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More and more funnies.. vol: something...

Lacking the basic understanding of how railroads work


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One hopes it's not going to be like this ...


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I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me, It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said, "if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my fiancé's entire family was standing outside, all clapping and cheering!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me. He said, 'Frankie, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son.'

And the moral of this story is:

          Always keep your condoms in your car.
$10 says the armadillo went back to his Fortress of Solitude. 

Texas man shoots armadillo, bullet ricochets back into his face

Animal's status unknown because authorities were unable to find it

Could work for CSE folks too, no? (source)


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Bob finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.
One evening, after their honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage, just for fun.
His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally spoke ...
"Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop.
You probably should just consider selling all your welders stuff along wit your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley."
Bob got a horrified look on his face.
She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He replied, "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
Bob replied: "I wasn't."
Posting in the comedy thread for obvious reasons 😂😂 *i hope this works been a while*


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From the "ironic thank you gestures" file ...
Young pigs that were saved from a fire in southwest England earlier this year have been served to their rescuers as sausages by the farmer who wanted to thank the firefighters for their efforts.

The 18 piglets and two sows were rescued after an electrical fault set hay on fire at a farm in Milton Lilbourne, 70 miles (110 km) west of London, in February.

And when the pigs were slaughtered, farmer Rachel Rivers said it was appropriate to give the firefighters some of the sausages to show her appreciation.

"I'm sure vegetarians will hate this," Rivers told the BBC, explaining that farming was her way of life.

"I wanted to thank them. I promised them at the time I'd bring down some sausages for them, which they were all pleased about."

A spokesman for the fire service said the sausages were "fantastic" and thanked Rivers for her generosity ...
 "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to
 describe her.
 He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're
 A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."> She asks ... "What does that mean?"
 He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy,
 Gorgeous, Hot.
 She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about
 I, J, K?"
 He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
 The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly
 optimistic about saving his testicles.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a typo.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop
any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club but I'd
never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because
she couldn't control her pupils?

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?   A thesaurus.

> > I dropped out of communism class because of terrible Marx.

> > I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

> > Velcro - what a rip off!

> > Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last
I tried searching for a new lighter on eBay, but gave up as they only had 3500 matches.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English."

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c." Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.  The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k."  This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f."  This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v."

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.  Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
With all due respect to any learned counsel on the boards here  ;D


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Catholic or not you have to laugh at this one.*
> A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off And
> enjoying a round of golf.
> The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
> He missed the ball entirely and said "crap, I missed."
> The good Sister told him to watch his language.
> On his next swing, he missed again. "crap, I missed."
> "Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing,"
> The nun said tartly..
> The priest promised to do better and the round continued.
> On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
> Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to
> Strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
> On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
> "crap, I missed."
> A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes Out
> of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

> And from the sky comes a booming voice ......
> "crap, I missed."
Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greenkeeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenkeeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers #7

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #8

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

Two engineers #9

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Steven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as members of parliament.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ''What the...''
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing grease out of.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters gained from using a 2X4 to try to lift an automobile off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside edge of the line instead of the outside.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
American, but good for a chuckle! ;D


As you progress in the Army as an officer – and sometimes as an NCO – you’re bound to end up on staff at some point or another. Like death or taxes, it is inevitable – and sometimes as equally dreaded. One of the perks of staff – besides the feeling of constant dread and the ability to always walk around with a cup of lukewarm coffee with the consistency of sludge – is getting to work with people from other branches.

When your career path edges you into higher echelons of the staff, you end up rubbing elbows with people from a multitude of branches – some that you never knew even existed. And nowhere are the differences in personalities from each branch more apparent than on staff. What follows is a breakdown of the type of staff officers that you’ll be wont to come across in your career.

Infantry staff officers – If you can’t ruck it, shoot it, smoke/dip it, drink it, or make it do pushups, the infantry staff officer doesn’t really care about it.

Armor staff officers – Does your course of action involve tanks? Does any part of the operation involve tanks? If not, why? And if yes, then all the tanks need to be doing tank things: namely, rolling over and through the enemy, no matter who they are.

Cavalry staff officers – What do you mean wearing a Stetson all day isn’t allowed? No, I won’t take my feet off my desk. And of course we can take that objective of dug-in T-80 tanks with one troop of cav scouts.

Aviation staff officers – No, they won’t get a haircut, and yes, crew rest always applies. They won’t be at PT because pilots don’t need to run fast, they just need to fly.

Engineer staff officers – Look, just tell us where to put obstacles and build roads and we’ll make it happen. Other than that, we’ll be in the corner trying to get rid of this killer hangover.

Chemical staff officers – Look, there’s totally a CBRN threat. Definitely. No? Ok, well, they templated out your slideshows for the next 90 days and there’s a fresh pot of coffee made.

Adjutant General staff officers – They’ll just be in the ALOC telling stories about how much fun AG BOLC was and constantly judging you for having so many late evaluations.

Military Intelligence staff officers – They’re smarter than you and won’t let you forget it. You wanted to know the enemy most dangerous course of action? Here’s a threat wheel with so much data that it will make the human mind explode and is impossible for anyone without a statistics PhD to understand. Stop asking them about the weather.

Logistics staff officers – Are long-suffering since they are ignored by all the maneuver staff officers until the maneuver force can no longer shoot or move. And then suddenly it’s somehow their fault. Often found drinking with the engineers.

Transportation staff officers – Your trucks are all broken because you don’t do proper PMCS and all routes are black. And no, they can’t get a new uniform that’s not covered in engine grease. That would just be wrong.

Military Police staff officers – No, you’re wrong. Always. Don’t argue, or they’ll take their force protection package and go home.

Air Defense Artillery staff officers – Who? What are they? Just excited to be relevant again.

Field Artillery staff officers – There is no problem that can’t be solved by the application of massed and concentrated high explosives. They have a fires template in their back pocket and are offended that your course of action regarding stability operations does not include them.

Signal staff officers – Look, the reason you can’t get on Sharepoint is because you missed one of 80 mandatory online courses that were briefed this quarter. No, you can’t get connectivity support because the 6 is at yet another cyber conference.

Cyber officers – Too new to be taken seriously at this point. But are slowly dying inside from people constantly misusing the word “cyber.”

Special Forces officers – You won’t see them. And when you do, they won’t give input for mission analysis other than, “It’s classified.”

Chaplain – Will find new and inventive ways to categorize the spiritual health of the force.

Civil Affairs officers – Yes, they’ll be wearing civilian clothes and mocking your slides all day.

Medical Services officers – Actually skilled at their jobs and can’t believe that MDMP is a real thing that people use without feelings of self-harm.

Ordnance officers – Blow it up. Just blow all of it up. Or maybe resupply it. What was the question?

Dental Corps officers – Will always politely inform you that 37% of your force is non-deployable because their teeth are falling out.

Quartermaster officers – You can’t afford to buy the things you want and even if you could, the property book wouldn’t support it. Now go see the JAG about how much stuff you’re missing and the pending charges against you.

Judge Advocate General officers – They don’t like you. They don’t like anyone. Because they know just how awful you all are.