BF deployed, got posting message for USA. Help!

[switchblades]

First post here, please bear with me!

As the title says, my boyfriend of a little over a year is currently deployed, our first together and my first ever. He returns home in 2 weeks and in the process of talking about some issues last week he dropped a huge bomb on me: he is posted to the States and I can't go with him unless we get married right away. We were told a few months ago it would be another year minimum before a posting, and given the insanity that the past few months I have learned that anything can happen.

Anyway, I'm pretty torn over what to do. I'm not ready to get married, but I don't want to split up either. We need to work through some trust issues and such before I am ready for that, and I don't think 3-4 months is enough time. I feel like it is crazy to move to a country I can't work in my field in (I've got two degrees in health services admin - the US is totally different from Canada's system), and I can't find info on the visa process as an unmarried civilian. My family is all here, and I am finishing up my second degree in a few weeks - 8 years of university is a lot to waste when I won't be able to work. Does anyone have any advice, etc? Anyone know anything about working in the States, posting as a girlfriend rather than married couple (I know I will have to pay my own costs).

Just very confused, torn, and feeling pretty alone! We are on our way to some resolution on other things but we are facing a "get married now or break up for good" situation.

 

[RememberanceDay]

IMHO, it's what you said. See if you can work through those trust issues, if you can, and you still want to get married, then great! If you don't want to get married yet, then don't. Long-distance relationships can be great. That's my 2c.

 

[dangles]

First post here, please bear with me!

As the title says, my boyfriend of a little over a year is currently deployed, our first together and my first ever. He returns home in 2 weeks and in the process of talking about some issues last week he dropped a huge bomb on me: he is posted to the States and I can't go with him unless we get married right away. We were told a few months ago it would be another year minimum before a posting, and given the insanity that the past few months I have learned that anything can happen.

Anyway, I'm pretty torn over what to do. I'm not ready to get married, but I don't want to split up either. We need to work through some trust issues and such before I am ready for that, and I don't think 3-4 months is enough time. I feel like it is crazy to move to a country I can't work in my field in (I've got two degrees in health services admin - the US is totally different from Canada's system), and I can't find info on the visa process as an unmarried civilian. My family is all here, and I am finishing up my second degree in a few weeks - 8 years of university is a lot to waste when I won't be able to work. Does anyone have any advice, etc? Anyone know anything about working in the States, posting as a girlfriend rather than married couple (I know I will have to pay my own costs).

Just very confused, torn, and feeling pretty alone! We are on our way to some resolution on other things but we are facing a "get married now or break up for good" situation.

Also I'm not really one to talk about relationships, but I'm relatively sure getting married on an ultimatum is not the best idea. Perhaps RemembranceDay is right; maybe you should try a long-distance relationship. His posting will eventually end and if you were really ready to get married then you should be able to handle the distance.

In the end that's just my opinion, and the choice remains yours to decide what is best for you.

 

[Occam]

IMHO, it's what you said. See if you can work through those trust issues, if you can, and you still want to get married, then great! If you don't want to get married yet, then don't. Long-distance relationships can be great. That's my 2c.

Ah, the overly simplistic life view of a 15 year old. 

I'd offer my opinion as a slightly more jaded and experienced 45 year old, but I'm not terribly familiar with how/if common-law status is recognized in the US, or what the market is for HCA in the US.  I know if you were a RN, you'd be laughing.  ;D

 

[cupper]

From an immigration standpoint, check to see if any of your degrees will qualify under the TN visa requirements. If that is the case, try and find any employment opportunities in that field in the locale.

A TN visa allows certain professionals to work in the US for up to a year. The TN visa is renewable indefinitely. Typically can be processed at the border. Need to provide proof of employment in the US (letter from your emplyer out;line the position, terms of employment etc.), your degree (copies will not be accepted), and passport / proof of citizenship.

See the USCIS site for info.

http://www.uscis.gov/portal/site/uscis/menuitem.eb1d4c2a3e5b9ac89243c6a7543f6d1a/?vgnextoid=bac00b89284a3210VgnVCM100000b92ca60aRCRD&vgnextchannel=bac00b89284a3210VgnVCM100000b92ca60aRCRD

But for what it is worth. You may need to look deeper at your relationship and decide if this is the right move or not.

 

[211RadOp]

Ah, the overly simplistic life view of a 15 year old. 

... but I'm not terribly familiar with how/if common-law status is recognized in the US, ...

A friend of mine was posted to Virginia a few years ago.  The US Gov't did not recognize his Common-Law wife.  They did end up getting married eventually, but his posting screening was messed up for a bit before he decided to go "single".  IIRC, she had to keep renewing her visa for a while before they got married.

 

[Pusser]

On the regulation side, if you get married or have your common-law relationship recognized before your BF's "Change of Strength" (COS) date, then you get to go with him, all expenses paid.  Furthermore, if married, you will be there under a "Status of Forces Agreement" (SOFA) which should allow you to work legally in the US, no visa required.  I'm not sure whether you can work under the SOFA if you're only common-law as that would come down to how the US interprets marriage under the SOFA. 

In order to be declared common-law under CF regulations, you need to have been co-habitating for at least one year.  Keep in mind that any time separated for service reasons (e.g. because he's deployed) counts as co-habitation, but you have to be sharing a home address.

If you get married after the COS date, the expenses to move you to the US are not covered, but they will be to move you back to Canada.

Now, on the more logical, pragmatic side.  If you're not ready to get married, then DON'T.  In my opinion, the emotional and material costs of a failed relationship far outweigh the benefits you will receive by following your BF to the US at this time.  This is not to say that I think your relationship is doomed to failure (only you can answer that question), but if you're not sure, do you really think the risk is worth it?  Keep in mind that foreign postings are not indefinite.  They are generally no more than three years and then he should be back in Canada.  Luckily, the US is close and easy to visit.

Based on what you've said here, my recommendation would be for you to stay in Canada, finish school and then go visit.  Even visit for a few months (you can stay for up to six months as a visitor, but you won't be able to work) and practice living together.  See how it works out.  If you decide later on to get married, you should be able to join him there later.  Just don't rush into anything.  Getting married under pressure seldom goes well.

 

[Rifleman62]

(I've got two degrees in health services admin - the US is totally different from Canada's system), and I can't find info on the visa process as an unmarried civilian. My family is all here, and I am finishing up my second degree in a few weeks - 8 years of university is a lot to waste when I won't be able to work.

Got any work experience?

The word "friend" is mentioned, but I did not see the word "love".

Don't screw up your boyfriends posting/career/life.

That's my .02 cents from forty-three years of marriage.

 

[211RadOp]

In order to be declared common-law under CF regulations, you need to have been co-habitating for at least one year.  Keep in mind that any time separated for service reasons (e.g. because he's deployed) counts as co-habitation, but you have to be sharing a home address.

I challenged the bolded section recently and my Sqn Clk showed me CANFORGEN 8/11 that states, in part:

COMMON-LAW PARTNERSHIP (CLP) IN THE CF
CANFORGEN 008/11 CMP 002/11 191815Z JAN 11
REFS: A. QR AND O 1.075 
B. CMP INSTR 15/06 
C. CANFORGEN 114/09 CMP 050/09 191325Z JUN 09 
D. QR AND O 103 (ART 02, 49, 56, 57, AND 60) 
E. QR AND O 26.02 
1. This CANFORGEN is promulgated to clarify the CF Common Law Partnership (CLP) policy. CLPs are
recognized by the CF for the purpose of gaining access to allowances and benefits.
2. The regulations governing CLP (refs A to C) clearly state that cohabitation is a mandatory criterion that
must be satisfied in order for CLP to be recognized by the CF. It has become apparent that CLP is being
recognized for some CF members who have been in a conjugal relationship for at least 12 months, but who are
not cohabiting (i.e., they are physically apart) at the 12-month mark. IAW ref B, para 4.2, CLP shall only be
recognized at the 12-month mark if the CF member and partner are physically cohabiting. If they are
experiencing an interruption that spans the 12-month mark, they must resume cohabitation for the CLP to be
recognized. A CLP shall not be recognized during the interruption of cohabitation, that is to say, when the
couple is not physically living together, regardless of the reason for the interruption.

I asked for clarification on the bolded part as I know the QR&O and other regulations state what you have said above, and clarification from the Regt Ch Clk said that if they are not living together, now, for the full 12 months they can not declare common-law status.

I don't have a link to the CANFORGEN as I am at home, but here is a link to the Routine Orders from the South Alberta Light Horse were the CANFORGEN is printed in it's entirety.
http://www.salh.net/pdf/SALH_RO_2011_02.pdf

 

[Pusser]

I challenged the bolded section recently and my Sqn Clk showed me CANFORGEN 8/11 that states, in part:
I asked for clarification on the bolded part as I know the QR&O and other regulations state what you have said above, and clarification from the Regt Ch Clk said that if they are not living together, now, for the full 12 months they can not declare common-law status.

I don't have a link to the CANFORGEN as I am at home, but here is a link to the Routine Orders from the South Alberta Light Horse were the CANFORGEN is printed in it's entirety.
http://www.salh.net/pdf/SALH_RO_2011_02.pdf

Your CClk may have it wrong.  What the CANFORGEN says is that a common-law partnership cannot be recognized, while the couple is separated.  This doesn't mean that the relationship does not exist.  It simply means that the CO cannot sign the appropriate document recognizing the partnership until the member has returned home and resumed cohabitation.  The time separated for service reasons still counts.  For example:

1)  couple begins cohabitating in January 2012.

2)  member deploys for six months, starting in September 2012  (i.e. nine months later).

3)  couple meets time requirement for common-law status in January 2013 (i.e. at the 12-month mark), but relationship is not recognized because member is deployed and couple is physically separated.

4)  member returns home in March 2013 and resumes cohabitating.  common-law partnership can now be recognized.

Final note of caution:  Just because a CF member CAN do this, does not mean he/she SHOULD.  That is a question that only the couple can answer.

 

[switchblades]

Got any work experience?

The word "friend" is mentioned, but I did not see the word "love".

Don't screw up your boyfriends posting/career/life.

That's my .02 cents from forty-three years of marriage.

Confused as to what you are implying with the "friend" thing, as well as how you are saying I will ruin his life/career/posting. I am not a child, and while I do appreciate your perspective from a long term marriage point of view, there is no need to be condescending.

As for work experience, I have been working as an administrative clerk and receptionist in a healthcare facility for 3 years, plus I've got 8 years customer service and a couple years of childcare work as well.


I don't know that I would qualify under TN visas because my schooling is in health administration and their system is so different. My first degree is in criminology and psychology so that might open up some opportunities.

I am leaning more towards looking into going on my own, or going down on a visitor basis or something. I'm not ready to marry, but I don't want this to be the end of our relationship either. I guess it depends if he is willing to do that as well, he really wants us to get married right away.

 

[The Bread Guy]

I am leaning more towards looking into going on my own, or going down on a visitor basis or something. I'm not ready to marry, but I don't want this to be the end of our relationship either. I guess it depends if he is willing to do that as well, he really wants us to get married right away.

Look at it this way:  if he wasn't going to the U.S. for up to 3 years, would you be willing to marry him?  Right now?  If not, why not?

Only you can answer these questions.