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Just a funny little snippet from another forum that I'd like to share here. I know it deals with the British Armed Forces rather than the CF, but I think some of the funny stuff may apply as well.
No doubt a variation on an old theme....but made me chuckle!
HOW THE BRITISH MILITARY DEAL WITH SNAKES
1. INFANTRY Tracks snake through jungle. Snake smells
them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.
2. PARACHUTE REGIMENT Lands on and kills snake.
3. ARMOUR Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more
snakes.
4. CAVALRY Treats snake with haughty disdain as having
no impact on primary objective to hold London against
Roundheads at all costs.
5. ROYAL MARINE COMMANDO Plays with snake, gets
smashed with snake. Eats snake.
6. COMBAT ENGINEER Studies snake. Prepares tactical
plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets
and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of
command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug
by infantry and drowns.
7. ROYAL ARTILLERY Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage.
Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on
snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and
all participants awarded gallantry medals.
8. SPECIAL FORCES Makes contact with snake and,
ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport
with snake and starts winning its heart and mind.
Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses
claim. Writes best seller 'Python Two Zero'.
9. ARMY MEDICAL SERVICES Snake dies by mistake on
operating table. Dissects snake.
10. ROYAL NAVY Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships.
Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint
presentation to MOD Select Committee on how Naval
forces are the most cost-effective means of conducting
anti-snake operations.
11. TA Weekend camp cancelled due to presence of
snakes in the area.
12. RAF Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40
Jaguars, 20 Harriers, RAF Regiment. Loads smart
missiles, flies in at 20,000 feet, but can't find
snake to target. Drops bombs in sea on way home.
Wipes out 85% of marine life in no-fly zone.
13. INTELLIGENCE CORPS Snake? What snake? Only 4 of
35 indicators of snake presence currently active.
Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of
snake bite.
14. DEFENCE LOGISTICS ORGANISATION Orders 2 year study
by Anderson Consultants at cost of £1.5M, generating
massive workload at Grade 1 staff level.
Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20%
output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in
tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team
formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group. Aim to
introduce snake into all messes and ration packs by
2002. Snake experts from Special Forces and Gurkha's
told change is inevitable and not to be negative about
it. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring
celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott
and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their
excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in Service
messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of
apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army
demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat
holdings to Canadian and Indian Armed Forces.
15. DEFENCE PROCUREMENT AGENCY Decide they want to buy
a snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender.
Contract states that an eel will be supplied as
Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to
meet the performance characteristics of a snake as
laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract.
6 years late and £3 billion over budget, the project
is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the USA
for $10 billion.
16. ADJUTANT GENERAL Discovers that snake is not
black, female, homosexual or disabled. Loses interest.
:rofl:
17. MILITARY POLICE Carry out stop and search
operation for snake, question snake, snake makes no
reply to questioning, arrest snake, snake apparently
accidental falls down guard room stairs, huge
investigation carried out into Military Police
brutality, Military Police deny everything and make
counter allegations, MOD make hansome payout to snakes relatives.
No doubt a variation on an old theme....but made me chuckle!
HOW THE BRITISH MILITARY DEAL WITH SNAKES
1. INFANTRY Tracks snake through jungle. Snake smells
them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.
2. PARACHUTE REGIMENT Lands on and kills snake.
3. ARMOUR Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more
snakes.
4. CAVALRY Treats snake with haughty disdain as having
no impact on primary objective to hold London against
Roundheads at all costs.
5. ROYAL MARINE COMMANDO Plays with snake, gets
smashed with snake. Eats snake.
6. COMBAT ENGINEER Studies snake. Prepares tactical
plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets
and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of
command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug
by infantry and drowns.
7. ROYAL ARTILLERY Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage.
Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on
snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and
all participants awarded gallantry medals.
8. SPECIAL FORCES Makes contact with snake and,
ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport
with snake and starts winning its heart and mind.
Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses
claim. Writes best seller 'Python Two Zero'.
9. ARMY MEDICAL SERVICES Snake dies by mistake on
operating table. Dissects snake.
10. ROYAL NAVY Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships.
Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint
presentation to MOD Select Committee on how Naval
forces are the most cost-effective means of conducting
anti-snake operations.
11. TA Weekend camp cancelled due to presence of
snakes in the area.
12. RAF Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40
Jaguars, 20 Harriers, RAF Regiment. Loads smart
missiles, flies in at 20,000 feet, but can't find
snake to target. Drops bombs in sea on way home.
Wipes out 85% of marine life in no-fly zone.
13. INTELLIGENCE CORPS Snake? What snake? Only 4 of
35 indicators of snake presence currently active.
Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of
snake bite.
14. DEFENCE LOGISTICS ORGANISATION Orders 2 year study
by Anderson Consultants at cost of £1.5M, generating
massive workload at Grade 1 staff level.
Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20%
output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in
tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team
formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group. Aim to
introduce snake into all messes and ration packs by
2002. Snake experts from Special Forces and Gurkha's
told change is inevitable and not to be negative about
it. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring
celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott
and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their
excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in Service
messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of
apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army
demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat
holdings to Canadian and Indian Armed Forces.
15. DEFENCE PROCUREMENT AGENCY Decide they want to buy
a snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender.
Contract states that an eel will be supplied as
Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to
meet the performance characteristics of a snake as
laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract.
6 years late and £3 billion over budget, the project
is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the USA
for $10 billion.
16. ADJUTANT GENERAL Discovers that snake is not
black, female, homosexual or disabled. Loses interest.
:rofl:
17. MILITARY POLICE Carry out stop and search
operation for snake, question snake, snake makes no
reply to questioning, arrest snake, snake apparently
accidental falls down guard room stairs, huge
investigation carried out into Military Police
brutality, Military Police deny everything and make
counter allegations, MOD make hansome payout to snakes relatives.
