Child Custody and Access

[Keebler]

I am in the process of joining, get sworn in on June 28th.  I more just need to vent and if anyone has any suggestions on how to get through this or if they have been through the same thing or similar thing some feedback would be great. 

Currently my ex and i share joint custody of our son, he goes back and forth a week and a week to each others homes. We have been continuing this since Jan 06.  It has worked well up to this point. 

Recently when i advised my ex that i had accepted a position with the CF and would be headed to Quebec for basic in July, he became very upset. I had created a plan that while i was away, during my time with our son (that had already been worked out as we go a week and a week) my partner for the past 2.5yrs would maintain our household and the childcare of my son.  My ex however, does not agree that our son should stay with my partner for my share of the time. I can understand where he is coming from as he is the father, so while I'm away at basic training i agreed that we could change the plan and our son would stay with my partner every second weekend and anytime his dad had to go away for business. 

He then returned and said that he wants our son 66% of the time and i would drop to 34% of the time after i am back in BC doing my trades course etc.  I had created a plan that would allow my son to stay in school with his dad and visit with me on weekends and holidays etc. It remained 50% each.

Since we could not agree, i sought legal advise and was basically told that because i am joining the military and there is no 100% guarantee that i will be posted to Victoria, that i would most likely loose in a Supreme Court battle which would be costly. 

Victoria is only a 1.5hr ferry ride from where his dad is, so i don't understand why a judge would take our son away from his mother due to that fact. If i ended up getting posted to Halifax, i would have to weigh the options of changing the custody agreement etc. as it is in my sons best interest to stay in BC as all our family is out here. But at this point there is no knowing where i will be posted. 

So now i am weighing the option of whether i am making the right decision. Deep down i know i feel i need to do this, but I'm scared it will be a detrimental to my son and the close relationship we currently have. I don't want him to feel like i abandoned him when i joined the military and gave up custody to his dad.

Are there any other mothers or father out there that have joined the military and experienced this sort of situation?

 

[navymich]

Just to get a bit more background, how old is your son?  And you are currently in the same town as your ex? 

I can't speak on the legal side of the house.  And it is doubtful anyway that there is one clear decision that would be made within the courts, but there might be someone else around here that can tell you a bit more.  But one point on it, and if someone can correct me if I am off base here.  Can you not still have joint custody, but one parent be the primary caregiver?  This situation that has been presented, she shouldn't have to give up custody, should she?  I know that it would involve discussion and agreement with the ex, but presenting calm, logical facts, and figuring out different scenarios, should help through this.

As for the rest:  Separation is not easy, especially when there is a child involved.  If things were perfect, we would all live in sunshine and flowers, and maintain residence in the same city as our ex's, and be all smiles as we move the kid(s) back and forth.  But I hope that you didn't assume all of that when you split.  You say your ex is away on business at times, he must realize that he won't always see his son, and even if you didn't join the CF, it doesn't mean that you will forever live in the same place.  I know it's not easy having to be away from your child, but you need to accept the fact that it isn't always going to be possible to have the perfect little family.  It will only be detrimental to your son and your relationship with him if you let it be.

 

[Keebler]

My son is 5yrs old, starts kindergarten in Sept 2007.  We currently only live about 8kms away from each other.

You make a good point with saying that even if i didnt join the forces i would or could move at some point as could he.  I have thought about the idea of not joining, but i had already put that on hold due to his age and felt that he was ready for it now. At least as ready as seperation from me could be anyways.  I have always wanted to join the CF and not following through earlier in my life has been a regret, but one i had to manage as life happened.  Thats why this time, going through the months and months or recruiting and analysis of whether it was the right decision, its the first time i know i made the right decision. I am trying to keep positive and think that no matter the seperation and time away from him, it will eventually be ok and he will be proud of his mom for doing this for our country.

Thanks for your input.

 

[sunflour]

Im going through the same thing as you right now  my son is a little older  (turning 9 in sept)  being away from him to go to basic in st jean was really hard and made harder by me getting sick  then injured which extended my grad date from dec 15 06 till feb 23 07 ... so a tip when getting your son ready for you to be away don't give him a hard and fast date as it might make it harder on him thinking you lied to him if you happen to have an extended stay (hoping you don't)

my ex and I have the week on week off as well and I managed to keep it that way with my son going to my parents or my sisters during "moms weeks" but after Christmas I agreed to let him stay with his dad during the weeks and my son then went to my family on the weekends of my weeks (I had it written up that even tho he would have him more the 50% of the time this could not be used as precedence if we went back to court and that once my training was done we would make up the time I had lost with my son as best we could)

I am not in Trenton on OJT as my QL3's were supposed to start in April got cancelled .. so another delay .. but I was lucky the time I was waiting in Borden for my 3's to start I could go home on weekends as it was only 2 hours away form home.. but once my course got candled I pushed for OJT and now I can live at home and its a 30 min drive to the base..

but in sept I go back to Borden with the big IF .. what if I get posted anywhere but Trenton .. if I get Trenton then ill have lots of time to try and work things out and have my ex get used to me working in the CF ... but if I don't get Trenton I don't know what to do  go even how to start  .. the lawyers I have used before have no clue how things work in the military and would look to me for all the info  but im just learning about it myself ... I know there are services and ppl out there to help military members  but where to find them  I don't know ..

if I find anything out ill let you know  and can you do the same for me ?

 

[CdnArtyWife]

Sunflour: I suggest you call CFMAP, they will point you in the right direction.

Keebler: CFMAP can't help you until you are sworn in...after that...make it your first priority.

http://www.mdn.ca/health/services/engraph/member_assist_program_home_e.asp

 

[scoutfinch]

Sunflour: I suggest you call CFMAP, they will point you in the right direction.

Keebler: CFMAP can't help you until you are sworn in...after that...make it your first priority.

http://www.mdn.ca/health/services/engraph/member_assist_program_home_e.asp

CFMAP is for mental health services.  They do not deal with legal advice.  As a result, CFMAP will be of little assistance in resolving this problem.

There are lots of lawyers out there with experience on these types of family law matters.  Keep looking until you find one with experience.  Do not put this off.  Do not wait until you have joined the CF so as to access CFMAP as they will not be able to help you.  I always advise people to never leave custody issues on the back burner.

 

[CdnArtyWife]

Sorry, my bad. I was of the belief that CFMAP was short term counceling and also referral service to industry professionals that may be able to shed light on such situations. Hence my offer that CFMAP would point them in the right direction.

I continue to learn something new every day.

Checking with the local MFRC to talk to the Prevention Support and Intervention Coordinator may be of some help in a reference point of view. They would not be able to directly help, but could possibly gather some references that may be of some use.

Cheers, and good luck,

CAW

 

[Yrys]

I always advise people to never leave custody issues on the back burner.

Sound like good advice .  If a couple make verbal custody issue agreement between them
before even having water in ther relationship, do you know if it's binding ?