# Husband leaves for first tour in July



## 2vpwife (24 Jun 2006)

Hello everyone, 

This is all new to me .... not only the message board, but the tour.

I have been doing research and gathering information about what to expect and who to turn to if I need anything. But these resources sometimes fall short with some information. 

I think my biggest question is "I have so many emotions and worries that I need to express to him, but I don't want to burden him with these. I know that he has stuff on his mind too, and he really doesn't need me to be worrying, but to be strong. So I guess my question is if anyone has any ideas how I should approach the subject, without making a hard situation any harder."

I appreciate the post about the first tour and what to expect, but as the time counts down I feel myself becoming antsy, and testy (which I know is too happen), but I want this  last little bit of time together to be good.


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## littlebug (24 Jun 2006)

I hear ya.  My boyfriend leaves in August, and I want to talk to him about things that I am worried about or don't understand, but he has so much on his mind right now that I don't want to add to the pot.
Hopefully someone out there will have answers or ideas for you.


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## Pea (24 Jun 2006)

Hey ladies..

I have not had a significant other on tour, so it isn't my place to offer advice. However, my best friend is currently just finishing up her first tour with her hubby, and I will make sure she sees this post. I am sure she will have some advice she can offer. Heck, having pretty much been her "replacement spouse" since he left, I might even be able to come up with something.  ;D (don't worry, I am a gal). In any case, I'll tell her to drop by.

Take care.


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## graveltek (4 Jul 2006)

My husband as well leaves for his training in July. He is leaving behind, not only myself but three children who have never been away from him. He and I have been spending alot of time working together on remembrance/parting gifts for the children and our families. We have done portraits out in the bush and made up shadow boxes. We are having a family gathering in the next few weeks where i have put together a journal for everyone to write in, along with a new bible as a gift for him to enjoy while he is away. Tonight I am putting together yellow ribbons with canada pins to pass out to anyone wanting to support him. In doing all of these projects we have had some pretty intense discussions.  Chris


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## RoeRoe (5 Jul 2006)

I feel your pain, my husband just got back from Afghanistan a few months ago, he was there for 7 months.  He was there over Christmas, so that made it harder and my brother was there at the same time.  It wasn't a fun tour, but we got through it.
  My advise would be to talk to your husbands about your feelings, but reassure him that he doesn't have a reason to worry about you.  He knows you are worried, and he may have some reassuring words for you.  
  While he is on tour, send LOTS of care packages, it will make both of you feel better, and you will fell more connected.
  Like every one will tell you, don't watch the news.  If there is anything important that you need to know, you WILL find out about it.
  Also, if while he is there, you don't hear from him for a while, don't worry, he is very busy or the lines are tied up, remember there are only about 40 phones, and there are approx. 2000 troops.  There are also technical difficulties with the phones, sometimes they are down for a few days.  On a regular basis, I would hear from my husband 2 to 3 times a week and then all of a sudden he deployed to the FOB's, I didn't hear from him for 2 weeks, it was a killer, but I kept telling myself that no news is good news.
  If you are religious, prayer helps, give it to God as some would say.
  All the best and I will keep you all in prayer, keep up the communication's, that is the best advise.
  Take care everyone, RoeRoe.


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## camochick (5 Jul 2006)

This was posted before by me, but here it is again. This is the stuff I learned on my first tour with hubby. I am definatly not the person I was six months ago (Well in some ways hehe, i'm still the batman and always will be). One thing I cannot stress enough, remember to breathe. It's not easy but giving up is not really an option. Oh and give the rear party a break, you can mow your own lawn, and carry your own groceries, we're military wives, not children.  >


"Well, the tour is winding down now,and I see that alot of people are getting ready for the july 06 tour and the Feb 07 tour. This was my first tour and I've learned alot and thought I would pass on some advice to those who may be doing this for the first time. 

Get the power of attorney. Even if you think you'll never need it, get it anyhow. You never know what may come up. 

Make sure things are in both names. I had an issue getting insurance on a truck I didnt own and it created alot of paper work for me and the rear party. If he had a car before you and it's in his name, get him to write a letter saying that you co own it. Same goes for phone bills, power bills,etc. They usually won't talk to you unless you're on the account because they are fully enforcing the privacy laws. 

Never be afraid to call the rear party. Just because you think your question is stupid, doesnt mean they will. They are there to help and in an emergency they can usually get your husband on the phone in a short amount of time. (If your rear party isnt very helpful, make sure someone knows, they are sapposed to be there for family support) 

Go to the family deployment meeting. They have lots of information and can answer any questions you may have. 

If you don't already know, ask your husband how to do things that he normally does. ie put oil in the car, start the lawn mower, where the insurance papers are hehe etc. It can be frustrating when you cant find something or do something because you've just never done it before. 

If you're planning on using tour money to save for something get a seperate account to put it in so the temptation to spend wont be there. The pay is higher and the temptation is greater hehe. 

Don't be surprised if the tour pay doesnt kick in for a month or so. You will get back pay for that time, but sometimes the paper work isnt done in time. 

Also don't be surprised if the date is moved back for the home coming. A tour that they say is 6 months can easily turn into seven. 

There might be some tension at some point from you or hubby in your phone (or msn) convos. Try not to get off the phone mad because it could be awhile until your next call and the guilt will make you crazy. Husbands often forget its not easy back home either so sometimes they don't think before they speak.Sometimes you have to remind them that being at home isnt always a cake walk. 
That being said, he is also under alot of pressure and tension, so try and remain as positive as you can. If you witch him out the whole call, this will be all he remembers and he is in a dangerous place. Perhaps, alot the first few mins to the bad stuff and then move on. 

If your husband is going to be outside the wire alot, remember that he wont always be able to call on a regular basis. Try not to let it freak you out. They just don't always have access to a phone. 

If you're a news junkie like me, remember sometimes you have to turn it off so you don't go mental. If the military hasnt contacted you, then it wasnt your husband involved. 

Take care of yourself. Try to maintain a sense of regularity. 

The first day they leave, will probably be one of the worst. Emotions are running high and anything that can go wrong usually will. But it will get better, I promise. 

I suggest not counting days, but counting weeks or pay checks or something that won't be so overwhelming. 

Never be afraid to ask for help. There are alot of great people on these boards who have been through this and who will step up and give a hand. Also , friends, family, neighbors, might be a place to turn too if you really need something. 

Stay busy. It will make the time fly. 

A bad day is just one bad day and it will get better. Just because you hit a parked car in the grocery store parking lot (hehe yeah that was me) does not mean the world has ended hehe. 

Remember that you can do this. Even when you're ready to run away and never come back, you can do it. It's surprising how many things you can do that you didnt know you could (like fix things that fall apart, and they will fall apart when he leaves hehe), and the sense of pride you get is pretty cool. 

Try not to make the tour an obsession. Sometimes it's hard to talk about anything else, but it can and will make your friends crazy at some point. 

Remember that not all people will understand what you are going through especially in the civi world. Don't take it personally, use that as a time to educate them about why your husband is there and what he is doing. It's hard sometimes to listen to someone complain about their bf or husband when yours is away, but remember, in their life, that is what is important right now. Like the tour is in your life. 

This may just be something I do, but I don't tell his mom the scary stuff he tells me. She is worried enough about her baby and although she has a right to know, unless she asks i'm not telling her. 

Sometimes, your husband can't tell you where he is or what he is doing, but don't take it personally. Its all about security and telling you could mean that safety is comprimised. You'll get all the juicy details when he gets home. 

These are just things I learned on my first tour, and some may not agree with me. But if I pass on anything that may save someone alot of trouble later, then I'm glad. Live, love and laugh. Six months is a long time, but you can do it.

 A few more things I forgot. LAUGH ALOT. Even when the house is falling apart, the pets (I don't have kids hehe) are peeing on the floor and your car just wont start. I laugh alot at the dumb things that happen to me because most times you have no control. 
Same with worrying about your husband. You will worry, but unfortunatly you have no control when they are over there, so sometimes you just have to let go and have faith. 

 I was in the dark before this tour and had no clue what to expect. I have learned alot though, about myself, my husband, my life. It's been a crazy experience but I wouldnt change it for the world.  "


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## littlebug (5 Jul 2006)

Thanks for the info.  But in all seriousness, will I get the same treatment as a girlfriend as a wife would get?  I somehow have this sickening feeling that I will be stuck relaying on the news.  Really, there seems to be so little out there geared towards us not wives, and I am lost.


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## camochick (5 Jul 2006)

If you're not common law or married, there doesnt seem to be alot you can do.You can hope his family will call you asap if something should go wrong. Other than that, I don't know what to tell you. Good luck though with the tour.


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## littlebug (5 Jul 2006)

Not common law here, and I have yet to meet his family (he is not orginally from around here), I have my doubts there.  This is what I thought though, seeing as there is no information out there aimed at girlfriends.  It's gonna be a very long tour for me.


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## Pea (5 Jul 2006)

Can her boyfriend not put her in his "file" as his contact in case of emergency or something? (I am completely oblivious as to how this works as I am not a military spouse)


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## PPCLI Guy (5 Jul 2006)

Pea said:
			
		

> Can her boyfriend not put her in his "file" as his contact in case of emergency or something? (I am completely oblivious as to how this works as I am not a military spouse)



The Next of Kin can be whomsoever the member wishes to be contacted first in the event of injury or death.  We encourage the troops to think about that one carefully.

My wife and I have been through 3 tours together (the training wife got my first tour...).  For the first one, we were newly married, we were living in England (I was on exchange), and she didn't drive.  That was a long one!  The second one was 7 months, and we moved 5 days after I got back.  This latest one was 8 months (end July to early March), and I spent 3 months before the tour away in Pet for training, and returned to theatre for a month 4 weeks after I got back - the longest tour by far.  We have learned a few things along the way:


- talk about it before he goes...whatever it is
- look after the paperwork
- stay in touch.  For us, it has been letters - and lately e-mails
- and from my wife...DON'T PANIC!!!

My last piece of advice is to be attend the briefs, and if ever in doubt, call the rear party / Deployment Support Centre.  They are there to help.

Dave


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## camochick (5 Jul 2006)

I may be wrong, but I was under the assumption that whoever you put as next of kin receives your death benefits if something should happen. I know there is a will as well , but i thought that was just for your possessions.  :-\


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## George Wallace (5 Jul 2006)

camochick said:
			
		

> I may be wrong, but I was under the assumption that whoever you put as next of kin receives your death benefits if something should happen. I know there is a will as well , but i thought that was just for your possessions.  :-\



The beneficiary is named in the SISIP forms, not the NOK forms.  The NOK is used to notify those listed, in order, in case of death, injury or any other emergency.

Another point; Wills can be contested.


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## littlebug (5 Jul 2006)

Thanks so much for the info.  I know that I do have to talk to him about this, but knowing what I am talking about, or of there is anything to do about it, makes it a little easier.


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## 2vpwife (5 Jul 2006)

I just want to say thank you to everyone who has posted. The ideas have been great. 

I think the best one for me was not to watch the news. I already watch it and start worrying about what is going to happen. So by just turning a blind eye to the news will help. 

I really find that the MFRC would be a great help if they kept ours that working moms could use. The occasional daycare on Saturdays is great, but most of the programs are scheduled during the day when I work so that I can't attend. It can be rather frustrating actually.

Anyways thanks again and keep the ideas coming.


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## Booked_Spice (9 Jul 2006)

Well I just thought I would add my 2 cents. 

Attend all the meetings with your BF's they give some great information. I believe the Rear party uses the NOK paperwork to call the spouses or girlfriends. I know a friend of ours GF gets called and emailed all the time.

Like the above posts of mentioned talk to your boyfriends. Heck I talked my hubby's ear off before he left and I told him all my fears and he told me his fears. I believed this helped me understand the mission more then I had when I first found out he was going.

Also all of your feelings are normal and they are all apart of the pre deployment cycle. Here is a link that will be able to fill you in on everything you are going through. http://www.army.forces.gc.ca/38cbg_hq/Headquarters/Family_Sp/MFSPFamilyHandbook_e.pdf

This has some great information and I feel that it is for everyone affected by upcoming tours. Just remember that if you have any questions don't hesitate to message us. Alot of people have been where you are now and we know and understand what you are feeling.

Like camo says.. Just breath and try to relax and release this is a rollarcoaster ride you will never forget.


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