Things not to say in the CF...

[Captain Coffee]

BOTC II parade at CMR, two gents appeared side by side with name tags on their DEU with the name 'Wong'.  One gent was Asian, the other obviously not.  When the Reviewing Party stopped to chat with Mutt and Jeff, one of SMs commented on the oddity that they both had the same last name.  The non-Asian fellow said, "Oh my God, I must have put on the 'Wong' name tag." The Reviewing Party continued on its way without another word as the OCdts nearby (of which I was one) broke into snickers and guffaws.  The wise guy paid for the remark dearly later in the day.

There's a joke in there....something about two Wongs don't make a right....

 

[Captain Coffee]

Here's one from a BMQ at St-Jean.

A Sgt was doing a morning inspection of a French platoon, I'll give you the translated version. 

On of the first recruits to be inspectede (we'll call him Pte Smith) whose kit was really good and the insepction was going well.

Sgt: Good job on your boots, Pte Smith

Pte Smith: Thank you Sgt!

Sgt: Don't thank me, it was you who did it.

The Pte Smith pauses and cracks a lob-sided grin

Pte Smith: Thank you Pte Smith, Sgt!

He spent the remainder of the inspection walking around the entire floor and his hands and feet, in the words of the Sgt, "like a cockroach."

 

[Harris]

I was assisting officer for a Cpl who stated to his course staff he was "On strike" because he didn't get paid.

 

[GUNS]

1968 either Shilo or Petawawa on Election Day.

We were paraded to Drill Hall to vote.

First time voting, far from home and never had a clue as to who to vote for.

While in line, I told the Sgt." I don't know what party to vote for"

He turned to me and said," Who signs your pay cheque?"

I voted appropriately.

 

[George Wallace]

1968 either Shilo or Petawawa on Election Day.

We were paraded to Drill Hall to vote.

First time voting, far from home and never had a clue as to who to vote for.

While in line, I told the Sgt." I don't know what party to vote for"

He turned to me a said," Who signs your pay cheque?"

I voted appropriately.

Now that explains a lot. 

 

[OldSolduer]

:warstory:Many years ago, an individual was charged and paraded in front of the OC. The accused, being of limited education, was asked if he would like the witnesses against him to testify under oath.
His reply - "Oh no sir, I'm going to tell you the truth!"

 

[The Bread Guy]

Mcpl talking to me during basic: "Dammit Private bloggin, what have you done to your boots??? they look like a piece of shit"
Me answering: Its because I did not do them Mcpl.

Trust me never answer that to your 2ic's section during morning inspection

Variation on that theme (this happened to me, but not on the receiving end)....

MCPL:  "That shirt looks like you slept in it!  Do you know how to iron a shirt properly?"
Recruit:  "No, MCPL"
MCPL:  "Did you think to ask anyone how?"
Recruit:  "No, MCPL - my grandmother irons my shirts."

Needless to say, it was not gramma who was doing push-ups at that point (with a reminder to said recruit that life would be more just if he carried out his own sentence for his own crimes and misdemeanors, or words to that effect, anyway).

 

[gaspasser]

Back in 2006, I had booked my eldest son on a Herc from Trenton to Greenwood so he could see some old friends and visit grandparents for the summer.  We diligently got him to the AMU 2 hours prior to flight, after I announced our presence to the Pax clerk, I told my son that HE had to do HIS "clearance" into the AMU.
Pax clerk {after gettting all pertinant info} starts asking the baggage questions: "Is there any matches or lighters or other flammable items in your baggage?"
My son: " No Master Corporal."  {I taught this boy right  }
Pax clerk:" Did you pack you luggage yourself?"
My son: " No, my mom did"  ROFL)  8)

After the poor guy picked himself up off the floor from laughing so hard, he informed us that that was the first time HE had ever heard that reply at a military pax terminal.
He then went on to ask the remainder of his questions, which my son diligently answered.

;D

 

[Harris]

I was running an Inf QL2 crse in ALdershot and we were on our field Ex.  I see a soldier digging a trench and since it was a beautiful hot day I wondered why he was wearing his bush hat, combat scarf, combat shirt with sleeves down, every button done up.  I assumed he was being punished for something and I went over to ask what was going on and to tell him he could remove the necessary clothing to cool himself off (and to Jack up his Sect comd).  I asked him what was up and why all the clothes. He responded, "It's OK Sir, I'm allergic to dirt."  As the remainder of the Sect started to giggle around us, I was at a loss as to how to respond.
At the end of the day it was determined he was allergic to dirt and he was removed from the course as a Medical failure. Never to be seen again I'm told.
No word of a lie, the next Inf QL 2 course I ran had a soldier who was allergic to Sunlight. Same end result.

Edited to add:  I'm not sure it was actual dirt (crushed rock) but I believe more likely something contained within the dirt he was allergic to.

 

[PMedMoe]

No word of a lie, the next Inf QL 2 course I ran had a soldier who was allergic to Sunlight. Same end result.

Actually, it does happen.  Allergy to the sun, not sure about the dirt, though.  I have a mild "reaction" consisting of tiny, raised blisters that are quite itchy.  Prevention - sunscreen.

InteliHealth

 

[helpup]

We were formed up for "Disbandment Parade" practice on the old Airborne Parade Square, the press were there since at the time this was big news.  formed up 2 CDO was on our right and noticed the photographers milling about trying to get a good spot for picts.  The RSM just finished up and we were at Stand Easy when out of the front ranks of 2 CDO comes;
"Hey You where did you get that"
Photographer looks at his camera and says;
" what this? "
2CDO in loudest voice in mass
" No the face of a Monkeys A**!!!
the whole parade including after a long pause the camera guy busts a gut.

 

[Zell_Dietrich]

On a BMQ course,  my section had fire picket for the night.  The Cpl was explaining what to do and the such and then listed a long list of things we'd come wake up the staff for.  He then said "when doing your patrolls, stay away from where we are sleeping, you'll wake us up"

A pte in my section then jokingly said "Oh what are you guys doing with eachother in there".... (obvious implication of sexual nature)

The Sgt who was standing beside the Cpl was not impressed.  Now, I've been through allot in my life,  there were times I've reconciled myself that I was going to die - and painfully.  I've never had such an intense feeling dread as I experienced in that moment.

 

[GUNS]

Early 70's at an American base in Germany during Gun Camp.
After the ammo/charge bags were delivered we normally remove the shells from one pallet and notch out the underside of the pallet to make a cradle for the shell when it is placed inside the gun for firing.

A 5 ton came around to pick up the garbage before firing commenced. I helped with the loading of the garbage into the 5 ton. I mistakenly tossed the pallet we were going to use as a cradle for the shells into the back of the 5 ton. A certain Gunner with a wide grin on his face brought this to my attendion so I told the same Gunner to climb up and retrieve the pallet.

The Gunner said," You tossed it in the back of the truck why should I have to get it" I should add that Gunner Y was not to much taller that a Little Person.

I normally correct my own mishaps but Gunner Y made two mistakes. He seemed to cherish the fact that a Regular soldier made a mistake(Gunner Y was Reserve) and he never ended his comment with my  rank(Bdr.)

I looked down on Gunner Y from great heights( 6' 2" ) and asked him " How many stripes do you have on your arm" . " None" was his reply.
" How many stripes do you see on my arm" I asked. " Two" was his answer.

" So get your G**damn ass up in the truck, Gunner "

From behind me I heard clapping, when I turned around to see who was doing the clapping. There was the RSM and BSM noticeably amused at my antics.

Two things came out of this incident, Gunner Y got a valueable lesson in rank structure and my annual PER gained some brownie points.
:warstory:

 

[toughenough]

Mcpl talking to me during basic: "Dammit Private bloggin, what have you done to your boots??? they look like a piece of crap"
Me answering: Its because I did not do them Mcpl.

Trust me never answer that to your 2ic's section during morning inspection

I saw a similar experience on my DP1 Inf. course. When questioned about an imperfection in his kit during morning inspection (I believe it was an improperly folded towel), the response was "Oh, my bad, MCpl."

My 2iC was 6' or 6'1" that summer, but I'm pretty sure he elevated an additional two inches off of the floor before he returned fire on that numpty.

 

[Shec]

Not only say, but not do.  While on morning parade one crisp, clear, sunny, Calgary morning at Sarcee Barracks I committed the heinous crime of yawning.  I know I should have suppressed it but I figured that standing as I was in the middle of the rear rank maybe, just maybe...

Such was not the case as I heard our instructor Cpl. M. bark "  Shec------, shut your mouth before I stick my dirty **** in it.  That wouldn't taste very good would it ?"

I answered "No Corporal"

To which the response was "You oughta'  know"

 

[Bzzliteyr]

Man.. people in the office were giving me strange looks this morning.. I explained the thread I was reading and passed a couple of stories on...

This should be mandatory reading for all new recruits.. sort of an "after action report" or "lessons learned" to build from.

 

[OldSolduer]

I have an observation to make:

I'm all for having fun in the Army, don't get me wrong. Our primary function is to defend Canada, by visiting death on our enemies through the application of controlled violence.

Basic and trades training is not an epsiode of The Simpsons, Family Guy, American Dad or Saturday Night Live, therefore there is no room for smart a$$ remarks from trainess such as "oh my bad MCpl". I hope the trainee got a good solid piece of "counselling" from the MCpl.

We had an RSM....who said our boots should shine like "an eagle's a$$ in a power dive". Another one said we were all hunched over "like hound dogs f&&kin footballs"

 

[Trinity]

Another one said we were all hunched over "like hound dogs f&&kin footballs"

Sounds like an old RCR CSM from Battleschool whose name I won't mention for PERSEC.

 

[Sigger]

Basic and trades training is not an epsiode of The Simpsons, Family Guy, American Dad or Saturday Night Live, therefore there is no room for smart a$$ remarks from trainess such as "oh my bad MCpl".

However true, all these "Smart a$$ remarks" do create a much better moral for the troops. But then again, I am from the 'new Army'. So, observe away.

 

[joonrooj]

We had an RSM....who said our boots should shine like "an eagle's a$$ in a power dive".

A MCpl who is very found of that saying (with a few differences) got quite 'unhappy' when I misquoted him as saying "shinier than a nickel in a seagull's a$$ doing a powerdive,"
Speaking of funny RSMs, on course we had one that would routinely pretend to be a cowboy, he'd wait until everyone was formed up waiting for the dismissal for a meal, stand in front of the course intimidating everyone with his HUGE RSM 'stache, get about 6" away from the most scared looking troop, then: "YEEEHAAAAA! Dismissed."