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Just needing a sounding board.

gryphonv

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It's been awhile since I posted here. But I just wanted to sound off on some issues I have been experiencing. Not sure if this is the right place for me to post this. I apologize in advance for a long post. I also apologize for my time line being all over the place.

Let me preface all of this with saying I am not in any immediate danger.

I medically released just under 2 years ago. At the time I was very optimistic about my future and possibly a little naive.

I released for a physical issue, but at the same time I was going through some serious mental health issues. Even though I was very sad about leaving the family I had over the last decade of my life. I was a both excited and scared about my future.

I released under SISIP Manulife Voc Rehab, and my case manager with them has been great. Unfortunately over the last two years I've had two medical withdrawals from both programs I attempted to retrain in. Now I'm approaching the end of the 2 year VOC rehab and I'm facing the prospect of either having my financial benefits cut off, or having them extended indefinitely. While my case manage is supportive and giving me little reason to worry. Its hard not to.

Although my physical condition has slightly worsened. My mental health has taken a turn for the worse and is a huge barrier for me in every aspect of my life. I suffer from persistent depressive disorder, anxiety, and possibly other conditions as well.

I've relocated over this time, moved to be closer to family, etc. All these seem to be are bandaids for some other major issues.

I am also in contact with my local VAC office. Though my current case manager has been very absent and not following through with commitments they made to me. I've since requested a new case manager and made that very clear with both VAC and my current Case Manager, though I wouldn't be surprised if this takes a very long time to go through. I hope this don't sound like a 'me, me, me' thing. It's just my current VAC Case Manager and I are not a good fit.

Before I relocated I had a psychologist that I've been seeing every couple weeks for a few years. Since I relocated I haven't had yet had the fortune of finding a good fit in that area. I've been lucky on getting a family doctor that refereed me to local psychiatry to get assessed, but that hasn't came to pass yet.

While I was in, I went to addictions rehab twice. First in BC, and second in NS. The last one was just before my release because I wanted to prepare the best I could for my release. The one in BC was an inpatient service and the one in NS an outpatient.

While I 'mostly' enjoyed both services, it was several years after my BC rehab that I was discussing my release assessment with my psychologist. On the assessment it had me labeled as an 'Alcoholic' which couldn't be further from the truth, while I can give many reasons why this is inaccurate while sounding like an alcoholic that is in denial. I'm fully accepting of my addictions, but this is/was a false assessment. At the reveal of this a lot of emotions came back. But it also brought 1 thing to the forefront of everything, something that I had buried deep in my conscious. I was sexually assaulted while at the rehab, while I feel it was on the low end of the sexual assault spectrum, it still in my eyes is sexual assault. Not by a staff member, but by another person going through the rehab. Staff was made aware of it, and I feel they dealt with it incorrectly. Suffice to say, both the person and I were kept at the rehab, just we didn't have any more interaction from then on .

I didn't realize recently how much this is affecting me. Now almost 7 years after the event, it is becoming more and more focused in my thoughts. I'm not trying to destroy the credibility of that rehab center either. As they did provide some benefit to me in the long term. Though now as I find I'm left more often alone with my thoughts. I know its an issue.

Moving on from that. VAC has both accepted and approved mental health and physical health awards from previous assessments. I'll be due for reassessments on both in the next year or so.

I honestly don't know the main point of my post. I'm not writing it for a pity party, or anything of the like. I just felt it is something I needed to get off my chest. I want to reiterate that I'm not at any danger of self harm currently. Though its hard for me to stay optimistic about this going into my future. I'm just at the point of my life where I feel so useless and seem to be failing everything I attempt. I honestly don't remember the last time I've experienced Joy.

Anyways If you read this far, thank you. No need to reply, I'm just thankfull this hasn't fallen on deaf ears.








 

Eye In The Sky

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Sometimes we just need to vent and put it out there, and if you've felt like you've got no one close to you that you can bend their ear, well at least here you know there are some others who've gone thru similar things.

Sounds like the last 7? or so years have been full of challenges, and you're still hanging in and making steps forward.  Don't give up (easier said than done sometimes...) but as long as every day you're still putting on foot in front of the other, no matter how slowly...that's progress right there.
 

Teager

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One thing about SISIP that I didn't realize was that once your 2 year assessment comes up to either stay with SISIP or be released from them is that they take your level of education into consideration when making that decision.

If they keep you beyond the 2 years you will still have access to the education of you want it and you aren't under any time restraints. Meaning you could take a program part time over 4 years instead of going full time under there initial 2 year deadline. Hopefully this helps ease some of the stress. As Eye said stay positive and keep moving forward.
 

TCM621

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Gryphonv, don't feel bad about venting here. A lot of us have had our own battles to fight  so while we may not be able to relate to your specific challenges, we can at least relate to the fight.

It sounds to me like you know where your issues lie and are still motivated to work on them, you have just hit a bit of a speed bump lately and doubt is beginning to creep in. Just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward until you get through this rough patch.

Have you thought about contacting OSISS? I had a chance to speak with one of their reps at the last medical scan seminar I was at  and you might find some people who can support you while you go through this period. Their website is:
https://www.cfmws.com/en/aboutus/dcsm/osiss/pages/operational-stress-injury-social-support-(osiss).aspx/en/index.html
It might be worth giving them a call.
 
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