- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 160
(Disclaimer: the following is based upon true events that happened the morning of 18 may 06. All characters are based but do not fully represent the actual people involved in the events. Do not read if you do not possess a sense of humour. If you do not possess one, request NATO Stock Number 3736-00-463-3266 from the nearest supply depot.)
First, ensure that you are in the military. Any branch will do but if serving in an Army-centric environment, being in the Navy is the best possibility to ensure extra anger.
Second, once you are in the military, make sure you are in a very time-constricted environment. RMC's grad week works extremely well, but BMQ/SQ/IAP/BOTC and other basic-training type environments will most likely work just as well, if not better.
Third, make sure you have at least two timings during the day that require drastic changes in clothing. For example, one in the morning that requires you to be in full dress uniform, and one in the afternoon that requires you to be in combat clothing. For best results, however, tighter timings are required.
Fourth, make sure to mistakenly set your alarm to 1900 instead of 0700. Also ensure that nobody will wake you up on by declaring that since you are on a "special" appointment, you don't have to get up as early as everyone else; announcing you are in the band and aren't actually on the parade works very well. Wake up five to ten minutes before the actual timing, which is 0800 in this example.
Fifth, confuse your two timings and dress for the second timing, then exit your room hurriedly and run into someone (pre-positionned there seems to work best, but a random encounter will do in a pinch) who will borrow a very important piece of the other uniform you need to wear during the day and promise to bring it back before your next timing. Promptly forget that you lent it out.
Sixth, run to where you are supposed to be, realize everyone is gone and run around for a few minutes. When you realize you didn't put on the right uniform, run back to your quarters/room/barracks and change into the proper uniform as fast as you can. Be sure to forget at least one piece of equipment, in addition to the piece you are missing because you lent it out. Also forget your keys/magnetic card for your room so there is no way you can get back in without alerting your superiors. Run back to the proper spot for your timing. You are now late and are having a bad morning. For better results, keep reading.
Seventh, realize you are missing a piece of equipment and that you don't have your key. Try and find someone who can open the door for you. Make sure you first find an angry NCO (Army is most likely the best option, but any service will do) who will realize how confused and stressed out you are, and will pick up on everything wrong with you, including but not limited to your missing equipment, but will not help you. Once that is done, find the proper person with the key you need, who will also notice your shortcomings, point them out, and tell you to fix it as soon as possible. Make sure, however, that he does not empathise and tell you how to improve things like boots, as that would negate the point of him noticing your bad polishing job.
Eight, get into your room, grab your keys and the piece of equipment you actually forgot. Realize you lent out the other thing that was missing; panic. Leave your room with your key, one of the missing equipment pieces, and run back to where you were. Run into your superior/supervisor for the timing, explain the situation. Make sure he brings you back to his office which he shares with a slightly cynical senior NCO who will also point out what's wrong with you.
Congratulations, you are having a terrible morning in eight simple steps.
(In true Da Vinci Code fashion, I have hidden a code in the disclaimer above. If you do not have a life, please try and find it. I will pay a beer to the first person to find the code, if we ever meet. Otherwise I'll ship you a box of chocolates.)
Edited: changed Serial to Stock in "NATO Stock Number"
First, ensure that you are in the military. Any branch will do but if serving in an Army-centric environment, being in the Navy is the best possibility to ensure extra anger.
Second, once you are in the military, make sure you are in a very time-constricted environment. RMC's grad week works extremely well, but BMQ/SQ/IAP/BOTC and other basic-training type environments will most likely work just as well, if not better.
Third, make sure you have at least two timings during the day that require drastic changes in clothing. For example, one in the morning that requires you to be in full dress uniform, and one in the afternoon that requires you to be in combat clothing. For best results, however, tighter timings are required.
Fourth, make sure to mistakenly set your alarm to 1900 instead of 0700. Also ensure that nobody will wake you up on by declaring that since you are on a "special" appointment, you don't have to get up as early as everyone else; announcing you are in the band and aren't actually on the parade works very well. Wake up five to ten minutes before the actual timing, which is 0800 in this example.
Fifth, confuse your two timings and dress for the second timing, then exit your room hurriedly and run into someone (pre-positionned there seems to work best, but a random encounter will do in a pinch) who will borrow a very important piece of the other uniform you need to wear during the day and promise to bring it back before your next timing. Promptly forget that you lent it out.
Sixth, run to where you are supposed to be, realize everyone is gone and run around for a few minutes. When you realize you didn't put on the right uniform, run back to your quarters/room/barracks and change into the proper uniform as fast as you can. Be sure to forget at least one piece of equipment, in addition to the piece you are missing because you lent it out. Also forget your keys/magnetic card for your room so there is no way you can get back in without alerting your superiors. Run back to the proper spot for your timing. You are now late and are having a bad morning. For better results, keep reading.
Seventh, realize you are missing a piece of equipment and that you don't have your key. Try and find someone who can open the door for you. Make sure you first find an angry NCO (Army is most likely the best option, but any service will do) who will realize how confused and stressed out you are, and will pick up on everything wrong with you, including but not limited to your missing equipment, but will not help you. Once that is done, find the proper person with the key you need, who will also notice your shortcomings, point them out, and tell you to fix it as soon as possible. Make sure, however, that he does not empathise and tell you how to improve things like boots, as that would negate the point of him noticing your bad polishing job.
Eight, get into your room, grab your keys and the piece of equipment you actually forgot. Realize you lent out the other thing that was missing; panic. Leave your room with your key, one of the missing equipment pieces, and run back to where you were. Run into your superior/supervisor for the timing, explain the situation. Make sure he brings you back to his office which he shares with a slightly cynical senior NCO who will also point out what's wrong with you.
Congratulations, you are having a terrible morning in eight simple steps.
(In true Da Vinci Code fashion, I have hidden a code in the disclaimer above. If you do not have a life, please try and find it. I will pay a beer to the first person to find the code, if we ever meet. Otherwise I'll ship you a box of chocolates.)
Edited: changed Serial to Stock in "NATO Stock Number"
