A 2nd Lieutenant writing in an NCO evaluation report: "One of the finest NCO's I have ever served with," when the LT has been in the Army 2 years.
Trying to pick up a first sergeant's wife at the NCO club during a company dining out.
Anyplace where porn is not allowed(say at Al Jaber Airbase in Kuwait) , and esp while you're on duty, looking at porn for two hours, Then, in the morning the IT shop calls up the orderly room to report the unauthorized use of government computers. The first sergeant starts an informal inquiry into the sit. When the first sergeant calls to ask about it, tell the first sergeant, "I was shopping in Victoria's Secret online catalog for some gifts for my wife." First sergeant and commander go to bat for you, and then the IT shop sends over some images from the site, which is NOT Victoria's Secret, at least not after, say, the first hour. When the first sergeant gets you back in the orderly room, and starts screaming, break down crying about how lonely you are.
Get tired of listening to the buzzing from the loudspeaker that the Patriot missile battery (say, at Ali As Saleem Airbase) used for transmitting fire commands, alerts, etc because it's right behind the tent and buzzes 24-7. Go outside with a pair of wire cutters and snip the commo wire right at dawn when the on-duty Patriot crew happens to run past while doing PT. When you see them and they see you, run back to the tent and make believe you're asleep when the Patriot guys run in wanting to know who's the moron that cut their f****** wire. Then, after he Patriot first sergeant calls your first sergeant for an early morning yelling session, try to deny it. When you caught like a bug on flypaper, break down crying and say, "I don't know what I was doing since I was so sleepy."
Since you're bored with force protection and want to impress you missus back home, send her a cryptic little e-mail about how you had a firefight at the gate. Then, let the rumor mill back in the family support channel do the rest. Pretty soon, (within say, two hours, making it 0230 in Kuwait) the battalion sergeant major's wife (family support coordinator for the battalion) calls the first sergeant wanting to know how many casualties we took in the fire fight. First sergeant scratches his head trying to clear the cobwebs, then says to Mrs. SgtMaj, "What fire fight?" First sergeant says he'll check into it and get back ASAP. First sergeant goes to orderly room, and quickly determines no infiltrators. Mrs SgtMaj forwards a copy of the e-mail, which is so pathetic, it's actually funny. Drive 30 miles with your pltsgt and squad leader to the orderly room from the airbase. When the first sergeant says, "You want to tell me about the firefight at the gate," look real innocent and reply dumbly, "What fire fight, first sergeant?" When the first sergeant shows you the e-mail, look sheepish and say, "Oh, THAT fire fight." Bonus points on this one because all the wives back in the states think your unit is trying to cover-up the firefight at the gate.
These are not made-up. They actually happened when I was a first sergeant. I got a million of them. I should write a book...
