# Is there any hope for a relationship??



## ArmyGirlfriend19 (1 May 2005)

hello,

My boyfriend has currently joined the army and is starting his basic trainning soon. I have read many posts about marriages working through this, however I have also read that if a guy is not married he should stay single. Why is this and if anyone has any suggestions for me please let me know. I am so scared to lose him, thanks jenn


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## TCBF (1 May 2005)

"marriages working through this, however I have also read that if a guy is not married he should stay single. "

Where did you read this?  The Army has a bad rap in this, and is obviously incapable of sticking up for itself on this one.  I would say that people who blame only the army for their problems have other issues to deal with as well, and the relationship would have foundered, Army or no.


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## aesop081 (1 May 2005)

Jenn,

TCBF and i have touched on this in another thread.   You have to take verything you hear with a grain of salt.   I lived trough the first 9 years of my career in relationships including BMQ and my QL3.....survived overseas tours and all.   Only you and your bf can decide if you are going to make it trough.   Stop listening to whoever is feeding you all this "wisdom" ( more like bulls**t if you ask me)   you have been writing about...thats my advice. Life is what YOU make of it......


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## ArmyGirlfriend19 (1 May 2005)

Hello,

I totally understand and I will definetly stop listening to them. thank you again...Jenn


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## aesop081 (1 May 2005)

Good luck Jenn...its a good life, enjoy it  ;D


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## the 48th regulator (1 May 2005)

aesop081 

that was beautiful and truly inspirational.

Cheers.

your friend.

tess


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## mrosseker (1 May 2005)

Jenn,

I am in the situation that you and your boyfriend could be in after he is done basic- I am at CFB Borden awaiting training. Here's some pointers that you might find helpful;

When your boyfriend leaves for Basic you need to remember that he will go through some tough times where he will wonder what he is doing, and he might want to quit. He will be frustrated and stressed, he will be scared. He will need your strength and determination for inspiration and to keep any doubts away. Basic training, for those that havent gone through any military training, is a huge culture shock, and he will need you to be strong. You are busy all night up until bedtime, so calling home might be tough (although I found time to call my girlfriend every night, sometimes only just for a few minutes). Internet access is pretty poor, only a few pay-as-you-go dial-up computers on base, lots of people trying to use them, etc. 
Basic will be frustrating, but it gets better. 
Once his training is completed, he will be allowed to live a "normal" life, where he can live off of base. Work will usually be a 7-4 kind of day, but take this with a grain of salt. Remember, military people have lives too, and they want to go home and see their families as well, so from what I know, most units work 'normal' hours, with some exceptions.

If you two have lived together for over a year, and have the paperwork to prove it, you could change your marital status to common-law, which has a few benefits. On paper he will have the same status as being married, so you will be taken into account when he gets posted, and if he is allowed to live off of base during training (depending on his trade). When he is away from home, he will also get separation pay, which isnt a huge amount, but it helps out.

In short, yes there is hope for a relationship, if you two are willing to make sacrifices. Remember, the hardest part is the beginning, and it gets easier from there.
Mike


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## paracowboy (1 May 2005)

been a soldier for 10 years. Been married for 10 years. Take it for what it's worth.


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## Bruce Monkhouse (1 May 2005)

Now after all the touchy-feely mushy stuff,  my wife and I have no problems admitting that had I stayed in we probably would not still be together, separations and lack of being able to make long-term plans is not easy on a relationship.
However that could also be said for a long distance trucker and not just a soldier.....


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## navymich (2 May 2005)

14 years in for both of us, and married for 10.  We've had our ups and downs, but like any job and relationship together, it's what you make of it.  Be there for support for him, but also look into support for yourself too.  Meet with some other "newlyweds" and even "been theres, done that's" to help you learn the background of military life.  And, as you've already learned, take what you hear with a grain of salt.  It's nice to have some support, but you have to take the bad (news) with the good.  Best of luck and hang in there!  As for me, DH is already asking when I'm going back to sea!!  We have learned to make the best of our time together and apart, and our relationship is stronger because of it.


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## ArmyGirlfriend19 (2 May 2005)

hello again... 

It is so very nice to hear of relationship stories that have workout so well. Sadly we have not lived together we really haven't even been together a long time so the army will not consider me as anything but I can see that there is still hope for us and I am willing to do what ever i can do to help him through this time. And I will take your advice and learn as much about military life a possible. 
Another question, you mentioned the Cf Borden, I also recall my BF mentioning it too. If you have time could you go into more detail about it? Like what do they do there, how long is it and most important can we be together? as well anything else you might think is helpful.
As well since you have already gone though the basic trainning, what happens after graduation, do you get to go home for a bit or are you ship off right away?
Sorry about all the questions but thank you for you comforting words...Jenn


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## Big Foot (2 May 2005)

Jenn, I know what you are going through. Myself, I am dating a girl from Calgary and I am living in Kingston. I will say it is a very difficult road to travel down, but we have been going for more than a year now and we will soon be engaged. Just stick with it, it will be worth it in the end. Sure there will be difficult periods, but when you get to see him, it will all be worth it.


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## AirForceWife (2 May 2005)

Jenn,

I met my husband when he was at RMC in Kingston (ROTP) we got married at the beginning of his 3rd year. Only you and your boyfriend can decide if its going to work out.  Yes, there are a lot of stresses when you are far apart,  and from what I hear from other military girlfriends - the most frustrating is that the CF doesn't give them the support that a common-law or married spouse gets. 
I wouldn't really listen to that rumor at all.


mrosseker,  Carrabs says hi. Saw him today at my parents place


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## taz_202 (4 May 2005)

Monkhouse, how long were you in?


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## Bruce Monkhouse (4 May 2005)

http://forums.army.ca/forums/index.php?action=profile


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## AmmoTech90 (4 May 2005)

Do you mean this Bruce?

http://forums.army.ca/forums/members/1057


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## Canadian Sig (4 May 2005)

Thanks for the advertising though Bruce.. ;D


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## Bruce Monkhouse (4 May 2005)

Thats funny, I click on it and get my profile.......I must have done something stupid with THOSE buttons...[Mike was right, I'm not ready for the real Moderator buttons yet]


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## thehammer2001 (8 May 2005)

If you both want it to work it will work. I can only speak for myself and my now  wife we were engaged when I joined and we did the whole common-law thing so she has the same rights as a wife. Now i asked her if she ever needed it and no she did not(but she did say to remember that this is a change for him if he has never been subjected to any thing military and not to attack him or place blame cause you feel left out. She said he need your unconditional support. And never end a phone call angry). I was able to call her frequently and keep her informed on what was going on with courses and posting times etc... as long as your boyfriend is willing to keep the communications lines open you will be fine. many people do it many succeed it is all really based on you and him.


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## ArmyGirlfriend19 (8 May 2005)

hello,

For starters I would like to thank all of you very much for your input, I have taken all this advice under consideration and it has help me more then I can say. My boyfriend has been great he has contacted me one way or another almost every day, and i believe as you all have pointed this is are relationship and we'll make it work...thanks for your kind words and support Jenn


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## ThatsLife (8 May 2005)

I'm actually going to be in the same position. I'm joining the Army next year (more like....7 months when I graduate from Highschool) and I told my girlfriend about my decision.

We are together EVERY single day...I drive her to work and pick her up, we do our homework together, then go out and do stuff. We see eachother EVERY single day. We've been together for about a year now and counting all the days we've probably not seen eachother..I would say...12 days out of 365.

I told her about my decision and she said that she'd support me and be here when I got back and then she did the whole crying thing...and I swear something flew into my eye and made them water. I swear!    

It's going to be hard being away from her for 3 years (even though we get..what is it? 20 annual day leaves a year?) but my girlfriend supports me. There's nothing better to hear than your loved one saying they'll be there when you get back and actually support you. Rather than getting ..."Yeah so...umm...I might go clubbing with some friends and get extremely drunk and hopefully nothing happens...but if anything does..you know i'll always love you...and yeah..we'll go our seperate ways."

My friends cousin is still going out with his first girlfriend that he started to date in grade NINE..and they're both in different colleges in different provinces. They're 20 or so now...I believe.

Your relationship will last, I gurantee it. The most important thing is communication. You get that down, and you it'll work. I virtually promise you.

-Emilio     :skull:


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## ArmyGirlfriend19 (8 May 2005)

hello again,

I am glad to hear that you GF supports you and that you have been together a long time...like you I just finished high school this year and have started university. I wish you and ur GF the best of luck and tell her to use this message board for the first few days...it help me a great deal and these days are the one i found the hardest... well talk to you later Jenn


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## Mappy (5 Jun 2005)

​ I'm going through the same thing right now. My boyfriend is starting week 3 at St. Jean.  Its not too bad though!


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## ArmyGirlfriend19 (6 Jun 2005)

hello, 

Thanks for the comfort, my boyfriend is now in week 6 and i am ok with him being away it is getting better now. It was tough for the first few weeks for me (when I made this post, however since then I have met many new people through this board that have helped me get through. Thanks Shadow cat) Well i am on this topic i would just like to personnally thank everyone for their help. well i wish you the best and thanks again jenn


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## Shadow Cat (6 Jun 2005)

Awww.  How sweet.  You have helped me out as well.  It is so comforting to know that there is someone else in this world that has all of the same mixed emotions and feelings that you have and understands what you are going through.  

Meet you on MSN  !


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## ArmyGirlfriend19 (7 Jun 2005)

thanks I'll see you on MSN forsure...talk to you later...Jenn


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## Roy Harding (24 Jun 2005)

Our 25th anniversary is coming up next month.

I was in the Army for most of that time, my wife joined the CF after I became a Sergeant - I've done seven overseas tours, my wife two.

We've raised three sons, one is now a Mechanical Engineer, another is a Psychologist (trying to understand his parents, I guess), and the third is in his third year of University, working toward a BSc in Nursing.

We both retired in 2004, for reasons not worth getting into here - those reasons had nothing to do with our personal relationship.

To paraphrase a favourite quote of mine - "What didn't kill our relationship made it stronger".  My wife and I enjoy one of the strongest relationships I've ever seen. 

Did we go through rough times??  You bet.  Was I an ever an idiot - placing Regiment (Airborne, in my case) before family??  You bet.  Did my wife ever get angry with me??  You bet.  Were we committed to each other, willing to put up with (at the time, we hoped temporary) idiocy from each other (not to mention the Army)??  You bet.

If you and your boy friend are COMMITTED to each other, and I don't mean when everything is wine and roses, I mean when you're dead broke, don't know where the next meal is coming from, the collection agencies are bugging you hourly, and two of the babies are sick with the flu,  then it doesn't matter what you do for a living - your commitment will see you through.

Having a spouse who actually STANDS for something (like a soldier committed to his country, for instance), however, can make the rough patches smoother - your pride in his/her service can help you overlook some of his/her temporary weaknesses and faults.

IMHO - the military is a wonderful and paradoxical thing - it makes weak relationships weaker, and strong relationships stronger.  It will NOT, however, make weak relationships stronger, or vice versa.

Now, all you've got to do is figure out if your relationship is strong or weak.  Can't help you there - YOU've got to decide.


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## Pea (24 Jun 2005)

We had been together for 4.5 years when my ex-boyfriend left for basic training. I was devastated that he was leaving me for so long for training so far away. I did understand why he was joining and was really proud of him for it, which made it easier for sure.

BMQ was really hard on us. We had spent the previous 4.5 years together and had made all life decisions together, and experienced everything in high school together. We were high school sweethearts, had been together since we were 13. We both graduated high school June 04, he went off to the army and I moved 8 hours to go to college. Both of us being in a totally new world, without each other, made it pretty hard. We got through basic though, with many tearful phone calls (on my part mostly) and a lot of encouraging words from the other. When he got home from Basic, it was amazing how good it felt to be around him. It was always good, but now it felt like I had to absorb every minute I was with him. I didn't take anything for granted. He was home for a week, and then was off to Borden for PAT platoon.

After 6 months away from eachother, we did end up breaking up. I do not believe that this really has too much to do with the military though. Sure it was the reason that we were not living in even the same province, but this could have happened for many reasons. I believe we were young and I guess even naive. We had just hit the 5 year mark a week earlier, and it made us look at our relationship and wonder what happens now. I of course, wanted to marry him and had been pressuring him for it. He however, being young and never really been single, was hesitant about making a decision like this. I believe we broke up because we were young, and not too sure what we really wanted. I don't blame any of this on him being in the military, this would have happened whether he had moved here to be with me or whether he was away in Borden with the military. We started to grow as individuals now that we were out on our own, and unfortunately we grew without each other.

People's lives changed and sometimes you forget that relationships take a lot of work. I guess we just expected that because things were so great when he left, that they would always be like that. Like I said, we were young and naive. Relationships take work!! I guess I truly believe that if we are meant to be, then we will end up together. (is this me being young & naive again??) 

If you truly want it to work, then it will work. Just remember it takes work, and it is worth the effort! Remember to take time to show that you care any chance you get. It helps when your so far away and may have doubts about it all. 

I don't know if this will help anyone or not, but I thought I would share my personal experience just in case.


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## camochick (24 Jun 2005)

My parents have been married for 26 years, 15 of which were when my father was in the military. Sure they had disagreements, at one point they almost split up(which had more to do with the loss of a child than the military) but they always had the rule of "never go to bed mad", which carried over to never get off the phone angry when dad was away or never leave for a trip(my dad flew on the herc as a traffic tech which meant he was gone alot) angry. They also realized that compromise was going to be needed if they wanted to be together so my father told my mother that if she followed him around during his military career they would move back to NB when he retired and although he wanted to come out west for the better opportunities he kept his word and they live in NB near my mothers family. Things can work if you put a little effort into it and at the end of the day if you tried your hardest and things didnt work out then you can look back and atleast know that you tried your best. Anyhow, thats my 0.02 cents on relationships and the military.


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## ArmyGirlfriend19 (24 Jun 2005)

hello, 
 I want to thanks everyone once again for their stories..they have helped a lot...as well just to let you know my boyfriend is now entering week 9 and things could not be better also just to let you know you are all right about one thing that relationships are only what you make out of it, if you work at it, it will workout...thanks again...Jenn


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## 1feral1 (24 Jun 2005)

Yes, I am divorced, and Ex Wife No.1's hate for the Army, and its culture was a main player in the demise of my relationship.

I have since learned from my mistakes (and others).

So, next time around, when things became   'serious'   I made sure that my now 'Defence Recognised Defacto Partner' would accept the sometime demanding schedule I have, enjoy the mixed dining-in nights, sometimes long days, and when I have to go away.

She understands totally, and is 110% supportive of all this job, culture,and lifestyle it demands, and after well over 5 yrs together we get along quite well. On the home front, she just comes to realise the madness/mayhem of when I have parties (there has been some crazy ones), and socialises at mixed events and other outings. 

She quite enjoys the culture she experiences, and is often frustrated at the red tape, politics, and BS which we often encounter in the military life. She does not like it when I often disappear for weeks on end, but knows I'll be in touch when I can, and knows that I have organised things the best I can when she is by herself. neighbours, and friends, and the Unit are always there for her support, but I know she does not like being alone, and thats fair enough.

Like in any relationship. good communication, understanding and comprimise are paramount to success. I am sure if you are serious with this guy, you'll work things out. Hey, if I can keep a relationship going, anyone can. For those that know me, you can only agree. The questuion is, will I ever get married again? We'll see. Once bitten twice shy. I am happy where things are right now.

Good luck, and here is a pic of us.

Cheers,

Wes


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## ArmyGirlfriend19 (24 Jun 2005)

hello
i just wanted to say thanks you have al lbeen very inspirational.....Jenn


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## i_was_issued_a_husband (1 Jul 2005)

Jenn
          It is going to be hard, I know.  My entire family has been in the military at one point in their life.  I was a single mom in the reserves 5 years ago, but thankfully I decided to go to the annual family day with my unit.  It was there that I met my husband.  He is the most wonderful and irritating man all at the same time, just be prepared for the military life.  The relationships that don't work are are because the person in the relationship who isn't military doesn't understand the "crap" the other goes through.  There will be times (like with my hubby lol) when in a 6 month stretch you will only see him for about 6 weeks, and thats only a few hours a day.  Just hold your head up and look at the pictures and watch a sappy movie to let the frustration of him being gone out lol.  Good luck, and try to understan what hes going through, because chances are its harder on him being away from you and trying to deal with the stress than it really is on you.  I have been on both sides, so I have a little insight on what he goes through. Good luck and I wish you both all the happiness in the world.


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## 762gunner (1 Jul 2005)

In Wainwright... Strike One.

     Male... Strike Two.

     Over 40... Strike Three.

     In the military with all of the above... what's the point of looking forward to retirement?

     Sorry, just had to blow off steam.  Cheers.


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## maggiemagooo (6 Jul 2005)

hey Jenn..well i think you've heard it all from the rest of the gang...if it's meant to be , it will be! Relationships take work no matter what ...no matter who you are or what you're doing , you have to work at relationships...it's a give and take deal.
I have friends who are in the military , who are in relationships, some are good and some are bad...
Just remember to keep your eyes wide open...you have decided to be with a certain guy and his job will demand certain things of him and you. Make sure you are honest with yourself about whether or not you can handle the demands of his job. Also, sit down and look to the future and honestly decide if this is the what you want in a relationship. Understand that he will be away from you sometimes, long and short periods...are you independant enough in your life to carry on without him being there? Sometimes we don't realize how much we really need to have that loved one with us, on an everyday basis, until they are not around.You can't say you'll support him and then start complaining that you guys don't spend time together...that just adds to his stress, and it will eventually build a wall between you.
If you do decide that you are ok with it all, then great....make you sure you have hobbies, and friends around to keep you busy, instead of sitting at home crying cause you're lonely.That's probably the #1 cause of breakups int the military. 
I wish you both the best of luck...be honest with each other, and yourselves ...and keep the communication lines open!!!
Oh ya...you are not the only one who has to put forth the effort either..it has to be both ways.

maggie


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## ArmyGirlfriend19 (11 Jul 2005)

hello,

well i just got back from Jean's graduation and it was probably the most admazing thing that i have ever see him do...it is truly wonderful to see doing that and to understand how hard he worked to reach that point...well when i started this questionare i truly wasn't sure if I could handle this whole idea of jean being away but the truth is, is that if you really believe in something it will work out...I know alot of people are scared like i once was...but truthfullly the army has broughten us closer then we have ever been before...
so with that thought i would share what the army has tought me...

that you should live life each day to the fullest (truthfully do this gett out with friends alot and just have fun, try something new that you have never done before) trust me when their away this works out really well. 

 you should aways charish the days that you have together b/c they are limited...unlike other relationships we don't have that comfort of them always being there...however this has tought me one of the most important things, that i have learned to be a more independent person. 

another thing is that we have become more open with each other since we are not together we have learned to communicate with each other like never before...(trust me this is one thing that i charish most) 

the most important thing that i have learned is that, if we both work at this our love is stronget then anything...like mappy said it takes both of you to achieve this...

and with that in mind i have obtained to my own answer to my question can relationships work out!!!

of course and each story can have a happy ending or a great beginning...just to let you know how my situation work out i am now engaged to my BF which is now my Fiancee...he purposed the night before graduation...and with that i wish you all the best of luck...jenn


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## Mappy (12 Jul 2005)

> i am now engaged to my BF which is now my Fiancee...



Congrats to both of you!


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## ArmyGirlfriend19 (13 Jul 2005)

Thank you veyr much i am very excited!!!


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## IBM (2 Jan 2006)

I guess I could have asked "Do chicks really dig the uniform?", but that sounds kind of juvenile. I just want to get some insight if anyone thinks having a military career has a impact on your chances of finding a significant other? Does anyone think it makes a difference if you had chosen a regular civvie career instead?

I'm sure the effects of deployments & postings and such are an impact on families & loved ones, but I'm specifically wondering if anyone finds that it would turn people off right away finding out your chosen profession when you're just trying to develop a relationship.


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## Patrolman (3 Jan 2006)

This depends based on were you are posted. Some areas of the country have a high regard for the military while others do not.
  I have heard stories about girls being warned to stay away from guys in uniform during their campus brief at UNB and St.Thomas universities in Fredericton N.B. Apparently every soldier at CFB Gagetown is infected with diseases they picked up while on missions overseas.
 I have known people who have kept their job a secret before in hopes of a establishing a relationship before revealing their job specifics. In my opinion if a girl sees your service to Canada as a turn off then she is not worth having anyway.
 In regards to the style of the Dress uniform itself, my wife tells me it is definately ready for revamping.


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## armyvern (3 Jan 2006)

IBM said:
			
		

> "Do chicks really dig the uniform



Try searching the threads. I know that I have responded to this question in other threads. I believe there was a poll in one of them. I can't remember what they were called to look em up for you.

OH...and my answer is I DO!!


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## IBM (3 Jan 2006)

IBM said:
			
		

> I guess I could have asked "Do chicks really dig the uniform?", but that sounds kind of juvenile...



Ok, I should clarify I mentioned this part as a joke, but I'm seriously about the rest of my question. Anyone thinks the uniform cramps their style?


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## 3rd Herd (3 Jan 2006)

The best quote about the uniform can be found in "who Killed the Canadian Military"....bus drivers. Uniform change is over due by about 30 odd years. Definitely cramped my chances. Mess dress a differnet story


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## IBM (3 Jan 2006)

Patrolman said:
			
		

> This depends based on were you are posted. Some areas of the country have a high regard for the military while others do not.
> I have heard stories about girls being warned to stay away from guys in uniform during their campus brief at UNB and St.Thomas universities in Fredericton N.B. Apparently every soldier at CFB Gagetown is infected with diseases they picked up while on missions overseas.
> I have known people who have kept their job a secret before in hopes of a establishing a relationship before revealing their job specifics. In my opinion if a girl sees your service to Canada as a turn off then she is not worth having anyway.
> In regards to the style of the Dress uniform itself, my wife tells me it is definately ready for revamping.



Thanks Patrolman. The part about Gagetown is just a stupid urban myth, right?


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## Patrolman (3 Jan 2006)

Let's hope. When my wife attended UNB she would tell me some of the things a certain professer wuold say about the army. Not nice things I must say! I would get so angry.She didn't believe it,but I am sure others did. But as you can see she married me and numerous others have managed to find girlfriends and wives.


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## Sig_Des (3 Jan 2006)

I remember walking down Princess st in Kingston this summer with a buddy...Saw a couple of nice looking girls, smiled, said hi...one of them smiled back, the other kept walking and pulled her friend...distinctly heard her say:

"You have to stay away from those army guys"...thought that was funny...Kingston, not so good...Other places you can tell a girl you're in the army, others, well, they don't much like us.

I found the best way to overcome that is to find a fun way to break the ice...and wear a hat when at the clubs in K-town

edit: typing


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## camochick (3 Jan 2006)

Ahhh yes, fredericton NB. I went to UNB and I found alot of the students were just ignorant about the forces. There is a group (hopefully graduated by now) who were set on making sure that the military knew its place and stayed out of the city. As for the women, some women liked the boys(alot, so much they went to visit the shacks every weekend), some women hated military boys because they saw them taking these said girls home everyweekend (freddy is small, you see the same people at the same bars every week) and then some just didnt really care. I guess you just have to look for the ones who dont mind that you're in the military (and havent been with half of your friends). >


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## armyvern (3 Jan 2006)

IBM said:
			
		

> Thanks Patrolman. The part about Gagetown is just a stupid urban myth, right?



Yep it is. At least according to the boys who work for me!!  

Geez...where do you think I picked up my 9er at way back in 86??  >


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## luvincookie2001 (3 Jan 2006)

Some girls like it, some dont care and some hate it. It's like any other job... people have their own opinions. I live in kingston and yes you can spot those army guys as soon as they walk in the bar   lol. They stay in a close group and there is almost always at least 5 of em standing around sizing up the girls.. lol.. just kidding. I dont find that the girls here dont like the military boys. They just... are skeptical i suppose. Either they think that the guys are arogant jerks or they get around. Then others have no prejudice. A lot of girls I know dont want to get involved with military guys cuz they dont like the lifestyle. Just a one night thing is a different story but if they're looking for a relationship they'll stay away. Military life is hard in general and if you didnt grow up in it, it takes some adjustments and most ppl dont know what they're getting into. When ppl ask what my dh does and i say army they look at me like "oh I'm so sorry. he must never be home. does he go overseas a lot?" ... ya ok so he's never home. Dont feel sorry for me it's a life I chose and I'm dealing with it best i can without people rubbing it in my face. Anyway,, yea the uniform is a good one too. Peronally I like the relish better than the DU's though..


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## emmiee (4 Jan 2006)

If my opinion counts for anything, lol, don't sweat the small stuff, don't worry about those things you can't change (hours, assisignments, ect) and keep a sense of humor; understanding and communication IMO counts for a lot.


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## privatesteve (8 Jan 2006)

There is no reason why you should loose him. If you both wanna make it work than it should work out.


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## outofsoap (16 Feb 2006)

Hi everyone. First post for me. And it seems that its going to be a pretty sad subject and its kindof along these lines. I have a friend who has been married for a few years. He is just reaching the end of his first deployment and is madly in love with his wife. Unfortunately she has been cheating on him. It has really thrown a monkey wrench into the works and I have no idea what to do. I have heard that I shouldn't say anything to him until he is back because he is in a dangerous place and it might affect his career. I don't want to say anything but I don't think she is going to be truthful with him. All I can really do ,I think, is sit and wait to see what happens and let him know when he gets back if she doesn't. Is there any advice  from people that have experienced this unfortunate event? I know the two individuals that she has cheated with. They are both army. One of them actually works with him! Another little twist is that there is another person that is on tour with him that knows all about it but hasn't told him!
The whole thing has me twisted.

Thankyou in advance everyone who responds. I've wanted to become a member and post for quite some time now. It's just too bad that this has to be the first one.


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## gnplummer421 (17 Feb 2006)

I was in that exact situation in Germany in 1991. I was constantly going to Guncamps in the run-up to CAT91. My wife decided I wasn't spending enough time with her and found a playmate. We had a couple of suicides in the Regiment that year related to spousal problems, and the Col was very worried about this trend.

He encouraged us to look after each other..use the "buddy system" and ways to recognize when there are problems. One of my friends had seen my Ex-wife with her playmate while I was away, and made the difficult decision to tell my SSM, and myself. Because we were in Germany and as a dependant she came under Military jurisdiction, the decision was made to ship her back to Canada, so the situation would not affect my job as much.

After the initial anger, I was happy that my friend had looked after me, and saved me a lot of hardship. I did not blame her, because in truth, we drifted apart because I was never there. Spouses of Military members have to have that special bond of trust to make it work, and in this case it wasn't there.

You are in a tricky situation, but ask yourself if you would want to know if this was happening to you. Can you imagine if this goes on and on and he remains oblivious? Better to break the news IMHO, so he can get on with his life. A tough decision for sure. (you could lose a friend)

Gnplummer


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## Hunter (18 Feb 2006)

outofsoap - That is a tough call, and I don't envy your position.  It wasn't related to the military, but I found myself in your friend's position a while back.  I wasn't that pissed off about her affair, but when I found out from 'friends' that they knew about it for a month or two before I found out and didn't tell me I was more bothered by that.

Consider the potential consequences of telling him vs. not telling him, and think about what you would expect if you were in his position.  Then follow what your gut feeling tells you.  Good luck with it!


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## Kat Stevens (18 Feb 2006)

In a Regiment, rumour and innuendo can spread faster than measles.  Do you really want your friend to be the object of snide comments and ridicule?  If it were me, I wouldn't want to be the last guy in the regiment to know the score.  A little pain now, or a lingering infection?  Sterilize the wound, I say.  Just MHO, o'course...


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## geo (18 Feb 2006)

better for him to find out from a friend than finding it out on his own.....
(which means he should already (but doesn't) know)

be a friend!


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## SprCForr (18 Feb 2006)

I told the friend. Ended up paying for that, big time. He might give me the time of day now (18 years later) but not likely.


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## TCBF (19 Feb 2006)

"We had a couple of suicides in the Regiment that year related to spousal problems, "

- Wow, the memories of those days are flooding back now.

Tom


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## outofsoap (19 Feb 2006)

Thanks everybody. lots of advice from both sides of the camp. It really is a tough call. I can't say anything until he is home though (at the very least). It's not just a matter of knowing and not telling him. Like I was saying... he is in a very dangerous place right now.. he needs 100% attention on his job. All I can do is wait until he is home and tell him face to face. I don't think suicide will be his choice but he will be devistated. I know he will not trust any military guys that he works with for quite a while because of his coworkers betrayal. I have been his friend since highschool and we have gone through something similar when I was being cheated on. once he knows one way or the other (her choice. I think I will give her a little bit before he gets home) I will try to be there for him. Let him know that he can't lose his head right now...he'll have to save it for later. 
 SprCForr .. what happened with your friend? Did you have evidence (I do) or was it that your friend couldn't believe you?


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## Hunter (19 Feb 2006)

outofsoap it sounds like you've got a good action plan, and I agree 100% that you should wait until he gets home.  If it ends up that you have to be the Reluctant Bearer of Bad News because his wife doesn't have the guts to do it, preface it by reminding him how long the two of you have been friends, and tell him that it's because of your friendship that you need to tell him.  You're not the one shagging his wife, so there isn't really any reason for him to be pissed at you about it.  Maybe temporarily he'll be angry about it and you might be the most convenient target for him to vent on, but don't take it personally; eventually he will realize that you were acting in his best interests.

But what about the guy?  'Don't blade buddy' was one of the first things drilled into us on BMQ.  While I don't approve of what the wife is doing, I have an even lower opinion of what the guy is doing, and his co-workers that know and condone what is going on.  Those guys are arseholes and personally I would never trust them either.  Perhaps it's a double standard, but I do expect military people to adhere to a higher standard than civilians.

And if I can make another suggestion, whether you tell him or someone else, when he finds out about it make sure you reach out to him so that he knows you are in his corner.  I've heard too many stories about our guys committing suicide over a breakup, and I've wondered why it happens as often as it does.  Sometimes the smallest act of kindness or compassion can make a temporary improvement in someone's perspective, and give them the energy to stick around another day.  And then another day, and another until they get through it.

Good luck!


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## Lane (19 Feb 2006)

Just a question for the reg force guys...  ;D

In "Jarhead" we got to see the infamous marine version of the Wall of Shame. I've heard the Princess Pat's have these too. Any truth here?


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## Proudarmywife (6 Mar 2006)

I can relate..My husband Is a US soldier..he has been deployed to Iraq for 1 year, came home for a few months and now he is deployed to  Kuwait..I am canadian living in Canada...this is the hardest thing i have ever been through..but here are my 2 cents....yes you can make it work..COMMUNICATION and Trust is the most important thing...Be open with each other and talk about all issues..do not leave anything unresolved..it makes things 10 times worse...I wish you and your bf the best of luck..


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## The Gues-|- (6 Mar 2006)

outofsoap said:
			
		

> I know the two individuals that she has cheated with. They are both army. One of them actually works with him!



I hope people like that are shunned from their Regiments.  This probably happens more than I would like to think, but could anyone from experience tell me what happens to people like that (if anything at all)?


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## TCBF (6 Mar 2006)

Nothing happens to them.


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## geo (6 Mar 2006)

(in the past, the officers that the Regiments did not want would be cast off to the Militia)


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## GO!!! (7 Mar 2006)

TCBF said:
			
		

> Nothing happens to them.



+1

A more common occurance would be the number of members who cheat on their significant others while on taskings/crses/deployments - and are routinely ignored - time after time.

It would be pretty hypocritical to hammer the wives and their playmates while the serving mbrs get away with it far more frequently.


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## outofsoap (22 Mar 2006)

And it keeps getting worse. yes another one. Oh well.. guess it doesn't matter if its one of fifty in the end.  Yeah... I'd probably say it's a fifty/fifty ratio at least for the cheating.  In this case its pretty lowdown...  all three in the army. one he doesn't know. one he works with. one he is currently deployed with. It's too bad that nothing really does happen to them.


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## NavyGirl280 (22 Mar 2006)

My husband has been in the Navy for 4 years now. We have only been married for 6 months. There was times when I thought that I would lose him. There was times when I thought there is no way this is the kind of life I want for myself and our children. We have been together a while now and everything couldnt be better. Of course I still miss him like theres no tomorrow when he sails but I also know its his job. Its the life we chose together. We trust one another 120% and we know neither would cheat while he is away. The military is going to throw you through some loops and make you question just about everything they do. You need to remember whatever happens, you can get through it together. My in-laws have been married now for 35 years and they're still going strong. My father-in-law retired in August 2005 after serving for 35 years in the military. He and my mother-in-law married the same year he joined. Now, if anyone can put up with my father-in-law that long and still be married to his thick headed ways, Im sure you guys will be fine.      LOL

There will be some days things will seem as if they're getting worse before getting better but if this is what the both of you want, you can make it happen! I wish the two of you the best of luck in everything that you do


S.Bradbury


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## monika (22 Mar 2006)

outofsoap said:
			
		

> And it keeps getting worse. yes another one. Oh well.. guess it doesn't matter if its one of fifty in the end.  Yeah... I'd probably say it's a fifty/fifty ratio at least for the cheating.



That's about average though, regardless of career. It isn't just in the military; when I worked in finance as a young and naive 20 something I was stunned at how many "special projects" involved restaurants with intimate lighting and no co-workers...


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## Navan (18 Oct 2006)

My boyfriend's about to join the CF and I'm just wondering what to expect. I'm in school so I'm not worried about following him around while he's in BMQ or SQ or anything like that, I probably won't be able to join him for about 3 years, but that's exactly why I'm wondering. Is he going to be able to contact me regularily after BMQ? When I go visit him am I allowed to stay with him? I know the first while is going to be hard with not allot of communication, I guess I'm just really overwhelmed by the whole thing. Anyone who'se been throught his with their girlfriends or girlfriends or wives that have been through this I'd really appreciate a little light shed. I figure the more I know what to expect the less worried or confused I'm going to be when he actually leaves.


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## George Wallace (18 Oct 2006)

*Army.ca Conduct Guidelines*: MUST READ - http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/24937.0.html

MSN and ICQ "short hand" -  http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/33247.0.html

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## patrick666 (18 Oct 2006)

I've been with my girlfriend for a year now and I am finishing my recruiting process next Monday and hopefully to Basic Training soon after. I'm also hoping to be stationed in Petawawa but I get what I get. 

I made sure she understood that - a) There is going to be long bouts of seperation b) We will be living in different cities until she finishes school c) It will be rough but it will get better d) If she does not feel like she can handle it then we should break up now because I don't want to put her through the experience for no reason or have her break up with me while I'm away e) I may go on tour and I will gone for months, to understand that, yes, I will be able to contact her but not all the time and that I will need her support. The best thing to do is talk with your partner openly and honestly, explain to them the military life. She has 2 years of school left so she says that should help keep her busy while I'm away. 

It will be difficult but honesty and communication are key to success. We have a strong connection and I believe we can make it work. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, we only see each other once a week and I usually can't wait. I really hope it all works out.


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## armyvern (18 Oct 2006)

Then Patrick

You are making wise decisions and choices. Key word in your post is "communicating" and don't ever stop doing that.

By the way, if you're asking for Pet...you'll probably get it. Not too many of us volunteer for that place; they thought I was nuts in Halifax (my first posting as a 'younger' Pte) when I put in a memo saying that I wanted to go to the field and Petawawa; they did let me go though!! Good luck and I hope you get it.


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## Canadian Sig (18 Oct 2006)

I just don't get the mentality of some of my fellow soldiers. My wife is also in the forces (also a sig) and a few weeks ago she was finishing her 5s course. On the night of her course party she went back to shacks and went to bed ( pretty drunk ) and some bozzo from her course , about an hour later, comes into her room and starts rubbing her back and tries to convince her to have sex with him. Now she has learned a lesson or two; 1. always lock her door at night, 2. Don't get drunk without back-up, and sadly 3. don't trust your fellow comrades.

What I don't get is the mentality that tells this peice of trash that its OK to screw around with another soldiers wife. Not even some civie but the wife of a guy who might be covering your back in battle someday. This kind of crap needs to get hammered on by the CoC. If guys started paying for their lack of morals then maybe some of them would straighten up.

Oh well I have a name and even a face from a course picture......and it's a small trade that we're in :threat:


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## GO!!! (20 Oct 2006)

Canadian Sig said:
			
		

> This kind of crap needs to get hammered on by the CoC.* If guys started paying for their lack of morals * then maybe some of them would straighten up.



What, are you going to start giving extra duties to any young Pte (or Lt.) who fornicates outside of marriage? Gets drunk on the weekend? Defends himself a little more vigorously than is prudent?

Also, "some guy" once said, "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" - I assume you have led a flawless life of sober and chaste virtue and labor to make such assertations from on high! 

You must be a fine role model!


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## Jacqueline (20 Oct 2006)

Jenn,
          My high school sweetheart left Ottawa, to qualify in Toronto. He ended up living there, but I understood his situation, and wanted him to know that I supported him 100%. So, I didn't sulk, or cry. But after he left, I felt empty like my soul was vacant and unoccupied. I kind of wish I'd asked him to stay. So, if you feel your relationship might work, run it.


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## Canadian Sig (20 Oct 2006)

[quote author=GO!!!]
What, are you going to start giving extra duties to any young Pte (or Lt.) who fornicates outside of marriage?[/qoute] Nope

[quote author=GO!!!] Gets drunk on the weekend? [/quote]Nope

[quote author=GO!!!]Defends himself a little more vigorously than is prudent?[/quote]Nope

I will however advocate punishing those who "fornicate" with other soldiers wives. Why??? Because if nothing else it is bad for moral, unit co-hesion and the team in general. I'm fairly sure that it goes against the Principals of Leadership to allow it to happen amongst your subordinates.

[quote author=GO!!!]Also, "some guy" once said, "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" - I assume you have led a flawless life of sober and chaste virtue and labor to make such assertations from on high! [/quote] I'm not likely to pull out my sling-shot and let fly but I can say that I have never done this dis-service to a fellow soldier, and whats more I never will. I can also say that I have never snuck into the room of a drunk married woman and touched her in any way ( fairly sure thats against the criminal code even if it's not against your personal code), and whats more I never will.
[quote author=GO!!!]You must be a fine role model! [/quote] 

I think so as ( I hope) do most of the guys who work for me who expect me to cover their backs like a good leader.


More importantly add to that the fact that this soldier needs to hold a level 3 security clearance and he placed himself in a compromising position and he should lose his clearance, and as a result, his job.


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## patrick666 (20 Oct 2006)

If you don't feel you can trust your spouse in regards to carnal desires while you are away then you need to have a serious discussion. Do not leave with problems or what you think are problems. Settle all of your quarrels before you depart. Lay everything on the table, ante up and risk the future because it's her future too. If it's not with you then better sooner than later.


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## Canadian Sig (20 Oct 2006)

Patrick,

 Thanks for the friendly advice. 9er domestic and I are stong as an ox and it's not a real issue. It was more just an observation about what kind of lack of morals attitude seems to be rampant in the military as a whole. You know all the qliches like what happens in____ stays in____. I just think that if you cant trust the guy in the hole next to you to not try to nail your wife while your away then is he even the kind of guy we want to recruit to put in the hole next to you in the first place?


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## patrick666 (20 Oct 2006)

That's true to a point. I wouldn't want to trust my life to somebody I cannot trust. However, if he/she has proven to be a capable and proficient soldier then he does deserve to be a part of the team. I think it would be an issue to be brought up before the COC, I'm not part of the military yet so I'm speaking from a strictly civilian point of view. My girlfriend and I are pretty strong as well and I do trust her to remain faithful and vice versa but sometimes that kind of stuff happens. Lame excuse, I know, but some cannot muster the will power. The soldier in question cannot be solely responsible for it takes 'two to tango' so to speak. If such a situation did occur, I'm sure he or she would be dealt with because that sort of thing travels quickly in a small community. 

Again, communication is the key. In that situation, she/he needs to tell you when others are trying to take advantage of her and your absence.


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## GO!!! (20 Oct 2006)

Canadian Sig said:
			
		

> More importantly add to that the fact that this soldier needs to hold a level 3 security clearance and he placed himself in a compromising position and he should lose his clearance, and as a result, his job.



Riiiight, so you would yank someone's security clearance for "attempted philandering" great. It's knee jerk reactions like that that make us look foolish as a military. A bunch of so called professionals using the system on each other to settle personal beefs is pretty corrosive to morale too, and a disturbingly large waste of time and resources. 

If you have a problem with what happened, perform a quick "8 inches below the belt check", then use what you see, (there should be two of them) and go have a quick chat with the person in question. Don't you feel somewhat emasculated that you have to resort to administrative action to solve your personal problems? What happened to solving issues at the lowest level? 

I'd be more concerned about "leaders" scared to death of a confrontation with one of their peers than someone else's drunken stupidity.

If you brought this "issue" to me as a supervisor, I would laugh you out of my office. You need to seperate your personal life from the military.


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## Jewelle (20 Oct 2006)

There is always hope for a relationship with someone in the forces.  I have been married to an RCR for 17 years. Been through MANY tours and have had many nights alone. The two most important things that I have found in our marriage is trust and communication.  (sometimes the communicaiton gets quite loud  LOL), but persevere and you will be fine.


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## Canadian Sig (21 Oct 2006)

GO!!! said:
			
		

> Riiiight, so you would yank someone's security clearance for "attempted philandering" great. It's knee jerk reactions like that that make us look foolish as a military. A bunch of so called professionals using the system on each other to settle personal beefs is pretty corrosive to morale too, and a disturbingly large waste of time and resources.
> 
> If you have a problem with what happened, perform a quick "8 inches below the belt check", then use what you see, (there should be two of them) and go have a quick chat with the person in question. Don't you feel somewhat emasculated that you have to resort to administrative action to solve your personal problems? What happened to solving issues at the lowest level?
> 
> ...



Obviously I need to explain myself better. I handled it exactly like that. When I found out, I confronted the guy myself ( as best as can be considering he is posted to the other side of the country ) and no I did not send it through my chain. I won't send it through my chain but I do think that the chain should have some "persuasion" referance the morals of the soldiers it commands. And I stand by my opinion of the fact that someone with a top secret security clearance needs to be someone with good judgment. If we want to foster some "bullshite" team attitude then we need to not stick each other in the back..or the front 

For the record I have never yet setteled a personal beef with the system and I cant see myself starting. Sorry if I have been unclear on the subject.


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## unofficial (22 Oct 2006)

Hi all

It is simple if you have a strong relationship thing will work if not well you can guess. The military does put a lot of strain on any relationship in the army or navy it is worse because the are gone so much. The wives or girlfriends are so worried they will cheat or have to much fun while away they harp on them all the time about it. Trust and a lot of patients go a long way. I would suggest to relax and when you do hear from him enjoy it because it will take some pressure off him as well knowing you are okay. It goes both ways stop stressing over things you can’t control just relax.


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## bilton090 (22 Oct 2006)

unofficial said:
			
		

> Hi all
> 
> It is simple if you have a strong relationship thing will work if not well you can guess. The military does put a lot of strain on any relationship in the army or navy it is worse because the are gone so much. The wives or girlfriends are so worried they will cheat or have to much fun while away they harp on them all the time about it. Trust and a lot of patients go a long way. I would suggest to relax and when you do hear from him enjoy it because it will take some pressure off him as well knowing you are okay. It goes both ways stop stressing over things you can’t control just relax.


   Dear Abby:       The door swings both ways !


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## PteGDD (26 Oct 2006)

I have been in a simular situation as what you about to embark on.  Only from a Reservist stand point.  By the sounds of it, your boyfriend is going Regular force.  All I can say is, once the ball starts rolling you'll be hearing from him by phone or internet quite frequently.  Times have changed and communication is easier then ever.  At first it might be hard because he won't have the priviledges, but they will come.  After a couple weeks he will get weekends off, and if you live close to the base you can see him then for sure.  But he will definitly be able to call you often while in garrison.


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## fly_lady_fly (27 Oct 2006)

Navan, 

I can relate to your situation, my boyfriend's off to BMQ in roughly a month and I've still got 2 years of school left. While I'm confident that things will be fine, I get worried sometimes too, about when I'll be hearing from him or when I'll be able to see him. He tells me that BMQ is roughly 10 weeks, and while it might seem like a long time to have only minimal contact with someone, it won't last forever. You will adjust once you figure out how and when you'll be able to talk/see each other. I'm sorry that I don't have any real advice to give, but I hope that you find some small comfort in knowing that you're not the only one feeling the way you are. 

Take care.


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## chocolateconnection (9 Nov 2006)

My boyfriend has joined the army and is waiting for his call, we live in B.C. which is far from Edmonton and I'm tense and uneasy about how it's going to affect our relationship.  Is there hope, anyone have any motivational stories or imput? :-\ ???


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## navymich (9 Nov 2006)

Chocolate, welcome to army.ca.  There are many people in the same, or similar, situation as you.  You can find many of their stories, as well as replies, input and advice from members, in the "Home Front" board at http://forums.army.ca/forums/index.php/board,49


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## George Wallace (9 Nov 2006)

This question has been asked several times in our Forum called "Home Front".  Before you go posting there, as I am going to move this topic, you may be interested in reading these very informative Topics about this site:


*Army.ca Conduct Guidelines*: MUST READ - http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/24937.0.html

MSN and ICQ "short hand" -  http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/33247.0.html

Regarding the use of "MSN speak" versus the employment of prose which is correct in grammar, spelling and punctuation, please see: http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/34015/post-260446.html#msg260446

Tone and Content on Army.ca: http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/51970.0.html

FRIENDLY ADVICE TO NEW MEMBERS - http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/24937/post-259412.html#msg259412

Recruiting FAQ - http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/21101.0.html


Canadian Forces Aptitude Test - http://army.ca/forums/threads/21101/post-103977.html#msg103977
Fitness requirements at enrolment, see page 12 of this brochure: http://64.254.158.112/pdf/physical_fitness_en.pdf

Infantry FAQ - http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/21131.0.html

Search page - http://forums.army.ca/forums/index.php?action=search;advanced

Google search of Army.ca - http://www.google.ca/search?hl=en&q=+site%3Aarmy.ca+%22search+term%22&btnG=Search&meta= (follow the link then replace "search term" with what you are looking for)

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To summarize. Welcome to Army.ca, start reading.


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## Blue Nile (16 Nov 2006)

You should ask yourself if you can see yourself with him. Life is unpredictable, commitment will carry you through a relationship military or otherwise. There are numerous curve balls that can be thrown at a couple and test or tear a relationship.My husband is in the army, he was a civi when we married, he is where he belongs. As a civi he was home everynight but he was miserable. Now in the army he is a duck in water, we have been apart for 8 months but nothing gives me more joy than seeing him happy.The life is hard but life is hard in general. You cannot become codependent it isn't healthy. I have grown as a person since he has been in the forces.You need to ask can I grow old with him?


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## proudnurse (5 Dec 2006)

Jenn

I know that there are alot of replies to this, but I'm going to throw my two cents in also. You have to remember that this is just as hard for him as it is for you, the only way you are going to survive this, is to keep POSITIVE. Negative thinking will not help the situation of being separated. And when you spend time together Make the BEST of it! It's easier said than done, enjoy every moment and don't dwell on what it's going to be like when you have to separate again. It will just add melancholy to spending time together. WRITE WRITE WRITE. If he does not write you back right away, do not stress, do not think it has anything to do with you, he is focusing on the tasks at hand. 

We are only human, and we are not perfect. Trust me he will understand when you do get down and sad, every relationship is  also different. Try and focus on doing stuff for yourself, getting out with friends and family. The only way you are going to survive this, is if you don't dwell on the "what if's" the "what if's" will kill ya! He needs you to be stronger than you think, and trust me he will get in touch when he can. Distance does not matter, it's the love that will keep you strong. Savour every moment, even if it's a 10 min phone call, an email, letter in the mail, that is spending time with your soldier, and please don't take it for granted. If you need ANYTHING please send me a PM! 

Rebecca


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