Anyone face this problem Re : wife & trade

[Roy Harding]

Roy:

When I saw the topic title and then your reply, all I could think was someone has a problem in trading his wife for what?  Then why would he have more luck if he brought her 'here'.  The old joke: "I got a new car for my wife."  "Nice trade." ;D

...

Frostnipped Elf:

I always suspected you were warped.  Now I know 

For the original poster:

I've been married for 27 years, and I was with the same girl for three years prior.  For 25 of those years, I was in the military.  We made some really stupid decisions in that time - but the dumbest ones were made after I "prevaricated" when speaking to my wife.  She helped to make a decision based upon the half-truths I told her, which she accepted as complete truths.  It's not a great way to run a marriage - she needs to know EXACTLY what it is that you're planning to do. 

If she can't accept what you're planning - then you've got a decision to make.  If you lie (even a lie of omission) to her now, and she figures it out later (and she will) - then SHE'll have a decision to make - and you may not like it.

Best wishes to BOTH of you - if you're REALLY lucky (and honest) - she'll still be there after you retire.

 

[RTaylor]

We've been together for nearly 12 years, married for over 6 now so we're not going to divorce for any reason less than me cheating on her. I think what Im going to do is promise her I'll consider a remuster or take a commission in a few years and when I go to swear in I'll have one of the people there speak to her.

 

[geo]

RT,
Discussion and honesty is always the best formula for success.
Bringing DH here for a chat is one possibility for her to "clear the air" of rumours & inuendos...
Bringing her down to the Recruiting centre for a sit down with some of the staff is another.  She can voice her concerns and some of the people currently in the CF, currently in the trade, might be able to calm her fears & make a believer out of her.

Good luck!

 

[Toddies Girl]

From the perspective of a military wife: Yeah it sometimes sucks no matter what trade your husband is. Sometimes they are away more then they are home. But you make friends with other wives in the same situation, you work and take care of your kids and it fills up the time. You have to have your own life and not worry every minute of everyday about something bad happening. When they are deployed you get together with those wives that are in the same situation, you drink wine and bitch and cry and the next day you get up and get on with it. It can be a great life if you want it to be. It's what you make of it.
Cheers!

 

[sgf]

I agree totally GeoWife, and a couple has to go into this with both eyes wide open. Honesty is the answer. Dont try to white wash things, and pretend that you will be home more than you wont be. Spouse and family are way more important than the military ever will be.

 

[SprCForr]

We made some really stupid decisions in that time - but the dumbest ones were made after I "prevaricated" when speaking to my wife.  She helped to make a decision based upon the half-truths I told her, which she accepted as complete truths.  It's not a great way to run a marriage - she needs to know EXACTLY what it is that you're planning to do. 

If she can't accept what you're planning - then you've got a decision to make.  If you lie (even a lie of omission) to her now, and she figures it out later (and she will) - then SHE'll have a decision to make - and you may not like it.

Discussion and honesty is always the best formula for success.

Following those quotes above kept my marriage intact as well.

By keeping your wife in the loop and telling her what you want to accomplish will allow her to help as opposed to spectate. So...

Bring her here.

Definately.

Beware of the potential minefield you may inadvertently create:

I think what Im going to do is promise her I'll consider a remuster or take a commission in a few years and when I go to swear in I'll have one of the people there speak to her.

If she get's the impression it's a "deal" and it turns out for naught, there may be a feeling of resentment if it doesn't happen.

 

[GIJoes doll]

Like many have said before my post HONESTY! I went to the recuiting centre with dh almost everytime he had to go. I asked alot of questions to the poor guy at the front desk when dh was busy doing other stuff.. the poor guy sure did earn his money that day but he told me what I wanted to know. He was very friendly etc. My dh has been gone since Aug. beside Christmas break and when he was home it was a bit different between us but not in a BAD way. Not at all, accually it was soo much better when he came home because we appriciated each other so much more and made the best of the time we had together. I think before the Military days we (I hate to say it ) took each other for granted. NOT NOW thats for sure. Now we realize we don't want to waste a single moment together. Of course I'm anxious to move to our post and its driving me nuts because I want to be with my husband but I've learned alot of patients as well since dh has been in the military. I pray every day for the safety of our Soldiers. I'm not looking forward to his deployment because of "that worry" but on the other hand, he's told me alot of stories of the good stuff that goes on over there and he wants to be apart of it all. How can I deny him that? If I didn't have 2 kids to take care of I'd probably would join myself. The Capt in the interview asked what I did and dh told him I drove trucks and busses and the Capt gave him a sheet for me lol.  ;D  

 

[Toddies Girl]

GIJoes Doll.......I have two kids to take care of and I am leaving for basic this weekend. I'm tired of standing on the sidelines. It's his turn to stay home for a while! If there is a will there is a way.

 

[GIJoes doll]

GeoWife

~You Go Girl~
I guess I was raised the old fashion way. My Gram had 12 kids and she stayed home to raise the kids, My mom had 3 kids and stayed home to raise the kids. I have 2 kids and I have a part time job driving but I can take my little one with me to work. It works out perfect for me.  From what dh has been threw with basic, here's what I say to you... give it your all and DON'T GIVE UP. They tempted dh with the VR slip so many times ...don't sign it cause they can't kill you ... they may try lol but just don't give up. Best of luck to you!!!

 

[geo]

I should point out that, over time, the CF has adapted to the increased OPTEMPO and the strain it places on the family unit.  Each Area service unit (ASU) has created a Military Family Resource Centre on bases http://www.forces.ca/v3/engraph/resources/familyservices_en.aspx?bhcp=1.  The cenres offer, amongst other things, the following services:
+ Welcoming package or visit
+ Childcare Programs
+ Emergency Child Care Services
+ Children's activities
+ Youth Services and Activities
+ Family Activities
+ Employment Assistance Services (Spouse & Youth)
+ Second Language Training
+ Educational Resources
+ Workshops
+ Counselling Services
+ Deployment Support
+ Family Separation & Reunion Services
+ Special Events
+ Groups, associations and clubs
+ Volunteer Opportunities

Ultimately, it will be a decision that is to be made by the two of you.  Talk, discuss, be very honest about your feelings,  listen very carefuly & read the body language.... it'll pay off in the end.

 

[RTaylor]

We've been looking at all that stuff, its good info and might be an idea to have her chat with the fine folks about my trade choice

 

[Roy Harding]

We've been together for nearly 12 years, married for over 6 now so we're not going to divorce for any reason less than me cheating on her. I think what Im going to do is promise her I'll consider a remuster or take a commission in a few years and when I go to swear in I'll have one of the people there speak to her.

I realize this post is a couple of days old - but I've been thinking about it.

In my own marriage (and those of friends) the years between 14 and 25 married were the most fraught with peril.  Lots of reasons for it - time of life (middle age), complacency, familiarity - lots of stuff.  Looking back, I think I was a bit of a jerk - I took her for granted.  "We've been married now for 15, 16, 17 (put your own number here) now - what could go wrong?"

In our case - nothing DID go wrong - luck, pure luck.

All I'm saying is don't take her, or her acceptance of your decisions for granted - thar be dragons there.

 

[ENGINEERS WIFE]

RT, as the wife of a combat engineer for the past 13 yrs(man, I feel old, I have been reading  with interest.  It can be a dangerous job, but you will get so much training by other great engineers, that for me it has never really been a huge worry.  On the other, hand if you were, say, a payroll clerk and sent out to do an engineers job , well, maybe then I would worry.  When I tell civi's what his job entails they wonder how could I "let" him do that job.  Not that I have a choice  Engineers might do a dangerous job, but are not normally huge risktakers.  And since, by the sounds of it, you have a good marriage, and she has trust in you and your abilities and hopefully your good judgement.  Which I assume you have some since you are going to be an engineer! And if she has anymore concerns feel free to as away!  Good luck, Robin

 

[GUNS]

RT, half of your problem is solved, your wife supports you joining. Talk out the other half with your wife.

My son is a Combat Engineer and he loves it and I supported his decision to become a Combat Engineer.

This support is from a Father who was a Gunner, who's Grandfather was a Gunner and his Great Grandfather was a Navel Gunner.

I had hoped he would  follow in the foot steps but he wanted to be a Combat Engineer. Its a Honorable trade and I am sure you will do it proud.

 

[RTaylor]

I will admit that my wife is pretty amazing, pretty hard to find a girl like her and alot of my friends are jealous lol.

We got it down to me joining as a Combat Engineer and seeing how things go. At least this will give me a taste of it and her a feel as to what it'll be like for hte next 20years (unless I get a instructor position or something, that'd be cool).

So Im set for at least 2-3 years hehe, who knows, maybe the urge to be a combat engineer will leave my system and I'll want to remuster.

 

[X-mo-1979]

Dude if your already thinking of a remuster,your gonna be one bitter bitter cpl. ;D

 

[aesop081]

(unless I get a instructor position or something, that'd be cool).

It might be "cool" but its no cakewalk either. I was very busy as an instructor. Very early mornings, late nights and time in the field. I often spent more time with the students than i did with my kids and it took its toll.

You didnt know what life as a sapper was like, dont pretend to know what life as an instructor is like.

 

[geo]

RT.... 20years?

Methinks you have that wrong.  Current pension packages are based on 25 yrs....

 

[RTaylor]

It might be "cool" but its no cakewalk either. I was very busy as an instructor. Very early mornings, late nights and time in the field. I often spent more time with the students than i did with my kids and it took its toll.

You didnt know what life as a sapper was like, dont pretend to know what life as an instructor is like.

CDN Aviator, I am aware of what instructors do as Im not retarded, it's 100% common sense that if they are awake coming into your room tossing some arty sims to wake you up (yes I have had this done many times, fun fun fun) then they've already been up for about 30 minutes, and since they are with you all day until you go to bed then, well now, I think it's prudent to say that their day doesn't end until yours does, and even then it may be longer if they have paper work. Don't think that because Im a civilian I'm in the dark.

I've worked with handicapped kids for several years in the public educational system developing programs to learning, correcting papers, etc, trying to get things done, so I know what goes on in an instructor position (maybe not military but definitely civilian). You haven't seen nothing until the government has mandated that your student has to know X material or be able to do Y activitiy or you lose your job. Pretty horrid situation I'll tell you, but I enjoyed it immensely. Being an instructor has always been something I've really enjoyed and I can pretty well tell you that being in any instructor is basically the same, it just depends on where you're instructing.

And I didn't say I didn't know what being a combat engineer would be about, what I said in the OP was that my wife was hearing a bunch of stuff from a load of disgruntled fear mongers. I didn't join the forces on a whim nor pick my trade from a hat full of random choices, I did the research, asked questions and so on. I was in the reserves for 2 years and I've seen enough to give me a few clues and many people here through PM's and chats have answered alot of questions for me to fill in the blanks.

I have an appointment on the 28th in Halifax for my medical so when Im up there Im going to see if my wife can speak to someone about what life is going to be like (besides her aunt who was married to a weapons tech for 22 years who was about the only one who said not to listen to others).

And yeah Geo..forgot its 25 years now, I think that's a recent change since 3 or so years ago when I was going to sign up it was still 20 (changed my mind for whatever reason). Still sounds better than the alternatives.

 

[Roy Harding]

CDN Aviator, I am aware of what instructors do as Im not retarded, it's 100% common sense that if they are awake coming into your room tossing some arty sims to wake you up (yes I have had this done many times, fun fun fun) then they've already been up for about 30 minutes, and since they are with you all day until you go to bed then, well now, I think it's prudent to say that their day doesn't end until yours does, and even then it may be longer if they have paper work. Don't think that because Im a civilian I'm in the dark.

I've worked with handicapped kids for several years in the public educational system developing programs to learning, correcting papers, etc, trying to get things done, so I know what goes on in an instructor position (maybe not military but definitely civilian). You haven't seen nothing until the government has mandated that your student has to know X material or be able to do Y activitiy or you lose your job. Pretty horrid situation I'll tell you, but I enjoyed it immensely. Being an instructor has always been something I've really enjoyed and I can pretty well tell you that being in any instructor is basically the same, it just depends on where you're instructing.

And I didn't say I didn't know what being a combat engineer would be about, what I said in the OP was that my wife was hearing a bunch of stuff from a load of disgruntled fear mongers. I didn't join the forces on a whim nor pick my trade from a hat full of random choices, I did the research, asked questions and so on. I was in the reserves for 2 years and I've seen enough to give me a few clues and many people here through PM's and chats have answered alot of questions for me to fill in the blanks.

I have an appointment on the 28th in Halifax for my medical so when Im up there Im going to see if my wife can speak to someone about what life is going to be like (besides her aunt who was married to a weapons tech for 22 years who was about the only one who said not to listen to others).

And yeah Geo..forgot its 25 years now, I think that's a recent change since 3 or so years ago when I was going to sign up it was still 20 (changed my mind for whatever reason). Still sounds better than the alternatives.

RTaylor:

You're becoming argumentative, now.

Just get on with it and let us know how you make out.