On Balding and Hair Dye ~ The Tangent

[armyvern]

Do tell. >

;D

I shall tell all.  ;D

Sorry, no pics available. 

WAX is "Not your Friend"

CAUTION: This is a true story...EGADS!!

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their
promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady,
scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come
home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the
thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the
next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit
out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site
of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a
clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in
your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and
press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull
the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it
be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically
inclined enough to figure this out. !

(Cripes... YA THINK!?!  )

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips
facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing
them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the
hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"
yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold
the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it
wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can
do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am
She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of
smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on
the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the
ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties
and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side
of my bikini line, covering the right half of my
*hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt
cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and
brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY
GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only
managed to pull off half the strip. OH NO! What have I
done???!!! Another deep breath and RRIIP! P!!
Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass
out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing
drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one
that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt
sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is
my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS
THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the
toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the
strip. I touch. I am touching wax.

WHAT?! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part
of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and
matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is
still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do
something. So I put my foot down. My LIFE FLASHES
BEFORE ME!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.

*hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure
out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let
me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"

What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water
melts wax!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand
into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits
and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off,
right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than
that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize
surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether
regions glued together is having them glued together
and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding
hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I
had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months
ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before
and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a
very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and
hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret
tricks for removal but she does try to hide her
laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the
wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I
give her the rundown and she suggests I call the
number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!!

I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to
scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels
better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot
wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water
and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a
major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need
Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see
my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove
the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this
point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the
dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, I but I really don't care. "IT
WORKS!! It works!!"

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she
hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and
then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS
STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.
Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at
this point. Next week I'll trying dying my hair.

 

[PMedMoe]

OMG!! I think I have to go home for the rest of the day........

:rofl:

 

[GAP]

I'm still waiting for the second part......hair coloring

 

[armyvern]

I'm still waiting for the second part......hair coloring

Geez dude ... It says next week!! Just how fast do you think hair grows back ??  >

 

[Journeyman]

:rofl:

I think I need oxygen. "girlie goodies"  too funny.

 

[deedster]

OMG...I can't concentrate anymore...too funny
:rofl:

 

[Zell_Dietrich]

I'm sorry you went through such a painfull experence.  With that said, thank you for sharing - I laughed so hard I cried.

 

[CdnArtyWife]

Vern...

I'm crying from laughing...but I also feel your pain. Been there, done that sistah-friend!

:rofl:

 

[Michael OLeary]

So, is that a Vagina Monologue?

 

[armyvern]

Vern...

I'm crying from laughing...but I also feel your pain. Been there, done that sistah-friend!

:rofl:

Ohhh, it's so NOT my true story ... I let the pros handle it!! I may be dumb, but I am far from stupid!!!

I may have been the girl laughing on the phone however!!

 

[Reccesoldier]

:rofl:

Oh my dear god...

:rofl:

Thanks for sharing Vern

 

[Mike Baker]

My stomach hurts from laughing.....I can hardly type :rofl: :rofl:

 

[Yrys]

:rofl:

Thank God it wasn't me, I'm sensitive to pain ...

 

[armyvern]

Folks!! This is NOT my true story!!

This story flows from the "9 rules for women," one of which is "Wax is NOT your friend."

The story has been greatly expanded upon over the years and made better through vast modifications/additions/deletions and no-one really knows who turned the simple "rule" into the story.

It is a funny story. That's it. Snopes probably has it in their archives.


All that being said, I will provide you with the details of "Dying Experiences" next week ... That is something I have experience in. Like I said, I leave the waxing to the pros.  8)

 

[Journeyman]

So you're serious.....there's no pics  :'(

>

 

[armyvern]

So you're serious.....there's no pics   :'(

>

Well, I suppose I could take pics of dying experiences next week...  >


NOT!!!

 

[armyvern]

I know it hasn't been a week but I just couldn't stand it any longer!! I'm itchy!!

Designing Woman

CAUTION: Always read package labels carefully!!

Room design, remodelling, whatever.
Design is all about having the carpet match the draperies.
Us women are well aware of that rule;
As are most gay men.

After all what’s a little personal redesign between friends?
How tough can it be really?
Even Marilyn Monroe pulled it off in the 50s and 60s.
Yeah so, she had it done professionally, but my gawd times have changed!!
Chemicals have changed.
We’ve progressed in the world.

With that in mind, I’m setting out today to reupholster the
aforementioned girlie goods.
Why you ask??
I’ll let you in on a little secret …
Once shaven, man they are
stiff and pokey...and very itchy!!

Not nice, not comfortable …
Extremely itchy.
Crap, by the parts-scratching the re-growth caused
I’m quite sure the diagnosis of my condition by people
completely unaware of my wax dilemma would have been

CRABS!!

Gawd
Look at her scratch,
she’s got them critters bad
and on her poor girlie goods too!!

I’m serious,
I could see it in their eyes today;
and hear it in their laughter as they stood behind me in the check-out aisle.

They failed to notice my saving grace though.
It was right there going through the checkout at 10 freakin’ bucks a box;
The miracle is # 46 Red Copper Auburn.

You see my intention is not to simply change the colour;
The re-growth already matches the curtains.
It’s the damn texture that now needs work.

I know I’m onto the “cure”
because I quietly opened a box in the pharmaceutical section
and checked out its contents!!
Eureka!!
This is going to be the best 10 bucks I’ve ever spent!!

You see, inside there’s this little tube of “Conditioning Creme” and heck,
putting on my Librarian glasses to read the minute print,
I can clearly see the following:
“Colour Protective Conditioner helps lock in colour vibrancy…”
(whatever … like I care … the colour is not what I’m after, I’m soooooo there already!!)
“for silky and resilient hair.”
Yes baby!!!! Bingo.

Silky and resilient is exactly what my scratchy condition
dictates as the miracle of all cures.
I rock!!
And at this point in time I’m convinced that L’Oreal does too!!

I glance at the box and read all the little label warnings …
I get this:
“May cause allergic reaction.”
No problem!!
You know how it is eh girls?
When the sun does weird things to your natural colour and you need to sort it out?
I’ve done this before … to the draperies … no allergic reaction!!
I'm in.

Next:
“This product must not be used for dying the eyelashes or eyebrows
To do so may cause blindness.”
Egads … do such idiots actually exist out there??
Really who cares?? I’m all about the carpet.
I am good to go!!

I slide my discovery back into its box and proceed to the checkout;
scratching and digging at myself like a man as I go.
Yep, the stares and giggles are really pissing me off.
I’m being tortured by my own damn body!!
Thank gawd I’m already married because there is
no way in hell I’d ever manage to pull of a date
in this entire province after this escapade.
No doubt I’m famous by sunrise.

So I’ve got myself home now,
Drop the clothes immediately upon walking in the door.
That’s right …
All the clothes.
Ladies with experience in dying their hair can all
attest to the fact that this stuff stains clothes!!
So relax everyone.
I’m saving my husband money in the long run by saving my clothes.

Cripes, to do my drapes only takes ½ a box, and I know the rules
“Never use only a partial quantity of the mixture.”
5 bucks gets dumped down the drain when I do my hair
so in this case I'm dumping approximately $7.50 down the pipes.

But hell, everyone in PEI
now thinks I have the lobster’s distant cousin roaming my bits.
It’s got to be fixed immediately.
It’s very worth it.

I move slowly towards the torture chamber from last week;
pulling out the instructions as I go.
I’m not going to screw it up this time.
I’ll follow the instructions to the letter,
no more unwelcome surprises for this girl!!

Hmmmm,
Ensure you wear latex gloves provided … check.
Perform strand test to determine possible allergy …
pfffft, nope been here before and I really can’t afford
to waste another 5 minutes scratching myself raw now can I?

Hmmm … where the heck are the “pre-dying prep instructions” for the girlie goods area???
I put on my glasses once again. I must have overlooked them.
Tear off the silly (but apparently useful) gloves attached to the page…

Hmmmm, now I’m not really sure that the conditioner
will have it’s desired relieving affect if I don’t use the dye first.
The instructions simply don’t cover it.
I’ll go with the dye job AND the conditioning … just to make sure!!
I read on, still in search of the elusive “prep steps” to the carpet job.

WHAT!!??!!
WTF??!!??
What the hell do you mean
“This product is not intended for use in the eye or vaginal area.”
The friggin’ box didn’t say that!!
It only vetoed the eye area and what numpty wouldn’t know that already??

I consider my options.
$10.00 down the pipes …
or $2.50 on the snapper?
Cripes I’m itchy.
The snapper wins the debate.

Really how bad can it be?
I know I’m not allergic …
I’ll just be very careful.
I’m a woman; I am capable of that …
sometimes.

So off we go.
I put on the gloves
I pour bottle A into bottle B,
twist off the little cap,
stick my gloved finger over the tip and
mix it up.
This is a fine art indeed.

No problem.
I prop my left leg up on toilet
keeping my sensitive bits visible and free from what I’m about to do.
Glance at the watch to mark the time.
15 minutes from now, I am going to be feeling so much better!!

I fill up the sink with water, so I can rush in to wash down any drips
as per package instructions.
Gently I squeeze the cure from the bottle,
steady girl …

Crap!! I don’t know my own strength!!
Emergency stations!!
Huge dribble now rushing downwards towards the out-of-bounds area!!
I plunge my gloved hands into the water
to wash off the excess and apparently very dangerous flow…

Whew, I am safe.
I’ve got it all!!
Glancing at the sink, the realization hits me
I can’t use that water anymore …
It’s contaminated with dye
I need fresh water should there be anymore need to save my bits.

I pull the plug and drain it. Crisis averted.
Wow, I’m doing so much better at dying than waxing!!

Wait a minute …
Didn’t the instructions say something about applying dye to clean dry hair only?
My gloves are soaked.
I carefully remove them to reconsult instructions again.
I want to get this right!!

Yep, there it is … dry hair …
Really. Who needs the soaked gloves anyway?
It’s not like I’m dying an entire living room carpet, just a small swatch.

10 seconds of gloveless fingers is all I need to
ensure I’ve thoroughly covered each hair from root to tip
as per the instructions.

This is not difficult!!
I can do it!!
I have faith in me!!

I remove the cover from the dye bottle.
It’s probably best if I just put a blob onto my fingers then swirl it around the patch-work anyway.
Much easier to control and no chance of over squeezing onto the essential bits.

And so that’s what I do,
placing the un-topped bottle containing the useless $7.50 worth
of excess dye onto the sink counter-top.
Piece of cake of cake.
I do rock!!

I start the 15 minute clock over again.
What to do, what to do??
May as well go out and stand in front of the computer
surfing Army.ca to make the time go by.
That’s normal for me.
I’m just usually sitting down for it.

I walk into my living room.
Shit. Forgot to wash dye off hands.
Twaddle back to the bathroom,
I’ll worry about the damned keyboard later.

Hello!!
The fingers on my right hand are now stained a lovely shade of red.
They don’t look good, but heck what can one do about it now.
The boys at work are sure to have a few comments about that tomorrow.

I dry my hands off and grab some toilet paper
to decontaminate the keyboard with.
Actually the keys don’t look half as bad as my fingers do.
It could be worse I guess.
Another crises averted.

Time check.
Yes!! It’s been 10 minutes of site surfing …
(if the guy who PMd me only knew what I was really up to!!)
5 minutes to go until I’m in heaven again.
This is so easy I’m now considering making
a second career of it.

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!
What the heck??
I only have 5 minutes to go!!
If this is that wench next door burning her toast again
causing an evacuation of my apartment digs
I am going to be pissed.

What to do, what to do?
No time to wash off as per the instructions …
It could be a real emergency this time!!
I grab my blue bathrobe throwing it around my naked-except-for-dye self.

I rush across the hall;
I’ve got to assist the elderly lady who lives there,
putting my arm under hers and
carrying her oxygen tank for her.
We hastily move out into the parking area
to await the quick (I hope) arrival of the Fire Department.

We’re out,
safe and sound.
I glance at the watch.
Wow, I’m quick!! I’ve got three minutes left.

This oxygen tank is heavy.
I lean over to place it on the ground!!
Cripes!! I stumble.
I should have let go of my neighbour’s arm before attempting this feat.

I’ll be OK.
You think??
Oh noooooooooo, I have managed to smear the dye onto the girlie goods.
Come on firemen!!
Giddy up and get here quick!

Relax. Deep breaths. Don’t move.
Don’t make the situation any worse than it already is.
Getting very tingly down there!!
And not in a good way.
Ahhhh they’re here!! 2 minutes to go.
Off into the building they go to do their checks.
What the heck took them so long??

It’s a damn good thing too,
Cripes, I am beginning to burn!!!
My crotch is on fire!!! Never mind the building!!
OMG….
The pain!!!

Unbelievable and unbearable pain!!
I can’t take it anymore …
I begin digging at the goods furiously through the bathrobe.
I’ve got to get this dye off of me!!

What the hell is the cost of a new bathrobe in the grand scheme of things??
It’s my good bits I’m saving from the flames of hell!!
And they are irreplaceable!!

Every tenant in the building has their eyes on me as I grab at myself.
I hear the snickers again…
“OMG she has them crabs really bad, it looks like they’re
multiplying since I saw her in the store this afternoon!!”

What I wrought upon myself this time??
Oh wait!!
Yeeeess…here come the firemen out of the building now.
All may not be lost …
A quick glance into the bathrobe reveals that all my parts are still there!!
YAY!!

I rush for the door,
knocking over the old lady with the oxygen.
It’s OK, I’m sure the nice fireman will assist her.
I’ve got more important things to look after.

I throw open my apartment door and rush for the sanctuary
of cold water upon me to calm the burning.
OMG!!!
I send the capless bottle of dye that was sitting on the counter
splashing around the room and all over the floor.

Gawd… it can wait.
I need relief from the flames first and foremost.
Cold water…
It feels so much better now …
The pain is almost gone …
5 more minutes of rinsing down and
I experience relief at last!!

Wow. I decide the colour is actually perfect.
Too bad that my skin is dyed red from mid thigh to belly button.
I’m sure it’ll fade though.

I decide to that the 5 minute “leave-on” requirement for
the “silky and resilient” conditioning, which was actually my objective,
will happen concurrent with the clean-up of the havoc the spilled $7.50 has wrought upon the bathroom.

Ahhhhh, it feels good going on.
It is nice and cooling.
5 minutes of this will be much appreciated.

I bend over to start wiping up the floor
and decide I may as well use the now dye-trashed towels.
Heck what’s $100.00 big ones to replace towels??
They, unlike my girlie goods, are replaceable after all.

Dammit.
Red hair dye is capable of staining white vinyl floors and tan wall paint!!
The landlord is going to friggin’ love me.
Must remember to call 9er when I’m done.

Note to self*
Make up really good story for 9er about why
I’ll be taking $300.00 bucks out of the bank
and will have nothing to show for it,
but the next tenant will have new floor and paint job.

Well, after 5 minutes of crawling around naked cleaning up the floor
I am quite ready to rinse out the conditioner.
The burning sensation has disappeared completely!!
It’s not so damn bad after all, now that it’s done with.

I rinse out the conditioner and dry off.
WTF!!??!!
Why isn’t my hair silky and resilient??
Why is it a matted and gushy??

It hits me like a brick!!
OMG. I already had some dye down there
when I spent at least 5 minutes saving myself from the
drip caused by the oversqueeze!!

I even emptied out and cleaned the sink because it was contaminated!!
I got rid of the gloves!!
Worst of all, I restarted that damn 15 minute clock after all this!!

Note to self*
Vern, nominate yourself as the village idiot.

So, some of my hair has been covered in dye for like 25 minutes!!
Way over the maximum time limit!!

Girls!!
Did you know that allowing this to occur causes
one’s hair to fall out in sticky horrible clumps?
Trust me on this one …
Don’t go there.
It must be something with the chemicals.
Me thinks they haven't really advanced so much since Marilyn partook of them!!

I jump on the sink so I can get a clear view of the goods in the mirror.
I ignore the red stains on my skin, concentrating on the carpet.
Egads!!!
This just won’t do!!
My area-rug now is now a patch-work quilt.
It’s completely bald in some places!!

What to do, what to do?
I eye the razor.
Hmmmm I think to myself…
The plucked chicken look on top of the red splotchy look??
Is that really acceptable??
There is so little of the carpet left….
Hmmmm
I grab the wax, there’s no possible way I’ll screw that up again!!

OUCH!!!!!!!!!
But heck, it worked!!

Now, I’m no chemical engineer or anything
so I’m hoping like heck that tonight’s misadventure hasn’t actually
killed the essential hair roots in the critical landing strip area because I kind of like that.

The last thing I want to have to do is undergo a hair-transplant!!
That’ll go over well I’m sure.
Just imagine …
Hey 9er!! I need another 3000 bucks.

 

[PMedMoe]

  :rofl:  Too funny!!! 
I kind of thought it might have turned into a firefighter "rescue", kind of like a bad Penthouse Forum tale.  >

 

[armyvern]

  :rofl:  Too funny!!! 
bad Penthouse Forum tale.   >

Well, don't ask me to write any stories akin to the boring ones you've mentioned above.

Mine wouldn't be publishable here.  ;D

 

[Mike Baker]

That is longer then my English final! I'll read it after  ;D