# Strong, Independant woman crying alligator tears....



## CLM (24 Mar 2007)

I am tired of just "wondering" on my own and coming up with my own conclusions about something so I thought I would jump on here and take a stab at it.  Please, if you feel the urge to laugh at me, now's not the time, this will probably sound very naive to alot.

How do all the military wives and girlfriends stay completely grounded while their partner is away from them for so long?  I've always been very grounded but I've fallen inlove with a man in the military.  We tried to do special things before he had to leave, and as much as I was trying to hold on to the moment, inside I was dreading the day he had to leave.  Now he's gone and he seems almost unaffected by it.  I know he loves me and he will be back.  Don't get me wrong, I have a full life without him and I will keep very busy with my career, etc.  But it's not the same, when I came home the night he left and my bed was empty and I couldn't just call him to tell him I love him.  I feel completely heartbroken and yet he's my heart.  I just don't understand how I meet these military wives who can laugh and party and go on as if he's here.  

Does anybody remember going through this?  Any words of advice?

[Edit spelling of alligator.]


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## camochick (25 Mar 2007)

It sucks, but you just do it. There is no alternative except leaving which some make the choice to do. It's not an easy road being a military spouse, but if its what you choose then you have to learn to deal with it. Life doesn't stop because of a deployment, an exercise or a course. It's ok to be upset, to yell, and cry and hate the whole damn army once in awhile, but you also have to come up with ways to cope. I find just doing what i normally do, going out, having fun etc, makes the time go by way faster than sitting at home dwelling and waiting for the phone to ring. Hang in there, it does get better.


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## simysmom99 (25 Mar 2007)

This is hard, no doubt about it.  But in your topic you described yourself as "Strong, Independant"...  You are still those things, just life has thrown you a bit of a loop for now.  Even though we are laughing, it is just as hard as the first time they go away.  
My suggestion is that your tour is what you make it.  It sounds like you want to get out and meet people, and so you should.  Hopefully you live near a base and you can communicate with the Deployment Centre to fill you in on events planned.  
Good luck to you and know that you are not alone.


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## Siggywife (27 Mar 2007)

A really good heaping pile of clean laundry on his side of the bed.. ;D ..

 I don't watch the news or read the papers.. I don't sit around and wait for phone calls either.. The first three weeks are the hardest by then you have yourself in a routine.. You have to look at the positives while he is away.. you get to watch your shows with little to no complaining.. More spending money for those little extra things you have been waiting to buy.. More room in the bed minus the laundry of course..LOL.. and any other thing you have been putting off for a while.. Great time to get the diet going.. No bad influences from the other half.. and just other stuff.. Try not counting days or months try and look at pay days or even garbage days to keep track.. they seem to come closer together..

Some people try hard not to leave their house in being afraid of missing phone calls and such.. I love to keep the message on my answering machine to play them over and over again for those days of just being lonely.. You learn to cope.. and that's all.. 

But the laundry.. It just feels right.. 

Siggy


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## simysmom99 (27 Mar 2007)

Siggy you just reminded me of perhaps the best rule about them going away!

He who leaves the country, loses the power of veto.  You can do whatever you want and he can't say too much.  It's great really.  So, if you always wanted a new bathroom sink (like I did) you get a new sink.  New sheets - why not?


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## CLM (28 Mar 2007)

Thanks ladies, I'm just going to go on with the next few months as I normally would, for now I just feel like the smiles are fake and I have to force myself to leave the house for fear of missing a call.

I actually saw a dateline that featured "snuggle meetings" where groups of people just get together and cuddle in a big bunch.  As funny as I thought this idea was, I'm thinking they were onto something now. 

If he comes home to a newly renovated home, and a girlfriend who would rather snuggle with a heaping pile of clean clothes, I guess he will have to learn to understand that women cope differently.  lol.  Thanks again!


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## CdnArtyWife (28 Mar 2007)

I'm six weeks into a six month tour...my sixth day was the worst!! But since then I've realized there are a few rules I have to live by:

1) Stay busy...it keeps your mind off him, and on what you want to be doing, which is living. Being a zombie does no one any good.

2) Don't glue yourself to the news, tv, newspaper or otherwise, but in the same sense don't avoid it either...just live life as you do when he is in the same country. (yeah you worry, but time doesn't stand still, even though he thinks that when he gets back it will be approx 5 minutes after the time that he left...like you were frozen in some time/space continuum LOL)

3) Some people do laundry on his side...I sleep on his side and let the dog have mine....but now that I think about  it, laundry is probably a better idea...since it is easier to kick the laundry out of the bed when he gets home...at least laundry won't keep trying to climb in between you during the night. :

4) many wives live by the rule of not telling him you are having a bad day. Our family doesn't operate that way, if I never had a bad day...hubby would think I burried the kids in the back yard somewhere and was heavily sedated on drugs. The fact is, we are human, and everyone has a bad day. On the flipside...you don't need to spend your entire 35 minutes/week on the phone lamenting about how bad your day was...if you have a bad day...or really miss him cus he gives good massages and you slept wrong and have a kink in your neck, and the planets are not alligned and you're pmsing and cranky and the dog won't stop bugging you and the cat puts his butt in your face, tell him and then move on. Everyone needs a brain dump...and if you tell him, he will remember that life goes on at home...just don't unload so much that he won't be able to concentrate on his job at hand. There is a fine line, be aware of it.

5) and almost MOST Importantly...don't count down the days till you see him again...instead celebrate each additional day of strength and independance. By counting down...you are concentrating on his absence, by celebrating each day of strength and independance, you are concentrating on your accomplishments and growth dispite the circumstances. For instance, give or take a few bad days...I have over 50 days of coping on my own with the freedom to answer to only myself and to have full decision making powers. Some of my accomplishments include changing my own tire, shoveling the entire driveway in one go, cleaning up doggy puke without puking myself...and losing 12+lbs!!! Not bad for just 50 days!

Lastly...you can do it...even when you think you can't...you can.

I'll cyber snuggle you...well, not snuggle per sé, but I'll send you some cyber hugs when ever you need them. ((HUGS))

Cheers,

CAW


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## proudnurse (28 Mar 2007)

Another thing that you can try, keep in close touch with his family. Especially his parents. Anytime you have an update via email or letter, and they are waiting for one too or vice versa... you can share with each other that you have heard from him and how he might be doing. This will put a smile on their face, and yours too I'm sure to get that news from one another. 

~Rebecca


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## Siggywife (28 Mar 2007)

*Thanks ladies, I'm just going to go on with the next few months as I normally would, for now I just feel like the smiles are fake and I have to force myself to leave the house for fear of missing a call.*

I am not sure about the other ladies here but when Dh is away over the years I have developed a sixth sence when it comes to the phone.. the phone rings I instinctively know its him.. weird eh?..  But besides that he understands that you go on with everyday life.. and that he doesnt expect you to sit around and wait for his phone calls.. My dh leaves lengthy meassage and say things that would make me smile.. I keep them like i said before and play them over and over agin throughout the tour and when he comes home I simply ease them or he listens to them as well.. People dont understand and others throw themselves at you when all you need is a simple hug.. Good luck.. Time will go by faster them you know..the change of the seasons.. Force yourself to get out.. Cry if you need to cry.. a really big sobbing, snotty cry.. they really do make you feel better..

Take care

Siggy


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## CLM (28 Mar 2007)

Thanks for the replies, knowing I'm not the only blubbering wreck out there is comforting, he is so seasoned that it makes me feel like I'm being overly dramatic.  My friends and family have no idea what I'm going through and there is really no support system with them, so the thoughts that you ladies shared means alot.  

By the way, you should see my house already...... I've gone into psycho cleaning mode and with spring here, what better timing.

 ;D Thanks for the cyber snuggle CAW


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## proudnurse (28 Mar 2007)

I'm glad that there is more replies here, I just got off morning shift at work, came home to grab my binder for class (because I forgot it, doh!) and a quick lunch. There was something else I was thinking while I was driving home about this thread, so I'm glad that it is still going with replies and I can add a little bit more. Don't forget that you are only human, so naturally if you love and miss someone of course you are going to have tears and feeling absence in the heart. MLC, don't forget to treat yourselves to a nice night out for dinner together, or something you enjoy together when he returns. Your Hubby is in my prayers for a safe tour ~ and you are in my thoughts and prayers too. You will get through this! And we are here!  

~Rebecca~


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## mrshappy (28 Mar 2007)

I think the best thing to do is what you are already doing right now, reaching out to other wives/girlfriends who understand what you are going through.  Build yourself a support network or go out and find one....is there a Military Family Resource Centre near you?  As far as your other half seemingly not being affected, he is totally missing you but has a mission to focus on and he has probably gotten very good at compartmentalizing as a way of coping with being away from his loved ones.  Don't take it personally and like other posts have said, don't think too much.  Keep busy and focus on stuff that you enjoy doing and pamper yourself a little when you can.


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## mrs13f (13 Apr 2007)

Just an observation but asking for information about this new experience just shows that you are all the things you mentioned!  

My last separation was about 14 months and I found that in the beginning I was living day to day but all of a sudden one day I noticed I had my own routine and never even noticed when it happened.  As for your DH you said he seemed like he wasn't affected but he is.  I've noticed over the years that the soldiers are always mission focused and task oriented while they are preparing to leave and for quite awhile once they arrive but once a routine settles in they begin to really miss their families.  At the same time spouses (not all of them I am sure) are anxious/worried, even a tad bit more emotional (I know I'm _slightly_ more sensitive right before my DH leaves) when they are getting ready to go and then fall into a routine, just living their lives at the same time the soldiers are beginning feel the separation.  Hmmm...does that make sense?  Ah well, it is only a personal observation 

There will be good, bad, and boring days ahead but it is all worth it for that return home.

- Shannon


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## CLM (13 Apr 2007)

Thanks Shannon:

I just got home from work after having a pretty good day and I have to say, all of the women who replied to me were absolutely right on all accounts.  I have good days where I actually take a step back and realize I'm happy right now, and I have bad days, which never end fast enough.  I hope that some day I can be more settled into this lifestyle but for now I'll enjoy my days and dread those long, lonely nights. haha.

Some couples take their time together for granted, but me (and I'm sure, you), time spent together will never be taken for granted.

Thanks again ladies.


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