# So there I was.......



## George Wallace (3 Jan 2009)

So there I was........


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## Mike Baker (3 Jan 2009)

.....all by myself....


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## Nfld Sapper (3 Jan 2009)

...with a glass of scotch.......


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## BernDawg (3 Jan 2009)

...again...


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## Mike Baker (3 Jan 2009)

....and then I saw her.....


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## Michael OLeary (3 Jan 2009)

... in the garden, digging up the wife's roses ....


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## George Wallace (3 Jan 2009)

......a fleeting movement at the moment.......


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## Mike Baker (3 Jan 2009)

....but then said good riddance, because those flowers....


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## Kat Stevens (3 Jan 2009)

blocked my view of the neighbour's...


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## TCBF (3 Jan 2009)

bodies...


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## George Wallace (3 Jan 2009)

......painted so provocatively in their.....


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## Michael OLeary (3 Jan 2009)

...shallow graves, where I had ....


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## Shec (3 Jan 2009)

...planted pink flamingos...


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## Mike Baker (3 Jan 2009)

....with a big fat....


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## aesop081 (3 Jan 2009)

The Beaver said:
			
		

> ....with a big fat....



....black cigar stuck in my........


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## George Wallace (3 Jan 2009)

.......sweaty left mitt, as I chewed on .........


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## Michael OLeary (3 Jan 2009)

... the last of the beef jerky ...


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## Shec (3 Jan 2009)

...with an ear cocked...


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## Mike Baker (3 Jan 2009)

.....wondering where the hell my buddy George was with his...


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## Michael OLeary (3 Jan 2009)

... gladius and pilum ....


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## Shec (3 Jan 2009)

..then I noticed my shoelace was untied...


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## George Wallace (3 Jan 2009)

......as I was in mid flight.......


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## Mike Baker (3 Jan 2009)

...ready to kill the land shark with a freaking laser beam, when suddenly....


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## Niteshade (3 Jan 2009)

...it died because...


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## George Wallace (3 Jan 2009)

......an overly inflated ego had forgotten to.......


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## Michael OLeary (3 Jan 2009)

... program my Zune for leap years ...


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## larry Strong (3 Jan 2009)

.....and there I was.....


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## Harris (3 Jan 2009)

...surrounded by hungry Zulus...


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## HItorMiss (3 Jan 2009)

....Thinking no fair....


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## George Wallace (3 Jan 2009)

....then I remembered.......


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## Michael OLeary (3 Jan 2009)

... that Domino's delivers in 30 minutes or it's free ...


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## HItorMiss (3 Jan 2009)

...then I wondered how that would help with the Zulu's.....


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## George Wallace (3 Jan 2009)

.......however, hunger took over and with a keg of beer I..........


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## Mike Baker (3 Jan 2009)

....drank and ate so much while watching....


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## kkwd (3 Jan 2009)

.... a bus pick up the Zulu's ....


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## George Wallace (3 Jan 2009)

....driven by Michael Kane on the way to..........


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## kkwd (3 Jan 2009)

.... Las Vegas ....


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## Nfld Sapper (3 Jan 2009)

...to meet Gil Grissom.....


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## Niteshade (3 Jan 2009)

... who was wrist deep in...


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## kkwd (3 Jan 2009)

.... chicken wings at the buffet ....


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## Nfld Sapper (3 Jan 2009)

... with Sara Sidle .....


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## ringer98 (3 Jan 2009)

...which was weird because...


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## kkwd (3 Jan 2009)

.... they don't exist ....


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## Fishbone Jones (4 Jan 2009)

.........unless it's in the deranged and drug addled.............


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## kkwd (4 Jan 2009)

.... world of Captain Crunch and the Rice Krispies boys ....


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## dregeneau (4 Jan 2009)

....watching Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas....


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## kkwd (4 Jan 2009)

.... but not really since everybody was back on the bus headed to ....


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## p_imbeault (4 Jan 2009)

.....the siesta on the beach...


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## kkwd (4 Jan 2009)

.... but someone forgot to bring the blankets so ....


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## Mike Baker (4 Jan 2009)

....I had to go to Wal Mart, where I saw to my horror....


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## PMedMoe (4 Jan 2009)

....that it was only July but the Christmas items were out.  So I went to......


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## Mike Baker (4 Jan 2009)

....the liquor store because....


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## dregeneau (4 Jan 2009)

....everyone loves marineland, except...


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## PMedMoe (4 Jan 2009)

....the dolphins because they get tired of working all the time, so they.......


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## George Wallace (4 Jan 2009)

......splash water all over the.........


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## kkwd (4 Jan 2009)

.... gift shop soaking the ....


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## geo (4 Jan 2009)

...T-shirts thru & thru....


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## Panzer Grenadier (4 Jan 2009)

...all the while, the guy in the clown suit...


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## George Wallace (4 Jan 2009)

....continued to sing.......


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## geo (4 Jan 2009)

...''we are the champions''....


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## kkwd (4 Jan 2009)

.... realizing he was so darn old not knowing a newer song so he ....


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## George Wallace (4 Jan 2009)

......lip synced to Milli Vannilli who.......


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## geo (4 Jan 2009)

... lip synced to Hellen Keller's rousing rendition of ''here come the clowns''...


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## George Wallace (4 Jan 2009)

.....while balancing on ...........


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## kkwd (4 Jan 2009)

.... his nose causing ....


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## dregeneau (4 Jan 2009)

...giant leprachauns to haggle customers for....


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## Mike Baker (4 Jan 2009)

....their dirty clothes so that they can take over the world, but then the....


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## Niteshade (4 Jan 2009)

superhero looked up and saw...


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## George Wallace (4 Jan 2009)

....way up high, amongst the........


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## Fishbone Jones (4 Jan 2009)

....shitbirds.........


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## HItorMiss (4 Jan 2009)

....and the shithawks fleeing from the incoming shitstorm....


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## Michael OLeary (4 Jan 2009)

.... it was Mr. Lahey and Randy ....


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## Shec (4 Jan 2009)

...arguing whether to drink the whole can of beer or use 1/2 of it to roast a chicken...


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## George Wallace (4 Jan 2009)

......a option taken out of desperation when........


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## geo (4 Jan 2009)

... they realised that I had already consumed the 1st half of the beer...


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## HItorMiss (4 Jan 2009)

.....While Randy lemented that it was chicken and not cheese burgers......


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## CURT (4 Jan 2009)

... bubbles, julian, and ricky pulled up in the shit mobile...


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## HItorMiss (4 Jan 2009)

....While Stephen Dion......


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## geo (4 Jan 2009)

... played with his own "crap mobile" in his crib....


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## larry Strong (4 Jan 2009)

...lamenting over the fact he won't be "le grand fromage"....


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## TCBF (4 Jan 2009)

... but merely the driver of the get-away car ...


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## geo (4 Jan 2009)

... burning tons of fossil fuels as he makes his getaway...


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## Mike Baker (4 Jan 2009)

....which angered his father-in-law, the one and only Jack Layton, who....


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## geo (4 Jan 2009)

... threatened to trade him in for a new son-in-law...


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## Shec (4 Jan 2009)

...who used to be a Green Party candidate...


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## Panzer Grenadier (4 Jan 2009)

...ironically named Al Gore...


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## George Wallace (4 Jan 2009)

.......now famous for his girth and lectures on.........


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## Nfld Sapper (4 Jan 2009)

.... this global warming thingy.......


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## geo (4 Jan 2009)

... and it's effect on the growth & eating of POTATOES...


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## George Wallace (4 Jan 2009)

......and the trials and tribulations of Lemmiwinks as he traveled up.......


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## Old Sweat (4 Jan 2009)

a rapidly receding glacier . . .


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## kkwd (4 Jan 2009)

.... made of frozen pea soup and eye snot with ....


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## Michael OLeary (4 Jan 2009)

... a mix of other matter that CSI couldn't unravel in less than a two-hour special ...


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## George Wallace (4 Jan 2009)

....bringing up the question, what were you doing in........


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## Michael OLeary (4 Jan 2009)

...  the back of that Deuce with a platoon of ....


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## kkwd (4 Jan 2009)

.... recently unemployed Santas wearing ....


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## Michael OLeary (4 Jan 2009)

... caribou skin loincloths on their way to ...


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## George Wallace (4 Jan 2009)

....the Fireman's Ball, hosted by......


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## kkwd (4 Jan 2009)

.... Freddie Krueger who was missing his ....


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## Michael OLeary (4 Jan 2009)

... frontal lobes after a nasty workplace accident in the ....


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## George Wallace (4 Jan 2009)

...Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory's vat room on level 9 of ........


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## kkwd (4 Jan 2009)

.... the world HQ of KAOS owned by ....


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## Nfld Sapper (4 Jan 2009)

.... Donald Trump.......


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## George Wallace (4 Jan 2009)

.......well....Ivana, who got it as .........


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## kkwd (4 Jan 2009)

.... the booby prize in the divorce settlement but then she ....


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## Mike Baker (4 Jan 2009)

....married a North Korean General, who had ties with....


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## kkwd (4 Jan 2009)

.... Donald Duck who usually wore ....


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## 241 (4 Jan 2009)

....fishnets and a frilly pink thong...


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## Mike Baker (4 Jan 2009)

....but also got a CADPAT one from....


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## Michael OLeary (4 Jan 2009)

... the Technoviking ...


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## kkwd (4 Jan 2009)

.... but that was poor quality so ....


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## George Wallace (4 Jan 2009)

.......I asked for one from the Jumpmaster and.......


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## kkwd (4 Jan 2009)

.... thought that was aces by golly so I ordered ....


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## Old Sweat (4 Jan 2009)

Open Order, March . . . .


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## kkwd (4 Jan 2009)

.... and collected everybody's ....


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## larry Strong (4 Jan 2009)

....tinky winky's....


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## Panzer Grenadier (4 Jan 2009)

...and Tac Vests, rousing praise from all, especially the...


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## kkwd (4 Jan 2009)

..... 7 guys with dangling ....


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## Old Sweat (4 Jan 2009)

expired freebie coupons from the KAF Timmies . . .


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## George Wallace (4 Jan 2009)

....handed out past their......


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## kkwd (4 Jan 2009)

.... dripping noses caused by ....


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## TCBF (5 Jan 2009)

... a nasty roundworm infestation ...


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... but it is lucky they are tasty fried with a side of mushrooms and ....


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## CougarKing (5 Jan 2009)

....shrunken human heads extra crispy and dipped in.... :blotto:


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## Niteshade (5 Jan 2009)

... a sauce with the consist ency of...


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... 8 day old ham omelet with the addition of ....


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## armyvern (5 Jan 2009)

...tx'd tabasco sauce hastily removed from the pockets of their hot pink pleatherette chaps hwhich were being held up by...


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## George Wallace (5 Jan 2009)

...clear plastic suspenders with ..........


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## dregeneau (5 Jan 2009)

...the jumpmaster's CADPAT thong tied into a necktie for...


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## armyvern (5 Jan 2009)

...using as a nice 'lil whip on leopard printed...


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## George Wallace (5 Jan 2009)

....tights designed by....


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## armyvern (5 Jan 2009)

...elves from the northern...


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## George Wallace (5 Jan 2009)

....enclave of Thunder Bay, a Top Secret........


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## Panzer Grenadier (5 Jan 2009)

...Col. Sanders research facility which...


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## Shec (5 Jan 2009)

... researches improvements into the medically questioned nutritional value of KFC...


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... but that was all smoke and mirrors and everybody loves it when eaten with ....


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## Weinie (5 Jan 2009)

A sixteen century Japanese fighting fan and...


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## Old Sweat (5 Jan 2009)

rubber boots and a tutu gracefully offset by . . .


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... a truck driven by the Jolly Green Giant carrying ....


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## geo (5 Jan 2009)

.... more trucks, destined for.....


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## Shec (5 Jan 2009)

...the "Square Deal Used Car & Truck Lot"...


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## The Bread Guy (5 Jan 2009)

...which, in reality is a front for a sinister....


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## geo (5 Jan 2009)

... square pegs in round holes gang....


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

... called the Moderators of Milnet.ca (a.k.a. M.o.M.) ....


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## geo (5 Jan 2009)

... known by their friends as the Propagators of Peace (aka P.o.P.)...


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## Shec (5 Jan 2009)

...and on a dark and stormy night...


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

... when the Trolls danced on the forums and proclaimed their own innocence amidst a bloodbath of warnings ...


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## Mike Baker (5 Jan 2009)

.....Super Beaver came to save the day.....


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

... withe his ranger blakent cape and tightie-whities worn outside his pants ....


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## Shec (5 Jan 2009)

..."Good Golly Miss Molly" he exclaimed...


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... I have business at the local brothel and I need ....


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## The Bread Guy (5 Jan 2009)

...to adjust my Coke-bottle-bottomed glasses and outie-tightie-whities (in that order) before ....


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

... I use my chewing gum, the foil from a ciggy pack, and an empty condom wrapper, to McGyver up one juicy little .....


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## Shec (5 Jan 2009)

...rendition of the "Shooting of Dan McGrew" while standing on a table...


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... on my head holding my ....


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

.... first edition Hardy Boys detective manual .....


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## Shec (5 Jan 2009)

...on the same hand upon which is my secret decoder ring...


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... that I found in a packet of frozen fish fingers stolen from ....


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

... a gang of homesick Newfoundlanders who ...


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... were doing the Newfie Polka on ....


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## ringer98 (5 Jan 2009)

...a rubber dingy in the bathtub which...


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

... was hardly safe in the opinion of ....


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... Dave the no arm paper hanger who has ....


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

... worn his Army.ca swag in such inappropriate places as ....


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... the BOR of the Royal Underground Balloon Squadron commanded by ....


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## Shec (5 Jan 2009)

...Red Green...


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

... who is really the nephew of the (in)famous Lord Flashheart, who is best known for ...


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... for having no head but instead has a  ....


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## Shec (5 Jan 2009)

... VD awarded for singlehandely, and without regard for his own personal safety, ...


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.....stuffed 12 fish with sawdust and cream cheese for presentation to ....


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

... the judges in a weird game show watched only in Japan ...


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## dapaterson (5 Jan 2009)

...by twelve year-old bys and salaryment...


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

... who have been moved to a window office with an empty in-basket ....


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... reserved for cigarette butts and ....


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## Shec (5 Jan 2009)

... a karoke machine...


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## Nfld Sapper (5 Jan 2009)

... held together with the handymans seceret weapon guntape duct tape....


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

... and filled with pre-teen American pop star tracks, except for one incongruous song, which was ....


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... secretly encoded with subliminal suggestions for ....


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

... a mission that would make Jason Bourne wet his pants ...


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## Shec (5 Jan 2009)

...when suddenly it occured to him that...


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... underwear goes on the inside and ....


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

... a nearby computer would let him make a new account on Army.ca, from an IP address from which he had not yet been banned ...


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## Shec (5 Jan 2009)

... so off he went, as fast his legs could carry him...


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... to see the sea and get a C in geography followed by ....


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

.... a deranged highlander quoting Burns in a dialect never heard in the Highlands...


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## Shec (5 Jan 2009)

... but often heard rising above the calls of the audience on the Jerry Springer Show


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... wearing a kilt in the pattern of the Clan MacNoodleWeavers scratching ....


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## dapaterson (5 Jan 2009)

... his flea-infested dog, Scotty...


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... who was a rare mix of dead cat and sheep but he still ....


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

... stuck his snout into the crotch of anyone unwary enough to ....


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## Mike Baker (5 Jan 2009)

....watch Star Trek.....


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

... through the windows of the used television store, outside of which the dirty highlander stood, boldly waving his squeegee like a claymore, and holding a bottle of yellowish liquid that looked strangely like ....


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## Old Sweat (5 Jan 2009)

a five man arctic tent . . .


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... full of Tsing Tao beer that had been used twice and smelled like ....


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

.... a baboon troop living in an NDHQ cubicle heated by a Coleman two-burner fueled with their own dung ...


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... and little bits of personnel files and after they ....


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

.. raided the coffee stations on the Executive Floors ....


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... dressed in chain mail with bowls on their heads until ....


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

... some ring knocking careerist cornered them in the elevator lobby ...


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

... so they gutted him (or her) and hung his (or her) head in their break room for all to see and ....


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

... rewrote the merit list using a random number generator, which, strangely, turned out much better than anyone had expected, except ....


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... they all got sacked and had red hot pokers ....


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## ringer98 (5 Jan 2009)

...jammed into uncomfortable place whilst on the way to...


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... Outer Mongolia sucking on yak snot sickles and hoping for ....


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## Old Sweat (5 Jan 2009)

a place on TF 03-09 along with . . .


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... 17 crocodiles requiring dental work that will be done by ....


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## Niteshade (5 Jan 2009)

... chimpanzee's with broken finger's all the while...


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... having their backs shaved with dull razors just bought from Canex at inflated prices so everybody ....


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## armyvern (5 Jan 2009)

...can laugh at them while dancing a merry...


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... one foot hop dance popular in biker bars and ice cream shops while wearing ....


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## Nfld Sapper (5 Jan 2009)

.....assless chaps........


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... traded in for frontless chaps and beanies made of belly button lint and ....


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## Haggis (5 Jan 2009)

... two foot steel pickets for propellers....


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... nailed on tight with 6 inch spikes directly through ....


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## R. Jorgensen (5 Jan 2009)

...the desk of Ralph Nader...


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## Weinie (5 Jan 2009)

who, finally, was elected into a highly coveted and powerful position, that of


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... mouth breathing, knuckle dragging, soup slurping, bungy jumping, flannel faced sons of ....


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## R. Jorgensen (5 Jan 2009)

...the Incredible Hulk, who had recently come out of UCLA...


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... Universal Crap Loaders Association seconded to ....


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## Panzer Grenadier (5 Jan 2009)

...Darth Vadar who absconded with the Imperial Fleet in order to attack...


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... the bean and wiener factory on the border of ....


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## larry Strong (5 Jan 2009)

.....Neverland Ranch......


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... guarded by 15 gorillas dressed in pink plastic rain hats with copious amounts of .....


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## Shec (5 Jan 2009)

...SRD rum...


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... "Soon Runs Dry" so we build ....


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

... another paper mache memorial to the modern Frontiersmen ...


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## Nfld Sapper (5 Jan 2009)

....while eating an authentic Quebec Poutine......


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

... from Bubba's in Kingston ....


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## Nfld Sapper (5 Jan 2009)

... Jamaica........


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... with a fork made of hair from the head of bigfoot and his wife ....


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

... massaging my feet as i ate ....


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## Old Sweat (5 Jan 2009)

lung in a bag left over from RV 89 . . .


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... which was left over from RV 81 so I ....


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

... decided it was time to stop whining and ....


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## Shec (5 Jan 2009)

...went to the Legion for a beer...


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... but they only had war surplus fermented monkey meat juice and ....


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

.... bully beef with Egyptian labels pasted over the German ones ....


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## Nfld Sapper (5 Jan 2009)

.... which had a funny smell ......


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... like unwashed foot wraps of Russian soldiers living in a swamp of sewer sludge from Leningrad so we .....


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

... refried it with a hot sauce that came with a warning which stated ....


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... "not for human consumption but ok for animals and soldiers" causing us to ....


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## George Wallace (5 Jan 2009)

....use them to replace worn trackpads on our..........


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## Panzer Grenadier (5 Jan 2009)

...Imperial Walkers, however...


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... they explode when they go over 20 k distance a day so we upgrade to ....


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## Shec (5 Jan 2009)

...flip-flops...


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... made from from the brains of wild cows found only on Bell Island but ....


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## Shec (5 Jan 2009)

...meanwhile, back at the ranch...


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## George Wallace (5 Jan 2009)

...Lou Gehrig was playing.....


----------



## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

... as he watched the assless chap wearing cowboys herding the wild Naugas, which are raised for the faux furniture industry and ...


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## George Wallace (5 Jan 2009)

...When I regained consciousness.......


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... I saw a flat faced guy suddenly explode in a shower of guts and lollipops giving ....


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

... credence to that old adage ....


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## George Wallace (5 Jan 2009)

...Give a dog a bone and he will.......


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## Old Sweat (5 Jan 2009)

try to screw it . . .


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... into the light socket with ...


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## Shec (5 Jan 2009)

... a Swiss Army Knife...


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## George Wallace (5 Jan 2009)

....with all four hoofs paws straight up in the.......


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... beer tap dispensing chocolate finger nail scrapings along with ....


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

... one magazine of homemade dum-dum rounds for my trusty ...


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## George Wallace (5 Jan 2009)

...woman in a chartreuse mini bus, following a rig hauling hogs to


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... the surprise birthday party of 2 dead guys but we ....


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## Shec (5 Jan 2009)

...panted in anticipation as her long slender fingers caressed...


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... the can of chicken noodle soup with many broken ....


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## Mike Baker (5 Jan 2009)

.....chicken feet, which I.....


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... chewed all the meat off of and then I ....


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## Mike Baker (5 Jan 2009)

...decided to visit Army.ca, so I could....


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... dribble tobacco juice down my chin and feel at home while at the same time ....


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## larry Strong (5 Jan 2009)

.....I read this never ending thread....


----------



## Mike Baker (5 Jan 2009)

....but then I was....


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... slapped up the side of my head by my wife's scary sister holding ....


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## Mike Baker (5 Jan 2009)

....a C8 and all of the kit, saying it was WW3 because....


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... it said so on Army.ca so we all ...


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## George Wallace (5 Jan 2009)

......went to the Pioneer Club/Camalot to.....


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## Mike Baker (5 Jan 2009)

....take up our arms (guns), and fight the Trolls....


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... all the while ignoring the good wholesome ladies with ....


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## geo (5 Jan 2009)

... arms fully laden with litre beer steins....


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... containing their teeth along with ....


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## PMedMoe (5 Jan 2009)

.....used cigarette butts which came from......


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

... an ashtray in a Turkish coffee shop ....


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... run by a water buffalo head named Larry and his partner ....


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

... in crime ...


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

... Judy the hairy armpit who loves to ...


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

... tell about how it was in the Airborne before her sex change ...


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

... and show you her scars located on ....


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## midget-boyd91 (5 Jan 2009)

... the tips of her ...


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

... massive ...


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## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... legs hashed together from dog tails and oak branches which are prone to ....


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## midget-boyd91 (5 Jan 2009)

... fleas, genetically modified to ....


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## Michael OLeary (5 Jan 2009)

... absorb the shock of dropping from the top of ....


----------



## kkwd (5 Jan 2009)

.... a downtown parking meter slicked up with Vaseline and motor oil but still ....


----------



## R. Jorgensen (6 Jan 2009)

...the Justice League...


----------



## Michael OLeary (6 Jan 2009)

... revoked my membership and demanded the return of my decoder ring ....


----------



## Shec (6 Jan 2009)

...which had traded to my neighbour the a$$hole for...


----------



## The Bread Guy (6 Jan 2009)

... my hard-worked-for, unusual, but grossly misunderstood.....


----------



## Haggis (6 Jan 2009)

.... frozen jar of Vaseline...


----------



## Michael OLeary (6 Jan 2009)

.. that I was going to use for ...


----------



## Shec (6 Jan 2009)

...a BFA for my M-72...


----------



## Michael OLeary (6 Jan 2009)

... and a YouTube video that would make me an internet meme forever when I ...


----------



## Haggis (6 Jan 2009)

... finally got naked in my yard, turned on the camera and forgot....


----------



## 211RadOp (6 Jan 2009)

...to set up the tripod..


----------



## Panzer Grenadier (6 Jan 2009)

...because i had it pawned for an old camstick which...


----------



## Haggis (6 Jan 2009)

... had hardened and was full of sand.  Once I warmed it over the stove....


----------



## PMedMoe (6 Jan 2009)

....it melted into the pressure cooker which was okay because.....


----------



## Michael OLeary (6 Jan 2009)

... I was defying the Mythbusters warning not to try this at home ...


----------



## Shec (6 Jan 2009)

...after I regained consciousness...


----------



## Michael OLeary (6 Jan 2009)

... in a small room in St Jean, remembering nothing after that drink the Recruiting Sergeant offered me ...


----------



## Shec (6 Jan 2009)

...just before I was escorted to the wall at the break of dawn...


----------



## Haggis (6 Jan 2009)

... I lay there, wondering what the symbol tattooed on my arm really meant... and what was that bump under the skin on my neck?


----------



## 211RadOp (6 Jan 2009)

...and why I was wearing the afore mentioned hot pink pleatherette chaps...


----------



## Shec (6 Jan 2009)

..."when out of the night which was 40 below and into the din and glare there stumbled a miner fresh from the creeks, dog dirty and loaded for bear..."


----------



## Haggis (6 Jan 2009)

....There are strange things done in the midnight sun by the men who moil for gold.  Some of them even wear chaps while they...


----------



## R. Jorgensen (6 Jan 2009)

...wait in Departures at Calgary International Airport...


----------



## Gunnar (6 Jan 2009)

...where they look like a man with one foot in the grave, and scarcely the strength of a louse....


----------



## kkwd (6 Jan 2009)

.... pondering whether to watch reruns of "Tales Of The Gold Monkey" or poke sharp sticks in their eyes all the while ...


----------



## 211RadOp (6 Jan 2009)

..sucking on an Extra Large Tim Horton's Double Double..


----------



## kkwd (6 Jan 2009)

.... bucket of extra thick seat cushion juice and eating ....


----------



## Shec (6 Jan 2009)

..."then I ducked my head, and the lights went out, and two guns blazed in the dark"...


----------



## kkwd (6 Jan 2009)

.... it was the League of Extraordinary Kumquat Farmers of Upper Alberta but they missed and I ....


----------



## Michael OLeary (6 Jan 2009)

... ducked into a nearby 24-hour tanning salon and tried to blend in, luckily the other men were also wearing chaps ....


----------



## kkwd (6 Jan 2009)

.... made from the skin of the extremely rare honest politician skinned and tanned by his peers because ....


----------



## Shec (6 Jan 2009)

...forgot the lyrics to Monty Python's Lumberjack Song...


----------



## kkwd (6 Jan 2009)

.... but I remembered all of "Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life" so i was good to go but ....


----------



## Michael OLeary (6 Jan 2009)

... but Monty Python sang in my head, strangely, in Italian:



> Ho voluto essere… un boscaiolo! Saltando dall'albero all'albero, come galleggiano giù i fiumi vigorosi della Columbia Britannica. Il Redwood gigante. Il larice. L'abete! Il pino scozzese vigoroso! La ciliegia di fioritura alta! Il piccolo Apsen coraggioso! L'albero limping di Roo della Nigeria. L'acacia torreggiante di Aldershot! La pianta acquatica piangente di Maidenhead! La quercia impertinente istantaneo del Leicesterschire! L'olmo flatulento di Ruislip ad ovest! Il quercus Maximus Bamber Gascoigni! Il Epigillus! Il baratto Hughius Greenus! Con il mio migliore compagno dal mio lato, we' la d canta! Canti! Canti!


 ....


----------



## kkwd (6 Jan 2009)

.... so i reached up and flicked him in the Secret Policeman's Other Ball with my middle finger but that just made him ....


----------



## Michael OLeary (6 Jan 2009)

... continue in Dutch:



> I' m een houthakker, en I' o.k. m.
> Ik slaap de hele nacht en ik werk de hele dag.
> 
> He' S.A. houthakker, en he' o.k. s.
> ...


 ....


----------



## kkwd (6 Jan 2009)

.... after my international education I put in a claim for travel expenses for my trip to Mars but it was dropped behind a file cabinet and ....


----------



## Gunnar (6 Jan 2009)

...luckily, since mein luftkissenfahrzeug ist voll aalen....


----------



## kkwd (6 Jan 2009)

.... I breaded them and had a fine meal with sauerkraut and some ....


----------



## Shec (6 Jan 2009)

...jambalaya left over from an old RP4...


----------



## kkwd (6 Jan 2009)

.... so I shook my head and heard a noise so I headed to the doctor put I heard Harry Hibbs on the radio which caused me to ....


----------



## Michael OLeary (6 Jan 2009)

... flashback to a night at Sassy's, with Senor Cuervo and a barmaid named Rose ...


----------



## kkwd (6 Jan 2009)

.... being a teetotaler I poured the booze on the floor and ....


----------



## PMedMoe (6 Jan 2009)

....and promptly slipped in it, breaking my.....


----------



## kkwd (6 Jan 2009)

.... concentration in 2 places causing Rose to ....


----------



## Shec (6 Jan 2009)

...call over the bouncer...


----------



## kkwd (6 Jan 2009)

.... and I kicked him squarely in his head breaking it off at the neck then it rolled across the floor so I picked it up and made a ....


----------



## Shec (6 Jan 2009)

...a hood ornament for my 1971,,,


----------



## 211RadOp (6 Jan 2009)

...Red Ford Pinto that...


----------



## Michael OLeary (6 Jan 2009)

... exploded when I was rear-ended by a Vespa, launching me through  ...


----------



## kkwd (6 Jan 2009)

.... the space time continuum where i saw ....


----------



## Michael OLeary (6 Jan 2009)

... LEEEEROY JENKINS ...


----------



## kkwd (6 Jan 2009)

.... this caused my eyes to bleed and more than the usual amount of anal leakage so I had to ....


----------



## Michael OLeary (6 Jan 2009)

... find another way to advance on the merit list ....


----------



## kkwd (6 Jan 2009)

.... of Brothers of The Broken TV Watchers, Paris chapter but I had to ....


----------



## Shec (6 Jan 2009)

... first stowaway on the USS Pueblo...


----------



## kkwd (6 Jan 2009)

.... in a potato sack previously used by 17 dogs with intestinal problems and a plethora of ....


----------



## Haggis (6 Jan 2009)

.... while the USS Pueblo was docked in Cornwall, ON, unloading contraband Cuban cigars....


----------



## kkwd (6 Jan 2009)

.... rolled by Dominicans using their toes and a lot of ....


----------



## larry Strong (6 Jan 2009)

.....ear wax.....


----------



## kkwd (6 Jan 2009)

.... collected from the earplugs from the range of a leper colony and strained through the dirty socks of a bunch of Nijmegen marchers after a 4 day rain storm and leaky sewers along the way but that makes ....


----------



## Shec (6 Jan 2009)

...made me realize the errors of my ways; so I resolved to...


----------



## kkwd (6 Jan 2009)

.... kill everybody with a vowel in their name with a finger through the ....


----------



## Staff Weenie (6 Jan 2009)

Coccyx - yes folks I did say coccyx, just another one of those words you can't say on Army.ca, just like....


----------



## kkwd (6 Jan 2009)

.... oh no, I just realized, I forgot to let those Zulus off the bus, I hope their assegai are not too sharp, they just might ....


----------



## George Wallace (6 Jan 2009)

..tippie toe into....


----------



## kkwd (6 Jan 2009)

.... the Army.ca DS canteen and commence to stealing all the sugar packets to use in ...


----------



## George Wallace (6 Jan 2009)

...preparing for a Purple Jesus Party in back of.......


----------



## geo (6 Jan 2009)

... their dastardly trap - intent on catching...


----------



## kkwd (6 Jan 2009)

.... the one rat who escaped the normally sharp eyes of our eagle with one wing and a bad attitude so we ....


----------



## Haggis (6 Jan 2009)

... shot the eagle for being "weak" and roasted his one winged corpse on a skewer, with a tasty variety of fresh...


----------



## kkwd (6 Jan 2009)

.... fish from by the outlet pipe of the local sewage treatment plant which stopped working last year. But they were easy to catch floating on the surface upside down. So we finished that off and took our ....


----------



## Michael OLeary (6 Jan 2009)

... leave with a company of Gurkha, bound on an adventure training excursion beyond imagining, first we ....


----------



## kkwd (6 Jan 2009)

.... raided the museum and obtained the remains of Tut because he was the only one who knew the password to get us into ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (6 Jan 2009)

... the RSM's liquor cabinet ...


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

.... but he was cheap old cuss and all he had was a a bottle of Jägermeister with a crusty top so we couldn't get it open. So we ....


----------



## armyvern (7 Jan 2009)

...trussed him up with PMedMoe's floral printed undiroos and...


----------



## Weinie (7 Jan 2009)

....fired off a missive to Al Gore, using an arcane text that was first found in a previously unknown series of caves that .......


----------



## Haggis (7 Jan 2009)

... therein carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Ulfin Bedweer of Regett proclaim the last resting place of the most Holy Grail....


----------



## 211RadOp (7 Jan 2009)

...Cornwallis NS...


----------



## PMedMoe (7 Jan 2009)

.....on the shores of Nova Scotia, well known for it's.......


----------



## 211RadOp (7 Jan 2009)

...fog, waxed floors and falling down buildings, but that is another story..


----------



## armyvern (7 Jan 2009)

...better told by keepers of African Swallows bearing coconuts that they...


----------



## Shec (7 Jan 2009)

...used as ordnance of their dive bombing runs targetting...


----------



## Haggis (7 Jan 2009)

.. a band of drunken and amourous Highlanders, covertly approaching an unsuspecting ewe...


----------



## Shec (7 Jan 2009)

...and so nature's cycle continued to...


----------



## Michael OLeary (7 Jan 2009)

... the consternation of a Presiding Officer who will ever regret uttering those words, "Pte Bloggins, do you have anything to say on your own behalf before I determine punishment for your crimes?", only to be regaled with the foregoing tale of woe ....


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

.... about the time she put the correct change into the Pepsi machine and didn't receive the drink. So she formed a mob of shack pirates and worked her way around the coalition picquet. Then they bounced the machine down the stairs where all partook in the flow of quarters and loonies. But the powers that be caught them all and ....


----------



## Panzer Grenadier (7 Jan 2009)

...had them sent to FOB Willy Wonka, aptly named after the cluster bomb strike destroyed the Willy Wonka Factory, leaving the Oompa Loompas to...


----------



## 241 (7 Jan 2009)

pass on there Gonaherpasyphalitus that they contracted from a one armed 3 legged prostitute named Carl...


----------



## PMedMoe (7 Jan 2009)

.....who used to work in Halifax on the corner of Spring Garden and Barrington where he....


----------



## Haggis (7 Jan 2009)

...was widely suspected of being from the lost city of Atlantis ...


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

.... but was later determined to be a reject from  ....


----------



## R. Jorgensen (7 Jan 2009)

...the experimental "Super Spy" project, developed by a coalition of members of the Coast Guard and the Church of Scientology...


----------



## R. Jorgensen (7 Jan 2009)

clicked wrong button, sorry.


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

.... so I awoke with a start and wondered where I had been the past few minutes, but then I realized ....


----------



## R. Jorgensen (7 Jan 2009)

...I was still in the freezer of Big Bob's Beef Barn...


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

.... the repository of the road kill from Ontario and half of Manitoba, so we all ....


----------



## Shec (7 Jan 2009)

...certified the product "Organic"...


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

.... and sold it at inflated prices to ex hippies but they found out about our clever plan and ....


----------



## Shec (7 Jan 2009)

...called radio phone-in shows to...


----------



## geo (7 Jan 2009)

.... maket it  after having dried it, chopped it all up and smoked it...


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

.... but Baldrick came to the rescue and purchased a large turnip from which me made the best hooch that ....


----------



## Shec (7 Jan 2009)

...was ever stocked by the Junior Ranks Club at...


----------



## TCBF (7 Jan 2009)

... Wainwright, Alberta...


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

.... but nobody noticed because they were wishing they were someplace else even ....


----------



## Shec (7 Jan 2009)

..."on the edge of the desert, outside of Barstow California, when the drugs took effect"...


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

.... but we waited and waited and we were disappointed us so we took our VW bus and drove it to the nearest ...


----------



## Shec (7 Jan 2009)

...POL point...


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

.... to sniff gas and make naptha and pineapple juice cocktails, that made us go blind so we got back into our VW and ....


----------



## Haggis (7 Jan 2009)

.... by carefully following the directons of out Tom Tom, we made our way to...


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

.... the nearest KFC where we had a bath in the deep fryer, but that only ....


----------



## R. Jorgensen (7 Jan 2009)

...made everything one thousand times more slippery than it should be...


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

.... but it was to our advantage when the local gendarmerie caught up with us and tried to ...


----------



## Shec (7 Jan 2009)

...beat confessions out of us with lengths of rubber hose and rolled up telephone books...


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

.... but the DS of Army.ca came to our rescue and offered to take us all in so we could live with them forever so we ...


----------



## R. Jorgensen (7 Jan 2009)

...took broom in left hand and dust pan in right as we faced the tyranny of...


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

... the DS New Year party mess with puke and blood and cocktail weenies all over the floor, but we persevered and did our time and will be released later today, after that ...


----------



## armyvern (7 Jan 2009)

..our probationary orders dictate that we perform community service by collecting and analysing a la CSI every giant-killer dustbunny from every room in every shacks on every CFB so that...


----------



## Shec (7 Jan 2009)

...the Garrison Jack could proudly...


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

.... display them on the bulletin board for all to see, but meanwhile, the coveralls we were issued by the DS were too small or too big so we made our way to clothing stores where we encountered a giant pile of paper work presented by a stern but good looking ...


----------



## PMedMoe (7 Jan 2009)

.....red headed Supply Tech named Vern, who, in disguise was really.......


----------



## R. Jorgensen (7 Jan 2009)

...a cinder block...


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

....with a soft chewy center that stuck to the roof of our mouth so we had to ...


----------



## Shec (7 Jan 2009)

...pick our teeth with a bayonet...


----------



## R. Jorgensen (7 Jan 2009)

...while singing Frank Sinatra's 'Fly Me To The Moon' to avoid receiving an awful electric shock from the "slave bracelets" around our ankles...


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

.... supplied by the local S and M group and matching the leather clothing they sent along, but not all turned out so well as ...


----------



## Shec (7 Jan 2009)

...our tailored Albanian Army crewsuits...


----------



## R. Jorgensen (7 Jan 2009)

...which had a convenient little pocket for...


----------



## Shec (7 Jan 2009)

...a cellphone.  So I text messaged Mommy to ask...


----------



## Michael OLeary (7 Jan 2009)

... a simple question, for which she berated me for not using the search capability  ...


----------



## R. Jorgensen (7 Jan 2009)

...and was amazed by the response, had she gone insane? What was she talking about? And that's when it hit me...


----------



## Michael OLeary (7 Jan 2009)

... she was having another flashback to her time in the Balloon Corps as a PMS Clerk ....


----------



## The Bread Guy (7 Jan 2009)

....(with HEAVY emphasis on the PMS part), when she was caught....


----------



## R. Jorgensen (7 Jan 2009)

...organizing a rally of the Notorious Keep Left signs...


----------



## Shec (7 Jan 2009)

...sponsored by the Ministry of Silly Walks...


----------



## Panzer Grenadier (7 Jan 2009)

...who incidentally bought by Bill Gates while...


----------



## Haggis (7 Jan 2009)

... trying to hack into the Cabbage Repairman's laptop so we could identify the nymphomaniacs in the unit in preparation for the annual...


----------



## BinRat55 (7 Jan 2009)

...Ozzy and Sharon Osborne "Make Friends With A Bat" fundraiser, but what happened next was...


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

.... the ground trembled, the air was filled with a foul stench, the dandruff came down like snow ... it was the lady from the lunch time sandwich bar ... EVERYBODY RUN!!!! ... too late ...


----------



## Niteshade (7 Jan 2009)

... but nothing made any sense,  so the leprechaun jumped into...


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

... the center of a butterscotch Life Saver candy, he got stuck so we called in ...


----------



## Shec (7 Jan 2009)

...The Concerned Citizen's League For Decent Moral Values...


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

.... but we had to wait for their trial on charges of stealing nickles from school kids, in the meantime ...


----------



## geo (7 Jan 2009)

... tonto, cleverly disguised as a door had his ball$ shot off....


----------



## Nfld Sapper (7 Jan 2009)

.... wondering where all the trolls went......


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

.... but then I found out they were under the bridge at Port Blandford so we got to ....


----------



## Michael OLeary (7 Jan 2009)

.. the Hard Rock Cafe on Yonge Street before being accosted by some ladies of indeterminate age and ethics who ....


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

.... carried rocks in their pockets for snacking on, that caused us to ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (7 Jan 2009)

... consider the possibility of chewing off an arm to escape them the following morning ...


----------



## geo (7 Jan 2009)

.... only to find out that the coyotes had done it ahead of us....


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

... lucky I kept spare arms in my trunk so i screwed on a fresh one and headed to ...


----------



## twistidnick (7 Jan 2009)

...Barefaxxx on York St to eat lunch but all of the sudden...


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

.... the ground parted and I was sucked down....


----------



## Michael OLeary (7 Jan 2009)

kkwd said:
			
		

> .... the ground parted and I was sucked down....



... falling faster than an "out of the box" captain on the merit list ....


----------



## geo (7 Jan 2009)

... until I hit rock bottom & rode the rebound back onto street level....


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

.... but I hit my head on the glass ceiling  , but that didn't stop me from ...


----------



## twistidnick (7 Jan 2009)

...stealing Jack Layton's Scotch from is Parliamentary office, and bringing it to...


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

.... wouldn't you know, cheap scotch in an expensive bottle, maybe not, let's take it over to get it analyzed, I was wrong, it's floor polish, cheap bastard, I make my way to the river and throw ...


----------



## Old Sweat (7 Jan 2009)

up at the sight of a cluster f_ck of river otters and the chorus line of the recent revival of The Sound of Music by the . . .


----------



## Panzer Grenadier (7 Jan 2009)

...Al Franken fan club who then suddenly strip of their coveralls to reveal...


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

.... a couple of moldy raisins but they disappeared in a puff of dust, so we had a good laugh at ...


----------



## Haggis (7 Jan 2009)

.. their blue Under Armour tights, Oakleys and a HSGI tan tac vest, none of which matched their MEC snowshoes...


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

.... but at least they could trade all that stuff in for a half chewed sandwich and a cigar stub, we did better however and ...


----------



## George Wallace (7 Jan 2009)

.....and got Timmies coupons, good until........


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

... oh no, 10 minutes, we better hurry before they empty the pot, I like the sludge the best. After a satisfying quaff we headed ...


----------



## George Wallace (7 Jan 2009)

.....Due South, passing......


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

... the local herd of scared sheep headed from the HQ of the BubblyGum Highlanders, we had a great ...


----------



## Haggis (7 Jan 2009)

... pointing and laughing at the disheveled mob outside of NDHQ, wiping their runny noses on thier arctic mitts, waiting in vain for OC Transpo to...


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

.... send around the new model staff car, a Radio Flyer wagon pulled by a team of gophers, so they all ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (7 Jan 2009)

.... had a great time explaining how things were better when the Army had pips, the navy had flogging and the Air Force was just a couple of stringbags ...


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

.... but that wasn't fooling anybody, everybody knows the paperless office and the DIN is the best it has ever been, but someday ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (7 Jan 2009)

... someday ....


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

... in the future in an alley far far away, there was a old man, but that is another story so we ...


----------



## twistidnick (7 Jan 2009)

...hang up our guns and join the peace corps, but really...


----------



## George Wallace (7 Jan 2009)

...Joe and the Volcano has to be........


----------



## kkwd (7 Jan 2009)

.... the best best movie to watch with earplugs and a blindfold, we prefer  ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (8 Jan 2009)

... mime duels ...


----------



## Niteshade (8 Jan 2009)

... like the mime duel from <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4aMD4uy-QGc">Eurotrip</a> only more like the one from...


----------



## Michael OLeary (8 Jan 2009)

... The Blues Brothers, which was among Belushi's best work but, unfortunately, left on the cutting room floor and forever lost to history ...


----------



## Shec (8 Jan 2009)

...until one day at an archealogical dig someone wearing an Indiana Jones fedora....


----------



## Haggis (8 Jan 2009)

... unearthed some ancient Victoria's Secret like garments...


----------



## kkwd (8 Jan 2009)

.... with unidentifiable stains and pictures of them in use, so we got ...


----------



## Shec (8 Jan 2009)

...aroused...


----------



## Gunnar (8 Jan 2009)

...by the fact that we had 8 cases of beer, a gymnast sword-swallower and 3 double jointed midgets which when combined with....


----------



## Shec (8 Jan 2009)

...3 cups of extra virgin olive oil, 2 cups of freshly squeezed lemon juice,  1/2 tsp of finely ground black pepper, and a pinch of salt...


----------



## Michael OLeary (8 Jan 2009)

... led to us being investigated by the NIS when we attempted to download "instructional" videos from the internet for our little "conference " ...


----------



## Haggis (8 Jan 2009)

.. at which point, using a very high priced lawyer paid for by "spillage" from the Sgts Mess bar, we successfully argued that "if the DWAN firewall lets us access theses sites, then they _must_ be approved!"   The NIS then proceeded to.....


----------



## Michael OLeary (8 Jan 2009)

... mumble something about recursive logic and lay charges against the national DIN coordinators, who were found in their mothers' basements surrounded by jolt cola cans and empty pizza boxes while the DIN ran on a Commodore 64 networked to a half-dozen modded speak-and-spells ....


----------



## Shec (8 Jan 2009)

...through old 510 set which had been re-engineered as a router...


----------



## Gunnar (8 Jan 2009)

...replacing the old system of tin cans and binder twine, that has been used for communication since....


----------



## Michael OLeary (8 Jan 2009)

... the early days of the Cold War which was sent to the Communications Museum in Kingston, but was used to upgrade the School's training resources instead ...


----------



## Shec (8 Jan 2009)

...as the hand held mirrors used as a signallers training aid had long since worn out due to decades of polishing...


----------



## Panzer Grenadier (8 Jan 2009)

...by 2nd year RMC students brandishing toys'r'us lightsabers yelling...


----------



## PMedMoe (8 Jan 2009)

....."Bring out yer dead!  Bring out yer dead!"  so we......


----------



## Michael OLeary (8 Jan 2009)

.. brought out our dead, which also cleared up that smell in the army transformation offices hallway, ....


----------



## 211RadOp (8 Jan 2009)

...but put a massive burden on the supply system because...


----------



## Michael OLeary (8 Jan 2009)

... there were no Trade Pioneers left to build the two-wheeled carts used by the collection teams, and the only draft animals in the service were in the 'stan ...


----------



## Shec (8 Jan 2009)

...however at least we now had the resources for a Tactical Exercise Without Troops...


----------



## kkwd (8 Jan 2009)

... a grease pencil and saran wrap ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (8 Jan 2009)

... which we, being from a frugal Army, had saved from our box lunch sandwiches ...


----------



## kkwd (8 Jan 2009)

.... with the tomato juice cans and mayo packaging being used as tables and chairs but try as we might we couldn't come up with a use for the bones from a cold pork chop but the fat made great fuel for our lamps. So were all set up and ready to ...


----------



## armyvern (8 Jan 2009)

.. surf the net looking for hot chaps pics to send Vern when suddenly...


----------



## kkwd (8 Jan 2009)

.... the string broke on our tins cans and it would take 2 weeks for the work order to be finalized. Oh the old days when you could mend your own string. But we made do with ...


----------



## Ex-Dragoon (8 Jan 2009)

George Wallace jumped out from behind the mail box, naked as the day he was born, holding in his hand...


----------



## Michael OLeary (8 Jan 2009)

... a Little Brown Handbook ...


----------



## kkwd (8 Jan 2009)

.... and a bootleg video of The Sound Of Music bought on eBay and demanding that we play it right now. But our Beta max machine was full of coffee grounds so we had to fight him off with ...


----------



## Panzer Grenadier (8 Jan 2009)

...pirated copies of An Inconvenient Truth, which were made from...


----------



## Michael OLeary (8 Jan 2009)

... recycled bamboo place mats and McDonalds fryer oil that we strained through ...


----------



## Haggis (8 Jan 2009)

... Gtestener paper from the BOR of the Canadian Guards.  A knock came on the door!  OH NO!!!  It was....


----------



## kkwd (8 Jan 2009)

.... Al Gore, eating cow dung and rain forest ashes, so we had our most difficult situation yet. George's little brown book came in handy in defeating the evil Gore and sending him back to ....


----------



## Michael OLeary (8 Jan 2009)

... a land where Chivalry had been replaced by Litigation ....


----------



## kkwd (8 Jan 2009)

....with lawyers running through the streets chasing ambulances and staking out the golden arches for hot coffee incidents. But one day there was a big flash of light ....


----------



## Michael OLeary (8 Jan 2009)

... a really, really big flash it was too ...


----------



## 241 (8 Jan 2009)

...alas it was flashes out light from 155 illum rounds, guiding our way to...


----------



## Michael OLeary (8 Jan 2009)

... an emerald castle, where bombast and bright lights take the place of leadership and recognized authority ...


----------



## armyvern (8 Jan 2009)

... of the little tin men who were demanding personal oil changes be performed immediately by fair maidens brandishing whips and ...


----------



## kkwd (8 Jan 2009)

.... nipple rings from which dangled ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (8 Jan 2009)

... security passes for the elevators ....


----------



## kkwd (8 Jan 2009)

.... to nowhere, they having been gutted to build ...


----------



## Old Sweat (8 Jan 2009)

a collection of principalities in the east end of the city . . .


----------



## Shec (8 Jan 2009)

...where the broad, magnificent , boulevards and streets were lined with...


----------



## kkwd (8 Jan 2009)

.... bureaucrats and paperwork kiosks so as with any government endeavor it turned out all wrong, so the materials were all salvaged and used to ....


----------



## Shec (8 Jan 2009)

...build H-Huts at Arctic Bay Barracks, the regimental depot of the newly raised...


----------



## kkwd (8 Jan 2009)

.... Corps Of Outdoorsy Muscley Guys And Gals, their first CO was ...


----------



## Haggis (8 Jan 2009)

... former US Navy SEAL and accomplished politician, Jessie Ventura who, it turns out, acquired honourary (note the spelling of "honourary") Canadian citizenship when he wandered, drunk, across the Minnesota border and accidently rescued...


----------



## George Wallace (8 Jan 2009)

....two ditzy blonde twins who had been on a tequila party cruise and lost their ............


----------



## kkwd (8 Jan 2009)

.... chaperons who mysteriously disappeared while traveling past Army.ca HQ, but they made out quite well being taken care of by the ever friendly ...


----------



## Haggis (8 Jan 2009)

... 48th Regulator, that paragon of virtue, eloquence and civility.  Our hats are off to you, Tess, for once again....


----------



## Old Sweat (8 Jan 2009)

providing guidance to a contingent of jump qualified Patricias who went astray on a night compass march across the Shilo ranges . . .


----------



## kkwd (8 Jan 2009)

.... how he got there we'll never know ...


----------



## Haggis (8 Jan 2009)

... but an educated guess would be that Scotty finally got the blasted transporter fixed in the nick of time.  Kirk turned to Bones and said...


----------



## kkwd (8 Jan 2009)

... I have this rash, seems there were these two ditsy blonds twins ...


----------



## George Wallace (8 Jan 2009)

...."I'm a Captain; not a Doctor.....Bones!" as he ........


----------



## kkwd (8 Jan 2009)

.... placed a side bet on the dogs and scratched himself. Suddenly the door opened with a whoosh ....


----------



## George Wallace (8 Jan 2009)

....and in walked Mork from Ork, wearing ........


----------



## kkwd (8 Jan 2009)

.... a onion skin loin cloth with rat fur accents. He commenced to touch everybody on ...


----------



## Haggis (8 Jan 2009)

... the merry-go-round becaue he knew they couldn't get off until the vehicle comes to a full and complete stop at the gate.  Elwood Blues sat on his pony, laughing maniacally...


----------



## kkwd (8 Jan 2009)

.... throwing dimes at Jake trying to get them into his mouth. One hit Jake in the eye causing him to draw his gun and ...


----------



## George Wallace (8 Jan 2009)

fired.  A deaf policeman walking by, heard the shot and wondered why.  Back to back they faced each other and .........


----------



## kkwd (8 Jan 2009)

.... gave a shout that scared their mother, turned their pockets inside out just to get the lint. Funny thing is, pocket lint is now accepted at Canadian Tire ....


----------



## George Wallace (8 Jan 2009)

...at face value, as long as you are wearing stilettos and a.......


----------



## kkwd (8 Jan 2009)

.... Army.ca shirt ....


----------



## Haggis (8 Jan 2009)

... and not a damned thing else!.  This is proof that you should always read the fine print.  Meanwhile, back at the...


----------



## kkwd (8 Jan 2009)

.... office I was shredding personnel files of certain people who were going to "disappear" all the while drinking rum and coke. But I got caught not drinking doubles by the boss and my punishment was ....


----------



## midget-boyd91 (8 Jan 2009)

... to participate in a battle to the death against the Goonies while only using one ....


----------



## kkwd (8 Jan 2009)

.... strand of hair from the back of ....


----------



## midget-boyd91 (8 Jan 2009)

... Lee Major's bionic ...


----------



## kkwd (8 Jan 2009)

.... suitcase monkey. But it bit us all and we caught ...


----------



## midget-boyd91 (8 Jan 2009)

... a .. oops, we dropped it, and it landed on a ....


----------



## kkwd (8 Jan 2009)

.... a Timmies roll up the rim cup that somebody had failed to check. Yeah!!! We got a coupon, good for ....


----------



## George Wallace (8 Jan 2009)

.."Èxpiry Date 31 March 1998" which would mean that I would have to get much.....


----------



## kkwd (8 Jan 2009)

... music on cable but nobody watches that anymore so I slapped myself and ....


----------



## annemarielyman (9 Jan 2009)

...changed the channel to CNN, where Anderson Cooper was...


----------



## Michael OLeary (9 Jan 2009)

... diligently reading the Army.ca FAQ and practicing with the search function before asking a question about ...


----------



## Haggis (9 Jan 2009)

... why any thread about JTF 2 seems to circle the drain at an alarming speed.  "And," he mused, "WTF is JTF 2 anyways?".  Just then, a flashbang came sailing into the studio...


----------



## Michael OLeary (9 Jan 2009)

... followed by four ninjasniperwannabees who apparently believed Big Bad John when he told them that Royal Marine dynamic entry drills are done just like ...


----------



## kkwd (9 Jan 2009)

.... the Burger King Synchronized Assault Team (BKSAT) conducting replenishment of the condiment table. So anyway, back at the ranch, our bus load of Zulus were getting antsy and cutting up the seats. We can't have that so our ninjasniperwannabees were ....


----------



## Shec (9 Jan 2009)

...rapidly deployed to Rorke's Drift where they promptly re-built the redoubt with mustard and vinegar packets...


----------



## kkwd (9 Jan 2009)

.... but a PMed Tech came along and said the artificial flavours and colouring in the condiments were hazardous and we would have to tear it all down. So we made do with sheep turds held together with spit. We survived and ....


----------



## Shec (9 Jan 2009)

...authorized to wear ketchup stain on our uniforms' left breast in lieu of a campaign star...


----------



## geo (9 Jan 2009)

.... with tin foil clusters...


----------



## kkwd (9 Jan 2009)

.... and out came the RSM with the dress regs and a ruler ....


----------



## geo (9 Jan 2009)

... he gave instructions to Cpl Bloggins to bring white paint and brush....


----------



## kkwd (9 Jan 2009)

.... to paint all the rocks, but that is another story. He finds a fault with Pte Whatcamacallit's decoration, He says "Whatcamacallit, that decoration is not from Heinz, 1000 extras" But that was not the best part ...


----------



## Shec (9 Jan 2009)

...in point of fact it was from No Name brand, 'you'll be dancing the hatless jig tommorrow'...


----------



## Michael OLeary (9 Jan 2009)

.... so Whatcamacallit whipped out his towel and his much-used copy of _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ ...


----------



## Shec (9 Jan 2009)

...and, with money "borrowed" from the CO's wife's favorite do-gooder charity  bought himself a ticket to Betelgeuse...


----------



## Gunnar (9 Jan 2009)

...unfortunately he had a Vogon as a seat mate, who felt the need to recite him poetry....


----------



## Michael OLeary (9 Jan 2009)

... from the Klingon _Childrens' Book of Love Poetry_ ...


----------



## Old Sweat (9 Jan 2009)

while demonstrating favorite positions from the Kama Sutra using finger puppets . . .


----------



## Michael OLeary (9 Jan 2009)

...  with one hand following the other as he said _"there I was, with a bogey on my tail"_ ....


----------



## geo (9 Jan 2009)

.... when all of a sudden, his foot slipped, his zipper unzipped and out popped a....


----------



## Haggis (9 Jan 2009)

....a 9mm Browning with pearl handgrips...


----------



## Shec (9 Jan 2009)

...and a hair-trigger...


----------



## annemarielyman (9 Jan 2009)

...when his seat mate leaned closer and exclaimed "Oh my, what a nice gun you have!", while trying to...


----------



## Haggis (9 Jan 2009)

... run his bony fingers over the warm, oily steel of the weapon.  Slowly, he reached over and undid....


----------



## Michael OLeary (9 Jan 2009)

... whether he meant to or not, the pretty pink ribbon holding together the last shreds of my sanity, ....


----------



## Old Sweat (9 Jan 2009)

which I had compromised when I made my first post on this thread . . .


----------



## Shec (9 Jan 2009)

...many pages back...


----------



## Michael OLeary (9 Jan 2009)

... and hundreds of posts ago, before, or perhaps well after, the thread started to ....


----------



## R. Jorgensen (9 Jan 2009)

...started growing an irregular, and oddly hexagonal-shaped...


----------



## kkwd (9 Jan 2009)

.... extra head so we had to go to the Army.ca clothing stores to get fitted for new head dress. But we didn't have the proper chit so they sent us to ...


----------



## Shec (9 Jan 2009)

...3897th Mess Kit Repair Battalion's kit shop...


----------



## kkwd (9 Jan 2009)

.... but we were stopped at the door by a large guy armed with a pick handle. We kicked him ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (9 Jan 2009)

... down the stairs and into the illegal strip club the Quartermaster was running, and suddenly realized how those new equipment acquisitions were really being bankrolled ...


----------



## Teeps74 (9 Jan 2009)

... "Should I report this?" I look around, order a pint and ponder the meaning of ...


----------



## 211RadOp (9 Jan 2009)

...life, not just any life in general, but the life of...


----------



## Michael OLeary (9 Jan 2009)

... the creature on the stage, near the pole, ...  my God, my eyes ... it was ....


----------



## Old Sweat (9 Jan 2009)

a moderator from amry.ca who shall remain nameless . . .


----------



## Michael OLeary (9 Jan 2009)

... whose photo in assless chaps was returned by ArmyVern with a rejection slip ...


----------



## Shec (9 Jan 2009)

...but is nevertheless site renown for his sensitive and emotive stylings of Edith Piaf torchsongs...


----------



## kkwd (9 Jan 2009)

.... and doesn't let anything go to waste and eats the gum from under tables along with ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (9 Jan 2009)

... IMP entrees a dying vulture wouldn't touch ...


----------



## Teeps74 (9 Jan 2009)

... but then, being strange, this ham and cheese omlette is not that bad. Kinda looks like a ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (9 Jan 2009)

... reasonable facsimile of Soylent Green ...


----------



## kkwd (9 Jan 2009)

.... it too being made of people ....


----------



## Shec (9 Jan 2009)

...particularly those who resemble Charlton Heston...


----------



## Michael OLeary (9 Jan 2009)

... who is, of course, dead ...


----------



## kkwd (9 Jan 2009)

.... or so it is rumoured, he is like Elvis, around every corner ...


----------



## SprCForr (9 Jan 2009)

or sitting on the barstool next to...


----------



## kkwd (9 Jan 2009)

.... toH, tlhIngan Hol DajatlhlaH 'e' Da  Ha'DIbaH  HIjol  pIntIn   qaStaH nuq  ....


----------



## Michael OLeary (9 Jan 2009)

... oh no, I thought as I clapped my hands over my mouth, I've been stricken with gibberish ...


----------



## kkwd (9 Jan 2009)

.... it must have been brain damage I suffered when I ate that ham omelet. At least it wasn't the canned stuff cooked up in the mess tins then ... I just lost my train of thought ...


----------



## Niteshade (9 Jan 2009)

...but I found it in a ginormous can of...


----------



## kkwd (10 Jan 2009)

.... fried bacon but that was all removed and replaced with whatever was on sale at the time, I took up my tube of Australian butter and spread it on my crackers ....


----------



## Shec (10 Jan 2009)

...when I suddenly heard a memorable drill instructor's inspirational words:  "OH YES OH YES.  IT HAD TO BE YOU DIDN'T IT? IT JUST HAD  TO BE YOU"...


----------



## geo (10 Jan 2009)

.... I then started to feverishly click my heels together while saying, there's no place like home, ......


----------



## Haggis (10 Jan 2009)

... but when I opened my eyes, I was standing in front of a Pillbsbury Dough-boy shaped Accounting Officer who was auditing every single travel claim I had ever submitted.  "So," he asked, peering over the top of his glasses, "what is this claim for"...


----------



## Shec (10 Jan 2009)

... my trip on behalf of the Regt'l Assn.  to the House On Pooh Corner to present dear old Winnie with an FGH cap badge...


----------



## Michael OLeary (10 Jan 2009)

... that I had found in the bottom of a box of Cracker Jack along with ...


----------



## Burrows (10 Jan 2009)

...a picture of someones beloved...


----------



## Panzer Grenadier (10 Jan 2009)

...Alien Queen who was laying eggs for...


----------



## Michael OLeary (10 Jan 2009)

... a clone army to be equipped with cheap knock-off Rambo knives ...


----------



## kkwd (10 Jan 2009)

.... with corks on the tip so they hurt themselves, in the meantime ...


----------



## Shec (10 Jan 2009)

...the COC was field testing the new liquor dispensers in the JR Club...


----------



## Teeps74 (10 Jan 2009)

... they were somewhat broken, as I sit down to enjoy my gallon shot of Tequila, I wonder ...


----------



## Shec (10 Jan 2009)

...what would happen if I mix it with...


----------



## kkwd (10 Jan 2009)

....  whiskey and rum and vodka, I awoke several days later ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (10 Jan 2009)

... vowing never to do that again until next time ...


----------



## kkwd (10 Jan 2009)

.... having found I had sworn allegiance to some shady organization who had promptly emptied my wallet ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (10 Jan 2009)

... leaving me a mysterious challenge coin and ....


----------



## kkwd (10 Jan 2009)

.... a box of expired IMPs, I put on my new beret and snazzy dress pants and headed ...


----------



## Teeps74 (10 Jan 2009)

... to the can to ponder these new stitches I found in my ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (10 Jan 2009)

... side where it appeared I may have been relieved of one ...


----------



## kkwd (10 Jan 2009)

.... pound of my liver, but it being so booze soaked they better not smoke around it ...


----------



## Shec (10 Jan 2009)

...so they wrung it and strained it through a loaf of bread...


----------



## kkwd (10 Jan 2009)

... and made some moose milk so all their troubles would just melt away. But suddenly an assault team from ....


----------



## Michael OLeary (10 Jan 2009)

... some mysterious regional emancipation and defence group stormed in, shouting "Free Ogopogo", or words to that effect ....


----------



## kkwd (10 Jan 2009)

.... waving a pamphlet written in mystic phrases and gibberish, I picked up my rubber hose and garbage can lid shield and commenced ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (10 Jan 2009)

... to simply walk into Mordor ...


----------



## kkwd (10 Jan 2009)

.... where I met the most believable characters in our whole adventure so far ...


----------



## Shec (10 Jan 2009)

...Nigerian bankers &  lawyers  who offered me...


----------



## kkwd (10 Jan 2009)

.... 18 million dollars from a dead General who has no relatives ....


----------



## Michael OLeary (10 Jan 2009)

... and all I needed to provide them was my banking information and ...


----------



## Teeps74 (10 Jan 2009)

... my left pinkie!? Ahhh well, it is a small price to pay, so I steady myself and ...


----------



## kkwd (10 Jan 2009)

.... lop off my thumb instead, curse my category 5 vision!!!! I try again and cut off my ....


----------



## Michael OLeary (10 Jan 2009)

.... internet access, saving millions of Army.ca guests from my idiotic diatribes against improper use of homophones ...


----------



## kkwd (10 Jan 2009)

.... holding a pair of pears while my dog continued to bark at the barque coming into view, I don't believe it I say ....


----------



## Michael OLeary (10 Jan 2009)

they're there, right there, their ...


----------



## Shec (10 Jan 2009)

...lead scouting elements of the 543 Fantasian Motor Rifle Division...


----------



## kkwd (10 Jan 2009)

.... to hop off the paper and come to life in great waves of rumbling vehicles, that didn't scare us, we had our  ...


----------



## Shec (10 Jan 2009)

...Quebec Militia...


----------



## kkwd (10 Jan 2009)

.... with their combat Bermuda shorts and wife beater shirts along with ...


----------



## Shec (10 Jan 2009)

...an ample supply of referendum ballots...


----------



## Michael OLeary (10 Jan 2009)

.. used as targets for the paintball markmanship test ...


----------



## kkwd (10 Jan 2009)

.... which you can pass by not shooting yourself in the foot ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (10 Jan 2009)

... which is difficult when it's in your mouth ...


----------



## Shec (10 Jan 2009)

...according to their PAO, Capt. Poutine...


----------



## kkwd (10 Jan 2009)

.... "I am delicious smothered in cheese and gravy" ...


----------



## Shec (10 Jan 2009)

...he told a reporter from Allo Police...


----------



## Michael OLeary (10 Jan 2009)

... as he looked up Semtex in his Anarchists Bible ....


----------



## kkwd (10 Jan 2009)

.... but it being the Milice version was full of errors and half truths ....


----------



## Michael OLeary (10 Jan 2009)

... in the end the police were unsure if his homemade playdoh pipe bomb strapped to a unilingual "STOP" sign actually constituted terrorism ...


----------



## kkwd (10 Jan 2009)

... and the ammunition casings cobbled out of cigarette package tin foil just made the case more confusing ...


----------



## Shec (10 Jan 2009)

...not to mention the body armour made of flattened beer cans...


----------



## kkwd (10 Jan 2009)

.... but someone forgot to tell them to empty them first ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (10 Jan 2009)

...but it was not a serious loss, being Labatt 50 ...


----------



## kkwd (10 Jan 2009)

.... which ate through our freshly painted pirate looking crest ...


----------



## Shec (10 Jan 2009)

...emblazoned with the motto "A Duceppe Nous Merdes Gros Uns"


----------



## kkwd (10 Jan 2009)

.... with pizza bones and fur balls all over ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (10 Jan 2009)

... the strange little hat he wore ....


----------



## kkwd (10 Jan 2009)

.... made of tin foil salvaged from the dumpster behind the Chateau Laurier, but having oddly shaped heads ...


----------



## Haggis (11 Jan 2009)

... which brought us back to post number 571, at which point this thread looked a bit like Groundhog Day.  So, I opened the QR&O looking for new material...


----------



## Shec (11 Jan 2009)

...and postulated that the use of tinfoil from Cherry Blossom candybars could lend a new contextual dimension to the term "cherry beret"...


----------



## kkwd (11 Jan 2009)

.... which was worn only on days that end in the letter Y. But we all knew that this madness would end and a big boot would come down and step on our ...


----------



## geo (11 Jan 2009)

... weekend passes - before we could pick em up from....


----------



## kkwd (11 Jan 2009)

.... the snapping jaws officially known as the Chief Clerk, so we put on our heavy gloves and helmet to meet our fate ...


----------



## Haggis (11 Jan 2009)

..with the sergeant major.  His eyes glowed, backlit like Harley-Davidson hellfire.  He stepped closer, staring deep into my soul, barely breathing the words "So..... you wanna play games with me...., son?"  The blood ran cold in my veins.......


----------



## geo (11 Jan 2009)

.... colder than the ice cold beer I was hoping to get my hands on after...


----------



## kkwd (11 Jan 2009)

.... I finished getting my severe beating ...


----------



## geo (11 Jan 2009)

.... from the Missus who's waiting at the main gate....


----------



## Haggis (11 Jan 2009)

... wearing nothing but a smile.  Oh how that gap-toothed smile turned me on!  I couldn't wait to caress her hairy legs.  Eagerly, I ran...


----------



## kkwd (11 Jan 2009)

.... until I couldn't run anymore, I finally hid in a swamp and found comfort with a amorous turtle ....


----------



## Panzer Grenadier (11 Jan 2009)

...named Lavernius, who presented to me the most beautiful trio of...


----------



## Michael OLeary (11 Jan 2009)

... collector Star Wars glasses ...


----------



## geo (11 Jan 2009)

... illustrating Chewbaca, Luke & Leia doing....


----------



## Michael OLeary (11 Jan 2009)

... corny poses of bad acting in a cartoonish sort of way, which reminded me of ...


----------



## geo (11 Jan 2009)

.... General DeCha- - - - - - - -  playing some borrowed bagpipes during .....


----------



## Michael OLeary (11 Jan 2009)

... a brawl so disturbing it reminded me of Broom-a-Loo ....


----------



## Nfld Sapper (11 Jan 2009)

... and what we should do about FMR as he really gets around ....


----------



## geo (11 Jan 2009)

.... bug George pulled the chain and FMR went round and round the loo until....


----------



## Haggis (11 Jan 2009)

... he vomited on an old set of combat clothing.  An NDHQ staffer saw this and cried "What a great idea for a camouflage pattern!"  And that is how CADPAT was born.  So, as the sunset crept upon is...


----------



## Michael OLeary (11 Jan 2009)

... and the credits started rolling ....


----------



## geo (11 Jan 2009)

... and the theme song to Hogan's Heroes started to ....


----------



## PMedMoe (11 Jan 2009)

.....grate on my nerves, so I switched the music to.....


----------



## Michael OLeary (11 Jan 2009)

... some classic Freddy Mercury ..


----------



## Shec (11 Jan 2009)

...having thus muted the sound of the opening score of the latest blockbuster Rambo 69:  THe Quebec Militia...


----------



## Michael OLeary (11 Jan 2009)

... Against the Internet ...


----------



## PMedMoe (11 Jan 2009)

.....And The Rest of The World.......


----------



## Shec (11 Jan 2009)

...in the opening scene Col. Trautman, armed only with his Becherel, finds Rambo...


----------



## geo (11 Jan 2009)

... eating his poutine in the local Lafleur's diner...


----------



## Michael OLeary (11 Jan 2009)

.. drinking wine from a bottle in a paper bag, both from the local depanneur ...


----------



## Shec (11 Jan 2009)

...and topping it off with a Joe Louis for dessert, washed down with a Bras D'or for his after-dinner snifter...


----------



## kkwd (11 Jan 2009)

.... along with Ritz crackers and Brylcreem. The great taste was enough to ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (11 Jan 2009)

... make him finally decide to swear off Aqua-velva forever ...


----------



## kkwd (11 Jan 2009)

.... but not the lime scent, that tickles his throat. So after sucking back all that ....


----------



## Shec (11 Jan 2009)

...in the next scene our hero, having awoken with the DT's  in an SQ drunk tank...


----------



## Haggis (11 Jan 2009)

...finds himself subject of the amourous advances of the other clientele, mostly truckers and longshoremen.  They turned thier gaze upon La Milice.  Slowly, Col Trautman backed away from the counter, his hand slowly reaching....


----------



## Michael OLeary (11 Jan 2009)

... for his challenge coin ...


----------



## PMedMoe (11 Jan 2009)

......which he had shaped into a Chinese fighting star with a rusty.....


----------



## Michael OLeary (11 Jan 2009)

... can opener from the last package of IMPs ...


----------



## Haggis (11 Jan 2009)

..pilfered from the VanDoos at Oka, when he was struck by an uncontrollable urge to....


----------



## R. Jorgensen (11 Jan 2009)

...see if he could fire potatoes out of his M203 Grenade Launcher...


----------



## Michael OLeary (11 Jan 2009)

... with a Mentos and Diet Coke propellant ...


----------



## kkwd (11 Jan 2009)

.... but all he could get was a cheap store brand knock off of cola because the CQ couldn't find the proper NSN so it caused the weapon to explode ...


----------



## R. Jorgensen (11 Jan 2009)

...which, as a result, caused a Multi-Dimensional gateway to open up inside of the Major's vehicle...


----------



## kkwd (11 Jan 2009)

.... but he was always out of it anyway so nobody noticed ...


----------



## Haggis (11 Jan 2009)

.... Then, she looked at him and said "Mulder, it's me."  It was all starting to become clearer now.  This was the work of The Cancer Man, Mulder's true father.  Scully looked into the back of the van, at his pleading, shocked and now wizened eyes.  He, she, we, all of us were part of "The Plan"....


----------



## Michael OLeary (11 Jan 2009)

... and even that subtle realization started to fade almost immediately, washed away by the bright light from above ....


----------



## R. Jorgensen (11 Jan 2009)

...the steering wheel, which even to this date he has trouble seeing over top of...


----------



## kkwd (11 Jan 2009)

.... without sitting on 3 phone books. He jammed it into 3 gear and floored it, running straight into ...


----------



## Shec (12 Jan 2009)

...the doorway of Milice HQ in Club Super Sexe on Rue St. Catherines...


----------



## Sigs Pig (12 Jan 2009)

... As he gathered his senses, he noticed that the one phonebook was opened up to the name...


----------



## George Wallace (12 Jan 2009)

...Mortimer Snere, an old acquaintance from.....


----------



## geo (12 Jan 2009)

... his time in the Kingston Pen where they were...


----------



## Shec (12 Jan 2009)

geo said:
			
		

> ... his time in the Kingston Pen where they were...



...inseperable...


----------



## kkwd (12 Jan 2009)

.... being conjoined twins fused at ....


----------



## Michael OLeary (12 Jan 2009)

... the emotional level over their mutual respect and admiration for ...


----------



## geo (12 Jan 2009)

... the back.  Talking to his brother, he started off by saying "long time no see - where have you been hiding yourself"?  I thought You were watching my back at that last fight.  Now I find out you were...


----------



## kkwd (12 Jan 2009)

.... drinking all the toilet gin and chewing my gum ...


----------



## Shec (12 Jan 2009)

...when you were supposed to be making a shank from...


----------



## kkwd (12 Jan 2009)

.... our old copies of The National Enquirer and ....


----------



## Michael OLeary (12 Jan 2009)

... some petrified mucilage ....


----------



## Shec (12 Jan 2009)

...that was smuggled in last visitors day by...


----------



## Sigs Pig (12 Jan 2009)

... none other than Snidely Whiplash...


----------



## kkwd (12 Jan 2009)

.... who is a friendly guard who has a "thing" for conjoined twins. He secreted the mucilage in ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (12 Jan 2009)

.. that most unlikely of places ....


----------



## Shec (12 Jan 2009)

...the storage compartment in the handle of his Milice issue genuine copy of a fake Rambo knife....


----------



## kkwd (12 Jan 2009)

.... further hidden in a case of Habitant French pea soup where it was guaranteed nobody would touch it ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (12 Jan 2009)

... even if he wasn't sitting on it, combing his regulation NASCAR mullet forward over the bald crown of his basketball shaped head ....


----------



## Shec (12 Jan 2009)

... which had been penetrated by a runaway return spring rod from a GPMG during the Major's last training lecture on stripping and assembly of that weapon...


----------



## Michael OLeary (12 Jan 2009)

.. during training to face the annual Santa Claus Parade riot ...


----------



## Sigs Pig (12 Jan 2009)

... in Wpg after the Grey Cup game...


----------



## Michael OLeary (12 Jan 2009)

... was canceled due to scheduling conflict with ...


----------



## armyvern (12 Jan 2009)

... Jerry Springer's televised-live interviews of "Expert Military Analysts" who ...


----------



## Shec (12 Jan 2009)

...recommended that the Major change his name to Jean Wayne and wear a green beret...


----------



## Panzer Grenadier (12 Jan 2009)

...in honour of the Grinch, who, as luck would have it...


----------



## Michael OLeary (12 Jan 2009)

... was up on charges for trying to link up with Cindy Lou Who in an internet chat room ....


----------



## Shec (12 Jan 2009)

...on top of that, suave, debonair, erudite, and charming as he is he still struck out...


----------



## Old Sweat (12 Jan 2009)

when he uttered the classic pick up line, "so there I was" . . .


----------



## Greymatters (12 Jan 2009)

.....all by myself....

(see reply #2  hehe...)


----------



## George Wallace (12 Jan 2009)

...playing .....in the dark........with only.......


----------



## Michael OLeary (12 Jan 2009)

... Mr Smith, Mr Wesson, and Capt Morgan to keep me company ...


----------



## HollywoodHitman (12 Jan 2009)

playing with my Wii and cursing like a pirate when all of the sudden I........


----------



## kkwd (12 Jan 2009)

.... dropped Mr Smith & Wesson on my foot and threw up when I took a shot of Morgan, I was quite the sight hopping on one foot with puke stains down the front of my surplus crew suit ...


----------



## PMedMoe (12 Jan 2009)

......which I purchased on the Army.ca Buy & Sell.  It was such a deal, I couldn't resist also getting......


----------



## George Wallace (12 Jan 2009)

..some mine proof desert boots being sold at a great.......


----------



## Michael OLeary (12 Jan 2009)

... price and a used pilot's helmet for those midnight runs in my '85 Prelude, while I pretended I was back at the controls of my Kiowa ...


----------



## kkwd (12 Jan 2009)

.... Indian blanket with the ratty fringe ....


----------



## George Wallace (12 Jan 2009)

wondering if I had indeed posted this before in some..........


----------



## kkwd (12 Jan 2009)

.... other life ... it seems like about 9 days or so ago ....


----------



## George Wallace (12 Jan 2009)

....that I set out on a new adventure, bright eyed and bushy......


----------



## kkwd (12 Jan 2009)

.... bearded with the crumbs of yesterday's breakfast still in it ...


----------



## George Wallace (12 Jan 2009)

....enough for a snack during coffee break with the............


----------



## kkwd (12 Jan 2009)

.... the sludge they call coffee dripping from the chin of the insane RSM, he hasn't been the same since they took away tans....


----------



## George Wallace (12 Jan 2009)

....having developed a tic in his left eye, which constantly moved his hatbadge.......


----------



## kkwd (12 Jan 2009)

.... and warned everybody of his approach with the clicking noise ....


----------



## Sigs Pig (12 Jan 2009)

...from his left hip, unless of course, if he was doing the moonwalk across the parade square, then it was...


----------



## kkwd (12 Jan 2009)

.... the sound of the undigested ham omelet in his intestines making a sound not unlike the sloshing of semi dried cement on a cold day ....


----------



## Michael OLeary (12 Jan 2009)

... like winter warfare training in Flin Flon ...


----------



## kkwd (12 Jan 2009)

..... where the snow snakes were as thick as flies ....


----------



## R. Jorgensen (13 Jan 2009)

...and the women looked like men...


----------



## kkwd (13 Jan 2009)

.... with big boots that would hurt if they came down on ....


----------



## Panzer Grenadier (13 Jan 2009)

...oblivious smurfs who were just by chance reading the 9th edition of...


----------



## Michael OLeary (13 Jan 2009)

... the Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual ...


----------



## Shec (13 Jan 2009)

...upon which QC MIL Pam 0001001, The Militia Detachment in Battle, was drafted...


----------



## PMedMoe (13 Jan 2009)

......chiseled in stone, just like the......


----------



## Shec (13 Jan 2009)

...the names inscribed on the memorial at PaintBall Ridge of those militiamen who paid the supreme sacrifice during the war between Hell's Angels & Rock Machine...


----------



## Sigs Pig (13 Jan 2009)

... in the section aptly titled "For those who forgot their 'bulletproof' vest, we gratefully thank them for..."


----------



## Old Sweat (13 Jan 2009)

removing themselves from the gene pool . . .


----------



## Haggis (13 Jan 2009)

... in a most spectacular fashion, the highlights of which will be shown on...


----------



## George Wallace (13 Jan 2009)

this "Death by PowerPoint Presentation" graphically depicting.....


----------



## PMedMoe (13 Jan 2009)

.......every template available to man and neon colors that have caused blindness in.......


----------



## Shec (13 Jan 2009)

...the fim-makers producing a black-and-white documentary on...


----------



## Michael OLeary (13 Jan 2009)

... nothing in particular, making it eligible for a National Arts Council Grant of ....


----------



## Haggis (13 Jan 2009)

...a ridiculous amount of money, far more than that usually given out under the Sponsorship program.  But, in order to fully qualify, the soundtrack had to be composed by....


----------



## Shec (13 Jan 2009)

...University of Manitoba Faculty of Engineering's marching kazoo band...


----------



## kkwd (13 Jan 2009)

.... playing under water ....


----------



## Michael OLeary (13 Jan 2009)

.... off the Great Barrier Ref while wearing uniforms made of chum ...


----------



## PMedMoe (13 Jan 2009)

.....which is excellent shark bait.  Speaking of sharks, did you know that........


----------



## kkwd (13 Jan 2009)

.... you are more likely to be eaten by a land shark than to be abducted by aliens but ....


----------



## Haggis (13 Jan 2009)

... since aliens usually do sexual things to you and sharks don't, where's the fun in that?...


----------



## Shec (13 Jan 2009)

...mused our hero as he...


----------



## kkwd (13 Jan 2009)

.... received an anal probe from ....


----------



## Shec (13 Jan 2009)

...Bond, James Bond...


----------



## Nfld Sapper (13 Jan 2009)

....and Mini Me......


----------



## kkwd (13 Jan 2009)

.... suitably greased with ....


----------



## Shec (13 Jan 2009)

...Grease, Lubricating, C1A1, for the use of...


----------



## kkwd (13 Jan 2009)

.... Dave, the no arm paper hanger who we met earlier this adventure ...


----------



## Old Sweat (13 Jan 2009)

who had perfected a new way of presenting arms that was truly unique . . .


----------



## Michael OLeary (13 Jan 2009)

... and rated PG-17 for violence, language, and animal cruelty ...


----------



## geo (13 Jan 2009)

... stay tuned for an emergency measures check....


----------



## PMedMoe (13 Jan 2009)

......which we will make on a two-way radio made of string and tin cans, an idea stolen from.......


----------



## Michael OLeary (13 Jan 2009)

... the finest minds at CFSCE ...


----------



## kkwd (13 Jan 2009)

.... who had to work on a weekend or a holiday ...


----------



## Shec (13 Jan 2009)

...to take advantage of lower long-distance telephone rates...


----------



## kkwd (13 Jan 2009)

.... for the phone sex lines ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (13 Jan 2009)

... accessible through the Quartermaster's "spare" satellite phones which were still billing to a certain unit's "black" budget ...


----------



## kkwd (13 Jan 2009)

.... since the budget wasn't that great they were operated by cranks salvaged from old field telephones ...


----------



## Old Sweat (13 Jan 2009)

who refused to accept that a satelitte phone could replace the TA 43/PT . . .


----------



## kkwd (13 Jan 2009)

.... as he consulted his 1943 field manual ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (13 Jan 2009)

... with its cryptic marginal notes in semaphore stick men ...


----------



## kkwd (13 Jan 2009)

.... anatomically correct no less ...


----------



## Shec (14 Jan 2009)

...but nevertheless executing all drill movements with "rock-like steadiness"...


----------



## 211RadOp (14 Jan 2009)

...that was so realistic that they where painted white...


----------



## PMedMoe (14 Jan 2009)

......and blended in with the snowy landscape, way up north in.......


----------



## Shec (14 Jan 2009)

...Val D'or QC,  home of Milice Forces Base,  Camp Wannabe...


----------



## Michael OLeary (14 Jan 2009)

... ancient home of the _pantomime de pirate de tireur isolé de ninja_* ...



* ninja sniper pirate mime (Translation by Babelfish.)


----------



## Haggis (14 Jan 2009)

... the original "quiet professionals"......


----------



## Panzer Grenadier (14 Jan 2009)

...whose fame began with the legendary...


----------



## Michael OLeary (14 Jan 2009)

... _pantomime de pirate_, the leaders of which met their demise in The Terror after their members were unable to turn the tide of battle at the Glorious First of June ...


----------



## kkwd (14 Jan 2009)

.... but they got some nifty patches with this logo ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (14 Jan 2009)

... which was printed on the white silk flag each man carried in his "Surrender's Kit" ....


----------



## kkwd (14 Jan 2009)

.... which also contained Cepacol and crab shampoo ....


----------



## Shec (14 Jan 2009)

...and an emergency ration of _Joe Louis_...


----------



## kkwd (14 Jan 2009)

..... with a best by date of July 1973 and a generous portion of oil for sharpening the genuine fake Rambo type knife....


----------



## Shec (14 Jan 2009)

...which MR&O's required be kept honed to the point that it  could cleanly slice...


----------



## Michael OLeary (14 Jan 2009)

... the top off a ripe poutine ...


----------



## Gunnar (14 Jan 2009)

...notwithstanding...


----------



## kkwd (14 Jan 2009)

.... and so forth and forthwith and etc and a partridge in a pear tree  ....


----------



## Shec (14 Jan 2009)

...who swooped down low over the Major's head...


----------



## kkwd (14 Jan 2009)

.... laying an egg that subsequently hatched into ....


----------



## Michael OLeary (14 Jan 2009)

... the most grotesque amendment to the officers' PER system ever, with ranking dependent solely on the individual's HotorNot rating divided by IQ and multiplied by number of medals ...


----------



## kkwd (14 Jan 2009)

.... awarded by the Losers Club For Milice Wannabees ....


----------



## Shec (14 Jan 2009)

...pursuant to a directive issued by Chuck Norris...


----------



## kkwd (14 Jan 2009)

.... and punched into the major's chest in Morse code ...


----------



## Shec (14 Jan 2009)

...at the annual Regimental Ball held every February 31 at...


----------



## kkwd (14 Jan 2009)

.... the Chateau De Hug And Slug ...


----------



## Shec (14 Jan 2009)

...commemorating...


----------



## PMedMoe (14 Jan 2009)

......the full moon, occurring every "leap" leap year, only visible from the.......


----------



## kkwd (14 Jan 2009)

..... basement apartment of the village outhouse ...


----------



## Old Sweat (14 Jan 2009)

which doubled as the command post of the local detachment of the Legion of Frontiersmen . . .


----------



## kkwd (14 Jan 2009)

.... when they were kicked out of their old HQ in the grease pit of the local burger joint ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (15 Jan 2009)

... which was the site of an unsolved pedal-by paint-balling the following day ...


----------



## kkwd (15 Jan 2009)

.... with survivors describing swarthy men wearing dress pants and misshapen berets. They were chanting "poutine" as they went by and holding cheap looking knives. Only a small percentage of their shots connected with the targets as they were prone to shooting themselves. It must be said that all fatal victims died laughing. A warning was issued by police if this group was ever spotted again to ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (15 Jan 2009)

... take small children firmly by the hair and move them out of the line of fire ...


----------



## kkwd (15 Jan 2009)

.... and watch out for feeble attempts at recruiting to their cause. On the other hand, if you are small minded, kind of dumb and comfortable operating around the fringes of society then this may be just the right thing for you  ...


----------



## PMedMoe (15 Jan 2009)

......either that or join the local troop of Girl Guides, whose awesome feats include......


----------



## Shec (15 Jan 2009)

...decisively defeating the Quebec Militia with overwhelming firepower by deploying full boxes of cookies...


----------



## Harris (15 Jan 2009)

...which in reality were anti-pers toe poppers.  Therefore they...


----------



## Shec (15 Jan 2009)

...censured in the House by Taliban Jack for violating the Ottawa Treaty to which the International Girl Guide Movement was not signatory...


----------



## kkwd (15 Jan 2009)

.... so Jack can get bent ....


----------



## Michael OLeary (15 Jan 2009)

... folded and mutilated by the mail sorters at Canada Post ...


----------



## Shec (15 Jan 2009)

...which (a) justified the recent increase in postal rates, and (b) culminated in a Human Rights complaint laid by coalition partner, the BQ...


----------



## kkwd (15 Jan 2009)

.... because they wanted the exact same thing done to them ....


----------



## Michael OLeary (15 Jan 2009)

... but only in the other official language and by Quebec members of the union ...


----------



## Shec (15 Jan 2009)

...so a referendum was held...


----------



## Michael OLeary (15 Jan 2009)

... with an ambiguous question written in Pashto, untranslatable in either official Canadian language, and for which the only conceivable response was ....


----------



## Old Sweat (15 Jan 2009)

to uncork the nearest bottle of single malt. . .


----------



## Haggis (15 Jan 2009)

.... pour it into several shot galsses and take a seat in front of a roaring fire, with your trusty canine companion....


----------



## George Wallace (15 Jan 2009)

..........to fend off Cougars of the .........


----------



## Shec (15 Jan 2009)

...Club Divorcee, where desperate as they may be,  they nonetheless spurned the Major's advances...


----------



## kkwd (15 Jan 2009)

.... and stole the secret plans from him of .....


----------



## Michael OLeary (15 Jan 2009)

.... the Debert Deifenbunker ...


----------



## Shec (15 Jan 2009)

...which the Milice planned to use as an FOB for their re-conquest of Louisbourg...


----------



## kkwd (15 Jan 2009)

.... and subsequent destruction of the causeway ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (15 Jan 2009)

... except that their recce platoon had mistakenly identified Confederation Bridge as the causeway and were fruitlessly searching Prince Edward Island for an old French fort ...


----------



## kkwd (15 Jan 2009)

.... and only found an old French fart who commenced to kick their ass back to where they came from ...


----------



## Shec (15 Jan 2009)

...although that was problem since they couldn't remember what "Je Me Souviens" was supposed to remind them of...


----------



## helpup (15 Jan 2009)

So they wound up in Bathurst and stopped to smell the......


----------



## George Wallace (15 Jan 2009)

.....salmon fertilized potatoe fields of the ..........................


----------



## kkwd (15 Jan 2009)

.... Wellington Boot Brigade and Dance Troop ...


----------



## Shec (15 Jan 2009)

...who lip-sync'ed Stompin Tom's Bud The Spud while tending to their crop...


----------



## kkwd (15 Jan 2009)

.... of beer nuts and Hot Pockets. The group also known as the Wobbly Pops are famous for ...


----------



## Haggis (15 Jan 2009)

.... having thier sergeant major marching up and down the square...


----------



## Shec (15 Jan 2009)

...leading their lusty renditions of North Atlantic Squadron, Zulu Warrior, and, who could forget this classic God Almighty How Ashamed I Was...


----------



## kkwd (15 Jan 2009)

... To Eat My Weight .. In Momma's Fudge. But they carried on, pulled up their socks and  ....


----------



## Michael OLeary (16 Jan 2009)

... rowed their bathtub up Halifax Harbour in an attempt to board and capture the Angus L. MacDonald Bridge ...


----------



## kkwd (16 Jan 2009)

.... but they got caught in the sewage outflow from the dockyard and traveled in circles for days. They became an attraction and the locals came down to throw rocks and rotten vegetables at them. They made out alright though and collected the veggies for their emergency rations and the rocks to build their fortress to be named ....


----------



## Michael OLeary (16 Jan 2009)

... Fort Beausejour, but they thought that name had already been used, so after a clan meeting between the sterns of two ancient Oberons, they decided that they might be able to capture Theodore Tugboat from the dozen six-year-olds on board ...


----------



## kkwd (16 Jan 2009)

.... and outfit it with poutine cannons and add on armour consisting of garbage bags stiffened with grease from the hair of the major. They sailed it ....


----------



## Shec (16 Jan 2009)

...until they discovered that their homemade bow-ramp, cut in an attempt to convert the vessel into a landing craft, lacked the necessary structural integrity...


----------



## kkwd (16 Jan 2009)

.... being made of cardboard and used drinking straws reinforced with Elmer's glue, all stolen from the 6 years olds. Sea trials were unsuccessful so ....


----------



## Shec (16 Jan 2009)

...hanging on for dear life to the Titanic deck chairs that they stolen from the Maritime Museum of the Atlantic...


----------



## kkwd (16 Jan 2009)

.... they were run over by the Argentia ferry but didn't suffer any injuries due to ....


----------



## Shec (16 Jan 2009)

...the impact absorbing qualities of their poutine filled life preservers...


----------



## Michael OLeary (16 Jan 2009)

... so, after washing up on the shores of McNab's Island, ...


----------



## Niteshade (16 Jan 2009)

...They were captured by hermit crabs living in coconut shells when suddenly...


----------



## helpup (16 Jan 2009)

The brightest of their crew asked.. " What are coconut shelled hermit crabs doing on this Island, I thought we were in Halfiax?" with out skipping a beat the Hermit crabs as one replied">>>>>>>>>


----------



## Michael OLeary (16 Jan 2009)

... "Do a search, that's been asked before!" ...


----------



## George Wallace (16 Jan 2009)

as they rolled their eyes and threw back yet another wee dram of Scotland's finest only to hear.......


----------



## The Bread Guy (16 Jan 2009)

....a crew member below yelling, "Are you sick, man?!?," before he ran up to the main deck, holding....


----------



## Michael OLeary (16 Jan 2009)

... the crew's favourite stuffed bunny ...


----------



## George Wallace (16 Jan 2009)

Harvey, who was known affectionately as......


----------



## Shec (16 Jan 2009)

... Mon Petit Herve...










...


----------



## Michael OLeary (16 Jan 2009)

.. and normally lives below with Susie the inflatable sheep and ....


----------



## Shec (16 Jan 2009)

...the Major's collection of GI Joe action figures...


----------



## Haggis (16 Jan 2009)

... which could usually be found lustily chatting up a box of Barbies stacked on the same shelf.  Ken, however, felt left out...


----------



## Shec (16 Jan 2009)

...exemplifying the growing undercurrent of dissatisfaction in the ranks...


----------



## George Wallace (16 Jan 2009)

as was indicated in the numerous subscriptions to .............


----------



## Shec (16 Jan 2009)

...Soldier of Fortune...


----------



## George Wallace (16 Jan 2009)

want ads, advertizing jobs that only...........


----------



## PMedMoe (16 Jan 2009)

......looked for men who were not anatomically correct like......


----------



## Shec (16 Jan 2009)

...Braddock after the North Viets were finished with him...


----------



## Michael OLeary (16 Jan 2009)

.. and while this was going on the troops were discussing the viability a lawn dart tournament during the company smoker, or they should stick with combat croquet ...


----------



## kkwd (16 Jan 2009)

.... but seeing you could lose an eye at either game they chose Tiddlywinks instead but wouldn't you know it, Private Numpty took one to the ...


----------



## George Wallace (16 Jan 2009)

throat and fell into the ditch writhing in pain, all four hoofs in the air, screaming like 200 lbs of ..........


----------



## PMedMoe (16 Jan 2009)

.....crap in a 10 lb sand bag, which is what was used to stop the flooding when the.......


----------



## George Wallace (16 Jan 2009)

Christ was a Corporal in the.........


----------



## Michael OLeary (16 Jan 2009)

... counter-insurgency SPECOPS platoon employed by the government during the Fenian Raids ...


----------



## kkwd (16 Jan 2009)

.... on the drive in theater in Toronto to secure the only known copy of the movie ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (16 Jan 2009)

... in which John Bobbitt exhibited his truncated assets as a porn star (no, not that John Bobbitt, the other John Bobbitt) ...


----------



## Shec (16 Jan 2009)

...they were indeed razor sharp...


----------



## Michael OLeary (16 Jan 2009)

... but not sharp enough for the Legion of Frontiersmen, their application being turned down for being too Waltish, so they contemplated a move to Australia ...


----------



## Shec (16 Jan 2009)

...where they heard beer was the national drink...


----------



## kkwd (16 Jan 2009)

.... and silly outfits were the dress of the day ....


----------



## George Wallace (16 Jan 2009)

in the Bureau of Silly Walks located on the first floor, not the main floor, but never the Ground floor, possibly..........


----------



## kkwd (16 Jan 2009)

.... the sub-second floor or most probably the upper basement ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (16 Jan 2009)

... or the vaguely named Mezzanine ....


----------



## George Wallace (16 Jan 2009)

a country renowned for its flora and fauna, mostly located in or near wide expanses of sand called.......


----------



## PPCLI Guy (16 Jan 2009)

.......the Sandbox, which although referred to by many had actually only been visited by.....


----------



## George Wallace (16 Jan 2009)

the "Boys with Big Toys" crowd, who shop mostly at........................


----------



## Michael OLeary (16 Jan 2009)

... Waltmart ...


----------



## George Wallace (16 Jan 2009)

who cater to the indiscriminate connoisseurs of fine.............


----------



## kkwd (16 Jan 2009)

.... Lute fish and drain cleaner cocktails with a chaser consisting of ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (16 Jan 2009)

... unmentionable bodily fluids of the endangered ...


----------



## kkwd (16 Jan 2009)

.... yellow bellied sapper slapper and the kumquat fairy ....


----------



## The Bread Guy (17 Jan 2009)

...both of which have parts of their brain capable of curing.....


----------



## Shec (17 Jan 2009)

...poutine clogged arteries...


----------



## kkwd (17 Jan 2009)

.... with explosive enemas and rifle pull throughs  ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (17 Jan 2009)

... found in the remains of a Ross Rife factory in la belle province ...


----------



## kkwd (17 Jan 2009)

.... along with the skeletons of people who bought snacks from the plant vending machine, the skulls make fine ...


----------



## Nfld Sapper (17 Jan 2009)

.... bongo drums.....


----------



## kkwd (17 Jan 2009)

.... for dark and secret ceremonies deep in the bowels of the sewers of ....


----------



## Michael OLeary (17 Jan 2009)

... the headquarters of the judging agency for the Bulwer-Litton Fiction Contest which, sadly, flushed the following contribution:

_"Tess watched him approach, as an ethereal calm washed over her, filling her, nay, effusing her with a weary dread, she noted he was handsome, in a dark, threatening way and she knew, just knew, it would turn out badly, for the last time one of his ilk had come, striding calmly towards her, just as he was now, that one had repossessed her fridge."_ ...


----------



## Shec (17 Jan 2009)

...which angered the Major beyond his ability to control his emotions as the story reminded him of the time his own fridge, stuffed with beer and leftover pizza, was repossessed...


----------



## Michael OLeary (17 Jan 2009)

... and so, he decided, almost in a leaderlike way, that the only possible response was an invasion, but not of a vulnerable country ruled by a despotic dictator ... no, his invasion would target the sleepy southern-Ontario town of ...


----------



## Shec (17 Jan 2009)

...Guelph, the original home of Sleeman's Brewery...


----------



## geo (17 Jan 2009)

..... 's hopps supplier - Joe the Plumber....


----------



## Shec (17 Jan 2009)

...In a daring plan, codenamed Operation Tabernac...


----------



## kkwd (17 Jan 2009)

.... sub code named Drunken Bum, they donned their finest Canadian Tire camouflage and ...


----------



## Shec (17 Jan 2009)

...scrounged cash for enough Greyhound bus tickets to send their entire Rapid Deployment Force...


----------



## kkwd (17 Jan 2009)

.... to Walmart for more genuine imitation Rambo pig stickers and Bridge Mixture ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (17 Jan 2009)

... the no-doze energy supplement of Walts the world over ....


----------



## geo (17 Jan 2009)

... to whit, he promptly fell asleep in front of his shocktroops...


----------



## George Wallace (17 Jan 2009)

served with some pressed ham over glass, and a good glass of........


----------



## Haggis (17 Jan 2009)

...the best wine from a box they could afford.  Alas, at moment they were set upon by Gecko45 and SpecOps, the most deadly of the Mall Ninjas. "TO WAR!"  they cried...


----------



## geo (17 Jan 2009)

To war they laughed ...


----------



## George Wallace (17 Jan 2009)

they laughed some more, sipped a fine Perrier served on the rocks with a little.......


----------



## Shec (17 Jan 2009)

...cocktail sausage...


----------



## kkwd (17 Jan 2009)

.... and pond scum from their very own rubber duckie habitat in back of ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (17 Jan 2009)

... an abandoned municipal outdoor hockey rink in ....


----------



## kkwd (17 Jan 2009)

.... the seedy part of town where scum sucking pig dogs can fit right in ....


----------



## Shec (17 Jan 2009)

...across the street from the abandoned poutine cannery...


----------



## kkwd (17 Jan 2009)

.... a great resupply area for their emergency rations, fetid cheese and congealed gravy being the best thing for  ....


----------



## geo (17 Jan 2009)

.... constipation, indigestion and whatever else ails you...


----------



## Shec (17 Jan 2009)

...having thus stockpiled their stores for the forthcoming campaign the assault troops...


----------



## geo (17 Jan 2009)

... stood up, shuffled around, waited for the fearless leader to give them their marching orders and...


----------



## Shec (17 Jan 2009)

...advanced to contact at the nearest bar that featured Danceurs Nue...


----------



## kkwd (17 Jan 2009)

.... but there being much confusion and gnashing of teeth the whole thing fell apart so they went with plan B, "RUN AWAY RUN AWAY!!!!" After a while ...


----------



## Shec (18 Jan 2009)

...they regrouped at the nearest depanneur, bought a large bottle of rubbing alcohol, and drank it in the parking lot...


----------



## Michael OLeary (18 Jan 2009)

... to the amusement of the local streetwalkers and there Surete clients ...


----------



## George Wallace (18 Jan 2009)

sat with baited anticipation for the next coming of...............................


----------



## kkwd (18 Jan 2009)

.... Capt Mike and his Legless Mountain Climbing Legion of Doom ....


----------



## Haggis (18 Jan 2009)

.. led by the Evil Overlord of Nashville, DARTH BROOKS!


----------



## kkwd (18 Jan 2009)

..... and his evil underling Peanut Butter Man, who ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (18 Jan 2009)

... counter-intuitively, had a fatal allergy to all peanut related products, and had to take the following precautions ...


----------



## midget-boyd91 (18 Jan 2009)

none... because the fact that he was made up entirely of peanut butter, which is what he is allergic to, meant he died the instant he was conceived in the back of a '57....


----------



## kkwd (18 Jan 2009)

.... oh my, I really should sleep this one off, too much of the grape .... oh ... oh ....


----------



## Haggis (18 Jan 2009)

... they were going at it like rabbits in the back of a 3/4 ton Ford pickup truck, gun rack and all, driven by the Evil Overlord himself!  In fact, the Evil One was most likey PBM's father, right up to the point where he dribbled on his wench, the chocolate mixing with her peanut butter until....


*KABOOOOM!*


----------



## Michael OLeary (18 Jan 2009)

...an earth shattering kaboom! You mess with me...you mess with my Aludium Q-36 explosive space modulator ...


----------



## kkwd (18 Jan 2009)

..... and Buck Rogers secret decoder ring with bubblegum holder attachment ....


----------



## geo (18 Jan 2009)

.... He turned his head to his companion and asked ....


----------



## Michael OLeary (18 Jan 2009)

... have you been banned at Army.ca yet? ...


----------



## kkwd (18 Jan 2009)

.... no, but I was groped at a parade of the ....


----------



## geo (18 Jan 2009)

.... Ping Pong Fusiliers SHOW parade where I ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (18 Jan 2009)

... was on defaulters for ogling the RSMs daughter, a sweet little thing of 14 (stone) ...


----------



## kkwd (18 Jan 2009)

.... worth of matted hair in her armpits and a smell that would gag a ...


----------



## Haggis (19 Jan 2009)

...maggot...


----------



## Shec (19 Jan 2009)

...one sidelong glance at her and the Major was smitten...


----------



## Haggis (19 Jan 2009)

... across the face by a cricket bat that she had hidden in her bodice.  Teeth flew and blood gusged from a gaping....


----------



## geo (19 Jan 2009)

... orifice.  The orifice the RSM had kindly torn out for....


----------



## Shec (19 Jan 2009)

...being late for both breakfast and pay parade...


----------



## Haggis (19 Jan 2009)

....as a result of their glaringly abysmal example of "conduct unbecoming"  back in post #940.....


----------



## Shec (19 Jan 2009)

...so after the RSM received a telephone call from the Major's mommy...


----------



## Haggis (19 Jan 2009)

... the RSM was intrigued by the prospect of naked cougar hunting and agreed to meet her at a bar in Gatineau....


----------



## Teflon (19 Jan 2009)

... and stated that he would be the striking fellow in the corduroy liesure suit and ruby tiara...


----------



## Haggis (19 Jan 2009)

.... Alas, he found out that there were other MILF Hunters who shopped in the same stores as him. Who'd a thunk that many men wore liesure suits these days?  (Funny.  That guy at the bar looks familiar... could that be..... naaah!) Trying to stick out in the crowd, he.....


----------



## Lil_T (19 Jan 2009)

... ordered a pina colada, unbuttoned his shirt a la Disco Stu and....


----------



## Shec (19 Jan 2009)

...put on his RayBan Aviator sunglasses...


----------



## Teflon (19 Jan 2009)

.... and promptly tripped over a bar stool as the dimly lit confines of the bar where just way to dark to be waring sun glasses in not matter what the "cool" factor...


----------



## Shec (19 Jan 2009)

... having thus accomplished his immediate objective of sticking out in the crowd...


----------



## kkwd (19 Jan 2009)

.... with one foot stuck in a spittoon and a hand up some guy's ...


----------



## Lil_T (19 Jan 2009)

...dress.  He thought to himself, is that.... naaah.....


----------



## kkwd (19 Jan 2009)

... a Highlander!!! Oh no, prepare for a beating he thought, but right then ...


----------



## Shec (19 Jan 2009)

...his blind-date the Major's mom, wearing thigh high stilletto heeled red patent leather boots and holding a whip, appeared...


----------



## kkwd (19 Jan 2009)

..... and pulled out her gun and attempted to shoot the major in the head, but it being so full of air just made a hissing noise. He pulled out his patch kit and was back in business in no time. He says to himself he says "self, I hate it when this happens". So everybody ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (19 Jan 2009)

... formed a hollow square for another lesson in _Fashion and Mis-Matched Camo_ ...


----------



## kkwd (19 Jan 2009)

....with the major being the training aid. After much edumacation they all raised their ....


----------



## Michael OLeary (19 Jan 2009)

... sacred knock-off Rambo knives ...


----------



## kkwd (19 Jan 2009)

.... with several eyes being put out in the process, but being dumb as stumps the troops carried on and ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (19 Jan 2009)

... chanted that solemn verse: ....


----------



## PMedMoe (19 Jan 2009)

Who controls the British crown?
Who keeps the metric system down?
We do!  We do!

Who leaves Atlantis off the maps?
Who keeps the Martians under wraps?
We do!  We do!

Who holds back the electric car?
Who makes Steve Gutenberg a star?
We do!  We do!

Who robs cavefish of their sight?
Who rigs every Oscar night?
We do!  We do!

 ;D


----------



## Shec (19 Jan 2009)

...and so, motivated and inspired by that verse, these few, these merry few, this stalwart band of bozos, re-launched their invasion of Ontario by...


----------



## Michael OLeary (19 Jan 2009)

... hopping on an Acadian Line bus to ...














































... Digby ...


----------



## armyvern (19 Jan 2009)

... Oromoscow to visit Vern so they can party wildly and ...


----------



## kkwd (19 Jan 2009)

.... be buried in her back yard after she finds out what a bunch of .....


----------



## Michael OLeary (19 Jan 2009)

... absolute and total ...


----------



## Haggis (19 Jan 2009)

... chapless a$$es they really are.  Now for those who are wondering what this _really_ is all about....


----------



## kkwd (19 Jan 2009)

.... a group of people not unlike  These UberWalts but our heroes are ....


----------



## Haggis (20 Jan 2009)

... filled with righteous indignation at not being mentioned in Obama's inaguration speech.  After penning a vitrolic letter to the editor of....


----------



## geo (20 Jan 2009)

.... He decided to go to the chappel and give confession...


----------



## kkwd (20 Jan 2009)

.... Father Paddy O'Furniture who was so disgusted he jumped up and tore off ....


----------



## Haggis (20 Jan 2009)

... his cassock, revealing burly arms covered in "Hell's Angels" tattoos...


----------



## kkwd (20 Jan 2009)

..... and proceeded to open up a can of whoop ass on the major and his gaggle. After much blood and snot had been shed ....


----------



## geo (20 Jan 2009)

... the Padre waded into the fray and commenced....


----------



## kkwd (20 Jan 2009)

.... tossing the bodies through the window and into the street where they were hit by passing buses. Too dumb to lay down and die the entire bunch ....


----------



## Panzer Grenadier (20 Jan 2009)

...headed to Mexicali Rosas...


----------



## kkwd (20 Jan 2009)

.... but were stopped at the door and beaten to a pulp by a tiny blind girl in a wheelchair. Turning around they met ....


----------



## Shec (20 Jan 2009)

...Cst. Dudley Do-right, RCMP,  who insisted on seeing their PAC's (Paintballgun Acquisition Certificates)...


----------



## kkwd (20 Jan 2009)

.... so they stomped on his foot and tried to run but were blocked by .... (1000 replies you crazy people   )


----------



## Shec (20 Jan 2009)

...the major who tripped when his pants uncinched and dropped down over his ankles...


----------



## kkwd (20 Jan 2009)

.... and exposed his unmentionables with the little hearts and flowers on them. The huge wriggling pile them slithered down the street to ...


----------



## Shec (20 Jan 2009)

...their ammunition point where they cracked open paintballs to sniff the contents...


----------



## kkwd (20 Jan 2009)

.... and lick each others ...


----------



## Shec (20 Jan 2009)

...toes...


----------



## kkwd (20 Jan 2009)

.... and compliments went all around on the great job they had done so far, then it was on with the adventure. They packed up their symbolic knives and paintball guns and headed off to invade ...


----------



## Shec (20 Jan 2009)

...the bottomless salad bar at Mother Tucker's Food Experience which was occupied by the Royal Hutt River Army...


----------



## kkwd (20 Jan 2009)

.... And Joke Shop (RHRAJS). There was a flurry of fisticuffs with no clear winner, The major then decided to ...


----------



## Shec (20 Jan 2009)

...declare it a victory anyway (as they hadn't technically lost) and petitioned the BQ to award La Milice a Battle Honour...


----------



## George Wallace (20 Jan 2009)

The Bien Bloc Quebecois with Hickory (or the BBQ Sauce) Chefs Degree,  one Degree up from the ............


----------



## kkwd (20 Jan 2009)

.... the Slop Bucket with Crossed Chicken Bones and Guts, but they still have their eye on ....


----------



## George Wallace (20 Jan 2009)

the coveted Bon Bon Fete with Rossette, Maitre Degree, (or the TouTou), awarded to outstanding transgenders who have walked the runways of Milan and Paris as international models representing their National Government of.........


----------



## kkwd (20 Jan 2009)

.... The Principality of Hutt River supported by the ....


----------



## George Wallace (20 Jan 2009)

the latest recipient of the ORDER OF ST. STANISLAS, Igor Lavinski, a mild manner man from Hutt, but now living in the thriving metropolis of ...........................


----------



## Michael OLeary (20 Jan 2009)

... Oromoscow, deep in the cold Newbrunswickian wilderness, near a widely known secret special forces training camp, the worst kept secret in all of  ....


----------



## PMedMoe (20 Jan 2009)

........Kouchibouguac but no one knew because the name of the place was unpronounceable, except to the local natives who........


----------



## George Wallace (20 Jan 2009)

blurred into psychedelic creatures when my meds cut in, I then tried to take another Happy Pill, but my fat fingers........


----------



## Michael OLeary (20 Jan 2009)

... mistook the handle of my sacred imitation Rambo knife for my pill bottle, and inadvertently swallowed one authentic reproduction escape compass and three gravel suppositories ...


----------



## George Wallace (20 Jan 2009)

supposedly supposing that I was well cammed and primed to go..........


----------



## kkwd (20 Jan 2009)

.... or well oiled and all hidely ho like, speaking of that, I just .....


----------



## Michael OLeary (20 Jan 2009)

... came from Tim Hortons, where I ...


----------



## kkwd (20 Jan 2009)

.... went through the dumpster and found it empty, the major beat me to it again, next time ...


----------



## Lil_T (21 Jan 2009)

....I'll just go to Starbucks and get me one of them fancy faux ceramic mugs......


----------



## kkwd (21 Jan 2009)

.... and jam it straight down ...


----------



## Shec (21 Jan 2009)

...the barrel of the Royal Hutt River Artillery piece commanding the heights overlooking...


----------



## kkwd (21 Jan 2009)

.... the HQ of the International Wannabees And Funny Hat Wearing Knife Wielders Association And Pancake House, after the dust settled ....


----------



## Shec (21 Jan 2009)

...the bottle of pancake syrup, neither maple nor any other kind, was nowhere to be found...


----------



## geo (21 Jan 2009)

... but bottles of super spicy tobasco based sauce was plentiful.  We.....


----------



## kkwd (21 Jan 2009)

.... used it as weapon and squirted it into the eyes of the bad guys, wouldn't you know it, they liked it and ....


----------



## George Wallace (21 Jan 2009)

asked for more as they opened their mouths to receive the........


----------



## kkwd (21 Jan 2009)

.... business end of a water gun filled with ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (21 Jan 2009)

... the watery stuff from the bottom of the bag a ham and egg omelet is boiled in ...


----------



## PMedMoe (21 Jan 2009)

........one's helmet, thus eliminating the need for a pressure cooker, which is good because......


----------



## Lil_T (21 Jan 2009)

... I don't have a pressure cooker.  Besides that the dog started.....


----------



## Michael OLeary (21 Jan 2009)

... craping out decades worth of incomplete homework that I had fed him over the years, needing a believable alibi for when the Vice-Principal rolled out the Polygraph and sodium pentothal ...


----------



## Shec (21 Jan 2009)

...in his obsessive hunt for the pre-teen miscreants who allegedly deflated his wife's car's tires...


----------



## Michael OLeary (21 Jan 2009)

... while she was volunteering as a post-game massage therapist for the football team ...


----------



## Shec (21 Jan 2009)

...The Madawaska Gangbangers...


----------



## Michael OLeary (21 Jan 2009)

.... who were the poorest excuse for a bunch of baggy-pants-wearing, fake gang-sign-flashing, hip-hop wannabee gangsters that ever got a ride to school in Mommy's minivan ...


----------



## Shec (21 Jan 2009)

...so not unsurprisingly the Major took a liking to them...


----------



## Haggis (21 Jan 2009)

.... and provided them with a selection of gansta rap CD's from his new "crew", Les Courier du Bois, which they used as.....


----------



## geo (21 Jan 2009)

... work tunes - while they toiled on the Sea-things.  They quickly approached ....


----------



## Shec (21 Jan 2009)

...the Niagara Falls...


----------



## Michael OLeary (21 Jan 2009)

... all the while clamouring "Are we there yet?" ...


----------



## Shec (21 Jan 2009)

...and this just in from the channel 11 news chopper...


----------



## Michael OLeary (21 Jan 2009)

..."Oh, the humanity!" ....


----------



## Haggis (21 Jan 2009)

... a grey minvan full of sepratist rappers in Canadian Tire camouflage has just gone over the Horseshoe Falls.  We break from this story to bring you Britney's latest....


----------



## Bzzliteyr (21 Jan 2009)

vagina monlogue.. where she states the obvious...


----------



## Michael OLeary (21 Jan 2009)

... "Oops, I did it again!" ....


----------



## PMedMoe (21 Jan 2009)

......forgot to wear underwear and was photographed by......


----------



## geo (21 Jan 2009)

Back to our regularly scheduled show.... Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Tonto - cleverly disguised as a door got his ball$ shot off while...


----------



## Bzzliteyr (21 Jan 2009)

watching geo come running out of left field with a story about...


----------



## Michael OLeary (21 Jan 2009)

... nothing at all really, but that's OK, because ....


----------



## Bzzliteyr (21 Jan 2009)

he's "special"... which is allowed in the military now because...


----------



## Lil_T (21 Jan 2009)

.. it's a kinder, gentler military, where the CADPAT is being replaced by a chintz pattern and guns are being replaced by daisies.  After all...


----------



## Michael OLeary (21 Jan 2009)

... guns don't kill people, people kill people ...


----------



## PMedMoe (21 Jan 2009)

.....and boy, there's some I'd like to kill.  Picture it, Sicily, 1934, but I digress......


----------



## Michael OLeary (21 Jan 2009)

... digress away, Sicily, 1934, the depths of the Depression, nothing to eat by dust and dried olives, washed down with ....


----------



## kkwd (21 Jan 2009)

.... foot wine, no grapes, just foot ...


----------



## Lil_T (21 Jan 2009)

... which amazingly goes great with a hearty bouillabaisse... what? it's got a very distinct flavour, kind of like......


----------



## Michael OLeary (21 Jan 2009)

... the scrapings from the inside of a Roman Centurion's greaves ...


----------



## PMedMoe (21 Jan 2009)

......with a smell reminiscent of Limburger cheese, which was procured from......


----------



## kkwd (21 Jan 2009)

.... the major's personal stock in his emergency bomb shelter under ....


----------



## PMedMoe (21 Jan 2009)

......Tom Cruise's bomb shelter which really pi$$ed off Katie Holmes because she........


----------



## kkwd (21 Jan 2009)

.... had to move her collection of hair clippings and toe nails to ....


----------



## Shec (21 Jan 2009)

...the survivalist wilderness area near downtown...


----------



## armyvern (21 Jan 2009)

... Miramichi City, New Brusnwick so that ...


----------



## kkwd (21 Jan 2009)

.... all could enjoy this mythical land of dragons and knights and gun registry workers ...


----------



## Panzer Grenadier (21 Jan 2009)

...when suddenly, the earth cracked wide open...


----------



## kkwd (21 Jan 2009)

.... and out came more gun registry workers ...


----------



## Lil_T (21 Jan 2009)

...singing; "we represent the lollipop guild, the lollipop guild, the lollipop guild", while......


----------



## twistidnick (21 Jan 2009)

.... Paul Martin sucked Jack Layton's brain  out with a straw, all of the sudden,,,,


----------



## Michael OLeary (21 Jan 2009)

... the northern lights illuminated squadrons of RCAF Canada Geese patrolling over the Northwest Passage, ready to throw themselves into the engines of attacking aircraft ...


----------



## kkwd (21 Jan 2009)

.... but only in summer of course. In winter ....


----------



## Michael OLeary (21 Jan 2009)

... they patrol the 49th parallel ...


----------



## kkwd (22 Jan 2009)

.... stopping occasionally to scrounge fries from fast food restaurants and crap on any Volkswagen they see. For anyone interested in joining this gaggle the recruiting Gander will be in his office weekdays from 0800 to 1630. Just be prepared to do the Goose Aptitude Test (GAT) on your first visit. The medical will test for tenderness and taste. Any rejects become dinner. If you want to find out more about the Royal Goose Squadron (RGS) use the search function!!!! The major took this all in and decided to steer clear of them and pushed his troops towards ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (22 Jan 2009)

... the brink of mutiny ....


----------



## kkwd (22 Jan 2009)

.... a province of the country of Insanity. They were welcomed with open arms, they finally found a home. But all was not well ....


----------



## Michael OLeary (22 Jan 2009)

... because _Something is rotten in the state of Denmark_ ....


----------



## kkwd (22 Jan 2009)

.... and it is not the cheese. There was a faint odor of rat and poutine, but anyway ....


----------



## Michael OLeary (22 Jan 2009)

... like a rat without a tail, ...


----------



## kkwd (22 Jan 2009)

.... and the big boot came down and crushed the rat's ....


----------



## Michael OLeary (22 Jan 2009)

... appendix, which was removed in an emergency surgical procedure by following the instructions kept in the section medic's symbolic imitation Rambo knife, and the knife itself as the scalpel ...


----------



## kkwd (22 Jan 2009)

.... with the rust on the blade making a mark across the skin that the medic thought was an incision. So the operation was finished off with a spork from KFC and a ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (22 Jan 2009)

.... fake dogtag on which the owner had honed a razor-sharp edge against the cell classroom wall the last time he was in lockup detention at school ...


----------



## kkwd (22 Jan 2009)

.... sewing up the wound was accomplished by licking across the edge and squeezing it shut, the glue like properties of the ham and egg omelet he had just eaten sealed it tight, now to pry his lips apart, hand me the ...


----------



## LuvsMud (22 Jan 2009)

stale baguette bunny ears Tom Green taped to his head...


----------



## Shec (22 Jan 2009)

...which served as antennae for the radios of the Milice sigs troop attached to Task Force Sovereignity Association that hoisted the Fleurs Des Lys over Hans Island...


----------



## geo (22 Jan 2009)

.... Meanwhile the Lone Ranger, surrounded by baguette waving Métis turns to Tonto & says, "methinks we're in trouble" to which Tonto responded.......


----------



## kkwd (22 Jan 2009)

.... what do you mean we? And off he ran. Meanwhile the gaggle ...


----------



## Michael OLeary (22 Jan 2009)

... of ninjasniperwannabees wavered, unsure if their imitation Rambo knives would stand up to a committed baguette assault ...


----------



## Shec (22 Jan 2009)

...particularly since the enemy was using, contrary to the Geneva Convention, day-old sourdough baguettes as opposed to the freshly baked  white flour kind...


----------



## kkwd (22 Jan 2009)

.... so we waved a piece of paper in front of them from the International Court ... and they ignored us, so on they went to ...


----------



## geo (22 Jan 2009)

... the court of public opinion - where they were crucified for....


----------



## kkwd (22 Jan 2009)

.... not having correct change for the pay toilet and ...


----------



## geo (22 Jan 2009)

.... just doin' it on the road & walking away contented while whistling.....


----------



## kkwd (22 Jan 2009)

.... the Milice theme song to the tune of ....


----------



## Haggis (22 Jan 2009)

.... The Ballad of Gilligan's Island....


----------



## kkwd (22 Jan 2009)

.... and they were accosted by a rabid raccoon and his sidekick Fluffy, after a severe mauling ....


----------



## Shec (23 Jan 2009)

... a Medals Parade was held during which Admiral General Mitty awarded each man La Coeur Violet...


----------



## PMedMoe (23 Jan 2009)

.....and a three day pass to P.E.I so that the men could have a party with $25 M worth of lobster and......


----------



## Shec (23 Jan 2009)

...their knowledge of PEI having previously recce'd it in reply 846


----------



## George Wallace (23 Jan 2009)

and a Mod posting JFGI as a reply to the tenth question on..........


----------



## Shec (23 Jan 2009)

...page 1 of Appendix A of the Milice Soldat's Handbook...


----------



## kkwd (23 Jan 2009)

.... containing the proper technique for appearing at a rally without looking like a dork, unfortunately wearing funny striped pants and pizza chef berets that is impossible. Page 2 of Appendix A covers ...


----------



## Lil_T (23 Jan 2009)

... appropriate attire for attending such rallies, which they would have known if they had READ Appendix A pg 2 instead of.....


----------



## kkwd (23 Jan 2009)

.... the online version of Splat magazine ....


----------



## Shec (23 Jan 2009)

...as brought to their attention by their Range Safety Officer just before his untimely and tragic...


----------



## R. Jorgensen (23 Jan 2009)

...Texas Hold 'Em accident...


----------



## kkwd (23 Jan 2009)

.... where he actually held a Texan and got his lights punched out. While he was recovering in the Milice MIR  ...


----------



## Shec (23 Jan 2009)

...his nurse Fifi, who had benefited from a Quebec Health Insurance Plan subsidized sex change,...


----------



## kkwd (23 Jan 2009)

.... slipped with a scalpel in her hand and caused great damage when it ...


----------



## Shec (23 Jan 2009)

...almost missed...


----------



## Haggis (24 Jan 2009)

... the latest episode of "Flashpoint", thereby denying MOUT/OBUA/FISH training to La Milice...


----------



## Shec (24 Jan 2009)

...But fortunately the Milice PAM Library had an extensive collection of small unit infantry tactical manuals  http://www.fortunecity.com/tattooine/leiber/18/01.htm  ...


----------



## kkwd (24 Jan 2009)

.... the other  training manual series was a little out of their league so they settled in with some Labatt 50 and poutine sandwiches and ....


----------



## Shec (24 Jan 2009)

...some straws to suck back that beer with...


----------



## George Wallace (24 Jan 2009)

through the nose, and out the ears, making for an interesting...........


----------



## kkwd (24 Jan 2009)

.... puddle on the floor full of blood and snot and grease from ...


----------



## Gunnar (25 Jan 2009)

..the latest recruit for...


----------



## Weinie (25 Jan 2009)

......the role of Al Gore in the upcoming biopic titled......


----------



## kkwd (25 Jan 2009)

.... " My Big Imagination Inside A Small Brain" so they all piled into their surplus ML and headed down to the local house of ill repute to ...


----------



## Shec (25 Jan 2009)

...mooch a freebie...


----------



## kkwd (25 Jan 2009)

.... which is a local euphemism for going through the dumpsters for used condoms to put on the muzzle of their paintball guns for their assault river crossing on ...


----------



## Shec (26 Jan 2009)

...a dried up streambed...


----------



## kkwd (26 Jan 2009)

.... so it took extra time to attach wheels to their assault boats (blown up garbage bags) giving their enemy advance warning who then laid down a barrage of ...


----------



## geo (26 Jan 2009)

... thumb tacks.  In this way they denied them movement at a time when .....


----------



## Shec (26 Jan 2009)

...they had lost surprise, momentum, initiative, and domination of the battlefield..


----------



## PMedMoe (26 Jan 2009)

.....and decided instead to play a game of Twister, the Monopoly game having been lost during the.......


----------



## ajp (26 Jan 2009)

...SSM's latest Tirade over the use of...


----------



## Gunnar (26 Jan 2009)

...a *personal* prothesis as a BFA...


----------



## kkwd (26 Jan 2009)

.... (Butterfinger alternative) that caused a bad taste in the mouth resulting in a higher than normal number of requests for mouth wash and  ....


----------



## Haggis (26 Jan 2009)

... dental floss.  Miraculously, our ne'er do well "hereoes" were able to patch thier (c)raft and continue down the ice covered gully until....


----------



## geo (26 Jan 2009)

... they came upon a merry band of companions bound for....


----------



## kkwd (26 Jan 2009)

.... The Rutabaga Moonshine Distillers of Upper Drunkinstan, but they couldn't read a map and ....


----------



## Shec (26 Jan 2009)

...had already smashed open their surplus liquid field compasses in their desperate quest for alcohol..


----------



## 211RadOp (26 Jan 2009)

...and none of them really knew how to use a PLGR...


----------



## George Wallace (26 Jan 2009)

however, with a plunger they attacked the problem from a different angle and came up with..........


----------



## kkwd (26 Jan 2009)

.... the top secret documents of the Inbred Dopers Initiative Of The South (IDIOTS), giving them ideas on how to ...


----------



## George Wallace (26 Jan 2009)

write Policy Statements for the New Democratic Party regarding the implementation of....................


----------



## kkwd (26 Jan 2009)

.... a national coffee break where all have to face towards Ottawa while drinking ersatz joe and eating ....


----------



## PMedMoe (26 Jan 2009)

.......Beavertails, made on the south bank of a river in the sunny climes of.......


----------



## kkwd (26 Jan 2009)

.... St. John's, the sun and fun capitol of the world ...


----------



## George Wallace (26 Jan 2009)

with streets full of houses gayly painted in rainbow colours, and bars on every corner, catering to........


----------



## kkwd (26 Jan 2009)

.... everyone and anybody ... except for ....


----------



## 211RadOp (26 Jan 2009)

...thoes woh rfuse to use spel cheker...


----------



## kkwd (26 Jan 2009)

... and drinkers of Jockey Club ....


----------



## Shec (27 Jan 2009)

...or the Major's favorite cocktail , 2 parts vanilla extract and 1 part Old Spice...


----------



## kkwd (27 Jan 2009)

.... with a chaser of his batman's sweat wrung out of his ....


----------



## PMedMoe (27 Jan 2009)

.......boxer shorts and mixed with......


----------



## kkwd (27 Jan 2009)

.... the coffee grounds from the dumpster behind the local Tim Horton's, resulting in a crunchy concoction the major is considering selling under the brand name ...


----------



## Shec (27 Jan 2009)

...Cafe Au Milice...


----------



## kkwd (27 Jan 2009)

.... to be exclusively sold through the major's favourite coffee shop, The Garaxy Cruiser. After a refreshing cup of Cafe Au Milice they all ....


----------



## Shec (27 Jan 2009)

...piled into regimental transport's 1972 Lada...


----------



## kkwd (27 Jan 2009)

.... with the wobbly wheels and flattened soup cans over the holes in the floor, suddenly there was a terrible crash ...


----------



## Shec (27 Jan 2009)

...caused by an IEWB (improvised exploding wine bottle) ...


----------



## George Wallace (27 Jan 2009)

and everyone knows that that stain just wont come out of the suede leather boots, unless one is............


----------



## kkwd (27 Jan 2009)

.... going to use naphtha and a lighter, oops, whoosh, there goes the major's fabulous mane, now it's off to the hairdresser to try to salvage it. On the way ....


----------



## Shec (28 Jan 2009)

...he tripped over his already bruised knuckles...


----------



## kkwd (28 Jan 2009)

.... and fell face first into a big steaming pile of ...


----------



## 211RadOp (28 Jan 2009)

...5 day old chicken cacciatore from the mess hall in Borden...


----------



## kkwd (28 Jan 2009)

.... recycled from the kitchen in Petawawa after being rejected by Valcartier, it wasn't as bad as ....


----------



## PMedMoe (28 Jan 2009)

......the leftovers from a big dog and pony show, which, surprisingly, actually had big dogs and ponies......


----------



## kkwd (28 Jan 2009)

.... entrails ground up and turned into imitation ham omelet for Freddychef, the meal of choice of ....


----------



## Shec (28 Jan 2009)

.. the Freddychef brand manager and his sales team...


----------



## kkwd (28 Jan 2009)

.... after a night on a big drunk with nothing else to eat in the place ...


----------



## Shec (28 Jan 2009)

...except for the cigarette butts recovered from empty beer bottles...


----------



## kkwd (28 Jan 2009)

.... used as emergency urinals in the car on the ride home ....


----------



## Shec (28 Jan 2009)

...from the last Milice Jr. Ranks Club Smoker..


----------



## kkwd (28 Jan 2009)

.... held in an old school bus up on blocks in the major's backyard, a gift from the grateful people of ....


----------



## Shec (28 Jan 2009)

...the paintball gun and accessory supply company which would have gone tits-up years ago without Milice patronage...


----------



## kkwd (28 Jan 2009)

.... and also the manufacturer of genuine fake Rambo knives, who did a booming business on the side of ....


----------



## Shec (28 Jan 2009)

...personalized messtins c/w KFS for Poutine...


----------



## kkwd (28 Jan 2009)

.... the Milice having previously used their hands to hold the regimental food. The medic got tired of treating burns so when they received their mess tins and gut wrenches  there was much dancing and rejoicing. During that merriment a collision happened between ....


----------



## PMedMoe (28 Jan 2009)

....the medic and the major causing a major medical mishap which was funny as that's what the major called his.......


----------



## kkwd (28 Jan 2009)

... operation to enhance his ....


----------



## Shec (28 Jan 2009)

...tiny, flacid and inadequate...


----------



## kkwd (28 Jan 2009)

.... flock of troops ....


----------



## Shec (28 Jan 2009)

,,,who continued to devotedly worship their leader's...


----------



## kkwd (28 Jan 2009)

.... former moustache which was torn off in a fight with a Girl Guide. He had it mounted on a plaque and displayed in the fort. In place of the moustache he had ....


----------



## Shec (28 Jan 2009)

...donned a suitable prosthetic appliance which really looked natty under his tinfoil beret...


----------



## kkwd (28 Jan 2009)

.... that attracted lightening and more than once he received a terrible burn to his ....


----------



## Shec (28 Jan 2009)

...suit protective, rubber, C1A1, for the use of...


----------



## kkwd (28 Jan 2009)

.... mud wrestlers ....


----------



## Shec (28 Jan 2009)

...who instruct Milice soldats in the martial arts...


----------



## kkwd (28 Jan 2009)

.... but that had to cease because of the many injuries received from the practice dummies. Now martial arts training consists of watching Chop Sockey movies and  ....


----------



## Shec (28 Jan 2009)

... and lip-syncing the 1970's rock hit "Kung Fu Fighting" http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=1BNWmnHPFvE  ...


----------



## AirCanuck (28 Jan 2009)

...while simultaneously riding a...


----------



## kkwd (28 Jan 2009)

.... saw horse while being careful not to get splinters in ....


----------



## Shec (28 Jan 2009)

...The Major's longtime riding coach and bedmate, Teddy Bear...


----------



## kkwd (28 Jan 2009)

.... but be sure not ask him about the stains covering the Teddy Bear's ....


----------



## AirCanuck (28 Jan 2009)

...favorite pajamas, as they still fight to this day over the time they were ruined when...


----------



## twistidnick (28 Jan 2009)

..the heavens parted and peanutbutter poured down like...


----------



## kkwd (29 Jan 2009)

.... gravy on the world record size poutine the major was planning to raise funds for ....


----------



## Shec (29 Jan 2009)

...a presentation to the IOC proposing that poutine speed-eating be a new competitive event at the Vancouver 2010 Olympics...


----------



## kkwd (29 Jan 2009)

.... and that the games be moved to Montreal. The IOC were not impressed and had to call security. A severe beating ensued with the loss of ....


----------



## Shec (29 Jan 2009)

...the portable cardiac defibrillator that legally had to be freely available wherever and whenever poutine is served,  "CLEAR" ...


----------



## geo (29 Jan 2009)

... but when they opened the case to get at the paddles, they found the paddles had been removed & a share certificate from MILO Enterprises was ..........................


----------



## kkwd (29 Jan 2009)

.... tucked into an empty bottle of   Labatt 50 and accompanied by an autographed copy of ....


----------



## Shec (29 Jan 2009)

...the major's favorite Fèves au Lard recipe http://www.recettes.qc.ca/recettes/recette.php?id=1956&rdj=&pub= ...


----------



## AirCanuck (29 Jan 2009)

...along with a note stating his entire estate be left to...


----------



## kkwd (29 Jan 2009)

.... the people of inner earth. All of this reminded the major of the time there was a terrible accident in the Pam library when his Batman suffered a broken ...


----------



## Shec (29 Jan 2009)

...fingernail...


----------



## kkwd (29 Jan 2009)

.... and was rushed to the hospital for a nail transplant from the victim of a vigorous manicure. The nail didn't take so now the Batman has to use another finger to pick his nose. A memorial was created to the lost nail which was placed in ....


----------



## Shec (29 Jan 2009)

...an empty Labatt's 50 stubbie that was cleaned, polished, and displayed in the trophy case of the...


----------



## kkwd (29 Jan 2009)

.... hall of heroes, it being the only display. But it should be filled with things soon due to the Master Plan being implemented starting with a raid on ....


----------



## Shec (29 Jan 2009)

...the major's ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend's suite in the local chapter of  Hell's Angel's fortified clubhouse. The op,  codenamed...


----------



## kkwd (29 Jan 2009)

.... via the sewer system, the orders advised the troops not to wear their best boots. After a long and arduous journey ....


----------



## Shec (29 Jan 2009)

...the pioneers wrestled opened a manhole cover up top, the scout poked his head out, and...


----------



## AirCanuck (29 Jan 2009)

... spotted the Major's ex-girlfriend using a hula hoop...


----------



## Shec (29 Jan 2009)

...to perfect her table-dancing technique...


----------



## kkwd (29 Jan 2009)

... for the Hell's Angels annual charity fundraiser and orgy ....


----------



## Shec (29 Jan 2009)

...which was scheduled to be broadcast on the Jerry Springer Show...


----------



## kkwd (29 Jan 2009)

.... but had to be canceled when Jerry strained his back "trying out the talent" ...


----------



## Shec (30 Jan 2009)

...sensing this was his big break the major stepped forward and began hosting the Springer Show on a hospitalized Jerry's behalf.  The topic of his first episode was Family Pets Who Have Had A Sex Change...


----------



## George Wallace (30 Jan 2009)

something dear to his heart and a secret desire of the ..........................


----------



## Shec (30 Jan 2009)

the rubber duckie that was the Milice mascot....


----------



## kkwd (30 Jan 2009)

.... which reminded the major of an old  sea ditty his grandpa taught him ...


----------



## Shec (30 Jan 2009)

...shortly before Grandpa amended his will...


----------



## kkwd (30 Jan 2009)

.... to have all the grand kids buried alive with him. But the major found out and ....


----------



## George Wallace (31 Jan 2009)

put out a UCR for terracotta statues in positions representing...........


----------



## Shec (31 Jan 2009)

...the Ceremonial Guard of La Milice on parade in front of the Quebec Legislative Assembly...


----------



## kkwd (31 Jan 2009)

.... dressed in  chainmail armour they bought on ebay. But is was so cold there were many cases of frostbite to their ....


----------



## Shec (31 Jan 2009)

...pointed heads...


----------



## kkwd (31 Jan 2009)

.... so the medic had to take the pliers to the blackened parts to pull them off. The pieces were kept in a jar on the major's desk which was made of cinder blocks and a piece of lumber. He intended to use the parts in ...


----------



## AirCanuck (31 Jan 2009)

...His son's grade 4 art project, which was destined to run amuck because...


ps



			
				kkwd said:
			
		

> .... dressed in  chainmail armour they bought on ebay. But is was so cold there were many cases of frostbite to their ....



does anyone else think that looks like a KKK  member in armour?


----------



## George Wallace (31 Jan 2009)

a bus load of schoolgirls started to unload from the emergency exit at the rear causing gusts of air to ...........................


----------



## Shec (31 Jan 2009)

scatter the dozens of beer bottle labels that had been collected for, but not yet affixed to, the montage...


----------



## kkwd (31 Jan 2009)

.... of the Regimental Colour, patterned after ....


----------



## George Wallace (2 Feb 2009)

the Campbell HunterTartan in the graphic novel by ..................


----------



## kkwd (2 Feb 2009)

... Festus MacKillMyBuddy, the only Scotsman ever to ....


----------



## George Wallace (2 Feb 2009)

dance the complete ...............


----------



## kkwd (2 Feb 2009)

.... outskirts of Glasgow while holding a ...


----------



## George Wallace (2 Feb 2009)

sporran over a haggis and the sacred portrait of ............................


----------



## kkwd (2 Feb 2009)

.... Saint McGiveItToMe, the patron saint of Scotsmen and ....


----------



## George Wallace (2 Feb 2009)

the French Tickler, a favourite of the ................


----------



## kkwd (2 Feb 2009)

.... entire population of Fantasia, the only people in the world who ...


----------



## Shec (2 Feb 2009)

...lost every game of silly bugger their army ever played...


----------



## George Wallace (2 Feb 2009)

but won the game of "Buck Buck" under the tutelage of ..................


----------



## Shec (2 Feb 2009)

...Baron Black of Crossharbour...


----------



## kkwd (2 Feb 2009)

.... who was usually looped on vodka and bog water. Once he even took a swig of ...


----------



## PMedMoe (2 Feb 2009)

......orange juice but got violently ill and declared it too healthy for.......


----------



## kkwd (2 Feb 2009)

.... now .... but ... mix it with vodka .... we might have something here ... I'll call it a ....


----------



## PMedMoe (2 Feb 2009)

......wrench.....no, a hammer......no, it's got to be some kind of.......


----------



## kkwd (2 Feb 2009)

.... tasty name .... a Boston cream pie!!! Now off to market it to ...


----------



## Shec (2 Feb 2009)

...the PMC of the Milice Jr. Ranks Club...


----------



## kkwd (2 Feb 2009)

.... who can be easily bribed with a rat skin hat and the skin off the top of custard, but trouble came in the form of ...


----------



## Shec (2 Feb 2009)

...the Labatt's 50 rep, who happened to be the major's cousin...


----------



## George Wallace (2 Feb 2009)

twice removed, on his significant other's side, married to his...........


----------



## PMedMoe (2 Feb 2009)

......wife's sister's son's ex-daughter-in-law, making him a good candidate for.........


----------



## kkwd (2 Feb 2009)

.... being the baby's daddy, but it was not as easy as that, something came out of the dark of night and ....


----------



## P-PLATOON (2 Feb 2009)

......it was a big, hairy, pig nosed rhino, which smelt like........


----------



## George Wallace (2 Feb 2009)

a rose by another name, but then lilies may ..................................


----------



## kkwd (2 Feb 2009)

.... be eaten with some sugar and whipped cream, the favourite dish of ...


----------



## P-PLATOON (2 Feb 2009)

... Ferdinand Magellan, who always liked to .......


----------



## kkwd (2 Feb 2009)

.... sit on his mate's lap and "navigate" ....


----------



## George Wallace (2 Feb 2009)

the south end of a northbound skunk, on its way to.......................


----------



## kkwd (2 Feb 2009)

.... the local mall for the opening of a new store called ...


----------



## George Wallace (2 Feb 2009)

Taffy - A Gooey Experience - Home of the..........................


----------



## kkwd (2 Feb 2009)

.... smartest hamster in the world, Sir Fuzzface, but his title is in danger from ...


----------



## P-PLATOON (2 Feb 2009)

....from a 10 foot tall Red Panda who was raised by monks in Tibet and they always taught him to......


----------



## George Wallace (2 Feb 2009)

chatter incessantly, chanting the.......................


----------



## kkwd (2 Feb 2009)

.... recipe for poutine and the full text of all the Rambo movies, after a ear pounding from all that racket ....


----------



## Shec (3 Feb 2009)

that was, wait for it now, the Milice RSM ordering the unit's precision drill team to...


----------



## 4Feathers (3 Feb 2009)

mark time while he......


----------



## The Bread Guy (3 Feb 2009)

...splashed anyone in the vicinity with water from the puddle he was in, thinking....


----------



## kkwd (3 Feb 2009)

.... last time I did this I got typhoid and had an awful rash on my ....


----------



## P-PLATOON (3 Feb 2009)

...bottom, it was so bad I had to see a Doctor, who told me ............


----------



## kkwd (3 Feb 2009)

.... next time this happens you will need an butt transplant. The only available donor butt was from ....


----------



## Shec (3 Feb 2009)

the local meat packing plant...


----------



## kkwd (3 Feb 2009)

.... from a long time employee known as "The Brain Basher", it was a bit ragged around the edges but it had an extra ....


----------



## George Wallace (3 Feb 2009)

cheek attached externally mounted to facilitate heat regulation of ....................


----------



## P-PLATOON (3 Feb 2009)

the main outtake valve, which had a history of blowing.......


----------



## kkwd (3 Feb 2009)

.... steam and undigested poutine onto ....


----------



## Shec (3 Feb 2009)

...the orderly room floor during OC's Orders Parade...


----------



## kkwd (3 Feb 2009)

.... held daily for the same soldat who is constantly caught with his hand in ....


----------



## George Wallace (3 Feb 2009)

perverbial cookie jar, in his case found in the back seat of a Clown car parked in..................


----------



## kkwd (3 Feb 2009)

... the compound section reserved for the major's staff car, but his wind up tin car was in the shop so ....


----------



## Shec (3 Feb 2009)

...presented the Transport Sgt. with a work ticket for...


----------



## kkwd (3 Feb 2009)

... a slightly dented tricycle actually used on the game show  MXC, the major's favourite show and inspiration for many Milice training exercises ....


----------



## geo (3 Feb 2009)

... but they hadn't submitted their request 48 hours in advance and...


----------



## kkwd (3 Feb 2009)

.... had to use training area number 13 located out behind the outhouse of the temporary camp of the Bean Eaters Association, it was not too bad until Big Jim came along and ....


----------



## Shec (3 Feb 2009)

...that triggered an Environmental Assessment...


----------



## kkwd (3 Feb 2009)

.... that cost $30 out of the regimental fund which resulted in a overdraft at the bank, the bank sent Vinnie around to collect by breaking ....


----------



## Shec (3 Feb 2009)

dependants' piggybanks...


----------



## kkwd (3 Feb 2009)

.... and checking all the seat cushions for loose change, the shortfall was made up with much interest added and ....


----------



## Shec (3 Feb 2009)

a lifetime assignment of any toys found in boxes of Cracker Jacks...


----------



## George Wallace (3 Feb 2009)

where I was issued my first drivers licence, which I luckily found in a store located on the corner of............


----------



## kkwd (3 Feb 2009)

.... Lollipop Lane and Beer Swiller Ave, in the ever popular downtown area of ....


----------



## George Wallace (3 Feb 2009)

Shubenacadie, Nova Scotia, hub of all that is glorious in the Region known as...................


----------



## Shec (3 Feb 2009)

Samshadow County...


----------



## kkwd (3 Feb 2009)

.... the land of myth and bottomless bottles of near beer along with ...


----------



## Shec (3 Feb 2009)

McCain frozen dulse, fiddlehead, & saltwater taffy pizza...


----------



## kkwd (3 Feb 2009)

.... and the antacid flows like water, meanwhile, those damn Zulus are getting restless again and they are ....


----------



## George Wallace (3 Feb 2009)

laughing and screaming "Matt Damian, Matt Damian, Matt Damian" all..........................


----------



## kkwd (3 Feb 2009)

.... all the while handing around Army.ca hats given to them as a gift by ....


----------



## Shec (3 Feb 2009)

by Mike to compensate them for their disappointment in discovering that the Challenge Coins are real and not the gold-foil wrapped chocolates in their regimental gum-ball machine...


----------



## kkwd (3 Feb 2009)

.... that only takes slugs instead of coins, the bug kind and not the metal ones. Now there is a rush on the slimy critters with fights breaking out resulting in much blood and snots on the floor. No Nose Larry the janitor loves the job security but he has a hard time with ....


----------



## Shec (3 Feb 2009)

the legacy of the nose job done by the infamous plastic surgeon Dr. Johnny Walker...


----------



## kkwd (3 Feb 2009)

... whose shaky hand has done plenty of damage but he has the ability of squeezing a tasty drink out of his ....


----------



## George Wallace (3 Feb 2009)

hollow leg, purchased under the counter at ..............................


----------



## kkwd (3 Feb 2009)

.... the Army.ca kit shop and pizzeria, one of the top sellers there is ....


----------



## George Wallace (3 Feb 2009)

crumpets and tea, while under the table can be found the real liquid elixir:   ....................................


----------



## kkwd (3 Feb 2009)

.... sweat from the headband of a 300 pound tennis player after an extended match in hot weather, but first it is strained through ....


----------



## George Wallace (3 Feb 2009)

black silk panties, size 3, a trophy from an weekend with.........................


----------



## kkwd (3 Feb 2009)

... Sandpaper Sally, the toast of ....


----------



## George Wallace (3 Feb 2009)

the Grenadier Guards who secretly built the Boat House at ................................


----------



## kkwd (3 Feb 2009)

.... Lake Wannagetsome, by coincidence also the regimental retreat of ....


----------



## George Wallace (3 Feb 2009)

little Lord Pommergranite's gang, the Worstchester Regiment, notorious for their victory on the Peninsula, several years after.........................


----------



## kkwd (3 Feb 2009)

.... their great defeat at the hands of the Purple Pimple Popper Gang at Westinghouse by General Electric, as a punishment they wear on their uniforms ....


----------



## George Wallace (3 Feb 2009)

a tri-colour lanyard, each colour representing Huey, Duey and Louie, for reasons only known by...................................


----------



## kkwd (3 Feb 2009)

.... the cook who accidentally baked the little devils during a particularly raucous drunk during the annual celebration of ....


----------



## George Wallace (3 Feb 2009)

the full moon, when real men gathered to drink schnapps and spackle their ceilings with quantities of .........................


----------



## kkwd (3 Feb 2009)

.... rancid mayo slathered on with sponges previously used by ....


----------



## George Wallace (3 Feb 2009)

bathe beauties at the spa, in the tall pines, by the hot springs, in the mountains, with the cool air and..........................


----------



## kkwd (3 Feb 2009)

.... and bears abounding tearing off heads and arms, the bear control team led by Ranger Smith and ....


----------



## George Wallace (3 Feb 2009)

Team Budweiser gathered specimens to...............................


----------



## kkwd (3 Feb 2009)

... take back to the lab to try to find a substitute for tainted peanut butter, surprisingly they discovered instead ....


----------



## George Wallace (3 Feb 2009)

Moo Goo Guy Pan works good as a glue when applied to........................


----------



## kkwd (3 Feb 2009)

... toupees and shoe soles, but if you go out in the rain ....


----------



## George Wallace (3 Feb 2009)

it turns to Won Ton Soup, a transformation bound to keep your appetite ..........................................


----------



## kkwd (3 Feb 2009)

.... in check unless you have the stomach of a hungry ....


----------



## George Wallace (3 Feb 2009)

bull moose in the middle of the rutting season, on the scent of a female...........................


----------



## kkwd (3 Feb 2009)

.... just leaving the local bar called The Dumpster, the specialty drink there being ...


----------



## Shec (4 Feb 2009)

...an exciting little Chardonnay mixed with Southern Comfort, Ouzo, and Mr. Clean called the...


----------



## rugami (4 Feb 2009)

...Golden Waterfall.  The name originating from the home of the same guy who............


----------



## kkwd (4 Feb 2009)

.... left his ground beef out in the sun one time for 3 days and then made  steak tartar that poisoned the entire ....


----------



## Shec (4 Feb 2009)

...Swiss Navy...


----------



## kkwd (4 Feb 2009)

.... and being ever enterprising he made Swiss steak out of the lot of them and served it to ....


----------



## Shec (4 Feb 2009)

the Executive Committee of the International Society For The Attainment Of Tomorrow Today...


----------



## kkwd (4 Feb 2009)

... a bunch of nut jobs with no leader, only a stuffed giraffe with a missing eye who ran the entire show. The giraffe lost his eye during a particularly savage discussion on what brand of toilet paper to use. It was ultimately settled when there was a wipe off in their 3 holer outhouse. Their sister organization ....


----------



## Shec (4 Feb 2009)

The Global Foundation For Spiritual Oneness & Psychic Harmony...


----------



## kkwd (4 Feb 2009)

.... meanwhile, back on the ranch, Skippy Befuddle and his loyal horse Spud started on a quest to find the legendary treasure of the ....


----------



## PMedMoe (4 Feb 2009)

.....pirates of Oak Island, whose leader was Captain Black Jack Sparrow, lost at sea while chasing....


----------



## kkwd (4 Feb 2009)

.... the moon, he never caught up to it but came so close once that he could taste cheese. Skippy's horse drowned going to Oak Island so there was a feast in his memory with him as the main course. Skippy found the treasure which consisted of 3 boxes of Ritz crackers and some suspect cream cheese. So well fed and rearing to go he headed to ....


----------



## Shec (4 Feb 2009)

Gopher Armpit for the long awaited final showdown with the Comic Book Kid at High Noon in the OK Corral...


----------



## kkwd (4 Feb 2009)

.... but he forgot to set his watch for daylight saving and was an hour early. He assumed nobody else would show and started to take random shots at ....


----------



## Shec (4 Feb 2009)

a Milice recruiting poster pasted to...


----------



## kkwd (4 Feb 2009)

.... the back of a old VW bus with 6 hippies and a bunch of half eaten pizza inside, turns out they were the major's family. Although all the hippies were shot several times they didn't complain at all being extremely weed whacked. After he ran out of ammunition he ....


----------



## rugami (5 Feb 2009)

...a one eyed snake.  the most feared of all sea serpents.  Which just so happens to be located in your...........


----------



## kkwd (5 Feb 2009)

.... imagination, enhanced by booze and early morning's before that first cup of coffee. After a trip to the ammo store Skippy was all set to head out on his next adventure. He flipped open an atlas and pointed his finger towards a random spot. It landed on Bribie Island, Australia. So off he headed on his new steed Liversnap.  It was a bit dicey crossing the Pacific by horse but he made it in record time. He met this character when he got there who was called ....


----------



## Shec (5 Feb 2009)

...Cobber Kangaroo, so named because he always had a couple of Foster's Lagers to share in his fanny pack...


----------



## kkwd (5 Feb 2009)

.... unfortunately the Foster's was tainted by kangaroo spit which gave it a taste akin to something I found after a dog ....


----------



## Shec (5 Feb 2009)

ambushed a postman...


----------



## kkwd (5 Feb 2009)

.... and tore a large section out of his pants, exposing his union card and ....


----------



## PMedMoe (5 Feb 2009)

.....a large purplish birthmark shaped like........


----------



## kkwd (5 Feb 2009)

.... an acorn, which was unfortunate as there were plenty of squirrels on his route and the exposure he suffered caused the rodents to run wild and try to eat it. But he escaped in the nick of time thanks to ...


----------



## Shec (5 Feb 2009)

the dog who, seeing the squirrels, decided to chase them instead.  Fortunately for the squirrels they were able to climb a nearby tree.  In the interval the postman, after ringing twice, was invited into the home of a desperate housewife who...


----------



## George Wallace (5 Feb 2009)

holding a laundry basket, asked him to grab the box of tide, located conveniently in the..........................


----------



## Shec (5 Feb 2009)

liquor cabinet...


----------



## kkwd (5 Feb 2009)

.... containing nothing but empty souvenir bottles of the last Milice training camp conducted in the area of ....


----------



## George Wallace (5 Feb 2009)

Wainghanistan, East of Edmonchuk, West of Saskabush, south of 60 and north of


----------



## PMedMoe (5 Feb 2009)

...everything else in the Western.......


----------



## kkwd (5 Feb 2009)

.... confines of Imagistan and Waltsville. It was the perfect spot where everybody loves you no matter what, but there was a fly in the ointment, Garbage Guts, the local village idiot came along and ...


----------



## Shec (5 Feb 2009)

having tripped over his knuckles & biting his tongue in the fall was rolling on the ground in front of the courthouse choking on his drool...


----------



## kkwd (5 Feb 2009)

... and losing his entire pocket lint collection, as he was picking it up a car came around the corner ....


----------



## Shec (5 Feb 2009)

...screeched to halt just in the nick of time.  The driver, Mrs. Nellie Nervous of 69 Oak St. ,  was so shaken...


----------



## kkwd (5 Feb 2009)

.... for the next week when she used the bathroom milk shakes came out, lucky for her a Rotten Ronnie's was near and they took them all. But all was not great, due to budgetary constraints Rotten Ronnie's could only trade for the shakes with ...


----------



## Shec (5 Feb 2009)

...napkins & a limited assortment of used condiment packets.  Fortunately these were in great demand for Milice ration packs and so the foundations of a thriving interprovincial trade were laid...


----------



## kkwd (5 Feb 2009)

.... run by Voyageurs with wheeled canoes and led by  Mr Canoehead. They did a booming side business in ....


----------



## George Wallace (5 Feb 2009)

physco analysis, and sadisitically posted a thread on army.ca called Word association (just for fun) to see how sick army guys really were and then write a thesis in the ..............


----------



## kkwd (5 Feb 2009)

.... Save a Dime community paper run by HalfWit Fred and his girlfriend ....


----------



## midget-boyd91 (5 Feb 2009)

...Joe...


----------



## George Wallace (5 Feb 2009)

Jo


----------



## midget-boyd91 (5 Feb 2009)

known most commonly as J.J the...


----------



## kkwd (5 Feb 2009)

.... dog faced woman, who happened to make loads of extra cash at the ....


----------



## George Wallace (5 Feb 2009)

Benson and Hedges Carnival, where Fred was the main..............


----------



## kkwd (5 Feb 2009)

... ashtray, but the sand he had to hold in his mouth gave him an awful rash that required a cream made of ...


----------



## geo (6 Feb 2009)

... goose fat - laced with bacon drippings - which was dilligently applied by......


----------



## kkwd (6 Feb 2009)

.... a ball-peen hammer wielded by the village smitty, one strike missed it's target and ...


----------



## geo (6 Feb 2009)

... his foot slipped, his zipper unzipped and out popped.....


----------



## kkwd (6 Feb 2009)

.... his lunch, consisting of unidentified road kill with his secret sauce made by ....


----------



## geo (6 Feb 2009)

... The Colonel.  It was finger lickin' .....


----------



## kkwd (6 Feb 2009)

.... extra stinkin' super freakin' sauce. That brand name wasn't selling too good so they just called it honey mustard. A dab of that on your food could make anything edible. Once we even tried it on ....


----------



## George Wallace (6 Feb 2009)

poutine, but she didn't like the feel of it, so we went with strawberry, oil and white whine vinegar and poured it on .........................


----------



## kkwd (6 Feb 2009)

.... his collection of Vachon cakes. It melted the cakes into a bubbling mass not unlike the IMP cherry dessert. It caused convulsions and slight brain damage but that was OK, he wasn't using his brain anyway. Having run out of foodstuffs he went to pick up ....


----------



## George Wallace (6 Feb 2009)

his kit for course; having been demoted to O/Cdt he was required to report to the Base Surgeon, before departing, for a minor medical procedure to.....................


----------



## kkwd (6 Feb 2009)

.... have his wallet removed from his back pocket. The operation was a success but during recovery he threw up an entire ....


----------



## George Wallace (6 Feb 2009)

collection of credit cards, and one coin to a Regiment that will remain nameless because he..........................


----------



## kkwd (6 Feb 2009)

.... was the 2ic of the Hairplug Insertion Section of that Regiment and there was a big racket when the CO went in for treatment and ended up with extra hair on his ...


----------



## George Wallace (6 Feb 2009)

toes due to the hydraulic action of the hot water in his shower, over many years, slowly forcing all his bodily hair southward towards his feet, leaving him..............................


----------



## kkwd (6 Feb 2009)

.... with the ability to walk barefoot in the snow. It was good for winter as there was severe shortage of mukluks. He also left tracks that were confused for ...


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## George Wallace (6 Feb 2009)

Munchkins, but with his map and compass in hand, he set out to show the world that he....................


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## kkwd (6 Feb 2009)

.... could indeed find his behind with both hands and the help of a Sgt, after this great discovery he headed over to Walmart with a handful of gift cards given him by grateful troops. Grateful only in having him gone for extended periods shopping for his favourite things which were ...


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## Shec (7 Feb 2009)

...handcrafted by the firm E. Jack Ulation & Sons Ltd., manufacturers of ...


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## kkwd (7 Feb 2009)

.... door knobs and head gaskets. On the way to the store he ran into a old friend who hit him up for the loan of a twenty. Our hero only had $15 so the friend said he could give him that amount and owe him the rest. As he crossed the street and car with blacked out windows came around the corner and screeched to a stop in front of him. Two guys in dark suits jumped out and commenced to ...


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## AirCanuck (7 Feb 2009)

... ask him if he'd heard the good word of our Lord ...


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## kkwd (7 Feb 2009)

.... Thunderthighs, the best wrestler ever to put a mask on and put a severe beating on ....


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## Shec (7 Feb 2009)

the holder of the world heavyweight belt, the Russian champion Igor Sukmeov...


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## kkwd (7 Feb 2009)

.... Soviet Hero First Class, awarded to him when he collected more potatoes for the communal rations than anybody else. After his thrashing he turned to another occupation which was ...


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## Shec (7 Feb 2009)

...advising the Spetznats unit the major decided to form after watching a late night re-run of Red Dawn...


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## kkwd (7 Feb 2009)

... but his VHS machine ate the tape so he pulled out his old  Laserdisc machine and put on a copy of  Aladdin. It gave him a great idea to start a magic section. As commander of this new section he named ...


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## Shec (7 Feb 2009)

his intellectual peer, Stu Pidass...


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## kkwd (7 Feb 2009)

.... so it was all set to go. He went to the magic shop to get the kit to outfit the new section. It was too expensive to get any of the good gear so they settled for one card trick that the entire section would have to share. While that was going on, somehow the major grasped the concept of concurrent activity, he held an inspection of the genuine fake Rambo knives. When he came to Soldat PeaBrain he was shocked by ....


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## Shec (7 Feb 2009)

Peabrain's conduct to the prejudice of good order and discipline in that he...


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## geo (7 Feb 2009)

....on the day of his birth, did conduct himself in.....


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## kkwd (7 Feb 2009)

... to the world, in a puddle of bodily fluids, and to this day, has been displaying like behaviour, in that he used the bathroom more than the regulated number of times a day. Guilty as charged, for punishment ....


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## Shec (8 Feb 2009)

30 days extra duties - picking fly droppings off peppercorns with boxing gloves...


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## kkwd (8 Feb 2009)

.... and putting them back into the flies they came from. The task wasn't finished in the allotted time so as extra punishment he was made to ....


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## Shec (8 Feb 2009)

...clean the greasetraps in the kitchen of the International House of Poutine which, owned by the major's cousin's uncle's sister-in-law's granddaughter's aunt's niece, held a Milice catering contract...


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## kkwd (8 Feb 2009)

.... to supply box lunches for all training. They were very popular with the troops and there was always a mad scramble for seconds. One particularly good batch caused a fight that lasted well into the next day. During this battle there was the loss of 3 eyes and a leg. After that the major kept all the extra box lunches for himself. This was not popular with the troops and resulted in a riot. A passing troop of Girl Guides saw the riot and stepped in and put an end to it. Once all the trouble had passed the troops headed out for some entertainment at ....


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## Shec (8 Feb 2009)

the Interprovincial All Star All Female  Roller Derby, Gouging, and HairPulling Tournament being conveniently held across the back alley from the General Hospital.  It was at this event that the aforementioned young Soldat Peabrain fell head over heals enchanted with the charming seductress  No-Teeth Nadine of the East End Elbow Smashers...


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## kkwd (8 Feb 2009)

.... Peabrain had a front row seat to all the action and really enjoyed being splashed by sweat and tobacco juice. He would save the fluids from his sweetie in a small bottle he wore around his neck. Every once in a while he would take it out and take a little drink. His section commander saw him do this and wanted some too. He took down about half of the swill and immediately passed out. This was Peabrain's chance, he went through the section commander's pockets for loose change. But all he found was pocket lint and the key to the section liquor cabinet. The cabinet contained only cheap wine and moldy pretzels. But surprisingly when mixed together make the regimental snack called ....


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## Shec (8 Feb 2009)

Purple Toejam, unless white wine was used in which case it was called Toejam Blanc...


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## kkwd (10 Feb 2009)

.... it was bottled in used urine sample bottles which gave it a special flavour somewhat akin to that taste you get when you ....


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## PMedMoe (10 Feb 2009)

...suck on a penny, you know that coppery taste, similar to the major's Mom's home-cooking which......


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## kkwd (10 Feb 2009)

.... relies heavily on spices to disguise the taste of very old roadkill. It helps to serve scalding drinks before the meal to deaden the taste buds as well. Her finest effort involved an unfortunate raccoon run over by the major himself in while riding his  Big Wheel last week. It is in the shop right now getting the guts pulled out of the innards so he makes do with ...


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## Shec (10 Feb 2009)

an expired bus pass he found in...


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## kkwd (10 Feb 2009)

.... the pocket of a pair of jeans he fished out of the river by the sewer outlet. The only problem was they were being worn at the time by ....


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## Shec (10 Feb 2009)

recently promoted Caporal Scuzzball who, as a wannabe biker during his off-duty hours, ran afoul of the notorious Hell's Angel Mom Boucher...


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## kkwd (10 Feb 2009)

.... by swiping the club mascot and selling it to a rival gang called The Southsouthwestern GPS Masters. They in turn put it on ebay where it was sold to ....


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## Shec (11 Feb 2009)

Prince Walter Mitty's Own Light Fusiliers (Air Assault) Regimental Association...


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## kkwd (11 Feb 2009)

.... the ranks of which are filled with blow up dolls and stick figures drawn on the wall in chalk. The commander of the regiment, a former inmate of an insane asylum, spends his spare time ....


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## Shec (11 Feb 2009)

...confiding his innermost deep, meaningful, secrets with his pet marble Rolly until one day, just totally frustrated with it all, he...


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## kkwd (11 Feb 2009)

.... stuffed it up his nose and to this day he whistles while he breathes. But there were financial troubles in the regiment. They had to sell their treasured collection of  William Shatner vinyl records. Having made $1.99 from that sale, minus postage, they had a unit smoker where a great tragedy occurred. Pte Inflateapotamus received a cigarette burn that caused his head to deflate. Despite the best efforts of Cpl Needleus, the medic, Pte Inflateapotamus passed away. The funeral was attended by all members of the regiment. That is where another tragedy occurred. It was a wet and windy day causing many members to be blown away and washed off the wall. It was a devastating day for the regiment and forever will be know as ....


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## Shec (12 Feb 2009)

The Day Something Terrible Happened.   This solemn occasion, commemorated in the annals of the Regiment, figures on the annual calendar with a parade at the Wall of Shame...


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## kkwd (12 Feb 2009)

.... which is located on back of the "Dumpster Of Zeroes", the ceremony starts with ....


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## Shec (13 Feb 2009)

the bugler, Sgt. Chappedlips, blowing the Deserted Post.  Then after a Big Mac with fries is laid at the foot of the Wall by Col. Mitty himself the piper, Cpl. Lungcapacity, plays Weeds of the Septicfield.   The Regiment following its colours and lead by its Corps of Bums then passes in review on its way to...


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## kkwd (15 Feb 2009)

.... Craptastic Hall, the regimental eatery. After the traditional meal of beans and pork a fart-off was held. Pte Poopypants, last years champ, was disqualified when his fart had bones in it. Cpl Gassy took the title with a musical rendition of the regimental march past called "We Believe If Nobody Else Does" and was awarded the Mitty Trophy along with some coupons to Tim Horton's that expired in 1998. The Italian exchange soldier to the regiment, Caporalmaggiore capo scelto Farticus, gave the contest a heroic effort but the end result was unexpected. He knocked over the RSM's wife and set her hair on fire when the cigarette she was smoking caused his fart to explode in a bright orange ball. After a good time at the eatery all members headed over to the river to swim in the warm waters of the outlet pipe of the nuclear power plant. This plant was purchased as surplus from the Chernobyl area. After a refreshing dip all the troops headed home. 

Meanwhile, back on the ranch, the major called an emergency muster parade of the troops to get ready for their next operation, the take over of the local pirate bar, the ARRRGH. It was required to plan further operations since it had ....


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## Shec (15 Feb 2009)

required that most audacious, bold, and risky military operation, the night airborne amphibious direct frontal assault against a well fortified position.  To train for the attack  the Operations Officer, Capt.  Doofus, drafted a training syllabus that revolved around an all ranks viewng of the films Delta Force, Navy Seals, and McHale's Navy Joins The Airforce.    The essence of the plan consisted of a poutine tanker breaking down in front of the ARRRGH to attract the pirates' attention.  With the pirates swarming all over the tanker the assault force would rappel down from the roof and rush the undefended entrance to the bar.  However...


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## kkwd (16 Feb 2009)

... the pirates had advance warning of the clever plan due to a spy in the ranks of the Milice. It was Sgt Greasemypalmski. He continued a fine family tradition of snitching and selling out to the enemy going back to ancient times. One of his ancestors even sold his soul for a Lipton cup of soup packet and a woolly hat. The major found out about the betrayal and had the offender lashed to a toboggan and dragged before the troops where he was pelted with ham omelets and moldy raisins. They then put him in a  powder blue polyester disco suit from the major's personal collection and sent him over to ...


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## Shec (16 Feb 2009)

Camp Y, the Milice detention facility where the Intelligence Officer, Capt. Pinhead, interrogated him to determine exactly how much and what he had divulged.  the legally questionable and very controversial technique of poutine deprivation was used to extract information.  This attracted the attention of the civil rights community who, led by Artery Cloggers International, determined that this was a cruel and unusual punishment and a blatant violation of human rights...


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## kkwd (17 Feb 2009)

... but when the huge donation of cash and used clothing wasn't given to them they decided not to take the case. Poor old Greasemypalmski then was drummed out of the unit in the special ceremony reserved for the lowest of the low. They took him up to Mount Kee-rist-its-cold and stripped him down to his issue ninja turtles underwear. They danced around him in ever decreasing circles until they reached him. Then they pulled out their genuine imitation Rambo knives and waved them around. Big mistake. It resulted in the loss of many fingers, one arm and a bag of ripple chips. Seeing his chance Greasemypalmski grabbed the loose arm and used it as a sled and rode down the side of the mountain. During the ride down he came up with a clever plan, he was going to create his own unit. But it all came to a tragic end when he wasn't paying attention and slammed into a cow grazing. There were guts everywhere but only Greasemypalmski, the cow was unharmed. The authorities came by to pick up the pieces but didn't get everything, they left a foot buried in a cow flop. A school janitor with a side hobby of cloning came by and discovered the foot and was elated. He took it back to his lab in the basement of the school. He toiled hard on the task at hand. About 20 minutes later he had a half size clone of Greasemypalmski. But he couldn't understand why the clone was mooing and wanting to be milked. Then the clone broke loose from the lab and ran amok in the town. He was caught by a family on the edge of town that needed the milk so they penned him up and got to work. Meanwhile, back on the top of Mount Kee-rist-its-cold ...


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## Shec (17 Feb 2009)

the Milice established a mountain warfare school to prepare for it's next offensive, the invasion of Estevan Saskatchewan.  But, back in the Regimental Map Room the Intelligence Sgt., Sgt. WTF Isthis, discovered that there wasn't a mountain within 500 miles of the place. However, so feared was the major by his troops that, as brave as the Sgt. was , he could not muster the courage to point this out.   So off to Mountain Equipment Co-op went the QM, Capt. Max Edoutvisa, to procure the necessary kit for alpine operations anyway.   When he got to the cash...


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## Lil_T (19 Feb 2009)

...none of his cards were accepted, so he had to resort to paying with loose change.  Falling short he did the only thing he could think to do...


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## kkwd (19 Feb 2009)

.... he gathered up the almighty and sacred collection of empty Labatt 50 bottles. He took them to the store to cash them in but got kicked out because they were stubbies. He then got a brilliant idea, he searched the streets for cigarette butts. He got enough tobacco to assemble several cartons of smokes and sold them to kids over by the school. Having the funds now he headed to the store to pick out the necessary equipment. Not having a clue, being a Milice officer and all, he wasted all the cash on  used handwarmers and water purification tablets, having thought the latter were emergency rations. Next time, says the major, we will send someone who can read. So under equipped and untrained and totally confused, like usual, they headed to the LOD ("Location Of Dem" in the Milice handbook) but ran into a traveling carnival and got totally distracted by the shiny lights and whizzing rides. While the major was on the spinning tea cup he hatched a clever plan ....


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## Shec (19 Feb 2009)

and that was to comp. all midway patrons with a free ride on the El Puko.  At the ride's mid-point Milice troops would gather up all the loose change that had fallen from the upside down riders' pockets and with the proceeds replenish the Regimental Fund...


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## kkwd (19 Feb 2009)

... which was a fund in name only as it went directly into the major's vacation home in Bermuda. The only problem he had was getting there. He ruined 3  Yugos trying to drive there. He decided to order Sgt Hammerhead from the pioneer platoon to build a causeway to the island. Several members of the platoon drowned during this endeavor when the Sgt ordered them out to see how deep the water was and they forgot to stop when it got over their heads. While recovering the bodies Sgt Hammerhead discovered an ancient wreck of a New York garbage barge. In this wreck he found many fine treasures including ....


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## Shec (19 Feb 2009)

a couple of crates of Soylent Green organic snack crackers.   While  "Best Before" date had long since expired he turned over this gourmet find to the Mess Sgt., Sgt.  Ptomaine, who  served them  roasted and smothered with ketchup and melted marshmallows to the men for dinner that very night, which happened to be the evening of the annual all-ranks mess dinner commemorating...


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## kkwd (20 Feb 2009)

... the great victory at Kitchiecoo Corners, an enemy victory of course. But that is the only battle they participated in where all the troops didn't run away screaming. The dinner starts with the traditional punching out of the oldest corporal by the youngest private. This year a new thing was tried in which a kiddie pool was filled with cream puffs and the  Interpretive Dance Section, led by Sgt Leo Tard, danced around in it. The resulting mush was scooped up and served to the troops. It was a great hit with everybody but especially the guy who found the toenail in his as he gets a special prize. The dinner went well except for one guy choking on ....


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## armyvern (20 Feb 2009)

chicken at the Beaverspiel who caused ...


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## kkwd (20 Feb 2009)

.... a chain reaction of puking that continued well into the night. With sore stomachs and bad tastes in their mouths they slipped and slid around in the slimy puke. But all that did not go to waste, the RQ, being the enterprising type, collected up the puke and put it into bottles. He put the bottles in the regimental kit shop to be sold for 50 cents each. Meanwhile, back on the ranch, our bus load of Zulus were getting very thin as we haven't fed them since about reply number 300. They were looking very hard at the driver and were about to go through his pockets for loose peanuts and Lifesavers. But all of a sudden, in through the window crashed our uber hero ....


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## Shec (21 Feb 2009)

L/Pte. Wayne, John Duke, who while commanding a flying tiger demonstrated true grit leading the flying leathernecks over the sands of Iwo Jima wearing a green beret for the fighting seabees as they escorted a stagecoach  across the Rio Grande and the Red River to Fort Apache so that she could wear a yellow ribbon on the longest day...


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## kkwd (21 Feb 2009)

.... panting like a dog after that long winded introduction he was useless and got his ass kicked by the Zulus. They took his cape and dumped him off at Milice HQ. Oh, says the major, another fine performance by one of the troops. It's time to have a training exercise to see if we can improve the ratio of victories to ass kicking. He named the exercise "Beat It". But wouldn't you know it, Michael Jackson got wind of it and wanted to collect some royalties. Maybe after he collects his cash he won't have to auction off all his stuff in April. But he didn't know who he was dealing with, our superninjasniperwannabes are not just your run of the mill dumb guys, they are special. The short bus was invented for them. So when the gloved one showed up to collect some money the Super Secret Anti Everybody Section sprung into action. Their section commander, Sgt Crotchrot, had a hole dug in front of the door to the HQ. But never underestimate Mr. Jackson, he just slid across the void with his classic moonwalk. Seeing this, the section 2ic, Mcpl Buttsweat, threw himself towards Jackson, of course he missed and ended up in the hole. While rescuing him the remainder of the section ....


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## Shec (22 Feb 2009)

forgetting such things as ladders, grappling hooks, ropes, and even leaving one of there number topside jumped into the hole after their leader.  While this speaks volumes about their "Follow Me" ethic  it says little else that merits praise.  Fortunately they all had their genuine fake rambo knives with them which happens to have an entrenching tool attachment.   And so, upon assessing the tactical situation, they...


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## Kat Stevens (22 Feb 2009)

decided that life was pointless, and launched a full nuclear release, vapourising the earth and bringing this godawful thread to an end.


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## Teeps74 (23 Feb 2009)

Then I clap my hands... Why stop here? "Let there be light!", with that, a great brightness filled the void, and from this sprung a great ball of dust...


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## armyvern (23 Feb 2009)

which was found by the DS during inspection under the bed of one Teeps74; he had been framed by his buddies with the most gigantic dust bunny in history due to his insistance on resurrecting this thread. Damn narricist.    And Gawd said, "let that be a lesson to you all."


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