Retired AF Guy
Army.ca Veteran
- Reaction score
- 1,005
- Points
- 1,160
A long time ago, in a place far, far away; things started to go to hell:
More and more funnies.. vol: something...
- Thread starter Timmy!
- Start date
- Reaction score
- 1,538
- Points
- 1,160
How Dumb Is This?
The Muslims are not happy!
They're not happy in Gaza ..
They're not happy in Egypt ..
They're not happy in Libya ..
They're not happy in Morocco ..
They're not happy in Iran ..
They're not happy in Iraq ..
They're not happy in Yemen ..
They're not happy in Afghanistan ..
They're not happy in Pakistan ..
They're not happy in Syria ..
They're not happy in Lebanon ..
So, where are they happy?
They're happy in Australia ..
They're happy in England ..
They're happy in France ..
They're happy in Italy ..
They're happy in Germany ..
They're happy in Sweden ..
They're happy in the USA ..
They're happy in Norway ..
They're happy in every country that is not Muslim.
And who do they blame?
Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.
THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!
And they want to change them to be like the country they came from. How dumb can you get?
The Muslims are not happy!
They're not happy in Gaza ..
They're not happy in Egypt ..
They're not happy in Libya ..
They're not happy in Morocco ..
They're not happy in Iran ..
They're not happy in Iraq ..
They're not happy in Yemen ..
They're not happy in Afghanistan ..
They're not happy in Pakistan ..
They're not happy in Syria ..
They're not happy in Lebanon ..
So, where are they happy?
They're happy in Australia ..
They're happy in England ..
They're happy in France ..
They're happy in Italy ..
They're happy in Germany ..
They're happy in Sweden ..
They're happy in the USA ..
They're happy in Norway ..
They're happy in every country that is not Muslim.
And who do they blame?
Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.
THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!
And they want to change them to be like the country they came from. How dumb can you get?
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 110
An old Marine Pilot sat down at a Starbucks, wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket. He ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Steadman's, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
Gasplug
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Steadman's, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
Gasplug
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 210
Rifleman62 said:
Call it a "hate crime", but I appreciate the humour and irony in this.
Retired AF Guy
Army.ca Veteran
- Reaction score
- 1,005
- Points
- 1,160
A Halloween Treat:
- Reaction score
- 1,538
- Points
- 1,160
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little
5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you
believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift
of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a
Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in
all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day
observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough,"
adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with
her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and
gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay
envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her
mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received
to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally
impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own
pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I
worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house
next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on
the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever
deliver the damn sheet rock."
Kind of brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?
5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you
believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift
of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a
Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in
all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day
observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough,"
adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with
her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and
gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay
envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her
mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received
to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally
impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own
pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I
worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house
next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on
the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever
deliver the damn sheet rock."
Kind of brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?
- Reaction score
- 1,538
- Points
- 1,160
While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.
And then He made the earth round.
And then He made the earth round.
A marine was deployed to Afghanistan. while he was there, he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the
letter, she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone, and she wanted to break up with
him. She also wanted the pictures of herself back.So the marine did what any other man would do. He went around to his
buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 24 pictures of women (with
clothes and without) to his ex-girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your
picture and send the rest back"
letter, she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone, and she wanted to break up with
him. She also wanted the pictures of herself back.So the marine did what any other man would do. He went around to his
buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 24 pictures of women (with
clothes and without) to his ex-girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your
picture and send the rest back"
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 210
The Canadian Forces recently hired several cannibals.
"You are all part of our team now", said the career manager, during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the mess for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the soldiers".
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their colonel remarked " You are working very hard, and I am very satisfied with you, however, one of our techs has disappeared, do you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the Colonel had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the tech?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader shouted," You fool..! For four weeks we've been eating officers and no one has noticed, but noooooo..., you had to go and eat someone important!"
"You are all part of our team now", said the career manager, during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the mess for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the soldiers".
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their colonel remarked " You are working very hard, and I am very satisfied with you, however, one of our techs has disappeared, do you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the Colonel had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the tech?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader shouted," You fool..! For four weeks we've been eating officers and no one has noticed, but noooooo..., you had to go and eat someone important!"
- Reaction score
- 1,353
- Points
- 940
Perhaps not intentionally meant to be funny, but I found these descriptions of winter drivers in The Globe and Mail's "Road Sage.
Article Link
Road Sage Winter Driving Dictionary
All Season:
This driver is as constant as the Northern Star. He drives the same (badly) in all weather conditions and he has the all-season tires to prove it. You are most likely to spot this driver sliding toward you across two lanes atop a few inches of snow covering a layer of ice.
Braker Braker:
Oh my god! Is that a car behind me? I BETTER SLAM ON THE BRAKES! Is there a tiny bit of snow falling? I BETTER SLAM ON MY BRAKES! Is it sunny? SLAM ON THE BRAKES! Nothing bad can happen as long as I SLAM ON THE BRAKES!
The Expert:
“I don't worry about winter driving. I know how to drive in winter. If you know how to drive it's okay to go 80 km/h in a 40 km/h zone during a blizzard. No, I never went to skid school or trained but I've watched tons of winter driving videos on YouTube. Who has time to learn how to drive in the winter? I'm too busy driving in winter.”
Greenhouse Effect:
You know what's super confusing? The defrost system of an automobile. Just how precisely do they work? I mean, the button says “defrost” and also has a picture symbolizing the act of defrosting but what does that really mean? The Greenhouse Effect is easy to locate – just look for an automobile that has windows so fogged up with icy humidity that the motorist operating it is effectively blind. Generally the driver is peering through a small hole the size of a snowball.
The Igloo:
While the rest of us wrestle with scrapers and brushes, the Igloo driver deals with a snowfall by running a gloved hand across his windshield – then He's good to go. These rolling DQ ice cream cakes can be found in every town and city. They have zero visibility but don't worry the snow and ice eventually melts off – around May.
Pride and Prejudice and 4-Wheel Drive:
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good 4WD vehicle must believe that he has better stopping power than other drivers. However false this feeling – 4WD only provides better traction to accelerate to high speeds. They can't stop any faster than two-wheeled vehicles – such men can be seen in every neighbourhood ripping down streets and crashing into stop signs or flying into highway ditches.
The Great Unwashed:
Just as men of a certain age are afraid to go out in the cold with wet hair, this driver is afraid to have his car washed during the winter. He is also loath to keep a spare jug of washer fluid in the trunk. The result? Dusty Beyond-Thunder-Dome vision-impaired cars that look as if they have been spray-painted with a combination of cat litter and glue.
Wiper Disciple:
A strange breed, the Wiper Disciple believes that any and all winter-related obstacles can be dealt with by turning on your windshield wipers. Facing a snow storm? Turn on wipers. Blizzard and freezing rain? Turn on wipers really fast. Black ice? Turn on wipers and two squirts of washer fluid. Can usually be found staring, mesmerized at their windshield wipers as they rock hypnotically back and forth.
___________________________________________________________________________________
I see the Braker Brakers all the time on dry pavement. Drives me nuts. Maybe they should get their brakes checked if they don't trust them.
Edit to add: Some good ones also in the comment section to this article.
Article Link
Road Sage Winter Driving Dictionary
All Season:
This driver is as constant as the Northern Star. He drives the same (badly) in all weather conditions and he has the all-season tires to prove it. You are most likely to spot this driver sliding toward you across two lanes atop a few inches of snow covering a layer of ice.
Braker Braker:
Oh my god! Is that a car behind me? I BETTER SLAM ON THE BRAKES! Is there a tiny bit of snow falling? I BETTER SLAM ON MY BRAKES! Is it sunny? SLAM ON THE BRAKES! Nothing bad can happen as long as I SLAM ON THE BRAKES!
The Expert:
“I don't worry about winter driving. I know how to drive in winter. If you know how to drive it's okay to go 80 km/h in a 40 km/h zone during a blizzard. No, I never went to skid school or trained but I've watched tons of winter driving videos on YouTube. Who has time to learn how to drive in the winter? I'm too busy driving in winter.”
Greenhouse Effect:
You know what's super confusing? The defrost system of an automobile. Just how precisely do they work? I mean, the button says “defrost” and also has a picture symbolizing the act of defrosting but what does that really mean? The Greenhouse Effect is easy to locate – just look for an automobile that has windows so fogged up with icy humidity that the motorist operating it is effectively blind. Generally the driver is peering through a small hole the size of a snowball.
The Igloo:
While the rest of us wrestle with scrapers and brushes, the Igloo driver deals with a snowfall by running a gloved hand across his windshield – then He's good to go. These rolling DQ ice cream cakes can be found in every town and city. They have zero visibility but don't worry the snow and ice eventually melts off – around May.
Pride and Prejudice and 4-Wheel Drive:
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good 4WD vehicle must believe that he has better stopping power than other drivers. However false this feeling – 4WD only provides better traction to accelerate to high speeds. They can't stop any faster than two-wheeled vehicles – such men can be seen in every neighbourhood ripping down streets and crashing into stop signs or flying into highway ditches.
The Great Unwashed:
Just as men of a certain age are afraid to go out in the cold with wet hair, this driver is afraid to have his car washed during the winter. He is also loath to keep a spare jug of washer fluid in the trunk. The result? Dusty Beyond-Thunder-Dome vision-impaired cars that look as if they have been spray-painted with a combination of cat litter and glue.
Wiper Disciple:
A strange breed, the Wiper Disciple believes that any and all winter-related obstacles can be dealt with by turning on your windshield wipers. Facing a snow storm? Turn on wipers. Blizzard and freezing rain? Turn on wipers really fast. Black ice? Turn on wipers and two squirts of washer fluid. Can usually be found staring, mesmerized at their windshield wipers as they rock hypnotically back and forth.
___________________________________________________________________________________
I see the Braker Brakers all the time on dry pavement. Drives me nuts. Maybe they should get their brakes checked if they don't trust them.
Edit to add: Some good ones also in the comment section to this article.
J
jollyjacktar
Guest
Troops ( Bad boys) Stormtrooper cops http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqF_CVQ_U_I&feature=related
Been years since I saw this one. It's still good for a laugh. Enjoy ;D
Been years since I saw this one. It's still good for a laugh. Enjoy ;D
New Immigration Policy
To save the economy, on January 1, 2012, Prime Minister Harper will announce that he is ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Canada Pension, Old Age Security, and Medical costs.
They found that old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home!
I started crying when I thought of you.
(See you on the bus)
To save the economy, on January 1, 2012, Prime Minister Harper will announce that he is ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Canada Pension, Old Age Security, and Medical costs.
They found that old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home!
I started crying when I thought of you.
(See you on the bus)
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 210
Frank goes to work and gingerly sits down in his cubical. His co-worker Ken asks, "What's wrong?"
Franks replied " I don't want to talk about it"
Ken asks, "why are you limping and why do you have a black eye? Did you get mugged?"
"All right then, I will tell you, but don't ell anyone, its embarrassing." Frank said. "You know I sing in my church choir right?"
"Yes" Ken says.
"Well I sit behind this big woman, and she has a huge butt. Well you know how it is sometimes when a big woman stands up and her dress gets stuck in her butt cheeks?
"Sure" Ken replied.
"Well the big girl stood up and her dress was all in her butt, I felt bad for her and I reached up and pulled it out , so she wouldn't be embarrassed."
"You didn't!" Ken exclaimed.
"I did, and she laid a beating on me I will never forget. I think she broke my ribs, bruised my tailbone and broke my nose!"
"I guess you will know to never to do that again eh Frank?" Ken said.
A month later Ken cam to work with an arm in a cast, a patch over an eye and two black eyes.
Ken upon seeing this said, "Oh my god, what happened? Did you total your car?"
"I don't want to talk about it" Frank moaned.
"You didn't do what I think you did, did you?" Ken asked.
"No, it's even worse! The big choir woman stood up and her dress was all caught up in her butt again. The guy next to me saw it, and he reached up and pulled it out. I remembered how much she hated that, so I pushed it right back up again!"
Franks replied " I don't want to talk about it"
Ken asks, "why are you limping and why do you have a black eye? Did you get mugged?"
"All right then, I will tell you, but don't ell anyone, its embarrassing." Frank said. "You know I sing in my church choir right?"
"Yes" Ken says.
"Well I sit behind this big woman, and she has a huge butt. Well you know how it is sometimes when a big woman stands up and her dress gets stuck in her butt cheeks?
"Sure" Ken replied.
"Well the big girl stood up and her dress was all in her butt, I felt bad for her and I reached up and pulled it out , so she wouldn't be embarrassed."
"You didn't!" Ken exclaimed.
"I did, and she laid a beating on me I will never forget. I think she broke my ribs, bruised my tailbone and broke my nose!"
"I guess you will know to never to do that again eh Frank?" Ken said.
A month later Ken cam to work with an arm in a cast, a patch over an eye and two black eyes.
Ken upon seeing this said, "Oh my god, what happened? Did you total your car?"
"I don't want to talk about it" Frank moaned.
"You didn't do what I think you did, did you?" Ken asked.
"No, it's even worse! The big choir woman stood up and her dress was all caught up in her butt again. The guy next to me saw it, and he reached up and pulled it out. I remembered how much she hated that, so I pushed it right back up again!"
And They Say Canadians Don't Brag.....
So, what do we Canadians have to be Proud of?
1. Smarties (not sold in the USA)
2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp
(not sold in the USA)
3. The size of our footballs fields, one less
down, and bigger balls.
4. Baseball is Canadian - 1st game
June 4, 1838 - Ingersoll, ON
5. Lacrosse is Canadian
6. Hockey is Canadian
7. Basketball is Canadian
8. Apple pie is Canadian
9. Mr. Dress-up beats Mr. Rogers
10. Tim Hortons beats Dunkin' Donuts
11. In the war of 1812, started by America , Canadians pushed the Americans back past
their White House. Then we burned it, and
most of Washington ...
We got bored because they ran away.
Then, we came home and partied....
Go figure.
12. Canada has the largest French population
that never surrendered to Germany.
13. We have the largest English population
that never surrendered or withdrew
during any war to anyone, anywhere. EVER!
(We got clobbered in the odd battle but
prevailed in ALL the wars)
14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and
lasted a little over an hour.
15. The only person who was arrested in our
civil war was an American mercenary who
slept in and missed the whole thing.
He showed up just in time to get caught.
16. A Canadian invented Standard Time.
17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned
Over 10% of the earth's surface and is still
around as the world's oldest company.
18. The average dog sled team can kill and
devour a human in under 3 minutes.
(More information than we need!)
19. We know what to do with the parts
of a buffalo.
20. We don't marry our kin-folk...
21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, Velcro,
zippers, insulin, penicillin and the telephone.
And short wave radios which save countless
lives each year.
22. We have ALL frozen our tongues to
something metal and lived to tell about it.
23. A Canadian invented Superman.
24. We have coloured money.
25. Our beer advertisements kick ass
... as does our beer.
AND MOST IMPORTANT ....
The handles on our beer cases are big enough for hands with mitts on.
Oh..... Canada!
Oh yeah... and our elections only take one day!
So, what do we Canadians have to be Proud of?
1. Smarties (not sold in the USA)
2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp
(not sold in the USA)
3. The size of our footballs fields, one less
down, and bigger balls.
4. Baseball is Canadian - 1st game
June 4, 1838 - Ingersoll, ON
5. Lacrosse is Canadian
6. Hockey is Canadian
7. Basketball is Canadian
8. Apple pie is Canadian
9. Mr. Dress-up beats Mr. Rogers
10. Tim Hortons beats Dunkin' Donuts
11. In the war of 1812, started by America , Canadians pushed the Americans back past
their White House. Then we burned it, and
most of Washington ...
We got bored because they ran away.
Then, we came home and partied....
Go figure.
12. Canada has the largest French population
that never surrendered to Germany.
13. We have the largest English population
that never surrendered or withdrew
during any war to anyone, anywhere. EVER!
(We got clobbered in the odd battle but
prevailed in ALL the wars)
14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and
lasted a little over an hour.
15. The only person who was arrested in our
civil war was an American mercenary who
slept in and missed the whole thing.
He showed up just in time to get caught.
16. A Canadian invented Standard Time.
17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned
Over 10% of the earth's surface and is still
around as the world's oldest company.
18. The average dog sled team can kill and
devour a human in under 3 minutes.
(More information than we need!)
19. We know what to do with the parts
of a buffalo.
20. We don't marry our kin-folk...
21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, Velcro,
zippers, insulin, penicillin and the telephone.
And short wave radios which save countless
lives each year.
22. We have ALL frozen our tongues to
something metal and lived to tell about it.
23. A Canadian invented Superman.
24. We have coloured money.
25. Our beer advertisements kick ass
... as does our beer.
AND MOST IMPORTANT ....
The handles on our beer cases are big enough for hands with mitts on.
Oh..... Canada!
Oh yeah... and our elections only take one day!
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 210
Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs.... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs.... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience
- Reaction score
- 3
- Points
- 430
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
- Reaction score
- 1,353
- Points
- 940
From a friend on FB. It takes a Canadian to help Americans have a safer Thanksgiving.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYkRF_FmD40&feature=share
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYkRF_FmD40&feature=share
- Reaction score
- 1,538
- Points
- 1,160
Police Officer in the UK
Question:
How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?
Answer:
First — let's pose the following question:
- You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night.
- Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you.
- You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.
- What do you do?
BRITISH POLICE OFFICER:
Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
4) Am I dressed provocatively?
5) Could I run away?
6) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
7) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?
8) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
9) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? .
13) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?
AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER:
BANG!
AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 'click' . . .
(Sergeant arrives at scene later and remarks: 'Nice grouping!').
Question:
How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?
Answer:
First — let's pose the following question:
- You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night.
- Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you.
- You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.
- What do you do?
BRITISH POLICE OFFICER:
Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
4) Am I dressed provocatively?
5) Could I run away?
6) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
7) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?
8) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
9) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? .
13) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?
AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER:
BANG!
AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 'click' . . .
(Sergeant arrives at scene later and remarks: 'Nice grouping!').
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