Important things to remember if you're in armor

[Red 6]

I got to thinking about some of the goofy stuff I saw or experienced while I was on active duty. I bet quite a few of you will see something you can relate to. I was reading that thread on the armor forum about tanks and tracks. After i went to work today, I got to thinking about it and wrote down some of the dumb/funny things. I put an asterisk by the ones I or my crew actually did ourselves.

1. Never ignore that burning smell from your engine compartment. (*)

2. Do not drive off with the ramp down. (*)

3A. If you have a free-fall ramp, be sure to let your driver know.
3B. If you forget about part A, find a lot of strong backs to raise your free-fall ramp.

4. Do not ignore the barriers mr. Forstmeister uses to block the trail down the hill in Germany. He's trying to tell dumb tankers and scouts not to drive down his wash-out. (*)

5. never ignore that burning smell from your suspension. (*) (It was a cobble stone stuck in the idler wheel. that jammed it. The wheel was stuck, but the track just dragged around it. A lot of smoke on this one!)

6. When a bunch of infantrymen flag you down to help pivot steer over their range fire to put it out, make sure the front hull drain plug is tight BEFORE you drive over the flames. (*)

7. That grassy meadow you see straight ahead at night with your PVS-7s isn't grassy, nor is it a meadow. it's the edge of a bog. (*)

8. When you're traversing the turret and it stops, don't try to slew it to go past the obstruction. It could be your GPS that fell down in the turret race.

9. When the troop road march speed is 15 mph on the dusted out tank trail, do not stop because you can't see anything. (Another track in my platoon did this once and we ran right into him.)

10. When Mister M1 comes bob sledding down the icy hill straight at your Bradley, say something to your crew over the intercom besides, "Uhhhhh.." (*)

11A. When the mechanics put your power pack back together, do not let them do it from memory.

11B. Don't let the mechanics tell you the clamps and bolts left over from Part A aren't important.

12. Unhook the commo wire for the platoon hot loop from your hull BEFORE you drive off from the night laager. (My wingman did this in Saudi. He had about 100 ft of wire trailing behind him.)

13. Do not drive over that smoke pot laying in the road.

14. Never hit a German sergeant major's tree and leave evidence on your hull when he stops by to see what you're up to in his training area. (My plt sgt did this in Germany. The German sergeant major threw our whole platoon off his post, mud and all.)

15. Never use an electric pump to inflate 50 year old rubber boats, no matter what your buddy tells you. Use the 50 year old foot pump. That way the boat won't pop in the middle of the freezing German stream.(*)

16. Do not be in the middle of an elaborate practical joke on a border patrol when the Border Liaison guys drive up to your patrol for an operational readiness test.(*)

17. Never pivot steer in the sand with a broken track tension adjustor.

18A. If you throw track, dump the track tension BEFORE you try to walk the track back on.(*)
18B. It's way easier to break track than change 12 chewed up road wheels because you didn't want to break track.)*)

19. When the first sergeant is inspecting your platoon and looks inside your helmet and says that scuffed up kevlar in the crown is dried mud, don't point out that he's wrong.(My best friend did this when we were specialists. It didn't hurt him. He's a battalion sergeant major now.)

20. Never imitate the first sergeant to your buddies on his painting detail while you're standing in front of his window. You'll guarantee that YOU'RE his painting detail.(*)

21. Always make sure the link ejection chutes are hooked up on the 25mm BEFORE you pull the triggers. (This happeneded to me one night when I was a brand new gunner) (it takes a LOT of work to fix this one.)

22. If the latch on your 25mm ammo can breaks so the ammo door won't stay on, you can't repair it with 100mph tape, no matter how much you yell and scream.(*)

23. Do not let your observer play with all the cool controls when he's on radio watch. That's how the GPS winds up in the turret race.

24. if your driver says Mister engine access panel is burning hot, take his word for it and pull the fire entinguisher handle BEFORE you open the engine deck cover.

25A. In combat, never send a contact report on a herd of camels.(*)

26. If you are trying to tow a like-new T72 tank with a Bradley, make sure the stater switch on the tank and the transmission lever are disengaged. It's a lot easier to find somebody who can read Russian than it is to replace the busted pieces on the back of the hull.) Plus, it looks real bad when you drive off and the T72 starts, breaks the tow bar and drives into the back of the Bradley. (Bonus points for this being a tank the battalion commander planned to display in front of the hard stand back home at Fort Riley.) (This happened to another track in my platoon after Desert Storm)

 

[George Wallace]

When it has been raining for days, never sleep under a tank.

Never stand behind a tank when it is in Contact.

Always ensure your antennas are tied down before crossing Rail Crossing in Europe.

Always remember where the gun is before walking off the back of the turret.  It may not be the Back Deck that you are stepping onto......but thin air.

Never use a flashlight to ground guide a tank at night, if the Driver is using Night Vision devices. (*)

Unplug your boiling vessel if you come under contact.  That way the Rations won't explode.

Always turn on the Scavenger when firing.  You will not fit through the Pistol Port. (*)

Peanut Butter is the staple food of the Armour Corps.  (*)

36 cans of Heineken fit in the 1000 round Coax Bin.  (*)

In a tank, and a Gunner, bring a good book to read.

You can never stay clean on an AFV.  Within seconds of seeing it, without even touching it, you will be dirty. (*)

Leopard Drivers are always black (covered with dust) on the left side of their face.  (*)

The Corps perfume is a mixture of Cordite and WD40.  (*)

Tank Maint is easier than Light Track Maint - It is just heavier.

Tanks don't go where bullrushes grow. (********                          ) (Neither do Lynx or Coyote ********    )

Gagetown has swamps at the tops of its hills. (*****                                              )

There were six trees clearly marked on the map of Suffield, Alberta.  (Largest Training area in the British Commonwealth)  Now there are five.  A Brit drove over one.   :

When Fording or Swimming, always ensure your drain plugs and access plates are properly installed.

 

[Red 6]

Suffield and Gagetown sound like they might be like Hohenfels? What's this boiling vessel stuff?

 

[Scoobie Newbie]

Boiling vessel is a box that is like a pressure cooker but part of the vehicle.

 

[Kirkhill]

Suffield is like Nebraska - without the character.

 

[George Wallace]

Holhenfels, Graff and Hohne would all fit easily into Suffield with room to spare.

 

[George Wallace]

Come on Kenny.....I haven't got all night!

While we are waiting:

When coming out of a ditch or depression, always have the Loader Check Muzzle End Clear!    (Banana)

It is always a good idea to strap down your hatches.

Three Point Contact.

Submergence Hydraulics when deep Fording.  Lock the Turret when inflating and until completely deflating the Turret Seal.

Compass and Tank Combo........doesn't work.

Only eyeballs and top of head above the hatch ring.

 

[Shamrock]

28.  Turret crew:  Don't screw with the DLF1. (*)

29.  Anything more than eyes above the episcopes is fatal

30.  Leopard Gunner:  Never put your foot outside the guard.  The turret won't move fast enough enough to rip your foot off, but drivers get bored and have lighters. (*)

31.  Leopard Gunner:  The driver can see up your right leg to about belly level.  Remember that when you're bored and think no-one's watching. (*)

32.  Leopard Driver:  Never look back to see what the gunner has been doing for the past five minutes. (*)

33.  Leopard Commander:  It's never funny that you just had beans and weenies before a hatches down trace. (*)

34.  IC is one way, RADIO is the other.  Don't confuse them when you're commenting on how stupid the BC's daughter looks. (*)

35.  Leo Squadron Commander:  When the ARV is broken but you still want your tanks fixed, don't try to expedite things by having both sets of tracks removed on one tank and line the squadron up behind it to push. (*)

36.  Leo Battle Captain: Don't get angry at the driver when he looks at you funny because you told him to sit in the drivers hole during above. (*)

37. Any Driver:  Absolute silence from the turret does not mean "job well done on that last jump." (*)

38.  Any Driver:  Secure your kit very well, and that means all the loops and straps and crap are tucked in and the bag isn't going to move from its spot less divine intervention or a nuclear warhead. (*)

39.  Any Commander:  If you've been telling your driver how to drive all day, and his driving has gone from fair to crap, he's probably closed up his blackouts. (*)

40.  Any Turret Crew:  It's probably best to ignore the singing from the driver's hole. (*)

41.  Always be careful when you open a 25 ammo can in someone else's vehicle.  Some people have been to Germany. (*)

42.  If the person from another callsign is doing radio watch in your vehicle and asks where your napkins are, don't ask why. (*)

43.  All Drivers:  Treat your vehicles like a horse.  A tempermental, stubborn, selfish horse with a great big gun.

44.  Coyote Drivers:  Don't use the 25 as a handle when you're getting out of the hole.

45.  Coyote Drivers:  When packing the vehicle, remember, you have to be able to use that escape hatch and help with the ammo.

46.  Coyote Gunners:  Don't leave the 25 on the driver's hatch when trying to get out.  For anything more than twenty minutes.

47.  Coyote Gunners:  That big box between you and the commander is actually for bullets.

Suffield is about 3,000 km2.  It has all the worst elements of desert and tundra combined, with seasonal lakes and a weather control dome.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CFB_Suffield

1 DLF = Driver's Liberation Front

 

[George Wallace]

You left out the Rattlesnakes in the underground Oil wells.   

 

[George Wallace]

Oh!  A real good one.  When doing a live fire Quick Assault and you are in the Fire Base with the Battle Capt, and he can't figure out how to adjust a Troop Shoot.  Use the Loaders Episcope while loading and give the Gunner orders and corrections, then tell the BC in precise words what to say over the Net. (*)

After all that and the shoot begins, pray that the last Tank, upwind, doesn't have a Drop Short on the first Smk Rd and smoke off the Fire Base as the Assault Group moves onto the Objective. (*)   Very dicey.

 

[Red 6]

You guys are cracking me up. Reading thru all these brings back a lot of memories. Some of the things you mention with Leopards aren't familiar to me, but a lot is. The Bradley has too many knuckle bangers to count. I know because I whavked various parts of my body on most of them!

Once when we were up on the border at OP Tennessee (near the B19 border crossing by Euseenhausen, Germany) my driver accidentally yanked out the starter lever from the control panel of our Bradley. It has a mechanical linkage that goes to the fuel shutoff on the engine. The mechanics had to order one from Regiment because there wasn't one in the PLL. Anyway, for about a week, every time we had to start the engine, we'd have to unfold the trim vane, open the engine cover, and lean into the engine compartment to push the fuel shutoff. To turn off the engine, we had to reverse the process. I don't think I was ever so happy to get a new part as when that lever showed up.

You guys take care,
Mark

 

[George Wallace]

Firing Sabot on the Hesh Scale is not a good thing.

A "Loud Lase" is not a good thing.

3 Million Candle Power is just as bright during the day as it is at night.  (Leo Search Light operation check on F2) (*)

 

[Shamrock]

48.  M1 Abrams Commander:  Always remember, the driver has the comfiest seat in the tanzzzzzzzzz. (*)

49.  Plow Tank Driver:  If you're driving through a never ending treeline, ensure the trees directly to your front are actually moving (*).

50.  Any Tank Turret Crew:  Remember, before you piss the driver off, that he won't be the one getting out to put the track back on. (*)

51.  Any Tank Driver:  Remember, if they piss you off enough to throw the track, they'll probably make you get out to put it back on even if the gunner isn't a qualified driver. (*)

52.  Camoflauge isn't to make your vehicle hard to find by the enemy, it's so the OC can't see you when you screw up.

53.  Don't be afraid to cook for the infantry on the back deck, but be careful about feeding them.  They're like foreign children.  That one you gave a hotdog to has about a billion friends and he'll be back with all of them.  In thirty seconds. (*)

54.  Recce, heed these words:  The muscleheads have a saying, "When in doubt, shoot a scout." 

55.  Muscleheads:  During that brigade-level live fire exercise, think about the target you're about to engage.  That cut-out that looks surprisingly like a Coyote, complete with stab and panel markers probably isn't intended as a very challenging mover. (Didn't do, but was a victim of)

56.  Tankers:  Yes, the Americans, British, Germans, Dutch, Mexicans, and Australians are laughing at you when you pull up to the firing line.

57.  Americans, British, Germans, Dutch, Mexicans, and Australians:  Who's laughing now?  Guess a good tank can only compensate for so much.

58.  When taking a dump in a leagre in Suffield, use low ground for cover and not the vehicle.  Odds are, some wisenheimer in your crew will jump in the drivers seat and back it off a hundred metres, and that sudden flurry of noise will draw a few thousand pairs of eyes, and you're sitting on top of a now bald hill with your bald butt hanging out. (*)

59.  Any Turret Crew: Face away from the vehicle while breaking water.  The driver has to stick his face in there and you'd get upset if he peed on the turret.

60.  Driver:  Do it when they're not looking.

61.  Tank Crew:  Put some good viewing in the tank phone.  It keeps the SPUTs2 happy and ensures they follow you everywhere.  Any candy back there had better be enough to feed the entire section or they'll riot.

62.  Infantry:  Be careful following the tank.  They go through neck deep puddles and take down trees thicker than your skull.  Sometimes, these trees bounce back up and will snap a femur.  Puddles are probably intentional.

63.  Infantry:  That daisy grouping you just put into the jerry can during the live fire ex just ensured you're entire platoon will be eating armpit rations for the duration.

64.  Tankers:  During a live fire ex, stow everything inside the vehicle unless it wants bullet holes.

65.  Infantry:  When you're shooting at the back of the tank during the live fire, just remember you'll be going in front of their big gun at some point.

66.  Infantry:  Being forward of the main gun when it fires is not a valid way to earn your jump wings.

67.  SSM:  Be careful when you pull up to an infantry position and yell, "Canteen's OPEN!"  See above comment about feeding the grunts.

2 SPUT = Self-propelled Pop-Up Target.  See Infantry.

 

[Shamrock]

Okay, can't really think of how to distill this one, so I'll give it as an anecdote.

My last ex with the Regiment, about a six weeker, I was fired from Recce and found myself on tanks as a driver.

At the end of week two, we had a maintenance day.  The weather had been nice, but the terrain was soaked and muddy.  Most of the maint involved nothing too strenuous.  At one point, I found myself talking with the other drivers in the troop;  these guys were young, keen, and energetic.  It had been a long time since I'd been on tanks, so I was eager to relearn stuff I'd forgotten and learn stuff from these new kids.

One fellow, Dave1 was telling me not to worry about carrying a piss bottle into the hole with me.  "There's this hose right up by your shoulder, takes a little maneuvering, but it's perfect for the job.  Drains it outside the tank, no worries."

"Dave," said I, changing the topic slightly, "How are your wiper blades holding up?"

"Just fine," he said, "Episcopes are pretty leaky, but otherwise good."

"Right on," I replied, "But how about your wiper fluid?  I've had to refill mine twice already I get so much muck on the episcopes."

"Nope, I've been pretty lucky, haven't had to refill mine at all."

I'll leave you the rest to the thinking reader.

1 Name has not been changed to protect the idiot, I just don't remember it.

 

[sabot41]

you could spend hours going thru crazy stuff you seen or were part of. Two things for myself was to send new gunners to collect the lazer dots so we would be prepared for the next days trg, you always got a few vollenteers the first time. Another time I remember in Germany was moving Rotten Ralph's cot over to a bus stop. Thing was he always slept in the nude and when everyone started gathering for their morning commute, he woke up and was stranded. The rest of us were sitting across the street on a park bench watching and laughing our holes off. When his cursing got loud enough, we went over and carried him (cot and all) back to our "hide"...hilarious

 

[EX COELIS]

After bore sighting, remember to take the bore sight out.  Results on display in Gagetown Gunnery Sqn, or at least was.

The above are hilarious and all true to the Corps!  Best Topic I've read yet!

 

[ArmyRick]

Some funny ones here (the ones i understand anyways). From a grunt's perspective my tips are secure an M113 hatch before going cross country (my head still hurts) and tie down your 50 before booting cross country (my arm still hurts from blocking a 50 barrell swinging around at my head)... Oh and a one more, Grizzly may look sort of cool, but don't bother x-country, they s*ck.

 

[Reccesoldier]

Jr Tp Ldrs - ensure the gummy plug is out before the C6 shoot... yes every time... even if you only left the firing line for 5 minutes... especially if the CO is going to be in the tower.

Pongo's - That puddle is only a few inches deep for about 5 seconds.

Do not "surf the tank" past the Snr NCO's mess in the North Marg

Screaming into the radio after being "killed" on exercise only proves you're an idiot

Jr Tp Ldrs - do not pass Bravo because "he's so slow" while still in the minefield.

Dvr - yes we know it was his idea but you still end up looking dumb

Gunner - go back to sleep, we're going to be here a while.

Loader - never mind that bottle of water, might as well brew up.*

Dvr - if you aim for the dark spots when driving in blackout in the badlands... bad things will happen and you WILL be fired.

Observer - if your driver is subject to idiocy as mentioned above, hold on, at all times, even when sleeping... because the medics won't let you sleep with a concussion*

DLF... lol it's been a long time since I've heard that acronym, it think it started in B sqn (8CH) in Germany around 1988  I still remember Sqn Commander (Cpl) Joe Milligan's first, and only quck attack.

 

[Red 6]

Ya'll have to check this out. It fits pretty well on this thread and it's funny as hell. This is a You Tube video that shows what NOT to do in a tank.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=de8vL1QMQLg

 

[Reccesoldier]

Roadwheels, when thrown by a big lunk, will fly further than anyone thought.

They can also cause serious bodily harm

*If struck by said roadwheel and the collective reaction from the assembled Regiment is laughter... its time to rethink your leadership style.