How do the families cope during a tour? Tips and pointers for first timers.

[Booked_Spice]

Well since we have received an extension in Afghanistan, I wanted to start a post for the newbies for upcoming tours. I got this idea from another site. This was my first tour and I have learned alot and usually the hard way. So I figured I would start a thread so maybe some significant others would not have to go through what I have. Please feel free to add comments. I would like to have a perspective from deployed members as well.

1. Get a Power of Attorney. You never know if you will need it or not.

2. Make sure you yourself have a Will as well as your significant other.

3.Make sure you significant other has insurance. I believe it is only 12 a month for 400 000 through SISP. ( this may sound negative but is very important)

4. Sit down with Significant other and find out what they want to do with a funeral ect. God forbid something happens. ( This is a very tough conversation but it needs to occur)

5. Make sure that all Bills, insurance, car are in both names. This helps if something were to happen.

6. Make sure you know how everything works before tour. Like how to add oil to the car, Lawn mower ect.. Like in my case.

7. Attend all pre deployment functions. They provide some usefull information.

8. Get to know some of the spouses in your Significant others company. I find that this was helpful because they understand what you are going through.

9. If you have children, Use Deployment childcare if it is available because you will need the break.

10. If you are planning on travelling with your children, get a note from your partner giving you permission. Get one just in case. It saves alot of hassle.

11. Tell your kids the truth about the deployment. I have found that my three year old daughter understands more about this deployment then most Adults.( but this is a personal choice)

12. Attend all functions of the REAR party or MFRC. This is a great way to meet new people who are going through what you are going through.

13. Do not hesitate to contact the rear party. They are there to support the family's.

14. If you watch the news like me, Keep in mind that sometimes it is not factual and usually you will be contacted first if something were to happen to your spouse. ( Usually)

15. If you need help. ASK. Because you are not alone.

16. Do not let your kids guilt you ( like mine does) I miss my daddy she says when she wants something she is not supposed to have.

17. Read about the cycle of emotions for Deployment. Do not be surprised that you will find that you are fighting more with your spouse a couple of weeks prior to the tour. Sometimes in our mind we find it easier to say Good bye when you are mad at one another. This is all part of a cycle and you can pick up information at your local MFRC.

18. Remember the first time you say good bye. Is really hard but the separation gets easier as days pass.

19. When sending packages to your loved ones. Involve your children. It makes them feel better. In my case my daughter makes a craft everyday for her daddy and she puts a whole wack of Dora stickers on the box. He always knows which package is for him.

20. Get a video camera and tape all of your child's firsts and such. It helps make your spouse feel that they have not missed out on your child's accomplishments.

21. If you have a ZOO like me, try to go to the vet prior to deployment. It is easier to do with two sets of hands then just you. Try doing that sometime. 2 kids a dog and 3 cats to the vet. It is an experience.

22. For my kids I have placed a huge world map in their room and placed stickers on where Daddy is and where they are. I feel that this helps them understand.

23. Always try to stay positive on the phone when they call home. They have enough to worry about then hearing you having a mental breakdown.

24. Personally Hubby likes to hear the bad stuff in an email because he feels that he is still apart of everything. ( this is also a personal choice)

25. Involve your kids in all sorts of activities. It helps pass the time and they have something to look forward to.

26. Do not be surprised that you do not hear from your significant other if they are outside the wire all the time. Sometimes they can't access a sat. phone.

27. Have a list of all numbers that you may need on the fridge. Rear party, family etc.

28. Have a support group or person in place. Because sometimes you just need to vent. Like me in chat.

29. If you have questions, even if they are stupid do not be afraid to ask. I ask the most stupid questions, lots of members of this site will testify to this.

30. Try never to fight on the phone or MSN because you do not know when you will be able to talk to your spouse again. ( I stole that one from CAMO)

31. Don't sweat the small stuff. If you need to have a good cry then do it. Because it will make you feel better ( I stole that from Military Granny)

32. Just remember when they leave everything in your house will break and your kitchen will rain, your cat will die and one will run away.( in my case) But you can handle it.

33. Educate yourself on everything. One example is PTSD ( hopefully you will not have to use it)

34. Just remember you are not alone. There are other families going through the same thing you are and lean on each other.


Well that is all I can think of right now. I need some more coffee but I will post more when my brain wakes up.

 

[Booked_Spice]

35. Keep yourself busy and go on with life. Do not let the tour be your life.

 

[Booked_Spice]

36. This is for members being deployed. My hubby set up personal messages on our computer through our Web cam. HE made one for mothers day, one for when the kids were driving me baty. He also made them for the kids. This helped with the separation from their daddy. There are days that my Daughter watches it over and over again.

37.In regards to sending packages. I sent a package 2 weeks before hubby went on tour. He liked this idea because he received it shortly after he arrived in Kaf. Send packages at least once a month. Just getting something from home helps your spouses Moral.

38. Remember when sending packages it can take usually 4-6 weeks depending. So Plan earlier.

39. Camo gave me this idea, if you want to have your package there earlier, you can express post it to Belleville. Camo says that her hubby usually gets it in 2 weeks.

40. Read about what you can send and what you can't send in the packages. I usually send energy bars, Fruit to go,Oatmeal bars and the new Nestea packages for water. The rations can be hmm pretty boring if your hubby has to live off it for a month of a time.

41. This goes along with packages. I made a pillow case with our pictures on it. You can buy the transfer paper. Hubby loves with it and never leaves without his pillow.

42. Don't expect to receive alot of mail from Hubby or letters. It takes even longer for the letter to come back to Canada. His letter took 3 months for 3 lines on Field paper. Oh got to love my hubby.

 

[military granny]

43. Do Not count days till their return. use paydays, weeks or months. Counting days will make it feel like forever

stolen as well.lol

 

[Booked_Spice]

My Brain is working.. HE HE HE HE



44. Do not count on dates for anything. Coming home dates because they always change at any given moment. Usually a 6 month tour means 6-8 months. So do not be surprised. Also do not give your children a date because they will be dissapointed if Daddy or Mommy does not show on that date. I usually give an estimated time or I prefer not to tell them. An example would be on leave. My daughter had no idea when hubby was coming home. We were at the airport ( too young to understand) thinking we were going out for dinner. Then she saw her daddy and I think the look on her face as she was running to him screaming for him. Made it worth it.

 

[muffin]

adding with Spice's permission

45. (if I may ) ... I like countdown things for the kids that I can "increase" if necessary - ie: Jellybeans in a Jar or cutting links out of a paper chain.

That way if he is extended - you can "add a few more", and they shouldn't really notice/

46. Remeber they are finding it hard to be away too - and they will be just as afraid coming home as you are taking them back in. This is normal, like the pre-depolyment squabble.

47. Consider phone calls a treat - if you count on them you will be twice as sad if you miss one - and you will miss out on a lot waiting by the phone.

 

[Booked_Spice]

Going on what Muffin has said

48. When they do come home from HTLA or from the tour, do not expect them to just jump right in to help out. My hubby said when he came home on leave he didn't know what to do because I had a set schedule with the kids. After a few days adjusting to civi world he took on his duties.

49. Be Patient when they come home on leave or at the end of tour. Remember they have been away a long time and it takes a period of adjustment for them, your kids and yourself.

 

[Booked_Spice]

50. Your spouse will probably reveal some sensitive informaton during the tour. Respect this and keep it to yourself because of security concerns.

51. If the media contacts you and you do not feel right in speaking with the media. Just say "No comment" or contact the rear party in what you can say and what you shouldn't say.

 

[Booked_Spice]

52. Another important point. Make sure you get your passport and your kids passport. If anything happens you will want to be able to lfy without any hassle. AS well is your spouse needs to sign the passport papers.

 

[aesop081]

53.  if your significant other, upon the first morning after his/her return from overseas, makes the decision to have a beer at 930 am and you witness this, dont jump down his/her throat........he/she's just doing it because he/she can ( no beer or "2 beer per day per man")  ;D

 

[paracowboy]

Just so everyone is aware, I am going to prune this thead ruthlessly, so please don't post anything but further advice IF you are a member or spouse with deployments behind them.

 

[Booked_Spice]

54. Make sure that you have spouses Service number and Social Insurance number memorized or documented somewhere. This is easier for when calling the rear party or if you have any issues concerning pay or benefits.

55. Make sure that your spouse has signed all Medical and Benefit papers that you will need during a 6-8 month deployment.

 

[camochick]

This is the original post the idea for this thread came from. This was something I wrote early this morning as a reflection of lessons learned during my first tour. Just thought I would share it with you all.  :-*


Well, the tour is winding down now,and I see that alot of people are getting ready for the july 06 tour and the Feb 07 tour. This was my first tour and I've learned alot and thought I would pass on some advice to those who may be doing this for the first time.

Get the power of attorney. Even if you think you'll never need it, get it anyhow. You never know what may come up.

Make sure things are in both names. I had an issue getting insurance on a truck I didnt own and it created alot of paper work for me and the rear party. If he had a car before you and it's in his name, get him to write a letter saying that you co own it. Same goes for phone bills, power bills,etc. They usually won't talk to you unless you're on the account because they are fully enforcing the privacy laws.

Never be afraid to call the rear party. Just because you think your question is stupid, doesnt mean they will. They are there to help and in an emergency they can usually get your husband on the phone in a short amount of time. (If your rear party isnt very helpful, make sure someone knows, they are sapposed to be there for family support)

Go to the family deployment meeting. They have lots of information and can answer any questions you may have.

If you don't already know, ask your husband how to do things that he normally does. ie put oil in the car, start the lawn mower, where the insurance papers are hehe etc. It can be frustrating when you cant find something or do something because you've just never done it before.

If you're planning on using tour money to save for something get a seperate account to put it in so the temptation to spend wont be there. The pay is higher and the temptation is greater hehe.

Don't be surprised if the tour pay doesnt kick in for a month or so. You will get back pay for that time, but sometimes the paper work isnt done in time.

Also don't be surprised if the date is moved back for the home coming. A tour that they say is 6 months can easily turn into seven.

There might be some tension at some point from you or hubby in your phone (or msn) convos. Try not to get off the phone mad because it could be awhile until your next call and the guilt will make you crazy. Husbands often forget its not easy back home either so sometimes they don't think before they speak.Sometimes you have to remind them that being at home isnt always a cake walk.
That being said, he is also under alot of pressure and tension, so try and remain as positive as you can. If you witch him out the whole call, this will be all he remembers and he is in a dangerous place. Perhaps, alot the first few mins to the bad stuff and then move on.

If your husband is going to be outside the wire alot, remember that he wont always be able to call on a regular basis. Try not to let it freak you out. They just don't always have access to a phone.

If you're a news junkie like me, remember sometimes you have to turn it off so you don't go mental. If the military hasnt contacted you, then it wasnt your husband involved.

Take care of yourself. Try to maintain a sense of regularity.

The first day they leave, will probably be one of the worst. Emotions are running high and anything that can go wrong usually will. But it will get better, I promise.

I suggest not counting days, but counting weeks or pay checks or something that won't be so overwhelming.

Never be afraid to ask for help. There are alot of great people on these boards who have been through this and who will step up and give a hand. Also , friends, family, neighbors, might be a place to turn too if you really need something.

Stay busy. It will make the time fly.

A bad day is just one bad day and it will get better. Just because you hit a parked car in the grocery store parking lot (hehe yeah that was me) does not mean the world has ended hehe.

Remember that you can do this. Even when you're ready to run away and never come back, you can do it. It's surprising how many things you can do that you didnt know you could (like fix things that fall apart, and they will fall apart when he leaves hehe), and the sense of pride you get is pretty cool.

Try not to make the tour an obsession. Sometimes it's hard to talk about anything else, but it can and will make your friends crazy at some point.

Remember that not all people will understand what you are going through especially in the civi world. Don't take it personally, use that as a time to educate them about why your husband is there and what he is doing. It's hard sometimes to listen to someone complain about their bf or husband when yours is away, but remember, in their life, that is what is important right now. Like the tour is in your life.

This may just be something I do, but I don't tell his mom the scary stuff he tells me. She is worried enough about her baby and although she has a right to know, unless she asks i'm not telling her.

Sometimes, your husband can't tell you where he is or what he is doing, but don't take it personally. Its all about security and telling you could mean that safety is comprimised. You'll get all the juicy details when he gets home.

These are just things I learned on my first tour, and some may not agree with me. But if I pass on anything that may save someone alot of trouble later, then I'm glad. Live, love and laugh. Six months is a long time, but you can do it.

A few more things I forgot. LAUGH ALOT. Even when the house is falling apart, the pets (I don't have kids hehe) are peeing on the floor and your car just wont start. I laugh alot at the dumb things that happen to me because most times you have no control.
Same with worrying about your husband. You will worry, but unfortunatly you have no control when they are over there, so sometimes you just have to let go and have faith.

Thanks for adding to this ladies. I was in the dark before this tour and had no clue what to expect. I have learned alot though, about myself, my husband, my life. It's been a crazy experience but I wouldnt change it for the world. 

I know we have alot of experienced wives on here, so feel free to add to this.

 

[Booked_Spice]

Thank you Camo for your post. It was an awesome idea from the other site :cheers: :cheers: ( that deserves 2 cheers he he he) I thought that it would be great on this site as well. Once again thanks for your input.

I hope that with this thread will help others that will experience some of the things that we have experienced with this tour.

56. This one is for me. Do not stay up till all hours of the night. Hoping that your hubby will come on line to talk on messenger because of the time zones. By doing this you can become sleep deprived and that is not a very good thing.

 

[boots]

I have no experience with tours, so trim this post... but I have a simple suggestion to pin this topic up because this kind of information will always be needed

 

[reccecrewman]

If your stickers are going to expire on your tour, make sure you get them before you go AND put them on the plates.  I remembered to get mine but forgot to put them on the plate.  Instead I left them in the glove box.  The missus got pulled over by the OPP for having expired plates and she argued and swore up and down to the cop that her husband took care of that before he left.  She was so distraught that the cop decided to let her off with a warning and told her to go get the registration renewed ASAP.  She sent me an e-mail of the highly agitated type demanding to know what happened.  I sheepishly had to reply to her e-mail that the new stickers were in the glove box.

Regards

 

[she]

One thing I'd like to add - similar to Camo's post about understanding that civi's may not understand what you're going through...

Accept that not everyone is going to deal with the situation in the same manner as you do.  When my husband was away, I really had a hard time sharing with others whose spouses were also deployed.  I had a great personal support system and a father who's retired navy to turn to when things were getting rough, but I really didn't feel comfortable talking to a lot of spouses I'd never met before.  This resulted in some ugliness where I was accused of not caring about where my husband was and what was going on.  As much as we need to band together, I think we also need to respect that everyone will be experiencing different emotions and moving through the cycle in different stages.

I also think it's really important to take time to treat yourself and your family.  Go out to a movie or spend a day visiting the zoo.  Buy a really frivolous piece of clothes or a book you've always wanted to read.  Take a cooking class for a type of food you've always wanted to learn how to make.  We spend a lot of time sending packages overseas and in an phone call from my husband I remember how silly and happy he got when I was telling him all about trying to learn to rollerblade - all the pitfalls and stumbling... When he got home he said he laughed long and hard for day when ever he pictured me (I'm notorious for being a klutz) trying to keep rolling with both feet on the ground.  I found trying new things gave me a chance to get out of the house and do something new, which helps the time pass quicker.

 

[HitorMRS.]

Lots of great advise on this thread!  But, I feel like something is missing...information on how to handle being a single Mom.

As, I’m sure as some of you know HitorMiss is heading over on his tour soon, this is tour number two for us, but this is my first tour as a Mom.  We have a 13-month-old daughter.  Any advise on how to handle Daddy being away, coping as a suddenly single Mom, etc.
I know the MFRC has lots of programs for families and daycare help, but I’m looking more for advise on how to handle Daddy leaving anxiety and Daddy returning, etc.

 

[George Wallace]

There have been topics on that in this Home Front Forum.  If you take a look at them you may find what you want.  Here is one:  http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/45711/post-400247.html#msg400247

 

[Booked_Spice]

Hello Hit or Mrs,

I can understand where you are coming from. This was our first tour and I had to experience it as a single mom with a 3yr and 13 mths old. Boy has it been tough. My youngest doesn't understand as he will not know his "daddy" but our 3yr old understands and because of Daddy's deployment she went through changes like you wouldn't believe. Alot of them are negative.

Here are some examples:

She has night terrors- I bought a fish tank for her room where the light is on all night. She wears daddy's t shirt to bed. She also sleeps with his ranger blanket. She has a special picture of her daddy that she hides. Sometimes she will go to her room, take the picture out and start talking to him. I find this helps her cope. I have also been buying something for her once a month from her daddy. I wrap it all up with a pretty bow. She gets to open it up and she feels closer to him. I sent Dh special cards and envelopes so that he can write to her when he has the chance. This seems to help somewhat however she does tend to act out more with tantatantrums and after her explosions, she would say sorry Mommy but I miss my daddy. The one thing I learned is you can't cave into this. I have always been very honest with her. She still has outbursts but I try to nip it in the bud and keep her on a schedule.

My daughter is also experiencing separation anxiety. I can't even go to the bathroom without her being right by my side 24 7. This is still a tough one to beat however I try to use the deployment childcare every chance I get. It is hard for the first few minutes because she refuses to go and wants me to stay with her. But after I leave, she calms down and plays with the other kids. This is a tough one to try to overcome but we work on it everyday. She also craves male attention and I am lucky enough to have some of hubby's friends still on base who I get to see once and awhile. They try to give her attention as well. This helps her so much.

This tour has been really hard on her but I have tried to keep her busy and active. I enrolled her in swimming lessons and gymnastics anything that I could keep her mind off her daddy. But the one thing I tried to teach her is Oh Canada. She thinks this is her Daddy's song and you can hear her sing it everytime that she misses him or is upset. We try to talk about Daddy everyday. When Hubby calls she will sit on the phone with him and talk away.

Now this is what I experienced during the tour. Before Hubby left for tour he sat down with her and explained where he was going in away that she understood. To quote my daughter " My daddy is a soldier and he is in Afghanistan saving the kids from the monster" We put a huge world map on her play room wall and put stickers where daddy is and where she is. I find this also helps. If you guys have a web cam, my advice is that your hubby make messages to his child on special occasions that he will miss. This will help throughout the tour and with your child missing daddy. Also include your child in all the care packages you send over. Hubby's packages were so colorful because our children would put stickers on them and color all over them.

Now to you being a single Mom, it is tough. You need to try and take time out for you. That is the most important thing. Because I have found that things are very overwhelming at times. Sometimes you just need your batteries recharged. Another thing is if you can find others who are going on tour with your husband ( who have kids) arrange some play dates. This helps your child but also gives you the needed adult conversation.

Just remember Hitor MRS, if you ever need anything. A shoulder to cry on or someone just to vent. Or maybe a little advice. You can PM anytime and your hubby has my messenger. It is tough being a single mom but I know you can do it. If you need anything just ask.
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