Rank recognition made easy

[big bad john]

General

Faster than a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Walks on water.
Lunches with God, but must pick up tab.

Colonel

Almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline.
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks to God.

Lieutenant-Colonel

Faster than an energetically thrown rock.
Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet.
Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds.
Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present.
May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least three working days in advance.

Major

Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy.
Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical.
Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing.

Captain

Can sometimes handle firearm without shooting self.
Is run over by trains.
Barely clears outhouse.
Dog paddles.
Mumbles to self.

Lieutenant

Is dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised.
Recognizes trains two out of three times.
Runs into tall buildings.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and water wings.
Talks to walls.

2nd Lieutenant

Can be trusted with either gun or ammunition but never both.
Must have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to sleeves.
Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings.
Plays in Mud puddles.
Stutters.

Officer Cadet

Under no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and must even be closely supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are right out.
Says: "Look at choo choo!"
Not allowed inside buildings of any size.
Makes good boat anchor.
Mere existence makes God shudder.

Sergeant-Major

Catches hyper sonic armour piercing fin stabilized discarding sabot depleted uranium long rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them.
Kicks bullet trains off their tracks.
Uproots tall buildings and walk under them.
Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture.

Is God.

 

[big bad john]

An air force officer goes to heaven and at the gate St Peter asks him if he has ever done anything in his life that he believes makes him worthy of admittance to heaven.

The officer flyboy replies," Yes, I once went into a bar with four of my pilot friends and saw two Seabees harassing a young girl at the bar, so being a gentleman I went up to the biggest one and told him to leave this young lady alone. When he refused I told him again more forcefully. This time I slapped him across the face and told this Seabee to stand down."

St Peter said this was a very good thing to do and asked when the pilot did this great act.

The pilot replied, "About 5 minutes ago! My friends should be here shortly!"

 

[big bad john]

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ..I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing! (Sign over the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan).
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You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore -test pilot)
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The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire
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Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky. (From an old carrier sailor)
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If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe
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When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
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Without ammunition, the RAF is just another expensive flying club.
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What is the one similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ...the pilot dies.
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Never trade luck for skill.
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Uh oh!"
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Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
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Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
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Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
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A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.
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I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
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Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
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Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries
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Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.
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When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten. Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
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Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible.
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The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; ...it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
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A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)
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If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
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If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bugger down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)
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Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
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There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).
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If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
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Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

 

[big bad john]

Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"
"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."
"Oh? And what does your father do?"
"He's in the Army, sir."

 

[condor888000]

The three worst things to hear in the cockpit:
The second officer says, "Oh shit!"
The first officer says, "I have an idea!"
The pilot says, "Hey, watch this!"

The definition of an optimist has to be the Luftwaffe F-104 pilot who gave up smoking!

Lady, you want me to answer you if this old airplane is safe to fly? Just how in the world do you think it got to be this old?

If helicopters are so safe, how come there are no vintage/classic helicopter fly-ins?

Death is just nature's way of telling you to watch your airspeed.

Real planes use only a single stick to fly. This is why bulldozers & helicopters -- in that order -- need two.

I've flown every seat on this airplane, can someone tell me why the other two are always occupied by idiots?

Insurer: It was pilot error.
Pilot: It was design error.
Insurer: I disagree. The pilot is at fault for trusting the designer.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the very first Fokker airplane built in the world. The Dutch call it the mother Fokker.

A military aircraft had gear problems on landing, and as the plane was skidding down the tarmac the tower controller asked if they needed assistance. From the plane came a laconic southern voice:
Dunno - we ain't done crashin' yet.

Dead Reckoning: You reckon correctly, or you are.

Glide Distance: Half the distance from the airplane to the nearest emergency landing field.

Range: Usually about 30 miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks fill with air.


All from...

http://www.skygod.com/quotes/index.html

 

[nULL]

If you're at a party, how do you tell if one of the guests is a fighter pilot?

He'll tell you.

How does a fighter pilot change a lightbulb?

He holds it in place and the world revolves around him.

;D

 

[PPCLI Guy]

Thanks for the laugh big bad john - I needed that!

Dave
Putting in his request to talk to God - in three days.

 

[Franko]

BBJ.....LOL  ;D

Regards

 

[tree hugger]

What's the difference between God and a pilot?

God doesn't think he's a pilot.

 

[Da_man]

If you're at a party, how do you tell if one of the guests is a fighter pilot?

He'll tell you.

How does a fighter pilot change a lightbulb?

He holds it in place and the world revolves around him.

;D

;D

 

[Ghost]

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was
sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of
his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the
airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be
seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the
meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he
had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do
you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "just here to
hook up your telephone."

 

[Ghost]

A couple of A-10's are escorting a C-130 Hercules and their pilots were
chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk fell on
the subject of relative merits of their respective aircraft with the
fighter pilots holding their planes were better because of their
maneuverability, weaponry and the like The C-130 pilot replied
"Yeah? Well I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only
dream about." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate. "Just
watch," he tells them. The C-130 continues to fly straight and level,
and after several minutes the Herk pilot returns to the air and says,
"There! How was that?" Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots
say, "What are you talking about? What did you do?" He replies,
"Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went back
an took a piss."

 

[s23256]

How does a fighter pilot change a lightbulb?

He holds it in place and the world revolves around him.

Also.....


How many fighter pilots does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

4....1 to screw in the lightbulb, and 3 to tell him how much better they could have done it.

 

[Joe_McSweeney]

A colonel had a grenade go off by his head and he had to have his ears removed. After his rehabilitation his superiors decided it was best that he had an assistant, from any branch of the military that he saw fit. After going through dozens of applications he came to three finalists, and invited them for an interview.
The first was an air force captain who had gone on combat missions,won medals, and accommodations, and so forth, but had suffered an eye injury.  As the capt. walked in,  the colonel asked  "What is the first thing you notice?!"  Taken aback the capt. Replies "Well....Sir....You don't have...um...ears..... ..Sir..." The colonel launched into a tirade on the capt. going up one side and down the other for an entire hour.
The next candidate was a Navy Capt. With an even better record than the air force guy. He too walks in and doesn't even have a chance to salute when he gets the question... to which he says the same thing... "Well Sir, You don't have ears..."
And same as before...The colonel opens up a tin on him and sends him away.
The final interview came in. A older former Airborne sargeant who walks in and sits down, making himself quite comfy. The colonel asks his question...
The sarge looks him square in the eyes and says, "Well, you wear contact lenses."
Amazed, the Colonel asks "How can you figure that by just walking in the room?."

"Pretty hard to wear glasses when you ain't got no @!*#ING EARS!!!!"

 

[big bad john]

The story of Uncle Bob

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't f*ck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

 

[big bad john]

A Platoon Warrant Officer and his Platoon Leader are bunking down in the field for
the night.  The Platoon Warrant Officer looks up and says, "When you see all the
stars in the sky, what do you think, sir?"

The LT replies, "Well, I think of how insignificant we really are in the
universe; how small a piece of such a grand design.  I can't help but wonder
if what we do truly means anything or makes any difference.  Why?  What do
you think of, Warrant?"

"I think somebody stole the damn tent."

 

[big bad john]

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

 

[big bad john]

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field
and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120
minutes to "Happy Hour."

 

[big bad john]

This one really isn't military but I like it anyway.


A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."