More and more funnies.. vol: something...
- Thread starter Timmy!
- Start date
3 New Navy Ships: Pictures below
USS REAGAN
Seeing it next to the Arizona Memorial really puts its size into perspective... ENORMOUS!
When the Bridge pipes 'Man the Rail' there is a lot of rail to man on this monster: shoulder to shoulder, around 4.5 acres. Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement.
Capability
Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without refueling
1. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years
2. Carries over 80 combat aircraft
3. Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet
Size
1. Towers 20 stories above the waterline
2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall
3. Flight deck covers 4.5 acres
4. 4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds
5. 2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons
6. 4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 square feet
Capacity
1. Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel
2 . Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days
3. 18,150 meals served daily
4. Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily, enough for 2,000 homes
5. Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones
6. 14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets
HMCS MIKE IGNATIEFF
The Mike Ignatieff (HMCS) set sail today from its home port of Vancouver , BC
The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to Michael Ignatieff 'for his foresight in military budget cuts'
The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots. It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which, although they cannot be launched on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence.
As a standing order, there are no firearms allowed on board.
This crew, like the crew aboard the HMSC Jean chretien, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of Canada at all costs.
An onboard Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find Canada offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and though some may seem hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.
In times of conflict, the HMSC Mike Ignatieff has orders to seek refuge in the USA
HMSC JACK LAYTON
Details are vague.
But don't you worry..........he has a plan
USS REAGAN
Seeing it next to the Arizona Memorial really puts its size into perspective... ENORMOUS!
When the Bridge pipes 'Man the Rail' there is a lot of rail to man on this monster: shoulder to shoulder, around 4.5 acres. Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement.
Capability
Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without refueling
1. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years
2. Carries over 80 combat aircraft
3. Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet
Size
1. Towers 20 stories above the waterline
2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall
3. Flight deck covers 4.5 acres
4. 4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds
5. 2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons
6. 4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 square feet
Capacity
1. Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel
2 . Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days
3. 18,150 meals served daily
4. Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily, enough for 2,000 homes
5. Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones
6. 14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets
HMCS MIKE IGNATIEFF
The Mike Ignatieff (HMCS) set sail today from its home port of Vancouver , BC
The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to Michael Ignatieff 'for his foresight in military budget cuts'
The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots. It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which, although they cannot be launched on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence.
As a standing order, there are no firearms allowed on board.
This crew, like the crew aboard the HMSC Jean chretien, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of Canada at all costs.
An onboard Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find Canada offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and though some may seem hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.
In times of conflict, the HMSC Mike Ignatieff has orders to seek refuge in the USA
HMSC JACK LAYTON
Details are vague.
But don't you worry..........he has a plan
- Reaction score
- 1,361
- Points
- 1,160
For GAP:
Sensitivity Training
A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the
heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of
one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the
military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career
he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a
Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great
interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you
notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are
missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your
hearing on that side.."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his
office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same
question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was
articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two
Master Chiefs put together.. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with
the same question.
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly
tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fuckin' ear."
Sensitivity Training
A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the
heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of
one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the
military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career
he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a
Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great
interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you
notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are
missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your
hearing on that side.."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his
office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same
question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was
articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two
Master Chiefs put together.. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with
the same question.
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly
tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fuckin' ear."
OldSolduer
Army.ca Relic
- Reaction score
- 15,390
- Points
- 1,260
CEEBEE501 said:
I been that guy, on more than one occasion.
ironduke57
Sr. Member
- Reaction score
- 2
- Points
- 230
Rheostatic
Full Member
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 210
From Kate Beaton's Hark! A Vagrant
- Reaction score
- 1,361
- Points
- 1,160
A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, Its not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...
"OK, I give up. Where's the freakin' ship?"
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, Its not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...
"OK, I give up. Where's the freakin' ship?"
- Reaction score
- 1,361
- Points
- 1,160
Have You Ever Danced?
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.
He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for us all here:
-Never be arrogant.
-Don't waste ammunition.
-Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
-Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.
I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.
He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for us all here:
-Never be arrogant.
-Don't waste ammunition.
-Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
-Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.
I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?
- Reaction score
- 1,288
- Points
- 940
A study conducted by UCLA has revealed that the kind of man a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
If she is ovulating, she is attracted to a man with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire .... >
If she is ovulating, she is attracted to a man with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire .... >
Online date goes horribly wrong
By QMI Agency
http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2011/05/03/18098061.html
BARRIE, Ont. - A date arranged online went awry for a Barrie man when the woman turned out to be his current girlfriend.
When the 49-year-old woman arrived at a local coffee shop Saturday evening, Barrie police say she threw coffee in his face and slapped him.
An off duty OPP officer arrested the woman and called city police.
The woman was held for bail.
By QMI Agency
http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2011/05/03/18098061.html
BARRIE, Ont. - A date arranged online went awry for a Barrie man when the woman turned out to be his current girlfriend.
When the 49-year-old woman arrived at a local coffee shop Saturday evening, Barrie police say she threw coffee in his face and slapped him.
An off duty OPP officer arrested the woman and called city police.
The woman was held for bail.
OldSolduer
Army.ca Relic
- Reaction score
- 15,390
- Points
- 1,260
GAP said:
So I guess she was looking for some extra cirricular fun too.....but she'll be portrayed as the victim.
- Reaction score
- 2,827
- Points
- 940
And from the mule's perspective:Rifleman62 said:
- Even if you had nothing to do with a mission's outcome, you can still brag about it ;D
Psst....somebody let Jack know...............
Toronto massage parlours face crackdown
By DON PEAT, QMI Agency
Article Link
TORONTO - One Toronto councillor wants to ensure there's no such thing as a happy ending.
Councillor Doug Ford asked the licensing and standards committee Tuesday to crack down on "rub and tug" parlours operating under the guise of being traditional Chinese medicine and acupuncture clinics.
More on link
Toronto massage parlours face crackdown
By DON PEAT, QMI Agency
Article Link
TORONTO - One Toronto councillor wants to ensure there's no such thing as a happy ending.
Councillor Doug Ford asked the licensing and standards committee Tuesday to crack down on "rub and tug" parlours operating under the guise of being traditional Chinese medicine and acupuncture clinics.
More on link
ironduke57
Sr. Member
- Reaction score
- 2
- Points
- 230
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 210
Jim Seggie said:
+ a Ba-zillion.
I think I'm on the same page with you on this one, Mr. S.
I'm sure if the tables were turned, the fella would do 5 for assault.
I'm going to follow this, and see what her punishment is, (if any).
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