A Collection Of Army.ca Humour - including SKIPPY'S DAMN LIST AGAIN!!
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OK you'll like this one, and its clean enough for sensitive ears.
Police officer pulls a married couple over,
Officer: Did you know you were speeding
Man: No sorry sir had't realized...
Wife : I told him he was going to fast officer
Officer: Your brake light is out too sir
Man: Sorry I didn't know It just happened...
Wife: I told you 2 weeks ago to fix it you just..
Man to wife: SHUT UP ARE YOU TRYING TO GET ME ARRESTED?
Officer: Ma'am does he always speak to you like this?
Wife : No , only when he's drunk.
Police officer pulls a married couple over,
Officer: Did you know you were speeding
Man: No sorry sir had't realized...
Wife : I told him he was going to fast officer
Officer: Your brake light is out too sir
Man: Sorry I didn't know It just happened...
Wife: I told you 2 weeks ago to fix it you just..
Man to wife: SHUT UP ARE YOU TRYING TO GET ME ARRESTED?
Officer: Ma'am does he always speak to you like this?
Wife : No , only when he's drunk.
- Reaction score
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Slim said:
Absolutely! Besides, it'd probably go something more like this:
Canadian Commanding Officer: Get out of our waters, eh.
Danish Commanding Officer: These aren't your waters, and that's our island.
C: Is not. Don't make us do anything you'll regret, eh.
D: We're asserting our sovereign rights.
C: Not in our waters you're not. This is Canada, eh.
D: (To his XO) Why does he keep saying "Eh"?
Danish XO: It's a linguistic affectation. Kind of like how the Swedes speak when they get pisstank drunk.
C: Move that boat or we'll open fire, eh.
D: You wouldn't dare.
C: (To his WCO) Fire a shot across their bow.
(BOOM) (SPLOOSH)
D: Luderbarn! Return the favour!
D XO: Sorry, sir. The forty shells we have are the wrong calibre for the gun.
D: Captain of Canadian Navy Frigate, we will protest this to the highest levels!
C: Take that, eh.
D: What now?
.....(silence)....
D: Hello?
C: Yeah. Listen, this isn't going to work.
D: We can't return fire. What are you complaining about?
C: That was our only shell.
D: Ahh. An impasse?
C: Yeah. Want to come over for a Double Double?
D: I'll bring the Danishes, eh.
- Reaction score
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It's funny because at present Canadian arctic sovereignty is a joke. Traditionally one can only claim sovereignty over an area in which they can ensure it. Although more modern definitions tend to respect a claim to territory that has traditionally been held by a power, the reality is this; if you can't keep it, you can't keep it. While Hans Island is basically a joke the Danish claim in this case has more to do with shelf rights than anything else. Elsmere is on the same shelf and could potentially come under dispute on the same grounds. I guess what I am trying to say is that although it is tempting to look at this as an amusing little argument; I am somewhat less than amused. This probably should be taken more seriously, at least by our government 
P
Pfc_Norup
Guest
Behold the mighty Danish fleet sailing for Hans island ;D
http://www.vaabenskjolde.dk/BillederUdePaaSiden/Kuttere/TULU.jpg
http://www.vaabenskjolde.dk/BillederUdePaaSiden/Kuttere/TULU.jpg
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:boring: :boring: :boring: :boring: :boring: :boring: :boring: :boring:
http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/23653.0.html
http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/25346.0.html
http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/4098.0.html
I believe this joke started with a Scandinavia country vs the US.
http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/23653.0.html
http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/25346.0.html
http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/4098.0.html
I believe this joke started with a Scandinavia country vs the US.
A crusty old Navy Petty Officer found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the WO for some conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the PO replied, "Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his chest filled with campaign ribbons and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The PO's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The old PO just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The Sailor looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you are! You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!
Isn't that a little extreme?"
The PO, with a quick glance his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Don't think so ma'am...... It's only 2130 now."
She said, "Excuse me, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the PO replied, "Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his chest filled with campaign ribbons and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The PO's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The old PO just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The Sailor looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you are! You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!
Isn't that a little extreme?"
The PO, with a quick glance his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Don't think so ma'am...... It's only 2130 now."
- Reaction score
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A crusty old Sergeant Major from the Royal Newfoundland Regiment in full dress uniform entered a drugstore and marched up to the pharmacists station in the back. The pharmacist looked up and asked "Can I help you?" The old CSM said yes and dug into his tunic pocket and produced one very used condom with several holes and crust all over it. "How much to have this repaired?" The pharmacist took a look at it and said "90 cents". "I see................ and how much for a brand new one alltogether?" "Well, that'll be a buck thirty". "Thanks for your time b'y" and he marched back out of the store. The pharmacist shook his head and went back to work when all of a sudden he heard a great cheer erupt outside his store. As he was wondering what the **** that was all about, an even louder cheer erupted outside the store. Just then the CSM re-entered the store and marched back up to the pharmacists counter. He tossed the old condom on the counter and proclaimed "You can throw that one out b'y! The Company has spoken................. We're going to spring for a new one!" 
- Reaction score
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Oldie but a goodie.... and i know its been posted here before....
Capt: Seargant Major. Are the Troops happy?
CSM: Yes Sir!
Capt: Well Fuck em About then!
Capt: Seargant Major. Are the Troops happy?
CSM: Yes Sir!
Capt: Well Fuck em About then!
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ''My friend is dead! What can I do?'' The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: ''Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, ''OK, now what?
- Reaction score
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A rabid dog and a politician are lying dead in the street. How can you tell the difference?
There are skid marks in front of the rabid dog.
There are skid marks in front of the rabid dog.
- Reaction score
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After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, bur I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. Heheld the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, Newcastle and anywhere in Wales.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, bur I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. Heheld the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, Newcastle and anywhere in Wales.
- Reaction score
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- Points
- 210
Understanding the Chain of Command Orders
A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:
"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."
EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:
"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."
COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:
"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."
LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:
"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."
SERGEANT TO SQUAD:
"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."
Wolf ;D
A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:
"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."
EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:
"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."
COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:
"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."
LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:
"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."
SERGEANT TO SQUAD:
"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."
Wolf ;D
Siavash was being interviewed for his American citizenship. The interview seemed to be going well, and Siavash was feeling rather confident.
The immigrations officer said, "Okay, there's just one more question. If you can do this, you'll get your US Citizenship. You need to make up a sentence using 'green', 'pink', and 'yellow'. Take all the time you need."
Siavash thought very hard for a minute, and said, "The telephone goes 'green, green, green', I pink it up, and say 'Yellow, this is Siavash'."
Siavash is now working at a call centre for Mastercard.
The immigrations officer said, "Okay, there's just one more question. If you can do this, you'll get your US Citizenship. You need to make up a sentence using 'green', 'pink', and 'yellow'. Take all the time you need."
Siavash thought very hard for a minute, and said, "The telephone goes 'green, green, green', I pink it up, and say 'Yellow, this is Siavash'."
Siavash is now working at a call centre for Mastercard.
