# Spouse's Concerns



## Strategic (28 Nov 2005)

I recently went to talk with a recruiter with my wife about joining the forces. We found out all the information I could want to know about joining. The one thing we could not find out about was military life after you were in. My wife expresses concerns about me joining if I have to leave or when we do have kids that I will miss their birthdays/Christmas.

There must be some married /parents in the forces that have to deal with these situations. Would you be able to enlighten me on how you deal with it. Or what I could help say to ease my wife's concerns.

Thanks!


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## Jarnhamar (28 Nov 2005)

You'll be hard pressed to find an answer. Everyone is different. Some people can handle being away from their spouses while it makes others sick. It depends ont he type of relationship you have with your better half. I've been going away every summer for 9 years including a few year long periods where I was away and we're perfectly fine.  To be honest we find that if I'm home too long we start to get on each others nerves (read: I get on her nerves).

Can't say much about kids since my wife and I don't have any.  Considering the state of the economy and how hard it is to find jobs/medical and dental plans etc.. the military is a seriously good way to go.


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## Bert (28 Nov 2005)

If entering the military, one has to expect that courses, taskings and deployments will take the
member from the familiy from time to time.  My wife and I balance the separation woes with 
the ability to save money.  She was accepting but unhappy with my recent tour.  We were
able to pack away a nice lump of cash for RRSPs and savings and to her that was an acceptable
trade-off.  It will always be a balance of things.


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## Spartan (28 Nov 2005)

It struck me kind of interesting when I asked about an information package - that would cover overall things to expect with respect to life after you join - aimed at your other, at CFRC - that this doesn't exist. I would think that this would be another tool a recruiter/CFRC could utilize in convincing those who are hesistant to join up because of family/other/etc. It could also be utilized by the potential applicant in discussions with their other, if their other isn't fully set on a military lifestyle.


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## George Wallace (28 Nov 2005)

Spartan 

Well, there is an old saying:   "If the Army had meant you to have a wife, they would have issued you one."

The CF is 'Recruiting' you; not your Girl friend, not your Wife, not your Family.   Those are all things that you will have time for later, not on Basic.   

If you got a job anywhere else, would you get the same considerations?


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## Roy Harding (28 Nov 2005)

Strategic said:
			
		

> I recently went to talk with a recruiter with my wife about joining the forces. We found out all the information I could want to know about joining. The one thing we could not find out about was military life after you were in. My wife expresses concerns about me joining if I have to leave or when we do have kids that I will miss their birthdays/Christmas.
> 
> There must be some married /parents in the forces that have to deal with these situations. Would you be able to enlighten me on how you deal with it. Or what I could help say to ease my wife's concerns.
> 
> Thanks!



My wife and I raised three sons while we were both in the Service.  (We're retired now).  I missed more birthdays than I can count, three Christmas's that I recall, and my wife missed a couple of birthdays in her time too (I deployed more often than her).

Our three sons are now a Mechanical Engineer, a Psychiatrist, and an R.N. (working toward an MD).  I've spoken to each of them, as I have some regrets regarding missing "family time", and not just "being there".

Each of them told me that although I was not always physically present, my "presence" was always there - they knew that I was contributing to something larger than just our family - they were proud of my contribution, and took my example as a model for their own lives.

I'm proud of all of them, and I'm proud that they took my service as an amplification of my dedication to them, not a subtraction from it.

Everybody's circumstances are different - how your own situation will work out, I cannot tell.  However - giving your offspring an example to live up to is not a bad aim.

Your call.


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## NavComm (29 Nov 2005)

Roy, congratulations on raising successful children and having a wonderful spouse! Your message rings very true to me. At my ripe age of 46 (45 when I signed up) I decided to join the navy. I talked to my family about my decision. They were totally supportive -   albeit I am only going reserve, I will still spend many months (and weekends) away from them during my training.

I think what you say is very true if you have good communications with your loved ones. IMO successful relationships and unconditional love come from allowing each of us to be our own selves. By you and your wife setting the example, you allowed your own children to decide what they wanted to do with their lives.

As an aside, my mother was widowed at an early age, raised three children on her own and they are now : 1) railway worker 30+years, 2) railway engineer 25+ years and 3) clerical worker 20+ years, now a proud member of the Canadian Forces. My Mom is very proud of all three. She never misses an opportunity to let us all know how proud she is. To me, it's a reflection of her convictions and the wonderful hardworking example she set, that contributes to our success.

edit: spelling


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## Strategic (29 Nov 2005)

I appreciate all the replies and info you have relayed to me. If anyone has any other advice to share please do so.

I have no problem with leaving but my wife is concerned with me missing out. I found out that the trainer at my work is retired  from the forces. He said he would be happy to speak with me and my wife to address her concerns. He is even going to bring his wife so she can relate first hand. 

Thanks!


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## Springroll (29 Nov 2005)

I am going to echo what Ghost778 said. It really depends on the particular family. 

I met my husband when he was on his QL3 course and I already had a 3 year old son. Now we have 3 kids ages 11, 7 and 4. We have based our relationship on communication and making sure our children know that when daddy is home, we have the best times we can. We also make sure that we display our love for each other in front of the kids. Nothing too drastic, just kisses, cuddles on the couch, that sort of thing. 

My husband has a hard job as it is, and too make it easier on him, I do my best to make every trip as positive of an experience as I can for the kids. I explain to them why daddy is gone, how important it is that he is gone, and I explain to them that he is a hero and without him and other kid's parents before us, we would not be able to enjoy the freedoms that we do have. I make the chats age appropriate and always accept feedback from them. Of course, the kids always love when daddy brings something home for them. His last trip was out to Faslane, Scotland, to accompany the Chicoutimi, and he brought back a rock from the beach there and gave it to our oldest son. Our son now keeps his "scottish" rock on the shelf at the head of his bed. He said it was the best gift he ever got even though he got a couple cool trinkets from Cork, Ireland and other places that my husband has visited. 

There will always be hard times for her and the kids, but as long as your wife is able to provide the comfort that the kids need at the time, and make sure she gets a bit of "mommy time" everything will work out.


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## tourwife (2 Dec 2005)

Our three sons are now a Mechanical Engineer, a Psychiatrist, and an R.N. (working toward an MD).   I've spoken to each of them, as I have some regrets regarding missing "family time", and not just "being there".

Each of them told me that although I was not always physically present, my "presence" was always there - they knew that I was contributing to something larger than just our family - they were proud of my contribution, and took my example as a model for their own lives.

I'm proud of all of them, and I'm proud that they took my service as an amplification of my dedication to them, not a subtraction from it.

Everybody's circumstances are different - how your own situation will work out, I cannot tell.   However - giving your offspring an example to live up to is not a bad aim.

Your call.
[/quote]
Well said, and as a military wife, with children, we can totally agree.


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## Strategic (20 Jan 2006)

Thank you for all your repplies you have given some good insight to my situation. I guess its a little sacarry entering new exspearience or the unknown.

Thanks!


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## FastEddy (29 Jan 2006)

George Wallace said:
			
		

> Spartan
> 
> Well, there is an old saying:   "If the Army had meant you to have a wife, they would have issued you one."
> 
> ...




Every now and then you see or read something that warms the Cockells of your Heart.

George, you just made my day, I was beginning to think I was marching to a different drummer.

Spartan, it may sound harsh, but in my day, if I had taken my Mother/Girlfriend to the Recruiting Depot,
they would have told me I had the wrong building, the Ballet was next door.

Cheers.


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## Izzie (29 Jan 2006)

Here's the view from the kids' point of view. I was the child in a military family (mom, dad), for all my life.  We moved every three years, all across Canada.  It is hard for kids to adapt like that, but it makes them stronger more developed people in the end.  I made friends all across Canada, some of which I still have contact with to this day.  I don't have any regrets whatsoever about my childhood.  Today, I myself am following in my parents' footsteps and engaging a military career.  I am glad that I had the introduction to military life that I did, or I would not be on the path I am today.  Just a thought.


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## GO!!! (29 Jan 2006)

Izzie said:
			
		

> Here's the view from the kids' point of view. I was the child in a military family (mom, dad), for all my life.  We moved every three years, all across Canada.  It is hard for kids to adapt like that, but it makes them stronger more developed people in the end.  I made friends all across Canada, some of which I still have contact with to this day.  I don't have any regrets whatsoever about my childhood.  Today, I myself am following in my parents' footsteps *and engaging a military career*.  I am glad that I had the introduction to military life that I did, or I would not be on the path I am today.  Just a thought.



Wow that's hardcore - I only joined up!


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## Cansky (1 Feb 2006)

Well I'm a service wife and I'm a soldier.  I have 3 girls, 7, 5, 1 years old.  I had a Sgt tell me not long after my first daughter was born ( I was a Cpl then).  "There will be hard times ahead.  Long periods away but always remember its the quality not the quantity that you spend with your family"  I have lived by that, I went to Afghanistan in 02, and am now a Sgt.  My one daughter had a very traumatic injury when she was 3 (doing well now) but the other daughter handles all changes as if it is just another bump in the road, and tomorrow is a new day. I'm presently getting ready to go to Germany and the kids only comment is bring us something cool.  So remember that love your spouse and kids, let them know everyday they matter. Enjoy the job, but go home to them and make them feel that when you are there, you are there with them. 
Hope this all helps.
Kirsten


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## Good2Golf (1 Feb 2006)

My wife jokes about only having to share the bed with our three cats while I'm away...guess we'll be getting a king-sized when I get back... ;D

Strategic, if you are in a town with a base, go and visit the MFRC ( Miltary Family Resource Centre -- start getting used to acronyms   ) and see what services theywould  provide, both for you and your wife, and for kids if/when you have tem.

We've found that communication is very important...getting a good heads up on things and discussing what they mean for you guys as a team will do wonders for dealing with the curve balls that life in general will supply you and military life will specifically.

Best of luck.

Cheers,
Duey


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## GO!!! (1 Feb 2006)

FastEddy said:
			
		

> Every now and then you see or read something that warms the Cockells of your Heart.
> 
> George, you just made my day, I was beginning to think I was marching to a different drummer.
> 
> ...



Fast eddy, I 100% agree.

This is a job, would you bring your wife to an interview anywhere else? 

She is not joining the army, neither are your kids. You are. They are just following you to a new location. 

If you are the type of man who cannot be seperated from the house for a few months, seek employment elsewhere. The first few years in the military are specifically geared towards 17-21 year olds, you will have difficulty, especially with a family on the phone every day.

IME, the military breaks weak people and weak relationships, so if you are having doubts now, think where you will be when you are collapsing into bed every day at 11:00 just to rise at 5:00 the next day - and your wife is bit**ing at you to call every night, or when you get your 10 minute weekly phone call home, and it gets cut short because the bad guys start mortaring the camp.

Wives are camp followers, unless they are in the military themselves - so unless she is 100% behind you - give it up.


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## DanielleAnne (7 Mar 2006)

What about husbands? I am going to join and I always hear about army wifes but what about the Husbands? What should they expect? If my husband joins as well how will we care for our children (we have no other family)? there are some valid questions here and I am sure that MOST of us realize that the army is recruiting us not our spouses.


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## armyvern (7 Mar 2006)

DanielleAnne said:
			
		

> What about husbands? I am going to join and I always hear about army wifes but what about the Husbands? What should they expect? If my husband joins as well how will we care for our children (we have no other family)? there are some valid questions here and I am sure that MOST of us realize that the army is recruiting us not our spouses.


My husband and I are both in the service. We have two children and we have both been away from home doing many tours, courses and fulfilling other training requirements. Both of my children adapted well to either of us being away, and are now asking when one of us will be going away again. 
Childcare is an important issue for all miliatry service couples with little ones. While family is the optimal choice when in need of long-term childcare due to deployments or courses, it is not the only one. Although you have no other family, you will quickly find yourselves part of the larger CF family and all the support services that it provides.
Although both my husband and my families are wonderful, we have been to many postings to opposite ends of the country from them and most service couples with children (or serving single parents) have experienced the same. 
Due to the nature of the 'military career' not even those of us with families can depend upon them being close by when last minute or long term child-care is required. In my case, my parents are quite willing to keep my children during any long-term requirements; however, my spouse and I found it less disruptive to the kids not to do this as it would have entailed both their mom and dad being away and them temporarily leaving their trusted friends and schools. Instead, we had trusted friends look after them, left them in their current schools with their friends around, and my parents visited as often as possible. We talked to them on the phone as often as we could, wrote letters, e-mailed (& now chat!!) and sent little care-packages back and forth. In the end, it all worked out well and the kids did well in school and adjusted nicely. Again, it is not preferred to be seperated, but sometimes it is required. 
You will need to find the right solution for you and your family.

I am attaching the link to the Gagetwon MFRC for anyone interested in a sampling of what they have to offer:

http://www.mfrcgagetown.nb.ca/english/index.asp


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## GO!!! (7 Mar 2006)

DanielleAnne said:
			
		

> What about husbands? I am going to join and I always hear about army wifes but what about the Husbands?



I find these to be a tiny minority in the CF. I have no data to back it up, but I have found _most_ women in the CF are either married to service members or "not the marrying type". As a result, I would not expect a civilian husband to be very well recieved at the MFRC, as they do a marginal job (here in edmonton anyway) of supporting the spouses of deployed troops.

Your unit rear party is usually of far more assistance to spouses than the MFRC, which is essentially a 9-5 business, with very little capacity or desire to work outside of this time frame.


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## tourwife (9 Apr 2006)

Your unit rear party is usually of far more assistance to spouses than the MFRC, which is essentially a 9-5 business, with very little capacity or desire to work outside of this time frame. 
[/quote]

I find your advice of great concern.  I'm a military wife, and I also work with the MFRC at the Deployment Support Centre.  Although yes, we are only open 8-5, myself working the 9-5 shift, we have a Sgt who is on duty 24/7 and obviously is more then capable of dealing with the military dealings that are sometimes faced by spouses left behind.  We are centralliy located so that spouses who do not wish to go to their husbands home units can go somewhere that is nuetral and less intimidating then the units sometimes put off.  All that work within the DSC are dressed in civy attire.   We do our callouts to families, have a space for the families to come in and talk; coffee is always on, a play area for the children, computers with internet access so families can e-mail, and most importantly a variety of activities on a monthly basis.  Families can drop mail off for overseas, and we have all the material needed for sending parcels.  MFRC's across Canada are really taking the lead on creating a place for families so they don't have to feel intimidated when walking into their spouse's unit.  Wives, husbands, and other family members are more then welcome to use our services.


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## CdnArtyWife (9 Apr 2006)

tourwife said:
			
		

> Your unit rear party is usually of far more assistance to spouses than the MFRC, which is essentially a 9-5 business, with very little capacity or desire to work outside of this time frame.
> 
> 
> I find your advice of great concern.  I'm a military wife, and I also work with the MFRC at the Deployment Support Centre.  Although yes, we are only open 8-5, myself working the 9-5 shift, we have a Sgt who is on duty 24/7 and obviously is more then capable of dealing with the military dealings that are sometimes faced by spouses left behind.  We are centralliy located so that spouses who do not wish to go to their husbands home units can go somewhere that is nuetral and less intimidating then the units sometimes put off.  All that work within the DSC are dressed in civy attire.   We do our callouts to families, have a space for the families to come in and talk; coffee is always on, a play area for the children, computers with internet access so families can e-mail, and most importantly a variety of activities on a monthly basis.  Families can drop mail off for overseas, and we have all the material needed for sending parcels.  MFRC's across Canada are really taking the lead on creating a place for families so they don't have to feel intimidated when walking into their spouse's unit.  Wives, husbands, and other family members are more then welcome to use our services.



To add to that, it has been my experience that not all units are so readily willing and/or capable of supporting the families left at home. The units that do, go above and beyond, but those that don't give off a callous air, one that says "we don't care, fend for yourself."

Many spouses, male or female, left behind during course, exercise or deployment try their darnedest to manage on their own. Often times, just knowing the MFRC is there is peace of mind, even if they never have to use it. MFRCs were established as a neutral entity, not within the chain of command, that could provide resources and services so that military families can support themselves in an environment that is not as intimidating as unit HQ. They are not meant to be a crutch (though some use it as that), and the main goal is to promote resourcefullness and resilience within the military community.

Rear parties are good, unit support is good, MFRC's are good, but the onus is on all of us to learn how to cope in the best way we can, and we are provided with the tools and resources to do so from several military and community agencies.


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## Springroll (9 Apr 2006)

CdnArtyWife said:
			
		

> To add to that, it has been my experience that not all units are so readily willing and/or capable of supporting the families left at home. The units that do, go above and beyond, but those that don't give off a callous air, one that says "we don't care, fend for yourself."
> 
> Many spouses, male or female, left behind during course, exercise or deployment try their darnedest to manage on their own. Often times, just knowing the MFRC is there is peace of mind, even if they never have to use it.



This is so true!!
I have found the MFRC to be an incredible resource and a wonderful support during times when I felt alone and forgotten by my husband's ship.
They have gone way beyond in their assistance to us when my husband was gone and we had 2 deaths in our family within 24 hours.They are a fantastic resource and without them I don't know what I, or many other spouses, would do.


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## GO!!! (9 Apr 2006)

CdnArtyWife said:
			
		

> To add to that, it has been my experience that not all units are so readily willing and/or capable of supporting the families left at home. The units that do, go above and beyond, but those that don't give off a callous air, one that says "we don't care, fend for yourself."



This is very true, but the same callous and indifferent air is often apparent with the MFRC staff, especially if your emergency happens at 1550 on a friday. My wife was actually referred to my unit rear party, _by_ the MFRC staff, who were all on their way out the door. The unit did a great job, no complaints there, but the MFRC should not be viewed as some sort of benevolent organisation, it is a cadre of federal government employees, many times with little vested interest or association with the military beyond their working hours.

Also;
-The MFRC sold kids t-shirts and other small items during Op Apollo. They never arrived.
-Packages left at the MFRC for "free" delivery sat in a back room until after leave, when they were returned to us at the unit. We were told that the MFRC staff "forgot"
-MFRC staff (including the director) never, ever answer their phones or return phone calls. Conversely, the unit rear party was more than willing to put you on the line with the OC of rear party, or the family support Sgt, to answer what questions you had. Their cell was always on.

The MFRCs very well might do some good work, but my experiences with them have left me with the impression that this is an organisation that exists only to provide support to people who are willing to stand in front of them and demand it, they may be beneficial for spouses who are homemakers, and live on the base, but if you work, or live off base, they close their doors at 1600, too bad for you.


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## Springroll (9 Apr 2006)

GO!!! said:
			
		

> This is very true, but the same callous and indifferent air is often apparent with the MFRC staff, especially if your emergency happens at 1550 on a The MFRCs very well might do some good work, but my experiences with them have left me with the impression that this is an organisation that exists only to provide support to people who are willing to stand in front of them and demand it, they may be beneficial for spouses who are homemakers, and live on the base, but if you work, or live off base, they close their doors at 1600, too bad for you.



We live off base and have never had any issues getting in contact with someone there. When we required emergency respite care, they had someone arranged within the hour, and they were at my house the next morning at 5am. 

This sounds more like it may be the particular MFRC in your area. I know the one in Victoria wasn't near as great as the one out here in Hfx but I have not had any problems with getting in touch with anyone there.


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## BillN (9 Apr 2006)

GO! wrote: "I would not expect a civilian husband to be very well recieved at the MFRC, as they do a marginal job (here in edmonton anyway) of supporting the spouses of deployed troops."

This is VERY true, I'm the "ex-military" side of the relationship these days.  When my wife deployed on HMCS Winnipeg to the Gulf the MFRC in Victoria was next to useless.  No information flowed my way, though I know it went to the wives, just as I was never told of any of the briefings the wives received to keep them up to date.  Lucky for me I knew where to find the MFRC website and read everything I needed to know !

Now that we're posted to Kingston I find the MFRC here just as bad, they are not geared up to help the husbands of serving members what so ever.

Bill


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## camochick (9 Apr 2006)

I've heard too many horror stories about the MFRC to go there (just recently heard a story where a wife went there for the first time for some baby and me meeting and everyone shunned her and sat their gossping about everyone else, she said it was too cliqey). Plus I am one of the ones who lives off base so their hours just dont fit into my schedule. I have however had an awesome experience with my husbands rear party family support. I can call there for just about anything and they will answer my question. We had an emergency right after my husband left for the ghan and they had him on the phone within an hour.
Perhaps the MFRC's are great, but I guess I just dont have any use for it right now, and if i wanted my business talked about all over base, i would put up a billboard! 
I guess people just have to find what works for them when their loved one is gone, either the MFRC or the battalion family support.  >


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## GO!!! (9 Apr 2006)

My proposal would be to cut the MFRCs budget by about 50-75%, and give that money to the rear party of the deployed unit(s), for spending as the Rear Pty OC saw fit. 

This would remove the 9-5 civvies from the equation and replace them with actual soldiers, whose intimate knowledge of what is going on, whose wife he is speaking with, and knowing that he will have to face hubby when he comes home in a few months. 

I guarantee that Cpl Broken Ankle on rear party will not tell a wife to call back on monday. He will deal with it, or he will stay on the phone until he finds someone who can.

IME, the biggest "worry" for the spouses is the sheer amount of questions. "Where is he sleeping?, Why can he only call for ten minutes at a time, and only at 0330? What was that press release?" The MFRC has no staff even remotely qualified to answer these questions, while the Unit rear party does. The money going to the unit would enable 2 or 3 family support vehicles, a 24hour hotline to a soldier from the deployed unit, regular updates, meetings at times when working spouses can attend etc.


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## camochick (9 Apr 2006)

GO, I agree with you. My husband's rear party has gone above and beyond what I ever expected of them. It is reasurring to know that I can call them with any concern I have and they will find the answer right then and there. They also host weekly events for the spouses and send out regular emails to let us know what is going on. And it certainly makes me feel better that these people are actually in the forces and know what is going on, for the most part.  >


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## tourwife (10 Apr 2006)

It goes without saying that someone including myself is going to have a bad experience with an MFRC at some point.  The gossiping that goes with it is the gossip of military wives no matter what base you go on.  The fact is, if you're not a cheating wife, a snobby, stuck up person, and you do your best to get along with your neighbours, you have next to nothing to worry about.  There are always going to be cliques. 

Not going into an MFRC based on "what you've heard" doesn't qualify you to give an answer on the services or the friendliness of a place.  Don't judge the employees based on the wives that go there and where their husbands rank.  Although it's unfortunate that these mindless people exist, there's no way that staff can regulate it.

I can't speak for every MFRC, but I can say that the MFRC in Edmonton has a military member working there 24/7.  He's physically in the office between 8-4, but otherwise carries a cell phone on him that is on every minute of the day.  He works for the Deployment Support Centre and NOT the MFRC.  He's his own boss, and therefore the only time he needs to answer to the director is pretty much when booking rooms, or when it comes to using the funding or the MFRC name.

Kingston, and Petawawa are coming along way with their MFRC from what I've seen recently.  Although I have never been to Kingston, I was posted to Pet for 5 years, been through 2 tours there, and a couple of courses.  I didn't get the support there at the time that was needed from a wife's prospective, although I did volunteer there.  They are making long strides to help in the deployment side of things.

It's sad to say the least that not every base can follow in these footsteps and provide the same resources.  It is however nice to hear that some units are picking up the slack and taking care of their families.


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## George Wallace (10 Apr 2006)

tourwife said:
			
		

> I can't speak for every MFRC, but I can say that the MFRC in Edmonton has a military member working there 24/7.  He's physically in the office between 8-4, but otherwise carries a cell phone on him that is on every minute of the day.  He works for the Deployment Support Centre and NOT the MFRC.  He's his own boss, and therefore the only time he needs to answer to the director is pretty much when booking rooms, or when it comes to using the funding or the MFRC name.


This is where you are wrong and you contradict yourself.  You say that the Edmonton MFRC has a military member working 24 and 7 and then you go on to say that he works for the Deployment Support Centre and NOT the MFRC.  The Deployment Support Centre is not part of the MFRC and it is manned by pers from the Deployed Units 24 and 7.  For Spouses of Deployed Pers, there are three organizations for support: the Unit and its' Rear Party, the Bde Deployment Support Centre, and the MFRC.

The degree of support one receives from any organization is only as good as the people who are doing that support.  In some cases you have people who can competently do the job with care and compassion, and in others you have people who just don't care about anything but the paycheck.

The MFRCs and Deployment Support Centres came about because of the differences and hardships that many Rear Parties had in fulfilling their role.  Some Units were very capable of performing the job, while others were not.  Usually a large Unit was able to do a better job than a small Unit.  Some Units were only two or three man Detachments.  Even the large Units became strained after multiple Deployments.  In the end, the creation of more Resources, for the Spouses and families left behind, has greatly improved the situation from what it was before any of these existed.


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## tourwife (21 Apr 2006)

I find it interesting how you seem to know so much about nothing at all.  I work for the MFRC IN the DEPLOYMENT SUPPORT CENTRE, therefore I do know what I'm talking about.  The DSC does not work for the MFRC, but they are in the MFRC and are partially manned by military and civy members.  It is not manned by deployed units at all.  Each unit has an FSS (Family Support Officer) and it's own rear party, which works with the DSC to plan events that is both DSC and MFRC.


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## George Wallace (21 Apr 2006)

tourwife said:
			
		

> I find it interesting how you seem to know so much about nothing at all.  I work for the MFRC IN the DEPLOYMENT SUPPORT CENTRE, therefore I do know what I'm talking about.  The DSC does not work for the MFRC, but they are in the MFRC and are partially manned by military and civy members.  It is not manned by deployed units at all.  Each unit has an FSS (Family Support Officer) and it's own rear party, which works with the DSC to plan events that is both DSC and MFRC.



REALLY!  I am soo glad that you are the CF wide SME.    :


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## GO!!! (21 Apr 2006)

George Wallace said:
			
		

> REALLY!  I am soo glad that you are the CF wide SME.    :



+1

tourwife, it is indeed strange how the wives of some members believe that they derive some sort of special knowledge or authority in military affairs from the station of their husband...


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## tourwife (26 Apr 2006)

GO!!! said:
			
		

> +1
> 
> tourwife, it is indeed strange how the wives of some members believe that they derive some sort of special knowledge or authority in military affairs from the station of their husband...



As stated, it has nothing to do with my husbands military affairs, it has to do with working there.  And as stated earlier, I don't quote to know what EVERY mfrc does, just what the* Edmonton * MFRC does.


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## DraketheDuck (1 May 2006)

GO!!! said:
			
		

> +1
> 
> tourwife, it is indeed strange how the wives of some members believe that they derive some sort of special knowledge or authority in military affairs from the station of their husband...



Don't let my wife hear you say that!  Fact is in our house, she usually does know more about what is going on in most areas that affect our family, in regard to this stuff than I do.  Hate to admit it, but it is true.


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## Chimo (1 May 2006)

This has turned into a discussion, it seems on the usefulness of the MFRCs. How soon things change around. I have lived in the time before MFRCs and through the growing pains of the organization to what it is today. Is any MFRC perfect,no. Do they provide a meaningful service, yes.

I too, was a naysayer at one time. I was complaining about the service or more accurately the lack of service at a particular MFRC. The person I spoke to challenged me to join the Board of Directors and make a difference. I am a serving member of a deployable unit but took on the challenge anyway. It was very rewarding and a great learning experience.

GO, I wonder when you saw, heard or experienced the shortcoming of the MFRC what your immediate action was? Did you pick up the phone or visit the Centre and speak to the person responsible for that service? Did you call the Executive Director? Did you speak with the Chair of the Board of Directors? I am sure if you had an issue in your unit you would seek to rectify it using the appropriate person. I personally know many of the people working at the Edmonton MFRC, they are a dedicated bunch that work very hard. They are not, generally speaking military spouses, so there is a learning curve attached to things they do. Do they only work 8-5, no. I seem to remember them at DAGs as we flew off to Afghanistan and when we arrived back whatever the hour.

I am particularly tired of the worn out phrase, " if the Army wanted you to have a wife..." that is horse-shit and does not reflect our present military. Spouse bring added value to a soldiers life and put up with much more any ANY spouse should. Our military has an obligation to offer the best support possible to our spouses and our families. Happy families generally make a happy soldier.

So in summary, if you have an issue with the MFRC you can 1. sit and whine, or 2 go and try and solve it and perhaps educate yourself and the person at the MFRC on how to deal with the issue.


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## TCBF (1 May 2006)

My experience - or, more to the point, my wife's experience - with the Edmonton MFRC wasduring Op APOLLO when I was in Kandahar.  Essentially, they were outclassed by the Regtl Fam Sup Cells, and spent too much of their time trying to prove their relevance - which is NIL.  When the Tarnak Farm bombing happened, the MFRC did nothing to start the phone calls to the wives who were watching the story on TV, but had no word about their husbands.  The chain 'it wasn't yours' phone calls made after the NOK notifications did NOT happen.

MFRC is a waste of time, put the money back into the Regimental Family Support Troop where it belongs.



Tom


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## Centurian1985 (1 May 2006)

Staying more on topic about advice for wives of service-members (or husbands of service-members):

The soldiers in the CF have a high divorce rate.  I cant support the fact that it is higher than on the civilian side with statistics, and will admit Im wrong, but it appears that it is.  So you might want to tell your spouse the following (based on what my wife tells me she learned, and on what I heard from other couples, and a few 'deal-breakers'):

1) if you dont like the military or the things the military does, dont marry a soldier, and dont get married just because they are going away on tour! 
2) expect seperations; lengthy, often, and occasionally to interesting parts of the world where your bastard spouse will suntan and drink a lot of alcohol. 
3) if you are still single when you get in, never get married until your spouse has suffered through at least one tour; if he/she is still around wehen you get back then he/she is a 'keeper'. 
4) if you are single, dont marry a spouse who doesnt know how to control money, or doesnt want to learn how.
5) a spouse will need to 'readjust' when they get back from a tour; expect horniness, and difficulty in treating important that which they see as minor issues. 
6) never say anything nasty over the phone to your spouse when you or they are in a foreign country and cant call back for a week. 
7) dont invent problems so that the spouse will be sent home on compassionate leave, there are enough real-life emergencies to worry about.
8) learn to stand on your own 2 feet, your spouse cant come home and fix it so you'll have to fix it yourself.
9) your spouse is not going to change trades just to keep you happy, they'll change trades when they are ready.
10) birthdays and other special events WILL be missed; thats what phones, email and cards are for.

I was lucky, my ladybird stuck by me for my whole career! (despite 2, 3, 5, 6, 8, and 10!!)


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## angeie (4 May 2006)

I agree, many MFRC's are great and some need a little work!


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## *star (12 May 2006)

Mr. Centurian1985 and Mrs. Centurian1985 you have provided excellent advice.

Anyone thinking about a long-term relationship or marriage to a military member should read your post. 

That is the way "the life" is. 

I've tried to explain "the life" to others, now I'll just direct them to your post!

Thank you.


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## Booked_Spice (13 May 2006)

Okay, Hello everyone.. I have loads of comments after reading everyone posts.

First and foremost my hubby is currently serving over in the ghan. This is our first tour and boy I had some ups and downs.. I am from Edmonton so I can comment on the MFRC. First off I would like to say Thank you to them. They had a booth set up at every pre-deployment meeting. They also answered all my questions and they keep me informed on a regular basis. I also agree there are always room for improvements but what company or the Army for that matter cannot have a few improvements done.

The 2nd point I would like to make is the rear Party for this "ROTO" is unbelievable. I don't think I could of made it the last couple of months without the support of them.The activities that they plan for deployed families is unbelievable.

Now my next comments. I have laughed at some of these posts about my BF is cheating BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Okay it takes one hell of a woman( not sure if I can use this on here but oh well.. I am a redneck LOL) to be married to a man in the army. First and foremost you need to be independent, be a mother a father and a cheerleader and have really strong shoulders. But I will tell you this. If anyone is considering marrying a CF member, Be ready and able to marry the military as well. Now with that said, I am very proud to be the Wife of A Soldier and may my kids be raised in the values and freedoms that these men and woman die protecting.


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## Ashes (18 May 2006)

My Father served for 26 years in the Navy as a Chief. He was offered an Officer position but he turned it down so he could spend more time with me. He retired from the Navy when I was 6 years old. He missed many of my birthdays and holidays.I didn't get the chance to see him that much. Maybe because it was the Navy and he was on the ship a lot. If you plan on having children and want to be there for all the important things maybe it's not for you. I turned out fine, just wish I had more time with him when I was younger.Just thought I'd share that with you.  

*edited for spelling*


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## Roy Harding (21 May 2006)

I have been with the same girl since 1977.  I married her in 1980.  We raised three kids together (actually, SHE raised three kids - I checked in once in a while).

I'm retired now, but served from '77 - '80, and then again from '82 - '04.  During that time I did eight tours - where doesn't matter, but not all of them included LTA, or phones.  At one point I was away for a year without a an LTA, VTA, or other "reunioun" benefit, and there were NO telephones provided for me (I had access to civilian facilities, at civilian prices - OUCH!!)

My girl stuck with me - and I remained stuck on her.  I had "opportunities" - especially when I was Airborne (that old Maroon Beret seemed to be better panty solvent than booze OR chocolate)!!  That I did not "take advantage" of those opportunities was because I was (and am) totally dedicated to the girl I married.  There was a time when (false) rumours reached the home front, and the poor girl (raising three toddlers at the time) had to accept my word against "theirs" - it wasn't easy then, and I don't imagine it's easy now.

Bottom line - most men and women I have served with are people of PRINCIPLE, in ALL aspects of their life - they lay their lives down for principle.  What makes you think that they'd forget those principles the first time some girl/guy "shakes their booties" at them??

Are there duplicitous idiots in the military?  Absolutely.  Are they the majority?  Absolutely not.

Don't worry about your man/woman - he/she remains themselves, deployed or not.  If you've got to worry about him/her when they're home, then you've got a problem.  Distance will not change people - it simply reinforces their strengths and weaknesses.

Don't know if that helped or not - but that's my two cents.


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