 Sep 2008)

Not that it helps with the nasty remarks - but another "happy thought"

Mu husband left for Bosnia when our son was 19 days old.  In fact, our son was born 5 weeks early, so he was supposed to be gone for the birth.  We got lots of "wow, can't believe he left you" kind of comments  :  And then our son was colicky for 3 months to add to the joy!

Baby boy is now almost 8, and he regularly says "Mommy, remember when I was born and I came so early cause I knew I had to come early to see Daddy before he left for 6 months and then I cried for 3 months cause I missed him?"  It's now part of our "family history" and as stressful as that time was, he has only happy thoughts about it!

Another suggestion - get her a map of Canada for her room, so she can visualize where you are.  See if you can find a picture of the Mega on the web, too.


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## Celticgirl (12 Sep 2008)

exgunnertdo said:
			
		

> Mu husband left for Bosnia when our son was 19 days old.  In fact, our son was born 5 weeks early, so he was supposed to be gone for the birth.  We got lots of "wow, can't believe he left you" kind of comments  :  And then our son was colicky for 3 months to add to the joy!



Some folks really ought to think before they plant a big foot sandwich between the ol' chompers, eh?  : Sheesh!



			
				exgunnertdo said:
			
		

> Another suggestion - get her a map of Canada for her room, so she can visualize where you are.  See if you can find a picture of the Mega on the web, too.



Another great idea! You guys rock!!  ;D


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## TangoTwoBravo (12 Sep 2008)

Celticgirl said:
			
		

> I am going to miss her tremendously! However, the guilt I already feel is being compounded by the fact that some folks are insinuating that I am abandoning my child or that I am selfish for going away and leaving her for so long. Mostly, the comments are along the lines of "Humph! I could never leave my child for that long. I don't know how you can do it." Then there's the "you suck as a mom" look on the person's face.  :-\
> 
> I know that I should let it roll off my back, but it does make me feel bad to hear the comments and see the disapproving looks. I can just imagine what it will be like if I am actually deployed somewhere in future years. Has anyone here experienced this, and if so, what did you say to the people who made the comments?



Perhaps you are reading too much into their comments?  I wouldn't go to DEFCON 4 unless someone comes right out and says it. 

I've left my kids lots of times due to the military.  I am packing right now and I just got home a week ago tonight.  My kids are bumming about it but it is part of the package.  While phone and internet service is generally much better these days, I found that personalized letters to each kid seemed to help for long periods away (like a tour).  I also explain why I am going away and try to let them picture what it is like where I am going (the nice bits anyway).

Cheers


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## Eye In The Sky (12 Sep 2008)

exgunnertdo said:
			
		

> See if you can find a picture of the Mega on the web, too.



Google Earth is your friend here...if you go to Google Earth and type in *Saint-Jean-sur-Richelieu*...

The first pic is a screen-shot from Google Earth of the Saint-Jean area.  I've circled the Garrison in red.  

The second picture is zoomed in on the Garrison itself.  I've circled The Mega in red.  Obviously its a top-down pic.  The 2 green lines indicate where the "green doors" are.  North is to the top, south to the bottom.  The north end of the Mega is A pavillion, in the middle is N Pavillion.  That is Blue Sector.  The lower part of the south end is Green Sector, in the middle of them is Orange Sector which (roughly speaking) runs NW-SE.

If/when you leave on the weekend, you leave from the Green Doors only.  Return is thru the same area.  So, you can see (judging the size of the Mega from the parking lots/cars/track to the east, etc) that if you are in A Pavillion on the top floor...the Green Doors are not just a hop-skip-and-a-jump away.  (Candidates are not authorized to use elevators.)

The rest of the outside area, you will become familiar with on PT, marching back and forth, doing the obstacle course, going to Supply, the hospital, drill halls, etc etc etc.  PT in the morning did include running the outer perimeter road of the Garrison at 0-dark-stupid at "minus-holy-fawk" in the winter temps.   ;D (indicated by the yellow line).  The yellow oval/circle to the north of A Pavillion is the area where we did the warm up/cool down.

Nothing like Google Earth for doing a preliminary recce of your objective  ;D.


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## Celticgirl (12 Sep 2008)

Eye In The Sky said:
			
		

> Google Earth is your friend here...if you go to Google Earth and type in *Saint-Jean-sur-Richelieu*...



You're just all about the Google Earth, aren't you?  ;D  Thanks, Eye. I will just be happy if I can find that green door I'm supposed to go in on the first day!


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## Eye In The Sky (12 Sep 2008)

Celticgirl said:
			
		

> You're just all about the Google Earth, aren't you?  ;D  Thanks, Eye. I will just be happy if I can find that green door I'm supposed to go in on the first day!



Thats too easy!  When you go thru the main gate, the Commissionaire's there will tell you (1) where it is {you can actually see it from the main gate...} and (2) and where to park your car while you go check-in at the Green Desk.

OR

If you don't take your car...your cab will drop you off right at the curb, 20 feet from the door to hell.


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## TCBF (13 Sep 2008)

- Reminds me of a movie: "Behind The Green Door."

 ;D


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## Celticgirl (13 Sep 2008)

Eye In The Sky said:
			
		

> If you don't take your car...your cab will drop you off right at the curb, 20 feet from the door to hell.



As a former instructor, I figured you would be a little more encouraging about what we are going to experience. Can't you Romper Room it up for us a bit?  8)


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## MamaBear (13 Sep 2008)

CelticGirl,

You've been a Mom long enough to have figured out that when you gave birth to that child, the baby came out....and the guilt went in!  Mothers are plagued with guilt no matter their choices in life.  Moms who stay home feel guilty because they aren't offering their child the opportunity to be more independent, and Moms who work feel guilty for the opposite reasons.  Guilt - another word for Mother.  And we are not bashful at all in trying to deflect our guilt onto others.  That is why there is such rampant whispering and gossiping between moms on playgrounds, playgroups and school yards.

But what counts right now is how you feel.  And since pain only comes when we perceive truth, no matter how large or how small, your pain is coming from you right now.  You need to work out your own feelings, be confident in you as a mom.   If necessary do a balance sheet - things that make a great mom and things that make you a crappy mom.  And once you realize just how wonderful a mother you are, the guilt will disappear.  Because in your heart of hearts, you will know that you'd never do anything to leave your child hurting in any way, shape or form.

Moms have such power - don't give yours away to other people.

Hugs,

MamaBear


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## Eye In The Sky (13 Sep 2008)

Celticgirl said:
			
		

> As a former instructor, I figured you would be a little more encouraging about what we are going to experience. Can't you Romper Room it up for us a bit?  8)



Ok..try this version then...

If you don't take you car, your pleasant staff, who are mostly concerned that you don't hurt yourself moving your luggage to your room, which they have personally cleaned and prepared for your arrival, will be there to greet you.  They usually have a warm smile on their face, shake your hand (oh I won't lie!  Some of them hug you as they laugh, happy for your safe arrival!) and usually introduce themselves something like "Hi, I am Bobby.  How are you?  Was your trip ok?  Is there anything I can do right now, to make you feel better about this whole experience?"  To be quite honest, most of the instructors are men, much like the man portrayed here in this movie.  It should give you an idea of what to expect from the folks who await your arrival....

From there, your guided tour of the Mega begins with a glass of wine in the Bistro, of course, matched up with some delightful treats cooked up by the always-pleasant kitchen staff, who awake every day fresh and revived, grateful for the opportunity to cook several more meals for the entire garrison, thankful to play a part in the development of those who make our nation stronger.  Following refreshments, candidates are then shown to their suites, where the staff (thankfully) have already moved their luggage to, knowing that their newly arrived troops are weary from a day of excitement, travelling and anticipation.  Of course, the wine, now doing its job of relaxing the new arrivals, makes the next part of the day all the more easy for everyone, as students then enjoy a brief yet fitful rest before dressing for dinner, served promptly at 6 (after the cheese and wine 'meet and greet').  After a devine 6 course meal, all are invited to the theatre, to enjoy some entertainment, accompanied by the Senior Leadership of the Garrison and School...

 :blotto:


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## HItorMiss (13 Sep 2008)

Reminds me very much of what I have heard CANSOF selection is like.....  ;D


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## Eye In The Sky (13 Sep 2008)

...but I am betting the wine is of a better vineyard and the caviar is Sevruga (_from the Caspian Sea, of course..._) and obviously not something weak and disappointing, such as creamed smoked roe...


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## HItorMiss (13 Sep 2008)

Well when you have the budget they have.....  ;D

It's not so much wine though I hear it's Crystal Champange in the obligatory crystal goblet


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## NCRCrow (13 Sep 2008)

Found this article on WIKI:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_Culture_Kids

I am an Army Brat and my kids are Navy Orphans, but we wouldn't have it any other way!


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## Celticgirl (13 Sep 2008)

MamaBear said:
			
		

> CelticGirl,
> 
> You've been a Mom long enough to have figured out that when you gave birth to that child, the baby came out....and the guilt went in!  Mothers are plagued with guilt no matter their choices in life.  Moms who stay home feel guilty because they aren't offering their child the opportunity to be more independent, and Moms who work feel guilty for the opposite reasons.  Guilt - another word for Mother.  And we are not bashful at all in trying to deflect our guilt onto others.  That is why there is such rampant whispering and gossiping between moms on playgrounds, playgroups and school yards.
> 
> ...



MamaBear a.k.a. Dr. Phil...you are so right. It is more about my own guilt than about others' judgmental attitudes. I have to stop giving my power away. 




			
				Eye In The Sky said:
			
		

> Ok..try this version then...
> 
> If you don't take you car, your pleasant staff, who are mostly concerned that you don't hurt yourself moving your luggage to your room, which they have personally cleaned and prepared for your arrival, will be there to greet you.  They usually have a warm smile on their face, shake your hand (oh I won't lie!  Some of them hug you as they laugh, happy for your safe arrival!) and usually introduce themselves something like "Hi, I am Bobby.  How are you?  Was your trip ok?  Is there anything I can do right now, to make you feel better about this whole experience?"  To be quite honest, most of the instructors are men, much like the man portrayed here in this movie.  It should give you an idea of what to expect from the folks who await your arrival....
> 
> ...



Well, now, that's more like it!!

 :rofl:   :dontpanic:


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## Celticgirl (13 Sep 2008)

HFXCrow said:
			
		

> Found this article on WIKI:
> 
> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_Culture_Kids
> 
> I am an Army Brat and my kids are Navy Orphans, but we wouldn't have it any other way!



Crow, the article above seems to focus mainly on kids living in foreign countries with their parents, military or other. Do you foresee an OUTCAN posting in my future?


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## NCRCrow (13 Sep 2008)

YES, the magic eight ball says so.

The focus of the link was to show that this is not a new concept. (GW already alluded to this)

Think of the single mother in the Navy who sails 270 days a year. This is not a tour but a sea going posting and the norm for 3-6 years depending on the trade/rank etc.

Stop worrying and get on with your training, it will all fall into place.


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## armyvern (13 Sep 2008)

TCBF said:
			
		

> - Reminds me of a movie: "Behind The Green Door."
> 
> ;D



Ahhh, a fellow dinosaur I see.  8)


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## tutorisland (25 Sep 2008)

I have a family and will be going into training as an officer for EME after basic and wonder how much chance there is to pick where you go? I would like to work in BC.

If posted somewhere else, would it be in Canada? Will there be any relocation assistance? I don't mind selling the house; I would like my family near. How often would I see my family after all training has been completed? 

Just trying to get a sense of the work life or more specifically home life for an EME officer, if anyone can share this info or direct me, it would be greatly appreciated.


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## geo (25 Sep 2008)

Ummm... these are questions you really shoulda been asking to the recruiting people...

If you are Franco, then I can almost guarantee you that you will be posted to a place in Quebec
If you are Anglo, then I can almost guarantee you that you will not be posted to Quebec.... but, you will be posted to the place the CF needs you the most.... be it BC or Newfoundland.

Would you be given relocation assistance - you betcha

How often will you be in a position to see your family... pert much any night you have your PC & camera fired up... but, seriously, you will have the oportunity to go visit.... at your expense, once your course is over... or when your course gives you some time off.... at your expense.


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## tutorisland (25 Sep 2008)

Thank you geo


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## aesop081 (25 Sep 2008)

geo said:
			
		

> If you are Franco, then I can almost guarantee you that you will be posted to a place in Quebec



Not so fast Geo.

When i joined there were 23 of us who graduted our QL3 in Chilliwack and all of us were francophone. 10 of us went to Petawawa, 1 stayed in Chilliwack, 1 went to Gagetown and the rest to Valcartier. When i was at 1 CER we got a few franco guys gets posted in. 2 that i have in mind were so franco we had to send them to english language trainin just so that i could stop having to translate every O group.

Being franco doesnt guarantee a posting to la belle province.


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## Armymedic (25 Sep 2008)

I do believe that almost a guarantee is the best way to say it....

I would also say, bet on it.


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## aesop081 (25 Sep 2008)

Prairie Dog said:
			
		

> I would also say, bet on it.



That is the advice i got back in 1993.........i lost that bet.


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## geo (26 Sep 2008)

Never said it was guaranteed.... Note how I skillfully inserted that catch all "almost" 8)

There is and will continue to be the "needs of the service".  So, even if the language issue isn't a perfect fit, you might have to be sent there - cause of larger holes to fill in one unit VS another.


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## The Bread Guy (29 Oct 2008)

*Battlefront vs. homefront: What happens to kids when parents go to war? 
Coming up on Your Voice, TVO's Web-TV series for parents *
TVO news release, 28 Oct 08
News release link

When the men and women of Canada's armed forces are deployed to conflict zones, what battles do their loved ones - kids, spouses and families - face on the homefront? On Remembrance Day, Tuesday
November 11, 2008 at 9 pm ET at www.tvoparents.com, Your Voice, TVO's Web-TV series for parents, presents a special Remembrance Day edition taped at Canadian Forces Base Petawawa that offers unique insight as to how kids and families cope with the everyday, challenging realities of being left behind.

Children of soldiers deployed in Afghanistan must deal with long separations and the fear and anxiety of losing their parents. Your Voice goes on the road for the first time ever to CFB Petawawa to hear about life from the inside of a military family when a parent goes to war. What is it like for the children and spouses of soldiers? Host Cheryl Jackson will talk with parents, kids, psychologists and teachers. Guests include:

    <<
    -  *Charmaine Tedford, who lost her husband, Sgt. Darcy Tedford, in
       Afghanistan in October 2006.* She talks about the pressures of single
       parenthood following her husband's deployment and how she and her
       daughters came to terms with his death.

    -  *Michelle Belec, a children's deployment support program coordinator at
       the Petawawa Military Family Resource Centre*, an organization that
       supports individuals and families within the military community. Belec
       does critical incident training and works directly with kids and
       teachers.

    -  *Veletia Richards, a teacher at Pinecrest Public School on the base in
       Petawawa.* Richards has two school-age daughters and her husband served
       in Afghanistan for eight months last year.
    >>

    Parents can share their experiences on this topic with other parents in the chatroom at www.tvoparents.com. (The program will be repeated on TVO on Sunday November 16, 2008 at 6 pm.)

    For interviews or for more information, please contact TVO Communications.

    About TVO

    TVO is Ontario's public educational media organization and a trusted source of interactive educational content that informs, inspires and stimulates curiosity and thought. TVO's vision is to empower people to be engaged citizens of Ontario through educational media. 

For further information: Media Contacts: Angela Garde, (416) 484-2600 ext. 2305, agarde@tvo.org; Anne Rubenstein, (416) 484-2881, arubenstein@tvo.org


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## the 48th regulator (8 Nov 2008)

http://www.tvo.org/cfmx/tvoorg/tvoparents/index.cfm?page_id=483&event_id=1945&sitefolder=tvoparents

When Mom or Dad Goes to War
How do children of soldiers cope? A special presentation from CFB Petawawa, near Ottawa. 11 Nov 2008 9:00 PM

A show which was filmed at CFB Petawawa a couple of weeks ago. It's going live to the net on Remembrance Day at 9 p.m. ET and then will air on TVO the following Sunday at 6 p.m. The internet show is viewable anywhere in the world. Viewers can go to www.tvoparent.com/yourvoice to watch on Tuesday or afterward in archives.

dileas

tess


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