# Merged Quotes and Sayings Thread; some useful, some junk



## DnA (10 May 2003)

Mine
Knowledge Speaks, but Wisdom Listens
-Jimi Hendrix

I like the fact that people either think im incredibly gorgeous or ****ing ugly -Brian Molko


Only the dead have seen the end of war
-Plato

If a man does his best, what else is there?
-General George S. Patton 

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. - Martin Luther King Jr


there‘s one by General Hal Moore, that I liked, but forgot it
somthin like the American infantryman doesnt fight for what some president says on TV, the flag, or apple pie, he fights for his fellow soldiers


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## Michael OLeary (11 May 2003)

In the seven years I produced the Canadian Military History Calendar (1996-2002) I accumulated a database of over 4000 cross-referenced quotes and anecdotes, but my personal favourite is my current tagline:


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## Jarnhamar (11 May 2003)

I will not prove my existance. Proof denies faith, with out faith I am nothing.  -God


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## Michael Dorosh (11 May 2003)

> You who are alive on this beach
> Remember that these men died far from home
> That others, here and everywhere, might freely
> Enjoy life in God‘s Mercy


Monument to the Royal Regiment of Canada, Puys, France


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## Evan (11 May 2003)

When we go home, Tell them of us and say, For your tommorow, We gave our today.

inscribed on the British 2nd division memorial at Kohima.


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## Evan (11 May 2003)

correction, the first part goes like this: when you go home.


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## Korus (11 May 2003)

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I‘m not sure about the former." 
-- Albert Einstein.

"Fortuna Favet Fortibus "
(Fortune Favours the Bold)
Guess which brigade I‘m in..


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## Travis (13 May 2003)

My sign below


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## Travis (13 May 2003)

Oops its not there but here are some of mine:

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Martin Luther King Jr.

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.
Martin Luther King Jr.

We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools.
Martin Luther King Jr.

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
Martin Luther King Jr., Letter from Birmingham Jail, April 16, 1963

 ~ This is my all time favorite one ~

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.
Martin Luther King Jr., Strength to Love, 1963

And qutoing from the Shakespreain play :S the Band Of Brothers part especially


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## Korus (14 May 2003)

I‘ve come accross this one a few times already, and I thought some of you may enjoy it.

"When you guys get home and face an anti-war protester, look him in the eyes
and shake his hand.  Then, wink at his girlfriend, because she knows she‘s
dating a ***** ." 
- Commanding General, 1st Marine Division


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## Tpr.Orange (14 May 2003)

"A good Friend will bail you out of jail...a great friend will be sitting next to you in the cell going that **** was awesome"-J.K.

"Losers always whine about their best, winners go home and **** the prom queen"-Sean Connery in the Rock


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## shaunlin41 (14 May 2003)

I have always liked this one, I see it every where.

     "Please do not eat the large white mints"

                              Mr. Urnal


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## klumanth (14 May 2003)

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana

- Groucho Marx


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## Pikache (16 May 2003)

My sig.

What I think are three keys to being a good soldier.


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## DnA (16 May 2003)

> Loyalty, Vigilance, Excellence
> -Motto of Imperial Space Marines


Warhammer 40k ?


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## combat_medic (17 May 2003)

"The purpose of war is not to die for your country, it‘s to make the other sonofab|tch die for his." General Patton

"There‘s a great deal of talk about loyalty from the bottom to the top. Loyalty from the top down is even more necessary and is much less prevalent. One of the most frequently noted characteristics of great men who have remained great is loyalty to their subordinates."
General Patton

I am ready to meet my maker, but whether my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. 
- Winston Churchill 

You can always tell an old soldier by the inside of his holsters and cartridge boxes. The young men carry pistols and cartridges; the old ones, grub.
-George Bernard Shaw

"War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself."
-John Stewart Mill

"Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision."
- Blake Clark 

"In the absence of orders, go find something and kill it."
- Field Marshall Erwin Rommel


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## keener (17 May 2003)

I found this quote on canadiansoldiers.com.. how true it is...
"It is the soldier, not the reporter who has given us the freedom of the press. It is the soldier, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech. It is the soldier, not the campus organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate. It is the soldier who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag. "            
Dennis Edward O‘Brien, Sergeant, United States Marine Corps


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## Pikache (18 May 2003)

> Warhammer 40k ?


There is only on Imperial Space Marines.


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## Michael OLeary (18 May 2003)

Actually Keener, that quote is by Charles Province:

HOUSE OF COMMONS, Thursday, September 24, 1998; STATEMENTS BY MEMBERS  



> NATIONAL DEFENCE
> 
> Mrs. Judi Longfield (Whitbyâ€”Ajax, Lib.): Mr. Speaker, over the past two days national defence headquarters has been celebrating the 75th anniversary of the department and the 30th anniversary of headquarters.
> 
> ...


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## keener (19 May 2003)

Thanks for the correction bro. I stated my source, but it looks like yours may be more accurate. Is Charles Province a Canadian? If so it would make the quote all the more endearing. I swear I‘m going to inscribe it on my gun or something when i earn it. My grampa was airborne in WW2. Crazy ****. He never talks about it. He was a paratrooper and fought all over Europe. My dad said he was in a lot of combat. Its men like him that make me proud to be CANADIAN. They were ****ing tough brave soldiers and we get to continue that legacy and that quote is true


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## Joel85 (19 May 2003)

"I saw Rambo last night, boy, I know what to do next time". Ronald Reagan, refering to the Iranian hostage crisis.


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## Korus (20 May 2003)

"Nuts" 
-- Brigadier General Anthony McAuliffe’s response to German surrender demands during the Battle of the Bulge


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## Evan (22 May 2003)

Hey    , thats mine, look below.


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## Evan (22 May 2003)

whoops, too many. Heres a couple i found, When first under fire and you‘re wishful to duck, Dont look or tack heed at the man that is struck. Be thankful you‘re living and trust to your luck, And march to your front like a soldier.
-Ruyard Kipling

War is fear clocked in courage.
-Gen... William C. Westmoreland

In war, truth is the first casualty
-Aeschylus

Only the dead have seen the end of war.
-Plato


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## Korus (22 May 2003)

heck, any of the Murphy‘s Laws of Combat.

Just wait until the next time the board goes down for maintenance..


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## Infanteer (22 May 2003)

*"It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy course; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly; so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat." 
THEODORE ROOSEVELT (Paris Sorbonne,1910)*

As for Shakespeare, Henry V contains a goldmine, my favorite being
*O God of battles! steel my soldiers‘ hearts;
Possess them not with fear; take from them now
The sense of reckoning, if the opposed numbers
Pluck their hearts from them.*

or

*  Go Tell the Spartans we Lie Here, obedient to their laws.*

Battle Memorial at Thermopylae


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## Sundborg (28 May 2003)

"Only with the new leader, do you realize the value of the old."


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## Korus (28 May 2003)

alrighty, I found my stash of quotes.. here‘s a few;

"Older men declare war. But it is youth that must fight and die." 
-- Herbert Hoover 

"It is only by doing things others have not that one can advance." 
- George S. Patton


JUST A SIMPLE SOLDIER
~Author Unknown~

He was getting old and his hair was falling fast,
And he sat around telling stories of the past.
Of a war that he had fought in and the deeds that he had done, In his exploits with buddies; they were the heroes, every one. And though sometimes to his neighbors, his tales became a joke, All his buddies listened, for they knew whereof he  spoke. But we‘ll hear his tales no longer, for he has passed away, And the world‘s a little poorer, for a soldier died today.

No, he won‘t be mourned by many, just his riends, children, and wife, For he lived a very quiet sort of ordinary life. He held a job, and raised a family, quietly going on his way. And the world won‘t note his passing; though a soldier died  today.

When politicians leave this earth, their bodies lie in state, While thousands note their passing and proclaim that they were great. Papers tell of their life stories from the time that they were young, But the passing of a soldier goes unnoticed and unsung.

Is the greatest contribution to the welfare of our land, Some jerk who breaks his promises and cons his fellow man? Or the ordinary fellow, who in times of war and strife, Goes off to serve his country and offer up his life? The politician‘s stipend and the style in which he lives, Are sometimes disproportionate to the service that he gives, While the ordinary soldier, who offered up his all, Is paid off with a medal and perhaps a pension small.

It‘s so easy to forget them, for it was so long ago That the husbands, sons, and fathers went to battle, but we know It was not the politicians, with their compromise and ploys, Who won for us the freedom that our country now enjoys. Should you find yourself in danger with your enemies at hand, Would you really want some cop-out  politician with his waffling stand? Or would you want a soldier who has sworn to defend, His home, his kin, and country, and would fight until the end?

He was just a common soldier and his ranks are growing thin, But his presence should remind us, we may need his like again. For when countries are in conflict, then we find the soldiers part,
Is to clean up all the troubles that the politicians start. If we cannot do him honor while he‘s here to receive the praise, Then at least let‘s give him homage at the ending of his days. Perhaps a simple headline in the paper that might say: "Our Country is in Mourning, for a Soldier Died Today"


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## Anderson56 (30 May 2003)

Hmm

Best advice ever was: "Never attribute to malice what you can to stupidity - can‘t remember who said it."

Another good one "The commonest stupidity is forgetting that which you set out to do" - Nietzche.

"Dear God, please don‘t let me f*** up"  -  Alan Shepard as they prepared to light the rocket.


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## Etown (30 May 2003)

"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759 

"Anything you can do, I can do dumber." -- Unknown Freeskier at Sunshine Mountain‘s extreme ski competition.

"if you think you‘re free try walking into a deli and urinating on the cheese " -- The Vandals, Anarchy Burger


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## WINDWOLF (30 May 2003)

Korus:

Profound & humble thanks for that qoute.The best i have ever heard.


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## Michael Dorosh (30 May 2003)

> This poem entitled "It Is The Soldier" honors the dutiful soldier. The author is Father Denis O‘Brien, USMC, Guadalcanal veteran from the 11th Marines and chaplain for the 1st Marine Division Association. (Some researchers credit author Charles Province as co-author.)


Province isn‘t the author, unless someone has a better source than I do.


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## timbit (30 May 2003)

"Having decided to achieve a certain task, achieve it at all costs of tedium and distaste. The gain in self confidence of having accomplished a tiresome labour is immense." - Arnold Bennett


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## Soldier of Fortune (31 May 2003)

"Ok....just give me a second to open this map and i‘ll see how f*cked we are."


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## Korus (31 May 2003)

[LAST WORDS]: "They couldn‘t hit an elephant at this dist----" 
--GENERAL JOHN B. SEDGWICK


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## Hasty P (2 Jun 2003)

Here‘s a few of my favorites:

The draft is white people sending black people to fight yellow people to protect the country they stole from red people. - James Rado

A soldier will fight long and hard for a bit of colored ribbon. - Napolean Bonaparte

We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it. - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Everyone‘s a pacifist between wars.  It‘s like being a vegitarian between meals. - Colman McCarthy

The aim of military training is not just to prepare men for battle, but to make them long for it. - Louis Simpson

If Hitler invaded ****  I would make at least a favorable reference to the devil in the House of Commons. - Sir Winston Churchill


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## muskrat89 (2 Jun 2003)

Of course:
"....Ubique means that warninâ€™ grunt the perished linesman knows,
When oâ€™er â€™is strung anâ€™ sufferinâ€™ front the shrapnel sprays â€™is foes;
Anâ€™ as their firinâ€™ dies away the â€™usky whisper runs
From lips that â€™ave nâ€™t drunk all day: â€œThe Guns! Thank Gawd, the Guns!â€ ..."


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## Fader (2 Jun 2003)

After losing 9 members of his squad and having his dropship, APC, and most of his ammunition spent:

"That‘s great man, we‘re in some real pretty **** now.  Now what the **** are we supposed to do... That‘s it man, game over man, game over!"

Private Hudson, USCMC, "Aliens"


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## Pikache (4 Jun 2003)

And a Star Trek quote

â€œIt is not my life to give up Captain. And it never was.â€
Third Rematk‘lan to Captain Sisko, Deep Space Nine episode ‘Rocks and Shoals‘

DS9 is more militaristic than other Trek shows. 
Yes, I‘m a Trekkie.


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## Fader (6 Jun 2003)

Yet you‘re not a SigOp... most of us are Trekkies.

I personally don‘t have any Star Trek quotes, though.


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## sgtdixon (6 Jun 2003)

Hey Korus your Brigade motto is pretty **** close to the Clan Dixon motto which is 
Fortes Fortuna Juvat-Fortune Favors the Brave.
creepy  :blotto:


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## DnA (6 Jun 2003)

We‘r not lost Private, we‘r in Normandy

-Lt Winters, Band of Brothers


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## Jailbait (7 Jun 2003)

Lass uns unsen Leben so teuer wie moglich verkaufen- Let us sell our lives as dearly as we can. -Texas


And the Lord was with the men of Judah and they took the hills, but they were unable to take the plains for the people of the plains had chariots of iron.


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## Gunnar (9 Jun 2003)

Montrose‘s Toast:  He either fears his fate too much, or his rewards are small;  who dares not put it to the touch, to win or lose it all.


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## WINDWOLF (10 Jun 2003)

Gen-Baron von Hammersteiner
Equord C-C,Reichswehr:

I divid my officers into four classes:
the clever
the lazy
the industrious
and the stupid.
Each officer posses at least two of these qualities.Those who are clever & industrious
are fitted for the highest staff appointments.

Use can be made of those who are stupid & lazy.
The man who is clever & lazy however,is for the
very highest command;he has the temperment &
the nerves to deal with all situations.
Whoever is stupid and industrious is a menace
and must be removed immediatly.


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## John Nayduk (10 Jun 2003)

“I swear to God, I thought turkeys could fly”. 

Les Nessman


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## Korus (10 Jun 2003)

A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20: 

Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it." 

-- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"


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## Evan (12 Jun 2003)

What me worry
-Alfred E Newman(mad mag)


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## WINDWOLF (12 Jun 2003)

Hey Korus,
How many times did you have to hit rewind
to get all that?    

If it walks like a duck & talks like a duck
by f**k it,s got to be a duck.


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## Korus (12 Jun 2003)

Heh, I didn‘t have to.. I found a webpage where someone else had done it..   

Though I wouldn‘t mind catching that movie again...


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## WINDWOLF (12 Jun 2003)

Send the web page to me, i am in need of a 
good laugh.Best python movie made.

On a side note:
Can anybody tell me if the 2nd PPCLI drum line
is still going?

aloha.


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## Korus (12 Jun 2003)

I just got it from  This website.
Not much else on there, appart from the lyrics to "Always look on the bright side of life"


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## WINDWOLF (13 Jun 2003)

Thanks Korus,

Will check it out.

aloha.


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## OLD SCHOOL (18 Jun 2003)

" a friend will help you move but a good friend will help you move a body"


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## Evan (18 Jun 2003)

"well i can‘t keep throwing **** at them"
i forget the author‘s name but he said it during the attack on pearl harbour.


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## kurokaze (19 Jun 2003)

From ShakeSpeare‘s Henry V:

Best speach I‘ve ever heard in my life.

(Henry)

"That he which hath no stomach to this fight,
Let him depart; his passport shall be made,
And crowns for convoy put into his purse;
We would not die in that man‘s company
That fears his fellowship to die with us.
...skip...
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne‘er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;"


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## Pikache (27 Jun 2003)

"Think where man‘s glory most begins and ends,
And say my glory was when I had such friends."
-Yeats


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## D-n-A (27 Jun 2003)

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
-Edmund Burke


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## 311 (27 Jun 2003)

Best quote ever, acting like a duck while sgt is saying " I don‘t hear any quackin‘ now say the line..."Quack Quack im a duck and im all ****ed up".

Which led to the later quote.

" Go there and back and say the line but you don‘t have to say your all ****ed up because we already know you are "

   to funny...


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## deathwing5 (4 Jul 2003)

Here‘s a couple i like --

 not a quote but a proverb  





> He who starts up in anger, sits down with a loss - Turkish Proverb





> I wasn‘t a hero, but I served with a company of heroes -Lt. Winters (BoB) when grandson asked if he was a hero in war





> I want to be with my friends -General MacArthur as he walked through graveyard pretty sad if u see the whole story





> This is a war lead by the unqualified, fought by the unwilling, dying for the Ungrateful -Soldier in Vietnam


And I like the one below    p.s. Band of Brothers is the best.


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## Pikache (1 Feb 2004)

It must be something very memorable as in it was very funny, absurd, etc during your military career.

Keep it short and sweet. Also, no names, unless the person being quoted doesn‘t mind.





(Remarks with sexually connotations removed by Moderator)


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## combat_medic (2 Feb 2004)

Sweating like a ***** in church
You‘re as graceful as an octupus falling out of a helicopter.
You look like 10 pounds of $hit in a 5 pound sack
You‘re depriving a village somewhere of its idiot
I wouldn‘t cross the street to piss on your grave
There‘s nothing more dangerous than a Private with a choice or a 2nd Lieutenant with a map
(about an officer) His men wouldn‘t even follow him out of curiosity


(Remarks with sexually connotations removed by Moderator)


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## xFusilier (2 Feb 2004)

During the mandatory "hygeine" lecture:

Gentlemen, gone are the days when a tube of poly-sporin and a toilet brush would cure all your problems


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## Danjanou (2 Feb 2004)

CM, I always though it was "idle curiousity."

My personal favourite from day one of any course was:

"My name is *****. Don‘t bother remembering it because the next words you‘re going to hear are fasten seat belts, no smoking."


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## Yeoman (2 Feb 2004)

"sweating like a hungarian prostitute in a police station"
how that one made sense I‘ll never understand, but a retired Sgt always said that one to me.
"RANGE: 200, ENEMY BUS FULL OF SCHOOL CHILDREN BEING DRIVEN BY A NUN!" 
again the same man. just how serious that man said it, I could not help but laugh in the middle of a carl gustav test.
Greg


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## Bruce Monkhouse (2 Feb 2004)

The one I used when I wanted to give a little jab to a CP officer who was peeing us off was" ah university, another 4 years of smoking dope and badmouthing your country" [and then I looked as innocent as possible like "what?"   CHEERS


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## Garry (2 Feb 2004)

Basic training, EVERY drill period:

M/Cpl: "Halt halt halt!!! ****, Shake your head"

****: shakes his head, slowly, side to side.

M/Cpl: " What do you hear, ***?"

****: "Nothing, M/Cpl"

M/Cpl "That‘s because there‘s nothing in there ****!!!!"
..................................................

M/Cpl: "As you were! ****, raise your right hand. That is NOT your right hand!!"
..................................................

I don‘t remember much about my basic training, but I remember that poor old **** couldn‘t drill for love nor money, and that we were very lucky in that out M/Cpl NEVER yelled, except during drill, and only at ****.


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## Pikache (2 Feb 2004)

"You only prove with your left hand"
(someone proves with right hand)
"Your army left."

Also used in reference to getting left and right wrong.


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## bubba (2 Feb 2004)

hey buddy by the look of the dent in your forehead,your parents must of been cousins.....


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## Yeoman (2 Feb 2004)

another one I just remembered (maybe you‘ll remember this one too RHF)
back on I think it was my SQ, yeah cuz we were hucking grenades. the stores warrant was out there calling off names
now you see my name (yeoman, duh) and well I guess he thought it was pronounced yehmen
"private yehmen"
"it‘s private yeoman warrant"
"WELL BOO *instert the f bomb* HOO!"
that man I will never forget. scariest man ever
Greg


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## Pikache (3 Feb 2004)

Hehehe. I remember that guy. One scary man.


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## alexk (3 Feb 2004)

my personal favorite one is

" If Jesus was a sargent-major you would all be going to ****"


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## Pte. Bloggins (3 Feb 2004)

> Originally posted by Garry:
> [qb] Basic training, EVERY drill period:
> 
> M/Cpl: "Halt halt halt!!! ****, Shake your head"
> ...


lol! I‘ve also heard another version of that, except at the end the MCpl says "it‘s because $hit sticks"

Some great ones:

-That sheet is more wrinkled then my @ss when I got out of the bathtub.
-After this inspection, you troops won‘t be able to sit down for a week.
-Don‘t piss on my face and tell me it‘s raining.
-I swear I wasn‘t talking MCpl! Yeah, well I swear alot too.

and the one favoured by by MCpls everywhere:
"Pte ******, do you love me? Why are you looking at me with love in your eyes? 
(and the many variations of the above)


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## Franko (3 Feb 2004)

I‘d chime in troops but was given a warning about the swearing I‘ve done...

Oh what the heck...

SSM...."You troops march like a walkin‘ cluster   "

RSM...Nothing but the best for the troops...and that‘s what they‘ll get...NOTHING! (He was mad at the CO for canning the smoker in 95)

Doing PT in 88 the course Mcpl said while doing push ups" one tubby wubby...two tubby wubby..." I was shocked when I saw Major Pain years later..he sounded just like that Mcpl! I was rolling on the floor!    

Regards


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## Garry (4 Feb 2004)

Sqn pig roast, outdoors, Base Commander invited, arrived late. One Captain had drunk a little too much. Upon arrival, base Commander was met by several of the Senior guys. As the group walked up to the tent, the drunken captain came around the corner, saw the group, and hollered: (VERY loudly) "Hey Sir, any room left on yer butt for my lips?"...and promptly passed out.

True story.


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## Spr.Earl (4 Feb 2004)

Second hand mind you.

Happend in the Wack.

Base Chief (Sapper)who was a down homer 
saw a Sapper walking on the grass.

Loud voice "Git off the grass and I don‘t mean the stuff you smoke!"

Or;

Inspecting the rank‘s from the rear.
Does it hurt?
No Sgt.
Well it should!!
Get a F‘n hair cut!!


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## Foxhound (4 Feb 2004)

Just thought of one:

"PRIVATE!  If brains were C-4, you wouldn‘t have enough to blow your nose!"


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## RCA (4 Feb 2004)

The guners in the audience will understand this one:

Few years ago in Shilo during the summer, one of the Arty crses taught 2Lt how to be Lts (Recce O,CPO & GPO).

One day one of the officer candidates decided to take down the director and race back to the recce veh eager and ready for the next deployment. Unfortunatly the the guns had not finished their check bearing.

 As the young officer (probably a Maj or LCol by now) was running across the field with the director tuck under his arm, one of the Number 1s was heard to yell at him in a voice heard clear across the gun position.

"What do you do for an encore, $hit on your hatbadge!"


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## Lexi (4 Feb 2004)

"Remember boys - flies spread disease..
So keep yours closed."


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## chrisf (4 Feb 2004)

> Originally posted by Pte. Bloggins:
> [qb]
> and the one favoured by by MCpls everywhere:
> "Pte ******, do you love me? Why are you looking at me with love in your eyes?
> (and the many variations of the above)     [/qb]


I heard that one back-fire on a sergeant once... took him a second or two to recover...

My father‘s old favorite line was "Don‘t f‘ing look at me, I‘m shy!"


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## spacelord (4 Feb 2004)

I‘ve heard that one, with a follow up the next week.

"congratulations Pte. ____, I haven‘t caught you looking at me once tonight. you must have put a picture of me up on your wall and practised not looking at it all week"


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## nex (4 Feb 2004)

ok, Sgt on our course brought the course senior up to the middle of the parade square and started his screaming at us.  Then turns around and tells him to bend over.  the turns to the rest of us and says:
Do you LOVE your course senior? 
Do you?
Cause you just ****ED him this inspection like you loved him.


I favour :
mst cpl: Raise your right hand.
mst cpl: no private, your other right hand.

or the sgt when we had our NBC training and he was teaching about what to do when a nuke goes off.  
If you see a big mushroom cloud just over the hill, grab the nearest person and have sex with them, kill the little old lady beside you and kiss your *** goodbye.  

He‘s also very fond of calling us Dirty Monkeys.. "WEAR YOUR SHOWER THONGS SO YOU DON‘T GET THE PISS OF THE LAST DIRTY MONKEY THAT WAS IN THE SHOWER ON YOUR FEET" .. heh.


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## Thompson_JM (4 Feb 2004)

one that I like to use. heard it from an argyle.

when referring to a problem that is not his own.

"Not my Monkey, Not my Zoo."


----------



## Lexi (5 Feb 2004)

> Originally posted by Cpl Thompson:
> [qb] one that I like to use. heard it from an argyle.
> 
> when referring to a problem that is not his own.
> ...


Just pointing it out, it‘s "Argyll"    
Guess you hang around at the James Street Armoury alot..

And there‘s one saying I like that I suppose can be applied to military life..

"Pain is temporary but glory lasts forever"


----------



## combat_medic (5 Feb 2004)

Or being in the army is like p|ssing in a wetsuit; you get a warm tingly feeling all over, but no one f$%ing notices.


----------



## Slim (5 Feb 2004)

" Did you shave this morning Soldier?"

"Yes Sgt!"

" NEXT TIME STEP CLOSER TO THE RAZOR!"

Cheers 
Slim


----------



## DP (5 Feb 2004)

You move slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter!

Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing that privilege!


----------



## Thompson_JM (6 Feb 2004)

> Originally posted by Lexi:
> [qb]
> 
> 
> ...


ugh... i hate when i misspell it.. sorry guys. Argyll... 
and no i work down at CFRB Hamilton/ HMCS Star
23 Svc Bn.

I just needed to give credit where credit is due..


----------



## L/MCpl_Argyll_ Kurrgan (6 Feb 2004)

There is no "I" in team.  But there sure as **** is one in Quit.  And there is a "U" in there too if you want to come with me.

I little mood lightener from Pte Reaume (A&SH of C (PL))  to raise morale on a crappy FTX.


----------



## tmbluesbflat (9 Feb 2004)

"one never knows, do one?" Fats Waller


----------



## Spanky (10 Feb 2004)

YOU, TROOP, ARE A REASON SOME SPECIES EAT THEIR YOUNG!!!


----------



## portcullisguy (10 Feb 2004)

Dominas, you are partly right!  It WAS Rowdy Roddy Piper.  But the movie was "They Live", a horrible 80‘s (1988 to be exact) B-movie with the very worst acting and soundtrack ever, that decade.

"I have come here to do two things: Chew bubble gum, and kick ***.  I am all out of bubble gum!"  This line was ad libbed on the spot by Piper.

There are some other winners in that flick, but for the life of me I can‘t remember them verbatim.

One of the classic scenes, though, is his 10 minute long brawl ... with his FRIEND ... just to get his buddy to try on a pair of special sunglasses that let you see the aliens.  Clearly, this was just to showcase the fact that he‘s a wrestler.  The other actor was Keith David, and part of the fight was real.  It was intended to last only a minute, but John Carpenter liked the improv version and kept it in the final cut.

It‘s funny, while few people admit to having watched this, a lot of people have seen it and can recite that line or know the plot.  It‘s a cult classic, as horrible as it is.

Another cult classic I recommend for some real zingers is "The Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzai (Across the Eighth Dimension)" (1984).  It stars Peter Weller (Robocop, Naked Lunch), John Lithgow (Third Rock from the Sun), Christopher Lloyd (Back to the Future), amd Jeff Goldblum (The Fly, Jurassic Park).  Weller plays Bonzai, a scientist, surgeon, rock star who discovers the portal to the eighth dimension... aliens and battles follow.


----------



## Mr. Ted (11 Feb 2004)

Best quote from basic from one rather large and scary reg force corporal...

"You people best shape up now or I will throw you in the hurt locker and change the combination!"


Or this one with the same corporal(who wasn‘t too swift upstairs) during a lecture on appropriate firing positions for the C9.

Corporal: "Make sure the C9 is positioned to give auxilliary firepower to the advancing section!‘
Candidate taking notes: "Corporal, how do you spell auxilliary?"
Corporal: "Uhhh... A....X.... SHUT UP! This ain‘t english class!"

Mr. Ted


----------



## Spr.Earl (11 Feb 2004)

On the F.E. Basic Demolition Course.

On being taught how to crimp.

Don‘t worry,if it goes off you can learn how to write left handed.


----------



## Korus (11 Feb 2004)

> Or being in the army is like p|ssing in a wetsuit; you get a warm tingly feeling all over, but no one f$%ing notices


Actually, from my diving experiences, It‘s easy to tell when someone goes in their wetsuit:

1) The poor sod gets a great look of releif in his eyes (you know the one, where the eyelids sort of flutter
2) They are haunted by a yellow aura in the water around them
3) After the dive, they soon develope the rash from ****.

But that‘s going off topic.


----------



## Bulvyn (12 Feb 2004)

After looking the cpl in the eyes, "You wanna fight?"

"Remember, where you swim, fish ****."

Mcpl to pte1 "You sleep in that uniform?"
Mcpl to pte2 "You sleep in that uniform?"
Mcpl "Oh, thats right, you slept in each others."


----------



## tmbluesbflat (13 Feb 2004)

Count Basie when somebody commented "nice to see you" he responded "nice to be seen"


----------



## Garry (13 Feb 2004)

"Pain passes, Chicks dig scars, and Glory lasts forever"....Football movie.


----------



## Slim (14 Feb 2004)

This is for anyone who has done enemy force in the Lawfield Corridor.

" 1-1A this is 1-1, I‘d like you to pull up on the ridge and expose yourself."

Cheers 

Slim


----------



## wongskc (14 Feb 2004)

Instructor commenting on marching:

"If you don‘t straighten those arms out I‘m going to rip them off and beat you with the soggy ends!"


----------



## 1feral1 (17 Feb 2004)

Quote from WO Ron MacPhail (PPCLI) during a drill lesson - "You people better get it together, or I‘ll you all running laps around the parade square, til you fall thru your a_sses and hang yourselves".

Try keeping a straight face after that! Needless to say, we ran a few laps around the parade square.

Cheers,

Wes


----------



## 1feral1 (17 Feb 2004)

quote from  WO P.O. Judge (PPCLI), again on the parade square, during a drill lesson. Someone let out a giant fart in the front rank, and P.O. turned around and said "put that back". Again try keeping a straight face.

Those were sure the good old days.


Cheers,

Wes


----------



## clasper (21 Feb 2004)

Inspection one morning during JLC- MCpl walks in "Christ, Cpl Smith, you‘re sweating like a whore in church."  MCpl looks in Smith‘s locker "and your uniform‘s all wrinkled.  My God!  You slept in one uniform and showered in the other!"


----------



## clasper (21 Feb 2004)

My father (6ft tall) was a brand new OCdt during his first week of basic.  The inspecting Sgt (5ft tall) gets right close and stares straight up dad‘s nostrils and says "You sir, are a grubby little man!"

Needless to say, there were pushups until the laughter subsided.


----------



## bossi (24 Feb 2004)

An urban legend handed down from one generation to another ...

In Gagetown a RESO platoon was formed up.
For some reason, they started snickering.
The non-anglophone WO became incensed, and started shouting at the candidates:  
"... You all tink you‘re so smart, just because you go to university.  Well, let me tell YOU some-ting:  I gots two sons in university, and you know what?  They know fk nothing!  Me, I know ... [are you ready ... ?] ...

I know fk all!!!!"

The platoon dissolved into gales of laughter ...


----------



## Gryphon (24 Feb 2004)

Sgt on my 3s at CFSCE... we were haveing cadets in the same shacks as us.. don‘t ask my to explain WHY... They were just there... he walks into the classroom, goes to the white board and writes: "CADETS = JAIL", looks at us "Any questions? No? good" and walks out...


----------



## George Wallace (24 Feb 2004)

PPCLI WO instructing drill to a Platoon of Female OCdts in Shilo:

"This next drill movement I‘m going to teach you, you will all get wrong...and how do I know? .....I‘ve got a crystal ball...."    One giggle, two, three, then whole second rank, then whole platoon, followed by:

"Get off my parade square....five minute break!"


----------



## George Wallace (24 Feb 2004)

Young officer was teaching a class on theory for the Eryx missle.  He got a little frustrated trying to answer a question and said:  "It‘s not rocket science!"

Cpl puts up his hand and says: "But sir, it is."

Officer left class, never to return.


----------



## stukirkpatrick (25 Feb 2004)

> Young officer was teaching a class on theory for the Eryx missle. He got a little frustrated trying to answer a question and said: "It‘s not rocket science!"


When a former airborne sgt on my basic used that line during Carl G ammo lectures, I was smart enough to keep my mouth shut


----------



## 1feral1 (25 Feb 2004)

An Australian female recruit at Kapooka who fell off a 2 metre fence with rifle and webbing during her attempt at an obstical course, smashed her teeth (splitting them). As she stood up with tears as big as horse turds, the DS said ‘crikey you look like bloody Daracula‘.

I guess you had to be there. I wasnt but heard all about it.

Cheers,

Wes


----------



## spacelord (25 Feb 2004)

Said by a MCpl upon finding a candidate drunk, and passed out in the shacks:
"I drink. I drink a lot. but I never pass out, and I never puke because that is a waste of time"


----------



## 1feral1 (25 Feb 2004)

Hey Little, the Army aint 9th grade! The last time I heard a saying like that was off of Gomer Pyle!

No matter who one is or his/her preferance, if they can‘t take a joke, they should be working at McDonalds or something similar.

Politically correctiveness is the LANGUAGE of Cowards!

Sure we have to have manners here, and thats expected, but it will be a cold day in **** if we all become politically correct.

Cheers,

Wes


----------



## bossi (26 Feb 2004)

I‘ve just been reminded of an incident at Farnham, near Montreal ...

A subbie from the Black Watch had ingested a little too much anti-freeze ... and said:

"Lead me away from here.  I want to puke with dignity."


----------



## patrick666 (26 Feb 2004)

Question,

Why is he drinking anti-freeze?!


----------



## garb811 (26 Feb 2004)

Anti-freeze=slang for alcohol.

MP Urban Legend, usually told along the lines of a young MP receiving a polite reprimand for disregarding protocol from a non-MP who is of higher rank, followed by the following as a rebuttal:

"Sir, don‘t confuse your rank with my authority..."


----------



## brneil (26 Feb 2004)

Most memorable quote from my BOTC:

One million sperm and your the one that won!!!


----------



## Huggy (11 Jan 2005)

Things you have been told over the years.

I was thinking it would be nice to share some little quotes or sayings we have heard over the years.

I'll get the ball going.

This coming from a friend who just got engaged. ;D
I hope I have a son, its less stress for me. With a daughter I would have to worry about hundreds of Dicks out there and with a son I only have to worry about one.

My dad
Don't assume anything you just end up making an A*S out of 'U' and ME!


----------



## HollywoodHitman (11 Jan 2005)

Don't eat yellow snow.........Sage advice.......I saw some while I was skiing last week........


----------



## I_Drive_Planes (11 Jan 2005)

Don't fry bacon in the nude! 

seriously, its not as fun as it sounds  ;D


----------



## vangemeren (11 Jan 2005)

> Don't fry bacon in the nude!
> 
> seriously, its not as fun as it sounds  Grin



Why do you have personal experience? ^-^

 I guess I'm breaking an old saying:

"No posting stupid posts" 

(I'm not saying this is a stupid post, just that they saying should be made the first commandment of this site)


----------



## brin11 (11 Jan 2005)

How about my favourite from my mom when ANYTHING is going badly:  

"It's okay, you're just building character".


----------



## Ex-Dragoon (11 Jan 2005)

"It's only wrong if you get caught doing it"


----------



## Scott (11 Jan 2005)

Parents: Never say "Oh, my child would never do that"

Funny, my Mom told me that.


----------



## camochick (11 Jan 2005)

My favorite has to be, " JUst because they make it in your size doesnt mean you should wear it"

Also I have a friend and she is quite religious and well... I am not hehe, dont ask me how we get along, but whenever i do something or say something bad hehe she says "You're making baby jesus cry" haha i love that one. 

My parents were always good for the old "When I was your age, I walked 20 miles to school uphill naked in a snowstorm." gotta love your parents. hehe >


----------



## 9nr Domestic (11 Jan 2005)

It is better to beg for forgiveness, then to ask for permission.


----------



## bojangles (11 Jan 2005)

Whenever my brother and would get a little cocky with my Dad and challange him to anything remotely physical my Dad would always say this:  "Don't let fear stop you, but don't let your mouth make a fool of your face"....My Dad has never ever ever hit us but it always made us think twice before going too far with him.

Bojangles


----------



## Tpr.Orange (11 Jan 2005)

"its your neck anyway you want to break it is fine by me"


----------



## camochick (11 Jan 2005)

My favorite threat from my dad was " Do you want a size nine up your ass" He was in the army and those boots hurt, so needless to say i shut my mouth when he pulled that line out hehe.   >


----------



## aesop081 (11 Jan 2005)

"when in doubt, rack out"

"when no one's around, go to ground"


----------



## goodform (11 Jan 2005)

not sure if this is exactly what you're all looking for but regarding kilts...

"good girls ask, bad girls find out"


----------



## PteCamp (11 Jan 2005)

Well, my mom gave me some advice not to long ago... she told me.

"never ever have children, they ruin your life." that made me feel good about myself lol

-KaT


----------



## sm0ke (11 Jan 2005)

If you can't be a good example, be a terrible warning...


----------



## chrisf (11 Jan 2005)

Just because you can doesn't mean you have to... applies to many things. Most things I do really... warnings are really dares in disguise.


----------



## aesop081 (11 Jan 2005)

"you are all tigers, there's no donkeys in my battalion"

Cheers Tess


----------



## chrisf (11 Jan 2005)

Your left. No, your other left.


----------



## aesop081 (11 Jan 2005)

"on the bus......off the bus...........what are you doing off the buss ?"


----------



## Gunnar (11 Jan 2005)

Better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6.


----------



## aesop081 (11 Jan 2005)

"Its been like that for the last 20 f'ing years, if you don't like it...get the f**k out !!"


----------



## camochick (12 Jan 2005)

This was a fav of my parents when I was in high school "If you don't like it leave, and dont let the door hit you in the ass on the way out" >


----------



## fir_na_tine (12 Jan 2005)

My personal favorite is "Now what the hell did you go and do that for?" Last time i heard that was when i was getting sewn back together.


----------



## Tpr.Orange (12 Jan 2005)

my dad would make a joke everyonce in a while...

hed say 
" why is the human ass crack vertical instead of horizontal? Because when you go down a slide it would sound like this (blablablablabla)"


----------



## I_Drive_Planes (12 Jan 2005)

camochick said:
			
		

> dont let the door hit you in the *** on the way out" >



That's funny, thats exactly what my great-uncle said to his ex-girlfriend when he dumped her.  The really funny part is that she was from Slovakia, and she didn't quite get it, so he had to explain it to her!


----------



## Drummy (12 Jan 2005)

Hi,

Heard in 1957 during our first week of recruit training(from the platoon Sgt).

"Remember this people - you have NO human rights here, because you are NOT considered to be humans".

At least he referred to us as people. I was called much worse in my career.


----------



## GIJANE (13 Jan 2005)

Everytime i did something wrong my mother would say "just wait till you have kids of your own" i think it was a curse cause now i have a 2 year old  :


JANE


----------



## Huggy (14 Jan 2005)

comming from my bests friends dad

"there are two types of people in this world, those who DO and those who DO NOT. (Yelling at his wife) Honey there is someone at the door!"


----------



## Baloo (14 Jan 2005)

Slogan: "Down with Pants, Up with Kilts."  >

A lot more...appealling...at high school than in the army...


----------



## MSE_OP18 (14 Jan 2005)

"You are Not Paid to think"
" Do as I say not as I do"

Oh yeah and as a young private in my first few days in Petawawa....." Go to the CQ and get me a roll of contour line" Good thing I had some experience in map reading!  Oh yeah the last one......Buddy of mine pulled this one on a private late last year at the ranges here....." Go get the Brass Magnet will ya"


----------



## patt (14 Jan 2005)

GIJANE said:
			
		

> Everytime i did something wrong my mother would say "just wait till you have kids of your own" i think it was a curse cause now i have a 2 year old   :
> 
> 
> JANE



my mom always says to me "i hope u have a kid just like you someday" now after readin ur post i think its gonna happen


----------



## 9nr Domestic (14 Jan 2005)

After hitting the ditch with my mom's car and walking home to get my dad to help me out, he said, "There are 2 types of people those that have hit the ditch and those that will hit the ditch."  It made me feel better at the time.


----------



## Long in the tooth (16 Jan 2005)

Now that I have three kids (one teen), not only do I sound like my Dad, it feels good to sound like him.  I guess he was smarter than I gave him credit for at the time....


----------



## karl28 (18 Jan 2005)

When I was 20 I was in the Reserves for a short period about a year I had Sergeant always used to say "Your Job is not do an wonder why but to do and die "     It's been sound for along time but still a classic .


----------



## Poppa (18 Jan 2005)

If it's not specifically forbidden it's allowed.

Funny that one seems to get me into the most trouble...used to... I'm much more responsible nowadays


----------



## Horse_Soldier (18 Jan 2005)

karl28 said:
			
		

> When I was 20 I was in the Reserves for a short period about a year I had Sergeant always used to say "Your Job is not do an wonder why but to do and die "     It's been sound for along time but still a classic .



It's been around since the Crimean war, penned by Alfred Lord Tennyson after the Battle of Balaclava: 

_The Charge of the Light Brigade_
Half a league, half a league,
        Half a league onward,
 All in the valley of Death
        Rode the six hundred.
 `Forward, the Light Brigade!
 Charge for the guns!' he said:
 Into the valley of Death
        Rode the six hundred.

 `Forward, the Light Brigade!'
Was there a man dismay'd?
Not tho' the soldier knew
      Some one had blunder'd:
*Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to do and die:*
Into the valley of Death
      Rode the six hundred.

Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon in front of them
      Volley'd and thunder'd;
Storm'd at with shot and shell,
Boldly they rode and well,
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of Hell
      Rode the six hundred.

Flash'd all their sabres bare,
Flash'd as they turn'd in air
Sabring the gunners there,
Charging an army, while
      All the world wonder'd:
Plunged in the battery-smoke
Right thro' the line they broke;
Cossack and Russian
Reel'd from the sabre-stroke
      Shatter'd and sunder'd.
Then they rode back, but not
      Not the six hundred.

Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon behind them
      Volley'd and thunder'd;
Storm'd at with shot and shell,
While horse and hero fell,
They that had fought so well
Came thro' the jaws of Death,
Back from the mouth of Hell,
All that was left of them,
      Left of six hundred.

When can their glory fade?
O the wild charge they made!
      All the world wonder'd.
Honour the charge they made!
Honour the Light Brigade,
      Noble six hundred!

-Lord Tennyson


----------



## chrisf (18 Jan 2005)

It's always easier to ask forgiveness then permission...

And Karl, it's not our job to die for our country. It's our job to make the enemy die for their's.


----------



## Cliffy433 (18 Jan 2005)

I was a VERY junior PRes Cpl on work-up training for ROTO 7, and my Reg F Amb Team/Coy Medic partner and supervising MCpl asked me to make a decision on some matter...

I said, "Why are you asking me? You're the one with the leaf!"

"What?  That?  That's not a leaf!" says he pointing to the rank on his arm.

"Then what is it?" I query.

"That's the scar from my surgery!"

"What surgery?"

"It's from when I got my spine removed in Gagetown!"

Ahhhh, God bless the Newfie Reality Check.  Now that I'm a Snr MCpl, and have a copy of the Principles of Leadership in front of me - it's even funnier.

All for now...


----------



## HollywoodHitman (18 Jan 2005)

Unless specifically prohibited, 'Screw it! Let's do it!!!'


----------



## mainerjohnthomas (20 Feb 2005)

The three most memorable quotes from my time in ranks are as follows:
Mcpl Koskinen to recruit private during parade inspection"Are you watching me private, do you find me attractive?"  For the record, this was a favorite of several of our (male and average female NCO's), but Mcpl Koskinen was an extremely attractive blond, the paralyzed private stammered out "A stone fox master-corporal"  after the entire parade square collapsed in laughter, we did many, many pushups.

While piling out of a collection of taxis returning to base after a hard post exercise night on the town, one of my fellow signalman found himself face to face with an equally inebriated Captain(in civvies) who slurred out "Salute me, I'm an officer" to which Miles replied "eat me, I'm a cookie".

During one frustrating round of instruction with one of our less mathematically inclined soldiers our course NCO instructed him upon his return to barracks to "Write a big thank you to your mother, who got a good look at you in the hospital, but took you home anyway".


----------



## Quiet Riot (20 Feb 2005)

conversation between a sgt and a course candidate.
sgt=pte.bloggins bend over and put your head between your legs
bloggins bends over
sgt=now stand up and make a pop
bloggins= (stands up) Pop!
sgt= that's the sound of your head coming outta your ass, lets keep it that way!


----------



## CH1 (20 Feb 2005)

Beautiful starry night on a defensive position, on the top of a sandy hill. Every one is relaxed but vigilant.  C2 guards the goat trail on backside of hill.  The sound of the C2 breaks the serenity, emptying a mag, then the challenge "Who went there?"

This from the lighter side of Shilo.


----------



## c4th (21 Feb 2005)

Written by a MCpl on a QL2 Crse report circa 1994:

"Solider *** should be employed as a figure 11 target on a small arms range"

Crse commander made him remove it.


----------



## JBP (21 Feb 2005)

A GREAT one from a recruiting Sgt and 2i/c of PAT Pltn of the Linc's+Winks. 

"What? WHAT??? Did you just speak? GET TO ATTENTION when you talk to me! If I wanted your f*cking opinion I'd GIVE IT TO YOU Private!!! As for the rest of you, I'd like to dismiss the notion that the army is a democratically run organization..."

I almost sh*t myself when he said that! It was sooooo funny but SOOO true!!!

Another one from my RHLI Section Commander Sgt:

"You bunch of loosers look like sh*t! Your worth nothing to me right now, useless! Your like a bunch of poopy-flavoured lolly pops, fuc*ing useless!"... In regards to our drill performance on our first PO check...

Lol...


----------



## Queens Hussar (21 Feb 2005)

RoyalHighlandFusilier said:
			
		

> It must be something very memorable as in it was very funny, absurd, etc during your military career.
> 
> Keep it short and sweet. Also, no names, unless the person being quoted doesn't mind.
> 
> ...




(Remarks with sexually connotations removed by Moderator)


----------



## redleafjumper (22 Feb 2005)

A favorite of a Lt (now Major) that I worked with:  "The bullets ain't flying and nobody's dying."

"You guys look like three privates with a leave pass" (Where do you wanna go, I dunno, what do you wanna do...)

"You have three minutes, soak, soap, rinse and out!"

"You're about as dangerous as a second lieutenant with a compass."

"Why did you not stop at the booth for the critique of your exit private?"  "Uh, no particular reason sergeant!"
"OK, then give me 25 push-ups for no particular reason."


----------



## Danjanou (22 Feb 2005)

Redleaf, remember the orientation training in M Coy.  

M/Cpl running us through 84mm refresher training:

"Baby carriage with crying infant at 300m....engage"


----------



## c_canuk (22 Feb 2005)

pte Bloggs... I have identified your problem, you have these big ___ feet and they are always in your mouth!"


----------



## Pte. Bloggins (22 Feb 2005)

Kingston. CFSCE. My 3s.

Instructor upset because troops were fooling around in classroom. Meant to express his dissatissfaction at this, as well as give us considerable warning as to what would happen if this ever occured again. 

What he meant to say was "jerking around."

What he actually said was "IF I EVER FIND ANYONE ELSE JERKING OFF IN THE CLASSROOM AGAIN..."


Sign which I noticed in one of the classes, and always found very amusing:

Are you bored? Looking for new friends? Recognition? Excitement? a change of pace?
Then, go ahead! Lose a classified document!


Heard over the radio on 3s field ex:
All stations this is monitor, do not answer, there will be no more urination in your dets, anyone caught doing so definetely will have concequences to pay. Out. 

Ah, sig op humour.


----------



## BernDawg (22 Feb 2005)

I heard another one from the franco crse warrant in Gagetown of urban legend fame.

"You troops tink you sweat now... I make you SWEATER!!

And a couple that I've heard on ex.

"55 this is 55c fast air is over my position nnnnnnnnnow, over"

"55e this is 55, send locstat over"
"55,55e umm er it's all flat on the map over" (said call sign was lost in the badlands in Wainwright)

I used this one on a taller soldier on my a pre-ISCC during an inspection.
"Look at your F****n' boots - Ha,There's lint on your beret!"
Although I don't think I can take credit for using it first.


----------



## PPCLI MCpl (24 Feb 2005)

Sometimes I feel like a spent casing on the range of life....


----------



## mainerjohnthomas (24 Feb 2005)

While making conversation supervising our PT early in basic the course WO was talking to one of the attractive female recriuts
"So private ******, how many of these bucks have asked to marry you?"
a perky voice chirped up "None Warrant!"
a floored WO muttered in disgust "Good god, its finally happened, they're ALL gay!"


----------



## from darkness lite (24 Feb 2005)

I love this one - have no idea if its true or not.   Back in the mid-80's while I was attending PPCLI Battle School this story went through my platoon...

During the Platoon Warrants inspection the WO stopped in front of one of the troops and pointed his pacestick into the Pte's chest and said "There's a piece of sh*t at the end of this stick troop!!"   To which the very ballsy Pte said "Not at my end Warrant!!"

The WO left immediately, apparently trying really hard not to laugh.

True or not, I loved it.

Cheers


----------



## chrisf (25 Feb 2005)

A few personal favorites of mine...

Heard during a first aid class...

"What's so funny about carpet burns? I get them all the time..."

While standing sentry with nothing more then C7s..

"Hey, how do I stop a LAV?"
"Um... politely?"

During an NBCD class...

"How do you check the seal on your gas mask?"
"Um... you make a sucking motion?"


(Remarks with sexually connotations removed by Moderator)


----------



## Gouki (25 Feb 2005)

from some recruit on my res. BMQ:

recruit: So, if the bolt is partially forward, do I just keep trying to fire it until it clears?"

---

(when on the range during a break with same recruit)

recruit (talking to myself and the other recruit next to her): So the firing pin strikes the middle of the back of the bullet?
me: pretty much
recruit: I wonder how much pressure it needs? (at this point she actually has a _live_ round in her hand and is hoisting it up and about to slam it on the stock of the C7)
me and the other recruit: WHAT THE HELL 

I really wish I was joking about that. I understand that a lot of people are clueless about firearms - but wtf is wrong with someone when they think slamming the P. cap of a live round against a hard surface is a great thing to do?

---

My all time favourite is when we were doing drill outside in the parking lot. We had a box formation around our drill instructor who was showing us the different ways of saluting etc. When we were standing at attention, one recruit kept visably staring at some other guy on the other side .. like, twisting his head and everything. The instructor, a former member of the Airborne Regt. basically ran up to his face and yelled

"Why do you keep staring at him!? Are you gay?? Do you want to HUMP him!?"

At least 10 or 11 people, myself included, tried to not laugh without much luck and some chuckles got through. He wasn't happy ..


----------



## SprCForr (26 Feb 2005)

Scotty Nicholson to Spr Morin (of the Carpiquet Barracks bombing fame) after returning from AWOL (30 days in Amsterdam) prior to going to jail: ..."The cat is too old to be fu**ed by the kitten..."

In pre-PC days on the pde sq in CFRC Cornwallis. Our backs were turned to a female (Gold) Pl doing drill a ways off. Our Sgt was doing some checking so it was fairly quiet and the other DS could be heard clearly. The females were being taught to stand to attention and he was very obviously not happy and was getting more cranky by the minute, when it was heard clearly..."I don't know what your fu**ing problem is with this movement! We will do it again and this time I want to hear 40 c**ts sucking wind!..." 

Tp WO during a briefing: "...and I want every swinging dick in this troop to..." 
"Uhh, WO? we have two females now."
"As i was saying, I want every swinging dick and both love buttons in this troop to..."

Two Cpls in Tp Stores talking about an unsatisfactory Sapper: "That fu**ing guy is a disease. We should kill it before it spreads"

During 84mm trg it was stressed that the Carl G. round was very sensitive because of its fuzing. Especially misfires as the round could function at any moment and were we to be very gentle with it if we had to unload. Later while practicing the drills, as you are aware, the number 2 is to repeat what the number 1 says. As the drill for a misfire progressed the following was heard.

#1: "Misfire! unload!"
#2: "Misfire! unload the damn thing yourself! I aint touching it!"

the instr was not amused. 300 push ups later, Sapper X stopped being a comedian and carried out the drills properly. Trouble is every time I had to do the drill or heard it being done since that time I always heard him in my mind saying "unload the damn thing yourself! I aint touching it!". lol

Kit layout inspection: "The Mk 1 mod 0 eyeball is the least properly used instrument you possess!"

About fellow students on course: "That fu**ing guy is a waste of rations (or oxygen, or skin, pick one)"


----------



## Kat Stevens (26 Feb 2005)

Remember Morin's excuse for bugging out?  " WO Nicholson told me to fu*k off, so I did."  Priceless

CHIMO,  Kat


----------



## Spr.Earl (26 Feb 2005)

Kat what ever happned to Scotty?

Onother W.O. Smith.

The first time I met Joe Smith.
"I'm Joe Smith and I'm a Jew"
All's I said "Thats nice and I'm Catholic" and he roard and we became the best of friends ah those were the day's when I was Bummy's Bum Boy and we had a real Army with out all the P.C. Crap and excepted what we humans are like and we are still the same.


----------



## Steel Badger (26 Feb 2005)

MP 00161 said:
			
		

> Anti-freeze=slang for alcohol.
> 
> MP Urban Legend, usually told along the lines of a young MP receiving a polite reprimand for disregarding protocol from a non-MP who is of higher rank, followed by the following as a rebuttal:
> 
> "Sir, don't confuse your rank with my authority..."



And..of course, when said provost decides that his position allows him to determine field tactics / dress and deportment ...or just generally throw his / her / its weight about.....

"Don't confuse your authority for my rank"..


----------



## RatCatcher (26 Feb 2005)

The one that keeps comming to mind for me is my JLC/JNCO in Pet back in 1998, our Pl WO was an ex-jump gunner and obviously wasn't good with computers. His quote for all problems: "That is BADDDDDD DATA!" 

And nobody from that year can forget the good ol' CSM of Leadership Coy.... if you had glasses...."listen here f******* goggles...."


----------



## Thompson_JM (27 Feb 2005)

on my 3's in borden we had a couple good lines, 

on maintaining the MLVW Winch. "and remember when your cable gets dirty, to properly clean it you just run it through a greasy box"

on the proper way to DI an HLVW

"Remeber to give your moving parts a good physical Tug"

aahhh CFSAL.....


----------



## Bomber (27 Feb 2005)

"I'm not going to flog a horse to death"  By far the best when someone tries to say it, but it is their first time, so it comes out a little screwed.


----------



## SuperTrooper (28 Feb 2005)

My favorite to the troops, always in a funny sarcastic way

you'll be busier then a one legged man in a a$$ kicking compition.

you'll be busier then a whore on nickel night

I can not believe that you were the fastest sperm to make it

you are the poster boy for a condom add, stop unwanted pregnancy's

your a meatrocket

are you meat gazing me troop?

come here you little turd burglar

Sgt V


----------



## foerestedwarrior (1 Mar 2005)

While lying under a LSVW on my DrvWhl. "and remember, if your nipples get dirty, just grease them up" ;D


----------



## oneill (1 Mar 2005)

Sgt O`Neill at ATR(p)  UK 
   
   Son you are drawing wages under false pretenses.

    Hay if you take those ear phones out you might forget when to breath in and out?

    Look mum I'm the only one in step.

When god was giving out brains, you thought he said trains, and asked for a slow one?

son Ive played rugby for thirty years, what made you so ugly?


Tomorrow you will master this task, but then again tomorrow never comes.

Enthusiasm, Guts, Determinationyou, are all the things you need to complete this course, and unfortunately. you have none.

 Death is Gods way of saying you have FAILED.

If you are looking for sympathy, You will find it in between. Shit and syphilis.

The last time i saw anything that ugly. it had 2 Heads.


----------



## Fraser.g (1 Mar 2005)

OK Helmet on...check
Cam paint applied...check


In the land before yesterday and SHARP a young Cpl (me) was practicing a change of command parade under the tutelage of a certain CSM. The practice was not going well according to this ex regular force Snr NCO and he was becoming more frustrated by the minute.

Then all of a sudden he yelled "STOP!"
We all froze as would be expected. He covered the distance between his position and the first rank in about two or three steps. (He was over 6' 5'') and halted in front of the Pte beside me so that there was about two inches between them.
In a forced whisper he told the young troop "If you don't stop wiggling around like a rubber Fu*k Doll I am going to treat you like a rubber F*cK Doll"

The rest of the practice went well.

More to follow over


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## Cliffy433 (1 Mar 2005)

OK, as RN PRN mentioned in the "War Stories" thread, I had a stellar, albeit "unique" Sect Comd on my QL2.  And, many of his quotes are memorable.  One day, while marching back fr the Pde Square to Tent City in WATC Wainwright, he said:
"Press down on your thumbs!  Bends out of the elbows!  Chests out!  Necks back in your collars!  Look up, look proud!   When you go home your mom and dad won't recognize you when you say, *'Mom, pass the f***ing potatoes!'*"

Or, a member of the FGH a good friend from both my QL2 and JLC/JNCO in WATC, was one of the first unfortunate souls on our JLC to march the crse back to shacks from the classroom.  As he corrected, the DS corrected him, mostly about volume, but once, my buddy's voice cracked...

DS: *Cpl *******, do you wear women's underwear?*

and without missing step, with nary a pause, quick like mercury sliding down a lightning bolt came the reply

Cpl *******: *Not while on course, Sgt!*

tlm.


----------



## Big Foot (1 Mar 2005)

I'm surprised this one hasn't come up yet: "Sweating like a pedophile in a playground"


----------



## Bruce Monkhouse (2 Mar 2005)

"All he gets is boots and uppercuts"


----------



## Slim (2 Mar 2005)

Can the DS still swear...or do we hurt the poor troopies feelings too much now by doing that?


----------



## SHELLDRAKE!! (2 Mar 2005)

Unfortunately these famous one liners are a thing of the past(atleast in the regs), instructors now a days face severe reprimands if they refer to a persons race,sexual preference or even so much as to use a swear word in a joking context.The instructors actually are at the mercy of the recruits because typically if a recruit says they were offended by something said by an instructor, that generates an investigation immediately.Atleast we have the senile RSM stories left to tell. ;D


----------



## Slim (2 Mar 2005)

SHELLDRAKE!! said:
			
		

> Unfortunately these famous one liners are a thing of the past(atleast in the regs), instructors now a days face severe reprimands if they refer to a persons race,sexual preference or even so much as to use a swear word in a joking context.The instructors actually are at the mercy of the recruits because typically if a recruit says they were offended by something said by an instructor, that generates an investigation immediately.Atleast we have the senile RSM stories left to tell. ;D



What a way to train a military...And I'll tell you what. The reputation of the Cdn Forces as a well-trained army is going to become a thing of the past if this PC garbage keeps up!

Does anyone else see anything wrong with that?


----------



## marlene (2 Mar 2005)

A very sore point with me so I'll rant away.  This PC crap has gone way too far. It's very unfortunate. It's gotten to the point where at times I have been a part of or have witnessed incidents where people are having to be so hyper vigilant of what they say that it makes it difficult to concentrate on the job at hand. Much of the light hearted aspects and/or teasing has disappeared from the workplace. (p.s. this is in a civilian environment). As usual however, it's generally a few people who ruin it for many. Lighten up! There's my two cents worth. 

merlane


----------



## Highland Laddie (2 Mar 2005)

Imagine platoon / company of troops who really ****ed up formed up on the parade square.

CSM halts in front of the body of troops, starts a devilish grin, holds out left hand like he is feeling for rain drops, and says:

"Forecast calls for pain troops. Forecast calls for pain..."


----------



## Line Staff (2 Mar 2005)

I don't remember where i heard it first, but when I saw a formation marching down the sidewalk, I recently had the opportunity to use:

"Get back on the road! Sidewalks are for pedestrians!"

Through


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## SprCForr (2 Mar 2005)

Words of command are lost on brand-new, stepped off the bus 5 minutes ago recruits. I heard a Patricia Sgt say this to an AC/NC mob on the move in '00 here at WATC:

"Listen closely troops, here it comes...Hippity hop, mob STOP!" 

They managed to sort of stop together.


----------



## Island Ryhno (2 Mar 2005)

At a remebrance day ceremony, the whole platoon is at attention in the utmost of silence, WO is in front back on to the troop facing the epitaph, a command is barked and the platoon stands at ease! The WO turns and is the colour of a rare steak with anger, turns out the "command" was a dog barking  ;D.

On QL2, you f*ckers better move with a sense of urgency, all I want to see are elbows and a$$holes going down range.

Also on QL2, a Pte who eventually dropped off the course: We were doing evening cleaning, getting ready for the morning inspection when the DS comes roaring into our barracks screaming to get at attention in front of our bunks. Said privates bunk is directly across from mine. While getting screamed at like B*tches and standing ramrod straight out of Pte's fly is sticking a pink J cloth that he had stuffed there in haste to stand at attention. I actually cried from laughing and when the DS found out what I was cracking over left the barracks rolling, not to return until the next morning.


----------



## Spooks (2 Mar 2005)

First forming up outside in BIQ. Marching NCO:
"For all of you who don't know me, I am MCpl *****. I will tell you now, I swear a lot. So, if it bothers you come to attention, fall out, come up to me and say 'MCpl, I have a problem with your swearing'. I'll then tell you to f*** off and get back in ranks"

During inspection, guy across from me had a tornado of a civy locker and it happened to be a civy locker inspection. Section Cmdr:
J**** C****, _<name>_, what the hell happened in here? Let me do you a favor a save the only thing still intact" (he then uses his pay stick to extract the bottle of liquid Tide from the locker and put it on the recruit's bed)

I installing some neon lights in my civy locker to aide in ilumination when I came back on the weekends. When found, the Sgt said my locker "looks like a Croatian Discoteche" 

During course officer's lecture on regimental history, the pop question of 'who is the founder of the regiment?' was asked and then he chose someone in the class at random. After some humming and hawing on part of the recruit, the officer piped up: "Rhymes with Hamilton Gault" Now whenever I ask someone a question and am too much in a hurry to wait for the answer, I'll add "rhymes with <correct answer>"



When marching to lunch, the (same) Mcpl saw a Mo coming up to the MIR while he was on his PLQ course. The speech we got (while approaching or right beside the guy was): Look at him, boys. That is a face of pain. He must be hurting real bad - maybe a twisted ankle, or sore foot. That is the sort of soldier you should be, boys. I wonder if his wife brags about him being in the army. Does she get together with her friends and state 'My husband is in the army. He drives a bus for a living' (no offense meant to Mo's or Busdrivers, but it was ammusing nonetheless)

and though it was said before, during a C9 lesson we received the fire order: Rang 300m, school bus full of taliban children. On your own time, fire.

My single ruble
-Spooks



(Remarks with overt sexually connotations removed by Moderator)


----------



## ELP441 (2 Mar 2005)

I worked for a Sgt who once said "I was in Baghdad, when you were in your Dad's bag!!!" 

He also had names for some of the different trades, like Egg Welder (Cook), Cloud Clerk (Met Tech). He was quite the character, but an excellent Supervisor.


Cheers!
ELP441 (formerly 011)


----------



## WATCHDOG-81 (2 Mar 2005)

There was a 22e Sgt in Chilliwack in 1989 whom I overheard tell his platoon "You peoples think that I know F*** nothing.  But let me tell you, I know f***all."

Then of course there was the franco WO instructing first aid and made up words that he did not know.  During CPR he instructed us to give "insfillations" (breaths) and "russifications" (chest compressions).


----------



## mainerjohnthomas (2 Mar 2005)

One of our more colourful WO's during basic drill was heard to remark after a really shaky platoon halt
"By Christ if I hear that Polish machinegun one more F***ing time, I'm going to return fire!"


----------



## Danjanou (3 Mar 2005)

Island Ryhno 

Who was the Warrant?

PM me.


----------



## ELP441 (3 Mar 2005)

We had a french Sgt in RCD BSqn 2 Troop in Germany, who liked to state that "the more peanut butter you h'eat, the less 'ungry you become".


Cheers!
ELP441


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## Slim (3 Mar 2005)

I remember while doing the light track portion of my recce crewman course in Gagetown in '90 we had a french sgt instructor who would crew command our vehicle while we were learing to drive the Lynx/113/577/548.

To this day I cannot remember ever being able to understand anything that he said to us, whether in the classroom or on the vehicle's IC, except the words "I am a French guy..." ???

Made for an interesting course...

Slim


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## Acorn (3 Mar 2005)

I was in uniform when most of you kids were in liquid form.

Acorn


----------



## Slim (4 Mar 2005)

Good one Acorn...

Here's another from the past

Student somehow screws up.

DS: "Well done clown...If you were orange you'de be a traffic cone"


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## arty4life392 (4 Mar 2005)

One of the most memorable quotes for me had to be when i was in Kingston and a Fusilier I was working with said "An Ambush is killing and killing is fun "   at that point everyone in the room just stoped where they were to respond but who can respond to that when it just comes out of nowhere?


Pride is not fighting for your country but to be fearless in dying for your country :bullet:


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## SprCForr (4 Mar 2005)

Another,

"How much time in you got? Don't look at your watch."


----------



## Island Ryhno (4 Mar 2005)

"I can't call cadence on you, you march like Gumby" That was a snorter  ;D


----------



## arty4life392 (4 Mar 2005)

we were in the middle of the meaf and were filling trenches at the end of the defensive and my buddy came up to me in the middle of the biv site and said "Sargent told me to find the T.V. room" that was priceless

   :bullet: Pride is not fighting for your country but to be fearless in dying for your country :bullet:


----------



## canadiancarebear (5 Mar 2005)

Basic Training Officer style Quotes

1.  SGT to a candidate who screwed up in drill class...  "You've been smoking on the business end of a crack pipe"
2.  SGT to entire platoon "Pushups are not a punishment they are a gift from me to you, and right now i would like to give you all a gift."

and don't worry they still swore at us plenty...mostly in french though.


----------



## TheCheez (5 Mar 2005)

canadiancarebear said:
			
		

> 2.  SGT to entire platoon "Pushups are not a punishment they are a gift from me to you, and right now i would like to give you all a gift."



I know that Sgt! He was one of our faves and produced several "<name here>isms"


----------



## The_Falcon (6 Mar 2005)

A cpl from 3 RCR para (who was RSS for the queens own rifles from 00-04) was very fond of using Full Metal Jacket quotes, just coming from him they were funny. He also had a knack for making his own funny punishment lines
Cpl:  Troop if you don't stop pissing me off, I am going to staple your eyelids to your forehead, and kick you in the b@ll$ until you blink!

Also at cac this past summer a rather dim witted troop came to our CQ to get grid squares.  We all did a double take (including the Coy 2ic and CSM) and started laughing our asses off when we realized this kid was being serious (wonder how he passed his nav class).


----------



## ZipperHead (6 Mar 2005)

From Cornwallis:

"If brains were gasoline, you wouldn't have enough to power a motorcycle around the inside of a Cheerio."

"You have a head like a Lapplanders foreskin." (I remember that one distinctly, because my mom's family is from Lappland)

Al


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## oneill (6 Mar 2005)

Sgt O`Neill       ATR(p).
Wellcome to the drill square children, and for all you star trek fans you will travel no less than warp factor 7.
( troop will retire)


----------



## MrGnr27 (7 Mar 2005)

I HAVE to toss one in here..........

RCD Trooper to another Trooper in Petawawa ( morning PT at the gym )......

   " Drop and give me two....or as many as you can do ! "

( I laughed all the way through PT ! )


----------



## George Wallace (7 Mar 2005)

MrGnr27 said:
			
		

> I HAVE to toss one in here..........
> 
> RCD Trooper to another Trooper in Petawawa ( morning PT at the gym )......
> 
> ...



Sounds like Johnny Green


----------



## -rb (7 Mar 2005)

Said to someone(me) trying to gain muscle mass during a PT session...

"You wanna see progress? ...Buy a smaller shirt!!!"


----------



## Razic (7 Mar 2005)

In response to a dirty KFS inspection.

"Pvt. so and so, is that your KFS or your goddamned bum cleaner?"


----------



## oneill (8 Mar 2005)

This was left for me by the sergeant i replaced.

                                                  INSTRUCTOR 25:17


                                    The path of the righteous Crow is beset
                                   on all sides, by the inequities of the selfish,
                                           And tyranny of evil CROW.
                                  Blessed is he, who in the name of weapon
                                  handling and good map reading. shepherds
                                  the weak through the CM SR of darkness,
                                  for he is truly a "SECTION COMMANDER"
                                  and the finder of lost bungees, and i will 
                              strike down upon thee with great foot drill and 
                               furious change steps,those who attempt to 
                            buck and beat the system, and you will know your
                                        name is CROW. when i lay my
                                              pacestick upon thee.       .


----------



## Marderwpg (8 Mar 2005)

Heard on a Drill Square practicing for the Lilifontain Parade:

RSM:  "If you people cant tie a tie... (he ripped his tie off) go buy a CLIP ON LIKE MINE" !!!

I am sure every jaw in the regiment dropped to the ground and bounced......


Heard in the same Era:

SSM:  I don't care if you people can't do drill.  I can stay here all night.  My wife and kids hate me so I have no place to go.. I can stay here all night........

George... you might remember those occasions

Memories... 

Marderwpg


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## career_radio-checker (11 Apr 2005)

Remember those crazy sayings your instructors used to blurt out on BMQ, SQ? 

You'd be at attention during morning inspection and the MCpl would say:

"Holly s**t troop! Your bed's got more wrinkles than my ass after I step out the bath tub!" or
"There's a pubic hair on your pillow. Why is there a pube hair on your pillow?!!! Are you shaving your pubes?!!!" or
"Who decided to leave a Brown Betty but forgot to flush!!!"

You know you are being jacked up but your too busy bitting your lips -- preventing you from bursting out laughing. 

Please share your most memoral sayings. I did a google search but found nothing


----------



## Trinity (11 Apr 2005)

I'm going to hi-jack this thread.

The BEST sayings I ever heard were from Sgt. Major Leclair, RCR, Battleschool in Petawawa

That man has to be known CF wide.  Any Leclair stories would be classic.

I.... fear the man so much, I'm not typing them out!!!
(and.. they're pretty obscene!)


----------



## backinblack (11 Apr 2005)

CFRS Cornwallis 8824 7 Platoon -


RCR MCpl (No-names-no-pack-drill):  "Preston!!!"

Me:  "Yes, Master Corporal!"

RCR MCpl:  "Where did me and your mother ever go wrong!!?"


 ;D  LOL!


----------



## backinblack (11 Apr 2005)

CFRS Cornwallis 8824 7 Platoon -


Said to a recruit in 3 squad who shall remain nameless:

"LORD TUNDRIN...    Lad - I've seen skid marks before, but THIS looks like a NINE-CAR PILEUP!!!!


 >


----------



## aesop081 (11 Apr 2005)

Trinity said:
			
		

> I'm going to hi-jack this thread.
> 
> The BEST sayings I ever heard were from Sgt. Major Leclair, RCR, Battleschool in Petawawa
> 
> ...



Holy crapy, i havent heard that name in a long time..

I remember one day he was talking about something or other and mid sentence he forgot what he was talking about....his lips were going up and down and just , out of the blue , started to go on about hair cuts !!

He was the poster child for alzeimer's !!

Sorry for the hijack


----------



## Highland Lad (11 Apr 2005)

This may not exactly match the thread title, but I remember one memorable jacking-up... 

The other instructors and I had gone out the evening before for a few beverages... I was the crse duty wog the next AM, so I called it quits fairly early. Others continued until the wee hours.

Morning rolls around, and one of the other sec comds and I are conducting AM inspection, and he's really getting into one of the candidates for uniform issues - within six inches of his face, using his 'instructor voice' and going on about the issues and what will be done to resolve them.

Finally, the Sec Comd asks the candidate "Do you have any questions, Pte XXXXX?"

The candidate blinks, and says "Canadian, Master Corporal?"

Thank God the inspection was basically over at that point! I managed to make it out the door without killing myself with laughter, and was (rightly) part of the receiving end of a lecture on deportment from the Crse O.

I will say, though, that the instructors on that course were very careful to check each other over very thoroughly before morning inspections after that!


----------



## Trinity (11 Apr 2005)

Intelligere said:
			
		

> "How far are you from a COMPLETE IDIOT, Atkins?"
> 
> "About six inches, sergeant."



Reminds me of when we were filling in our trenches on JLC in 98... the
trench has to be 6 inches higher/full of dirt.. cause it will settle and leave
a small ditch..

now.. we all know you can't fill it up properly.. but..

Sgt. comes by...  Hey, do either of you have girlfriends?

A.  um. Yes.

Sgt.  Well you must by lying to them, cause judging by the extra dirt you
put on top of your trench, you sure as hell can't tell what 6 inches is...


----------



## backinblack (11 Apr 2005)

Army "urban legend" from way back...


During Parade inspection, RSM halts in front of a soldier, turns to face him, and pokes his pacestick into the soldier's chest:

RSM:  "Soldier - do you know what's on the end of this stick?"

Soldier:  "No Sir!"

RSM:  "There's s**t on the end of this stick!!!"

Soldier:  "Not on this end, Sir!"

RSM:  "Good Answer!  Carry on... "


----------



## Sappo (11 Apr 2005)

oh boy... yours are much better than mine... but its one of those things i think, when formed up during inspection or what have you... that any remark the least bit funny will send at least one or two people chuckling down the line.


one of the best thus far for me was during inspection, our lt. decided to do it as opposed to mcpl or sgt...... he's doing 4 sec infront of me, and yanks a pen from a pvt's pocket.. obviously unimpressed it was exposed.

lt: pvt have you ever seen a wee pen?

pvt: a wee pen sir?

lt: WEEEEE! (as he tosses the pen over his shoulder into the air)

now it might not seem very funny here, but man it make half out platoon crack up on the spot.


i've heard various remarks while doing things, usually a course cpl or mcpl...

cpl: you people move like old people fuck!

cpl: you people are slower than the second coming of christ!


we had a good sgt give us a lecture on hygeine in the field... his favorite remark was 

"if you are _____ you are dead"

usually it related to dirty, unclean... etc.

he made sure to tell us if we were in the field with him, and unwashed he would make sure we were dead 



i'm sure I have more, can't think of them right now


----------



## Trinity (11 Apr 2005)

I love WEE pens...

I used that a few times... but you can't just indescrimanetly throw them.

We had a cpl rip apart someones webbing cause it was only attached by the 
velcro.  As she was tossing the webbing bits out the mod tent, she hit the guy
standing at the end like 3 times before she realized it. 

She could have got in alot of trouble... but the recruit didn't care he was
hit with a mag pouch ... it didn't hurt.  

And.. as much as i want to.. I still dont' have the guts to tell any CSM LeClair stories,
though I hear he's a Capt. now with a CIC unit.

Run kids.. RUN


----------



## leopard11 (11 Apr 2005)

heard a sergeant a meaford use this on a Pte....

"Holy shit Private, what is it that you dont understand , do you want me to write it on my P***s (part of the male anatomy if u dont get it) and F**k it into you!"


----------



## career_radio-checker (11 Apr 2005)

One of my BMQ MCpls was parading us around during lunch hour because we had been late for our timmings. Thing was, he was getting over a nasty throat infection and his voice was cracking like a 13 yr old choir boy.   

We were supposed to get the full nine-yards of the pacing stick up our hiney-holes but we couldn't stop howling every time the MCpl called a command in his Mickey voice.


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## Sappo (11 Apr 2005)

ya... throat colds are always good times...

cpl: i can stand here yelling out drill ALL night troops!


5 minutes later, while yelling out a command his voice just gives out and a squeek comes out.

best thing you've ever heard


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## dutchie (11 Apr 2005)

I love these good one-liners as much as the next guy (or girl), but I noticed some of them are right out of famous movies. 

Nothing makes an instructor look like a bigger tool than quoting from a war movie. Movie quotes are for recruits to recite over beers in JD's or over a tin of Kiwi polish while getting ready for tomorrows inspection. So if your gonna use these, make sure it's not from a movie.

But keep em' comin! The one about 'fu**ing it into ya' brought back some memories from basic. Ah, Wainwright......

 :warstory:

During inspection, our Section Cdr would (of course) find some piece of dirt, water, etc and would lose it on the nearest unlucky SOB, and it was always the most distgusting thing he had ever seen.....

Instructor tips canteen upside down, and a dribble of water comes out and hits floor." What the f*ck is that Bloggins?" "It's water MCpl!" "Water left OVERNIGHT in your canteen? That is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen! No beer for this Section this weekend!"


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## BDG.CalgHighrs (11 Apr 2005)

Best thing about on-course c*ck is coming up with suitabley smart answers that land your whole section with 'remedial training'.


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## Jonny Boy (11 Apr 2005)

i don't care what anyone says. so far the best jacking up of soldiers i have ever seen is on full metal jacket. i know it is just a movie but the gunnery SGT did not have a script. he made it all up as he went.

i cant wait to join the military. than i may have some good ones that i will hear.


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## Sappo (11 Apr 2005)

yea... in an interview with hartman he said he didnt even know what a reacharound was at the time, but figured it fit pretty good


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## Jonny Boy (11 Apr 2005)

lol

i just love how they picked the spokesman for the Young marines for the part. i went to camp last summer with a guy from the young marines that knew him


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## Pte. Bloggins (12 Apr 2005)

Anyone who was on my BMQ/SQ will remember this, as it was one of THE course stories that everyone enjoyed telling.

RSM inspection. The RSM's inspecting the token Russian troop on our course, and, on opening up the butt of his rifle, demands to know the whereabouts of said rifle's cleaning kit. The exchange went something like this:

RSM: Pte. ******, where is your cleaning kit?

Pte: In the butt of my rifle sir!

RSM: No, it's not here.

Pte: (now, you have to picture this with the ultimate Russian accent): That's impossible!

All the instructors' mouths dropped open in unison...


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## chrisf (12 Apr 2005)

If it's the Russian fellow I'm thinking about, pretty much everyone in the comm-res has heard at least one story about him...


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## atticus (12 Apr 2005)

That reminds me of a russian on my SQ. It was during the winter and he was a little bit late getting to the armouries to go. So when we got to the training area he was called to go see the RSM (this wasn't the first time he was late) and he decided to show them all what he did to save time: off go his combat pants to the horror of everybody who could see only to find that he was still wearing civie clothes underneath. 

Here's another from basic:

Sgt (after finding somekind of medical cream): Pte, do you have herpes or something?
Pte: Yes, Sgt.
Sgt: What?
Pte: My mom was a whore before I was born Sgt.

That was then the end of the inspection for that area of the room.


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## Franko (12 Apr 2005)

Ahhhh.....CSM LeClair    ;D

Got one from a while back....

Lecturing the troops on JrNCO to pay attention to detail and to set the example.....

I noticed his right epaulete (old ODs) was flipped upside down     

Didn't have the heart to pick him up on it   

....he'd probably tear me a new one   

Regards


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## aesop081 (12 Apr 2005)

Franko said:
			
		

> Ahhhh.....CSM LeClair      ;D
> 
> Got one from a while back....
> 
> ...



Nah....he would be able to remember why he was about to jack you up any longer than the first or second word. he tried to shit on me for being late once and about mid-sentence he asked my why i was so damned early !!


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## Korus (12 Apr 2005)

Basic, a male recruit says something to a Sgt. I don't remember what it was. The response, however, was classic:

SGT: "Don't tell me how to do my job! I don't go down to the bus depot and kick c*cks out of your mouth, do I?"


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## childs56 (12 Apr 2005)

one summer in Shilo a Major and a Cpl passed pathes.

Major "excuse me their Cpl dont you beleive in saluting officers"

Cpl " sorry sir i thought you were only a Captain"


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## Lost_Warrior (12 Apr 2005)

I remember while learning drill during Basic, some people had a hard time standing still at attention.   We had a great RMR Mcpl who would say, and I quote, "Move again and i'll rip your f-ing arms off!"

I also remember one inspection where some recruit on my course forgot to put on his epiletts before inspection, so the sec commander doing the inspection said "Are you a general?   Am I supposed to Salute you?   Whats you're f-ing rank ""bloggins (replace bloggins with recruits name)""??    

Also, while having my rifle inspected, a mcpl turns and looks at me and says "it looks like a carbon party in the barrel and everyone's invited"   (classic)


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## X Royal (12 Apr 2005)

Trinity said:
			
		

> I'm going to hi-jack this thread.
> 
> The BEST sayings I ever heard were from Sgt. Major Leclair, RCR, Battleschool in Petawawa
> 
> ...



Give me a   break: "Eric ( every second word : F'n ) Leclair" maybe the only man in the Canadian Forces to be permanently posted to training positions because the brass thought the arctic tent fire was a attempt on his life ( actually an accident ). Came into the 1st Bn in 79   from Cornwallis and treated the soldiers like Cornwallis recruits. Lasted one year .
 We had an interesting reunion on my ISSC in 1988.

*Edited for spelling only*


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## meni0n (12 Apr 2005)

Just a Sig Op said:
			
		

> If it's the Russian fellow I'm thinking about, pretty much everyone in the comm-res has heard at least one story about him...




He was my roommate last summer on my 3s for a short while until they moved our room upstairs. Did you guys hear the stripper story yet? That guy's hilarious.


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## dc445 (12 Apr 2005)

meni0n said:
			
		

> He was my roommate last summer on my 3s for a short while until they moved our room upstairs. Did you guys hear the stripper story yet? That guy's hilarious.



Do go on..


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## chrisf (12 Apr 2005)

meni0n said:
			
		

> He was my roommate last summer on my 3s for a short while until they moved our room upstairs. Did you guys hear the stripper story yet? That guy's hilarious.



Definitly the same guy...


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## bubba (12 Apr 2005)

old leclair,had em as my platoon wo goin through battleschool.NEVER A DULL MOMENT,he called himself ikkebod and us guys were fuckin houseapes.started with 40 guys +- graduated with14 +-.no time out cards back in 85. :evil:


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## Lost_Warrior (12 Apr 2005)

What's a time out card?


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## Freddy Chef (12 Apr 2005)

â Å“You look like 10 pounds of sh** stuffed into a 5 pound bag, with a string tied around the middle!â ?



			
				Lost_Warrior said:
			
		

> What's a time out card?



A 'get-out-of-jail-free', PC type thingy?


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## DogOfWar (12 Apr 2005)

bubba said:
			
		

> old leclair,had em as my platoon wo goin through battleschool.NEVER A DULL MOMENT,he called himself ikkebod and us guys were fuckin houseapes.started with 40 guys +- graduated with14 +-.no time out cards back in 85. :evil:



 I hope that was a joke. There are no time out cards now either- that never happened anywhere- it was debunked years ago.


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## Pte. Bloggins (12 Apr 2005)

meni0n said:
			
		

> He was my roommate last summer on my 3s for a short while until they moved our room upstairs. Did you guys hear the stripper story yet? That guy's hilarious.



Yes, yes I did. I do recall it made it onto your guys' course t-shirt.


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## someguyincanada (12 Apr 2005)

Lost_Warrior said:
			
		

> What's a time out card?



I had them cards on my basic in 01, worst thing ever thought of, some of the horror stories i could tell...


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## meni0n (13 Apr 2005)

Sig Bloggins said:
			
		

> Yes, yes I did. I do recall it made it onto your guys' course t-shirt.



It did. I didn't appreciate being put as the driver of the bus image though.


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## Theoat (13 Apr 2005)

Wellsome from my BMQ/SQ were:

1)Mcpl: "Hoooly F*$ing Jeusus troops"

2) recruit to female Mcpl
Recruit: "Mcpl, why don't you ever curl your hair or do something else with it?"
Mcpl: "Would I look like a F*$#ing B*%ch if I had curly hair?"
Recruit: "No...*silence*....."

3) Sgt sayings:
1. Sgt: "Shut your cakeholes"
2. Sgt: "I'm sick of this Sh$t, Take your heads out of your rectums"
3. Sgt: "Sounds like barking prairie dogs" (when someone let a ripper go)

Room Inspections:
1) Cpl:"Don't you wash your soap private?"
Pte: "Yes Cpl (recruit had a shaved head"
Cpl: "Then what kind of hair is this on your soap" 
Room: "*Snickers all round*"
Cpl: "What the hell are you laughing at?" (Storms out of room trying to hold back laughter)

2)Situation: Dumb roomate tosses pen cap above cabinets, but ends up landing under his bed before Sgt's inspection.
Sgt: "There's a pen lid under this bed" *Sgt leaves*
Cpl/Mcpl: "Why is there a pen lid under your bed?"
Pte: "I lost it" *picks it up and puts it in his pocket*
Cpl: "Don't put your friend in your pocket.   Would your put Pte.____ and Pte ____ over here in your pocket?"
Pte: "No"
Cpl: "What is your friends name?"
Pte: "Cappi"
Cpl: "How do you spell his name?"
Pte: " C A P P I"
Cpl: "Well from now on you will carry your friend Cappi around everywhere you go and I don't want to see your friend in your pocket"
 Then the 2 instructors took turns for about 10 minutes walking in and out of the room as we yelled Room and went back and forth from attention to standing at ease.

3) Situation: Our section was given a rock about 8" x 5" in size and had a painted face on it and was named Mo Rally. This was to be our section moral booster so we had to carry it everywhere. Someone in another section went into a room and stole it and gave it to our section Mcpl. The next day the Mcpl asks for it and we made up an excuse as to why he couldn't see it as we bought time to find it or a way to replace it as we didn't know the whereabouts of it.
We ended up finding another smaller rock, painted it with cam. paint and named it Lil Mo. Next day room inspection.
Mcpl: "Where's my rock?"
Pte: "Here you go Mcpl"
Mcpl: "This isn't Mo rally. What happened to my rock?"
Pte A: "Well Mcpl, Mo rally died giving birth to Lil mo here so we buried HER"
Mcpl: "Is this true Pte. B?"
Pte: Yes Mcpl, He was....... (totally messed up our story since he refered to the rock as a HE)
Mcpl: "Hold on now, you said she gave birth....how can she give birth if you now say it's a HE?"
Pte C: "Mcpl, Pte. B is sexually confused. The other day he was asking us what a hamaphrodite was"
Mcpl: *walks up to Pte. B and looks him in the eye* "Is this true Pte. B?"
Pte B:"No Mcpl"
Mcpl: "I received information from a reliable source that Mo rally was stolen and is being held somewhere. Do you know who or what kind of person might possess the rock?"
Pte C: "One sick F$ck Mcpl"
Mcpl: *holds back grin as he is the one who had it*   "Really Pte C. One sick F$ck hey?"
Pte C: "Yes Mcpl"


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## GDawg (13 Apr 2005)

Sig Bloggins said:
			
		

> Yes, yes I did. I do recall it made it onto your guys' course t-shirt.



Comm Res is a cozy little world isn't it? 
Anyone else going on 0501 5's crse this summer?
I hope that particular Russian is gonna be on that one!

This reminded me of a story I heard at CFSCE, and I'm probably going to tell it wrong...

A young soldier was walking along on the grass near the parade square one day, and an RSM happens to spot this,
he leans out the window and yells, " For every step you take on that grass you owe me 10 pushups!"
So the soldier simply drops to the ground and rolls to safety and marches off.

Well, I laughed _my_ ass off the first time I heard it...


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## Tpr.Orange (13 Apr 2005)

GDawg said:
			
		

> Comm Res is a cozy little world isn't it?
> Anyone else going on 0501 5's crse this summer?
> I hope that particular Russian is gonna be on that one!
> 
> ...




HAHAHAHA now that one is great...


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## chriscalow (13 Apr 2005)

GDawg said:
			
		

> A young soldier was walking along on the grass near the parade square one day, and an RSM happens to spot this,
> he leans out the window and yells, " For every step you take on that grass you owe me 10 pushups!"
> So the soldier simply drops to the ground and rolls to safety and marches off.
> 
> Well, I laughed _my_ ass off the first time I heard it...



Coffee just sprayed out of nose ALL over screen when I pictured that.  Holy crap that's funny.


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## Trinity (13 Apr 2005)

WHAT IS IT WITH GRASS

A month into becoming a Padre.. I was up at Borden and I parked my truck in front of 
"the oz" as its known to all Log staff..   what ever that Log school is named (slipped my mind)

Instead of walking around the back of my truck, I walk around and take 2 steps across this very
small piece of grass and then it ends and becomes road.   Well this Sgt. driving by throws on his brakes,
rolls down his window...   yells out

YOU... GET OVER HERE....

I think to myself... this will be interesting.... walk over...

DON'T YOU KNOW THAT.....   pause....   see's the rank and cross.....

says NOTHING.. rolls up the window... drives away....

Can't say I abused my position!!! I didn't do a thing.



ok   An excellent JLC story...

The best Charlie Oscar Charlie Kilo.. is when you get it from your own course.
Just before inspection occasionally orders will get changed.   For example.
Gas masks on for inspection..     ok they want to see your gas masks.
But sometimes guys would be jerks..   um.. Closed locker, no wpn.
and of course.. we'd believe them.. and the Sgts would come by and
say   WTF... why aren't you standard...   Not really a funny joke.. but...
ANYWAYS... it leads into this story

1 minute before inspection - P 50 leadership building (it hurts just to type that)
someone yells   BOOTS OFF FOR INSPECTION

um.. no.. i'm not falling for that. Not a chance am i falling for that.

NOBODY took their boots off....   

Instructors arrive..   look at the first room
WHY ARENT YOUR BOOTS OFF.... - turns out they're doing a foot inspection as well
because we were just in the field

I'm the last room in the hallway... they TEAR through the rooms checking to see
if people had their boots off.   Luckily, my room had enough time to get our boots
off before the instructors came in.   We were the only room that didn't get in trouble.

Boots off for inspection?   Never would have believed that one!


Concider this a friendly warning.....remember youngin's come to this site


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## Pte. Bloggins (13 Apr 2005)

GDawg said:
			
		

> Comm Res is a cozy little world isn't it?
> Anyone else going on 0501 5's crse this summer?
> I hope that particular Russian is gonna be on that one!



I'm going on 0502, but I'll probably see you there.


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## Trinity (13 Apr 2005)

Sig Bloggins said:
			
		

> I'm going on 0502, but I'll probably see you there.




If you guys are going to CFSCE in Kingston... I'll see you there...

I'm in Kingston this summer...  looks like we might have an army.ca drinking night


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## Lost_Warrior (13 Apr 2005)

> Luckily, my room had enough time to get our boots
> off before the instructors came in.  We were the only room that didn't get in trouble.



If that was any of my instructors, we would have been jacked up the worst.  They would have asked why we were the only ones with it correct, and why we didn't pass the word to buddy in the other sections.


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## JasonH (14 Apr 2005)

> Room Inspections:
> 1) Cpl:"Don't you wash your soap private?"
> Pte: "Yes Cpl (recruit had a shaved head"
> Cpl: "Then what kind of hair is this on your soap"
> ...



This one had me howling  ;D


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## Kat Stevens (14 Apr 2005)

From my SSM in 4CER getting ready for a Tuesday morning parade in Lahr:
  "Cpl ****, you get that idiot grin off your face, or I'll shove my pacestick up between your child-bearing hips!"  Entire squadron breaks up...


CHIMO,  Kat


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## Slim (14 Apr 2005)

Battleschool in Gagetown

Sgt: "Trooper So and so did you shave this morning?"

Trooper So and So: "Yes Sgt!"

Sgt: "Tomorrow morning make sure you step closer to the razor!"


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## Thompson_JM (14 Apr 2005)

Slim said:
			
		

> Battleschool in Gagetown
> 
> Sgt: "Trooper So and so did you shave this morning?"
> 
> ...



Ive heard that one a few times.

another Basic Recruit classic is 

MCpl: Did you shave this morning Troop?
Cornflake: Yes MCpl
MCpl: With what? a bumblebee in a clamshell? (or) a Rock?

______________________________________

and the best one i ever heard. 
on my QL3a's in borden we had a QL2 being run on the 1st floor of our baracks, and an air force MCpl (i swear it looked like an enginer cap badge but i could be wrong) was jacking them up on the saturday moring outside of our windows. 

so naturally we're listening in.. and the platoons problem of the day was hair on the beret and face. so it starts like this:

Mcpl: did you shave this morning troop?
pte A: no mcpl
Mcpl: no? but youre wearing aftershave? 
pte A: yes mcpl
mcpl: why are you wearing aftershave if you havent shaved?
pte A: uhhhh.....
mcpl: listen to the name! AFTER-SHAVE! its not, IF-I-SHAVE or MAYBE-I'll-SHAVE-TODAY, its AFTER-SHAVE! meaing you wear it, AFTER YOU SHAVE!

he moves down the line, and discovers lint and hair on another recruits beret

Mcpl: what in the hell is on your beret pte?
pte B: uhhh......
Mcpl: ITS HAIR! What is hair doing on your headress? do you have pets in the barracks or something?
pte B: No Mcpl!
Mcpl: I think youre lying to me, I think i know whats going on... You Troops have a cat in the barracks! it is sleeping in Your Beret and cleaning his (Pte A) face!

it was one of the more memorable moments from that summer.

that and when (I kid you not) he had the platoon holding up their canteens doing the "This is my rifle, there are many like it but this one is mine..." speach replacing rifle with canteen. 

sadly i cant remember any of our instructors that summer giving us any memorable jacking ups. 

though two of our coursemates mooned an instructor from the back of a 2 ton TCV right in front of the CFSAL ADMIN building.... 
i recall the MCPL summoning the two of them from the classroom to the course office using the phrase "would the two members of the insane clown posse march down to the course office NOW!" 

end result. they got a talking to. no chit, no charge, not even extra D&D. though at the crse party the Mcpl even admitted it was an awsome prank, just a bad time and place to do it.


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## q_1966 (15 Apr 2005)

Cpl Thompson said:
			
		

> Mcpl: did you shave this morning troop?
> pte A: no mcpl
> Mcpl: no? but youre wearing aftershave?
> pte A: yes mcpl
> ...



;D had me burst out laughing


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## GrimRX (15 Apr 2005)

holy craaap, ^^;;

Since it'd be rude to ONLY post that, lol: 

The only real memorable jacking ups I've heard were on my SQ course a summer or so ago.  Can't remember the course Warrent Officer's name, but he's stationed in Wainwright, reg force guy.  Very memorable.

Anyways, we were having lunch (I think, my short term memory's shot to crap *grumble* stupid finals, lol) and the WO roars into the room and forms us all up outside the barricks.
The Gist of the problem?

"You're Missing TWO F***ING BFA's!  YOU'RE F***ED!  NOOO BODY leeeaves the BArricks!"

Gawd, it took us awhile, but a day or so after this happened, all one of us had to do with raise up a BFA and it sent us all into laughter.  We were gonna put it on our course shirt too,    but we ran out of time  :crybaby:


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## onewingwonder (15 Apr 2005)

Late '80s, RAF Cranwell:

"Did you polish those boots last night, Smith?"

"No Sir, my wife did!"

Poor soul turns red whilst remainder of squad stifle laughter, moves on to next man...

"Are those your best boots, Jones?"

"No Sir, they're Slater's!"

Poor soul now has turned puce and is doing a good impression of a man having an epileptic fit. Squad is now giggling like kindergarten children. Next man....

"Is that your best uniform, Firth?"

"No Sir, (pauses for effect) but it is my favourite!"

Poor soul has now lost the power of speech and only appeasrs capable of inhaling as he tries to come to terms with what is happening on his parade. The squad are now behaving in a similar fashion to the Roman guards in the Life of Brian and the famous Welease Wodewick sketch. That cost us a full drill lesson at warm up speed but it was worth it.

Same time period, same place, block inspection in No 2 IOT. Rock FS disappears into room behind me, returns with my civvy shoes which are, in fairness, in a sh!te state.

FS: "What are these shoes saying to you, Mr Wonder??"

Me (knowing the axe will fall regardless) moment: "They're saying 'Help, Help! The FS's got me!"

...well worth 50 press ups!


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## Jonny Boy (15 Apr 2005)

ha that one is great. once you mentioned monty python and the life of brian the firstthing that i thought of was the biggiss dickiss scene witht he centurians cracking up.


----------



## BDG.CalgHighrs (15 Apr 2005)

Mcpl; "Private I got this off the lid of your shaving cream. What the fuck is this?" *Shows me his finger.

"It looks like you got some of my discharge on your finger, Master Corporal!"

My Mcpl has to move on to stop from laughing. at which poin the NCO from the next section over states loudly enough for thewhole course to hear "Looks like 4 section has a discharge problem" The rest of the inspection was shot.


----------



## onewingwonder (15 Apr 2005)

> The rest of the inspection was _*shot*_.


ahem...apparently so. ;D


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## Strike (15 Apr 2005)

Although this really has nothing to do with a verbal jacking up it does provide a nice image that may make you chuckle.

Chilliwack summer of '94 BOTC.

The Sgt and WO have been teaching us drill all morning.  Some of us (not me of course  ;D) were having some coordination troubles which the DS were enjoying immensly.  Finally things are starting to look good.  Now it's time to learn "change step."  Probably the most useless of movements ever invented unless everyone is out of step to begin with.  Of course, we're all feeling pretty good about ourselves by this time.

Sgt: "CHANGE STEP!"

Most of us do it without wiping out, but one recruit in the middle of the pack did some type of hop skip and jumps about 1 foot in the air above all of our heads.  There's some chuckles and whispering from the DS and the order is given again.  Sure enough, the recruit jumps about a foot in the air.  This time the chuckles are pretty loud.  Third time's a charm I guess because we hear once more, "CHANGE STEP!"  And again, the gazelle jumps.  Well, now the DS are making no effort about hiding their amusement are are literally holding each other up because they are laughing so hard.  They are so overwhelmed that they almost forget about us as we march smartly off the parade square onto the grass and lightly treed area before they notice -- but no before someone walked into one of those trees.


----------



## Sh0rtbUs (15 Apr 2005)

This one isnt as funny as it is one of those moments where you feel sorry for the parties engaging in the conversation for wasting the last 20 seconds of their life...


Pte. - MCpl, Im not feeling all that great

MCpl. - What, you gonna die? 

Pte. - No, MCpl

MCpl. - Good, because i never gave you permission to die

Pte. - MCpl. can i go see the medics?

MCpl. - They dont give permission to die Pte., only chits saying you're capable of it!

Pte. - Permission to die MCpl?

MCpl. - No...

Pte. Yes Mcpl.


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## thorbahn (15 Apr 2005)

Ah, these are funny. 

Some of my own..

Sgt: "Pte! Do you have a 14 inch xxxxxxx? ...around?"

And that joke went on throughout the course, that Pte became known as "xxxxxxxxxx".

Same Sgt: "Don't look at me with love in your eyes and **** in your pants.."
Heard that one many times from him.

Same Sgt once again: "Get in there you bunch of christmas hams!"
After the "go" during change parade.


----------



## X Royal (15 Apr 2005)

TQ 3 Inf. morning room inspection.

Sgt. - Pte. ****** , those welts on your boots are filthy. Did you polish them.

Pte. - No Sgt. how do you do that?

Sgt. - With a toothbrush & polish.

                             **Next day**

Morning room inspection. While inspecting the toiletry drawer.

Sgt. - Pte. ******, where's your toothbrush?

Pte. - Used it to do me boots.

Sgt. - What did you brush your teeth with?

Pte. - Me toothbrush ( _*he answered with a black toothed smile * _ ).

               **Everyone lost it.**


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## rcd33b (16 Apr 2005)

Platoon of Marines being inspected in middle of intensive, desert warfare training exercise, Mojave Desert, Calif.  GySgt and Lt walking between ranks, young Marine next to me begins to sway back and forth, very pale, shaking.  Gunny grabs his pack strap, holding him up, and yells at me "Grab that rifle,"  which I did, now holding the fainting Marines rifle, plus my own.  Gunny promptly lets go of the pack strap, and young Marine hits the sand, face first.  Gunny and Lt step over Marine, Gunny yelling "that rifle might save your life, that body in the sand will not, keep your priorities straight in combat!" 

It was not a funny moment, in view of the point he was making, but it was so typical of the NCO's we had in that era in the Corps (early 70's, many Vietnam combat vets).  We did chuckle later on.  The Marine who had fainted was immediately tended to by a Navy Corpsman.  Heat prostration was taken very seriously.


----------



## childs56 (16 Apr 2005)

Sgt    "Pte did you iron your combats today"
Pte    "of course i did Sgt"
Sgt    " what did you take pointers from Fred Flinstone and use two hot rocks"
Pte    "no Sgt i used two cold ones cant afford heat where i live"

The he commented on my boots 

Sgt     " did you polish those today"
Pte     "yes i did Sgt but i am standing dirt"


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## q_1966 (18 Apr 2005)

Back when I did CL in 2003 in Vernon, I was in the mess waiting to hand in my dirty dishes,
the plates were stacked up, high (about 2 and 1/2 ft. High) And what this Staff Cadet (think he was WO.) did was stack just one more on top, and sure enough they all came crashing down with a huge crash. Now to top it off this is the dialouge that took place shortly after

Staff Cadet: (Very rude tone) Hey dishwaher clean this mess up
Dishwasher: Excuse Me! You can talk to my supervisor
Shortly after he was being jacked up by the Dishwasher, Chef of the Kitchen, A Capt. and my (then) Platoon Commander (then) a 2Lt.

Needles to say, I dont think anyone saw him around there again


----------



## Michael Dorosh (18 Apr 2005)

**thick French accent**

IF I'D HAVE WANTED AN ALARM CLOCK....I'D HAVE BOUGHT ONE!!!

By a dude in an Airborne T-shirt, and nothing else, after I played reveillie on the bagpipes for a bunch of Militia musicians in a barracks in Griesbach, Edmonton.  I believe the Airborne Centre was still there at the time (1988)??

I wasn't about to dispute his right to the t-shirt in any event.  I promptly went back to my room, locked the door, jumped into bed with all my clothes on, and stayed there until noon.


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## PPCLI MCpl (18 Apr 2005)

I was taking my platoon through the Indirect Fire Trainer and the last Pte to go was correcting fire.  He competently got on line and began his bracketing.  The exchange went someting like this:

G12 this is 33A, Drop 800, over...

G12 this is 33A, Add 400, over...

G12 this is 33A, yo, back that shit up 200...

The Commissionaire running the simulation took several minutes to recover before firing the round.


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## GDawg (19 Apr 2005)

Quote from the other day:

W.O. : "Wanna go on a JANUS Ex?"
ME:  "Whats a JANUS W.O.?"
W.O.: "its an ANUS with a J"


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## nawk (19 Apr 2005)

Heard this from a Sgt. while we got screwed over waiting for buses to take us back from Ex. Iron Talon: 'We're like mushrooms, we're kept in the dark and fed shit.'


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## SeanNewman (19 Apr 2005)

French Instructor (just learning English) to English course:
"You think I know f*** nothing? I'll show you I know f*** ALL!"

Same instructor at the mess:
"Give me two eggs running and facing the sun."

DIfferent instructor:
"Did you use a mirror when you shaved this morning?"
"Yes Sgt."
"Use a razor next time, it works better."


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## redleafjumper (20 Apr 2005)

"By a dude in an Airborne T-shirt" - now that triggered a little gem from the depths of the gray matter....  

It was jump course in Edmonton and three keen young candidates were enjoying an evening off and walking into town.  One of the young jumpers-to-be was wearing a maroon t-shirt and up from behind came a vehicle full of riggers, one of whom screamed at the basic para candidate "Are you qualified to wear that t-shirt!!??"  The candidate turned and revealed a bright yellow "Mr. Bill"  on the front and replied in all innocence "Gee I think so...Gosh, I don't know why not!"  The three in the car were mortified and sped off to search for easier targets while we laughed all the way into town.  :warstory: ;D


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## NATO Boy (21 Apr 2005)

Since I have heard so many that are possibly already posted here, I will only post the latest one I heard used an SQ course I worked on as an ADMIN NCO:

MCpl: "Pte._____, do you have a drivers's licence?"

Pte._____, dogging it on his ruck while everyone is cleaning biv site: "Um, yes, MCpl..."

MCpl: "...then DRIVE THE F*#KIN' BODY!"

Possibly one of the cheesiest yet funniest lines I've heard used on a candidate yet!


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## Fraser.g (21 Apr 2005)

This was said by a MCpl during a BMQ in Dundurn to a troop who after several attempts and long instruction still could not clean the lower receiver on his C7.

The Pte is at attention during inspection. The MCpl is standing over his left shoulder and talking quietly in his ear.

"Pte ------, have you ever herd the term "you can lead a horse to water?"

"Yes Master Corporal"

"Could you finish the phrase for me?"

"but you can't make him drink. Master Corporal"

"DRINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

By the way, this was the same Pte that got lost going from the 100 m point to the buts on a conventional range.

GF


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## tomahawk6 (21 Apr 2005)

A couple of key phrases I learned early on :

"Do as I say, not as I do"

"There are three ways to do something : the right way, the wrong way and the Army way"


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## Michael Dorosh (21 Apr 2005)

We had a really great lecture by the RSM last night, who has some talent for public speaking, aided when talking to soldiers by a sardonic sense of humour.  It was fun to see the stereotype of the slightly-out-of-touch senior WO perpetuated though when he talked about polishing shoes.  The lecture was on regimental leg dress, a pretty detailed subject in a Highland Regiment.

He said that it takes work, so when you're sitting in front of the TV at night, have your shoes there and put a few coats on "while you're watching....(pause)....Fantasy Island....or whatever they show on TV these days..."

I thought it was a mark of true respect that no one laughed out loud at that - though some very entertaining quizzical looks passed back and forth between the troops....


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## swanita (21 Apr 2005)

Good ol' Leclair:

Nah....he would be able to remember why he was about to jack you up any longer than the first or second word. he tried to crap on me for being late once and about mid-sentence he asked my why i was so damned early !!

My fav was when i was before him for my charge being read (don't ask) & halfway thru, he confused me with the other female being charged for an ND & started reading her charge!

or....

on grad parade practice we was yelling how crappy we were, just given' er & then his teeth fly outta his head, catches them mid-air & shoves 'em back in his mouth!!

Funniest s**t ever!!

And, a fellow JLC/JNCO candidate while doing drill mutuals:

Cpl: "I've seen more drive in a parked car!"


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## D-n-A (21 Apr 2005)

One day during a morning inspection during basic

*Sgt's inspecting   a recruits kit thats laid out on the bed an see's that the recruits canteen doesn't have his name on it. So he picks up the canteen an faces the recruit, "Bloggins do you have your canteen trained   to come back to you after you lose? What is it going to run around yelling "bloggins bloggins" and find its way to you?," than the sgt tosses the canteenacross the room "well, look at that, your canteen is blading you an isn't coming back"  the Sgt moves on and inspects another recruit. 


The same Sgt on another day, while we're all formed up in front of our shacks.

"BLOGGINS! STOP STANDING LIKE A F****** $5 HOOKER ON HASTINGS STREET!"


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## FreeFloat (21 Apr 2005)

We're on QL2 in Shilo and marching (in a relaxed way) back from a meal.  The DS marching us is in a real good mood and in a cheerful voice starts asking individuals if they shaved that morning.

Sgt: Pte Smith!

Pte: Yes Sgt!

Sgt: Did you shave this morning?

Pte: Yes Sgt!

Sgt: Electric or blade? (you're not supposed to use electric)

Pte: (pause) Electric Sgt!

Sgt: I don't think the razor was turned on!

This sort of thing continues as the Sgt picks people out at random.  Then he picks on me (I'm female):

Sgt: Bloggins!

Me: Yes Sgt!

Sgt: Did you shave this morning?

Me: (brief pause) No Sgt!

Sgt: Why not?

Me: (brief pause) Because I couldn't find any facial hair to shave Sgt!

Sgt: That's odd, I'm pretty sure _I_ can!

Naturally there were a number of stifled choking noises heard throughout the ranks...


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## Pencil Tech (21 Apr 2005)

Cpl and WO passing each other in corridor. WO comes to a sudden stop.

WO: Cpl Bloggins!

Cpl: Yes Warrant?

WO: I know you're in a hurry to go and get your f-ing hair cut so I won't keep you!

WO turns and continues on his way.


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## Parasoldier (21 Apr 2005)

On leadership...

"It is like a dog sled race, either you are the lead dog or the scenery does not change."


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## Freddy Chef (21 Apr 2005)

(More of a course legend. Accuracy pending, heard in the mess after a few pints.)

On course, Monday morning inspection in the shacks, weapon field stripped on bunk, Section Commander in a p*ssed off mood. Picks up and inspects bayonet.

Sgt: *â Å“Bloggins, bayonet latches dirty with sand and sh**.â ?*
Throws bayonet, sticks into wall behind bunk.

Tuesday morning inspection...Section Commander...picks up and inspects bayonet.

Sgt: *â Å“Bloggins, bayonet latches still has sh** in 'em.â ?*
Throws bayonet, sticks into wall behind bunk.

Routine continues all week.

Sunday morning CSM's inspection.

CSM: *â Å“Bloggins, what the f*** happened to the wall behind your bunk?â ?*

Bloggins: *â Å“The Section Commander keeps throwing my bayonet into it, Sir!â ?*

CSM: *â Å“Why the f*** does your Section Commander keep doing that?â ?*

Bloggins: *â Å“Because he keeps finding dirt in the latches, Sir!â ?*

CSM picks up and inspects bayonet.

CSM: *â Å“It still is dirty, you sad sack!â ?*
Throws bayonet, sticks into wall behind bunk.
CSM: *â Å“Clean that sh** out of your bayonet latches. And plaster up those holes in the wall! What's wrong with you?â ?*


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## DELTADOG13 (21 Apr 2005)

The next quote was yelled to me over and over as I was being pummeled during Crowd Control Drills:

"STOP RESISTING......STOP RESISTING............STOP RESISTING........AAAA WTF I'M JUST GOING TO BEAT ON YA SOME MORE BEFORE THE CAMERAS GET HERE"

Thanks Chris..........now he's an Mp and can do this "legally".


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## DELTADOG13 (21 Apr 2005)

Said by the RSM of 1RCR while on a battalion parade:

" You there, Echo company, second rank, third from the right, stop moving around or I'll stick my pace stick up your ass and plant you on the regimental square to become a new regimental monument to stupidity"

" All tigers no donkeys"

 :warstory:


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## Sig_Des (21 Apr 2005)

some of my favorites:

"Very good Pte ****, monkey find Banana!"

"You have to be Sexy to be in my platoon!"

on inspection:

"Holy **** Pte. C, is did one of your roomates punch you in the forehead"

"No Mcpl, my pimple blew up!"
 or

"What did you have for breakfast Pte. D?"

"Special K Mcpl", "Special K? Are you Special?"

or "Pte C, do you love Pte H?" "Yes Mcpl...actually, it's more of a lust thing MCpl!"


(Remarks with overt sexually connotations removed by Moderator)


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## B.McTeer (22 Apr 2005)

"McTeer" "Yes Mcpl" "WTF are you doing" "Push-ups Mcpl" " And why is that" "Cause you told me to Mcpl" "And why is that McTeer" "Cause i farted on parade Mcpl"  happened to my Dad :warstory:


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## winchable (22 Apr 2005)

Mine isn't a great saying but if you picture the actions you'll be laughing.

We had a french mbdr instructing drill and eveeeeryone was completely wrong in on particular movement and he Freaked.

He jumped, literally, 2 feet straight up in the air and his mouth started to foam while he tried to think of the right words "Fr...what de...fau...mer...**** was dat?" he jumped up in the air again, dropped his beret "HOLY **** DAT WAS...A..." he proceeded to run into the office and all you could hear for 3 minutes (No word of a lie) was muffled yelling and he was all by himself.


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## NATO Boy (22 Apr 2005)

This one was recently on a range during a BMQ course's PWT

The candidates were firing groupings for zeroing; one of the Ptes didn't understand this and fired off five rounds as fast as he could...

BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!

WO: Pte. _______, do you think you're tearing it up in the ghetto!!?!? :threat:! Are you from f##kin' Compton!?!?!? :threat:! WORD WORD WORD, YO, ya f##kin' numptie!

Well, it went somewhat like that at first; I'm sure we can all guess what happened next! ;D


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## Polish Possy (23 Apr 2005)

I don't have any military quotes yet but I do have a quote from my grade eight teacher....

He said this durring health class to a kid making stupid remarks

        " You are a waste of sperm and egg" 

And he said this to a kid in gym class while we were climbing the ropes

"move up your left hand ....no your other left hand .....the one that isn't the right one"


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## mrosseker (24 Apr 2005)

Just graduated from basic a little while ago, and we had a Master Seaman (not sure if I can say his name...) who was the king of jacking us up for inspection. One memorable morning inspection, I was section senior following him while he did his inspections, taking notes. 

MS (looking at the folds of pte xxxx's t-shirts, which are way bigger than 7x7") "pte xxxx did someone help you fold your shirts this morning?"
Pte xxxx "Yes, Master Seaman"
MS "Who?"
Pte xxxx "Pte yyyy did, Master Seaman."
MS  "Is Pte yyyy married?"
Pte xxxx "I believe so, Master Seaman."
MS "Does he lie to his wife?"
Pte xxxx "I dont know, Master Seaman."
MS "Because that's not 7 inches, pte xxxx."
Pte xxxx "Yes Master seaman."
MS "Show me 7 inches, xxxx."
Pte xxxx (pauses, holds his fingers about 2 feet apart.)
MS "You're a liar, xxxx."

Same Master Seaman, different day. This one takes a little explaining; the guy in the cubicle next to me was a farmer from Newfoundland, really good guy but kind of a goof. He brought a picture of one of his cows with him just for laughs, but he left it out one morning before inspection. He was down for breakfast and we put the picture of the cow in his picture frame over the picture of his girl (who incidentally was quite attractive). Everyone in the section knew about it except him, and he didnt notice while he was getting ready for the inspection. For anyone who's been through an inspection in the cubicles, you know that you cant see the part of the desk where the picture frame sits from the doorway while your instructor does the inspection inside your cubicle.

MS (in cubicle, doing usual inspection.) "OS XXXX, what's this in your picture frame?"
OS XXXX (sticks his chest out and proudly proclaims  That's my girl, Master Seaman."
MS (looks at picture, looks at OS XXXX, back at picture,) "Where's your next posting, XXXX?"
OS XXXX "In Esquimalt, Master Seaman."
MS "You going to bring your girl out there with you?"
OS XXXX "Yes Master Seaman, if I can get her there."
MS (pauses) "You're a lucky man, XXXX."

You should have seen the look on his face when we told him to look at his picture frame after the inspection. Priceless.


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## Mortar guy (24 Apr 2005)

Strike:

I was at BOTC in '94 too. Which Pl were you in?

Here's a few Gagetown stories:

French WO during PT: "You tink I make you sweat? I tell you right now, I make you SWEATER!"

Same WO" "You tink I know f*** nothing? I tell you right now, I know f*** ALL!"

Also, an old Cmdt gave us this speech at the start of Phase II: " Der are tree ways to leave de h'infantry scoo. One - medical release; two - voluntary RTU; and tree - failure" 

We were all thinking "Holy crap! Can't we pass the course!?"


Finally, I was on course with Sasha Trudeau and one day, when he was Course Senior, the DS jacks him up by saying "Holy Chirst Trudeau, your father can lead a country and you can't even lead a Platoon!"

MG


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## backinblack (24 Apr 2005)

Mortar Guy,

Sasha Trudeau should have replied, "Just watch me... "     

(For those who don't know, during the FLQ crisis, that's the line Prime Minister Trudeau used with the press)


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## Mortar guy (24 Apr 2005)

That would have been hilarious! I don't know how many of us young fellas would have gotten the joke though.

MG


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## Tpr.Orange (24 Apr 2005)

back on course...

"Pte. Did you shave this morning?"

"Yes Sgt!"

"DONT PISS ON ME AND TELL ME ITS RAINING" 


same sgt went around during our range weekend and was asking all the troops their favourite sesame street characters. So he looks around and picks out the biggest guy and says...
"lemme guess cookie monster"
he continues down the line and asks one of the ptes who his favourite was... he responds with "Ernie" the Sgt stops and begins to explain to the entire course that ernie and bert are both FESTIVE characters and that nobody should like them. He continues down the line and asks the next pte which character he likes. The pte says "Bert"    the whole section breaks out laughing. That was the last time the Sgt. brought up sesame street.


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## shaboing (9 May 2005)

this happened on morning inspection(full fighting order) yesturday to the guy that was standing beside me, soo hard not to laugh
(this is the best i can remember of how it went, not 100% accurate though, haha)

Sgt. how are you today troop?
Pte. alright Sgt. how are you?
Sgt. well this inspection has made a good day bad so far. what do you have in your tac vest?
Pte. nothing Sgt.
Sgt. NOTHING!!! WHY IS IT EVERYONE ELSE IN HERE WAS ABLE TO PUT THE STUFF I ASKED FOR IN THE TAC VEST BUT YOU?
Pte. poor planning Sgt.
Sgt. POOR PLANNING!!! HOW ABOUT NO PLANNING!!! did you shave?
Pte. no Sgt. 
Sgt. NO!! why the hell not?
Pte. no excuse Sgt. 
Sgt. you clean your rifle?
Pte. i tried to a little bit Sgt.
Sgt. you tried to? *opens up rifle to see it clearly wasn't cleaned and it didn't look like it was touched* you have to clean this or it wont work for you soldier, what good are you to me?
Pte. no idea Sgt.
Sgt. why the hell am i keeping you here? if i dropped you off in the middle of nowhere you wouldn't have enough equipment to pick your nose would you?
Pte. no sgt.

just as the Sgt. was finally moving on after a few more things were said he noticed the strap for the waist of his gas mask carrier was undone and the sgt. asked why that was undone and he said because i'm a mess Sgt. the Sgt. says your damn right your a mess

one of the funniest inspections so far because of this, but we failed it obviously. personally i passed just too bad the rest of the section didn't other then 1 other person, haha


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## 41D (9 May 2005)

Trinity said:
			
		

> I'm going to hi-jack this thread.
> 
> The BEST sayings I ever heard were from Sgt. Major Leclair, RCR, Battleschool in Petawawa
> 
> ...


Yeah, that guy was pretty 'intense'!  I saw him smoke a "Green Death" in three drags!


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## qor556 (9 May 2005)

MCPL Small, the funniest and craziest instructor ever... Only had him around for a couple weeks on course, I think he was a Tor Scot, wonder what ever happened to him.


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## davidk (11 May 2005)

From our BMQ

MCpl: Pte XXXXX, what's the name of the drill movement we just did?

Pte: (totally clueless) Uh...general salute?

 *nudge from the Pte next to him* "Say his rank..."

Pte: General salute sir?

MCpl: SIR?! Holy fuck, XXXXX!, I'm not an officer, I work for a living! Try that again! What we just did was the Present Arms!

Pte: Present arms!

MCpl: You address your superiors by rank! Are you on crack, XXXXX? Is that why you're always staring at the sky and smiling?

Pte: No...

MCpl: There's a surprise...now say my fucking rank!

Pte: Uh...Corporal Master?

Those in my platoon will have no trouble figuring out who that is...


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## Erborn (13 May 2005)

RSM to Recruit

Am I hurting your soldier
No Sir
I should be I am standing on your hair
Get a hair Cut

1955
I only know one soldier with side burns and your name ain't Elvis


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## LF(CMO) (13 May 2005)

This one was told to me MANY years ago on your distinquishing your left from your right:  "Your left foot is the one with the big toe on the right side!!"


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## medicineman (13 May 2005)

Pl WO - Those boots look like they haven't seen polish since you got them!!!  Are you Waiting for the Messiah??!!
Pte - No chance to answer
Pl WO - I hate to tell you, he came two thousand years ago!!!

Jewish guy in squad falls down howlling.

Sgt - Sahke your (add your own expletive) head - do you hear anything??!!
Recruit Shakes head - Yes I did Sgt.
Sgt - (Eventually) Get to the medics now - the (add the expletive of your choice) rock has come loose in your (add the expletive of your choice) head.

There was also my personal favorite - not really a jacking up saying, more the result of it:

Trg Sgt - Why is your locker a (beep) pit "such and such"?
Pte - No Excuse Sgt
Sgt - No Esxcuse is not an excuse - on your face and start pumping!!
Pte - 10 Sgt, 11 Sgt,...
Sgt - Have you thought of a reason yet?
Pte - No Sgt!!...25 Sgt, 26 Sgt,...
Sgt - Have you thought of anything ??!!
Pte - No Sgt!!  55 Sgt, 56 Sgt...,

I think he got to 85 before he thought of a really pitiful excuse for an excuse.  As our section commander told him - "I would have thought of something after number 2."


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## PJ D-Dog (14 May 2005)

A former RSM of my old unit had to be the safety officer during one of our live fire exercises.  Normally in the artillery, every time we fire, the safety officer will plot the data on his map and declare the data to be safe and then shout on the gun line "data safe" and then we can fire.

His safety brief contained only one statement.  The old RSM looked at everyone and said "you're all f***ing safe for the rest of the f***ing day" and we commenced firing.

PJ D-Dog


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## muskrat89 (14 May 2005)

Is he one of the ones we talked about, the other day??


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## PJ D-Dog (14 May 2005)

1.   One of my Sgt's to a new recruit (me) wearing the of CF green coveralls:   "will someone get him some combat pants, he looks like an overgrown gumby doll."

2.   Me to my platoon during a QL2 years ago: "if these actions keep on, we will all have to take a bite out of a very distastfull sandwich".

3.   Me to another platoon during another QL2 as many years ago:   "(screaming at nearly the top of my lungs) It is my mission in life to make sure that you all work together as a team.   If you refuse too, I will personally scrape your faces against the pavement until you do (insert your favorite explatives here)".

4.   Me teaching examine arms, ease springs:

Me: "YOU (pointing) better get a grip on that weapon Private"

Pte: "Yes Sgt"

Me: "What's your name?"

Pte: "Private Peddle, Sgt"

Me: "Hey Peddle, you want to peddle your way back home or do you want to do drill for a change?"

5.   During a QL2 course, we had the platoon at the grenade range and they were not behaving as they should.   We decided to use some reverse psychology on them.   After telling them repeatedly to quiet down, we started to call them by their first names and told them to do anything they wanted too.   We said how we just didn't care since they wanted to be slimy civilians and could act as such.   Suddenly, they quieted down despite our insistance that they be unruley and do as they pleased.   By the end, they were all sitting at attention (willingly) with legs crossed and fists on their knees.   All you could hear in the range shack was the detonating of the grenades which caused the building to vibrate every time an ordnance was thrown.   The RSO then walked in, looked at the students then looked at us and said "what's going on here?".   I replied to the young officer's question "Sir, we gave them the choice between the military way and the McHappy way.   They chose the military way sir   Any other questions?."

6.   An isntructor to a recruit:   "Toot, toot...what's that sound Webb?   It's the sound of the HMCS Sorry About Your Luck and it just pulled into your harbour".

7.   Me to a recruit:   "Webb, I am sick to death of looking at you walk around like liesure-suit-Larry with your trousers unbloused".

8.   Me while drilling a group of recruits:   "There is nothing funny about drill.   What's a matter with you Jones, stop smilling.   Think of something dead."

9.   To one of my recruits who was lactose intolerant:   "You better lift your leg higher than that, Doherty or I WILL force feed you a gallon of milk!"

PJ D-Dog


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## PJ D-Dog (14 May 2005)

muskrat89 said:
			
		

> Is he one of the ones we talked about, the other day??



That was old Glen you know who.....he was great.

PJ


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## Erborn (14 May 2005)

No One is completely useless
You can always be used as a bad example

Jump Course 1951

I banged my head I should be dead


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## jwsteele (16 May 2005)

No military quotes yet, but my martial arts instructor (ex us marine) had a couple tree hugger types in his class one night.

Instructor:  Everybody down for 30 pushups.  Keep pace and count out loud with me
*pushups commence...about 12 go by when the students fall behind.
Student:  You're going too fast...we should be able to do them at our own pace.
Instructor:  You want to do them at your own pace?
Student:  Yes
Instructor:  Well until you can do them faster than me, you will do them at the pace I say.  Understand?
Student:  I just think we should be able to complete them on our own time.
*instructor becomes visibly annoyed
Instuctor:  OK...enough of this shit.  I don't give a flying f*** at what pace you want to do them, we're here to protect democracy...not practice it.  I run this shit...I pay the bills for this fu***** dojo...you have no say in how I run my place.  Now stop holding up the rest of this class or get lost.  Don't you have a protest somewhere?  F***!
*both students are absolutely terrified...they finish the class...leave as fast as they can...never return.


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## CADPAT SOLDIER (17 May 2005)

From My crazy grade 6 Gym teacher to a visibly over wieght Child

Teacher: " 4 laps Around the soccer field" 
Student : "I can't I have asthma"
teacher : "Awwww Muffin.... You don't have asthma your just Fat.... Now how about those 4 laps"


For the teachers sake the kid didn't have asthma but used it as an excuse to get out of any physical activity


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## Bomber for Life (17 May 2005)

Sgt. Rose from 2 RCR on inspection for Leadership Coy in pet, that guy is full of the best ones.

Sgt- You have a stain in your towel. What gets stains out of towels?

Cpl- I don't know, Shout Sgt?

Sgt- Thats right Shout, lets try it (turns and faces the towel) "GET THE F*#$ OUT OF THE TOWEL STAIN"

Sgt- Nothing, guess I didn't shout lout enough, you try it.

Cpl- "GET THE F#$K OUT OF THE TOWEL!!!!!!!

SGT- Guess shout donsn't work try soap.

CPL- Yes Sgt.


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## Uberman (17 May 2005)

We were on patrol  one evening in Ft. Hunter Liggit (sp) in California doing ABCA training;  we had some serious brass following along on the patrol so appearances were important.  It was near the end of the four week exercise that was long and we were all tired. All of a sudden we hear the sound of a C-7 discharging a round - quickly followed by a very worried and whispered " awwww f*&King cr@p" . . . NCO looks at the offender and the offender looks at him . . . two seconds later our NCO yells out CONTACT!! and we engage the fictitious enemy. Turns out our radio man was adjusting the radio and accidently fired a round, blank of course. Saved the guy a charge parade.


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## Sam69 (21 May 2005)

Personal favourite:

"He is so clueless that he couldn't find a clue in a field full of clues during clue mating season."


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## GO!!! (22 May 2005)

Hey Pte. @#$%, anyone told you that your doing a fine job today?

No Sgt.

Wonder why?


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## Thompson_JM (23 May 2005)

Bomber for Life said:
			
		

> Sgt- ..."GET THE F*#$ OUT OF THE TOWEL STAIN"...



That is truly the best quote I have ever heard......

i was crying when i read that one, from laughing so hard! 

no way i could keep a straight face on that one...


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## Bomber for Life (27 May 2005)

Bomber for Life said:
			
		

> Sgt. Rose from 2 RCR on inspection for Leadership Coy in pet, that guy is full of the best ones.



Sorry, thats 3 RCR


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## Fusilier (27 May 2005)

This one was a one shot deal, don't think I'll ever get to use it again...

QL2 Crse, all male students...me instructor

Enter - me, "female on the floor"
Seen - male candidate streaking out door with nothing on but helmet and webbing....
Heard - me "does that come in adult sizes?"

No, didn't do anything to him...he gave the course a laugh, especially as on his exit at the same time as my comment he tripped and fell flat out on the ashphalt outside...ouch!

From the dark ages of my past...summer, militia GMT trg candidate.  Inspection - does anyone remember having to stand beside the toilet you just cleaned, at attention for inspection???

Me - at attention ready for inspection
CSM - inspects uniform etc
Me - "oh yeah this is going to be good" (inside voice)
CSM - looks at toliet "what the (&$@(*&@ is this Pte"
Me - turn around (ok it was the first week of course), stick finger into brown stuff on seat, stick finger in mouth - "Shit, Sir!"
CSM - turns slightly pale, perfect right turn - exits washroom

No, it wasn't the real stuff - Nuttella works great, don't remember where I got the idea..might have been an old soldier passing it on...spent the rest of the crse CB'd, and every extra duty they could think of ....mainly cleaning toliets...was worth it to see the look on his face ;D


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## Erborn (5 Jun 2005)

In my day they used Peanut Butter


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## McFarlane (6 Jun 2005)

On a Cadet exchange to Scotland, in our last week we were on an england base.  Here we saw several british officers in mess dress (seemed to be coming apart due to drunkeness)

Officer: "where you guys from?"
us: "Canada"
Officer: "Oh, well, I represent the British Army, and I am wasted"

He was about 30 feet from us and yelling this out in a drunken slur


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## R031button (7 Jun 2005)

On my BMQ during a lecture on 5.56 mm ammuntion

 MBdr *** "This is ball ammuntion, this is what you will use to turn Akbar's head into crimson mist and bone chips!"


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## Kat Stevens (8 Jun 2005)

JLC in WATC:

Sgt:  What's this in the breach of your rifle, Cpl?
Me: Looks like lint, Sgt.
Sgt: What are you gonna do about it?
Me: Lint only... aten-SHUN! Lint, faaaaall, out!
Sgt: walks away, speechless, shaking head....mutters"man, I hate old Cpls..."

Kat


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## Pearson (16 Jun 2005)

:dontpanic:

Most enjoyable time I have experienced on a parade square .. in Wainwright, ISCC, we used to try to 
make the rest of the section lose it while Instructing drill, (I'm sure not the first group to do this or the last) giving drill with tears of laughter in your eyes  is not as you think. 
Every one has heard these gems...some even repeated them... some others... all original.. there is always a classic saying or two that stick with you for ever..


referring to the not so bright ..........sharp as a bag of jello...smart as a bag of hammers.....smart like dumptruck, fast like tree..........I'm gonna be all over you like a fat kid on a smartie......

Funny now...... wayyyyyyyyyyyyy funnier then.....
Share a few with us all, I feel like a good laugh.

 ;D

(Comments with overt sexual connotations removed by Moderator)


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## Gayson (17 Jun 2005)

This story is from my last course, DP2 Armd Recce.

One of our Mcpsl has us presenting our kit for inspection, while wearing our gas masks, to make sure we brought everything on the kit list.

The Mcpl gets pissed of and tells us to get into *MOPP 4.*

One of the guys on my course had not taken BMQ in a long time and therfore misinterpreted what the Mcpl was saying.

As we rush to get our bunny suits on, to our dismay, we see the pte run across the parade square towards a closet.  After a few seconds he scrambles out with a mop and bucket and begins filling the bucket with a near by tap.

The Mcpl losses it and screams: "What the fuck are you doing pte?"

to which my buddy replies:  "I thought you said Mop Floor!?!?"


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## Slim (17 Jun 2005)

Funny story...Except that MOPP4 is an American term while TOP low, medium and high are Canadian.

Where did this actually happen?

Slim
STAFF


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## Thompson_JM (17 Jun 2005)

accually slim.. I think we've gone over to the dark side so to speak.. and IIRC we also refer to it as MOPP


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## Slim (17 Jun 2005)

Cpl Thompson said:
			
		

> accually slim.. I think we've gone over to the dark side so to speak.. and IIRC we also refer to it as MOPP



You serious?! Guess I've been away for a while!

Sorry

Slim
STAFF


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## ZipperHead (18 Jun 2005)

> Funny story...Except that MOPP4 is an American term while TOP low, medium and high are Canadian.
> 
> During my basic, I learned it as MOP...



It is indeed MOPP (Mission Oriented Protective Posture), and is, AFAIK, a NATO standard.

They got rid of different nations own NBC states (TOPP low, med, high, etc) to remove confusion on joint operations.

Al


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## Pearson (18 Jun 2005)

Been   having a blast here reading the old stories and strange happeningsthat we have all experienced. Glad i stumbled onto this site again. Even got contaced by an old buddy (Bern dog) less than an hour after my first post. 

We all have em.... here is another strange but true story from my experiences. All this topp/mopp made me crack up, if you read on, you will see why.....

Yes its true...as Ripley says........

Long long ago.......(85)
In an armouries, far.... far away..........(Halifax Armouries)
A young group of recruits.............(PLF GMT)...
were undergoing NBCD instruction in the dungeon of the armouries..(those familiar with the armouries will know the basement closely resembles this)..

We were being instructed by your typical NCO's...(scary to all high school kids, every one of which had been to germany for summer ex's)

anyhoooo

Out comes this thing called the Atropine Autoinjector.... (i saw you make that face)

Cutting to the chase.....
To instill respect (and fear) of the autoinjector into the recruits, the MC pl explains in detail what it is... what it does......and how long the freaking needle is...... He punctuated this by holding up his binder and activating one.... you could hear 25 jaws hit their desks as the needle shoots through the binder flap and sprays the room with saline...........

Every one turns white.... 

Now....of course comes the point where we learn that before we leave the room we will all be self-administrating one.(ya gotta be freaking kidding me)

I cannot stress this enough.... the BLACK end goes on your thigh........
Hold the injector by making a fist with your hand
Place it against the meaty part of your thigh and increase pressure until it clicks....... wait.... then remove.

(The faces are even whiter now)

next step to prove that it is safe(and to further cement the fact that these guys are nuts, they do it)... laughing the whole time..

Now we continue...... four at a time as i recall.... every click greeted by cheers, every hesitation of course by the abuse you all know that would follow as sympathy can only be found between s**t and  syphilis in the dictionary.

One of the very... and i stress very dim that was on course.....(picture small, googly glasses, and the bane to our courses existence. ...

Takes it...... looks at it...sweaty palms....rushes to get it over with...somewhere between getting a grip....trying to stick himself and having difficulty applying enough pressure and panic... the unexpected happened...

He (don't know why) switched hands with the injector and tried the other leg....???
Yes .........The thumb DID go over the BLACK end....   
Yes he did try to JAM it QUICKLY.... oh boy did he...   :-\

those of us that had finished were sitting there with puffed chests at passing another challenge and the next thing i remember is hearing one MC pl yelling "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And one of the other instructors yelling at him for spraying him with the saline.......
The needle was of course....   :skull:
Sticking THROUGH the recruits thumb......     :skull: his fingers recoiled away from the injector and he started trying to shake it off........ this sprayed even more recruits the ceiling and instructors with saline. Picture the Mcpls trying to get a grip on him so they could remove it while it was still spraying... holy poop....     :-X

All i have to do is say "Remember Bloggins??? and we crack up

Some how it missed the bone... but right through the nail from the wrong side......

Needless to say .... we learned very very early in our recruit life, pay attention to detail, and yes.... listen to the instructors.....

no names ... no pack drill


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## Dilea_Gu_Bas (18 Jun 2005)

Heres a few...
1)
-"Oh my God!!!!    You troops are moving slower than Molases on a cold winter day..."
-"Are you trying to steal the training area?"
-"I can't hear a word you just said...   beacuse of the wind is blowing so hard btwn you God **** legs!!!"


2)
Troop gets pushups...

Instructor: after about 35 pushups.. "are you gettin tired Pte?"
Pte: Hesitates for 20 secs.. sweating profusely then finally blurts...  "Yes Mcpl"
Instructor: What!?! Bull S*** ,You dont get tired you're a machine!!! Give me another 25!!!  
Pte: Yes Mcpl!!!!!
...25 pushups later...  Pte is holding the position....
Instructor comes back...
Instructor: So are you tired Pte?
Pte: F**** no Mcpl I'm a machine!!!
Instructor: Oh really,  then tell me...   why is the machine shaking?? 


(Comments with overt sexual connotations removed by Moderator)


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## Pearson (18 Jun 2005)

left hand --- right hand
milk hand---sandwich hand


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## Old Ranger (19 Jun 2005)

from darkness lite said:
			
		

> I love this one - have no idea if its true or not.   Back in the mid-80's while I was attending PPCLI Battle School this story went through my platoon...
> 
> During the Platoon Warrants inspection the WO stopped in front of one of the troops and pointed his pacestick into the Pte's chest and said "There's a piece of **** at the end of this stick troop!!"   To which the very ballsy Pte said "Not at my end Warrant!!"
> 
> ...



*AbsAbsolutelyue*....But it was" Cpl*****; Do you see a piece of S**t on the end of my pace stick".  I looked down, then up and said....
The WO and 2 Sgts took off down the hall into the laundry room to try and mask the laflaughterDid quite well on the rest of my CLC.


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## Danjanou (19 Jun 2005)

You need to get Muskrat to regale you with the cracks the DS made on his CLC, including Sgt Gargoyle.

When I first arrived in Newfoundland and the 1st Bn RNFLDR in 1981we had an old crusty RSS warrant officer Duff Lemoine from the RCRs. Duff was old school walk on water type of WO and woe the young Cpl like me who ran afoul of him. He was originally from the â Å“rockâ ? and had earned the MM in Korea, and this was to be his retirement posting.

Now the unit at the time also had a Cpl who was a third generation Chinese Canadian. First time I met him I thought the guys were pulling a fast one on me because he spoke with a thick bayman accent.

Anyway we're out on and FTX and screw up some how and that incurred the wrath of old Duffer.

He has us all heels locked together and is running up one side of us and down the other. The final line was â Å“You, you (expletive deleted) you all move like a bunch of (expletive deleted) Chinamen..... oops sorry about that Cpl Ping. He then slunk off, tirade finished, well we tried to keep a straight face until he was out of earshot. Ken Ping being a great guy was laughing hardest of all.


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## Polish Possy (21 Jun 2005)

I have one from shop class 

Teacher : I only have 2 rules the first is wear safety glasses at all times, and the second ....don't cut off any fingers, hands or arms because I hate doing paper work.


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## Old Ranger (21 Jun 2005)

Slim said:
			
		

> What a way to train a military...And I'll tell you what. The reputation of the Cdn Forces as a well-trained army is going to become a thing of the past if this PC garbage keeps up!
> 
> Does anyone else see anything wrong with that?



QL3 crse back in early 90's. The new don't swear at candidates came out.  Our crse Sgt came out with a dictionary in his hands and took over the troop from me.  He then held up the dictionary stating it was the one authorized by the CAF. " Under the second definition of the word C**t; it means Undesirable person(s).....So when I refer to you C***s as C***'s ; you will remember that I am referring to the second meaning."  We were still able to swear at inanimate objects and probably went overboard...not too much of course.


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## Polish Possy (27 Jun 2005)

Is it to hard ? 
No sir. it is easy I am just stupid

You people are like slinkies I have no use for you but if you were to fall down a flight of stairs you would make me smile


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## Edward Campbell (27 Jun 2005)

On parade, Junior NCO Course, 1961:

"¢	Sergeant to A/LCpl X - "X, you 'orrible, diseased, bag o' sh!t!  How did you ever get to be a lance bloody corporal?â ?

"¢	A/LCpl X to Sergeant: "Worked me way up through the ranks, Sergeant!â ?

Same course, same A/LCpl, this time the company commander:

"¢	OC: "LCpl X, what in the name of all that's holy ever persuaded _you_ to join my army?â ? 

"¢	A/LCpl X: "Well, Sir; I were walkin' down the street in St. Johns and I seen this big sign: _'Free beds and boots for everyone!'_ and here I is.â ?


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## Polish Possy (30 Jun 2005)

I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?


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## Reccesoldier (30 Jun 2005)

So I'm walking into Disney Land on the Rideau and there is this Colonel standing like a sack of **** at the bus stop with his hands in his pockets.

Being especially fed up with the state of dress in NDHQ I salute him.

Colonel: "Sgt, this isn't a saluting area."

Me: "Yes sir, but that's the only way I could get you to take your hands out of your pockets."

The silence was deafening


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## Reccesoldier (30 Jun 2005)

Hmmmm. there are so many memorable ones

He's not thick, he's soundproof


Instructor on my UCI course. "Will anyone here get offended if I swear?"

No protest from the students

Instructor: "Good, because if you took Fu<k out of my vocabulary and Kraft Dinner off the menu I'd fu$king starve to death and I wouldn't be able to fu<king tell anyone"


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## bigbopper365 (7 Jul 2005)

one particular bright pte one day was getting the gears from our m/cpl: pvt bloggins are you some kind of sexual intellectual? i dont understand m/cpl, i said are you some kind of f'n know it all  :blotto:


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## sgt_mandal (8 Jul 2005)

Cpl, if that's your double time, make it triple time!!!......hehe couldn't resist....


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## assault pnr (9 Jul 2005)

1. Course WO to Platoon during parade practise and getting really PO'd at our performance: "I'm going to go home, get a peice of tail from my wife, and I'm going to come back and torture you f&*ks in the morning"

2. 1 VP RSM is conducting change of command parade practice at Currie Barracks in Calgary.  An apparently clueless member decides this is a good time to take a short-cut across the parade square at the far side.  RSM vision kicks in and the conversation go's like this:

RSM: You! Halt! What the hell are you doing on my parade sqare!

Clueless: Do you know who the hell I am!

RSM: No!

Clueless: Good.

At this, the member ran off, and nobody ever did find out who it was.


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## Black Watch (11 Jul 2005)

another few:
1) on C7 training: I will show how to get those chunks out of your barrel.
2)on the same day, same nco: "When you drop your rifle, you have to fall on the ground as hard as your rifle did." And he went on with a demonstration, trew his rifle on the psq, tehn threw himself on the psq and broke an elbow;
3)on Environnemental course: I:Hey guys, were like greenpeace...dressed in green and unarmed(back when we had those od combats on BMQ)Sgt: what did you say, mr $hithead? I: We are greenpeace, sgt!Sgth well, today, we are going to Mont-Royal to pick up branches...


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## FormerHorseGuard (11 Jul 2005)

well I have a few quotes to offer.

working at LFCA HQ back in the early  90s when it was at Base Toronto stiill

the HQAU ADM O was coming back from the officers mess earlyone morning , stoped a young priavte on the bridge and asked why hie was he did not salute him. after all he was a Captain in full dress blue airforce suit. the private looked at his watched and said SIr it not 0800 yeat and kept on walking towards the base hq .

but my fav quote was from basic training  we had a ex airborne MCPL  then Sgt in the Unit, he was the scary man. He was always telling us really bad hollywood type lines  
 when he sent us some where, he would say " all i want to see is elbows and assholes " as you run and we reply  under our breather"you be the ******* , we will be the elbows" he heard us once....that  is another story



(Comments with overt sexual connotations removed by Moderator)


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## ArmyGirlfriend19 (11 Jul 2005)

hello,

this is not mine but it is one that my bf heard while he wasin the BMQ

-pain is only weakness leaving the body- 
                                                 unknown

i thought that this quore suited his situation well...


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## Gill557 (11 Jul 2005)

Drill Class during IAP:

"Dig your heels in. I wanna hear Paris 1940."

Gotta love Marching Class  ;D


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## Compter (14 Jul 2005)

Back in basic my instructor used this one;

"If you were any more stupid, I'd have to water you twice a day"

I loved that one. Always cracked me up.


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## Young KH (17 Jul 2005)

You're so stupid, that you are happy


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## Young KH (17 Jul 2005)

On parade after a bad weekend when 5 people that were suposed to be on duty went AWOL.

Company Sargent Major talking to the troops at the attention.

You bas****es have Scr**ed me for the last time.
No more breaks, you'll get no more F**king  breakes from me.

Alright now, Fall out, Smoke Break.


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## FormerHorseGuard (19 Jul 2005)

when i worked at LFCA HQ, we had a SGT MAJOR RCD nickname was TOONER he was in charge of a charge parade  and the MCPL QOR did something wrong on the escort and the SGTMAJOR came to see him afterwards and discuss it with him.
Tooner only had 4 fingers and 1/2 thumb on one hand.

He called to the MCPL and held up his hand and said MCPL how many  fingers you see, and he replied  4 and half sir, Tooner replied x 10 , for your extras and 5 more just to make you stop smiling.


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## Second Chance (19 Jul 2005)

Or how bout these ones,

Stop F***ing leaning against that wall! 

It's been standing for well over a hundred years (the Armoury) and it doesn't need your help!! 

Or

Unfold your arms! Your not pregnant!!


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## T.I.M. (19 Jul 2005)

Heh, there's a few I remember.

MCpl: "Are you an elf, Pte?"
Me (Confused): "A _what_ MCpl?"
MCpl: "An elf!  Do you have little pointy ears?"
Me (Still Confused): "Uh, no MCpl.  I don't have pointy ears."
MCpl: "And how am I supposed to tell with all that hair in the way?"

or for the reverse:

Sgt: "Bloggins, you dumbf*k, you're supposed to put the last three of your service number on your kit, not your MOC."
Pte: "031 _is_ the last three of my service number Sgt."
Sgt: "Bulls**t.  Why, the chance of that is. . . like. . . one in a thousand!"
Pte: ". . . There's more than a thousand people at the battleschool Sgt. . ."
Sgt:  . . .


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## B.McTeer (20 Jul 2005)

Sgt: pte mcteer did u polish those boots
me: yes sgt
Sgt: then wtf is that (points at the heel of my boot)
me: i don't see anything Sgt
Sgt: yeah i bet u don't
me: Sgt?
Sgt: (takes his pace stick and place's it on the side of my boot) how look right here and tell me what that is
me: (looks closely and sees the size sticker on the side of my boots) Its the size sticker Sgt
Sgt: well how the (inappropriate grammer) did u miss that pte mctweetles (i still don't know where he pulled that one of from)
me: I'm semi retarded Sgt
Sgt: that works for me pte now take that ****** sticker off before i make you ******* eat it
me: YES SGT


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## Steel Badger (21 Jul 2005)

Wandering about in Borden in 85 with a couple of lads, revelling in the awesome power granted by the single chevron recently added to our slip ons.

Walking out of Mess on Airforce side:

Irate, Blue clad officer sporting wedge cap:     YOU THERE!! Privates!,   Don't you pay compliments?

Private (newly trained):     NICE HAT!!!


(Edited for spelling: SB)


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## davidk (22 Jul 2005)

Recently heard on my Infantry course...

MCpl: Pte *******, are you a magician?

Pte: Master Corporal what do you mean?

MCpl: I mean, do you do magic, *******?

Pte: No, Master Corporal, may I ask why?

MCpl: Because everything you touch turns to shit!

Being called a Magician on our course is pretty much the worst thing that can happen to you.


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## Vigilant (23 Jul 2005)

CFN. Orange said:
			
		

> same sgt went around during our range weekend and was asking all the troops their favourite sesame street characters. So he looks around and picks out the biggest guy and says...
> "lemme guess cookie monster"
> he continues down the line and asks one of the ptes who his favourite was... he responds with "Ernie" the Sgt stops and begins to explain to the entire course that ernie and bert are both FESTIVE characters and that nobody should like them. He continues down the line and asks the next pte which character he likes. The pte says "Bert"    the whole section breaks out laughing. That was the last time the Sgt. brought up sesame street.



Hey Zack! Good times... Too bad that particular Sarge retired.


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## ZipperHead (24 Jul 2005)

My all time favourites:

If brains were gasoline, you wouldn't have enough to power the world's smallest motorcycle around the inside of a Cheerio.

You've got a head on you like a:  Lapplander's foreskin (my favourite as I am Finnish)
                                              40 pound Smartie
                                              sun-f*@ked onion
                                              4 slice toaster

While doing mountain ops, a troop was having trouble scaling a fairly easy slope. Instructor: "Come on Bloggins: mountain goats f#$k on slopes steeper than this!!"

From a french Firefighter in Weapons Cadre in Cornwallis to a mostly Crewman section: "If you ever come back here, I will kick your ass all the way back to Gagtown." Not really sure what he meant, but it's stuck in my head for almost 18 years....

So many sayings, so little memory left.......

Al


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## bled12345 (11 Aug 2005)

Here's some sayings that get me pumped up or motivated... 


"You cannot change the past, but you can make the future"  - immortal technique
"Pain is just weakness leaving the body" -navy seals motto
"Pain is your friend, it lets you know that you are still alive" -USMC
"Any day is a good day, just try missing one" -poolhall junkies


what are some of your favs?


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## Blakey (11 Aug 2005)

> Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.


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## ab136 (11 Aug 2005)

"If it's not one thing it's her mother"
"Money isn't everything but,.......it's everything else"


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## kincanucks (11 Aug 2005)

"If I have to stop this car" and "Do you want something to really cry about?"  are some of my all time favourites.


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## aesop081 (11 Aug 2005)

Mine are :

1- "if you don't like it, get the f*** out !!"

and 

2- "Remember that no matter how good-looking she is, someone is tired of putting up with her shyte"


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## ab136 (11 Aug 2005)

kincanucks said:
			
		

> "If I have to stop this car" and "Do you want something to really cry about?"  are some of my all time favourites.



Ah memories.  *dab eyes with tissue*


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## kincanucks (11 Aug 2005)

"If you don't like it, then get out"

Gen Baril - Petawawa Officers' Mess - 1998.


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## aesop081 (11 Aug 2005)

kincanucks said:
			
		

> "If you don't like it, then get out"
> 
> Gen Baril - Petawawa Officers' Mess - 1998.





			
				aesop081 said:
			
		

> Mine are :
> 
> 1- "if you don't like it, get the f*** out !!"



CWO Williamson, 2 CER Petawawa...........every day !


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## Pea (12 Aug 2005)

kincanucks said:
			
		

> "If I have to stop this car" and "Do you want something to really cry about?"   are some of my all time favourites.



Word for word like my dad used to say  ;D...now I'm homesick!


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## ExistancE (12 Aug 2005)

"When I tell the truth, it is not for the sake of convincing those who do not know it, but for the sake of defending those that do." 

"Act in the valley so that you need not fear those who stand on the hill." 

"A hero is one who knows how to hang on one minute longer." 

"The reputation of a thousand years may be determined by the conduct of one hour." 

"Fall seven times, stand up eight." 

"Fight like you train, train like you fight" 

"Twelve highlanders and a bagpipe make a rebellion."


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## Kat Stevens (12 Aug 2005)

"No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people out there better at it than you."

Kat


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## NavComm (12 Aug 2005)

I'm paraphrasing but the gist is clear:

During a fierce thunderstorm at bmq, while marching with c7's the MS said: "If any of you have decided you don't want to be here any more just hold those lighting rods up high"

and same MS after having to order, in his opinion, too many bootlaces.....'if you're not going to use these things to tie together and hang yourself why should I keep going through the hassle of ordering them?"

aaaahhhhh he must have really loved us lol


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## SeanPaul_031 (12 Aug 2005)

"To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift."
               -Steve Prefontaine
"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself"
               -D.H. Lawrence
"Youre all a bunch of f*cking assholes, you know why? cause you dont have the guts to be who you wanna be. You need people like me so you cant point your f*cking fingers and say thats that bad guy. Well you aint never gonna see anyone like me ever again. So say goodnight to the bad guy." 
                -Tony Montana
"Have balls and have heart. The will to get what you want in life is all you need. Its not the size of the dog in the fight, its the size of the fight in the dog."
"Believe in the reality that you are far greater than you have ever imagined possible"

I really like the ones existance wrote as well.


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## bossi (12 Aug 2005)

ExistancE said:
			
		

> "When I tell the truth, it is not for the sake of convincing those who do not know it, but for the sake of defending those that do."
> 
> "Act in the valley so that you need not fear those who stand on the hill."
> 
> ...



I'm a quote collector, therefore I'd appreciate knowing the origins of any maxims posted here.
Thanks!

And, under the heading of "sleepless at 0330 hrs ... again ..."



> "Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death."
> -- Miyamoto Musashi, The Book of Five Rings
> 
> (from an essay):
> ...


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## Pieman (12 Aug 2005)

A couple I hear durring my PT:

"There is no 'can't' in Canadian!"

"Ignore the pain. You control your body, your body does not control you."


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## bossi (12 Aug 2005)

"There are many brave and strong-minded people whom one wouldn't follow on any account - because one doesn't know what they stand for, or where they are going." 

"The beginning of leadership is a battle for the hearts and minds of men." 

"A leader must be one who can be looked up to, whose personal judgement is trusted, who can inspire those he leads, gaining their trust and confidence." 

"The intellectual definition of leadership is the capacity and the will to rally men and women to a common purpose, and the character which will inspire confidence." 

"There is no point in having the capacity if you haven't got the will to use it." 

"Leadership can be developed by training. Soldiers are more likely to follow those in whose military knowledge they have confidence, rather than one with much greater personality but not with the same obvious knowledge of his job. Responsibility brings courage; one has less time to think of one's own fears and thus a greater degree of resolution. Training received from superiors gives confidence in one's ability to deal with any situation." 

[Paraphrased] "Leadership is based on truth and character. A leader must have the force of character necessary to inspire others to follow him with confidence. Character is knowing what you want to do and having the determination to do it, in a way which will inspire confidence in those around you or for whom you are responsible." 

"The final test is how you feel when leaving an interview or conference with him. Have you a feeling of uplift and confidence? Are you clear as to what is to be done, and what is your part of the task? Are you determined to pull your weight in achieving the object?" 

"Get your major purpose clear, take off your plate all which hinders that purpose and hold hard to all which helps it, and then go ahead with a clear conscience, courage, sincerity and selflessness." 

"The ability to concentrate is essential in a leader; the constant exercise of this ability makes him a disciplined human being, enabling him to simplify a problem, to discover the essentials upon which all action must be based and the details which are unimportant." 

"A leader's private life must be above all reproach. The most powerful factor is the sincerity of the man, his example and influence. If a man's private life is not above reproach, those he leads will cease to respect him, will withdraw their confidence so that his leadership loses its effectiveness." 

"It is always a good thing to persuade the soldier that what you want him to do is right." 

"Military command has always required technical skill and spiritual power and quality. Great commanders have had a profound knowledge of the mechanics of war and the stage-management of battle." 

"Military command is, fundamentally, a great human problem and no good results will follow unless there is mutual confidence and sympathy between the known commander and the regimental officers and men - the former being seen frequently in the forward area by the soldiery." 

-- Montgomery


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## SeanPaul_031 (12 Aug 2005)

Bossi ty for those samurai words  >


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## Infanteer101 (12 Aug 2005)

"There is something to be learned from a rainstorm. When meeting with a sudden shower, you try not to get wet and run quickly along the road. But doing such things as passing under the eaves of houses, you still get wet. When you are resolved from the beginning, you will not be perplexed, though you still get the same soaking"---The Hagakure, Yamamoto Tsunetomo.

I read "The Hagakure" prior to going on my QL3 031 a few years back and man did it help knowing that no matter what you'll still end up wet. now on every exercise when the Senior NCOs are using phrases like "When it ain't raining, it ain't training" or the popular Vandoo quote: "Rain is the infantry's sun." I know why...


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## Blakey (12 Aug 2005)

> "Fight like you train, train like you fight"


  ???

Ok, ive seen this around the forum before i somewhat other forms, is this qiote not supposed to be "As You Train So Shall You Fight"?
Or are there many different versions of this?


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## Gunnar (12 Aug 2005)

Yea, though I walk through the valley of Death, I shall fear no evil, for I am the meanest son of a bitch in the valley....


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## Springroll (12 Aug 2005)

Gunnar said:
			
		

> Yea, though I walk through the valley of Death, I shall fear no evil, for I am the meanest son of a ***** in the valley....



I LOVE this one!!! ;D


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## Hunter (12 Aug 2005)

aesop081 said:
			
		

> 2- "Remember that no matter how good-looking she is, someone is tired of putting up with her shyte"



Rolling on the floor laughing me arse off!


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## paracowboy (12 Aug 2005)

"This is gonna suck. Follow me!"


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## Old Ranger (12 Aug 2005)

"Don't give the SOB the satisfaction of knowing he got the best of you!"
(Something like that, Clint Eastwood, Heartbreak Ridge)

"The more you Sweat in Training ;
The Less you Bleed in Combat"
(Tac Gear Advertisement)


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## camochick (12 Aug 2005)

"Get busy living or get busy dying" it's from the shawshank redemption but its a great quote.

"LIfe sucks get a helmet" one of my all time favs, I heard it from a buddy of mine who is in the army. 

"It's better to die on your feet than live on your knees" I think this one is ghandi, but feel free to correct me if i am wrong.


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## bossi (12 Aug 2005)

Blakey said:
			
		

> Ok, ive seen this around the forum before i somewhat other forms, is this qiote not supposed to be "As You Train So Shall You Fight"?
> Or are there many different versions of this?



Yup - it's a recurring theme ...



> The Romans are sure of victory ... for their exercises are battles without bloodshed, and their battles bloody exercises.
> -- Josephus, 37-100 A.D.


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## paracowboy (12 Aug 2005)

from our then Coy clerk to a less-than-stellar young private while on Ex:
"There is a difference between having a vagina, and being a vagina. I fit the former category, you the latter."

(Of course, she didn't use word "vagina".)


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## ExistancE (12 Aug 2005)

bossi said:
			
		

> I'm a quote collector, therefore I'd appreciate knowing the origins of any maxims posted here.
> Thanks!
> 
> And, under the heading of "sleepless at 0330 hrs ... again ..."



I'm fairly certain the first one is By William Blake.

Act in the Valley... was listed as a Danish Proverb
One more minute... listed as Noreweigan
The others were listed as Japanese and of course the last one was listed as a Scottish Proverb... Just found them floating around the net.

Not sure about the fight one. Might have seen it on a t-shirt even.


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## Arctic Acorn (13 Aug 2005)

"Remember: A kick in the ass is a step forward..."

 :dontpanic:


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## fir_na_tine (13 Aug 2005)

camochick said:
			
		

> "It's better to die on your feet than live on your knees" I think this one is ghandi, but feel free to correct me if i am wrong.



Actually I believe that Dolores Ibarruri said that in 1935 or 1936.


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## bossi (13 Aug 2005)

Thanks for the attribution!

"In the World War, nothing was more dreadful to witness than a chain of men starting with a battalion commander and ending with an army commander sitting in telephone boxes ... talking, talking, talking in place of leading, leading, leading."
Major-General J.F.C. Fuller, Generalship: Its Diseases and Their Cure, 1936


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## Black Watch (13 Aug 2005)

We have ennemy on our left, ennemy on our right, ennemy in front of us and ennemy in our back. Ther is only one safe placeur objective!

Major Paul Triquet (deceassed), VC, CMM, CD

Nous sommes prêts


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## bossi (13 Aug 2005)

"Gentlemen, we are being killed on the beaches. Let's go inland and be killed."
-- General Norman Cota (on Omaha Beach, 1944)

"I offer neither pay, nor quarters, nor food; I offer only hunger, thirst, forced marches, battles and death.  Let him who loves his country with his heart, and not merely his lips, follow me." 
-- Giuseppe Garibaldi; Soldier, patriot and uniter of modern Italy.  

I would say to the House, as I said to those who have joined this Government: 'I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears, and sweat'. 
-- Winston Churchill 

A piece of spaghetti, like a military unit, must be lead from the front.
-- General George S. Patton 

"Pride is holding your head up when everyone around you has theirs bowed. Courage is what makes you do it." 
-- Bryce Courtenay, "The Power of One", p. 150

A 'Yes Man' on a staff is a menace to a commander. One with courage of his convictions is an asset. 
-- Maj. Gen. Orlando Ward, 1934

The safety, honour and welfare of your country comes first, always and every time. 
The honour, welfare and comfort of the men you command come next. 
Your own ease, comfort and safety come last, always and every time.
-- Ethos of the Indian Army


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## bossi (14 Aug 2005)

"Waste no time arguing what a good person should be. Be one." 
-- _Marcus Aurelius Antoninus_


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## paracowboy (15 Aug 2005)

"War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things: the decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling that thinks nothing worth a war is worse. A man who has nothing he cares more about than he does his personal safety is a miserable creature who has no chance at being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself." 
- John Stuart Mill

"These are the times that try men's souls. The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of his country; but he that stands now, deserves the thanks of man and woman. Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. Heaven knows how to put a proper price upon its goods; and it would be strange indeed if so celestial an article as freedom should not be highly rated."
- Thomas Paine 

*"People like me do the things I do, so that people like you can continue to do the things you do."
- Johnny Michael Spann, Killed in Action (Afghanistan) 25 November, 2001*

"I love the Infantry because they are the underdogs. They are the mud, rain, frost and wind boys...In the end, they are the guys wars can't be won without!" 
-Ernie Pyle, World War II Correspondent


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## bossi (15 Aug 2005)

The Army taught me some great lessons - to be prepared for catastrophe - to endure being bored - and to know that however fine a fellow I thought myself in my usual routine there were other situations in which I was inferior to men that I might have looked down upon had not experience taught me to look up.
-- Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. (1841-1935)


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## Old Ranger (25 Aug 2005)

Long time ago, in a land far away(Germany I think)

Every night at midnight during a Big EX.  Someone would get on the Radio and say
"Niner...F***-Off...Out"

After a few nights of this the CO, called the entire Group together to complain about this.

"Are you a Man or a Mouse?" he asked.

That night, everyone stayed up to listen.

At Midnight zero one "Niner..this is the Mouse; F***-Off...Out"(complete with Mickey voice)

Was anyone there? too confirm?


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## George Wallace (25 Aug 2005)

Interesting.....Someone just told me that story in Edmonton yesterday.....Deja Vu!


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## Edward Campbell (25 Aug 2005)

True story, from the '60s:   Almost every evening a station would come on the air and the user would just blow, twice, into the mic.   A few seconds later another station would come up and someone would tap either once or twice, two times, and then, just like the first "unknown station", disappear.   It drove the CO and the Ops O and, especially, poor old Pronto, mad.   There were occasional diatribes from 9 and 0 trying to stop these people - all to no avail.

It was in fact Z9 (the CO had two vehicles, a jeep and a Lynx - the one he was in was 9, the other was Z9 - I think that's right, some _Prontos_ can correct me) he was answered by 0B, the DCO's CP usually lounging around A Ech.   The "puff - puff" meant "How do you hear me?   Over" The taps, "click, click - click, click" was the answer: weak (one tap) or loud (two taps) and distorted (one tap) or clear (two taps).

I never had the heart to tell the colonel, who, sadly, we buried just this year, or poor old Pronto.   One of the signalers involved went on to be RSM of one of our battalions.

Another true story, same time and place:   a few of us, led by Maj (later MGen) Howie Wheatly (then OC A Bty/1RCHA, aka G19), used to broadcast the 'thought for the day' every now again, while radios were fairly silent at around 03:00.   The normal call went something like: "All stations, this is unknown station: thought for the day - [Lord Raglan?] tells us that it will be a sad day for British arms when the officers know to well what they are doing," or "All stations this is unknown station: thought for the day - According to [FM Sir John French?] the machine gun has no stopping power against the horse."   The soldiers loved it; Pronto was not amused, not publicly, anyway, but on a few late nights, when he was off on recce, I'm sure I heard his voice saying "All stations, this is unknown station ...."


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## Haggis (25 Aug 2005)

Northern Norway, early in the 80's.

Stuck in a snow covered hide on a crisp winter night, over the Bn net was heard "I'm a happy bear.  Are you a happy bear?".  Several replies of "I'm a happy bear too, are you a happy bear?" were  heard over the next few minutes.  Then the booming voice of callsign 0. "All stations, this is Zero.  Knock that crap off.. OUT!".

A minute or so of silence ticks by followed by one transmission: "I guess he's not a happy bear.".


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## redleafjumper (25 Aug 2005)

The radio stories remind me of one quiet night on Fall ex when these transmissions were heard:

"I'm going effing (expletive) crazy, over!"

"Unknown station, this is Zero, identify over!"

"Not that effing crazy, out!"

I recall a few people crawling out of the red-lit carriers to try to figure out whodunnit, but I never heard!  It sure made people pay attention to the radio a little more closely, at least for a while.


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## Old Sweat (25 Aug 2005)

This one goes back to the FLQ crisis of 1970. 2 RCHA was deployed in Ottawa guarding VIPs with a small detachment with a radio-equipped vehicle at each post. At the time, a popular television program was Green Acres about a big city lawyer and his glamourous socialite wife who abandoned the big city to live on the farm. The plots fell somewhere between infomercials and the Anntiques Road Show in sophistication, but, as I say, it was popular. One of the characters was Arnold the Pig, who mostly walked on and off set, slept, ate and snorted. 

Back to the story, all of these posts were on the regimental net and, except for the odd radio check, there was precious little traffic. So, some of the brighter lights started making pig snorts on the neck. It would be quiet, and then "snort, snort." Unknown Station, This is 0, Stop that immediately, over." "Snort, Snort." Another station, "Snort." There were reminders about voice procedure, there were direct orders, there were threats. Nothing could stop the porcine proceedings.

Finally, the word came that the regiment was returning to Petawawa. Now, some of the VIPs had grown quite attached to the troops. The favourites were the Diefenbakers and the Paul Martin Senior households, both of whom had fixed up, at their own expense little rest areas and could be counted on to produce snacks and hot drinks on cold nights. Mrs Martin was a motherly type who really went out of her way, although she could become over-refreshed on occasion. On the last night, she appeared and asked if she could say goodbye to the boys. The operator handed her the handset and she proceeded to deliver a long, rambling, emotional farewell to "her boys," ending with "and Arnold, I hope they never catch you."


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## redleafjumper (26 Aug 2005)

Danjanou, it could have been lots of folks and I am sure that it was something that was done before!  It sure had me howling when I heard it on the net.  

One other radio conversation that was at least as funny happened during a move... We were with a squadron of leopards and they were under the command of the infantry company commander, who for some reason wasn't getting the same message as everyone else on the company and squadron net. I probably have the c/s wrong (let's assume I have changed them to protect the guilty) but anyway it went something like this:

In a slight Quebecois accent: "India 19 this is Tango 21, request permission to pull out of formation, over."

Silence

In an urgent tone with a more pronounced accent - "India 19 this is Tango 21, request permission to pull out of formation immediately, over."

yet again silence

Really desperate tone and accent now - "India 19, India 19 this is Tango 21, we need to pull off of formation now over!"

"India 19 this is India 11, Tango 21 is trying to call you and asks to drop out of formation, over."

"Roger India 11, Tango 21 this is India 19, what is your problem over?"

In a rapid desperate voice with strong accent - "My gunner he has thrown up all over in the turret of the tank, it is a big mess and we are all of us ready to be sick, can we please stop, over!?"

With a calm steady voice, scarce heard amid the laughter from the column of armoured vehicles the response came:  

"India 19, roger T21 how long do you expect to take over"

With rapidly deteriorating radio procedure: "I don't know, it is really bad and he has just been sick again, can we please stop over!"

"India 19, Roger T21 do think you will need any assistance, over?"

"No, no we just need to stop!  Everyone is getting sick, over"

"Roger T21, catch up to us at the leaguer, go ahead and clean yourselves up, India 19, out!"

When they showed up at our next stop a few of us went over to take a look and the lads were using a mop to swab out the tank.  They sure looked pale and they took a lot of ribbing for having the overproof ammunition stored in their ready racks.  I am nearly certain that the company commander knew all along what the problem was, but drew out the misery to give the rest of us a bit of enjoyment and the hungover tanker and his crew a bit of stress.


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## bcbarman (26 Aug 2005)

That was great, some of the funniest stories that I have heard in a long time.

Can't leave without one of my own:

MCpl: Troops, I cannot give you pushups as a punisment, but I can give them as a reward,  and I am now going to give you the reward of upper body strength 

Troops to 25 pushups

MCpl: Course senior, do you feel stonger

Course Senior: yes MCpl

MCpl: good here is your course senoir book

MCpl slams book into course senior hands, of course, with shaky hands and the velocity that the book came into his hands, he could not grab it

MCpl: Not Stong Enough, more pushups


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## I_Drive_Planes (26 Aug 2005)

During my short time on IAP, my entirely francophone course staff (with the exception of the platoon commander) made for a few good ones.

First was Sgt. O "If you want to pass this course, you 'ave to work like a teamwork, because if you don't work like a teamwork you'll fail this course." and it went on, everything was "You need to start working like a teamwork" and "if you would work like a teamwork, you would find this a lot easier"

Then a couple from Sgt. C "If you don't wash your clothes you will stink like, like ..... how do you say in english....... stink like rooster dink?" and one day when the entire platoon was having a bad day at drill and he was screaming at us, and was so angry that he didn't have the words in english to express himself so he had one of our bilingual members step forward to translate and what came out was "Do underestimate my imbecility!"   his tone at the time made it easy to keep a straight face, but we had a good chuckle afterward.

My favorite though was from WO S., when inspecting one of the pods (not mine) he finds a single bit of paper in the garbage can in one of the bathrooms, he ceremoniously raises the can above his head, turns it over allowing the paper to fall to the floor, and booms "Whoever puts garbage in the garbage can should be f*cking crucified!"

I became fully bilingual in profanity when I was there, and it was truly memorable when the course staff would mix the french and english swear words together.

Planes


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## Infanteer101 (26 Aug 2005)

Just saw this forum, thought I'd mention one of mine. This was a couple of years back on a training exercise on one of my courses.

After a 48 hr force on force patrolling exercise and being lost for over 6 hrs my section commander decides he want to be found, so he sends out a call for radio check prior to asking for a rescue party...radio check goes out but no response is given, 5 min later he tries again, this time desperately...

"Hotel Quebec 1 this is Alpha 2, require assistance over"

Nothing heard on the net...he tries a third time...

"Hotel Quebec 1 this is Alpha 2, I say again I require assistance over"

Nothing heard on the net, so this time he decides to go postal...

"Hotel Quebec 1 this is Alpha 2, I'm fu**ing lost, somebody please respond, I'm tingly over."

This time he gets a response...

"Alpha 2, Holy Jes*s first off get a hold of yourself and keep the f**k off the comm and second, maintain radio silence while taking care of your tingles, if I hear even a peep from you, you will wish that you were still lost!"

"This is Alpha 2, identify over."

"Alpha 2, trust me tomorrow you will know exactly who I am, I suggest that you spend the next two hrs praying to God or getting found, because I will find YOU!"

The section commander hands his comm over to the 2IC and retires into the tree line.

Whilst everyone is laughing their as*es off, the culprit comes out of the tree line from the west side, turns out it was our own radio guy (we had two radios for this ex) who was relieving himself for a good 20 mins while all this was going on. He asks if it was our section that was lost and we confirm. He says "oopsy!" and says "Well I found a way back to the RV from Bravo 4". Needless to say we informed the section commander that we had a fix on our RV and that if he headed out now we could make it in 1 hr 10. We humped it back, only to find that the poor bastard was a nervous wreck. He reports to the HQ Duty Officer and says "Sir I am ready to be disciplined." The Duty Officer says "Huh?" "Sir, the call 3 hrs ago, my section was lost." He replies "Son there was no call, now go get some chow." He comes out a little confused and continues with the rest of the daily activity.

Turns out that in his desperation he switched on to another frequency and our radio guy was listening to radio chatter on different frequencies for entertainment during his relieving session...and even now has never been found out.

That would have to be one of the most memorable stories on training, hope all of you enjoyed that one! Cheers!


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## LegomyArty (26 Aug 2005)

Said by my grand fathers Medical officer to an unknown seargent:

What happened to you, and how do I fix it?


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## Danjanou (26 Aug 2005)

redleafjumper said:
			
		

> Danjanou, it could have been lots of folks and I am sure that it was something that was done before!   It sure had me howling when I heard it on the net.



You know you're bringing back long repressed memories here old buddy (and negating years of expensive therapy ;D). My section commander wouldn't let me near with the radio, now I know why. 

BTW remember the CSM and the rabid fox?


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## Lost_Warrior (26 Aug 2005)

Radio stories were the best.

I remember one in ValCartier during one of my courses.  We were setup with our CP freq on our manpack and the freq of range control on another.   One night, one of the guys from my section was set to the ValCartier range control freq and didnt realize it.  The night went on with our position getting attacked.  He called in the contact reports hoping to get help...all he got was range control confusion.   It was one of those things where you had to be there I guess...

It was funny watching him explain to the officer the next morning how he was talking to range control all night instead of the CP..


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## dan-o-mac (28 Aug 2005)

Not sure if this is a valid quote but I found it pretty funny while skimming through the forum today, feel free to delete it if its inappropriate:

"Does anyone have a picture of this stealth suit??"

"If we did, it wouldn't be working, would it?   " 

"Good one  ;D "

Dan


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## boehm (28 Aug 2005)

I heard this one on the grenade range, it has to be the weirdest quote I have ever heard!!

"What are you doing Pte *****!"

"I am trying to burn the peanut butter off my pants MCpl."


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## pronto (28 Aug 2005)

Heard in Shilo '79:

All stations this is unknown station...
<said in a terrible German accent>:
"Zere ver two peanuts walking down the strasse, und one of them was assaulted".... "Peanut" 

The pause between "assaulted" and "peanut" grew to over four hours between May and August.

The last one heard was "peanut" about two minutes before the start of a battle run at 07:30 - the start of the joke was send at 01:45. It was slipped in between real messages, and the Pronto at the time (me) was totally not expecting it. 

I fell out of my chair I laughed so hard. As I was the only one who spoke german in the area, I was, at the time relaying in a German CP surrounded by Germans, speaking German, when the ghost of Heinrich Himmler slipped in between the ariwaves to whisper "Peanut". They never figured it out.

Cheers
Pronto


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## GO!!! (28 Aug 2005)

Once upon a time in a training area far, far away, a young platoon comd who was in good shape, tried to do a 3km flanking in 9 mins with his entire platoon in tow, forgetting that they had things like 84mm, eryx's, C6s, mortars and radios. 

He ran so far and so fast that it was him and him alone on the assault line when the time came. The grand pubaa was unimpressed, as was his RSM, who implied to the young platoon commander's signaller a remedy to this affliction of "lightloadalitus".

The very next day, the young platoon commander had a busy day of commanding, and found himself greatly fatigued, on that evening, returning to his hootch. Upon dropping his webbing and NBC bag, he heard a strange "clunk". Further investigation revealed a great quantity of rocks, carfully placed so as to avoid detection.

No word on if his affliction was cured.


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## redleafjumper (31 Aug 2005)

CSM and the rabid fox?  Gosh Danjanou, I don't remember that one, though there is something in the grey matter about a fox...  Nope, guess I need a memory refresher on that one!


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## Danjanou (31 Aug 2005)

Details are a bit hazy here too, hey it's been what 25 years now. Seems to me at one of those pointless defensive positions complete with mine tape trenches that a fox or at least rumours of a fox moving around the coy lines and the zulu harbour. Things escalated and soon it was a rabid fox. This led to some members of the coy HQ were barricading themselves in the CP until the CSM led a clearing patrol out to seek and destroy that pesky Warsaw Pact Spetnaz fox.

Personally I bet it was one of those mouse deer, they were always around. I remember one scaring the crap out of me one night hen it came out of the bushes and literally leapt over the barrel of the .50.

(wife wonders why I can remember stuff like this and forget to pick up milk on the way home from work :-[)


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## shadowspar (7 Sep 2005)

OK, I had to register just so I could add a few I've heard.

From QL2:

QM Sgt:  Private, can you count?
Pte:  Yes, Sergeant!
QM Sgt:  I'll be the f***ing judge of that.

Section 2IC:  Teamwork!  You guys gotta have teamwork.  If you don't have teamwork, you're just a bunch of street punks with clean weapons.


The reg force instructors on our QL3 weren't impressed with the poor physical conditioning of their reserve candidates.  About 80% of the class fell out during our first PT run, and as we wheezed and panted back at the barracks, one of the Sergeants lambasted us in his thick french accent:  "You guys don't wanna try on PT?  Well I can stand here and make you do poosh-up all night if you want!  ... because I have no life!  I live in the shacks, just like you.  I own a pair of running shoes and a car...and the car ain't go nowhere in tree weeks!"


First morning of CAC, all the FOO parties have to head back to base for an early-morning refresher on laser rangefinder safety.  None of us passed a particularly restful night and apparently we were all giving the AIG the thousand-meter stare -- right in the middle of lecturing on about the Nominal Ocular Hazard Distance (NOHD), he stopped and blurted out, "Why are you guys all looking at me like I've got a toaster on my head?"


Finally, some Bdrs and Cpls were in the midst of their JLC course during our weapons refresher training, so the Sgts decided to give them a crack at performing inspections.

Bdr:  Did you shave this morning, Gunner?
Me:  Yes, Bombardier!
Bdr:   Did you shower?
Me:  Yes, Bombardier!
Bdr:  Did you wash your hair?
Me:  Yes, Bombardier!
Bdr:  Did you wash your face?
Me:  Yes, Bombardier!
Bdr:  Did you wash your hands?
Me:  Yes, Bombardier!
Bdr:  Did you wash your feet?
Me:  Yes, Bombardier!
Bdr:  Did you wash your crotch?
Me:  Yes, Bombardier!
Bdr:  Did you notice anyone who didn't?
Me:  Uhh...no, Bombardier!


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## DG-41 (7 Sep 2005)

Supposedly from RRMC:

Young First Year is getting drill instruction and having a hell of a time. Veddy British RSM is watching from a distance, finally gets fed up, and stops over. Pokes him in the chest with his pace stick, and yells "Bloody Helly Juniour Cadet! There's shit on the end of my pace stick!"

Quick thinking cadet: "Which end, Sir?"

From the subgenre of "mistaking transmit from intercom on the presso switch"

The PEIR did an ARCON in Bisons (which make awesome recce vehicles) We're all lined up, three troops across, on a ridgeline in Gagetown, as the sun breaks over the horizon. Just before H-Hour, over the radio comes "Driver prepare to reverse, driver reverse" and almost the whole Regiment backs off the ridgeline in unison. 

Also from that ex "Hey, are you going to eat that last egg?"

DG


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## George Wallace (7 Sep 2005)

Arguing with an Infantryman is like wrestling with a Pig.

You both get dirty.

But the Pig loves it.


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## Burden (7 Sep 2005)

-One morning during inspection a Mcpl's phone rings and says "Do you know who that is? Thats the unsatisfactory police calling to tell you that your room is unsatisfactory."

-"Do you know what happens when people are late? People die"
("People die" was usally the answer to alot of questions)

-"Those are'nt dust bunnies. Their dust rhinos"


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## redleafjumper (8 Sep 2005)

I thought artillerymen viewed other artillerymen (enemy ones that is), as primary targets and called that counterbattery.


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## jaawod (10 Sep 2005)

Shouted at our basic platoon by one of our drill instructor's:

"When you are at the position of attention you do not move!  I don't care if seagulls fly down from the sky and peck out your ****ing eyeballs, you do not move!"

Heard during inspection:

"What the hell is this?"
"A dust bunny MCpl"
"You know pets aren't authorized in the barracks!"

I have more but i'll have to try and remember them


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## Old Ranger (10 Sep 2005)

One Range Weekend up in Borden;
I had permission to arrive late.
I just got settled for bed in the old S-136
And my W.O.### charged into the room and asked if I had been
DeBriefed.

Standing in my Boxers (Killer Bunnies to be exact)

"I certainly hope not, sir.  But I have been told what the plan is"

All that weekend "Range, 100 yards, Squad of Killer Bunnies..."


----------



## Tornado (10 Sep 2005)

While Parliament was deliberating on whether or not to join the U.S. and U.K. in Iraq, my rather concerned parents had called me and asked, "So, do you think you guys will be going to Iraq?"

Without hesitation I replied, "I suppose, if there's a seat sale."

Got them laughing and put their minds at ease.

Comedy is much funnier when it's true. Sad, eh? 

Take Care


----------



## Bograt (10 Sep 2005)

I have a couple. I'll give a couple.

In Farnum, during February, minus 37, 4 AM, there is a stand too. After 15 minutes of lying prone in the snow with little on, the O'cdt next to me asks "Hey Bograt, Are you cold?"

While on a 10 km run, looking and noticing the PO is huffing a little harder than the rest, it was heard "Don't worry PO, we will finish this together..."

My favorite however was: "Congratulations Ocdt Bograt, your wife had the baby today. A boy. Both are doing great."


----------



## Yeoman (11 Sep 2005)

while playing enemy force for stalwart guardian earlier this year I had several incidents with the radio
we had one guy, brand new to the battalion, not even a week in yet. gets thrown into the lav to do cp stuff before they roar in for the attack. while doing radio checks with him in the lav all we hear is "zulu out" for everything. needless to say he got called zulu for the rest of the ex.
another night my buddy was doing Company CP stuff as the OC and CSM slept in the same building as us, but at the same time he was also a sub call sign (so he was both 59 and 52)
while on the position we would just call him 52 rather then 59, and we were trying to pass along some info to him just so he knew what was going on back there. trying to get a hold of him, he wouldn't answer, do it again, wouldn't answer. Finally he gets on the net "52alpha this is 59 I will relay the message to 52". he then proceeds to begin and attempt to pass the message along to himself. We let him attempt it, then curse himself out and out the message. after laughing for a good ten minutes about it, we got back on and informed him he was both 52 and 59. still haven't let him down for that yet.
Greg


----------



## Old Ranger (21 Sep 2005)

Officer: Hey Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Cpl: Sure thing Buddy.
Officer: Cpl is that any way to speak to an Officer? Now let's try this again.  
          Do you have change for a dollar?

Cpl: No Sir!


----------



## reccecrewman (21 Sep 2005)

Course Warrant to Candidate who attempted to form his beret the wrong way;

Pvt. ______________!!!!!! You're as fu**ed up as a football bat! I'm not even going to bother with you!


----------



## JDFreeSoul (22 Sep 2005)

While talking with a buddy...
"Where the **** the sun has gone again, it seemed to be sunny this morning..."
A Lieutnant was passing by...
"Don't you know yet son... the sun's like you, he's afraid of Hell"

While a Private was sat down having a hard time a SGT came and halted straight by his side...
"I bet you always wanted to be somebody important soldier... well you are now, but you, you should've been more specific..."

I admit it was awful but still funny.


----------



## Nemo888 (22 Sep 2005)

MP: "You just ran through that stop sign. You didn't stop you just slowed down."
Pte: "Stopped slowed down, whats the difference."
MP: "If I take out my nightstick and start beating you do you want me to stop or just slow down?"


----------



## CANSIGS (22 Sep 2005)

Assumption is the Mother of all *uckups

Never assume, it makes an Ass of you and me and I dont like
being called an Ass, now get down and give me 50


----------



## redleafjumper (23 Sep 2005)

One of my favourites I originally heard from a distinguished LCol of the PPCLI the morning after the night before:

"Gentlemen, I regret to inform you that your plot to assassinate me last night has failed."


----------



## Gramps (23 Sep 2005)

Okay one more. SSM: "What are you doint bleeding all over my parade square? Get the F*&% out of my sight and don't come back!"

One of the newer troopies who was not totally confident with the C7 had managed to cut his nose open with the front sight while doing a present arms, his day got worse from there on in.


----------



## mainerjohnthomas (25 Sep 2005)

We had one recruit on his QL1 that had consistent problems with his turnout for inspection, he managed to have something unbuttoned, dangling, off center, missing etc every single day, even with half the course checking him over before he left the barracks.  One one memorable day Pte D______ had everything corrected before inspection, and the course Sgt was impressed.
   "By god Pte D______, not bad" he said giving him the once over.
    after stopping to give him a second look, and admiring his turnout and (rare) utter stillness he continued
   "Pte D______, its a damn good thing I'm not Navy, or I'd take you right here on the parade square"
Pte D_____ froze, but some of the rest of us cracked and laughed, followed by the Sgts usual request for "many, many pushups".


----------



## FormerHorseGuard (25 Sep 2005)

fav quote i have heard of trg recruits.

there was this recruit on my  gmt, basic, and ql3 inf, weekend res course . no matter who gave the poor guy  drill lessons,  they  would come out very  creative  words of encouragement trying to get him to march in step with the cadence.  no matter what  the trick was tried he failed it.   broom handles were used, ropes, you name it. he just could not get it right.
finally the A Coy  SSM  decided it was his turn to try and teach this young soldier how to march.  he finally  got results after using ever F word combination and  a few new ones he did not know  he had the young soldier walking in step to the cadence the SSM was calling out. 
this young recruit was like 19 years old, 6'2" plus 140 pounds soaking wet, tried hard just could not get it. The SSM marched him around and around the parade square in the armouries. everyone was out of the messes, BOR, offices and classrooms to see what  the SSM was calling down to the lowest. 
But he finally got march down and the SSM was marching him right towards the rear door that  went to the bar area of the JR 's Mess and the SSm thought the recruit would stop about 3 feet away  from the door and mark time , trying to stay in step but the recruit was so excited that  he was actually  marching in step he marched right in the wall and  kept on going. 

you had to be there to see the look on the SSM ( i never saw the look) i was too busy  trying to face the wall as I marched... all you heard all over the armouries , even the CO came out to see what  the screaming was about. PRIVATE W......... WHAT  THE F............. DID YOU DO TO THAT  F............ WALL     F....... BULLSHIT .DID NO ONE HERE TEACH YOU  TO MARK  F............ TIME.  GET THE F............... OFF MY  F............. PARADE SQUARE AND DO NOT COME BACK ON IT TONIGHT IF YOU WANT TO SEE F.................... TOMORROW.

I never did forget that quote. at least one other poster here should remember that  night after all he was teaching on my  course. 
i never did learn to march right. or in step i was always out of step


----------



## Reccesoldier (25 Sep 2005)

On fall Ex in Germany (think it was 88) during an attack Zero looses control of the Bde.

LCol Taylor (8CH) hops on the means.

"Zero this is niner tango... you get a grip on this jug-fu<k or I will...out."



(Comments with overt sexual connotations removed by Moderator)


----------



## NATO Boy (26 Sep 2005)

My PL Warrant's first words while introducing himself outside to Demo Support on ARC 05...

"Everybody grab a piece of Canada and sit down."


----------



## Daidalous (26 Sep 2005)

Moring inspection   during battle school

Pte  cuts himself while shaving.  the Mcpl walked up"  Is the pressure getting to you?  Cant hack it?  Do you just think deep down inside to end it?"   turns to the rest of us "We issued you a rifle and a bayoneet  and he uses a razor!"


----------



## Polish Possy (6 Oct 2005)

Heard this one yesterday ...... 

while in lecture for my Co-op course

Bombardier: you cadets have no sense of humour ..... I am going to get you some T.I.C.'s and issue you one !

and 

Bombardier: For this course it will be mandatory to watch Saturday Night Fever and Full Metal Jacket!
Me : Why Saturday night fever Bombardier ?!
Bombardier: because you cadets don't know how to properly fold your collars !


----------



## TFMO (7 Oct 2005)

Wait for me....I'm your leader! - unnamed crse senior.


----------



## Gramps (7 Oct 2005)

His men would only follow him out of a morbid sense of curiosity. (I cant remember where this one came from but I like it)

I wouldn't follow him in to a freaking bathroom let alone an Operational Theater (Me to a few of my coworkers).


----------



## George Wallace (7 Oct 2005)

Frustrated RCR Sgt teaching Drill:

"I'll march you around in ever diminishing circles until you disappear up your own Ring Pieces!"


----------



## redleafjumper (7 Oct 2005)

A course D/S with a sense of sarcasm liked these ones (and there are certainly more variants):

Shake your head, does it sound like a pebble in a box car?


Shake your head, hear anything?  That's 'cause there's nothing in there!


----------



## Polish Possy (8 Oct 2005)

- Holy **** I could repel with that lose tread

*while holding our right arms striaght out *  for like 10 minutes at least

Bombardier: WHAT IS SO FUNNY ?

Me : I just Imagnined a giant bird on my arm swaking in my ear  Bombardier !


----------



## NavyGirl280 (13 Oct 2005)

"Be the change that you wish you see in the world"

"Life is not measured but the number of breaths you take, but by the number of things that take your breath away"


----------



## Old Ranger (13 Oct 2005)

NavyGirl280 said:
			
		

> "Be the change that you wish you see in the world"
> 
> Nooobody go for the Three Dollar Coin!!!
> 
> ...


----------



## NavyGirl280 (13 Oct 2005)

Thanks Old Ranger ... needed a good laugh

*Never thought if it that way, I suppose*

Take care 'til next time

S.Bradbury


----------



## nsmedicman (21 Oct 2005)

When I did my QL2 in 2001 (for the 2nd time in 10 years.....long story), we had a course WO that I believe was ex-PPCLI. He had biceps bigger than my legs, and had a quick wit to go with it. It got to a point soon after the course started that everytime I would look at him I would start giggling. A few of my favorites:

" If you ever do that again, I'll be all over you like a soup sandwich!!!"

" You are the reason some animals eat their young!!!"

" That fold in the bed is supposed to be twelve inches nummer! Do you think it is? How about I whip out my johnson and prove someone wrong!!!"


----------



## nsmedicman (21 Oct 2005)

I have other movie favorites:

Clint Eastwood - Heartbreak Ridge:

" You ever pull a stunt like that again, and the only thing that will beat you to the brig is the ambulance you'll be travelling in"

Sam Neil (SM Plumley) - We Were Soldiers:

"Good Morning Sgt Major"
"How do you know what kind of g*****n day it is!"

"Beautiful day Sgt Major"
"What are you, the f*****g weather man now?"


----------



## 3rd Horseman (25 Oct 2005)

These two quotes are from a Snr NCO who could not speak english very well and were directed at his recruits who were jerking around, first one on the parade square last one to a question of the instructor about his poor math result.

"Those of you with nothing to do ...start"

"You tell me I know F**k nothing ...I tell you I know F**k all"


----------



## Ex-Pat Army (26 Oct 2005)

"What did you do to your glengarry Vandermortal, DID YOU TAKE A HAMMER TO IT!" Argyll Sr. NCO 1990's (Scottish accent)

"Don't you tell me about S.O.P's, You don't know S.O.P's like I know S.O.P's" Another wing nut (as above)

"There's a party in the woods, bring a woman if you can. If ye cannae bring a woman, bring a hairy arsed Mann" As related one dark night at A Five fingers place on another reality. Similar speaker if not the same as above.

and the winner is..

(Callsign 4-9er over heard speaking on radio)
"Six this is 4-9er send over", "Roger six, got it stop throwing rocks, out"
(Yells) Four Platoon, the QOR are coming up at us...THROW ROCKS!!!" - S.J. 1985


----------



## Hill677 (30 Oct 2005)

For a common cause they gave thier lives, For themselves they Won the crown that never Fades ..!!! We Will Remember Them..!!!!!


----------



## a_majoor (2 Nov 2005)

Shameless self promotion: myself teaching a MITSIP course many eons ago

*"Marching is like walking. If you can walk, you can march. If you can't walk, you shouldn't be here!"*


----------



## spud (2 Nov 2005)

During inspection the MCPL says after looking at a girlfriends picture "any mug that ugly should have a handle on it"

and 

Different MCPL concerning taking a wife/girlfriend out to the bars "taking a girl with you is like taking a sandwich to a banquet. You wouldn't do that either would you?"


----------



## Ex-Pat Army (2 Nov 2005)

"what's that on your head Vannooten?" "...Apparently not my hat MCpl" - Militia summer course morning inspection.

"That kid could figure out the square root of a pickle jar, but couldn't tie his shoe laces" Pl WO to Pl Comdr. (re: same Kid)


----------



## Hunter (2 Nov 2005)

On BMQ, my section commander providing some positive feedback when I found myself a bit confused about radio procedure..

"Hunter, get yourself unf#cked RIGHT NOW!"


----------



## buzgo (2 Nov 2005)

Heard on a range weekend when I was in the reserves, from an MWO:

"We're going to rv for breakfast ot oh-seven-double-bubble."

to which one of my buddies replied:

"Okily-dokily"

hehe


----------



## geo (2 Nov 2005)

Hmmm... RQ to the hapless middle rank customer.....

Piss poor planning on your part does not make an emergency on our part..........
wait your turn!


----------



## NiTz (2 Nov 2005)

During an inspection on my BMQ, my Mcpl asked me what name he should call me (I have two names). So I said : I dont mind, call me the one you want, Mcpl. Then he said : come here , scumbag! Don't ever give me the fucking choice of the name i'm gonna call you again, or you may not like the fucking answer!

me, trying not to laugh : 'yes Mcpl!'


Of course, it happenned in french so I translated it the best I could.... aahh good times!

Cheers!

Nitz


----------



## little jim (3 Nov 2005)

I got this from Matt Fisher, it's from one of his posts on the recce vehicle thread and cracks me up - he is poking at our preception of superiority


"Americans are dumb, Canadians are smart, if we didn't have a small population and beer and hockey were never invented to distract us, we'd rule the world..."


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## nsmedicman (9 Nov 2005)

This one is from "Bomber Boys" on the History Network. The Sgt after seeing how well one of his recruits can shoot on the range


"Godfried, you are a feather plucked from the wings of the angel of death!"


----------



## Big Foot (10 Nov 2005)

"Walk in step, taber-slack!"
"I would sooner put my wife and kids in CMTT than my rucksack."
Both attributed to one R22eR MWO.


----------



## DVessey (10 Nov 2005)

From  one of my BOTP Sgt.s, ex-airborne, now PPCLI:

Take away peanut butter and the word fuck and I'd starve to death and wouldn't be able to tell anyone about it

I've got a university degree... a degree in common sense.


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## Polish Possy (21 Nov 2005)

" alright we will play rank poker, I see your no chevrons and I will rasie you my two "

and

" wow you can find the back barring and the distance but you can't find the off button"

this was adressed to me by a Sgt on a gps exercise


in my defence I was freezing and I spoke with out thinking..... do that alot .. heh heh  :-\


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## PPCLI MCpl (21 Nov 2005)

Polish Possy said:
			
		

> " alright we will play rank poker, I see your no chevrons and I will rasie you my two "



I prefer a rousing game of "Paper, rock, rank..."


----------



## Docherty (22 Nov 2005)

After we had inspection another Sgt came along and he thought he had to inspect us too, me being the course senior I got called.

Sgt: "Docherty run like you are on fire!"
Me: So I run down the stairs like a numpty.
Sgt: Stop, Drop and Roll!
Me: I looked at the Sgt and he looked serious, so I hit the floor and started rolling around.
Sgt: Get up you are going to get me charged!
*** We walk into another room, and the troops are starting to clean up.
Sgt: Is this lock part of the layout?
Me: No Sgt, it's not.  We have already been inspected and have been instructed to clean up.
Sgt: I am all ****** up this morning.
Me: It's ok Sgt.


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## geo (23 Nov 2005)

I came,
I saw and
now I'm leaving

(sorry Caesar )


----------



## Black Watch (23 Nov 2005)

vedi, venni, vicci (I saw, I came, I conquered) Modern:Vedi, vicci, venni...


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## SprCForr (24 Nov 2005)

While on Range 1 in WATC with a Res QL2 crse:

Pl WO: Without a doubt Pte "X" you are the embodiment of the next Clock Tower sniper!

Pte "X" to his buddy: Did you hear that?! The WO just called _me_ a _sniper_! Cool!


----------



## Manimal (14 Jan 2006)

rifles on S for function test, one rifles fires. Cpl runs over "oh, that's the other safe, the one where it's safe when you run out of rounds" rifle of course on automatic!


----------



## Manimal (14 Jan 2006)

ok one more.

the Mcpl is teaching the detailed strip, and what to use the oil on, and what not too, and kept telling us to treat it like a lady.
he told us not to jam the cocking handle in, when it falls out, but to push it in nice and gentle, and all that nice stuff. refering to the rifle as a lady again.

later when dealing with the spring, and it's whole.... he told use we don't need to oil that, and to just 'jam our fingers in with a swab to clean it" it's late sunday on the weekend BMQ and i lose it. he loOKs at me, and i say "so we are to jam our fingers in without lube now?" a damn nasty look from the Mcpl, not for my comment, but because he didn't think of it first.


----------



## SHELLDRAKE!! (14 Jan 2006)

Bosnia 1994, Jean Chretien (with helmet on backwards) decides to use the radio in Canbat 2 to call out to the OP's. "Hallo dis is Canada one, how do you ear me?" 

 An unidentified OP replies over the air "not too good, maybee you should buy us better radios"


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## Manimal (16 Jan 2006)

we had a Mcpl pull out his cell phone and dialed the privates mom's number to get comfirmation that she had taught him how to dress!
the Mcpl would not take the privates word for it.

it's one of those things you had to be there for, but it was funny as hell.


----------



## c.jacob (18 Jan 2006)

Heard one morning during reveille:

 "Drop your c*cks and grap your socks."


  One time on a cadet FTX a lietenant was trying to call a Captain over the radio.  The captain didn't have the radio on the right channel and couldn't figure out how to change it.  The next thing we heard was the lieutenant communicating instructions over the radio on how to get on the right channel.


----------



## 3rd Herd (18 Jan 2006)

There are several memorable quotes from this discussion in the early 1980's:

Pte Bloggins: 'Sargent Major, permission to take out the Sargent Major's daughter'

Sgt. Major: 'Gee, Pte Bloggins I never figured you for having enough balls to ask and now that you have just proved to me that you indeed have some, permission denied'

Sgt Major's daughter: 'DADDDDDDDDDDDDY' you promised that if he asked it would be okay'

Sgt Major: 'on a careful reconsideration of the situation,yes you may date my 
daughter Pte. Blogins and if there should be a situation in the future where a daring thrust should be the correct course of action "make da*m sure it is  an armoured thrust" Mrs. Sargent Major and myself are too old to be changing diapers on new recruits" due to an unprotected attack in the heat of battle, after all she is her mothers daughter'


----------



## axeman (19 Jan 2006)

SHELLDRAKE!! said:
			
		

> Bosnia 1994, Jean Chretien (with helmet on backwards) decides to use the radio in Canbat 2 to call out to the OP's. "Hallo dis is Canada one, how do you ear me?"
> 
> An unidentified OP replies over the air "not too good, maybee you should buy us better radios"



well its not a quote but i was there at OP mike when he pulled up with his helmet on backwards , that was funny and sad too that he did not realize everyones else was different . and then it makes the front page everywhere as the face of canada


----------



## fourninerzero (19 Jan 2006)

Sgt "Evening private, how are you"
Pte "Very well Sergeant"
Sgt "Do you actually think I care? the answer is no, but its a good way to get the night rolling. more work on the boots."

This exchange took place at the end of SQ, while waiting in like to turn in weapons.
Course CQ- "You know what Private FourNinerZero? Your an arrest waiting to happen. you just need to be at the right place at the right time for the proper authorities to catch you and deliever you to the jail time so oh so richly deserve."
Pte FourNinerZero- "why, Im flattered CQ"
CQ- "Fuck you FourNinerZero. now turn in that gun"


Edited to add more


----------



## Sig_Des (19 Jan 2006)

WO walks into the room for inspection. "How are you, troops?"

all four of us respond together "Just Splendid, Warrant"

Warrant stops, turns around and stares at us. "Did you practice that?"

all four of us "Yes, Warrant"

"Good" walks out without looking at anything


----------



## c_canuk (19 Jan 2006)

not so much a quote, but an amusing story

we're cleaning our room at the last minute before inspection of course, and from somewhere one of my roomates finds like a 1/2" inch pile of dirt just as we hear "ROOM" from the end of the hall. he quickly sweeps the pile to the edge of his bunk, puts the broom up on the top shelf in the cupboard above his bed and stands at attention right on top of the pile....

now naturally not a single one of us except him can maintain a straight face as the instructors walk in.

All their attention is on us sniggering, the berating comences and continues for a minute or two, while we try to regain our composure until on of the instructors twigs to what we are laughing about...

"On Pace Forward March!"

"frig, bunch of peanuts complete with your own frigging pig pen!"


----------



## Polish Possy (22 Jan 2006)

Just after I accidently tipped over the mop bucket when I was moping in the mess

MCPL - " What THE F*Ck do you think your doing ....... if I wanted a pool I would have ordered you to build one"


----------



## gnplummer421 (24 Jan 2006)

I didn't go through all of the posts, but here's one;

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy"

Cheers :cheers:


----------



## The Anti-Royal (25 Jan 2006)

WO:  Did you press those pants this morning, Mr. XXXXX?
OCdt:  Yes, Warrant Officer
WO:  Next time, put a few more rocks in your mess tins


----------



## medicineman (25 Jan 2006)

Allegedly from a British Army officer's PER - 

"This officer will forever try to push his way through doors that require pulling to open."

MM


----------



## CdnArtyWife (25 Jan 2006)

After having lost a scope, a compas and a pair of night vision goggles while in the field, a fellow on course with my hubby was asked by the crse officer:

"Ocdt Bloggins, does serialized kit burn your skin?!?"


----------



## Jonny Boy (27 Jan 2006)

History will be kind to me, For i intend to write it. - Winston Churchill


----------



## redleafjumper (27 Jan 2006)

"WO so and so's been around so long that when God said 'Let there be light', he flipped the switch."


----------



## Thompson_JM (27 Jan 2006)

Cpl Bloggins has been in so long he Field tested the Ross Rifle and has chariot on his 404's


cheers

     Josh


----------



## Hardrations (31 Jan 2006)

My favourite made by the BSM of 2 SSM (Trg) Bty RCA. (Yeah I go back that far)

MORTON!!!  You do that again. I'll drive this drill cane so far up your arse, YOU'LL think you have a mouth full of gold.


----------



## Arctic Acorn (1 Feb 2006)

I remember a Newfie CSM from a course I took last year that used to like saying, 

"Ah F^%$ 'em....they got their ponchos"


----------



## mainerjohnthomas (1 Feb 2006)

When the decision came down from on high that the Human Rights Act would apply to soldiers we were on parade right after the subject came up in the mess, and one of our Mcpl felt compelled to comment on it to the new smarta$$ no-hook Pte's.
     "Some of you a$$wipes have heard about all the horrible things we can't do to you anymore because the Human Rights Act applies to soldiers.  Since you're all too Fu*#ed-up to be human, and too slack and idle to be soldiers, then I guess none of you have to worry"
     You could feel the smarta$$ smug security falling from the recruits like leaves in a hurricane, it was sweet.


----------



## mainerjohnthomas (7 Feb 2006)

When I was on my 052 QL1,  doing pole climbing our NCO was a square little francophone with an accent think enough to stop a .50 cal and a sarcastic streak.  When one of us would forget to use our safety belt he would yell up at us:
    "Jesus was a lineman eh?  If you don' do up that fuggin belt, I t'ink meybee you be fininishing this fuggin course wi' him eh?" ;D


----------



## armchair (10 Feb 2006)

When I was young I asked an Uncle who serviced in the Canada Army in WWII He severed in Sicily Italy and NW Europe.He did not talk
to much about the war.
But when I asked him what Italy was like he said (Big Busted girls and bad wine)
The other thing I asked him was, if he was at the front.(No not much time at the front .............no we were all ways ahead of it)
he then said he was a signalman with the Forward Artillery Observers


----------



## NavalGent (10 Feb 2006)

gervais182 said:
			
		

> I've heard this one from my BF while he was in exercise in Farnham during BOTP (I will try to textualise the french accent as best I can) This is what a member of the staff said to get the troops moving.
> 
> "Urrry up esti!  di ennemi is coming-eh!" ... I laugh real hard when he does the immitation for me!   ;D



Ah, yes, I was there so I'll add some context. This was first said to our platoon in a topo review class at the beginning of the course. It was accompanied by much light-switch flickering and desk-banging. Although we understood the intent (that is, to add stress while we practiced finding points on the map something), it was rather ridiculous to see this Sgt jump around flicking the lights and banging the desks, so it drew quite a bit of muted chuckles from the platoon. It was later repeated, imitated and lightheartedly ridiculed. When this instructor repeated it in the field, we all remembered the class and it was kinda funny.


----------



## 17thRecceSgt (12 Apr 2006)

I was teaching on CLC in '96 in Gagetown..drill mutuals...one of our Bdr's was giving his lesson and went off at the Section during "his correcting"

"ARMS...SHOULDER WIDTH APART"

"I only want to hear one foot hitting the floor!" (there was 7 people in the section...6 of them hovering I guess)...

and our Pltn Commander, on the def pos after the "chemical attk" and stand-too...we hear someone open up over in 1 Sect...see the acting (and severely sleep deprived) Section Cmdr opening up into his Bravo trench (they had fallen asleep)....yells...

"JESUS CHRIST **** THIS ISN'T THE TURKISH ARMY!!!  CEASE FIRE CEASE FIRE"....the Section's DS was laughing too hard to get off the ground...

from one of the SSM's I worked for...

"If you people **** up one more time, you are going to jail....J-A-L-E jail!"  and was all the more 'amused' when we started laughin...

Movies quotes...Full Metal Jacket takes the cake...

"HERE YOU ARE ALL EQUALLY WORTHLESS"

"DID YOU PARENTS HAVE ANY CHILDREN THAT LIVED?"""  (Pte Pile - SIR YES SIR)...Gny Hartman "I BET THEY REGRET THAT"

 :rofl:


----------



## ps387 (14 Apr 2006)

One of my favourties from one of my MCpls early in our course...

"Stop looking at me! I have a wife and two kids, I don't need you in my life!"


----------



## Scipio (15 Apr 2006)

Stop quoting Law.  We have Swords. *- Pompei The Great
*


----------



## 17thRecceSgt (15 Apr 2006)

during Basic Para...one of our PIs was a french Cmbt Engr...he was giving us crap one time...

"when I call 9206, I want to hear one loud HAIRBORNE...you gots that?!?!?!?!?!?!"

we just stood there...looking at each other...you could see everyone had the same thought in their mind...

 :rofl:


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## Hot Lips (16 Apr 2006)

To quote the MudMan...hehehe

While disciplining students on course (as recounted by the MudMan) he proceeded to holler this at a student who hadn't been where he/she should have been...

"I'll tell you where you were Bloggins...you were AWOL...AWAY ON LEAVE"

Gotcha... :-*
HL


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## 17thRecceSgt (17 Apr 2006)

ya ya ya, ok    ;D

That was many moons ago...and I was mad as hell...cause the soldier WAS AWOL (Absent Without Leave)...as opposed to...what I said...I remember Murph and GQ laughin' their a**'s off when I said it though...


----------



## Hot Lips (17 Apr 2006)

Wasn't there another one MudMan...something along the lines of...

"If you never stay wet...you'll always be cold"

lol

HL


----------



## Pte AJB (17 Apr 2006)

"It's not rocket _scientists_"

Repeated on course multiple times a day. Not the most memorable, but amusing. Never did find out if he was doing it on purpose or not.


----------



## orange.paint (17 Apr 2006)

One guy at work told me they usually mumble this when they are getting "the coc*" out west:

Fuck the men,feed the horses.

I find it humorous.


----------



## Trooper Hale (26 May 2006)

Young recruit at Kapooka getting a lesson on rank etc, puts his hand up and asks "Corporal, what that crown mean?"
A big deep voice from the back of the room...
"Means I'm KING!"


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## Trooper Hale (26 May 2006)

One of my Corporals at Kapooka had a favorite line (although i'm sure someones already put it up)
"MEN, Its not Rocket Surgery"
To which another my section commander would chip in,
"But we are trying to save this Rockets life!"...
Rocket Surgery is still one of my favorite lines


----------



## Dizzy (28 May 2006)

Our M/Cpl on QL2 had a few good ones.

On why he didn't care for running  "Running is for f***s, stand and fight!"

On Bayonet drill "Stick 'em, stick 'em until you're drowning in his brain juices!"


----------



## orange.paint (28 May 2006)

Our course warrant on armoured battle school during pt one morning,

"were changing up PT today to a bike ride" (we all get excited.)"we dont have any bikes so it's going to seem a hell of a lot like running."


----------



## Old Sweat (28 May 2006)

Scenario: The Artillery Department of the Combat Arms School in the summer of 1974 shortly after the Turkish invasion of Cyprus and a couple of weeks before the rest of the Airborne Regiment deployed to reinforce the 1 Commando Group there. We had a TQ3 course nearing graduation, including a number of young gunners who had volunteered for the airborne battery. The Commander FMC learned of this (I made a point of mentioning it to him) and he ordered us to despatch them to Edmonton forthwith.

One of the gunners approached his course officer the next day and reported that his mother had told him that he couldn't go to Cyprus unless he came home to see her first. At which point the following dialogue took place.

Course Officer: 'Is your mother's maiden name Dextrazze?' [The CDS at the time]

Young Gunner: 'No Sir.'

Course Officer: 'Then write her a nice, long letter.'


----------



## Thompson_JM (29 May 2006)

Relayed to me by a co-worker (Ex Maroon Beret type now RMS) in reference to one of his daughters "gentlemen" callers

as his daughter and her male freind were getting a little close her brother walks in and says to him "My dad is crazy enough to jump out of airplanes.... what do you think he would do to you?"

Guy never came back....


----------



## ExSarge (29 May 2006)

From one of many memorable NCO's I served with: "Pte Smith, there are four ways of doing things in this man's army; the right way, the wrong way, my way or the Army way. Now, my way, is the Army way, and the Army way is the right way if I ever see you doing it the wrong way again I'll put by boot so far up your ass you will spit boot polish!".
From a great Plt Sgt to a brand new second Lt. on asking where his fighting position is. "Sir, your standing in it. You just haven't thrown the dirt out"
Same guy on seeing a Young replacement bringing a guitar on a field exercise. "Son, there will be no time for humming an strumming. You will be shooting and scooting.


----------



## ExistancE (29 May 2006)

On bmq on during inspection

Mcpl - Bloggins, where the **** is your shaving cream?
Pte - Don't have any Master Corporal!
Mcpl - Then how the **** do you shave?
Pte - With a razor Master Corporal! 

On bmq while trying to teach the 'no excuse' principle. 

Mcpl - Bloggins, you've got a thread. Why?
Pte - Couldn't burn it off Mcpl.
Mcpl - Why not?
Pte (confused) - because I don't have a lighter Mcpl.
Mcpl - Why not? 
Pte (more confused) - because I don't smoke Mcpl.
Mcpl - Why not?
Pte (terrified) - because it's bad for my health Mcpl? 
Mcpl - that doesn't mean you can't carry a lighter though, does it bloggins?
Pte - I don't want people to assume and wind up subject to the social stigma that smokers face Mcpl.
Mcpl - oh for ****'s sake, just say "no excuse".
Pte - No excuse Mcpl.


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## recon532002 (29 May 2006)

I've Done So Much With So Little For So Long I Can Do Almost Anything With Nothing  

                                                                                                                    RECON


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## Black Watch (29 May 2006)

on SQ during inspection:

MCPL: Private, what the F*** is wrong with your gas mask?
Me: Nothing, mcpl
MCPL: You sure??? It looks like old crap from WWII
Me: Probably, MCPL
MCPL: You sure it's in working order??
Me: Yes, Mcpl!
MCPL: Ok then, GAS GAS GAS!!!And stay like that for th rest of the inspection!



(Comments with overt sexual connotations removed by Moderator)


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## Trooper Hale (29 May 2006)

On calling any NCO "Sir"
"Why the f##K you call me Sir? I work for a living!"


----------



## andpro (29 May 2006)

On my reserve BMQ from one of the corprals: "There's no such thing as a stupid question ... unless it's really stupid."


----------



## K_Johnston (29 May 2006)

This one came from my CO, equivalent of a Major, in reference to a group of lower NCO's who were getting into trouble.  This came after he snapped on some Lt's for not doing their jobs, and not being able to tell him what exactly their jobs were when asked.
"Those idiots have no reason to be here.  They dont know what you are doing , they dont know how things run here, and they know shit all about the army in general.  They would have made perfect Lt's...."


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## Danjanou (29 May 2006)

K_Johnston said:
			
		

> This one came from my CO, equivalent of a Major, in reference to a group of lower NCO's who were getting into trouble.  This came after he snapped on some Lt's for not doing their jobs, and not being able to tell him what exactly their jobs were when asked.
> "Those idiots have no reason to be here.  They dont know what you are doing , they dont know how things run here, and they know crap all about the army in general.  They would have made perfect Lt's...."



 From one old "Starshina" to another, nice to see some things are the same in all armies. Oh and a belated welcome to the boards.


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## sgtdixon (29 May 2006)

Family Day was saturday at my unit
all the kids got to run an obstacle course, take a ride in the cougar and halftrack, fire the C6, C9, C7, M203 and other toys in the SAT.
So, my 9 yr old sister approches the MCpl running the SAT
Sister: MCpl, I wanna fire a machine gun
MCpl: well heres the C9
S: No, i want the machine gun wth balls!
MCpl: well then, a future trooper eh, heres the C6.
Mcpl then instructs on firing the weapon, loads scenarion on the system and lets the kids have at'er
Sister: Target, 300yds, next to the group of trees!
MCpl: Dixon, your sister is switched on, think she'd go LER when shes 16
..
range starts lighting up target.
S: Get Some! Get Some!
SgtMaj H: Dixon, thats SALH Material, whats wrong with you.


yea, rambling pointless, and you'd had to have been there, but it was pretty badass to see my sister rockin on the C6 at age 9


----------



## Caleix (29 May 2006)

During my BMQ, we were practicing on the SAT sims for a while...on this one scenario and my buddy who was just blasting away at this little black figure up on top of this hill... after emptying 2 mags into it the MCpl in charge yelled out...."Who da f*** is shooting the goddamned tree on that hill?!!!" my buddy just looks at me and says....."naa, thats got to be a dirka dirka...." then looks down his sights again and lets out a whispered cuss...then the MCpl just walked up to him and slowly took the rifle out of his hands lol.


----------



## polo (29 May 2006)

On BMQ about saluting.

In the classroom, noone puts their hand up to ask any questions and the Srg knows someone has a question, so he says come on guys, there's no such thing as a stupid question.

A hand goes up...

Srg: "Pte Bloggins what's your question?"
Pte: "Do we salute the enemy officers in the field then?"
Srg: "Well, I guess there is ONE stupid question."


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## George Wallace (29 May 2006)

What are noone and Srg?

And the answer should have been "Yes".  Enemy officers are given the same respect as any Allied officer.  It would be proper to salute them.

Now you ought to go back to your BMQ notes and study them again, and learn the Rank System off by heart.


----------



## TN2IC (29 May 2006)

"You are a spent casing." 

"There is no I in team.. but there is a me" Engineer on basic.



Me(as ARSO) on the range with Pte Screw Up..

Me: Pte are you OKAY with your handeling drills of the C7?
Pte: Ah I think so...
Me: Dear God all might... 

I finshed half a pack of smokes when he left the mount.




Me in front of the dispatch desk with Chris...

Me: Give me a "V" *both make the shape of the V and said "V"
      Give me a "O" *same deal*
      Give me a "R" *same deal*
      What does that spell?
Chris: VOR!!!




"Troops...stop pissing me off. I only have two smokes for the rest of the day."


----------



## George Wallace (29 May 2006)

TN2IC said:
			
		

> "Troops...stop pissing me off. I only have two smokes for the rest of the day."



That's OK......It is after noone (Old English for 12:00 pm)!


----------



## TN2IC (29 May 2006)

Sorry Georage...I don't follow.... need beer.


----------



## K_Johnston (30 May 2006)

Danjanou said:
			
		

> From one old "Starshina" to another, nice to see some things are the same in all armies. Oh and a belated welcome to the boards.


Thank you, and it is nice to know we weren't the only ones with Lt's and a few others who amazed us with there levels of.....lets call it intelectual ability (or lack of).





			
				George Wallace said:
			
		

> What are noone and Srg?
> 
> And the answer should have been "Yes".  Enemy officers are given the same respect as any Allied officer.  It would be proper to salute them.
> 
> Now you ought to go back to your BMQ notes and study them again, and learn the Rank System off by heart.



Not sure about how it is here, but were told sometimes yes, sometimes no.  If the area was secure, and behind the line than yes.  If it was near the front, or there could possibly be snipers around, we were told not to.  We were told the sniper may be able to find the ranking officer by who doesnt salute the enemy officer. (Like if myself and other NCO's and low end officers salute an enemy Captain, but my Major doesnt.)

Also remember one that my Sergeant Major said when I was a Sergeant (and I used after that) to those who dont jump during para training, and those who hesitate.  "What seems to be the problem?  You dont want to jump?  Too bad, everyone jumps here, even if it isnt voluntary"  Usually after that, they dont hesitate as long.  Sometimes we also stage that with someone who has jumped before, and we kick them out of the plane.  None of the new people even pause after that.


----------



## Danjanou (30 May 2006)

K_Johnston said:
			
		

> Thank you, and it is nice to know we weren't the only ones with Lt's and a few others who amazed us with there levels of.....lets call it intelectual ability (or lack of).



вы радушны

On the same vein during RV85 Wainwright (yes I’m that old). A British RE (with green commando beret no less) WO1 (CWO equivalent) part of the training team sent over to demo the Giant Viper (BTW thud thumpers did we ever end up buying it?) literally floored the Sgts Mess with this classic.

“The only reason I know to follow a junior officer is idle curiosity.”


----------



## George Wallace (30 May 2006)

In the Field, and especially in a Battle, there would be no saluting.  If someone had captured a senior officer and brought him/her back, the proper compliments would be made.  If one was on a visit to........say China, and in uniform, it would be proper to salute an 'enemy' officer, as it would if the encounter were at the UN in New York.  So in the end....yes it would be proper......just depends on the situation.   ;D


----------



## ExSarge (31 May 2006)

During a fire fight in Viet Nam, after receiving a minor wound to the hand (read scratch) from a Chicom grenade.

Me; hunkered down behind a fallen log: "Hey Doc I've been hit, come on over here and take a look at this!"

Plt Medic; Trying to get real small behind a tree: "I can see it from here. Take two aspirin, put a bandaide on it and call me if it falls off!"


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## AmmoTech90 (31 May 2006)

Danjanou said:
			
		

> demo the Giant Viper (BTW thud thumpers did we ever end up buying it?) literally floored the Sgts Mess with this classic.



Yep,

Think we fired the last one RV92

D


----------



## zanshin (1 Jun 2006)

OK, this one isn't huge, but I get a chuckle out of it every time I think of it.

On CLC in Aldershot in 90, we were in the mess one day for lunch and a coursemate of mine (a certain CPL from 56 FES - hey JFK -  lord, I haven't seen you in years...) dropped his melmac sp? cup (what is melmac, anyway?).  I don't think it had even hit the ground when he screamed at it...

"Steady Up!  How long you been a f**kin cup?!!"

I've used that line on things I've dropped for years now (although I edit it a wee bit in accordance with the civilian surroundings I might be in).

 ;D
Mark

edited to remove his name (I just read back on the front page of this thread that I shouldn't have added it...  sorry...)  :-[


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## medicineman (1 Jun 2006)

What happened to someone on extras - said defaulter was told to police up all the cigarette butts.  When they had done so, they were subsequently ordered to put them through a full parade, to include markers, officers, inspection, march past in column of route, advance in review order and march off.  They were ordered to discipline butts that were non-conformist, out of step or just generally dopey in nature and action.  On the bright side, they were too busy giving orders to have to hum the band music...

MM


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## Fraser.g (3 Jun 2006)

AmmoTech90 said:
			
		

> Yep,
> 
> Think we fired the last one RV92
> 
> D



Ya think right, atleast it fired.


----------



## AmmoTech90 (3 Jun 2006)

RN PRN said:
			
		

> Ya think right, atleast it fired.


Yeah it fired...not sure if it functioned as intended.  It may not have been the RV92 one, but I remember seeing one fire, land, sit there for 30 minutes until the intrepid sapper ran out with some safety fuse and a det...then it functioned


----------



## AFireinside13 (3 Jun 2006)

While we were learning to march in November 05, 
SGT- " HOLY F*** TROOPS!! FIX THAT ABORTION!"


MCPL- That's harder to find than a Mute Supermodel Nymphomaniac.


One troop, who I was standing beside, had his pants down on the parade square fixing himself, no tunic, no beret, and our course officer walked by. The troop proceeded to salute the officer and yelled "group!". The officer just stops, looks at him, and says " I'm not even going to touch that one, you there (pointing at me), tell him why he's a retard" as he walks away.


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## Kat Stevens (3 Jun 2006)

AmmoTech90 said:
			
		

> Yeah it fired...not sure if it functioned as intended.  It may not have been the RV92 one, but I remember seeing one fire, land, sit there for 30 minutes until the intrepid sapper ran out with some safety fuse and a det...then it functioned



Ah, yes, the venerable Silent Viper.  Saw it fired four times, saw it function as advertised once. 8)


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## Danjanou (3 Jun 2006)

Oh yeah the one on RV 85 was a dud in front of bleechers full of assorted brass. Said Brit RSM agfter chatting this piece of wunder kit up for weeks and general mocking Canadians (moi excepted) declined to put an appearance in the mess that night 8)


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## SprCForr (3 Jun 2006)

Kat, you got that right. Much to do about nothing. For some reason I'm thinking it was TK's that functioned or he was the one to BIP the dud. I thank Drew (RIP) for keeping me away from that thing.

"Stand back, we're from the School!"  ;D


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## Kat Stevens (4 Jun 2006)

It was TK and "rhymes with farmit"  that came from the school for the big show.....I think it was TK to the rescue on that one.  If I remember right, the only one I saw function properly was in Germany..... Helmets on, Germany story.... :warstory:


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## mcchartman (4 Jun 2006)

This is a quote I hear far too often to my liking, but for those who don't know it it can be pretty funny:

*"Is the colour of blood brown? Because if it is, I'm badly wounded!"*

It's one of those that my grandpa likes to repeat and which he might have picked up in the few years he spent in the Canadian Navy. Come to think about it, maybe I should ask him where exactly he got it from...


----------



## mainerjohnthomas (7 Jun 2006)

When getting my 404's on the Iltis, when I looked puzzled at the large complex green control for the lights the Mcpl instructor informed me:
"With this control you must turn the lights on in daylight, because the army is concerned about your safety, and with this control you can turn the lights off at night, because the army wants you to be especially safe at night."  
     Whats funniest about that quote is that it is actually true.  I love the army


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## Thompson_JM (8 Jun 2006)

mainerjohnthomas said:
			
		

> When getting my 404's on the Iltis, when I looked puzzled at the large complex green control for the lights the Mcpl instructor informed me:
> "With this control you must turn the lights on in daylight, because the army is concerned about your safety, and with this control you can turn the lights off at night, because the army wants you to be especially safe at night."
> Whats funniest about that quote is that it is actually true.  I love the army



Theres no Irony Like Army Irony...


----------



## CommonSenseNCO (8 Jun 2006)

Another Quote from this fine man:
"There are 2 ways off this course, you can MacPass or MacPhail!"

"Quote from WO Ron MacPhail (PPCLI) during a drill lesson - "You people better get it together, or I‘ll you all running laps around the parade square, til you fall thru your a_sses and hang yourselves".

Try keeping a straight face after that! Needless to say, we ran a few laps around the parade square.


----------



## CommonSenseNCO (8 Jun 2006)

True story, from the '60s:   Almost every evening a station would come on the air and the user would just blow, twice, into the mic.   A few seconds later another station would come up and someone would tap either once or twice, two times, and then, just like the first "unknown station", disappear.   It drove the CO and the Ops O and, especially, poor old Pronto, mad.   There were occasional diatribes from 9 and 0 trying to stop these people - all to no avail.

The other classic response  to this is "> these means are not inflatable, out!"

-"Those are'nt dust bunnies. Their dust rhinos"
38 Bde "dust buffaloes"

-"In the Field, and especially in a Battle, there would be no saluting.  If someone had captured a senior officer and brought him/her back, the proper compliments would be made.  If one was on a visit to........say China, and in uniform, it would be proper to salute an 'enemy' officer, as it would if the encounter were at the UN in New York.  So in the end....yes it would be proper......just depends on the situation."
 Espescially after they  had surrendered

Some remnants:
Yup! I'll yup ya one private!"

The army is a metaphor for life. Life is manifestly unfair. Well get Pte Bloggins to explain that to you, he's been to school.

"After we pull the pin Mr Grenade is not our friend"

"Some days you're the windshield, today, Private, you're the bug"

"The Sarge called me into his office to ask me some questions. He started by saying that he wanted me to know this wasn't a witch-hunt. Thats when I knew it was a witch-hunt"

"We're not docking the MIR space station here troops"

"Watching you do that is like watching a monkey with a revolver. I'm not sure just how it's gonna turn out, just that it's not gonna be good"

"What did you form that beret around, an Iltis?"

"This isn't rocket surgery troops"

"Silence! common sense man!"

"Where logic ends the army begins"


>"That guys a head case.

>I heard that.

>Well, I didn't say it quiet!"


"Are you trying to ruin our beautiful friendship?"

"What did I just tell you about different?"

"Show me your crazy eyes! Okay not so good, put them away for now."

"This bunk looks like the shroud of Turin"

"I'm gonna have you charged with theft, for stealing this dirt from the ranges and hiding it in you rifle"

"Good troop, works hard, not to bright. Works well when cornered like a rat and everyone is watching"

"You are having delusions of adequacy"

"I'd follow you anywhere, sir, but just out of morbid curiosity"

"Sets low standards and fails to acheive them"

"Since last interview has hit rock bottom and begun digging"

"You are slower than molasses moving uphill in January"

"Has the Sarge been by to tell you what a good job  you've been doing? No? Do you wonder why?"

"You put the 'E' in Idiot!"

"Were you talking to me private? I'm sorry i wasn't able to hear you over the wind whistling between your heels!"

South Vietnamese army:
"Artillery too close, artillery too close, but very nice. Keep firing!"

WO "Cpl why are you dragging that chain across the floor?"
Cpl "'Cause it's a bugger to push, sir!"

WO "Cpl Bloggins"
Cpl "Sir!"
WO "Cpl Smith"
Cpl "Sir"
WO "Cpl Jones"
Bdr "that's Bombardier WO!"
WO "Cpl, Bdr same $#!+!"
Bdr "Sure thing PO."


----------



## pronto (8 Jun 2006)

Hey CommonSense NCO:
Re: Unknown callsign prank... If you know who it was, 'fess up!



Pronto


----------



## GO!!! (8 Jun 2006)

Use your initiative - Don't anticipate the word of command!


----------



## K_Johnston (9 Jun 2006)

Not really a secret here, but the Spetsnaz still pride themselves on being able to use their sharpened spades as oversized throwing knives.  A few Paras in my unit have "dissapeared" to random supply divisions, or rear line staff positions.  One returning Senior Sergeant showed off this skill with a spade, by hitting a target at 40 metres on the pistol range with his nicely sharpend spade.
Sgt: Like what they teach us "supply" troops?
Me: Now answer me honestly....when the hell does that come in useful?
Sgt: I imagine it has its moments.
Me: Like when exactly?  So you can get rid of it before they make you fill sandbags?
(To this day Im not sure where that particular skill sees much use in the age of silenced firearms :-\, although as he said, it must have its moments)


----------



## Canadian.Trucker (27 Jun 2006)

A soldier is walking across the parade square hands in pockets when the RSM sees him from his office.
RSM: Hey, you there, HEY YOU!
Soldier: What?
RSM: Don't what me, do you know who I am?
Soldier: No.  Do you know who I am?
RSM: No.
The soldier grabs his headdress and sprints away.

One of my favourite quotes that I overhead one of my Sgt's telling his section:
"Troops do you know why it's raining?  No?  God is crying because you're not meeting the standard, that's why."


----------



## Hot Lips (27 Jun 2006)

Canadian.Trucker said:
			
		

> A soldier is walking across the parade square hands in pockets when the RSM sees him from his office.
> RSM: Hey, you there, HEY YOU!
> Soldier: What?
> RSM: Don't what me, do you know who I am?
> ...


god if I ever get to some form of training it will be just my luck that it will rain the whole time...and that Sgt will be around or one of his fledgelings  :rofl:

HL


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## bison33 (13 Jul 2006)

Many moons ago,while in the 3rd herd (3 RCHA) during a parade rehersal on a rather cool day......here's the story.....

I was having dental work done and had an appliance (a retainer) I wore during the day. Just got it so it was hard to talk clearly for a bit, til I got used to it. The RSM was ragging on us as RSM's do....Something caught his eye in our general direction and he came over to me, ragging me out for something...I never replied so he repeated himself....I tried to reply by saying "No Sir" but it came out like "Nahh.....sure"
Well...he jumped a frigging mile and jammed the butt end of his pace stick, well actually his walking stick with a huge brass end almost in my face and bellowed...."You see this gunner? I'll shove this so far up your arse, you'll have the biggest gold tooth in NATO. I'll fuc king "sure" you." Well....didn't know if I should laugh or crap myself....did neither but it was hard keeping a straight face, I'll tell ya. But when one of my buddies snickered, the RSM forgot all about me in a hurry ;D


----------



## Shamrock (14 Jul 2006)

Ahhh... the radio.

Once, in the throes of a particularly slow bde ex, had a loader confuse IC with Radio and ask, "Kenny, which rat do you want?"  About fifteen minutes later, the radio crackled and on came the SSM, "Well, Kenny.  Don't keep the whole combat team in suspense... which one is it?"

-----

During my PLQ, I was the only tanker on course.  Nontankers are generally surprised at our abilities to project our voices and maintain a steady, coherent flow of words.  Most of my sectionmates took some time to adjust to the voice of a professional being housed in my body.  However, prior to my hard-assessed drill class, I was moved to a different section and proceeded to execute my class well.  Until...

"For ease of learning blah blah blah..." I went on, and one of the teeny-tiny females let out a teeny-tiny sneeze.  Without pause I said, "Gesundheit #3." and resumed my lesson.

Anyone who's ever done any junior leadership knows how comical the whole scene is. This was no different.  The entire section was walloped with giggle dust and wasn't stopping.  Even my assessor found humor in the sit.  I, being the cool, calm, rational individual I am sought a logical and sensible solution to a potentially deteriorating situation.  

"From the right, number!  Odd numbers left, even numbers riiiiiiiight turn!  STILL THINK IT'S (dirty word)KING FUNNY?  LAUGH IT OFF NOW, (dirty word)HOLES!"

My assessor returned about fifteen minutes later still wiping tears from his  eyes.

-----

Prior to leaving the regs, my last PDR was written by a particularly sarcastic yet well intentioned soul.  He knew that it was my last PDR and wanted to exercise his creative license in it.  He called me a b-tard.  In his defence, it was creatively and amusingly worded.

In and of itself, a nice little joke.  Ha ha, I'm a b-tard.  However, I recently decided to leave the reserves and return to the regs.  Said PDR was read by the recruiter and came up during my interview (by an Air Force Captain).

"I'm concerned about this PDR, the one where MCpl X calls you a b-tard.  Why would he do that?"

"A joke, nothing more (better explanation during the interview)."

"Okay, so he called you a b-tard as a joke... and yet you want to go back into the combat arms.  Why?"

"So I can write that b-tard's PDR."

-----

Oh, and how could I forget, the thing that most sticks in my mind of my service...

"Not guilty."


----------



## GUNS (14 Jul 2006)

When you do right, no one remembers.
When to do wrong, no one forgets.


----------



## Signalman150 (14 Jul 2006)

Ya know, I grant you I didn't hear this one when it was originally uttered, but the story was told to me by the man who uttered it:  my father.  In August of 1939 my father was talking to a bunch of his friends, and boasted:

"If there's a war, there's goin' to be two people not in it.  Me, and the guy looking for me."

Two weeks later war was declared, and my father joined the RCAF.  He spent three years in England, and 25 in the RCAF.


----------



## Devlin (14 Jul 2006)

My Plt. WO to a bunch of freshly graduated troops with shiny new 404's in their pockets.


"Listen up troops this Mcpl. So and So and he has more miles going backwards in these vehicles than you are ever going to have going forward, so keep your mouths shut and your ears open." 

Not 20km into the road move one of the new troops rolls the unit's new MILCOT.

The speach was repeated many many times... ;D


----------



## CADPAT SOLDIER (14 Jul 2006)

MCpl "Sleep is for the weak and the dead"

Mcpl "Don't Drop the bayonette Pte.Bloggins for gonna bleed all over the shacks"
Me "And will have to clean it up?"
MCpl "No, I'll frolic around in it"
me "Is that the Army way?"
MCpl "No thats just my way"


----------



## Thompson_JM (15 Jul 2006)

Canadian.Trucker said:
			
		

> One of my favourite quotes that I overhead one of my Sgt's telling his section:
> "Troops do you know why it's raining?  No?  God is crying because you're not meeting the standard, that's why."



My God that ones beautiful...... I must remember to use it sometime..... one day when i make MCpl  many moons from now...


----------



## Trooper Hale (15 Jul 2006)

My Lance Corporal back home gave me these gems,
"Use your initiative! Don't Anticipate the word of command!"
"Keep your eyes open, your mouth shut and NEVER volunteer for anything"
"Laziness isn't that bad fellers, its merely the habit of resting before you get tired"

Needless to say, he tends to be the one you find hiding out in the back of a vehicle when hanger clean up comes around or any for of manual labour is about to happen. Great bloke!


----------



## mainerjohnthomas (15 Jul 2006)

From one of our WO on our line course:
"I take it back, you are not monkeys.  Monkeys can fuggin climb!"


----------



## GUNS (15 Jul 2006)

Reply I got when I asked my #1 how long he was in the military.

" Gunner, I was in the military before the Dead Sea was sick."


----------



## Sig_Des (15 Jul 2006)

On a Driver's course, old crusty Sgt.

"You Privates just are plain dumb. Young and dumb"

me " Were'nt you a private once, sgt?"

"Nope. I was born a Sgt, *sshole!"


----------



## silentbutdeadly (15 Jul 2006)

Old SgtMaj Smith 1VP " I was in uniform when you were in liquid form" ;D


----------



## Franko (15 Jul 2006)

silentbutdeadly! said:
			
		

> Old SgtMaj Smith 1VP " I was in uniform when you were in liquid form" ;D



I have got to use that on the next course.

 :rofl:

Regards


----------



## pronto (15 Jul 2006)

GUNS said:
			
		

> Reply I got when I asked my #1 how long he was in the military.
> 
> " Gunner, I was in the military before the Dead Sea was sick."


Was that by chance a fella name "Skelly/Scully"? It's been quite a few years - but I remember a number 1 in 3rd Herd using that line on me!

Pronto


----------



## GUNS (15 Jul 2006)

pronto said:
			
		

> Was that by chance a fella name "Skelly/Scully"? It's been quite a few years - but I remember a number 1 in 3rd Herd using that line on me!
> 
> Pronto



It was Sgt. Hanson in Germany. 1 RCHA 15A, 1971.

Another saying of his, " I was in Bagdad while you were still in Dad's bag."


----------



## Pte. Perry (16 Jul 2006)

I was just wondering what some of the best quotes (by soldiers) you've heard since joining the Army?  Mine was , during a rainy day "Don't worry about it troops, your helmet is the only water proof hat we gave you."


----------



## GO!!! (16 Jul 2006)

Pte. Perry said:
			
		

> I was just wondering what some of the best quotes (by soldiers) you've heard since joining the Army?



If you try the previous TWENTY THREE PAGES, YOU MIGHT SEE ONE OR TWO


----------



## Sig_Des (16 Jul 2006)

GO!!! said:
			
		

> If you try the previous TWENTY THREE PAGES, YOU MIGHT SEE ONE OR TWO



 :rofl:

That was like a GO!!!-show teaser!


----------



## Fishbone Jones (16 Jul 2006)

It's a merged thread. He started his own thread without searching and seeing this one.


----------



## Haggis (16 Jul 2006)

Overheard one of my new troops talking to a senior Cpl:

Newbie:  "How old is the Sgt Maj?"

Old Cpl:  "As old as dirt."

Stopped me dead in my tracks.


----------



## CADPAT SOLDIER (16 Jul 2006)

"Mcpl, I found a MP3 Player in the shacks"
"Whats on it"
"Mostly Emo, MCpl"
"Emo, What the hell is that?"
"Music to Cry to MCpl"
"I prefere Music to kill to"


----------



## axeman (18 Jul 2006)

“So much to b+tch about and so little time” – Port Hanger Lobby HMCS Ottawa DWUPS this week....


 ;D


----------



## Shamrock (18 Jul 2006)

One I continue to quote to this day, from a brand new troop on his first exercise.  No-one expected to have a sense of humour.

Scene: a Newf with a French accent.

"Excuse me, Master Caporal.  I seem to have lost my BFA.  It should be easy to find as I left it attached to my rifle."


----------



## 17thRecceSgt (18 Jul 2006)

Callsign Kenny said:
			
		

> One I continue to quote to this day, from a brand new troop on his first exercise.  No-one expected to have a sense of humour.
> 
> Scene: a Newf with a French accent.
> 
> "Excuse me, Master Caporal.  I seem to have lost my BFA.  It should be easy to find as I left it attached to my rifle."



 :rofl:  $20 bucks to anyone who has a picture of the look on that MCpl's face!


----------



## L + W Infanteer (19 Jul 2006)

"It's not training if it's not raining."


----------



## Red Phase (28 Jul 2006)

If it ain't snowing, we ain't going.


----------



## Red 6 (28 Jul 2006)

My first sergeant in the Blackhorse when the barracks weren't squared away: "My barracks are all f***** up. You people don't wanna work in the day—outstanding. You'll all be workin' tonight. We're gonna have a party, and you all have a command invitation."


----------



## starlight_cdn (28 Jul 2006)

The most recent one I have adopted:

"Don't think outside the box, Make the box bigger"


----------



## Signalman150 (28 Jul 2006)

Post 300 on this thread reminded me of the saying that was printed on the back of the Corporal's Club card my father had from the RCAF:

A corporal is a man who knows much about little,
and day by day learns more and more about less and less.
Until finally, he knows everything about nothing.
Then they make him a sergeant.


----------



## Beezer (4 Aug 2006)

Here's a few I heard at my unit

"There's two types of plugs in this army Pte Bloggins, the ones you stick in a wall and the ones that wear little green uniforms" - Pl WO

"Never trust a corporal with a CD or a major without one." - A major to a young 2lt.

"Don't piss in my ear and tell me it's raining, Cpl" - My OC told me.

"Punishment is its own reward" 

"If you try to SHARPen me I will f*cking beat you"

"If you think you're irreplaceable, it's time for you to be replaced."

"Mmmmm! It tastes like a party in my mouth and everyone is welcome to [come]" - someone tasting a drink for the first time.


----------



## a_majoor (5 Aug 2006)

After Cormwallis, we went to Calgary for Depot training, but the shacks were being refurbished and so we lived in an ATCO trailer. My friend Matt used to say he had more room as a fetus than he had in his room. We were having morning inspection in combats and with our fighting order laid out on our bed. Since we were standing in our room, we could hear the WO coming down the hall, and hear everything through the paper thin walls, but could not see what was happening.

From two rooms down, I hear:

WO: ******, do you know what to do with that gas mask?
Pte: Yes WO!
WO: GAS! GAS! GAS!
Pte: Various thumping and banging noises, then a silence
WO: I bet it would work a lot better if you TOOK THE PLUGS OUT OF *THE CANNISTER*!!!


----------



## jimmy742 (8 Aug 2006)

From D Squadron CFSCE circa 1980

Picture of privates crammed in a large artillery piece about to be fired with the caption." To err is human, to forgive is not squadron policy"


----------



## dapaterson (18 Aug 2006)

Be they military or otherwise, this is a place to post your favourite quotes or aphorisms.

Here's one from the papers a few weeks ago:


*I love the army. I worked at a convenience store before this and I was making $6.50 an hour. I got robbed three times at gunpoint and it wasn't logical to do that for that kind of salary when I could move to this one, and now I can fire back.  It's a safer job, really.

	-An RCR private, prior to deploying to Afghanistan*


----------



## hockeygirl (18 Aug 2006)

"Our kids aren't born with silver spoons in their mouths...They are born with HOCKEY SKATES on their feet!"   

My personal fave!


----------



## Koenigsegg (19 Aug 2006)

Heres a question...why are those here?
they are from a completely different thread...and this one is a little too specialized to accomodate them.

Just me...continue on.


----------



## RangerRay (19 Aug 2006)

Franco PERI MCpl on BOTC: "You 'tink I know f*** nuting?  I know f*** ALL!"

Pl WO in Wainwright: "Let's go, you f***ing hemmoroids!  MOVE!"

"Dog balls!"

"Dog drool!"

Sec Cmd in Wainwright: "You guys move like old people f***: slow and sloppy!"

"Way to go, you f***in' wizard"

"Qu'est-ce que f***?"

Sec 2IC: "Ya f***in' yard ape!"


----------



## Kat Stevens (19 Aug 2006)

-"Franco PERI MCpl on BOTC: "You 'tink I know f*** nuting?  I know f*** ALL!"-

This one has been told by every English guy that ever served, about every Franco guy they ever served with.


----------



## BDTyre (19 Aug 2006)

Almost the opposite of a jacking up.

Inspection one night, someone comes in just one minute late, and joins the formation.

The Sargeant doesn't yell, doesn't say anything.  He just moves up and down the line.  Reaches the late soldier.

"Why were you late?  Too busy j***ing off?"
"No Sargeant, I had exams."
"Really?  Try the *** to be on time."  A few seconds pass.  "What are you studying to be?"
"Rocket scientist, Sargeant."
"F*** off, really?  A rocket scientist?"
"Yes Sargeant."
"You're not s****ing me are you?"
"No Sargeant."
"Wow...a rocket scientist..."

Had the soldier been in the front rank, the Sargeant would have known he was being jerked around.  This isn't verbatim, but the conversation essentially went like that.  I never could tell if the Sargeant truly believed the person.


----------



## Lost_Warrior (19 Aug 2006)

A friday night of Reserve weekend BMQ (during night inspection):

Sec 2IC: What is that on your uniform pvt XXX??
Pvt: Spahetti Sauce MCPL!
Sec 2IC: You have your f**king dinner on your uniform?
Pvt: Yes MCPL
Sec 2IC: Whats that on your face Pvt XX????
(pvt tries to lick spaghetti sauce off the side of his face)
Sec 2IC: Don't f**king lick it!


----------



## GAP (19 Aug 2006)

I will set the scene. 

An IG (Inspector General) inspection was coming up. In the USMC at that time, and probably still is, meant that it was full locker/junk-on-the-bunk, footlocker and personal inspection all at once. Leading up to this wonderful time there were about 8-10 inspections to get us ready. This is about the 3rd inspection.

Being stationed in San Diego, puts us in close proximity to Tijuana, Mexico, where it is legal to drink. The night before the 3rd inspection some of the guys went down to Tijuana and got back about 1/2 hour before inspection, still very, very drunk. We didn't give them too much attention, because we were scurrying around getting the barracks and everything ready. 

Finally, our NCO called us to attention. We are all standing beside our racks, everything laid out, footlockers open, locker doors ajar, everything was just so. While waiting for the base Commanding General and entourage to get to us, we realize that the fellows that had gone out to Tijuana the night before, were nowhere to be seen and that their racks  and stuff were untouched. 

At that point there was nothing we could do but tough it out.

Finally, the General and his entourage gets to us, and as is typical is critical of anything and everything. (Later I came to realize why, but then it was disheartening). 
The General gets to the fellow's rack that is not touched, said something that we couldn't hear to our officer, then flips open the guys footlocker, which is also untouched. Scowling, he steps over and opens the wall locker belonging to this guy. 

And there, crouched in the wall locker is the very drunk marine. He simply turns his head to the General and says in that quiet elevator operator voice "Going Up Sir!"

The General closed the locker door, turned and walked out of the squad bay.


----------



## Magravan (19 Aug 2006)

Some of these were hilarious, others I didn't know the jargon, so they lost the 'in the moment' aspect.. But yeah, made me laugh pretty hard quite a few times..


----------



## gnplummer421 (19 Aug 2006)

I remember a Sgt-Major standing behind me on parade asking me " Does this hurt?"., confused, I asked "What do you mean sir?"...to which he replied.."I'm standing on your f@$&**g hair!"

Gnplummer


----------



## Trooper Hale (19 Aug 2006)

Loved the Marine one, "Going up Sir?" is absolutely classic.
I'm a tad tired and cant think of any real "jacking" stories (We'd say "SkullF###ing" or just "getting ripped") but i may as well mention some phrases we use that get rolled out like crazy at ARTC Kapooka (Army Recruit Training Centre).
"Manky" is a grand one meaning untidy, messy or anything to do with hygiene "You are a Manky individual, clean up". For us "Jack" is used for lazy, unmotivated or even if you sick of something, as in "That blokes a jack bastard" or "I'm jack of doing this".
If i had a doller for ever time someone said that on my basic...i'd have a hell of a lot of dollers!
This isnt really a jacking story but...
Towards the end of my recruit training we had our OC's inspection which is the most serious of all the inspections. Just before it we got called out into the corridor by one of the DS. He told us that when the OC asked us "So what are you doing after this Recruit?" we should say "Sir...I'm going to get on the Gassssss!". Now we all liked this bloke so the vast majority went along with it. As the OC went through the rooms you'd hear the stomp of feet firs, shortly followed by "Getting on the Gassssssss" with a big emphasis on those "s"s. The OC, being a very serious gentleman didnt twig and, in a rather loud voice at the end of the inspection informed the DS that he felt it our platoon had "Issues that had best be addressed by those with the correct qualifications". 2 days later we got a talk about alcohol abuse and were questioned on how much we drunk before we started Kapooka, all while our staff laughed their arses off behind us!


----------



## JVJA (28 Aug 2006)

At one point I had the material removed from the brim of the old Bush cap so the brim was floppy.  We were marshalling the tracks one morning heading out on ex, and "smart" me I had the front of the hat flipped up loading some kit, and the QMSI happened to be passing by....

He grabbed my head by the brim, gave it a "gentle" shake and informed me "You're not F****n Gilligan."


----------



## MARS2INF (29 Aug 2006)

The Setup:

IAP St Jean, 2004. Drill class - marking time. The platoon was formed up, at attention, and the DS wanted the name of the marker (name altered for obvious reasons - but individual was of Ukranian descent)...

The Jack-up:

DS: "Who's my marker!?"
Marker: "Naval Cadet Galakowitz, Master Seaman" 
DS: *confused look* "Say again?!?!"
Marker: "Naval Cadet Galakowitz, Master Seaman" 
DS: "Holy f#*k, somebody with a name I can pronounce swap places with him, NOW"

A platoon full of nervous recruits snicker to their amusement, and paid for it by, of course, marking time....


----------



## on guard for thee (29 Aug 2006)

Setting: Arty School, Ph 3
            Practicing for MAPS PO check

            DS: 2Lt Bloggins, do you have a large rubber band?
            2Lt: No, Warrant.
            DS:  I suggest you find one, wrap it around your head, and snap yourself the f*** out-ov-er".

Classic.


----------



## shaboing (30 Aug 2006)

"Qu'est-ce que f***?" hahahhaa i say that all the time, gotta love franglais


----------



## MARS2INF (31 Aug 2006)

Similar story:

The Setup:

Inspection time @ St Jean, and questions about the 10 principals of leadership were popping up. NCdt Bloggins was 0 for 4 on the questions, so the Pl Cmdr decided to dumb it down for the struggling lad...

The Jack-up:

Pl Cmdr: "What's the name of the base commander?"
NCdt: "Ummm, General Ber___"
Pl Cmdr: "WRONG"
NCdt: "Colonel Mar___"
Pl Cmdr: "WRONG"
NCdt: "Chief Boud___"
Pl Cmdr: "WRONG"
NCdt: "Lieutenant-Corporal Baribeau!" (said with 100% confidence)
Pl Cmdr: "F#&* me, Bloggins, you're not the CDS! You can't make-up ranks!"

Unknown if he actually passed the inspection...


----------



## Wookilar (31 Aug 2006)

What, no Jimmy Cox stories?       ummmmm, he's out now, right? Better check on that before I post more.


----------



## Iron Oxide (31 Aug 2006)

Mortar guy and Strike;

I was in BOTC summer '94 as well. I'm a civilian now but I'm going to have to dig up my old course t-shirt to find out which platoon I was in (C company I think). We had this WO who would start swearing in french under his breath at the start of inspection and wouldn't stop until it was over. I learnt more of the french language from him then any french language instructor I've ever had. I vaguely remember our officers name was captain Park...


----------



## Mortar guy (31 Aug 2006)

I vaguely remember Capt Park! I was in 9 Platoon, C Coy (which I only know because I checked my t-shirt). 

MG


----------



## 211RadOp (2 Sep 2006)

cdnaviator said:
			
		

> Nah....he would be able to remember why he was about to jack you up any longer than the first or second word. he tried to crap on me for being late once and about mid-sentence he asked my why i was so damned early !!



He's living in Kingston now. Retired a couple of years ago. I remember him from my JLC/JNCO


----------



## tomahawk6 (8 Oct 2006)

I like this one. 

Of every one-hundred men, ten shouldn't even be there, 
eighty are nothing but targets, nine are real fighters... 
We are lucky to have them, they make the battle... 
AH but ONE, one of them is a Warrior... 
he will bring the others back

Heraclitus c. 500 B.C.


----------



## TN2IC (8 Oct 2006)

Do say I say, not do as I do.


Former Section Commander 2003


----------



## pronto (8 Oct 2006)

The food is horrible, the girls are ugly. I want to go home.

-Unknown Roman Soldier, carved on Hadrian's wall


----------



## Us3D (8 Oct 2006)

One man , One Kit ..


----------



## Trinity (8 Oct 2006)

Battlestar Galatica (Webisode 6) 

Col Tigh: We're at war. War is messy. People get killed. Good people. Nice people. 
Get that through your head or get out. We don't need any crybabies in this outfit.


----------



## medaid (8 Oct 2006)

' Lead Follow or Get The F*ck Outta The Way!! '


----------



## Rifleman62 (8 Oct 2006)

Pain is a sign of weakness leaving the body!

US Marines, I think.


----------



## Rifleman62 (8 Oct 2006)

The Reserve Pension is targetted for Mar 2007 - CFPMP Website.

Could not resist posting this.


----------



## Rifleman62 (8 Oct 2006)

Never blame your horses in defeat, nor congratulate yourself in victory.

Old Cossack saying, and a favourate of mine.


----------



## career_radio-checker (8 Oct 2006)

The idea of war is not to die for your country, 
it's to make the other poor bastard die for his.
                                                   ~Patton~


----------



## RogerD (8 Oct 2006)

There are 3 types of leaders...

*Those who makes things happen,
Those who watch things happen, and
Those who wonder what happened*


----------



## Nfld Sapper (8 Oct 2006)

TN2IC said:
			
		

> Do say I say, not do as I do.
> 
> 
> Former Section Commander 2003



Shouldn't that be:

Do as I say, not as I do?


----------



## 762gunner (8 Oct 2006)

From  WWII history book:

     "Uh oh.  BOHICA!"

     -Bend Over, Here it Comes Again.


----------



## dglad (8 Oct 2006)

As a young Private, I remember wanting to salute everything and call everyone sir, because all these different ranks only seemed to have one thing in common--they were all higher than mine.  I'll never forget what a Sergeant commanding another recruit section said when I called him "sir":

"Don't you call me 'sir'...my parents were married!"


----------



## SupersonicMax (8 Oct 2006)

There are 2 types of aircraft :  Fighters and Targets.


----------



## dglad (8 Oct 2006)

And, of course:

"If it ain't rainin', it ain't trainin.'"


----------



## Rifleman62 (8 Oct 2006)

dglad, re post 13

Don't call me sir, I work for a living!


----------



## dglad (8 Oct 2006)

Rifleman62 said:
			
		

> dglad, re post 13
> 
> Don't call me sir, I work for a living!



Ah, yes...another good one, with the same basic message.


----------



## TN2IC (9 Oct 2006)

If it ain't working, smash it.


~Veh Tech teaching about diesel engines... 2001


----------



## condor888000 (9 Oct 2006)

Not military, but close to the above.

"If it ain't working, get a hammer. If it still ain't working, you need a bigger hammer."


----------



## career_radio-checker (9 Oct 2006)

2 Lt with the map tells his platoon:

"Follow me!"


----------



## Trinity (9 Oct 2006)

career_radio-checker said:
			
		

> 2 Lt with the map tells his platoon:
> 
> "Follow me!"



The only reason a Sgt follows a young officer is out of curiosity!!!


----------



## Kat Stevens (9 Oct 2006)

condor888000 said:
			
		

> Not military, but close to the above.
> 
> "If it ain't working, get a hammer. If it still ain't working, you need a bigger hammer."



Engineer variant: Don't force it, get a bigger hammer.


----------



## xo31@711ret (9 Oct 2006)

From a CSM back in the early 80's after returning from a PETCON: "We worked hard, we'll play harder, see you at the smoker, I drink blue!"
Same CSM about 1 week later after morning PT: "Gentleman, weapons are cleaned, vehicles are cleaned, kit is cleaned and accounted for: we got f**K all to do here, we ain't doing f**k all here! See you tomorrow morning on PT and stay outta s**t"! -good man, Freddy!

'Those who long for peace must prepare for war.'

-gerry


----------



## rmacqueen (9 Oct 2006)

I remember a SSM who used to threaten to reach down your throat and rip your lungs out.  Now there's a performance incentive!


----------



## Fishbone Jones (9 Oct 2006)

Another variation:

If it doesn't fit, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

and of course, one of my favourites, my by-line:

"When you COMMISSION something, you're putting it into service.
When you WARRANT something, you're guaranteeing it will work."


----------



## sigpig (9 Oct 2006)

SALY - "Same as last year"

Sgt to new officer at regiment - "How long have you been in sir? Don't look at your watch..."


----------



## vonGarvin (9 Oct 2006)

CQMS to me in the smoking pit
"Sir, does your mother know you smoke?"  (PS: I was a 32 year old 2Lt)


----------



## retd cpl wife (9 Oct 2006)

Pain is the body's way of letting you know your still alive.
Adapt and overcome.
Suck it up buttercup


----------



## GUNS (9 Oct 2006)

" If it doesn't move, paint it"  BSM's orders to work detail

" Gunner, if brains were gun powder. You wouldn't have enough to blow your nose"  Gun Sgt. to #4 after hooking up lanyard before primer loaded.


----------



## TN2IC (9 Oct 2006)

Cold Engine Start can be you friend or your enemy. Spray carefully.




Veh Tech with 2 RCR after an LSVW catching on fire.



Pure Classic... too bad it was my LSVW.


----------



## George Wallace (9 Oct 2006)

If it ain't broke; don't fix it!

Angry Drill Instructor:

"I'll march you around in ever diminishing circles until you disappear up your own Ring Pieces!"

or the old time favourite:

"You Sir! look like a dog humping a football."


----------



## youravatar (9 Oct 2006)

"What were you troops doing in here? Raping a chicken?!"
-RHLI WO Upon inspecting a tent filled with down from a torn sleeping bag on inspection.


----------



## TN2IC (9 Oct 2006)

Always keep in mind that your equipment was made by the lowest bidder.


~Unknown




reporter:"Pte Bloggins, why are you here for Winter Indoc Training?"

Pte Bloggins:"Cause I have to be."

~One of my troops answer to a media question.. what could I say to him? Jack him up? We are a part time unit...hahahaha. Good Old Global News in Aldershot. He did'nt do Fire picket that night.


----------



## Jacqueline (9 Oct 2006)

A soldier does not give up what he does.
He finds the love in what he does.
_-Unknown_


----------



## medaid (9 Oct 2006)

Yours not to question why, yours but to do or die.


----------



## Rifleman62 (9 Oct 2006)

More of a joke, really, a very old Army joke (for you hooligans i.e.highlanders)

How can the RSM be assured that all of the Regiment is wearing their kilts Regimentally?

They will have dandruff on their boots.


----------



## honestyrules (9 Oct 2006)

Hard troops, dirty boots!


----------



## Burrows (9 Oct 2006)

Never stand when you can sit; never sit when you can lie; never lie when you can sleep.

Or something along those lines.


----------



## retd cpl wife (9 Oct 2006)

RSM on parade,"You bunch of moral sucking vampires !!!"


----------



## honestyrules (9 Oct 2006)

When in doubt, rack out!


----------



## TN2IC (9 Oct 2006)

Why Carry the Kit while the Kit carries you...


~RCD Buddy during PLQ

*99 I"m looking your way.


----------



## Rodahn (10 Oct 2006)

One that has stuck with me through the years from an SSM back in 3 Fld Engr Sqn days.....

"Get off the grass....... And I don't mean the stuff your walking on"


----------



## xo31@711ret (10 Oct 2006)

As a young snot-nosed 18 year old pte on PRO PAT1, Petawawa TQ3 '82; "Warrent, how's my trench, do you think it's deep enough?"

Grizzled old Warrent with about 30 + years; "Lad, hope for the best, prepare for the worst..."


----------



## GUNS (10 Oct 2006)

When I was first posted to Valcartier from Petawawa my gun Sgt. asked me how long I was in the military. With puffed up chest I said " two years, Sgt." He looked at me and said " I was longer on a message"   Chest deflates.


----------



## Newt (10 Oct 2006)

"Move with a sense of urgency bordering on, but not exceeding, panic."


----------



## rmacqueen (10 Oct 2006)

My troop warrant, 1 troop, B Sqn, 8ch in Pet in the early 80's and something I have continued to live by -

"Any fool can be uncomfortable in the field, it takes intelligence to be comfortable"


----------



## XMP (31 Oct 2006)

"The way the government works: In the Garden Of Eden, the military base would be beside the garbage dump".


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## XMP (31 Oct 2006)

Summer, 1975...  CFB Ottawa (N). At that time it was the home of the PDD, better known as the Changing Of The Guard. A GGFG Lt. is walking by the parade square.  RCR MWO on the other side of the square salutes the Lt. The Lt, his mind no doubt occupied with matters of importance such as "it's only 10 minutes to happy hour" fails to notice and return the salute. MWO screams "Sir! I'm saluting you!". Without a pause the Lt says "and so you should, Sergeant Major".

WO to a recruit: "I wouldn't p*ss on you if you was on fire".


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## Trooper Hale (31 Oct 2006)

- "Move with the speed of a thousand startled gizelles"

Our Sgt after having a week of non-stop running PT
_ "Today i've got a treat! We'r going to go for a bike ride...unfortunately we dont have any bikes, so its going to look at awful lot like running!"


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## alfie (31 Oct 2006)

No offense intended to the RCASC,  Take that duece out for a test drive to the Dixe Lee


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## Red Phase (31 Oct 2006)

_start quote_ we train for war to make war like training _end quote_


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## Teflon (31 Oct 2006)

PTSD?,... I don't get PTSD, I'm a carrier I give it!

Dr. Grossman (U.S. L.Col Retd.)


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## Roadracer (31 Oct 2006)

"In the absence of orders, go find something and kill it." Erwin Rommel. 

Witnessed: 
Chief (Purple in the face after watching the young seaman completely messing up his task): "OH MY GOD Ordinary Seaman! You are a &#@%ing sausage!" 
OS: "Yes chief."
Chief: "DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU ARE A &#@%ING SAUSAGE?"
OS: "No chief."
Chief: "Because you are a bunch of useless meat wrapped in dead skin that's why!"


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## wannabe SF member (31 Oct 2006)

What makes war a game is that it has winners and loosers.
What makes war a war is that there are always more loosers than winners.


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## Darth_Hamel (2 Nov 2006)

This summer in Gagetown:

"This isn't random c*ckery, it's just a way to move to a new location for some highly effective training"
   - from a brand new MCpl before making us do the airborne shuffle 3km in the middle of a FTX n order to have a leapord crawling race accross a patch of gravel

"The regulations state I must allow you to have a camera, but I'm against it.... that's how the Somolia affair happened"
"That's funny WO I could have sworn it had more to do with undisciplined troops beating some teenager to death"
   - a very ballsy OCdt to our course WO during the out clearance week

"So Sgt how was our drill for the grad parade"
"Outstanding for a group of junior officers"
"So in other words shit"

"Welcome to the club"
- our ass hole Captain upon our passing CAP with the above mentioned WO making faces at him behind his back


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## paracowboy (2 Nov 2006)

Darth_Hamel said:
			
		

> "Welcome to the club"
> - our ass hole Captain upon our passing CAP with the above mentioned WO making faces at him behind his back


excuse me? A WO making faces at the back of an officer where Candidates could see?


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## vonGarvin (2 Nov 2006)

paracowboy said:
			
		

> excuse me? A WO making faces at the back of an officer where Candidates could see?


No WO that I know would do that.  Unprofessional in my professional opinion.


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## paracowboy (2 Nov 2006)

von Garvin said:
			
		

> No WO that I know would do that.  Unprofessional in my professional opinion.


oh, it happens. Usually by some dinosaur who subscribes to that "Ossifers vs NCM" mentality. Not the fun teasing between professionals, but the bitter insecurity of some. 

I just want to clarify that it's not cool.


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## redleafjumper (3 Nov 2006)

Wow.  That sounds like a "career firing alright, career STOPS!" situation.  Acts like that contribute to a break down of discipline at all levels.


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## Darth_Hamel (3 Nov 2006)

redleafjumper said:
			
		

> Wow.  That sounds like a "career firing alright, career STOPS!" situation.  Acts like that contribute to a break down of discipline at all levels.



I couldn't agree more, that course is a perfect example of what happens to a unit when the office fails to listen to his senior NCO's, and the NCO's respond by smearing you to the troops. I a word chaos.


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## Jacqueline (5 Nov 2006)

I forget where I heard this one...


If you don't do your part, the enemy will let you see your own heart, and then blow your a$$ backwards.


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## Trooper Hale (17 Nov 2006)

I've got a new one for all you leaders out there! When all the big wigs get together and talk about something or organise, plan, sort, its a;
"Practical Exercise Not Involving Soldiers". Or, for ease of memory, PENIS.

And as a Captain said to me this week, "Mate, never judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes...Then what do you care? Your a mile away and you've got his shoes!"


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## Haggis (17 Nov 2006)

paracowboy said:
			
		

> oh, it happens. Usually by some dinosaur who subscribes to that "Ossifers vs NCM" mentality. Not the fun teasing between professionals, but the bitter insecurity of some.



I'm a dinosaur and I find that unacceptable.


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## ZipperHead (17 Nov 2006)

Haggis said:
			
		

> I'm a dinosaur and I find that unacceptable.



Oddly enough, we had a discussion today about the term "dinosaur": our elite panel of judges (a bunch of dumb-ass Army guys) decided that "dinosaur" had more to do with attitude than age. As in: a 20 year old who still thinks that the "good old days" were the best (yeah, right) is more of a dinosaur than a 50 year old who thinks "outside of the box" (I am really starting to hate that expression, but it serves it's purpose for this discussion).

I suppose the intended meaning is that the dinosaurs didn't evolve, so they died out. Too bad the "dinosaurs" in the military don't die out at a faster rate. I mean, sure we'd miss all the cool Cold War and Cyprus stories  :warstory:, but I think we'd make out OK.  >

Al


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## wannabe SF member (18 Nov 2006)

Don't call me sir, i work for a living.

-A rather mad NCO tired of recruits calling him sir-


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## The Bread Guy (27 Nov 2006)

*"It is difficult to be a good non-commissioned officer.  If it had been easy, they would have given it to the officer corps."*

William A. Connelly, Sergeant Major of the Army (USA), quoted by Command Sergeant Major J.D. Pendry in "The Three Meter Zone:  Common Sense Leadership for NCOs" (New York:  Presidio Press, 1999)


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## wannabe SF member (27 Nov 2006)

The death of a man is a tragedy, the death of a million men is a statistic.                                                                             

-Joseph Stalin-(

Yes my signature is the same 8))


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## Sig_Des (25 Dec 2006)

WO to basic platoon, with a thick French accent:

"It 'as come to hour attentions dat sum of you's do not like being called "Shitpumps". Hit is a new armys, so we won't call you "shitpumps" hanymore. From now one, we will calls you "muffins". Just so's you knows, when we call you "muffins", we really mean "shitpumps". H-ok, "muffins" ?"


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## TN2IC (25 Dec 2006)

Hale said:
			
		

> And as a Captain said to me this week, "Mate, never judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes...Then what do you care? Your a mile away and you've got his shoes!"





Hale I must say that is the only thing that made any sence to me today... or tomorrow... or the day after....  ;D


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## Black Watch (31 Dec 2006)

before the hollydays, the RSM told us to be "carefull about those meat heads watching over the base"


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## DFW2T (31 Dec 2006)

As we were enemy force for a phase III Inf.  course in G'town, our section was dug in and waiting for the enemy (Ocdts) to advance when we heard the loudest fart we ever heard.  As most of us were trying to staunch our laughter our section commander yelled out .....
"KEEP TALKING SIR...WE'LL FIND YOU!"
Well needless to say we were not hard to find after that.


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## Michael OLeary (4 Mar 2007)

For your browsing pleasure, a few more quotes have been posted at The Regimental Rogue: http://regimentalrogue.com/quotes/quotes.htm


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## Reccesoldier (6 Mar 2007)

Chawki Bensalem said:
			
		

> Don't call me sir, i work for a living.
> 
> -A rather mad NCO tired of recruits calling him sir-



Or,

Don't call me sir, my parents were married.  ;D

 :warstory:
A certain (to remain nameless) Cpl is driving his CO from Sarajevo to Visoko (94/95) early in the tour.  The CO is dozing off in the passenger seat.

CPL rather loudly:  You know I'd be fking embarrased.

CO startled out of his slumber:  Hmm, What was that Cpl H*****?

CPL:  I'd be fking embarrased if it took me six months to get a Battlegroup together.

*The Cpl never drove the CO again... and loved it!*

A young Captain is in a Gastoff in Germany trying to pick a fight with some locals who won't take his bait.

The Captain moves over to a couple of Cpls by the bar...

CAPT:  These damn Germans aren't very agressive are they?

Same Cpl as in the first story:  Form them up in Tanks by Division and you'll see how agressive they can be.

Ah, I miss B*** H*****.  ;D


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## Trooper Hale (6 Mar 2007)

While on a parade, Cpl walks along trying to find someone looking for him. When he finds him,
"Dont look at me son, you cant afford me"


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## recce4life (14 Jun 2007)

What are some of your favorite quotes you have heard in your time in from basic to now from your fav instructor or Sgt?  My all time favorite is "Sounds like a personal problem there troop"


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## Trooper Hale (15 Jun 2007)

Some of my favourite lines can be found in the previous 46 pages... ;D
SSM catches a bunch of fellers asleep on the benches in the back of a Carrier
"What the hell do you think you men are doing?!?!"
One rises up, rubs his eyes, scratches his head and replies,
"Personal Admin Sir?",
"...Keep at it then fellers...And at least put the ramps up!"


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## Long in the tooth (15 Jun 2007)

Airborne CSM says to me

"Great initiative there, Corporal, but please let the Officer Cadets do their tasks!"


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## RetiredRoyal (26 Jun 2007)

heard this during morning inspection in Cornwallis in 1982...

"BLOGGINS!!!!! Did you brush your g%#$damn teeth this morning.....you smell lie the North end of a South bound cow!!!"

Also, our CSM in Dukes Company, 1 RCR used to like this one at the odd smoker or two.

*takes false teeth out and holds them with an extended arm while staring down prey 

"I'll F%&*$in drop ya before these hit the ground"


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## Lumadue (3 Oct 2007)

While standing at attention there was a guy who couldnt stand still and he would move his upper chest a bit and the Mcpl saw him and said "god damn it (name) if you move again i'm gonna slap your titties and watch them jiggle"

During inspection my Mbdr saw picutres of me before i went on course with facial hair and commented on me looking like a gangbanger, and then left to the next guy in the room, while the person across the room was still chuckling he added "Geez (name) with you breathing on my neck its kinda turning me on"

again during inspection the entire room was giggling and trying not to laugh and the Mcpl said "if i wanted to be funny i would be wearing a fucking clown suit"

there was a guy who was to wait at the entrace of the barracks and wait for our seargeant to finish with inspections and he had completely forgotten about telling him to wait outside and my room was right above the entrance and all i hear was " WHAT THE FUCKING ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE?"

the Mcpl was yelling at us for not being outside on time and was giving us a lecture on how people could die if we don't meet our timing so late that day after lunch, we were standing outside wiating for the other platoon to finish eating and then one of the privates says 

"Master Coporal"
Mcpl: What?
"if we were at war we would be dead, right?"
Mcpl: What the hell are you talking about? 

again after lunch, we had to wait for the platoon again
"Master Corporal"
what do you want now (name)
"can we do some push-ups while we wait"
NO!
"why not?
Because i said so
(moment of silence)
"how about now"
damn it (name) Push up position now!
"but we're still digesting, can we do them later?"


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## MedTechStudent (31 Oct 2007)

Heard a fellow squad member get this one yelled at him (back in Cadets mind you) while on course at Trenton, I'm sure the Flight Sgt. didn't make this up cause it was way too good but i still found it funny.

F/Sgt: OK boys its time to go for a little run..**hand goes up**...ya what is it?

Random Cadet: But F/Sgt it's raining out we're all gonna get soaked... 

F/Sgt: Not if you run around the drops!!

Priceless


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## medaid (31 Oct 2007)

We had 'squads' in Air Cadets   Wow... to think I taught all those years and never knew that... I thought we had 'syndicates' 'sections' but never a 'squad' maybe they do things different in Trenton  :


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## MedTechStudent (31 Oct 2007)

Ouch... 

Fine, it was a "flight" to be exact


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## TN2IC (31 Oct 2007)

Retired M/Cpl Dragoon in Gagetown


M/CPL: Who's the sexiest man in NATO? And why Am I?  :rofl:


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## xena (31 Oct 2007)

Spoken to recruits:  "Some of you, in your military careers may come across Master Corporals who seem to think they are God.  You can rest assured, that with me, such is not the case, for I am merely God's 2i/c."

"I am a friendly Master Corporal.  You can call me by my first name:  Master".


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## Thompson_JM (1 Nov 2007)

From the movie shooter.... because it really was just such a great line...

Colonel Isaac Johnson:: I have places to be, Im out of here..

Attorney General Russert: Colonel, your moral compass is so f***ed up, I'll be shocked if you manage to find your way back to the parking lot. 

 ;D You have to admit it is a pretty good line


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## Trooper Hale (2 Nov 2007)

Same movie.
"I dont think you understand...They killed my dog"


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## S.Stewart (2 Nov 2007)

My favorite two quotes from the movie Gardens of Stone:

CSM-  How do worms Copulate BOY?!?
Troop- Uh...They don't Sergent Major...they use assexual reproduction.
CSM- AHH...hmm...Asexual reproduction...reproducing without sex. Any idea who first came up with that idea?
Troop-Your wife Seargent Major?

Toast said over a drink in the mess:
To us and those like us....... there's damn few left


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## PMedMoe (2 Nov 2007)

From the same movie:

CSM (played by James Earl Jones):  "Make a hole and make it wide."


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## Reccesoldier (8 Nov 2007)

And again...

"Some days you eat the bear, some days the bear eats you."

(PS... the book is better.)


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## timma (10 Nov 2007)

From  Brothers in Arms Road to Hill 30 :
If it screams, shoot it. If it screams in German shoot it again


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## BinRat55 (19 Nov 2007)

Witnessed personally on a parade square some years ago in Petawawa:

Scenerio - 200+ RCR's on parade.  En masse.

Drill command: RIght... turn.  YOU - YOU - fourth man in eighth man back - you did a flat-footed turn on my parade square.  You are a donkey.  I'l orbit you around this parade square until your head dissapears up your ANUS!!!

Can anyone guess who?

Same man - all tigers, no donkeys.


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## Reccesoldier (19 Nov 2007)

Witnessed on the 8CH parade square in Petawawa...

Regemental parade practice, officers practicing drawing swords...

RSM Duffney:  "You!!  (points to some hapless Trooper)  Make a sound like a Drum!"

The same man also ordered a hovering 444 Sqn Helicopter "Off his parade square" during another Regt'l parade practice.


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## TN2IC (20 Nov 2007)

“We are not retreating. We are advancing in another direction.” Douglas MacArthur


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## LineJumper (10 Jun 2009)

On soldiering as a Lineman....

My generation never was the best and brightest. We are however, creative and courageous.

 :camo:


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## SeanNewman (31 Oct 2009)

While loading the buses in battalion lines to make the drive to Trenton for our tour, the CO walked around to see us all off and give us some last-minute motivation.

Upon seeing the Intelligence Officer was on our bus, he said "[Name], when we get over there, make sure you tell me where all those Taliban are".

The entire bus roared into gallows-humour laughter with the Int O's response: "Don't worry Sir, they'll find us".


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## x512er (31 Oct 2009)

Quote from the movie Heartbreak Ridge..
 GSgt. Highway: You look like the poster child for a prophylactic company.

Quote from M/cpl. in CFRS Cornwallis: Lad you are nothing but whale s***, and there is nothing else on this planet as low as whale s***.


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## mariomike (1 Nov 2009)

x512er said:
			
		

> Quote from M/cpl. in CFRS Cornwallis: Lad you are nothing but whale s***, and there is nothing else on this planet as low as whale s***.



What if it floats?:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nbnyH8DudLk&feature=related


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## x512er (1 Nov 2009)

mariomike said:
			
		

> What if it floats?:
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nbnyH8DudLk&feature=related



 Thanks MM. I guess drill instructors don't know "everything" afterall. Who knew? :

p.s. quite *uplifting  * to find out your not as low as previously told.


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## mariomike (1 Nov 2009)

x512er said:
			
		

> Thanks MM. I guess drill instructors don't know "everything" afterall. Who knew? :



They do! Did you ever hear the story of the sand flea?:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZtNnIzEQLc
"What sex was that sand flea?”
“Female, Sir!”
(After close examination), “Nope, wrong one!”
http://www.tcm.com/tcmdb/title.jsp?stid=72075&category=Notes


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## x512er (2 Nov 2009)

Haven't seen the movie.
 Thought of another quote overheard in drill hall: "You move like a pregnant,paraplegic slug in heat."


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## KnightShift (6 Feb 2010)

"You look like your face caught on fire and got put out with a wet chain".

Heard that one over three years ago and I still laugh whenever i think of it  :blotto:


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## ballz (6 Feb 2010)

When asked how you can tell if an RPG is unloaded and safe:

"Well you can usually tell if it's loaded because there's a big f**king rocket sticking out of it"
-WO Frightening

Riding in a pick-up to go locate some lost kit, our Sgt. turns on some 90s dance music.
"I guess you kids haven't even heard this stuff before. Came out in 1990. How old were you in 1990 Sheppard?" "1 year old Sgt" "Oh my god my back hurts."

First day of course, Sgt is telling us how everything works, has slipped a few f bombs already, and realizes it, asks if anybody minds that he's swearing because he's not supposed to. "If you do just come talk to me about it after and we can hug, hold hands, sing koom-bye-yah and I'll $#!+ you a flower."


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## SocialyDistorted (7 Feb 2010)

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch 

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.  

“Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.
Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.”


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## mariomike (7 Feb 2010)

Can't be bothered to look up the exact quotes tonight. 
But, Lady Astor also made the D-Day Dodgers crack. They sang it to "Lili Marlene":
"Now Lady Astor, get a load of this.
Don't stand up on a platform and talk a load of piss.
You're the nation's sweetheart, the nation's pride
We think your mouth's too bloody wide.
We are the D-Day Dodgers, in Sunny Italy."

Also she, supposedly, told Sir Winston he was drunk. To which he replied something like, "Yes, I am. But, in the morning I will be sober, but you will still be ugly."
Even if he was loaded to the gills, he still did a good job during the war.
I hope I got that right?!


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## Thompson_JM (7 May 2010)

"Sweet Jesus Troop... If Ignorance is bliss you must be the happiest man on earth"


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## joning soon. (17 Mar 2015)

a good one from my football coach, to a reciever who fumbled an easy catch
"jesus christ in a hand basket, did you miss the operation date for your double-hand transplant?"


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