# How do the families cope during a tour? Tips and pointers for first timers.



## Franko (6 Aug 2005)

Well this is ze frau and my second tour and I am now deployed overseas now. I know it was tough on my wife during the first one. It was for me as well.

6 months isn't easy....no matter how many times you've done it.

So if you have any pointers on how to make the time bearable, put 'em here.

Any good things happen or horor stories / hard times....put 'em here.

For all the spouses who read here and lurk...you know who you are. Speak up and be heard.

Looking forward to the posts.

Regards


*Note: I've been back a while now, but many leave on other tours all the time. Let's give the spouses of other first timers a hand.*


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## Armymedic (6 Aug 2005)

3 tours in 4 yrs...My wife and I might have a way....

Now, for the next tour in Kabul, this might not apply as well because of all the changes of facilities. But it is in the communications. Make it your priority no matter how busy you are to get onto the phone or internet, or heck even pen on paper and talk with your spouse. You may only be entitled to 35 mins of phone a week but internet email time tends to be unlimited. There is also opportunities to use MSN  and Yahoo Messengers. If you have home computer set up accounts for both you and your wife on both MSN and Yahoo.ca...if one doesn't work, guaranteed the other will.

Try to keep positive as much as possible, your spouse will want to unload there frustrations onto you on the phone. No matter how bad or busy your day has been, Theirs day or frustrations are much worse...after all you get to leave the place you are in...they live where they are. Never hang up angry or upset, if you can help it. Always end your conversation with you and your wife's magic words to each other, whatever they might be. Always end your conversations like it may be your last. It may just be....

Also for both keep busy, if they work then encourage them to continue working. If they are a stay home parent, make arrangements for them to visit home for a month or so opposite your leave, or arrange for your leave together near your family. If you can, ask her to join a club, or Curves and get with a group of friends who will support her in going...If you're close to a base, the MFRC is a good place for your whole family to go see before you leave.

There is so many permutations of things you could do that we could go on forever..


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## Roy Harding (6 Aug 2005)

My first tour in '88 was a year in length - with one trip home.  We had CFARS for domestic voice comms (for those that don't know what I'm talking about, this was the Canadian Forces Amateur Radio System, which involved patching your call through ham operators around the world), and spotty postal service.  Absolutely NO personal calls, except in dire emergency, when your spouse was required to go into Rear Party and use military lines from there.

My next three tours had limited phone comms, and postal service.

My last tour had "limited" phone calls (based on phone cards, which not everybody used up, so you could always get more phone time if you desired it), email, and postal service.

Of the three methods (phone, email, and postal service), I found actual letters to be the most satisfying.  You could read them again and again, put them away for a while, then read them again.  The fact that they were usually accompanied by a "goodie" package of some sort was a bonus - including the memorable time my wife included a pair of "sexy" panties which she promised to model when I brought them home - the panties fell out of the parcel in full view of my troops (most of THEM being married women themselves), and caused no end of hilarity regarding the Warrant's sexual proclivities.  Good clean fun all around!  Anyway - the only problem with written mail was its' inherent lack of immediacy.  

We (my wife and I) found telephone comms to be the LEAST satisfying - despite it's immediacy, there was (for us) a tendency to try to squeeze all the current domestic "crises" into the call.  Whether the washing machine was broken, or the car had a flat, or whatever it was, that's what ended up being discussed.  This usually left me feeling incredibly useless and impotent (in its' more pedestrian sense), as there was nothing I could actually do for her.  It also led to some hurt feelings when for one reason or the other one of us didn't make the scheduled timing for the phone call.  For me this meant hearing the phone ring and ring, wondering why she wasn't there to answer it, despite our previous planning - was she hurt?  didn't she care anymore?  Silly, I know, but these things _do_ go through your head.  In her case, it meant ensuring that her schedule (not to mention three growing boys' schedules) were bent around these times, and when I couldn't call she was reduced to waiting for the phone to ring, wondering similar thoughts.  On my last tour, we used telephone calls only for quick reassuring calls - if I knew something was going to be in the news, I'd phone just to tell her that I was fine, and that an email would be on the way as soon as I got the time.

We found email to be a satisfying compromise between letters and phone calls.  It had immediacy, could be read at a time of YOUR choosing, could be saved and re-read at your leisure, and you could more easily express complicated and complete thoughts without the annoyance of satellite lag.  You could ALSO edit what you said prior to hitting "send".  This saved me from making some pretty stupid remarks from time to time - I have a bad habit of being "quick with the lip" - and you can't take back what you've said during a phone call.

It might also be worth mentioning that during my wife's tour, I was the one remaining home waiting for the phone calls (she didn't have email on her tour), and I have a complete understanding of what it's like on BOTH ends of the deployment home front.

All in all, if I were still in and deploying again, I'd rate email as the medium of choice, interspersed with "goodie" packages once in a while - _especially_ if those packages occasionally contain sexy underwear!!


Retired CC


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## Franko (6 Aug 2005)

Good points Ash and Retired CC....

I've used many during the last tour and will be using them again during this one as well.

The reason I put this topic up is there are ALOT of spouses out there who are lurking and are begining their first tour alone.....without a clear sounding board to voice their concerns and get a clear picture of what they can do to pass the time and help keep the spirits up of their loved one's who are away. Be it with care packages, letters....or the sexy underwear.

Again, great points. Keep them coming.

Regards


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## Springroll (6 Aug 2005)

Coming from the spouses side of the fence, I have a pretty simple list of things that can be done by both the member and the spouse.

Member list
*Email at least once a day. I found that I needed to know that my hubby was ok and what was going on with him. Those emails helped us to keep together without having to hear each others voices all the time
*Listen when we are venting to you. It gets very frustrating not having someone to vent too, and we do understand that your job is hard, but we have nobody here to vent to when you are gone.
*keep the love letters coming. My hubby would hop on his laptop whenever he had a free minute and would write a bit of a love story. I would get a few pages once a week and it made me feel like he was still here with me
*remember the kids. Those kids go through alo0t when you are gone. Please take the time to send them the odd email note too, it means alot to them.

Spouses List
*let your hubby(or wife) know how important they are to you and that what they are doing makes you proud...they need to hear it once in a while
*Keep the kids active. It will keep you sane if you get them involved in simple activities, even ones set up by the MFRC
*Make some new friends...you need to so that you can keep "running on full" Go to the MFRC and talk to the social workers there about meeting up with other new spouses in the area.
*take up a new hobby. I took up beading, some like to paint, do crafts, whatever, just take on something that will keep your mind busy.
*and on those lonely, and sometimes cold nights, spray your spouses cologne or perfume on their pillow. It will help to comfort you on those nights that seem to never end(make sure you do not wash their pillow case since their own body scent is on it and that mixed with their cologne or perfume will make it actually smell liekthem)


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## Roy Harding (6 Aug 2005)

Springroll has some good ideas.  Having been on both sides of the deployment home front, perhaps I can offer further tried and tested methods.

When my wife was deployed (email wasn't available then), I went to the local card store and bought a whack (about thirty at a time) of those silly little "thinking of you" cards.  Some had little messages printed in them, most were blank.  EVERY morning, while drinking my coffee, I'd put a little message in one.  Sometimes the message was nothing more than "I'm thinking of you", sometimes it was a short tirade regarding what HER boys had done.  I had printed a bunch of labels with her address on them, so I'd slap a label and a stamp on the envelope, and mail one every day on my way to work.  The labels were important - it cut down the time required (I have LOUSY handwriting and printing the address LEGIBLY would have been a time consuming task - meaning it wouldn't have been done some mornings) to get the card mailed.

Once a week, the boys and I would put together a little parcel (my wife is a cheezies freak so a big bag of cheezies was always included) with little stuff - knick knacks, funny little toys, things the boys had made, and a letter which I had added to in the evenings throughout the week.

My wife still has all the cards and letters - they make for an interesting read and a little bit of "family history" now and then.  She also ALWAYS received mail, EVERY mail call - one of the few who did.

When I was deployed (on those deployments before email), my wife was not as (I'd say methodical, she'd say anal) about this communication, but she always sent at least one letter a week, which she added to on a daily basis.

Now - for me at least, the important point of doing this EVERY day at the SAME time was that it enabled me to concentrate on JUST her for a few minutes of the day.  It enabled me to NOT obsess about her absence, thinking incessantly about her and constantly wishing she was home.  The boys and I got on with our lives without her, and didn't "wait for Mom to come home" before celebrating anything.  In other words, we lived our lives without her, and included her ONLY for those few minutes in the morning and evening (in my case) and when putting together those weekly parcels (for me and the boys).  It meant that although she was absent, we weren't mired in, and obsessed by, the hole she left in our lives.

More to follow later ... I hear my non-methodical, non-anal sweetheart wondering why the spare bedroom hasn't been painted yet.



Retired CC


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## Springroll (6 Aug 2005)

Retired CC said:
			
		

> Once a week, the boys and I would put together a little parcel (my wife is a cheezies freak so a big bag of cheezies was always included) with little stuff - knick knacks, funny little toys, things the boys had made, and a letter which I had added to in the evenings throughout the week.
> 
> My wife still has all the cards and letters - they make for an interesting read and a little bit of "family history" now and then.   She also ALWAYS received mail, EVERY mail call - one of the few who did.



We did ther parcel thing too with the last deployment, even thoguh it was only 6 weeks. We always throw in the basics like laundry soap, body wash etc, but I always made sure I added some sweets in there. The last parcel we did had a toothbrush, paste, soap, 10 bags of chips, and 3 bags of those yummy chocolates. I always send extra snacks because there are those single guys in his rack area that don't have anyone to send them anything, so it always makes them feel special that someone was thinking of them. I also put in a small toilet humour book and another small book full of brain teasers(he likes those). Each kids did a small craft for daddy and a carde and I sent him a sappy card. All of it fit into those chip boxes that you get the snacksize bags of chips in. We wrapped in in racing car wrapping paper, but with the white side out so that if followed regulations.

He got his parcel the day they pulled back in....really ticked me off, but he kept all of it on ship for the next time they were going back out to sea.

Those parcels, and those little things you do, really do make a difference.

Now, retired CC, how did you and your wife keep things strong when you both are service members?
With me joining now, i am worried that hubby and I may drift,a nd I don't want that to happen. That is really the only concern I have...


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## Roy Harding (6 Aug 2005)

Springroll said:
			
		

> ....
> 
> Now, retired CC, how did you and your wife keep things strong when you both are service members?
> With me joining now, i am worried that hubby and I may drift,a nd I don't want that to happen. That is really the only concern I have...



If you're going to "drift", you're going to "drift".  The military will not cause the drift, it will only accelerate it.

As I said in another thread, the military will not make a weak marriage strong, and it will not make a strong marriage weak.  It WILL, however, make a strong marriage stronger, and a weak one weaker (to the point of termination in many cases).

Having both spouses in the military, especially when both are usually in field units (as was the case in our marriage) does add stresses to and expose previously unknown fissures in your relationship.  The "secret" (which is no secret to anyone in a succesful relationship) is to confront these stresses and fissures TOGETHER and figure out how to overcome them.  It also helps to remember to whom you owe your FIRST loyalty - if that isn't your spouse, then get divorced now, and marry the Army (not necessarily a bad choice for some folks).

More to follow, after I've had a chance to gather my thoughts into a more coherent package.

Retired CC


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## Roy Harding (7 Aug 2005)

As promised, Springroll - my thoughts follow.

Married Service Couples.

As promised earlier, I've gathered my thoughts, and will give you what (limited) wisdom I can based on personal experience.

Firstly â â€œ it's important that you understand the personal background involved.

I joined the Army (regular force) in 1977, at 17 years of age â â€œ I was infantry and was sent to Dundurn as, basically, a labourer supporting the Militia Concentration taking place at that place that summer â â€œ I imagine this was some â Å“summer taskingâ ? that my Battalion needed to fill.

The regular force Station Warrant Officer (also known as a â Å“Base Chiefâ ? or â Å“Base RSMâ ? in other places/times) in Dundurn was an Engineer MWO, who happened to have two daughters (the plot thickens!!).

During one of my regular JR's â Å“incidentsâ ?, I was placed in custody, after having struck the Camp Orderly Corporal.  The â Å“Duty Field Officerâ ? that night was none other than the Station Warrant Officer.  One of the duties of a Duty Field Officer is to check in on incarcerated folks to make sure they're OK (not committing suicide or some other nefarious activity).  The MWO in question took a shine to me (for reasons that remain unknown â â€œ unfortunately he has now passed on and cannot be asked), and invited me to lunch at his PMQ later that week.

I attended his PMQ and had lunch, and met his daughters.  The younger one was just 18 and had recently graduated high school.

Three months later, the younger daughter moved in with me â â€œ there's a lesson here for Fathers of daughters who meet dashing young soldiers â â€œ the lesson being NEVER take a â Å“shineâ ? to a dashing young soldier and invite him home!!

Anyway â â€œ in 1980 the Army and I had a mutually agreeable parting of the ways.  I became a civilian, and married that MWO's younger daughter.  We set up house in Calgary, and I became a house painter â â€œ life was good.

Flash forward a year â â€œ the western â Å“Boomâ ? had gone â Å“Bustâ ?, my wife was pregnant, and I couldn't get enough contracts to keep us in Mac and Cheese.  I sashayed down to my nearest Reserve unit and boldly said â Å“I used to be in the Army â â€œ any chance of getting on full time here?â ?  A voice from the back answered â Å“Well, yes there is â â€œ can you type?â ?  Well, as it happened, yes I could (another long story not worth getting into â â€œ suffice to say that I gained an extremely satisfying career because of my lousy handwriting), so I joined a Reserve unit, and acquired a â Å“Class Bâ ? contract.  A year or so later I took the plunge and re-joined the Reg Force as an Adm Clk.

I progressed quickly, and my wife gave life to three sons â â€œ all of whom continue to astound me and make me proud.  By 1985 we were in Petawawa, I was in the Airborne (wanna test your marriage? â â€œ THERE's a challenge to it) and my wife began looking for work outside the home.  I went off to Iran/Iraq for a year, and when I returned, my wife had progressed up the chain of her job to a supervisory position.

We (I) was posted to Edmonton, I received another promotion, and life was good (for me).  She, on the other hand, was unemployed, somewhat disheartened, and a little envious of my career.  One day, as a joke, I said something to the effect of â Å“if it bothers you so much, why don't you do what I'm doing?â ?  Much to my surprise, within a couple of months she was at the Recruiting Centre.  I came home one day and she told me that she was going to Cornwallis in February (1991, as I recall).

OK â â€œ so after a bunch of drivel we're at the start line of the discussion.

This became a huge bone of contention in our house.  Having been around for a while, I was well aware of the â Å“shenanigansâ ? that go on when folks are away from home.  I was worried about it.  

Had I ever participated in said â Å“shenanigansâ ??  No.  So what made me think that SHE would?  I dunno â â€œ insecurity, I guess.  You need to understand, I am ugly â â€œ SHE is beautiful!!

Off she went to Cornwallis â â€œ then to St Jean for Language Training, then to Borden for QL3.  She was having the TIME OF HER LIFE!!  And there I was, stuck at home, â Å“Sergeant Momâ ?, taking care of three kids and having a busy career at the same time.  This was INTOLERABLE!!

Then a magic thing happened â â€œ she was posted back home.  She talked the talk, she walked the walk.  She had a DEEP understanding of what I (not to mention, her Dad) had been doing all these years, and she SUPPORTED me when I needed to be away from home â â€œ hangin' with the troops, on tasking, whatever.  I was able to do the same thing when SHE needed to be away on tasking, course, etcetera.

Over the years we developed a deep respect for each others professionalism.  One of the highlights of our life together was when we did a pairs Jungle Lane together â â€œ she was awesome in her reactions â â€œ I (being a better marksman!!!) killed what was left when she was done â â€œ it was heaven.

Being a senior rank, I often offered advice (USUALLY only when asked for) regarding bureaucratic BS she ran into.  I was ALWAYS careful to not be the Sr NCO to her Jr NCO at home â â€œ that way lays trouble.  Did I sometimes become clumsy and overstep my bounds?  You betcha.  Did she occasionally lump me in with the Sr NCOs at work she was having trouble with?  You betcha.  These battles sometimes went on for days â â€œ it wasn't pretty.  Did we eventually work it out and realize that our professional relationship shouldn't interfere with our private one?  You betcha.  And when it sometimes did, did we forgive and forget?  Absolutely.

Over the years, I deployed many times â â€œ she only once (which does remain a somewhat sticky wicket at times).  During our deployments did I worry about â Å“thingsâ ? back home (or overseas)?  Yes â â€œ absolutely.  Were they â Å“realâ ?, continuing fears?  Absolutely not.  Should you be alarmed if you're having the same fears?  Depends â â€œ are you a jerk when you deploy?  If yes, then yes; if no, then no.

I don't know how many times I can say this â â€œ the military will NOT make a weak marriage stronger, it will NOT make a strong marriage weaker.  It will, however, absolutely destroy a weak marriage;  And in my opinion and experience it will make a strong marriage STRONGER.

I'd be more than willing to explore this subject more deeply â â€œ but without specific questions, I cannot provide specific replies.

Good luck to both of you â â€œ be strong, have faith in each other â â€œ you'll be just fine.  And just think â â€œ when you're retired (like us) you'll have MANY, MANY interesting and unusual experiences to rehash with each other.


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## Springroll (7 Aug 2005)

Thank you for your INCREDIBLE reply!!!
I will admit now that orginally I was a little worried, but you have set my nerves at ease!!

I grew up in a very military family, so for me, all of this is second nature. My hubby grew up with mom at home and dad working in an office as a manager.

It has been my dream for about 13 years to join the army, and now that ym kids are a little older, and my husband has 9 years behind him, I feel now is my time to start doing what I want to do. 

Again, thank you for your wonderful reply.  ;D :-*


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## Kris (8 Aug 2005)

This is my second tour right now.  My husband has been gone on courses and work up training since Jan.  We find the internet to be the best to keep in contact.  We have a 18 month old and my husband is really hates being away from us so much and missing out on his FIRST things.  

We have a webcam and he gets to see him on there and we can see him when there is a camera on his end.   He saw our son take his first steps on the webcam.  His phone calls are limited to 30 mins a week, so he calls ever few days to say hi and talk to our son so that he doesn't forget dads voice.  It also give you something to look forward to each week.  The phone call from dad.    I try to suprise my husband when sending him parcels.  He said there is nothing like getting mail.  He just received on the other day and I said I hope you get the other one before youget home and he was like there is more coming ;D.  I was like yeah there is.  

All and all on any tour and being away from someone for a long time, writting a short email everyday or a phone call once a week is the best thing in world.  As for the one being stuck at home you need to keep yourself busy.  Take up some kind of activity or join a club.  Just take it one day at a time.


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## infantrygf (8 Aug 2005)

It is relay hard when my bf goes away for training, especially now that he is doing field stuff and has no phone or access to anything, I don't know for how long.  Writing letters is a great help in getting us both through the week. I write them to vent my day and reminding him how much i love and miss his silliness, and reading them for him keeps moral up, after a long day of death marches in the lovely Meaford weather.

Finding a job helps allot, it keeps your mind busy and off him or her, I'm working as a book keeper right now so I'm getting lots of reading in to .  

As for the military comming betwen us, I to was worried the first week he left, what is this separation going to do to our relation ship.  The first time he came home though we were so happy to see eachother, we had a great weekend and became totally open with eachother, about or probelms etc. Because we knew that when he went back we wouldn't get  chance to relay discuss things.  So it made us open up and lay everything out on the table, instead of keeping it to ourselves, it made us realize just how much we need eachothers support and advise.

For those military family's that don't have kids to keep the spouse at home busy and to keep them company. Get a Little puppy, they are almost as distracting as children, they are awesome for those lonely nights, and they'll kiss you to death in the morning. Kittens although not as affectionate nd needy as puppy's are good for keeping you company to.

    -Sarah


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## kimmie (9 Oct 2005)

I've been lucky in the aspect with dh hasn't been overseas yet but has spent the bulk(at least half) of our relationship on taskings and courses. He's only had one 6 month tour and that was in Alert. Everyone above me has made some great comments. Some even I have to be sure and try and follow. It's nice to hear from members what makes them happy as often times dh forgets to tell me. 

A couple of nice ideas I have heard from another site I am on(www.themilitarywife.ca....end of plug, hope it wasn't too shameless) are if you have kids(and even if you don't) fill a jar with some sort of small candy(ie. m and m's, jelly beans...whatever) totalling the amount of days mommy/daddy will be on tour. Each day eat one candy. Now you have something tangible where it can be seen how soon that person will be coming home. And a few more can simply be added without detection if the tour runs a little longer. 

Another is to make 2 identical stars..one for those at home and one for the parent going overseas. That way you can hang one up in a window at home and one in the barracks, tent, whatever. Now everyone has the same star to stare at at night and feeling a little like they are not so far away from each other. 

Take pictures of the deploying spouse/parent in all parts of the house. Pin them up when the member is gone and it feels like they have never left(sorta..... :-\)

This one is kind of a different take on the candy one. First you fill a large jar with with Hershey's Kisses and Hugs, then you have your spouse blow a few kisses in for good luck. When he or she is gone and the need arises, you go to your jar and retrieve your very own magic Kiss or Hug! 

And I have found this one tried and true, while some people do a daily countdown, I have found that to be minorly depressing..some times it seems like soooooo many days. I prefer now to countdown a specific weekly event....garbage days, a favorite tv show, a certain activity you/your kids do like a sport or music class, and so forth. The time seems to fly by much faster. DH is currently away on tasking and I have just tried this one.

And having friends and support on both sides of the issue are important. It is out there, you just have to look. It took me a long time to find it but now that I have I don't know what I'd do with my "sister-in-laws". 





_(edited on behalf of the poster. You're welcome Kimmie. -pc)_


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## NavyGirl280 (10 Oct 2005)

Just a thought of my own ...

My husband has been posted on the Iroquois now for 3 years. I, myself, am in the process of joining the reserves. I would much rather the reserves. I shouldn't be posted ... and transferred to where my husband would be posted. Once I have a few years under my buckle, if everything goes well, I can put in for a transfer into regs. However, right now I believe this is the right choice. I know Springroll personally and I believe her and her husband are strong enough to go through this together. I go in Thursday for my medical, CFAT and interview. I am nervous, excited and scared all at the same time. I'll let you know how I make out. 

Until next time, take care

S.Bradbury


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## NavyGirl280 (10 Oct 2005)

Wow ... I read one reply and was totally sent in the other direction ... LOL

I have been with my husband for 2 years now and he hasn't been to sea since I met him. He had just returned home a couple weeks before I met him. They are scheduled to sail next August and to be honest, I don't know how I am going to handle it. I am so close to him. I was aware he would be sailing when I met him but nothing can really prepare you for the first time they leave. Nothing can really prepare you for when they leave anytime. I know it's just as hard for him. Keep your close friends close and your CF "family" even closer. They will be the ones to understand in times of need. If they haven't already been through it, they are going through it for the first time with you. The resource centre has plenty for you to go attend and read up on. Make full use of their services. I say this now, however, I am sure when my husband leaves, I will be a scared little mouse hidden in a corner somewhere for the first few days. This I can't let happen as we have 2 small children at home. Take care


S.Bradbury


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## Springroll (10 Oct 2005)

NavyGirl280 said:
			
		

> Wow ... I read one reply and was totally sent in the other direction ... LOL
> 
> I say this now, however, I am sure when my husband leaves, I will be a scared little mouse hidden in a corner somewhere for the first few days. This I can't let happen as we have 2 small children at home. Take care
> 
> ...



Well you know you can call me if you need any help or support or just a chick to come over to snuggle and watch movies with  :-*. 
I've been through it all before and am now a weathered veteran when it comes to having to get things going on my own. Up to the first week is the hardest, for any trip, be it a 2 week or 6 month. You have to find your groove and some days that can seem near impossible, but you do find it, trust me.

The kids and I have printed up countdown calendars in the past and it helps them out alot, plus it helps them with number recognition(for younger kids). I also like the idea of the sweets jar and I have a very large crystal jar that we have also used in the past. Everyday, before bed, the kids would get one M&M each. When we got to the point where we could see the bottom, we would count how many M&M's we had left and that was how many more sleep to go til dad was home. My husband also emailed the kids a couple emails each per week just so they knew that daddy was thinking about them and missed them too and I would read them their email as they were snuggled into their bed. 

Hugs!


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## NavyGirl280 (13 Oct 2005)

Springroll said:
			
		

> Well you know you can call me if you need any help or support or just a chick to come over to snuggle and watch movies with   :-*.
> I've been through it all before and am now a weathered veteran when it comes to having to get things going on my own. Up to the first week is the hardest, for any trip, be it a 2 week or 6 month. You have to find your groove and some days that can seem near impossible, but you do find it, trust me.




Thanks "Chickie" for all of your help and support through everything. I know I can get into my "groove". I've had to do it when he went to BC for a month last year and I know I can when he has to go to sea this year. We have toughed it out so many times and I know our marriage is strong enough to get through it. 

In the meantime, I am having so many debates on this whole CFAT issue. I took my test this morning and was told I couldn't go for RMS CLK but instead was offered cook or steward. There is nothing wrong with these trades, however, I want to be in a trade I will be "happy" in. I know .. how do I know I won't be happy unless I try it. I don't think it's something I want to gamble with as I am aware of how hard it is to change trades once you're already in. I was told I would have to wait 3 months to redo my test if I decide not to take the offered trades. I was told your marks don't mean **** when doing the test because they will only take the "desired" number of people for a trade and the rest are handed substandard trades to make them believe they did poorly on their test and cannot fill the "requirements" for the other trade requested. This was information given to me by a former army reservist. I am hoping he is wrong. Yet, he is a good friend and I know he wouldn't lie to me. They did this to him and ended up leaving the reserves because he was given a trade he didn't want to be in and thought he had no other choice. Anyway, that is a debate in itself. 

Thank you Lis for everything and expect a phone call from me when the hubby's gone to sea      :'(

S.Bradbury


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## Franko (15 Oct 2005)

Well there are some really good ideas here.....thanks for taking the time to jot down some really good pointers.

Good to see that there are some people from other sites frequenting here.   

Regards


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## Shadow Cat (17 Oct 2005)

My Dh has been gone for six months and a week and we are looking at anywhere from another 7 months to 22 months of seperation to go.  YUCK!!  The great thing, if there is anythign great about, our seperation is that he is only gone on training so we get to talk as much as we want to pretty much whenever we want to.  DH just left after a week home and took our second computer back with him so we will be able to communicate through email and MSN as well now.  YIPPEE!!

I have done the packages, the letters and the countdowns and I have found them all to help.  Like Kimmie said though little countdowns dont seem as bad as the long ones.  Right now my countdown is for XMAS and I dont even want to think about 2006, 2007 and possibly 2008 right now.  I find it just way to stressful and brings on severe anxiety problems.  lol

I have also started writing in a journal about things that I am feeling but havent shared whether it be that I have forgotten or I do'tn want to worry my DH with my "problems".   He has enough stress on his plate and I don't want to add more to it.  The journalling has really helped me and I hae now given a nice journal to my DH, who partakes and I have the children partaking in this as well now.  It seems to be helping us.  When my DH and I get together we read each other a few entries.

I have also started to allow my dog to sleep in bed with me on the nights that I feel like snuggling.  I know that she isn't my DH but she is large enough to snuggle to give the illision.

I try to keep myself and the kids busy.  The MRFC is always putting things on for families that are seperated and it has helped me to meet other families that are in the same position, so has www.themilitarylife.com.  lol  Sorry had to get my plug in there.  

I have done some house repairs and I am starting to get into the full swing of crafts again.  It is all just to keep my body and mind busy.  If they are busy you can't dwell on the lonliness that is surrounding you.


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## Springroll (17 Oct 2005)

Shadow Cat said:
			
		

> I have done some house repairs and I am starting to get into the full swing of crafts again.   It is all just to keep my body and mind busy.   If they are busy you can't dwell on the lonliness that is surrounding you.



If you are ever needing any help, just pm me. My hubby is perfectly capable to doing some house repairs for you(I am voluntelling him too  ;D ) and if you ever want to have a cup of tea, do the same. I am usually available evenings and weekends since I am now working.(BTW we are looking for another toddler teacher!!)


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## Shadow Cat (18 Oct 2005)

We never did get together did we?  Man you are like five minutes from my house as well.  We should plan to get together maybe Saturday morning at the Tims for a coffee, what do you say?

Thanks for the offer of your DH.  So far I have done everythign from drywalling, which than produced mudding, replaced a bathroom sink and some eay stuff like painting, fixing cupboards, yard work and of course car maintenance.  I am learning lots of new things and I think after workgin with the plumbing I would love to be a plumber.  Coudl you imagine, me a girly girl doing plumbing lol.

Um what do you mean toddler teacher?  Do you mean that you babysit?  If so I am no longer in that range as my children are 13 and 11 now.  YIKES!  I feel old, really not but I do feel it.


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## Springroll (18 Oct 2005)

Saturday at Timmies sounds good to me!! I'll pm you my number.

I also feel old since I have an 11, 7 and 4 year old at home, but I am working at a learning center in Burnside. I seem to have a gift with the kids, so my boss stuck me with being the toddler teacher. It was tough at first becauser the kids didn't have any structure, but now that they know what is going on, they are better behaved and definitely more exhausted when it comes to naptime!

I told the other teachers that I tie the kids to chairs and make them listen to Yanni for hours, thats why they are so well behaved and well mannered now... ;D


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## Shadow Cat (18 Oct 2005)

Ahh I understand that comment about the toddler teacher now.  How about a preteen attitude adjuster? Are you interested. lol.

I work outside of home as well.  It is part of what keeps me sane while my Hubby is away.  I am a Transaction Coordinator for the city.  I am not really looking forward to leaving my job but being with my honey at some point is of more interest to me.

Send me your digits and we can arrange to get together at say what 9?  I hope that you are a morning person.


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## Springroll (18 Oct 2005)

I am a morning person, so 9 works perfectly!!


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## army.gf (24 Nov 2005)

wow, so many great ideas! I especially like the one of having a "star" at home and giving another to them to have on tour so you can both be comforted by it.
   When my boyfriend is in the field for long periods, i like to create an e-mail diary. Where I send him an e-mail for everyday he is gone explaining what i did that day and my thoughts and feelings. We found that this works especially well, because he is kept up-to-date on the things happening at home, and when we do get to speak there isn't a lot of catching up to do. He also said that coming home to an inbox full of e-mails from me is a nice treat!


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## military granny (14 Jan 2006)

My son is leaving in nine days for his first overseas mission.How did all you parents feel the first time?


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## Franko (14 Jan 2006)

Well, I can't comment because I'm not in the same situation.

Mind you I'm in Afghanistan on tour....and believe it or not, my mom and dad still get a bit worried. Only natural I guess.

So my question to you is:

How are *you *dealing with it? Have you talked about your concerns to him?

Do you have a plan to keep his moral up during his deployment?

Regards


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## RoeRoe (14 Jan 2006)

Well, this is my first time posting my opinion, my husband is on tour now, he has 2 months left.

  I have gotten through the tour ( barely) by keeping in contact very regularly with him, emails, phone calls ( although not enough), letters, and I send him regular care packages.  The care packages are GREAT for their morale as well.

  Just remember while your son is there, if he goes a few extra days without calling or emailing, don't let your imagination run away with you, the phones are most likely down or he is just too busy!!!!  

  My last piece of advice is prayer, if you are a religious person, keep him in regular prayer, it will give you peace.

  All the best to you and your son.


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## military granny (15 Jan 2006)

Hi Franko and RoeRoe
Well my son and i talk daily right now, and before he found out he was going to "the gan" we talked about twice a week. So yes he definitely knows of my concern. I guess I'm dealing with the situation in a lot of different ways, I try to keep busy and I also know quite a few guys hes going over with so I know they will look after one another. As for the time hes gone we have a very large family that all have his mailing address and know the rules for letters and parcels so he should be flooded with mail and care packages. He has told me to keep in contact with our MFRC which from what I hear is a very good one. Thanks for your info.


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## Mike Bobbitt (19 Jan 2006)

If you can plug yourself into a military community that would help as well. The MFRC is the best place for that, but there are also many other options, ranging from ad hoc meetings to online "chat" groups like this one. Stay involved and stay informed, it's the best way to understand what's going on and the more you understand, the less will be mysterious (and possibly worrysome) for you.


Cheers
Mike


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## punkgirl (7 Feb 2006)

Hello everyone, I am kind of new at this... My boyfriend has just left for a 6 month tour in Afganistan. It has only been 3 days since he has left and i miss him like crazy. This isn't his first time away. When he started his basic training he was really fast tracked through the whole procedure. He did his 10 weeks of basic then straight on to his SQ and BIQ. It was a whole 7 months that he was gone. When he came back we had 2 weeks together and then he was off for a field course in wainwright, for a total time away of just under 10 months. I have told him when he comes back that it is going to take me awhile before i want to lend him back to the army for another tour! I am just finding it a bit harder to keep my mind occupied this time. Before i lived in the same city as my parents but since the liberal government closed down the military base in Calgary 12 year (or so) ago, i have moved to the city where he has been stationed, Edmonton. I have my job but i don't really know anyone in the city, and i can only hang out with work people so much before i will go stir crazy. Does anyone in here live in Edmonton? Anyone have any ideas on how i can meet other army "wives" ? thanks for your help   

And i really liked the candy in a jar count down idea... if we are lucky enough to have kids i am going to keep that one on hand


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## Randy (7 Feb 2006)

Get in touch with the Edmonton MFRC.  They should have a deployment support coordinator who can put you in touch with the local spousal support group and/or unit homefront organisation.  You are not alone.

Randy


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## Elisha (8 Feb 2006)

Hey there are a few ladies from Edmonton on a variety of different websites.  I am from Edmonton, there are a few of us that meet for coffee every once in a while.


Elisha


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## punkgirl (8 Feb 2006)

Anyone from edmonton that will be going to the pot luck update for the families on Feb 26?


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## camochick (11 Feb 2006)

Is your bf with 1Vp cause my husband is 1Vp and he is in a-stan. I dont know if i am going to go to the potluck thing, but I will tell you that the first battalion family support is really great, so any problems or issues you have (other than taking out the garbage or shoveling the driveway) they can help you with. If you PM me I will give you my email addy if you want to chat sometime.


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## TN2IC (15 Feb 2006)

This is a great topic... my hats goes off to whom came up with this topic... great read... keep it up....

thanks for the info,
My wife and I were a little left in the dark, until now.
Thanks.


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## Booked_Spice (15 May 2006)

I just read through this post, So I wanted to bump this up.

My husband is currently in Afghanistan right now. Since this is our first tour, there have been ups and downs. I would like to hear how many spouses are out there currently on this ROTO. I also would like to see how everyone is doing. We are half way there...... ;D


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## swahili (15 May 2006)

My husband is also overseas. The past six months have been VERY long. He left beginning of December but was gone a few weeks before hand for training and the such, so it makes it feel very very long! 

Before his leave, I didn't really send any packages or anything.... was too busy feeling sorry for myself and concentrating on staying sane while finishing up school and dealing with him being gone, to focus on anything but me! (haha)

But - after the leave, I began sending packages about every other week, of different things including books/magazines he subscribed to, croos-word type books, and the ALL IMPORTANT, Junk food. They have some stuff available there but - not the same so I was sure to send over things like pringles and chocolate (though it can melt) and tons of other stuff too, including some joke gifts which he liked.... 

We also were able to communicate fairly frequently by MSN or emails. Without those, I don't know how he or I would have made it through it all! haha - well, I'm sure we'd have made it through, we just found it made it a bit easier... 

The most important thing is that, we have told ourselves from the beginning, we'll be there to help one another through thick and thin... we've had both good times and bad times since he's left but - we're staying strong... and - that has helped us more than any care package, MSN conversation or phone call 

swahili


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## Booked_Spice (22 May 2006)

Couping with a tour.....

Well, plenty of Beer ( LOL) No in reality though , for those spouses who are going through a rough time. Here is my story...

This is our first tour and with 2 little ones it was hard at first. However, my advice would be is go to every function that the rear party or MFRC offers. This is where you go to meet people who are going through what you are. I am very lucky to have met some great ladies who understand what I am going through and we have helped each other through some rough times. Plus they bring me BEER.. LOL

If you have children here is some ideas.
We placed a huge world map on our playroom wall. We placed stickers of where Daddy is and the rest of our family. This helps our 3 yr understand. Every day we do a project or picture for Daddy and send it to him.
I never try to give the kids a date when Daddy will be home because you know the military dates change all the time and I don't want them to be upset if Daddy doesn't come home on the date that we first set.
Also, use deployment childcare if it is offered at your base. This gives you some much needed me time.
I also involve my children in the care packages as much as possible. My little one loves candy so she always sends her Daddy a whole pile of it. It does help that Hubby loves his junk food.
We also use our video camera alot and send Daddy lots of messages and put them into his care package.
Also prior to leaving for deployment Hubby made a some messages for the special dates that he would miss. He also made some messages for our little ones when they went through a rough time. So when the kids are feeling blue, I pop in a message and it cheers them right up just to see their daddy.

I also try to keep the children busy and mommy too.. Between Gymnastics, swimming and anything else I can get them into, it helps.

But the biggest thing I have to say. Is if you need HELP.. ask because there are other people going through the same thing you are and we are there to help each other. Even if it is just to vent away. I have also found this site very helpful and the chat room provides some much needed laughter. 

Just realize that their are going to be some good days and bad days and take it day by day and drink plenty of BEER LOL...


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## shaunswife (24 May 2006)

WOW there are alot of great ideas here.  my dh is currently on tour, and this is his first.  we have 4 children, and its hard, on the both ove us.  while i try to be here for him nd listen to him, when he calls, its hard to stay strong all the time.  they say to stay busy and keep the kids busy, we do that, but it dosnt make it easier, just makes me more tired.

ill keep cjhecking for ideas

ang


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## Booked_Spice (14 Jun 2006)

Well since we have received an extension in Afghanistan, I wanted to start a post for the newbies for upcoming tours. I got this idea from another site. This was my first tour and I have learned alot and usually the hard way. So I figured I would start a thread so maybe some significant others would not have to go through what I have. Please feel free to add comments. I would like to have a perspective from deployed members as well.

1. Get a Power of Attorney. You never know if you will need it or not.

2. Make sure you yourself have a Will as well as your significant other.

3.Make sure you significant other has insurance. I believe it is only 12 a month for 400 000 through SISP. ( this may sound negative but is very important)

4. Sit down with Significant other and find out what they want to do with a funeral ect. God forbid something happens. ( This is a very tough conversation but it needs to occur)

5. Make sure that all Bills, insurance, car are in both names. This helps if something were to happen.

6. Make sure you know how everything works before tour. Like how to add oil to the car, Lawn mower ect.. Like in my case.

7. Attend all pre deployment functions. They provide some usefull information.

8. Get to know some of the spouses in your Significant others company. I find that this was helpful because they understand what you are going through.

9. If you have children, Use Deployment childcare if it is available because you will need the break.

10. If you are planning on travelling with your children, get a note from your partner giving you permission. Get one just in case. It saves alot of hassle.

11. Tell your kids the truth about the deployment. I have found that my three year old daughter understands more about this deployment then most Adults.( but this is a personal choice)

12. Attend all functions of the REAR party or MFRC. This is a great way to meet new people who are going through what you are going through.

13. Do not hesitate to contact the rear party. They are there to support the family's. 

14. If you watch the news like me, Keep in mind that sometimes it is not factual and usually you will be contacted first if something were to happen to your spouse. ( Usually)

15. If you need help. ASK. Because you are not alone.

16. Do not let your kids guilt you ( like mine does) I miss my daddy she says when she wants something she is not supposed to have.

17. Read about the cycle of emotions for Deployment. Do not be surprised that you will find that you are fighting more with your spouse a couple of weeks prior to the tour. Sometimes in our mind we find it easier to say Good bye when you are mad at one another. This is all part of a cycle and you can pick up information at your local MFRC.

18. Remember the first time you say good bye. Is really hard but the separation gets easier as days pass.

19. When sending packages to your loved ones. Involve your children. It makes them feel better. In my case my daughter makes a craft everyday for her daddy and she puts a whole wack of Dora stickers on the box. He always knows which package is for him.

20. Get a video camera and tape all of your child's firsts and such. It helps make your spouse feel that they have not missed out on your child's accomplishments.

21. If you have a ZOO like me, try to go to the vet prior to deployment. It is easier to do with two sets of hands then just you. Try doing that sometime. 2 kids a dog and 3 cats to the vet. It is an experience.

22. For my kids I have placed a huge world map in their room and placed stickers on where Daddy is and where they are. I feel that this helps them understand.

23. Always try to stay positive on the phone when they call home. They have enough to worry about then hearing you having a mental breakdown.

24. Personally Hubby likes to hear the bad stuff in an email because he feels that he is still apart of everything. ( this is also a personal choice)

25. Involve your kids in all sorts of activities. It helps pass the time and they have something to look forward to.

26. Do not be surprised that you do not hear from your significant other if they are outside the wire all the time. Sometimes they can't access a sat. phone.

27. Have a list of all numbers that you may need on the fridge. Rear party, family etc.

28. Have a support group or person in place. Because sometimes you just need to vent. Like me in chat.

29. If you have questions, even if they are stupid do not be afraid to ask. I ask the most stupid questions, lots of members of this site will testify to this.

30. Try never to fight on the phone or MSN because you do not know when you will be able to talk to your spouse again. ( I stole that one from CAMO)

31. Don't sweat the small stuff. If you need to have a good cry then do it. Because it will make you feel better ( I stole that from Military Granny)

32. Just remember when they leave everything in your house will break and your kitchen will rain, your cat will die and one will run away.( in my case) But you can handle it.

33. Educate yourself on everything. One example is PTSD ( hopefully you will not have to use it)

34. Just remember you are not alone. There are other families going through the same thing you are and lean on each other.


Well that is all I can think of right now. I need some more coffee but I will post more when my brain wakes up.


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## Booked_Spice (14 Jun 2006)

35. Keep yourself busy and go on with life. Do not let the tour be your life.


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## Booked_Spice (14 Jun 2006)

36. This is for members being deployed. My hubby set up personal messages on our computer through our Web cam. HE made one for mothers day, one for when the kids were driving me baty. He also made them for the kids. This helped with the separation from their daddy. There are days that my Daughter watches it over and over again.

37.In regards to sending packages. I sent a package 2 weeks before hubby went on tour. He liked this idea because he received it shortly after he arrived in Kaf. Send packages at least once a month. Just getting something from home helps your spouses Moral.

38. Remember when sending packages it can take usually 4-6 weeks depending. So Plan earlier.

39. Camo gave me this idea, if you want to have your package there earlier, you can express post it to Belleville. Camo says that her hubby usually gets it in 2 weeks.

40. Read about what you can send and what you can't send in the packages. I usually send energy bars, Fruit to go,Oatmeal bars and the new Nestea packages for water. The rations can be hmm pretty boring if your hubby has to live off it for a month of a time.

41. This goes along with packages. I made a pillow case with our pictures on it. You can buy the transfer paper. Hubby loves with it and never leaves without his pillow.

42. Don't expect to receive alot of mail from Hubby or letters. It takes even longer for the letter to come back to Canada. His letter took 3 months for 3 lines on Field paper. Oh got to love my hubby.


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## military granny (14 Jun 2006)

43. Do Not count days till their return. use paydays, weeks or months. Counting days will make it feel like forever

stolen as well.lol


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## Booked_Spice (14 Jun 2006)

My Brain is working.. HE HE HE HE



44. Do not count on dates for anything. Coming home dates because they always change at any given moment. Usually a 6 month tour means 6-8 months. So do not be surprised. Also do not give your children a date because they will be dissapointed if Daddy or Mommy does not show on that date. I usually give an estimated time or I prefer not to tell them. An example would be on leave. My daughter had no idea when hubby was coming home. We were at the airport ( too young to understand) thinking we were going out for dinner. Then she saw her daddy and I think the look on her face as she was running to him screaming for him. Made it worth it.


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## muffin (14 Jun 2006)

adding with Spice's permission 

45. (if I may  ) ... I like countdown things for the kids that I can "increase" if necessary - ie: Jellybeans in a Jar or cutting links out of a paper chain. 

That way if he is extended - you can "add a few more", and they shouldn't really notice/

46. Remeber they are finding it hard to be away too - and they will be just as afraid coming home as you are taking them back in. This is normal, like the pre-depolyment squabble.

47. Consider phone calls a treat - if you count on them you will be twice as sad if you miss one - and you will miss out on a lot waiting by the phone.


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## Booked_Spice (14 Jun 2006)

Going on what Muffin has said

48. When they do come home from HTLA or from the tour, do not expect them to just jump right in to help out. My hubby said when he came home on leave he didn't know what to do because I had a set schedule with the kids. After a few days adjusting to civi world he took on his duties.

49. Be Patient when they come home on leave or at the end of tour. Remember they have been away a long time and it takes a period of adjustment for them, your kids and yourself.


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## Booked_Spice (14 Jun 2006)

50. Your spouse will probably reveal some sensitive informaton during the tour. Respect this and keep it to yourself because of security concerns.

51. If the media contacts you and you do not feel right in speaking with the media. Just say "No comment" or contact the rear party in what you can say and what you shouldn't say.


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## Booked_Spice (14 Jun 2006)

52. Another important point. Make sure you get your passport and your kids passport. If anything happens you will want to be able to lfy without any hassle. AS well is your spouse needs to sign the passport papers.


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## aesop081 (14 Jun 2006)

53.  if your significant other, upon the first morning after his/her return from overseas, makes the decision to have a beer at 930 am and you witness this, dont jump down his/her throat........he/she's just doing it because he/she can ( no beer or "2 beer per day per man")   ;D


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## paracowboy (14 Jun 2006)

Just so everyone is aware, I am going to prune this thead ruthlessly, so please don't post anything but further advice IF you are a member or spouse with deployments behind them.


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## Booked_Spice (14 Jun 2006)

54. Make sure that you have spouses Service number and Social Insurance number memorized or documented somewhere. This is easier for when calling the rear party or if you have any issues concerning pay or benefits.

55. Make sure that your spouse has signed all Medical and Benefit papers that you will need during a 6-8 month deployment.


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## camochick (14 Jun 2006)

This is the original post the idea for this thread came from. This was something I wrote early this morning as a reflection of lessons learned during my first tour. Just thought I would share it with you all.  :-*


Well, the tour is winding down now,and I see that alot of people are getting ready for the july 06 tour and the Feb 07 tour. This was my first tour and I've learned alot and thought I would pass on some advice to those who may be doing this for the first time. 

Get the power of attorney. Even if you think you'll never need it, get it anyhow. You never know what may come up. 

Make sure things are in both names. I had an issue getting insurance on a truck I didnt own and it created alot of paper work for me and the rear party. If he had a car before you and it's in his name, get him to write a letter saying that you co own it. Same goes for phone bills, power bills,etc. They usually won't talk to you unless you're on the account because they are fully enforcing the privacy laws. 

Never be afraid to call the rear party. Just because you think your question is stupid, doesnt mean they will. They are there to help and in an emergency they can usually get your husband on the phone in a short amount of time. (If your rear party isnt very helpful, make sure someone knows, they are sapposed to be there for family support) 

Go to the family deployment meeting. They have lots of information and can answer any questions you may have. 

If you don't already know, ask your husband how to do things that he normally does. ie put oil in the car, start the lawn mower, where the insurance papers are hehe etc. It can be frustrating when you cant find something or do something because you've just never done it before. 

If you're planning on using tour money to save for something get a seperate account to put it in so the temptation to spend wont be there. The pay is higher and the temptation is greater hehe. 

Don't be surprised if the tour pay doesnt kick in for a month or so. You will get back pay for that time, but sometimes the paper work isnt done in time. 

Also don't be surprised if the date is moved back for the home coming. A tour that they say is 6 months can easily turn into seven. 

There might be some tension at some point from you or hubby in your phone (or msn) convos. Try not to get off the phone mad because it could be awhile until your next call and the guilt will make you crazy. Husbands often forget its not easy back home either so sometimes they don't think before they speak.Sometimes you have to remind them that being at home isnt always a cake walk. 
That being said, he is also under alot of pressure and tension, so try and remain as positive as you can. If you witch him out the whole call, this will be all he remembers and he is in a dangerous place. Perhaps, alot the first few mins to the bad stuff and then move on. 

If your husband is going to be outside the wire alot, remember that he wont always be able to call on a regular basis. Try not to let it freak you out. They just don't always have access to a phone. 

If you're a news junkie like me, remember sometimes you have to turn it off so you don't go mental. If the military hasnt contacted you, then it wasnt your husband involved. 

Take care of yourself. Try to maintain a sense of regularity. 

The first day they leave, will probably be one of the worst. Emotions are running high and anything that can go wrong usually will. But it will get better, I promise. 

I suggest not counting days, but counting weeks or pay checks or something that won't be so overwhelming. 

Never be afraid to ask for help. There are alot of great people on these boards who have been through this and who will step up and give a hand. Also , friends, family, neighbors, might be a place to turn too if you really need something. 

Stay busy. It will make the time fly. 

A bad day is just one bad day and it will get better. Just because you hit a parked car in the grocery store parking lot (hehe yeah that was me) does not mean the world has ended hehe. 

Remember that you can do this. Even when you're ready to run away and never come back, you can do it. It's surprising how many things you can do that you didnt know you could (like fix things that fall apart, and they will fall apart when he leaves hehe), and the sense of pride you get is pretty cool. 

Try not to make the tour an obsession. Sometimes it's hard to talk about anything else, but it can and will make your friends crazy at some point. 

Remember that not all people will understand what you are going through especially in the civi world. Don't take it personally, use that as a time to educate them about why your husband is there and what he is doing. It's hard sometimes to listen to someone complain about their bf or husband when yours is away, but remember, in their life, that is what is important right now. Like the tour is in your life. 

This may just be something I do, but I don't tell his mom the scary stuff he tells me. She is worried enough about her baby and although she has a right to know, unless she asks i'm not telling her. 

Sometimes, your husband can't tell you where he is or what he is doing, but don't take it personally. Its all about security and telling you could mean that safety is comprimised. You'll get all the juicy details when he gets home. 

These are just things I learned on my first tour, and some may not agree with me. But if I pass on anything that may save someone alot of trouble later, then I'm glad. Live, love and laugh. Six months is a long time, but you can do it.

A few more things I forgot. LAUGH ALOT. Even when the house is falling apart, the pets (I don't have kids hehe) are peeing on the floor and your car just wont start. I laugh alot at the dumb things that happen to me because most times you have no control. 
Same with worrying about your husband. You will worry, but unfortunatly you have no control when they are over there, so sometimes you just have to let go and have faith. 

Thanks for adding to this ladies. I was in the dark before this tour and had no clue what to expect. I have learned alot though, about myself, my husband, my life. It's been a crazy experience but I wouldnt change it for the world.  

I know we have alot of experienced wives on here, so feel free to add to this.


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## Booked_Spice (15 Jun 2006)

Thank you Camo for your post. It was an awesome idea from the other site :cheers: :cheers: ( that deserves 2 cheers he he he) I thought that it would be great on this site as well. Once again thanks for your input.

I hope that with this thread will help others that will experience some of the things that we have experienced with this tour.

56. This one is for me. Do not stay up till all hours of the night. Hoping that your hubby will come on line to talk on messenger because of the time zones. By doing this you can become sleep deprived and that is not a very good thing.


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## boots (24 Jun 2006)

I have no experience with tours, so trim this post... but I have a simple suggestion to pin this topic up because this kind of information will always be needed


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## reccecrewman (28 Jun 2006)

If your stickers are going to expire on your tour, make sure you get them before you go AND put them on the plates.  I remembered to get mine but forgot to put them on the plate.  Instead I left them in the glove box.  The missus got pulled over by the OPP for having expired plates and she argued and swore up and down to the cop that her husband took care of that before he left.  She was so distraught that the cop decided to let her off with a warning and told her to go get the registration renewed ASAP.  She sent me an e-mail of the highly agitated type demanding to know what happened.  I sheepishly had to reply to her e-mail that the new stickers were in the glove box.

Regards


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## she (17 Jul 2006)

One thing I'd like to add - similar to Camo's post about understanding that civi's may not understand what you're going through...

Accept that not everyone is going to deal with the situation in the same manner as you do.  When my husband was away, I really had a hard time sharing with others whose spouses were also deployed.  I had a great personal support system and a father who's retired navy to turn to when things were getting rough, but I really didn't feel comfortable talking to a lot of spouses I'd never met before.  This resulted in some ugliness where I was accused of not caring about where my husband was and what was going on.  As much as we need to band together, I think we also need to respect that everyone will be experiencing different emotions and moving through the cycle in different stages.

I also think it's really important to take time to treat yourself and your family.  Go out to a movie or spend a day visiting the zoo.  Buy a really frivolous piece of clothes or a book you've always wanted to read.  Take a cooking class for a type of food you've always wanted to learn how to make.  We spend a lot of time sending packages overseas and in an phone call from my husband I remember how silly and happy he got when I was telling him all about trying to learn to rollerblade - all the pitfalls and stumbling... When he got home he said he laughed long and hard for day when ever he pictured me (I'm notorious for being a klutz) trying to keep rolling with both feet on the ground.  I found trying new things gave me a chance to get out of the house and do something new, which helps the time pass quicker.


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## HitorMRS. (1 Aug 2006)

Lots of great advise on this thread!  But, I feel like something is missing...information on how to handle being a single Mom.

As, I’m sure as some of you know HitorMiss is heading over on his tour soon, this is tour number two for us, but this is my first tour as a Mom.  We have a 13-month-old daughter.  Any advise on how to handle Daddy being away, coping as a suddenly single Mom, etc.
I know the MFRC has lots of programs for families and daycare help, but I’m looking more for advise on how to handle Daddy leaving anxiety and Daddy returning, etc.


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## George Wallace (1 Aug 2006)

There have been topics on that in this Home Front Forum.  If you take a look at them you may find what you want.  Here is one:  http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/45711/post-400247.html#msg400247


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## Booked_Spice (1 Aug 2006)

Hello Hit or Mrs,

I can understand where you are coming from. This was our first tour and I had to experience it as a single mom with a 3yr and 13 mths old. Boy has it been tough. My youngest doesn't understand as he will not know his "daddy" but our 3yr old understands and because of Daddy's deployment she went through changes like you wouldn't believe. Alot of them are negative.

Here are some examples:

She has night terrors- I bought a fish tank for her room where the light is on all night. She wears daddy's t shirt to bed. She also sleeps with his ranger blanket. She has a special picture of her daddy that she hides. Sometimes she will go to her room, take the picture out and start talking to him. I find this helps her cope. I have also been buying something for her once a month from her daddy. I wrap it all up with a pretty bow. She gets to open it up and she feels closer to him. I sent Dh special cards and envelopes so that he can write to her when he has the chance. This seems to help somewhat however she does tend to act out more with tantatantrums and after her explosions, she would say sorry Mommy but I miss my daddy. The one thing I learned is you can't cave into this. I have always been very honest with her. She still has outbursts but I try to nip it in the bud and keep her on a schedule.

My daughter is also experiencing separation anxiety. I can't even go to the bathroom without her being right by my side 24 7. This is still a tough one to beat however I try to use the deployment childcare every chance I get. It is hard for the first few minutes because she refuses to go and wants me to stay with her. But after I leave, she calms down and plays with the other kids. This is a tough one to try to overcome but we work on it everyday. She also craves male attention and I am lucky enough to have some of hubby's friends still on base who I get to see once and awhile. They try to give her attention as well. This helps her so much.

This tour has been really hard on her but I have tried to keep her busy and active. I enrolled her in swimming lessons and gymnastics anything that I could keep her mind off her daddy. But the one thing I tried to teach her is Oh Canada. She thinks this is her Daddy's song and you can hear her sing it everytime that she misses him or is upset. We try to talk about Daddy everyday. When Hubby calls she will sit on the phone with him and talk away.

Now this is what I experienced during the tour. Before Hubby left for tour he sat down with her and explained where he was going in away that she understood. To quote my daughter " My daddy is a soldier and he is in Afghanistan saving the kids from the monster" We put a huge world map on her play room wall and put stickers where daddy is and where she is. I find this also helps. If you guys have a web cam, my advice is that your hubby make messages to his child on special occasions that he will miss. This will help throughout the tour and with your child missing daddy. Also include your child in all the care packages you send over. Hubby's packages were so colorful because our children would put stickers on them and color all over them.

Now to you being a single Mom, it is tough. You need to try and take time out for you. That is the most important thing. Because I have found that things are very overwhelming at times. Sometimes you just need your batteries recharged. Another thing is if you can find others who are going on tour with your husband ( who have kids) arrange some play dates. This helps your child but also gives you the needed adult conversation.

Just remember Hitor MRS, if you ever need anything. A shoulder to cry on or someone just to vent. Or maybe a little advice. You can PM anytime and your hubby has my messenger. It is tough being a single mom but I know you can do it. If you need anything just ask.
.


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## HitorMRS. (1 Aug 2006)

Thanks for the advise Booked Spice, this was exactly what I needed, a perspective from another Mom!  I’m sure our daughter and I will make it though this tour fine, just like we have field exercises, etc.  But the length of a tour can be daunting. Thanks again for the great advice and the support.


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## HitorMRS. (1 Aug 2006)

Hello George,

Thank you for the link.  I had looked a that link and hadn't found what I was looking for there. But thank you again for bringing it to my attention.


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## CFwife (2 Aug 2006)

My husband's first tour was the hardest, and all of the tips here are very helpful. The second and third times he went overseas I found myself bored and lonely but also being able to connect with the community seemed to help me to deal with a great deal of stress. I was also able to find work while he was away, and these days I find myself more busy at work than sitting at home worrying about what is happeneing over there. 

For those with children, volunteering at the local family resource centre seems to be a great way to reconnect with families in your area, as well as keeping you busy.


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## 1feral1 (10 Aug 2006)

military granny said:
			
		

> 43. Do Not count days till their return. use paydays, weeks or months. Counting days will make it feel like forever



I look at it this way, its only two 3 month periods, or just 26 Fridays! 

I will see my 'signifigant other' somewhere in Greece in December for my ROCL, which will be a good time to say the least. 

I am looking forward to it.

On an other angle, its so important to have everything sorted out and in one hockey sock! Yes, from wills to any administrative matters. We have all our cars in both names, our house, and joint bank accounts. Just in case something happens to me, she will still have full access to everything as required. Yes, my old CAR through SISIP still is active. I even went as far as ensuring that my last wishes 'beyond the scope' of my will are in writing, and bought a grave plot in my home town of Quill Lake Saskatchewan (a whopping $50). A long ways from Australia and where I am right now. But, it a necessity, and less stress off Nancy and my family back in Canada, should anything happen to me when I am away.

From here, whats important to me is to remain in comms through the INet and phone, ensuring her that all is well, and it is good to hear her voice, the local parrots ' chirping' in the back gound, etc. Although I am away, in many ways with the technology, it does not seem that far.

Cheers,


Wes


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## Arty God (5 Sep 2006)

You all have great idea about what to do while youe hubby is over seas, what the solder, yes we are busy 
I tell you I loved the idea of getting Emaik from the wife and childern.


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## R@chel (2 Oct 2006)

Wow this is a great thread.  

My hubby is heading to Afghanistan in Feb. 07 and this is our first tour.  I am a few province away from all my family and wil be raising our two year old boy alone.  To top it off I have Crohn's disease and worry about getting sick whil he is away.  Luckily I can count on my mother-in-law to hop on a plane and come to my aide.

I find I am feeling really overwhelmed with the looming tour and appreciate all the advice.  I just wish it wasn't this tour, but that's the life.  I can do the six months hands down, so long as I know he is coming back.  The hardest part is sending him there and worrying all the time.  I am a huge worrier, no wonder I am always sick.


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## Suebu (5 Oct 2006)

I loved all the advice that was given on this topic....especially from the husbands....well done!!

I am a survivor of not having any support system of any kind (Moose Jaw) and least to say it almost killed me (depression). I have to say I am so glad that I found this site so when hubby is away(hell who am I kidding, he is always away!!) 
I have at least something, whether I need it or not, as a safety net. 

Cheers
Sue


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## ei.evans (27 Oct 2006)

Hey, I know this thread has received a lot of attention, however I would still like to reply! My husband is on tour now, not to Afghanistan again but to CFS Alert. I was worried at first because I had received much negative information about this posting. He has been gone almost 2 months now and I have just been keeping busy with the kids. The time is flying by. Yes there are times when I'm sad and miss him like crazy but that is normal when you love someone. All I can say is keep busy and put aside some ME time. For your wife that is. Then again my husband is safe in Alert so I'm not worried so much about anything happening to him. When he was in Kandahar I was a basket case but hat was our first tour with kids and 2 yrs ago when the media wasn't having a circus with it. So I can not imagine what it is like for the spouses here at home when their loved on is over seas now!

Hope I was able to help even a little bit!!! Cheers!


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## Jewelle (27 Oct 2006)

My spouse is an RCR in Afghanistan.  This is his sixth tour. A couple of things that I have learned over the years: 
1.  DON'T wait by the phone.  Some units do not get a chance to use their 30 minutes a week.
2.  Keep a note pad by the phone and write down things that you want to tell him when he phones, good things that you want to tell him about the kids/dog/cat/house.
3.  Have a good support network around you. (the 1RCR wives have started a support group/get together that meets once a week- we have also set up a web page that has info on it---- 1rcrwives.com).
4.  Take any news that you hear/read with a grain of salt.
5.  If you have children keep positive.


JB


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## R@chel (24 Feb 2007)

Well hubby just deployed and this is our first tour.  We are four days into it.  I found the first two really hard, but he actually managed to send off two emails, we chatted on msn once and I got my first phone call last night (a huge boost for me).

I'm a 3VP wife and we too have a great network set up here.  The family services for 3VP has a web forum set up for the deployed familes.

http://z6.invisionfree.com/3_PPCLI_Home_Front/index.php?

People are slowly signing up, so I am hopeful that it will be a good support tool.

As for me, I know I am still really new to the whole deployment thing but I am trying to stay as busy as possible.  I lacked all motivation the first few days, but since that first call I feel ready to get moving.  I find email the best form of contact so far.  I can read and re-read his emails and I can send him all of my thoughts without worrying about leaving anything out.  Msn was pretty good too, but I found it kind of rushed just like the seven minute phone call.  I didn't want to waste time telling him about my boring day, so I found I just kept asking him if he was okay.

I consider myself quite fortunate to being going through this now.  Can you imagine going six months with little to no contact?  I have high speed internet so my email is always downloading and alerting me, my msn is always on and with msn plus you can set your loved ones log on to have a specific sound, song, what not... and I have a smart phone so if I ever go out I have my msn running on my phone and I forward all my house calls.  I don't think I can miss a thing  

I am also keeping pretty busy, getting involved and trying to get our son involved even if it is just colouring something to put in Daddy's care pack.  I can't wait till it is nice out so I can get him out and about.  It will save my sanity.  I can't wait for the nice weather, so we can go for long walks.

For those of you who have been through this before... hats off.  It is hard.  For those first timers like me... I wish you well and hope it gets easier as I am told it will.

Cheers!


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## jq0342 (5 Aug 2007)

Hello Everyone,

I have my boyfriend who is currently deploited....Our relationship is on the newer side.....

I worry about him alot when  I don't hear from him in 3 days..when he doesnt call ...when he doesn't e-mail.


I have a hard time with dealing with this....any tips ? 

He is coming back sometime this month for a break ...what do you suggest i do for him when he comes?


Thanks a million,

Jacqueline
xoxox


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## McG (5 Aug 2007)

You're going to have to become comfortable with this.  You may go weeks without a call because he is in places that just do not have the telephones available.


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## proudnurse (5 Aug 2007)

Jaqueline, 

Welcome to the site. I wish your loved one a safe tour while he is deployed   as a matter of fact, there is a wealth of information in the "homefront" section of this site. Take some time to kick back, relax and read as there are many of us out here that have shared your experience. You will also find topic's on making care packages... you could take some time to send him some of his favourite things from home. It is _very_ normal, not to hear from him while he is away, because he is probably quite busy where he is right now. Keep him updated on your days through email and letter mail to him. 

Take care ~ Rebecca


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## geo (6 Aug 2007)

Jacqueline,

There are family resource centre facilities available to you.
They can put you in contact with other spouses who are in the same boat AND
they can help you when you are in need..... DO NOT hesitate to use their services... they are there to help you.


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## jq0342 (7 Aug 2007)

geo said:
			
		

> Jacqueline,
> 
> There are family resource centre facilities available to you.
> They can put you in contact with other spouses who are in the same boat AND
> they can help you when you are in need..... DO NOT hesitate to use their services... they are there to help you.



How do i get in contact with those services? Can you PM me that information?? thank you


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## Roy Harding (7 Aug 2007)

Go here:

http://www.forces.gc.ca/site/family/CFFR-7_e.asp


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## geo (7 Aug 2007)

Here is their web link.......

Montreal:
http://www.crfmmontreal.org/francais/info_f.asp

Valcartier:
http://www.crfmv.com/

Good luck - let me know if this is / isn't quite what you were looking for.


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## jq0342 (7 Aug 2007)

geo said:
			
		

> Here is their web link.......
> 
> Montreal:
> http://www.crfmmontreal.org/francais/info_f.asp
> ...



Those seem to be the Montreal offices...
anything for Ontario?


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## PMedMoe (7 Aug 2007)

jq0342 said:
			
		

> Those seem to be the Montreal offices...
> anything for Ontario?



Try the one Mr. Harding posted.  It gives you links to all of them across Canada.



			
				Roy Harding said:
			
		

> Go here:
> http://www.forces.gc.ca/site/family/CFFR-7_e.asp


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## emmiee (7 Oct 2007)

Hello everyone, thank you for starting this forum. I have read many of the posts trying to find someone in my same situation as I , but have not.  You see I am a U.S. citizen and my better half is Canadian. Not unusual but here is what is different. He is CF and is due to be deployed to Afganhistan. I still live in the U.S. My career does not afford me to live in Canada (yes, I tried and loved living there, however I could not find employment in my field so I moved back so I would not loose my skills)

We do communicate daily and I am there every chance I get. I have a lot of questions that I have asked him, however, I still have a whole lot more. I don't want to cause him any more stress that pre-deployment/deployment creates, so I will be asking all of you.

One question is. How do I send things to him from outside Canada? I know the central post for all mail is in Bellville, but does it work the same way?

Also, I can not participate in family support because I'm not physically there. By this I mean the support groups, coffeetimes, offering assistance to others ...etc...this I feel badly about.  One suggestion he gave me was to go to the local military base here ( I live near two of them) and participate there...well that would be great and this is what happened when I called, after I got the "great to meet you welcome" things..."Oh he's Canadian military? Well you have to participate there"...so I feel like I'm between a rock and a ......rock....

Thanks for any suggestion(s)

emma


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## emmiee (7 Oct 2007)

I meant to add he is going in the capacity of EOD/IED, and we have been together 9 years.


em


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## geo (8 Oct 2007)

emmiee,
might I suggest that you try to contact a family support centre at the base your EOD type is stationed.
The family support centres are interconnected 
Given the you are still married though living on opposite sides of the border, I must assume that you live nearby.
Through the Cdn family support centre you might be able to get an "in" to a US group...

It doesn't cost anything to ask...

Good luck!


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## emmiee (8 Oct 2007)

Thanks Geo,  

I will try what you suggested next time I'm there.  It is a 10 hour drive between where I am where he is located.

emma


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## geo (8 Oct 2007)

http://www.pmfrc.org/index-eng.htm

You should not need to do a physical visit.
Give em a call.....


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## emmiee (9 Oct 2007)

Thank  you again Geo, I will   
em


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## Another Mom (10 Mar 2009)

This thread has not been active in awhile, but my son goes on his first tour to Afghanistan this month and I am looking to connect with people. Thanks.


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## geo (10 Mar 2009)

Not a problem Mom.... 
These guys are still around   http://www.mfrc-ncr.org/english/links_MFRCs.php
offices in Bagottville, St Hubert, St Jean & Valcartier (for the guys going over at this time)


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## Another Mom (10 Mar 2009)

Thanks a lot. We live at the other end of the country, though. I am in touch with the MFRC locally. I was just looking here for other  English speaking families who may have soldiers who will be outside KAF.


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## geo (10 Mar 2009)

Oh... I'm sure that some will be along presently.
This forum is widely read from coast to coast - good luck


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## jessica21 (21 Oct 2009)

Im engaged to a man who is serving proudly in Kaf. Seeing my dad go and come back twice, I figured this was going to be pretty easy for me to say goodbye and then wait patiently as he returns. WRONG!! Since he has been "in country" at KAF, he does call on a regular basis. but all he discusses is how soldiers are cheating on their wives, how wives are cheating on their husbands, how openly this has been agreeded upon with both parties. He has told me how female soldiers are basically stalking him (lol). I sometimes wonder if its better to just let him go, have his fun, and if he comes home to me, then get re-engaged. We do get an opportunity (20 minutes) to talk on the computer, and he does call, but recently he says the tower was blown out, so he calls from a land line which is timed. Has anyone faced this? Or am I blowing this completely out of porportion??


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## gcclarke (21 Oct 2009)

It sounds to me like your fiance is doing his best to keep in touch with you, and is also doing his best to keep you informed of some of the stuff that is going on. At the same time, he's dealing not only with the stress of being deployed, but also the stress of having to deal with women trying to throw themselves at him. And he's coming to you, talking to you about it, so that you can help him deal with that. Letting him go "have his fun" sounds to me like the last thing that both you and he want. 

Please, credit him with the fact that he's acknowledging these issues, instead of doing what some might do, and try to hide what is going on. He seems to be doing his best to keep in touch with you when he can. When you do get a chance to hear from him, do your best to reassure him that you both love him and trust him.


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## Cpl4Life (28 Oct 2009)

jessica have you thought of talking to someone about this?  I mean someone via the Canadian Forces assistance program, or someone at the family support centre?  If you're to the point you're thinking, regardless of how seriously or not, of breaking up the engagement I suggest you speak to someone, it may help you sort things out.


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## Bellesophie (3 Feb 2010)

Jessica,

I understand exactly since my boyfriend has told me about all that.
He will be deployed in november and of all the stress it might bring I do have to say this issue is primary to me. 
We have talked about that and we will do it again.
So here come my advise, Talk with him, let him know how you feel but don't dramatize things. He's talking to you about it to me it's a mark of trust so return this trust to him...

Like others have said, go to a support group at the familly center it's so important to sort your feelings before he come's back home...

I wish you good luck and keep faith in him...

Sophie


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## ARMY_101 (10 Jun 2013)

This is an old thread, but also particularly helpful for those (members and spouses) going through long career courses (2-6 months).

Any opinions on whether the time away is any 'different' or if it's more or less the same?


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## Canadian.Trucker (10 Jun 2013)

ARMY_101 said:
			
		

> This is an old thread, but also particularly helpful for those (members and spouses) going through long career courses (2-6 months).
> 
> Any opinions on whether the time away is any 'different' or if it's more or less the same?


I can't speak for my wife but it is different.  The idea of being on a course (where accidents can happen) vice a tour is very different because of the potential for being in harms way and the dangers that a tour has.  Communication while on course when weekends and possibly evenings are available to have longer phone calls and easy access to internet either on the base or at the local coffee shop provides more time to talk about day to day life.  I know for my wife she went out of her way while I was deployed to not talk about any issues at home (and she was pregnant at the time with our first child), and just focus on the positives so that I would feel helpless or overwhelmed being so far away.  It's more of a mindset of knowing what your spouse is going through where they are than anything.


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