LEO Witticisms

[paracowboy]

lifted from a LEO forum:

Knucklehead: “My taxes pay your salary!”
Officer: “So do mine. This one's on me.”

Perp: “The cuffs are too tight!”
Officer: “Yeah, they're new. They'll stretch out.”

Situation: Night time. Foot pursuit of a perp through the projects. Rookie on foot, Officer in the vehicle following them. Perp runs down an embankment by a bridge and into some tall weeds. Rookie goes right after him before the Officer can stop him. Fighting noises break out. Officer stands on the top of the embankment trying to locate the perp and the rookie.
WHACK, THUMP, ZAP, BIFF, POW... etc.
Officer: “Light him up!”
WHACK-THUMP-POW
Rookie: “I AM!”
WHACK-THUMP-POW
Officer: “Use your flashlight!”
WHACKWHACKWHACKWHACK
Rookie: “I AM!”
WHACK-DING-WHACK-DING
Officer: “Turn. It. On!”
Rookie: “Oh.”
Click.
Suspect in custody, en route to hospital.

Officer pulls over a vehicle for speeding on a lonely stretch of road at night. The driver is a huge, mean-looking, SOB. The officer calls him out of the car and has him walk back to the cruiser.
Driver: “You know, there's no one around here, something really bad could happen out here.”
Officer: “That's right, and there'd be no witnesses either.”
Driver: “Uh, yeah. Can I go now?”

Driver: “awww, come on! I know you guys have sort of quota you have to meet, that why you pulled ME over!”
Officer: “That’s correct, one more tonight and I get the free toaster the wife has had her eye on!”

A story about a disturbance where cops are clearing a house for a dude with a gun. A single female with about 8 kids was going on and on about how she "takes care of her kids (insert head roll)," and "you don't have a right to be in my apartment" and "goin’ through all of my shit" blah blah blah.....
A cop that will go nameless says, "Hey lady, where do you work?"
The female replies that she is a stay at home mom. The cop asks how she feeds her kids, and the female says that she "gets checks from the state."
The cop says, "Oh, so that means that I am taking care of your kids, not you, 'cause my taxes are paying for their food, this apartment, and that big screen over there. As a matter of fact, since I paid for all of this, it is my shit, not yours. So sit down and shut up while I look through my shit."

“Take your hands off the car one more time, and I will make your birth certificate a worthless document”

A citizen told an old, crusty Officer "I live in this city and pay taxes, so I pay your salary." The Officer pulled a quarter from his pocket, flipped it to the guy and said, "Well, here's your refund. Now shut up."

 

[Sig_Des]

Party room in the shacks, (which base will remain nameless). Loads of people, loads of booze, possibly a bit loud.

MPs show up, tell us to keep it down.

One individual who may have not been able to hold his liquor too well:

"Hey MCpl, do you want a beer?"

"Do you want to spend your evening somewhere else?"

 

[zipperhead_cop]

My favorite response to the "I pay your salary" is generally "gee, thanks.  So technically you are paying me to give you a ticket.  Ha, that's kind of ironic, isn't it?".  Insert mock enthusiasm in voice. 

As far as the quota comment:  "Our Department got rid of quotas a long time ago.  Now I can give out as many as I want". 

Invariably, the smallest guys always want to fight.  I think it is some sort of badge of honour to go to the county jail with your skull creased, or some such convoluted criminal thought like that.  Most times, when I get something stupid like "you think you can take me down" I just say "How about this, let's just pretend that you fought me, and lost and we can skip all the uncomfortable kissing pavement/stitches/bleeding in between parts". 

And just for fun, when you are talking to a drunk, sway ever so slightly from side to side, back and forth.  If you do it right, and the drunk is close, sometimes you can make them hurl (get ready to jump back). 

My only other guilty pleasure is going into ghetto houses where there are two and three year olds and while my partner is dealing with the crackhead parent, taking time to teach the kids how to say "job security".  HAHAHA!!  I always love that one!

 

[Bruce Monkhouse]

Invariably, the smallest guys always want to fight.  I think it is some sort of badge of honour to go to the county jail with your skull creased, or some such convoluted criminal thought like that.   

Yup, cause it always took at least "three of those pussies to bring me down". 

..and when nobodys listening....

"Boss, can I see the nurse, :crybaby: my head hurts" :crybaby:

 

[zipperhead_cop]

We had a great one a few weeks ago.  Asshat ends up with minor injuries and demands to go to the hospital.  Our policy these days is that if they want to go, we have to let them.  Just a time wasting tactic, and sometimes just something to perhaps facilitate an escape. 
So this tool is pinned to the bed, and is being a foul mouthed jagoff.  He is just coming off a rock, and is pretty bent about being in custody (another one of those "I'll never go back to jail, they'll have to shoot me first, and I'll take a bunch with me" only to end up whimpering about a sprained wrist). 
One of the nurses comes in and advises him of what will be going on, and she will need a blood and urine sample.  The guy starts calling her everything, including the dreaded "C" word.  My partner and I know what is coming, and I tell him "dude, you can be pissed at us, but for your own sake, do not piss off the nurses".  Of course, he tells us to piss up a rope, and keeps being a dink.  I see the nurse talking to one of the younger ones, and she is saying "Oh, he'll be getting the catheter all right".  She is standing at a rack of sterile catheter tubes of varying sizes.  Being a bit of a smart ass myself, I ask what sort of training she had to do to know how to get the right size.  She replies "age and gender, but mostly attitude.  He's looking at a 16 gauge".  She shows me this rubber device that looks as thick as a medium point Sharpie marker and my partner and I are already instinctively crossing our legs and cringing.  She goes and offers buddy one more chance to give a urine sample the normal way, and he suggests other things she can do with his unit while she is down there.  As she pulls the curtain, she says to us "that just cost him his lube". 
SWEET.  MOTHER. OF. PEARL. 
So here is this rounder.  Actually did nine years for attempt murder and has a fairly full criminal record.  Definitely what you would call a hardened criminal.  Next we hear this terrible, tortured crying "nononopleasenoowowowowononon,ohhhnonono, ohgodgod please,noawwwwhuuhaaaawnononon" at least five octaves higher than what his voice should have been.  Partner and I are both starting to get stomach aches and you can hear the nurses "you just have to relax and sit still.  Now we are going to have to start again" for about four more attempts.  Just brutal. 
After, the younger nurse is asking "I could get the tube to a certain spot, but it wouldn't go farther, what was I doing wrong".  Says the senior one "he must have had a bit of an enlarged prostate.  When you get that sometimes you just have to (now picture said nurse making a thrust gesture with her hand not unlike stabbing someone in the heart) GIVE 'ER".  My partner and I are about ready to collapse at that point, and the asshat is remarkably quiet at this point. 

The moral of the story?

DO NOT PISS OFF THE NURSES

 

[BEN 621]

Re. the typical smart-a** quota comment:

"Actually, I met my quota yesterday. This one is for fun."

I find that stuns them for a few moments. And guarantees court time.

 

[BEN 621]

Zipperhead_Cop:

I almost pee'd myself reading your nurses story.
They never learn, do they? Same rule applies for paramedics too.

 

[zipperhead_cop]

One of my favorite sayings is "some lessons need to be leared by living them".  Where better than in policing do you see that every single time you roll out? 

 

[GO!!!]

<Driving onto Edmonton Garrison>

I pass the sign that says "School Zone - 30km/h 800am-430pm"

Pulled over by MPs.

The MP requests licence, registration and insurance, all of which is in order, and proceeds to say;

"Do you know why you're getting a ticket?"

Me: "No"

MP: "You were driving 50 in a school zone!"

Me: "But that's only until 4:30 - it is 5:17!"

MP: "Well, you can explain that to... <looks at watch, looks at writing pad>... consider this a warning"

 

 

[BEN 621]

For the drunks looking for a ride home:

"I know you're drunk, so I'll clarify: it says 'POLICE' on the side of my car, not 'TAXI'. So no, I won't drive you home because you drank your cab-fare."

 

[fourninerzero]

From my dad, years of exp in LE and several military prior to that (including serving with the CAR)

in a fight in edmonton

perp "hey man, I was an airborne commando, I'll kill ya mother****** blank blankety blank blank"

Dad "guess what, I was airborne too"

beating insues, perp subdued

 

[portcullisguy]

A gentleman of "questionable social and moral character" got me good once.

Customs secondary exam, large Canadian airport.  Passenger who resembles cross between Steven Segal (looks-wise) and Marlon Brando (speech and mannerisms) comes into secondary area, slams gym bag down, exclaims "Search me, I got nothing, go ahead," setting tone for interesting exam.

During exam, I find that the passenger has no credit cards, no driver's licence, only a passport and about $100 in cash, and just arrived from a Caribbean trip where he stopped in every drug source country our intel people have a file on.  Passenger lives in Quebec, which is some 5 hrs away by car.  Has criminal record for assault.

Me:  "So, how do you plan to get home?  You've got no driver's licence, you have no credit cards, only a hundred bucks in cash, and you claim no one is waiting for you outside."

Mr Personality:  "I dunno.  Maybe I'll walk.  Maybe I'll ride a bike.  Who knows?  What do you care?"

!!!

Couldn't argue with that logic!  And, finding no reason in law to detain him further, had to let him go!

 

[vonGarvin]

DO NOT PISS OFF THE NURSES

must.........not.........piss...........off............the..............nurses..............EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Marauder]

Hey Zip, can you PM the name of those RNs? I have a few in mind who it might be, bless their dark little hearts. (I trained in HDH ER about two/three years ago).

 

[zipperhead_cop]

Hey Zip, can you PM the name of those RNs? I have a few in mind who it might be, bless their dark little hearts. (I trained in HDH ER about two/three years ago).

How about you PM with your suggestions, and I'll confirm or deny.  Wouldn't want to brew up anyone  ;D

Here is another one of my favorite stories:
One of the guys we work with is a life time body builder and is stronger than damn silverback gorilla.  But it is a natural build, and in uniform with a jacket on he just looks average.  He goes to a call where there is a known Drouillard Road tough guy that always likes to fight police.  Sure enough, on arrival tough guy is drunk, chiming off and wanting a fight.  The officer extends his baton as a visual deterant, but the tough guy says "I'm gonna shove that up your A$$" and charges him.  So now the fight is on, and because it is now a close quarters on-the-ground brawl, he can't effectively use his baton, but keeps it in his hand to make a tighter fist and to retain it in case it got used against him.  The tough guy is matching him face shot for face shot.  Every time our guy gets a punch in and pulls back for the next hit, he is getting drilled right back.  Having been in several good fights, our guy is actually thinking "Holy Crap, this guy really is tough.  I'm unloading on him with everything I have".  The fight rages on for several minutes with no other officers on the way, because things went too fast for him to get to his radio.  It finally occurs to our guy that the tough guy isn't really acting the right way.  About the same time he realizes that in punching with the extended baton in his hand, he is nailing himself in the face with his own baton when he is pulling back from the previous punch, and is on top of a very unconscious bad guy.  Go straight to hospital, do not pass through the Detention Unit. 
But they worked it out old school.  Tough guy criminal didn't get charged with the initial assault, and in turn he didn't complain about looking like a dried apple head doll for a few weeks. 
Strangely, tough guy didn't act like as much of a dink after that.    ^-^

 

[IrishCanuck]

How about you PM with your suggestions, and I'll confirm or deny.  Wouldn't want to brew up anyone  ;D

Here is another one of my favorite stories:
One of the guys we work with is a life time body builder and is stronger than damn silverback gorilla.  But it is a natural build, and in uniform with a jacket on he just looks average.  He goes to a call where there is a known Drouillard Road tough guy that always likes to fight police.  Sure enough, on arrival tough guy is drunk, chiming off and wanting a fight.  The officer extends his baton as a visual deterant, but the tough guy says "I'm gonna shove that up your A$$" and charges him.  So now the fight is on, and because it is now a close quarters on-the-ground brawl, he can't effectively use his baton, but keeps it in his hand to make a tighter fist and to retain it in case it got used against him.  The tough guy is matching him face shot for face shot.  Every time our guy gets a punch in and pulls back for the next hit, he is getting drilled right back.  Having been in several good fights, our guy is actually thinking "Holy Crap, this guy really is tough.  I'm unloading on him with everything I have".  The fight rages on for several minutes with no other officers on the way, because things went too fast for him to get to his radio.  It finally occurs to our guy that the tough guy isn't really acting the right way.  About the same time he realizes that in punching with the extended baton in his hand, he is nailing himself in the face with his own baton when he is pulling back from the previous punch, and is on top of a very unconscious bad guy.  Go straight to hospital, do not pass through the Detention Unit. 
But they worked it out old school.  Tough guy criminal didn't get charged with the initial assault, and in turn he didn't complain about looking like a dried apple head doll for a few weeks. 
Strangely, tough guy didn't act like as much of a dink after that.    ^-^

:rofl:

 

[rregtc-etf]

Pulled over a female driver for not wearing her seatbelt.

Q.  Why are you not wearing your seatbelt ?

A.  I'm pregnant

The woman was at least 70 years old.  We laughed, she put on her seatbelt and continued on her way