# Girlfriend of a soldier needs opinions...



## UKjen (8 Mar 2006)

Hi there, I'm new here.... and just hoping to get some opinions on my very confusing and painful situation.  My boyfriend is in the army and has been in the Middle East for the past few months.  We are both in our early 30s, and haven't been together that long but we're very close. We're planning on living together when he returns in a couple of months, and the last time we spoke on MSN (with webcams which was soooooo nice) about 6 weeks ago everything seemed fine, as we were still missing each other very much... 

But then to my utter horror and complete shock, I recently received an email from him saying that I'd be better off without him, that he can't give me what I deserve and that I need someone who can be there for me.  I know he hasn't met anyone else out there, he's just not that kind of person.  I emailed him back and asked him if he's just lost interest in me but he replied no, he still loves me and that I mean the world to him and always will, but that he doesn't think that's enough anymore and that I deserve more.  I am absolutely devastated, and because I can't just pick up the phone and call him, I can't get any more details out of him so I don't know what to think.  

Is this sort of thing common with soldiers who are overseas???  I believe him when he says he still loves me, and I know he would never cheat on me, so this just doesn't make sense to me.  I can't emphasize enough how well things were going with us before I received that last email.  So I just can't understand what is going through his head now.  I guess I could try to accept that he really is just thinking about my needs and sacrificing his own for my sake, but I'm having a hard time believing that and think there must be something else going on.

I almost wish I could talk to his friends out there to get the real story.  Has anyone here ever heard of this sort of thing?  Is it common for soldiers who are away from home to feel hopeless about their long-distance relationships and to just dump their girlfriends before they can be dumped themselves?  Is there a high rate of depression among soldiers who are away on long tours?   

I feel like an idiot asking complete strangers on the internet for their opinions on this but I honestly don't have anyone else to talk to about this because I don't know anyone else in the army.  I thought I was being the ideal, supportive army girlfriend and then I get this bomb dropped on me and I just can't make any sense of it.  Your opinions would be greatly appreciated!

Jen


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## ERIK2RCR (8 Mar 2006)

It's just an opinion, mind you, and i'm certanly not Dr. Phil, but he probably is just a little down, and wants you to tell him just how perfect he is for you, and how you'd wait untill the end of time for him to come back, rather than be with someone else. We have ALOT of time to think about things overseas, and he probably has himself half convinced that what he said is true.


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## mover1 (8 Mar 2006)

I did the exact same thing on my tour. but thats because I was a total douche bag. (Sorry Tanya)

Anywho... depending on where he is at or the situation he is in, I, we, can only speculate.

Try writing him a god's honest letter, no mushy love stuff but in a firm but understanding tone.....and not by e-mail, write a letter, they are much more personal.

Dear   xxxx

      I am a little disturbed at what is going on. I thought we had a future but apparently you think we don't. Please don't try to soften the blow by giving me any of the "I mean the world to you and always will, but that you doesn't think that's enough anymore and that I deserve more." We are both grown adults and I deserve better than that. 
    Just tell me the real truth. I will still be here when you need me. ........

Love
UK jen


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## DG-41 (8 Mar 2006)

Actually, you've come to the right place to ask for this sort of advice.

Something you have to understand is that soldiering is long periods of utter boredom, occasionally interrupted by brief periods of excitement or terror.

But for the most part, it's boredom. And when you are a long way from home, in some godforsaken place that seems like the asshole of the universe (like Wainwright  ) and it's O-Dark-Stupid in the morning, and you're on sentry duty... well, the mind has to occupy itself somehow; so you get to thinking a lot.

And typically, you think about the things you care about most - and the thoughts you think wind up being coloured by how you're feeling. One's imagination can wander into strange and irrational places in the wee hours of the morning. The puppy that lives in your midbrain isn't the most logical creature. Fears and insecurities have a way of peculating around in there and taking on a life of their own.

So it's safe to say that he's been thinking about you. What's harder to nail down is WHAT he has been thinking about you, and when, and why.

There's a couple of common ones:

1) "Man, she's so hot and so great and this is what our life together is going to be like; me taking off for long periods and we can't see each other and that's not fair to her and I can't do that to her and I'm not worthy anyway so I'll break it off and set her free"

2) "Man, she's so hot and so great and the guys back home can see that too and they'll be on her like white on rice soon enough and there's better prospects out there than me and she won't be able to hold out forever and I don't want to come home and find out she shagged the entire rear party and all my stuff is on the front lawn so it'll be easier if I break it up now so I won't get hurt"

And variations on these themes.

I can't say for sure that that's exactly what is happening... but it's likely. Lord knows I've been there before.

So then, here's what you need to do:

1) First and formost, understand that this is what it is going to be like. If you stay together, things will probably get a little easier, but you're still going to get the occasional weird, anguished letter (or phone call or whatever) that is really the product of fear, boredom, anxiety, and loneliness, not how he really feels (the puppy talking, not him) It takes a lot of inner strength to be an Army Wife, and if you're not up for the job, then it really is better for both of you to go your separate ways. Far better this than he comes home to find out you shagged the rear party and all his stuff is on the front lawn.

2) But if you DO want to stick it out, then realize that there are going to be highs and lows. Your plan of action when he is in a low spot is to reassure his fears, to confirm that you're there for him, to let him know that you can't be gotten rid of that easily and you're in for the long haul. 

3) And then the hard part - actually riding out the rough spots. It can be hard to deal with a soldier whose buddy's wife just ran off with somebody else (so now he's spooked) and the dark little voices that whisper to him late at night have him utterly, irrationally convinced that you're shagging the rear party, and what was supposed to be a happy reunion phone call turns into the Spanish Inquisition and you wind up fighting instead - or any of the other thousand different scenarios that can happen. That's HARD. It HURTS.

But it also gets a LOT easier with time. Dealing with extended separation from your loved ones is a learned skill, and they don't teach it on any courses.

It sounds like you really do care, so I advise you to stick it out, at least until he gets home and you can talk face to face. I also advise you NOT to get confrontational (no matter how hurt and angry you might be right now) because that'll just make things worse. "Hey buddy, you're not going to get rid of me that easily. I'm here for the long haul, so you'd better get used to it. What's going on? What's wrong? Talk to me babe" is a better tone to shoot for.

I hope I haven't scared you off.  Relationships with soldiers can have their rough spots, but the high spots tend to be really, really good if the fit is good. Ca vaut le mal, le.

Good luck.

DG


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## Guy. E (8 Mar 2006)

Wow, thats almost EXACTLEY what I have been thinking about the past week before I go to boot camp and Borden for about a year and a half...

More like this:

"Man, she's so hot and so great and and _has this shit assed parasite too lazy to work boy friend. I care for her, I would do anything I can for her_ but me taking off for long periods of time and we can't see each other and that's not fair to her and I can't do that to her and I'm not worthy anyway so I _don't know what I will do_. _ I will go to boot camp and just go..._


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## muffin (8 Mar 2006)

RecceDG - that is (from an Army Wife's point of view) really well said  

Communication is KEY in any realtionship - especially a military one.
It is hard sometimes to know there are things my hubby is seeing/doing/etc that he can't discuss with me - I call that the "stuff"... 

"Hey hon, what did you do today?" "Stuff"
"Anything exciting happen over there today" "Oh just stuff"
"You ok - you sound a little bummed out" "It's ok - it's just you know... stuff"

But I realise that if he needs to talk something out with someone - he will go for a beer with the guys or something ... and that is ok too.

Those "feelings of guilt" they all get from time to time (Why is she still with me - this so unfair to her her and the kids - why does she put up with this) are almost impossible to get rid of completely - but I try my best to let the hubby know that I am proud of him  and I stand by him 100% whatever it is he does and where ever he goes. I think - after 9 years  - he is finally starting to believe me 

... and Guy.E..... hang in there fella - it will be ok


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## UKjen (8 Mar 2006)

Thanks so much you guys, I can't tell you how much your replies are helping.  I'm so relieved to know that this sort of thing does happen quite a bit because it makes me feel that we might get through this.  A few days after I received the break up email, I did write him a very calm, rational email telling him how I was feeling, how much he means to me, why we should be together, and that if he doesn't smarten up I'll fly out there, track him down and smack some sense into him (that part was obviously a joke).  And now I'm waiting to hear back from him. 

Anyway, thanks again to everyone who replied, I really appreciate the support.


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## laura18 (8 Mar 2006)

Hey.. My fiancé just joined the Canadian Forces. This whole situation must be very stressful for you. It's hard being so far away and having so little communication. But it sounds like it's normal for a guy to think the way he is thinking... Hopefully your email will help him realize that you are willing to wait for him while he is away.. Good luck with your situation! 
Cheers!


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## UKjen (9 Mar 2006)

Thanks Laura, and good luck with your fiance.


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## zipperhead_cop (9 Mar 2006)

RecceDG said:
			
		

> Actually, you've come to the right place to ask for this sort of advice.
> 
> Something you have to understand is that soldiering is long periods of utter boredom, occasionally interrupted by brief periods of excitement or terror.
> 
> ...



You pass on all that A-list material to Konrad?


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## UKjen (9 Mar 2006)

Well it's officially over.  He won't change his mind, we simply can't be together because of his work and that's that.  There are some more complicated details that I can't get into on this forum but the bottom line is that I have absolutely no say in this, he has decided on his own that this is best for me and there's nothing I can say or do to change his mind.  I have to say, when I eventually do get over him, if I ever meet another soldier I will run in the other direction as fast as I can.  I have never been so hurt in all my life.


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## littlebug (9 Mar 2006)

UKjen, I hear ya and totally understand the pain you are in.  Very recently I had an end to what may have been nothing more to a friendship, now I'll never know.  We didn't know each other all that long, but there was still a connection.  He's over in Afghanistan right now, and has cut me out.  I don't understand why and it doesn't seem fair.  He's not talking to me at all right now, and that hurts more than anything.  I'm trying my best to be understanding, and have given him plenty of oppurtunities to let me know what was going on, but the only response I get is silence.  What is the most painful is knowing that I have lost a friend and that as of right now there is no sense of closure.

My advice, as given to me by my friends, is to have one good cry, then don't let yourself feel bad about it anymore.  You are worthy of a relationship with anyone, soldier or otherwise. 

Maybe knowing you are not alone in your feelings will help to.


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## DG-41 (9 Mar 2006)

Well, I truly am sorry to hear that.

I tend to be optimistic about these situations, because I've been lucky enough to have been there and have it work out, and that colours my expectations of such things.

But, truth be told, I've had my share of train wrecks too. Sadly, that's part of behing human. And you're quite right that it hurts. It hurts even when you saw the train wreck coming miles away.

The hurt will eventually go away though; you can take that to the bank.

Good luck.

SG


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## GO!!! (9 Mar 2006)

UKjen said:
			
		

> Well it's officially over.  He won't change his mind, we simply can't be together because of his work and that's that.  There are some more complicated details that I can't get into on this forum but the bottom line is that I have absolutely no say in this, he has decided on his own that this is best for me and there's nothing I can say or do to change his mind.  I have to say, when I eventually do get over him,* if I ever meet another soldier I will run in the other direction as fast as I can.*  I have never been so hurt in all my life.



See? 

It is crap like this that gives young uniforms a bad rap.

Try looking at things a different way Jen. 

Your man is a, oh, let's say an offshore oil driller who is off in the North Sea for a month at a time, drilling for oil. The identical circumstances take place, and he gives you the heave-ho. Would you run at the sight of another oil industry worker? Of course not.

Or...

I dated a british girl once, and she broke my heart, so whenever I hear a limey accent now I run for the hills - pretty foolish - right?

You broke up with a man, not a uniform - they are not one in the same.


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## Ed Gagnon (9 Mar 2006)

Hi UKJen,

Hang in there...it ain't over yet!  Wait till your boyfriend comes home and gets back to normal.  He may have emailed you and ended it but that may well change. He must truly love you if he doesn't want to put you through the "military life."  If you both love each other you can get through anything.

My own philosophy (and I can't understand anyone who doesn't feel the same way) is that if you really, really want something, you will do anything in the world to get it.  Dammit Jen, if you truly want this guy don't sit back and whine about...get in there and go get him.  He is going through a tough time now and probably can't explain it being so far away.   Once he gets back to this world and you, he will come back to his senses and see the light.  Don't give up so easy...nothing worth having and keeping comes easy.  The military life is not easy but it is a good life once you get past the initial challenges.  I have often said to myself "Well I guess he/she didn't really want that too much as they didn't do much to get or keep it."

Don't give up...it is so hard to find someone you can hang with that you don't want to let them go that easily.

Good luck,

Ed Gagnon


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## Kirkhill (9 Mar 2006)

FWIW Jen, I'm with Ed.

PS I'm not sure but I think GO!!! may be trying to put his oar in.

Cheers.  

What a bunch of hopeless romantics we are.


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## UKjen (9 Mar 2006)

Thanks for the support guys. 

"My own philosophy (and I can't understand anyone who doesn't feel the same way) is that if you really, really want something, you will do anything in the world to get it.  Dammit Jen, if you truly want this guy don't sit back and whine about...get in there and go get him."  

I completely agree Ed, and if I knew where he was I would literally go and find him and make him look me in the eye and tell me that he doesn't want to be with me anymore.  Which I know he could never do in person.  Of course he would flip out on me for going to such a dangerous part of the world but I would just say, "Oh well, your fault - you shouldn't have dumped me for such a lame reason you big geek."  

But I can't go out there and find him.  And unfortunately I can't just wait for him to come home and then talk to him in person because we live in two different countries.  My home was GOING to be his country, but now I have no reason to move there, so I won't even know when he's back home.  There's nothing I can do but email him, and all of my emails so far have had no impact on him.  

It's too bad he didn't just say, "You know, I'm sorry but I've just lost my feelings for you, I'm just not interested anymore, sorry..." because that would have hurt like hell but at least then I'd have NO interest in being with someone who isn't in to me.  But for him to tell me that this is all about his job, that he loves me and that I will always mean the world to him.... talk about psychological torture!

GO, I'm sorry if I offended you, that wasn't my intention.  I should have censored my thoughts when I was writing my post but I can't say that I do not mean what I wrote.  The difference between the examples you gave and my situation is that -- according to my boyfriend -- our break up is a direct result of him being in the army.  I know that I can't paint all soldiers with the same brush and I would never do that (my dad fought in WW 2 and he is nothing like my bf)  but I do know now from experience that being in a relationship with a soldier is very difficult.  And I was not complaining about the difficulties, I was dealing with it all just fine until his work actually caused our relationship to end.  

I really respect my boyfriend (can't even imagine calling him my "ex") for what he does and I am so proud of him and know that what he is doing is having a positive impact on the world and honestly, I think every man I meet from now on will be so excruciatingly dull compared to him, but I don't see how I could possibly get involved with another soldier and not expect the same thing to happen.  And I know that if I did end up with another soldier, after what I've just been through my bf would say "Are you crazy???"  And so would my dad!  

But that's just me, and hopefully other women will realize how lucky they are to meet a guy in uniform.  But if they are reluctant to get involved with you guys, try to cut them some slack because they're probably just trying to protect themselves from a broken heart. 

Speaking of broken hearts... littlebug, I'm sorry about what you've gone through.  If you haven't heard from him at all, it's possible that he just hasn't had access to the internet for a long time.  We can only guess what it's like out there.  Or maybe he's also trying to protect you, who knows.  Take care.


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## Ed Gagnon (9 Mar 2006)

UKJen,

All things come to she who waits.  As the old drill Sergeant used to say "Waaait for itttt!!!"    Whose Army is this guy in?

Ed


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## UKjen (9 Mar 2006)

So I shouldn't fly out there and stalk him down?  But I thought.... you said...


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## Ed Gagnon (10 Mar 2006)

Jen,

No don't fly out there and see him.  Wait for him and let time take its course.  He will return to normal once he gets back on the ground.  Just wait...don't run off with some pencil neck geek or something like that.  Just let this guy come home and then he will come around.  Just don't give up.  He is going through a tough time and needs time to think.  It is hard being away and he feels bad that he is puting you through this separation thing and feels that you are much too nice a person to be potentially put through this every couple of years.  This potential separation bothers him.  

Just email him and tell him that you still love him and are there for him and that you will be here when he comes back no matter what.  It will all work out.  Just be patient.

Good luck,

Ed


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## UKjen (10 Mar 2006)

I'm just kidding Ed, I can't fly out there because I wouldn't even know where to find him.  I hope you're right about him just needing some time, but I'm not feeling very optimistic right now.  I'm pretty sure his mind is made up, but we'll see.  Thanks again.


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## CdnArtyWife (10 Mar 2006)

I ditto everything Ed and DG and Muffin say...

I also reccommend you continue to send care packages and actual physical old fashioned letters...

Guys on deployment are so sentimental they sniff the letters cus they smell like home...and since the sense of smell is the sense strongest tied to memory...you would be best served sending those good old fashioned letters. And you know what? He'll probably come home, chill out...and eventually show you all the letters you sent...all torn and worn and dog eared because he pulled them out and read them so many times.

My hubby still has all the letters and cards I sent him while he was on basic...when he goes away for a course, he takes a couple with him, to hold him over until he recieves the latest one I've sent.

Check out the MFRC closest to you or on the base where your guy's unit is from...they will be happy to send any care packages for you...and the postage will be covered. Also while you are there, you could talk to the Deployment Support (Family Separation and Reunion) Coordinator...chances are, they have seen this far more times than you could ever imagine.

Hang in there girl...those dang inner voices he hears get real loud when on a patrol or sentry...

He has a tough job, you love him for it, but he probably thinks you deserve better than him...and by sticking around you will make him really feel that way....but eventually he should come around and realize he must really be something if you were willing to stick around, even if he tried to let you go...

It seems you are the proverbial "bird in the cage" you know..."if something really is meant to be yours, set it free, if it comes back it was meant to be...."


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## muffin (10 Mar 2006)

UKJen - I am sorry it didn't work out for you. 

My mom did the same thing to my dad when they were dating and moved away on him,,..... he quit his job and follwed her anyway! 

Most of us are not able to go to these extremes (when he comes home of course) so I suggest a pint of your favorite Ice Cream and a good sappy movie. It has to be very frusterating where he is so far away with limited contact.

Hang in there  Everything happens for a reason...


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## shaunswife (24 May 2006)

hi,

its really hard for the guys/gals over there.  You fellow is probably going threw alot, and questioning himself.  dont give up on him, rite him a email, telling him your feelings, and that you support him, and that you understand he is going threw alot right now( his emotions are probable running wild, i know my hubbys does).  keep the communtication open

best of luck


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## xcameron (28 May 2006)

I agree with Ed.  If you really love this guy, then give him some space.  He sounds a bit down and who wouldn't be, seeing what he is seeing daily.  What you can do is continue to e-mail him, friendly newsy type e-mails, (or better yet, snail mails with little things/goodies like the newspaper from home, etc).. do not speak of love or any "feelings" at all.. just keep friendly, let him know what's going on with his friends, etc etc.. Perhaps you got a little "heavy/needy" with him in some of your e-mails.  Take care and good luck..


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## FastEddy (1 Jun 2006)

Ed Gagnon said:
			
		

> UKJen,
> 
> All things come to she who waits.  As the old drill Sergeant used to say "Waaait for itttt!!!"    Whose Army is this guy in?
> 
> Ed




I have a better question for you, "Who's Army are you in". it would help if you filled out your Profile.

But back on Topic,UKjen has anyone ever considered this might be a blessing in disguise. There are a number of recorded cases that of returning Servicemen with undetected PTS harmed or murdered their Loveones.

Granted this is a extreme consideration for his decision, but I would suggest some caution if you are intending to confront him or force the relationship. Because as you realize his attitude is strictly out of character. So there could be a multitude of under-lying considerations.


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## TCBF (1 Jun 2006)

Look at the bright side of things - she is now free to shag the whole Rear Party!

 ;D

Yeah, I know, bad joke...

Tom


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## Loachman (1 Jun 2006)

If Jen is actually in the UK, Tom, his rear party's going to be missing out.

One bad joke leads to another. Sorry, Jen - I know you wouldn't.

But seriously, that two-country thing could also be part of the problem. I met my first wife in BC. I dragged her to Moose Jaw and then Pet, where we subsequently separated. Her mother had died and her father moved to a smaller town with limited employment prospects for her during that time, so she would have had a rough time getting re-established plus we really couldn't afford to ship her stuff that far either. She stayed in Ontario for a few years, and then went back to BC later.

I lived with a young German girl while stationed in Lahr. It was a pretty good relationship, but not 100% convincing - not enough to marry her, take her to Canada away from her family, friends, country, and culture, and have her stranded here if things didn't work out further down the road.

I remember being pretty homesick too for several years after my family immigrated to Canada from England when I was nine, so that was probably a major factor in my decision as well.

I did not want to uproot somebody else when I wasn't completely certain of permanency.

There could be some of that in Jen's case.


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## FastEddy (2 Jun 2006)

Loachman said:
			
		

> If Jen is actually in the UK, Tom, his rear party's going to be missing out.
> 
> One bad joke leads to another. Sorry, Jen - I know you wouldn't.
> 
> ...




And on the other hand, maybe his "Its my Fault and it best for you" is just another polite way of saying "I'M JUST NOT INTO YOU ANYMORE".


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## TCBF (2 Jun 2006)

All men are pigs.

 ;D

And hey, no offence to Fast Eddie and the Provost Corps.


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## IrishCanuck (2 Jun 2006)

I agree with many of the other posters, give him a little space.. but keep after him.

Us guys can be very moody.. especially when we get seperated from the women in our lives. I know its not the same thing at all, but I haven't seen my gf in 2 months for various reasons that I wont go into, and as a guy you start thinking about other guys hitting on your girl and her not liking you more and more the longer you are apart. Like they said, keep re-assuring him. If he loves you, he WILL come around.


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## UKjen (2 Jul 2006)

UPDATE:  we're back together!!  I didn't give up and to my amazement everything has worked out!  Thanks again for the support you guys, I really appreciate it. Take care.


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## Kat Stevens (2 Jul 2006)

Whew, I'll finally be able to sleep at night, thank goodness. ;D


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## Hoover (2 Jul 2006)

UKjen said:
			
		

> UPDATE:  we're back together!!  I didn't give up and to my amazement everything has worked out!  Thanks again for the support you guys, I really appreciate it. Take care.



Yes, soldiers are a different breed with too much time on their hands to think about the emotional baggage they have and the hearts they have broken. Plus, the thought of having nothing to go home to at the end of it all flucks ya head up..


Good luck in the future..

Out.


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## Eddie Gagnon (3 Jul 2006)

UKJen,

Good for you...I am very glad that everything worked out.

take care,

Ed Gagnon


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## zipperhead_cop (3 Jul 2006)

Hoover said:
			
		

> Yes, soldiers are a different breed with too much time on their hands to think about the emotional baggage they have and the hearts they have broken. Plus, the thought of having nothing to go home to at the end of it all flucks ya head up..



Oh, those cold, hard eyes that have seen too much and let in so much horror that will never leave you a moments peace when you try to sleep at night.   :  
No doubt with killer lines like that the Oromocto princesses will not ever realize you finished your basic just this spring.


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## snowy (3 Jul 2006)

Hello ukjen
this is snowy,well i read all the posts on this topic and i totally agree with the opinions given. I am soon joining the CF and i bet you it was the most difficult dicision of my life, leaving your loved ones ain't easy :'( ,  this is what i told my boyfriend,
'my dearest,
 i won't be there when you need a hug, a shoulder to cry on, someone to laugh with and joke around with,
i won't be there when you fall down, feel lonely and hopeless, i won't be there to hold you at night and comfort you, i won't be there when things go wrong and you feel you love me less, just remember, when the wind blows, it is me thinking of you, when the rain falls , it is me crying for you in my heart, and when the sun shines it is me thinking of all the happy moments we had togethere,and these are the moments i am taking with me, and when we meet again i shall show you that the wind still blows, the rain still falls and the sun is even brigther........' now reverse the situation  don't loose hope its not the end yet. goodluck.
regards snowy.


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## zipperhead_cop (4 Jul 2006)

:crybaby:


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## chaos75 (4 Jul 2006)

Just scrolling through this thread, I was thinking what a waste of server space.  What kind of person asks for love life advice from complete and total strangers?  But then I got to the end and saw that you two lovebirds have patched everything up and worked through all the hard times...and then I thought, wow what a huge waste of server space...and now I have unfortunately made that wasted space this much bigger...


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## GO!!! (4 Jul 2006)

but when the wind blows through the trees you can hear it!  :


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## paracowboy (4 Jul 2006)

I'm locking this soap opera down, and if anyone can give me one good reason why it shouldn't be deleted, you have 24 hours to pm me.


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## snowy (4 Jul 2006)

because its the support that counts(its not a soap opera :) and thats team work, supporting members in the army and outside the army


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## paracowboy (4 Jul 2006)

snowy said:
			
		

> its not a soap opera


yeah it is. And don't lecture me on Teamwork.


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