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More and more funnies.. vol: something...

Remember folks, Christmas holidays are almost over.  By next week, the 'slow' ones will have forgotten a lot.  :nod:

For all you Pilots:

Terry is 80 years old and flew the Meteor, Vampire, Canberra, Argonaut, VC10, 747 and 777 (amongst others!).
He was a BOAC/BA training Captain then flew for Virgin and SIA.

He wrote.....

An Old Pilot's Reflections – (Only pilots can truly relate to these…)

•        Pilots are people who drive airplanes for other people who can't.

•        Passengers are people who say they fly, but really just ride.

•        Fighter Pilots are steely eyed, weapons systems managers who kill bad people and break things. However, they can also be very charming and personable.  The average fighter pilot, despite sometimes having a swaggering exterior, is very much capable of such feelings as love, affection, intimacy and caring.  (However, these feelings don't involve anyone else.)  (AMEN !!!!)

•        Flying is a hard way to earn an easy living.

•        Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the airplane; the pessimist, the parachute.

•        Death is just nature's way of telling you to watch your airspeed.

.     As a pilot only two bad things can happen to you  (and one of them will):

            - One day you will walk out to the aircraft,  knowing it is your last flight.
            - One day you will walk out to the  aircraft, not knowing it is your last flight.

•        There are rules and there are laws:

            - The rules are made by men who think that they know how to fly your airplane better than you.
            - The laws (of physics) were ordained by God.
            - You can and sometimes should suspend the rules, but  you can never suspend the laws.

* About Rules:

            - The rules are a good place to hide if you don't have a better idea and the talent to execute it.
            - If you deviate from a rule, it must be a flawless performance (e.g., if  you fly under a bridge, don't hit the bridge.)

•        Before each flight, make sure that your bladder is empty and your fuel tanks are full.

•        He who demands everything that his aircraft can give him is a pilot; he who demands one iota more is a fool.

•        There are certain aircraft sounds that can only be heard at night and over the ocean. Most of them are scary.

•        The aircraft limits are only there in case there is another flight by that particular aircraft.  If subsequent flights do not appear likely, there are no limits.

•        "If the Wright brothers were alive today, Wilbur would have to fire Orville to reduce costs." (President, DELTA  Airlines.)

•        In the Alaskan bush, I'd rather have a two-hour  bladder and three hours of gas than vice versa.

•        An old pilot is one who can remember when flying was dangerous and sex was safe.

•        Airlines have really changed; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

•        I've flown in both pilot seats.  Can someone tell me why the other one is always occupied by an idiot?

•        And my favorite; You have to make up your mind about growing up and becoming a pilot.  You can't do both.
A domestic dispute over space aliens escalated Saturday morning when a lingerie-clad New Mexico woman allegedly pointed a silver handgun at her boyfriend, a weapon she retrieved from her vagina, where it had been placed while the accused was performing a sex act, police allege.

While using the gat as a sex toy, McCarthy reportedly asked her boyfriend, “Who is crazy, you or me?” The probable cause statement, drafted by Deputy Chris Zook, does not indicate whether McCarthy’s boyfriend dared to answer that query.

Not sure if I would have answered either. :o
dapaterson said:
A domestic dispute over space aliens escalated Saturday morning when a lingerie-clad New Mexico woman allegedly pointed a silver handgun at her boyfriend, a weapon she retrieved from her vagina, where it had been placed while the accused was performing a sex act, police allege.


Gives a whole new meaning to "Make My Day".....
A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.
Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army.

Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.

The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?'

The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.'

The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question,

'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly,

'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also.

The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.

The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the Sergeant Major said,

'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'

The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?'

'Well, sir,' the soldier replied, 'it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f*****g ears.'
The real reason all those UFO stories are fake: Aliens are terrified of humans.

After all, we arethe ONLY species that is immune to "halting problem attacks"... ;D Embedded video is just awesome!


What if the rest of the alien universe was terrified of humans?


In almost every sci-fi movie worth re-watching, it seems that us humans are always less technologically advanced, dumber and only serve as a mere speed bump into an alien race eliminating humans to take over our planet and suck Earth dry of its resources. We're always the weaker ones in alien wars. Well, what if we're not? Tom Scott imagined a scenario where everyone else in the universe was afraid of humans. It's fantastic.

The premise of the video, Danger: Humans, is simple, it's a PSA from the Interstellar Safety Council notifying alien races how terrifyingly dangerous and awful humans can be. The video is perfect because it turns basic everyday things that humans do into something much more frightening (and completely true), like eating other life forms for sustenance. The PSA video also admits some of our weak points which is our need for oxygen and comedically, our self-delusion but it does stress that if humans reach another planet that has oxygen, we will take it over.

It's fascinating to imagine the other side in a sci-fi story, like if we were the aliens who invaded somebody else's home planet and wanted to take it over and not the other way around (as it is in most movies). It's a premise—humans as the bad guys—that should be explored in more movies and stories. We don't know what's out there, we don't know where we rank, so why can't we be the people most feared in the universe?
Drunken Newfie

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.
"Stay where you are," she said."He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four.  What's going on?"

"Nonsense," said the wife.  "You're so drunk you miscounted.  Get out of bed and try again.  You can see better from over there."

The husband climbed out of bed and counted.  "One, two, three, four. Damn, you're right."
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.  Then I caught her spending $60 on make up; so I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.  She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.  I told her that's what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.
Mary Fitzgerald ‏@MaryFitzger  Jan 17 
Libya's sweet tooth: Cinnabon was first US franchise to open in Libya in July 2012.
Now Tripoli store biggest grossing Cinnabon in the world.

Baden Guy said:
Mary Fitzgerald ‏@MaryFitzger  Jan 17 
Libya's sweet tooth: Cinnabon was first US franchise to open in Libya in July 2012.
Now Tripoli store biggest grossing Cinnabon in the world.

Baby steps :nod:
I couldn't help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar the other day.

One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."

His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age, sitting a couple of stools down had also over-heard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit!"
The customer reviews are great.

Holy weird name BATMAN!!!  ;D

"Batman Suparman" Jailed in Singapore for Theft, Trespassing
By J.T. Quigley

Image Credit: Twitter @milusita73

After multiple deviations from his heroic namesake, Singaporean courts have sentenced "Batman" to more than two and a half years in prison on multiple counts of theft and trespassing. The 23-year-old man, whose full name is Batman Bin Suparman, was found guilty of three out of 10 charges, which also included illegal drug use.

The prosecution said that Batman broke into a billiard hall last August, stealing approximately $160. He also lifted his brother’s ATM card, making multiple withdrawals totaling more than $680.

"During sentencing, the court heard that Batman is a first offender and a young one at that," said Channel NewsAsia of the relatively lenient sentence. "For housebreaking, he could have been jailed [up to] 14 years."

The Diplomat
Budget Cuts To Bring Military Spending Down To Pre-Civil War Levels

By G-Had | February 26, 2014

THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel proposed deep and far-reaching cuts across the military on Monday, vowing to bring spending down to pre-Civil War levels, sources confirmed.

“There are some who would criticize a move towards bringing our military spending down to levels seen in the 1860s,” said Hagel. “But these people don’t understand the evolving nature of warfare.”

While the cuts would hit naval personnel hardest — with a reduction in the overall number of commodores in the service and the suspension of its plan to send gunboats to open up Japan to trade — the Army is also facing the end of its “two tribes” policy of having enough regiments mustered to fend off multiple Indian raids.

In a press briefing, Hagel also explained the need to make drastic cuts to equipment and personnel, but vowed to maintain important research and development funds for projects such as a regiment that can man two skirmisher lines at once and a ship of the line made of iron that runs on “steam power.”

However, plenty of programs will face the surgeon’s hacksaw. “The first thing we need to get rid of is the 32-pounder cannon,” said Hagel. “You need several extra horses to draw it and the reinforced caisson can only travel on the sturdiest dirt roads.”

He added that the Air Force would also see a reduction to “tested and sustainable technology levels,” such as hydrogen-powered dirigibles whose safety record rivals today’s Ospreys.

Hagel refused to comment if the Army would still receive funding for its controversial all-negro units.

Read more: http://www.duffelblog.com/2014/02/pentagon-budget/#ixzz2uSGKU2vc