AV Humour

[SARgirl]

Cockpit Placards
http://blog.aopa.org/blog/?p=695
... scroll down to where the 65 responses are posted.


Photo from original post on the above link:
http://blog.aopa.org/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/passengerwarning.jpg


Here are some of the quotes from the 65 responses mentioned above:

“Intentional Straight & Level Flight Prohibited”

“No Drinking No Sex On Final”

“An Aviation Scarf Will Be Worn At All Times When Piloting This Aircraft.”

“Do not touch prop while turning”.  The Inspector thought that was cute.

On a Navion Rangemaster that has one door on the pilot’s side; Door to Operated by Pilot ONLY!
Several Different Planes; If You Must Smoke, Please Step Outside!

On a Decathalon panel, in a shade hangar at SLC: “If Engine Quits, Land Plane”

"UNINTENTIONAL MANEUVERS PROHIBITED"

“To Prevent Injury due to the Extreme Performance of this Aircraft, Female Passengers Should Remove All Undergarments. Pilot Assistance Recommended”.

“Never Run Out of Airspeed, Altitude, and Ideas at the Same Time”

Walt Keith Says:
December 12th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
The Army L-5 Stinson could carry a litter patient if the back seat was removed. A placard on the panel stated “INTENTIONAL SPINS WITH LITTER PATIENTS PROHIBITED”

Dave Says:
December 12th, 2008 at 10:55 am
This isn’t a placard, but it is aviation related. When memorizing the Emergency Procedures section of the trainer’s flight manual, I noticed a truly absurd step that any rational person would not have to be told: if the aircraft caught fire on the ground during startup and the preceding steps did not extinguish the fire, the final step was to “exit the aircraft.”
As if anyone would sit there after doing the first several steps, see the fire was still blazing away, and sit there wondering, “now what?”

Allan Badrow Says:
December 18th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
On all Military C12, (King Air 200) under the engine nacelle.” CAUTION. Disconnect electrical wiring and plumbing before removing wing.” And I thought you could just yank real hard after the bolts were removed.

 

[SARgirl]

Funny Air Traffic Controllers Quotes
http://www.smilespedia.com/funny-air-traffic-controllers-quotes/

Here are some of the quotes from the above link; several on the above link are very funny... too many good ones to post:

Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”


“TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”
“Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”
“Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”

Control tower to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
United 239: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this… I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”


A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked.” Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. “Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded seven-engine approach.”


Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7″
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”
Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers.”

 

[Bass ackwards]

Egy, have you ever seen the "gripes" from Quantas Airlines ?

http://www.osnn.net/showthread.php?t=20307

 

[SARgirl]

Egy, have you ever seen the "gripes" from Quantas Airlines ?

http://www.osnn.net/showthread.php?t=20307

Hilarious!  Thank you for sharing; I couldn't stop laughing.   

 

[SARgirl]

Pilot Jokes
http://www.b737.org.uk/pilotjokes.htm

Again, just a sampling from the above link:

Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing (bolter): You've got to land here, son. This is where the food is.

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR!

Tower: Mission 123, do you have problems?
Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.
Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!

A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.
So, this one time he was approaching a field during the night time.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"

ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."
N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated."

 

[WrenchBender]

egy,
That last one (or parts) is a regular occurance here at KAF, between Contracted helo's (russian) and the ANA, the tower has some entertaining for us, infuriating for them, conversations. I've even heard "Stop right there. Shut down right now, the airport manager is on the way out to talk to you." and sure enough he was.

WrenchBender

 

[SARgirl]

egy,
That last one (or parts) is a regular occurance here at KAF, between Contracted helo's (russian) and the ANA, the tower has some entertaining for us, infuriating for them, conversations. I've even heard "Stop right there. Shut down right now, the airport manager is on the way out to talk to you." and sure enough he was.

WrenchBender

Always interesting to be either in air crew or working with air crews.  :nod:

 

[SARgirl]

None of these are as funny as the ones posted in the link, in an above post, from the thread post made by, 'Bass ackwards' (again- thank you, great read, just so funny), but some of the posts made on the below links make for an alright read.

Low Flying Planes
http://www.pilotfriend.com/humour/jokes/aviation%20humour.htm

'Air to Ground' section from the above link:
http://www.pilotfriend.com/humour/jokes/twr.htm

Controller: "Air Force 53, it appears your engine has... oh... disregard, I see you've already ejected."
----------------------

True conversation heard at Hanover Airport. The young woman in Tower has recently finished her training and is still not completely at ease. BA XXX is at holding position runway 09R. Another aircraft is doing approach procedures for a landing on the same runway. Tower wishes to expedite take-off for BA XXX:

Tower: BA XXX, are you ready for a quickie ?

BA XXX: Lady, I'm always ready for a quickie, but first I have to fly this plane to Helsinki !

----------------------

Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, there's an aircraft on the runway!"
Pilot Trainee: "Roger" (pilot continues approach)
Tower: "Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!"!
Pilot Trainee: "Roger"
The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and continues to the taxiway.

----------------------

A decade ago or so I was in the back seat of a motor-glider being flown to a local airport for some repair work on a noisy muffler.
Control: You're unreadable, say again.
Us: I've turned off the engine, is that better?
Control: L..o..n..g pause

----------------------
One day a radar controller did a mistake in sequencing the traffic for landing, he let a Boeing 747 as number 2 behind a Cessna 172, as it looks very wierd, the B747 started to get closer to the Cessna, the controller instructed the captain of B747 to slow down 180 kts, captain did comply, after a while the controller instructed again the B747 to slow down to 160 knots, few moments later, the controller asked the captain of B747 to slow down to 130 kts! the captain asked the controller:
Capt: do you know at which speed does 747 stall?
contrl: I'm sorry...no idea...you can ask the co-pilot !

 

[SARgirl]

A Bumper Page of Pilot Jokes:
http://www.guy-sports.com/jokes/pilot_jokes.htm
Note the story and photo entitled, ‘More Pilots Needing Help’. 


There are 4 sections on this web page, below I have posted the first section.  Happy Reading!:
http://www.jokesnjokes.net/funny.jokes.amusing.humor.laughs/Transportation/transportation.airplanes.001.htm

Airline Dictionary

The airline industry, like any other, has a specialized dictionary. These are words and phrases that are used commonly by airline employees for which the meanings may not be obvious to outsiders.

At great personal risk on an undercover sting operation, I was able to procure this dictionary. Now I present it to you with no thought to my personal safety in the interest of academic freedom.

Remember folks, "If it ain't Boeing, I ain't going!"

• Air Traffic Control - A game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers. The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for passengers to make connecting flights.

• Baggage Claim - The most difficult area of the airport to find. It is usually hidden by numerous signs saying, "Baggage Claim Area."

• Carry On Bag - An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow managed to fit under the passenger's seat on the inbound flight. Regardless of what the passenger says the following is not acceptable as carry-on items: bicycles, refrigerators, truck tires, or wide screen projection TVs.

• Flight Schedule - An entertaining work of paperback fiction.

• Fog - A natural weather phenomenon, which usually occurs around an airport while the surrounding areas are clear. Fog is controlled by the airlines and is used to delay flights.

• Non-Revenue Position - Usually can be identified by the fact that these passengers are in first class and are dressed in pilot or flight attendant uniforms. Non-revenue position are permitted to fly first class free of charge to prevent revenue passengers from being able to pay first class passenger charges.

• No-Record - Any passenger booked through a travel agency.

• On Time - An obscure term, meaning unknown.

• Passenger - A herding creature of widely varying intellect usually found in pairs or small groups. Often will become vicious and violent in simple and easily rectified situations. When frightened or confused these creatures collect into a group called a "line." This "line" has no set pattern and is usually formed in inconvenient places. Passengers are of four known species: Paxus iratus, Paxus latus, Paxus inebriatus, & Paxus ignoramus.

• Position Closed - This is a sign posted at various counter locations, which when interpreted by the passenger says, "Form line here."

• Pre-Board - Passenger who arrives at the gate five minutes before departure.

• Sign - An airport decoration. Usually unnoticed except by small children. Its primary function is to hide the location of various areas of the airport, i.e., gate numbers, rest rooms, baggage claim, etc.

• Ticket Agent A superhuman with the patience of a saint, the herding ability of an Australian sheepdog, the E.S.P. abilities of Uri Geller, the compassion of a psychoanalysts, and the tact of a diplomat. They have mysterious abilities to control wind/rain/snow/fog and all other weather phenomenon. They are capable of answering three questions at one time, while talking on the phone, and without stuttering or choking on their tongue. Later in life they sit in parks carrying on mysterious conversations with themselves.

• Voluntary Oversell - A passenger who arrives at the gate as the jetway is coming off the flight.

 

[SARgirl]

http://www.jokejam.com/Aviation_jokes.htm

----------

Pilot to tower.

"Pilot to tower. I am 300 miles from land. 600 feet over water and running out of fuel. Please instruct! "

"Tower to pilot. Tower to pilot. Repeat after me, 'Our Father, which art in heaven...'"

----------

RULES OF THE AIRWAYS
... just posting a handful from this section:

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

Everyone knows a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But a 'great landing is one after which you can use the airplane again.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

Was that a landing or were we shot down?

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

----------

Airline Safety
...just a few from this section; several other good ones besides on link.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

----------

More on link.

 

[SARgirl]

The Rapping Flight Attendant:

Video on Break.com
http://www.break.com/index/the-rapping-flight-attendant.html

Same video on YouTube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivjybzdXVmI

... I don't remember getting the information rapped to us from the Load Master when on the Herc. ;D 

Hmmm... out of curiosity, I wonder if there are any rapping Load Master's out there or other fellas in air crews who rap on the job from time to time???  

 

[CEEBEE501]

Ah found it again!! was thinking of it but had to find it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9TugTwO6Zhg

 

[SARgirl]

Ah found it again!! was thinking of it but had to find it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9TugTwO6Zhg

Oopsy Daisy!  That was an expensive lesson.

 

[SARgirl]

Landing at TGU

This first video isn't funny, but it is interesting. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJoXMcehrYo
-clears hills
-clears a cliff with trees and buildings
-goes under a power line
-check out the length of the runway

That's quite the obstacle course!

Here is some additional information about TGU; an interesting read: http://www.airliners.net/aviation-articles/read.main?id=8 

Are there any pilots on this forum who have landed out at TGU???

----------

Top Gun Remake

I thought this video was sort-of-related to AV humor, given the remake is based on a movie about pilots.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TX1sgZVGBUw

----------

AOPA Air Safety Videos:

I like that they use humour to remind, teach and make their point.

Hybrid Airplane: When Your Plane Runs Out of Gas
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mOvijQ0-6-g
The statistical information at the end of the video is interesting.

Sleeping Through Flight School
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHnDWZAehac
... remember the movie, "Ferris Bueller's Day Off".

Real Aviation Heroes
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hr7qke4Jy9s

The AOPA Air Safety Foundation has their own YouTube channel with several videos:
http://www.youtube.com/user/airsafetyfoundation

Several of the videos on the above mentioned channel would be a useful teaching aid for instructors to use with their students... just a short little something to get X message across prior to or part of a lesson. 

 

[SARgirl]

On an above post, I posted a video link for a rapping flight attendant, here are some additional links:

CBS (news story)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhMOnr0GxU8&NR=1

Revision 3 (repeat of original video + commentary by the host of Revision 3)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhMOnr0GxU8&NR=1

 

[SARgirl]

Aeronautical Humor
http://www.strategypage.com/humor/articles/military_jokes_2004840.asp

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore -test pilot)

Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky. (From an old carrier sailor)

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; ...it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal

More on Link.

----------

Rules of the Air
http://www.strategypage.com/humor/articles/20010406.asp

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

More on Link.

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About Pilots
http://www.strategypage.com/humor/articles/military_jokes_2004713.asp

1. As an aviator in flight you can do anything you want... As long  as it's right... And we'll let you know if it's right after you get down.

4. Any flight over water in a single engine airplane will absolutely guarantee abnormal engine noises and vibrations.

5. There are Rules and there are Laws. The rules are made by men who  think that they know better how to fly your airplane than you. The Laws (of Physics) were made by the Great One. You can, and sometimes should, suspend the Rules but you can never suspend the Laws.

6. More about Rules:

    *    The rules are a good place to hide if you don't have a better idea and the talent to execute it.
       
    * If you deviate from a rule, it must be a flawless performance.  (e.g., If you fly under a bridge, don't hit the bridge.)


7. The pilot is the highest form of life on earth.

8. The ideal pilot is the perfect blend of discipline and  aggressiveness.

13. It is absolutely imperative that the pilot be unpredictable. Rebelliousness is very predictable. In the end, conforming almost  all the time is the best way to be unpredictable.

18. About night flying:

    * Remember that the airplane doesn't know that it's dark.
     
    * On a clear, moonless night, never fly between the tanker's lights.
     
    * There are certain aircraft sounds that can only be heard at night.
     
    * If you're going to night fly, it might as well be in the weather  so you can double count your exposure to both hazards.
     
    * Night formation is really an endless series of near misses in equilibrium with each other.
     
    * You would have to pay a lot of money at a lot of amusement parks  and perhaps add a few drugs, to get the same blend of psychedelic sensations as a single  engine night weather flight.

22. Remember that the radio is only an electronic suggestion box for the pilot. Sometimes the only way to clear up a problem is to turn it  off.

25. Mastering the prohibited maneuvers in the Natops Manual is one  of the best forms of aviation life insurance you can get.

26. A tactic done twice is a procedure. (Refer to unpredictability discussion above- 13.) 

29. If a mother has the slightest suspicion that her infant might  grow up to be a pilot, she had better teach him to put things back where he got  them

More on Link.

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"What Time Is It?"
http://www.strategypage.com/humor/articles/20030104.asp

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.

If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.

If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.

If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.

If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.

If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

--------------------------------------------------

Funny Flight Stories
http://www.strategypage.com/humor/articles/funny_flight_stories.asp

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.

While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff".

----------

In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft).

The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?"

"The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it."

He was cleared...

----------

In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California, 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed."

"90 knots" Center replied.

"Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same."

"120 knots," Center answered.

"We weren't the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, 'Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout.'

"There was a slight pause, then the response, 525 knots on the ground, Dusty".

"Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison." "Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?"

There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots"

"No further inquiries were heard on that frequency"

----------
More on Link.

 

[SARgirl]

This usually isn't what I have in mind when wanting to play with or in a helicopter, but they do look fun... a nice toy, I would definitely have fun playing with these. ;D 8) 

Dear St. Nicholas', for Christmas this year... ... ...

Airshow 2005 Covilha (Portugal)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qwoyUNgKrf0

 

[SARgirl]

Some are humourous, some are simply a good read.

Lessons of a Vietnam Helicopter Crewman
http://usmilitary.about.com/library/miljokes/blhelicopterlessons.htm

1. Once you are in the fight, it is way too late to wonder if this is a good idea.

3. It is a fact that helicopter tail rotors are instinctively drawn toward trees, stumps, rocks, etc. While it may be possible to ward off this natural event some of the time, it cannot, despite the best efforts of the crew, always be prevented. It's just what they do.

4. NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition than the other guy.

5. The engine RPM, and the rotor RPM, must BOTH be kept in the GREEN. Failure to heed this commandment can affect the morale of the crew.

12. The terms "Protective Armor" and "Helicopter" are mutually exclusive.

16. If everything is as clear as a bell, and everything is going exactly as planned, you're about to be surprised.

17. The BSR (Bang Stare Read) Theory states that the louder the sudden bang in the helicopter, the quicker your eyes will be drawn to the gauges.

18. The longer you stare at the gauges, the less time it takes them to move from green to red.

20. No matter what you do, the bullet with your name on it will get you. So too can the ones addressed "To Whom It May Concern".

23. If you are wearing body armor, the incoming will probably miss that part.

30. Air superiority is NOT a luxury.

33. While the rest of the crew may be in the same predicament, it's almost always the pilot's job to arrive at the crash site first.

--> 35. Loud sudden noises in a helicopter WILL get your undivided attention.

37. WHAT is often more important than WHY.

41. There is no such thing as a small firefight.

43. The farther you fly into the mountains, the louder the strange engine noises become.

48. Running out of pedal, fore or aft cyclic, or collective are all bad ideas. Any combination of these can be deadly.

54. C-4 can make a dull day fun.

58. Nobody cares what you did yesterday or what you are going to do tomorrow. What is important is what you are doing NOW to solve our problem.

61. A sucking chest wound may be God's way of telling you it's time to go home.

62. Prayer may not help . . . but it can't hurt.

63. Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running. Running is better than crawling. All of these however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac, even if this is technically a form of flying.

64. If everyone does not come home none of the rest of us can ever fully come home either.

67. "You have the right to remain silent" is always EXCELLENT advice. 

More on Link.

 

[SARgirl]

Army Helicopter Crash
http://usmilitary.about.com/od/militaryhumor/a/chopcrash.htm

While practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s.

As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place...

Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"

Cobra: "I don't know Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."

 

[SARgirl]

Heli Humor
http://footflyer.com/Articles/JustForFun/AviationHumor/heli_humor.htm

You can always tell a helicopter pilot in anything moving: a train, an airplane, a car or a boat. They never smile, they are always listening to the machine and they always hear something they think is not right.

Flying a helicopter at any altitude over 500 feet is considered reckless and should be avoided. Flying a helicopter at any altitude or condition that precludes a landing in less than 20 seconds is considered outright foolhardy. Remember in a helicopter you have about 1 second to lower the collective in an engine failure before the craft becomes unrecoverable. Once you've failed this maneuver the machine flies about as well as a 20 case Coke machine. Even a perfectly executed autorotation only gives you a glide ratio slightly better than that of a brick.

While hovering, if you start to sink a bit, you pull up on the collective while twisting the throttle, push with your left foot (more torque) and move the stick left (more translating tendency) to hold your spot. If you now need to stop rising, you do the opposite in that order. Sometimes in wind you do this many times each second. Don't you think that's a strange way to fly?

For Helicopters: You never want to feel a sinking feeling in your gut (low "g" pushover) while flying a two bladed under slung teetering rotor system. You are about to do a snap-roll to the right and crash. For that matter, any remotely aerobatic maneuver should be avoided in a Huey. Don't push your luck. It will run out soon enough anyway. If everything is working fine on your helicopter consider yourself temporarily lucky. Something is about to break.

Harry Reasoner once wrote the following about helicopter pilots: "The thing is, helicopters are different from planes. An airplane by its nature wants to fly, and if not interfered with too strongly by unusual events or by an incompetent pilot, it will fly. A helicopter does not want to fly. It is maintained in the air by a variety of forces and controls working in opposition to each other. Having said all this, I must admit that flying in a helicopter is one of the most satisfying and exhilarating experiences I have ever enjoyed: skimming over the tops of trees at 100 knots is something we should all be able to do, at least once".

And remember the fighter pilot's prayer: "Lord I pray for the eyes of an eagle, the heart of a lion and the courage of a combat helicopter pilot."

More on Link.