Post New Years Eve Open Letter

[ExSarge]

Dear Alcohol, 
I thought I'd take a minute to discuss some troubling factors with you....
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours...your many sides and dimensions are mind-boggling (different than beer goggling, which I'll touch upon shortly.)
Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed -- the perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game... and you're even around in the holidays: Hidden inside chocolates you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.
Yet lately, I've been wondering about your intentions.
You see, I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, but I feel that your influence has led to unwise consequences, briefed below for your review:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity occurs at 5 AM.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a hotdog with chilli sauce coupled with a cup o’noodles and some stale chips (washed down with chocolate milk and topped off with a Kit Kat) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went a bit too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me I need to do yoga more to increase my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down the stairs. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should never take me more than 30 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Pictures: This is a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are heretofore banned from being placed on my head in public: Indian Wigs, Sombreros, Bows, Ties, Boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, bras
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. PLEASE do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. This is similar to the old "Hey, you're in my class" syndrome circa anytime at high school,university, trade school etc, and should heretofore be rendered illegal. Coupled with this is the phrase "Let's shag." While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth block that would keep this thought from being a statement, especially in public.

Further, the subsequent hangovers have GOT to stop.
Now, I know a little penance for our previous evenings' debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm Hangover Immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that if the proper steps are proactively taken on my part (i.e. water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be quite minimal and no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day, for that matter) activities.
Come on now, it's only fair -- you do your part, I'll do mine.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our relationship for some years now, and want to ensure that we remain on good terms.
You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when we just don't know what to do with the extra money in our pockets.
In order to continue this relationship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately.
I will look for an answer no later than Thursday at 5pm (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you for your prompt attention to these matters.

Sincerely - your biggest fan

 

[Sigs Pig]

HA! Funny, but you forgot to add...

P. S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing

Happiness is not what you EXPERIENCE, but what you REMEMBER.

~ME

 

[brihard]

Oh man... "I wish I hadn't gotten drunk and _________" could be an epic thread in and of itself.

 

[PMedMoe]

Compliments of a friend:

Dear Fan,

I must admit to sharing your enthusiasm and friendship, and must share in some of your concerns.  Like you, I enjoy your eclectic infusions of various substances and we both know which combinations to avoid by now.  Keeping your best interests at heart has always been my highest concern.  Lo, after these many years, I am often confused and in need of guidance regarding your expectations and demands during a night of frivolity.

My intentions have never been more than those I have always professed: gales of laughter, endless silly stories, easy conversation,... we'll leave the easy part alone for now.  You must keep in mind that as long as you continue to imbibe gallons-full of me, I, too, must imbibe gallons-full of you.  And, let's face it, we don't always get along that well.  You offer me control, yet, you are the one with the spare change in your pocket.

Having said that, not all the issues you bring up are without merit.  For example:

Phone calls: that intense and thought-provoking conversation at 3 am may turn out to be a wrong number, but it was still an intense and thought-provoking conversation, wasn't it?  And, educational.  Did you know that those things could be done simultaneously?

Eating: I can not take responsibility for your eating habits.  I have watched you snarf down spaghetti without aids or devices, while standing at the kitchen sink.  Don't blame me if you are face down in a bowl of lukewarm soup, trying to snore.

Clumsiness:  you make it sound like I pushed you down those stairs!  It has been well documented that your cat has been trying to kill you for several years now.  Besides, all those years in yoga classes haven't helped your balance at all.  You still can't walk and chew gum at the same time.  Never could, as far as I can tell.

Pictures:  don't these go with the gales of laughter and endless silly stories, and not likely to end any time soon - with or without my help?

Beer Goggles:  now, seriously, isn't this why you and I get along so well?  Even the most ill conceived (for lack of a better phrase) situations we have had to endure have been educational.  Especially when I help in the forgetting stage, which, of course, led to the next series of beer goggles....

Overall, I hold myself blameless for all these so-called transgressions.  I can not be held responsible for your lack of inhibition and good taste after a night of over indulgence and debauched behavior.

However, I, too, would like to remain friends and am willing to concede that the only way to make this a workable relationship is to enforce some restrictions on both our behaviors.  Henceforth, I will aid, in my own inimical way, with some behavior modification learned from the old masters.  Should I notice that you are becoming a little too friendly with that toothless nag over in the corner, I will step up to do my bit.  Initially, I will cause you to throw up on his or her shoes.  If that doesn't work, I will cause you to throw up on your own shoes.  This will save you from embarrassing yourself and having to make those lame excuses the next day ("It must have been something I ate" or "I've been coming down with the flu" will cover it).

I estimate that if the hour is late enough, this may be just enough to cause sympathy convulsions all around the room, thus saving many others from the same error in judgment, and you may be rewarded for your public service to the local community.

I hope this is a workable solution.

Sincerely,

Alcohol

PS:  See you tonight.

 

[HollywoodHitman]

I like this thread.