# How do I address "non-professional" chemistry with a subordinate if nothing's happened?



## TacticalRecourse (19 Feb 2022)

Okay, here's my situation.

I'm a relatively fresh LT (I'll make captain this year). There's a Cpl who works at my unit, but not directly underneath me. She is VERY flirty with me (touching my arms when I'm sitting next to her, general demeanor etc. I'm not imagining things multiple people have made comments about it). I'll admit, I'm totally into it. I maintain my professionalism around her but we're the exact same age and yes, I find her very attractive. I'm experienced enough at this point in my life to know women can read men like books, so I'm not fooling anyone. Despite how stoic I act she definitely knows that I know that she knows that I know etc.

Don't worry, I'm not an idiot, however great she might be I know she's not worth my career/reputation.

Here's the problem: we're going to be on deployment together for 6 months, sharing a living area etc. etc. I've been blessed by the fact that my work and hers have been almost completely separate. But that's gonna change in a few months. I'm a decent officer, I'm committed to my job and I'll go as far as to say I believe in the work I'm doing. I'm not some slogan repeating boy scout that thinks he's gonna be the Prime Minister someday. My Grandfather was my hero and he inspired me to join, and I do care about what happens in the world, it's as simple as that.

I am not a saint. I would NEVER make advances on a coworker and especially not a subordinate but I'm genuinely afraid that I won't be able to control myself if she makes the first move, which I think is a real possibility. I REALLY want to go on this deployment, this is what I signed up for. I know she wants to go too, so it wouldn't be fair for me to try to get her removed (if I even could).

How do I approach this situation? It honestly feels like I'm fucked. We haven't done anything, so how do I report a personal relationship that doesn't even exist? I've thought about talking to her professionally about it to set boundaries, but what if she's secretly crazy, takes that as rejection and accuses me of harassment or something?

Someone please give me advice. And something more substantial than "Just don't do it man" or "Just do it man" etc. I'm looking for an actual strategy to un-future-fuck myself.

Thank you for reading. I'm pretty worried here.


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## Humphrey Bogart (19 Feb 2022)

TacticalRecourse said:


> Okay, here's my situation.
> 
> I'm a relatively fresh LT (I'll make captain this year). There's a Cpl who works at my unit, but not directly underneath me. She is VERY flirty with me (touching my arms when I'm sitting next to her, general demeanor etc. I'm not imagining things multiple people have made comments about it). I'll admit, I'm totally into it. I maintain my professionalism around her but we're the exact same age and yes, I find her very attractive. I'm experienced enough at this point in my life to know women can read men like books, so I'm not fooling anyone. Despite how stoic I act she definitely knows that I know that she knows that I know etc.
> 
> ...


😍😍😍😍😍😍

Just kidding 😁

In all seriousness why don't you just try talking to her like a normal human being.  If you are feeling some chemistry and you think she is too, why don't you just ask her, politely of course.

If she tells you there is and you two think you would like to see each other outside of work, then say that you want to but also communicate that you want to go on this deployment and it's important to you and while we are at work, you keep it 100% professional.


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## rmc_wannabe (20 Feb 2022)

Just be upfront and transparent about the whole situation. That goes for her, as well as with your respective Chains of Command. You're not the first, or the last, Jr Officer that will fall in love with an NCM.

Where things fall off the rails is when you both cannot separate work life and personal life. If that's something you're both capable of doing, then there's no problem.

 Even in AFG there were service couples on ground. Many kept a professional relationship throughout the tour. The ones that didn't got sent home. 

Best of luck to you, mate.


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## Jarnhamar (20 Feb 2022)

Red flag statements:


TacticalRecourse said:


> I'm genuinely afraid that I won't be able to control myself if she makes the first move


You're a commissioned officer in the CAF, you should work on being able to control yourself.



TacticalRecourse said:


> so it wouldn't be fair for me to try to get her removed (if I even could).


The fact that you even considered trying to get her removed because of your feelings towards her as an option is troubling. It's actually pretty fucked up.


You wouldn't be the first male in the military to misconstrue a woman's friendly manner as an invitation. Listen to Humphrey and talk to her.


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## Remius (20 Feb 2022)

Jarnhamar said:


> Red flag statements:
> 
> You're a commissioned officer in the CAF, you should work on being able to control yourself.
> 
> ...


I have to echo some of this.   You might have considered removing yourself from the deployment given your internal conflict. 

But communication is the key here. Talk to her to make sure it isn’t a misunderstanding.  Then if you both proceed in a consensual relationship make your CoC aware of that. You’ll be saving yourself a few issues down the road. 

Some good advice already voiced by some people here. 

Good luck.


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## daftandbarmy (20 Feb 2022)

TacticalRecourse said:


> Okay, here's my situation.
> 
> I'm a relatively fresh LT (I'll make captain this year). There's a Cpl who works at my unit, but not directly underneath me. She is VERY flirty with me (touching my arms when I'm sitting next to her, general demeanor etc. I'm not imagining things multiple people have made comments about it). I'll admit, I'm totally into it. I maintain my professionalism around her but we're the exact same age and yes, I find her very attractive. I'm experienced enough at this point in my life to know women can read men like books, so I'm not fooling anyone. Despite how stoic I act she definitely knows that I know that she knows that I know etc.
> 
> ...



If you're willing to risk your career over a fling, go for it.

I know there are alot of Generals on the stand right now, but I'm sure they could scootch over a bit for a Senior Lieutentant


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## Navy_Pete (20 Feb 2022)

From what I've seen, if anyone is going to be removed from a deployment due to a relationship it's usually the officer. Not really sure why you think you could report a relationship that doesn't exist though, maybe read the regs?

Also, some people are just flirty (men and women) so it doesn't necessarily mean anything. You may also want to ask another coworker who knows both of you for their opinion instead of random strangers for their opinion first before you make a decision. People can be friends and flirt with each other without any intention of a relationship, but might still be an inappropriate thing to be doing at work anyway.

If the deployment really means that much to you, why mess around? Work relationships happen, but the 'direct chain of command' can be a bit fuzzy and gets messy quick when you are in the same unit and you get matrixed reporting and taskings.

You do you, but big difference between 'we could have some fun' and 'we could grow old together' when the alternative is potentially your career and being a news story.


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## TacticalRecourse (20 Feb 2022)

Jarnhamar said:


> Red flag statements:
> 
> You're a commissioned officer in the CAF, you should work on being able to control yourself.
> 
> ...


"The fact that you even considered trying to get her removed because of your feelings towards her as an option is troubling. It's actually pretty fucked up."

It genuinely sounds like you're actively searching for lines to take out of context so you can sound as virtuous as possible. The whole point of that line is that *I WOULDN'T* consider doing anything to impact her career. I said this so people wouldn't bother advising me to do just that. You and I both know there's a LOT of officers and senior NCOs out there that would. I genuinely don't know how you got that impression but you have no basis to judge me. I haven't done anything wrong and I don't plan to, I made this post to get advice on how to proceed because I'm genuinely lost, I've never been in this situation before and 6 months of living together on tour could be problematic. If I have to take myself off tour I will, but AGAIN you and I both know that's going to impact my career. I'm looking for a solution that will put distance between us without damaging her or my career/reputation.

"You're a commissioned officer in the CAF..." 

I'm not trying to be facetious, but you have to understand, I made this post because I'm looking for actual advice. I'm only human. If "Remember your duty as a servant of the crown." was a useful piece of advice no one would ever get in trouble.


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## Bruce Monkhouse (20 Feb 2022)

To the OP,  you must know this is a very touchy subject right now in the CAF.

For some more then most.....and the range of answers shows that.  Good luck.

Locked


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## Good2Golf (20 Feb 2022)

OP, at this point, it seems you are considering some manner in which to move forward that involves a potential relationship with the other member, short-term, long-term, who’s to say.  However, since this is not an anecdotal/historical, “here was a situation I was in and my thought process that I followed that led to outcome XXX” post, but a future ‘what are some factors for consideration?’ post, and it seems you have ruled out the ‘don’t pursue anything and politely communicate no interest in pursuing anything situation’ option, you are now into the ‘what is acceptable legally/policy-wise (NDA, QR&Os, DAODs, etc.) and if you also wish, what is ethically acceptable (not always the same as legal) position.

At the very least have a good read of QR&O Vol.1, Ch.4 (4.02 and imagine yourself in the future, 4.20). Those aren’t just words, but a code that superiors, peers and subordinates alike, will be looking to you to uphold.

Good luck.

_Edit to add: That’s what I get when I go to make a snack in mid post…come back, finish, hit post and see I posted over a fellow DS’ lock.  Oops. _


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