# What to do- Avor's Journey



## Avor (21 Jun 2008)

I joined the army a year of and half ago, with hopes to be in Afan ASAP.

But durig basic I had a alot of back pain, It was very hard, but I passed, barely. I went forward, but things went to crap on BIQ. Luckly the Sargent Majour got pissed off with me and ordered me to MIR, where I was diagnosed with cancer _*in*_ the spine. Sugery was done in Sept 07. But here I am, months later, with no rehabilitation what so ever, and so crippled I can barely walk.

My problems are mine, as in what do with my crippled ***. But what don't know is what to do when one of the guys I was on basic with end up dead on CTV. I know it's going happen, most of them are going over sept 08, PPCLI. I  know I will be eating in the mess in Wainwright one day and I will see one of their faces one the news, dead in Afghanistan. And I won't know how to deal with it, how I wasn't there for them. Please, what do I do?



those of you who know me, PTE McCuauley, BMQ 0059E I am so ******* sorry I let you all down, please forgive me.


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## Bruce Monkhouse (21 Jun 2008)

When one has legitimate medical issues they haven't let anyone down.....


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## Kat Stevens (21 Jun 2008)

It was CANCER, man, not faking a sprained ankle to get out of a ruck march.  You have nothing to apologize for.


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## lone bugler (21 Jun 2008)

Hopefully you will fight another day (unless world peace happens which in my opinion is never). Remember the first thing about being a good soldier is to follow your orders. If Rick wants to send your buddies over and not you because of this tragedy, you did exactly as your told so I hardly think anyone would be mad at you. Second of all I'm cocerned for your condition right now, hope you get better soon and able to return to active duty (if you already did, good for you :warstory


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## medaid (21 Jun 2008)

Mate, go to your MIR again. Ask for physio. They should know about your condition, and frankly I am more then a little surprised that a follow up has not occured. Regardless you should not feel like you've let anyone down, you were precluded from being with your mates due to circumstances beyond your control. So guess what? ORDERS.

Situation: You're currently unable to deploy or advance due to illness.

Mission: Get yourself better then attempt again your career courses and eventually overseas.

Your commander's intent is for you to get better and this I'm sure is at all levels. 

Execution: You WILL take charge of your own recovery by seeking aide from MIR or any other medical professional refered to you by the MIR. Follow their guidance and get better.

Groupings and Taskings: you, your family and your mates will allpitch in to your recovery, with you being the driving force. 

Command and Signals: Take command of your recovery, listen to the advice and guidance of your medical professionals and those within your CoC.

End State: When you've gotten better.

Now, I'm sure my Orders format is all over the place, but you get the idea.

Best of luck on your recovery.


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## PanaEng (28 Jul 2008)

First off, POSITIVE attitude dude!
for both your recovery and for your mates. The likelihood of any of your course mates dying in battle is low - but, as often happens, one or two can get stupid and drink and drive/or drive dangerously and get killed in a road accident. Happened too many times in Petawawa when I was there. Our RSM in 2CER - Mr. Duguid - used to get pretty pissed off - "that's no way for a soldier to die" he used to say.

get well soon, have patience and persevere so that you can finish your trg asap.

cheers,
Frank

Chimo!


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## Avor (25 Aug 2008)

Bit of an update.

Things whent to shit.. The medical plan was to get my care transfered out to BC, to be out with family and stuff while undergoing radiation and rehab. But I fell  ewtween the cacks. I didn't complain at first, becuase ut meant  they sent me home of sick leave. Free money and BC sun eh? But me back pain and problemsgot wrose and worse. I eventualy went to the Esquimmalkt MIR where they gave me meds and started to learn about the crack I was lost in. Once they knew what was going on hthey started to sent me to physio ad reffereal to cancer doctors, But tthings wnet to crap. I had a hard rime just walking. Things got worse, I had to go to tehe emergency room. I could not walk or see at all. I was on moorhinr trip for nearly 2 weeks as tehy  tried to sort mme out. 

Anntwwways, about 2 weeks ago they took me down vic, and they are doing radiation five times a week. I can a bit on my own a bit, I am seeing just not so well, but I a peeing into a cathader still, and my hair is falling out.


Now the the thing that is realyy bothering me is that my assiting offiver has told me that I am going to be badged. An honaurary things toshow that I;m still part of the famility. Tribute to that  infantry is what I signed up for, still want to do, but cannnot. And well, it just doesn;t feel right,, to Adrian Clarkson co me donee, pin  a badge my hat, the same badge that others work for, and more im portantly, wear overseas.
 I want that cap badge, bit this is not thee way I wanted to get it. Laying down, blad, and weak.. There is nothing I can do but accept it, hopeing that I come out of this cancere bullshiht alrighgt enough chance to earn it the way I want. At the very least, I joined the CF as a caareer, I may noy be able to serve asa infantry, but there has to be something I can do.


Sorry in advance that I may noy reply to PM and some replies, my vision is only coming back, Itt's hard for me to see much of anything. Please keepreplies short orin larger font.


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## Koenigsegg (25 Aug 2008)

You are going through one of the hardest fights anyone can possibly encounter.
Don't feel bad, and I'm sure that any one of your BMQ mates would throw their support behind you 100%.  No one is looking down on you.  On top of that, inspite of your ailment, you haven't given up on the military, and never want to.  You may not feel that deserves acknowledgement, but it does.  Real dedication it seems.


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## Loachman (25 Aug 2008)

Avor said:
			
		

> Now the the thing that is realyy bothering me is that my assiting offiver has told me that I am going to be badged.



Somebody considers you worthy of the badge. If they didn't, you would not be receiving it. Accept that, and accept the badge with pride for what you have accomplished so far, despite your illness.

Use it as a source of inspiration. You are facing a long and hard battle, and keeping your goal in sight can help you in that. The badge can be a visible reminder to aid you.

Stay in touch with your coursemates. They are probably as much worried for you as you are for them.

And keep posting here. You've now got thousands of site members awaiting reports of your progress and recovery.

Good luck.


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## Rodahn (25 Aug 2008)

I'm here in Victoria, if there is anything that you need that you can't get due to family being farther away, just give me a holler via PM.

In the mean time, get well and join your extended family as soon as you can. Take care.


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## daftandbarmy (25 Aug 2008)

Avor said:
			
		

> Now the the thing that is realyy bothering me is that my assiting offiver has told me that I am going to be badged. An honaurary things toshow that I;m still part of the famility. Tribute to that  infantry is what I signed up for, still want to do, but cannnot. And well, it just doesn;t feel right,, to Adrian Clarkson co me donee, pin  a badge my hat, the same badge that others work for, and more im portantly, wear overseas.



You'll know that you've really made it when they send you a mess bill  ;D

Stop bitching, take the badge, dig in, fix bay'nets, get better, soldier on. We need people like you.


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## Avor (26 Aug 2008)

Thank uou everybody, but I don't think is will ever feel  truely right to me. To me, canacer is soemthing that befalls you, a deseasae, illness, something that makes you a victim. Soldiers are nit victims, that is what makes soldiers, they willingly put themselves in danger for something more than themselves.



			
				Rodahn said:
			
		

> I'm here in Victoria, if there is anything that you need that you can't get due to family being farther away, just give me a holler via PM.
> 
> In the mean time, get well and join your extended family as soon as you can. Take care.



Thank you, but the army is looking after things good. My parents are just up in Duncan, so the army put them up in a hotel here in Victoria. My mom and dad have been with me almost 24/7. The army hasa done some other good things, like the mini fridge, tapes, and covering the cable bill. Aslo when I am up and going, but sill have to continue radiation, they want to put us up on base. I will be able to go to the hosptital every day as needed, nut be able to live in vic on base.  People are right when the they say the army looks out for you when your in hospital.


Also, the badgeing will be done by Brigadier General Gollner, Adrian Clarkson turned out to be busy.


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## George Wallace (26 Aug 2008)

Keep your spirits up.

Cancer knows no bounds.  We all know colleagues who have had cancer.  Some have been terminal.  There are some on this site who have fought Cancer and won.  

You are not alone out there.


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## Mike Baker (26 Aug 2008)

There is nothing to be sorry about man, nothing. 

Yes shit happens, and this is really shitty. But, you can pull through it.


If you ever want to talk, we are all here for you. Always.

-Deadpan


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## Avor (1 Sep 2008)

Well, some pics from yesterday.












Alot of o big(rank) people. I guess I didn't fully realise that this i accauly makeing me a real par of the regiment. I first thought of this as just an honoury thing, to show I'm still part of the family. But it looks like more than that. Once I'm medicaly sorted out I now go to Edmonton, I may never be fit for combat, but I'm sure there is work in garrison.


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## Strike (1 Sep 2008)

Avor,

You are an inspiration to us.  Always remember that.  The fact that you made it through basic with your condition is proof positive.  The fact that you are now badged is a testament to how much the Regiment also admires and respects you.  Keep up the fight, get better, get healthy.  You are certainly the type of person the CF needs...someone who is not afraid to take on a challenge.  Just because it's not on the battlefield doesn't lessen its importance.  Some of the hardest battles we fight are at home.


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## armyvern (1 Sep 2008)

Avor said:
			
		

> Well, some pics from yesterday.
> 
> Alot of o big(rank) people. I guess I didn't fully realise that this i accauly makeing me a real par of the regiment. I first thought of this as just an honoury thing, to show I'm still part of the family. But it looks like more than that. Once I'm medicaly sorted out I now go to Edmonton, I may never be fit for combat, but I'm sure there is work in garrison.



Bud, 
I don't know how I managed to only come accross this thread right now, but am enlarging the font so you can see it well. You look HOT!! here's a pic of me from a decade ago (and I damn well looked hot too!!):






Chin up. We are your family. And if you ever need a thing, to talk, to chat, to rant, to rave, to cry, to laugh ... send me a PM and I'll give you _whatever_ you need. You're certainly not a victim, rather you are a soldier ... we always fight with the damn best of them too.

Strength to you. 

Veronica


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## Strike (1 Sep 2008)

ArmyVern said:
			
		

> Bud,
> ... send me a PM and I'll give you _whatever_ you need...



Careful...she means it.   ;D


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## medaid (1 Sep 2008)

Avor,

   Soldier on mate. Soldier on.


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## Redeye (1 Sep 2008)

Reading things like this really are a great reminder of how great it is to be a part of this huge family and to know that those who deserve it get looked after...  Keep up the fight and know there's a hell of a lot of people pulling for you.


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## kabogadil (4 Sep 2008)

Get well bro!


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## Avor (6 Sep 2008)

Medical update, moday they took out the cathader. Things were ok, I was peeing okish, but then I started to get crazy ammounts of pain in my hips and legs. Then I wasn't able to drain my bladder. So they did and urine tests, put the cathader back in, and it turns out I have some kind of urinary track infection. The only possitive to the whole thing is that it is best treated by pill, thats good because I hate needles and pills can be done from home. I have the option to try going with out the cathader, but with the infection I dont know if I should. I feel where things are irritated inside me, maybe I should wait a day or talk to the doctor.

Dinner walked in, more latter.


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## aesop081 (6 Sep 2008)

Hang in there Avor, we're all behind ya.


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## Kruggle (6 Sep 2008)

Keep on fighting. We are all looking forward to your updates!


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## Avor (6 Sep 2008)

The military has been great, on Tuesday they put my parenys up in a PMQ on base instead of paying for a hotel. Its really nice not to my parents commuting uo and down the Island, my dad  works in vic and my mom is here everyday. Also, once I am able I do not have to stay at the hospital, I will only have to come in for radiation. So its best I stay in vic, compared to driving Duncan and back everyday.

The downer that has me annoyed is that all the radiation has fried my taste buds. I honestly can't taste the difference between milk and chocolate milk. Eating chocolate has no flavour, fruit is tasteless and dry, and most candies bland. Only the strongest things I can taste at all, like some meat, sausage rolls, cheeese. Its depressing, exspecting comfort food and getting bland, tasteless nothing.

Kruggle , im not that blind anymore, I can do normmal font for the most part.


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## kabogadil (7 Sep 2008)

Yea bro keep fighting! Lookin forward to know that you are well and getting better everyday!


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## TN2IC (7 Sep 2008)

Pro Patria! We are all behind you.


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## AlphaQup (7 Sep 2008)

Keep it up bro, you're doing awesome!

By the way, chocolate milk is overrated.  ;D


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## Donaill (7 Sep 2008)

Stay strong and best wishes.


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## daftandbarmy (8 Sep 2008)

Avor said:
			
		

> The downer that has me annoyed is that all the radiation has fried my taste buds. I honestly can't taste the difference between milk and chocolate milk. Eating chocolate has no flavour, fruit is tasteless and dry, and most candies bland. Only the strongest things I can taste at all, like some meat, sausage rolls, cheeese. Its depressing, exspecting comfort food and getting bland, tasteless nothing.



Good Lord man, don't tell them that or they'll redirect all the 'cabbage roll' IMPs your way!  See if they'll let you jump start those taste buds with some Laphroig single malt. 

Give 'er.

D&B


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## GUNS (8 Sep 2008)

Avor,

I can relate to your medical condition, you know the old saying, " been there, done that ". I am a cancer patient and I know your misery. Its damn hard on a person. I had to endure chemo and radiation and to tell the truth, on many occasions I had wished I would die. My cancer was in my stomach, liver and spine.

What kept me going through all this was my family and my military training. I can vaguely remember during my drug induced haze and at the height of my treatment and the lowest point of my life .My brothers constantly telling me that soldiers don't quit. They knew I loved the military so much and still do.  " The man could leave the military but the military never leaves the man". 

You correct about the taste buds, food sucks during treatment. 

Avor, you have the right attitude to win this and you have a family, both your own and your military family, to be at your side. I will survive this as you will. As my brother's keep telling me, " soldiers don't quit".  

As for me, the cancer in my stomach is gone, the liver has a very small spot remaining but the Dr's are not worried because it is not growing. My spine was OK until my last check up. There is a spot there that the Dr's have to check out. I'm not worried its most likely just scar tissue.

Thoughts and prayers will always be with you.


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## BernDawg (8 Sep 2008)

Stay strong and get well.  My family is dealing with the big C too so we know the pain your going through.  That was a pretty distinguished group that presented your cap badge.  Wear it with pride.


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## deedster (9 Sep 2008)

Avor
I wish you all the best.  
You really are an inspiration and we are all behind you.
Keep up the fight!


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## Avor (9 Sep 2008)

Thankyou everybody for the kind words and supportl

They took the cathader out on Sunday, the same day I was able to go home for a little while. The idea ids not to need to be in the hospital, I could be out tommorow, living on base for the rest of my treatment. Spraking of radiation today was the of the first treatment plan. There is now a week of some kind of "booster". I don't know exactly what it is, I think it's heavier radiatuin, but more area focused, lower spine as opposed to entire spine and skull. Skull wise, I am loseing my beard, its so thin and sad now. The realy good news out that is I have far more hair in my pants, its great knowing that I woun't be totaly sterile.

Anyways, the plan

- get out of hospital
- 5-6 more radiation treatments, stay on base
- go home and recouver, wait for sight and tase to return.

GUNS- wow, you make my cancer look like nothing. Well, mine would be if they didn'y lose me in the cracks, but you had kemo, that's a whole different ballgame. Good luck with that next check up



			
				BernDawg said:
			
		

> Stay strong and get well.  My family is dealing with the big C too so we know the pain your going through.  That was a pretty distinguished group that presented your cap badge.  Wear it with pride.



Sure was, two Generals and a Colonel. It looks like it takes alot of rank to say somebody is allowed in the regiment.



			
				daftandbarmy said:
			
		

> Good Lord man, don't tell them that or they'll redirect all the 'cabbage roll' IMPs your way!  See if they'll let you jump start those taste buds with some Laphroig single malt.
> 
> Give 'er.
> 
> D&B



I've been living off of safe way sausage rolls. Sooo good, one of the few things that still has some tase, and a reliefe from hospital food. But with the drugs,, I think it wuld be flat out dangerous to drink. Im already half blind and can barely balance as it is. 



			
				AlphaQup said:
			
		

> Keep it up bro, you're doing awesome!
> 
> By the way, chocolate milk is overrated.  ;D



 Im a chocaholic, I need chocolate to live.


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## Old Sweat (9 Sep 2008)

Im a chocaholic, I need chocolate to live.  

Soldier, whatever you need to live, you were born with a ton of it. 

Keep fighting, we're all with you.

Brian


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## Avor (9 Sep 2008)

Old Sweat said:
			
		

> Soldier, whatever you need to live, you were born with a ton of it.



It's called duty, and no soldier, or even citizen, should ever find themselves short on it.


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## Avor (11 Sep 2008)

I'm getting out today, radiation in 15 miniutes and then I go live on base fot a few days. The weekend I get to go home, then its only 2 or so treatments before Im home for good.

Almost over, then I can finnaly begin to recouver.


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## aesop081 (11 Sep 2008)

Avor said:
			
		

> I'm getting out today, radiation in 15 miniutes and then I go live on base fot a few days. The weekend I get to go home, then its only 2 or so treatments before Im home for good.
> 
> Almost over, then I can finnaly begin to recouver.



That definately sounds like good news....keep it up buddy.


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## kabogadil (11 Sep 2008)

hey man awesome! I'm excited for you to get back.  :warstory:


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## Kat Stevens (11 Sep 2008)

Excellent, keep up the fighting spirit, and don't rush the recovery, the army will still be here when you're at 100%.


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## GUNS (11 Sep 2008)

Good news to hear. You will be up and about in no time.


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## daftandbarmy (11 Sep 2008)

Avor said:
			
		

> I'm getting out today, radiation in 15 miniutes and then I go live on base fot a few days. The weekend I get to go home, then its only 2 or so treatments before Im home for good.
> 
> Almost over, then I can finnaly begin to recouver.



Huzzah! Don't let anyone catch you at the Carleton Club


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## Avor (11 Sep 2008)

Holy fuck, the booster radiation is intense. The normal treatment was 6 mv, the 4 more booster treatments will be at 18 mv, the highest power the machine is allowed to be operated at. I thought I felt drained before, this is like how you would feel after a week long field ex, just drained

But one day of living on base, then home. We could stay in victoria, but home is worth a few days of commuuteing. I miss my cat..

There is a legal side. My condition was made so bad because I fell between the cracks in the medicl system, I am going to have it looked into if I have legal ground. A few people and Drs. say I do. Im going to investigate this, talk with VAC about legal assistance. Im not after a cash grab, but I feel wronged for my needless pain, if I have a case good, if not, oh well. I'm smart and have plans, so that whatever happens money is not going to be a worryy. 

But what I cannot plan is how well or fast I will recouver, thus what my future in the CF is. Will my eyrs be shot for life? Will I work as PPCLI doing garrison work? Or will I be medicaly transfered, ending up as a clerk, driver, or some kind of navy job? I hate not knowing, because it stops me from planning.


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## TN2IC (11 Sep 2008)

Avor said:
			
		

> But what I cannot plan is how well or fast I will recouver, thus what my future in the CF is. Will my eyrs be shot for life? Will I work as PPCLI doing garrison work? Or will I be medicaly transfered, ending up as a clerk, driver, or some kind of navy job? I hate not knowing, because it stops me from planning.



Hey now... I'm a driver. The trade is pretty sweet deal, but I'm sure all trades have their little sweet spots too. Being a driver (MSE Op) isn't the end of world. At lease all the places I drove, I haven't found the end of the world. Just remember to keep it all positive. We're all with you. 

BTW.. do you know how to double clutch?


 ;D


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## Avor (11 Sep 2008)

Sgt  Schultz said:
			
		

> Hey now... I'm a driver. The trade is pretty sweet deal, but I'm sure all trades have their little sweet spots too. Being a driver (MSE Op) isn't the end of world. At lease all the places I drove, I haven't found the end of the world. Just remember to keep it all positive. We're all with you.
> 
> BTW.. do you know how to double clutch?
> 
> ...



Nothing wrong with MSE, just not the job I signed up for. And honestly, I see MSE as a mixed opertunity. If I can't be infantry, its a good way to get action overseas, but then again you could be stuck on the wainwright-edmonton med-run everyday.

Yes I can double clutch.


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## GUNS (11 Sep 2008)

Avor,
One day at a time, don't ponder your future or what it may entail, until you complete the treatments.

I went through the same treatment " booster radiation" I believe you called it. It worked for me ( removed all the cancer on my lower spine). 

You will feel very tired after each treatment and when your body tells you to rest, REST. It took me two weeks after my last treatment to start on the road to recovery.

Your recovery will depend on how long your treatments are. My treatments were quite long but I survived it.

Keep smiling soldier and all this will be nothing but beer talk at the mess.


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## Avor (13 Sep 2008)

I hear what your saying. Im home on the couch, but its going to be a while untill I really start to feel better. I guess I woun't untill last treatment is over wensday. 

Im just sick of feeling sick.


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## Teflon (13 Sep 2008)

Consentrate on your recovery friend and then you can plan for post recovery once you are on your way back to fit. You've come this far and you don't seem the type to back off so put your efforts towards recovery and well see you when your ready to come back Bud.


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## armyvern (13 Sep 2008)

Avor said:
			
		

> I hear what your saying. Im home on the couch, but its going to be a while untill I really start to feel better. I guess I woun't untill last treatment is over wensday.
> 
> Im just sick of feeling sick.



Think of it this way ...

Getting better is just making you feel sicker for a little while --- it's a necessary evil, but it's all sooooooo worth it in the end. You'll last ... there's steaks and beers and girls to be partaken of - and couches to be jumped on. Look after you for now, and if you do that ... the future is bright indeed. You'll see. 

Be well. Think good thoughts.


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## Sythen (13 Sep 2008)

Holy crap, Mcauley..

This is Lang, I guess we should've kept in better touch after I left Wainwright. Man, I didn't know it was that bad.. Last I heard you were just getting something removed from your spine.. Didn't know it was cancer. Wow..

Listen man, take care of yourself, and don't worry about it. I'm not good with motivational stuff, but trust me no one is looking down on you for this.. Keep in touch man.

I'll stomp you at Battlefield and Supreme Commander again sometime


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## Avor (13 Sep 2008)

I know what it is now that I've had a chance to sleep on it, Im on the homestreach, and I hate that place. The real work, challage is beat, and now I just want to be done with it all. Im not patient, even driving places, the closer I get to home, the faster I want to drive. As treatment rounds out I get more frustraited and eager with everything. I feel trapped like this, especialy just the pain. My knees are a mess, they hurt every morning from useing stairs the day before. Ice pack cures it with pain killlers just fine. But I feel even more trapped, living on the couch watching TV and messibg about on my computer. Im accualy pissed off because I cant find all my computer game CDs. But at least I got boxes from Wainwright, gives me some things to sort out and do. Im going to need nore chocolate cake....

But fuck, Lang, medicaly things went crazy, anyways my email is Ares2121@gmail.com, msn is the same but @hotmail.com. conntact me.


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## Avor (14 Sep 2008)

frig, this is what I hate. I literaly just got back from the grocery store, picking up all sorts stuff I hope is good and know is good, but I feel so tired. I hate that my taste is ****ed, or that I can't see frig all outside a room, but I hate being this ******* weak. Not feeling weak, being. 

/rant


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## aesop081 (14 Sep 2008)

One thing at a time man, one thing at a time.


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## JimMorrison19 (14 Sep 2008)

Avor said:
			
		

> frig, this is what I hate. I literaly just got back from the grocery store, picking up all sorts stuff I hope is good and know is good, but I feel so tired. I hate that my taste is ****ed, or that I can't see frig all outside a room, but I hate being this ******* weak. Not feeling weak, being.
> 
> /rant



From everything I've read your case is a lot worse than mine was - I had testicular cancer. Keep hanging in there man, where you are now is too far down the road to let it overtake you.


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## Avor (14 Sep 2008)

JimMorrison19 said:
			
		

> From everything I've read your case is a lot worse than mine was - I had testicular cancer. Keep hanging in there man, where you are now is too far down the road to let it overtake you.



I know I screwed when people with testical cancer feel sorry for me...I guess its no different than how I feel sorry for people who live 7 months in hospital undergoing treatment.

But this is the suffer in silince part, we know whats up, we just sqaure our sholders and march on. Come on, its only 3 more treatments for crying out loud,I will not be overtaken here. I just keep reaching out for the little comforting things, like anybody , but they are so hit and miss. Hits like tonight, where the saveing grace was imitition crab meat, one of the few things that tastes the same, it felt so good to have any kind of normality. A miss is just a needless kick to the knee, it realy just brings everything else down.


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## JimMorrison19 (14 Sep 2008)

Avor said:
			
		

> I know I screwed when people with testical cancer feel sorry for me...I guess its no different than how I feel sorry for people who live 7 months in hospital undergoing treatment.
> 
> But this is the suffer in silince part, we know whats up, we just sqaure our sholders and march on. Come on, its only 3 more treatments for crying out loud,I will not be overtaken here. I just keep reaching out for the little comforting things, like anybody , but they are so hit and miss. Hits like tonight, where the saveing grace was imitition crab meat, one of the few things that tastes the same, it felt so good to have any kind of normality. A miss is just a needless kick to the knee, it realy just brings everything else down.



I never had the issue with loss of taste but I always felt so sick whenever I smelled anything that the only thing I really could eat was graham crackers and apple juice.

Testicular cancer is actually a very treatable kind, and with the way your treatments are going, yours must be too (I'm not too sure about any kind except my own), it's just taking longer. I actually feel glad for you, not sorry, because I'm a firm believer in things like this making people stronger. Do you play Starcraft?


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## Avor (15 Sep 2008)

JimMorrison19 said:
			
		

> I never had the issue with loss of taste but I always felt so sick whenever I smelled anything that the only thing I really could eat was graham crackers and apple juice.
> 
> Testicular cancer is actually a very treatable kind, and with the way your treatments are going, yours must be too (I'm not too sure about any kind except my own), it's just taking longer. I actually feel glad for you, not sorry, because I'm a firm believer in things like this making people stronger. Do you play Starcraft?



No, I stoped playing that years ago. To many people took it to far, useing spreadsheets to determin what they should build. Plus, my eyrs are still to bad to keep up to a RTS game.


----------



## ballz (15 Sep 2008)

Avor I am a new OCDT with no military experience yet. You have inspired me so much and made me realise the level of dedication and perseverance, and a whole bunch of other good things, it takes to be a solider. Anything less and I will be doing an injustice to you and all other soldiers like you.

You sir, are the cream of the crop.


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## GUNS (15 Sep 2008)

Avor,

From reading your post I am getting the impression that your medical condition is getting the upper hand. That's not good.

You have to be in control of your daily routine. Don't let this get the best of you. Avor, when I was told that I had cancer in three different parts of my body. My family was in the hospital room. After the Dr. explained about the cancers, I just layed in the bed, pondering as to how I should react.

My reaction was decided by my family being there. I made up my mind there and then, that I would never allow my family to know the misery that was to follow. I did not want to pass my misery on to my family or others.

I only allowed the misery to have the upper hand when I was alone and only for a few minutes.  Do not allow your mind to dwell on your condition,  keep both your mind and body active. 

I am surprised that you were not provided with instructions as to how to handle your medical condition.

As with you, I lost all my hair, I went from being a 6' 2", 225lbs  to 6'2" 176lbs, everything was tasteless and life sucked.

Avor, no matter how bad things are, stay positive. As my Dr. told a nurse when I was having a very bad chemo treatment. "Soldiers make great patients"
I was always positive, miserable but positive.

You will lick this, your prior post tells me so. 

Avor, no more negative rants. One day at a time and before you know it. Its nothing more than a bad dream.

My prayers are with you.


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## Avor (16 Sep 2008)

GUNS said:
			
		

> Avor,
> 
> From reading your post I am getting the impression that your medical condition is getting the upper hand. That's not good.
> 
> ...



Thats the other thing, this mess has been going on for over a year now, the whole "you have cancer". Admin wise, I was told alot of things and eventualy fell between the cracks. Its only recently that my camcer has become an issue. I don't know whats going on, the doctors don't, the other doctors are just there for the radiation. I'm left out of the loop so much because there is no loop, by the time I was in for radiation they were asking my mom about resuscitation orders. Things got realy fucked realy fast, and alot got missed.





			
				GUNS said:
			
		

> As with you, I lost all my hair, I went from being a 6' 2", 225lbs  to 6'2" 176lbs, everything was tasteless and life sucked.
> 
> Avor, no matter how bad things are, stay positive. As my Dr. told a nurse when I was having a very bad chemo treatment. "Soldiers make great patients"
> I was always positive, miserable but positive.
> ...



Of course I will beat this. but understand that this is the only negative outlet I have, the only place I can just let some of it out. I'm half fucking blind, I cant work on my models, I can't play video games, I ccan't read the TV listings. Maybe I whine and rant alot, but it makes me feel better and right now its one of the few things I have. 


2 more treatments left.


----------



## Rodahn (16 Sep 2008)

If this is the only real forum that you feel safe in ranting about your situation, then I say rant away my friend. And remember that if you need anything I'm here in the area.

Take care and get well.

Chimo.


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## Avor (16 Sep 2008)

Rodahn said:
			
		

> If this is the only real forum that you feel safe in ranting about your situation, then I say rant away my friend. And remember that if you need anything I'm here in the area.
> 
> Take care and get well.
> 
> Chimo.



Thank you, it's just that here is the only place peopple understand how it would feel to go from soldier to this level of weekness.


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## armyvern (16 Sep 2008)

Avor said:
			
		

> Thank you, it's just that here is the only place peopple understand how it would feel to go from soldier to this level of weekness.



You're simply going from a high level of physicality to a lower level of physicality - *temporarily* - due to sickness, not weakness - your strength of mind and body and, your courage of heart and soul, is obvious - and that is exactly what will pull you through this.

Rant all you wish --- just don't toss your comuputer about!!  

Chin up, spirits high, smile on ... only two more to go! There always is the bright side of life. 

PM inbound.


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## Avor (16 Sep 2008)

Its not all gloomful ranting, remember that I was badged. To go from c0rnflake to PPCLI, to have a room of officers say practicaly "You didn't do BIQ, but we still think your the right stuff and are makeing you one of us". The other thhing I take away is the "I" of the "PPCLI", shen I spoke nobody had any objection to going back and doing BIQ. Only military undertand that, fhat kind of desire, much less the importanced of being badged alone.


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## GUNS (17 Sep 2008)

Avor,

PM inbound


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## Avor (18 Sep 2008)

My radiation is done, its nothing but recouvery from here on out. Walking is better day by day, taste in a month, sight they say about two.


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## Avor (18 Sep 2008)

Doctor's appointment in Victoria tommorow, stupid hour drive. Im sorry, I need a moment to gloat here. Before I ended up in hospital I was buying a place. Today I was finnaly able to get in the bank to do some needed paper work, but I was shocked to find out minimum payment was only $620.  As a single male, with no bills, I'm laughing. I already puy myself down for double morage payment, and I plan to make out what I can do in lump sum payments.

It's kind of unreal, to be in the housing market, so stress free, so quick to be paid down, and all while just out of radiation. 

Like I said, sorry to gloat, but a soldier's pay is accualy alot if you have no other bills or obligations. 

EDIT- Oh, I forgot, I'm going to be rentingg the place out for 800 a month. Already have a renter lined up with tennent agreement signed. The seller needs to stay in BC untill thier house in Alberta is being finnished.


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## Avor (20 Sep 2008)

ArmyVern said:
			
		

> Chin up, spirits high, smile on ... only two more to go! There always is the bright side of life.



Like  how good I am money wise!...sorry, but with all the cancer stuff, seeing other cancer patients dealing with the challage, it feels realy good to know I don't have to worry about money like they do. Not only that, to be buying a place...

But maybe I should not be so happy, I may have to live om this place for lide. For all I know I could be kicked out of the army, left a cripple liveing off of a lawsuit and disability penttion. I'm still on some crazy pain killers, and I never know if my sight will come back, they say two months, but I haven't accauly seen the eye doctor yet. Well, at least I got the referene for him from my appointment I had today.


Medicaly, I am walking better, getting up and down stairs better. Better, not good yet, but still better. Going to the bathroom is ok, the importantt thing is that I haven't blown up, so I'm happy. I am also happy is that it's not greasy crap, it' clean, and that's good when I have to poop 3 times a day. I am also getting to a more normal wieght, 190 lbs, still 10 lbs less than when I went down, but up the 175 I was at the low point. It's so nice to be done with hosptital food. I am so sick of hosptial chicken two times a day I have not eaten any chicken since I've been home. In fact I've been keen on random things like peanut butter and jam sandwich, soup, and immitation crab meat.


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## FastEddy (20 Sep 2008)

Avor said:
			
		

> I hear what your saying. Im home on the couch, but its going to be a while untill I really start to feel better. I guess I woun't untill last treatment is over wensday.
> 
> Im just sick of feeling sick.




Yes that's very true and at times its harder to bear than the actual Illness or Treatments, but its a perfectly normal reaction.

You've born up fantastically well considering your Serious Set Back, just bear in mind, no matter how long or dark the Tunnel is, there always a Light at its end.

Our Prayers and Thoughts are with you.

Cheers.


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## daftandbarmy (21 Sep 2008)

Avor said:
			
		

> I am also happy is that it's not greasy crap, it' clean, and that's good when I have to poop 3 times a day.



Well, it's obvious you didn't take my advice about drinking whisky then. Geez, if I wasn't taking my own advice I'd be hurt...   :blotto:


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## Avor (21 Sep 2008)

daftandbarmy said:
			
		

> Well, it's obvious you didn't take my advice about drinking whisky then. Geez, if I wasn't taking my own advice I'd be hurt...   :blotto:



Im affaird to even think about drinks. The pain killers I'm on is accauly some kind of morphine, Im remember how much T3s and booze fucked me up. To drink like this would be insane! LOL.


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## daftandbarmy (21 Sep 2008)

Avor said:
			
		

> Im affaird to even think about drinks. The pain killers I'm on is accauly some kind of morphine, Im remember how much T3s and booze ****ed me up. To drink like this would be insane! LOL.



The 'I' in Infantry stands for 'Insane'.


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## Avor (25 Sep 2008)

Things are going ok. No improvement on sight, I just hope it's not cataracts or something that will require surgery. I got a phobia when it comes the eyes, I begin to freak out just thinking about eye surgery. The only reason why I was able to do basic PRK was in order to be infantry. 

ANyways, taste is comeing come slowly, say about 35-49% back. Living here on the couch has it's ups and downs. My general mobility is getting better, the more I get up and around house and downtown, the more the mussles are used, the better they get. Sometimes at the end of a outing I just feel tired and sore. Like yesterday I was at the bank, layers, and comic/model store. Im just not use to so mucch movement, its going to take a while before I do.  

With my eyes the way they are. all I realy do is build Warhammer 40k models. (Little men and tanks that you build, paint, and play on a table with dice and meassureing tape.). It  keeps my hands busy, but I with the eyes I haven't dared to paint anything.


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## Teflon (25 Sep 2008)

Keep at it Friend and Best Wishes !

Keep getting stronger!


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## Avor (26 Sep 2008)

Holy fuck last night sucked. 

The steroids im on are working as anti-inflamitroies. Reduction is dousage last night was not fun. My ancles, elbow, knees and wrists all hurt like no tommorow. The worst was getting up to go to the bathroom. Ice packs and pain killers became my new best friends untill about noon., Hopefully tonight is bestter, my body adapting to the reduction in meds, but now I will be exspecting pain and will be ready with meds. as needed.


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## Avor (27 Sep 2008)

Ok, I was right about the pain, it's the the change in meds, and now that the change is done, my body is ok. I an a little sore, but so much better.


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## Niteshade (30 Sep 2008)

Good news  Keep at it!

Nites


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## Avor (1 Oct 2008)

Today an officer and somebody else came by my house to get my vote. Since I'm all messed up, the military came to my house so I could vote. That's pretty darn cool,  I was not looking forwards to all the walking and standing of a busy election day. I would have needed to use some kind of wheelchair to last that long.

But the officer as soon came into room he immidilatly identified the ton of models I haave out as warhamer, so I called him a nerd,   Then I started showing them off like a even bigger nerd..

Also today the real estate agent came by to drop of the key to my new condo, three post dated checks from the renters along with another one for the damage deposit. When I was at the lawer's last week I found since I was renting out the place that I do not get exxemption from a tax first time buyers normaly get. But that's ok, seeing how the tax is $1390, yet the renters 3 checks add up to $2400. Who knew, it pays to pay taxes 



			
				Niteshade said:
			
		

> Good news  Keep at it!
> 
> Nites



Thank you


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## Avor (4 Oct 2008)

Funny thing, I didn't know the doctor filled out some paperwork, Im legaly blind! My dad and I were getting the handicap parking sticker and it was on the forms.

I know my sight is crap and there is no way I should do things like drive, but to have it on paper? Well, as least now we get choice parking.


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## GUNS (5 Oct 2008)

Avor, check your e-mail.


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## FastEddy (5 Oct 2008)

Avor said:
			
		

> Funny thing, I didn't know the doctor filled out some paperwork, Im legaly blind! My dad and I were getting the handicap parking sticker and it was on the forms.
> 
> I know my sight is crap and there is no way I should do things like drive, but to have it on paper? Well, as least now we get choice parking.




Point to remember, you will be issued a Handicap Display Card and a annual renewable Licence (issued to you personally), but you must be in the vehicle displaying the HC Card and in posecession of your HC Licence to use the HC Spaces

Do Not allow anyone to use (display) the HC Card even if they are on a errant for you.
 i.e A Hot 23 year old young Lady pulled up outside a IGA Store (who's HC Parking was right outside and by the Store Entrance), who apparently with great gusto dashed into the Store. Leaving her VW convertable (top down) , displaying the HC card from her rear view mirror.

All of this was observed by (persons unknown) who called the local authorities who dispatched a Patrol Car that was in the Area. The end results were, that the HC Card belonged to her 83yr old Grandmother who was wheel chair bound. If I'm not mistaken she received a $240.00 fine (after contesting her ticket), but also she was not allowed to drive her vehicle and was required to have it removed by tow truck , due to someone smashing both her head lights and completely splintering her windshield.


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## GUNS (6 Oct 2008)

Have to agree with FastEddy. I have a Disabled Card for my vehicles but seldom use it due to major abuse of the system. I have been into too many heated discussions with able-bodied civvys who use the Disabled parking spots. 

My younger self wanted to use a more physical approach to explaining the correct use of Disabled Parking spaces. When your half the person you used to be, a verbal explanation of the proper use of Disabled Parking is all I came muster.

One method I have deployed is to talk to the manager's of businesses I frequent and tell them my dissatisfaction with there Disabled Parking. What will usually happen is an employee will check vehicles using the Disabled Parking for about a month or so then its forgotten again. 

Life is cruel.


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## Strike (7 Oct 2008)

Avor, keep plugging along.

Regarding the HD Card, it took my sister 5 years before she decided to get one.  Even then she is loath to use a spot if she's having a good day.  Of course, we were out shopping one day and noticed 3 handicapped spots, all filled, two by cars not displaying a card.  She pulled up behind them and parked there.   ;D

They are certainly good for more than just the "good" parking spots.


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## Avor (12 Oct 2008)

Thank you for the tips, I was just going to key the bastards, but from now on I'll park behind them untill the cops come, and the police station is less than a block away. luckly the only place I realy go the grocery store, and I have never had a problem. 

But the last three days have been total shit, literaly. I was set for a cut in medicatio, totaly off of the steroids. Well, it totaly fucked me up, I was awake for only 8 hours a day, weak, I was sick as a dog, and yesterday I shit while walking with out realizeing it.

Now they got me back on and I'm getting back to where I was. I am not pleased by any of this, I want off meds all together. At least they have a plan to taper the reduction next time.


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## GUNS (12 Oct 2008)

I know what you are going through. It's F**king rough. The " cure is worst than the illness".  I went through the same problems as you are experiencing. The withdrawl symptoms of coming of so many drugs made me feel worst. In my case, I was on so much medication, I didn't know the war was over. I was not fit to be around because of my illness. Which affected all those around me. 
I was depressed all the time from having to take so much medication so they gave me drugs for the depression. It never ends. 

Avor, you will have a rough road ahead to recovery but your attitude will carry you through it. 

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going.

Best of luck friend


----------



## FastEddy (12 Oct 2008)

Avor said:
			
		

> Thank you for the tips, I was just going to key the bastards, but from now on I'll park behind them untill the cops come, and the police station is less than a block away. luckly the only place I realy go the grocery store, and I have never had a problem.
> 
> But the last three days have been total crap, literaly. I was set for a cut in medicatio, totaly off of the steroids. Well, it totaly ****ed me up, I was awake for only 8 hours a day, weak, I was sick as a dog, and yesterday I crap while walking with out realizeing it.
> 
> Now they got me back on and I'm getting back to where I was. I am not pleased by any of this, I want off meds all together. At least they have a plan to taper the reduction next time.




Sorry to hear that things aren't easing up for you.

I guess its true about what they say, "sometimes the cure is worse than the disease".

Its a hard March and the Ruck weights a ton, but your almost at the top, then its all down hill.

Cheers ED.


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## Avor (15 Oct 2008)

GUNS said:
			
		

> I know what you are going through. It's F**king rough. The " cure is worst than the illness".  I went through the same problems as you are experiencing. The withdrawl symptoms of coming of so many drugs made me feel worst. In my case, I was on so much medication, I didn't know the war was over. I was not fit to be around because of my illness. Which affected all those around me.
> I was depressed all the time from having to take so much medication so they gave me drugs for the depression. It never ends.
> 
> Avor, you will have a rough road ahead to recovery but your attitude will carry you through it.
> ...



I thinkI feel that depression thing, sitting around all day. Coped up all day, useless computer, nothing on TV, and I burned out on building models. I now just turn off the TCV and just lie on the couch alone. The only thing I have is tht I got a bunch of appointments coming uo, and at this point I want any news or info on my condition or what the fuck is going on. Like if they can do anythinng to fic my eyes, it would allow me to do so much more.


----------



## GUNS (20 Oct 2008)

Avor,

The way I coped with the loneliness was to volunteer. I am a Volunteer Driver for the Cancer Society, I also had been a volunteer for people with disabilities. In the New Year I plan to volunteer my time at the Veteran's pavilion.  Sitting/laying around is not good for you, believe me, I know.

Avor, do your best to stay active. It may not be what you perfer to be doing but it will help in your recovery.

If I was anywhere close, I would drop in for a coffee.

Good health my friend,

GUNS


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## Avor (22 Oct 2008)

Today I went to the eye doctor, not good news. My optic nerve is shot to hell, and there is not to much they can do about it. That means even if they fix the other vision flaws, everything will still be out of focus.

It's good that you volunteer, but Im not in a possition to help anybody, much less do anything.


----------



## Engineer (31 Oct 2008)

Avor,

I don't know you, but I just read through the entire thread.  Maintain a good attitude and trust that God will see you through this.  Don't preoccupy yourself too much with the fact that there are circumstances working against your plans.  Take reality into account and adjust your plans accordingly.  

I believe that everything happens for a reason.  Yiou can be certain that your posts here have stirred many emotions in many readers.  Cancer is an affliction which affects EVERYONE.  Everybody has family or friends who have been touched and be assured that the thousands of readers who have read your posts respect you for your courage and willingness to share your thoughts on here.  

I've only just read months worth of progress over the last few minutes, so I'm admittedly not that aware of your circumstances.  

I'm a strong believer that dreams are meant to become reality.  I've they weren't, you wouldn't have dreamt them in the first place - back to the motto that everything happens for a reason.  

As you move forward, the trick will be to figure out the good that has come from your circumstances.  Best of luck.  

Chimo.


----------



## GUNS (23 Nov 2008)

Avor,

How are you doing, lately? Since we share common lifestyles(military) and problems(medical), I was wondering how you are making out. 
If my timing is off in asking, I will understand if there is no reply.

Best of luck,
Guns.


----------



## Avor (26 Nov 2008)

GUNS said:
			
		

> Avor,
> 
> How are you doing, lately? Since we share common lifestyles(military) and problems(medical), I was wondering how you are making out.
> If my timing is off in asking, I will understand if there is no reply.
> ...



Things were not so well for a while. A few weeks ago I came off the medication, and it piut me down pretty good. 

Im doiing better now, was able to get some tests out of the way. But the part that is getting to me is that every eye doctor I've seen said my vision is shot for life. Perniment nerve damage happened becasuse I waas not sent in for radiation when I should have. This pisses me off the most off, what the army is willing to do in terms of pention, nothing. Just two years of subsidized education. Real fucking great. I just try not to think about it, all I can do is hope my sight comes back, if not, I sue.


----------



## GUNS (26 Nov 2008)

Not the most welcoming news, is it.

I hope all things come together for you and continue with your fight for proper benefits from DND/VA.

You have to be tough at times like these.

Best of luck.


----------



## Avor (27 Nov 2008)

Ok, this is what realy unsrttles me. I just got a letter rom the army regaurding my disability claim jlyst being sent off.

Get this 

"Contrained in your application was an additional claim for Loss of Vision consequential
to the tumour. Unfortunately,I have had to wwithdraw this portion of your application as there is no medical documentation in your service health records to suppurt the claim"

A load of shit, and what am I suppose to do with it? 

If this is no longer part of my claim, what do I need to do? Send in another claim? Phone and bitch at people? Or should I just let them fiuck me around now and sue them all later.


----------



## leroi (27 Nov 2008)

Avor said:
			
		

> Ok, this is what realy unsrttles me. I just got a letter rom the army regaurding my disability claim jlyst being sent off.
> 
> Get this
> 
> ...



Avor, it's nice to see you back on the forum. A question from civvy-me: can you get help from your Regiment or an Ombudsman? I think, the CF has such a thing. Maybe they can help steer you through the red tape which can be so frustrating. Some of the letters you are getting may be just informal parts of a larger process ... things may turn out differently than how it seems today.

Many of us here have been thinking about you and hoping for the best ... 

Please feel free to PM me if I can help at all.


----------



## GUNS (27 Nov 2008)

Avor,

There has to be avenues within the military for you to get answer's to your concerns. The military has been rumored to make mistakes. 

Make sure you keep a paper trail for yourself of everything you are going through.

I am not sure if Pat Stogran (Veteran's Ombudsman) would be of assistance. 

I know it frustrating but you have to remain calm and take it step by step.

Best of luck and keep us up to date on your struggle. You never know someone in the group may be of some help.


----------



## leroi (27 Nov 2008)

Avor,

"Veterans Ombudsman" is a member on this forum; maybe he could help; I've cut and pasted this from one of his posts to the forum:

The Parade Square / Military Administration / Pat Stogran, Veterans Ombudsman Launches National 'Leave Nobody Behind'  Campaign  on: June 19, 2008, 10:04:09  

VETERANS OMBUDSMAN LAUNCHES NATIONAL "LEAVE NOBODY BEHIND" CAMPAIGN  

Charlottetown – Today, Colonel (ret) Pat Stogran, Canada’s Veterans Ombudsman, launched the national "Leave Nobody Behind" campaign. The Ombudsman is calling on all Canadians, including military and Royal Canadian Mounted Police Veterans and their family members, to work with him to identify ex-service personnel who might be suffering in silence because they have not sought assistance or appropriate services do not exist for them at the present time.  

"We don't leave our wounded on the battlefield, so injured Veterans should not be left to care for themselves. I will leave nobody behind", said Colonel Stogran. "The Office of the Veterans Ombudsman is the rallying point for all Veteran issues. Everyone should feel that they can come to us on any matter that impacts on the Veteran community, and be confident that we will 
follow up."

The Ombudsman announced this initiative at Legion Branch Number 1 in Charlottetown, where he was doing his first in an ongoing series of townhall meetings.  These townhalls enable the Ombudsman to maintain a dialogue with the Veterans’ community, thus ensuring that the work of the Office of the Veterans Ombudsman (OVO) remains relevant to our Veterans.  

For more information on the Ombudsman and the OVO, or to advise the Office of a Veteran who might be in need of assistance, please call us at:
1-877-330-4343 or visit our website at: www.ombudsman-veterans.gc.ca.


----------



## Avor (30 Nov 2008)

It's too early to run to the Ombudsman, I should just be patient and see how things play out on their own. Then if I get screwed, then start going to top people. 

The joy of army limbo, it sucks, but since your in limbo you can't realy do jack.


----------



## Avor (15 Dec 2008)

Last week had a few medical appointments. The MRI results were ok, nothing new. The eye doctor said the vison in my right eye has gotten better, left no change. 

And case management was informative. I was woried because I knew VAC would turn me down. But then it turns out I will be ok, I knew that I am entitled to 2 years of subsidised education, but not that at the end of thaat two years you are re-assesed. I was affraid that if I am crippled for life all I would have is dosability.

I know people who only have disability pention, and they are fucked. Not only is it a pittiful amount of money, there are restrictions on what you can spend it on. Such as it cannot be put towards a morage


----------



## Takeniteasy (16 Jan 2009)

Hi Avor; how are things with you?


----------



## Avor (16 Jan 2009)

IRONMAN3 said:
			
		

> Hi Avor; how are things with you?



Getting better, but more messed up than I realize sometimes. Like when I went to the pool and nearly died. First off, the nerves in my left foot are realy messed up, so getting in and out of the pool the bumbs on the pool ladder felt like needles. Then the hot tub, before all this I could have lived in one, but now I barely lasted three minutes before I felt sick. Then the elavator broke so I had go up 4 flights of stairs, at the end of I threw up. 

I went to the eye doctor last week and he siad my sight is improved from last time, so maybe ovver enough time I can get decent sight back. And today I heard from my assisting officer that some people at regimental HQ were asking how I was doing, wich is good because I want to heal up and get back to the army.


----------



## Takeniteasy (20 Jan 2009)

Thanks for your update Avor; there are many of us out here who are thinking about you and wish only the best for you. 

Duty With Honour


----------



## leroi (20 Jan 2009)

IRONMAN3 said:
			
		

> Thanks for your update Avor; there are many of us out here who are thinking about you and wish only the best for you.
> 
> Duty With Honour



Yes, wishing you the best Avor !


----------



## Avor (22 Jan 2009)

Today's  appointment,

Urologist- I think the reason you're having to go so offten is that you are constipated, and it's pushing against your bladder.
Me- So my problem is that I'm full shit, great,

Then when I told my mom she said "Fucking knew it"


----------



## leroi (22 Jan 2009)

Avor said:
			
		

> Today's  appointment,
> 
> Urologist- I think the reason you're having to go so offten is that you are constipated, and it's pushing against your bladder.
> Me- So my problem is that I'm full shit, great,
> ...



 :rofl: 

Sounds like your getting your sense of humour back. That's good to see. You'll fit right in with the rest of the characters that hang around here. ;D


----------



## Avor (31 Jan 2009)

I need a bit of advice/help, or just need to talk about it.

I'm feeling a little lost, because since I was grade four I knew I wanted to be a soldier. My understanding was limited, but I knew that there was evil, and what it could and did do when good people stand aside and allow it to. 

Since that time almost everything I did was in the pursuit of that objective, I studied as much history as I could, everything from dairies, every history book I can find, and my favourite, accualy talking with vets. I spend so much effort on learning about war I started to have contant nightmares.

By the time I was ready for the army I knew with absolute certainy what my very purpose in life was, to defend all that is innocent, just and good. To make the world a better and safer place. Never waivering, never fearfull and never selfish. To go to what ever point that is needed, to go where even angels fear to tread.


But now I don't know, I feel like a ship at sea in the darknes, no light house to guide me. I use to know every thing, all the big questions were answered, I knew what I was suppose to do, why I was here, I even knew what the what would happen after I die. Now because of this  cancer, I have lost all abillity, and thus all purpose and knowledge. I just don't know what I'm suppose to do, what to think. 

Maybe this some sick twist of fate, or kind of test, to see if I can find a non-violent way to  make the wrold a better and safer place. Maybe I can go back to volunteering, or if I get better enough join the local Search and Resque.

But realy distrubs me, as a civy or army, is I don't think I can ever get use to being this weak. I use to reherse in my head how I would re-act if I drove up on a car wreck, or house fire. I always knew I would be willing to run into a burning house, but know I can barely walk, much less run. Ir realy gets to me that I am now unable to save someone in one of those situations.


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## ENGINEERS WIFE (31 Jan 2009)

Avor

Even though I have not commented on your thread yet, I have been following it closely.  While I have never been in you situation, so I cannot say what I would do in your situation. And I am sure that your emotional journey can be as tough as the physical one.  

But, having said that, being a soldier is what you do, not who you are.  You still posses all the qualities that made you want to become a soldier and make this world a better place, just your physical body is not cooperating at the time.  Just because you can't swoop in and 'save the day' in a way that you thought you would, doesn't mean it can't be done in other ways.

My definition of a hero is someone in an adverse situation feels the fear, but still moves forward to do the right thing!  Right now you are feeling the fear and when you are ready, I have no doubt that you will move forward.  Because, that's what heroes do!!  And you, my friend, are one.  

And even though you may not be feeling it right now, I have faith in you and even heroes need help once in awhile.


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## GUNS (31 Jan 2009)

Avor,
I can only imagine your frustration, it has to be difficult not being able to fulfill your dream.  Wearing the uniform is only a part of being a soldier. How you act when not in uniform is being a soldier as well.  You can still help others, even without the uniform. 

Depending on your physical abilities, you can volunteer. I am a volunteer driver for the Cancer Society, I volunteer at a hospital helping people who have medical conditions that limit their mobility.  I will be helping out at the Veteran's Pavilion shortly and when my son leaves for overseas shortly I will put in some time down at the MFRC.

There are plenty of options out there, some having to do with the military and some with nothing to do with the military.  You have to choose what is best for you. Worst thing to do is dwell on your present situation. I speak from experience on that part.  Although my treatments never removed all the cancer on my liver, it was greatly reduced and today it has not grown any bigger. 

I like to think that my military background was the reason I decided to carry on as if nothing ever happened. I have to admit that there a days that my medical condition rules the day but those type of days are far and few.

Avor, try and stay busy. It will be beneficial to you in the long run. Look around at your options and be the soldier you always wanted to be, with or without the uniform.

Take care


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## Avor (5 Feb 2009)

> But, having said that, being a soldier is what you do, not who you are.



Honestly, it feel like the other way around.  Ever since I was two, protecting others has been my idendity, who and what I am. I've been thinking, and it realy goes back to when I was two. I was standing behind my baby sister as she pressed on the screen, I tried to grab her but I failed and she fell from a second story window, head first onto cement.

With that as my earliest memory, this attitude of duty, honour and protection of others is all I've ever felt and known, it is who and what I am.

The problem goes beyond the lose of purpose, confidence and direction, I have lost my identity, who and what I am. I feel empty, or like my soul has taken a wound.



> Because, that's what heroes do!!  And you, my friend, are one.



The key word is "do", and I have done nothing.




Thank you all, but in the end I have to deal with all this on my own, and over time. 
I have to get better, I cannot live a future where I am already dead on the inside.


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## GUNS (6 Feb 2009)

Avor,  wars are not won easily. One must first win the many battles within that war in order to succeed.

From your last post, you seem to have given up on your first battle. 

Avor, I have been fighting battles ever since being told of my medical problem and I will continue to fight. 

When I drive cancer patients to their treatments, I know from observation, which one have the desire to survive and those who are only going through the motions.

The worst part of driving cancer patients is when the patient after completing their first few treatments, tells me not to bother picking them up any more. 

These patients, though far and few, have decided not to fight the first battle for their life.

All I can say is think of your family who suffers just as much as you. Think of all your friends who want you to beat this.

If you do not want to do it for yourself then do it for your family.

Avor, you have to dig in.


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## Avor (6 Feb 2009)

GUNS said:
			
		

> Avor,  wars are not won easily. One must first win the many battles within that war in order to succeed.
> 
> From your last post, you seem to have given up on your first battle.



How do you figure?


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## Takeniteasy (8 Feb 2009)

Hi Avor; here is a link to a storey that you may like to read. I can tell you straight up that you are not alone.  

http://www2.canada.com/comoxvalleyecho/news/story.html?id=6f659431-398f-416b-a212-aa3a672acbea


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## Avor (9 Feb 2009)

Had a meeting with an officer today, paperwork/medical disclousure about a medical discharge.

Anyways, my choices, agree with the doctors and be released. Or try to argue that I should stay in. If they release me, the most important thing is that I can re-apply, take my time and realy heal up right. Or I can be a defient bastard, work my balls off, get a letter the cancer specialist saying I will be kicking ass in a year.

But my status is always changing. ups and downs, and of course my vision is still up in the air. It makes it hard to judge.





And GUNS, I want an answer, how have I given up?


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## Takeniteasy (18 Mar 2009)

Hi Avor; we have not heard from you in awhile. How are things your way?


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## Avor (21 Mar 2009)

IRONMAN3 said:
			
		

> Hi Avor; we have not heard from you in awhile. How are things your way?



Things are not good. The pain my back is worse, I have unine track problems, my vision is still messed up,  and the nightmares are getting more common.


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## leroi (21 Mar 2009)

Well Avor, that doesn't sound good at all.

I hope it's a temporary set back.

I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes but I sure do admire your strength of spirit.

Canada needs good and brave people like you to fight the good fight both at home and away.
I know you're a fighter because even through adversity, you've inspired others by sharing your story. :yellow:

I think you're a person who would never give up or  :whiteflag:  even when you feel like this: :brickwall: 

That's why you're a person I'd always choose to have on my team ;D

 :cdnsalute:


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## kratz (21 Mar 2009)

For every challange, for each setback and each time you reach that moment. Know you have support. Keep strong and keep going, we are with you.


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## Bruce Monkhouse (2 Apr 2009)

I hope you have a good birthday.


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## leroi (21 Jun 2009)

Hello Avor,

How are you doing? 

We've missed hearing from you on the forum.


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## Niteshade (4 Mar 2010)

Hi Avor, I hope you are doing well and things are looking up. 

I missed reading your updates; how are things?

Best, Nites


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## Niteshade (18 Jul 2010)

<Bump>

Anyone know Avor and can post an update? I am hoping he is doing well.

Nites


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## Avor (1 Dec 2010)

bad stuff very dark

i live


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## Jager (1 Dec 2010)

I'm very sorry to hear that things aren't going well (I assume thats what you mean by "bad stuff very dark"), but I'm glad that your still with us, and I hope that things get better and you get healthier.


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## Loachman (2 Dec 2010)

Ditto.


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## Cpl4Life (20 Dec 2010)

Avor is there anything we can do to help?  How about some company?  If I'm anywhere close I'd love to come and shoot the shit with you for a while.


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## Avor (29 Dec 2010)

Yes I do, I tried to come back earlier, to find my old topic and tell everybody that Im not dead or anything. But I am sorry I could not continue to relply to all your coments and thank you for your support. But things got realy bad. I cant remember much, but it sucked alot. Only now has my vision and cordination improved enough to use the computer/internet decently.

Anyways, late merry christmass.


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## Old Sweat (29 Dec 2010)

Avor

As one of many who silently hoped we would hear from you again, welcome back, soldier.


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## Loachman (29 Dec 2010)

Avor said:
			
		

> Only now has my vision and cordination improved enough to use the computer/internet decently.



Is this going to be a continuing trend? I hope so.



			
				Avor said:
			
		

> Anyways, late merry christmass.



And to you.


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## LineJumper (29 Dec 2010)

Very good to see you  on again, stay strong and do well this new year.


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## Takeniteasy (30 Dec 2010)

:christmas happy:


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## Burrows (30 Dec 2010)

Good to see you back, man.


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## Avor (31 Dec 2010)

I feel like a bit of a tool, I didn't know my old thread was unnlocked and my first messsage made it through.

I keep it there, sorry for the inconvince,


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## Avor (31 Dec 2010)

Jager said:
			
		

> I'm very sorry to hear that things aren't going well (I assume thats what you mean by "bad stuff very dark"), but I'm glad that your still with us, and I hope that things get better and you get healthier.



Im even getting better from when I wrote that, but things were dark. 

The doctors would have left me for dead if it wasnt for my mom telling them, I was on all sorts of drugs and spent the most of the time traped in my own mind and halusinations, fighting contanly the insanity that I thought I once conquered. 

I have regained some sanity, but there is alot of damage. I can deal with wounds and infections, but there is a kind of brain damage, The darkest and sickest part is that I have forgotten so much, everythimg from WW2 battle to my only sister''s face


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## Loachman (31 Dec 2010)

I merged your two threads, Avor, to make things a bit easier for you.



			
				Avor said:
			
		

> I feel like a bit of a tool,



There is no need to do that, and no need to apologize for anything.



			
				Avor said:
			
		

> Im even getting better from when I wrote that



This is all that matters. Keep doing it.


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## Occam (31 Dec 2010)

I somehow missed this thread over the last couple of years.  Avor, keep up the fight.  You have a large group of supporters here who are behind you all the way.  I hope 2011 brings you everything you wish for, and more.


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## Redeye (31 Dec 2010)

Good to hear you're still in the fight, Avor.

Nix mentioned it too - whereabouts do you live?  If anyone is close by and you need anything - even just some company - don't be afraid to ask, I'm sure any of us if in the position to do so would be only too happy.


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## Avor (1 Jan 2011)

Redeye said:
			
		

> Good to hear you're still in the fight, Avor.
> 
> Nix mentioned it too - whereabouts do you live?  If anyone is close by and you need anything - even just some company - don't be afraid to ask, I'm sure any of us if in the position to do so would be only too happy.



I need somebody to help me drink my whiskey, scotch, vodka and otheer hard drinks that I have hidden around the house.

Serously, I would apprecate some company. Anyways, I'm out in Duncan BC.



> There is no need to do that



I feel like a tool not only because I messed up up, but because many years ago that was the kind mistake I would harp on people for. I don't take any kind of failure well, I know it's not the heathiest thing, but its part of me, and one of the things that keep me going.


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## Anny (4 Jan 2011)

Avor I am originally from the Island, next time I am out there I will send you a pm.  I wish you well and continuance of your recovery!


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## eurowing (5 Jan 2011)

I'll likely be in Duncan (Maple Bay) to look at a couple yachts when I am on my break from KAF.  We can set something up!


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## Avor (22 Apr 2011)

A small update while I am able. For more than the last month, things got worse, as in that life has been kicking my ass, literaly and figuratively.

Tnere was a cut on my left cheek that grew and became very infected. Infections and the meds to treat them always screw with my mind and sight. Even after getting the infection down, the doctor had to come in anddo  bit a surgury. He had to remove the dead tissue and stich the whole thing up. I assume peole would have prefered that he also stiched up a few other holes while he was at it. But tnat surgery requires me to keep wieght off it it, that means even if I was able to see the screen, and cannot sit up even the slightest to use the computer. 

I hate missing the discussion as it takes place on issues like Libya. Although, it's probly best if I don't.


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## WonderGirl (5 May 2011)

I made my font bigger for your eyes.  I just spent many hours reading this entire story and I couldn't be more impressed.  Wow.  Word seems so inconsequential in the face of your struggle and triumph.

Thank you for being brave enough to blog about the harsh realities you are enduring and I pray you come thru this!  

It may not seem like it now, but everything that happens to us makes us stronger for something greater, later.  

I have seen this is my own life play out many times.

You are not alone Avor!  Your words inspired me and I won't take my health for granted.  I was pondering where to volunteer and stumbled upon your thread today!   and will perhaps nowvolunteer some time to the Cancer Treatement center here in Vancouver, because of you.  Its the least I can do.


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## Avor (6 Apr 2018)

It's been seven years since I've been here. To sum it up, I'm stil alive, but blind in the left eye, deaf in the right ear, I can't see more than three feet infront of me, Im hard of hearing the otheri ear, dead from the waste down and the stoke didn't. All the while living in hospital bed in my parent's house. SInce I last posted I've become Catholic and a uncle, good things to live for, but could never let go the warrior ethos.


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