# How to deal



## Muir (6 Nov 2006)

Ok, so here’s the thing. There are some people in my corps that drive me insane. (Not naming any names). When I have to be around them I just become a complete b*tch and want to beat the crap out of them. So I spend a lot of nights either punching walls or biting my lip to pieces to try and stop myself.

These are the people who don’t seem to know what they are doing and don’t seem to realize how a cadet is supposed to act. They are the one’s that are constantly being yelled at for moving in ranks, having bad uniforms, etc. They don’t pay attention in classes and they have no respect for higher or even equal ranks to them. They complain about other people and can’t seem to realize their own problems. They are the people who do less than half the work of everyone else and then say that tasks are really hard.

I love cadets and being there, but when it takes just one person who I can’t stand talking to me to ruin a good night, I sometimes want to run out of there screaming.

Do any of you have suggestions for how I can deal with this? I don’t need my friends to find me punching the bathroom walls again. And I definitely don’t need to end up actually punching one of these people.

I need advice and I need it soon. So if anyone has any way I can deal with it, help me. (and no, counting to ten doesn't work for me)


----------



## Lerch (6 Nov 2006)

Talk to your NCO's about advance promotions and you could be able to write the required material and move on away from the 'bad apples'.

Otherwise, wait, the instructors and NCO's will eventually root out the problems (or should anyway) and deal with them at a one-on-one level.


----------



## Muir (6 Nov 2006)

The thing is these 'bad apples' haven't been rooted out. Some of them have been in cadets for 2-3 years, in some cases even 5 years. Nothing the NCO's do seems to help. Even when our CO makes remarks about behaviour or uniforms and such they don't pay attention. The only thing that happens is they don't get promoted passed corporal.

All I want is advice on how to calm down and avoid hurting myself or others.


----------



## Lerch (6 Nov 2006)

Take up something like paintball or recreational shooting. Ya know, stress relief activities.

Hell, sewing even works. Be a kitslut ;D


----------



## Burrows (6 Nov 2006)

Cdt/Cpl Muir said:
			
		

> The thing is these 'bad apples' haven't been rooted out. Some of them have been in cadets for 2-3 years, in some cases even 5 years. Nothing the NCO's do seems to help. Even when our CO makes remarks about behaviour or uniforms and such they don't pay attention. The only thing that happens is they don't get promoted passed corporal.
> 
> All I want is advice on how to calm down and avoid hurting myself or others.


So how long have you been in cadets? 

Watch the language btw.


----------



## 3rd Herd (6 Nov 2006)

Welcome to the "real world". You are in the process of learning a very valuable skill, how to deal with those who you would rather not.  You describe a well known type of personality found both in the CF and on civi street to a "T". Do not make it bigger than it is, or punching more holes in walls. Trust me hitting a stud behind the dry wall gives a new meaning to the word pain. If you have a good relationship with one officer/CI talk to them.
Good Luck


----------



## Muir (7 Nov 2006)

Kyle Burrows said:
			
		

> So how long have you been in cadets?



I've only been in cadets for a year, but I joined when I was 16, I'm 17 now so I got advanced and did red and green star in the same training year, I also was never a private, I went straight to corporal. People keep saying I might make Master Corporal by Christmas, but I doubt it. I don't believe those things until they are comming from my CO's mouth.



			
				3rd Herd said:
			
		

> Welcome to the "real world". You are in the process of learning a very valuable skill, how to deal with those who you would rather not.  You describe a well known type of personality found both in the CF and on civi street to a "T". Do not make it bigger than it is, or punching more holes in walls. Trust me hitting a stud behind the dry wall gives a new meaning to the word pain. If you have a good relationship with one officer/CI talk to them.
> Good Luck



I don't have to worry about punching through a wall. The washrooms where we parade have those big brick block walls.


----------



## Lerch (7 Nov 2006)

Either way, dumb people are just another part of life. If you don't learn to put up with their crap now, you'll just have to do it later.


----------



## primer (9 Nov 2006)

Cdt/Cpl Muir said:
			
		

> I've only been in cadets for a year, but I joined when I was 16, I'm 17 now so I got advanced and did red and green star in the same training year, I also was never a private, I went straight to corporal. People keep saying I might make Master Corporal by Christmas, but I doubt it. I don't believe those things until they are comming from my CO's mouth.
> 
> I don't have to worry about punching through a wall. The washrooms where we parade have those big brick block walls.



Well I have seen this before. Older cadets join with younger cadets. Joining at the age of 16 you had to understand your more mature then the little ones. Punching walls is not the way to go either. If your under to much stress with the cadet movement join the P-Res


----------



## andpro (9 Nov 2006)

You will always come across these types of people whether it be in civi streets or in the military, all you have to do is ignore them. As my father once eloquently put it; these people are poop (not quite the vocabulary he used) deflectors, and they end up making you look better. I can see the worry that they will bring the corps standard down, but there is nothing you can do, its up to your senior cadets and CIC officers (or whom ever else maybe in a position of authority) to deal with. Punching walls is not how a cadet is supposed to act either, especially one who is looking to get promoted to master corporal soon. Good luck


----------



## SupersonicMax (9 Nov 2006)

andpro said:
			
		

> but there is nothing you can do, its up to your senior cadets and CIC officers (or whom ever else maybe in a position of authority) to deal with.



What a great way to deal with a problem.... "Oh well, others will deal with it.  I don't have to do this..."

Max


----------



## Trinity (9 Nov 2006)

You can't stop yourself from being angry but you can choose
on how you wish to react to that anger.

You can do something productive or something unproductive (like punching walls)

By recognizing your anger you greatly reduce on acting upon it (punching walls).
When you recognize your emotion it allows you the opportunity not to act through
it and find other ways to relieve it such as talking to a CI.  Also, as others as pointed
out these people will always be that way... you can choose how you want to be.

It's a matter of finding the appropriate outlet for your emotion (whatever it is in whatever situation)
as opposed to letting it eat you up.  

Unfortunately... I don't have that answer for you.  I don't know a good way for YOU
to unload your frustration of the situation that fits you best... but punching walls
and keeping it inside is not a good way of anger/stress management.  Your CI is
a fantastic idea or Senior NCO's who can listen to you.  Usually venting helps incredibly
and allows you to see a larger picture with feedback from others.  

Others with cadet experience can tell you ways they found to cope upon recognizing
when they are overcome with emotion in these situations.


----------



## andpro (9 Nov 2006)

SupersonicMax said:
			
		

> What a great way to deal with a problem.... "Oh well, others will deal with it.  I don't have to do this..."
> 
> Max


I didn't tell her to pass the buck, I was merely stating that she is not in a position of enough authorityto deal with it. I am sorry that you misunderstood, I thought I was pretty straightforward.


----------



## spud (9 Nov 2006)

andpro said:
			
		

> I didn't tell her to pass the buck, I was merely stating that she is not in a position of enough authorityto deal with it. I am sorry that you misunderstood, I thought I was pretty straightforward.



 I always feel like a jerk when I take this position, however:

Is authority to deal with it even an issue here? A young cadet so mad at other cadets they are punching the walls and ready hit another cadet? It doesn't sound like a cadet problem as much as it sounds like a coping problem.

I would say 1.) really take heed of the advice in Trinity's posting, read it several times, I know I did........and/or 2.) get out of cadets with your sanity before you do something you will really regret. 

I do hope things work out for you. 

potato


----------



## Trinity (9 Nov 2006)

spud said:
			
		

> I would say 1.) really take heed of the advice in Trinity's posting, read it several times, I know I did.



Be afraid.. people agree with me.

The key to ANY situation in life is to ALWAYS recognize your emotions.
If we don't recognize our emotion (whatever it is) our actions will be as
a result of the emotion.  By recognizing your emotion you then allow yourself
the chance to control your actions.  It's a really cool but simple thing to do.

It... does take practice and talking to someone after events/things happen
to help solidify the skill.  Hence.. the talking to a CI or anyone about how
you FEEL.  Feelings are the key. 

I feel like a traitor to the male species because I can now talk feelings.
HOWEVER.. the girls LOVE it!


----------



## andpro (9 Nov 2006)

Look everybody Trinity has feelings!!!!!    

Seriously though Trinity makes an excellent point, follow his advice.


----------



## Zell_Dietrich (10 Nov 2006)

As much as it frightens me to say it,  I think that Trinity is bang on with his advice.  Learning how to take your healthy feelings of anger and annoyance and turn it into something positive would be a good thing. I think that the first step in doing that is to recognize where your feelings are coming from.

From my own experience I've learned that when I'm really really angry with someone/thing it is because I see them as threatening something that I care about. For example the smelly person on the subway is annoying but It doesn't anger me.  However if a convicted sexual child predator moved down the street from me I'd be enraged before ever seeing him/her. The difference being that there is a threat to something I care about.  

It has been pointed out that their unprofessional conduct can easily be to your advantage.  They take all the heat in the inspection while you come out looking great. I know I've gotten through an inspection or two with no hassles because the instructor had to deal with guys who were far worse. You will be promoted above them instead of having to wait for them to move on to open up a position for you. May I ask what harm you seem them doing in being so sloppy?  Do you see them as being harmful or potentially harmful to something you care about?

Although,  it could be that they are just "big stupid heads".   :warstory:

On a side note,  if you are promoted to MCpl,  I'd encourage you to show restraint.  I'm sure your superiors are aware of the shortcomings and already have an idea of how they want you to deal with them. I've seen in civi-world newly promoted people get fired within their first month because they use their new authority to make things as they think they should be before they check with their boss.


----------



## primer (10 Nov 2006)

Trinity said:
			
		

> Be afraid.. people agree with me.
> 
> The key to ANY situation in life is to ALWAYS recognize your emotions.
> If we don't recognize our emotion (whatever it is) our actions will be as
> ...



You must have learned all this form your Tour in Blackdown  with the God Squad  

still helping them I see, give them a frezzie


----------



## Trinity (10 Nov 2006)

primer said:
			
		

> You must have learned all this form your Tour in Blackdown  with the God Squad



If by tour.. you mean eternity!! :

Actually.. I learned it from placement at Sunnybrook Hospital


----------



## Oli (15 Nov 2006)

... lead by example

way back .... 1980 I was a cpl. callout in Ipperwash out on the range. I was 17 at the time and my Capt. was about 55. We would all sit together and have a smoke break. Us callouts would just throw our butts away but not the Capt. he would field strip his and then ...  he would pick up our butts and field strip them. He did not say anything to us nor did his way of speaking or joking around with us change. Within 3 days we started to field strip ours butts when we went for a smoke break. Within a week I was field stripping all my butts. When I came back after the summer I  picked up any litter or butts other cadets threw down. I was a CWO at the time so you can imagine the kind of looks I got.

Our unit would go into the deep forests of Quebec and fire an old Bren Gun. This fully automatic WWII maschine gun is about the coolest thing around. Only the senior NCOs would get to fire the Bren and the rest of us would look on and drool. Finally as a CWO I got the chance. We had a cpl. who was busy loading the banana mags for the Bren. Several senior NCOs were before me. When it was my turn I said to the Cpl. "You loaded the mag: you fire" Leadership is also about sacrifice. Sometimes big sometimes small. 

Try to understand behavior. When my kids ask me why other kids at school bully or disturb the class I ask them " how often do you think they get a hug at home" or do you think their parents tell them that they are proud of them. 

Some kids may have a "bad uniform" because they do not even have an iron at home. Try to get a look behind the scene.

You have to decide

OLi   748 G.G.H.G.


----------



## xo31@711ret (15 Nov 2006)

Good points Oli; 'the first impression is  lasting impression' I found out (the hard way) is usually a crock o' s***. As a young no hooker in 1RCR London in the early 80's (spent beaucoup time in good ol' Iperwash), I usually found that some of my supervisors who, on first meeting them were going to be great, but turned out to be a-**les; same with the other side of the coin; on the first impression had a lot of snr NCO's who on first impression tended to be old decripet a-**les; guess what? - these gentlemen usually turned out to be the most experienced, disciplined, knowledgeable soldiers I had ever had the pleasure of working for. First impressions? It's hard, but I tend to try not to let it cloud my judgement, usually because I'm wrong; tends to be a deeper story there for the individual.

-gerry


----------



## Muir (22 Nov 2006)

I know that there will always be those people you can't stand and that you just wish weren't there. I know this, and I know I have to learn how to deal with them. That's the whole point of this thread. Not for people to state the obvious and say that it's inevitable that I'm going to deal with people like this, but for people to post their ideas of how to deal with this sort of thing. I'll even take what seems to be the stupidest suggestions and consider them. I just need to ways to cope without exploding.


----------



## Zell_Dietrich (22 Nov 2006)

Well,  for me I try to picture them as a crying child who just lost a dog.  I try to remember that somebody loves them, they love somebody;  they have cried in fear, they have known loss. If after I've honestly tried to understand my role in why this person annoys me and I am blameless of projecting, if after I have done my best to see it from their point of view and show compassion and understanding.... if after all of that I still hate them... well that's when I unleash the Irish in me.  ( :threat: ) Percussive therapy, applied sufficiently swiftly can have positive effects.  - I am not advising that though... even if you could get away with it.

Other than the percussive therapy, finding really elaborate and ironic ways to punish them - fun but usually more effort than it is worth. You might try to find a neutral person to whom you can vent all of your feelings to.  Sometimes, sitting down with a neutral person in confidence and telling everything in detail is therapy enough.  

I assume you've told those who frustrate you how they make you feel?  (In a constructive way, "you guys are a bunch of waste of rations shape up or I'll stomp on your throats" while fun to say isn't likely to get the result you want) Have you mentioned to your CO that you feel frustrated by the situation? (once again in a constructive way not "You are a lame leader for allowing these children to act so unprofessionally") I like the format "When "they/you" do "thing that bugs you" I feel "how you feel" because "the reason that action affects you that way". 

For example I used this to my roomate: "When you leave your dishes in the sink for four days I feel disrespected because it means that I can't use the sink and it makes for an unpleasant odder in the apartment, I do my dishes in a timely manner so I don't affect you, can I ask you to please keep the sink clear?"  As wimpy as it sounds it worked.  (I wanted to take all his dirty dishes and put them on his bed, but that wouldn't have made for the result I ultimately wanted)

Worst comes to worst,  make little dolls with their faces on it.... and hit the dolls. :warstory:


----------



## Muir (23 Nov 2006)

It's good advice, to go to my CO, except it didn't seem to help. The person I am having a problem with right now had two sexual harassment complaints from two different female cadets. One quit because she didn't know what to do, the other is my best friend. They all went to the CO. Instead of dealing with it, such as taking away this person's parade position, he has been given a clean slate! A f*cking clean slate! And when I asked why they did that? (these are basically the words told to me) 'It's easier not to deal with it.'

If it happens again? We can't report anything verbally. Everything must be written. Our CO won't even look into it if it's not written. So, while going to the CO is great advice normally, it doesn't work in my situation.

And yes, I have told him to screw off, in a more professional manner, of course. But this person also has no respect for those of equal rank, or even those of higher rank, so he just shrugged it off and continued to act as though he did nothing wrong.


----------



## Zell_Dietrich (23 Nov 2006)

Um... I wanta take back my posts now.   I didn't realise this topic was about sexual harassment,  I thought it was about goof-offs and how to deal with the annoying things they do.

If you feel a crime is being committed, (sexual harassment is a crime)  do it in paper.  If your CO is not following proper procedure there are procedures for that as well. I respect it if you want to be discreet, however there are times when pulling a Papierkrieg is the only thing to do. (Papierkrieg in the I'm filing a formal complaint and I'm setting up the situation so you will get pushed out way,  not the 'pointless paperwork' way.)


----------



## Burrows (23 Nov 2006)

Muir,

Talk to the UHRA.  Sexual harassment is grounds for expulsion from the cadet program.  Watch the language.


----------



## rwgill (23 Nov 2006)

Cdt/Cpl Muir said:
			
		

> If it happens again? We can't report anything verbally. Everything must be written. Our CO won't even look into it if it's not written.



Written complaints are, in a way, a more concrete complaint.  They CO may be covering his/her _behind_.

The CO is not the person to go to in any case.  You should be speaking with your UHRA (as everyone else has stated).  If you are not satisfied, you are permitted to contact your Regional UHRA.


----------



## Muir (24 Nov 2006)

Zell_Dietrich said:
			
		

> Um... I wanta take back my posts now.   I didn't realise this topic was about sexual harassment,  I thought it was about goof-offs and how to deal with the annoying things they do.



It's about goof-offs and the people that do bad things and about getting not only annoyed at them but seriously pissed off to the point where someone could get hurt. The whole point of the thread is to deal with all sorts of people, including those that are annoying to those who are, how to put this, a shame to humanity. I'm just trying to get ideas of how to calm down, slow my heart down and avoid any serious damage to myself or others. Sad fact of life, everyone will know someone annoying, and it's more likely than not that, unfortunately, there will be those people who are sexual harassers or others such things.

And I apologize for the language. Just thinking about some things make me angry,


----------



## Oli (24 Nov 2006)

Cdt/Cpl Muir said:
			
		

> ... but seriously pissed off to the point where someone could get hurt.



you also need to look at yourself, if you have problems controlling yourself, with these normal day to day situations at cadets: it's a sign of immaturity on your part.

Relax, take it step by step. Do your things right and lead by example. You are not here to save the world. There will always be screwups at cadets, at school, at your work place, in government and even some that are running around in uniform...   

Read:

- I'm okay, you're okay (kind of out dated now, but still informative if you aren't familiar with the topic)

- The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People ISBN 0-671-70863-5  " We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit "

oh yea  and Dilbert  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


----------



## ryanmann356 (27 Nov 2006)

Cdt/Cpl Muir said:
			
		

> I'm just trying to get ideas of how to calm down, slow my heart down and avoid any serious damage to myself or others.



Dont forget the things that the staff did this summer Ms. Muir, if there are sexual harrassment related issues go straight to your UHRA, or put a complaint through to your RCSU.  
Dont forget also that some kids are in general F-UPS and cannot be dealt with on a cadet level, these kids will only learn when they get passed around like currency in Juvie.  Its just cadets and is not worth getting so angry and frustrated with these kids.  good luck


----------

