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I don't know where to start. I am a bit reluctant to share but at the same time feel I need to. Maybe hopefully connect with like minded people.
I feel so isolated at times it's crazy.
I applied in April 2012.
I used to be 450lbs. Residing at 190lbs. I've quite smoking cigs, weed, drinking, and a lot of extensive therapy(voluntary and normal with such a lifestyle transformation), with no anti depressants, but lots of physical activity.
What I've gone thru to get where I am now, some say is amazing. I have done what most have not done in two lifetimes.
Do I feel amazing?
Nah.
Do I want amazing? Maybe.
I would have NEVER thought in a million years to ever apply for the CF.
Now it seems like it's the only thing I want. Part of me feels I need it, and that wouldn't be healthy either. It would be unhealthy to continually seek validation externally. It's true. I have some of my self worth riding on this, and that part is what I hope to change before I make it to basic. And I'm going to make it. Just hopefully it happens sooner than later.
I'm older. I'm 39. Almost 40, next month.
People ask me, why I want to join the CF and that was the easy part. I had these goals before joining the CF was even suggested to me, and that the CF could help me reach these goals.
1. I want extreme physical activity
2. I want structure, regimented routine, discipline
3. I want to travel
4. I want a retirement plan
5. I want a meaningful career
It wasn't easy fulfilling the steps to apply to the CF. It's intimidating on multiple levels but I went into that Recruiting office a few times. I sought out answers to my questions. I started physically training before I even decided to join but now I had specific CF physical goals to work towards.
In May 2012, I received a call to come and write my CFAT. I wasn't as prepared and sort of choked when it came to the word math problems. No biggie. I didn't get the trade I applied for so I picked another three. I want in. I'm not too concerned with where I am working cos once I am in, I will prove myself and have other goals in life that the CF can help me attain, and not only will I benefit from those goals but so would the CF.
I planned to later rewrite the CFAT but for now my primary goal was to get as far into the process as possible. I hit some medical red tape but it all seemed like there was a work around. I was advised by the medical recruiting team to put off any minor surgeries. So I did. Then Borden wanted medical notes saying these surgeries weren't mandatory. Then the surgeon f**ks up the note(S). Sigh. Now I have to get one minor surgery but this is going to take time.
My file is now going to be closed and I will have to reapply.
I am not giving up but feel awfully discouraged.
I just want in.
The medical recruiter even said she has seen worse off get in, and would higher me in a flash if she could. She doesn't understand why this is all becoming a big issue. Where in the beginning she asked me to put off the surgery, now they are not letting me in unless I get the surgery. No guarantees though. Come April there will be more jobs to apply for, fingers crossed, but will I be ready to apply by then. Will my surgery have taken place, and my physical training back on track after healing. Three months is going to go fast, and I have no date picked for surgery. I am on a waiting list.
I am going to see another surgeon at the end of January. It is very straight forward but the procedures seem to take up a lot of time. Military procedures and medical procedures. Sigh.
I keep trying to think what all my options are. I need to live life according to now but I can't help to feel like I am hanging, and waiting, to get in.
I have been advised that if I could guarantee that I'll have had the surgery in three months, and healed up, they will leave my file open. Otherwise, reapply in April. Sigh.
I wish it would just be left open regardless. I wish I could give that guarantee.
I realize all things happen for some purpose and reason. By the time I reapply I will have restarted my studies to rewrite the CFAT, and this time ace it. I hope to have completed the one chinup requirement (I'm close). The military style pushups (they are hard). Be able to run 2.4 in less than 15mins. Otherwise the rest of the physical I am ready for. Mind you, I've been told there's no preparation that will ever prepare me for what basic training will test of me.
Thanks for listening.