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Living with an OSI.

I'd figure I'd drop back and post a update. My biggest dilemma now is memory. It may be due to not sleeping still, nightmares etc. Panic attacks have lessened quite a bit. I occasionally" bunker down" meaning avoiding people....hiding out in my basement. However overall I've been doing pretty good.

I have avoided TCAT/PCAT, while I know I will need it maybe at some point my work environment and superiors ahe been taking such  good care of me I can honestly say "restrictions" are really not needed. The only thing I have expressed to them is I have a real bad memory and have a real hard time kicking myself out of bed in the morning. Having completed many large projects dealing with civilian companies etc to this point they are pleased with my work, and I have a carde blanc to sleep in etc if it happens. Not that I would ever use it...although its been dam tempting some mornings.

I was looking into many medical OT's, compassionate postings etc. Turns out all I needed to do was ask my CoC. I laid it all out on the line. I want to get better and serve, however I dont want to lose my rank and start over again. I asked for an impossiable posting and they are looking into making it happen for me.
One thing I have learned is most of my feeling trapped and depressed about my current situation has been self inflicted. Being "old school" I didnt really believe in asking for what I wanted...but do as the army asks of me and soldier on. While many of us older guys sit around and complain about  so and so getting a gucci posting....none of us expressed interest.

having said that I laid out a multiple action plan to my CoC. From one end of the spectrim going "away" for a few years to sort my @#$% out up to med release and doing it on civi side. I also expressed my willingness to continue to serve. I think my reputation as being hardworking has finally paid off in my career.

Still seeing my shrink once a week. He dont think Im balanced out enough to start the trauma treatment yet. However I've discovered a lot about myself through the process so far. Apparently I'm a highly visual thinker...and apparently I shoudl get into paintng. Who would have thunk it. Makes sence why my patrol reports were always described as extremely descriptive.=0)
I've also found that a lot of my anger is against incompetance and my judgement of others actions as what I precieved as causing incidents i nwhich i will not get into on a open forum.

Guelph has been an option I have been considering, however I dont feel it is needed. Having siad that I have spoken to a member who has spent 4 months there and he said it was nothing but excellent treatment...and cute nurses. However I dont think its te right option for me.
So basically Im waiting for higher CoC to make the decision on what action they will support. I'm hoping they will because I believe I still have a lot to offer my unit, but right now I'm burnt out.

It's starting to effect my family. Which is something I've always said about putting my family first....yet it's really hard with my army mentality to put it into action. And honestly if not for my shrink putting things into prespective I may have not asked the CoC for support.

As far as I'm concerned PTSD for me doesnt mean a carde blanche of turning into a shit show. And we have all seen that happen. I would highly recommend anyone who is having issus come forward with it and NEVER try and hide it. Suddenly you'll have a drug problem of in trouble with the law ontop of a serious mental wound. One thing I did do right was get treatment. Honestly dealing with addictions ontop of theis B/S would be unimaginable.

So I plug away do my job at the highest standard possiable. If that means leaving work for a hour during normal hours and coming back after work thats what  Ido. If I start to feel overwhealmed I delegate some of my tasks down. Wile I should be able to complete all work given to me I reconise my limitations and the abilities of those around me to complete any task given. Which in the end gets the job doen, my 2IC a good PER and keeps me from slipping.
Supervisors who want to talk with me on how to deal with these per's in their CoC the best way please feel free to PM me. I have dealth with suicidle per's to people who are a total rightoff. Stuff they dont teach on a 6A. Feel free to drop me a line.
 
dogger1936,
On behalf of the forum, thank you.
Bruce

[and if you do visit Guelph I promise to sneak in some better desserts]
 
Thanks for that dogger1936,  I'm new to the forum and recently started a blog about PTSD recovery:  http://enduringleaves.blogspot.com/  Similiar to recoveringwarrior, just a different approach and +content.  Homewood was really good for me / don't hesitate to get in touch if you have any questions.  All the best.
 
Cdnleaf said:
Thanks for that dogger1936,  I'm new to the forum and recently started a blog about PTSD recovery:  http://enduringleaves.blogspot.com/ 
Click to expand...

Nice post, Dogger!
That is a very nice website you have Cdnleaf. I like the old TV on the wall paper. We used to have one just like it.  :)
 
I have to hand it to you guys. You are courage exemplified. My hat is off to all of you who have had the courage to step forward and "face your demons" so to speak.

:salute:
 
Sincere thanks Mario/Jim, though feeling a little awkward in saying that, I greatly appreciate your support.  For me it is just an injury, a little complex and I'm just focused on getting better.  I'm fortunate to be here and have great support from both families.  In my experience the system has been working despite my initial resistance to get help.  It's important for me to give a voice to the positive side and some of the issues experienced during my recovery.  All the best.
 
Good day all, I have enjoyed reading this thread on PTSD. It is truly a horrible things to keep in ones own head. I have done two tours overseas, Cyprus and Bosnia with relatively no issues. However, Op Persistence is where it all changed. The recovery of the bodies off the beaches from Swissair 111 has turned out to be more than I can handle.

During the task, I got it done just like everyone else. I had particular problems with the items from small kids having 4 of my own roughly the same age as some of the victims. As time went on, it was just one of those things a soldier did not do....complain. As a result, things never got addressed and only got worse. I attempted to get help in 2005, however, after seven visits with the therapist, she started to cry when I would tell her what I did and had seen. I ended that as I felt I did not want to mess anyone else up.

So as time went on and I pushed my family away, isolated and self medicated with alcohol. I was having nightmares, visions and seeing a small girl in a yellow dress on occasion. I would never speak of her as I literally thought I was losing my mind. I hated going out in crowded places, always afraid of what I might see or feel.


In 2009 I got posted to Ontario and was hoping the move from the east would help.....was I ever wrong. The trigger were still there, the nightmares and that little girl followed me. My drinking got worse along with the isolation. The nightmares got so bad that I was terrified to go to sleep. I would drink energy drinks and coffee and when my body was shutting down I would drink lot really fast to ensure I would pass out. At times I would drink myself sick then just keep going as I did not want to think or feel.

Things got to a point where I found myself waiting for a passing train because I did not want to feel anymore and my family, which I pushed away, did not need my shit.

Needless to say I walked into the hospital the next morning looking for help and got it. The medical staff and the mental health staff in Trenton were very quick in identifying what I needed. I was sitting in Bellwood within a very short time of everything coming out and completed a 45 day alcohol treatment program with some help and tools for my PTSD. They felt it was important to look after that first to aid in my future treatment for PTSD.

So as I speak, I am getting ready to return to Bellwood next Wednesday for a 60 day PTSD program. I am very satisfied with the direction things are going with the way the CF is looking after me. I think I could have saved myself and my family many years of misery if I had just seeked help before it got as bad as it did. I am far from the end and I have a lot of work ahead, but I now have the faith and confidence that things will get better for me to live a relatively normal life someday, a feeling I have not had since 1998.
 
Thanks for sharing your story Joe.  I can relate to your positive comments about the system.  I've heard good things about the Bellwood program from my peers. It's a grind at times and things do get better. Congrats on staying off the booze, I followed the same track - treatment at Meadowcreek then Homewood. Feel free to contact me anytime / all the best, Dan.
 
Thanks so much guys for your support. It is with the help of you all that gets me through this.
Dan, great site.....I just regitered on here today and got the link to your site.....some great stuff on there bud and very motivating for me.

Thanks again.
Joe
 
So it seems I can't sleep (surprise!) again and I have googled every topic I can possiably think of. I figured I drop back and give a update to my progress or lake there of.

Work is still work. I actually can say aside of a few important things I totally forgot about and messed up my organisational skills are comparable to those I had before. However instead of using my memory I use a mix of yellow sticky's and outlook express,coupled with a very large calendar in my office as well as on my front door of my house. Add in a phone call from my wife occasionally and I've managed to miss less timings and remember what I normally would have.

This magical posting seems to be falling apart. I understand my leadership is busy but it seems to have fell off the radar.Sometimes I wonder if it will actually be better where I'm going. The unknown of working with new faces who will only know me as I am now and not as I was before is a scary reality.On the otherside of things I gotta get away from the faces that remind me of shit and the stories and the vehicles. I really think thats the way forward.
As of late I've been debating if the military is really the right place for me anymore. I keep these crazy fantasies in my mind about just grabbing my tent and dissapearing for a while. The only thing keeping me here and grounded are my kid's and wife. And I sometimes feel stuck in the military as I feel I must provide the best financial life to my children as I can. Yes I realise that maybe money isnt everything...but a week without electricity and no vehicle I'm sure my wife would be singing a differnt tune....theres only so much as unconditional love! i'm just glad I have them here after all this bullshit. Although I never struck any of them or abused them My wife has put up with my angry outburst, my complaining about work, sleeping on the couch when Im yelling too much in my sleep, not even really holding my youngest till lately as I've felt like a piece of furnature in my own house.
On a lighter note I have faked being interested in my kids so much my youngest (who wasnt attached to me at all) comes crawls up with a smile lately and is always excited when I come home from work. Which in turn brightens my day and makes me feel like a dad again. Thats been a long time coming.

The nightmare medication prazin is bullshit for me. I have outright asked if it was sugar pills or something. I am maxed out on that and it does NOTHING for me. The effector works great everytime they boost it for about a week then I turn back. I didnt really peice it together but my wife noticed.
To add on top of everything else I have a few surgeries coming up finally getting fixed up with some bolts etc that have been required since Afganistan. And I have a lump where some metal came out that im gonna get chopped out too. Sometimes I wish I had just taken the repat (they gave me two 5 weeks "treatments" at my request as I was not going to go home no matter what at the time) I wonder if I would have these surgeries done and over with by now.
Our CDU. That is the most life sucking place I have ever stepped foot into. First off  I got a old lady who works the counter cutting me attitude that I didnt fill out my problem ontop of this chit.....on that little tear off part. I'm usually very polite but being 7h30 in the morning after having to kick my ass out of bed due to a late night and those darn pills....I quickly took the sheet back and asked her politely "where does it say to write my issue on this part of the chit that tears off?  "well thats what we do here" she snapped back." As I finished writing" leg injury from afganistan" in this magical CDU imaginary form I told her " "I aplogise for not knowing your secret codes.....this is the first time I've been inside a CDU"  ignorant stares until I went and sat down. Dealing with ignorant pople has never been my strong suit...add PTSD and I have no filter between mouth and brain it seems sometimes.  I sat and chilled...took me a while to contain the rage. the Dr's there treat you like excally what you are...a problem and a obstacle between them and lunch.  I decide after that visit  I will be waiting to go see a civilain dr afterhours from now on. Policy or not I will never step foot in that CDU here in Petawawa again.
Other issues that are presenting themselves are financial. I have to travel to Ottawa sometimes twice a week to visit my shrink. My only option for transport is getting aboard a duty van and driving down wasting my whole day in ottawa. This affects my work as usually I book my appointments in the afternoon so I can get my work done in the morning. As well it's nabbing at my wallet as I'm spending about 80 bucks a week on gas. I wouldnt mind if it was just a doctors appointment, however after going in and sitting down discussing watching children spurt blood with missing legs....welll..I dont feel like getting aboard a duty van with a few Pte's coming down to get their tonsils out. Something about crying in front of subordinates don't sit well with me. My shrink agreed with me and wrote my DR at the CDU. There is  a van going....therefore the member must take the van. This is the same DR who muttered under his breath that "I dont know why we send people to montford...they all have ptsd anyway" to one of my subordinates. these are just a few of the things that have botherd me with the medical system in Petawawa. I'll leave that at that till the next time I post.

OSSIS hasnt contacted me in any way after or inital meeting. I guess they have just as bad a memory as me!

Another thing from work.I keep getting this young officer dropping by asking about my medical problems. First time...I never really thought about it. 2nd time I had to ask. Turns out its for some breifing. I really gotta sort that out...as if I had known it was for a darn breifing I would have warned the young guy not to dare use my name and I would have just given him my restrictions instead of my problem which really shouldnt concern him. Talking to other guys they had the same thing happen. maybe a slight bit of paranoia...but I got a bad feeling about it.

Having said that my trust in the system is pretty low. my shrink even said I seemed like I've been playing my cards close to my chest...being careful what  Isay not to let on howbad I really am sometimes. WHich is true. Self presevation I guess.

Anyway  Ibash on. I phoned VAC and they said my claim will be done NLT 23 weeks from the day I started. Which should be soon. Worst thing now with the new surgiries I'll have to re apply I guess for that injury! oh well...one step at a time.

The lack of motovation is killin me. I enquired about getting a personal trainer paid for due to my lack of will power/ motovation. Resounding NO! people can get massages for PTSD....but not personal trainers. Anyway I try to do PT...but to be honest it really hasnt been happening.So unprofessional as it sounds I cant kick my ass out of bed until after PT and have zero drive to do it any other time. I've gained 30 lbs and it just really aint cool for my body or my self esteem.
Anyway still all messed up! Thats it for now.
 
Hang in the dogger, i'm sure there's light at the end of all this. Seems like you saw some of it with your kid.
 
Thanks for the update dogger, it's a grind and I'm happy that you have linked with your kids, they are amazing in recovery.  All the best, Dan. 

PM sent.
 
I feel for ya dogger! Hopefully you can get a nice payout from VA and you can go on a spending spree to give you some relief!
As someone who is recovering from PTSD I just wanna let you know that you can get a lot better. Use every source of information that you can to learn coping techniques. Your not gonna get rid of PTSD but you can get rid of your "bad reactions" to your thoughts. Every minute of everyday I have crazy shit popping up in my head but I have learned to almost ignore it and not let it get to me. I hope that you get better with time and I'm here for you if you ever need online help. Jim Seggie can also give you helpful hints about using the military resources to help you too.

Good luck!
 
And, of course, an article that says there should be no such thing as PTSD. I still think its' a good approach to getting away with taking out a few mindless bureaucrats though!

WHY THE PSYCHIATRY OF WAR IS TOO IMPORTANT TO BE LEFT TO
PSYCHIATRISTS

During the two World Wars in the first half of the twentieth century, whole societies had
to live through traumatic events - combat, bombing, being captured as prisoners of war,
losing loved ones, German occupation. This was not Freud and ten neurotic women in
Vienna - this was entire societies. Out of this experience, a broad consensus was forged.
Doctors and psychiatrists found, first, that it was best not to medicalise this process; not
to give it medical names. That was the lesson of `shellshock' in the First World War,
when the public and the newspapers were allowed to think that there was an actual
medical condition called `shellshock'. The "medical method of handling", it was found, undermined the individual's ability to take responsibility for himself.

Second, it was thought wisest to leave people to cope on their own; to respect the culture and the defences within it - humour, singing, alcohol, sex, ritual, ceremonial, religion, and so on - and, where necessary, reinforce them. This was not a culture of denial. It was one that assumed that most people are healthy, robust and resilient and can come through pretty horrible experiences with social
support.

But, third, it was at the same time accepted that there would be casualties. The
thinking was: in the first instance, just give them rest and tell them they are exhausted;
get them back to work or soldiering and rely on them to cure themselves. If that didn't work, for the more serious cases there was a range of treatment techniques - in the First
World War, hypnotic abreaction and dream analysis; a generation later, with the arrival
of barbiturates, pharmacological sedation, sometimes combined with drug abreaction.4

Fourth, the strongest predictor of outcome was thought to be the patient's pre-morbid personality not the level of exposure. Intelligence was also regarded as an important factor.5

http://www.scribd.com/doc/40306651/Why-the-Psychiatry-of-War-is-Too-Important-to-Be-Left-to-Psychiatrists
 
Some excerpts:

"In their book, The Three Trillion Dollar War, the Nobel Prize-winning economist Joseph Stiglitz and his co-author Linda Bilmes put the overall medical bill for American veterans of the war at 660 billion dollars, with the lion's share going on mental health problems."

"And so, in 198O, PTSD was born."
Comment:
Around the same time as de-institutionalisation of mental hospitals. Which lead to a lot of unemployed brain specialists. Many of whom found themselves employment in the Emergency Services.

" 'Debriefing' techniques, developed in the 1980s, required trauma survivors to be formally gathered together to talk through their experiences in the presence of a trained counsellor."

Comment:
If I recall correctly, they called it Critical Incident Stress Debriefing CISD.
There was no time for it. Operational crews had to be taken out of service and sent to HQ. Even if there was time for CISD, studies ( and my opinion from what I felt and heard ) showed it probably did more harm than good.

"That debriefing didn't work. It was better to "respect the patient's coping strategy". "
"...humour, singing, alcohol, sex, ritual, ceremonial, religion, and so on"

" 'Trauma' has become one of the staples of daytime television and magazines, the cheapest form of drama. The emotions provoked by fear and stress have long since ceased to be private and shameful; now they are commodities to be traded in the marketplace of deregulated television and popular journalism. The experience of trauma has become intertwined with the values of the entertainment industry, and what used to be seen as the normal experiences of life are now seen as quasi-medical traumas.":

Regarding that:
"Death of Diana, Princess of Wales:
During the four weeks following her funeral, the overall suicide rate in England and Wales rose by 17% and cases of deliberate self harm by 44.3%, compared with the average reported for that period in the four previous years. Researchers suggest that this was caused by the "identification" effect, as the greatest increase in suicides was by people most similar to Diana: women aged 25 to 44, whose suicide rate increased by over 45%":
http://bjp.rcpsych.org/cgi/reprint/177/5/463

"In 2006, the American Psychiatric Association announced that "a traumatic event alone is not a sufficient cause of PTSD and PTSD is not the most frequent response to traumatic events"

"PTSD, we are told, is the one psychiatric diagnosis patients like, because it takes away personal responsibility for one's psychological state and shifts it to an external `event'."

"Meanwhile, a review of treatments for PTSD carried out for the National Academy of Sciences by a panel of nine eminent psychiatrists has concluded that the evidence does not make it possible to say whether or not any of the treatments for PTSD are effective. So what will all the billions of dollars be spent on?"








 
One good thing that came out of all this for me was I learned quite a bit about myself, and how differnt I think compared to others. Of course up until this point in my life I assumed everyone could "recall" things. I think in very visual terms that some would say is a photographic memory. When someone explains things to me on a map I can already picture the ground in 3D, on a recce patrol I can remember small details. There is a study I am a part of now that involves high visual thinkers and PTSD. Where my "gift" that has helped me raise through the ranks very quickly becomes a problem is when I think of stuff I am there. Which of course is what normal people do with tramatic incidents, they think about them to remind themselvesof dangerous situations. however when I see a pothole  I sometimes go back to things that involve bodies etc that ends up in a panic attack that I cannot control. Apparently only 6% of the population thinks as I do...lucky me.

One thing I will agree with in that article is support of community. I have been doing mch better knowing they are going to send me near my family so I have a support group. Away from the people I served with, the daily remember when stories, even their faces that reminds me of situations. Many soldiers are so far from their family and support net's it causes a lot of problems.I realised when I went home for the summer that I had very few panic attacks as I wasnt being reminded of the trauma daily,and could have honest talks with family about my opinions on the war, my true feelings on stuff....that no matter what I really havent been able to do with anyone else.

Turner as for the money at first  I wasnt even going to apply for it. Now I figure I'm going to use it to set my self up for success. Truth is right now I'm uncertain if I can continue with my career.I wish to but I am uncertain. To help fill that uncertany I am going to  pay off my little debt I have, and buy a vey modest home where I come from. This will ease one of my largest fears of being without job or my own house once I release. Having a home I own and no debt not only reduces my stress now It will be the best thing for my family. While I would love to go buy a brand new car, It would only end up broken down in 10 years and wouldnt leave me with anything of substance. I will also be adding to my childrens resp's incase I cannot in future years due to employment.
 
dogger1936 said:
One good thing that came out of all this for me was I learned quite a bit about myself, and how differnt I think compared to others. Of course up until this point in my life I assumed everyone could "recall" things. I think in very visual terms that some would say is a photographic memory. When someone explains things to me on a map I can already picture the ground in 3D, on a recce patrol I can remember small details. There is a study I am a part of now that involves high visual thinkers and PTSD. Where my "gift" that has helped me raise through the ranks very quickly becomes a problem is when I think of stuff I am there. Which of course is what normal people do with tramatic incidents, they think about them to remind themselvesof dangerous situations. however when I see a pothole  I sometimes go back to things that involve bodies etc that ends up in a panic attack that I cannot control. Apparently only 6% of the population thinks as I do...lucky me.

One thing I will agree with in that article is support of community. I have been doing mch better knowing they are going to send me near my family so I have a support group. Away from the people I served with, the daily remember when stories, even their faces that reminds me of situations. Many soldiers are so far from their family and support net's it causes a lot of problems.I realised when I went home for the summer that I had very few panic attacks as I wasnt being reminded of the trauma daily,and could have honest talks with family about my opinions on the war, my true feelings on stuff....that no matter what I really havent been able to do with anyone else.

Turner as for the money at first  I want even going to apply for it. Now I figure I'm going to use it to set my self up for success. Truth is right now I'm uncertain if I can continue with my career.I wish to but I am uncertain. To help fill that uncertany I am going to  pay off my little debt I have, and buy a vey modest home where I come from. This will ease one of my largest fears of being without job or my own house once I release. Having a home I own and no debt not only reduces my stress now It will be the best thing for my family. While I would love to go buy a brand new car, It would only end up broken down in 10 years and wouldnt leave me with anything of substance. I will also be adding to my childrens resp's incase I cannot in future years due to employment.
Click to expand...

Weird, I think the same way.  When I have a piping installation, I see the whole thing in my head before parts are even ordered.  I think in pictures most of the time, and have to concentrate to "think in words", if you know what I mean.  Also, half my job is spent making threaded connections I can't see.  My wrench runner/helper gets freaked out when I do a good portion of my job with my eyes closed, but I seem to "see" it better with my fingers.  I got to a point before my release when I couldn't even drive through the front gate of the base without breaking out in a cold sweat, and anxiety levels through the roof.  The brain just seemed to go into "what if" overdrive.
 
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