- Reaction score
- 2
- Points
- 430
I got this one from ze frau.....
*CHILI COOK-OFF *
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. Apparently, this is an actual account as relayed to
paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .
**Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived inTexas, you know how true this is.They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .
Judge ..3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Hartford, Connecticut .
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for direction to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI #1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge .. 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge .. 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge .. 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI #2 - ARIAL AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge .. 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeño tang.
Judge .. 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge .. 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI #3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge .. 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge .. 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge .. 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, and
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest I'm getting @!&&-faced
from all of the beer.
CHILI #4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge .. 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge .. 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge .. 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.woman is
starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI #5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge .. 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge .. 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge .. 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked
me to stop screaming. Scr*w them.
CHILI #6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge .. 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge .. 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge .. 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone.
CHILI #7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge .. 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge .. 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge .. 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge .. 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Scr*w it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach
CHILI #8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI..
Judge .. 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge .. 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge ..3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge .. 3 - No Report
*CHILI COOK-OFF *
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. Apparently, this is an actual account as relayed to
paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .
**Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived inTexas, you know how true this is.They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .
Judge ..3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Hartford, Connecticut .
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for direction to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI #1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge .. 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge .. 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge .. 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI #2 - ARIAL AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge .. 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeño tang.
Judge .. 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge .. 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI #3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge .. 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge .. 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge .. 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, and
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest I'm getting @!&&-faced
from all of the beer.
CHILI #4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge .. 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge .. 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge .. 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.woman is
starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI #5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge .. 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge .. 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge .. 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked
me to stop screaming. Scr*w them.
CHILI #6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge .. 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge .. 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge .. 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone.
CHILI #7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge .. 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge .. 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge .. 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge .. 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Scr*w it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach
CHILI #8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI..
Judge .. 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge .. 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge ..3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge .. 3 - No Report
wheres the beer 
