The war as seen from the other side......heh

[a_majoor]

Just insanely funny!

http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/2006/04/i_hate_email.html

Iowahawk Guest Commentary
by Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi
Senior VP, Al-Qaeda In Iraq

Word up whitebread, how you livin'?

Yeah, I been gettin' all your email haterade. All y'all infidels be texting and emailing, and it's all like "yo Zarks where u at? Al Qaeda cut off your TypePad account? LOL!!!"

Hey cuz, act like you know. Like the Zarkman got time to be blogging this bitch with the Q1 decapitation reports overdue, and Fatima all up in my grille wantin’ money for the kids' summer martyr camp, and Team Satan sendin’ another crew of laser-guided "downsizing consultants" every freaking day.

Fo real, you think Zarkman got time to play penpal with you chumps? Cracka, every damn morning I got an Outlook inbox full of fresh steaming dung to deal with. Meeting notices from Zawahiri. Overdue notices from the IED suppliers. Ads for Hoodia and boner pills. Six different NCAA pools. Then there's the tardmail from my Daily Kos fanboys:

  Hey Zarkman!
    OMG u r teh ROXOR!  Its like u r total Che Guervera and Fidel and Malcom X plus System of a Down!! Good luck against the Zionist    neocon occupiers!!!! Ya,, SCREW those mercenaries!!! Everybody here at UCLA Ed school thinks u r total l33t HARDCORE!!!

    Fight teh POWER bro!!!

    Dr. Peter McLaren
    Professor, Graduate School of Education
    University of California at Los Angeles

    PS - check out this awesome flash movie!!! Its Bush turning into a fukkin nazi monkey!!!! LOL!!!!

Yep. Welcome to my fan base, sunshine. Go ahead and yuk it up, but imagine how depressing this shit gets. I used to have MS Outlook filter out ".edu" emails, but Zawahiri made a new policy that we have to answer them. "Good PR, good for recruiting and fundraising," or some goatshit like that. Okay, Zarkman's a team player:

    Dear Professor Pete:

    Great to hear from a fellow revolutionary in the struggle against occupation! As you have probably read at Indymedia and the LA Times, we have Halliburton's illegal imperialist oil mercenaries totally demoralized and on the run! Still, every little bit helps. Please show your support with a contribution to the Al Qaeda in Iraq Tip Jar. Your generous donation ensures that our boys have the Qurans and scimitars and dynamite belts they need to finish the job. We accept PayPal, and payroll donations are matched by the University of California System!

    Also, with semester break coming up, why not join us here in the sunny Mideast for a fun and educational summer of fighting the demoralized Zionist military in person? Our trained staff can help you and your graduate students make the travel arrangements. And if necessary, contact your next of kin. Act now, because Paradise awaits, and spaces are filling up fast!

    See you in Fallujah,

    Zarkman

What’s that Pete? No thanks? You’re busy shampooing your fabulous flowing Fabio ‘do?  Yeah, I thought so, bitch.

I’m serious, why does Zawahiri insist on making nice with these infidel college dickslaps? Okay, so a few dhimmis throw us a few bucks every month. But Holy fucking Prophet, otherwise they’re as useless as tits on an Imam. “Sorry, Zarkman, can’t help you with the wiring diagrams, my Ph.D. is in deconstructivist semiotics,” whatever the fuck that means. I mean, holy dung, how do these motards chew gum and protest march at the same time? And the ones that actually do get over here never want to volunteer for anything other than being a stupid hostage, and then they start whining for vegan meals and high-speed internet, and then they get all pissy and crying when you actually cut off one of the other’s heads. Helloooooo, Moby McMoonbeam: that’s what you fucking hostages are for. Shit, I swear the only victory we’ve had lately is when Team Satan came and took those Unitarian peace creeps off our hands. Your problem now, dawg.

Yeah, email. I gets me lots and lots of email. Like the two dozen daily spaz-o-grams from those loveable choads I call my direct reports. Questions about the new $50 funeral copay, leave requests, desertion reports on the French twats. Want a taste? Here’s one I got yesterday:

    TO: A Zarqawi
    FROM: M Abdulraman
    SUBJECT: RE: School Bombing Status

    Per your request, I investigated lack-of-detonation problem with martyr school attack wave yesterday. Likely cause is C-6 wire, incompatible with 2.3.0 version of InfidelBlaster switch. Or possible electrical short due to urine.

    Please advise on next steps.

    M Abdulraman
    Al Qaeda in Iraq IT Services

Guess what? These are the literate ones.

    TO: M Abdulraman
    FROM: A Zarqawi
    SUBJECT: RE: School Bombing Status

    I didn’t ask you for a bunch of goddamn geek jargon, I asked you to FIX IT.  Now turn off the Star Trek reruns and get to work if you don’t want a transfer to Martyr Dept.

Three minutes later:

    TO: All School Bombing Martyr Associates
    FROM: M Abdulraman
    CC: A Zarqawi
    SUBJECT: Equipment upgrade

    Please bring your belts and detonators to IT Services Shed at 4 PM for upgrade to version 2.4 of InfidelBlaster. This meeting is mandatory, and your cooperation is appreciated.

    M Abdulrahman
    Al Qaeda in Iraq IT Services

After the IT Services Shed vaporized at 4:06 PM, I’m thinking maybe it’s about fucking time for a jihadi brain upgrade.

Yep, just a small slice of the big shit falafel Zarkman has to eat every. fucking. day. And for dessert: an inbox of fragrant turdograms from the big boss man, Mister 6-Sigma PowerPoint Buzzword Bingo hisself, Zawa-frickin-hiri.

    TO: A Zarqawi
    FROM: A Zawahiri
    SUBJECT: Q1 Performance Review

    Please join me in Conference Hut C after noon prayers for a candid review of your Q1 performance results versus ISO 700 caliphate objectives, and to level-set for go-forward leadership growth.

    Sincerely,

    Ayman Zawahiri
    Executive VP for Strategic Foresight
    Al Qaeda in Iraq

    “Solutions Systems for the 8th Century”

Now understand, normally this clueless fuck is incapable of writing a memo less than 12 pages long, which go straight to my delete folder. A message this short? Now my Zarky-sense is pegging the bad-news-o-meter.  I grabbed a pile of my project folders and headed for the conference room, and the crapstorm commenced before my ass hit the carpet.

“Abu, as you know, AQI is all about creating a scalable paradigm for enabling global caliphate,” he says. “But lately, I have been concerned that we’ve had some performance leakage in our Total Quality Jihad plan.”

Okay, maybe I don’t have a fancy ass Master of Martyr Administration from Damascus Tech, but I saw where this shit was going.

“Well, Ayman, sure, we’ve had a couple of tough quarters, but if you look at these clippings from the infidel press and TV, you can see we are still in a net positive PR situation, and... “

“How many associates did we lose in Q1?”

Fuck. Since when does he start asking direct questions? I start fumbling around with my folders.

“I’ll tell you Abu. 1,256.”  And then he’s off to the races, with a 45 minute firehose of PowerPoints and Excel pie charts detailing every mosque bombing screwup, every wipeout with Team Satan, every stupid Iraqi anti-Al Qaeda protest.

“At the end of the day, Abu, the AQ family needs to deploy our resources for maximum Return-on-Jihad,” he says. Then he drops the bomb: “It’s time we think about right-sizing the organization vis-à-vis the Baghdad Region.”

Oh, dandy. He says we can accomplish it through attrition, but now it looks like I’m going to have to start emailing pink slips AND condolence letters. I’m not even sure how safe my own damn job is. I was gonna call Fatima and my other babies’ mamas and tell ‘em to cancel the family Mecca trip, but that’d just buy me a week of nonstop nagging.

And to top it all off, guess who just showed up at the back door? You got it. Those kuffar peace creeps, volunteering for hostage duty again. I’m totally curious: how come all those badass hard muthafuckin’ Wu Tang infidels end up on Team Satan, and Zarkman gets stuck with the dipshits too stoned to tune their stupid guitars?

So whuzzup wit me? Same shit, different day, and if you peckerwood email haters expect a personal reply, you can kiss my fat shrapneled Jordanian ass. I hate email, and wouldn’t use it at all if I didn’t think that Nazi Bush was tapping my phone.

Anyhoo, gotta close soon. I’m updating my resume, plus Khalid says Team Satan is on local patrol. If you see any good openings on Monster.com, let me know, especially if it has a good medical plan.

Peace Out

Zarks

 

[COBRA-6]

I’m serious, why does Zawahiri insist on making nice with these infidel college dickslaps? Okay, so a few dhimmis throw us a few bucks every month. But Holy fucking Prophet, otherwise they’re as useless as tits on an Imam. “Sorry, Zarkman, can’t help you with the wiring diagrams, my Ph.D. is in deconstructivist semiotics,” whatever the fuck that means. I mean, holy dung, how do these motards chew gum and protest march at the same time? And the ones that actually do get over here never want to volunteer for anything other than being a stupid hostage, and then they start whining for vegan meals and high-speed internet, and then they get all pissy and crying when you actually cut off one of the other’s heads. Helloooooo, Moby McMoonbeam: that’s what you fucking hostages are for. Shit, I swear the only victory we’ve had lately is when Team Satan came and took those Unitarian peace creeps off our hands. Your problem now, dawg.

Oh fuck me, that's priceless!  :rofl:

 

[Centurian1985]

Excellent!

I look forward to more rants from Team AQI IT Services!  ;D

 

[zipperhead_cop]

Another gem from that site:

Holy dung, like I don’t have enough of my own local idiots to put up with. Do you realize how hard it is to find decent jihad recruits when you're taking fire from infidels and Iraqis? Cripes, you should have seen the collection of numbnuts and  droolers on the short bus from Saudi yesterday. Good Allah, I swear the only way we’re ever gonna turn these morons into martyrs is to plant detonation buttons inside their nostrils.

http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/2005/07/stop_comparing_.html

All pure gold.  ;D

 

[a_majoor]

Iowahawk is at it again, he has has somehow acquired the first draft of the famously importunate letter to George Bush by Mahmood Ahmadi-Najad, the president of Iran.:

http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/2006/05/post.html

Mr George Bush, President of the United States of America:

For sometime now I have been thinking, how one can justify the undeniable contradictions that exist in the international steel cage octagon of idea-thinkings? Here in which are being constantly debated, specially in political forums and amongst university students. Many questions remain unanswered, and there are many important midterms coming up! These thinkings and contradictions and debations have given me many important headaches. I am telling you this the hopes that it might bring about an opportunity to redress them, and in hopes that you have some Tylenol II.

Can one be a follower of Jesus Christ (PBUH), the great Messenger of God,

Feel obliged to go to the pancake breakfast at the Jesus (PBUH) mosque,

And also Bingo Nites,

Announce one’s opposition to the proliferation of nuclear weapons and WMDs,

Make “War and Terror” into catchy advertising jingle,

And finally, Work towards the establishment of a unified international community – a community which will be governed by Christ and the virtuous Hidden 11th Imam, but only after they recombine as MegaMessenger to do final battle with the diabolical MechaJew.

But at the same time, make crusader attackings on countries; taking their lives and going into villages and homes and mosques to steal cherished family collections of IEDs?

Do not answer! This is a rhetorical question, and I am not finished.

At what price this crusade? Hundreds of billions of dollars spent from the treasury of one country, that could be used to fund totally underfunded muppet program on PBS. Also tens of thousands of young men and women – as occupation crusaders – put in harms way, go crazy with their hands stained with the blood of others, go to infidel M*A*S*H* for craziness problem, and comical villain doctor Frank Burns tries to stop BJ and Hawkeye from sending them back home to their grieving families.

Of course Saddam was a murderous dictator. Hey nobody is perfect. But the war was not waged to topple him, the announced goal of the war was to find and destroy weapons of mass destruction, but the unfound weapons of destruction that did not exist were never found, or destroyed. This is when the you said war was about "democracy" and started silencing dissident comical man Steven Colbert. NO BLOOD FOR OIL!

Mr President, You might know that I am a teacher, and former leader of Tehran NEA. My students ask me how can theses actions be reconciled with the values of Jesus Christ (PBUH), the Messenger of peace and forgiveness. They also ask me if this will be on the exam, and if they can self-flagellate for extra credit. It gets very annoying.

But anyhoo, there are prisoners in Guantanamo Bay that have not been tried, have no legal representation, no access to their families or cell phones or scimitars. Infidels splash pee pee on their Holy Q'urans. How would you like it if ungloved strangers splashed pee pee on the holy word of your God, hmm??  You would totally riot and go to UN Rights and Blasphemy Commission, and don't deny it man.

European investigators have confirmed the existence of secret prisons in Europe too, and also secret alien prisons in Roswell New Mexico. I fail to understand how secret prisons for followers of Allah and his Messenger (PBUH), be they terrestrial and extraterrestrial, correspond to the values of Jesus Christ (PBUH), liberal values, and carbon-based lifeform rights. Not to change the subject, but did the intergalactic Muslims mention how they face Mecca on their planets? That one's always stumped me.

Young people, university students and ordinary people also have many questions about the phenomenon of Israel. I am sure you are familiar with some of them. Questions like, "why does not this country 'Israel' appear on the old documents and globes, or new United Nations maps?" And, "can I take the makeup Israel quiz? It is pledge night at the Mahdi Martyr Mahdi house."

I tell them to study the history of WWI and II. One of my students told me that after WWII, the crafty Jews claimed that six million Jews had been killed, but it was part of a Jew scheme to Jew the life insurance company. This student totally busted the grade curve, and later scored a 1600 on his Paradise Admissions Test.

Again let us go crazy here and fantasize that these events are true. Does that logically translate into the establishment of the state of Israel in the Middle East, building their humiliating Jew pizza parlors right next to the faithful?

Mr President, I am sure you and your crafty neocon accountants know at what cost Israel was established:

- Many thousands were killed in the process.

- Millions of indigenous people were made refugees.

- Whiny tourist ladies from Miami with big sunglasses.

This tragedy has been ongoing for sixty years now.

Another big question asked by people is why is this regime being supported?

Another big question asked is: how many licks does this Zionist regime take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, which has been flavored with the blood of Palestinian infants? The answer is "three," because the Zionist will cheat and bite right into to the delicious blood filling.

The newly elected Palestinian administration recently took office, and is now ordering the needed office equipments such as copiers and Successories posters and national defense martyr belts. Unbelievefully, the Israel regime have put the elected government under pressure and not given it money for toner cartridges and rifle scopes.

Mr President, As you are well aware, I live amongst the people and am in constant contact with them -- many people from around the Middle East manage to contact me as well. Because of this constant people-contacting, I have learned that the people are angry. I have also learned to use anti-bacterial lotions before the contacting, but I will continue to be in people contact because I am basically a "people person."

Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, the question thing. Sorry.

Why is it that any technological and scientific achievement reached in the Middle East regions is translated into and portrayed as a threat to the Zionist regime? It is an interesting question, but after the technological achievements wipe the Zionist regime off the map, it will be probably a moot question.

Here is another question: have you ever tried repeating "Ahmadinejad" quickly? Ahmadinejad Ahmadinejad Ahmadinejad Ahmadinejad Ahmadinejad Ahmadinejad. Go ahead, it is fun.

Mr President, Don’t Latin Americans have the right to ask, why their elected governments are being opposed and coup leaders supported? By the way, what ever happened to Ricky Martin? He seemed kind of big there for a while.

The people of Africa are hardworking, creative and talented. And, as we all know, very good dancers. Why do you oppose the rights of these talented dancing Africans, throughout Somalia, to put their talents to work in submission to their merciful Islamic owners?

The brave and faithful people of Iran too have many questions and grievances, including: the coup d’etat of 1953, whiny Embassy hostages who always complain of tight blindfolds, support for Saddam in the war waged against Iran, cut-rate outlets like Ikea destroying Persian rug business, increasing threats vis-à-vis the scientific and nuclear progress of the Iranian nation, and many other grievances that I are slipping my mind right now because I am trying to cut down on the caffeine.

Mr President, September Eleven was a horrendous incident, especially that classic "My Pet Goat" scene in Michael Moore's brilliant Oscar-nominated Farenheit 911. Reportedly your government employs extensive security, and has many top-notch airport agents wearing smart blue blazers and gray slacks. September eleven was not a simple operation. Could it be planned and executed without help of these intelligence and security services? Inside job, Mr President dude!!! Busted!!!

American citizen lived in constant fear of fresh attacks that could come at any moment and in any place. They felt insecure in the streets,and fret about relationships of Bennifer and Branjolena. Why was the media, instead of conveying peace of mind about Kevin and Brittney, giving rise to a feeling of insecurity?

Some believe insiders manipulated the Star and Enquirer to hype the way – and was the justification – for an attack on Afghanistan, and destroy the once-beautiful thing between Brad and Jennifer.

Will the truth not be lost in such a contrive and deceptive climate?  Is Brittney really pregnant again?

As your Excellency is aware, in some states of your country, people are living in poverty. The facts are right there on DKos, Excellency-dude.

Many thousands are homeless and SuperDome Katrina flood-cannibalism is a huge problem. With these conditions in mind, why do you risk sinking Gallup polls over stupid Zionist regime?

Here are some other ideas questions I have been thinking about:

Did you know "RACE CAR" is the same spelled forwards and backwards? Sadly, this is not true in Farsi.

Why does Allah command us to grow beards, but shave our "junk"?  Talk about crazy razor burn!

Are you pleased with the current condition of the world?

    ___Yes ___No ___Not Sure

Do you like my beard? Be honest. I think it adds 10 years, so I have been seriously thinking about a trim.

The twin whore daughters of yours: do you suspect they might secretly have a thing for swarthy mature men?

The whole Jew race, I mean, how long is that bullcrap going to go on?

Mr President, I am just throwing it out there, and it is not my intention to harsh the international mellow. According to divine verses, we have all been called upon to follow the teachings of divine prophets:

"Ina godda davida baby, don't you know that I'm loving you"

“Ooo ee oo ah ah, wing bang walla walla bing bang"

“And in this ever-changing world in which we live in, makes you give up and cry, LIVE AND LET DIE"

The day will come when all humans will congregate before the court of the Almighty, so that their deeds are examined. I have talked it over with the top theological experts, and believe me Mr President dude you do not want to have Jew-helping on your divine resume.

This day of Judgment is coming soon, as has been revealed to me by the divine voice of invisible spirit of the Hidden Imam #11-B, whose earthly appearance will herald the glorious annihilation of this impure world of lust and debauchery and ungodliness as Allah casts the unbelievers into the eternal sea of agony.

Here are a couple other quick Hidden Imam factoids: his name is Chuck and he really enjoys Raisinettes.

Instead of your current course, Mr President, do you not think you should join us in making the way for peace, friendship and the hidden Imam? There will be many pleasures in the rapidly-approaching world to come, which you too can enjoy - sexy doe-eyed virgins, raisins, dates, Raisinettes, Date-ettes, free Cinemax.

So please give me a call. Together we can kill us all, and let God sort us out.

Mekka lekka hi mekka heinie ho,
Mahmood Ahmadi-Najad
President of the Islamic Republic of Iran

 

[zipperhead_cop]

"Why is it that any technological and scientific achievement reached in the Middle East regions is translated into and portrayed as a threat to the Zionist regime? It is an interesting question, but after the technological achievements wipe the Zionist regime off the map, it will be probably a moot question."

"Another big question asked is: how many licks does this Zionist regime take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, which has been flavored with the blood of Palestinian infants? The answer is "three," because the Zionist will cheat and bite right into to the delicious blood filling."

:rofl:

All pure gold.  That guy is an inspired comic. 

 

[a_majoor]

Not quite up to the same standars as Iowahawk, but still pretty good:

http://corner.nationalreview.com/

Dear President Ahmadinejad,

Please forgive this tardy response to your letter of early May.  We did not reply at first because we doubted the letter’s authenticity.  We suspected that someone was trying to play a trick on you.  The discourse, you must admit, is unusual for a communication between heads of state.  However, now that you have openly admitted that the letter is yours, I will respond.

Thank you for your invitation to accept Islam.  As you know, I am a Christian.  Throughout your letter you accuse me of being a bad Christian, which leaves me puzzled as to why you think I might make a good Muslim.  However, before you proselytize outside your own country, you might want to address the condition of the Islamic faith in Iran.

I am genuinely sorry to hear that so many Iranians, especially the young, have lost their faith because of their profound disillusionment with theocratic clerical rule.  Apparently, there is no way for them to distinguish between their religion and your rule.  That is understandable since you claim there is none, that your authority comes directly from God and you are ruling in his name.  It is no wonder you disdain “liberalism and Western style democracy.”  Under it, you would be answerable not only to God, but to the Iranian people, to whom God gave certain “unalienable Rights” that you and the mullahs have chosen to ignore.  How ironic that, in the name of God, you deny your people’s God-given rights.

When young Iranians survey the way in which the clerical regime has enriched itself and impoverished the country, and enforced its rule with such harshness, what are they to think of this “God” who rules over them in this way?  As a result, they abandon their religion and, unfortunately, many turn to drugs.

Your answer to the abuses under which the Iranian people live is nuclear “power.”  Since your country is so richly endowed in oil and natural gas reserves, this is a strange answer.  In fact, you so often denounce “lies” in your letter, I am surprised you would engage in such a whopper yourself.  No country has conducted a 20-year clandestine program to develop nuclear power for peaceful domestic uses. The reason is that it is perfectly legal to do so in the open.  In fact, we would support your nuclear power program, if that is what it was. However, as everyone outside of Cuba, Syria and Belarus knows, you are developing nuclear weapons.

You know that we know you are doing this.  In fact, you deliberately exacerbate the free world’s worries with your continued exhortations about wiping Israel off the map.  I understand that your policy of confrontation helps you to consolidate your domestic power and that is why you generate so much tension.  The more likely you can make it seem that Iran will be attacked from the West, the more Iranians will rally around you.  You provoke us.  We respond.  You get stronger.  Since the Iranian people will soon realize we have no intention of attacking them, they will soon weary of this artificial hysteria and begin to wonder why your government fails to provide even the most basic necessities.

We also understand the real reason you want nuclear weapons.  Of course, you have the dream of being the regional hegemon, and the prospect of your having nuclear weapons already terrifies your neighbors.  But you also want them for the same reason as North Korea.  Once you possess nuclear weapons, you believe you will be immune, as is North Korea, from external pressure for domestic political reform.  You can tell the world to take a hike and to leave you in peace to oppress your own people.  This is why Iranians who wish to see a return to genuine democratic, constitutional order despair at the thought of your succeeding.  They know they will be finished, that no one will then dare speak up on their behalf.

So this is not really about nuclear weapons; it is about the rights of the Iranian people – your desire to take them away, and our desire to see them respected.  We don’t worry about Great Britain, or France, or now India, having nuclear weapons, because they are democracies; they are founded on the “unalienable Rights” of their peoples.  People who are free to exercise those rights seldom seek to take them from others.  We, and the rest of the world, are worried because of the nature of your regime, because you deny you own people its rights.  Therefore, we take you seriously when you say you will take rights from others – most especially their unalienable right to life – by “wiping them off the map,” and we see you seeking to obtain the means to do this.

We do not think the Iranian people are going to let you get away with this.  They see their religion prostituted to power and their great culture traduced by fanatic ideologues.  We are on their side.

Thanks for writing.


                                                Sincerely,

                                                George W. Bush



P.S. I attach a copy of the Declaration of Independence.

 

[a_majoor]

Two more:

The protein wisdom interview:  Abu Musab al-Zarqawi: http://www.proteinwisdom.com/index.php/weblog/entry/20511/

Paradise Is Overrated Iowahawk Guest Commentary by Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi Former Senior VP, Al-Qaeda In Iraq:http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/2006/06/paradise_blows.html