Applying for ROTP question/advice

[57Chevy]

I am glad to see that you were unable to make any further amendments.

Showing new revisions to your initial post would help others
who may be writing similar entrance essays.

 

[ballz]

Much better, biggest suggestion would be to add some hard evidence to support your claims in paragraph's 2, 3, and 4, even if it's just a quote by someone notable about leadership that applies to your argument. It's better, for example, if Winston Churchill or George Washington of Sun Tzu has already had something to say on the topic, than just you saying it.

EDIT to add another critique:

I wish to pursue a challenging career with the Canadian Forces, in a leadership role. In order to do this I will need to complete university. If given the choice of attending the Royal Military College or a civilian university I would chose to attend the Royal Military College (Kingston) for many important reasons. The environment alone provides many beneficial skills for an Armed Forces officer. Pursuing an education at the Royal Military College of Canada will also give me the best possible education in order to have a long career Canadian Forces. Not to mention the fact that attending school with the people you may very well serve with provides a level of camaraderie not offered by civilian institutions. These traits provide the best possible training ground for an aspiring officer.There are other universities that can offer an education. Unfortunately, none of them really offer the kind of educational experience that I could have at the Royal Military College. They can't prepare me for a military career in the same manner.

Still playing with some informal speech patterns though. Tour goal here is to communicate clearly and concisely, and while it's good if to come across as intelligent, it is your arguments and the facts you use to prove them that will achieve that.

Don't use ten words when five will do, and don't use five if you can get it down to three. Instead of "not to mention the fact that," you could have used "not to mention that," (that is still informal of course, but see how you added unnecessary words?), and even better would be a simple "Also, ..." See how I just turned six words into one, and now your actual point makes up a much larger portion of the sentence (which means the reader isn't sifting through a bunch of meaningless babble).

"Not to mention the fact that attending school with the people you may very well serve with provides a level of camaraderie not offered by civilian institutions."

vs.

"Also, attending school with people you will serve with provides a high level of camaraderie not offered elsewhere."

 

[monkey-leader]

Thanks. I will try to find some relevant material outside of the RCM information, thats a great idea.

 

[TangoTwoBravo]

In order to successfully lead, certain leadership tools and abilities are required. The military side of the Royal Military College developes these through practical training and exercises. Many skills obtained through drill, shooting, ceremony and other military exercises are not offered by civilian schools, and these are the type skills used on a regular basis. By attending the Royal Military College you gain an immediate advantage for entry into the military. This advantage should make whatever training I receive upon entry that much more familiar, leaving more time to work on leading.

If you are in RMC then you have joined the military. You don't go to RMC and then enter into the Canadian Forces. You undergo training in your branch during the summer and at the end of your degree. That Developmental Period 1 (DP1) training you receive is what prepares you for your first assignment. Everyone gets that training. If you are going Infantry, Artillery or Armoured then you will spend summers in Gagetown at the Combat Training Centre learning what you need to know in the company of fellow new officers from all entry programs.

 

[monkey-leader]

True, I've re-phrased the end of that paragraph to reflect this, as well as remove some redundancy. Thanks.

These skills provide an immediate advantage for future military training, leaving more time to work on new material.

 

[monkey-leader]

Alright, I've added 3 quotes and trimmed a bit more. I'm on the fence as to whether I should include the quote by Confucius.

    I wish to pursue a challenging career with the Canadian Forces, in a leadership role. In order to do this I will need to complete university. If given the choice of attending the Royal Military College or a civilian university I would chose to attend the Royal Military College (Kingston) for many important reasons. The environment alone provides many beneficial skills for an Armed Forces officer. Pursuing an education at the Royal Military College of Canada will give me the best possible education in order to have a long career Canadian Forces. Also, attending school with the people you may very well serve with provides a level of camaraderie not offered by civilian institutions. These traits provide the best possible training ground for an aspiring officer.

    In order to successfully lead, certain leadership tools and abilities are required. The military side of the Royal Military College develops these through practical training and exercises. Many skills obtained through drill, shooting, ceremony and other military exercises are not offered by civilian schools, and these are the type skills used on a regular basis. These skills provide an immediate advantage for future military training, leaving more time to work on new material.

Success depends upon previous preparation, and without such preparation there is sure to be failure
Confucius, 551-479 BC​

    The Royal Military College offers the most beneficial program for a Canadian Forces soldier. Choosing Infantry, Armour and Artillery as my choices of military grouping makes the Military & Strategic Studies program a good choice. I did not choose this degree because it is the top rated degree for my chosen groupings. I chose this degree due to the fact that my chosen groupings are potentially very dangerous to the insufficiently prepared individual. Having a background in military strategy would be extremely advantageous over a civilian background in a bad situation.

Even if a man does not have the inborn ability to fight, he can become a warrior by consistently practicing these ways.
The Book of Five Rings , Miyamoto Musashi, 1585-1645​

Military & Strategic Studies is somewhat specialized and is not offered on the eastern seaboard other than at Royal Military College. This makes the Royal Military College the best option in order to pursue this program.

    Camaraderie at the Royal Military College is something that holds value. The strong athletic environment, breeds discipline as well as respect. This kind of environment leads to making good friends. Attending the Royal Military College could mean that the friends made could very well last throughout a career.

In a group in which people have truly bonded, moods and emotions are so contagious that it becomes easy to infect your troops with enthusiasm.
The 33 Strategies of War, Robert Greene, 2006​

While almost every school offers sporting programs, few of the friends you make will end up in the same occupation. This makes the Royal Military College stand out in that aspect.

    There are other universities that can offer an education. Unfortunately, none of them really offer the kind of educational experience that I could have at the Royal Military College. They can't prepare me for a military career in the same manner.

    Looking forward, I see how attending the Royal Military College provides a huge advantage when working in a military environment. Civilian universities are not geared towards the same result. Though attending the Royal Military College is not necessary for the Regular Officer Training Program it does have many advantages over civilian universities. At the end of the day, I only want to be as well prepared as possible for whatever may come. This is why I chose the Royal Military College.


Also, what style of bibliography is standard for the CF?

 

[monkey-leader]

Dear Forum,

Thank you all for your help with my application essay.

I especially appreciate the advice given as to what the Armed Forces expects of me. Your assistance has been invaluable.

Again, thank you so much. I greatly appreciate your generosity.

Best Regards