# Open Question for Advice on Stalking and Stalkers



## Thompson_JM (31 Jul 2010)

An open Question here....

I have a very good friend of mine who is overseas in the big dirty right now, and recently his 19 year old Daughter has encountered an issue with a very aggressive stalker.

Any Tips on dealing with it?

More importantly what can we do to help her feel more confident about going out again? etc... I was wondering about Self Defense Courses, Kubotan keychains? anything to help her gain some independence again...


I'm not worried about the Stalker..... There is a reason you never ever frig with a Military Family.......

But I am worried about her and her mom... The Police are already involved to my understanding so from a legal perspective that ball is already rolling....

Just wondering what your thoughts, opinions are on this one.

Thank You.


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## Jorkapp (31 Jul 2010)

I've had to deal with stalkers myself. It's not a pleasant affair.

There really is no "how to deal with stalkers for dummies" manual. Every stalker is different, and every situation is different. A few good general pointers:

1. Don't engage in contact at all. Block them online, get caller ID, hang up if they call. Contacting them, even to tell them where to cram it, only encourages them. Change phone numbers if necessary.
2. Self-defense classes aren't a bad idea. Knowing how to save your own skin is a vital skill. Even if not against the stalker, there are plenty of muggers and rapists out there. 
3. No weapons! Even in self-defense, using a weapon will likely land you in jail. A good self-defense class should teach you how to disarm someone. 
4. Restraining orders may not be worth their weight in gold, but they are worth getting. In some cases, being told to f***-off through legal channels is enough to scare them away. If it doesn't, then you have legal recourse. Violating a restraining order typically nets jail time if prosecuted. If you get one, keep a copy on you at all times.
5. What a stalker is doing is psychological warfare - don't let them win. A stalker wants to make you feel trapped, that way you feel that you have no choice but to be involved with them. Don't hole yourself up - live your life. I know this is easier said than done, but don't live in fear of them; That's what they want.

It sucks being stalked, but it's not a permanent thing. Hopefully, the stalker will just give up after a while and move on.


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## HavokFour (31 Jul 2010)

In regards to changing your phone number, ask your provider about making it unlisted.


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## Occam (31 Jul 2010)

I would hope that the police already told them this, but if the individual calls, hang up and dial the number for the call trace feature, usually *57.  Record the date and time of the phone call in a log.  This has to be done for every suspect call.

The police will eventually seek the caller info on the calls and will charge them with harassing telephone calls under the Criminal Code.


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## armychick2009 (31 Jul 2010)

I agree with Occam, there is a 'call trace' feature that is available. Bell Canada (or your phone company) only releases this directly to the police for the purpose of evidence if/when charges are brought or if there is a restraining order to be brought into place, or -- enforced. 


When I was 19, my mom's ex boyfriend turned into the "family stalker" and he even convinced one of the mentally-ill neighbours to allow him to live with them so he could watch us 24/7. Notes would be placed in places we'd frequent (ie, bus stop to get to school, inside locked cars -- he was a mechanic -- and such).  I remember how nauseating the whole experience made me. We tried to get him arrested by calling in his drunk-driving incidents, etc. and I remember distinctly one officer who came to investigate. He told my mom and I we were "getting our panties into a knot" (appropriate? Um, no)...

Ironically (or not), a few years later that investigating officer was found guilty of stalking and some other charges, subsequently released from the force after a few years of paid-time off while dealing with his legal woes (which now explains his unwillingness to pursue or support us at that point). And, just three years ago (as this was still being investigated), he was in my history class where I had to be in a group-assignment with him. *sigh* 

Anyways - things we did were keep track of when the ex boyfriend was doing stuff we could catch him doing. We recorded our phone calls and had the tracer put on. Let the neighbours know so that they could keep an eye on us, since they were used to seeing him around all the time, they didn't realise until we told them he was stalking, that his 'extra visits to our backyard' WERE out of the ordinary. We never went anywhere alone and my mom and I took the self-defence class that the city was offering. I also just recently took some maui thai kickboxing classes and I have to say, that was pretty empowering in getting your confidence up to deal with physical situations. 

He did eventually give up and get the hint that even though we had to implement some extra things in our life to stay safe, that it wasn't stopping us from living our life. We didn't want to live holed up in the house, it just meant inviting a group of friends to go to the movies instead of going alone or - anything like that.

Hope things ease up for her!

*modified to add clarification on something*


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## Fishbone Jones (31 Jul 2010)

Go see the JP and have a Peace Bond issued. It then becomes an issue for the police if he breaks the bond conditions. 

You are talking about someone who is behaving in a potentionaly criminal way. Advice from the internet is not the way to deal with the situation. Lawyers and police are.


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## Thompson_JM (1 Aug 2010)

Thank you for all your replies.

The matter is being dealt with by the police and my friends daughter has moved back home in an attempt to get the stalker off her back.

The issue is that they cant get any kind of peace bond because she still doesn't know who, or how many people are involved... 

hopefully with her moving away it may just go away on its own. I'll pass some of the coping strategies you guys have given me on to the family.


And Recce Guy, as I said, the police have been contacted... sadly they were not as helpful as perhaps she needed them to be. 

As such, I am asking for some advice from people who may have dealt with it before and looking for possible coping mechanisms for her, what works, what doesn't... 

It's not like I'm going to form a Posse and go Boondocking this Rat.... regardless of how nice it would be to do so...


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## Fishbone Jones (2 Aug 2010)

So the police have investigated and aren't being helpful, also she doesn't know who is, or how many are, stalking her.

There are some other questions I'd be asking myself before getting involved here.

I hope I'm wrong here, but I don't think stalking is her issue.


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## blg (2 Aug 2010)

It's really unfortunate that the police haven't taken the issue as seriously as they should be, especially if there could be more than one stalker?! In my opinion, if there hasn't been talk of a restaining order or peace bond.. no ball has started to roll! 
Of course it sounds a little strange that she doesn't know who exactly her stalker(s) is/are, usually if you're being stalked to the point of knowing it, you're going to know who this person is, if you don't.. they may not be dangerous at all. True stalkers want their victim to almost know who they are, and will get close enough to terrorize them blatantly. This is why they stalk, they enjoy doing these horrible things to the victim, and taking away their sense of safety and security.
Moving away was a good choice. I would also suggest keeping low on the internet. Facebook, other social networking sites etc; should all be set to private. Groups on Facebook she may be in can usually be traced by Googling her Facebook name, so have her leave all groups where information can be accessed about her. The same security rules of OPSEC would definitely apply in the issue of a stalker.
The truth is, after being stalked you may never feel as safe as secure as you once did. I would reccommend self-defense classes if it would make her feel better, but like everyone else has commented, weapons usually backfire against you if you're put into a violent or dangerous situation. In some places carrying things like that (even pepperspray) is illegal, so you wouldn't want your friend getting into trouble with that.

I hope it's all rectified by the police soon if it's as serious as you're making it seem. Unfortunately if this was a child being stalked the police force response would be a LOT different. If this is actually seriously affecting your friend's well-being, she may want to seek therapy or a group she can join to recieve help with the mental effects stalking has on it's victims.


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## Thompson_JM (4 Aug 2010)

Apparently she ended up giving this individual personal information while they were under the Guise of an insurance Agent of some sort....

She was probabbly like most 19 year olds now a days.... naive and not expecting something like this... was it a poor choice to give out personal info so willingly? yes... does she deserve this? no..... 

However, they were harassing her ever half hour on her phone, and were able to either see into her apartment (well above the 18th floor) and were able to know when she was alone and when she wasn't.... 

As stated, she has since moved home (hopefully they don't know where that is.... or find it... ) and has since restricted all her settings on her social networking sites (sadly something that should have been done from the start...) 

As far as phones go, I am not sure if they were getting her on her cell phone, or her home phone (apartment)  I've still advised her it would be a good idea to change her number.

I've also talked with a few Police friends of mine and they have also strongly encouraged her to continue to push this with the police.  But to also ensure to take initiative and keep track of the incidents, what was said, time of calls, etc.... 

obviously they need something they can go on.....

Once again, thank you for all your help in this.  Hopefully this can be resolved, and she can get back on with her life....


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## EastVan (13 Sep 2010)

As far as self defense classes go, Krav Maga is where it's at. It's the official defense system of the Isreali army.

My instructor always says 'Learn it today, use it tonight'.


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## Kat Stevens (13 Sep 2010)

As far as self defense classes go, I'll take Ka-Ching-Pow-Pow over Krav any day.


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