Fellows, this whole water thing has been a scam! I was beamed up to the mother ship last night and got the straight poop from the Big Head himself! Oh, by the way when you are beamed up, if he wants to "probe you" say no!
Anyway we have all been wrong it's not the water, it's MAPLE SYRUP! The whole water thing has been a clever deception plan uncovered by one of our operatives in the south, Pamala Anderson! I, at great personal risk, have volunteered to travel south to fully "debrief " her...quit shoving I called dibs first!
To continue, it's not the American's that are behind this. It's the Indians, no not those Indians you insensitive lout...they are First Nations people. 30 days sensitivity training, that man! No the other Indians, you know from the sub-continent. We should have known, they have been infiltrating us for years. Fitting in, paying taxes, contributing to the economic growth of the country. How bloody un-Canadian can you get? Why they are even more polite then we are! The plot is being master minded by the maharajah of Jam Jar. His goal, cornering the world maple syrup market!
There is of course only one way to foil this dastardly deed...that's right we have to out reproduce them! It's your patriotic duty to go forth and multiply at every opportunity, except if there is a hockey game on or a power tool sale at Canadian Tire! So, I want to see you put your backs into it! Buckle down and apply yourself! Put your shoulder to the...no that won't work. get your nose to the...nah, that's not working either. OK you know what I mean.
Ladies this isn't just for the guys, we expect you to give it your all! We are all in this together, shoulder to shoulder...well depending on flexability. Remember to stretch first!
My job of course will be to gather additional resources for the cause. To that end I will be accepting donations for travel expenses. I think we may need to bring in the Swedish bikini team as a back up. I again, at great personal risk have volunteered to escort them back. I know, a dirty job but someones got to do it! Besides I called dibs first!